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#please note this is meant to be funny and also i'm calling myself out too.
qwqqmfh · 2 months
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ROCKSTAR I
summary: kids wants to know who their father is but don't know their father is Hwang Hyunjin.
pairings: rockstar!hyunjin x singlemom!y/n
genres/tropes: kinda cringey, angst, fluff (smut further in the book)
wordcount: 821
author's note: taglist? yes I made these gifs and edited these images myself so DON'T STEAL THEM!!
two three four five six
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chapter name: unexpected misturns
flashback to five years ago...
"come on baby give me another chance," he says with sweat running down his face...
"I'm not using you just for your body baby I swear...," he says caressing her cheek from the burning tears that stream down from it.
y/n cries out, "then how come everytime we see each other we just have sex!!! how come we never go on dates anymore!!! how come we don't just hangout like other couples do!!! get this through your mind Hyunjin you don't love me your in love with my body-"
Hyunjin kisses y/n's lips, "please baby that's not true... I- i love you?" he says like it's a question.
y/n looks into his eyes, "hyune you can't just say I love you and say it's not true and demand me for a another chance for me to stay with you when you know yourself you don't mean it," she then turns around to walk towards the door.
Hyunjin gently grabs her wrist, "look baby I'm trying it's hard to do all of this while also trying to start my career and you know me I'm working hard to have some time with you too to work out our relationship while also starting a big music career-"
y/n shakes her head unbelievably, "I heard from Han what you we're saying about me and our "relationship,"'
Hyunjin widens his eyes as he then holds both of your hands together, "wh-what did he say?"
"he said that you were calling me just for a good fuck and that you didn't actually want a relationship," she then looks up to his eyes.
Hyunjin comes in defense mode, "th-that was before I actually got to know you baby I-i,"
"he told me you said that the day before Hyunjin so stop lying," she pushes his arms away from her, "fame has really gotten into your head huh? your not even famous yet you act like you already are that you treat are relationship as a joke and say that it's just for a good fuck and for what? for it to be funny for your friends to think your cool and-" she turns around to go to the door handle.
Hyunjin spins her around and grabs her chin, "baby come on I was being a stupid highschool student you know I never meant that-"
"you sicken me-"
"come on don't say that," he scoffs.
"your always saying 'I never mean that' 'I promise I won't do it again' knowing full well you would," she points at his chest.
Hyunjin grabs her hand and gently kisses it, 'please lets not end this I'm sure we can find a way through our troubles,"
"Hyunjin we've trying to figure out our problems for years now I'm done now sorry," she says as she walks out of his apartment.
one week after..
"oh fuck...," she says as she looks at the test strip.
"so what does it say?" her friend says looking at her from the bathroom.
y/n stands up and tosses it at her, "see for yourself," she says emotionless.
"oh wow... positive," she says shocked.
"yep...," she says as she drinks her water.
"so is it his? you know Hyunjin's?"
y/n gives her the duh face, "I don't know what do you think chae?"
"well I say yeah because he's like the only guy you ever fucked so...,"
*sorry chae I'm just really stressed right now my 'boyfriend' only saw each other as fuck buddies and now I'm pregnant with his child so I'm just so stressed and angry I- i-"
Chaewon gives her a hug, "hey it's okay I'm here and I'll help you get through this okay?" she smiles.
y/n starts crying a bit, "thank you chae," she hugs her back.
"you need to stay calm for you and the little one in there okay stress is not good for the both of you at this moment,"
"I know," she says as she wipes her tears,
"so you wanna keep the baby?"
"well I never really liked the idea of having kids before because the kids I use to babysit were so annoying-"
"girl that was Mrs. Kang's kids were talking about your kids,"
y/n laughs, "yeah I know"
ᴛᴀɢʟɪsᴛ: @armystay89 @linocvp1d @mitchii @renjunniex @potatosoulp1h @mimihwang248
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shayyprasad · 3 months
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weighing scale
tw: eating disorder (purging, not eating), bodyshaming, ed shaming
btw, if it's requested, i can turn drabbles into full oneshots!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you guys are beautiful the way you are, and nothing anybody ever says or does will ever change that. remember that gaining weight is totally normal, and you can always lose weight, too, but please, do it in a healthy way. if you ever need anyone to talk to, and this isn't just for eds, i'm here, and you can reach out. if not, there are people who care about you and love you.
you're amazing you beautiful mfs
(also i'm sorry if this might not be correct for you, everyone has different experiences with eds)
(also, also, i did 1st person ... and this is just the way i thought when i was going thru this so i kinda made it relate w/ me??)
100.
98.
96.
she watched as the numbers went down, satisfied despite the fact that it was only one pound less yesterday.
90.
88.
even if it meant that she'd always be cold, or that her hair would fall out. it was a small price to pay to be beautiful. to be skinny. to be like all the other girls that peter liked.
y/n kept telling herself that. and it was enough to keep her going.
{four weeks prior}
(first person)
they had little packets for us to take home, like forms. something along the lines of "annual health check-up." the form was just... well, it wasn't a form, really, but more of an opt-out. the paper said they'd just check weight, height, and some other things, like make sure you didn't have scoliosis.
honestly?
i was just happy to be missing a good chunk of math.
everyone got called down to the gym by period, and mine was 5th period, right before lunch.
our class was waiting for them to call us down, so mr. callen just let us do whatever until then. i glanced over to see liz, kayla, and chloe in the corner of the classroom, giggling and pointing towards some of the boys, and eventually, mr. callen.
he was one of the youngest members on faculty, fresh out of college. and i'll admit, he's not bad looking. in fact, he's hotter than most of the guys. and if it wasn't peter that had my heart, maybe i'd think about someone else.
not that the whole peter thing was going great anyways, he seemed interested in liz. so maybe that was my hint to move on. but i don't know. i've just liked him forever, it'd feel wrong to stop now.
i'm just really loyal, i guess.
or maybe this is some weird first love/crush thing, because no matter what, i keep finding myself coming back to him.
it took me second to realize that i'd been staring at the same spot for a while now, so i probably looked funny. i re-adjusted my position and looked at the clock, noting there there was just a few minutes until we'd have to go down.
i looked by at the girls, then at the teacher. did they not realize that he had an engagement ring on? or where they just dense?
because honestly, i'm having a hard time figuring out which one it is.
liz pushed chloe over to the desk, giggling like a manic.
chloe bit her lip, trying to hold in laughter. "hiiii, cal. you know, like, cupid's day is coming?"
me, personally, i didn't really believe in the whole dumb blonde thing, but chloe was changing my aspect on this.
cupid's day was on valentine's day, and you could pay a dollar to have a rose delivered to someone. normally, the freshmen girls did most of the planning. freshmen girls were annoying. they were always together, and i didn't remember a time i'd seen one alone.
i didn't get any on my first year here. last year i got three. but it didn't really count, because mj got me one and betty did. i was hoping that i'd figure out who the third person was, but three weeks into that investigation, i kinda gave up. if they hadn't revealed themselves to me at that point, i'd figured that they probably wouldn't.
maybe junior year will go better.
if you were popular popular, you got at least seven, so it was kind of embarrasing to only get one. and it was probably even more embarrasing to only have, like, one friend. which was betty. but she hadn't hung around me that often since she started dating ned.
mj was an observer, and i knew that much. it was probably the only reason she got me a rose, because she felt bad. but then again, anyone could see how pathetic it was.
peter and i used to be pretty close, but then he met ned, so the attention he gave me got halved.
i would have tried to be friends with ned, because i know he's really nice, but i stressed out too much about it for some reason and gave up. social anxiety, perhaps? it didn't matter, it was too late to do anything about it now.
after that, peter started hanging around liz and some of the other popular kids, and entirely forgot about me.
did forget about ned, though. maybe beacuse i was a girl, and so peter got called "gay" a lot for that. i didn't have much of a chance compared to liz, so i just admired him from afar. it's not that we didn't talk, because we did sometimes, but... actually, i don't know what.
if peter wanted to, he would have.
and it's fairly obvious, but i'm delusional and chose to ignore that.
the intercom snapped me out of whatever zoning out i'd gone back to, "block d, block d. i-is this on? oh, it is? i- yes, block d down to the gym."
everyone got up and pushed their way out the door, i didn't have that type of energy, so i just waited for everyone to get their butts outta the way and then went myself. i followed them down to the hall, staying behind a little. when i finally got over there, i ended up last, right behind chloe, kayla, then liz.
for the most part, it only took a minute or two for each person, so the line didn't take that long.
well, i suppose that's subjective.
it took 15 minutes, but whatever.
when liz was inside, she didn't take care to close the door all the way, leaving it a couple inches open. that's on her.
that's on her for being irresponsible, so it's not really my fault if i accidently hear. i leaned in a little, suddenly very interested in the wall, with all it's cracks... and... paint, and...
"and step on the scale, please... that is," she paused, and you could hear scribbling of a pen.
"121.3 pounds. perfectly healthy. that's actually the average weight for girls your age," another pause, "make sure to give this form to your parents. have a nice day."
liz said something in return and i stepped back, done admiring the wall. "next!" the lady called in.
i stepped inside the room, and it smelt strongly of hand-sanitizer. "okay, honey, step up against the wall... height is... alrightly. now the scale, please."
i did as she asked, keeping my eyes trained on the numbers.
149.7 pounds. basically 150. that was more than liz's, right?
"149, okay, you're good to go-"
"is that around average weight?" i asked, and it was impulsive, i didn't even think.
"well, it's somewhere around that. you're perfectly healthy."
the intercom came on again, signaling my time was over, and the lady thought the same thing, because she ushered me out.
as i walked back to the classroom, i couldn't help but think;
149? no, 150? around average? so basically, i was above average. 30 pounds heavier than liz? no wonder peter likes liz better.
god, that's disgusting. i'm disgusting.
i trudged back to class, unable to stop thinking about it. and suddenly, an idea popped into my mind; why not lose weight? if i lost a little, maybe peter would care about me again.
that's genius. god, i'm a genius.
yeah. i lose a little weight.
when i got back, he'd already started the lesson, not that i cared. i spent the rest of that class figuring out the kinks, like how many calories i'm allowed to eat per day.
i settled on 800.
it seemed like a decent number if i wanted to actually make an impact with weight loss.
stupid kale smoothies weren't gonna get me anywhere, nor idiotic influencer workout routines.
before i knew it, the bell rung and kids were hustling through the hallways. i was kind of on autopilot as i walked to lunch, not really watching where i was going. i'd by mistake shouldered some people, and they gave me dirty looks. i shot them right back.
i couldn't help but silently, in my mind, judge everyone's body that i saw. and not just their body, but other physical features, too. it was automatic, i didn't even mean to. but i couldn't help it.
she's really fat. the gym exists for a reason.
how is she so skinny? i know she's anorexic.
and it just went on and on.
i didn't know what was going on. why this mattered to me all of a sudden.
it was like i didn't notice these things before, i wasn't looking for them, but now that i knew they were there, i couldn't help it.
i couldn't help a lot of things.
when i walked into the lunchroom, i saw peter sitting by himself, writing on some piece of paper, and if i knew him, he wasn't doing the homework due tomorrow.
he was doing yesterday's.
it didn't seem like i'd be bothering him if i went to go talk to him, so that's what i did. i figured since we hadn't talked in while, it would be great to now.
and it'd be a great distraction, too.
i sat down across from him, "hi, peter."
he looked up slowly, a smile rising on his face. "uh, hey, y/n/n," peter paused, "what, um, what did you need?"
"huh? oh, i didn't need anything. just thought i'd come by and annoy the hell out of you."
"just like old times," peter snorted.
"math homework?"
"yep. i have math-"
"-next period," i realized my mistake after i made it. "um, 'cause i see you when i'm walking to class."
in repsonse, he nodded like he was considering it.
i didn't notice i was hungry until my stomach growled, but something inside of me made the thought of getting food and eating it repulsive. i hesitated before grabbing on of peter's fries and popping it in my mouth. he didn't say anything, or really even care, and i didn't know if i liked that or not.
"okay. you have chem next, yeah?"
i blushed at the fact he knew.
"uh, yep," i snagged some more fries, feeling myself loosen up.
and then i realized, that's what this was; i was just in need of some time with actual people who weren't my parents.
i liked this. i liked talking to peter. it was easy. this was easy.
we laughed about some other things, like flash's new donkey haircut.
and i stole more fries. ned, betty, and mj (who normally sat two seats away) came over. the topic of cupid's day came up.
"how many do you think you'll get?" betty asked.
i looked up, "roses?"
"uh-huh."
ned spoke up, "you won't need to worry, bet, i'll get you a whole bouquet." he looked proud of himself.
"i'm not worried," she giggled, like the lovesick fool she was. it was gross. and yes i admit, it was slightly because i was jealous, but whatever. betty didn't have to act so idiotic and desperate.
betty's skinny, too.
"what about you, y/n?" peter said, locking eyes with me.
"i dunno. i never really get any."
something changed in peter's expression, but as soon as it was there, it was gone.
i took another fry. they were really good, for some reason.
"fattie," peter laughed, pulling his lunch tray back, "and then you complain about not getting roses!"
that caused a round of laughs in the small group, but my heart dropped to my feet.
i was right. i was overweight. even peter noticed.
freaking peter noticed.
god, i was ugly and fat, and even peter saw that.
of course he liked liz. he'd be crazy not to. she was curvy and skinny and petite and pretty and skinny.
she was skinny.
i didn't have her hourglass figure.
never did i ever want out of my own skin more.
"y/n?" pete frowned. "i-i'm sorry, it was a joke, i didn't-"
"no, no, not that. i, uh, i... forgot i was supposed to meet with a teacher. sorry. i have to go."
i didn't go to any teachers.
i did go to the bathroom.
and i hid in the handicapped stall. i didn't cry, or sob, or weep or whatever it was stupid girls did in hallmark movies or stuff.
i stood in front of the mirror and picked out everything i hated, making a mental list in my head.
i didn't finish that list, not even after 30 minutes when the bell rung.
-
the rest of the day flew by rather quickly, it seemed. i felt like i was trapped in a warm haze, but not the fuzzy, happy warmth. i didn't like the way i was thinking. it's like i wanted my brain to turn off, these intruding, ugly thoughts were taking up too much room.
i felt icky.
when i got home, i didn't have my normal after-school snack like i usually did. i went straight upstairs and did homework.
i finished two essays (one that wasn't due until two weeks, and one that was due two days from now), my math homework and studied for my math test, started my science project, and did my french flashcards (and studied them a bit).
i must have been locked in my room for hours, because by the time i got up, it was dark outside.
i wasn't a studious person, and the only reason i did any of this was to forget for a little while. to snap out of it. and for a while, it worked.
"y/n, honey!" my mom screamed from downstairs, and as i glanced at the clock, i realized it was time to have dinner.
but i wasn't hungry.
well, i was.
let me rephrase that; i didn't want to eat.
however, i didn't want my mother yelling at me, so i went down anyways. not that i was planning to eat.
"mom?"
"oh, hey. i already set the table, you seemed like you were working hard and i didn't wanna bother you. dad's working late. go sit down-"
"not hungry."
she frowned. "well, you have to eat something."
"but i'm not hungry," i said, hating how sharply it came out.
my mom gave me warning look. "look, i've had a long day, so don't start with me."
"mommmm," i whined.
"sit."
so i did. i felt bad about bothering her.
i ate. small, tentative bites, forcing it all down. we didn't talk.
silently, i put my dish in the sink, before heading upstairs. the food sat at the bottom of my stomach, like a pile of heavy rocks. i wanted them out.
so i turned on the shower and locked the bathroom door, kneeling in front of the toilet. i pressed my fingers to the back of my throat and kept them there for a second. at first, all i got was bile.
but then i threw up.
-
peter and i started talking more again. i think he got in a fight with liz.
i asked him if they were dating, and he said no.
i think he started hanging out with me again because i got skinny. i know for a fact that i'm skinnier than liz. i weigh less then her now.
the numbers told me that.
but i didn't listen.
i didn't stop, and how could i? when i'd gotten this far?
-
we got in a fight. not the yelling kind, though. well, kind of. i yelled a bit.
i thought he was complimenting me. he said i looked skinny, so i thanked him.
"no... i-" he paused, trying to get his thoughts together, "you look skinny, yes, but not in a good way."
"what? what do you mean? like, there's only a good way," i laughed, slightly nervous.
peter ingnored that. "have you been eating enough, angel?" his voice was soft, but there was worry in it. why was he worried? this is the best i've ever been.
"do you ask liz that, too?"
"i- what?"
"liz is skinny. you don't ask her that."
"that- that is different. y-you haven't been eating, have you? is-"
"god, parker! stop! it's none of your business!" maybe if i hadn't been so flustered, i'd have come up with a better comeback.
-
i was hunched over the toilet, but nothing was coming out. everything hurt.
my head. my stomach.
my throat was scratchy and raw.
i didn't hear the knocking on the door.
i don't really remember peter coming in. i thought i locked it. what was he doing at my house? i couldn't remember.
i wanted to sleep.
i think i was crying. i don't know. i only vaguely remember the hot tears.
i slightly remember him pulling me away from the toilet and into his arms. there were lots of holes in my memory for that day.
he stayed with me, though. one thing i'm sure about is that peter never left my side. i can recall bright lights. tubes. i was laying on something. white walls. white sheets.
what was engraved into my head was peter whispering "i love you" over and over again. in the bathroom. in the car. was it a car? as they hooked me up to cables.
all that mattered, though, was that i was skinny now. just the thought made me feel light and airy.
to think that all it took was a little motivation and a weighing scale.
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ahgasegotarmy116 · 4 months
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Falling Part 3 | Jeon Jungkook
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Summary: Lana and Jae get closer and you ask Jimin for advice on how to deal with her while also trying to rationalize why Jungkook would be on earth Pairing: Angel f!reader x Fallen Angel Jungkook Word Count: 2.9k~ Warnings: Talks about doubting God and questioning why he let's bad things happen to people on earth as well as leaving heaven to join the devil. This is not meant to be harmful to any religion and I don't want to cause any doubt in God or your faith so if you feel that would affect you then please do not read. Nothing super in depth but still wanted to preface it with this. a/n: I finished this and immediately posted it after some rough editing but I wanted to get it out asap lol hope you guys like it!
Once Lana is done for the day I keep my head on a swivel trying to see if I can catch a glimpse of Jungkook anywhere. Is he a student? He has to be a student right? The only way he would materialize would be if the person he was assigned to has already turned 18. He couldn't possibly be a teacher because I would've noticed by now. Meaning he's highly likely to be in his Senior year just like Lana. There are so many kids here though, how am I going to figure out which students have turned 18 recently?
"Lana!" I hear her name being called from across the hall by that same boy from before. "Oh Jae! Are you all done for the day too?" she asks clearly wanting to see if they would be getting off at the same time for future reference. "Yeah I just finished, did you drive here?" he asks curious as well to see if she would need a ride home most days. "No, my mom dropped me off. I usually just hang around school for a bit and do some homework until she gets off work and comes to get me" she explains. 
"Oh okay, well if you want I could give you a ride?" he offers, clearly insinuating something else but it seems to be in a playful manner more than anything. "That's okay, she's already planning on picking me up today. Rain check?" she asks hopeful he won't feel bad about her shooting him down. 
"Sure. Would it be okay if I kept you company until she does?" he questions, she smiles and nods which seems to uplift his spirits again which is good in her mind. "Cool" he says and follows her lead to one of the table outside in the courtyard near the area her mom picks her up at. 
"So, how are you liking things so far?" she questions, hoping to find something that they can talk about for a while. "It was a pretty seamless transition thankfully. All of my credits transferred so I didn't have to worry about trying to make up for the ones that didn't" he answers. "That's great! Scrambling to make those up before graduation would've been really difficult" she cringes just thinking about the potential of being held back. 
"Plus the students here are really nice, and one girl in particular has caught my eye" he teases, messing with the strap on her bag, almost shy to admit. "Oh yeah? And who might that be?" she questions, catching me off guard. 'Where the heck did she learn how to flirt? And why is she already good at it?' I think to myself. 
"Oh, just this really smart, cute and funny girl that I met. I bumped into her on accident today though so I'm not really sure if she likes me or not" he continues. "Are you sure it was on accident?" she teases. 'What the heck Lana! Why aren't you the shy awkward girl I know you to be anymore?' I think to myself now slightly panicking. 'She must really like this boy so far if she's had a sudden change of character just to entertain his advances. This isn't good'.
After getting home her mom finally takes note of how differently she's acting. She calls out for her and Lana simply hums to show she's listening. "Did something happen at school today?" she asks, also a little worried about her. 'Thank God I'm not the only one' I chime in in my head. If this guy wasn't dressed like the definition of trouble I might not be this concerned but I can't help the slight panic I'm starting to feel.
"No, not really" she say and makes her way up to her room, with me following close behind. "Hey come back down when dinner is ready! No skipping meals today" he mom yells after her. "Yes mom" she responds and closes her door right after the words leave her mouth. 
Jae: Did you get home safe?
Lana: Yeah just walked in. Did you?
Jae: Yeah I did. What are your plans for the rest of the day?
Lana: Nothing really. I've got some homework to do but other than that I'm pretty much free. Why?
Jae: I wanted to see if you wanted to go for a drive
She pauses for a second and thinks about it. She's nervous but excited, that's for sure but I really really hope she'll say no. She knows that she isn't supposed to be hanging out with anyone, let alone a boy she just met after curfew. 'Please Lana, please but smart about this' I pray, not wanting to add another sin to her tally of not obeying the rules set out for her. 
Lana: Oh I don't know, I'm not supposed to be out late on a school night
'Yes Lana! Good girl!' I rejoice. Hopefully he won't push her too much, but I don't blame him for trying, Lana is a very pretty girl. 
Jae: It's probably because we don't know each other well too huh?
Lana: Yeah that too
Jae: It's okay I get it
Lana: But if you're free we could talk on the phone? That way we can get to know each other a bit better :)
Jae: Sure
*Jae would like to FaceTime*
"I said call, not FaceTime" she panics out loud while looking at herself in the mirror before pressing accept. 
"I said we could talk on the phone" she says frustrated at being caught off guard. "Are we not talking on the phone?" his voice resounds on loud since Lana hasn't put her Airpods in yet. "Well...yes" "Then what's the problem Pretty?" he says with a half smile, watching as her eyes widen at the pet name. 
"Why did you call me that?" she asks, biting her lip to keep a smile from cracking while occupying herself with finding her Airpods so her mom doesn't hear him. "Because you're pretty" he says with (not gonna lie) a gorgeous smile. Lana better be careful because I feel like this one is ready to break her heart. Once she finally finds them she puts them in and continues their conversation which I thankfully am still able to hear.
"Is it okay if I call you Pretty?" he surprisingly asks for permission. "As long and I'm the only one you're calling that then yeah I guess so" she says and I can feel her heart racing in anticipation to see what his response might be. "Who else would I call Pretty, Pretty? If I've got you I don't need anyone else" he says, his words sweet as honey warm up her skin. 
"You think you've got me?" she says raising a brow at him. 'Okay Lana, you've still got some fight in you' I'm glad to see she's not playing into his games too quickly. If I were her I would have this guy be putty in my hands before I let him call me anything. 'I- nope I'm not her. Yep, we're just gonna. Uh huh let's give her some privacy' I think to myself and quickly call Jimin to ask for advice. 
"Hey! Long time no see" he says when his hologram pops up. "Yeah sorry I've been really busy with Lana. A new boy just stepped in the scene and I'm not really sure what I should do to help protect her" I say and watch as he takes in the information and thinks on it for a second. "Lana has been a really good girl right? She's been respectful and honest and follows the rules, does well in school, all of that stuff right?" he asks listing off the things I've told him about before. 
"Yes, all of those are still true but I'm nervous. This Jae guy is a capital T for Trouble and I know I'm not supposed to judge but I have to discern on what exactly I'm supposed to do here. Plus her birthday is next month so hopefully I'll be materializing that day if things go according to God's plan" I say, reminding both him and myself of the sort of situation we're dealing with.
"You also have to remember she's still a teenager. Teenagers are supposed to grow up and mess up and get their hearts broken if life takes them down that path. It's perfectly normal for her to like a guy and for him to like her back. It's something new since she really hasn't shown any true interest in boys so I understand how you're feeling but just pray and watch over her. That's all you can really do until her birthday and hopefully by then you'll be able to actually help guide her if she's open to it" he says. 
Now that I think about it, I have been super on edge with her recently, even before Jae came around. Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion. "Just watch, wait, and gather information about how their relationship grows and changes in these next few weeks so you're able to figure out a game plan before you materialize alright?" he finishes and I take it all into account. 
"Another weird thing happened today, my bracelet lit up when Lana and I were at school" I relay and I can see his face go from confused, to excited, to scared as well as a whole other range of emotions that I can't quite identify. "How could he even be there? Do you think he's materialized as someone's fallen angel? Are there even kids that are that bad at her school? I thought you said she was at a good one?" he asks, just as confused as I am.
"Doesn't mean there aren't a couple of bad eggs lost in the mix" I say, sitting down on Lana's bed to hopefully relax for a bit. "The only way that my bracelet would light up would be if he was in the same realm, correct?" I ask him to which he nods. "And when you fall you become a fallen angel, right?" to which he nods again. "So after all of these years there is still a possibility that he could've been assigned to be someone's fallen angel. Their bad influence so to say, right?" I finish. "Well yeah, but the odds of that are slim. Usually the angels who have fallen are left as slaves and can't come out of hell even if they tried" he explains. 
"Yeah but Jungkook's different, you and I both know that. He could've been taken under someones wing, for lack of a better term. They could've seen potential and drive in him. Plus his brother is there, he fell during the war between angels so he's been there since the very beginning. He could've found out that Jungkook had fallen and got him whatever job he wanted" I finish, showing Jimin the possibilities that could've caused our paths to cross again.  
Maybe all these years he's been leading people straight into the arms of Lucifer. I can't even imagine the horrors he's gone through or worse, taken part in or caused on his own. "Did you see him?" he asks the question that I knew he has been itching to ask. I shake my head and let it fall "I tried looking around but Lana had to get to class so I was stuck with her in there for an hour. When we left I kept on looking as best as I could to find him but he wasn't there". "Maybe try again tomorrow? You'll find him don't worry" Jimin reassures me and we end our call soon after that.
I check up on Lana's call and it seems like they haven't gotten up to too much mischief, just some harmless flirting here and there. "Lana! Dinner!" we both hear her mom yell. "Hey I have to go but I'll see you at school tomorrow okay?" she says, rushing to finish up so her mom doesn't get too suspicious. "Alright, goodnight Pretty" he says in a teasing tone that gives her butterflies in her stomach. "Goodnight Jae" she responds and quickly hangs up the phone before rushing downstairs. 
The next day at school Jae finds Lana in the same hallway they had met in and comes right up to her and swoops up her books again. "Hey!" she protests, trying to get them back just like yesterday. "Hello to you too Pretty" he says chuckling at her. "You really don't have to do that" she says crossing her arms awkwardly while they repeat the same steps they had done yesterday. "I know, but I want to. How did you sleep?" he questions glancing over at her while they continue on their journey. 
"I slept alright, what about you?" she asks looking at him and just now noticing the dark circles under his eyes. "I slept like a baby" he responds, clearly lying. "Are you sure? Because those bags under your eyes are telling a different story" she teases, trying not to prod but being open to the discussion. "Well for the amount of time that I did sleep, I slept like a baby" he chuckles and they continue on down the hallway.
Once they reach the classroom they do the same as before, hanging out right outside to talk when she notices a cut and a slight bruise on his cheekbone that she hadn't seen before since she had been walking on the opposite side of him. "Jae what happened?" she asks clearly concerned and on instinct grabbing his opposite cheek to keep him in place so she can inspect it. 
"It's nothing don't worry about it" he says taking her hand off his face gently and toying with her fingers. "It's clearly not nothing. Does it hurt?" she asks with her brows knitted together while she brings her other hand up and traces the area with a feather light touch. He flinches and hisses as if she's hurt him and she gets even more concerned before she realizes he's joking. "Don't do that! I'm worried about you" she says pushing on one of his shoulders a bit to which he hisses out in true pain. 
"Jae oh my gosh I'm so sorry. I-" she starts but stops when he places one of his hands on her cheek. "Don't worry about it, I'm fine" he says and makes purposeful eye contact with her, to which she decides to just look towards the floor after a second and nods, not asking any further. "Hey" he says and brings her chin back up to look at him again "Just trust me okay?" he asks and she just nods again in response. 
"I need words Pretty" he says using that pet name with her again, making her eyes widen a bit. "Okay" she agrees, "Okay what?" he says tilting his head at her in amusement, teasing to get a smile out of her. "Okay I trust you" she says, giving him that smile he was searching for. "There she is" he says, referring to her normal playful self. 
"Let's head inside okay?" he suggests and she grabs her books from him before he make moves to even push off of the wall he had been leaning against. He tries to reach out for them but she gives him a stern look telling him not to push his luck with her. "Alright alright fine" he says holding his hands up and decides to walk behind her when they walk into the classroom and follows her over to her desk. 
"Can I walk you to your next class?" he asks when she sits down and she nods in agreement but she shies away when he raises a brow at her. "Yes Jae I would love it if you walked me to class" she says and at that he gives her a half smile and runs a thumb over her cheek before he heads off to his seat. 
"My brain is total mush right now" Jae says as they finish up the lesson. "Oh come on it wasn't that bad" Lana laughs and shakes her head as they make their way over to her next class. "Hey Jae!" we all hear a voice say from behind. Even before his voice met my ears my bracelet lit up "Oh hey, give me a minute I'm just gonna walk Lana to her class" Jae says as they continue on down the hallway. "Okay, we'll be outside" he says and even though my head is telling me not to my heart has a mind of it's own making me turn to face him. 
The first thing my eyes land on is his bracelet that he seems to be fiddling with, him looking as confused as I was yesterday. No longer gold but it still sits on his wrist, beaten and tarnished so much so that it has turned into a dark matte black. Another reminder of how far he's fallen, as if his appearance and demeanor wasn't enough. 
He's dressed just like Jae, with piercings and those same burnt and twisted branches as well, his woven through other various tattoos on one of his arms of all shapes and sizes, a particular one catching my eye. He takes a look around to see if he could possibly catch sight of me but fallen angels can't see other angels until they too materialize. I can't help the few tears that fall from the shock of the state he's in especially when he heads back outside to a group of other guys dressed just like them. 
What are Jae and Jungkook involved in? And why for God's sake did he have to choose Lana?
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neverendingparable · 5 months
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(THERE IS A LONG PERIOD OF TIME IN WHICH I SCRIBBLE AWAY AT THE SURVEY WITH A HORRIBLY BASTARDIZED BIRO THAT KEEPS SPRINGING APART EVERY THREE SECONDS. BUT EVENTUALLY I SUCCEED AND HAND ULMAR THE PAPER BACK)
THE STANLEY PARABLE: ULTRA DELUXE SATISFACTION SURVEY
Question 1: Did you enjoy The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe? Y/N
well really i think it should be written 'did you enjoy the stanley parable: ultra deluxe, y/n?' but
ohhhhhhhh you meant yes/no. um. yes!!!
Question 2: What was your favorite ending? Please provide a short description why.
the skip button ending x) bc it reminds me of a dear dear friend sniff sniff sniff... oh sk(THE PAPER IS SOAKED WITH TEARS TO THE POINT THE REST OF THE WRITING IS UNREADABLE DESPITE THE FACT AT NO POINT IN THE ANSWERING PROCESS DID I APPEAR TO BE CRYING)
Question 3: What was your most played ending? If it is different than your favorite one, please explain why.
ooooooooo um. comedy timing ending. i play it a lot so i can master the art of comedic timing to a higher degree. and also simply because for some reason i find it spooky
enjoyment wise it probably IS my favourite but i feel this loyalty to the skip button because (ANOTHER SPLATTER OF TEARS) oh for fucks sake let's go on
Question 4: How likely are you to recommend the game to other players? 1 - Not likely, 10 - Extremely likely
ERMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 1. not because its a bad game simply because i'm a sad, sad little man with not a lot of friends and even if i did have friends i don't often go around reccomending games to them
well, you did say 'players' and not 'friends', i guess. i don't necessarily have to be chummy with these hypothetical people. erm. players of what, that's the question.. players of the stanley parable (2013)? 10. well, no, uh, 3. because i would presume they'd already heard about the game. so it would be redundant to reccomend it then, wouldn't it? what about players of golf? um. actually, 7. because if i was talking with someone who played golf then i must REALLY be friends with them and so maybe id be more likely to reccomend this. but what's the context of the reccomendation? is this an online post? have i bumped into them at a party? are we- oh lawks ive run out of space
Question 5: What is your feedback to the developers, writers or narrators of this game? (Please note that intense negative feedback might have serious mental and physical consequences on those involved)
IMPLEMENT ANOTHER SKIP BUTTO- heheh no i jest i jest. sorry. i mean um.
TOBY. uh. T O B Y. i am going to tell a joke in which i reccomend feedback that has caused serious mental and physical consequences on those involved in the past, before cutting myself off (at which time you will laugh). i will then tell the developer, writers, or narrators to 'kill yourselves' (a phrase designed once more to imply serious mental and physical consequences) before cutting myself off again (where you will then laugh). um. T O B Y.
IMPLEMENT ANOTHER SKIP BUTTO- heheh no i jest i jest. just kidding. um. KILL YOURSEL- er, no. OKAY I'M NOW DONEY WITH THE FUNNY. please just fill out this eleven page survey for me. question one: did you like that joke? y/n
question two: will you m- aw shit im out of room again
Question 6: Have you ever worked in the Office? If so, do you find the experience of The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe realistic? If not, does The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe provide you with a positive image of the work environment in an office?
i have never worked in an office. um. ive never actually worked anywhere fun fact. but let's see. psychological experimentation, complete lack of regard for health and safety, mind control, sick-ass lounge- yeah it seems pretty positive to me!!
Question 7: Do you find Stanley relatable?
yes i too have a british voice in my head constantly providing me with annoying commentary. except he's called cas. haha. sorry that was a joke.
what i mean to say is ummmmmm TOBY. T O B- oh forget it. next question!
Question 8: Did you try to destroy the Bucket? Would you have preferred the game without the Bucket? How easy was it for you to attempt to destroy the Bucket? Do you love the Bucket?
I WOULD NEVER TRY TO DESTROY THE BUCKET... that is my FRIEND my LIFELONG COMPANION.... i have DREAMED ABOUT HER. don't try to make me think about a game without the bucket. that's like thinking about a world without sunshine or the bright happy laughter of children. shudders. what a horrible idea. abysmal, really. hey, is your name just straight up 'ulmar'?
Ulmar takes the survey with a beaming smile, reads over it once and then tucks it away, presumably to drop it off somewhere the developers or a Narrator could read through it.
He doesn't comment on the answers provided.
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pinksparkl · 5 months
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Hi! I just wanted to say I love your fanfics! (In all honesty lay me on the forest floor is my favorite and I have to keep reminding myself it was your fic and didn't canonically happen)
Could i ask for C, M and Q for the fanfic ask game, if it wouldn't be too much trouble?
(Also I live for your tags! They are a joy to read through! 💜)
Thanks Savvie~~ 💖💖
I had The Most Fun(TM) writing lay me on the forest floor (rated: E, 18+, minors dni) and you don't know how happy your words have made me~~~ Highest of high praise!! 😭 <- tears of happiness
And I enjoy writing in the tags~~ it's where I live most of the time tbh, so to hear that you enjoy reading them makes me very happy~😁💕
(Fanfic ask meme)
C: What character do you identify with most?
I'd love to say Lovely, but I would have been NOWHERE near an abandoned amusement park, no matter what someone paid me. 2 spooky 4 me.
Honestly, pre/early-s1 Freelancer, feeling lost in where they are in life, having no real connections outside of a magical person that no one else can see (I'm calling all of you guys in my phone magical)
M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?
Yes. I have so many WIPs you would not believe. I made a spinner to help me, because I have trouble spending too much time figuring out what I want to write instead of just writing.
(this pic is no longer up to date though, because I continue to be the way that I am 😛)
I'm working through them, trying to get the ideas from the "what if X happened?"-stage and make it into an actual story.
Some random ones I have are:
Angel is super tired and collapsed almost asleep on the bed (not injured/sick!) and grumbly!David gets them into pyjamas.
Vincent needs cuddles just as much as Lovely does.
Aaron/Smartass late-late at night/early morning "pillow talk" and kisses. They're both stupid-tired but don't want to sleep yet.
Q: Do you have any discarded scenes/storylines/projects?
It physically pains me when I have to cut out something (or forgetting to put it in in the first place is more likely... I type out notes so haphazardly that I misplace where I put bits of dialogue)
Here's one I meant to put in Cooking With Your Flirty Vampire Roommate it's kinda dumb, but whatever, I thought it was funny
Lovely: "Do you like spice?"
Vincent: "Oh, I like a bitta spice." *smirking*
Lovely: *rolling their eyes* "As in food, come on, mind outta the gutter for one minute, please."
And I posted forever ago about something I wanted to put in I want to you all of me (rated: E, 18+, minor dni) In which d(a)emons have a written language and Gavin draws it over Freelancer's skin as they cuddle afterwards (I'm literally so angry at myself for missing out on this scene, but I'm sure it could work it's way into a current Freelancer/Gavin WIP~~)
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Text
ABOUT THE BLOG
For a while, I was posting random high thoughts on my main account, but decided, why not make a dedicated page for that kind of content. So, this is my 🍃 account. I will never post or respond here if I am sober or think I am too sober. That way, it is authentic.
MY NAME
If you don’t follow me, call me the avocado bandit. if you do follow me, you must call me the avocado king. becoming a follower makes me your king.
ABOUT ME
I am an adult and I consume weed to help with my C-PTSD & depression. Also for silly time because silly brain is fun. I am a trans guy and I use He/It/Xe pronouns. I would prefer it if minors did not interact here, but I suppose I cannot be too mad if someone comes across a funny out-of-context post. This is under the assumption that I can be funny. I will try to avoid posting here while not high. This includes writing this pinned post.
We have DID and sometimes post about it. However, that is not what this blog is focused around.
DNI
If you are transphobic/TERF/trans-med or otherwise an obnoxious cisgender person (fuck it, especially the CISHETS) then you can go bye-bye.
If think you can be a system without childhood trauma, also bye bye. This account is not the place for this drama, but trust me I have a nuanced opinion on the topic. But I don't wanna deal with it on this account.
If you homophobic, good bye bitch. Also if you exclude asexuals or non-binary people, then fuck off. Go eat a used gym sock.
If you are racist or xenophobic, I hope that your teeth rot out of your mouth, leaving you to only eating bland soup, as you are no longer allowed to enjoy foods from other cultures.
If you are trans-id I would appreciated if you identified as blocked.
If you are pro ana or sh it would be cool if you got help instead of glorifying it online.
If you are a pedo, it would be pretty fucking cool if you got on a boat to the center of the ocean, tied cinder blocks to your feet, and entered the water.
TAG GUIDE
Different types of posts will use the following tags for the following things. If you follow, feel free to block whichever ones you like. Don’t expect everyone to like everything, so here it is for your convenience.
#♻️ gilded profoundness -> These are posts which are meant to be meaningful, even though they probably are not.
#♻️ descriptions -> directly describe the experience of bring high
#♻️ weird -> weird things said while high that are probably stupid on purpose
#♻️ capitalism -> sometimes when i'm high i am thinking about capitalism too hard and confuse myself. should i put "we"??? we are a system but will not talk about it on this account much, so idk if it is relevant? should i add things to confuse? never mind
#♻️ realizations -> things i did not think about before
#♻️ realizations but traumatic -> tmw you have a ptsd flashback while high and then recover and you are still high and also kinda dissociating and you sit there and you think about what you just now realize was trauma cause you thought it was normal but no, it fucking was not, but you're high so you just write it down somewhere so you remember it, then you go back to thinking about silly high things, or consume strange media cause you're high and that's fun to do while high.
#♻️🍆 spicy -> horny posts. probably won't post much of that here as we have a separate blog for horny thoughts, but if it is here it'll be tagged
#♻️ reblog -> posts i reblogged
#♻️ memes -> usually have to do with venting but not always
#♻️ real time -> describing things as they are happening or just happened.
#♻️ free space -> Concepts to write about for entertainment.
#♻️ ask response -> if someone said something that would be nice but do not be mean please
#♻️ agere -> sometimes baby brain takes over. soft fuzzy high brain easily becomes little baby. sfw!!!! (note that this blog is not 100% sfw, though when i do regress, it is in a sfw way)
#♻️ paranoid -> will also be tagged with common tags just in case for filtering. i just realized that if someone follows, and the block some of these tags, this pinned post will be hidden cause i have those tags pinned for convenience
#♻️ neutral -> idk a specific label
#♻️ walmartposting - Its a place for stoners to exercise aimlessly.
#♻️ upset -> vent or something idk
#♻️ dissociative stuff -> stuff about DID. usually syscourse. figured i might as well make a tag for it since we get riled up while high on occasion.
#♻️ yeee 🍺 -> alcohol was involved
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imy2 · 3 months
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again w notes
3-6 ok ngl s3 so far has been mid.. i think i'm paying attention less.. high10k was funny•
3-7 murphy looks cool this ep.. •
"it's weird." "how?" "well - everybody likes him." ..... "that's f'd up." •
hector looks cute this ep, so does kaskae ... also kaya :-) •
"fear no more" on van w 'fear' repeating on speaker n 'fear' on back was a cool bit .. •
i meant to note it then(2-6) but didnt so will now bc theyre going to her.. when murphy left lucy, just no one questioned it.. they rly thought he killed her ? interesting. . •
the man watching murphy eat this brain rn feels sexual .. lmfaoo then he puts a gun to him •
operation bite-mark need a spark, did u carry on need to hear ur call we've been gone - you've been gone too long c-z wannabe, that's me i need to see murphy talk to me - please don't freeze on my knees beggin hear my plea whoo! • ready? i'm kaya on the wire can't get by ya, why ya try it ain't a liar, mama mercy is my business and my business is on fire still alive at the northern lights we had a fright but we alright we ok, we hold tight every day, day by day x5 day by day • kaya in the sky-a B)
lol the man leaving his hand w his middle finger up for murphy•
3-8 sketchy n skeezy r baack .. tbh they r worse than i rmbr .•
"lost causes are worth dying for! yeaahh, wooo!" my lovr (inmydreamsofc)•
"fear turns us into monsters; no less violent than the enders and no more alive than the z's." •
"who won the election anyway?" "everyone wrote in the same thing.. 'that weed doctor'" •
3-9 i forgot abt vasquez... ahh damn... well hi n bye vasquez :/ .... i feel like if roberta warren n teresa mendoza could team up, in either of their worlds.. pheww ... o hi lucy .. wth's happenin w hector •
3-10 murphy -_- 10k :(.. here we go w lucy.. doc looked cute this ep•
3-11 doc at the table ... •
oh hell no..
Tumblr media Tumblr media
3-12 perhaps murphys best look.. damn he changes sm.. lets see 1. s1e1-4, skin - white, hair - br/shaggy . 3/5 2. s1e5-12, skin - white, hair - bald 2/5 3. s1e12-s2e12, skin - blue, hair - br/buzzed 2/5 4. flashback s2ep14, skin - white, hair - br/fancy? 3/5 5. s2e13 - s3e6, skin - blue, hair - bl/shaggy 3.5/5 6. s3e7-s3e11, skin - blue+white, hair - bl/shaggy 4/5 7. s3e12-?, skin - lavender?+blue, hair - wh/fancy 5/5•
ahhhh murphy n warren purpleroom scene... the tension, the looks! ooo when warren pulls out the brain n looks at him like :/ •
lol 10k n red r cute but sun mei bein completely over them is funnier •
"you dont understand." "if i did, i'd kill myself." ooof. .... "you know what they'll do to us." "i know." "we need you. - help me, warren." n warrens facee :') •
•^i need to rewatch killing eve.... n mayb the 100 but idk abt that.. but gahh enemies to/and(lol) lovers •
3-13 lucy ep, fun.. doc n addy at end were cute•
3-14 man ending the season w not 1 but 4 ppl jumpin off a cliff + 2 ppl shot. incredible •
• overall .... 2.5 .. not my fav apparently •
4-1 "2 yrs later, things have gotten worse" then showing warrens helldream, so funny •
intro - bulletbulletbigbullet.. •
aww warren n murphy this ep r so cute •
4-2 addy n 10k bullet moment, cool ... hi sarge •
4-3 "no one said anything about frickin canada!" "you got a problem with canada?" "yeah i do it's far" murphyagain •
4-4 "well if you're going im going. idk what's going on in that head of urs but i'm gonna throw a little faith ur way." murphy n warren 🤝•
4-5 warren n this elevator is reminding me of beef.. man that still is one of the most surprising n disturbing scenes ever .. i think beef was the best show i seen in 2023.. outta 66 •
10k "i love dog food! puppy chow's my stuff, man!" sarge waking up - "we saved u some puppy chow" "oh! *eats it quick* *notices bird w her* bird? bird. bird! i found a bird! *shoves fist w bird in air* it was alive when i got it." doc n murphy n warren "hey, let me see that." .... "murphy?" "hmm?" "did you eat the bird?" "*coughs feathers* no." "never mind that." lmaoo one of the funniest scenes •
"well now what are we gonna do?" "i don't know abt u but i'm just gonna curl up and die." doc lmao •
"what is our fate?" .. "i'm not sure. i just feel it. it's like i felt the first time i laid eyes on you, murphy. i didn't know the how, why, or any of the what was coming next. the second i saw you i knew my job in life was to get you wherever the hell you were going." "..when you put it that way." warren n murphyyy •
4-6 sarge is so pretty ugh, warren ofc is gorgeous .. aww lucy :( ughh murphy n warren </333 "goodbye july, hate to see u go - so fast that i got a bloody nose" •
4-7 warren n murphy getting pissed for each other.. warren when theyre zapping murphy 2x, murphy "you son of a bitch, i'm gonna beat you til the clown meat shows" •
4-8 awww kaya n jz :') nana tooo.. •
warren n murphy being in mindscape together but her seeing dreamhell n him seein a nice field , til he burns "i felt it - what she's feeling. it's excruciating." n them lookin at each other ....... •
"you think this will be over? i call that faith." "nah, that's just basic survival. you gotta believe this will end, right? if you don't - hug a zombie." pftt •
4-9 awww kaya n cz n jz :') •
0 notes
santajp · 10 months
Note
Hey random question!! I've been following your blog, and really have been liking your photography! How did you get so good? Like, I know part of photography is right place and time, but you just make everything look beautiful?? Honestly excited to see more! Please keep takin pictures! Also, did you know there's another name for a portrait photo? When the subject is you, it's called beauty! No matter the angle or lighting.
Awww! Thanks for liking the photos and shooting a question! X3
As for how I got so good, I was far from born with anything. I had to learn all this stuff, but I'd say a big thing that helped me wanna learn more was a photographer who was way older than me and much more experienced giving me a personal moment to see him in action. Now I personally had already done photography with my phone and had only recently gotten a bigger camera (*a phone is a fine starting point since many basic ideas of a good photo are the same no matter what you use), but a quote that will always stick with me was, "You are smarter than the camera." In a basic sense, he meant to stop using all the automatic features and really get to know the ins and outs of the tool you used, but in a grander sense, it made me finally get what taking a photo was, less of the camera doing it for me and more of me trying to capture the world in my own way and through things I cared about.
From there I learned how to change the lighting and posing of my photos alongside what made a photo stand out and be pretty, by school classes and many, many photos that were not good enough. Much of my subjects for photos were things I found pretty anyway, which made the job change to capturing that. I wanted to pose my toy bear in funny situations, bring my camera on any nature walk I could take, snap shots of any city, and try to capture anything I found value in. I've ran outside when many others were simply doing their usual lives, myself going crazy in a parking lot over how great the sky looked after my last class, almost baffled at how you could just not look at it, or taken walks for no other reason than to get more photos. I have pictures of my friends, even if I don't speak much to them anymore, family I rarely see, pets I have lost, and so many things from all the places I've been to. ( All of these photos are saved in multiple places by the way! Be safe with your backups! >:] )
So, to answer your question in a long and sappy way, the main way I got good was through others and by simply living with my camera by my side. There are most certainly technical things, and you must practice, but that finding of meaning is the biggest aspect of doing any kind of art I've found.
I can draw, but only if I've seen others that inspire or a world which gives the process of doing so meaning. I can learn more along the way of drawing my OCs a million times too!
I can play a song, but only if the notes make me hear a depth that can simply be to please the ears or make me dance or laugh. I'm not a Vylet Pony level artist, but I sure as hell am not gonna stop learning music from a lack of current skill beacuse I have too many songs I love that make me wanna make one too.
And I can write, but only if what I'm writing gives me the motivation to put my thoughts into words, gives me the want to make more for myself rather than force my mind to for a grade. Then I also can only write seeing how others put their thoughts into words, how they give out their own feelings through these weird mixings of letters. Like this whole ass post for example (lol), I write when I care about what I'm trying to say and getting it out to others from my weird brain.
For any kind of art, the thing that stands out is love and passion. There are so many ways to show and do it, no matter what anyone says, but if you love the art, I trust you'll be fine. Furthermore, live a little! Use your life in what you create, and if one thing doesn't work out, switch gears and keep on running! I doubted my photos many times, and I still do way too much, but whenever that happens, I just keep living until I see a flower that is too good to miss, and then I am back on the horse by leaning down with my camera ready. Is it being stubborn? Oh absolutely, but is it how I got this far? Yes, and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Lastly, your portrait photo definition is a tad bit off. Though I like the spirit, and it is absolutely right. Just remember it has two definitions rather than only one, but don't worry. All you need to do for the second one is change that 'you' to a 'me', beacuse acting as if you aren't beautiful is lying to the world.
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clicheyettouche · 11 months
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THE SUICIDE NOTE I NEVER FINISHED WRITING.
What I actually wrote today is very sensitive. It's not for everyone. It's about my suicide attempts and my thoughts about it. So, if you're uncomfortable with this kind of topic then please don't bother reading it. I just want to voice out what I've been through.
So yup! If you're wondering about the title, it is 100% truth. There's no reason for me to joke about this. And the idea of opening up about this is actually just because of the sudden deaths. Like, ang dami nag su-suicide talaga. The funny thing is, sobrang timing.
So, I was checking out my old drafts on my old wattpad account the other day when I stumbled upon the suicide note I had written years ago when I was still in college, entitled "moonlight and butterfly". I debated for 10 minutes about opening it and reading it. Kasi it might trigger me or something. Eventually, I gave in. Well, akin naman 'yun so I don't think I can stop myself from opening it. My heart sank when I read every word so, again...tears fell down my face as I read the words I had written.
If you ask me now, I do remember everything and why I felt so desperate and tormented. I know I was dealing with severe anxiety, and that I had lost most of my friends because I never left the house, and I clearly remember how stupid, sad and alone I was. The letter didn't even explain my reasoning for wanting to end my life. All I know is there's a lot of days that I really did contemplate committing suicide on a daily basis, and I'm not sure what will put me over the edge and when. What I wrote was mostly apologetic, and called out some of my family and friends specifically to tell them how much I loved them. But it was still heartbreaking. The words were so sad.
I'll share you the half of my letter...
I have my free trial of life and I want to cancel it before I have to start paying for it. I don't like it very much and it's too expensive. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not.
If you are reading this, chances are that I've killed myself in some manner. As of the time I am writing this I have not decided on how. I am sorry for how this made you feel. It has been on my brain for a long time and obviously I succumbed. I was so tired and helpless.
Let me start off saying I do not want to be cremated. I don't want my ashes to be kept in an urn, it'll make me feel alone even more. I just want a private funeral, wake, memorial, orbituary or even a cross somewhere in remembrance. I want a lot of daisies around my casket because that's my favorite flower.
I would also really not like the news of this to travel far. I don't want people to feel sad for me or even pity me more. And there are a couple of things I would like to say to some people I cherish the most:
Mommy and Daddy: Please don't be sad. None of this was your fault. So,thank you for raising me with love. I never once doubted that the two of you loved me very much.
5K: This is just my choice. I thought long and hard on this, It is what I want. And I know you guys don't want this for me. I'm sorry but none of your existential quote or words of wisdom can cure this, It won't change anything. Believe me. I did everything to save myself but It just so happens that I am not that strong as you think I am. I sincerely hope that y'all will move on from this and just be happy without me. It's okay. I can say I'm finally free and you don't have to worry. Love you all! xx
You see...
I do not fear death. I fear life. I fear the tortures of my every day. I fear the noise and the vision. I fear what I can do. I fear what I will do. I'm sorry everyone but this world is just not my place. Maybe I was meant to be a ghost who watches people everyday and just wonder why am I here on earth or a lost butterfly in someone else's garden. I am leaving a world to which I never truly belonged or fit in. And I'm sorry if I'm not strong enough. Know that I'm gone because I chose to do so. There's no one to blame.
For once, I finished something I started. For once I was brave enough to go through with something risky and dangerous. I want my peace. I do hope that I can watch you all from the clouds above. And sending down the purest and beautiful butterflies to send you love and comfort.
The act of taking my own life is not something I am doing without a lot of thought. Grabe 'yung pag-iisip ko, sobra pa sa sobra. I'm an overthinker, it's either my thoughts can save me from actually doing it or it can be the cause of my death.
I tried to cancel the free trial, but sadly it didn't work. I attempted suicide three times and I failed thrice can you imagine that? Mas toxic ang thoughts ko noon. I have this situation where I was so numb from too much pain. It was a real madness inside me. No one knows about this story pero I think it's time to open this part of my life.
During my college I struggled with the whole "going no where" thing ever since I was out of high school. There's no one I can be transparent to about what I'm feeling. I feel like everyone is too busy with their own life and I was just a burden all this time. I hate college and I would rather be homeless, I would rather work a shi t job or I would rather lie in bed until I die. Honestly I don't know what is and what isn't for me anymore. Overall I'm so tired and completely lost all my motivation and my brain can't find dopamine to get me to care. It all feels pointless. So that time I have to go to school of course kasi it's weekdays. And I did. But before I go to school I'm thinking ways to do it. There's not a day I don't think about life if I didn't exist. There's not a day I don't stare at the taunting blade underneath our desk, making me wonder how deep do I have to cut until I fall asleep.
I remember meron pa nga akong rope sa kwarto ni lola and I'm the one who tie it into a knot. I'm not sure if they got weirded out or wonder why there's a rope there. What my plan was, I can just do it sa edge ng kama, 'yun bang sa sobrang higpit I will never grasp for air. It's actually how prisoner execute their suicide. Moving forward I had to go to school, and I did. I'm actually standing in front of the school entrance thinking if I should go inside or just end myself. But what I did was I turned around at sumakay ako ng jeep na wala sa sarili. I stare people blankly. And I almost forgot to pay for my own fare dahil nakatulala lang ako sa kawalan. What am I thinking? I'm actually deciding.
I have to decide that time.
'Kung lalagpas ako sa usual na binababaan ko pauwi. I'll probably gonna kill myself. I mean there's a lot of option for me. I can go to MRT, mag pasagasa or tumalon sa building. I mean I'm not really scared of doing it, the only thing na pumipigil sa'kin is 'yung mga taong maiiwan ko. As I was looking outside the jeep. What flashes right before my eyes was my own family grieving and blaming themselves when I'm gone. I truly believe my body would be nothing but dust before anyone would even notice I wasn't around pero I know how painful it would be for them. The awful sickness I feel inside of me is eating me alive from the inside out but I'm not selfish. I care about my family more than I care for myself.
I look cold as ice on the outside but the moment I got home. I did cry so hard. All I did was cry. Dun ako nag decide na hindi ko na kaya, na I don't want to go to college anymore. Hindi naman sa ayaw kong mag-aral, I mean theres more to that. I wanted to but how am I supposed to do that? It's really hard for me to explain. And the most heartbreaking part of that situation was, my own father told me na nag-iinarte lang ako. It hurts me more kasi I'm at my lowest and that's the time that I realised that no one really tried to understand me. I really wish na pag-iinarte nga lang ang lahat so it's a lot more easier for me to deal with. Pero hindi eh. No one bothers asking me why or what happened without giving me judgements and all. Maybe this is the reason why I prefer to just keep it all to myself.
I always tell myself that I am strong. I have always been strong, but until when? How long do I have to keep holding on? I can't see myself growing old or dying of natural causes. During those critical times the only way I can see myself go is if i do it myself. Some nights you feel the void in your heart growing and you wonder if It's going to be like that forever. You become exhausted trying to win against your loneliness, so you just sit in the corner, and passively let it eat you alive. I faced multiple problems everyday.
Money. Motivation. Rejection. Will to live. I also ate insults for lunch from myself. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm harsh. I'm insecure. I'm so fucking edgy and raw, that's why I scare myself sometimes. There were specific incident when I went further than I had intended to, or I broke a personal rule or boundary I'd previously set myself, and at those times I was really, immediately, very scared of myself and what I could do to myself. The recent incident was only last year. I cut myself, there's a lot of lines on my wrist. It's getting deeper and deeper every cuts. But my intention was not to cut my wrist anyway, I want to slit my throat or just stab myself. Because I want a sure kill. That's how my mind works.
As much as I try to be a decent, relatively normal person, there is just a dark cloud over me. I'm dissociated a lot of the time. I don't trust people. I love humanity, but I do hate people. There is just this darkness inside of me that is scary. They don't know or understand what it feels like to carry that the whole entire time. What it does to a person. I am not bad and I know that. I was always the sympathetic and empathetic one that saw the good in everyone. I still am. But I'm scared of myself. What's inside me, and what I am capable of. So, I'm hoping na people would understand me. I mean I don't think I'm suicidal. I'm not that person na araw-araw the only thought I have is to kill myself. Hindi pa ako umaabot sa ganon, those kind of idea will eventually come to me kapag hindi ko na alam 'kung sa paanong way ko i-hahandle 'yung situation. Like when something BIG happened to the point na I can't even handle my own thoughts and emotions or I can't control the situation I'm in doon ako nag-iisip ng masama.
Feeling like a contradiction. Wanting connection, but avoiding it. Wanting to friendly or decent, but knowing one could explode at any moment. It's a tough way to live, holding that at bay all the time. This is why I have a butterfly tattoo. It resembles my life kahit papaano. Like, I was in a cocoon that was dark, confusing, and incredibly sad. I was scared of people, and I still am, but not as much as before. I was told that I was troubled, that something was wrong with me, and that I was disturbed. No one took the time to understand me, but they took the time to judge and reject me. Butterfly is supposed to be held for a short time and then let go. It's beauty is not for anyone to possess and if someone tried to possess it, the butterfly ceases to exist. I flit through life and I enter people's lives for a short time, then I fly away. I learn from them, and they learn from me. I'm always sad at the end of my time with them, but I'm happy for the experience.
I don't want to be born as human again if I have a choice. Being a butterfly is not a bad idea. That seems like the good life. Short and Simple. Being a human is just...too complicated and miserable. So many limbs, and digits on this body to worry about. And what am I supposed to be doing this whole time? Walk around? Touch things? Cry everytime? Forget it... I'd rather just fly above everything and observe. It'd be worth drinking sweet nectar from flowers.
And before I die I wish I'm listening to Butterfly by BTS because that's also my favorite song from them and I don't want a cremation! I hate that. Anyway this is not a suicide note...I hope it's not tho. All I know is that the only reason why I'm still alive is I want to spare my family from pain and trauma. Because I felt that.
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arlecchno · 1 year
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SHSJDJSK OH MY GOD HI ITS ME JELLYFISH (silly text coloring is very fun to me) AGAIN HAHAH - okay so one , oh my god youre so nice WTF AAAH two , i dont have a board in real life because goodness the amount of printer ink id use to make little pictures for it …. the google slide i made was an absolute shitpost (because thats pretty much just how i think LMAO) im really into genshin lore itself and have a handful of “original” (as in ive never seen anyone else talk about em) theories (ive made a slideshow for one of them too —though i must admit it needs a lot of revision— and another is currently in progress) so i have a bit of a knack for “narrative detective work” as i call it LOL . little fun fact here (because im a total a show - off) i actually started seeing yunjin as a suspect around the ball arc ! (official documentation of my suspicion was the 5th of december between chapters 21 - 23 , if i recall correctly) the suspicious bolded texts about their relationship and viktors lie when asked about yunjins whereabouts /REALLY/ set off some alarm bells in my head , among other things . admittedly i never solved these cases a really long time before the main cast finds out , but i think its still a win , yeah ? honestly it was a bit of a shocker to me when it was revealed yunjin was “playing as” viktor , i never really considered that possibility in my head at the time ! kudos to you my friend , youve successfully plot - twisted the detective ! (haha) id totally log onto my actual tumblr account to send you the silly theoryboard i made for another fic because i think its funny to show people but its SO unprofessional and weird so idk tell me if youd like to see it i guess - i hope my unfiltered ranting doesnt bother you lmao , ALSOBEFOREIFORGET ILY2 <3 <3 (/p) BUT IT IS LIKE 2AM RIGHT NOW SO I WILL ONCE AGAIN SIGN OFF !! (note: please dont mind any spelling or grammar mistakes because i inevitably get a little braindead when its so late at night -)
yours truly ,
- jellyfish
HI JELLYFISH NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!
i should've mentioned the google slides board instead of just board because i knew what you meant haha! 😭 and about the running out of ink thing is so true i think if i had an irl corkboard where i solve out a case it's gonna be one hell of a mess...
and wow!!! i like genshin lore a lot but never really have the time to invest in everything since well, there's a whole lot of 'em 😔 it's actually so cool that you write up these digital boards and solve out stuff!! so interesting to see new kinds of ways to spend your free time~
i'm glad you caught on that yun jin was the serial killer around those chapters! i actually did purposely plan to start making her suspicious around the grad ball arc since it was one of the breaking points of y/n and kuni's relationship, so her having a big role in it makes everything more conflicted and wicked. it's a really nice addition to her character lmao
yun jin playing as viktor was something i myself hadn't expected to do ngl. i have no idea how i managed to execute that perfectly but i'm glad i did, seeing everyone's reactions to it is really comical and enjoyable! i love making people squirm! /hj
if you're comfortable with it, then sure! feel free to share that board with your theories on that fic you're talking about~ it'd be nice to see what goes on inside your head (I SWEAR THIS IS MEANT IN A NICE WAY!!!)
also, you never bother me!!! i like getting my inbox full with people interacting with me, so if anyone here who reads this wants to hit me up, then feel free to do so! i'm always open to new anons and friends :D
have a very nice day jellyfish and happy new year's eve / new year's! have a splendid 2023 up ahead 🫶
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sometimes i get a little giggle thinking about how tricky’s drawn cause-
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helloalycia · 3 years
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my patient’s neighbour [one] // wanda maximoff
summary: whilst caring for a new patient of yours, you definitely didn't expect to fall for her cute neighbour, Wanda Maximoff
warning/s: very minor mentions of injuries and death
author's note: okay so firstly, buckle in, folks, this is gonna be like 6 parts long lol. Also, I google translated all the Russian bits so i apologise if they are incorrect! okay, you may enjoy now :)
part two | part three | part four | part five | part six | part seven | masterlist | wattpad
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"38... 38... 38..."
I scanned the doors to the many apartments in the hall, hoping to find the one that belonged to my newest patient – Anna Pivec. As a nurse, I was always given new patients to visit and tend to until they no longer needed it or chose not to have me around. I'd just been assigned a new patient, Anna, and was excited to meet her.
"38!" I said to myself, spotting the door at the end of the hallway. I knocked on before waiting patiently, hoping she wasn't sleeping or anything. It wasn't too early – 10AM – and she knew I was coming, so finger's crossed.
The door opened to reveal a short, old lady with grey hair and a cane in her hand. I smiled kindly, meeting her cloudy gaze.
"You must be the one my granddaughter is paying to look after me because she can't do it herself," the woman spoke before I could introduce myself. Stepping to the side, she motioned with her cane. "Come on in."
My smile dropped at her abruptness. "I, er, yeah, I guess that's me." As I walked in, I said, "My name is Y/N Y/L/N. The nurse from–"
"Yeah, I know where you're from," she cut me off, closing the door and heading further into her apartment. "They sent me a brochure, milaya."
I followed after her, surprised at how quick she was for an old lady with back and heart problems. She was leading me into the open plan living-room and kitchen.
"I'm sorry – milaya? What does that mean?" I asked politely, hoping I didn't come across as rude.
She waved her hand dismissively, mumbling something to herself in what I think was Russian. Her profile did say she was from Sokovia, so maybe that was it.
"Okay, erm, well, as I said," I changed the subject, figuring she wouldn't give me an answer, "I'm Y/N. I'll be here five times a week and basically be doing anything you need me to do. Of course, I only want you to be comfortable in your own home, so if you ever feel anything but, please let me know."
She hummed in acknowledgement before motioning for me to follow her. I set my bag on the kitchen counter before sitting on the couch as she did so on the recliner. She sighed with content as the pain on her back was eased from taking a seat.
"Tell me about yourself," she said gently.
I smiled with amusement. "That's usually what I ask my patients."
"Do forgive me, milaya," she said, and I made a mental note to bring a Russian-English dictionary with me tomorrow, "but you're a stranger in my home. I'd prefer to know about you before I let you take care of me."
I nodded, slightly impressed. Her profile didn't do her justice. Usually, the elderly I cared for were quick to allow me to do my thing, never really questioning who I was or what my intentions were. I was starting to get the impression that Anna was a strong, stubborn woman in a little old lady's body – definitely not one to mess around with.
"Okay, well, I'm a nurse," I began with the basics, and from there, went into a long ramble about my job, how I got into it, what it consisted of...
Anna was full of questions, taking the time to get to know me and I her. Once I had told her everything I could think to, she told me about her life. How she lived in Sokovia up until she was thirty-five years old and had to flee with her husband and daughter because of the war. She gushed about the both of them, a twinkle in her eye as she recalled their livelihoods like they were still alive. Her husband had unfortunately passed many years ago due to liver problems – "All that drinking, milaya! Us Sokovians are a force to be reckoned with!" – and her daughter had passed in a car accident not long after.
It was a tragic tale, but she didn't let it bring her down. In fact, she seemed grateful to have lived it and I couldn't help but smile as she shared it with me.
I noticed she would speak short phrases in Russian mid-conversation, without realising, which didn't make it easier for me to understand, but I couldn't bring it in myself to interrupt her to ask what they meant because she said it with such sincerity that I figured it reminded her of her home.
After our conversation, I made her lunch and gave her her medication before watching some TV with her and pretty much talking to her once again. She was quite an interesting woman, different to my usual patients, and I was enjoying our time together. After spending the day there, I wished her a good night before leaving.
When I returned the next morning, I let myself in with the key Anna gave me and called out a good morning.
"In here!" an unfamiliar female voice called out.
I furrowed my brows as I took off my jacket and headed into the living-area. Anna was sat in her recliner as usual, but she had a guest sat on her couch. A young woman, possibly my age, with long dark hair and a friendly smile on her lips was sat comfortably; she had a cup of tea in her hands and her legs pulled up on the couch like she lived there.
The stranger and Anna exchanged words in Russian briefly before the former stood up, about to introduce herself.
"Oh, are you her granddaughter?" I asked, putting two and two together. It was the only explanation I could think of for how comfortable she was and the fact that she was also Sokovian (I assumed, anyway).
The girl laughed, her green eyes sparkling as she shook her head. Putting out her hand, she said, "I'm Wanda Maximoff. Anna's neighbour."
Slightly embarrassed by my mistake, I smiled awkwardly and shook her hand. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have– I just thought because you were speaking Russian that–"
"It's fine, no harm no foul," she put me at ease quickly, before taking her seat again. "I've lived next door to Anna for about a year now. Sometimes I keep her company on my days off."
I set my bag on the floor before taking a seat on the couch, leaving a gap between Wanda and I.
"That's nice," I said with a smile before looking to Anna. "How are you feeling this morning, Mrs Pivec?"
She sighed, waving her hand dismissively, before saying something to Wanda in Russian who was listening intently. Nodding her head, Wanda looked to me with amusement.
"What did she say?" I asked, quirking a brow.
"She said she told you to stop calling her Mrs Pivec yesterday," Wanda translated, trying not to laugh.
"Just call me Anna, Y/N," Anna added with a nod. "And I'm fine. Just had breakfast with Wanda here."
"Breakfast," I repeated slowly. "How long ago was that? Just gotta make sure you get your meds."
"Shoot, am I doing your job?" Wanda asked, slightly panicked.
"No, no, you're not." I laughed at the way she scrunched her nose. "I mean, it would help if I could have breakfast with Miss– Anna, so I know when she has her medication. But it's all good."
"Are you sure? I can leave if I'm in the way," Wanda said with a frown.
"No need," I reassured her. "If Anna doesn't mind your presence, it's all good. I'm just here to look after her, clean up, make sure she eats, has her meds."
Wanda looked to Anna, who seemed unbothered by her presence.
"She can stay," Anna said with a shrug. "Makes it feel less like I'm a pet."
I opened my mouth to say something, possibly make her feel better, but I wasn't sure what to say.
"Don't mind her," Wanda reassured, giving Anna a knowing look before shooting me an easygoing smile. "She tends to speak her mind exactly as it is. No filter whatsoever. And very stubborn. You may have noticed."
I cracked a smile, feeling better knowing that it wasn't just me who noticed Anna's unique personality traits.
"Hey, that stubbornness and lack of filter is exactly how I beat my husband and his friends in every poker game back home," Anna said with a playful smirk.
Wanda and I chuckled, before the brunette leaned on the couch comfortably and looked to me.
"We finished breakfast, maybe, ten minutes ago? I made us eggs and toast," she answered my question from earlier.
I hummed before getting up with my bag and heading to the kitchen. Setting my bag on the counter, I grabbed my diary and also Anna's medication from its place on the kitchen counter.
"I'll give you your medicine now, Anna," I told her, already grabbing a glass of water for her.
"Thank you, milaya," she called back, and I spun around, immediately going to get my Russian-English dictionary from my bag. "Wait, I know what that is!" I flicked through the pages and scanned it eagerly. "Milaya... milaya... milaya! Okay, it means... sweetie."
"Sweetie," Wanda said at the same time, and I looked up to see her watching me from behind her cup of tea, trying not to laugh again.
"I guess another perk of your presence is being the translator," I said sheepishly, realising just how eager I was a second ago. "Anna likes to speak Russian a lot, which I'm fine with of course, but..." I waved the dictionary in the air.
"It's funny watching tvoye lichiko, milaya," Anna said with that same mischievous smirk on her face.
I looked down to my dictionary, struggling to pinpoint a single word in her sentence that I could search. It was overwhelming, the words going in one ear and out the other.
"She said it's funny watching your little face, sweetie," Wanda translated upon seeing my frozen state.
I relaxed my shoulders. "Thanks." Then I realised what she said. "Hey!"
Anna laughed as Wanda grinned, and I was suddenly glad she was here. I grabbed Anna's meds with a glass of water before giving them to her. After making sure she swallowed them properly, I put the glass to the side and took a seat on the couch again.
"So, you said you visited Anna on your days off?" I asked Wanda, intrigued by why a neighbour would be so interested in another. It wasn't very common in today's day and age.
"She's almost always here," Anna answered before Wanda could speak. I looked to her as she continued with a grateful smile. "Helps me with everything. Groceries, cleaning, my medication."
"So basically me but unpaid," I joked, and Anna laughed.
"Exactly," she agreed, and I looked to Wanda to see her blushing, eyes avoiding mine.
"That's really sweet," I said gently, earning her attention. "You're a really good neighbour, Wanda."
Wanda ran a hand through her hair. "It's nothing. If anything, I enjoy being here. Anna reminds me of Sokovia and my family and, well, home."
"Oh, so you're Sokovian, too?"
She nodded before smiling playfully. "Did the accent not give it away?"
I hid a smile. "I didn't want to assume. I mean, you could've been Czech. Slovakian. Basically anything else."
"Okay, I'll give you that," she gave in, tilting her head to the side, smile widening.
It was then that I learnt her smile was extremely contagious.
Same as yesterday, my plan was to stay the day with Anna, though this time Wanda also kept her company (and me, too). After lunch, I left the two of them to watch some TV as I excused myself to change Anna's bedsheets in her room, ready for bed tonight.
As I was doing so, I heard the door open and glanced over my shoulder to see Wanda entering the room. I gave her a smile before continuing to replace the pillowcase.
"Here, I can help," she offered, and didn't give me chance to decline as she grabbed the pillow on the other side of the bed and began to change its case.
"You sure? You know it's my job, right?" I teased, looking up at her over the bed between us.
She rolled her eyes playfully. "I'm aware. Just thought I'd make it a bit easier for you."
I chuckled. "Well, I appreciate it... how is Anna?"
"Dozed off," Wanda quipped with an expectant nod. "Same time every day. Like clockwork."
"Huh." I thought back to yesterday and how she ended up taking a nap after lunch, too. "Noted. Thanks."
Wanda smiled before putting the pillowcase on the pillow and puffing it with her hands. I did the same, content with its appearance, before moving to the duvet. Wordlessly, Wanda grabbed one end and began to help me put it on, which I appreciated. The duvet was bigger than I was and definitely a two-person job.
"Hey, can I ask you something?" I spoke out of the blue as we were putting on the duvet cover.
"Go for it," she said encouragingly, glancing sideways.
"Of course, you don't have to answer, but I thought I'd ask since I'm going to be looking after Anna for a while," I gave a little disclaimer, before saying, "She makes a lot of snide remarks about her granddaughter. Do they not get along?"
Wanda sighed quietly. "Her granddaughter doesn't really visit her here. She rarely calls."
"Her daughter's kid?"
"The only one," Wanda confirmed. "She keeps her distance, ever since her mum – Anna's daughter – passed. She just pays for, well, you."
I frowned. "That's sad."
"Yeah," Wanda agreed, breathing out.
The two of us spread the duvet over the double bed before I looked to her with a small smile.
"At least she has you," I pointed out. "It's nice you give up your free time to spend it with her."
"Like I said, it's good for me, too," she reminded me, returning the smile.
"So what do you do when you're not here keeping her company?" I asked curiously, moving to Anna's bedside to clear it up a little.
Wanda hid her smile behind a look of confusion. "Do you not– don't you recognise me?"
I quirked a brow, pausing my actions. "Am I supposed to?"
She snickered, shaking her head, eyes falling to the bed with mild disbelief. "I mean, I guess not. I'm–" She chuckled, looking to my confused face. "I'm one of the Avengers."
I studied her, her words not quite settling in. But when they did, I realised I actually recognised her and she was one of the Avengers.
"Oh my God!" I blurted, the penny finally dropping. "The one with the weird red energy powers! I mean– not weird but– the magic!"
She stifled laughter, nodding her head. Just like her smile, her laughter was contagious, too.
"Yeah, that's me," she confirmed.
I made a weird motion with my free hand, like I'd seen her do on TV when saving the day. "Does Anna know about your y'know?"
Wanda crossed her arms, raising a brow and watching me with a humoured gaze. "Is that supposed to be my powers?"
I stopped making the motion and felt my neck heating up. "I– yeah."
Laughter spilled from her lips yet again, automatically making me smile. I didn't mind that I'd made a fool of myself all of a sudden.
"Anna knows, yes," Wanda said with a bright smile. "She actually recognised me straight away. Much quicker than you. And she's eighty."
Waving my hand to distract from my flushed cheeks, I said, "Pfft, she probably confused you with someone else and played along when you told her who you were."
"Yeah, I'm sure that was it, ty milyy maneken," she retorted with her piercing gaze.
"No fair, my dictionary is in the other room," I said with a pout, and she only laughed even more.
"Guess you'll never know," she teased with a smirk, making me roll my eyes to distract from the way it made me feel when she stared at me like that.
It was much later on when I learnt that she had called me 'a cute dummy'. And that was the beautiful start to Wanda and I's introduction into each other's lives.
From then onwards, about eighty percent of the time I would go to care for Anna, Wanda was present, too and I didn't mind one bit. Not only did she keep Anna company, but she made my job a lot easier whilst keeping me company as well.
I was beginning to look forward to seeing her whenever I would open the door. Whether she was cleaning something up, playing board games with Anna or simply having a tidy up around the apartment, she'd always stop what she was doing and help me with whatever was in my hands as she greeted me at the door. It was adorable. She was adorable.
The few times she wasn't present because of work only made me miss her, the apartment feeling emptier than usual. Even Anna agreed, the two of us making up for the lack of the Sokovian girl's presence by distracting ourselves with other activities.
I was convinced Anna was warming up to me as she freely let me care for her without resistance. Obviously, she wouldn't be Anna if she didn't throw funny remarks my way or speak to me in Russian, knowing I didn't understand her, but it was tolerable. And I was liking her, too; she was easily becoming one of the best patients I cared for. There was just so much personality to her that I couldn't help but smile whenever I spoke to her.
One time, I was helping Anna out at her place when Wanda wasn't present. I was leading her into her bed when I decided now was a better time than ever to ask her about her birthday on Sunday, which I knew was then because of her file.
"So, I'll be seeing you in two days next," I told her as I pulled the duvet over her. "And a little birdie told me it's your birthday then. Eighty-one, Anna! That's amazing!"
She smiled but seemed embarrassed that I knew.
"Tell me what you want and I can make it happen," I said promisingly, smiling down at her.
She waved her hand. "I don't want anything, milaya (sweetie). Your presence is enough."
I chuckled. "As sweet as that is, I know everybody wants something for their birthday. Now please, Anna. What can I do to make the day a bit more special?"
She pondered my question momentarily and I waited for her to speak, hoping it was something doable.
"I would love to have a traditional Sokovian meal," she said reluctantly. "It's been a long time."
I breathed out quietly, patting her hand gently. "I can do that, Anna. Don't you worry."
She smiled genuinely, before shooing me away. "Okay, enough sappiness, ty mozhesh' uyti seychas (you can leave now)."
I laughed, standing up and dusting my pants off. I only knew what that phrase meant because she said it almost every time before my shift ended and I left for the day. I knew she didn't mean it as harshly as it sounded.
"I'm going, I'm going," I said, already heading to the door. "I'll see you Sunday, birthday girl."
She groaned quietly, making me grin, before I double checked everything was okay in the living-area and grabbed my stuff to leave.
As easy of a request that it was, I knew absolutely nothing about cooking a traditional Sokovian meal. But I knew of one person who did and instantly headed to Wanda's apartment next door to see if she was home.
With a quick knock, I waited patiently. I wasn't sure if she was even home since she hadn't visited Anna today and she usually did so if she was. When I was beginning to think she wasn't, I told myself I could Google a recipe and put something together, but then the door opened and revealed a tired-looking Wanda.
"Y/N," she said with surprise, but a friendly smile was on her lips nonetheless.
"Hey, I'm so sorry to disturb you this late, but I wanted to ask– wait, what happened to your face?" I stopped speaking and lost my own smile when I noticed the faint scratches and bruises dusting her skin.
"Oh, it's nothing–" she started, raising her hand, fingers wavering over her head, but I cut her off.
"Shit, Wanda, what happened?" I reached out, taking her hand in mine and studying the cast that was around her wrist. Concerned frown on my lips, I glanced up at her. "Are you okay?"
"It's fine, Y/N," she tried to reassure, but I couldn't help it as my worry got the better of me and I studied the cuts on her cheek. "I just came back from a mission. Minor injuries. Honestly."
I let go of her hand, realising I was still holding it, and nodded slightly. "Right..." Realising she must have been exhausted, I awkwardly stepped back and shook my head with realisation. "Sorry, I should go. I didn't mean to bot–"
"You were saying something," she interrupted, nodding encouragingly. "You wanted to ask me something. What is it?"
I paused, nodding. Admittedly, I was still worried about the bruises on her forehead. I knew she was an Avenger and this was probably the norm for her, but to me, it looked like she'd just got mugged. And the irregularity of that worried me.
"Yeah, I was saying," I finally found my words, trying to ignore the way her tired eyes peered at me hopefully. "It's Anna's birthday on Sunday and she wants to have a traditional Sokovian meal to celebrate. The only problem is, I don't know what that is." Wanda cracked a smile as I continued. "Do you, maybe, have a recipe I could use?"
"Of course," she said before motioning for me to follow her. "Come on in."
I followed after her, closing the door behind me, and stopped at the kitchen counter patiently. As she searched for a notebook in her drawer, I subtly glanced around, taking in the inside of Wanda's apartment. I'd never actually been in it before, but the minimal décor was very her. She didn't have many knickknacks and everything on display served a purpose.
"There's some recipes in here," she said, grabbing my attention. She slid the notebook across the counter and leaned forward with a smile. "Take your pick."
I flicked through it briefly, smiling at the notebook filled with recipes, all in Wanda's neat, cursive handwriting.
"Thank you," I said gratefully, looking up and catching her staring.
She perked up, clearing her throat as she nodded in response before looking the other way. Cute.
"Are you working on Sunday?" I asked with a raised brow, before rolling my eyes playfully. "What am I saying? Of course you're not. Not with that wrist."
She chuckled, still avoiding my eyes. "I'm not."
"Well, why don't you come over for her birthday? You can help me cook her a meal. Or rather, I can help you cook it since I'll probably screw it up."
Finally meeting my eyes, she smiled with amusement. "Are you sure?"
I gave her a knowing look, ignoring the butterflies swirling in my stomach as she held my gaze with her intense dark eyes. "Yes, I'm sure. Anna will love to celebrate with you. And..." I pursed my lips, taking a leap of faith and adding, "and I'd love it, too."
Wanda let out a quiet laugh. "You would, would you?"
I straightened up, smile widening. "Yeah, I would."
She tilted her head, studying me with a curious smile. "Well then, I clearly can't say no."
Something stirred in my chest the longer she watched me and I oddly liked it. It was obvious that Wanda was a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, but I guess I hadn't really acknowledged that I may have had feelings for her until now. And I didn't mind one bit.
"Great," I finally found my words, nodding slightly. "I'll see you Sunday."
She mirrored my expression, saying, "See you Sunday," and I knew I couldn't wait until then.
633 notes · View notes
ange1s · 3 years
Text
cherry emoji - mark lee
synopsis: in which mark asks to see your boobs, and the idea you had of your relationship is thrown up in the air.
wc: 3.6k
genre: this is so fluffy it hurts, some angst but nothing crazy
tw: suggestive themes (boobs), swearing
playlist: pluto projector by rex orange county, ivy by frank ocean, tapestry by bruno major
a/n: guess whos back ,, back again ,,, ange1s back ,,, tell a friend,,,, also this is unedited so i'm sorry if theres a mistake :')
my anon asks are open !! feel free to ask me anything or request something <3
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“i have a weird question.” mark says timidly. you’re sat on the floor, your back against his bed playing a rhythm game on your phone. he is sat at his desk, parallel to his bed, but with the rolling chair swivelled around to face you straight ahead. you don’t look up.
“hmm.” you hum, focused on the game.
mark swallows. “can i see your boobs?”
you drop your phone into your lap, forgetting about the game. you look up at him, straight into his eyes, and you giggle.
“wait, what?”
mark avoids your eyes almost fearfully, as if you were a detective questioning him for a crime. “can i see your boobs?” softer, this time.
you let out a shallow laugh. “don’t you watch porn? there are boobs there.”
mark blushes. “no! i mean, yes i do, but not real boobs.”
you cross your arms under your boobs on purpose, just to push them up a little higher to drive him nuts. mark sits back in his chair in frustration.
“so you think women aren’t real? that all boobs in porn are fake? jeez mark i thought you cared about women-“
“no! that’s not what i meant!” he says, exasperated. he continues to avoid eye contact with you. “of course i don’t think-“
you laugh again, keeling over. “relax mark, i know you don’t think all women are plastic.”
“look, there’s nothing wrong with being plastic, women can do whatever they-“ mark speaks quickly and nervously as if he were on trial.
“shut up minhyung,” you cut him off with a softer, more serious tone. “why do you want to see my boobs? you’re famous and cute. you could instantly find boobs wherever you go.”
he chuckles. “the word boob is so funny.”
“not the point, minhyung!”
he leans back over, the embarrassment slowly washing away. “stop calling me minhyung!”
“never, minhyung!” you retort without even thinking. you stand up to sit on his bed, now at eye level with him. “now, explain.”
“i… i dunno. i’ve just never seen boobs before. like, in person.”
you look directly at him, brain not even thinking anymore. words just fly out of your mouth with ease. “were you breastfed?”
“y/n!” he exclaims out of frustration. the embarrassment fizzles back in. he throws his head to the back of his chair and covers his eyes with his palm dramatically. he runs his hand down his face, tugging on the soft skin as it travels down. as his hand makes it back down to his lap, you giggle a little louder. “my mom’s boobs don’t fucking count. god, you made me think of my mom’s boobs. what the fuck?”
“sorry,” you manage in between giggles. “sorry, this is so funny.”
“this is impossible. i knew i shouldn’t have asked you.” mark pulls himself out of the chair and heads for the door, but you’re just as fast as him.
“now wait…” you grab his wrist to keep him from leaving. a wave of guilt washes over you. “i was just kidding.”
“were you? you didn’t sound like you were.” he says, his face still turned away from yours.
he sounds strangely hurt. “mark, are you okay?”
mark turns to face you and he looks defeated. he slumps down on the floor next to you, his knees up near his chest and his head in his hands.
“mark…”
“they were making fun of me.”
“who?”
“my friends! they were making fun of me. god, i sound like such an idiot now, whining about my friends like this, oh my god. i sound like a child.”
you rest your elbow on his shoulder giving your hand access to run through his soft, black hair. “you don’t sound like a child. you’re allowed to get upset.”
you take note at how the air shifted in the room. how quickly you focused and listened. you’re only like this around mark. with him, conversations can shift in an instant to anything. you understand each other on a deep, personal level. it’s something you don’t think you’ll ever have with another person for your entire life. maybe your soulmate. honestly? you can only dream to have this sort of connection with your soulmate, a connection so alive and so full of trust. is it even possible to have this with someone else? the fact that mark can make you think about how much he trusts you during a conversation about boobs is something only mark can make you feel. no one else. just him.
has it always been just him?
“it’s so stupid though. one minute lucas is bugging me about the fact that i’m a virgin and i’ve never seen boobs before and the next minute i’m on the floor of my bedroom with you, still not having seen any boobs mind you, nearly crying. damn. this is the lowest point i will ever reach.”
you push his hands away from his face and place your hands on his cheeks instead. “mark, please don’t cry. i hate it when you cry.”
the last time you saw mark cry was a month ago after watching a disney movie. seeing him cry just makes you cry, and since you were already crying, you just cried harder. seeing you cry makes him cry too, so he cried harder as well. the two of you just cried together until your heads hurt, to which you both took tylenols and tried to dance it off.
“i’m pathetic. insecure and pathetic.”
this is when you realize that there is more depth to his feelings than you thought.
“look, mark, i’ll show you my boobs. i trust you. i’m honestly surprised you haven’t seen them accidentally yet since i’ve known you for so long.” you chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. didn‘t work. “but i get the feeling that there’s more to this then just boobs.”
mark never really vented to you like this before. despite how close you are, he still kept things from you growing up, as a teenage boy does. you never took offense to this, as you kept plenty from him too. he never quite talked about his insecurities, his fears. he didn’t want to burden you with them. mark, so sweet and thoughtful. maybe too much for his own good. he needs to learn to share things.
he's starting to, though.
it takes him a while to speak, avoiding your eyes entirely. he speaks lowly, as if he was scared to tell the world what he was about to say.
“it’s just… everything about this sucks. everything. i’m kinda scared to tell you things, which can make us drift apart because we lose trust. then again, if i do tell you things, i’m scared it’ll freak you out and i’ll lose you. those are both bad endings. then, i’m scared to put myself out into the world. like, lucas is telling me to just find someone. go out, ask for a number, have a good time, live like someone in their 20s should be living. i can’t really do it though. every time i try, i choke. lucas once tried to set me up, you remember that, right?”
“yeah, that was the girl who stood you up.”
“yeah. it’s awful. every time i try it fails. i’ve been trying to get to the bottom of why it fails every single time but i just couldn’t. but then, i realized.” he shifts and faces you causing your hands to fall off his face and into your lap. “when i came home after being stood up, i wasn’t sad. i forgot the moment i left the restaurant. i texted lucas that the date didn’t happen and just shut my phone off and went to your place. i wasn’t sad because i knew i had you. i knew that you were going to make me feel better and that made it all go away.” he pauses. “you know? sometimes i get worried that i put too much on you. you’re my happiness, my relaxation, my joy. i worry sometimes that you’ll suffocate because i take so much from being with you. i keep this in the back of my head all the time because i just don’t want you to go. ever.”
holy shit.
“mark…”
“let me finish. i talked about this with lucas, and he told me that i can let myself be selfish sometimes. he said that i can want this that… that i can want you. i can think about you and how you make me happy and i can want that happiness yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and the day after. shit, i care about you more than anything. my heart swells and my stomach gets all these annoying little butterflies when i think of you. it’s fucking crazy. and now, today, here i am. you know, lucas, jaemin and i were talking about girls and boobs and fuck i don’t know, jaemin said that i just had to get that intimacy with someone. and it just fucking clicked. the only person i want to be intimate with is you and i’m thinking now that maybe i was stupid for asking to see your boobs. which is so stupid, i could’ve just asked to kiss you or share a bed with you or i don’t know. i’m really sorry if that was gross of me. i just wasn’t thinking. it’s so damn hard to think straight when it comes to you. i just really want to be closer to you, however that might be.”
your heart races at a speed that doctors would deem impossible. you don’t know what to think or where to look. you feel like you’re going to explode. though, if you explode, he’ll probably explode too. that wouldn’t be good.
mark looks down. he fills with regret. he doesn’t think he should've said that. maybe you'll hate him now. maybe you’ve never felt this way about him before.
you inhale slowly, trying to convince your lungs that breathing is normal and not something that can just stop when hearing speeches like this.
what is the proper thing to say? mark i love you? but do you love him? everything is so confusing right now. of course you love him, but you never considered love in this way. can i kiss you? too forward? but he wants intimacy, and you want it too. i feel the same way? boring. you can do better. mark, and his way with words. so beautiful. how do you compete? mark, you’re beautiful. mark is so beautiful. you try so hard to compose the words. maybe too hard. maybe it’s okay to go with option 3.
now, they just flow out. “mark… i think i feel the same way you do. i don’t know it’s just- i’ve always felt some sort of way toward you. something is so special about you. i spent years trying to decipher it, thinking it was just something platonic or brotherly or i dunno. i just never considered… this. i don’t even know what to call this. but it feels right. you’ve always felt right.”
he has. and he always will. he looks at you so lovingly, his enamoured gaze stuck on you. you can’t look up at him, but he watches you.
you continue. “fuck, i don’t know what to say. i’m so… god.” you run your fingers through your hair, as if to comb your brain in search for the right words. “i think you’re so beautiful. everything about you. and i’m so fucking grateful to have someone as amazing as you in my life. i don’t know what i did to deserve someone like you, and i feel like i really don’t deserve you. but it feels right. to be with you. to be alone with you. it’s just right.”
you let a little tear trickle down your cheek. you know if you look up at him, you’ll probably cry harder. you know this well, yet you look up.
“i don’t know what i did to deserve you either.” mark sighs. it’s his turn to wipe your tears now.
“so… what is this? what… are we?” you ask, melting into his hand, which somehow feels softer on your face.
“i don’t know. we can be whatever you want us to be.”
you playfully punch his shoulder, his hands sliding off your cheeks. “come on, you know i hate it when you say that.”
he gets defensive. “and you know i hate it when you hit me! you have a strong hand, yanno? shit!”
you laugh at him, clearing the last unwanted tear off your cheek with the pad of your thumb. “what can i say? gained strength from all those pillow fights over the years.”
“yeah, pillow fights i won.”
“shut up! you know i won the one at jeno’s party!”
mark laughs aloud. your favourite sound. “yeah, because everyone was drunk and you were still on your second drink. it was a very unevenly matched fight!”
“i still won!” you cross your arms and sit up straight as if you assert dominance over the conversation. who are you kidding? it’s all a joke anyways.
you crack after a moment and both of you erupt in a fit of giggles. his head falls into the crook of your neck, and it feels right. it’s almost as if your skin buzzed. you don’t know why, he’s done this many times before. but now, it’s different. the air has shifted again, so quickly. only with mark.
when he comes off of your neck, you stand up. you walk up to the door of his room, and lock it.
“y/n, what-“
you sit on his bed. “can’t have someone walk in while you’re ogling at my boobs, right? i know you and you’d never be able to live that down.”
mark is quick to stand up in defence. “what? no, we don’t have to do that anymore. i said my piece and im over the boob thing and-“
“shut up mark. you know you want to. and i kinda wanna show you too.”
he sits down on the bed across from you without another word but before either of you can move, he speaks again. “wait, kinda? please don’t feel obligated. only do this if you’re-“
“minhyung, please! i want to, ok? i really appreciate how you’re taking care of me but it’s fine. i trust you, and you trust me, right?”
he swallows hard. “right.”
“okay, perfect.” you pull your shirt off over your head, leaving you in your bra. if this was with any other boy, you’d be self conscious about literally everything: the bra you chose, the shape of your body, the hair in the places you let grow out. with mark, none of it matters now. he’s seen you in bathing suits before, this isn’t much different. and knowing how much he cares for you anyways, you know his head is clouded with praise and nothing less. his brain is working so fast right now, he probably won’t even register any imperfections.
“can i take your bra off?” mark sputters out as if he were holding onto the words for hours. “or wait, fuck-“
“yes, you can.”
he is almost shocked at your answer, and it shows. mark’s hands move slowly, his skin slightly cold as he grazes your skin. he leans in unbelievably close to wrap his arms around you to reach your back. he feels your breath on his chin, and your beautiful eyes look so sweet as you look up at him. when he finds the clasp, he kisses your nose as he pulls away, your bra coming back with him. you straighten your arms so the straps fall right off, showing your boobs.
mark is shocked. flabbergasted, even. his jaw almost drops in a shameless, teenaged boy way.
“dang. they’re so cute.”
you scoff. “cute? first boobs of your life and all you have to say is cute?”
“well what else can i say? i am not very well versed in the vast vocabulary that exists to describe your boobs.” he chuckles. “jeez, why is the word boob so fucking funny?”
you can’t help but smile timidly alongside him. that is what mark does, he makes you feel safe no matter what the situation. mark is always worried about you, worried if you are feeling comfortable and if you are okay with what is going on. he never wants things to be tense when you are around, because he hates to see you upset.
right now, you are the opposite of upset.
“y/n,” he brings your attention back to him. you hum in response. “can i touch?”
you freeze for a moment, and nod timidly. mark scoots a little bit closer, and reaches out with his right hand to gently cup your left breast. his hand is warm, and your skin needs a second to adjust to his temperature. he squeezes the flesh in the absolute slightest way, and quickly brings his hand back. he laughs almost exasperated.
“oh my god, it’s squishy? boobs are squishy?! why did that never register in my head?” he laughs loudly, as if he had just discovered something monumental.
“you’re just finding out now? oh my god mark, that’s common knowledge!”
mark looks down, his cheeks red from laughing. “dang, i’m so touch starved that i never knew until now that boobs are squishy. insanity.”
“the more you bring it up, the sadder it gets.” you reply.
he looks up at you with scrunched eyebrows. “don’t be mean. can i touch again?”
“yes, you can.”
mark cups your left boob with his right hand again, this time running his thumb softly over the supple skin. he doesn’t know what his limits are yet. can he go further? can he touch other parts of your boobs? can he touch other parts of your body? he is scared of going too fast and scaring you. mark is doing his very best today to be as careful as possible, as this is probably, remarkably, the best day of his life so far.
he pushes his index finger into your boob gently to poke it, and you laugh softly. at this point, you are just looking down at mark’s hand on your body. honestly, the fact that he isn’t doing anything is almost relaxing.
you look at how slowly his finger moves, like your skin is made up of the most delicate material in the world. he holds you with such care, such control. it is a feeling you want to feel again, and again, and again.
mark inhales slowly. he wants to go further. he wants more. he doesn’t know how you feel yet, but he will wait for you every step of the way.
but just as he opens his mouth, he hears a thud on his door. “mark hyung, we’re home! is y/n here? come eat with us!”
you both jump, as jaemin’s loud voice destroys the entire atmosphere. mark turns a cute shade of pink almost immediately, and takes his hand off of your skin. you are surprised at first, but lose all tension as you watch mark’s reaction. the poor boy is so embarrassed, but even more upset at how shortly your time was cut off. you laugh as he grabs your bra and tries to put it back on you. unfortunately, he cannot figure out how to close the back shut.
“i’m here! we’ll be there in a sec.” you shout, sparing mark from saying something stupid. you clip your bra straps together, and pull your shirt back on.
mark looks upset. “i’m so sorry they cut us off. they were supposed to be out all day, fuck. i’m sorry-”
“mark, baby, it’s okay. you didn’t know. besides, this isn’t ending here.”
mark looks up at you. “baby?”
“oh gosh, i don’t know where that came from. i’m sorry.”
“no no, its cute. i like it. baby. it just…”
“makes sense?”
he nods. “yeah. this makes sense. it really does.”
mark’s heart pounds in his chest as he takes your hands in his. today, they feel softer, warmer. he inhales sharply once again, hoping this time jaemin doesn’t break his door down, or something of the sort.
his thumb does the thing again, rubbing your skin gently. “y/n, i don’t want to be friends anymore. i think we are more than friends.”
you smile. “i do too. this makes sense.”
mark feels like he is going to explode. that would be bad though, because if he exploded, you would too. that wouldn’t be good for anyone.
“so i guess you’re my girlfriend now.”
you giggle softly. “that sounds so much better than best friend.”
“dang, it kinda does, doesn’t it?”
you let go of his hands and climb off his bed. he follows instantly after you do. right before you go to unlock the door, mark takes your hand once again, and turns you to face him.
you heart races as you lock eyes with him. you cannot believe everything that happened today. how your best friend, who you’d known for your whole life, confessed everything he felt for you, and poked your boobs mere minutes after. and that’s okay, because that’s mark. your mark.
“do we have to go down? i really want to see your boobs again.”
you lean over and place a kiss on his cheek, which causes him to lose his train of thought completely. “you’ll see them again soon, i promise. but if we don’t go down, jaemin will come upstairs and try opening your door. you know him, he’ll freak out when he sees that it’s locked. we’d get found out before we even have a chance to start.”
mark sighs. “fine. no more boobs today. guess i’ll just have to suffer without your boobs in my hands. shit, how am i going to survive?”
you unlock the door, and twist the handle. “well baby, i guess you’ll have to figure it out.”
249 notes · View notes
tossawary · 3 years
Note
I'm sorry this feels real weird, but I love PINTWILF a lot, and the fact that you really expanded on SQH's role and everything. And I really loved that you added the other unnamed peaks and melded them in, everything that you wrote about the peaks actually really fleshed them out and their roles. So what did you name the three other peaks, and what are their roles? I think I only really understand that Xi Jiao is an animal/beast peak?
It’s not weird! I’m quite pleased with the sect logistics I’ve been writing in PINTWILF (from a humor angle, not a realism angle) and so I’m happy to talk about it. This is the order of peaks I’ve been using in PINTWILF: 
(1) Qiong Ding Peak - Peak Lord: Yue Qingyuan (Canon) 
Apparently they’re responsible for general affairs. I’ve always assumed they’re also responsible for dealing with other sects and politics, outside of peak-specific specialties where another peak lord has the authority to represent the sect. 
(2) Qing Jing Peak - Peak Lord: Shen Qingqiu (Canon) 
Peak of scholars and strategists. I assumed from there that they would also be responsible for a lot of library and archive-related duties, and that they would have some talisman and seal experts, etc., and that QJ and QD would be closely tied in many matters. 
(3) Wan Jian Peak - Peak Lord: Wei Qingwei (Canon) 
Peak of sword masters. I assumed that this meant both martial weapon specialists and sword smiths. I also assumed that this could be expanded to many kinds of metal work. Where WJ and AD meet is probably where a lot of non-weapon-related fabrication happens. 
(4) An Ding Peak - Peak Lord: Shang Qinghua (Canon, minus #?)
I’ve seen people put An Ding anywhere from 4th to 12th. I’m not sure that An Ding has a canonical number. I prefer An Ding being 4th because of 1) how closely Qiong Ding and An Ding’s work would be tied and the importance of logistics, but 2) mainly how funny I think it is if SQH is only three murders away from being the sect leader. 
SQH: “Wei Qingwei, you cannot die. The chances of Shen Qingqiu and Yue Qingyuan offing each other is too high for you to die on me. YOU’RE MY LAST LINE OF DEFENSE. DON’T MAKE ME BE SECT LEADER.” 
(5) Xian Shu Peak - Peak Lord: Qi Qingqi (Canon)
It’s unclear what specialties XS has, probably because it only existed in PIDW as the “hot lady peak” (and MXTX never actually expanded it post-transmigration). It’s never come up, but I kind of dig the idea of XS doing some textiles work, anything from weaving fine fabrics to rope-making. (Who makes stuff like Immortal Binding Cables? It could be Xian Shu.) 
(6) Xi Jiao Peak - Peak Lord: Tang Qingling (Non-Canon) 
Yes, this is an animal/beast peak, because I’ve seen it brought up in a few fics, and I thought it would be funny for SY to be entranced by the idea, only for SQH to go, “Bro, I hope you have the stomach for blood and literal shit, because that’s where they butcher monsters for parts and collect crap for fertilizer.” 
I also like the idea of Cang Qiong Mountain Sect having actual pipelines based on the specialties, which make it a very profitable and efficient sect. (Also, where are they getting their food? Do they have livestock? Do they buy it all from the surrounding towns and cities? Xi Jiao is me deciding that, yes, they have livestock.) Liu Qingge brings in a monster, it goes to Xi Jiao, then the parts go out again to Wan Jian, Qian Cao, Zui Xian, and others. to become armor, medicine, potions, etc.. Or maybe just to An Ding to sell. 
(7) Bai Zhan Peak - Peak Lord: Liu Qingge (Canon) 
They make people who fight good. 
(8) Qian Cao Peak - Peak Lord: Mu Qingfang (Canon) 
Trains healers and makes medicine. I assumed that they would grow as many of their own plants as they could and do a lot of plant breeding. Medicine could also be a great source of income for the sect (another reason why QC is one of Shang Qinghua’s favorite peaks). 
(9) Ku Xing Peak - Peak Lord: Wang Qingjie (Canon, minus # and peak lord) 
The peak name is canon, but I can’t remember if they have a canonical number and they don’t have a canonical peak lord. They’re all all-male peak with an ascetic lifestyle, living akin to monks. 
I think I decided that they specialized in talismans and the creation of other spiritual tools, including and as well as ceramics. So, they work closely with many of the other peaks, but especially An Ding in supplying other peaks. I can’t remember why I decided this. I think maybe I decided that Ku Xing might have a philosophy that “to create purifying objects, the maker must also be free from impurities”? Hence the ascetic lifestyle. 
I also thought it would be funny if Ku Xing and Qing Jing had a little bit of a rivalry going on. Shen Qingqiu makes very good talismans and Wang Qingjie is NOT angry about it (in the way of someone trying not to be angry). 
(10) Zui Xian Peak - Peak Lord: Zhang Qingyan (Canon, minus # and peak lord) 
Again, the peak name is canon, but I can’t remember if they have a canonical number and they don’t have a canonical peak lord. This is the peak that apparently specializes in alcohol. 
So, I decided that they might as well be responsible for brewing other potions and solutions. Maybe they have people who specialize in alchemy. Qian Cao and Wan Jian and Xi Jiao (and nearly every other peak) probably do their own brewing of certain things, but it probably helps to have someone else dedicated to brewing on a large scale. Qian Cao grows the plants for a common medicine, then ships them to Zui Xian for mass-production, and the An Ding takes the result and sells it to all the nearby towns and cities. 
Zui Xian probably saves and makes Cang Qiong so much money. 
(11) Long Sheng Peak - Peak Lord: ??? (Non-Canon) 
This is a newer invention and I haven’t come up with a peak lord yet, but they’re named after “The Dragon’s Backbone” and they specialize in plants and agriculture. This is my “this is how the sect gets fed” peak, alongside Xi Jiao. 
Maybe they don’t grow all the sect’s food themselves, but they support and work with the surrounding towns and cities to make sure that the local harvests survive all of PIDW’s horrible plants and monsters. Sometimes you need cultivators who can tell you why this year’s harvest is haunted and what to do about it! Maybe Airplane invented the equivalent of magical locust swarms and didn’t think twice about it, so someone has to deal with that! Maybe they grow the materials for Xian Shu’s textiles work! 
They work closely with Xi Jiao, Qian Cao, Zui Xian, and An Ding. 
(12) ??? 
I haven’t actually named the last peak. I haven’t really seen a need to invent one yet and it’s kind of been a in-joke with myself. It’s fun to imagine people being like, “Cang Qiong has twelve peaks, right? What’s that last one called again? I can never remember what that last peak is called.” 
Notes: 
I imagine that most of the peaks’ specialties overlap in one way or another. An Ding, Zui Xian, Qian Cao, and Long Sheng each do some agricultural stuff, but Qian Cao and Long Sheng (especially LS) do most of it. And so on. 
Cang Qiong Mountain Sect also doesn’t have to do everything in-house. Shang Qinghua also has to make orders from other sects and merchants for stuff that Cang Qiong either can’t make or don’t have the space/time to make. I just like the idea that CQ is so powerful partly because they’re so independent. 
If I keep the details loose, I can get a lot of fun humor out of it. 
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six-sanctuary · 3 years
Text
Homecoming (Will Miller x Reader)
Author’s note: I’ve never written a fic before but was HEAVILY inspired by all the amazing content @lucrezia-thoughts and @charnelhouse generate (Super hope that's okay!) and wanted to try my hand at it and contribute to Triple Frontier Fr-saturday. (I know I'm a day late whoops)
Also I suck at proofreading I’m so sorry for any errors and hope someone enjoys this. Lowkey proud of myself for not being obnoxiously shy and just saving this to my desktop somewhere for eternity.
Anyways here we go no more rambling this is the fic. If I still dig it later on I might write some more in this lil universe either with Will/Reader or throw in some Benny/reader. Maybe even Santiago/reader if I can get his voice right.
Below the cut is 18+ only please and thanks!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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You’d always been there, and you always would. It was the sort of realization that crept up slowly on Will. Looking back he wishes he could count the times he counted on you. He wishes he could put it into something concrete like numbers, something that he could wrap his head around, but you were there even before the numbers.
You were there before he was shipped off to war, before he had to learn to count as he breathed, in… two… three… four… five… hold… two… three… four… five…. out… two… three… four… five…. You were there before he broke and crumbled, falling into a million little pieces he didn’t know how to put back together again.
He wished he knew the number of warm smiles you’d given him. He wished he knew what number it took for him to fall in love, whether it was the hundredth or hundredth thousandth soft smile. All he knows now is that so much time was wasted, and he didn’t want to lose a second more.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You’d moved to Colorado a few months ago. It had always been part of the plan but that timeline got moved up when Will’s parents announced they were selling the house in favor of something smaller now that they were empty nesters. For a solid week, Will hummed and hawed about it, flip flopping back and forth. The thought of giving up something that was so integral to his childhood, something that had always meant home for him, was hard.
After weeks of his thinly veiled discontent, you came to a solution. After one of his talks, you sat him down in the dining room table of your apartment together and laid out the documents one by one. Rather than explain right away, you let Will take them all in, grabbing each one and skimming it before moving on to the next piece of paper.
“This is…. To buy the house?” Will’s thumbs smoothed over the paper as if in need of a reminder that they were real, that this was real. “My parent’s place?” His voice was thick with emotion, which never failed to bring it out of you. Rather than answer in words and risk your voice failing you, you nodded.
From there it was a lot of packing, a lot of hard work, but with the Delta Force boys help you two managed to get everything packed up in a hauler, ready to make the trek halfway across the country. The thought of being holed up in the car for hours on end with Benny made you the slightest bit nervous. The younger Miller was a bundle of energy and while you appreciated that most of the time, you were wary about being stuck in cramped quarters with the lightning bolt of a man. In the end the cars were split with you and Santiago taking Will’s Ford and Will and Benny driving the Uhaul.
You had a week of the gang’s help, well the gang minus Frankie. He had to head back a few days early to his wife and daughter. The others stayed, even Tom, though he was quick to point out several “serious”problems with the house that you’d need to look into. Despite that, it already felt like home. Sure it needed your and Will’s touch on the place, and a number of things had gone into disrepair as the Millers got older. At some point it had become too much for them, but it was the perfect project for a newlywed couple.
Not once did you regret it. Not when you were lugging heavy boxes up the stairs nor when you learned the roof needed to be replaced. No, each problem was taken in stride because you knew with Will by your side, you’d get through it. There was nothing the two of you could not conquer.
Soon the novelty of the new house wore off and with Benny back at his apartment down the street and Santiago and Frankie back home, you and Will fell into a quiet domesticity. You lived in pieces, your life wrapped up in boxes while you made repairs to the house.
Will, though he meant well, was not as handy as he claimed to be. After the shower incident that required a late-night call to an emergency plumber, your big Delta Force husband was relegated to the simpler tasks, or the ones that required his muscle. If a dresser had to be moved, he was your man, rolling up his sleeves and making it look easy. The same went for anything that required reaching high places (the uppermost cabinets in the kitchen were a real bitch). In the end, Will ended up spending more time turning the side yard into a garden while you turned this old house into your home.
After a month, Will had to go back to work. He’d been requested to give a speech in D.C., back to the other side of the country. As much as you wanted him to stay, you knew that this was important to him. You knew how much it mattered to him to feel useful, to feel good about what he did and so with a kiss to the cheek, you promised him that you’d have the kitchen cabinets all painted by the time he came back.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Classic rock was softly playing out of the radio you had set up on the counter. Painting was boring work, even more so all by yourself. The radio made you feel less alone and so you hummed along as you worked. Stroke after stroke of paint was rolled onto the cabinets, breathing new life into the space. It was really mindless work and so your thoughts wandered as you painted. You thought about the home, what other projects you had in mind. If you finished the cabinets quickly enough you wanted to tackle the downstairs bathroom too before Will got back.
He'd called every night but it wasn’t the same as him being here. If you were lucky, you got him on FaceTime and got to see his face light up when you appeared on his screen. Even with the small image of him on your phone he was so handsome, golden and bright. You’d called him your Apollo once, god of the sun, and he’d found that funny. Ben was picking him up from the airport tomorrow and driving him home and then you’d have your sun again.
The opening of the front door snapped you out of your thoughts, your head whipping around. “Honey?” His gruff voice was unmistakable to you. Without a second thought your paintbrush was set down, dripping slightly off the drop cloth though that was a problem for later. Your feet carried you to him, flinging yourself into his arms when you saw him standing there in the foyer. “I thought you were coming back tomorrow.” You nuzzled into his neck, breathing in the smell of him as his arms wrapped tightly around your waist. “We finished early and I wanted to surprise you.” It was definitely a surprise.
His hand moved from the small of your back to your chin, gently lifting it to place a soft kiss on your lips. “I missed you,” you breathed before stealing another. “I know.” He always knew. He knew every time he left you would miss him and he would miss you. You’d play this game and then he’d come home and reclaim you. One kiss turned into two, which then turned into three and four. Your hands moved to his short blonde hair, moving to the back of his neck to pull him closer, ever closer.
Leaving his bags at the door, you two tangled, desperate for contact, desperate for two to become one again. He picked you up, something you’d normally protest as your feet worked just fine, but instead you let him carry you up the stairs, deeper into your home, to your bedroom.
With a playful grin he tossed you onto the bed, nearly chuckling at the way you almost bounced. His amusement only lasted a moment before lust and his need to have you took over. He descended on you on the bed, lips crashing into yours for a heated kiss as his tongue grazed against your lower lip. He was everywhere at once, overwhelming all of your senses as his name repeated over and over in your head like a mantra.
Will… Will… Will…
His large hands held your wrists above your head, somehow managing the dichotomy of being gentle but firm, while his lips retraced every curve of your skin. Every time he came back the routine was the same. Will wanted, no needed to learn you again, to cover every soft spot that made you sigh to ensure you were the same as when he had left. He needed to know and so he kissed you, his trimmed beard tickling as he slowly made his way down your body earning soft moans along the way.
He only left your wrists when he got to your legs, separating them and placing one over his shoulder as you laid back on the bed. There he paused, looking down at you so bare and exposed and wet beneath him. It was hard not to move under his gaze. “God you’re so beautiful.” You felt heat rise in your cheeks as you whined out his name. He placed a less-than-chaste kiss on your inner thigh before moving closer, breathing in your heady scent. Licking your folds, he let his tongue circle your clit, smirking at the sounds leaving your lips.
He knew your body like the back of his hand and it took no time at all for him to bring you to that peak of pleasure. Closer and closer, more and more you felt your body respond to him, your hips rolling up against his tongue, hands fisting in the sheets or his hair whichever was closer. “C’mon baby,” he coaxed, slipping a finger into your slick heat, curling it to stroke the soft spot that made you cry out and shudder around him.
“That’s one.”
And you knew your husband would follow through with another. He collected your orgasms like some collected baseball cards, counting each and every one. No night ended with just one, leaving you spent exhausted and so satisfied at the end.
Wiping the wetness from his face, he kneeled next to you, watching as your breathing rate came back down, waiting for the sign that he could have you again. As you blinked the haze away, his hands trailed up and down your side, drawing absent patterns against your soft skin. The look in his eyes of restrained hunger made your mouth go momentarily dry, reigniting the flames of passion within you. Propping yourself up on one elbow, you used your other hand to reach for him, pulling him over you.
It was all the encouragement he needed. After tossing his shirt away, his calloused hands move to your thigh, hiking it up over his hip. You had only a moment to take in the sight of him, the well-toned muscle, the scar on the left side of his stomach, before you two crashed together once more. Your hips ground against the hard bulge in his pants, leaving a dark patch in the denim. You needed more, more friction, more him.
He pulled away only long enough to unbutton his pants, kick off his boots and rid himself of the rest of his clothing. Standing at the edge of the bed, he stroked his impressive length a few times as he admired your naked form. Then the wait was too long and crawled over you, lining himself up and so agonizingly slowly pushing himself into you. You tried to be still but it seemed your body had something else in mind as your legs wrapped around his waist pulling him ever closer.
“Someone’s eager,” he breathed, both of you knowing full well that neither of you had the patience to wait much longer. Pressing his lips firmly against yours, he moved, hips snapping into you at a quick pace, his size stretching you in ways no one else ever could. Your body molded to fit around him, your leg wrapping around him once more in an effort to guide him ever deeper. He bottomed out in you before pulling out and pressing into you again and again and again. Each motion put stars behind your eyes, the fireworks building to another crescendo.
You felt him get closer, the rhythm of his hips losing itself as he continued to thrust into you, hips stuttering as the pleasure overwhelmed. “One more honey, I know you have one more.” His low throaty growl in your ear was enough to push you over the brink, your hands clamoring for purchase on his back and shoulders as you cried out once more. Your core clenched down on him and it took only a few more hurried thrusts before you felt his hot seed shooting into you as he let out a low grunt.
His forehead rested against yours as he remained where he was, not wanting to pull out of you just yet. A thin sheen of sweat covered the both of your bodies and despite that you didn’t think either of you were finished quite yet. You had a full week of time apart to make up for. Will pulled his head back from your forehead to give you another soft kiss, this one lacking the passion and lust but more than making up for that with the love and affection he poured into it. “It’s good to be home.”
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ssa-steverogers · 3 years
Text
𝙩𝙬𝙤 𝙜𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙩𝙨
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pairing ╏ aaron hotchner x female!reader
word count ╏ 2.4k
summary ╏ a couple years have passed, and aaron and reader begin to question their status; inspired by two ghosts by harry styles
warnings ╏ none (?) please tell me if i missed anything x
note ╏ guys. i haven't written fanfics for like three years!1!!1!1! so i apologize in advance for any mistakes and grammar errors! i do hope you enjoy though! and also for the sake of the fic, jack and haley don't exist sorry guys lol and the ending is kind of bonk bonk but leave a like, comment, or reblog if you want! <3
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I couldn’t pick up the phone. I sat back on the chair in the apartment we bought a couple years ago. But it tasted bittersweet just thinking about it; something I was supposed to cherish but couldn’t. The two plates of food on the table were now dull. What was once smoking and bled with heat was now encrusted in a dry film; unappetizing.
The phone continued to ring. Once. Twice. A pause. Once. Twice. Three times. But after the eleventh call, I figured he stopped. Aaron had forgotten his key that morning. It's almost humorous how he could tell the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath in his sleep but forgot the simplest things like our house key. And our fifth anniversary.
Earlier today, I had asked Aaron to go home early. But even after five years of marriage, eight of living together, and ten of dating, he couldn’t seem to care less of my whereabouts lately. Distracted, distant, and rigid.
“Hotch,” I swung into his dimly lit office earlier that day, “I'm going to be headed home early tonight. I-“
“Alright, see you at home,” Aaron continued writing his paperwork and took half a second to glance up at me. It’s unclear if he meant to cut me off or not but it didn’t matter because it would’ve hurt either way. Distant, I thought. A quick look at his office and nothing would’ve seemed different but I thought I saw more clutter than usual.
“Okay, well... I’ll see you tonight. Don’t be late!” I tried to look past it, for now. I blew a kiss his way and he looked up to smile at me briefly. The smile reached his eyes but I couldn't tell if it was genuine. His pen didn’t stop writing. Distracted, I thought. “Bye, I love you,” I breathed out and quickly shut the door, walking out to gather my stuff. I didn’t wait for his reply; unsure if he even had one. I wondered what he’d say. And if it’d hurt more than what his words didn’t say.
Looking at my watch on the way to my desk, it was half past four and it was clear to say that no one was done with paperwork yet.
“Where are you going?” Spencer questions, catching Emily’s attention. She looks up from her pile of work as well.
“Well, things to do and places to be,” I smiled at the two, putting my tablet into my bag. I grabbed my gun from my drawer and put it to my holster. Emily smiled knowingly. She knew it was me and Aaron’s fifth anniversary. Emily even helped pick out the perfect outfit for tonight’s homemade dinner. She also knew about Aaron’s behavior lately. We both thought of it and we discussed every scenario except the worst one yet. He wouldn’t do that to me, I would think to myself, not after what Haley did to him. It was the unspoken what if that I wasn't ready to swallow yet.
Emily and Spencer waved me goodbye and she wished me good luck, along with a smile that was poisoned in pity. I was almost entirely sure it wasn’t on purpose but I wasn’t sure of anything at that point. I walked out the door, into the elevator, and it felt so repetitive. The same elevator every day, the same building every day, living the same life every single day. I’d casually mention to Aaron how the repetition felt like a lot sometimes over paperwork in our office at home and he’d hum quietly. Maybe in agreement. We both loved our job. The same thing every time; but we were saving lives. Maybe it was the effect of his changed behavior. Maybe he felt it because he thought my behavior changed as well.
The same thing every time; coming home separately, even though we used to come back together. We were drifting and although it wasn’t the first time, we always resolved it. Things happen and we’d come out stronger and I had never had a doubt. Sometimes the job was hard and I was there for him, and he was there for me but it was different this time. He'd come home late and I'd be asleep by the time he got back. Then, I started to do paperwork at the local coffee shop and he’d be sitting in our office, waiting for me to get back.
No words would be exchanged once we were together for the night. Maybe a ‘hey’ or ‘how was your day?’ and then a simple ‘good.’ We’d both change our clothes and get into the bed. We were getting further and further away every night in bed. Too exhausted to think of words for this odd place we were in. Sometimes he'd hug me and take a deep breath and I'd release a breath I didn't know I was holding. Something was just not working this time. Trust your gut, Aaron used to say to me when I first joined the BAU. My gut told me that this couldn’t keep on going at the rate this seemed to be deteriorating.
All these moments led to right now. The phone rings beside me as Aaron waits outside in the drizzling rain at eight o’clock, without the key that he forgot this morning. I unlocked my phone to read the messages exchanged earlier tonight.
today 7:40
y/n: hey aaron are you still at the office?
love: Yes, is there something going on?
y/n: aaron
love: Yes?
y/n: oh you forgot, didn’t you?
love: Forgot?
y/n: aaron, it’s our anniversary?
read 7:46
I purse my lips and wonder if he still loves me. Of course, he does, my mind wanders, would he have been with you for ten years if he didn’t? I chuckle sadly. The food on the table now cold, the outfit Emily and I chose doesn’t seem so perfect anymore. The candles on the tables nearly half melted. The dining room looked eerie now, sitting by myself on a Thursday night with two uneaten plates of food with candles nearly burnt out.
That’s when I hear him knocking on the door gently.
“Y/N? Please let me in. I didn't forget, I just,” Aaron’s sigh is muffled by the door but I hear it clear as day when I get out of my seat and walk up to the door. I think he hears me walking to the front and continues. “I was distracted. Something isn’t right between us right now and we should talk about it. I’m sorry, Y/N, please let me in so we can talk.” I sigh in defeat and unlock the door, slowly. The door opens and his hair is flat from the rain, briefcase tucked under his arm with his phone in the other hand. But his posture isn’t as upright as it usually is – he probably knows he fucked up. I wonder if he’s been profiling me from my texts, or my current body language even though we promised we wouldn’t do that to each other.
He walks through the threshold of this house but his eyes don’t waver from mine as he sets his stuff down and puts his gun away in the drawer. A glimmer of his keys reflects the light in the drawer. It’s almost funny, how he remembers his gun but not his keys even though they were in the exact same place. It makes me wonder about the integrity of our situation and if he had left the keys on purpose.
I walk to the dining table with the food I made and turn away from Aaron. I’m not sure about what to say. I've obviously been avoiding this conversation for quite some time and even after all this procrastination; I still don’t even know what to say. I hear Aaron's footsteps from behind me and I wait to see if he has anything to say. After I'm sure that he doesn’t, I begin.
“Aaron,” I turn around to face him. I smile grimly, feeling tears prickle at the back of my eyes and it hurts to swallow, “What the hell happened to us?” Aaron stands there, arms crossed and a hand on his chin. Crossing arms suggests closing yourself off and is a gesture of defensiveness. “What happened to our Thursday night dates? Aaron- I don’t- I mean,” I struggle to complete a sentence when millions of thoughts are racing through my head, “I know you’re not happy. Sure, maybe everyone thinks that you don’t show a lot of emotion but I know you and you have a tell for specific things. When was the last time we really talked about how we felt about us? C’mon, Aaron, who are we bullshitting? We weren’t communicating and you know that it’s one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship.”
“Why are you using past tense?” Aaron asks and he’s doing the face he only gives to people he thinks are suspicious.
“What are you talking about? And why are you giving me that face?” I pause and Aaron tries to cut in but I get to it first. I make a face and pull my eyebrows together. “Are you profiling me right now?”
Aaron looks taken aback at my comment. “Are you?” Oh. When I don’t say anything he continues, “You’re using past tense when you mention our… marriage and relationship. If you have anything you want to say you should say it now. There really isn’t a better time,” His voice grows cold on me, the same way he does to unsubs we interrogate. I don’t think the ice in his tone is intentional but he probably can’t help it. He’s right though, should I confirm my suspicions? I don’t want to hear his answer to my question in fear that it might be the wrong one. But he is right, this conversation is long overdue.
“Are you cheating on me?” I breathe out at once. “Are you?” The tears are getting harder and harder to hold back and time seems to move slower by the second.
“Y/N, what? No, I'm not! Why would you think that? I could never do that to you. You know about Haley and how she cheated! And you think I'd do that to you?”
“You were just distant lately and-“
“Distant?” He pauses, I know he wouldn’t interrupt me if not necessary so I let him go on, “Y/N, so are you. I didn't think you were cheating. I thought you needed time and that I needed mine. I had thought about what you had said a couple weeks ago about how repetitive life felt.” I nodded at his words. “You’re not the only one who thinks that.” A pang of guilt radiates in my chest, because I think we both know how this was going to end.
“Okay,” I say.
“Okay?”
“Okay.” I walk a little closer to him and cradle his face in my hands. He rubs circles on my wrists, caressing me and I do the same to his face. Tears are spilling from my eyes, down my cheeks, “Aaron Hotchner, I love you more than anything in this whole entire fucking world. I know you love me and that I love you but you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met in my life and we both know what’s coming. It’s been unspoken for too long, I know that. But whatever happens, you have to know that I love you. We had our good days,” I look around to see picture frames on the walls of our relationship in earlier stages. Smiling, dancing, laughing. I remember each and every one of the pictures and thinking that this would be the man I would love for the rest of my days. “And we had bad days. There will never come a day that I forget all the wonderful things that we had. I’m using past tense now because I think-“
“I think you’re right,” Aaron quietly cuts me off. “We’re not the people we used to be. We’ve changed but we can’t grow like this. I love you too, more than words will ever be able to encompass but maybe we’re feeling stuck, not bored or repetitive.” I want to say something for the hell of being a couple for probably the last moments but I don’t want to stray far from the truth. Aaron’s eyebrows turn downwards a bit and his eyes are glimmering with tears. He envelopes my body in his and leaves a quiet kiss on my hairline.
I take a deep breath of air, trying to savor this moment for the rest of my life. My face is wet from tears and they won’t stop falling. I hiccup from the crying in his grasp so he plays with my hair fondly and almost inaudibly hums to me.
“Will we be okay? I mean,” A hiccup, or three. “I don’t want either of us to leave the BAU because of this but also will we be okay? In terms of feelings and… well, more feelings.”
“Of course,” Aaron begins. “I don’t love you any less but we both agree that things will be better this way. We just... go back to how it used to be before you asked me to a drink for the first time,” I can feel his small grin as he leans against my head. Being reminded of that day hurts now, but it has for a while anyway. I wonder if I hadn’t asked him to that drink one night after a local case, if we’d be where we are now. But I know everything here was nothing less than fate itself and that I probably shouldn’t dwell on what if’s.
And so after some moments of silence for something that would soon be gone, we stand underneath the dim lights of the dining room. Aaron holds me against his chest as we look at the candles on the table. They’re both burnt out. There’s no light there anymore. The candle has melted onto the chamberstick, leaving long trails of wax.
I hold him a little tighter and he does the same to me. I don’t know what the future holds but our two halves have drifted too far to come back together and that’s okay. I know things will be weird for a while but it’ll be okay.
“It’ll be okay,” I whisper under my breath. For the sake of us, we'd leave it here. Once upon a time, we were younger and more naive, better for each other then. But we're older now and we're stuck. Just two ghosts standing in the place of him and me.
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