#personally I love cats and like dogs but can’t see myself ever owning one

[romanoffsbish]

A Prompt List

Feel free to pick and choose from the list for your own stories, as well as send in requests (view my masterlist for who I write for) with whatever prompts if you please, 🥰

Angst/Fluff/Smut prompts listed. (18+)

Bonus points if you take the assigned genre and flip it 🤔😏

———

Angst

“Are you serious?” / “I never wanted this!”

“This was never real, was it?” / “I was just a warm body for those cold winter nights…”

“You are vile…” / “I can’t believe I ever believed someone like you could love me.”

“Nothing good ever lasts.” / “Goodbye.”

“I love you.” / “It’s not enough this time.”

“Please, don’t leave me, we can fix this.” /“You left me first, I’m just finishing the job.”

“I love you Y/N.” / “Why do people only say that to me when they’ve wronged me? Am I not deserving of the guiltless love? Like the ones I see in fairytales, where they get swept away smiling, and not where I curl up to weep in my bed for another damn night.”

“I’m sorry.” / “For what exactly? Breaking my trust, and in turn my fragile heart? Or do you only mean that you got caught?”

“I can’t even look at you anymore.” / “Please…” / “This is the end for us.”

“I can’t live without you, I won’t survive.” / “Then I guess I’ll be back for your funeral.”

Fluff

“There’s nobody else I’d ever love like this.”

“Everything I do is for you—my beloved.”

*while stargazing* “If I could, I’d rearrange the stars for you, have them map out your face, because a beauty like yours should transcend the bounds of Earth my darling.”

“I can’t believe that the world had infinite chances to find me a soulmate, and I lucked out and hit the absolute jackpot with you.”

“Did you know that a kiss is worth a thousand words?” / “You should kiss me.”

“You’re the most gorgeous person here.” / “I’d never lie to you darling, god, I wish you could see you the way I do” / “Perfect.”

“Call them —, the worst they could do is say no to you, and trust me, they won’t…” / “They said yes!!!”

“I’ve loved you since the first time I ever laid my eyes on you.” / “Well damn, why’s it taken you so long to make a move then?”

“I can’t believe my cat/dog loves you more than it’s ever loved me.” / “Actually, on second thought it makes sense, you’re far too lovable to even question it; *pets name* you have good taste.”

“I will never tire of watching you sleeping next to me, you’re just so peaceful, and I get to celebrate that you’re all mine.”

Smut

“Careful what you wish for baby, because I’m nothing if not generous…”

“Where should I sit?” / “The couch works just fine, but if you prefer comfort, my face works far better my darling.”

“I’m not letting you go until you’ve either drenched the sheets, or passed out.”

“Fuck me like you mean it —, let everybody know I’m yours before I no longer am.”

“Aww, did my precious little dove think I’d just let that little stunt go?” / “I was hoping so.” / “You’re sadly mistaken toots, now prepare yourself for a long night full of passion, and if you’re lucky—pain.”

“Mommy isn’t very pleased with the outfit you chose to wear tonight, you made those fools think they stood a chance.” / “Maybe they did.” / *incredulous laughter* “Is that right baby? I go on one week long business trip and you just forget who you belong to? Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll remind you.”

“Stay still, or I’ll have you warming daddy’s cock all night long.” / “That’s a good girl.”

“I-I can’t take anymore, please.” / “You can take it, and you’ll do it graciously, one more complaint and I’ll edge you all month.”

“Kiss me, please.” / “Is that all you want baby, is for me to kiss you?” / “N-no, I also want you to fuck me senseless, but a kiss sounded far more romantic.”

“If you don’t fuck me, I’ll be doing it myself!” / “I’m coming!” / “No, I am!”

#angst prompt #angst prompts #angsty prompts #writing prompt #writing prompts #fluff prompt #fluff prompts #fluffy prompts #smut prompts #smutty prompts

[lucysarah-c]

Hi! Happy new years eve ✨🥂 hope you had an awesome 2023 and all my best wishes and blessings for 2024 🫶🏼

Now, I can’t get this idea out of my head. Levi adopting a kitten with his girl. I always thought of Levi like a cat person, idk he just seem to fit on it. And as a cat person myself I would love to read something about it.

I can imagine him thinking is a bad idea but then he cant go anywhere in the house without the kitty 🫶🏼 so adorable I guess

Ahhh happy new year!! Thank you for all your well wishes and sending them back to you! I'm sorry it took me this long to write this for you sweetie! T-T so sorry

It started in the least expected way. Levi and his group of friends had been trying to find new ways to spend time together in their difficult adult lives. They wanted to revisit certain activities they used to enjoy in their glory college days and bond a little. You, of course, didn’t complain. If Levi decided to go camping with his friends or hiking on any weekend, it was also a chance for you to hang out with your friends at home, maybe watch a movie he doesn’t like, and have a “me” afternoon. It was all positive until Levi began to notice something during their hangouts.

Dogs.

All of them, particularly Mike and Erwin, had their own respective big, fluffy, loyal-to-death dogs that they would take with them on hikes, jogs, or even camping trips. You could see from the look in your boyfriend's eyes that he was envious. The only reason you and Levi hadn’t adopted any pets before wasn’t because of you in particular. You grew up with pets, loved them, and felt that the house was missing something without a fluffy companion. And don’t get me wrong, Levi had always had a soft spot for animals. But, in his own words, “As a kid, my family could never afford one… and Kenny hated them so.”

When you two moved in together, he didn’t want any pets due to "too much hair, too much mess, and too much money spent on the vet." But now, you could see in his eyes that he desired one, especially when they took pictures with his friends' dogs, and Levi hardly ever took pictures himself. Sooner or later, you brought up the idea, and he seemed excited. You quickly guessed that he wasn’t going to be the one to suggest it since perhaps his pride stopped him from admitting that now all the previous reasons he had given you to say no weren’t that important.

One lazy Saturday, you were walking past the doors of a shelter. Both of you admitted that if you were going to get a pet, it would be a rescue, giving the chance for an animal to live the American dream (two adults with good salaries, a pretty house, and no kids) after someone had made them believe they were trash. Both of you talked to the receptionist, who said that soon she would walk both of you to the dog’s department to choose. But when the guide came back and you were ready to go in and check out the puppies with your boyfriend, he was nowhere to be found.

Quickly, you followed the sound of people talking, and there he was, talking to a vet at the cat’s side of the shelter. The vet seemed to be deeply engrossed in conversation with him as you reached his side.

“Lev? Love, they are waiting to show us the dogs,” you called to him before smiling softly at the vet, acknowledging their presence.

“Oh, I was just telling him that she never gets close to anyone, not even to us. It was almost magical seeing her trying to reach out to him,” the vet said, and you quickly concluded it was the cat that was rubbing the top of her head against the front of her cage, trying to reach Levi.

“Aww, poor thing,” you said as you bent down slightly to have a better look at her face and perhaps give the cat some love through the small space of the bars. But the cat quickly moved away from your touch and softly hissed.

It hurt you, despite knowing that all cats have their temperament, until the vet spoke again, “Oh, she has always been a little grumpy; she’s not a fan of people.”

Levi also bent down to the cat's level, and he seemed to be the chosen one because the cat was continuously bumping her head against the cage, seeking more love from him. “Well, that makes two of us,” he commented, admitting his antisocial tendencies.

“When we found her, we thought she was feral because of the damage from living on the streets and her attitude, but we found she was chipped. We contacted the owner, but he said that since she couldn’t have more kittens, they left her in the streets,” both of you slightly raised to look at the shelter’s owner with heartbroken faces. “She’s been here for a while, but nobody wants her because she’s old, grumpy, and because of all the pregnancies she had, she has FIV, which is an expensive treatment an-”

“I’m taking her,” Levi interrupted the vet without a second thought, and you were about to comment that the plan was to get a dog, nothing against taking the little cat.

“Are you sure? It’s a lot of responsibility, and she’s rather old,” the vet warned.

“I’m sure. What do I have to do to take her home?” Levi replied with confidence.

That’s how Chai Tea, or just Chai, came into your life. She was a grumpy old lady, but you two loved her to death, especially Levi. She seemed to be a golden brownish Persian, which made sense given her breeding history, but one of her ears was damaged from living on the streets, giving her a permanently angry face. The first sign of her enjoying being a spoiled princess was during her first visit to the vet after her adoption, when the instructions were to reduce her food rations because she was already a bit too chubby.

“Shhh, don’t listen to the vet. You’re perfect,” you heard Levi whispering as he rocked her in his arms in the kitchen. “Here, have some ham.”

She was obsessed with him, and he was obsessed with her. Did Levi complain about the hair? A lot, but at least he took the effort to vacuum and brush her himself. In his own words, “If I can make her life worth it for even a little bit at the end of it, then I’ll do it.”

It was endearing to receive a text message from Levi saying "On my way home," and then witness the little fluffy ball rushing down the hallway with her short legs once you tell her "Chai! Daddy is coming home!"

It was incredibly cute how she would meow all the way to the front door, occasionally looking back at you to make sure both of you were going to greet him.

It’s rather funny how he went to a shelter to get a big dog for his "bro's" adventures and came back with a cat that demanded to be picked up and rocked in his arms while he prepared dinner. Even funnier is how he accepted it. Now your camera phone is full of pictures and videos of Levi humming lullabies, sleeping with a cat on top of him, or holding her up in the air so she can hunt a moth.

A little bit jealous? Perhaps. Sometimes, Levi seems more eager to greet the fluffy cat when he gets home than he is to greet you. But being able to give an elderly cat a second chance was a better experience than anything else.

Tags!: @nube55 @justkon @notgoodforlife @nmlkys @humanitys-strongest-bamf @quillinhand @thoreeo @darkstarlight82 @i-literally-cant-with-this @angelofthorr @aomi04 @levisbrat25 @fxnnyackerman @secretmoneybearvoid @s0meb0dy-0nce-t0ld-me @trashblackrainbow @l3visthighs @hum4n-wr3ckag3 @hannieslovebot @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored @flxrartsstuff @starrylevi @rithty @mariaace @ackrmntea @emilyyyy-08 @levisfavoriteteashop @katestrophes @katharinasdiaryy @ackermanswifee Wanna join my tag list? Here!

#levi ackerman #levi #captain levi #levi aot #snk levi #levi x reader #levi x y/n #aot levi #snk levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackeman #levi attack on titan #captain levi ackerman x you #captain levi x reader #captian levi x reader #captain levi ackerman x y/n #captain levi x you #levi shingeki no kyojin #levi x you #aot #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titans #levi x reader smut #levi ackerman snk #levi ackerman x female!reader #dad levi vibes #dad levi

[would-this-pokemon-be-a-friend]

First of all, I love this blog! Second, would Purrloin (one of my favorite Pokemon) make a good pet? I imagine it wouldn't be too different from keeping a real-world cat, but you never know.

Well would you look at that: it’s yet another pokémon that is, really, pretty much just like a real-world cat. However, as all cat aficionados know, cats have a lot of very varied personalities. Purrloins are very much like real-world cats, yes: but a very particular kind of real-world cat. The more naughty, mischevous, ill-behaved sort of cat. These kinds of cats are not for everyone, but us cat-lovers blinded by our adoration of the little critters can’t help but see them as lovable in their own way!

Purrloins are the perfect size to be a house pet, naturally, and this lends towards them not being the biggest physical threats. At risk of getting ahead of myself, this is another cat-like pokémon that isn’t capable of doing that much harm besides biting and scratching. In this way, they’d be model pets for anyone who’s willing to put up with the odd scratch (something many cat owners are very familiar with).

Their behavior is where purrloins get a little bit more off the tracks as far as the whole “model pet” thing goes. Don’t be deceived by their adorable looks, as many people are: purrloins love to steal for fun (Black)! And we’re not just talking food or toys; purrloins love to take people’s personal valuables, just to see the shock on their faces (Black2/White2). It seems that they’re good at it too, so unless your items are very carefully locked away, you can expect them to go missing whenever you let your guard down (White). As added salt in the wound, purrloins can and will laugh at you (Shield). It’s unclear if this behavior can be dealt with through training, but any cat owner could tell you that if it can be it’d be an uphill battle. Wild purrloins get in intense rivalries with other species that are known for being thieves, like nickits (Sword), so I wouldn’t recommend keeping these species (or even more than one purrloin) at the same time, or else they may keep one-upping each other, stealing more and more outrageous things. But c’mon, they’re so cute! The severity of how annoying this behavior is will really depend on the owner and what they’re willing to put up with.

As mentioned earlier, purrloins aren’t very dangerous. They aren’t slow to scratch when frustrated, playing, or simply bored (Sword, Shield). I’d also warn against adopting a purrloin to anyone with pet allergies: if they’re as similar to real-world cats as they seem, they may be big shedders.

Overall, however, there isn’t anything that drags purrloins’ score down from an A. Whether or not you’d get along well with one depends on the person, but when it comes down to it these pokémon are just cats. Naughty cats, but cats. Do you like cats? You’d probably like a purrloin.

[Special thanks to @glacecakes for the recommendation to introduce a “just a cat” rank! Will there ever be a “just a dog” rank? Probably.]

#pokémon #pokemon #purrloin #pkmn irl #PR-A #just a cat

[cleolinda]

Weekend links, April 14, 2024

My posts

Honestly, I spent much of the week coping with storm migraines. You can tell, because I was reblogging a lot from under a cold compress rather than doing anything useful with life. 

Reblogs of interest

The Hot Vintage Lady Polls are rough out there, y’all. Round three started closing yesterday (see what’s still open here), and as of this writing, we have lost Bette Davis, Alla Nazimova, Theda Bara, Myrna Loy, Barbra Streisand, Fay Wray, Lucille Ball, Ginger Rogers, and Olivia de Havilland--and it looks like Catherine Deneuve, Clara Bow, Lana Turner, and Mary Pickford are on their way out. Meanwhile, I learned about a ton of actresses I’d never heard of before, only to shriek when Sharmila Tagore, Nadira, and Waheeda Rehman lost this round. (Edwige, I will never forget you.) 

Let me remind you (and me sometimes, too): Not everyone has the same taste or childhood attachments or cinema experiences as you. And everybody in this bracket loses. Everybody but one. 

(I can tell I’m not cut out for brawling because I’m like, “I will be very sad to see Norma Shearer go, but Hazel Scott seems nice!”)

--

“Actually, Mr. Musk, I am an attorney. Do you know that?” Here’s the highlights of Mark Bankston, the man who brought down Alex Jones, coping with Elon Musk and Elon Musk’s Lawyer, who is not even licensed in Texas, for 100 pages of deposition. 

Hozier Watch 2024: “Too Sweet” has now charted higher in the UK than “Take Me to Church,” and it’s getting real close on the US charts. This is a song that didn’t even make last year’s album. I am endlessly fascinated. 

Happy Leland Melvin Day!

Happy Neil Banging Out the Tunes Day!

“Posting endless DNIs because we can’t (or don’t know we can) make spaces just for the people we do want to interact with” actually makes a lot of sense in this centralized social media hellscape. 

There is a 20k mg weed gummy and nobody needs that. “Forget meeting the Hat Man this is what turns you into the Hat Man. This is worse than that torture drug that makes you experience 600 billion years in a second. This is the secret to honest to god shifting.” 

One of the best uses of the Kate Beaton Poe comic I’ve ever seen

“Americanisms that tell you to check on your American” (they are all correct)

“Tuxedo Mask is the first example of being ‘Kenough’”

Just this once, I will allow this AI rendition of a “traditional Polish family” and their traditional Polish woodchuck. 

I am absolutely not saying there is anything wrong with being into tentacles; I’m just saying that Pyramid Head doesn’t even have them and thus is a pretty tame choice to complain about. 

Little Guy, a game

A cursèd chair called “Oops!”

Sparrow Tarot: Honestly, this is one of my favorite takes on the Hanged Man.

This dog is a biscuit and she is precious

Video

One of the things that’s so great about this Ilia Malinin free-skate program is, he makes it look so effortless that I would have never figured out on my own, without Tumblr’s commentary, that there’s a couple moves in here that no one in the world can do but him. Like, the very first jump and the announcers start screaming. 

A journey from fearing moths to raising them

A dude puts on a dress For the Meme and then discovers that he loves it (and then he styles it as a full outfit and it looks SO GOOD)

Watching this cat ride around on a roomba on a sped-up surveillance camera is self-care.

So is this (although it’s a bit strobe-y)

Bat type: hi doggy

Was the jello for the tuna salad lamb supposed to be lime?

The sacred texts

Holy Shit, Two Cakes

The origin of “Me, an intellectual”

#AllMyLifeIHadToFight

Personal tag of the week

Designer Roberto Cavalli, who passed away this week at age 83. I reblogged several fashion posts--I hadn’t even realized myself that he had designed Beyoncé’s famous yellow dress in Lemonade.

#weekend links #odds and ends #linkspam

[icanbeyourjedi-writes]

It Was Just A Dream Chapter Three

Summary: Going back to work was easy, hearing that Alex has a date is not.  Frankie spirals at the news, and what happens next could change the friendship.  Words: 7,591 Rating: 18+ Adult Themes Warnings/Triggers:  Addiction, Falling for Your Brothers Friend, Language, OFC is somewhat described as someone with longer hair, but no race/eye color/body type   A/N: I don’t know much about addiction, just the things that I googled and seen portrayed on TV. This is completely an AU. I had the beginning of this story pop in my head randomly and thought it sounded fun to explore. Sure we all love Frankie was that sweet puppy dog…but what if he had his own inner demons he had to battle with.  The ‘coke charge’ was mentioned in TF and I kinda wanted to explore that side of him. 

Thank you to @theewokingdead for the beta

**This is written as a  first person, and it's my first time writing in first person, so please be gentle with me. I also include Frankie's POV which will be Bold

Frankie Morales, 25, a talented pilot, Army Vet and now sticker enthusiast. I don’t think I have ever spent so much time in the sticker aisle. We’ve been here for at least an hour and I am sure the pile of stickers in the basket are already at fifty bucks.  But I can’t help it, he’s excited, he’s smiling and I see the old Frankie. The Frankie before he got hurt. 

“Lex…Lexi they have vampire teeth!” he races over to me dropping the stickers into the cart joining the helicopters, military helicopters, cats, cat paws and of course who could forget catfish. And because that wasn’t enough he added tropical fish to the pile as well. 

“I‘ve created a monster” I sigh to myself. I start to think this crazy thrown together idea might actually work. I’ve never been in his shoes. I don’t know what he deals with, what he has dealt with. But I do know a reward system works. It works for the kids who come into the doctor's office. Get the shot, get a sticker or a sucker depending on the doctor. 

Frankie walks back towards me with one more package of stickers, fire trucks. I look at him and he just shrugs, the other stickers made sense. They all fit him; cat, fish, helicopters, “what?” He shrugs “when I was a kid, I thought about being a firefighter”

“You’ve always wanted to help people?” I ask 

He pulls the brim of his worn out baseball cap and drapes his arm over my shoulder, a small nod. Over the years I have been able to learn his mannerisms and his ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ look. This was that look. Hat pulled down, eyes on his feet, biting his bottom lip. 

“Think we have enough?” I ask quickly changing the subject

“Maybe” his voice still soft 

15 packages of stickers and $50 dollars later, I hope this plan works. I know he is going to have to eventually go to classes, especially when that voice gets loud. But it’s day four and I still have some hope. We stop for some takeout. Pizza, it was quick, easy and who doesn’t love a good slice of pizza. 

I lean back on the couch, Frankie finishing his slice and pushes his plate away. He picked the movie tonight…his choice of movie completely shocked me. The final scenes of ‘Bridesmaids’  starts to play, as the two characters start to sing “Hold On”. Frankie leaning against the arm rest. His hand tapping against his leg as he hums along. I can’t help the smile on my face as I watch him. He slowly starts to sing the words. Quiet at first until that first chorus hits.  

“…things will go your way, if you hold one for one more day…” he sings along, eyes closed fully in the moment. 

I will be fully honest with you. When I told Frankie he could pick the movie tonight. I was expecting Top Gun, Saving Private Ryan, maybe even Green Mile. I never would have guessed that he liked the RomCom genre. I turn to face him, he has my attention as he continues to sing. It’s only when I giggle that he opens his eyes and looks at me. 

“What?” 

“Nothing,” I smile. It was cute, he was relaxed, he for another brief moment was the old Frankie. I want to keep him like this “uhm so you know I start work tomorrow” 

“I know” he sighs. He sounded disappointed 

“Can I have your phone?” I ask 

Without hesitation he reaches into his pocket and hands it over to me. I touch the screen and it lights up with what else but a helicopter as his photo. I touch the screen again and enter in the passcode “it’s your birthday” I hear him say. 

“I know” I look up and smile at him. 

I asked him once, why it was my birthday. Instead of his girlfriends, or his…or literally any other four digits he could have picked. I don’t want to forget your day, he said. He rubs the back of his neck, a tell that he doesn’t know what to say next. 

She’s right, it’s been her birthday since the day I met her. She was one of the few who listened when I talked. Cared how I was feeling, she was the only one to send me care packages and letters when I was away. My own girlfriend never sent me a care package. 

I watch, she has her tongue peeking out of her slightly parted lips. She was concentrating, she looked beautiful, but she always did. I don’t know why I handed my phone over so willingly. But the truth is, I would do anything she asked me to. I’d take a bullet for her with no hesitation. 

“Ah-ha, there it is” she says and I can’t keep his eyes off her. 

“What are you doing?” I finally asks

I watch as her finger slides up the screen, “deleting your friend George” she responds matter of factly. “Frankie, I trust you. I do. But you're going to be alone. I just…I don’t want you to feel like you need to contact him” 

She was right, smart even. It had been a few weeks since I had talked to ‘George’. But I didn’t think she knew how easy it would be for me to get something if I needed it. George wasn’t his only source. I didn’t want to use, I wanted to be better. But the struggle of staying clean was getting harder as the drugs left my system every day. 

“And I’m adding my work number incase you can’t get me on my cell” she clicks the button on the side of the phone and hands it back over. “I also think…it might be good to find a class or two to go to while I’m at work” 

“You don’t want me to be alone” I groan. The mere thought of having to go around in a  ‘share your feeling’ circle had me panicking. I watch as Steve’s name flashes across the screen asking if he has been ok. It’s been well over a month since I had texted him for a supply. And no, despite my best efforts he wasn’t ok 

“You know you could always call Nicole” I don’t know why I said that, I really don’t want him to call her, “she’s a nurse at a rehab facility. She would know what to do” she would and that’s what I hate the most. She would know how to help him in more ways than one 

“Lex, you know you can have meaningless sex with someone. You don’t have to like the person…” 

I pretend to be shocked by his statement. My number was a lot smaller than Frankie’s. Ok he probably had double maybe triple the partners than me. I know you don’t have to be in love with the person, I know you don’t even need to know their name. But call me old school, I like to have it mean something. 

“Yeah, I know that, but thanks for reminding me” the words sound a lot harsher than I intended. “Look, I’m just saying you're going to be on your own, and I’m proud of how far you’ve come. But I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t want to worry.” 

I remember the day I found him slouched at the picnic table. If I would have been a few more minutes we might not be sitting here right now. I really don’t want to think what would happen if I don’t get to him in time and he OD’s while I'm at work. 

I keep checking my phone to see the time. My body is at work, and I am going through the motions, checking patients in. Answering phones. But my mind, my mind is at home with Frankie. I wonder what he is doing.  Has he had lunch, did he take a shower, did he change? Did he do a line of coke, did he call Nicole? 

I reach for my phone when the bell on the door chimes. My head still down when Laura elbows me in the rubs and I look up seeing a drop dead gorgeous man walk in the door. Short brown hair, styled in that way where it looks he ran his hands through it after a shower and called it good.  It looked so soft. Sun-kissed skin, a Romanesque nose.  Wearing a suit that fits his shoulders and muscles just right. He had a profile that romance novel authors write about.

“That’s the new sales rep I mentioned” Laura whispers as he walks closer to our receptionist desk

“Good afternoon ladies” he says with a smile that you just know gets him exactly what he wants every time. His voice is like butter, and damn can someone be attracted to a voice?

I smile at him, glancing at Laura who looks like she is about to pass out 

“Hi” she says, batting her eyelashes at him, “what did you bring us today?” 

“Just some new test gowns for patients. They are easier to tie when alone” he smiled again and I swear there is a twinkle in his eye 

“Oh hi, I’m Dave. I don’t think we’ve met before” he looks at me and I am pretty sure my heart stops with the way he’s looking at me 

“Al…Al” why can’t I remember my name 

“Alex” Laura coughs

“Hi…hello, yeah I’m Alex. Alexandra” I return his smile and shake his outstretched hand. My heart beats faster as our hands touch and my face feels hot 

His hands are soft, gentle but strong. I don’t know why but I don’t want to let go of his hand. After what I am sure is an extremely awkward amount of time he is pulling his hand away. I could be imagining it, but his eyes stay locked on mine. “It was really nice meeting you Alexandra. You ladies have a good afternoon and I’ll see you next week” 

I don’t say anything, I just sit there and nod like. Weirdo while Laura waves bye to Dave as he heads out the door. 

“Who the fuck was that?” I ask once my brain starts to function again 

“Dave’s our new sales rep and we’re in love” she smiles “he just doesn’t know that yet” she twirls her long blonde hair around her finger. 

Laying on the couch, my hands under my head.  I’m counting the little black specks I find on the ceiling. 

3,452

Did the day always go by this slow?  It feels like it’s been 12 hours…I look at the clock. It’s been three. It wasn’t even time for lunch yet. I was beyond bored, if I was in rehab I would be looking for excuses to not go to the round table therapy. Finding new ways to avoid talking, waiting for Nicole to co-I closes my eyes. 

After a few moments I sit up and make my way to his room, still sitting on his desk untouched was the stack of pamphlets that cop gave me. I pick one up and start to look at it. ‘Let us guide you’. I roll his eyes seeing a picture of a business type man, standing with his hands in his pockets in the front of a podium. 

“Nope” I pop the ‘p’ not even bothering to open it and drop it in the trash

The next one, a few men and women in military fatigues. In big bold letters, ‘FIND YOUR HIGHER POWER’ a class for veterans run by veterans. I rub his face, the VA rehab didn’t work and this for sure wasn’t gonna help. “No, thank you” I toss it in the trash with the other one. 

It felt like an hour had passed, I knew she should be home soon.  I looks at the clock on the night stand, it was 20 minutes.  There was a small part of me that wanted a hit.  She’s at work, she’ll never know.  My hands twitch, I pick up his phone, my fingers hovering over Steve’s name…

I know I shouldn’t, I’ve been trying to stay clean.  I wants to stay clean, but every fiber in my being wants a little fun.  A notification appears, a new text message and my heart stops for a brief moment.

I was ready for the day to be over, I wanted to go home.  I wanted to check on Frankie, make sure he was doing ok.  But, I still had hours to go, calling him every hour felt like I was babying him and I didn’t want that, but I was also worried that being alone the temptation was going to be too much.  I deleted George, but I knew he had others, I knew if he wanted it bad enough he’d find a way. 

     Me: Hey, How’s it going?

     Fishie 🐟: Have hours always ticked by this slowly?

     Me: Valid question, I don’t know.  But it feels like I have been here for a week, and I still have two hours left. 

     Fishie 🐟: It feels like you have been gone for a year.                          I need paint.

Crap, why in the hell does he need paint? What did he do?

     Me: Why? Franklin, what did you do?

     Fishie 🐟: I fixed the hole in the wall

     Me: Thanks, you didn’t have to do that.  

     Fishie 🐟: Well I am the reason there was a hole, I needed to fix it

I can’t help but smile, my heart melts a little at his words.  I remember that night, it was the first time I think I was scared of him, what he could do.  The anger in his eyes, the way his nostrils flared.  He’s never hurt me, he’s never laid a hand on me, except for our awkward hugs.  But I have never seen that look, the look of rage, horror and pain.  I can honestly save it’s a look I hope to never see again.  I responded telling him I will stop on my way home and I would grab some dinner for us. 

With paint in one hand, and a bag of food in the other I walk in the door, shouting a little ‘honey, I’m home’ kicking the door closed behind me and making my way to the kitchen to set the bag of food.  He didn’t respond.  I don’t know what I was expecting, Frankie running out and wrapping me in a hug.  Frankie squealing with excitement, I don’t know.  Really I was expecting anything to let me know that he heard me. I set the food on the table and go in search of Frankie.  

His bedroom light is on, I move closer but I don’t hear anything.  I turn to the open door and find him lying on the bed.  Not sure if he is asleep, I tap on the door gently before I step in.  I know it's my house and all, but he still deserves respect for his privacy and me not just walking into his room.  I thought I was being quiet but his head instantly lifts up to see me walking into his room before lying down again. 

“Do you know how many little black specks there are in this room?” he asks his voice flat

“What?” I look up to the ceiling, honestly I didn’t even know there was black speck in the paint.  I never changed the ceiling paint color when I moved in.  It was white and I just kinda left it

“There are 2,873…” he says sitting up, “and there are 3,452 in the living room” 

“Hmmm” I comment still looking up, what do you know if you look close enough there are little black specks

“There are 643 in the bathroom” he moves closer, wrapping my entire body into a bear hug, “I was really fucking bored without you” 

I don’t know if I should smile or be seriously concerned about this. I wrap my free arm around his waist returning his hug.  He took a shower today, and he smells amazing.  He smells like Christmas.  Cinnamon, fennel and pine.  There’s also something so uniquely Frankie that I can’t put my exact finger on it.  He has clean clothes too I notice, and while the counting of the little black specks has me worried.  I am proud of him for taking small steps without me telling him to shower.

“I got a surprise for you” I grin and pull back from the hug

“More stickers?”

“Why don’t you go to the kitchen and find out” 

I watch as he all but runs to the kitchen, I stay by his bedroom and he cheers when he sees the bag of Thai food on the table. ‘THANK YOU’ I hear him yell.  The feelings I get are indescribable, it feels like he has been living here with me for years. As each day passes I think I am falling in love with him.  I can’t fall in love with him, my brothers will kill me if I did. 

“I found a NA meeting place…class?” he says putting more food on his plate

“That’s great” 

“It’s a few nights a week.  The paper said I can go once a week or to all of them” 

Maybe having something planned in my schedule would make the day go faster.  Knowing I had something to do might help my mind not think about it.  I was so close to texting Steve for a few rocks.  Just a few…enough to get by until Benny was home again.  Hell I was close to texting Nicole just to have something, or someone to do.  I’ve been living with Alex for a little over a month, and while things were good I wanted to go home.  Benny would give him my space, I could get fucked up and Benny would never notice.  That, and I was falling for Alex. I can’t fall for her, she was off limits.

“I think that’s great” she smiles at him.  She’s proud of me, the smile on her face says it all, “maybe you can find ways to help fight the urge.  Find out how I can help you” I nod “cuz I have no fucking clue what I am doing”

The next day wasn’t any better.

Lunch had rolled around and Laura had left me alone at the desk. It was a slow day, so the workload was pretty easy. I finish up a phone call when the little bell on the door chimes letting me know someone had walked in.  I love up and see Dave walking towards me, damn was he hot. I smile at him and put the phone down.

I notice he doesn’t have anything in his hands this time, like he did yesterday.  Maybe Laura and him were really a thing. 

“Hey Dave, Laura is at lunch if you wanna come back” 

“I actually came to see you” his lips curve up, and there was that damn gleam in his eyes again

“Oh?” Was the best response I could think of at the time

“So, I know we just met and this sounds kinda crazy but…” he starts

“Here’s your number so call you maybe” the fuck was that Alex I think

He laughs, ok maybe that response wasn’t as bad as I thought.  Why did I become so socially awkward when a handsome man was standing in front of me and I think he was flirting. 

“Something like that, I was wondering if you might like to join me for dinner on Friday?” he asks 

Wait, is he serious? Did he just ask me out?  Is this really happening?  I think my brain stopped working for a few moments, then I heard his voice again “Alex?”

“YES” I say a little to loudly, he chuckles “yes, Dave that would be great”

We exchanged numbers, he said he’d pick me up on Friday around 8 for dinner. 

I stood by the front door, adjusting my hair one last time before Dave was to arrive.  Frankie watched me like a hawk from the couch. Ever since I told him about my date, he had been weird.  Not wanting me to leave his side when we were home. I didn’t know what was going on, he was being clingy and we weren’t even dating. 

“Where are you going?” He asks

“I have a date, I told you” I sigh 

“And your wearing that?” 

She was in a little black dress.  The hem stopped mid thigh, it hugged every single one of her curves perfectly.  The deep v-neck not leaving much to the imagination.  The small strings holding it together in a complicated, twisting pattern down her back.  There was no way I was going to let her be going out of the house like this.  I didn’t know Dave, but I didn’t need to know exactly where his thoughts were going to be seeing her dressed like this. Her hair was effortlessly curly tonight, flowing like a wave down her shoulders.  She looked like an angel in every sense of the word. Her makeup was simple, enhancing her beauty and I was jealous of this guy getting to take her out. 

“Yes, is there a problem?” She slips into her black stilettos that only enhanced her long toned legs

“Yeah, there is” I was angry that she was going out with this man who was probably better than me in every way. “You look like a…a…” I stutter

“A what Francisco?” She hears a car pulling into her driveway and she grabs her dark green leather jacket

“Fuck, you just..ugh…you like Iike your asking for it” I finally says and the doorbell rings

‘Shit, did I really just say that?’  I wanted to be Dave, he wanted to be the one taking her out for dinner.  I wanted to be the one she was wearing a dress like that for. My heart has belonged to her, but I am to much of a dumbass to do anything about it

“Fuck you, I’ll be back later” her words laced with anger as she opens the door.  “Hey Dave, lets go” her voice suddenly cheerful as she slams the door closed behind her. 

Strike two…at this rate I might as well pack up my shit and leave before she gets back. She is the one working, she is the one providing for me while I sit in my room feeling sorry for myself counting stupid little black specks of paint on the ceiling. I went to one class and hated it.  I reach for my phone on the coffee table

“Hello?” The voice on the other end answers

“Hey, wanna get fucked up tonight?” I ask

“Never thought you asked.  I got some good stuff, meet at Hangers?” 

“Yes please. Let’s do this, I need to forget” 

Talking with Dave was easy. The conversation flowed and there was never an awkward moment.  Dave told me about his time working for the FBI, crime scene detective but things weren’t working the way he wanted to, he felt trapped and wanted something else.

“So now you try to convince people to buy overpriced medical supplies?” I grin  

“I can be very convincing when I want to be” he smiles, “I convinced you to go out with me” 

“Fair” 

I should be enjoying my time with this handsome man sitting in front of me, I shouldn’t be thinking about Frankie.  But that is exactly what is happening. We’ve had a rough few days, ever since I told him about my date that afternoon and I hate that we got into an argument before I left. Dave had asked if I wanted to go for a short walk around the lake and with my mind only half functioning I agreed to it.  His fingers slowly intertwine with mine. 

We stop in front of a little fountain with a small stringed band. A violin, a cello, and a harp play lovely music.  Dave spins me and places a hand on my waist as we sway to the music. I placed a hand on his shoulder, there was a part of me that thinks he had this entire thing planned. It was too perfect, then there’s the hopeless romantic in me that is loving every minute of it.  We continue to dance as more couples join us. 

“I use to be in a band” his lips brush over my ear sending a shiver down my spin

He pulls back smiling at me, my fingertips gently playing with the short hair at the nape of my neck.  He leans in closer to me and I close my eyes waiting for our lips to touch when I hear the undeniable ringtone ‘Highway to the danger zone…’ begins to play from my back pocket.  Trying to ignore the call, I pull Dave’s face closer when the song begins to play again.

“Shit, I’m sorry” I shake my head and back away from him.  I don’t even look at the name on the caller ID to know it’s him. “What do you want now?” I answer a little annoyed

“Ms. Miller?” 

“Very funny Franklin” I don’t hear a laugh from the other end “Frankie?” 

“Is this Alex” the voice says again, it’s hard to hear over the music and crowd hum in the background 

“Yes it is, is everything ok?” sudden panic washing over me

“Hi, I’m Clint, down at Handlebars, and your friend here is very intoxicated and might be on some kind of drug. But he is trying to start fights with other patrons. I do what I can to not call the cops, but ma’am he is getting out of hand, and I need you to come get him” the voice becomes clearer

“Fuck,” I pinch the bridge of my nose, “I’m not close its going to be a little bit before I can get there” 

“We have him sitting outside at the moment, but if he tries to punch someone again, I will have to have the police involved” 

“Can I talk to him for a minute?” I ask 

Why was he doing this?

A couple lines of coke, two beers and a half dozen of tequila shots later I was feeling pretty damn good. I was currently in the bathroom, with some blonde chick's lips on my dick. I knew I wasn’t going to last long after all the shit I’ve  taken but damn did it feel good. 

“Shit…” I mutter, gathering her hair in a fist behind her head, bracing myself against the sink with the other. One more deep throat by her and I was a goner.  My cock still pulsing as she lets me go. Standing up, she wipes her face before leaning in giving me a sloppy kiss. 

“That was fun…” she pats my cheek, “…find me again some time” she flips her hair back unlocking the door she steps out leaving me alone. Pants still around his ankles, heart racing as I try to catch my breath. 

I reach over and locks the door, grabbing a paper towel I turn on the water and clean myself up.  I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes red with dark circles below them. I look like I had aged 15 years from just this morning. I should be feeling great, I finally had cocaine back in my system, I was buzzed, and I just got a free blow job from Kitty? Maybe that was her name. Frankly I didn’t care, I also forgot the minute her lips touched mine. The only thing I could think about was how disappointed Alex was going to be in me. I should go home. 

I step out of the bathroom and make the trek back to the bar next to Steve. Walking past the set of pool tables I stumble into a big burly biker. Leather vests, tattooed arms, a bandanna wrapped around his head with a long salt and pepper beard. 

“Watch where your walking” the man grunts 

“Make me fucker” I slur 

The large man shoves me from behind making me stumble into a table full of empty glasses. I turn around, bringing my fist back. I go to punch the man who shoved me. My hand moved slowly then my brain was working and the large biker threw his own punch hitting me on the check. A gash opens along my cheek and blood begins to flow. A bouncer steps in pulling us apart. He drags me outside, and sets me on a bench around the corner of the building. 

Steve is nowhere to be found and now a young punk looking kid is yelling at me for disturbing the peace inside his bar. Demanding me to give him my phone before threatening to get the police involved. Begrudgingly I unlock the phone and hand it over. 

“Ms. Miller” I hear him say 

Shit…strike three. 

The man handed me my phone back, I shoved it in his pocket. And with that he was gone leaving me alone with the bouncer. I lean back, head hitting the brick wall behind me. The high I was feeling moments ago, now fading realizing that there is a 95% chance that Alex was not going to forgive me. 

“Thanks, I am so sorry” I unbuckle my seatbelt

“Are you going to be ok?” Dave asks placing a hand on top of my thigh

I take a deep sigh, honestly I didn’t know. I was having fun, it was turning out to be a good night, then Frankie called. I was angry, I was frustrated, I was upset. But I don’t want to drag Dave down with me. I turn my head to face him, giving him a quick kiss to his check. 

“Yeah, I’ll be good. Thank you again” I say opening the door 

“Call me when you get home” I nod and close the door. 

I walked into the bar, stopped by a burly man who I guessed was a bouncer. “Can I help you?” He asks 

“Yeah I’m looking for uhm Cliff? Clint maybe…the owner he has my friend” I couldn’t remember the name of the man now that I was here. Hurt, anger, disappointment so many emotions and I was going to have to keep them in check when I got to Frankie. Clearly being the ‘friend’ wasn’t working and I was going to need a different approach. 

“Are you Mrs. Miller?” The bouncer asks 

“Ms. but yes” 

“Outside, to the right. Let him know he’s now allowed back. Gary doesn’t want to press charges but your friend is trespassed from here” 

‘Press charges? He’s trespassed? Fuck what did he do?’ My thoughts are racing, did I really want to know. He had been in a mood since I told him about my date, and yet here I am recusing him yet again. 

I walk back outside and look to the right, not seeing right away. I walk down to the edge of the building and turn the corner, finding him sitting on a beat up wooden bench with a large man acting like a bodyguard. He was the size of a tree, his arms were massive and I’m fairly sure he could squish someone like a bug if he wanted to. 

Frankie in his usual tan colored Carhartt jacket, his favorite black baseball cap pulled down low. He turns my direction when he hears my heels on the pebbles. He has a long gash on his left cheek, dried blood under it. He continues to sit there, more anger floods my veins. 

“There she is, there’s my girl” 

I stop in front of him, my arms crossed over my body. This is where the relationship changes, I will no longer be sweet, it’s time to lay down the law and get his ass clean. 

“Get up” my voice is stern

He doesn’t move, he continues to sit there. A small smile pulling on his lips, acting as if he isn’t a complete fucking disaster. He raises his arms and makes grabby hands, beckoning me to come help him. I shake my head no. 

“Get the fuck up Morales” I cross my arms, he needs to know I’m upset and his little act isn’t going to help me. I swear I hear the tree of man chuckle at the situation playing out in front of him. 

“Help Me” he turns his head looking at me with this sad puppy eyes, this eyes he knows I can’t say no to

“No. You got into this, now get up” I am trying to not break, but he knows what to do to get me to break 

Groaning, he places his hands on the edge of the bench and pushes himself up. He sways where he is standing. He looks at his feet, his mind willing his feet to move. Putting his left food in front of the right and he stumbles. Before thinking I move to him. My heels make us the same height and easier for him to lean against me. Wrapping his arm over my shoulder I wrap mine around his waist. Adjust his hold on me he leans his head against mine, “I knew you’d catch me” he slurs 

“You’re on thin ice Francisco, don’t push it” I groan as he leans all his weight into me

“Mi Cielito” he says softly

“Where’d you park?” I ask, my hand readjusting around his hip as he holds me like a cutch and we stumble in the parking lot 

He shrugs, “don’t remember” his face is towards me, I scrunch my face as he reeks of alcohol 

After what feels like an hour of wandering around this parking lot, his truck finally comes into view, of course Frankie would be back in the back, in the middle of nowhere. Sighing a ‘thank god’, I hope he didn’t hear.  I stop by the passenger door, and I lean him against it, praying that he doesn’t fall.  Reaching into his coat pocket I pull out the keys and unlock the door. I grab him by the waist and turn his body into the truck. 

“You could at least by me dinner first” he chuckles adjusting his body in the car

“Shut up Francisco, you still have the first aid kit in here?” I ask looking under the front seat before moving to the back

Before Frankie can answer I pull out a little red box, his head leaning against the headrest. I watch as he struggles to keep his eyes open. With the first aid open, I rip open the wet-nap. I take his chin and gently turn his head towards me so I can see what I am doing better. The street lamp offers minimal light. I clean the dried blood on his cheek, and expect the gash. Tossing that at Frankie’s feet, I grab a towel from the kit and as carefully as I can dap the area dry. He flinches in pain. Finally I open the antibiotic cream, and rub a line of it over the cut hoping to keep it clean for the moment.

“It doesn’t look like you need stitches” I tell him, “what the fuck happened?”

“I got punched” he mumbles “asshole”

“Yeah, I can see you got punched, what did you do?” I ask again

“He shoved me, then I tried to punch him and he hit first” he rolls his eyes “are you mad?” 

Honestly, I didn’t know anymore. I was angry at him. I thought we were doing well, but that just proved to me this little sticker thing was a dumb idea from the start. I was sad, I was hurt, disappointed, but with all these feelings, the word mad didn’t come up anymore. I was worried about him. 

“I don’t know…” I turn his body forward, reaching behind him I grab the seat belt and lean over his body to hook it in. “I really don’t know anymore” I sigh and close the door 

The drive home was silent, he had his head against the window and I couldn’t tell if he was asleep, or just trying to ignore me. He tried to tell me how unsafe driving barefoot was, but driving with those heels and this truck was more dangerous than whatever gross shit was on his floor.  

“How much did you drink?” I ask

“A couple beers, half dozen shots of tequila…” he pauses, “also…did a few hits of coke” 

“Frankie…” I sigh

Before I can ask him, he begins to tell me he didn’t mean to. He wanted to forget, he wanted to numb the pain. He didn’t know what else to do, so he called a friend. They did a few lines, then went into the bar. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel guilty. I feel like his slip is my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone on a date. Work was one thing, but me going on a date made me feel worse. I wasn’t there when he needed me.  

“Are you mad?” I ask again, but he doesn’t look at her, he can’t handle it. 

I wasn’t worried about her being mad.  No, mad I could handle that. However, the answer she gave me, that’s the answer that hurts the most. Disappointment, it was worse than being mad or angry. I could work with those. But, disappointment was the worst. I was now at rock bottom. I shake my head, and lean against the window. Closing my eyes and praying they wouldn’t re-open. 

I feel her hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me “hey sleepy head. Time to wake up, we’re home” 

I groan and lean further into the door trying to escape her touch. My eyes stay closed “sleepy time here” 

“You aren’t sleeping in your truck, let’s get inside. You think you can help me?” She asks

“Oomppf” I groans, when the door I’m leaning against opens, the seat belt doing its job and keeping me up right in the car

Alex reaches into the truck and unhooks the seatbelt, grabbing my hands and she helps me slide out of the truck. She draps one of my arms over her shoulder, and wraps one around my waist, letting me lean against her.  Our height difference isn’t much, but she is supporting most of my weight. 

“Step…” she says and I lift a foot. The two of us stumble up the steps and my head is hurting. I really wish she would have just left me in the truck. 

We stop at the door, my arm moves, readjusting my grip holding on to her. Standing at the front door holding on to me with one hand, while the other fumbles with his keys trying to find the house key. I know I shouldn’t laugh but watching her struggle makes me chuckle. 

“Oh you think this is funny do you?” She’s frustrated and I just made it worse

I knew laughing was bad, but I couldn't help it when she was still struggling with the keys. She turned her focus to me, eyes narrow as she glares. She was cute when she was flustered. I press my lips together. Trying to hold back another laugh. It didn’t work as my eyes locked on to her and I snorted and laughed more. Laugh lines forming at the corner of my eyes I knew I was breaking her down and it would be impossible for her to stay mad at me. 

“If I let you go, you're not gonna fall are you?” She asks, her voice something between concern and anger. I just shrug, I probably would fall but she doesn’t need to know the truth 

Annoyed with my answer she sighs. I moved closer to her, she was warm, despite her anger and frustration with me. She was safe. She felt like home. I lean against her still struggling with the door. Finally, after a ten minute fight with the door she gets it opened. We stumble into the dark house. Thankfully getting the door locked on the inside was a much easier battle. 

“Alright Franklin, let’s get you to bed” 

My hallway is definitely not big enough for two people to walk side by side especially when one of the people is drunk. I try to position myself in front of Frankie, both his arms over my shoulders as his chest rests against my back. 

We reach his room and I move him towards his bed. I turn him and help him sit down. His hat had fallen off someone along the journey into his room. I slide off his jacket, turning to hang it in the chair. In slow motion Frankie begins to fall back “no..no…no” I grab his arm just in time keeping him up right on the bed. If he fell backwards I knew trying to undress him would be impossible.  

“Ok arms up” I say, he follows my order and lifts his arms above his head. 

“So bossy” he mumbles as I take the shirt off and toss it towards his dirty laundry pile. 

My hands rest on his broad shoulders. The muscle definition is still very evident in his biceps. I pray he doesn’t notice my eyes wander down his bare chest, briefly holding at his tattoo. I’ve never really looked at it this close. 

His hands reach for the hem of my dress, slowly beginning to lift it higher on my thigh. “You’re turn” he says before I catch his wrists 

“You’re drunk” I say softly and he shrugs

“Didn’t stop some people” 

I’m sure it didn’t, Frankie never had a problem getting girls, but I don’t know thinking about him being with others makes me slightly jealous, I shake my head and let go of his wrists. 

I bend down in front of him, his hands resting on my shoulders as I untie his shoes. He takes the hint and works with me to get his shoes off.  I start to stand up, “what about my pants?” he almost falls forward giggling. Good to know he still thinks this is funny “I don’t like pants” 

I roll my eyes and lean forward reaching for his belt buckle. I undo it and the button to his jeans. He falls back lifting his hips just enough for me to slide them off tossing it with the shirt. “There, are you happy?” 

He shuffles under the sheets, before I can go he grabs my hand “stay?” He asks. I don’t even have to look at him to know the look he’s giving me. Batting his eyes, his bottom lip quivers, using his big brown eyes to his advantage 

“Frankie, I can’t…” I sigh 

“Please?” 

I squeeze her hand, he doesn’t want to be alone. “Just till I fall asleep?” I add 

“Fine, just tell you fall asleep” I watch as she slides off her leather jacket and sets it on the back of my chair. Turning the light off, she shuffled back to me

I slide back, giving her enough room to lay down. I’m on my side, has my arm out. She lays down using my one arm as a pillow and I drape the other over her. She pulls the cover up. My hand resting on her hip. I lean into her resting my forehead against her temple breathing in the familiar scent of her shampoo. Hints of cherry and strawberry fill my senses. It smells like summer, it smells like home. 

Her hand rubs up and down my forearm in a soothing fashion. I feel so comfortable with her here. It’s where I want to keep her. 

“He’s not good enough for you” I say softly 

“What?” She twists her head to look at me

My eyes open to see hers staring at me, “Your date tonight” 

“You don’t even know him” she sighs 

“No one will be good enough for you Alex” I grip her tighter pulling her closer to me. I lean in closer to her. I want to kiss her, I want her to know how I feel. As much as I don’t think the guy she went out with today isn’t good enough, I know I’m not good enough either. 

She sighs again, turning her head to stare at the ceiling. Her finger tips brush over my skin. My thumb strokes her hip over her black dress. A black dress I wished was on the floor. 

I lift my head, leaning closer. I stick out my tongue and lick the side of her face. From check to temple. When her hands go still on my arm, but don’t move away I smile and lay my head back down. 

Twisting her head to look at me, I watch as she smiles back at me. My smile widens, I know my dimple appears and she shakes her head, “did you just lick me?” 

“I did…” I sigh and close my eyes again. Sleep just on the horizon. I hear her ask me why, “to say your mine. Like when you like something when your a kid you don’t want someone else to have” 

“Frankie” she sighs 

“You’re too good for him” and by him - I really meant myself. 

ANN: A huge shout out to @musings-of-a-rose for helping me with this and giving me confidence to post this in first person. I am still terrified of it. @theewokingdead and @heythere-mel for listening to my random ass ideas at all hours. I love each and every one of you.

Looking for more of my fics check out my masterlist. And check out other writers at @littlemisspascal and their library for all Pedro Characters

#christina writes #Just A Dream #Pedro Pascal #Frankie Morales #Francisco Morales #Francisco 'Catfish' Morales #Pedro Pascal Character Fan Fic #Pedro Pascal Characters #Triple Frontier AU #frankie x f!reader #Frankie Morales x OFC

[we-are-inevitable]

Davey and Santa Fe- i’m very curious

this same ask was sent to asper so go read that bc it hurt so good

and where asper talked abt a little bit of canon era dreaming, i’m gonna talk about modern au reality!

i genuinely think that davey, though strong willed and generally confident in himself, would also be the kind of person to push away what he wants in favor of letting his partner’s dreams come true first. he’s willing to compromise and give away his entire life for jack, because he loves jack, and he wants jack to be happy because happiness doesn’t come easily for jack kelly and i think this would culminate in jack and davey moving to Santa Fe after graduating college.

and for the first month, it’s lovely. most of their time is spent fixing up the house, but they go exploring in the beautiful nature surrounding the town and find little shops and restaurants they like. jack is able to start selling prints of his original paintings and he gains traction doing commissions so it’s all really lovely, and davey finds work as an eighth grade reading teacher, and things are good and fine and davey definitely isn’t miserable. totally not.

because he can’t be miserable, this is jack’s dream, always has been, and he’s wants to support it- but davey is so far away from the friends and family he relied on, and santa fe is hit, which seems like a little thing to complain about but if davey’s environment isn’t comfortable then he isn’t comfortable and it makes him feel awful.

awful, because he’s supposed to be supporting jack’s dream of a house and a yard and a dog in New Mexico, when his own dream has always been a studio apartment and a rooftop garden and a cat in New York.

i think jack notices the shift around the three month mark. davey comes home from work and, instead of laying on the couch in jack’s sunlit painting room, he lays in bed in a dark bedroom. on weekends, davey doesn’t really feel like going anywhere, and when they *do* go out and explore, davey is having to force himself to have fun and jack can tell.

the breaking point is jack walking into their dark bedroom- the blackout curtains are drawn and not even the lamp is on- and seeing davey there, sitting up in bed and wiping tears from his eyes. he’s not freaking out, he’s not uncontrollably crying- he’s just resigned, and to jack, that’s even worse.

so, he sits, and they talk. davey tells jack he hates it here, in more elegant terms. jack tells davey this is all he’s ever wanted. and david says, i know, you’re flourishing here, and i don’t want to ruin that for you. i love you so much. i won’t be able to live with myself if i take you away from this. and jack says, but what about you? your happiness matters to me.

the idea i have in my brain is a break up. one neither of them want, because they’ve been together for nearly three years, but one that’s needed until they figure this out. and david knows it’s his fault for not speaking up and saying he doesn’t want to move, and jack knows it’s his fault for blindly dragging david out here.

because jack’s dream is a place, but davey’s dream is jack, and it doesn’t work for either of them yet.

davey moves back to new york over winter break, and starts a master’s program at NYU Steinhardt.

jack moves back to new york four years later, because he feels antsy and needs to go home.

he invites david out to dinner when he gets back. david agrees. they greet each other like old friends, and the rest is history.

#right person wrong time… wrong city wrong state etc #there’s something so special about davey giving up on his dreams for jack before realizing he shouldn’t have to. and i think that’s lovely #jack kelly #davey jacobs #david jacobs #newsies #livesies #jac txt. #ask a jac ! #newsies musical

[sillycyan]

There is so many things I want to start as hobbies and what not, but they are way too expensive to truly dive into.. SO INSTEAD IM GONNA LIST EM + go on random side rants

TLDR: Take care of ferrets, skateboard, biker, art, vtuber, open sticker shop, collect manga and figures, scriptwriter, and learn Russian.

I definitely want ferrets in the far future. There has been hours on hours of research and planning to make it happen (ᗒᗣᗕ) This is something that does have to wait a few years when I’m financially stable and sticking to things in the house.

Skateboarding.. I have a board, but it’s a very DOOKIE one so around this month I’m gonna stop by a shop for a new one. The main problem here is that I live in a city so there is really no places to skate around and I already feel judged just being outside.. Imagine me on a skateboard??? I’m dying??

Hear me out on this one.. BIKER.. I recently have been really looking into motorcycles and when I do move out of the city (x_x) I’d truly rather be on a bike then in a car for reasons I will NOT explain. Cost wise it’s pricey, will have to be long term, and 100% is being my whole personality

I have been drawing on and off for a few years but with that I can’t trust myself to turn it into something serious as I have already quick multiple times for months to years at a time. I already own a drawing tablet, you not catching me on paper, and I already have a start. With art I feel forced to start commissions because it’s already so pressured to make money off it and that ruined the fun for me.

I want to stream as a vtuber soo badd!!! I already have a model now and plan to stream on my own time, but I’d love to be in an actual agency. Ofc I probably won’t be good enough for any because IM BLACK and it’s impossible to even get into any big names with that factor without being forced under a white and/or japanese persona… but it’s worth a shot yk?? Half throwing shade at the main vtuber agencies bc holy the racism in the community alone is horrible D:

Very sadly I got all the boring hyperfixations so I weirdly wish I could start a little sticker shop (-_-) Just for very cute random sticker sheets.. I collect stickers because it’s fun even though I haven’t use them because I don’t like to decorate my items with colors. Weirdly ties into how I’m a minimalist and I should never have kids because they would be the iconic “sad beige baby” GOD FOR BID I HAVE A GIRL oh my god they will never see the color pink ever (helps the color stereotypes ig)

Reallyyy REALLY want to collect manga. There are a few series I really just want to own and read SO IMA LISTEN EM HEHHE.. Banana Fish (own 1-9), Goodnight PunPun, Vagabond, A Girl on the Shore, Blood on the Tracks, Doomsday With My Dog, Chainsaw Man, Dandadan, Doubt, A Man and His Cat, and other names I’m not abt to remember..

Along with collecting manga I would love to collect figures, just a good few anime and game ones. Then just a whole bunch of Miku, but I’m stopping the blue aesthetic for my area and changing it to GREEN.. Really want the Banana Fish and Little Nightmares figured soo badd!!!!3!:?:!(:&36:

I cant drop too many details but.. scriptwriter.. I just think I could sit down and do that. NOT DROPPING SPECIFICS BC ITS EMBARRASSING SOO NEXTTT

Not sure if I can count this here, but I really want to talk time to learn Russian..? Show I’m fixated on and have been for years is in Russian and holy it made me wanna learn so baddd RAAAHHHHH

Just dropped 10 because no one is reading allat NOT EVEN I.. so if yew did read everything then helloo :))) I’m not gonna reread through nothing so sorry if it had bad spelling or grammar.. Rants don’t got time for allat

time to add a bunch of tags in relation to EVERYTHING update: not doin allat

#random rants #hyperfixation #I just wanna start hobbies man.. #ermmm awkward #hobbies #raaahhh #cyanrants #CyYapOfTheCentury

[bingsoo-jung]

This or That

I was tagged by @writinglittlebeasts if anyone else wishes to do this, please just do it. I grant you permission to tag me saying I tagged you okay?​

I am also incredibly opinionated and this is about to show.

|| HISTORICAL or FUTURISTIC ||

So while I almost exclusively write historically set fantasy, I’m actually far more of a scifi girlie! I just... struggle to write it. But I tend to enjoy scifi set in the future a bit more and find the tropes easier to understand. I just tend to get caught up in the granularity of writing it and the science of it. This is very likely because I study astrophysics and math.

|| OPENING or CLOSING CHAPTER ||

While I love closing chapters from other people. I’m better at writing openings. What can I say, I’m a ‘make a fucking splash’ person.

|| LIGHT+FLUFFY or DARK+GRITTY ||

I love fluff. I read so much fluff. I, however, write fucked up little dudes in fucked up little worlds. I also think that keeping your eyes to purely hopeful things can limit the stories you want to tell. While the same can be said for dark and gritty, let’s be honest, no anti-colonial story is ever told with a purely light and fluffy setting. The premise of addressing such violence predicates darker themes. And I really enjoy telling colonizers to fucking shove it.

|| ANIMAL COMPANION or FOUND FAMILY ||

While I can intellectually appreciate a good animal companion. I’m going to be so real with you, I don’t care enough about animals for that. I was never into cats or dogs as a kid, never wanted to be an animal. I like being human so much. On top of which, I think found family is so sweet. While I tend to keep more to ‘actual family’ rather than found family in my writing, I like the idea of making your own fate and comfort and friends, and of binding yourself to people out of choice and dedication and blood. So found family all the fucking way.

|| HORROR or ROMANCE ||

I don’t write horror or romance. But I think there is something shocking and beautiful in the macabre of twisted delights as we fall together and apart and back together again. Also most romance is just written so badly that I think I have to choose horror for this.

|| HARD MAGIC SYSTEM or SOFT MAGIC SYSTEM ||

So legally I should say hard for this, since, once more, local science bitch here. But in reality, soft magic systems I think allow for magic to be more of a mechanic of the plot and relationships than something that must be defined for “plot purposes.” As long as a soft magic system maintains its internal logic system I will often prefer it to a hard magic system. I also think a lot of hard magic systems end up being weirdly sexist (@brandonsanderson you mfer.)

|| STANDALONE or SERIES ||

I love love series. But I think people’ve lost sight of what a good standalone can mean. I also think a lot of people are being pushed into writing series because publishers want money more than they want quality.

|| ONE PROJECT AT A TIME or ALWAYS JUGGLING 2+ ||

I used to be always juggling, but I like having one thing to focus on and spiral about. It also means I’m going crazy over one story, but that’s fine.

|| ONE AWARD WINNER or ONE BESTSELLER ||

Bestseller statuses are meaningless. You know what’s not? A Ignyte or Hugo or Nebula. I like having shiny statues that let you know I was very good at a very specific thing.

|| FANTASY OR SCI-FI ||

See this goes back to the original thing. I am a scientist, most of the media I consume by myself is science fiction. While I do play ttrpgs and almost only play them in fantasy settings, and only write fantasy, this is because I can’t convince other people to play science fiction games with me. I almost only watch scifi shows and listen to scifi podcasts. While I tend to read more fantasy this is because of a lack of good modern scifi in my opinion. Science fiction is at it’s best when there is research behind it, when people bother to realise that the universe is near infinite and thus there are near infinite possibilities for different existences out there.

Magic to me, while beautiful, is something of fairy tales and unrealities in a way we use to discuss the past. Fantasy is how we discuss what was and unpack the yesteryears of existence. The past, no matter how we memorialize what was and what we lost, will always have been imperfect. That’s an unfortunate reality. I write Asian fantasy, and even though I celebrate what was good and what was lost, the deal is that was lost, and we can never truly regain it. And for all the things that were beautiful, there were a hundred more things that weren’t. Like while queerness was more acceptable in Siam and Ayutthaya, it wasn’t perfect. There was still sexism and structural homophobia, and no wishing for what was will change that. But the future is what we make of it, and thus science fiction is how we set down the roads to dream of those better and more perfect futures. I want to make a better world and I think we do that through dreaming a better one.

|| CHARACTER DESCRIPTION or SETTING DESCRIPTION ||

I appreciate a good character description, but I think people tend to focus too much on the reality of what someone looks like rather than the impression it leaves. I also just enjoy writing the setting more. I don’t think character description is always necessary. But knowing where you are and the ways in which location fill characters with sensation are just more fun.

|| FIRST DRAFT or FINAL DRAFT ||

I WANT TO BE DONE. I WANT TO BREAK FREE.

|| LOVE TRIANGLE IN EVERYTHING or NO ROMANTIC ARCS ||

Am I currently trying to solve love triangles with polyamory? Yes. Do I think people need to stop acting like romance is the end all be fucking all of stories and existence and that love comes in more forms than romantic overtures? Yes. Draw back on the romance folks. Sometimes a good plot with solid friendships is better than two people kissing. 

|| CONSTANT SANDSTORM or RAINSTORM ||

I hate both of these. But I hate sand more than I hate water. I am a SEAsian from SoCal. I need humidity to live.

#tag games

[survey--s]

421.

~HABiTS~

Do you tend to speed when you drive? Not on purpose, but it definitely happens. We have a lot of roads round here that go from 40 to 30 then back again in a short space of time and it’s easy to lose track lol.

Do you smoke cigarettes? Not anymore, but I did smoke occasionally as a student.

Does your temper flare a lot? I wouldn’t say so, but I am easily irritated.

Do you get emotional easily? Yes. Not outwardly, though.

Do you get obnoxious when you’re drunk? No, I don’t think so.

Which shoe goes on first? Whichever is closest I think.

Are you lazy? No. I enjoy lazy days and downtime but not at the expense of getting stuff done. I still walk the dog, do housework and keep the house clean etc.

Name one thing you do that people always tell you about. Talk to animals like they’re people.

Are you superstitious? No.

Do you get bored with relationships quickly? No.

Can you sleep without blankets covering you? I CAN, but I’d never choose to. I love being covered and feeling cosy under blankets.

What position do you sleep in? Normally curled up on my side, but sometimes I sleep on my back.

What do you do when you’re angry? Rant, or shut down, depending on the situation.

What do you do when you’re sad? Cry, wallow, watch sad films or listen to sad music.

Who do you call when you have a bad day? My mum.

-Y0UR ABC’S-

A - is for the last person that made you ANGRY. I can’t remember the last time I was properly angry, to be honest.

B - is for BEER you prefer. I’m not really a fan of beer.

C - is for do you have a CAT? Yeah, we have three cats named Layla, Toby and Purrlock.

D - is for can you DANCE? Not very well, no.

E - is for do you have your EARS pierced? Yeah, I have eight ear piercings at the moment - used to have more.

F - is for your best FRIEND. Michael.

G - is for did you ever watch GUTS on Nickelodeon? No, we never had Nickelodeon as a channel - just whatever shows were bought by ITV.

H - is for the last person who HUGGED you? Michael.

I - is for close your eyes.. what IMAGE do you see? Blackness and like, a zooming galaxy effect.

J - is for have you ever been to JAIL? Nope.

K - is for when is the last time you flew a KITE? About five years ago.

L - is for the LOVE of your life. Michael.

M - is for the last piece of MAIL you got. A parcel that contained Toby’s medication.

N - is for do you remember NERF guns? I remember them but I was never allowed one and never played with them.

O - is for do you OWN a car? I do indeed.

P - is for your favorite PASTTIME. Horse riding.

Q - is for do you like peace & QUIET? Definitely. I need at least a couple of hours to myself everyday just to maintain my sanity.

R - is for do you like the color RED? I love burgundy/deep reds.

S - is for how many hours of SLEEP you need to function? I can cope on none, but my ideal amount is 8-9 hours a night.

T - is for what TIME is it? 7.46pm.

U - is for what is UNDER your bed? Loads of Mike’s stuff. He uses under the bed as some kind of storage area.

V - is for what you did last VALENTINE’S day. I think we got a takeaway? We both worked though.

W - is for do you drink a lot of WATER? No. I pretty much never drink plain water.

X - is for have you ever had an X-RAY? Yeah, I had teeth x-rays three days ago, actually.

Y - is for the last person you YELLED at. Michael, but just to get his attention.

Z - is for have you ever watched ZORRO? Nope.

-RAND0M-

Who do you wish you could hang out with right now? I’m happy enough on my own for now.

Name one thing you absolutely can not stand. Bratty children whose parents can’t be bothered to keep them under control.

Where do you spend most of your time? Home or out walking dogs.

If you could fly, where would you go first? Somewhere hot and sunny - maybe The Seychelles.

What was the best vacation you’ve ever been on? All our skiing trips to Canada or the holidays we took to Italy.

Have you ever hit a squirrel when you were driving? Hmm, probably. They just run out into the road and it’s safer to keep going than it is to stop or try and swerve them.

Did your car ever break down? No, I’ve had a couple of flat tyres but otherwise I’ve been pretty lucky.

What’s your favorite thing to do on the weekend? Horse ride, sleep, watch TV, relax.

What radio station do you listen to most often? Radio One.

Pick one: Papa John’s, Dominoes, or Pizza Hut. Papa John’s, but we don’t have one nearby unfortunately. Then Pizza Hut goes second, and Dominos is last.

What is the longest amount of time you’ve been awake? 50+ hours.

What would you do if you found out the world was ending in one week? I mean, there’s not really much I could except carry on as normal, lol.

Do scary movies make you paranoid when you watch them alone? They don’t scare me, I just don’t enjoy them.

Name one thing you’ve lied about recently. I can’t remember.

What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Big Momma’s House 2.

Who was the first person to ever give you flowers? A boy named William when we were about six.

#survey #surveys

[twohundredpower]

𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙀𝙍  001 : THE OUTSIDE .

NAME :  lloyd irving EYE  COLOUR : whiskey brown HAIR  STYLE   /   COLOUR : a brown mullet. i’m not gonna lie to y’all. lloyd can have his hair down, but he styles it upwards to where it’s sort of spikey, and has two ends tied off at the base of his neck. someone should cut them off HEIGHT : 5′10″ CLOTHING  STYLE : he owns seven variations of the same outfit, one for every day of the week! i wish i was joking! even if his clothing seems impractical (why does his jacket need buttons up both of the arms), lloyd thinks he always looks incredibly cool. zelos has bought him some stylish clothes for the fall and winter, so he at least has those PHYSICAL  FEATURE : his eyes are very pretty, and he has a smile that can light up a whole room

𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙀𝙍  002 : THE INSIDE .

FEARS : losing the people he loves, failing them, not being able to save them in time, death.

𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙀𝙍  003 : THOUGHTS .

FIRST  THOUGHTS  WAKING  UP :  most mornings it’s probably a combination of ‘time to start the day!’ and ‘i wonder what’s for breakfast’ WHAT  THEY  THINK  ABOUT  MOST :  how grateful he is for the life he has at current. lloyd also thinks of aselia very often; he misses his other dad, and the friends that can’t be with him in spirale. but he’s determined to live his life to the fullest until he can see them again. WHAT  THEY  THINK  ABOUT  BEFORE  BED :  probably how happy he is to be with zelos. most nights he falls asleep first, but he always keeps zelos close; and whenever he manages to sneak a peek at him in the middle of the night, he smiles before he drifts off again WHAT  THEY  THINK  THEIR  BEST  QUALITY  IS :  he can be a little cocky in regards to himself sometimes, but i think he admires his own determination more than anything. when it comes to something he really believes in, lloyd won’t back down until it’s completely seen through; he won’t give up even in the toughest of times, especially when it comes to the people he loves.

𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙀𝙍  004 : WHAT’S BETTER ?

SINGLE  OR  GROUP  DATES :  probably single, but i think he’d like to go on group dates every so often! TO  BE  LOVED  OR  RESPECTED :  a little of both, i think BEAUTY  OR  BRAINS :  before either, i would say heart. what’s at someone’s core is what means the most to lloyd; who that person is, what they’ve gone through, etc. but, also, he is very much attracted to pretty people  DOGS  OR  CATS :  dogs

𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙀𝙍  005 :     DO THEY …

LIE : very rarely. lloyd is honest to a fault at times, but when he does lie, he’s extremely bad at it. the only time he was successful was with colette and the hot coffee BELIEVE  IN  THEMSELVES :  yes. he believes in his decisions wholeheartedly, and follows his instinct in everything he does; though lloyd will falter sometimes and question himself when his actions affect others negatively. he holds onto those moments very strongly, but can usually get out of them with a little encouragement. BELIEVE  IN  LOVE :  absolutely, and not just in romantic love, either-- he believes in and cherishes platonic love just as much WANT  SOMEONE :  he has who he wants, and he’s incredibly grateful for their relationship

𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙀𝙍  006 :    HAVE THEY EVER …

BEEN  ON  STAGE :  one time, yes!   DONE  DRUGS :  no   CHANGED  WHO  THEY  WERE  TO  FIT  IN :  definitely not

𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙀𝙍  007 : FAVOURITES .

FAVOURITE  COLOUR :  red FAVOURITE  ANIMAL :   dogs FAVOURITE  BOOK :  lloyd? read? FAVOURITE  GAME :  probably something in his childhood that he’d play with colette and genis!

𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙀𝙍  008 : AGE .

DAY  THEIR  NEXT  BIRTHDAY  WILL  BE :  september 30th (headcanon) HOW  OLD  WILL  THEY  BE :  21! he came to spirale when he was 19

𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙀𝙍  009 : FINISH THE SENTENCE .

I  LOVE :  my friends, my family, and zelos. always. I  FEEL :  almost like myself again. I HIDE :  when i’m not okay. I  MISS :  my dad, my mom, all my friends back at home. I  WISH :  we could all be together again.

#( ⇉ : ` musing ! ) #meme day

[calsgotdepression]

nice outside 1

When my uncle died, I stared at the guitar he gave me until my eyes crossed. When my grandmother died, I listened to her voicemails left on my phone. When my aunt died, I saw a photo taken of clumps of her hair. I’ve never met either of my biological grandfathers. Apparently I look a lot like my mom’s dad. My dad’s mom was too far gone by the time I could have memories of her. My grandfather is losing his memories by the day. Grief is a strange kind of sadness. From the time I started to remember my life, I can’t remember a time where there wasn’t a lingering sense of dread hanging over me. That sadness is a part of me, it made me who I am. But grief, it seeps into you and bores into you as if digging more holes for you to crawl into. How long can a person cry before they die of dehydration? Sometimes I wonder if people actually care about me, or they just stick around because they feel bad. Like hanging out with a terminally ill patient to make their last days as enjoyable as possible. It’s funny how I want to cling to everyone and everything I care about, but always feel like I’m leashed by a higher power, taking me on walks like a dog with a noose around my neck. How is it that people who deserve all the life there is to give are taken away by death so soon? How is it that when I know I am one of the lucky ones, how I know that I was wanted, how I know I love so much and am loved that I still want to throw it all away? I’ve imagined my funeral more times than I’d like to admit. When I was born, my umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. It’s not uncommon for births, but how is it that I was snipped free to breath my first breaths, when so many others don’t have the chance to see the sun? How can I live in a world that is so cruel, a world full of power and war where I sit as bombs fall, unable to move, waiting for the day to come? I don’t live everyday as if it’s my last, and yet I am constantly under the watch of a ticking clock that’s counting down. How is it, that when others look in the mirror, they like what they see? The face that stares back is my own, equally full of disgust for his reflection on the other side. Is it cruel that we were given bodies, or is it cruel that we are given judgement for them? How is it that when I sit and cry tears that burn my eyes, that I’m not the only one? How can I still love this world that lets people feel this way? I believe there is peace in death, but there is none for the living. I’ve lived almost two decades, and it’s nothing, nothing at all, but when is it that I start to feel better? The way I was before medication and transitioning was reckless and hopeless and under a despair that I felt so deeply, I felt I had to cut it out of me. I’m scared of other people. Now, it’s better, and I have no regrets about antidepressants or therapy or transitioning. I’m happier, but I’m not happy. My parents talk about me when I grow older, and imagining things I’ll be doing. How do I tell them I don’t see myself living to see them die? How do I tell them when I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, I still feel like there’s no hope for me in the end? How will they tell my friends when I’m dead that I couldn’t beat the illnesses? How can I tell everyone it’s too much for me? Am I too fragile to exist? Is my wanting to be kind a terrible thing that will leave me discarded as a stepping stone, another statistic, another story to tell like I’ve told about my deceased loved ones here? I don’t want to see my parents die. I don’t want to see my cat die. I don’t want to see my friends die. But how could I do the same to them? I want to hold everyone close and scream to them that I love them and I love you and I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love and it’s okay but am I destined to be alone? When one of my friends tried to kill themselves, I felt an emotion deeper than sadness, deeper than hurt. And still, I think about taking my own life. How do I care so much for others, when I feel like they don’t care about me? Am I too broken to be loved? To be cared for?

#depression #anxiety #dysphoria #dysmorphia #sui thoughts #ramblings #tired #grief

[mead0ws06]

it says go ahead and put anything. So I’m putting anything.

I believe that as we grow older we hide within our flaws instead of chipping at them. We lose the desperation to become a good person and instead focus on simply being and going through the check boxes. I believe that we should never be understood absolutely because then we’d never surprise others, and isn’t that always a nice feeling. When you’re left alone you don’t owe anything to anyone and instead are left with the influence they have had on your way of thinking yet they are not physically there. I went to a bookstore today and saw the poetry book my English teacher let me borrow. I almost bought me a copy and instead I bought a manga instead, Bungo Stray Dogs Beast vol 3. Akutagawa’s sister believed him a selfish man yet all he wanted was to be better, yet his mind is a haunted place and didn’t allow him to see past his own anguish and rage. Atsushi is run by fear, something so strong it runs his entire life. I think rain is a way to remember how small we actually are, and thunder is to help us remember we have a heartbeat and it can skip when faced with Mother Nature. I make Playlists that I promise are going to be good quality and then stuff it with songs I found myself listening to, and I put them in not because it was accurate but because I wanted to listen to it in a new light. I own more books now than I ever have in my entire life. I wax poetry but only in the dead of night when I feel like I’m breathing recycled blood and I spit it out onto my notes app, which blinds me when no one else has eyes on me. I fall in love with characters and see them as myself to gain understanding of who I am and to feel less lonely in the world. If someone wrote that character, they must understand that character, therefore if I ever were to met the author maybe I could see if they would understand me, even if I never spoke a word to them the knowledge of the Maybe is good enough. I crave to talk endlessly to my friends yet feel as if I’ll be eaten alive by my own flesh and walls if I so much as utter a word about passion and love. I’m proud of being 5’9 even if I’m just barely making it to that height. I have a pixie cut and I love my wild curls. Cats just had a liter of kittens in my barn, the mother being pixie and the kittens being mulberry, magnolia, and ceder. I feel different to others how I see the world, how I understand and feel about challenges because I’ve been facing them since before I understood what family was. I was so desperate for love when I was in middle school that I screamed my affections at anyone who will listen, now I see the notifications and all I can feel is my own breathing and not others hearts. I’m 17 and struggling with the idea that I’ll still be unsure of who I am and what to do when I’m an adult. That I’ll still be wearing headphones to block out others on a long car ride, that I’ll still lack social grace and run up to my room whenever I get home without placating others like a good adult is expected to do. I consume stories with the infatuation of someone finding their first love over and over. I can analyze stories for hours yet can’t find it in myself to brush my teeth. I used to think my middle name was gorgeous now all I see is it’s common, and I laugh. I’m a straight A student and can’t will myself to study for my permit test.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

321 of 2023

My Secrets 🩷 [True or False]

Created by joybucket

I know I'm a good friend, and I wonder if I'll ever find as good of a friend as me. I wonder if there is a psychological aspect to the physical health problems I'm experiencing. I feel I can relate to the song I'm listening to right now. I can think of at least one Paramore song that I really can relate to. I wish I were in a different social class than I'm in right now. I've always hated my first name. I've always hated my middle name. I've always hated my last name. I want to enjoy my life while I can, because I know life is temporary and fleeting. I haven't had a deep conversation with another person in years. I'm afraid to let others see the real me. ...because I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm afraid that they won't like me. I constantly daydream about things I wish would happen. My life is so much more interesting inside my head. 💭 I tell people I've moved on, but I really haven't. I wish I could process my past with someone. I wonder if God is real. I know God is real. 🩷 Life isn't fair. I wish life were more fair. The last book I read was so good that I want to read it over again. A good majority of my life has been lived inside my head. I've felt lonely for years. I never figured out how to tie a balloon; I still can't do it. 🎈 I would love to wear a pair of thick-rimmed hot pink cat-eye glasses. ....in fact, I wish those were my normal glasses. Sitting in front of a beautiful lake triggers pleasant memories for me. 💜 I want to own my own coffee shop. ☕️ I have a favorite stove burner that I use every single time I cook. I believe in miracles. ✨ I'm not normal. 👽 I like being alone. I long to live on the edge. I've made some huge mistakes in life. My biggest regret is living for other people instead of doing what I wanted to do and following my own heart. My biggest regret is not speaking up at a time when I had something to say. I live in my own world. I long to go on an adventure. I want to make a huge difference in the world. I want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I will never, ever, ever give up. I long for real, long-lasting friendship. Friend break-ups have hurt me more than boyfriend/girlfriend break-ups. I love hugs. 🤗 I can think of at least one hobby I've laid down that I would like to pick back up again. I don't feel like I'm good at anything. I love God. 💜 I love going for walks in nature. 🌲 I can think of at least one song I like by Katy Perry. I miss being happy. I've been to a Christian concert. I just want to be myself without being judged for it. I wish people noticed me more. My cat is my best friend. 🐈 I wish I could change everything about myself. I'm a caffeine addict. ☕️ I want to be kissed under the mistletoe. I tend to blurt out things without thinking them over. My dog is my best friend. 🐶 I need help. I'm not the person I thought I would be ten years ago. I don't feel at home when I'm at home. I'm afraid that all my friends secretly hate me. I don't like accepting help. I can't stand silence. I'm afraid of never reaching my dream. I want to be someone's most important person. I've never been on a date. I tend to run away from my problems rather than face them. I'm scared of the world. I need to start over. I play out conversations that never did and never would happen in my head. I miss the life I used to have. I want to be loved, but I'm afraid of letting anyone get close to me. I was a cheerleader in high school. I feel I can relate to so many songs. I'm scared of what will come. I wish I had chosen a different college major. I wish I had known what I know now when I was younger. I wish I hadn't been lied to about so many things. I don't believe I'm as bad of a person as people try to say I am. I hate gossip and wish people wouldn't gossip so much. I haven't worn a dress or a skirt in a really long time. ...even though I enjoy wearing feminine clothing. I pray regularly, but I don't often admit it. 🙏 I'm hesitant to say what I really want to say to someone. I wish I were better at telling people how I really feel. I say I've moved on, but I really haven't. I'm still haunted by my past. I have another life in my dreams.

#survey #bolding survey #themed survey

[dorefasolsido]

1.

[..INTRODUCTIONS..] 

First Name: Mila

Middle Name: Not a thing here.

Birthdate: July 23rd.

[..FIRST THINGS FIRST..] 

What was the first thing you did after you got up?

Probably looked at my phone.

What was the name of your first pet? 

It was a rabbit named Tufi. 

Where was the first place you drove after you got your license? 

I don’t really remember, but I was probably just driving around the town with my dad for some extra practice.

Who was your very first friend?

My dad’s best friend’s daughters. I’ve known them since birth.

What was the first thing you ate today? 

Hmm, I think it was probably a burger for lunch.

What was your first job? 

English tutor to Japanese people online. That didn’t last too long because I’m not suited to teaching at all lol.

[..COLORS..] 

Name something red in the room you are in:

The couch my sister sleeps on.

Is orange one of your school’s team colors?

School colours aren’t a thing here either.

How many yellow shirts do you own?

I don’t think I own any.

Name someone you know who drives a green car:

Hmm, no one comes to mind tbh.

Is it a blue sky outside right now?

Nope, it’s 12 am, so it’s very much black.

What is the first thing that pops into your head when I say ‘purple’?

Guess I’ll expose myself as a fangirl immediately lol. BTS pops up.

Are the walls in the room you’re in white?

Yes, but there’s like a small part that’s painted red.

Does black make you think of depressing things?

Not at all, I love black. It’s my second favourite colour.

Jewelry: gold or silver? 

Silver.

[..PHONE STUFF..] 

How long have you had your current phone?

Almost 4 years :o That’s literally the longest a smartphone has lasted me.

If you woke up naked next to the last person to call, would it be awkward? 

Very much so.

Was your last missed call male or female?

Pretty sure it was my mum, so female.

Who is your 10th phone contact?

It’s one of my cousins.

How did you meet them?

I was born and she probably came to see me and that’s how we met.

Are you related to your 17th phone contact? 

Nope, it’s my hairdresser.

How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

For a little over a year.

When was the last time you saw them?

On Wednesday at my German class.

Who is your 4th phone contact?

It’s a different cousin lol

Have you ever kissed that person?

Absolutely not

When was the last time someone drunk dialed/texted/left a voicemail?

I’m not sure when, but I have a friend who does that fairly regularly. Only, since we’re on sort of not great terms now, he hasn’t done it in a while.

[..RANDOMOSITY..]

What time is it?

12:49 am

Are you supposed to be doing something other than this?

Yes and no. I wanted to make a presentation for my German class, but it’s not like it has to be finished today, so I can take it easy.

Do you live on your own or with your parents?

I kinda have this half-half living situation where I live most of the time with my sister in our country’s capital, but we also go back to our hometown and parents for holidays and over the summer.

Are you more of a cat or a dog person?

Love dogs but cats are just built different.

Are you allergic to anything?

Surely, spring usually gets me all sniffly, but I don’t know precisely what.

Does your shirt have anything written on it?

It’s Disney-themed with Mickey and Minnie silhouettes and it says “Dreaming with you”

Have you ever tie-dyed something?

Nope.

Who can you always count on to cheer you up?

Usually my sister or my BTS boys.

How many places have you been today?

Mm, only went for a run around the neighbourhood but didn’t go anywhere specific.

Are you a forgiving person?

Sometimes a bit too much of a forgiving person tbh

When was the last time you felt let down?

Can’t feel let down if you have no expectations lol. But honestly, I can’t remember right now, it doesn’t happen that often for the most part.

What is the title of the nearest book to you?

The Bear and the Nightingale and A Game of Thrones are equally close, so it’s those two.

 Are you wearing anything that belongs to someone else?

Nope.

Can you whistle?

Badly, yes.

Do you look more like your mother or your father?

People usually say my mum, so I’ll go with that.

Are you still in high school?

No, thank god. Graduated in 2014.

Are you the oldest, middle, youngest, or an only child?

An older sister.

Has anyone ever told you that you talk in your sleep?

Nope, and I don't think I do.

How many people have you kissed this year?

Exactly zero.

Is there anyone of the opposite sex you trust fully?

There used to be sorta, but I’m kind of at a falling out stage with that person.

Are you a night owl or an early bird? 

Night owl 1000%. I often work at night, but even when I don’t, I’ll stay up until 5 am for no reason. It’s kind of always been like that. The earliest I go to bed these days is 3 am.

Would you rather go to Brazil for the weekend or Finland for a month?

Finlaaaand, I’d absolutely love to go there. Brazil is cool and all, but it’s so far away so going there for a weekend would be totally useless.

When was the last time you let someone borrow something from you?

Hmm, probably something to my sister, but no idea.

Was your last breakup a bad one?

If it can be called that, yes.

What was the last song you listened to?

Set Me Free pt. 2 by the only and only Park Jimin.

What was the last movie you watched?

I think it was The Strays a while ago? It’s been a while since I actually sat down and watched a movie.

#surveys #personal #hii

[krotosis]

I am literally the most pathetic person I know.

I don’t know if I’m serious when I say this. I can hear birds chirping outside, slowly. Breathing is difficult, I’m just too tired.

Ever since I was so super small, I have struggled with selective mutism. You’d think the world “selective” would allude that I have any fucking control over it, but I don’t; my lack of control is just my favourite reenactment, I guess, just constantly visiting just to reinforce itself. I can control it most days, it takes a lot of preparation in certain environments. I still can’t talk when classrooms are too loud or full, even if someone looks like they’re about to speak I try hard to stay poised and quiet until there’s space for me. What I never seem to learn is that space isn’t made for you, space is taken, and that’s supposedly okay.

I can’t function in loud noise, I hate that. The buzz of layered speech drives me crazy, usually crazy enough to desperately want to claw my way out of the situation, but that’s not usually an option. My own comforts should never match up to my responsibilities. The worst is when it’s directed at me, especially if it’s hostile, I get violent and panic. I seem to just start hitting whatever is nearest, which is gross. I should be able to control myself by now, I’m just leaking any sense of responsibility I have. Childish. Why am I allowed to do this? I feel like… Something should be assigned to teach me right and wrong. Punish me so I can move on and learn. I never seem to learn. No matter what I do, or how hard I attempt to FINALLY DRILL IT INTO MY HEAD, I never seem to let it through. I guess that’s just what life is like when you’re an incredulously selfish, stupid and nonsensical retard. I am so, so, so incapable, it’s a surprise I’ve gotten this far. It’s through no work of my own, how to other people I seem to be doing reasonably “well” is nothing but an enigma honestly. Getting by on scraps of consciousness, I am an idiot.

There have been so many versions of me, I can’t tell which one I hate or love the most. I have conflicting feelings on all of them. I wish to be like all of them yet would rather disappear then ever relive them. I am an idiot.

The court case for the kidnapper + murderer should be getting released soon. I promise you, when I find out he barely gets any time because his little fucking pathetic excuse of a “gang” all equally take the blame, I will go insane. I will go insane in the way that I will feel crazy yet go on about life as normal, as if it never happened, and it isn’t following me around. When it happened the first time, for what the law liked to call “manslaughter” but I know as murder, I followed along with it. I was just naive. The woman feeding me those stories of innocence and justice was just as endangered as the man before her was. I hate naivety, I hate seeing it in anything. Even animals, like dogs.

I hate dogs. Not in the way that I don’t think they’re extremely loveable or cute or loyal or any of the positive connotations connected to them, but they are just. so. trusting. I don’t like overly eager animals. They are in danger, it scares me that I can’t protect them from people. I use to want a dog shelter, a cat cafe, food banks, all that charitable stuff that I still kinda crave now. I always loved animals, they never spoke, I didn’t have to awkwardly count down the seconds to my eventually strained response. It’s SO CRINGEY, and SO OVERUSED, but that’s just who I seem to be. Pathetic. Dogs should be smarter, animals should be smarter. I hate that people enjoy how animals overly rely on them, how a dog can love you in a matter of days, forgive and forget so easily. It’s just wrong, nothing should ever stay so obscenely naive. Even young children, the capacity of which dogs are often compared to, quickly learn when they’re taught. Why can’t dogs be the same? I hope every mutt grows to be fast, with sharp teeth, at least then they’ll have a backup. It’s why I like birds, they’re feeble but their trust is to be earned. It has value.

I forgot what I was talking about. I’m tired.

Bye, Alice.

[anitabyars]

Monica Murphy has revealed the gorgeous cover for I'll Always Be With You!

Releasing: May 18, 2023

Cover Design: Emily Wittig Designs

Weston Fontaine is the hottest senior at Lancaster Prep.

And he knows it.

He’s gorgeous. Confident. Smart.

Too smart.

Everyone loves him. He could have any girl on campus, except for one.

Me.

I’m a Lancaster, meaning I’m basically untouchable–or so I thought. It’s my family who owns this God forsaken private school that I don’t want to attend. But according to my parents, I have to endure my senior year at Lancaster Prep before I can return to what I love the most: ballet.

West doesn’t make my time here easy. He’s arrogant. Crude. Insufferable. He torments me in the worst way, to the point that I can’t stand him. Yet he’s the only boy I’ve ever let touch me…

You see, West and I? We share a secret. On a hot summer night in Paris, we hooked up. And I never do that. Ever. I revealed parts of myself to him I’ve never shown anyone else. He’s seen me at my most vulnerable. I told him my secrets. And he told me his. In Paris, he was sexy. Protective. Even dare I say…sweet.

Now he’s the villain in my story, yet I can’t help but chase after that feeling only West can give me. Despite our hatred for each other, we somehow burn brighter when we’re together. So what happens when you helplessly fall for the one person you know is bad for you?

If you’re like me, you go ahead and fall for him anyway.

Pre-order your copy today!

Amazon: https://bit.ly/3H8edFI

Amazon Worldwide: https://mybook.to/LancasterPrep4

Waterstones: https://bit.ly/3DvXfjI

Add to Goodreads: http://bit.ly/3WQ1mOr

Meet Monica

Monica Murphy is a New York Times, USA Today, and international bestselling romance author. Her books have been translated in almost a dozen languages and have sold over two million copies worldwide. Both a traditionally published and independently published author, she writes young adult, new adult and contemporary romance. She's also known as USA Today bestselling author Karen Erickson.

A native Californian, she lives on fourteen acres in the middle of nowhere with her husband, two kids, one dog, and four cats. When she's not writing, she's an assistant coach for her daughter's high school cheer team, which is a two season sport. Meaning, she's at practice with a bunch of teenage girls all the time. Or she's at a football game. Or a basketball game. Maybe someday, she'll even write about this experience.

Connect with Monica

Website: http://monicamurphyauthor.com

Goodreads: http://bit.ly/MonicaMurphyGR

Amazon: http://amzn.to/1YUl0Vm

Facebook: http://bit.ly/MonicaMurphyFB

Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/monicamurphyreadergroup/

Instagram: http://bit.ly/MonicaMurphyIG

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Bookbub: http://bit.ly/2ZAthV1

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Verve Romance: https://ververomance.com/app/monicamurphy

#cover reveal #valentine pr #I’ll always be with you #monica murphy