#pie211-std

[doopcafe]

The Michael Burnham Show: Die Trying (3x05)

Summary: Michael Burham collects seeds to earn the trust of a Starfleet admiral, above.

Comments: I was so disgruntled from that awful Voyager holodeck episode that I "convinced" Akina to return to Season 3 of Discovery (note: one does not simply convince Akina of anything).

Okay, so we left off with Adira recovering her memories on Trill in Episode 4 and giving Burnham the coordinates to future!Starfleet.

So let’s get this “plot” out of the way first. Discovery meets up with future!Starfleet and the admiral in charge recounts some recent history of the Federation for the audience: they’re down to just a few dozen member worlds, and “without warp,” they’re unable to contact others or coordinate their organization. Skipping over subspace communications and the fact that there were ships warping around the first couple episodes, the admiral thinks the Discovery crew are temporal agents and up to no good. The episode shoves in some dying aliens the first chance it gets and Burnham concocts a plan that drives this episode: She’s gonna use Discovery’s spore drive to jump to the last known coordinates of a seed ship (a seedbank spaceship), get some seeds, then return to cure the nameless aliens (with the seeds). Spoilers: they collect the seeds, cure the aliens, and earn the admiral’s trust.

This show feels like I accidentally wandered into the funeral of a stranger. Everyone is crying, people are expressing heartfelt condolences, and there’s lots of hugging and crying. But... I don’t know any of these people. Sure, I can feel sorry for these people, but can’t feel sorry with these people. I’ve never had the chance to get to know any of them in any meaningful way.

Continuing the analogy, someone tells me that the deceased was a beloved husband, father of four, yadda yadda, which helps me understand what’s happening at a cognitive level but not at an emotional one. Who is this guy that died again? Did I know him? Maybe someone I once knew in high school, or...?

That’s the feeling of Star Trek Discovery. There’s a scene in this episode that illustrates the idea. Nan (?), the security chief (?), decides she’s gonna leave Discovery. On cue, Burnham cries and then Nan cries and everyone cries (and hugs) and talks about friendship and feelings but like... have we met this lady? She came aboard with Pike, right? What has she done since? I vaguely remember Nan saying “yum yum” in response to Georgiou saying something about “joining her in making Leland scream” in the middle of kicking things. See, I remember that because it was emotional. Sure, that emotion was overwhelmingly “cringe,” but it was still an emotion and I remember it. Nan says super cringey, sexualized things at inappropriate times. Got it.

But here (in this episode, as an example), some character is leaving the ship and I’m just watching the funeral of Star Trek that I accidentally wandered into. Yes, I understand that maybe Burnham and Nan got drunk together a few times, played pranks on Saru or whatever, and shared a few laughs together, but we never get to see any of that shit. So... Who is this lady again? Why should I care?

Anyways, they just leave Nan on the ship that’s running on auxiliary power right next to an ion storm. Yup, just left her aboard, alone with a fatally wounded psychopath who wants to kill himself. Nan and Burnham emerge from their unearned emotional embrace, Burnham’s like “one to beam up,” then Nan walks over to the window and by the time she gets there, Discovery is already spore jumping away.

Jeez, I hope they transported over some emergency rations or supplies or something. No one aboard questioned why Burnham was returning to Discovery alone?

Anyways! Georgiou only kicks one thing in this episode and it wasn’t even sentient, so that was a nice change—

Wait a minute... In the scene when Discovery wanders into future!Starfleet HQ and there’s ships all over the place, the Discovery bridge crew is, well, having an Unearned Emotional Moment™ about some of the ships. Then someone—Tilly I think—notices the USS Voyager... but with registration number suffix of “J,” the eleventh generation of the ship.

How does the Discovery crew know what Voyager is?

They’re from before Voyager’s time, right? And the Sphere data they’ve collected is also from before Voyager’s time... so while the crew might know what Trill are from the Sphere, the Sphere could not have collected data on Voyager, right? And they jumped way into the future, well after Voyager’s time. Did I miss something again?

Look, these are all small things, but the occurrence is so prolific that it’s extravagantly clear the writers have no knowledge of canon or use for internal consistency. Which, honestly is fine... if you create something better than the original. But if you vomit garbage, that second nail in the coffin (internal inconsistency) just hurts a little more than the first (poor writing).

My enjoyment: 1/5

Did all the lower-ranked crewmembers aboard Discovery also travel to the future? Jeez Burnham, literally everyone on the ship must really love you.

#pie211-std #star trek discovery #std #st:disco

[doopcafe]

New Trek Discovery: Far from Home (3x02)

Summary: The Discovery crashes onto a... parasitic glacier... 

Comments: Saru and Tilly go on an away mission to meet the locals, who are a bunch of miners being taken advantage of by a courier named Zareh. Georgiou shows up and kicks people a bunch of times and they take Zareh captive. They return to Discovery, which is being eaten (?) by ice, and are rescued by Burnham who’s been waiting for them for a year. 

Detmer should like, really go back to Sick Bay, right? She’s obviously not okay. 

The idea of “programmable matter” is neat, since I can see that being a thing in the future. 

But I’m pretty sure Zareh comes back. There’s no way that dude’s dead. They let him walk away, but isn’t his ship parked outside? It’s framed like they’re having him walk through the desert as a death sentence, but... there’s any number of ways a resourceful guy like him can survive. Foremost of which is to walk back to his ship and fly away. He could stay in an unoccupied building to ride out the night... use a hidden personal transporter... call for a pick up... disguise himself and befriend a local... I mean... 

In conclusion, Burnham and the Discovery are together again. 

My enjoyment: 3/5

#pie211-std #star trek discovery #st:disco #star trek

[doopcafe]

New Trek Discovery: That Hope Is You, Part I (3x01)

Summary: Burnham meets Book and they rescue a worm. 

Comments: Let me start by saying two positives.

(1) I like Burnham as a character and an actress. I think she plays “stoic Vulcan” admirably and was happy to see her actress get to break out of that mold a bit in this episode during the “tripping on drugs” scene.

(2) Aside from... most of season 2... I actually enjoy watching this show. It’s interesting in parts, the superficial elements (sound effects, special effects, technology, etc.) are all pretty cool and it’s clear there’s a dedicated team behind their creation. But this isn’t Star Trek. It’s like, 5% Star Trek. 

That said, let’s dive in~! 

If Cosmo was chasing after Book in the teaser, why didn’t he follow Book’s trail of smoke to the crash site on the planet? It would have been pretty easy to recover his “cargo” from a crashed ship? 

Am I to believe that a spaceship, with shields up, colliding with a human in a suit, can be damaged so significantly by the collision that it would force it to crash onto the nearby planet? 

After crashing, Burnham checks for life, confirms its existence, and is likewise happy, but there’s no sign of the Discovery. She then suddenly realizes she is horribly injured. I like this, for what it’s worth, because it shows the importance that Burnham places on duty, as she neglects the pain in order to ensure her mission was a success and even remembers to send the suit back through the wormhole so that Spock gets his message. 

Anyways, Burnham walks towards Book’s crash site, horribly injured, then forgets about being horribly injured so that the episode can have a pointless fist fight with another character. 

Book tells Burnham that, in fact, the collision of his ship at full shields with a person in a suit was so severe that he “cracked his dilithium recrystalizer” when they collided, so he needs fresh dilithium. What are the chances of Book’s ship crashing within walking distance of the major city they need to walk to? 

The premise of this future is that the Federation is dissolved because all their dilithium exploded at the same, destroying many ships and lives. He notes that they couldn’t explain it, which is the most anti-Star Trek line of the whole episode and makes it abundantly clear that the writers either (a) have never watched Star Trek or (b) don’t care and are doing their own thing. 

Burnham notes that the “cargo” (the worm) is temperature sensitive. Later, we see the worm walking along the beach as it eats people and then basking in a sex pool of fellow worms on another planet as Burnham/Book stand and watch while they wear comfortable clothing. What part of this worm needs to be temperature controlled? Why is that a line of dialogue? 

If Book knows that the only way to throw off transporter trackers is to transport into solid material (like water, I guess), then why didn’t he do that on the first transport? Is it because Alex Kurtzman wanted false drama?

Finally, no word on the condition of Burnham’s horrible injury through any of this. I guess she was healed by the power of plot contrivance. 

Oh, also, why does Book warn Burnham to close her eyes when the worm is released from the cargo hold? At first I figured they were doing a Raiders thing, where like the Angel of Death appears and melts anyone who looks at it, but no... it’s just a worm and the very next scene Burnham and Book watch, with eyes open, as the worm tears everyone apart. Why was that a line of dialogue? 

If the thugs knew that the “cargo” was a death worm, why didn’t they come prepared to deal with a death worm? They knew, for sure, that Cosmo was transporting a death worm, that Book stole the death worm from Cosmo, and that they would find the death worm in Book’s ship. So...? What was their plan here, exactly? 

Book’s ship then travels at warp. So...WTH? Why is the Federation dissolved again? Also, did Book repair his ship? It crashed, right? What is going on? 

If the Federation is dissolved/collapsed, who is paying for the upkeep of the Federation relay station? Why haven’t pirates/scavengers dismantled the thing for parts/valuables. These are no longer questions. I’m no longer asking... 

What’s that guy do in the station all day anyways. I thought he was a hologram or android at first because it looks like he just sits at his desk and does nothing else. The dude has probably watched all of Netflix by now. Maybe Kevin should ask him to pitch in for the Disney+ subscription. Then he could at least watch Artemis Fowl and tell me if it’s any good before I commit two hours. I mean, the trailers make it look interesting, right? 

In conclusion, they gonna go look for Federation people, who I’m sure they’ll find. Also, prediction: there’s time travel stuff in the future, so maybe Burnham/Discovery get to return to more of their time...? 

My enjoyment: 3/5 

#pie211-std #std #disco #star trek #new trek

[doopcafe]

STD: Season 3

Summary: Burnham cat-fights Ossyra and saves the day. 

Comments: Ugh... What am I doing back here?

Well, it took a year, but we finally did it. We made it through The Michael Burnham Show: Season 3. We finished up the last two episodes and are now moving on from this particular stain on the Star Trek franchise.

Let me start by saying something positive. I like that the source of The Burn wasn’t completely stupid. I like that they created something new and I like that it was a little “Star Trek-y”. I had some predictions, those predictions were wrong, and I’m glad.

I have nothing else positive to say.

That turbolift fight scene was possibly the most de-immersive piece of television I have ever been subjected to. After some consideration, the most logical explanation I could invent (in lieu of the “writers” being capable enough to do even a slightly passable impression of their job) is that the inside of Discovery is an enormous city compressed into the ship’s guts via Harry Potter magic. Probably the “writers” aren’t to blame here, since this was more an issue with execution and subsequent failure of the director to rein in the creative impulses of the CGI team, but even just thinking about this scene gives me eye strain.

Along the same lines, we’re subjected to a cat fight between Osyraa and Burnham in some room we’ve never seen. I have two comments regarding this scene.

(1) The year is 2021. Are we not over cat fights as a society?

(2) What the hell was happening in this room? There’s like, a light-pulse thing that saves Burnham’s life when it needs to, but then there’s also like a weird CGI pixelated closet in the back that Osyraa pushes Burnham into (see screenshot)? After Osyraa is killed, Burnham uses this room to reboot the ship’s Windows install so I’m left to assume it’s some sort of “computer core” or something.

Oh, I have something else positive to say: I’m glad Osyraa’s character is dead. Her actress played the role like a nice aunt that’d invite me over for tea to discuss her gardening. That is not a joke, that is honestly the most accurate description I can generate at the moment to describe the feeling this character instilled in me. At no point did this nice lady make me hate or fear her the way the script needed me to.

Anyways, Osyraa is killed and—like a bad action movie—the entire galactic crime syndicate also dissolves with her so that the television season can conveniently end.

No, honestly, what was that room? This is an important question because in order for your audience to understand the events of a scene (and to become emotionally invested), they need to understand the basic physics of how the setting works. If your audience has never seen this room before (they haven’t), they have no baseline for understanding the events being shown. This is especially important in a science fantasy show like Discovery because we (the audience) are living in a completely different century and have no real-world analog to... pixelated goo that can be eaten? Goo that is used by an action movie cliché to try to murder our protagonist?

I’m honestly impressed---I’m not being sarcastic here---I am honestly impressed by how unprofessional the writing on this show is. It’s actually quite inspiring. Just remember New Trek Discovery next time you struggle in life: Whatever you think you can’t do, just know that there is someone working in the Discovery writer’s room right now who is confidently doing it wrong. They have no plans of doing it better and probably no sense they are awful at it. You want to sing karaoke at a friend’s wedding, having never taken singing classes in your life? Go get ‘em, tiger. Just remember there are writers working on Discovery that—after three seasons—still haven’t introduced the bridge crew.

Who was the old guy in glasses that talked to Georgiou and then appeared beside the Admiral at the end? Who was the shy scientist guy helping Osyraa at the end? What was his role in the plot? His character was helping Osyraa, but then decided not to because—for the first time after a lifetime of living amongst thugs in a galactic crime syndicate—he realizes his boss miiiiight just be an action movie villainess? Who were in the ships that came to help at the end only to contribute nothing to the plot? Why didn’t Osyraa just flood the ship with toxic gas (or vent the atmosphere to space) when it became clear her hostages had escaped, were no longer needed, and were running amok through the ship, compromising her plans?

Actually, let’s talk about that scene. So the “plot” here is that the bridge crew escapes from captivity in the ready room and attempts to regain control of the ship. There’s Tilly (who is acting captain), Detmer, Oh...Ohwo... and three other people. Let’s call them Tiffany, Chuck, and Brian. They’re happy to be here, earning a paycheck.

For reasons unexplained, Osyraa begins removing oxygen from the ship, but like, very slowly. The bridge crew makes it to engineering where they struggle to breath because—not a joke—there is literally only a single emergency oxygen mask aboard the entire ship. I guess during the last safety inspection, they felt it’d be best to remove all the other oxygen masks for drama. Seriously, why did they only have one? Only one for a ship with a crew complement of at least a hundred people? 

Anyways, Ohwo is okay with oxygen depravation because she grew-up free-diving for... fish or something. She has spent the last twenty+ years of her life losing the benefits of that conditioning, but whatever, there’s no time to dwell on that: Brian says he cannot bypass the computer lock and they need to reboot Windows. I guess Burnham—on a completely different part of the ship that still has its oxygen for some reason—somehow heard Brian and suggests through a cryptic message that Tilly blows off one of the ship’s nacelles. We, as the audience, only know that’s the plan because Tilly literally has to explain the cryptic message to us since the writers forgot to write that scene into a previous episode. That false drama meter isn’t off the charts quite yet, so Chuck explains that blowing off the nacelle is a suicide mission: the stupid robot things that are helping them can’t help in this case because of magnetic fields (or something).

Later, the bridge crew struggle to reach the nacelles so Ohwo is ordered to take the remaining oxygen and deliver the bomb by herself. But wait! Gotta spend half a minute of your ticking clock to tell Tiffany, Chuck, and Brian how much you like, “love” each of them (or whatever). Regrettably, there was no hugging in this scene, but I think we all understand why (it’s because they’re running out of oxygen and about to die). Ohwo places the bomb right next to herself and collapses on the floor. It’s okay because one of those stupid robot things forgot it wasn’t able to be here and comes to rescue her. They all later wake up and Burnham reboots the ship and everyone’s fine, even Tiffany, who hasn’t had a single line of dialogue this entire season.

Anyways, was this long enough? I feel like I’m being peer-pressured to write these things. I’ll end with a quotation from my lovely wife, who does not care about this show anywhere nearly as much as I do:

Michael Burnham: *assumes the captain’s chair* Akina: “Ugh, now it really is the Michael Burnham show!”

My enjoyment: 1/5

#pie211-std

[doopcafe]

The Michael Burnham Show: Scavengers (3x06)

Summary: Burnham rescues Book from slavery and recovers the “black box” McGuffin that’ll undoubtedly drive the plot in the following episode.

Comments: The plot here is simple: Burnham recovers the flight recorder of a Starfleet vessel while rescuing Book from slavery.

This space!BlackBox flight recorder in question was from a ship destroyed in The Burn. We’re told—suddenly—that Burnham has actually been trying to collect these things over the past year because if she can find at least three whose time signatures don’t match the others, it would imply The Burn had a source of origin and she could use that data to triangulate the origin. Well, Book found one, but got himself into a bit of a mess in attempting to recover it and *yadda yadda* now he’s a slave.

Just, three predictions here real quick-like: The origin of “The Burn” is gonna be: (1) Burnham herself (hence the name), (2) Burnham’s mom, or (3) the planet Vulcan. I’m adding that third one because the writers have less than a cursory understanding of Star Trek and believe their audience may share that deficiency (which may have some truth) and so they “need” a “dramatic” twist but can only accomplish said twist—not through competent writing—but by name-dropping some words that can be expected to be recognizable by the audience. Hence “the planet Vulcan.”

Anyways, this was one confusing mess of an episode that nevertheless finally shows a few (welcome) character moments. But the tone is all over the place, as per usual in this show.

For example, Adira seeing—and openly communicating—with her (very much dead) ex-lover is weird, right? Like, she needs to go to Sick Bay, right? The girl is mentally deranged and/or going insane, right? It’s being portrayed as something out of a psychological thriller where the main character starts doubting their sanity in dark rooms. But then Stamis just has a pleasant chat with her about how it’s okay to be mentally ill and they can all be friends due to shared psychological distress?

Also, I'm convinced the director doesn't read the script. In a previous episode, Saru is definitely having a HAL-9000 “I’m gonna f— you up and your little crew too” moment with the Discovery’s computer and the tone is very dark and strongly suggestive of imminent danger. But, nope, it turns out Discovery’s computer is just trying to be pals. So... why were the previous scenes shot like something out of a horror film?

As a second example, Detmer seriously damages her skull and has a psychological breakdown during a pleasant dinner but it’s played off like “she’s part of the family, she’ll be okay, no biggie.” I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling, because it’s clearly portrayed one way (she seriously needs medical attention), and I’m comfortable feeling as one could be expected based on the clear portrayal (she seriously needs medical attention), but then someone makes an off-hand remark about Detmer’s traumatic brain injury and how that “makes her part of the family.” That is only an appropriate response if I understood the previous scenes incorrectly; i.e., she isn’t actually seriously injured. But, if that’s true, then why did she get hurled over the console, crash into a bunch of shit, and barely manage to stumble back to her post with blood streaming down her face? Why show the scene where she has a clear mental breakdown and starts joking about Stamis (or whoever) being dead (or whatever)? Why were these scenes filmed/shot (directed) to communicate that something is seriously wrong with Detmer when, in fact, there is nothing wrong with Detmer?

Anyways, this is CBS “Trek” so we get scenes of slave labor, a violent prison break, and a bloody decapitation. But it’s not a regular, run-of-the-mill French Revolution type of decapitation. It’s more like a Battle Royale “this is clearly an R-rated movie” style decapitation where a Bajoran’s head explodes into bloody mist as everyone watches while doing their best Mark Wahlberg impression.

It’s not fair to compare TNG to this sloppy mess, but CBS invites that comparison by putting “Star Trek” in the title, so... Remember in TNG: Tapestry how Picard meets Q in the afterlife and we get treated to a story about how humans are the sum of their choices, even the bad ones? We’re shown how Picard’s life could have turned out much, much different had he made slightly different choices. It’s a message that can resonate with any human being: our failures make us who we are as much as our successes. My point is that the show elevated itself above pure entertainment to share a meaningful message—and that's what made it "Star Trek."

Here, the message is... what? It’s best if your head is not turned into blood mist? What value does this show provide?

Anyways, this is already way too long and I haven’t even talked about the episode. So let’s see... Burnham is “demoted” to Chief Science Officer, which makes absolutely no difference and doesn’t actually change anything in the show, but gives us an excuse to cry a bunch. Georgiou is all messed-up and having visions of her other, non-Terran self (I think)? There’s a scene where it’s implied Stamis and his b/f just had sex but... didn’t they separate? I thought they broke up? Uhm, Stamis talks to Adira... Burnham whispers a lot to make her dialogue appear dramatic... Tilly plays with a cat... Georgiou makes fat jokes... Wait, did she kick anything this episode? I feel like she must have during the prison break scene, but I don't remember it happening...

My enjoyment: 2/5

#pie211-std #star trek discovery #star trek #discovery