#play the same scene you’ve played for the past 48 hours

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

.

#Ok so #my mental health hasn’t been stellar lately #I think a lot of the stresses of the last couple weeks are catching up to me #but u know what #I’m making progress #bc now #instead of panicking Bc my violent intrusive thoughts are coming back #like I was yesterday #I nicknamed them edgelord. Insulted them when they showed up. And now I’m p ambivalent to them #oh Look it’s edgelord what are you gonna do #play the same scene you’ve played for the past 48 hours? #oh noooooo however will I cope #you’re exactly as scary as a corn chip #Ok maybe as scary as a wasabi pea #unpleasant. Don’t wanna eat one. Dreading the experience #but when I eat it I can handle the heat and come out fine #and the pain fades quickly #thank u Lord for this progress

[lokiondisneyplus]

Loki director Kate Herron’s heart was beating fast. She’d already had some surreal experiences during her short time in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, so a simple phone call shouldn’t make her nervous. But on the other end of the line was Owen Wilson, an actor and writer she admired and hoped would join her on a time-jumping journey through the MCU.

“It was the most detailed pitch I’ve ever done, to an actor, ever. I pretty much spoke through the entire first episode with him,” Herron recalls of wooing Wilson, who wasn’t too familiar with Marvel before being cast as Mobius, an agent for the mysterious Time Variance Authority central to the series.

Wilson instantly put Herron at ease with his laid-back charm as she walked the actor through 10 years of onscreen lore for Loki, the god of mischief played by Tom Hiddleston. She answered his questions about Avengers: Endgame, about time travel, about how this version of Loki was not the one fans knew from films like Thor: Ragnarok, but rather one plucked from an alternate timeline from 2012’s The Avengers.

It was all part of a whirlwind few years for Herron, who not that long ago was temping at a fire extinguisher company and struggling to land directing work even though she’d already helmed a BBC project with Idris Elba. Then Herron finally achieved breakthrough success directing episodes of the Netflix hit Sex Education and soon was hounding her agents for a Marvel meeting.

When Herron finally landed one, the Loki superfan cleared her schedule and spent two weeks putting together a 60-page document, even though her agents tempered her expectations by noting it was just a meet-and-greet.

“I knew I’d be up against some really big directors, and I knew I wouldn’t be the most experienced in the room, so I [said], ‘OK. I’ll just be the most passionate,'” recalls Herron.

Just a few days after officially landing the job, Herron found herself on a five-hour walk through New York with Hiddleston discussing Loki and flying to D23 in Anaheim to be greeted by thousands of screaming fans alongside Loki head writer Michael Waldron.

Herron is now working long days finishing up Loki in Marvel’s production hub in Atlanta, where the British filmmaker has largely lived since getting the job in 2019. Over Zoom from her freezing Atlanta apartment (she still hasn’t figured out the quirks of the air conditioner), Herron dives into Loki ahead of its June 9 debut on Disney+.

What was your process of sitting down with Marvel for this?

I was just so overexcited. [My agents] were like, “Look, it’s just a casual conversation, they just want to get a sense of you,” and basically I was like, “OK, I’m just going to pitch them.” Because I thought, they might not meet me again. So I got as much information as I could, and they sent me a little bit about the show. And I just prepared a massive pitch for it. I canceled everything for two weeks. I made a 60-page document full of references, story ideas, music. I knew I’d be up against some really big directors, and I knew I wouldn’t be the most experienced in the room, so I [said], “OK. I’ll just be the most passionate.”

Was that first meeting in Burbank?

That was in England, in southeast London on Zoom. I had a few stages where I did that. Then after a few interviews with Kevin Wright and Stephen Broussard, two of the Marvel executives who got me ready for the big match, I went in to pitch to Kevin Feige, Victoria [Alonso], Lou [Louis D’Esposito], the whole team there. That was very surreal because they flew me to Burbank and I pitched at Marvel Studios. I didn’t have the job, but I found out they were interested and then I remember Kevin Feige called me, and when he was in London, we had coffee. He was like, “Look, we want you to direct it.” Oh my God. They flew me to D23 and that was crazy because I think I found out I got the job 48 hours before, and then I was onstage. The Lady and the Tramp dogs were in front of me and Michael [Waldron] on the red carpet. “What is going on?” (Laughs.) I met Tom that week as well, so it was a bit of a whirlwind kind of thing.

📷Herron, Waldron and Feige at D23 in 2019.

Where did you first meet Tom?

I had a two-stop trip. I flew first to New York to meet Tom. He was in Betrayal at the time, on Broadway, so we basically went on this amazing walk around New York. I’d never met him before. We just spoke about Loki and what was really important to us about the character and where we thought it would be fun to take him, as well. It was this intense, five-hour conversation with him basically. I met him and then flew straight from meeting him to D23. So it was a lot. (Laughs.)

When did you finally get the scripts? How did that change your thoughts on what you want to do?

They sent me the outline, so I knew the overall story. I also was pitching stuff. “Oh, we could do this with this character.” The pilot was really well written by Michael and I really liked what they were doing with the character and the story. Then it was building upon that and throwing in ideas for where he could go later in the show. It reminded me a bit of improv where you’re always building, always trying to push the story to the best place. So we were always adapting and shifting the story. Our lockdown, during COVID, was a chance for us to go back in. I was cutting what we’d done, so I was like, “OK, this is tonally what is really working for the story.” Then we went back into what we hadn’t filmed and started adapting that stuff to fit more where we were heading.

The Marvel movies have a writer on set to help tweak things. Was that the case with Loki?

Michael [Waldron] was with us at the start, and then he went on to Doctor Strange [in the Multiverse of Madness]. We had a really wonderful writer called Eric Martin from our writers room, and he was our production writer on set. It was between me, him and my creative producer Kevin Wright. We would kind of brainstorm and adapt. I’ve always loved talking to the cast. We had such a smart cast. Owen is a writer as well. If you have that amazing resource, why not talk to them? We were always adapting. Obviously paying respect to the story we wanted to tell from the start, but always trying to make it better.

📷Herron on the set of ‘Loki’ with Hiddleston and Wilson.

Kevin Feige has said Owen Wilson, like his character, is nonplussed by the MCU. Since Owen isn’t necessarily dazzled by Marvel, does that make him all the more perfect for this role?

He is playing a Loki expert, so at the beginning of production, Tom and I were talking. He devised this thing called Loki School. He did a big lecture to the cast and crew. I love the character. This is a decade of fans loving this character and where that character has been. It was talking everyone through that, but through Tom and his own experiences. Stunts that Tom liked or costumes. He ended up doing that same Loki school for Owen. Owen absolutely loved it. Owen has such a writer’s brain. I remember I had to pitch him down the phone. My heart rate [was up].

Was this the pitch to get him to get Owen on board?

Yeah. I love his work. “Oh my God, I’m going to talk to Owen Wilson.” He’s so laid back and nice, it immediately puts you at ease. It was the most detailed pitch I’ve ever done, to an actor, ever. I think I pretty much spoke through the entire first episode with him. You can tell he’s a writer, just by the way he attacks story. His questions about the world and the structure and the arc of the character. It was really fun to work with him.

Was it the most detailed pitch you’ve ever done because you really wanted Owen, or because you knew you needed to woo him a bit to get him to sign on?

It was the questions he asked, and the way he attacked story, in that sense. And also probably because he was newer to the Marvel world, he was like, “OK, how does this work?” I also pitched him Loki’s arc over the past 10 years, where that character has gone, but also explaining our Loki and what happened in Endgame and time travel. There’s a lot to unpack in that conversation.

Sometimes Marvel will give writers or directors a supercut of all the scenes of a specific character. Did you get one of those?

They didn’t actually give me a supercut, but I’m a big Loki nerd. I think his is one of the best [arcs] in the MCU. I really wanted to make sure we were paying respect to that. At the same time, something Tom spoke about a lot was you have to go back for a reason. Let’s be united on what that reason is and feel that it’s worth it.

The reason can’t be, “Well that’s what happened in Endgame,” so the question becomes, “What is the point of revisiting him at this era of his life?”

Yeah. He’s only had — I don’t want to get this wrong — I think 112 minutes of screen time in total if you cut all his scenes together. And he steals the show. We have six hours to really delve into this character and talk about him and go on this completely new story with him. For me, it was making sure that [we’re] paying respect to what has come before — I know as a fan if there is a character I really loved and I found out they are making a show about him, I obviously would be so excited and so happy. I felt lucky to have the responsibility, and I took it very seriously.

Those who have worked with Kevin Feige say he’s someone who can stress test an idea and push things in new directions. What have you found working with him?

Something I always found was we would sometimes pitch something, and it would be at a good place, but he’d always be like, “OK, that’s great, but push it further.” Sometimes I’d pitch stuff and be like, “This is too weird,” and he’d say, “No, go weirder.” He wants to tell the best story and I found it really helpful having his eye across everything and the fact that he does challenge everything. Tom as well, on set. He brings this amazing energy and this great A-game that causes everyone to rise to the occasion.

How do you know when you’ve got the perfect Hiddleston take? Is he asking you for one more, are you pushing him to do one more take?

By the end, it was almost telepathic. We would kind of know. We would look at each other. “We could go again,” or, “We’ve got it.” It’s different with every actor. There are some actors who will come in firing and they just want to go for it. But they don’t want to do a million takes. There are other actors I work with who are very meticulous and they want quite a few to warm up and get into it. It’s actor-dependent. The way me and Tom are similar is we are both very perfectionist. We are both very studious. (Laughs.) We definitely connected in that sense. He’s a very generous actor. I remember one day, we had quite a few of our actors coming in as day players. It was really important for him to be there for them, to read lines offscreen. He would have to be 50 places at once, because he is the lead actor. The most amazing thing about him was his generosity. Not just to the other actors, but also to the crew, to be filming in a time like COVID.

When you make an Avengers movie, you get a big board with every character that’s available, and whether the actor’s deals will allow them to appear or if that would need to be renegotiated. Loki is smaller, but was there any equivalent for you? Was everything on the table? Was only some stuff on the table? I imagine if Chris Hemsworth has his own new Thor movie coming up, he’s not going to be on the table, necessarily.

I felt like everything was on the table if it meant it was good for story, and Marvel would be like, “We’ll work it out.” Me and the writers, we never felt restrained in that sense. Honestly, it always comes back to story.

What is your relationship with your editor as you finish this up?

We have three editors, Paul Zucker, Emma McCleave and Calum Ross. My relationship with all three of them is very different. Emma and me are very close because she was also in Atlanta away from home. I got to know her very well. I love working with the editors because it’s a fresh pair of eyes. You get so deep into something when you are filming, it’s almost like writing it again when you are in the edit. Stuff does change. Even some episodes, we’ve reordered the structure. Or we moved scenes from one episode to another episode. I’ve always loved the editing process. The best thing is someone honest who can be like, “Hey, this doesn’t quite make sense to me,” or, “This isn’t working.”

What are you going to do on premiere day? Will you be on the internet at all to see the reaction?

I’m actually working. I’m still finishing the show. My last day is the day the second episode airs. I’m going to be working that day. Sadly, I’ll probably check in on the internet a little bit, but I’ll probably go to bed when I finish because I think I’ll do a 12- or 13-hour day or something. I can’t remember. I’m really excited for people to see it and just to bring it out in the world, really.

Everyone wants to know about spoilers, but what’s something you wish you were asked about more when it comes to Loki?

Kevin Feige said, “We make movies. We want to run it like a movie.” So unlike a lot of television shows that are showrunner-led, this was run like a six-hour film. As a director, you don’t often get to do that in a television-structure show. I really enjoyed it, having a hand in story and just how collaborative it was. Also, just beyond that, directing the equivalent of a six-hour Marvel movie was incredible for me. That’s something I found interesting about it. Making something the Marvel way.

In terms of the themes, I love gray areas. The show is really about what makes someone truly good or what makes someone truly bad, and are we either of those things? Loki is in that gray area. It’s exciting to be able to tell a story like that. As a director and a writer, you don’t necessarily understand why you are making these stories. Something I keep getting drawn back into is identity. Sex Education, we spoke a lot about identity and feeling like an outsider but actually finding your people. I feel the same with Loki. It’s a show about identity and self-acceptance and for me, that’s also what drew me in.

Gray is a good way to describe Loki. Your version of Loki just tried to take over the Earth not long ago.

Exactly. This isn’t the Loki we’ve seen. How do we take a character that people love, but from a lot earlier, and send him on a different path? That for me was interesting, getting to unpack that. Alongside that, getting to set up a whole new corner of the MCU with TVA. That to me was so exciting.

What about the Teletubbies? You referenced that recently and it made quite a splash. Are you going to leave people in suspense on that?

I referenced the Teletubbies once and people were like, “What, Teletubbies? What does this mean?” Maybe I should leave people in the air with it. One thing I would say is the show for me, stylistically — I wanted it to be a love letter to sci-fi because I love sci-fi. Brazil, Metropolis, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Alien. If people love sci-fi, they will definitely see the little nods we’ve got across the show.  People will know what it was a reference for when they see the show. It was a visual reference to something in the show.

Interview has been edited for length and clarity. Loki debuts on Disney+ on June 9.

#Kate Herron #Loki #interview #loki series

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Fire & Desire (Ethan x MC)

Warning: NSFW, 18+

Summary: After the funeral, Naomi heads to Ethan’s apartment for comfort. Let’s pretend that 30 diamond scene in chapter 12 didn’t happen, okay? I made up 95% of this.

A/N: Guys, I have an embarrassing amount of rewrites/drafts of this on my computer. Pls enjoy.

~v~

In order to survive the past few days, Naomi has made it her mission to get through things one step at a time. Her first goal was to survive the toxin. She did. Then it was to just get well and be discharged from the hospital. The last step was to make it through Danny and Bobby’s joint memorial service in one piece. Not only did she do that, but she delivered a eulogy flawlessly, while her friends and colleagues all fell apart at the seams and waited for her to do the same.

But now that it’s all over, now that there’s no goal to work towards especially since Naveen won’t let her back in the hospital without clearance from a therapist, Naomi has never felt more lost or out of sorts in her life.

After the memorial, Naomi went home with her roommates and she regrets it. Jackie and Elijah can barely look at her without giving her pity glances, Sienna has been trying to feed her nonstop, and Aurora has convinced them all that she’s spiraling due to her meltdown at Ethan earlier that day. So she hid in her bedroom, pretending to be asleep simply because she was tired of them.

But sleep evades her. Outside of a quick 15 minute power nap, Naomi hasn’t been able to sleep, thoughts of being back in that hospital room never too far from her mind. Every time she closed her eyes, the fear took over, gripping her and refusing to let go.

So that’s how she ended up here, in Ethan’s apartment, on his couch, nursing a glass of scotch. Being at home wasn’t an option and there’s no one else she’d rather be with, so as soon as her roommates went to bed, Naomi slipped out and made her way across town to Ethan’s place. Ethan was shocked when he found her outside of his apartment at midnight, especially with the way their last conversation ended. He wanted to scold her for taking an Uber so late at night by herself, but of course he didn’t turn her away. 

“Are you hungry?” Ethan asks, opening and closing his refrigerator a few times, as if that will make food magically appear. “I didn’t cook today, but I can probably throw something together.”

Naomi doesn’t know if her appetite still hasn’t returned or if it’s her mind playing tricks on her, as she can still taste the vomit in her mouth at the mere mention of food. “No, I’m fine for now.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Okay.” Ethan wants to ask questions because she’s obviously come here for a reason, but he doesn’t want to push her. “It’s late and you must be exhausted though.” He walks back to his living room and holds out a hand, which Naomi grabs. He ushers her to his bedroom. “You can sleep in here.”

His room still looks like she remembers. The king sized bed takes up most of the space, and he still has the most amazing view in all of Boston. The night is still young and bustling, the buildings all lit up.

“You’re sleeping in here too, right?” Naomi asks.

“I was going to take the guest room, or the couch.”

Naomi shakes her head. “Nonsense, you’re sleeping with me.”

Even though there’s no light other than moonlight spilling into the room, Naomi can still see his cheeks tinge pink. “I didn’t want to assume.”

“I think after our night together in the hospital, assuming will be safe. It’s cute, but we’re grown and you won’t offend my virtue.”

“Noted.” Naomi watches him as he moves around the room, a sort of anxious energy radiating off of him. He rummages through a drawer until he finds something suitable for her to put on. “Here you go.”

It’s a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt from a charity 5k because of course Ethan is the type to participate in something like that. Naomi rids herself of the jeans and sweater she haphazardly threw on in her rush to leave her apartment and slips on the t-shirt, forgoing the pants. Their obvious size differences make the shirt look comically large on her like a nightgown.

“Fair warning, I don’t have a scrunchie or anything to wrap my hair in, so I apologize if you wake up to like...a lion’s mane of hair in your face.”

“I think I’ll survive.”

Naomi pulls back the covers and slides into the bed, moaning upon contact. Oh, to be rich and have fancy high thread-count sheets and a memory foam mattress. “God, I never want to leave this bed.”

“Keep making noises like that, and I won’t let you.” He doesn’t climb bed behind her, opting to sit on the edge. “You want to talk?”

“About what?”

“The fact that you’re here right now, instead of your own apartment.”

“Is it not enough to say I wanted to see you?”

Ethan scoffs. Naomi is charming, but she can’t bullshit him. “Sure.”

She doesn’t want to talk about herself. That’s all she’s done for the past 48 hours, and she’s tired of it. It’s selfish.

She manages to turn the tables on Ethan. “You look tired. I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t,” Ethan assures her. “I wasn’t sleeping anyway.”

“I didn’t have you pegged as an insomniac.”

“We’re doctors, so it goes without saying that we’re all insomniacs.” Ethan sighs. “But to be honest, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep all week.”

“I get it. With the toxin, and Bobby and Danny, and Raf–”

“It’s not them, Naomi, it’s you,” Ethan argues. “I spend all 24 hours of the day with you on my brain, worrying about you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I thought you were going to die in my arms,” Ethan continues. “I tried to stay optimistic for you, but all I could think about was the fact that it could’ve been my last night with you. That night, after you finally fell asleep, I stayed up, analyzing your vitals. The only time I wasn’t looking at you is when I was looking at your chart. And every night since, I lay awake, forcing myself to not contact you.”

Naomi frowns. She’s spent so much time wrapped up in her own head, she didn’t take much time to think about how Ethan was affected as well. She’s sure she’d be a wreck if the situation was reversed, if he was the one fighting an unknown deadly agent. 

She crawls out the sheets and joins Ethan at the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even think–”

“Don’t you dare apologize to me. You’ve been going through enough, I shouldn’t even be burdening you.”

“It’s fine. We shared deathbed confessions, I think I can handle whatever else you throw my way.”

Ethan turns to lock eyes with Naomi, her expression open and earnest. “I meant everything I said in there. I regret putting us on hold, and I’m sorry I wasted so much time.”

Naomi sucks in a deep breath. “Okay. So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I’m done pretending that I don’t have feelings for you. I’m done trying to hold you at arm’s length. I want you, Naomi.”

“Are you feeling like this because I almost died?”

“No. I mean, sure it was a major wake-up call for me, but I’ve felt this way for a long time. The last time you were here, the night of the softball game, I kissed you, and instead of making my intentions known then and there, I put it off, and that almost cost me everything. I don’t have all the answers, because I’m your boss, and people at hospitals like to gossip, but whatever this is, I want to explore it with you.” 

Naomi doesn’t say anything, her brain and heart trying to process all of this information. Ethan watches her, his heart pounding wildly. Did he seriously miscalculate her feelings for him? Did he pick the most inopportune moment to drop this on her?

“It took you long enough,” Naomi says.

He laughs, his relief evident and he grabs her hand. “Well I appreciate you having the patience of a saint, Rookie.”

“It’s because I am a saint.”

He runs his thumb along the inside of her wrist, tracing a pattern into the warm skin. The steady thump of her pulse is enough to soothe the anxiety that lingers. She’s here. She’s with him. She’s alive.

His other hand grips the back of her neck, forcing her to look him in the eye. Ethan’s gaze sweeps across her face, his 11 years as a doctor having given him a keen eye for detail. There’s her long, dark eyelashes, her full lips, her pronounced cheekbones, her button nose that crinkles whenever she’s smiling and laughing, a sight he hopes to see again soon. He doesn’t know what emotion is more overwhelming: the relief that she’s alive, or the fear that she was that close to dying.

Ethan is all too aware of the fact that he could’ve lost her. That he and Naomi would never share a quiet moment like this ever again. That she’d never know the full extent of his feelings for her, because he’d been too much of a coward to be honest a long time ago. The thought of the hypothetical makes his insides twist uncomfortably. He can’t dwell on it, not while she’s here, looking to him for comfort.

Without thinking further, his lips slowly collide with hers, pulling the younger woman into a kiss. She wastes no time, kissing him back with an unrivaled fervor that borders on desperation, but Ethan isn’t one to complain. He deepens the kiss, his tongue sweeping her mouth until he finds her own.

The kiss sparks something inside of Naomi, a buzz building in the pit of her stomach, so potent and all consuming, it nearly startled her. For the first time in what feels like forever, the rest of the world fades away. It’s just her and Ethan, and this magical little flame between them. So she clings to it, to him, to them, and swings one of her legs over, straddling him. One arm wraps around the back of his neck, one hand tangles in the hair at the nape of his neck as she pulls herself closer. He tastes smoky like the scotch they drank earlier, and she swears the kiss alone is enough to leave her intoxicated.

Desperate for any sort of friction, Naomi rolls her hips into his. She can feel him hardening beneath her, his erection straining through the thin layers of fabric preventing them from being completely bare with each other. Unable to help himself, Ethan breaks the kiss only to let out a low, “Fuck.”

He needs to stop this. Logically, Ethan knows that putting a kibosh in this is the right thing to do. Naomi came to him because she needs a support system, and the last thing he wants to do is take advantage of her trust and manipulate her grief.

“Naomi, stop,” Ethan gently commands, hands gripping her hips in order to keep her still.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“We don’t have to do this tonight,” Ethan says. “Let’s just go to bed.”

“But I don’t want to go to bed.”

“But you should.”

“No. I want this, I want you.”

Her lips are on his jaw, kissing and biting, and it’s becoming harder for him to stay focused. “You’ve had a very long day, it’s been emotionally draining, and I’m sure you’re exhausted–”

“Oh my God, stop!” Naomi exclaims. “I don’t need another person explaining to me what I’m going through or what I’m feeling. Trust me, no one is more aware of my shitty life than I am.” She leans forward resting her forehead against his. “I get it, I’m the one who barely survived an assassination attempt, and I’m going to walk around with that for the rest of my life. For tonight, can I just be a normal girl who wants to fuck her boyfriend, or whatever the hell you are to me? Please?”

Despite the circumstances, his cock twitches almost painfully as soon as the word “boyfriend” leaves her mouth. He’s a grown ass man, he hasn’t used the term since high school, and here he is, ready to dissolve into a puddle of goo. What the hell has Naomi Valentine done to him and who is this mess of a man that she’s replaced him with?

Whatever she’s trying to do won’t work. Pushing aside her grief and trying to avoid the problem with sex isn’t a coping mechanism he’d ever recommend (not that he has any brilliant ones of his own, but still). It’s not going to fix anything in the long run. 

Naomi’s lips brush against his before giving him another teasing kiss before pulling away. “Please,” she whines. “I want you, Ethan.” Ethan has always considered himself to be a staunch man who isn’t easily swayed. Until he met Naomi. How can he be when she’s looking at him with those big doe eyes of hers, weakening his otherwise tough resolve? It may not help her tomorrow, but who is he to deny her reprieve at least right now? Saying no to her has never been a strength Ethan claimed to possess.

Not giving any sort of warning, Ethan grips the oversized shirt she’s wearing and forcefully pulls it up, barely giving her enough time to lift her arms and help with the process. Once the piece of clothing is discarded somewhere on his bedroom floor, Ethan flips their positions, Naomi’s back landing on his mattress with a soft thud.

He sucks in a sharp breath. Ethan considers himself to be a well traveled, well cultured man. He’s seen the Eiffel Tower multiple times, visited the Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, driven a Ferrari through the streets of Rome, drank wine while overlooking a Napa vineyard, and more. But none of those even comes close to the sight of Naomi naked in his bed, writhing on top of his sheets, her curly hair splayed out like a crown atop her head. She’s absolutely beautiful, and he’s a goner. He’s always known it, but this moment right here, right now actually seals the deal.

“Why don’t you take a picture?” Naomi asks, jolting Ethan out of his thoughts. He feels her dainty foot running along the soft cotton of his pajama pants before traveling higher, lightly brushing his side.

He catches her foot, his strong hand wrapping around her ankle, and yanks her forward. “I don’t need to take a picture because the real thing is just fine.” Maintaining eye contact, Ethan presses a line of kisses from her ankle to the inside of her knee, smirking as he feels the goosebumps pop up along the trail he’s set. “God, it really doesn’t take much to get you going, huh?”

“Not when it involves you, no,” Naomi replies.

Ethan drops her leg unceremoniously. His hands wander until they’re hooked into the waistband of her lacy underwear, and he pulls them down quickly, deciding not to make a production of it. A hum of approval leaves his throat when he finds her already soaked for him. He runs a finger along her spreading the wetness around before pressing the single digit into her. “I like that answer.”

Her toes curl at the contact and Naomi grips the sheets beneath her. “Oh, fuck.”

“Christ, you’re tight.”

“It’s been a while,” Naomi admits, panting heavily. “The guy I was into ran off to another continent, and put us on ice.”

Ethan can tell by her tone that she’s merely teasing, but his heart still hammers wildly nonetheless. He wasted so much time, and for what? He slides another finger into her, enjoying the moan she gives him in return. “It appears I have some atoning to do, hmm?”

Naomi nods. “A lot of atoning.”

“Very well.” 

She feels him remove his fingers, and nothing makes her head spin more. Lifting herself up by her elbows, Naomi glares down at Ethan. “What are you doing? You can’t just stop!”

“Relax.” Ethan forces Naomi back to her originally flat position. “I think you know better than anyone that I’m going to take good care of you.” She chooses not to respond, because they both know the answer to that is a resounding yes.

He spreads her thighs and Naomi shivers at the gleam in his eyes, positively engraved by the way he looks at her: all lust and hunger. Desperate for Ethan to actually do something, she tilts her hips up, hoping he’ll get the hint.

Ethan chuckles and places an open mouthed kiss on the inside of her thigh. She swears she can feel herself buzzing with anticipation, her insides on fire, and all she wants him to do is just touch her.

When he finally does, she’s shocked she doesn’t combust then and there. Her head tips back and a low groan tumbles from her lips, and her thighs clamp shut so tightly around Ethan’s head, she’d be apologetic if she wasn’t so far gone. Ethan doesn’t skip a beat though, his fingers digging into her thighs and spreading them apart, and then he’s back to his original mission.

Ethan’s tongue glides through her folds with ease, stroking her up and down a few times before closing his mouth around her clit and sucking hard. Her hips fly off the bed and she grinds into him with a reckless abandon she hasn’t felt in a really long time, but Ethan splays a strong hand across her stomach to hold her down, trapping her between him and his bed.

Trying to gain a modicum of power back, Naomi grips a handful of his hair and tugs at it roughly. It’s an action that makes Ethan growl, his mouth vibrating against her.

Her little moans and cries do nothing to help the raging ego Naomi claims he has, instead they only fuel him further. He ups the ante, his two fingers sliding back into her, curling in a come hither motion and pressing repeatedly against the spot that makes her see stars.

He can tell by the vice grip she has on his fingers and the way she’s undulating against him that she’s close. And while he’s content to draw this out for as long as humanly possible, until he’s wrung every little ounce of pleasure from her that he can, Ethan is well aware that the woman occupying his bed doesn’t have that type of patience.

Giving her a bit of reprieve, he takes his mouth off of her, only moving it slightly so he can kiss the soft flesh of her inner thigh.

“God, Ethan.”

“Say my name again, Rookie,” Ethan commands. “I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”

Naomi obeys without as much as a second thought. It doesn’t take much to get her to say his name again, the word coming out as a shout in between a broken cry. Ethan smirks, satisfied with his work, and his tongue finds her clit, stroking the tiny bundle a few more times until her orgasm zips through her with the intensity of a lightning strike. Her entire body tenses up as Ethan continues to lap at her, as she rides out the aftershocks.

When she’s finally in control of her senses again, the first thing Naomi notices is how absolutely wrecked Ethan looks, eyes red and glossy, mouth and beard soaked, and she wants to do nothing more than kiss him. So she does, grabbing the back of his head and pulling him back on top of her. She can taste herself on his mouth and it makes her moan.

Impatient, Naomi reaches between their bodies and tugs at the waistband of his pants. Ethan receives the message loud and clear, and he breaks the kiss to strip as quickly as he can. She watches as Ethan flings his shirt across the room and kicks off his pajama bottoms. He isn’t the only one with above average observation skills, and she notices the slight tremble in his hands, the anticipation as intense for him as it is for her. She’d be lying if she said reducing this great and powerful man to nothing more than a shaky mess isn’t a turn on. Once his boxers are gone, Naomi looks him up and down, every part of him still as she remembered.

Her eyes zero in on his erection, painfully hard. She wraps her hand around him, stroking firmly. “My my, doctor, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you like me.”

The other four letter L-word rattles around in his brain, begging to be set free, and with more strength than he thought he had, Ethan manages to keep quiet. He’d never forgive himself for such selfishness if he blurted out he loves her in the middle of sex. Naomi has enough to deal with already without that added layer of complexity.

Ethan’s thoughts are interrupted, a sharp hiss passing through his teeth as he feels her tongue languidly glide across the swollen head of his erection before taking him fully in her mouth.

He doesn’t know what will kill him first: how good it feels, or the fact that she’s staring up at him with those fucking Disney princess eyes again, feigning innocence like she’s unaware of exactly what she does to him.

He allows her to get in one more stroke of her tongue before he grabs a fistful of her hair and pulls her away. One of her eyebrows raises in question. “What’s wrong? I was just getting started.”

He drags them back into bed before answering, “I need to be inside you. You can do whatever you want to me afterwards.”

She grins at the promise of a next time. Whatever she wants? “Don’t threaten me with a good time, Ramsey.”

“It’s not a threat, it’s a promise,” Ethan assures her. 

Naomi feels him, poised at her entrance and she arches backwards, too overly sensitive. Ethan’s hands are back on her hips, holding her in place, and inch by inch, he fills her. They both groan at the sensation, familiar territory but something new entirely. Her hands fly to his back, nails digging into the skin as she’s stretched to maximum capacity, uncaring if she leaves marks.

Ethan is unsure of how long they’ve been like this, but he’s nearly shaking with the restraint it’s taking him to not thrust into her. He drops his head, kissing a line across her collarbone. “Fuck, baby, I need you to let me know when I can move.”

The pet name wasn’t intentional, spilling from Ethan’s lips before he could stop it, but Naomi whimpers regardless. She hooks her legs behind his back, keeping him just as trapped as she is. “Please.”

He moves slowly, partially to give her a chance to adjust to his size, the other reason because he doesn’t want it to be over as quickly as it started. This, being inside of her again, is overwhelming and Ethan can’t believe there was ever a time he thought he could go without.

“You’re incredible,” Ethan compliments.

“Okay, say it again when I’m not in your bed. Like during a team meeting where you’re shooting down my ideas.”

“You are,” Ethan insists.

He thrusts into her again, and Naomi cries out, nails raking at his back. Surely she’s broken skin at this point, but Ethan doesn’t care. He’s never been one for pain in bed, but with Naomi, he’s willing to make an allowance, especially since it leaves way for pleasure. They move in tandem, hips moving against each other, both trying to coax out the release that’s been building. Unable to do much of anything else, Ethan leans forward, kissing Naomi again. She meets him halfway, just as eager as he is.

Eventually she has to break the kiss, and she gasps in a large breath of air, her lungs constricting tightly in her rib cage. In her distracted moment, Ethan manages to free himself of her hands marking him relentlessly, and he captures both of her wrists in one fell swoop. He holds them above her head in one hand, pressing her as deep into the mattress as possible. The new angle catches her by surprise and she can’t do anything but gasp into the air above her.

“Please.” She doesn’t even know what she’s pleading for at this point, but it’s the only word her brain can comprehend so she chants it repeatedly like a prayer until she’s shattering around him, mouth open, head tipped back, skin flush and warm. She’s perfect like this, Ethan surmises. 

It doesn’t take him more than a few more thrusts before Ethan’s own release takes control and he falls forward, leaning some of his weight onto Naomi. He doesn’t trust himself to not say or do something completely stupid, so he buries his face in the crook of her neck, biting down on the sensitive flesh.

It could’ve been mere minutes that they spent in that position, or it could’ve been hours for all Naomi knows, but when Ethan finally pulls out, he’s kissing her all over: her cheeks, her nose, her forehead.

He wraps her in a solid embrace, arms circling around her and holding her close, their erratic heart rates trying to slow down. Ethan feels at peace doing just this, holding her close to him, feeling the rise and fall of her chest.

Do you feel any better?”

That isn’t a question Naomi expects to hear right after sex, and it causes her to pause.  After a few more moments of silence, she answers, “I mean, the endorphin release was great if that’s what you’re asking.”

“It’s not what I’m asking, and you know it.”

Naomi knew going into it that the sex wasn’t going to soothe all of her hurts and be the magical solution to her problems, so she doesn’t need some major “I-told-you-so” moment from him. But for the first time in almost a week, she feels like herself again. Within the confines of these four walls, Ethan didn’t treat her like some fragile little doll, and her mind was able to take a break from overthinking.

“It was nice to turn my brain off, if only for a short time,” Naomi replies. “It was nice to not be a captive to my trauma.”

Ethan’s fingers gently graze her scalp, massaging. “Do you think you’re ready to talk to me now?”

“No.”

She’s as stubborn as ever. “Fair enough. But if we were to talk about it, I would say that you went through something horrible and traumatic, and you have to allow yourself to actually feel and process whatever emotions you have. I’d also say that you are incredibly strong, but your strength doesn’t mean that you have to bottle everything inside in order to make everyone around you feel better, especially when you’re with me. Strong people have the right to be vulnerable too.” Ethan sighs. “But since we aren’t talking about it, I’m not going to say any of those things.”

Naomi curls in closer to Ethan, comforted by his body warmth. “I think I would really enjoy hearing those things if this was a conversation we were having.”

“Good. Now whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be prepared.”

“Thank you.”

“I think it’s what good boyfriends do. Or whatever the hell I am to you. That’s what you said, right?”

“Okay, I have an explanation for getting agitated about the technical definition of our relationship.”

“Oh yeah? I’d love to hear it.”

“I was impatient and horny.”

Ethan laughs, the warm and rich sound curling around her insides. It does more to help than she’ll ever be able to convey to him. “You’re also very honest.”

“To a fault at times, yes.”

A silence settled between them again, and Naomi feels her eyelids getting heavier. Maybe she’ll be able to finally get some real sleep, not the fitful unconsciousness she’s been subjected to for the past few days.

“Thank you for indulging me tonight,” Naomi says. 

He’s going to suggest she talk to a therapist. He’s going to say it multiple times, until he’s blue in the face and she’s tired of listening. But he'll leave her alone for tonight.

“You’re welcome. Now, get some sleep. The sooner you get to bed, the sooner we wake up, and I can cook breakfast for you.”

“Mhmm, sounds like a plan, Ramsey.”

Ethan can feel her falling asleep on him. He presses a kiss into her forehead. “Naomi?”

“Hmm?”

“For the record, I am definitely your boyfriend.”

~v~

tags: @maurine07 @aka-calliope @edgiestwinter @soft-for-drake @greenbean-kylie @akshara16 @mrsramseyy @honeyandsunfl0wers @blossomanarchy @takemyopenheart @fanmantrashcan @whatchique @ao719 @x-kyne-x @colourmeshy @paulfwesley @writinghereandthere @ramseyandrys @perriewinklenerdie @aworldoffandoms @thatcatlady0716 @drakewalker04 @canknot @hatescapsicum @lapisreviewsstuff @senseofduties @badchoicesposts @ethandaddyramsey @chasingrobbie @zodiacsign1 @choices-lurker @trappedinfandoms @my-heart-beats-for-ya @adrian-motherfucking-raines @riverrune @edith-eggs1 @thatysn @bellcat2010 @theeccentricbibliophile @cecilecontrera @junehiratas @choices-love-affair @openheart12 @caseyvalentineramsey @desmaranj @nazario-sayeed @aestheticartsx @ruinedbypixels @mvalentine @nooruleman @rookie-ramsey

#open heart #open heart 2 #ethan ramsey #dr. ethan ramsey #ethan x mc #ns*fw #ns/fw

[lesbianmaxevans]

ok not to dampen the fun but now that I’ve had 48+ hours to be in my feelings over odess and fanson, we gotta talk about the handling of gil.

under a cut bc length.

ok, so first I feel I should preface this by disclosing that I’m a white woman. mistakes are my own and I welcome any corrections, as I can really only speak from my knowledge on racial stereotypes and from what I’ve learned from listening to poc.

(also I’m not gonna really talk about the fact that the writers likely made gil look worse to prop ace up, but I’ve seen others mention that sentiment and I’m inclined to agree.)

so, s2 has made it clear that the writers wanted to be conscious of race. we had an episode dedicated to BLM, george and nick discussed the difficulties of being an interracial couple, and we even had nick dealing with that racist tenant. the writers obviously understand the importance of combating stereotypes by creating well developed complex characters of color and actually discussing these topics in an easily digestible way that doesn’t feel “A Very Special Episode”-esque. which is why it’s so disappointing that gil was not given the same treatment (and amanda, who was given equally as clumsy writing, but I’m focusing on gil for the purposes of this post).

so, when we meet gil, he’s introduced as a thief. willing to die before he helped the crew and he’s concerned about his sister when he realizes she’s not on the bus with all of them. the next time we see him, he’s stolen the shroud that george’s life is now connected to, with the purpose of using it to learn the truth about his mom’s death, which would result in george dying. he appears remorseful at the prospect of george dying, but not enough to give up on his mission to learn about his mom.

now I perceived this as gil being morally grey. he’s definitely a bit self-centered and always prioritizing himself. but given what we learn about him in this episode, that he and amanda have been on their own for years and only have each other, that makes sense. when you’ve never had anyone except your twin be dependable, why would you want to help anyone else if it’s not also benefiting the two of you?

as we see in “the bargain of the blood shroud” he’s very rash and impatient, but nancy is also charmed by him. ace vocalizes that he doesn’t trust him, and nick makes it pretty clear he isn’t a fan of him either (understandably as gil’s actions risked george’s life), but so far this reads as someone who’s learned not to rely on anyone else (except amanda) and therefore only cares about  themselves.

now, as gil is played by a south asian actor, this adds baggage to how the audience perceives him. we have all internalized racist biases from media. it’s unavoidable, and unless you actively put in the work to unpack said biases, they will continue to unconsciously affect your perception, both in consuming media and in real life.

now, because gil had become a love interest for nancy and because he displayed a willingness to sacrifice george’s life for a personal vendetta, I’m sure many people already hated him by this point. which means they were likely on the lookout for any behaviors that could be used as proof that he’s a terrible person. which brings us to the next episode that he had a prominent role in, “the beacon of moonstone island.”

as we see in this episode, gil continues to be rude and he’s portrayed as controlling towards amanda. it’s definitely not flattering behavior, and if I’m being completely honest, I felt like it clashed slightly with his previous scenes. but again, knowing his past, it still makes sense that he would be protective of his sister, and ace has made it clear that he’s not a fan of gil, so it didn’t feel completely out of the blue.

so then we fast forward to the finale. I saw multiple people on another app prior to the finale hoping that nancy would “realize that gil is abusive” now that she learned about the wraith. while gil isn’t perfect by any means and I knew his relationship w nancy was doomed from the start given how the narrative has clearly been pushing ace/nancy, I figured it was just typical racism from the fandom. but then, disappointingly, the narrative actually proved this theory right.

moments I thought demonstrated gil as an intriguing morally grey character can now be recontextualized as red flags. his quickness to anger, his lack of care for others, amanda’s comments insinuating that she feels stifled by him and somewhat dependent on his approval- all now proof that gil is an abuser. now if we ignore casting and look solely at the narrative plot points, the hints are clearly there, and I think the execution of this twist was fairly solid. my issue is not with a lack of foundation, but with the writers falling back on racist tropes in the revelation of this twist.

(and while you might have picked up on these hints and come to the conclusion that gil was abusive before the finale, you can't argue that it wasn't supposed to be a twist! the writers clearly wanted this to be a surprise to the audience, otherwise we would have been given this info earlier and not have a reveal of moments that the wraith blinded nancy from.)

the thing that makes this sting more though, is that I can count on my fingers how many south asian men I've seen in roles as love interests (in productions not made by other south asians). the only romance I can think of where said south asian man didn't turn out to be abusive and controlling is juliet/ethan on magnum pi... and that relationship is very likely doomed as well given the narrative is pushing juliet/thomas. having gil be abusive feeds further into this idea for ppl who just passively consume content. it’s just sad and disappointing to see gil be reduced to one-dimensional character.

#Nancy Drew #nancy drew cw #Gil Bobbsey #Rachel's NDCW thoughts

[simsadventures]

Only Mine: Chapter 3: Dinner Date

Summary: The night you dreaded the most is here. The date night with Bucky.

Warnings: swearing, mentions of violence, mobster AU, mafia

Word Count: 3485

A/N: I’m soooo excited that you guys like it so far! Let me know what you thought of this chapter, and what you’d like to see happen next. Love y’all!! xx

Series Masterlist __ Mastelist

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To say you were nervous would be an understatement of the fucking century. You wanted to leave the city and never come back, but you knew that it wasn’t an option. First, you didn’t have enough money to build a new life somewhere far away from here, and secondly, you definitely didn’t have the courage to do so. Your whole life was here, in New York, and you didn’t want to give it up just because an asshole decided to bully you into having dinner with him.

Nat was furious, to say the least. She was planning a murder into great detail, and it was only then that you let yourself relax a little. She was telling you about a certain man being run through a meat grinder, and you had to laugh. Your best friend was a psychopath, and it was not up to debate. And you thought if you could be best friends with someone like her, you could definitely make it through one dinner.

Friday went on too quickly for your own good. Usually, your hours at work would tick slowly, and you’d be going little nuts before you could go home. But not on this Friday. Whenever you looked at the clock, it was always an hour or more later, and you prayed to whoever was listening to just stop the time so that you didn’t have to face Bucky.

By the time your workweek ended, a message had appeared on your screen. You hoped Nat was texting you to bring her some vodka for the weekend, but when you read the message, all blood rushed out of your face.

B: Wear something nice

Just like that, nothing more and nothing less. You so wanted to go make-up-less, in your old PJs just to see his pissed-off expression, but after last time, and the way he let one of his men hold you down as if you were a fucking criminal, you didn’t know if you had the nerve to face him like that again. What also pissed you about the message was the fact he simply texted you a command, no please, no sorry, nothing, and he didn’t even sign the message. For all, you knew it could be a wrong number.

You decided to play a little, even if you knew there was no chance of your victory.

Y/N: Who dis?

You knew he’d make a scene, and you looked cautiously around the people on the street, in case he was standing/sitting there somewhere, watching you like a hawk.

B: I told you not to play your fucking games with me, doll!

Y/N: Oh! I almost forgot a mobster was threatening me to go out on a dinner with him. Still haven’t changed your mind, bad boy?

You knew you were on thin ice, but you just couldn’t help yourself. He was by far the most infuriating person you’ve ever had the chance to meet. And you hope tonight would be the last time you saw or heard from him. You saw the three dots in the left bottom twirling, but you decided that you had enough, at least until you came home. You put your phone off airplane mode, put on some good music, and walked home.

When you reached your apartment, it was already half-past five, and you knew you didn’t have that much time to get ready. So you threw your phone away and marched to the bathroom. Even though you knew it wasn’t technically a date, and that you definitely didn’t want it to be a date, you still wanted to look representable. Not for Bucky, God forbid, but for yourself. You washed your hair, shaved from head to toe (and only because you wanted to wear that short dress, nothing more, you told yourself), scrubbed your face clean of all the dirt it caught during the day and applied a new full-face on.

By the time you were done, it was quarter to 7, and your heart gave an involuntary jump. You wanted to stay at home, with a glass of wine and a good book, maybe even order a pizza if you were feeling like it, but no. You had to go out on a date with a freaking mobster. Just your luck. You went to check your phone for new messages and then horrified realised you still had on the plane-mode. You quickly turned it off and waited until your signal came on.

When it did, your phone wouldn’t stop vibrating in your hand from the vast number of messages you received. Sure, some were from your friends, few from your mother telling you all about her day and how you dad was acting like a jerk again, but most of them were from the unknown number you knew was Bucky’s.

17:01 B: That big mouth of yours will get you into trouble one day.

17:05 B: Don’t taunt me, Y/N.

17:20 B: You giving me the silent treatment now? You think that’s a good choice?

17:34 B: You’re not as smart as I thought you were. Ignoring me won’t get you anywhere.

17:57 B: I swear to God if you aren’t at your place by the time I get there, all hell will break loose, I can promise you that.

18:09 B: Y/N????

18:15 B: ARE YOU OK?

18:21 B: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

18:27 B: ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE, Y/N!!!!

18:30 B: I’m coming for you!!!

You stared, horrified at your phone. You knew he’d be there any minute now, but you texted him nevertheless, trying to put out the fire before he had the chance to stand face to face with you.

18:48 Y/N: I accidentally left my phone of airplane-mode. I’m fine, and I’m ready. Calm down, Romeo.

You were most definitely getting hurt for your snarky remarks, but this man brought something in you, and that something definitely wasn’t of the good sort. You could see the three dots again, but then they disappeared. Suddenly, you could hear the sound of the door buzzer, telling you someone was standing outside of the apartment building. You quickly grabbed your purse and ran out of the door.

You took your time ascending the stairs, first and foremost because you didn’t want to break your leg in those heels, and then also because you knew Bucky would be pissing himself in the car. When you finally stepped outside, the giant guy from the other day (Dax, Drogs, Dork? whatever) was waiting for you, with his arms crossed over his chest. You wanted to be polite, so you smiled at him a little and nodded your head, but the only reaction you got was a low growl and him grabbing your upper arm to lead you towards the black SUV. What a cliché!

“Get in,” the guy hollered and pretty much pushed you into the open door in the back. “Ouch! Are all gentlemen fucking dead, or what?” You hissed as you bumped your head at the entrance.

“Because you’re such a ladylike!” Somebody growled from inside the car, and you had to squint to see that it was Bucky, seated at the other side. “Whatever,” you muttered and slammed the door, turning away from him. How you wished to be anywhere else at that moment.

The ride to the restaurant (at least you hoped it would be a restaurant and that he wasn’t driving you to an abandoned slaughterhouse to have some fun with you (yeah, you had to idea what mobsters did for fun).  

When the car halted to a stop, everyone got out of the car, leaving you behind. Both the driver and the big guy stood next to Bucky, and you could see other men flying around the area, swooping it from anyone they didn’t like. But nobody gave a shit about you. You sat there with a smirk on your face. Maybe he’ll forget you were there in the first place and you could actually have the night you wanted. At the same time, you were thinking about how he could’ve had so many women when he didn’t even know how to treat one. Not that you wished he treated you like those girls, but still. He took you out for dinner, and he didn’t even make sure you actually got out of the car.

He seemed to have realised that it actually took to people to have this weird “date”, and he turned around, confused look on his face, shrugging his shoulders and spreading his arms as if to tell you what the hell is wrong with you.

You just cocked your head and got out of the car. “Waiting on an official invitation, princess?” Smirk plastered all over his face, and you wanted to do nothing more than to wipe it off. You smiled sweetly at him and patted his shoulder. “Oh, no, I was just waiting when or if you even noticed that the girl you took on dinner wasn’t even there. You know, waiting for you to pull your head out of your ass and stop treating me like a pet, but,” you scoffed, “I guess I would want too much, huh?” You said, stepped around his security and went inside the restaurant.

Bucky stood there, wordlessly as if someone took his favourite toy. All the girls always jumped at the first opportunity to be with him, he could be a first-class asshole, and they would giggle and blush. He was so used to getting what he wanted, that when suddenly someone wasn’t acting according to the used pattern, he didn’t really know what to do.

The girl at the desk welcoming and seating the guest looks at you, waiting for you to tell her your name so she could see if you had a reservation.

“Barnes.” You say with a sweet smile, and her eyes go a little wide. But because she doesn’t see him anywhere, she frowns a little. “I know Mr Barnes, and I’m sorry Miss, but you don’t seem like him.”

Someone obviously entered in that moment and from the look of terror on her face, you don’t have to guess who it is. “You have a good eye, Linda, she really isn’t Mr Barnes. How about we skip the pleasantries, and you show us to my table?” She quickly nodded, and almost ran towards the most distant part of the restaurant, which was hidden behind a thing looking like a curtain. When she pushed the fabric away, you could see one table behind it, lit with candle lights. It would be romantic, hadn’t you know that he brought there probably every girl who slept with him. And if it wasn’t Bucky, of course.

You didn’t wait for him to tell you to go sit down. You couldn’t help yourself, but Bucky looked confused as hell ever since you got into his car. When you were both seated, another girl came in with two menus in her hand. But before she could distribute them, Bucky waved his hand to stop her. “No need. We know what we want. A bottle of your best Merlot, the beefsteak, medium, tell Mark that it’s for me, he’ll know what to do with it. And your spring salad for the lady.”

You clenched your jaw. You hated when people spoke for you. You weren’t a 5-year-old, and you definitely wouldn’t let someone as arrogant as Bucky to speak for you.

“Actually,” you said and look pointedly at Bucky, “I don’t drink red, so please, a glass of Chardonnay and sparkling water. And I sure as hell am not gonna eat a salad here. I heard your chef makes mean salmon?” You asked, and the girl just nodded, obviously flustered from the whole encounter. “Good, then a salmon with grilled vegetable for me, thank you.” The girl hurried away, and when she was behind the curtain, Bucky’s voice boomed at you.

“What the fuck was that?”

“What? Are you so insecure that you won’t even allow me to pick the food for myself? I’m a capable human being, well… at least very capable of making an order for myself. I’m not one of your easy girls, who’d agree with anything you said, or whatever they do. I’m my own person, Bucky, and if you don’t want me to get up right now, you better start treating me like that.”

Silence followed your little outburst. You could see Bucky fighting himself not to yell at you, his fists clenching and unclenching, just like his jaw. You weren’t feeling comfortable with him. He was so easily angered that you didn’t know what you could say, and what would be too much. Sure, you had the tendency to talk too much and be a sarcastic shit, overall, but that didn’t mean he could treat you as if you didn’t have a brain or any options. Whatever he thought, you still could walk out of there. Threats or not, you weren’t about to let him walk all over you.

“So, can we be civil now, or are you still gonna order me around and threaten me?” You asked with a small smirk playing on your lips.

“I haven’t threatened you yet, doll. And you sure as hell don’t want me to, trust me.”

“Oh, I trust you alright in that. Tell me about your day, mafia doing good?”

He squinted his eyes and cocked his head to the right. “Did you just ask me if mafia was doing good?” He asked, disbelief laced in his voice. The corners of your mouth were twitching, and you wanted to start laughing so bad. You were so nervous because of him that you said pretty much the first thing that came to your mind.

You could see him bite his lower lip, his jaw tensing a little, and a slight smile appeared on his face. When you let your mouth do what it needed, you burst out laughing, and Bucky soon joined you. It was the first relaxed thing the two of you did together (if we don’t count that particular night) and relief washed over you. So the guy can laugh, from time to time, you thought.

“Yeah, mafia doing great. How about the publishing house you’re working at, prospering and all?”

“I’d ask how you knew about where I worked, but I don’t even wanna know. Yeah, work’s good. I always imagined it a little differently, you know, the whole publishing process and I’m still not at the position I’ve always dreamt about, but I’m getting there.” You smiled at him.

“And what is it you want to do?”

You weren’t sure if he were really interested in what you were saying, but you decided to let it go. He asked, and that’s what counted. “I wanna be the person who says if and how something gets published. I wanna just read scripts and all that and decide whether it’s something our reader would enjoy or not. Pretty much my bosses position, you know? But I guess I’m doing the second-best thing. I now make sure that whatever gets out to the bookstores is the most polished version. It’s a pretty good job, and I really shouldn’t complain. Sorry, I’m rambling,” you realised and shut up.

People always told you that you talked too much sometimes, and you were aware of it, but when you were nervous, or you talked about something really close to your heart, you just couldn’t help it. And at that moment, you were both.

“Don’t apologise. I can see that it’s something you’re very passionate about. And I like the passionate side of you.” He winked at you, and you couldn’t help it and stuck your tongue at him. He laughed and shook your head at your childishness.

When the waitress came with the food, Bucky’s posture changed utterly. While it was just the two of you, and he was listening to you talk, he slouched a little, and his whole face relaxed. But when the girl walked through the curtain, he became the feared mafia boss again. And you hated to admit it to yourself, but you actually liked the previous, smirking, funny version of him, and this mobster guy was pissing you off a little. He was so self-assured and was letting everyone around him know, who the boss was.

The rest of the night undulated between these two positions or two faces of his, and you were now more intrigued than anything else. But after he paid for your dinner, only one face stayed plastered on him, and you felt a little disappointed.

He once again didn’t even wait on you as he was leaving the restaurant with his bodyguards, didn’t open the door for you, he was once again acting as if you were an object, forgetting about your presence. You were just one of the many girls, and he was showing you precisely what he thought of you.

“Peter, drive us to my apartment,” Bucky told the young guy who was driving, and you looked at him, confused.

“Don’t you wanna drop me off first?”

“Ha! You’re going with me, doll. The night’s still young, and we can have plenty of fun together.” He said slyly and touched your exposed knee. You swatted his hand away and looked at him, disgusted.

“I’m not going home with you, Bucky. Not a fucking chance. Peter? Could you drop me off at my apartment and then do whatever you want with your boss?” You leaned in closer to the front of the car and said to the driver.

“Who do you think you are? You do as I say!” Bucky now all but screamed.

“Watch yourself! I’m not your fucking pet, Barnes! If I don’t wanna go anywhere with you, then I’m not going. End of the story. I’m not gonna let an arrogant idiot tell me what I can and cannot do.” You took a deep breath and looked Bucky in the eye.

“Look, let’s just call it a night, and life? I mean, we both found out that this would never work, not that I didn’t know it before tonight, but still. I’m not a girl you can order around, and you’re not a guy I’m looking for, so let’s just part ways and never see each other again. Let’s not make this a pissing competition for you, you don’t have to prove yourself anything. I’m just too much myself, and you need someone unsure of themselves so that you could mould them into the person you want them to be.”

Bucky cleared his throat but kept looking at you, as if you fell out of the sky. Like you were an alien, speaking different language. Peter was watching him through the mirror, and Bucky just nodded at him, letting him know that he could drop you off first.

He was studying your face and your body even when you turned away from him and stared out of the window. You knew, or at least really really hoped that there was a decent human being under that pile of shit Bucky was presenting as himself. Peter stopped in front of your apartment building, and you thanked him silently. You turned to say goodbye to Bucky, but he didn’t even acknowledge your presence. You patted his thigh nevertheless and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“Learn to not be so tough all the time, Bucky. When you let go of this bad boy image, you’ll be an alright guy.”

You didn’t wait for his reaction and got out of the car, and rushed towards your door. Your heart was in your throat that you actually told him that, but calmed down when no-one followed you. This was interesting, to say the least, you thought to yourself, and hurried upstairs to tell Natasha all about the night.

What you didn’t know was that Bucky didn’t speak all the way to his villa, where he spent most of his time, especially when he didn’t plan on bringing a girl “home”. He owned the apartment solely for the reason to have something in the centre so that he didn’t have to drive too long before he could fuck them. But of the things going down with his business, and the place he called home was his villa.

He didn’t understand what was happening. He actually enjoyed talking to you, you had a brain, an ambition, and it was interesting to hear about your dreams and such. But then something would switch, and you wouldn’t give him a look, even. He wasn’t used to getting the silent treatment from anyone, and he both wanted to curse the night he met you, but at the same time wanted to get to know you better. He just didn’t know which side of him was winning.

/ Next Chapter > 

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[laura-elizabeth91]

FROM 2019

Matt Chorley: behind the scenes at 10 Downing Street

Times political expert Matt Chorley speaks with former prime ministers, senior civil servants and spin doctors to find out what the new inhabitant of No 10 can expect in his first 48 hours in office (whoever he may be)

Not many people get to do it. In the past half-century, more people have walked on the Moon than across the threshold of No 10 as a new prime minister.

When the new prime minister stands on those famous steps next Wednesday afternoon he will find it a daunting prospect. They always do. Sir John Major felt it had come too soon. When he was confirmed as the new PM in 1990, his wife, Norma, turned to a friend and asked, “Is it going to be all right?”

Britain’s political system does not allow for a slow and careful transition between administrations, as in America. Some, like Gordon Brown, have years to prepare. Others, like Theresa May, a matter of days. This time, the new prime minister will be named on Tuesday and he will take office the next day, stepping on to a nonstop treadmill charging at 100mph.

“You’re never ready,” says Tony Blair. “The one thing you realise the moment you come into government is that campaigning to be the government is completely different from governing as the government.” Was he frightened? “Yeah, I was … ‘Frightened’ is perhaps not the right word, but I was somewhat overawed, yeah.”

Recalling that night in May 1997 as he willed the Tories to win more seats, fearing a New Labour landslide might spark some kind of constitutional crisis, he adds, “I think I was one of the very few sober people around that night and I was very sober and very, very conscious of the responsibility.”

For David Cameron, there was the psychodrama of five days of coalition talks, before it became clear that he would indeed be PM. Sitting in the leader of the opposition’s office in the Houses of Parliament, he called his wife: “Sam, love, you’d better get your frock ready. We’re going to see the Queen.”

And that is the first thing that happens even before you get to Downing Street: a trip to Buckingham Palace.

The Queen After PMQs on Wednesday, May will formally resign as PM, recommending to the Queen whom to summon as her successor. May will arrive at the palace in her prime ministerial limousine, but be driven away in a private car. The trappings of power fall away quickly.

The audience with the Queen can be a daunting moment, not least because she will remind the new PM that he is the 14th of her reign. Winston Churchill was her first.

Blair was waiting in a Buckingham Palace anteroom for his first audience with the Queen when an official approached to explain, “You don’t actually kiss the Queen’s hands in the ceremony of kissing hands. You brush them gently with your lips,” as he recalls in his memoir. This left the PM-in-waiting baffled, wondering if this meant brushing like a pair of shoes or the very lightest of touches.

Before he had time to work it out, he was ushered in, tripping on a piece of carpet and almost falling directly upon the Queen’s hands – “not so much brushing them as enveloping them”.

Margaret Thatcher insisted her audiences with the Queen were “quietly businesslike”, although she said stories about tensions between the two women were simply “too good not to make up”.

Cameron had a habit of blurting out details of his conversations with the Queen – famously that she “purred” down the phone to him after Scotland voted no to independence.

The speech From the palace it is a short mile and a half car journey down the Mall and Whitehall to Downing Street to address the nation. This speech matters.

“The new PM must first write notes only to be opened in the event of an apocalypse

It has grown in significance. For Thatcher quoting St Francis of Assisi (“Where there is discord, may we bring harmony”), it was a few snatched words to a huddle of cameras. These days it is a big lectern moment. As with May’s “burning injustices”, those first words on the steps of No 10 can set the tone for a premiership, and come back to haunt you.

With the world’s media gathered opposite No 10 and news helicopters hovering overhead, the narrow street creates a cauldron of noise.

It was easier for Blair – Labour apparatchiks had packed the street with Union Jack-waving party supporters. A decade later Brown took no chances. On the morning he became prime minister he went into a room in the Treasury with his gatekeeper Sue Nye and spin doctor Damian McBride to practise delivering his speech without notes – “I will try my utmost” – while his two aides played the role of protesters.

“Boo!” shouted Nye. “You’re a bad man!”

McBride got more into it: “Why did you sell the gold, Gordon? You ruined my pension! You’ve got blood on your hands!” At this last insult Brown stopped mid-speech and demanded to know, “Why is there blood on my hands?”

Some are more memorable than others – Cameron declaring, “This is going to be hard and difficult work,” had the hallmarks of a speech written in haste. It was also delivered in the dark, thanks to the Dark Lord of spin, Peter Mandelson. He advised Brown to leave in the early evening, still in daylight, knowing that by the time Cameron reached Downing Street the gloom would have descended.

The door Having delivered the speech in a blaze of flashbulbs, the new prime minister will turn and walk towards perhaps the most famous door in the world. This is the moment he will have fantasised about.

Waiting behind the door will be Sir Mark Sedwill, the cabinet secretary, at least for now. There has been speculation he could face the chop, although the new PM might soon realise they have bigger things to worry about.

The cabinet secretary, the most senior civil servant in the country, welcomes the new prime minister and their spouse (if they have one) before the couple walk towards the cabinet room, down the corridor lined with Downing Street staff who just an hour earlier will have waved off Team May. Lord O’Donnell, former cabinet secretary under Blair, Brown and Cameron, says, “You’ve got a very frenetic hour when you’re rearranging the furniture. You’re trying to work out precisely what our new prime minister might want. It’s horrible. It’s … barbaric, actually, is the word I would use.”

The changeover is brutal in its speed and efficiency. On the night in 2010 when Brown left Downing Street he was barely out the door when Jeremy Heywood, the No 10 permanent secretary, told staff to “snap out of it. We have a job to do.” And so they dried their eyes and prepared for Cameron’s arrival.

“It’s a bit mawkish really,” says Baroness Bertin, who entered No 10 as Cameron’s press secretary. “You can still, you know, smell them. They’ve only just left. The pizza boxes were still in the bin. We all trooped into Gordon Brown’s office and the table had scratch marks and indentation marks where we imagined mobile phones had been smashed into it.”

The civil servants will line up, clap and smile and make their new boss feel welcome. This tradition is born not out of servitude to new masters but a more practical purpose: in the pre-television age, it was a chance for Downing Street staff to see the new PM and their team up close so they could recognise them about the place.

“It’s very noisy,” recalls Katie Perrior, who entered No 10 in 2016 as May’s director of communications. “There’s lots of back-patting and people are realising, ‘We’re here now.’ ”

Anji Hunter, Blair’s adviser, says this moment illustrates the professionalism of the civil service. “They don’t display their political affiliations. That same group of people had been there an hour before we were there, weeping as Major left with Norma. They had clapped out John Major and they clapped us in, beaming, literally beaming and delightful.”

Blair arrived deeply suspicious of the civil service, believing they were beholden to the long-running outgoing Conservative administration. The same was true of Cameron when he moved in after 13 years of New Labour. “Actually, within almost hours that’s completely gone,” says O’Donnell.

While the clapping and smiling have been going on, the cabinet secretary has run round the back corridor to be waiting for the PM outside the cabinet room.

The cabinet room Stepping into the famous cabinet room can be an emotional moment. Blair said he pictured “a thousand images fluttering through my mind” of Disraeli and Gladstone and Asquith, Lloyd George and Churchill and every other great statesman who had held court and power in this room.

David Cameron, alongside wife Samantha, is ushered into the cabinet room for the first time by cabinet secretary Gus O’Donnell, May 11, 2010ANDREW PARSONS/I-IMAGES

A photographer captured the moment Cameron had his head in his hands as he entered the room, as the enormity of it all dawned on him. O’Donnell was to his left, while to his right was his wife, Samantha, pregnant with their daughter, Florence, who was allowed to enjoy the private moment of history before being whisked off.

By tradition all the chairs around the cabinet table are neatly pushed in; the prime minister’s seat is at an angle. It is also the only chair with arms.

The PM sits. Waiting on the vast coffin-shaped table is bottled water, still and sparkling, and a small dish of mints. It is going to be an intense first meeting. After all the euphoria, the applause and the smiles, it quickly gets serious. Really serious.

The letters One of the first jobs is to write letters to the UK’s Trident submarine commanders giving targeting instructions only to be opened in the event of a nuclear attack where communications with London have broken down.

“Cameron held an ‘Ibiza-style rave’ at Chequers for his wife’s birthday

The chief of the defence staff, General Sir Nicholas Carter, is likely to be on hand to offer advice. However, nobody knows what the PM puts in the letters, which are sealed and taken to the Clyde naval base in Scotland where the submarines are based, with whichever boat is at sea having its letter on board.

The PM must also name a dozen ministers and advisers who would be given a space in the underground nuclear bunker, alongside their families, in the event of Armageddon.

Joining them around the cabinet table might be the heads of the security services. There will be a fast update on the most pressing issues of national security: live counterterror operations, imminent threats and urgent decisions delayed by their predecessor.

“This isn’t exactly an easy first couple of meetings,” says O’Donnell.

“It’s incredibly scary,” agrees Lord Wood of Anfield, a foreign policy adviser to Brown. “It’s a particular kind of torture to make the first act of a prime minister, literally within 30 seconds, this extraordinarily dramatic act of handwritten notes only to be opened in the event of an apocalypse.”

That moment encapsulates the feeling of loneliness that so many prime ministers have spoken of. There is no one to share it with, nowhere to turn. The buck stops with you and you alone.

The team While things are calm but serious in the cabinet room, outside all hell could be breaking loose as the PM’s political team get to meet their new colleagues, tour their new office and try to grab the best desks.

In 2007, while Brown was at the palace his team had a 2pm appointment at the “link door”, a Star Trek-like glass capsule door that connects the cabinet office with the rear of No 10.

“You walk into the pod,” recalls Wood. “It shuts behind you and then hopefully opens in front of you. There was a line of women on the other side who were the PAs, the Garden Room girls and assistants. And we were kind of matched one a piece, a bit like Strictly.

“And the thing I remember is that they all looked very red-eyed. And I only realised three years later when I left, they were crying because they’d just said goodbye to the Blair team. Within half an hour they were hoovering the floor and then lining up waiting for their new team.”

Once through, the political team will rush through the corridors of No 10 to be there to greet the new PM as he walks through the door.

Some teams are better prepared than others. Jonathan Powell, Blair’s chief of staff, held talks with the civil service and even trained frontbenchers in how to be a minister. “I remember Tony not wanting to know anything about that,” Hunter recalls. “Superstitious is the word.”

Keen to make a first impression in 2016, Perrior made a speech to civil service press officers about the importance of loyalty. “Don’t screw me over and I’ve got your back.”

For aides and advisers, the first days will also mean detailed security checks, especially for those covering foreign affairs, defence and national security.

Wood says, “My understanding is that the inquiries have evolved from questions about sexual and other matters to questions about money. I think they care much more now about financial exposure than private life exposure.”

The incoming team will also be warned against using their personal email addresses for government business, and to be wary when travelling abroad, to assume that foreign governments are listening in.

Sue Nye gave Brown’s team some extra advice: always carry your paperwork in a folder (to avoid official documents being snapped by photographers waiting in Downing Street). And never run.

“I was with the prime minister quite a lot, travelling around the world,” says Wood. “If you’re caught on camera running, it looks like something’s gone wrong.”

The house It is a strange quirk of British politics that the entire country is run from three terraced houses knocked together to form the office, state rooms and home of the prime minister.

O’Donnell calls it a “Tardis”. Wood says it is like a “slightly run-down Georgian country hotel”. Bertin remembers “being so overwhelmed really by No 10, the actual presence, actually being in that building, the smell of it. It just was like a sensory overload.”

If changing jobs is hard enough, becoming prime minister also comes with one of life’s most stressful experiences: moving house. The flat over No 11 Downing Street is slightly bigger and has in recent years been taken by the prime minister. At the end of a long day they can head to one of the small lifts that takes them to the top floor. Although in time prime ministers often make a habit of taking the stairs, the only form of exercise they get during an office-bound day running the country.

“Brown struggled to relax at No 10. ‘He didn’t enjoy living above the shop’

New PMs routinely try to suggest they might like to stay in their own home, before security becomes too much. Security arrangements for children and wider family will also have to be agreed. O’Donnell jokes, “We all know from Bodyguard what that can lead to.”

For new prime ministers not used to the increased security, this can come as a shock. On his first day in office, Major went to walk from No 10 to the House of Commons for lunch, but was stopped by police who made it clear this would be impossible for as long as he was PM.

For PMs with young children, working below the flat could be a blessing, allowing them to slope off for an hour. The Cameron children would often be seen playing in their pyjamas as dignitaries visited.

Brown, by contrast, struggled to relax. Wood says, “He didn’t enjoy living above the shop.” Home remained in Scotland, while the Downing Street flat “felt a little bit like a place you were staying in for a long weekend with a few Sainsbury’s bags full of milk”.

Discussions will also have to be had about the position of the new PM’s wife or girlfriend, whether they plan to play a visible role, and whether their own job or interests present a potential political conflict that could derail a premiership in its infancy.

There will be questions of changing artworks, even redecorating, but they can come later.

The new PM has not just one new home, but two. There is also the grace-and-favour country retreat at Chequers, where they are likely to head to for their first weekend.

May used to enjoy using the pool. Thatcher was so concerned with the electricity bills she had the pool’s heating switched off. Blair added a tennis court and invited celebrity friends to stay. Cameron held an “Ibiza-style rave” for his wife’s birthday.

When Major became prime minister he inherited a Chequers reception from Thatcher, but had no guests. So he asked O’Donnell, the PM’s press secretary at the time, who to invite. He replied instantly, “Well, Bobby Charlton ...”

“We just reeled out these people that we’d all love to meet,” says O’Donnell. “We had Jenny Agutter and a whole bunch of cricketers.”

The reshuffle Before unwinding in the Buckinghamshire countryside, there is the small matter of putting together a government.

If the updates on the state of the nation’s security are sensitive, the details of the reshuffle require perhaps even higher levels of secrecy. A small office just off the cabinet room is used for reshuffles, which means the door can be locked so ministerial posts are not spotted by prying eyes. “You need to make sure that you can’t have someone going in moving the names around,” says O’Donnell.

In comes a whiteboard to write people’s names on with magnets. In 2010, as the coalition government was being put together, disaster struck. “For some reason the magnetic thing stopped and all the names dropped off,” Bertin recalls. “I’m sure some people got different jobs as a result.”

The number of ministerial jobs is limited by law to 90 MPs, and a total of 109 paid posts including 22 paid cabinet positions. Downing Street staff are tasked with finding out where key people are in preparation for them to be called in for a job – without letting on why.

Both May and Major were propelled into No 10 with such haste they had given little thought to their top team. Brown, by contrast, had been planning it for months, perhaps years, right down to every junior minister and aide. “As with all these things, it goes well until it doesn’t, and then like dominoes you’ve got to rebuild the whole thing,” recalls Wood.

Margaret Beckett was let go as foreign secretary, making way for David Miliband. “It went down like a ton of shit,” says one of Wood’s former colleagues. “She has never forgiven Gordon.”

“Of the many gifts she received, May chose to keep only hosiery from a firm called Luxury Legs

In addition to the rather quaint idea of choosing the right person for each job, other considerations are also taken into account: in the New Labour years it meant balancing Blairites and Brownites; the coalition had to have the right number of Tories and Lib Dems; since 2016, balancing Remainers and Leavers has been seen as critical.

It is likely that only the very top jobs – chancellor, foreign secretary and home secretary – will be announced on Wednesday night. The rest of the cabinet will be rolled out on Thursday, with more junior jobs to follow.

Where the coalition had got into the habit of announcing reshuffles on Twitter, Team May thought this too Cameroon and opted for formal press releases with the Downing Street crest on.

Would-be ministers are brought into Downing Street through the front door or via the cabinet office and left in a small waiting room just off the main entrance to No 10.

“You know what I’ve got, don’t you?” a nervous Boris Johnson asked Perrior on the evening of July 13, 2016. “Yes,” she replied. “But it’s not for me to tell you. It’s for the prime minister. So you just have to wait a little bit longer.” He was then summoned to the cabinet room to be offered the job of foreign secretary, before returning to a makeshift photographer’s studio in a side office where portraits would be taken to mark the occasion.

A slick operation. But not perfect. At one point George Osborne, still resident in No 11, walked past just as someone was shouting, “Can you just repeat that? Philip Hammond is the new chancellor?” Osborne winked and carried on. Perrior explains, “George Osborne got fired via someone shouting in a corridor a little bit loudly.”

The switchboard For new arrivals into Downing Street, “Switch” is about to change their lives. The Downing Street switchboard is staffed around the clock by a team of crack operatives able to get anyone on the phone anywhere at a moment’s notice.

Technology has obviously changed its role. Major and Blair didn’t have a mobile phone. Brown was less of a stickler for process, and would text and email at all hours. These days a prime minister could bypass Switch by whatsapping their ministers, advisers or other world leaders. They could also bypass their press teams by firing off tweets, creating the havoc that Donald Trump seems to thrive on in the White House.

“If Donald Trump were prime minister,” says O’Donnell, “I would have kittens, because that’s just not the way our system works.”

The first job for Switch will be to co-ordinate the congratulatory phone calls. Traditionally, the president of the United States is the first wellwisher to get through.

George W Bush was the first to call Brown. Three years later the White House was on the line again. “I’m speaking to you now from No 10 for the first time,” Cameron told Obama, with a wink to his team.

Expect President Trump to be first on the line next week, too. Or perhaps he will just tweet. Might an early call from Germany’s Angela Merkel or Ireland’s Leo Varadkar help to oil the wheels of a new Brexit deal? Also listening in to those calls will be the chief of staff, special advisers, foreign policy experts and press aides charged with briefing out (some of) what is said.

There will also be hundreds, if not thousands, of calls from friends and family. O’Donnell says, “These may be the extended family that the prime minister’s forgotten all about. They may feel that now their third cousin twice removed has become prime minister, they really need to congratulate them.”

The gifts For some, phoning is not enough. Gifts, many terribly expensive, are dispatched. Anything worth more than £140 is seized by the cabinet office, and if the PM wants to keep it they have to pay for it. In July 2017 May was sent shoes, clothes and make-up. She chose to keep only hosiery from a firm called Luxury Legs.

And then the flowers. Thatcher joked in her memoirs that so many bouquets were sent to No 10 during her final days that “you could hardly move down the corridors for a floral display that rivalled the Chelsea Flower Show”. And they all had to go before the new PM arrived, with even more blooms.

Perrior says, “The place looks like someone’s died. I feel for anybody who has hayfever.”

The office Blair found Downing Street so cramped he considered moving the office of the prime minister to the QEII conference centre. Cameron toyed with moving upstairs to one of the grand state rooms looking out over Horse Guards Parade, where Thatcher had worked, before discovering there were no phone or IT connections. Instead, he chose the room used by Blair, then known as the “den”.

Bertin was not impressed. “It was a bit of a mess, if I’m honest. It was tiny. There were sort of, you know, stains on the carpet.”

When May, who inherited Cameron’s office, visited Perrior in her oak-panelled corner room overlooking the garden, she remarked how nice it was. “I said something along the lines of, ‘Keep your hands off … You are not taking this office.’ ”

In most workplaces having your own office would be a sign of status, but in Downing Street it can leave you cut off from the action.

Chiefs of staff position themselves right outside the prime minister’s office, deciding who gets in and who doesn’t. Everyone insists that the prime minister wants them to be in the room, closest to them, at all times.

“May’s thank-you party for staff came many weeks later, highlighting early on the lack of people skills that would bring her low

“You felt sometimes that you should hover,” says Wood. “Hopefully you caught someone’s eye and then they’d say, ‘Oh, you’d better come in.’ Proximity was everything.”

Under May there was to be no hovering. A sofa outside the PM’s office, used by hoverers, was removed. “It was made clear that you do not linger in this office,” Perrior recalls. “You are only to come when you are invited.”

In the early days of the May regime a small side office was commandeered by her chiefs of staff, Fiona Hill and Nick Timothy.

It became known as the “bollocking room”. “You knew that if you were asked to go in there … it was not going to be necessarily pleasant,” says Perrior.

Cameron had formality forced upon him: the coalition meant Nick Clegg (and his Lib Dem team) were squatters in No 10. Decisions had to be taken formally by both parties, not by a select clique. Conservative spin doctors and policy advisers were told to share offices with their Lib Dem opposite numbers. “I can remember being pissed off about that,” says Bertin, although she now admits it was the right way to ensure the coalition worked.

The night On Wednesday night civil servants will be encouraging the new PM to go to bed early, knowing what onslaught awaits the next day.

In 2007, at around 9pm, Brown went back to his flat – handily for the former chancellor, just upstairs – where his wife, Sarah, cooked dinner and close friends celebrated with champagne.

Next week, the new PM will likely head to their own home, because the Mays will not have moved out. But that does not mean time to switch off. They will have their red boxes of papers to work through, covering everything from a draft speech to a natural disaster or a parliamentary crisis. There is also the black box, known as “Old Stripey” due to its red stripe, that contains the most sensitive material, which even as foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt or Boris Johnson might not have seen.

Before heading off, it is probably wise to gather people for a pep talk, bringing together political advisers and civil servants to begin to cement them into a team. In 2007, Brown told the assembled workers in the Pillared Room, “It’s not every day you meet the Queen at 1.30pm, become the prime minister at 2.45pm, speak to the president of the United States at 4pm and get told by Sarah to put the kids to bed at 7pm.” Cameron made a speech joking about how he and Nick Clegg would get on better than Blair and Brown, which went down badly with those who’d spent years working for the Labour PMs.

May’s thank-you party for staff came many weeks later, highlighting early on the lack of people skills that in the end would bring her low.

The next day All prime ministers have a habit of starting early, and for May’s replacement time will be of the essence. On Thursday teams will be assembled early, at around 6am. The reshuffle will have to be completed, and the new prime minister is expected to make an appearance in the Commons before parliament rises for its six-week summer recess.

The diary will already be filling up. And it will be nonstop and baffling and relentless. Wood explains, “At 7am, you’re meeting with the Scottish Bagpipe Association, who’ve got a problem with tax treatment, and then at 8.15am you’ve got a phone call with the Armenian president ’cause there’s a problem on the border, and then at 9am you’ve got a policy meeting about long-term health policy. And you’ve got to fight against this tendency always to put aside the long-term stuff because there’s always enough short-term stuff to really consume you.”

The departure Like all good things, premierships come to an end. A new arrival in Downing Street means there has been a departure. Out with the old and in with the new.

In 2016, moments before Cameron went out to make his final speech, Bertin caught him just behind the No 10 door to tell him how proud she was of what he’d achieved. “Please don’t,” he said. “You’re going to make me cry.” When he came back in there were more tears, though he held it together. Just.

Leaving the building, and the power and influence it gives, is a wrench. Wood says, “It’s like handing over your most precious possession to someone else and resenting the fact that it’s not yours, but you want them to treat it well.”

Wood left a note to Bertin in 2010. When Bertin came to leave six years later she wrote a note to her children on No 10 paper, saying, “This is what Mummy did.”

And so it ends as it began, with letters. Before leaving Brown wrote three letters: one to Cameron (left under a bottle of whisky), one to Nelson Mandela and one to Aung San Suu Kyi. Most prime ministers leave their successor a note, knowing they are one of just a handful of people alive who know what the job is really like.

Brown had a well-worn joke about this. He used to say that when you finish in your job and your successor is taking over, you hand them three envelopes. When there’s a crisis (and there always is), they open the first letter and it says, “Blame your predecessor.” The next crisis, the second letter says, “Blame the statistics.” And finally the third envelope says, “Prepare three envelopes.” To find out more about what happens when you become PM, listen to Matt Chorley’s Red Box podcast special on iTunes, Acast and Spotify

UK politics

David Cameron

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Comments(84)Newestuyjujy yujuyjujyU

SShayeWestL24 JULY, 2019This was just riveting. Thanks Matt, brilliantly put together.ReplyRecommendReport

JJohn Must21 JULY, 2019EditedDon't fret. Trump will sort it all out for you during the 4PM phone call.ReplyRecommendReport

JJohnny C20 JULY, 2019Great article!ReplyRecommendReport

DDuncan Bell20 JULY, 2019Great piece, except maybe for the photos. Very insightful.ReplyRecommendReport

JJohn Noel HUGHES-WILSON20 JULY, 2019Of course the incoming PM could say , 'No, I am not going to be told what to do by you lot. This is what I want to happen. Now do it.' The idea that the civil service dictate the handover merely hands them power. Who controls the agenda? Sir Humphrey or his boss?ReplyRecommendReport

MMatt - Not the other one20 JULY, 2019According to the Bible of political processes - Yes, Prime Minister - an incoming PM is only applauded if they've won an election. Whoever goes into No. 10 won't have. So, like Jim Hacker, he'll be met with silence.ReplyRecommendReport

HHelsinki20 JULY, 2019Mr Johnson : DON'T BOTHER UNPACKING You won't be there long enough.ReplyRecommendReport

Rramtops20 JULY, 2019I truly cannot envisage Johnson being up to the relentless pressure and grasp of detail required for this job. I'm really quite fearful.ReplyRecommendReport

MMr Malcolm Speirs20 JULY, 2019I do hope The Times hold on to Matt, and that he does not end up at Sky News (where many excellent print journalists have headed of late).ReplyRecommendReport

DDave20 JULY, 2019He will find an empty box labelled “Brexit Britain’s bright sunlit future” and a full waste basket labelled “Brexit Promises”ReplyRecommendReport

MMichael Rose20 JULY, 2019John Noel HUGHES-WILSONYou really have no idea about the workings of government, do you? I doubt that Boris Johnson can tie his own shoelaces, never mind tell them what the civil service should be doing.ReplyRecommendReport

JJohnny C20 JULY, 2019John Noel HUGHES-WILSONMy father was a senior civil servant. He always said, Sir Humphrey ran the country. Yes Minister was how it really worked, most legislation is via Statutory Instruments penned by civil servants and signed into statute by clueless ministersReplyRecommendReport

MMichael Rose20 JULY, 2019Matt - Not the other oneOr hopefully a slow handclap.ReplyRecommendReport

MMichael Rose20 JULY, 2019ramtopsThink how how the majority in the country feels.ReplyRecommendReport

Oozodyssey21 JULY, 2019Mr Malcolm SpeirsHe does seem to be moonlighting in a number of different rolesReplyRecommendReport

TMatt ChorleySTAFF20 JULY, 2019Mr Malcolm SpeirsNo danger of that, I promise. Having too much fun hereReplyRecommendReport

JJohnny C20 JULY, 2019DaveAnd he will paint a bus onto the box full of smiling passengers The sort of people he'll meet in the asylum when his brain implodes due to the promises he made but couldn't fulfilReplyRecommendReport

[criminalminds-hc-hq]

Proximity

Word Count: 2,433 (who am I???)

Warnings: None that I can think of. If you find any, let me know.

Author’s Note: I had an idea for a few scenes and it turned into this. My first pretty sizable fic. Merry Christmas. This is my gift to you.

Maria has been working with the BAU for a little over a year now. To say her crush is no longer a crush would be an understatement. It would be difficult not to fall in love with Spencer. He’s kind, smart, sweet, and funny. It also helps that he is very attractive. Though, if she was just into looks, there were plenty of other guys in D.C. who would be up her alley too. Or at least in reach of her 5’6” frame.

Honestly, Maria doesn’t know how much longer she can go on like this. Last week she ducked into Penelope’s batcave to avoid talking to him after making a fool of herself. She had said the wrong thing in front of Spencer out of her building nerves around him and he corrected her. Now she’s proving she isn’t smart enough for someone like him as well as the understood fact that he is much more attractive than her.

At this thought, her gaze slides up from the folder she’s pretending to read and to the man in the sweater sitting across from her on the jet. Spencer had cut his hair right before Maria met him, but now it was sitting in the in between stage--somewhere between short and too long for most guys. He is biting his lip as he reviews the case. Well, there’s a distraction she definitely doesn’t need right now. For weeks, she’s been fighting the impulse to act on her feelings for Spencer. Penelope and JJ both keep telling her that he feels the same. But she isn’t willing to act on her feelings without solid proof. What would happen then? Losing her best friend wasn’t an option.

“I give up. I can’t focus right now,” Maria says as she drops the folder on the table. Spencer follows suit and lays his folder on top of hers.

“What’s up? Something on your mind?” he asks. 

With a sigh, Maria runs her fingers through her hair and answers, “not really. I think I’m just tired. I’m gonna grab some coffee.” Sure, overcaffeinating’s probably not a good idea hours before landing for a new case. But Pen and JJ’s words running through her mind are distracting. What if?

“I’ll come with. I want to see if they got that creamer I asked for,” Spencer says while getting up. Maria follows suit and grabs at JJ’s shoulder as she’s passing by. JJ looks up from her phone and smiles back at her.

When they reach the coffee station, Spencer passes her a mug of coffee before standing back to let her at the creamers and sugars. She comes in to add some sugar to her coffee. She can feel Spencer standing behind her with his own mug and tries not to let that get to her. Her emotions--or her hormones really--have never been so out of control. He’s just a man.

Taking a steadying breath, she turns around and realizes that Spencer is closer in her bubble of space than she expected. Maria’s breath catches in her throat as she looks up into his eyes.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she whispers. Maria knows that Spencer has a thing about germs and being in close physical proximity is probably not the best thing for him.

“I didn’t mean to--” Spencer starts to say before she cuts him off.

“I didn’t know your eyes were so golden.” Ugh. What is wrong with her today? Yeah, his eyes look like warm honey as she feels herself getting lost in them, but was it really necessary to say that? She feels her cheeks flame as she stares up at him.

“Oh, um--” Spencer stutters out before Maria quickly presses past him.

Maria sits down in the empty chair across from JJ in an effort to give herself some breathing room. She starts sipping her coffee while JJ and Emily discuss the case and their words go in one ear and out the other.

---------

During the case, Maria did her best to work with Emily or JJ and to stay away from Spencer. No one seemed to notice how oddly she was behaving. Or if they did, they didn’t say anything to her. Even the flight back felt uncomfortable despite pretending to sleep for most of it.

Maria cannot wait to get back home after such a crazy case. She could probably sleep for a few days if she let herself. In reality, she needs some time away from her fellow profilers. She’s never acted so unprofessionally during a case before and that’s not okay. After filing the last of her paperwork away, she grabs her go bag and her car keys.

“Unless anyone needs anything from me, I’m going to pass out for 48 hours straight,” Maria says to the room at large. JJ and Luke say goodnight while Matt and Tara wave her off, still going over their own paperwork. Maria heads to the elevator and vaguely starts planning her weekend while waiting for it to arrive.

“Hey, Maria!” Her head drops at his voice. So close to getting some time away from him, yet so far. It’s not that she has any negative feelings about him, but taking the time away to get her mind off him is necessary at this point. She can’t keep letting him affect her work.

“Yes, Spencer?” she asks while turning around slowly. “What’s up?”

Spencer stops a few feet from her and shifts his weight from foot to foot while looking for his words. He seems uncomfortable and Maria is sure it’s because of her. Sure that he realized what her behavior means and he’s uncomfortable around her because of it. He’s a genius and a profiler, there’s no way he doesn’t understand what her distance, her stares, her general out of character behavior means.

“Can we talk?” he asks when the elevator arrives.

“Yeah, come into my office,” Maria says to try to lighten the mood.

With a soft laugh, he steps into the elevator with her. Both turn to face the door with a couple of feet separating them. Maria could not be any more uncomfortable. Spencer looks awkward as well--while she knows that might just be him and have nothing to do with her, she knows it’s probably her fault this awkwardness has built up like a wall between them.

Spencer clears his throat before bringing up the reason they’re on this awkward elevator ride, “Did I do something to upset you? You’ve been acting differently this whole case.”

Of course Spencer would notice if one of his best friends were avoiding him for days on end.

“No, we’re fine, Spencer. Really,” she says. “This was a hard case. They were kids for Christ’s sake. I think I just need to go home and get my mind off of it.”

“It’s not because of what happened in the jet?” he asks while staring at the lit numbers indicating the floor they are currently passing. Maria knew it was her fault he was behaving like this. She wants to bang her head on the elevator wall, but it’s finally reaching the garage level. “I didn’t mean to crowd you like that. I know I get uncomfortable with people violating my space and I wouldn’t ever want to make you feel that way.”

Wait...what? Spencer thinks this awkwardness is his fault? Maria turns toward him while walking out of the elevator door. With an incredulous laugh, she says, “Spencer, you didn’t do anything wrong. We’re fine. I promise.” Spencer follows after her as she continues walking toward her car.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. You can tell me if I upset you,” Spencer presses on. “That happened on the jet and then you started avoiding me.”

Clicking the unlock button on her remote, Maria turns around to face Spencer again. “Spence, we’re fine. I’d let you know if you bothered me.” At this, he seems to come to some sort of decision. The look on his face hardens slightly and he takes a step closer to her, definitely crowding into her personal bubble intentionally this time. She can just barely smell the cologne he’s wearing. It’s a woody scent scarcely lingering in the space between them. 

“If you’re sure,” he says softly. He stares at her for a moment before raising his hand up to move a strand of hair behind her ear. “Goodnight, Mare.” Her ear and cheek spark where Spencer’s hand graze them and her cheeks burn. She feels like she’s fighting to breathe as she watches his golden eyes light up before he turns to walk away.

Maria’s heart is still pounding hard as she watches Spencer make his way back to the elevator. It’s all she can do to lean back against her car door and try not to let hope grab her by the heart.

----------

“JJ, I love your boys so much, but do I have to go to this thing?” Maria asks while pacing in front of her door, keys in hand. She had forgotten in her rush to leave yesterday that Henry’s birthday party was today.

“You cannot back out of this just because of Spencer,” JJ says firmly. “I don’t care how weird things are between the two of you right now. Henry would be upset if you didn’t come.”

Maria stops her pacing and lays her head against her front door in frustration. “I knew you’d play that card. Ugh. Okay, I’m coming over. I’ll be there soon.”

“Don’t make this weird, Mare. If you ruin my child’s party there’ll be hell to pay,” JJ says before Maria hangs up.

Great. Just fucking fantastic really. Maria had told JJ all about the weird moment she had with Spencer in the parking garage, but the woman doesn’t care. Maria doesn’t know any woman who cares more about her child than JJ. It makes her a great mother, but right now it’s kind of a pain in the ass.

With a sigh, Maria grabs her coat and leaves her apartment before she can worry too much about it.

Walking through the back doors and into the backyard at Will and JJ’s place is a shock to the system. Red and blue balloons are tied to chairs and tables that are covered in blue tablecloths around the yard. There’s a cutout of some sort of action figure that Henry loves standing next to the cake table.

Maria hears a joyful scream to her left. Henry comes barreling past as Michael and Spencer chase after him. They might be playing tag or another game. All three of them seem happy either way. She watches them go by with a smile and turns to see their tech. analyst walking up to her.

“He is going to be a great dad one day,” Penelope says, noticing Maria’s preoccupation.

“Don’t say that to me,” Maria says leaning into her. “Do you know what a mess my friendship with him is turning into right now?” 

Penelope wraps her arm around Maria, trying to comfort her. “Maybe that’s what has to happen before you can make something better.”

“Okay, stop turning into a talking motivational poster and show me where the grown up drinks are.”

A little while later, Maria is recruited for chip refill duty and carries the three bowls inside. Setting them down on the counter by the sink, Maria thinks about the party so far. She’s spent some time talking to all of her team. Including Spencer. But he acted like nothing had happened.

Maybe for him nothing had. But Maria couldn’t remember a single instance of Spencer initiating contact between the two of them. In their whole year of friendship, she was the one who always started the hugs or comforted the other. Refilling the bowls, Maria lets her distraction overtake her.

“You okay?” a voice asks, drawing her out of her line of thought. Looking up, she sees Spencer coming into the kitchen from the party.

“Oh, yeah. Just lost in thought for a second,” Maria says. “Pretty good party for a kid, huh? JJ really spoils her boys.”

Her eyes track Spencer as he walks through the kitchen, getting closer to where she’s standing. He opens a drawer by the sink and pulls out a lighter.

“They’re pretty lucky. We’re almost ready for the cake if you want to join us.”

“Sure.”

“I like your dress by the way,” Spencer says standing very close to her now. Maria can barely hear him over the sound of her pulse in her ears. She turns to face him and sees a light in his eyes that she hadn’t noticed before.

“Oh, thanks,” Maria says. “I think it’s the one Penelope helped me pick out.” There is a force pulling her to him. That can’t be something she imagined. Her friends were right, right? They had to be. It wasn’t just her behavior that was out of the norm anymore. He doesn’t initiate contact, especially after everything he’s been through. Yesterday had to mean something, right?

Without thinking, Maria’s trembling hand wraps behind Spencer’s neck and she leans up on her tiptoes, pressing her lips to his. For a moment, horror wraps around her gut as Spencer stands there completely still, not reacting. He is pure resistance and Maria realizes she was wrong. He doesn’t feel the same way she does. She’s been misreading his actions completely. Her friendship is ruined.

Then suddenly his hands are snaking around her waist. Maria gasps as Spencer kisses her back fiercely. Her panic fades to the back of her mind as she wraps her other hand behind his neck. He uses her shock to his advantage and licks her bottom lip. Spencer’s fingertips on her back press her even tighter to him. His heat, his scent, his touch are overwhelming her. A soft noise from the back of Spencer’s throat let’s her know that she’s not alone in that feeling. They are crushed chest to chest, hip to hip, leg to trembling leg before Maria pulls back slightly to drop back to her feet. 

“Mare--”

There’s a loud bang as Luke comes in from the party followed by a low whistle. “You two do realize this is a kid’s party right?” At this, Maria and Spencer pull away from each other, suddenly brought back down to Earth. The little world around them has disappeared. Luke grabs the lighter from Spencer and makes his way back toward the door. “Feel free to join us when you’re done,” he says with a laugh.

#criminal minds #spencer fic #spencer reid #fanfiction #criminal minds fanfiction #merry christmas #enjoy your present #dr. spencer reid #oc #spencer reid x oc #criminal minds hc hq

[cedarmoons]

reversed nadia & tragic heroism

aka, stop dismissing complex female characters as bitches you heathens

to preface this meta: i’ve included screenshots where i can, but as tumblr only allows 10 images, i’ll also include transcripts of scenes i want to discuss. screenshots have been cropped to only include the text, and should be read from left to right. i have left out some filler text, and “blank” boxes are only meant to keep the image even. all mentions of “Nadia,” unless otherwise stated, refers to Nadia in her Reversed route.

tldr: Nadia is Textbook Tragic Hero, it wasn’t animal abuse, Nadia did not sell MC to Satan for one corn chip, and it certainly wasn’t “bad writing.”

Long ass character meta under the cut! obviously contains spoilers for Book XX, Judgement - Reversed.

So. I originally had no intention of playing any of the reversed routes, but there were some claims about Nadia (i.e., she abused Mercedes & Melchior, she killed Lucio in cold blood, and she sold out MC for her own power) that made me think HMST and play it myself. Unsurprisingly, every single one of the above takes does not provide any greater context whatever.

I changed four (4) things to get Nadia’s reversed route: I never encouraged her to talk to her sisters or ask them for help; I told her to send Portia away; I did not allow the Flooded District partygoer to talk to her in Temperance; I told her to kill Lucio in The Devil.

And playing Nadia’s route seemed incredibly familiar to me, though it took a little while for me to realize why: Nadia, in her reversed route, is the textbook Tragic Hero. The Tragic Hero has a “fatal flaw,” which leads them to commit catastrophic errors in judgement, which leads to their allies, family, and friends abandoning them and their own isolation, which leads to the Tragic Hero realizing (too late) the gravity of their own errors.

I can’t believe I’m busting out my degree for a mobile game because some people like to twist things, but here we are. Someone has to go to bat for Nadia when the narrative surrounding her the past 48 hours has been doing her so dirty.

Part 1: The Lucio Problem

Now, let’s get straight to the first bout of character analysis: Lucio’s death. Nadia does not, in fact, cut Lucio down in cold blood. Lucio actually gets her to stop, and she allows him to explain why he should be allowed to live, which essentially is “because then I can help you overthrow the Devil.” The following is a transcript of their conversation, starting with Lucio explaining how he was supposed to be the Devil (instead of the ghost goat form we see in early-to-midgame), up to and including his death:

LUCIO: “It should have worked too! It was supposed to work! It wasn’t my fault. The Devil played dirty, he cheated me out of my chance to win! But together, we can defeat him. We can do it right this time!”

Nadia stares at him for a very long time, then throws her head back and laughs.

NADIA: “Yes, because you’ve been so trustworthy in the past.”

NADIA: “You would become the Devil and spread your treachery further than even Vesuvia. You would do the same thing he is attempting. You would cause death and destruction. Neither of you deserve the title. If you want something done right... do it yourself.”

LUCIO: “I won’t lose here! I don’t lose!”

Lucio lurches forward, anger flashing in his eyes. He reaches forward with a gold-gauntleted glove - And stops, as blood gurgles up from his mouth, trailing down his chin. Nadia’s blade is plunged deep in the center of his chest, the blade finally finding its mark.

LUCIO: “...”

She pulls the sword out and he crumples, his last words lost.

It should be noted Lucio’s sprite isn’t bloodied during his “...” dialogue. It’s interesting that no one mentioned Lucio lunged for Nadia first, isn’t it? Of course, one can always say he sensed his incoming death, and only attacked in self-defense: this is a reasonable and valid argument. But he unquestionably moved first, and Nadia also killed him in self defense: hardly the cold-blooded murder I had expected going in. 

It is not Lucio’s death itself that struck me in the writing, but the aftermath. After he is dead, MC can respond with either “Why did you do that?!” or “He had it coming.” I chose the former, and the following is the transcript:

MC: “Why’d you do that?!”

My head is still spinning. Nadia just killed someone in front of me... and she doesn’t seem to be bothered by it at all.

NADIA: “We knew it would come to this, MC. I couldn’t risk him causing more chaos and destruction. He would have always remained a threat.”

She pauses, reaching out slowly toward me.

NADIA: “You understand, don’t you?”

I’m interpreting MC’s “Why’d you do that?!” as a horrified growing realization of how far Nadia has fallen. They were the primary influence over the course of 20 books in shaping Nadia this way, but the way Nadia kills Lucio really cements her fall from grace for them. And Nadia, when she “reach[es] out slowly” toward MC, seems to know that MC has realized this. She says “You understand, don’t you?” — words that can easily be considered a plea.

You understand why I did what I did, don’t you? You understand I had no choice, don’t you? You understand there was no other way, don’t you? You understand I am not a monster, don’t you? You understand I do not want to lose you, don’t you?

I take a deep breath, still staring at where Lucio’s body was, then nod slowly. Nadia lets out a soft sigh of relief, and strokes my cheek affectionately.

NADIA: “Good. I couldn’t handle you turning from me, MC. It had to be done. I had no choice.”

Nadia already considers herself alone against the world. The MC is the closest thing she has to an ally; the MC is the closest thing she has to a confidant(e). Yet her anxieties and trust issues keep her from truly allowing MC to be as close as they are in her Upright route. This is seen as early as Book 9, when in the carriage ride (and immediately after discovering Portia’s betrayal), she wonders if MC will betray her, too, and whether she is destined to stand alone in the world. 

Over the course of the 11 books from Book 9 to Book 20, she has come to realize that if she loses MC, she is truly, truly alone in the world. Thus, her hesitation (“slowly”) to reach for MC. Thus, her blatant relief in MC staying with her. Thus, her admission that she would be unable to handle MC turning away from her.

Part 2: Becoming the Devil

In any heroic story, the hero must achieve a seemingly impossible feat: saving the world; defeating the unstoppable Big Bad; et cetera. Tragic heroes also seek to achieve impossible feats, but their “feats” straddle the line between good and evil, or their reasons — why they want to achieve the impossible heroic feat — are not grounded in conventional morality. Tragic heroes attempt to achieve their impossible feats, but their efforts, whether successful or not, always have catastrophic consequences.

Hamlet’s impossible feat is to avenge his father: his efforts to do so result in the deaths of his (debatable) love interest, his mother, his step-father, his friends, and himself. 

Solas in Dragon Age: Inquisition’s impossible feat was to stop the Evanuris: his efforts to do so created the Veil, stripping elves of their immortality and power, leaving them open to exploitation, enslavement, and death (and opening the way for him to undertake a second impossible feat: destroying the Veil to restore the elven people’s power). 

Clarke Griffin in the TV show The 100 had the impossible feat of saving her people from having their bone marrow harvested by Mount Weather: her efforts to do so saved her people, but killed hundreds of innocent people who had nothing to do with the cruelties inflicted on Clarke’s friends; gave her and another major character PTSD; and led to Clarke’s self-imposed exile from her people.

Nadia’s impossible feat is to defeat the Devil Arcana. 

Where in her Upright route she believes MC is powerful enough to bind the Devil’s powers, essentially limiting him to his own realm, in her Reversed route she does not believe this: she thinks it is too risky to MC’s safety, and she is unwilling to lose MC after they “nearly died binding Vlastomil.” Instead, she will replace the Devil Arcana herself, as it is the only way to guarantee that the Devil’s threat would end. 

VALERIUS: “It’s a terrible idea [to replace the Devil Arcana]. You want to be trapped here, forever?”

NADIA: “I see no other option. The Devil cannot be allowed to continue his machinations.”

THE HIEROPHANT: “Interesting. I hold no love for the current Devil. He oversteps his bounds. ... Yes. I believe you’d make a lovely Arcana. At the very least, you’d mind your own business.”

The Hierophant tarot is all about tradition, convention, authority, “staying within your own bounds.” The Devil’s attempt to escape his realm and merge the magical and mortal realms certainly disrupts the accepted status quo. If Nadia replaces the Devil, then the status quo is maintained (“at the very least, you’d mind your own business”). Of course the Hierophant is going to encourage her to do this.

VALERIUS: “And give up your own humanity in exchange! I’ve been there, Countess, it’s no way to live.”

Nadia shakes her head, looking out the window to the vineyard beyond.

Nadia looking out the window the vineyard beyond is not only a description but symbolic of her own reasoning. Her attention is diverted by looking out the window, so she is not fully attentive to what Valerius is saying. She is unwilling to look at, and thus give attention to, those who disagree with her; she has turned her face away from reason and disagreement.

NADIA: “What choice do I have, really?”

MC: “There’s always a choice!”

NADIA: “Not this time, MC. You’ve been with me through it all... but this last thing I must do alone. I won’t risk you.”

MC then has the choice to say “I’m with you” or say “I won’t risk YOU!” here. I chose the latter option for thematic relevance: MC is panicking, now, fully understanding what Nadia intends to do — and fully understanding that they might lose Nadia forever. They are trying to undo the damage they have done in the earlier parts of the route, but it is too late. Nadia’s heart has hardened.

MC: “I won’t risk YOU!”

NADIA: “MC... That’s my duty. As Countess of Vesuvia, as Princess of Prakra... as your lover. I will do what no one else can. I will drag this world, kicking, screaming, and ungrateful, to safety.”

Again, Nadia is the only one who can do this. She will drag this world “kicking, screaming, and ungrateful, to safety” — she knows she will not be thanked, or praised, but it is necessary. It is for their own good. Nadia knows best, and Nadia can only trust herself to get things done. 

MC: “We’re in this together, Nadia. I’m coming with you.”

NADIA: “You cannot follow me into the darkness, MC.”

(It should be noted that Kevin MacLeod’s “Wounded” is playing during this. This is the tragic piano that is also heard in Asra’s route on the Lazaret. I mention this because the tragic piano always fucks me up emotionally, so y’all have to suffer too.)

Nadia’s line — “You cannot follow me into the darkness” — is typical of a Tragic Hero who wishes to protect others, especially their love interest. Using my prior two examples from Dragon Age: Inquisition and The 100:

When a Lavellan Inquisitor who romanced Solas tells him, “let me help you, Solas,” Solas says: “I cannot do that to you, vhenan.” 

When Bellamy Blake asks Clarke to stay at her home, instead of impose self-exile, Clarke says: “I bear it so they [her people] don’t have to.”

The point of these kinds of statements is this: This terrible undertaking is my responsibility alone; only I can accomplish this impossible feat; I do not want you to be hurt; I would rather something happen to me than you.

But where the Tragic Hero usually succeeds in isolating themself from their love interest, MC inverts this aspect of the archetype: they convince Nadia to let them accompany her to the Devil’s realm. If MC had told Nadia in earlier books, “I’d follow you anywhere,” this is truly an echo of that sentiment: MC is willing to go to Hell for Nadia Satrinava. 

THE HIEROPHANT: “If you go down this path, you cannot hesitate. If you lose your nerve, he will come back. If you waver, he will see it. If you do this, you need to mean it.”

NADIA: “To keep the world safe. To keep MC safe... I’ll do anything. I won’t lose.”

It’s important to state Nadia does not want to become the Devil on her own merits. It’s not a power grab (at least, not consciously). She realizes it is dangerous. She genuinely sees no other option to end the Devil’s threat, and thus save the world, that does not risk harm to MC. As stated before, MC is the closest thing Nadia has to an ally: it makes sense she is unwilling to consider any options that have even the slightest chance of her losing MC. It makes sense that she is willing to do “anything” to keep MC safe.

She is constantly stating there is “no other choice,” even though the other characters (Valerius and the High Priestess) offer alternatives, namely binding the Devil in his own realm (what happens in the Upright end). It is not that she is not hearing these alternatives, or unwilling to listen to reason: it is that they are unacceptable to her, by virtue of the danger posed to MC. It is that [Solas voice] every alternative was worse. It is that [Solas voice] terrible choices are all that remain. If you have to kill Stranger A to save 100,000 lives, and someone offers Stranger B to kill instead of Stranger A, it is an unacceptable alternative.

An essential aspect of the Tragic Hero is colossal mistakes in judgement. In Nadia’s case, this would obviously be her decision to replace the Devil’s Arcana. But this has been reinforced to her over the course of 20 books through critical decisions made earlier in her route:

Not talking to Nadia’s sisters, which accomplishes two things: 1) reinforces to Nadia that you are on her side; 2) reinforces to Nadia that she is right to maintain her grudge against her sisters. Her first instinct is to resent her sisters. There is no challenge to Nadia to change her mind, or move past old hurts. She remains static, stubborn, and seeking to prove herself - not only to her sisters, but to herself.

Encouraging Nadia to cast out Portia, which reinforces to Nadia that she cannot trust, confide in, or believe others: she will always be betrayed. Nadia’s first instinct is to send Portia away. Agreeing with her reinforces that she is right to distrust everyone, and only believe in her own competence and ability. She remains static and closed off from others.

Encouraging Nadia to kill Lucio. Nadia’s first instinct is to kill him, as she sees “no other way”. MC agreeing with her reinforces to her that her decisions are best, and that sometimes there are no other choices, or at least [Solas voice] terrible choices are all that remain. She remains static and unchallenged in her viewpoint(s).

Part 2.1: Trusting Nadia

Nadia’s “betrayal” is framed as random, coming out of nowhere, and only for her own power. I was suspicious of this framing from the moment I saw it, because characters like Reversed Nadia — straddling the line between good and evil, isolated, pursuing their impossible feat — tend to place high priority on the people they love, to the point of over-protectiveness, obsession, and/or obsessive devotion. An excellent example would be Victor Fries/Dr. Freeze in the Batman comics, who is willing to commit evil acts in pursuance of his impossible feat to save his wife.

I never doubted Nadia’s love for MC, even in the reversed route. As stated before, Nadia thinks that MC is not like the others in her life, who are incompetent fools, or simpering power-seekers, or her detested sisters. They are unique. They are special. While she may not be able to trust them fully (again! everyone can betray her! she is the only one she can trust!), she certainly loves them for what they mean to her.

Working under the assumption that Nadia truly loves MC, then, following the precedents of other tragic characters who came before her, she would be utterly unwilling to allow any harm to come to MC. This would extend to her allegedly offering MC to the Devil without any remorse. I was more inclined to believe (even before I played the Reversed route) that it was some ruse of Nadia’s to trick the Devil.

And so imagine my surprise when Nadia and MC left the Hierophant’s realm to go to Nadia’s gate, and the book provided the following scene: 

NADIA: “I have a plan, MC. Lucio failed to defeat the Devil. But that does not mean it cannot be done. Unfortunately... I cannot risk telling you. I need your reaction to be genuine. Will you be loyal to me, MC? Will you trust I want what’s best for you?”

MC: “Yes.”

NADIA: “Good. Everything that happens is for you, do you understand? Promise me you’ll remember I’ll always keep you safe.”

Boy, it would’ve been nice if someone mentioned this when discussing Nadia selling out MC!

This is such obvious foreshadowing of Nadia playing the long con it’s painful. She cannot tell MC her plan about how to deal with the Devil, because she needs MC’s reaction to be genuine; she needs MC to be surprised. If the Devil realizes he is being played, everything is over, and her efforts will have been for nothing.

For Nadia, the stakes are high. She either:

Tells her lover what her plan is, i.e. to use MC as a bargaining chip, which could have backfire in multiple ways: MC could be uncooperative, or MC could play their part unconvincingly to the Devil, and tip him off. She might stay with MC, but risk the world.

Or, she withholds it from MC, so that their surprise and shock (and, yes, feelings of betrayal) are genuine, and thus more convincing to the Devil. She loses MC, but saves the world. 

Her decision is pragmatic: she will sacrifice MC, even if it means she loses MC’s love, for the greater good (saving the world). She understands that the healer has the bloodiest hands. She is accepting the blood to make things better. By choosing the second option, she is choosing to trust herself and her plan instead of trusting MC to pull off a successful deception. (In a similar vein: remember how much she enjoyed deceiving Valerius in Book 6, The Lovers.)

Still, she does not want to sacrifice MC, but sees no other way. It is painful, but for the greater good. Thus why she emphasizes why Her Decision Is Best, and In MC’s Best Interest: “Everything that happens is for you, do you understand? Promise me you’ll remember I’ll always keep you safe.”

You may be hurt, but it is for the greater good, don’t you understand? Don’t you trust me to do the right thing? Don’t you see that I have your best interests in mind? Don’t you see that you can trust me? That you should trust me?

She even goes so far as to test MC when MC promises her that they will know she’ll always keep MC safe. I call it a test, because that is what it undoubtedly is: she holds MC’s throat, and asks, “Even now?”

This is a lead-in for a premium scene, but it goes deeper than that. Implicitly, she is saying: Even when I have you so vulnerable, even with my hand around your throat, do you trust that I will keep you safe? Can I let myself believe you when you tell me that yes, you do trust me; that yes, you know I have your best interests at heart?

MC has the option of proving it to her (premium choice), or simply saying “yes”. I chose the latter. It is simple, and honest, and depending on people’s MCs, undoubtedly true. MC is willing to go to Hell at Nadia’s side; this is a minor thing, by comparison.

MC makes the interesting observation that Nadia looks at them “like a pet.” Sure, it could be a reference to Nadia’s obvious petplay kink, but I think it’s indicative of their deeper relationship: Nadia may love MC, but she does not consider them her true partner as she does in her Upright route. Again, she can only trust herself, no matter how important MC is to her, because MC, too, might end up disappointing her. They are lovers, and they are partners, but Nadia and MC are not equals (unlike in Upright). Nadia sees MC like a pet (to cherish, love, and care for, but not treat as equal) and I fully expect she will continue to do so in the next update.

Whether or not Nadia is aware that this isn’t the healthiest way to love someone is up in the air, but I’m inclined to believe that she is not aware, and she is demonstrating her love in the best way she knows how: protecting MC (which leads to making MC’s decisions for them), providing for them (which extends into petplay and spoiling), and praising them (you are special, you are unique, you are not like everyone else in my life, who disappoints me). 

Later, approaching the Devil’s realm, she reminds MC of the conversation they had in her gate:

MC: “You have a plan. One you can’t tell me about.”

NADIA: “Yes. And I need you to trust me for it to work. Do you still trust me?”

MC: “I do.”

NADIA: “Good. Remember that when we’re in there.” 

NADIA: “... I love you.”

(Edit March 22: Nadia’s sprite during her “I love you” line is her embarrassed/uncertain face. A subtle signal that she, too, has doubts, even if she’s trying to hide them.)

The whole point of the cliffhanger was to shock people, but I think that people who are saying that Nadia sold MC out for her own power are misguided. Nadia spent the entire book talking about how she had no choice but to do this and foreshadowing that she was going to do something that would be unpleasant but necessary. To say that Nadia sold MC to the Devil for her own power is to completely ignore everything that’s been set up throughout the book.

Also, if you still don’t trust her / consider her a bitch after I’ve gone through this whole section talking about how Reversed Nadia is a character type that would never let someone important to her (i.e., MC) come to harm (though she may use them for her own gains) and that it’s 99% likely she has no intention of actually following through on this “deal”... that says more about you than it does Nadia.

Part 2.2: The Dogs

The way the dogs were framed made me think that Nadia was straight up cruel to them. I thought the dogs were physically there, and Nadia was actually abusive to them (though I was inclined to believe it was neglect, not abuse. again, quibbling). 

Considering Nadia’s treatment of the cheetah, and even the vampire leeches, I should not have taken these accounts at face value, because they are flat-out misleading (at best!).

For context, Nadia and MC have left Nadia’s Gate to go to the Devil’s realm. The Hierophant has just warned them of a perilous journey. They leave the Hierophant’s realm, go to Nadia’s Gate where they have the discussion about trust, and then enter the frozen forest background. What happens is the following:

MC: “Where are we?”

NADIA: “There are many roads connecting the realms. Lost paths in the dark. The forest is an illusion. It is likely our minds cannot comprehend the true shape of these spaces. Instead, the world changes into metaphors we can understand. But you must remember they are only metaphors, MC. Keep your wits about you.”

We continue walking, wary of every strange noise that flickers off the narrow path we follow. Every step we take causes more fog to swirl from the ground, until we can barely see in front of us once more. I hear a snarl behind us, close enough that I can feel the breath. Without thinking, I turn around to face it —

Two figures emerge from the fog, their mouths dripping red. Mercedes and Melchior. Everywhere the blood from their mouths drips onto the ground, a cluster of flowers sprout. When I look closer, I realize... they’re all poisonous.

NADIA: “They must have gone mad with Lucio’s death.”

She tugs me closer behind her, but the dogs don’t try to approach. They just haunt our steps like specters, snarling and howling.

(Edit March 22: I just realized Nadia tugs MC closer behind her after seeing the dogs. She’s putting herself between MC and perceived danger, i.e. the dogs, further reinforcing her fear of losing MC and determination to protect them against anything. But sure, she doesn’t care about MC at all and is only using them for her own power.)

None of the posts I saw discussing Nadia’s treatment of the dogs ever mentioned that this happens in the magical realms, or that Nadia and MC discuss the forest’s visions being metaphorical immediately before the dogs’ appearance. Which is a shame, because it completely removes any context of the scene and does the double whammy of demonizing Nadia. 

I guess it’s easier and faster to type out “Nadia abused Mercedes and Melchior!” over “The magical forest in the Arcana realms manifested a bloody Mercedes and Melchior [whose sprites are their pomegranate juice sprites with a little bit of blood added] as a metaphor for the line that Nadia has crossed, i.e. killing Lucio, and the possible guilt that she is either not feeling at all or is feeling and is simply pushing away so she will not have to acknowledge it.” 

But the dogs’ mere presence — they follow always at a distance, like ghosts — is enough to force her to recognize it. She remarks that they must have gone mad, and moves on. She has come too far now to doubt herself. If she looks back, if she doubts herself, she is lost, and everything will have been for naught.

Part 2.3: The High Priestess

Leaving the icy forest, Nadia and MC come upon an old pavilion, where the High Priestess and Chandra await them. MC notes that “the dogs wait [behind us], never coming closer.” Further evidence that the dogs are metaphorical visions, not actually Mercedes & Melchior. 

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “You’ve strayed far from the path, child.”

NADIA: “High Priestess. What are you doing here?”

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “I was calling to you. Did you not hear?”

NADIA: “I have been quite busy, High Priestess. I did not have time to answer.”

Nadia’s personal card is The High Priestess. Reversed, the High Priestess means one is ignoring their own intuition and/or subconscious, to their detriment. In Asra’s Book X, Nadia states that her intuition is more like a curse than a gift, which certainly echoes here in the meaning of the High Priestess, Reversed: “Perhaps you doubt yourself or feel silly or guilty for listening to your intuition, and as a result, you deny your ability to tune in and receive this potent information.” 

This conversation also echoes Judgement, Reversed: “The Judgement reversed often appears when the Universe is trying to send you a message and invite you to something bigger, but you’re not listening. You are doing your best to pretend you didn’t receive it and are [...] hoping it will go away.”

The conversation continues:

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “And so I come to you. These are words you cannot ignore. If you continue down this path, Nadia, all will be lost to you. Your family. Your intuition. Your humanity.”

NADIA: “If I do nothing, I will lose it just the same.”

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “You know there is another option. You can bind the Devil instead.”

NADIA: “What, and lose MC instead? Slap the Devil on the wrist and throw him in jail? He’ll break free eventually. What’s a thousand years to an immortal being? This is the only way. The only permanent way.”

Note she corrects herself: the only permanent way. She understands there are other alternatives, but hers is best. When the High Priestess offers a solution, binding the Devil, Nadia angrily rejects it because of the risk it poses to MC, and she is unwilling to lose MC again.

It’s important to note that, within the course of a few hours:

Nadia went with MC to confront Lucio in the in-between realms, only to watch (helplessly! a thing she detests!) as Lucio stole MC’s body. (The Devil)

Nadia woke up without MC beside her in her Contemplation Tower, not knowing what Lucio had done or what had happened to MC until she went to the ballroom. (The Devil / The Tower).

Nadia had to send MC to the magical realms for their own protection, alone, where she could not protect them or ensure their welfare (The Tower).

Nadia watched MC struggle to unbind Vlastomil, suffering in the process. MC passes out, and reversed Nadia states that MC “almost died” unbinding Vlastomil (The Moon).

That is four experiences of Nadia being unwillingly parted from MC, either through separation or through a near death experience. That is why she refused to let MC go through the maze alone in The Star. That is why she is so set on not risking MC once again with the plan to bind the Devil. The scene continues:

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “In a thousand years there will be another like you to step up again. Why must you do everything yourself? Why must you alone fight this threat?”

NADIA: “Because I am the only one I can trust.”

Nadia turns away, anger flashing in her eyes.

NADIA: “You have wasted your time in coming here, High Priestess.”

me 24 hours ago, blissfully unaware of this conversation: mc has spent 20 chapters reinforcing that nadia is the only one nadia can trust me now: wow i hate being right :(

An essential component of the Tragic Hero’s cycle is the hero’s isolation: disgusted by or despairing of the hero’s choices, their family, friends, and allies abandon them, or the hero themself abandons their family, friends, and allies to self-isolate. In Nadia’s case, it is both. She rejects the High Priestess’s wisdom, confident in her own choices (or, at least, unwilling to show the High Priestess that she is anything but 100% confident). In doing so, she pushes the High Priestess away.

And then there’s Chandra, who lands on Nadia’s shoulder and “nips at her ear sadly.” (The tragic piano is still going strong in the background!) The High Priestess, seeing this, says that Chandra “mourns [Nadia’s] loss already.” MC notes that Nadia “swallows hard, stroking Chandra’s neck gently,” and then the following exchange happens:

NADIA: “Must I lose you too, Chandra?”

The owl chirps and flies off her shoulder, going to land next to the High Priestess instead.

NADIA: “... I see. You will come around in time. You will see how necessary this is. Until then... goodbye, my friends.”

Like the dogs, I’m inclined to believe that Chandra is a metaphor, and not the actual owl. Chandra has been with Nadia since her childhood; she is the only thing Nadia took with her, from Prakra to Vesuvia. Chandra abandoning her is another metaphor for how far Nadia has fallen: she is utterly separated from who she once was. She is now, completely, a new person, unrecognizable to her closest and longest friend.

NADIA: “I know I’m right. I know this is the only path to victory... So why won’t anyone listen to me? It feels like I’m speaking to a wall. Do they think me foolish? I’ve considered every possibility. I’ve examined every other avenue. This is the only course of action left. They think I cannot do this. They think me incompetent.”

This is after Nadia leaves the High Priestess, and before the Hierophant informs them that Valdemar and Vulgora are attacking the palace. Note the progression of her thoughts: frustration and certainty in her own decision; questioning why other people think her choice is the wrong one; re-affirming her certainty; assuming that people who do not support her plan are like that not because of any concern for her welfare, but because they doubt her capabilities. I know I am right, but no one listens to me; thus, they are not truly concerned for me — they only think I cannot do this. 

Implicitly, her thoughts that follow: Well, I am going to prove them wrong.

MC can either tell Nadia that they listen to her (to which Nadia praises MC, once again: You are special; you have always been by my side; I know I can trust you, unlike everyone else in the world), or that people who don’t listen are foolish. If the latter, Nadia agrees, saying that people who don’t listen to her end up not doing well, and cites Lucio as an example.

In either case, the exchange reinforces Nadia’s mindset, which has been shown through Nadia’s small vent: She feels as if no one is listening to her, and she is stubbornly convinced that her choice is the best one. She is frustrated that her friends and allies have turned against her, and she does not understand why, because clearly Her Choice Is Best. 

If MC says they are listening, it reinforces that MC is the only one Nadia can keep close (as close as she can allow; trust no one but yourself, after all, is her modus operandi). If MC says the others are the foolish ones, it reinforces that Nadia is Always Right, because when people don’t listen to Nadia, they end up going astray or being worse-off, which just feeds into the cycle of Nadia is Right >> People Who Don’t Listen To Her Are Wrong >> Those People Suffer or Fail >> Thus Proving Nadia Right.

Part 3: Her Sisters

For me, this was easily the most heartbreaking aspect of the book. Nadia leaves the High Priestess angry, and she and MC arrive in a vision of Lucio’s wing. Nadia remains unswayed, telling MC they must keep going (if she looks back, if she falters, she is lost!), but MC, if selecting “I think this is real,” convinces Nadia to go to the ballroom, because Nadia wonders about why her sisters and guards are not stopping the chaos. (Implied in this statement: Why are they incompetent? Why are they useless? Why does everything fall apart without me?) The music is played sped up and backwards, symbolic of how wrong things are without Nadia’s presence.

In the ballroom, MC and Nadia find Natiqa, Nasmira, and Nahara attempting to get the crowds to safety, but the crowd isn’t listening to the Satrinavas. Then Nafizah sees MC and Nadia, and the following absolutely gut-wrenching exchange occurs:

Suddenly Nafizah, who is standing off to the side of her sisters, turns her head and looks straight at us.

NAFIZAH: “Like looking through a mirror into the fog... Why are you so far from us, sister mine?”

NADIA: “You can see us? Of course you can. Why should I be surprised?”

NAFIZAH: “The others need you here. They flounder without your guidance.”

NADIA: “Need me? NEED ME?”

Nadia’s sprite when she says “Need me? NEED ME?” is not an angry sprite. It’s her laughing sprite. You can just hear the angry disbelief. NEED ME? What are you talking about? Immediately with her next line, her sprite transitions into anger.

NADIA: “Since when have any of you needed me for anything? Perfect Nafizah, always looking down your nose at me. All of you did!”

NAFIZAH: “We have only ever loved you, Nadia. As much as you have allowed. The people are in a panic. They will not listen to us. They do not respect us. You must return.”

NADIA: “I will not! All my life, none of you have ever listened to me! You always thought you knew best! I’m doing what has to be done. If I returned, it would give the true villain time to escape. I’m striking now. You will see. And don’t you dare die before I’ve proven myself.”

And don’t you dare die before I’ve proven myself. Holy shit. Cold, but understandable, when taken into the context surrounding Nadia’s relationship with her sisters.

The youngest of seven, Nadia has always felt inadequate to the rest of her sisters. That is clear even in the early route, when she worries that Nasmira will take MC away from her. She is obsessed with proving herself to her sisters. It’s why she married Lucio, to prove to her sisters that she could pull Vesuvia up by its bootstraps. Reversed, that obsession is maintained, and she has no reason to change because MC does not challenge her. 

When asking for her sisters for help in Book XIII Death, she blames the servants for the Masquerade troubles: “I have everything under control, of course. But the servants, they’ve made a mess of things.” It is not her fault that the Masquerade is not ready, it is the servants’; she has everything under control, she is perfectly adequate at hosting a party on such a grand scale. Do not blame me for these failures, sisters, blame others, it is they who are incompetent and untrustworthy, not me.

Now we have even more context for Nadia’s choice to replace the Devil. Not only does Nadia feel the need to achieve her impossible feat — defeating the Devil — for the sake of saving the world and her lover, but as the ultimate way to prove herself to her sisters. They can never consider her a vulnerable baby sister to be coddled and over-protected if she literally defeats the actual Devil.

In her Reversed route, she is still pressured to show both her sisters and herself that she is not the “baby” of the family, which she resents (see the bonus scene about Nadia’s birthday). Considering Nadia is the oldest of the cast, this is obviously a deep, deep wound that stretches back decades, if not her entire life. And MC’s choices did nothing to heal that wound, only keep it open.

Part 4: Wrap Up

Nadia in her Reversed route is a textbook tragic hero. She is a character of royalty (fulfilling antiquity’s requirement that tragic heroes be noble of some sort, because nobility’s fall is always more tragic than a commoner’s); she seeks to accomplish an impossible feat; she isolates herself from her allies, friends, and family; she has a fatal flaw, which is her hubris, aka her conviction that she is in the right no matter what. We have had 20 books of buildup leading to this: the climax of her negative character development. All that remains is the denouement (aka, defeating and replacing the Devil.)

I have every expectation that she will succeed in her impossible feat, but the consequences will be catastrophic. Perhaps she will have to (however unwillingly) isolate herself from MC forever. MC might even become the Fool Arcana to join her, but that is no guarantee that they could actually be together. The Arcana are meant to stay in their separate realms, after all.

The devs promised a bittersweet ending, or a tragic romance. Nadia’s route fulfills both, because the ending is focused on MC and their relationship to their LI, not necessarily the reader’s favorite character, which may hypothetically be a relatively minor antagonist relative to the rest of the route.

Part 5: Last Thoughts

thanks for coming to my ted talk

#nadia satrinava #the arcana #my meta #the arcana spoilers #if u liked this pls reblog i worked v hard umu

[alternislatronemhq]

Congrats, MOOKA, you have been accepted to AL for the role of ALASTOR MOODY (FC: Raul Esparza). Yessss, MOOODY. Mooka, you’ve done an excellent job of flushing out the kind of man that Alastor is and what motivates him. He’s known war and fighting his whole life being the son of two aurors and yet you also show so beautifully his capacity for real life, like friendship and laughter in the common room! I’m so excited to see you play him out in this plot! Please send in your blog (no sideblogs for first characters, please) in the next 24 hours and be sure to take a look at our new player checklist. Welcome home (once again), we’re so excited to have you join the family!

OOC

name — Mooka age — 24 pronouns — she/her timezone — PST (GMT-7) activity level — Fairly active ooc, and usually write one longer reply every other day Busy work schedule with weird hours, but more active on the weekends.

IC Overview

name — Alastor Moody faceclaim —, Raul Esparza, Craig Parkinson, Paddy Considine age — 48 gender — cis-Male, he/him sexuality — Pansexual patronus — Bison boggart — A burnt screaming corpse, the first death witnessed from the hands of the Dark Lord and his servants  when he was a young Auror 

IC In Depth 

personality traits — 

Determined: The impossible is possible. Moody believes anything can be accomplished with enough time, effort, and desire placed behind it. No corners are cut in his efforts at work, with Order missions, or ensuring the proper training of the newest recruits. One doesn’t take kindly to those who believe there is no hope in extinguishing the darkness in the world or making it a better place.

Loyal” Despite an outwardly gruff exterior, Alastor has a quick judge of character, latching quickly and deeply to those he believes he can trust. Too much of his thoughts lingering on ensuring his friends and his Aurors are safe, spending his own free time and sanity on completing 

Closed off: An Auror is a dangerous job, fighting against the Dark Lord and his followers is a death sentence. The idea of being harmed or killed to leave those behind with any form of regret or sadness is something to be avoided. How can someone miss you if they never knew you in the first place? Such thoughts cause Alastor to second guess the personal relations in his life, even though he knows it’s only human to bond with others. 

Paranoid: The scars of war came not only in the physical form. Already a nervous person from his youth, albeit a more healthy confliction, Alastor can never shake the feeling of being watched. Hunted. Overcautious in his personal life, not consuming foods or drink not produced in front of him to being wary of every person that appears to be moving in the  same direction on the street. 

character biography — 

Life is dangerous Alastor, one always has to be on your toes! An afterthought of a full career for two Aurors, yet he never felt as if he was a burden. His mother had a large laugh and hummed while about the house, his father in love with her ever waking moment of the day. But they were gone often, understandably, but a child could never completely rid the selfish feeling of being left behind.

He is to be an Auror, like his parents and those before them. It’s in their blood and Alastor doesn’t shrink away from the challenge. Hogwarts is everything that was promised and more, access to so much information Moody hardly has the time to consume as much as he desires. The friends a welcomed bonus to the rigors of academia, bliss such slate nights spent rolling with laughter, the camaraderie in the Gryffindor common room after a Quidditch victory are memories he holds close and often to his chest. How young and foolish they all were. 

Becoming an Auror is easy, a childhood of practice and words of those before him make the long hours and trials worth every body ache or jinxed limb. Yet the work is not as rewarding as one thought. Paperwork and a reason why things cannot be done with efficiency behind every corner. And it’s here when the reality of the depravity of wizardkind comes to light, how people treat one another purely based on their blood, yet the Ministry is slow and unable to protect their citizens while thumbs stand by idle. Of course he loves his job, loves the long hours and the small victories but Merlin! There is never enough done, a part of him lacking something in his life. 

The Order of the Phoenix was something that was missing. Something that actually mattered behind and the paperwork and mundane arrests of criminals. The fire and passion in the group, borderline erotic. Yet it takes almost everything from them, the breaking of trust, the exhaustion. Alastor finds it difficult to believe it simply ends one day, refuses to believe it just ends like that. And it comes as a painful relief to know it isn’t...even if they have to do it all again so soon.

(( Of course would add Minerva details to this if accepted! Minerva/Moody is an awesome ship I haven’t thought about before! Just didn't want to be presumptuous before chatting/plotting with Minverva’s mun! 

plot ideas — 

+All of the Order missions! Even if they do not have a great deal of actions (ie fighting) in them I love setting up scenarios for characters to have to talk about the deeper issues that come with war! Especially when they are fighting  against people they grew up with and spent years with at school. I think such great character growth comes when characters are 

+Trials from the first war? I know politics are slow and corrupt especially in the HP universe, revisiting war criminals from Voldemort’s first rise and digging up otherwise buried emotions people are putting behind them. Alastor has an awful habit of being unable to forget the past. 

+Auror training! Alastor is very eccentric as we know and his methods of teaching are very very unconventional. Constant vigilance would apply when Auror prospects are away from the Ministry as well! Moody would not be beyond kidnapping students from their beds and setting them off thinking they were captured by Death Eaters or some Dark creature only to be controlling the strings from behind the scenes. Of course he is also there when trainees might be struggling , offering helpful lessons or hope for the future. 

+Butting heads with the younger generations. Alastor is one of the most stubborn men you will ever meet, but that doesn’t mean he’s against change. The youth are what affect the future and would love to see some younger characters butt heads with him! On the other end would love to see Moody fight with people inside the Ministry in the more law making role. 

extra —

 I’m keeping Alastor’s injuries concurrent from the canon at this point if that’s fine with the admins! One fake leg, magical eye and heavy scarring on his face. 

#harry potter rp #hp rp #marauders era rp #marauders rp #al:accepted #alastor moody

[admiralty-xfd]

the things we do for love

Middle school again.

That’s what this feels like. Balloons bobbing on the ceiling. A disco ball spattering greenish lights around the room. Awkward innocence permeating the air. It doesn’t matter that the room is filled with adults; I’ve been transported back to my youth in an instant.

There’s an enormous rainbow made of plaster proclaiming its reverence for Kroner, Kansas, and the ridiculous amount of lights adorning it is worthy of its own X file. Not that I'd want to impugn this perfectly charming little town. It’s been a pleasant diversion. It seems like the kind of place in which Mulder really enjoys being.

I’m just not exactly sure why we’re still here. In fact, I’ve been wondering that for days.  

Mulder always does this; he has some power over me I can’t explain. Maybe it’s magic, or maybe it’s something else. But he just says the word and I’m off on whatever ridiculous adventure he has up his sleeve. Whether it’s Groom Lake or a haunted house or even a man controlling the weather, I’ll always find myself in the midst of it. Wherever he is, I have to be. I have nothing to justify or account for it; only the perpetual suspicion that he must be some kind of dark wizard.

I don’t generally believe in those sorts of things, but with Mulder around, I can never be quite sure.

The case has been wrapped and the thunderstorm has abated. None of this really matters at the moment, however, because now he’s taking my hand and pulling me towards him and before I can process what’s happening we are in a close embrace, dancing like a couple teenagers.

Mulder and I don’t dance. He doesn’t even know how, and neither do I, really. We’ve done this before exactly once. It was over a year ago which sounds insane when I say it to myself but really, the nature of our work makes time fly by so quickly it doesn’t feel that long ago.

It’s an excuse, an excuse to hold each other, like so many other excuses we make time and time again.

My mind flashes to the song the DJ was playing earlier: 10cc. The Things We Do For Love. It’s a song I know, a song I’m very familiar with. It’s one of those songs that brings forth a vivid memory that’s burnt into my brain the way any transformative experience would be.

Patrick Hansen, seventh grade. I saw him dancing across the school gym with Stephanie Ericson. It was the first time I felt my heart break, before I even knew the potential of such an ache.

Ooh you made me love you

Ooh you've got a way

Ooh you had me crawling up the wall

I can feel Mulder’s heart beating in sync with mine, pounding like crazy as he holds me close. I’ve been crawling up the walls ever since my lips were a breath away from his, from the moment he said all those things to me that turned my entire world upside down.

It isn’t often someone tells you you made them a whole person. It certainly isn’t often when it’s Mulder.

Communication is the problem to the answer

You've got her number and your hand is on the phone

The weather's turned and all the lines are down

The things we do for love, the things we do for love

We’ve been here before, him and me, on countless occasions. We never let anything happen, ever. Words have never been our strong suit when it comes to personal feelings. The affection is there, the care, dare I say it… the love. I know it is.

But there’s also something physical between us, an attraction that might actually kill us dead if we don’t just… put it out there at some point. Maybe that’s what Mulder was trying to do with that kiss. Six years of the kinds of glances we share has definitely taken its toll. It came as no surprise to me that we’d been mistaken as a couple on three separate occasions over the past 48 hours.

Not to mention the fact that I’m in love with him. I know it. I’m more certain about that than I’ve ever been about anything. And it’s getting harder and harder to keep that particular truth inside. I wouldn’t dare let Mulder in on this secret. When I confronted Sheila in the bathroom earlier I’d let out more honesty than I’d intended, but not in front of Mulder. I’m not ready for that.

I’m convinced we cannot take this leap. Not now, anyway. There’s too much work to be done. First we have to get the X files back. Our X files. Because they’re ours, his and mine. We need them and they need us and a physical relationship would get in the way of that. The Bureau would use just about any excuse in the book against us at this point.

Change is in the air for us, however, and we can both feel it. Now that we both know we wanted to kiss each other, this thing between us… it’s out there. The truth, oddly enough. I laugh to myself.

“What is it?” Mulder asks, startling me. I’d laughed out loud, apparently.

“Nothing, it’s nothing.” We’re in a weird state where we’ve revealed enough to each other already in his hallway, so he doesn’t press.

But then he takes my hands in his and drapes them behind him, around his neck, and puts his on my waist gently. I shouldn’t feel like my twelve-year old self again but I do. While this new position feels utterly appropriate in this setting I can feel myself trembling and hope to god he can’t tell how nervous I am. Our faces are so close together and my entire body is hot. It feels like it might spontaneously combust, in spite of my reservations on the likelihood of such a possibility. I want to believe he’s nervous too but his smile is just so damn disarming and he seems so cool and collected. His fingers are rubbing soft circles much too close to my ass to be merely friendly and its distracting as hell. He looks directly into my eyes and I can physically feel myself falling into them even more.

“Somewhere Over the Rainbow” is echoing around the gym but all I can think about is that fucking 10cc song and no amount of Judy Garland is going to chase it away at the moment.

Ooh you made me love you

Ooh you've got a way

Ooh you had me crawling up the wall

This isn’t fair. He shouldn’t be doing this to me; to us. This is hard enough already. Putting us in this position makes me feel exposed. I feel as if I should say something before these thoughts have the effect upon me they’re threatening to and I actually physically melt into his arms.

“What was that Holman said? Try what sometime?” I’m just making small talk. I don’t really care what Holman Hardt has to say about anything while Mulder is touching me like this.

“Oh..” he shrugs dismissively. “Just something we were talking about earlier. About me and… some girl.”

“Some girl, Mulder?”

“Mm-hm.”

“I thought you didn’t know what girls were?” I tease him. This is what we do. We can’t help ourselves. He chuckles and hesitates. I know he’s just being playful but it feels like he’s being careful as well.

“Well, I don’t, not usually,” he says. “But this one… this one is special.”

“Ah,” I say. Because I know he’s talking about me and I don’t have a reply. I never do in moments like this. It’s probably why we’re stuck in this mind numbingly infuriating limbo from which there is seemingly no escape.

I know what he’s trying to say. I’m not an idiot. It’s the same thing we try to tell each other every single day without telling each other anything. We’ve become experts at hiding our feelings, and the feelings we can’t hide, well… those are the ones we just sense when we look into each other’s eyes.

All I know is there’s a line we can’t cross, like crime scene tape stretched out between us. There are a million reasons we shouldn’t cross it so we don’t.

But, I mean… we’re FBI agents, after all. We’re allowed to cross crime scene tape, right?

Jesus Christ. I’m even trying to reason my way out of my own faulty metaphors. For fuck’s sake, Dana, get a grip.

“Anyways, I’m happy… for them,” he smiles, looking over my shoulder at Holman and Sheila. I crane my neck to look, trying to be discreet but there’s really no need; they only have eyes for each other. It gives me a nice feeling and I smile too. ”Must be freeing to acknowledge that kind of truth,” he continues.

“I imagine it is.”

I’m sure it is. I wonder how many more years it will take us to acknowledge a similar truth.

Without warning, my head relaxes into his chest. I don’t mean to do it, I swear. It just kind of happens. But I can’t move because… well, it just feels so damn good here in his arms. It feels like I don’t have a right to be here, but he’s allowing it. His fingers move into my hair, the heel of his hand just barely grazing the back of my neck and I shiver.

This is so stupid, so stupid. I shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be doing this. We have reasons, good reasons not to give in to this. My mind is racing a mile a minute and my insides are churning and if I had a power like Holman Hardt’s there’d be a hurricane sweeping into the gymnasium right about now.

Suddenly I’m aware my body is fully pressed against his in a way it hasn’t been before. How did this happen? I pull away a bit in surprise and my eyes betray what I definitely just felt.

“Sorry, it has a mind of its own,” he grins, those goddamn hazel eyes sparkling. I hadn’t said anything. Just swaying with him and feeling his erection against my hip. No big deal.

“And your two minds don’t align?”

Shit. Why did I say that? Why am I actively flirting with him while his hands are in my hair and his dick is pressed up against me like this? Our playful banter has always come so naturally I can only imagine, now knowing what we know, how it’s going to evolve.

Like walking in the rain and the snow

When there's nowhere to go

And you're feelin' like a part of you is dying

He chuckles at my retort and every sound he makes sends bolts of electricity right where it always does. I clench my thighs together in an attempt to disprove the very provable evidence of what he can do to me gathering there at this very moment. I’ve never wanted him to touch me so badly in our entire partnership and I’ve certainly wanted him to. A lot.

“Well, sometimes they do align,” he responds, that deep voice raising goosebumps all over me. “My brain just has more self control.”

Well, that’s great. I’m fucking thrilled his does.

Every ounce of my own energy is being directed into controlling myself. Into not throwing him down right here on this wooden gym floor and having my way with him, doing things to him that middle-school-aged me would never have been privy to.

I angle my head a bit so it’s right up next to his, as close as I can get with our height difference, and now we are positioned almost cheek to cheek, his mouth at my temple. I can’t see his face anymore and it’s unnerving, almost uncomfortable. Almost. His breath is hot. I can feel every single tiny hair on my skin at attention, just waiting for what’s next. I hold my breath, feeling as if we must be doomed to an eternity of waiting for what’s next.

His next words would take my breath away if I had any left in my body.

“I wish I’d kissed you, Scully… I wish I’d just done it years ago.”

He says it so quietly I can barely hear him. His thumbs are circling around and around at my neck now, every tiny motion feels so huge. Knowing what’s happening and not feeling able to act upon it is absolutely maddening. If he had… if he had kissed me long ago what would be different? We would be different. The weight of this moment wouldn’t exist.

And yet...

“I wish you had, too.”

It’s the truth. There isn’t a day that’s gone by since our near-kiss happened I haven’t had murderous thoughts about bees. Insects in general, really. Fuck them all.

His hands grab my face and he pulls back to look at me and it suddenly feels like we are back in that hallway again. This time, nothing would stop us. We both know it. But still, we hesitate. Before, such a moment was thrust upon us without warning. Now, we’re well aware of what’s at stake. We both don’t want things to change just as desperately as we do.

He pulls our foreheads together, which is typically a task considering our height difference, but the heels I’ve been standing on all day offer some assistance. I know my feet are killing me but I cannot feel them. All I can feel is this heat between us, this energy, this unfathomable, indescribable, unsolvable mystery that isn’t really a mystery at all. This kiss that’s hanging in the air, begging to happen, feels even more weighty now than it did back in that hallway.

But if we did… our worlds would change. We would change.

I’m overcome with longing and trepidation and my body is shaking again, and I know he can feel it.

“I’m not gonna try anything, Scully,” he says, his voice a low monotone. It sends a chill down my spine directly to the place I wish it wouldn’t. “I think it’s important… that we don’t. Right now.”

For a brief moment, I wonder if he’s misinterpreting my trembling body to mean I don’t want him to kiss me. But then I wonder if that’s true… do I want him to, now?

I’m terrified.

My eyes close and I picture his lips approaching mine, those lips I’ve become accustomed to staring at when I think he’s not looking. His tongue would move over mine, and I’d finally, finally get to taste him. What then?

I know what then. My mind wanders uncontrollably. It goes to a place I try not to let it unless I’m at home, in my own bed, my fingers desperately searching for relief. At home it feels safe and indulgent. Here and now these thoughts are downright dangerous.

But I could do it. I could just move my face an inch, just tilt it a tiny bit and he’d take the hint, I know he would. He’d make that journey.

Do I want him to?

Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river

Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea

Broken hearts. Lonely souls. It could happen to us. Nothing would be stopping us if the risk wasn’t real.

You lay your bets and then you pay the price

The things we do for love, the things we do for love

“I think you’re right, Mulder…” I whisper, moving my face against his scratchy cheek. He leans into me, and the shift is subtle but I feel it. His arms move from my neck down to my shoulders and he pulls me into him, sighing. He’s as disappointed as I am, but we both are still on the same page. We both know it’s the right decision.

For now.

We’re dancing again, really dancing. This dance has gone on for so long. But I’ll never tire of it.

A compromise would surely help the situation

Agree to disagree but disagree to part

When after all it's just a compromise of

The things we do for love, the things we do for love

This isn’t the time for us. This isn’t the place. I love him too much to do this. I love us too much. I love everything about our partnership.

We’re doing this, or rather not doing this, for love.

Thanks for reading! For more of my work, go here. 

#xfiles #x files #msr #fanfiction #fanfic #mulder and scully

[freespiritdani]

Okay, @freespiritdani, I wanna see how brave you are... The ASK ME STUFF list. All of them except the first one and the last one. Love ya lots, Mom.

Braver than you think, dear daughter! 

You should know be better than that, you’ve known me all your life....

Here goes:

2: Age -39

3: 3 Fears - flying, heights, snakes

4: 3 things I love - motorcycles, horses, being and living in the country

5: 4 turns on - intelligence, smile, heart, laughter

6: 4 turns off - body hair not on the scalp, bad hygiene, the male of the species, arrogance

7: My best friend - @cherokeesapphicangel 

8: Sexual orientation - lesbian and proud of it

9: My best first date - November 7, 2005, with the woman who would eventually become my world and my wife

10: How tall am I - 5′4″

11: What do I miss - things I’m no longer allowed to do post-heart attack

12: What time were I born - 6:12 AM

13: Favourite color - bright red

14: Do I have a crush - does my wife count?

15: Favourite quote - “Love is too beautiful to be hidden in a closet.”

16: Favourite place - at home, on the sofa, curled up next to my precious Angel

17: Favourite food - sushi

18: Do I use sarcasm - Now whatever gave you that idea? (in other words, yes)

19: What am I listening to right now - my precious Angel’s heartbeat

20: First thing I notice in new person - body language

21: Shoe size - 7

22: Eye color - chocolate brown

23: Hair color - black, no dyes.

24: Favourite style of clothing - “provocative”

25: Ever done a prank call? - yes

(where, perchance, is #26? LOL)S

27: Meaning behind my URL - I’m a free spirit.

28: Favourite movie - Hoodwinked!

29: Favourite song - “Niki Nana (We Are One)”, Yanni

30: Favourite band - don’t really have one

31: How I feel right now - very happy and content

32: Someone I love - my precious Angel (my wife)

33: My current relationship status - happily married

34: My relationship with my parents - they’re deceased (Mom in 2001, Dad in 2019)

35: Favourite holiday - Halloween

36: Tattoos and piercing i have - yes, classified (intimate)

37: Tattoos and piercing i want - Also classified (same reason)

38: The reason I joined Tumblr - Choices fandom

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? - you could say that....

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - from my daughters

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - How the hell do I know? I have no clue who you last texted!

42: When did I last hold hands? - right now

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - anywhere from 2 minutes to an hour

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? - uh, yeah!

45: Where am I right now? - lying in bed with my wife, all cuddled up

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - the mortician

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - yes

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - I’m alive and they’re not, so I’m going with “no”

49: Am I excited for anything? - Yes

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - Yes. My brother.

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? Whenever I meet an asshole that’s going out of his/her way to be annoying

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - a few minutes ago.

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - Not gonna happen

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - yes

55: What is something I disliked about today? - went by too quickly

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Oh dear god, that list is too long to whittle it down to just one LOL

57: What do I think about most? - a toss up between cooking for my wife and sex with my wife

58: What’s my strangest talent? - strange to whom?

59: Do I have any strange phobias? - I repeat, strange to whom?

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - Behind, if a camera must be involved at all.

61: What was the last lie I told? - that I had totally given up drinking about 8 months before I really did

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - neither

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and Yes

64: Do I believe in magic? - Yes

65: Do I believe in luck? - Yes

66: What’s the weather like right now? - cold

67: What was the last book I’ve read? - Cover to cover? The Rite by Jennifer Bene

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? No

69: Do I have any nicknames? - Yes, many, most of them not polite.

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? - Numerous in a car accident in 2018, most serious of which was a punctured lung

71: Do I spend money or save it? Spend. That’s why Angel is in charge of the money LOL

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? Whose tongue? With my own tongue, no.

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? *devilish grin* Yes there is....

74: Favourite animal? - Eagle

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - cumming

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - Artrip

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - “Show Me How You Burlesque”, Christina Aguilera

78: How can you win my heart? - (my wife already did LOL), show me you care about me.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - “Here lies a girl whose only crutch/Was loving one woman just a little too much”

80: What is my favorite word? - kitten

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - not without their permission

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - “If your religion causes you to be a bigot, something is wrong with your religion”

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - No

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - healing

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - If something happened to your wife and she died, how well would you take it?”

86: What is my current desktop picture? - See picture above question 2

87: Had sex? - Yes, as often as possible

88: Bought condoms? - no

89: Gotten pregnant? -Yes

90: Failed a class?- No

91: Kissed a boy? - Yes, unfortunately. 

92: Kissed a girl? - Yes, and I liked it

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - Yes

94: Had job? - Still have job

95: Left the house without my wallet? - Yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet? - Not that I’m aware of

97: Had sex in public? - Yes, more than once

98: Played on a sports team? - Yes

99: Smoked weed? - Yes

100: Did drugs? - Yes

101: Smoked cigarettes? - Yes

102: Drank alcohol? - Yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - HELL no

104: Been overweight? No

105: Been underweight? No

106: Been to a wedding? Yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Yes

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Yes

109: Been outside my home country? Yes

110: Gotten my heart broken? Yes

111: Been to a professional sports game? Yes

112: Broken a bone? Yes

113: Cut myself? Intentionally, no. Accidentally, yes

114: Been to prom? Yes

115: Been in airplane? Yes, once, when I was 8 years old. Had to be sedated because I panicked big time

116: Fly by helicopter? If being life flighted from an accident scene to the nearest hospital counts, then yes.

117: What concerts have I been to? Yanni, Christina Aguilera, Melissa Etheridge

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? DUH, I’m lesbian! My crushes by definition are Lesbian

119: Learned another language? Yes

120: Wore make up? Yes

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? Yes

122: Had oral sex? Yes

123: Dyed my hair? No

124: Voted in a presidential election? Yes

125: Rode in an ambulance? Yes

126: Had a surgery? Yes

127: Met someone famous? Yes

128: Stalked someone on a social network? No

129: Peed outside? Yes

130: Been fishing? Yes

131: Helped with charity? Yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? Yes

133: Broken a mirror? Yes

134: What do I want for birthday? To be with family, especially my wife

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? Already have them, Marti and Staci

136: Was I named after anyone? First name, no. Middle name, my maternal grandmother

137: Do I like my handwriting? no

138: What was my favourite toy as a child? my teddy bear

139: Favourite Tv Show? Mythbusters (off the air now)

140: Where do I want to live when older? Where I live now

141: Play any musical instrument? Piano, violin, harp, didgeridoo

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? Heart surgery

143: Favourite pizza toping? Pineapple (sue me)

144: Am I afraid of the dark? No

145: Am I afraid of heights? Deathly afraid

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Yes to both

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Yes

148: What I’m really bad at - Taking credit for anything

149: What my greatest achievments are - raising 2 amazing daughters

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me - “The only thing you’ll ever amount to is being a pretty cum dumpster”

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery - retire

152: What do I like about myself - my body

153: My closest Tumblr friend - my sister

154: Something I fantasise about - not being so short

[shawn-does-stuff]

Shawn Mendes: ‘I’m 20. I want to have fun’

by Michael Cragg

Shawn Mendes is the red-hot poster boy of pop. His videos have been viewed 6bn times and he has more than 42m followers on Instagram. But don’t worry if you haven’t heard of him… just ask a teenager

Shawn Mendes is standing in his underpants in a suite on the fifth floor of a London hotel as a 200-strong crowd of screaming teenage girls gathers outside. “Everyone who doesn’t need to be in the room, leave the room,” he says politely but firmly, in a soft Canadian drawl. Pop’s current poster boy should be used to causing a stir. His #MyCalvins campaign (following in the footsteps of Justin Bieber in 2016) broke the internet earlier this year, inching the 20-year-old teen phenomenon – three US chart-topping albums, 30m monthly listeners on Spotify, more than 6bn video views – closer to tabloid supremacy and global domination.

At the Brit Awards that night, Mendes will cringe as presenter Jack Whitehall ribs him about “suspicious packages”, so it’s curious to hear him describe the Calvin Klein opportunity – and the subsequent results pored over by his 42m Instagram followers – as “a goal of mine at the top of 2018. As much as it’s a stepping stone for me to play a stadium, it’s a huge moment for me to step in front of a camera and take my shirt off. I don’t see one being less meaningful than the other.”

The air is thick with earnestness as we sit down for lunch in the hotel restaurant. I blurt out a question about whether he had to wear extra padding. “No,” he says, eyebrow raised. “They’re really good underwear.” Did they send you some free ones? “Yeah, I have boxes of them at home.” He lifts up the bottom edge of his T-shirt and pulls at the waistband of his underwear before quickly pulling his shirt back down. You’re not wearing them today are you? “Not right now,” he says sheepishly. “I should be.”

Mendes’s boy-next-door appeal and laser-guided ambition feels rather wholesome, with his sensitive, heart-on-sleeve pop-rock bops such as 2015’s UK chart-topper Stitches, positioning him as perfect boyfriend material in pop’s all important fantasy world. If Bieber is the unknowable loose cannon, then Mendes is pop’s picture-perfect head boy. But it’s clear that exposing himself so literally has its downside. “The last 48 hours have been so consuming, just reading what people are saying about me [on social media],” he sighs. Do you have to read it? “No, but there’s something about being human that makes you. I’m scared of social media and how much it affects me,” he continues. “It’s literally become infused with who I am.”

Last October he apologised to his 21m Twitter followers, claiming he was worried that what he was posting wasn’t meaningful enough. “For the first time I realised how many people are listening,” he says. He now monitors how often he goes online and tries to take regular breaks, using meditation to relax. “I don’t think of myself as conceited, but I definitely spend a lot of time reading about myself,” he says.

Mendes famously has three daily rules – going to the gym, two vocal lessons and never saying no to a selfie with a fan. He’s managed the first two so far and “took about 200 selfies yesterday”. Despite this, his rise has chimed with a shift in the upper echelons of pop – its recent exponents being anti-pop stars Adele, Ed Sheeran and (with her goofy dancing style and eternal quest for relatability) Taylor Swift, who’s now a friend. Even One Direction – whose blend of teen-orientated, guitar-led pop paved the way for Mendes – always felt like they were trying to play down the pop star element.

“The more open the world is getting, the more people are craving real,” he says. “I don’t think people want to see a made-up person. [In the past] there’s been a lot of dressing up, and I still think that stuff is amazing – like I’ll wear a sleeveless top – but at the end of it, when it comes down to you, I think it’s about being authentic.” For all this talk of authenticity and being like everyone else, I tell him, you’re also a pop star begging people to look at you. Do you have to believe your own hype? “Of course,” he says, his eyes darting over my shoulder to the mirrored wall behind. “You have to. If you wake up every day and say, ‘I’m OK,’ you’re going to just be that. If you wake up everyday and look at yourself in the mirror and say, ‘I’m great, let’s go sell out that stadium,’ then you will.”

You could say he’s been in motivational training for a while now, having started out as a 14-year-old YouTube star, uploading acoustic covers of songs (Bieber, among others), before switching to the now defunct social media platform Vine. He taught himself to play the guitar via YouTube tutorials at home in the small town of Pickering, Ontario, while one of his first public performances was in a plaza in Portugal where his family – mum Karen, a British estate agent, dad Manny, a Portuguese businessman, and younger sister Aaliyah – were holidaying. While his parents were shopping, Mendes hopped up next to a statue and belted out a Bruno Mars song. “I was sweating and I thought, ‘Dude, if you want to be a singer, you’ve got to at least be able to stand on this statue and sing,’” he says of that moment.

Where was that pressure coming from? “It was from myself, which is pretty much a big statement on my personality at 14 years old.”

While he says he loved school, his early fame – after signing to Island Records his debut single, Life of the Party, was released when he was just 15 – meant he was bullied. “People were cruel at first,” he says, clearing his throat and fiddling with the rim of a cup of green tea. “They just thought it was so stupid.” He’d skip school every Friday to attend influencer events in which social media stars met fans who already assumed they were friends. “I was taking 1,500 selfies a night,” he laughs. “You quickly learn that what you love to do is a job, but I don’t resent what I do. I don’t hate taking selfies.”

Success was rapid, with his third single Stitches breaking the US top five and peaking at number one in the UK. That same year he supported Swift on her 1989 stadium tour. How did he cope? “This life is more real to me than anything,” he says. “If I were to walk down the street and no one recognised me, I’d feel something was wrong. When I was really young [fame] morphed who I was. If it was to become normal, it would feel un-normal to me.”

From the outside, I say, the other recent pop artists who can relate to that are Britney Spears or Bieber, people who have had issues with growing up in the spotlight. “A couple of times I’ve worried about that, too, but outside of all this I live a really normal life,” he says slowly. “You have to make an effort to carry your own bags, drive your own car and not be afraid of the public. I don’t blame people at all who stay inside. I understand how it could be terrifying to go to a restaurant and eat because you’re scared someone’s going to take a photo of you.”

Is that more intrusive than a selfie? “I’ve been so lucky that fans have been taking photos of me eating since I was 15, so I’m a little bit numb to it,” he says, his tone rarely deviating from preternaturally calm. There’s probably an Instagram account called Shawn Mendes Eating, I joke (I check later and while there’s no account, there is a hashtag to follow). Can it feel as if he’s being watched? “I’m inherently [aware of] that all the time.” If it ever gets too much, he leaves rather than making a scene. Are you a people-pleaser, I ask? “Yeah, is that bad?” he smiles. “It can lead to failure, but if I fail trying to please everyone, then that’s OK.”

Mendes spends a lot of time contemplating people’s perceptions of him. Last year he publicly criticised a Rolling Stone cover story, expressing his regret that “the positive side of a story doesn’t always get fully told”. I assume it’s because the piece mentioned his penchant for smoking weed, a detail that had upset some fans. “That didn’t bother me,” he smiles. “Actually, I was happy about that because maybe it’s OK for them to understand that weed’s not a big deal.” He says he hasn’t smoked in three months.

Another part of the story focused on rumours about his sexuality. “For me it’s hurtful,” he says. “I get mad when people assume things about me because I imagine the people who don’t have the support system I have and how that must affect them.” (In late 2017 he posted an emotional Snapchat story: “First of all, I’m not gay. Second of all, it shouldn’t make a difference if I was or wasn’t.”) He sighs and says: “That was why I was so angry, and you can see I still get riled up, because I don’t think people understand that when you come at me about something that’s stupid you hurt so many other people. They might not be speaking, but they’re listening.”

He says the reason he criticised the article was over a small detail in which he mentioned Dua Lipa and her boyfriend, and how amazing it looked to be in love. “It made me seem so creepy,” he says. “If anything, the article made me realise your career isn’t over if people think you’re not perfect.” You could see how the creepy singleton tag might irk him, and also why it might stick – a lot of Mendes’s biggest singles play on the idea of him as the emotionally needy bloke who gets messed around and comes back for more.

Are you bored of being The Nice Guy? He splutters, clears his throat and sits bolt upright. “Yeah, I am! It sounds so stupid – to be a nice person is the best thing in the world – but, yeah, I’m 20 and I just want to have fun. What I don’t want to do is live the rest of my life thinking, ‘I wouldn’t do that because I’m known as Prince Charming.’ The second that someone corners you into a personality, you don’t want to be that person any more.”

Two weeks later, Mendes is onstage in Amsterdam. In keeping with the floral artwork for his recent self-titled album, a 50ft rose snakes up to the ceiling from the so-called B-stage where he’ll later serenade the throngs of teenage fans and nodding dads with a handful of ballads. Replica light-up roses (€20 a pop at the merch stand) bob about in the dark as Mendes runs through a hugely entertaining, PG-13 simulacrum of a rock show to ear-bleeding screams (“God I’m so old,” a woman sitting behind me yells as she surveys the crowd).

Keen to further align himself with the pantheon of rock’s smiliest exponents, tonight Mendes segues from a cover of Coldplay’s big-hearted anthem Fix You into his own, the Kings of Leon-esque In My Blood, a song that surprised fans by touching on depression. Tonight it’s transformed – with the help of a ticker tape explosion – into something close to catharsis.

“There’s nothing like being on stage – you feel like Superman!” he’d said earlier, claiming it to be better than sex or any high. “My goal now is to enjoy what I do more and more because otherwise it doesn’t fucking matter. I used to think it was all about the crowd, but I have to be happy within myself.” As he takes his millionth selfie, his face radiating pure elation, you believe he might be.

Shawn Mendes plays London O2 on 16, 17 and 19 April

Fashion editor Helen Seamons; grooming by Anna Thompson using Bobbi Brown and Monat; lighting by Michael Furlonger and Tilly Pearson; digital operator John Munro; fashion assistant Penny Chan; shot at 12th Knot, seacontainerslondon.com

#shawn mendes #shawn peter raul mendes #observer magazine #the observer

[manjuhitorie]

Muro Festival, is a rock festival! Which invites newcomers, upcoming artists, veteran come-on-ers, and all hard song enthusiasts alike to celebrate. Named after Muro Kiyoto, who is the manager of a Shibuya concert venue. As an avid enforcer of music events he’s esteemed by many in the scene, so the event draws in people who are driven by the fuel of that pass. At least bands will comment “Muro fest is an adhesive (Arukara)” or “The number one trait of Murofes is that the performing bands have awesome strong connections even on the side, and that the essence of that friendship engulfs it (Wasure).“ or “Even if Murofest was hosted at a small park or a in the middle of the street or in Muro’s house or even in a public toilet, I would perform. I love Murofest (Mizuno Gii).” 

Anyway the performances are full of power! Full of summer heat! Full of maudlinism to soar like Muninn! Full of a favorite: there’s Hitorie’s dead pan heartfelt bassist, ygarshy! 

And you were able to watch it on a niconico livestream but...

 IT’S ENDED NOW

 I will preserve this post as a report.... Doubling as a source for various trivia....  I’m considering maybe if a fan makes a purchase of a Wasureranneyo album, or something of similar sentiment, and DM’s me a screenshot, I could share the recording... Even if you see this in a billion lightyears from now. Because sharing is caring, all around yeah!!!

You have to get niconico premium to watch it, which is only 540 yen. Nothing compared to the fest’s ticket fee of 10,000 yen (Plus airfare fee for us overseers). You can use foreign debit cards, or even Paypal… ! Much of the performances were locked up, only for Premium members originally even for those who were able to watch real-time, so there’s no regrets in seizing the now. Thumbs up. Live shows enhance a whole different essence, so more than listening to a J-rock playlist on Spotify I’d recommend taking a dive into this while you can!!

Not only can you upfront witness the air around their electric pickguards warp to their technique, you can see them hop and whomp and throwmp around! What chords they clench with their teeth, what lines they unleash from the pit of their lungs, what parts the band will huddle together for and what songs mean the world to them! Also the crowds reactions, I move when I see them move, in polysemy. If there’s any niche J-rock band names you’ve maybe been curious about, or just want to find some new indie J-rock, the artist line-up is here! LAMP ON TERREN: wowawawa’s best buddy ‘Dai-chan’ is in there… *Waves hand* TERREN were once scheduled for a joint live with perfect timing, so they brought a birthday cake for wowaka and they got friendly with Rie... or so they thought.. The next day SND was ready to beat the shit out of them on stage. But they’re all friendly now (I think)))) Arukara: They master the standard rock setup with wads of distortion, wah effects, while sometimes make instrumental songs with violin etc. even! They do podcasts! And they reinforce cats a lot. I recommend Chigirero.  majiko: Village Man’s Store: Who are the band with bright red suits, bright firey songs, and bright red lips who kissed Shinoda that one time - In seriousness I could recommend them though, they’re sweet with only a little taste of the sleazy!  KAKASHI are rejoiced by quite a few Hitorie fans I know. There’s CIVILIAN: A three-piece whom all graduated from the Tokyo School of Music Shibuya, the bonds roam, who also hosts Nanou HoehoeP, another past utaite like majiko. LEGO BIG MORL: Sukippara ni Sake: Who are swanky with Kachāshī-like dances to the stretches of never making a boring song. And so so many more! J-rock band names start to make more less sense the more I’m in here! Wahoo! A band named Hitorie performed two years ago, and there’s LEGO BIG MORL this year, which is hoisted up by the same manager as Hitorie, Mika Arara! The members separately will some participate in cooking shows(), some each do acoustic shows on their own accord, each ego-search, and their stoic songs together are bound to at least make your foot tap from their flavored textures. For this sake I’m eyeing up the band’s particularly memorable whiz named Hiroki Tanaka. Hiroki is not most notable for his #My ygarshy hashtag, but for the sake of this he is. Under the tag is either Hiroki posting a picture of him together with ygarshy or him commenting #My ygarshy on pictures ygarshy of himself with others. Or the “What? Are you a couple?” on ygarshy’s “It’s our 9th year anniversary” photo of him with SND… yg “Sorry.” In general ygarshy and Hiroki are friendly, they drink and vent together time to time.Also Hiroki and Shibata Takahiro, the character who comes in soon, have a unit called Takahiroki. Which is the two of them fused to make flurry, with only an acoustic guitar and a mic as their weapons even!  Their concerts tend to break the norms of the non-flamboyant J-rock scene, as they screw around with their power with no real point, just a joint to a jollity! Where as many J-rock shows will use screens of music visualizers to engross, Takahiroki will use the crowd by galvanizing them raise their signature rainbow towels or make explosive call-outs towards the flames of reality. Where many will use subdued dance to party, Takahiroki will chit-chat about food and females as they swing their limbs like spinning amusement park rides or dress as bartenders and drink . Though all rock shows are have their unique tricks and spirit, it’s nice to see it super shaken up also… I introduce these two for good reason! It’s background for what’s feautured in the niconico livestream! The band Wasureranneyo! That Shibata is on vocals and guitar, that Hiroki is on main guitar, our ygarshy is on bass, and Takayuki Tomita is on drums! Tomita is from a band called THE LOVE NINGEN, whom I’m not sure how came into relation with Shibata, but Wasurerannee yo is constantly borrowing members to fill it’s blanks due to . ygarshy has been consistent for more than half a year now! Hiroki also bounces in whenever he can an ex. Wasurerannee yo member once filled in for Love Ningen. They themselves most likely meet at festivals like this! Where similar bands get together under a sonic medium and spend the crepuscle ball. But I’m going back to ygarshy! Him! His performance is a spotlight!

the important part     THE SHOW    highlights 

Wasureraneeyo start at 1:27:28, end at 1:58:39. You can manually copy-paste, and it’s a whole 30 minutes action-packed. There's about 48 hours before a the single watch instance will expire, but it's possible to close the window and come back anytime between then.

The first 5+ minutes are rehearsal, they’re muted to give the live-goers an extra extra incentive. It’s still worth a peak to see how musicians will stroll as they test. They played their theme song and also a cover of Alexandros’ Wataridori there’s nothing worth hearing anyway right (*wails).

The rest is 100% worth the buck!  ●Shibata starts off by whimpering over an urge he needs to burst out, he needs everybody to cheer him on. When he Says “Miyamoto - Ryou!”, you have to shout “You can do it!” Note: Miyamoto and Ryou are a comedian duo, who just days ago were revealed to the victims of a corrupted corporation, who was holding absolute control over them. People have cheering for them to win better circumstances in the case. Yet the apologies and the press conferences have been fantasy football battles.... Ugh... It's a riot for sure though! Official news reports are here or here or etc. ●He gets everyone to wiggle their arms 90° angles above their heads “like we’ve gone crazy!” and shout a nonsensical “Yossoi hoi hoi!” chant! With the heat as the beat! yga just plays bass! ●He makes noise for his mom, multiple times throughout! His T-shirt even has his mom on it! Specifically a picture of 2 year old himself being embraced by his mother printed on it, with the word “Mother” metallically written on the back… Source from his past diary entry of him expressing his maternal love. I can’t believe this ygarshy no wonder you can’t help but smile a lot during these shows. ●He complains about the shitty time he “went out drinking when he two cute girls walked through the door in, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ he thought, only for them to start chit-chatting about how small their boyfriend’s dicks are! What kind of damnation is this bullshit!” ●The lyrics are about that stuff anyway!! ●There’s also a special appearance from Kanata Takehiro, the vocalist of LEGO BIG MORL. Shibata bitches at him mid-solo because “Fuck you! All the girls are staring at you now damn it!” *He is actually popular in the band due to being good and cooking and math and being an overall goofball behind the gallantries. The original of Odore Hikikomori features Hiroki and Sekihan, of Happy Head NANIYORI also he was in the niconico scene a long time ago, both dressed in clothes that you may find very unlikely but 100% plausible. ●ygarshy smiles and then recalibrates his hair over his eyes to look like a dark souls boss faceless again. He holds his bass with the neck upwards, he’s reviving his high school orchestra club bass playing sensibility. Virtuoso. The high tempo of Wasureraneeyo’s songs is definitely on par with Hitorie’s, Rie's irregular metres, swapping, interchanging and 456 metres are monstrous, but the sheer volume of tutti and strumming in Wasure’s punk songs seems to be something else as well…! yganbare!! ●Also don’t worry about those missed minutes because Shibata crowd-surfs again. This time with cash in his hand a mission! Saying “I’m glad to be here! Take me to the cute beer darling!”, as he is driven by the hands of the compliantly ecstatic crowd towards a staff member waiting in the middle of the crowd, holding up your average beer! Shibata trades the cash for the cup, he orders everyone to gather under him, “I can’t stand up if you’re pushing my ass! Oh now I can thank you”, and at last he gains the support to stand up! On top of a crowd for God's sake he rises. To glug the beer like a food chain top predator of the wild. Then to slide back to stage while crying for his mom again.

●Hiroki physically shoves ygarshy around while they have the stage to themselves. Ahh how the tables turn, the kicker to the pushee. ●In his black robes ygarshy is just such a trance to witness play throughout… It’s really great in motion and as a whole I love dirty rock concerts. Music has to be heard, my lumberous lumpy text can’t convey those sound waves… So give it a watch if you may have free time to do so! Only if you can please!  Source for comments and some info: https://skream.jp/feature/2019/06/muro_festival_2019.php  More photos and videos can be found on their official twitter! Photos by Suzuki Kouhei woah...

#Watching the scene change from day to night was cool I want to go #The other bands are interesting enough they all deserve to be highlighted but my favoritism keeps me sticking here #ヒトリエ #ygarshy #hitorie

[artemis-crimson]

@onewhoturns tagged me!

1.) Real name: Clara 2.) Nicknames: Arty? 3.) Zodiac Sign: Capricorn! 4.) Gender: Female? 5.) Nursery: Dunno what this mean, it’s a solid word though I guess? 6/10 6.) Primary School: Oh! It’s about what happened when we went to school! Fucking miserable but hey figured out I was bi as all hell  7.) Secondary School: Gee I sure hope so 8.) Hair Color: Dark brown 9.) Long or Short: Short but I’m growing it out again 10.) Loud or Quiet: Loud but it’s funny to walk around for hours and nobody notices you’re there or if you where there and now you’ve been missing for ages 11.) Sweats or Jeans: Fuck pants dude, skirts. I wear skirts 12.) Phone or Camera: Phone! My camera is old and fills up fast 13.) Health Freak: I’m here for a good time not a long time 14.) Drink or Smoke: Unfortunately 15.) Do You Have A Crush On Someone: Yeah! I have a girlfriend, I love her! 16.) Political orientation: Left? Society is to serve humanity, governments exists to protect their people, everyone deserves a fair chance, ect? 17.) Piercings: I’ve just got my ears pierced but microdermal piercings are kinda really pretty too 18.) Tattoos: Also pretty but piercings are better cause they fucking sparkle, look at that there’s fucking metal in your skin and you can have cute things or fucking gems attached  HAVE YOU EVER [BEEN IN]: 19.) Airplane: Fuck yeah! And a helicopter! I love flying! 20.) Car *Accident*: A truck bumped me once? 21.) Fist Fight: Several! Many? More sanctioned ones than just brawling and I think that’s rather mature of me FIRSTS: 22.) First piercing: Ears 23.) First Best Friend: A girl named Olivia! I’ve known her since kindergarten and we’re still friends 24.) First Instrument played: I played the xylaphone and glockenspiel at school and I was the worst at it 25.) First award: I won a medal for the best grades in the worst class in high school, I’m only counting the things I actually worked for and not participation or consolation prizes cause y’know, they don’t count 26.) First Crush: In retrospect probably one of my friends from when I was little and clueless but first one from post oh shit I’m queer realization is said girlfriend 27.) First Language: English. 28.) First Big Vacation: I went to Hawaii with my whole family on my mums side (and my dad) for my oma and opa’s anniversary  LASTS: 29.) Last Person you talked to: My little sister! 30.) Last Person You Texted: Ana! who is the girlfriend I keep mentioning 31.) Last Person You Watched: I was watching Prey stuff to reference something earlier? Last human would also be my sister who I watched get a blanket for the plus nineteen degrees celsius heat the absolute madwoman 32.) Last Food You Ate: Pizza! meaty meat pizza 32.) Last Movie You Watched: Infinity war unfortunately, I wanted to see the moon throwing scene so I skipped through everything for that. 34.) Last Song You listened to: Bad Believer by St Vincent 35.) Last Thing You Bought: Poutine and bubble tea 36.) Last Person You Hugged: This is depressing, I don’t know. Does my PC count? I needed to adjust it again and that’s the last thing of any importance I’ve touched in a while now soooo FAVES: 37.) Food: Chocolate! Fish! Meat! Bread! Sugar! Curry! Ice cream! 38.) Drinks: TEA! Hot Chocolate! Milk! Horchata! Bubble tea! Soda! Port! 39.) Clothing: Comfortable skirts and t shirts with hoodies/sweaters and fuzzy leggings and scarves but it’s too warm for that 40.) Book: Tin Star by Cecil Castellucci 41.) Color: Purple! especially lavender 42.) Flower: Also lavender  43.) Music: Miracle of Sound! he’s got lots of different genres, Hozier and Seeming are great too and a bunch of video game soundtracks are great too 44.) Movie: Pacific Rim I think 46.) Subjects: Science! I want to know how everything and everyone works and then I want to help all of it

IN THE PAST YEAR I… 47.) [ ] Kissed in the rain 48.) [ ] Celebrated Halloween. 49.) [ ] Had Your Heart Broken 50.) [x] Went Over the Minutes on Your Cell Phone  51.) [x] Someone Questioned Your Sexual Orientation. It’s a constant state of denial babe 52.) [x] Used a Weapon Technically 53.) [x] Breathed fire I inhaled a candle flame that count? 54.) [ ] Had an Abortion 55.) [x] Done something you’ve Regretted   56.) [ ] Broke a Promise 57.) [x] Kept a Secret 58.) [x] Pretended To Be Happy 59.) [ ] Met Someone Who Changed Your Life 60.) [ ] Pretended To Be Sick 61.) [ ] Left The Country 62.) [ ] Tried something you normally wouldn’t like, and liked it. 63.) [x] Cried Over The Silliest Thing 64.) [x] Ran a Mile 65.) [ ] Went To the Beach 66.) [ ] Stayed Single CURRENTLY: 67.) Eating: Avoiding sleep 68.) Drinking: Oolong tea 69.) Getting Ready To: Sleep 70.) Listening To: I did forget to change this whoops, I’m listening to this https://youtu.be/4MN8gw6S4kM 71.) Plans For Tomorrow/Today: Berry farm trip! 72.) Waiting For: Sleep YOUR FUTURE: 73.) Want Kids: Not especially? I don’t think I’d be good at it 74.) Want To Get Married: Yeah! I’m sappy and it’s useful incase someone is hospitalized or for taxes or wills or visas which is less sappy and more practical but is there anything more romantic than making sure your partner has safety nets and an easier life? Huh? 75.) Careers in minds: I want to help people, I just don't know how yet? WHICH IS BETTER ON A GIRL/GUY: (again blatant nb/gq/ag exclusion) ON A PERSON/PARTNER: 76.) Lips or Eyes: ...Eyes? 77.) Shorter or Taller: All the same to me? 78.) Romantic or Spontaneous: This is vague and weird really, like what if you think romance is spontaneity? however since it’s capitalized I’m assuming you mean like the Romance period and I think that’s pretty good 79.) Nice Stomach or Nice Arms: Also weird! who wants their partner to get sick? I don’t want them to get sick? Arms are for holding, stomachs are for eating these things are not related  80.) Sensitive or Loud: None of these questions make any fucking sense 81.) Hook-up Or Relationship: Relationship? 82.) Troublemaker or Hesitant: These things are not mutually exclusive either HAVE YOU EVER: 83.) Lost Glasses/Contacts: My glasses once got smacked off my face with a boom and into a reservoir 84.) Ran Away From Home: Nope 85.) Held A Weapon, For Self Defense: I do not believe it has been self defence technically no 86.) Killed Somebody: I’m onto you you dirty cops 87.) Broken Someone’s Heart: Sure hope not! 88.) Been Arrested: Can’t catch meeeeee DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 90.) Yourself: I am here, I am trying, I am failing, I will try again or I will die, there’s no belief involved 91.) Miracles: Sort of? Not really? I don’t think the universe is going to make anything happen for a reason kind or cruel 92.) Love at First Sight: No, love needs you to know someone 93.) Heaven: Nope! 94.) Santa Claus: Nope? Never have, wrong cultures for Santa  95.) Easter Bunny: Nope, wrong cultures again 96.) Magic: I’m not sure, insufficient evidence ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 97.) Is There One Person You Wanna Be With, Right Now: Yes! Cause I’m taken! Am dating! Have girlfriend, I’m girlfriend! It’s great! 98.) Are You Seriously Happy With Where You Are, In Life: Nope! Can’t remember ever being truly seriously happy but that’s alright though cause nothing lasts forever and either I’ll get around to it eventually or I just won’t? No point in worrying 99.) Are You Happy With The Person You’re With: Also yes! Incredibly! I try to not get started cause I’m told I can be insufferable about it but so very very happy 100.) Post as 100 Truths and Tag five People: this is more 99 truths ain’t it, so here’s the last one, I am constantly terrified my plants will die but act tough in front of them cause someone has to not wilt under pressure 

@alienhazy, @nightcoreapologist, @kajafrompluto, @criticalrolo, @elvenorc

#ask & answer by artemis

[flusteredmountainman]

Since a bitch got sent one (1) ask only about. my ask meme that I created lol I’m going to go through and answer B) all of them bc i can... its selfcare.....

First 3 answers above the cut, other 47 below lmfao

Favourite of the main 6? I think the title of my blog speaks for itself lol

Least favourite of the main 6? Garbage stink piss man (Lucio)

Which of the main 6 do you want to slap the most? The aforementioned piss man but.... also kjaenfjkfea at times. Julian very badly because he’s just Like that but he’d probably enjoy that unfortunately

^

^

^

Which of the main 6 have the most similar interests to you? (favourite colour, flower, food, drink, season, hobbies etc.) Portia tbh!!! She’s a very sweet spring girl and I also have a fairly similar personality to her. 

Who has the most tragic backstory? Mmmm.....muriel.......... I mean everyone has a pretty sad past but Muriel’s really is something else. The man is Heavily traumatised and I desperately want to give him a hug :(

Favourite side character? Mazelinka.... adopt me challenge kjaefkjnaf. i cant stop thinking about “goat bitch” what a fucking icon

Favourite animal friend?  Faust!!!! shes a good girl!!!

Best/worst of the courtiers? fuck i dont remember any of their names but valerius is. hot basard. worst is vlastomil hands down im kinkshaming anyone who wants to fuck the worm

Fuck, marry, kill (asker’s choice) Well skajfnkajf I’ve shot myself in the foot but. TBH its like. Marry Muriel, fuck everyone else, kill Lucio (full disclosure I only just finished julians upright ending and haven’t played Nadia’s yet so this may change except for wanting to marry Muriel and kill Lucio lol)

Romance or fluff? (Muriel) Fluff!!!!! Muriel deserves all the affection in the whole wide world. He gets sick? Bundle him up in furs by the fire and cuddle up into him with a good book. You look at him once? he blushes. it really doesnt get fluffier than that ++ a lot of his character arc in general is going to be.... letting himself trust you............. which is. so fucking wholesome

Wild night out or quiet night in? ( Muriel ) Quiet night in lmfao. We’d just hang out inside drinking hot chocolate and talking until we fell asleep propped up against the wall in his tiny house having completely lost track of time. 

Adventure or domesticity? ( Muriel ) I wanna say adventure because. I love travelling! I love going out and trying new things! And Muriel very does Not but I feel like getting him out of his comfort zone would do him some good! Starting small would probably be best, like maybe a tramp or going camping once in a while, then building up to bigger trips to other cities once you’ve convinced him you’ll both be ok as long as you’re prepared.

Cute date to the aquarium/zoo/park or elegant dinner date? ( Muriel ) I already answered this one B) I said: “ Definitely somewhere casual!!! I feel like he’d be most at ease somewhere like the park on a sunny day! Pick a nice grassy spot by a creek and bring a basket and have a really nice, chill picnic, and have a nap together in the early afternoon sun. Go for a walk after and talk about Plants (because i. am a biology student lol)  and generally just have a really relaxing time. Give the man a flower? Tuck it behind his ear? and he’d die kjnaefjnaej. Alternatively….. aquarium………. “

Coffeshop AU, high-school/college AU or modern AU? Give a headcanon about the one you chose jnakfjkjaf coffe shop AUs are so cliched but I actually love them for the settings of meetcutes. You meet Muriel when he’s on his rounds as a part time dog walker around the block and you barrel straight into him coming out of the shop when you’re checking an email, spilling the (now cold) remnants of your beverage all over him. You apologise profusely and he shrugs it off, blushing over your fussing and awkwardly tries to excuse himself. You insist on helping him finish his walk with All these dogs, anyway, you like dogs so it’s no trouble, and he begrudgingly agrees to finish the interaction sooner. You end up having a nice chat with him and notice in the weeks after that he starts coming by the shop without the dogs during the times you’re usually around, even though he doesn’t drink coffee. Your conversations with him during these short interludes quickly become the highlight of your day, and you start to suspect, eventually, that he feels the same :)

If (Muriel) turned up on your doorstep at midnight covered in blood, how would you react? Well I’d clean it off.... of .......course............. 👀👀👀

You’re stranded on a desert island; which 2 of the main 6 do you want with you? Muriel of course not only because I adore him but he’s. also a mountain man. Handy. And Asra because hes a good good magic boy and can make sand into water so.... handy. also asra is just an incredibly blessed person so kajefnkjaef

If your apprentice could go back in time and change one thing before the events of the game, what would it be? lucios birth :^)

You’re sick; who do you want to take care of you and why? I think I’m becoming predictable but. Muriel kjaefnkjafnjf you took such good care of him so it’s only fair that he should return the favour. He’s got a surprisingly good bedside manner and is generally just very gentle. Cooks eggs and grumbles that you should be taking better care of yourself but when you say thanks for all his help he blushes and kinda. stands up slightly straighter bc hes secretly happy he can Help

If you were trapped in an elevator with one character for 8 hours, who would you want it to be and why? Jojaefafjoafe ok so. Porbably Portia because she seems 1. one of the least likely to panic and 2. Would have fucking great conversation the whole time. 

Give a headcanon about Nadia She loves romcoms!!!! She would never ever admit it to anyone though, but she’s a huge sucker for romance stories in general. Cries at the end of mamma mia. Uses it as an excuse to snuggle all the way into your shoulder.

Give a headcanon about Asra He’s extremely lactose intolerant but he eats it anyway bc hes Chaotic and gives 0 fucks about how bad his guts feel afterwards, the cheese was Worth it dammit (and I say this bc thats also me kjaenfnef)

Give a headcanon about Julian Had a brief stint in his teen years where he unironically identified as sapiosexual

Give a headcanon about Portia She loves playing with hair/having her hair played with! Catch her falling asleep with her head in your lap as you weave your fingers through her hair.

Give a headcanon about Muriel I also already answered this one!:  “ He’d be really into gardening if he knew how! Catch me digging up all the dirt around his house and planting herbs, flowers (*cough* forgetmenots *cough) and other medicinal plants, and some strawberries for when spring comes! “

Give a headcanon about Lucio Unironically identifies as sapiosexual now even though he’s a huge dumbass himself 

Give a headcanon about a side character/the apprentice (asker’s choice) Nadia’s dad gets pegged

Give a popular opinion that you disagree with People calling Muriel a dom. have you. looked at this man. I have to laugh

Give an unpopular opinion Lucio sucks lol

Tarot or zodiac? Zodiac!!! Mostly bc I know exactly 0 things about tarot, I appreciate the aesthetic tho!

What is your patron major arcana? Oh worm I just looked at all the explanations in the wiki and tbh. The empress uh. dragged me with how much I ID with that (both reversed and upright) so akejfkjfae thats mine

Upright or reversed ending? Upright

Ot3? Me x muriel x asra (muriel has 2 hands and 2 tiny partners)

Brotp? jakjefnkanfe i love. portia and julians sibling banter. the good shit

Favourite non-apprentice-based ship? asriel............................. till i die............. (pordia is also fucking god tier)

Is the apprentice you, or your OC? thats just me bich kajefnkjnafe we living our best self indulgent lives 

Tell me about your Apprentice(s) im a big bi mess and i would die for muriel and thats it really

Favourite piece of worldbuilding lore? already answered: “ I really love how much of a shithole Vesuvia is kjbanefknaefk like. No formal process of trial/law? Public executions just being how people Do things? someone fucking help this city lmfao”

Favourite background/location? ok i really love nopal bc of all the cacti but tbh like. really anywhere theres a lot of cool nature? the forest is fucking good

The Forest or Nopal? bring the cacti from nopal to muriel’s hut in the forest and it’s perfect

The Palace or the shop? thheeee shop. i like the palace but i think id get Overwhelmed not being able to just. be in my own space a lot lol

The Rowdy raven or the library? the library with a healthy amount of alcohol lol. 

Favourite sprite?

43. Favourite character design?  I !!!!!!!!! really. love Asra’s design bc of its howl callback but all the designs r fucking cool 44. Best masquerade outfit?    Nadia’s..... glamorous..... 45. Best scene? Muriel. hugging. faust you and asra. hes so fucking wholesome ill cry...... or just straight up both of his books akjenfkjafn 46. Worst Scene? Honestly any containing lucio 47. Favourite song on the soundtrack? I love Crowd hammer! (predictable) but also memory 48. Best tale/bonus content? I dont remember names im terrible but i/ love the muriel one ofc kjneafkjn 49. Best CG?/ 50. Favourite memory?

#muriel #its not. an ask but imma tag it that way #asks #hcs #it speaks #nadia #lucio #julian #portia #asra #jaye writes