These Foods Could Be Killing You!
Movie theater popcorn
It’s not the huge amounts of artificial butter you need to worry about — it’s how sometimes the popcorn is actually just a huge bucket of popcorn-shaped rocks and/or cyanide capsules.
It only seems healthy. Most granola boxes hide a rogue, very troubled ex-NYPD detective who thinks everyone is the mysterious figure who killed his partner.
This sea creature is used in sushi and notoriously can be fatal — if the chef doesn’t cut it just right, they can puncture a poison pocket. Also, if the chef doesn’t cut it right and doesn’t finish the job, the pufferfish will cut them or you with its tiny but extremely sharp paring knife.
Its leaves are made up entirely of ninjas. How did you not know that? Because ninjas are really good at hiding.
Don’t eat the pit, also known as the stone. If you bite into it, that releases a horse of hungry zombies that want to eat your delicious brain.
Read the label: They aren’t technically potato chips, but rather potato “crisps.” They’re made up of a mixture of ground and dried potatoes, salt and flavorings, and dangerous, filter-less cigarettes.
According to experts, 1 in 20 tubs of commercially produced hummus contains a bloodthirsty shark. Hummus companies are not sure why.
Where does “rooster sauce” get its heat? From an active, burning grease fire. An all-consuming, unquenchable fire that has no regard for feelings, never feeling mercy as it destroys all that which dares to sit in its path.
These don’t physically kill anybody, but the active ingredient of high fructose porn syrup is very detrimental to society, killing our innocence, chipping away at our collective morality, and promoting a poisonous and unrealistic idea of human sexuality.
There are far fewer truly deadly mushrooms than common knowledge dictates, but you should still avoid the Brown Impala variety. It closely resembles a common brown mushroom, but inside is a 1974 Chevrolet Impala, which lacks both seatbelts and airbags.
You probably know it’s poisonous and potentially fatal to dogs, but did you know a moderate dose can kill a human, too? It can if it’s the kind of chocolate filled with scarabs and scorpions placed there by the Curse of the Mummy.
Every so often you’ll encounter a banana with a switchblade and nothing to lose.
You could slip on of them, fall, hit your dead, and die. Is it a hilarious way to go? Sure. But is it a deadly way to die? Absolutely.
These Foods Could Be Killing You! was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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"Non puoi buttarla a ridere e chiedergli perché fischia sempre e solo a te?"
"No! Se mi fischia un'altra volta, vado e gli dico che il fischietto può ficcarselo in culo"
A parte che ho capito da chi ho preso la mia proverbiale calma ed eleganza a dire le cose, io il fatto che mio padre abbia iniziato una guerra passivo aggressiva con il bagnino dello stabilimento accanto a quello dove va lui, perché suddetto bagnino fischia sempre e solo a lui senza apparenti motivi logici la considerò il mio nuovo podcast estivo.
C'è azione, c'è mistero, c'è che per una volta queste situazioni tragicomiche non succedono a me.
(io, comunque, perché il bagnino dello stabilimento accanto a dove va PP fischia sempre e solo a lui, lo voglio capire).
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“Smutfic” see, I’m confused/been debating the sinfulness of this for years. On one hand, no, we probably shouldn’t try to purposely be getting aroused outside of marriage I suppose. And lusting after real people is certainly bad, as is masturbation. But I don’t think reading a story about a couple doing sexual things is inherently evil? Otherwise, well, Song of Solomon.
To quote ole SC Justice Porter Stewart, I can’t describe porn definitively, but “I know it when I see it.”
Similarly, I cannot define the exact difference between erotica (smutfic) and a “sex scene that is written” but my line tends to be drawn over my own reactions to the source material.
Like yeah, “he put his thingy in my you-know-what and we did it” may technically be a sex scene, but it’s not exactly erotic 😂
And speaking of the Song of Solomon, has there *ever* been a lyric that made you think “this person has never seen a boob before” like the phrase: “Your two breasts are like two fawns / Twins of a gazelle”??
Like, erotic imagery this is decidedly not.
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