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foressfaction · 12 days

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Toby Headcanons

First things first, rewrite link —> https://www.wattpad.com/story/330185513-ticci-toby-a-rewrite?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=foressfaction&wp_originator=4ym0kekpamjg%2byu500owdfcdlnhtpkigcby1thrmnvj95d4u%2f2vtey8ihglpowcvuy8icvezeljevfn%2fbufrp

Fair warning, I am the Toby enthusiast so you’re in for a long read. If you actually care enough to read all this, keep in mind there are some triggering topics for well… everything. That’s also including the other links leading to other posts of mine. Read with caution. I go into heavy detail about topics that are usually pretty sensitive.

Family headcanons—> https://www.tumblr.com/foressfaction/734266713806405633/basic-family-head-canons-for-toby

Operator headcanons—> WIP

Him with Jack—> https://www.tumblr.com/foressfaction/735560061461594112/my-jack-and-toby-headcanons-theyre-bfs

Him with Natalie—> https://www.tumblr.com/foressfaction/746264454600278016/toby-and-clockwork-some-headcanon-takes-on-this

Him and Lyra —> WIP

Him and Cross-X—>WIP

The main basics

He can't read, he has always had trouble reading. He can get simple sentences and phrases but actual literature like books, newspapers, or anything over half a paragraph long, he can't read it.

Due to losing his memories, he lost knowledge of what normal people do. He doesn't know social cues that well. You could come up to him and say that you want to be his friend and he'd look like a clueless child.

Never having a friend before, anything of the sort now would make him suspicious of you, or just not trust you.

He has very very bad trust issues, meaning he thinks everyone is out to get him. Which may not be true, though he can't help but think it due to his anxiety.

He is terrified of vehicles, and riding in them. Though he doesn't remember why. His body still reacts with trauma he doesn't recall experiencing.

This is kinda annoying for him.

He can run incredibly fast and has almost unlimited stamina. He knows his limits though and never pushes his body to the extent due to the fact he will lose mobility for the next hour or so trying to regain his breath.This may lead to him potentially passing out.

He will only run to his full abilities if he is in severe danger (or feel he is)

He loves the smell of lavender, it makes him tired and relaxed. It is the only thing that will help him sleep.

He still bites his nails so he sometimes will coat his nails in either nail polish (yes he paints his nails sometimes) or will get that nasty tasting polish. It depends. He's very insecure about his hands and so he will paint his nails to make them look a little better.

Along with the aid of sleep, basic company helps a lot. It would have to be someone he's close with or at least knows to an extent. Just having someone there, regardless of distance or their position in the area, really helps him sleep.

He's easy to make friends with but it'll take some time for him to get used to you. He'd want to know a lot of things first and learn more about you.

His favorite season is fall, and his favorite spice is Parsley. He loves the smell.

He can't cook but if he was to ever help someone with cooking (which…Is a bad idea anyways) he'd probably sprinkle a little parsley in secretly.

He is of German descent but can't speak it. (unless operator is controlling him, in that case he ONLY speaks it)

He has two marks in the shape of the operator symbol on his upper left arm and lower right side. They are scars as they were once carved into the skin and slowly scarred over.

He would be the type of person who would lay his forehead on your cheek and stare waiting for an apology or just if he was in a playful mood.

He also sucks on his candy canes until they are quite literally a deadly weapon.

I feel like he would run up stairs so fast he literally trips up them. This also goes with anytime he needed to run, it's an immediate sprint, no working up speed, no preparing his legs, literally gone- this might cause trip ups occasionally. Imagine getting hit by an axe then you hear footsteps with a loud thud following after.

He isn't very picky with food, I feel he'd eat what normally people wouldn't, like the top piece and last piece of a bread loaf, or spaghettios cold, not warmed. Same with hot dogs, he may not boil the weenie, who knows it depends.

If anyone took the bread crusts off their sandwiches he would eat those alone- i think he likes bread guys.

He probably wets his socks or pillow in the summer to feel cool, sometimes would probably just walk around with a cold wet towel draped over his head.

Lyra would occasionally make fun of him for being shorter than her for most of their childhood until he would have eventually grown taller if she hadn't passed.

He would've gotten back at her.

She definitely picked on him a lot in a playful manner and he'd always overreact. Definitely a stereotypical 'get out of my room' emo kid. He'd definitely be a stoner if we're talking normal mansion au thing. Bro would probably be high 25/8, mainly so he doesn't feel like shit all the time.

He'd meow back or bark back at animals who do so to him. He'd growl at anything growling at him and eventually these would plainly turn into tics. Now he'd just meow or bark/growl out of absolutely no where.

He'd definitely be pretty flexible, upon somehow squeezing into places like cabinets and tiny closets to avoid capture or getting spotted, he had always been pretty maneuverable-?? He'd probably purposely freak people out by doing literal gymnastic poses just out of the blue. I'd imagine he'd break, fracture or pop out of socket bones without knowing it due to not feeling the actual pain of the strain he puts on them. Therefore he ignores it and one day if he just decides to do a backbend then he just goes for it.

He loves peaches and anything peach flavored. Usually when savaging for food, canned peaches are his main target. He would almost completely avoid a store if they had none. He isn't picky at all, of course, but he'd like at least one thing of his personal liking if he's going out of his way to steal it. It HAS to be the canned ones. He doesn't fuckin know how to peel an actual peach? And I figured if anything he'd HATE the fuzzy skin on it and would absolutely have a meltdown. ( based on me). If someone handed him a FULL ASS UNSKINNED peach. He would look at you like 'What am I supposed to do with this….'

I also headcanon that he got his hat from Lyra as when they were younger and she was still alive, she worked at a mailing company sorting the mail. The symbol on the hat looks like a yellow envelope. She gave it to him when she quit so he could wear it and stuff.

He'd absolutely love spiderman and silly things like star wars and transformers. He's definitely more of a Marvel guy and probably owns/owned tons of spiderman themed clothing.

Toby would always comfort Lyra after her rough days at work. I feel she'd fall asleep on the couch immediately after sitting down. He would crawl up beside her and just curl up against her, also falling asleep. She'd always wake up before him and take him to bed soon after.

I feel he would have trouble making eye contact but it's for a completely different reason than most. It's not because he's awkward but because he genuinely doesn't know how to look at someone. Unless its a partner or a really close friend. He will avoid eye contact at least for too long. If he's actually able to hold contact with someone that's a sign he's growing comfortably that they wont hurt him.

It stems from his father shaming him for just looking at the man the wrong way anf sometimes that led to physical disputes that he wishes to avoid from any possible individual. He has a natural resting bitch face so it's not hard to mistake his look as something spiteful.

When he stutters it's not a tic, it has nothing to do with his TS, it's just a speech impediment and is very VERY insecure about it because of how many times he's been called annoying or told to just 'hurry up and say it, i don't have time for this', something along those lines.

- His tics include facial grimaces, snapping his fingers or jaws every now and then, hitting himself, or others around pretty hard, tapping his foot or whistling. He will blurt random ass shit as well (this i will sometimes add into the rp, it can be kinda funny, sometimes inappropriate) ex: "suck my loli" or "shitty shoe" shit like that.

- Appearance wise, nothing really changed. His eye color did however. Instead of that dark brown, it's a hazel green. He's probably around 5'6 overall. Plus he's extremely frail and unhealthy. He is covered and when i say covered, I mean covered in freckles. Shoulders, arms and his face are where they really are noticeable. Like normal, his hair is the same, dark and frizzy. It has a little bit of curl to it but mainly it's just wavy and fluffy.

-He still bites his hands since he's never really broken that habit, so you'd never really see him without bandages on his hands.

-Personality wise, he's pretty feral. Even as a teenager. He can be stalker-ish and weird. He's still pretty damn timid though since..hello social anxiety.

Toby is extremely neurodivergent. He stims and tics all of the time. He can't handle certain smells, tastes, textures. Specifically wet hands on any cold dry surface, or per say, chewing on a piece of steak or anything chewy for more than 6 seconds MAX. He can't have food touching and has to use multiple forks/spoons/knives when he has a meal.

-Toby can't stand the sight of his own blood. It causes him to break down and literally freak out. He has a strange phobia of organs and bones of his own coming out of where they shouldn't be. He is very sensitive with wounds in the torso area due to this exact organ phobia.

(He's had dreams where he literally had to hold his organs inside so they wouldn't fall out.

🌿Appearance Headcanons🌿

[F]He pretty much stayed the same, originally, he started with just a few freckles here and there, but how i see him, a full face of freckles, and all over him, arms, back, neck, just everywhere. This also goes for scars. He has lots of rather unique ones. Especially on his back. He has two deep gash scars right on his shoulder blades that look like he once had wings. At least that's how he wants to see it.

[F] His teeth had kinda been crooked from all of the pressure onto them throughout his childhood and due to his teeth actually getting knocked out when he was little. (his baby teeth of course) his adult teeth never really wanted to grow in right.

- I find it better if he is 19-25years old, him as any older kinda feels weird to me since i am used to portraying him as a late teen or in his early/mid twenties. This really depends on how he'll be used and the story i will go by

- His hair is still the same. Still a dark chocolate brown. It's just a lot messier, or well, very fluffy With a few curls.

- He is still very pale but still slightly more tan than how he is originally, his skin has a pastel peach light tone (just a normal pale person) and not like the light grey people usually see him as.

-His face is very scarred, but the one that stands out the most is the iconic tear, or gash in his right cheek. It exposes muscle, and his teeth from the side. It's very disgusting so he keeps hidden with masks, or bandages.

Visage and wardrobe

Adding this in last second but I feel his closet is FULL with brown grunge grey and green flannels and layered shirts and grandpa sweaters. He’s your average grunge Pinterest guy you’d find on every corner of the internet but he’s stylish unconsciously. He throws shit together he thinks looks good and apparently it actually does. One day he’d be rocking a fire fit and the next he looks like he came right out of a dumpster as most of his older clothes are torn and sheared up from well… living where he does. He prefers layers no matter what season it is but will occasionally wear sleeveless stuff and shorts. Probably owns a few shark themed pieces and along with what I said earlier. Some marvel and other stuff. Probably from the kids section who knows honestly. All of the tags on his clothes are faded.

- https://www.tumblr.com/foressfaction/743158587608727552/while-im-on-art-block-heres-some-stupid-shit-toby

Persona🌿

His personality is pretty much the same. He's a little more timid though. He actually has a big heart, despite him being a potential serial killer, he still has a few soft spots and a heart. He will care and love for someone, but in order to really earn his trust, someone would have to repeatedly prove that they are worthy of it. He's literally insane, meaning he can be really up and active in a hypomanic way. He's pretty childish around those he knows, but doesn't trust those he doesn't, in fact, those he doesn't know will most likely be ignored or get small, nervous/annoyed responses. He's easy to make friends with since his persona is very passive, he's really sweet in some situations and the next he'd be having a mental breakdown or some kind of manic attack.

-He's very jumpy and easily startled, and would most likely flinch or try to shield himself if someone moves too fast around him. This is due to his trauma and slight PTSD.

-He is touch starved, meaning when he does get affection he'd get extremely confused, weirded out or just plainly get emotional. He didn't get much love and was reminded daily that he was a sack of shit and he finds it hard to believe anyone would love him.

Canonically, he never had a sexuality, meaning he could be any sexual orientation you want. For me, he is Biromantic/Asexual. For him, relationships would have to move slowly, not just kiss kiss fall in love type of shit. You'd have to become his friend first, and of course be loyal and such. It isn't easy at all for him to fall into a relationship, in fact that's the last thing on his mind. Since he believes he is unlovable, no one would even like him in such a way, so he gives up and just sticks to what he has to do.

[Fluffy HC!]

-If the whole mansion concept is being used, he would definitely be very dramatic and really in character if he was to roleplay or play a game with Sally. If he was given a role he will make sure he fills it as accurately as possible just to make her happy. He has a soft spot for children obviously. Unless The Operator is in control.

-If he is good friends or in a relationship with someone, he will generate a nickname based off of your appearance. It would usually consist of cute characteristics he sees in you, and sometimes he'll base it off of your personality. If not, if he's feeling silly, he'll call you a nickname based on random objects. "How's my favorite frying pan this morning?"

Romance?

Toby thinks love is just a fantasy, and no one could love him, much less return the feelings, so love is the last thing on his mind. Though he thinks about what it would be like to have a partner

-He would be so emotional if he even gets a hug, much less feelings being confessed, or confessing his own but Toby may accidentally slip it out, or tell them just to get it off his chest and carry on like it means nothing but on the inside he knows it does and will beat himself up about it

-I think he'd definitely act differently as well, especially his tics would act up more as well around them because he's really nervous and maybe say random things to shoo off the feeling like nothing was there to begin with.

Habits

- He still bites his nails and inner cheek but does it when he's really stressed or nervous. He's really fidgety so he'd mess with anything loose or even would twirl his hair, soon he did it so much his hair got used to it and began to get slightly curly but mostly just wavy.

- [F]He grits his teeth a lot. He'll do it randomly.

-[F] His ADHD still affects him now, so it's hard for him to focus on one thing at once and gets easily distracted. Its a bad habit

Mentality🌿

- Nothing really changed. He still suffers with his disabilities, just some stopped affecting him as much after he reached 17 originally. Being schizophrenia and Anxiety. But this headcanon still suffers with those two despite his age. This explains why he can see the operator, which brings me to the next change.

He had suffered from Schizophrenia since he was 7 years old. So he's been seeing this entity his whole life. Making so much happen and of course all of the deaths in his life was blamed upon the entity.

- [F]Since he cannot feel pain, there is a high chance that he could have hurt himself very badly and not know. So every now and then he does check ups on himself, especially after something brutal happened or had gotten into a fight. He could be perfectly fine one second ago then faint due to blood loss and wake up not even knowing what happened. This is really hard for him since a really bad wound that could grow fatal could be anywhere and he wouldn't know. So a check up on himself here and there could really save his ass.

Story🌿

- Everything pretty much stayed the same. The deaths, the conflicts. The only thing that really changed was the cause of the deaths.

- However, after the ending, where the fire nearly took his life, he couldn't remember anything on why he was there, or how he ended up in this situation. He blacked out and woke up in a whole different area of the dense forest. He no longer remembered a thing but every time he'd try and get close to coming back to the past, it would all happen again.

- He never remembered anything, even after he had murdered someone, in fact he doesn't even like doing that. He despises the fact that he should murder innocent people, however sometimes, he will see the face of a man he hated so dearly but didn't remember why.

-Amongst the crime scene, after he had murdered someone, he'd sit and stare at what he had done, a huge moment of lucidity would take over him, making everything come back for those few moments. Then his mind would wipe blank once again and he'd go on like nothing ever happened. During those moments, he'd regret spilling the blood of the victim, and hate on himself even more, while violent memories and thoughts ran through his mind, making him feel less and less stable. This sometimes knocked him out, and he'd be there, unconscious at the scene which isn't good since that's how ya get caught and arrested.

He lives in a small shed in the middle of Rosswood Park/forest. His shed is deep deep in the woods, he had never lived in the mansion. (might will make something work for roleplay use)

Before anything, these are just my changes and adjustments I made to either fit a better way of my liking/needs and to just plainly make more sense.

Disorder list and how it all affects him.

Tourettes Syndrome

A shared headcanon: Toby has coprophilia (uncontrolled cursing), which is actually an uncommon symptom, but seeing that he was unfit for public school, it would make sense in his case. Most tics are not debilitating (but can be discomforting, obviously), so Toby’s TS must be an extreme case. So my headcanon of his verbal tics being coprophilia makes sense. He is an extreme case and has complex verbal tics (coprophilia is classified as a complex phonic tic and not a simple phonic tic). This was one of the reasons he was unfit for public school, along with being bullied for his motor tics. It doesn’t mention anything about him having verbal tics in his story or implying that he has coprophilia—but again, Wade did not know much about TS, so I headcanon him to have it as it makes more sense. He also seems to just have simple motor tics (generally brief movements involving spasmodic, non-rhythmic muscle contractions) ie. jerking his head and other limbs occasionally. However, since he was unfit to go to normal school and therefore should be an extreme case, I headcanon him to also have complex motor tics (more purposeful movements such as: grimacing, tapping, walking in a specific pattern or circling, jumping, kicking, or punching), mainly kicking and punching/hitting and slapping. This would make much more sense because tho he still would probably get made fun of for just simple motor tics, that alone shouldn’t stop him from being too unfit for regular school. His are obviously chronic and do not disappear as he gets older, unlike with many cases.

-So there are my headcanons on his TS and tics. They make much more sense, and if Wade had actually known about TS more, would probably be what they would have given him. I’m not entirely sure if you can have both simple and complex tics of the same type, but I don’t see why not, so I headcanon him to have both simple and complex motor and phonic tics. His simple verbal tics include clearing his throat, grunting and other short repetitive noises. Typically he usually grunts and makes said repetitive noises more but will compulsively clear his throat, sometimes with coughing, from time to time. Said repetitive noises often happen while trying to speak and will act up if he is nervous or very excited. His complex phonic tics, like I stated before, is coprolalia along with sømetimes muttering or shouting random words spontaneously.

Again, his complex verbal tics act up when he is nervous or very excited etc. He tends to curse randomly while talking and sometimes will say random words which sometimes makes it very difficult for him to talk and make coherent sentences. Cursing is his more common complex verbal tic while sputtering random words is less common for him. Most days it isn’t too bad and he mostly just swears when talking (along with all his other tics but I’m focusing on how it affects his speech right now), but sometimes he’ll have days where talking is very difficult and he stutters trying to get the words out and can’t make coherent sentences. Again, it gets even worse when he’s nervous or very excited. For his simple motor tics, he mainly jerks and cracks his neck along with jerking his other limbs in weird ways that often cause his joints to pop and make a cracking sound.

Sometimes they’re violent enough that if he could feel pain it would hurt him and occasionally injuring himself cause ie. tearing or pulling a muscle (which is shit as he can’t feel pain so doesn’t notice anything is wrong most of the time). Again, like always, these tend to get worse and act up when he’s nervous or very excited. Often when cracking and jerking his head he will also grunt or make said repetitive noise as he does so. His complex motor tics include throwing things, punching, slapping, hitting and kicking either himself, anything and anyone he can reach or is close to him, and if nothing is around, the air itself. These are less frequent than his simple motor tics, but as he is an extreme case, they are still a common occurrence for him. Again, like all his other tics, they tend to act up when he’s nervous or very excited, but not as much as all the others. His simple motor tics act up more when he’s nervous or very excited more than his complex motor tics. When they do act up more, which ones tend to depend on how he’s feeling. If he’s feeling stressed, nervous or sad, he tends to hit or punch, kick slap, ‘hurt’ himself more. If he’s angry it’s a mix of hitting, slapping and punching himself along with kicking, punching and throwing nearby things. If the emotions are positive he tends to backhand anything that might be nearby, just doing that motion if there’s nothing to hit, throwing things, kicking his legs out or slapping himself in the face, and occasionally punching if he’s really happy or excited. He must be careful cause he tends to punch nearby people in the face when that happens, most of the time pretty hard. He always feels super bad whenever that happens and tries to hit himself instead so he doesn’t punch someone in the face when excited. Sometimes if his tics, mainly his complex motor tics, are acting up badly, he’ll drop down on the floor and roll around a bit as he hits the ground and air and lets everything out in a little fit. It’s best to quickly move him to an opener area if he can feel a bad tic fit coming on so he can lay down where he’s not going to hit or throw anyone/anyone. It’s best to just let him get it out unless it’s partially violent and he’s in danger of hurting himself (jerking too hard etc.) or if he’s doing it to himself particularly hard and violently. He is an extreme case so he tics everyday, but some days, if he’s really lucky, it won’t happen too often and will mostly just have simple tics that don’t get in the way of day to day life too badly. On the other hand, he can have very bad days where his tics act up, his complex tics especially, where they happen very frequently and he can’t make it stop or slow down and has multiple violent tic fits where he usually ends up breaking and destroying a lot of things and hurting himself, sometimes pretty badly, especially since he cannot feel it and will try to direct things towards himself instead of whatever’s around him. And yeah, those are my headcanons on Toby’s TS and different tics. I headcanon him to be an extreme case (since that would make the most sense given how he’s supposed to not be fit for normal school since it’s that bad). I also headcanon it to actually get worse as he grows up, especially as his mental health deteriorates. I could probably go on about this more but I’ve rambled enough and I think I kinda went on a bit long, so I’ll try and stop myself here now.

ADHD

He does have ADHD, meaning he usually has sudden outbursts of energy. He shows this by getting easily distracted during times he should be occupied by one thing, instead he'd be interested in literally everything else but what he should be. Because of this, he wasn't fit for school, or anything of the such.

He doesn't take medicine for this, since he can't exactly get his hands on it, or thinks that he needs it.

He lets out his energy by running around in an open space, pacing back and forth, tapping or scratching with his fingers, or tapping his foot/bouncing his leg. Usually his ADHD acts up more when he's excited or trying to concentrate. He bites his nails because of it as well.

He can't focus on one thing at once, and would be distracted by the littlest things like a lizard on a tree, or even a bug flying around his face. He'd stop what he was doing before and focus more on that other than what he should be focusing on. He never exactly thought of it as something bad but usually he'd forget what he was doing before and that something could have been important.

Dermatophagia

note: Dermatophagia is what's known as a body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB). It goes beyond just nail biting or occasionally chewing on a finger. It's not a habit or a tic, but rather a disorder. People with this condition gnaw at and eat their skin, leaving it bloody, damaged, and, in some cases, infected.

This was a lot worse when he was younger, but he still does it as he grows up. It can get so bad that he has to wrap his hands up by himself and fight the urge to feel the skin in between his teeth. He doesn't just bite his own hands however, he does it to his arms randomly. He'd bite into any of his arms for some odd reason but never hard enough to make them bleed. This of course depends on how hard he bites into them. This happens when he is usually upset in any way, and takes the anger out on himself or a nearby flat surface, like a wall or table.

This harms him badly, but since he can't feel it, he doesn't know when to stop, making this 10 times worse than any normal case. He's gone as far as to nearly gnaw off the skin of his knuckle, exposing the muscle underneath, almost to the bone. This isn't as bad as when he was younger, but when he gets upset in a way, he will still struggle with the problem of gnawing on his hands

I am missing some here, that being BPD, Schizophrenia, psychosis, and autism. I’m aware some are just mere disabilities but I want to do more research before I go into these sensitive topics.

Some more smaller posts with undocumented headcanons

- https://www.tumblr.com/foressfaction/746629900867371008/so-i-headcanon-toby-to-be-a-phat-stoner-so

- https://www.tumblr.com/foressfaction/744151888116711424/i-have-so-much-on-this-dude-hes-been-through

#creepypasta #ifyouplagarizethisiwillfindyou #slenderverse #foressfaction #ticci toby #toby rogers #eyeless jack #clockwork #creepypasta headcanon #ticci toby headcanons #headcanons #headcanon #foressfactionheadcanons #if

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wawawawawawawawawawawawawa · 7 months

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i'm on my aspd izaya bullshit again but like. thru this lens, isnt his arc a perfect encapsulation on how aspd negatively affects the person that has it? even to this day, many professionals do not believe that pwASPD suffer from aspd. like at all. to the point where aspd was specifically listed as an outlier to the "patient distress is what defines a disorder" rule in an abnormal psych textbook

(see why i don't respect the field?)

but... he does suffer! a lot! like- remember his speech to mikado at the end of the first arc? how you need to keep evolving, keep changing in order to escape the mundane? how you have to keep going and going and going, wether it be aiming high or low?

yeah. normal people don't need to do this, izaya. you are a broken person.

but why SHOULD he be content with the mundane? the things people usually have that make them content with daily life- friends, family, a purpose, a distinct lack of extreme chronic boredom that drives you to do completely insane shit- izaya doesn't HAVE any of that!

"wait, chronic boredom?" i hear yall thinking. maybe. "isnt that an adhd thing?"

more than one disorder can have the same symptom. theres like a billion that have "want to die" as a symptom. but i dont really blame you for not knowing, its not talked about much

studies have shown that aspd and adhd are both problems with the dopamine receptors in the brain. more specifically, adhd is a chronic deficiency of dopamine, whereas with aspd, when you DO get dopamine, your brain gives you quardruple the normal amount.

studies have ALSO shown there to be a sort of... adhd to aspd pipeline. the story goes like this: you have a kid with adhd. maybe they're born like that, maybe the symptoms developed from trauma (which can happen? apparently??) anyway. kid gets abused. kid develops conduct disorder as a result of that abuse, as a natural extension of the existing adhd symptoms. they're MORE impulsive, which leads to them hurting others- and if it sets off the dopamine receptors, an abused kid starving for happiness and power is gonna chase it, no matter what. theyre like, six, they dont know anything about like. morality. all they know is, theyre sad and this makes them happy. anyway kid never gets treated, abuse continues to exasperate the symptoms, and now you have an adult with aspd, AND the original adhd diagnosis! and ptsd, which is HIGHLY comorbid with aspd! and probably another personality disorder, because you're actually statistically more likely to have two of them!

anyway! that's ONE of the ways aspd can develop from trauma, which it is Known To Do.

does any of that sound pleasant to go through? at all?

let me ask you a question:

imagine you aren't getting dopamine. maybe it's your adhd. maybe you're depressed. either way, you try to get it any way you can. wether it's throwing yourself into a hobby or a job, so the sense of satisfaction gives you dopamine, or something like drugs or gambling.

now, imagine that "rush" you felt. was Four Times Stronger.

wouldnt that compel you to do increasingly dangerous and risky shit, just to feel okay? imagine if you had no friends. imagine if this was your only way to be happy. wouldnt you, eventually, stop caring about others and only care about yourself? after all, other people have thinga like friends and a family that you don't have. they have a fallback. you only have this.

and you might say, "i'd never do that!" but every addict says that, and most eventually cross that line out of sheer desperation. and this? effectively makes you into a dopamine addict. which is dangerous! you can't just STOP... gettng dopamine....! it's necessary! but you have no help so you keep doing what youre doing. (and how could you get help? its baked into the system that people like you don't suffer. why try if youll just get burned?

anyway, back to izaya.

he's lonely. he has one friend and he sucks. he feels compelled to do these things even though he KNOWS it'll hurt him.

i stole this screenshot from some1 who insulted my friend once for something stupid <3 die

but it illustrates my point very well! does it look like he has much control over things?? he sure like to ACT like he does, but at the end of the day, he doesn't, really. he ends up spiraling more and more, doing increasingly risky and rash things, just to get his end goal... which is to die and ascend to the afterlife. a lofty goal.

aiming high, isn't he? a final, spectacular evolution.

or, it should have been.

but it wasn't.

izaya's impulses and deep desire to continue becoming more and more drastic, coupled with his lack of personal ties to anyone that could keep him from doing so....

it didn't make him ascend. it left him in a wheelchair, with chronic pain that will last his whole life.

THAT is where mental illness takes you. it doesn't make you a hollywood psychopath, reveling in the destruction you chose, of your own free will, wholly and truly, to cause. it makes you want More. no matter what, you need More. you see people content with lives worse than yours, everyone bound together with some sort of invisible thread, some sort of tie that keeps them together. a thread that missed you. your brain refuses to see people as people, thus you remain lonely forever, unsatiafied wirh company other than the superficial, because it's fun. that's all you're allowed to care about. an endless cycle of bigger and bigger actions, impulses slowly getting worse--

--and the worst part is, it tricks you into believing you ever had a choice. it tricks everyone into believing you had a choice. your suffering is worse than disregarded, to all the people you look at from your apartment, all the people you wish you could have been like.

it's nonexistant.

#durarara #izaya orihara #orihara izaya #🔥🔥 BE FUCKING NORMAL ABOUT ASPD ON THIS POST OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BECOME THE JOKER ON YOUR ASS 🔥🔥#waposts #we r back with classic waposting complete w too many parentheses and paragraph breaks #peace and love on planet tumblr

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gin-juice-tonic · 8 months

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Hey there! I have a friend who wants to write a character with OCD, but I'm worried that she might not have a fully accurate image of what it is. I don't really know many people with OCD, but if you could could you give some tips to pass on to her? Sorry if this is weird, and you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. I just thought it would be better to get information from someone who is affected by OCD than skim an article about it. Thanks again (p.s. I really love your comics!!)

This is going to go under a cut cause i wrote more than I really intended. It's very long. I put a video clip of a character who I think is a good representation in media at the end if you decide you dont want to read all of that and just skip down there.

The thing is that OCD varies a lot from person to person. My experiences arent gonna look the same as someone else's who also has it. Some people have very visible symptoms, some people have things that are still obviously ocd symptoms but would only be recognized by someone who knew what to look for, some people only have mental symptoms - you wouldnt be able to tell unless you were a mind reader. And just like any other disorder it has a range of severity.

Also not everyone's triggered by the same things. I know you said you'd rather hear from a person than an article, but I think she should look at articles that detail what typical obsessions are (Though she should go in knowing these thoughts are beyond people's control. They're sometimes extremely upsetting, and theyre of course upsetting to the person who has them. They may be very hard to read if you arent well-versed in this stuff.) In fiction I usually see perfection and contamination, but there are wayyyy more than that. Some triggers come and go even. One day I can be completely fine about something and encountering it a different day it might take me 3 months to stop spiraling about it.

An important thing that IS spread across everyone who has it is that giving into compulsions makes things worse. They are a feeling of momentary relief that can fade incredibly quickly, which is what leads people to do them over and over and over again much to the detriment of the person doing it.

There is not a lot of rhyme or reason to it. And it cannot be logic-ed with. You could be the smartest, most level headed, logical person in the world, but you cannot logic your way out of obsessive thoughts. (This usually creates an obsessive thought spiral even, which is bad and can be dangerous...)

Adding onto that, she should think hard about whether the character would know they have OCD or not. The public perception of OCD is not great. Most people dont understand what it looks like, including people who have it. And the people who do have it often feel like they cannot talk about it. (I was encouraged by a psychiatrist to never! talk about the intrusive thoughts I have to ANYONE. She sucked, but it shows the attitude that surrounds the disorder.) And whether they know or not will make a big difference in how they view themself and their mental health. Personally when I did not know I had it I was doing a lot worse mentally. A lot. Frankly it very nearly drove me to suicide. And then I found out what it was, and it helped. It didnt magically make things disappear of course, but it helped.

She also might be tempted to make the characters symptoms manifest in ways that are comedic or silly. I am not bothered by this necessarily, I think a lot of the things I do are silly and would be perceived as funny by an outsider. But if she is going to do this I ask that she makes sure she shows how frustrating and embarrassing it is for the character. If you want an example, there is a character in the show Scrubs with OCD. (Side note, Scrubs is rated TV-14 so turn back now if youre too young but)

His name is Dr Kevin Casey, though you could probably just find his scenes from looking up Scrubs OCD. He is played off as a jovial man whose disorder makes him quirky, but he is given a scene in which you can really see the toll it takes on him. One line he says "Nobody's supposed to see this" hits especially hard.

So if that was too long and you didnt read most of it the number one important thing I'd personally ask is however inconvenient this characters OCD is going to be to everyone else Id like her to make sure she shows that its a million times more inconvenient to the person who has it.

#suicide mention #tw suicide mention #ask stuff #cw ocd #long post

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weightedblankettt · 9 months

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Honest to god, I will never ever ever understand the disproportionate amount of hate Nico gets for (checks notes)

1. Being shy (That obviously means that theyre acting like a kid /sarcasm)

2. Getting defended (They’re totally being babied and need to act their age because theyre being childish /sarcasm)

3. Attempting to kill someone who’s made their life a literal living hell (Ace was just projecting so its okay!! /sarcasm)

I’m definitely not saying they were right in their methods but the way people look at these two and somehow decide Ace is the one that has no faults is… So shocking to me, really genuinely… What happened to “Just because you have issues doesn’t mean you get to make it everyone else’s problem”??? The majority of takes I’ve seen regarding the situation are so abhorred… Especially when it comes to their neurodivergent-coding and Hu. Like. No they are not being babied because they have a friend. Do you want them to be shit on by everyone?? The one person that isn’t completely disregarding the fact that they’re being tormented is getting demonized for giving a shit, and the reason she’s doing it is because of her own insecurities!! I don’t understand why so many people have come to the conclusion that somehow Nico is worse than Ace because they took a drastic measure. They have repeatedly insisted that people would throw rocks at them and physically assault them because of their identity. Is it such a shocker that you would immediately resort to leaving a potentially dangerous situation?? Sure they weren’t right to do it, but saying that there were other ways to resolve it is disingenuous at best and outright ludicrous at worst. When has Ace ever been the type of person to listen to someone telling him to stop doing something? Never! And unless you want to suggest that Nico should lock themselves in their room and give up their ability to exist freely just because Ace can’t deal with his own problems, there’s literally no other solution. They can’t even tell anyone because nobody cares. Seriously. Teruko, Levi AND Rose were there when David and Ace effectively outed them and did nothing. I’m not saying they’re bad people, they had their reasons most likely, but do you really think that they would do anything. Genuinely. And plus, why would you want to stay in a place where someone has forcefully revealed something about you that you were demonized and assaulted for. Tell me. Why should Nico have to be the bigger person when Ace is causing all their problems because of his inability to regulate his emotions?? I can sympathize with Ace. An attempted murder is serious, and no amount of harsh treatment can justify it, but acting like it can’t explain it is just running on a blind desire to defend Ace. I see people say that they “hold both of them accountable,” only for them to list 10 paragraphs on Nico’s wrongdoings and giving Ace a: “Bullying is wrong but he had his reason.” What. Obviously he did, but so did Nico?? And the constant borderline ableism revolving around their personality and mannerisms is genuinely crazy. I see people regurgitating the same two quotes: “Nico is being babied!” or “Nico is an adult!” The first one isn’t even true and the second one is just stupid. Ace is an adult, why can’t he stop bullying people?? Somehow a loud, angry, bully is more “adult-like” than… a shy person? I just don’t understand it. And even if you want to say that you JUST hate them for that, let me ask you: WHERE ON EARTH IS ALL THE HATRED FOR XANDER???? HE TRIED TO KILL HIS CLOSEST FRIEND OF ALL PEOPLE. I apologize if this came off as hostile, I really don’t mean it in a hateful or angry way, I’m just confused and dumbfounded.

TL:DR: You guys should listen to J when she said they both suck, and not just Nico.

PS: I’m defending Nico, yes, but that doesn’t mean I excuse their actions. That is a different conversation entirely

#danganronpa despair time #blanket rambles #nico hakobyan

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spacexseven · 2 years

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hello tuna its me Dazai Anon coming at u with my insanity Once More.

[possible manga spoilers] thinkin about yandere meursault girlies... dazai/fyodor/gogol/sigma all in one package. unfortunately no chuuya he seems a bit. you know. busy.

let's say darling is a security guard at meursault, specifically set in the surveillance room at overlooks dazai and fyodor's cells. its kinda boring (it's not like theyre going anywhere, right?), but they try to take it as seriously as possible- even when the "highly dangerous criminals" are speaking in wingdings or throwing eggs at each other. they try not to engage with these male manipulators but one thing compounds on another and they find themselves holding down the intercom button, catching both of their attention. oops. at first the fellas are just happy they have a new toy to play with, someone to fuck with and make squirm since they can't do much to one another. dazai spends most of his time trying to bug darling til they crack and say something while fyodor plays his mind games. until it becomes more. red flags pop up over time, dazai throwing mini tantrums when the intercom clicks off or a different guard is on duty, fyodor starting to probe about weirdly personal topics, there's this weird Look they have in their eye when darling talks, etc. it becomes tough to deal with, more so than usual. theyre actually kinda relieved when they both suddenly disappear, unaware that a certain clown has been put on their scent. (sigma becomes yan after bonding with darling about how much it sucks dealing with the other three lol)

- 🩹

hi!!! finally got the time to answer this @.@ this is such a great idea ahhhhh gotta love love love the meursault girlies can you imagine the chaos they'd bring??!?! remind me to do a proper headcanon post for this sometime :')

manga spoilers below the cut!

cw: yandere characters, implied stalking, violent threats

regardless of whether or not it was intentional on darling's part to communicate through the intercom, their fate is sealed the moment in happens. whether they mutter out a confused "what the fuck...?" (because who could watch that scene and not be left perplexed?) or even if they just remained shrouded in bewildered silence, the tell-tale buzzing would give them away, they've piqued fyodor and dazai's curiosity.

obviously, they had been expecting to be under heavy surveillence, considering who they were, but something about that moment of vulnerability, that little slip in what should have been hours of procedure drilled into darling's head, captured their attention. had a newbie been sent to watch over two of the most unpredictable prisoners here?

it doesn't help that they immediately switch off the intercom right after, further proving to the two that it was a mistake. a mistake that no guard here would make. in a place filled with stoic, intolerable idiots, darling seems to be the exception.

naturally, they become attached.

he guesses whenever it's your shift, and makes sure to loudly blabber about everything on his mind. the food sucks. he misses his old room. it's too hot. his outfit's ugly. anything to get back such a reaction from darling again. he even asks for fyodor's help, but the latter ignores him, choosing to stare straight at the camera he knows they must be looking through.

eventually, darling gives in. whether it's because they've had enough of dazai's taunting or fyodor's staring (and that creepy smile) or perhaps the two have taken to bothering the people working the other shifts and darling feels pressured to end the torment. it will happen eventually, and when it does, things only get worse.

apart from the tantrums and constant whining from dazai, fyodor's unnerving stare at everyone that isn't darling seated behind the cameras begins to concern the other guards, especially coupled with the way dazai starts murmuring ways he could kill someone. when darling's there, however, he's a lot more friendly, asking them where they'd like to go for a first date and if they'd like any presents. he's just curious, really! not like he's planning anything... and fyodor, with his weird questions about abilities and ability users and sinners—maybe darling would prefer to stick with dazai's line of questioning.

thanks to his correspondence from the outside, dazai has the help of a time stopping ability user. his first order of business? use his 10 minutes to find everything he can about darling. after that, he hunts down the other guards, and makes sure to use his time wisely by spending a good chunk of it with darling. the first time he sees them face to face, even though they're frozen in place, his heart soars. he's definitely taken advantage of this period to touch darling and hold them close. even fyodor can't have this.

but when the day comes that he finally plans to break out of the prison with darling in tow, he's horrified to find them missing. back in his cell, he sees fyodor with a mysterious smile and a proposition he can't say no to.

by the end of the day, the two are gone, and darling's in the debatably safe arms of nikolai gogol, wrapped securely in his overcoat.

with nikolai, at first, it's just genuine curiosity. who was darling to have the great dostoevsky wrapped around their little finger? he follows them around (as ordered), looks through their room and picks out some things to keep (not an order, and definitely not for dostoevsky), threatens to twist their leg off with a shockingly innocent smile if they didn't come with him (also not an order, but who's keeping count?) but if darling is clever enough to keep a bright smile on when nikolai comes to play and does as he says without much struggle, he's a pretty fun person to have around. oh, that and he wouldn't be handing them off to any of the others just yet—not until he's had his fun with his cute little friend.

even then, he'd be surprised that darling hasn't bored him yet. it'll take one defiant glare or an unexpected trick to really make him understand why everyone's losing their mind over darling. now that he thinks about it, it's totally not fair that he had to do the work of finding them only to give them over to others. time to see if fyodor is willing to share!

sigma is used to not being acknowledged before he was the manager. more than that, he's used to nikolai's crazy antics. or so he thought, until one day the clown drops in with a brush of his coat, darling in his arms.

"assistant!" he cries out, to sigma's irritation, "meet my friend here!"

despite darling's obvious discomfort, they manage a strained smile at him. the gesture touches him immensely, and it tells him all he needs to know. when he introduces himself and darling says "hi, sigma," he feels euphoric. he feels seen.

he learns that darling was tormented by fyodor and dazai, after which nikolai was sent out for them, and while a large part of him feels sympathetic, knowing better than anyone else how horrible those three could be, a smaller, but darker part of him seethes in jealousy. why did fyodor have to see darling first? why did fyodor get to have them? why not him?

didn't he deserve, at least, this?

still, sigma soon earns something the others can't yet boast of having—their trust. darling's initially wary smiles turns into rambling and them opening up about their feelings. he doesn't flaunt it much except in the offhanded remarks that tells everyone just how much he knows about darling. they believe him to be the hardworking manager, who, much like them, was here because he had no other choice. little did they know...

once dazai and fyodor finally come back to the casino, however, the little peace darling finds here will be gone :(

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maledistributionsystem · 2 months

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thank u for posting transhet stuff, sometimes i fall down the "all men are a danger to themselves and others" rabbit hole so to speak and it makes me feel hopeless so seeing stuff of girls loving us being men and wanting us to be men is very helpful anyways your stuff rules no matter what :) have a great day bro

Thank you for contacting the Male Distribution System Bark Line. Remember: Self-made men are loved and adored. All of them. Your message is in the queue...

Hey you're absolutely welcome! I know what you mean too, there's this very loud and proud "i hate all men because theyre evil and they suck!!" mentality that has (in my opinion) a rather large presence in queer spaces and it makes existing in them as a trans man really, really exhausting. Especially when some people decide its okay to say these things to your face, as if you aren't a man. Especially when it comes from white people, since they tend not to recognize how they look saying that kind of thing to men of color.

But hey, i have a wife and she's like the coolest/strongest/lovliest person i know, and is my best friend. I promise there are literally millions of girls who love trans men and don't think we're becoming evil/violent/dangerous, and who also don't think we're hurting ourselves/making ourselves uglier.

I also know a handful of other men who have wives/fiances/girlfriends, and I wont lie and say that it was easy for them, especially since they tended to go for cishet women, but they're in long happy relationships nowadays. You can do it too. I promise dude :)

You take it easy and have a great day!

#MDS Bark Line #i'm gonna use the tags to continue a line of thought i had but didn't feel necessary to respond directly to nonny with #it really truly fucking sucks that it feels like as a trans man i have this very noticable very palpable 'decision' to make between #being seen as a man-full stop-but also being shunned from your community if you just look like some random dude bc you wanna be stealth #or accept proximity to womanhood/femininity to be given a sort of 'pass' from being assumed to be dangerous #it hurts my heart to talk to other binary trans men. you wanna know why they dont exist very much?#its because we get pushed out of spaces we technically belong in because we DONT want to be overtly readable as queer #and men get fucking tired of that and decide to make peace with cis bi/gay spaces or they decide to just not have any community connection #and thats. really fucking sad.#it shouldnt be so fucking hard to find other binary trans men who are deep in their transition. but it is.#and i feel like it really really shouldnt be.#It would really help if queer spaces would uhhhh stop demonizing men and our masculinity. :/.

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kisaraslover · 3 months

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How do you like to imagine the Millennium Arc would have go down has Takahashi not been been too sick to give Priest Seto and Kisara the story that they deserved? T.T

see, reason im not a writer but an artist is that i SUCK at writing probably. best i can do is analyze and ask the story reinforce its pressure points? like for Seto and Set as the reincarnating single soul the story has these recurring beats that act as bridges for his arc,

Brief happy childhood interrupted by tragedy

Followed by prodigal formative years rise to power UNDER an oppressive father figure

The years above resulting in The Iconic Seto Kaiba Personality, power obsessed, proud, self righteous, unbendable will, complete commitment to his status, cold, cruel, crass, uncaring, except for affection for exclusive people.

Death of the father figure

Set(o) in now unquestionable power position, Set having become a sad but fair ruler, Seto having been placed into the plot of DM for further tests of fates

Kisara is placed in the middle of this fated story in ancient Egypt, supposedly forever changing the fabric of his being by the very tangible and very powerful and FELT effect of her undying loyalty and submission always backing him up. with her established points of;

a life of oppression and exclusion because of something as inherent and simple as her looks (truly a test to the cruelty of mortals) (neatly drawing a line between her and Others, making her out to be otherworldly)

followed by her, presumably multiple times, losing control of her Ka and punishing said mortals when she herself is in mortal danger, to unknown extent, always outside her control or will, contrasting her from Set(o) who bends, if nothing else, his own self to his will relentlessly, Kisara is outside of her own control,

which would be followed by her confusion, guilt, anger, grief, regret, self-hate, unknown feelings around her Ka

the exception to how world treats her being Priest Set, even if with wrong intentions in the beginning, which in return catches her interest and takes away her breath

them being Forced by outside forces into a single unit, oppressive conditions taking the Priest right from where he stands, opposite of her, and placing him cleanly in front of her, protectively.

then, as the concluding beat for them both, now forever changed and linked by their connection, Kisara's uncontrollable power is placed under his control, and his unbendable, ruthless and cruel force of will, bends for her, established by the final "All I wanted was your light" not your power, not your death, you by my side, having been changed

We can more clearly see the picture. So far everything ive said is inferred from canon, but like ALL of it could stand to be reinforced by a writer that Cares about what happens to Kaiba or Kisara in the story. What could stand to be said again better, THE MOST would be their love connection, the last two points. As you see, im already plenty happy with the exposition of both characters it gives us believable grounds for "and in the end, hes forever the master of the power of a woman who he'd rather have by his side no power and its his single saving grace and its what she would choose to do in every life" the characters can believably fall into this conclusion.

the problem is HOW they fall into that. it was HURRIED. Kisara's dramatic personality and Set's dramatic personality, seen by the other, appreciated, FORCED into allyship and the growing affection of both sides. the plot could have been slowed down, if by nothing else then prolonging her prisoner status, giving them some alone time. things i would like explored like:

her thankfulness and his interest in her Ka morphing into genuine care. We needed to see his compassion and her loyalty grow. Could have so many moments....

theyre ALWAYS going to end in tragedy IN THAT LIFE so why not commit fully. he feels resentment his mother died the day he saved her. that same day is the shining most beautiful moment in kisaras life where a complete stranger showed her compassion. finding this out breaks his heart.

if she and him are, at the time of the story, two people whose fates are crossing or were they ALWAYS meant and created for each other: to explain, im curious if BEWD, whose power rivals gods, did have godly roots before becoming a Strictly worldly being made of 2 working parts, the mortal vessel and the Ka. Set and Seto both have blue eyes. doesnt seem like the work of a Ka.

is it sadder if they kiss or is it sadder if they dont. idk but im voting kiss

the themes of control and will and dominance and submission. HEAR ME OUT OK Kisara, let alone her life, even her own self and body is outside of her control, things outside of her control like her coloring make everyone elses reactions to her out of her control, spiralling and living a lost life, wandering and walking into the one man who is obsessively, relentlessly a Problem to fate itself by sheer force of will, who's single moment of gentleness towards her rewards both of them with her favor, therefore the dragons favor, therefore relative control of it for the first time, should have been shown and spelled out. she surrenders to him with such trust, which inspires good in him in return. its a breath of relief to both, her power out of her hands, finally listening to someone and him being gifted SUCH a loyalty from a woman, SUCH absolute surrender......jesus im getting lightheaded..

so in general as you can see 1-im not good at making up my own plot points and 2-the point of contention isnt how ancient mizushipping is handled, while it needed more time to cook, im p good at squeezing out of canon MANY interesting threads and implications, so the way its hurried is ultimately forgivable to me.

my problem is modern world writing around Seto, BEWD, Kisara. i think the writing was generally wack all around and especially callous to Kaiba, therefore resulting in inconsistent Kisara, basically erased for other than moments establishing his obsession w power and feeding his narcissistic characteristics which is so sad to me, as Kisara represents HIS melting and HIS softening and HIS light. the entire canon makes BEWD just his ally outside of some minor moments, which dont have lasting consequences.

and this ⬆ is all about Staying In Canon and how It Could Be Improved, with answers to Fuck Canon How To Make It Better? being infinite and very interesting.

#yugioh #ygo #seto kaiba #kisara #blueshipping #ask tag #i went ON and ON im sorry. all im good at is analysis!!!!! i ended up saying:#as hes said before: he got sick and cut it short.#the story needed not be cut short.#DAMN SHERLOCK REALLY??? yeah really....sorryy...

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puphoods · 2 months

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im interestedin your zombie and superpower worlds..

SMILES SO BIG this took me ages omfg sorry

im gonna do it in order zombies -> zombie superpowers -> superpowers okay. i realised u maybe just meant the one thats both im not sure? but i already typed most of this up so too bad

first up egressregress babeyyyy we all know... i think its set in like. the 2000s/early 2010s... there was a poorly handled viral outbreak that caused zombies to happen etc. its pretty much your typical "society is broken down the government fell everythings a free for all" situation. theres pockets of civilization but much, much more small and scattered, there are areas with few or no people, there are areas that are controlled by certain groups or factions, etc. there is some form of self appointed government out there but they ghave no far reaching control.

the characters the story centers around are mostly isolated- they live close by but still a distance away from a well known main road that leads to an area controlled by the "government" and other safe zones and so is often traveled. cooper, dahlia, and elliot are somewhat a group, but they fucking hate each other so bad and they all suck.

the zombies themselves are pretty generic. disease spread via bite it over the course of days to maybe two weeks at most with no intervention degrades the body and eats away at the brain. theyre slow moving, generally die partway into the disease progression, and move out of instinct. theres not much of a focus on the zombies themselves in the story, but they do play a part in the mindset and morality of cooper

THA SECOND ONE my furry zombie superpowers world. smiles. so this is like my newest ocs so i genuinely dont have much but its one that i really really enjoy bc its very self indulgent lol. its... i want to say kind of futuristic? but its a different world as well so. like its not Futuristic but its set in a world w technology + stuff slightly more advanced than ours. its like Furry World. u get it

theres a very small subset of people who have or develop powers. it is there is a genetic factor to it but i dont really have that thought out yet... typically they develop around puberty but can and do develop at any time in someones life

the story starts at the onset of a zombie outbreak- there are very, very few cases, but it is widespread, and extremely dangerous. id say its been like a few months since the first case... the main characters are a part of a team sent out to investigate and study the disease in an attempt to figure out how it spreads and try to find a cure, or at least prevent it from spreading further. the main character, leah, is a "scientist" on this team- shes the one leading the research for her group. leah has powers that appear very similar to the physical symptoms of the disease. shes trying her hardest to keep it under wraps while they investigate, and desperately hoping that there is no link between her and the outbreak

leahs powers are... bio-manipulation? essentially. she cannot alter the mind but can do a lot of crazy shit to the body

the virus ive actually thought about this one pretty in depth okay hold on. its spread through body fluids primarily and is asymptomatic + will remain such unless its exposed to someone with a symptomatic infection (generally via bite but can also be spread through body fluids). if youre bitten by someone with a symptomatic case and you dont have the virus youll just die no zombie mess it iwll kill u... the progression of the disease once "activated" (idk) is slow it generally takes minimum a week before it reaches its final stage but usually takes closer to 2, with 4 weeks being the longest it can take. it causes rapid physical growth + mutations, mostly additional body parts, and causes a huge increase in metabolic processes and how much fuel the body needs that eating enough food is almost impossible, and it starts eating at the body and brain pretty quickly. eventually the person dies but the body is still driven on by the disease until it eats itself alive, and is unable to function anymore. common mutations are just growth of the body and replication of body parts, especially teeth, fingers, and stomachs, but it also commonly duplicates limbs eyes other organs etc. (SECRAT ACTUAL PLOT POINT SPOILER) in the circumstance the body mutates in a way that lets it take in larger amounts of food (more stomachs mouths teeth) and has access to enough food, for example a group of people dedicated to feeding it, it can, theoretically, grow forever. eventually the mutations will be so severe it will be unrecognizable as having been a person and can no longer move. itd be pretty much impossible to keep one fed for more than a year or so unless you were feeding it like. a ridiculous amount of meat.

last storuy ok the superpowers one. i dont have much additional to say wrt the powers than i did in the other post but i can tell u about the people... i actually have a fair few characters for this one but the story centers on adrienne. adrienne is a teenage girl with kinetic manipulation powers, she can store and use kinetic energy which generally comes out as some find of explosive force or something like that. i really am not happy with her story because shes a very old character now so i need to rework it a lot. some other characters:

kasey- a young woman with healing powers who was working as an EMT when her powers developed. she resents her powers and has the same mentor as adrienne, theyre narrative foils, etc.

sonar- adrienne and kaseys mentor. hes ex superhero + regrets his time as a hero, and is trying to get the girls on track. he doesnt want anything to do with the whole hero and villain sort of scene anymore but feels obligated to keep the others safe

longshot- ^sonars ex husband lol. hes a hero turned villain, in part because of their falling out, but bc of a lot of other things too. he has really good eyesight and shoots people. with guns

roulette, copycat, 2 more unnamed characters- a small villain group that are involved in the plot and that adrienne gets involved with while shes trying to do...whatever i decide she ends up doing in her new story. they arent anything serious and mostly just rob banks and shit

#answered asks #my ocs #THIS IS REALLY LONG eep #idk much to say about the last one its old and htey were fan ocs. LOL. i need to rework a lot of them but theyre like.#backburner ocs i dont think about them too much

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serumfx · 3 months

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I feel like so many people feel the need to consider themselves paraphiles for having harmless kinks that arent based in reality at all but are still alienated by the internet so they want to lean into the whole "proship" argument and side with legitimately dangerous people because of their language of progressive love and tolerance for absolutely Everyone. so you have people turning to these crowds for acceptance because theyre like, an objectophile or into weird cartoon furry porn or something and people put that on the same level as harmful paraphilias when they are really not comparable at all. when if we didnt make fictional fetishes as relevant as we do i really doubt this would be much of an issue and the average person would understand where the line is drawn and Why the line is drawn there. Idk it just sucks

#words

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wildcardsoul · 9 days

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a more in depth background of my persona 3 oc...

the one linked here! It's a lot so its gonna be under the cut but it's much more than what i had before!! idk how many will see this but it would be so cool and awesome if you read it because these two give me such intense brain worms i need to tell everyone about them (will include p3 spoilers)

touma hiroya was born as a surprise to an, all things considered, normal family. a mom, dad, and a brother, teijo, 10 years his elder. his family was not expecting another child but welcomed him anyways

the pregnancy caused a lot of complications, but they thought they were in the clear during his birth, unfortunately more issues arised and his mother passed away shortly after, devastating the others. a new life was brought into the world but at the cost of another.

both grew bitter towards the newborn, silently blaming him for the death of the mother. it took until his father shouted at the now-toddler for teijo to realize how foolish he was being. touma was completely innocent.

but things only got worse as time went on, their father having resorted to drinking since the passing of his wife and quickly developed an addiction. obviously i wont be going into abuse detail but their situation gets Bad, but teijo always makes sure to protect touma always

he manages to get accepted into a college, with an insane amount of hard work he is able to gather enough money to get an apartment and take in touma, pretty much raising him. teijo finds himself leaning more towards science, while touma starts picking up his medical books

years pass, now roughly 20 and 30, teijo gets himself into the kirijo groups scientists, and touma is in medical school. all things seem to be going well for the two, teijo sending touma extra money to support him every once in awhile.

that is, until, again, things take a turn for the worse. teijo gets sucked into the deeper parts of the group, seeing the experiments theyre doing on the shadows, and worse, people. but hes too far into the group now he cannot back out without being in danger

it becomes obvious, though, how he hesitates. and soon enough they turn on him. they realize teijo has a strong potential, and try to force-summon a persona from him. it works, but he is unable to control it, and his own persona kills him.

touma is clueless. he stays clueless, it wasnt uncommon for months to go by without hearing from his brother, he is busy after all. then the accident happens, the explosion. he is told his brother died there. and hes alone in the world.

touma tries to go on, tries to keep going in school but he struggles. he finds himself skipping classes, sleeping in, after some years he runs out of money, he has no choice but to drop out. he tries getting jobs, but none last too long. a few more years and hes out of money and jobs that will accept him. unable to afford his apartment anymore, hes stuck wondering the streets. its now he discovers the dark hour, terrified of it, but able to use it to his advantage. he felt awful, breaking into places and stealing, but he would starve otherwise.

its on fateful day that he is found. he had fainted on the street during the dark hour, after not having had enough to eat the day prior. shuji finds him, clothes torn and dirty, trying to get him to awaken. after a bit, he does.

during this time its early spring, a month or two after makoto had joined SEES. seeing the potential in touma, shuji decides to, at the very least, help him through the night. he can see what else can be learned about him, if he'll be useful to his cause.

after bringing him to his home, getting him showered and fed, they talk. shuji realizes he's heard of touma before, the younger brother to one of the scientists. it feels like fate, his brother had an extremely strong persona, if touma was any similar, perhaps he could be useful

if things were handled differently. with the plan in mind, shuji offers him to stay with him at his home. he even pulls some strings and allows touma to be an assistant nurse at the school.

months pass, and touma never awakens to his persona. but its alright, he is proving himself to be extremely useful by having the medical knowledge he does, helping out the kids after tough fights and long tartarus trips.

touma is EXTREMELY grateful towards shuji, feeling as if he saved his life. during those months he can't help but find himself falling for him. sure, it helps he saved him, but he genuinely adores shuji. he finds him so charming and funny, he feels like a schoolboy with a crush

meanwhile shuji is finding himself feeling the same. which complicates things a lot. he can't have feelings for someone right now! the world is destined to end, its unworth saving, theres no point in dealing with love. he tries to keep up appearances but shuji is stressed as hell

hes in heavy, heavy denial he could love someone in this cruel of a world, trying to find any reason to justify it. and he does. it all makes sense, why the pieces would fall into place so neatly. touma was destined to be the avatar of nyx. it was so clear!

shuji would be the god of the new world, with touma by his side to help bring it to fruition. no other reason would he be so drawn to him, right? so his plan continues in motion, until all 12 arcana shadows are defeated, and shuji starts his plan.

touma watches as someone who he loved betrays him, betrays them all. he tries his hardest to reason with shuji, to beg, to plead to listen to him, that killing these kids he cares for won't do any good, that the world is still worth saving, but shuji's delusions have taken over

shuji raves about how this is destiny, how this is what they wanted, right? to be together, and they will be, with the creation of the new world everything will be perfect. and the rest plays out in canon, aigis saving everyone, and shuji getting shot.

despite it all, the betrayal, touma still loves him. as shuji walks backwards towards the edge of the roof, touma runs over to him, trying to save him from falling, but it's too late at that point. shuji had fallen. without a second thought touma goes after him.

he doesn't think about it, if this is how he dies..then let it be. he'd rather die with shuji than live with losing someone else he loves. through the rush of doom, its finally now touma's persona awakens, eos, the goddess of dawn.

touma, who had managed to grab hold of shuji's hand, pulls him closer against the wind, and with eos' wings they're able to safely make it to the ground. what i have after this is pretty..up in the air, but pretty much it comes to shuji realizing he was fucking crazy and a LOT of therapy. a lot. touma and shuji stay away from the kids for awhile because..well they kind of doubt theyd want to see them. again still nothing concrete after this but. they end up being okay one way or another.

this is just like. toumas in-canon story how it would go In Canon but i also love pretending everything is fine and that theyre silly and in love but also ouch ouch ouch ouch they hurt me to think about sometimes

also sorry if not all of this makes a lot of sense within canon its been awhile since i beat the game.. but uaugh. augh. uahg. they mean so much to me.

heres a little lamb touma doodle for ur troubles <33 i doubt it but if anyone has any questions PLEAAASE ask me i need to talk about themmmm

#shuji ikutsuki #persona 3 #p3 #persona 3 reload #p3r #p3re #self shipping #self ship #canon x oc #canon x self insert #persona oc

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thatgirlwithasquid · 10 months

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tag game: stranger things edition 👻

tagged by @ratbastardbilly and @intothedysphoria (ty guys xx)

1. ride or die ship (your otp): CUNNINGWAY!!! They’re my girls. Chrissy and Heather my beloveds. I have never been so hyped for a ship before and this is the first time I’ve put this much effort into one, but if I don’t advocate for this rarepair then who will? (the answer is bambi. bambi will. but whatever, you get the point)

2. most annoying ship: there isn’t really a ship i find WHOLLY annoying. stancy maybe. i also think jancy and mileven have ran their course and jopper gives me a lil bit of the ick. obvi no hate to the ships or those that ship it!!

3. second favourite ship: ima have to say harringrove, but there are others i like a lot too!!

4. favourite platonic relationship: heather, chrissy & billy. the chaos trio. more should be done with them <3

5. underrated ship: there are so many!! argyle/chrissy (which i am lovingly referring to as pompompinapple, just try and stop me)? byergrove (billy/jonathan)? calicheer (billy/chrissy)??? how can i possibly choose????

6. overrated ship: uhhhh this feels dangerous. but steddie. dont get me wrong, i love this ship, but the boom in works for them was INSANE cause i dont think they have TOO MUCH chemistry in canon (tho there 100% is a good bit and it makes sense)

7. one thing i would change in canon: the blatant lack of care the main cast have for characters outside their group. no empathy for billy, barely anyone looking into heather, characters dying that no one mentions again…

8. something canon did right: I really liked steve and dustin’s dynamic. like, a LOT. they cocked it up a bit in s4 for the sake of ‘haha, dumb steve’ but yeah. theyre sweet :)

9. a thing i’m proud of creating for the fandom: my sideblog @poolsidepanic . i know that its a niche ship but i hope i help other people who love them as much as me actually be able to enjoy their ship and not just… be disappointed when they come up empty handed. the art and little fics and such i make over there make me so happy <3

10. a character who is perfect to me (wouldnt change a thing): heather. sassy, bitchy, yet kindhearted lifeguard? yes. the only thing id change is the DISSERVICE THE DUFFERS GAVE HER WHEN THEY KILLED HER AND IGNORED HER EXISTENCE.

11. the character i relate most to the most and why: steve. just how he responds to the offhanded comments the people he cares about make to him, that they never seem to realise hurt.

12. character i hate most and why: neil, karen, brenner. no explanation needed

13. something ive learned from the fandom: idk. ive always wanted to be a positive person but seeing some of the toxicity in the fandom has made me really want to keep my little blog as positive and safe as i can for everyone. some things we see SUCK but if i can make someones day a lil better id like to? so not really a learn but an encouragement to be nicer wherever i can

14. three tags i seek out on ao3: i dont read a lot of st fanfiction, actually. i havent been in the mood for it for AGES!! but in general im a slow burn, hurt/comfort, angst kind of person. i love the occasional, agonising right person not enough time or some character bashing for the sake of compelling suffering (if done right!!!)

15. a song i strongly associate with my otp/favourite character: ooooh fun!!! ‘Groan’, ‘Wet’ and ‘Maggot’ by Dazey and the Scouts are so Billy. ‘Drunk Walk Home’ by Mitski gives me Chrissy vibes, and ‘Maggot’ again for her tbh (billy and chrissy, my sad beloved blorbos). there arent any songs i associate with cunningway yet tho 😔

tagging: @bigdumbbambieyes @hargrove-mayfields @billyhargrovesupsidedownshadow @every-dayiwakeup and anyone else interested in sharing :)

#tag game

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binch-i-might-be · 2 months

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hi! its been a while, but life has been Life-ing! (god knows im swamped in calculus work) anyway, back to Thin Ice

marthas reaction is something thats so personal to me. shes been raised thinking bring gay is wrong, shes strongly religious, she thinks its being broken.

and then she finds out her child (whos hers but also Not bc of the affair) is not only something shes considered broken her whole life, but also that her husband has KNOWN and not told her. i can understand how its the slap in the face that she felt.

but she overcame it!!! thats the thing that gets me. she finds out that shes gonna lose alex if she doesnt get over it. so she tries. and she has these deeply rooted beliefs and theyre being changed by the evidence she has in front of her!!! and its not an easy change, but they are changing slowly. because shes trying!!

also. love the way washington gets through to her. the whole. how can love be a worse crime than killing people. even if its for a cause. like AIFHDHDJCJS

and she also has the thing washington does with. the danger. and that impacting how she sees john. so she has that on top of her religious prejudice.

ugh like.

HI WELCOME BACK and also eww calculus 😔

THANK. I couldn't resist a bit of religiously flavoured drama, and I wanted to portray it as.... understandable? sort of? like we know she's wrong but she's also a product of her time and circumstances

she IS changing! honestly I loved that cut and dry moment of realisation, like "I AM going to lose a child over this if I don't suck it up" so she damn well sucked it up!! none of that "no son of mine" bullshit in THIS house <3

THANK YOU I WAS VERY PLEASED WITH THAT IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL (<- has had her own quote in her header for years now)

thank u thank u I wanted Martha's unhinged shovel talk to reflect Gwash's but still be her own thing you know?? they are both very concerned about their disastrous bisexual baby boy :((

#martha. mom of all time i love her #thin ice 'verse #ask #🐥 anon

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eyeoftheaxolotl · 11 months

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another important time of year to know about that begins in june is hurricane season.

if you live in an at-risk area, make sure you have all the supplies you need. i live in miami, so you bet your ass we're getting all the batteries, non-perishables, emergency supplies, etc. that we need.

do not wait until a storm is approaching to prepare. panic may ensue after a storm is announced. items may become hard to find. get them now while there is not much going on.

here's a list of items to stock up on. ill also put it here bc if you dont read any of the links from this post i want to be sure you at least read this. this is (in no particular order) the list from Ready, the site NOAA has linked:

water. Ready recommends a gallon per person per day for several days; get what you can. be sure you also have water for pets if you have them.

food. have several days' worth of non-perishable food. again, be sure to get food for pets as well if needed. if the food is in cans, make sure you've got some way of opening them, i.e. manual can opener. dont rely on an electronic can opener. (optionally, extra plates, utensils, etc.)

radio, etc. ESPECIALLY if you're in a risk zone, your power can go out so fast. so can cell service, etc. know which devices work without power, which require a charger, and which can work without internet.

flashlight. generally a good thing to have anyway. harbor freight has rly bright ones for cheap, theyre by the front counter

first aid kit. again, generally a good thing to have in or out of hurricane season.

covid preventative measures. especially if you're living with other people — you may end up in close quarters for days at a time or longer, and that's gonna get really bad really fast if you don't have some way to ward off the virus

MEDICATIONS!!!! i can say from experience that hurricanes and even just storm surges have a very real chance of messing up your ability to get your prescription. all it takes is a power outage and the pharmacy to be like oh :( sorry cant give u ur meds now :( computer isnt working :( and you can get screwed so easily. also, check up on your supplies of any over-the-counter stuff you may need to use, especially if regularly (for example, ibuprofen and similar that might be needed for menstrual cramps)

menstrual products (pads, tampons, etc.). you will want to have enough of these for a while. make sure to account for anyone else you're living with who needs them too.

baby care products. Ready specifically lists formula, bottles, diapers, wipes, and diaper rash cream.

diversions for kids. Ready lists this too, and i can say from experience — being trapped inside without power during a hurricane as a kid is not only terrifying, but also boring as all hell. you don't really understand what the adults are talking about, you just know that you're possibly in danger and that your games arent working because of it, and it sucks. i highly recommend legos, but even a silly board game can be enough for a couple hours.

batteries. yes okay sure maybe you have batteries. but please double-check — are they the right kind? do you have enough for the things you may need to use them for? also keep track of batteries for devices such as hearing aids, which you are less likely to be able to find batteries for from a neighbor

whistle to signal for help. you can get em for like 3-4 bucks

dust mask for contaminated air. i tried to find whether this can be a covid mask, but no dice. lmk if you know! in the absence of any evidence that the two are completely interchangeable, i would recommend to get a separate dust mask just in case. harbor freight sells em in packs of 10 for 3-4 bucks. also keep in mind that not all dust masks are designed for use against covid

plastic sheeting and duct tape. this one is to seal up the walls in case of danger outside — here's how to do it. (Look at the section titled "Sheltering in place".)

wet wipes, garbage bags, plastic ties

wrench or pliers to turn off utilities. here's how to do it. be sure you know which tools can be used for what BEFORE you have to go do it yourself. while you're at it, check if you've got any tools you need to repair damage to mobility aids, etc.

maps of the area. if you dont know your area, if you're dorming or rooming and don't know what's around, whatever your situation — trust me, you do not want to have to rely on an electronic device to get to where you need to be. know what you're looking for in advance if possible.

phone, charger, etc.

other important supplies based on what you might need:

glasses + lens solution. once again, this is pretty much just a thing that's generally good to have. but also remember that a lens wipe can only do so much if your glasses are covered in large particles or particles in a large amount

cash, important documents, etc. preferably in a waterproof container. Ready specifically lists insurance policies, identification and bank account records.

blanket or sleeping bag for each person. yet another instance of something that is generally good to have.

full change of clothing + shoes. if you can get good, sturdy shoes — great. but if you have a pair of extra shoes, that's fine too.

fire extinguisher. i'll be honest — i've never included this in the kit, and i don't have one, but Ready lists it as an item some people might need. idk. if you feel like you might need one, you can look into it — they do seem to be among the pricier items on the list, though.

this list will show you your evacuation zone if you live in the eastern/southern US:

this shows flooding zones in the US and Puerto Rico:

please feel free to add on any other resources you know of!

#hurricane season #psa #axolspeaks

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sinkableruby · 1 year

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mini meta

spoiler talk for monogatari up til zoku

i wanna talk about oddities in monogatari so im just gonna dump my current thoughts n developing ideas on it rq theyre like the big conceit of the series and i think the most common reading is of them as representing mental illness-- but i dont think it can be simplified to this so easily. they are also things like gods, myths, which suggests to me the idea of God/gods existing in the self. but also they are people a lot of the time too:

the series tends to humanize the oddities, giving them personalities and even often shifting to the perspective of one (noticing this a lot in the light novels esp). so they are subjectified. but at the same time they are objectified: they often act to fulfill a set purpose, what they were created to do, some kind of function, which can be most clearly seen with oddities like kako, the weight crab, the rainy devil. so they flow between subject and object... making me think they represent a kinda abject in a way. abject being something of the Other the "I" recognizes in itself-- and feels horror or disgust in that recognition...

theres also a really interesting aspect to how oddities r connected w the idea of deviant identities-- ppl who are different from the norm and subvert it simply by virtue of being themselves, and are thus Otherized and demonized by society and shunted under the system. clearest example that comes to mind for this is ougi. ougi represents a deviant existence, as they are an "unknown" that gaen sees as dangerous and seeks to get rid of. not to mention their genderqueerness. but i think also notably, they are created as an entity of critique, and as such represent a critique of the norms of society. they r also an oddity composed of ALL oddities (bc of the whole thing with shishirui seishirou), so this is suggesting to me that monogatari is definitely linking oddities with the idea of a deviant or norm-defying identity. i think this is part of why i like them so much. i think this is also where the idea of the darkness could come into play, as a kind of symbol of societal norms and dominant culture subsuming everything. it exists to uphold the Rules but those Rules kinda suck ngl. it absorbs and subsumes everything as a 'nonexistence--' but it IS there. society isnt smth u can touch but it certainly has a heavy impact on everyone. and the oddities have always been societal, existing within people, so it makes sense that the darkness as the judge of oddities would be connected there too. this is kinda another point for ougi in terms of representing identities defying the norm (and therefore, for the idea of oddities in general representing identities defying the norm). ougi is a quasi-darkness, and imitates the role of the darkness, but obv they do not acc share values with the darkness. so in imitating the role of the darkness but not the values, it serves as a critique of the darkness. which is followed up on during ougi dark, where she faces the disapproval of the darkness but ultimately survives the encounter. their whole existence, then, subverts the darkness and critiques it-- literally by continuing to exist it is a statement against the darkness that would have had them erased. in being a quasi-darkness they are a critique of the darkness And a better darkness Than the actual darkness. kaiki is that you lol but that kind of subversion of the norm, of the Rules and Laws, just by existing, is simply incredibly queer. ougi, who in a way represents oddities in general, being this super subversive person and being suggests to me that oddities in general represent the 'oddness' inside a person, the oddness that disrupts the conventions of society.

and that also kinda gets back into the abject too. people are not like, things to be fit into boxes. people are fucking weird, and even if they try to fit into the boxes dictated by their societies, meeting the oddity is undeniable proof of the Other, the subversion of the norm, the deviancy within them. its too late in other words your gender has been transed not my fault! sorry i was too gender for you i guess lol!

um. yeah

#thoughts anyone?#monogatari #mini meta #oshino ougi #ougiposting #analysis #if u wanna know more about the abject stuff im getting it from julia kristeva's powers of horror #idk much about the whole essay but ik that part abt the abject #naka dont look #but yeah like ppl see the oddities as mental illnesses which they are at times #but just saying thats all there is to it really kinda bugs me bc thats not all there is to it #at all #its really rather complicated #anyway sorry if this doesnt make sense but i have work to do so i am hitting post!!! boom

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moodr1ng · 1 year

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a funny thing ive been thinking abt recently is.. as a crazyperson dealing with delusions, the one thing that best lets me manage them is not "convince myself that its not real" (i cant actually just turn off my psychosis :/) but saying "it IS real, this IS true, but only in my reality".

like, idk whether or not "objective reality" is a real thing and im sooo not interested in finding out, but i do know there is a... communal reality? one which is based on things which are observable to anyone, and which impact and are impacted by multiple people. so if thats our basis, the communal reality, then one might consider the idea of an individual reality; one where a person may observe, be impacted by, and impact things which are inobservable to anyone else, and which no one else can interact with directly. the observability and impact of what is being perceived by the person is undeniable to them, but it is very much deniable by anyone else, because its not true in the communal reality.

the crucial part of this, to me, is that if i use this framework, the only course of action that makes sense is to determine that i should avoid doing anything that would negatively impact people, things, or myself in the communal reality based on anything i observe solely in my individual reality. those things are not in the communal reality, so i have like, a sort of moral and also just rational duty to consider them fully irrelevant to the communal reality and to act accordingly.

like, ok, sometimes i become very aware (more than usual) that theres a woman on my balcony at night, and shes looking through my bedroom window and trying to get in, and some nights im so afraid of her that i lock my bedroom door and close the metal blinds all the way and sleep with the lights on. the woman on the balcony is very real... in my individual reality. but thats kind of the reality im in! so shes very real to me!

but, i know, shes not real to anyone else. so i shouldnt do dumb shit based on her being there. i know she cant impact the communal reality (my roommate isnt in danger, etc), so... its kinda fine that shes here?

she is scary and she does want to hurt me and im scared of her and i hate her and wish she would leave. and some nights i need to do my lil 'lockdown procedures' to get away from her, and it fucking sucks, and thats a very real shitty experience.

but, well, once i am able to recognize that shes not real to other people, then she can just be something i observe. i recognize that her reach is limited; that she cant hurt me or anyone else in any meaningful way; eventually, on most days she becomes background noise. eventually, me and them, in our pocket reality no one else experiences, i start to accept them a bit. if the lady could hurt me she would have by now - and i do think the lady on the balcony is also the 'witch behind the curtains' from my childhood, so.. she's had plenty of time.

she cant really hurt me. shes just trying to spook me. shes like these actors in walk-through haunted houses who are behind cages or fences - grabbing towards the audience, putting on a big show of how scary they are.. ultimately, theyre actors in a cage, still. the woman on the balcony is like that. scaring me is the only thing she actually can do; there is no true threat, because the cage of common reality will always hold her at arms length. and sure, shes really, really good at scaring me. and i really dont like it! but i can go through it and remind myself that its all an act. a haunted house tour i didnt sign up for, sure, but none of the actors are allowed to touch me. they cant affect the common reality.

like thats been p dope? im never gonna manage to believe that its "just not real". but i can manage "its real for me and nobody else". and that makes it bearable.

i talk to the man on the ceiling now, sometimes. when i leave my room in the dark i dont turn on the light - and i have always turned on the lights! - and i talk to him. i know hes there. and for years i checked the ceiling at night, compulsively, to make sure he wasnt there. he doesnt want me to see him, right, so i had to keep checking because that way he had to remain hidden and couldnt get close to me.

now i go sit in a completely dark, closed room and i say "hey man, hows it going up there", and hes there on the ceiling, of course, but i dont check now, to be polite (if hes that committed to hiding then clearly its nicer to not look for him!). i tell him about my day a bit. he doesnt respond, obviously, but also id really hate it if he did, so its all good with me. i picture his weird, blank head hanging down from the ceiling, his featureless face hovering just above me, watching me while im blinded by the darkness.

and those are the thoughts ive tried very, very hard to avoid having for so many years! i got into a habit of ig.. very intensely thinking the lyrics of a song while going through my apartment at night, doing the choreographed circuit of turning the lights off and on to make sure i was never in the dark, because if i let my thoughts slip for just a second id think about the ceiling man right behind me, and thatd freak me out.

just sitting there in the complete darkness, knowing hes so close, listening to me talk to him? not so long ago i wouldve had a panic attack about it. but its ok. because the ceiling man cant hurt me, either. and probably isnt even trying to.

i thought about it more, and i realized that while i know the woman is trying to hurt me - shes purposeful about scaring me - the ceiling man has never really been antagonistic. he follows me around, but moreso in the way an animal would follow some strange smaller animal out of curiosity. hes not really trying to do anything to me. hes just here. thats not his fault. hes stuck with me too! so, im chill with him now i guess.

like, seriously.. just saying "the paranoia entities are real actually, but just for me" has actually really really really helped. i wish i hadnt spent all this time thinking and being told that getting better meant no longer having delusions. like, sure, thatd be great!!!! but i cant just turn them off. and theres no treatment that can just 100% make psychosis go away. so, most likely, im still gonna have delusions, and, most likely, i will for the rest of my life, and possibly itll worsen with age. its not realistic to just think "the only real option here is to convince myself that my experiences are fake". what, like im smarter than my own brain? my brains not gonna let me think this isnt real. its making it up in the first place!! so yeah. whatever! it is real. so now i can focus on "whats the best course of action to take when i have (x) experience, while remembering that it cannot infringe upon other peoples reality?", and as it turns out theres a lot more i can do while working within the delusion. damn.

#long post #very long post #ok im shoving in a readmore bc this is absurdly long and everyone gonna be mad #psychosis inducing #paranoia inducing #unreality #psychosis trigger #uhhh #unreality tw #yeah im gonna have to say i think thats enough tags? idk any other ones #anyway sorry for long ass post just wanted to blog. lol. and yes yes im high again...

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