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rat-bisexual · 4 years

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A lot of bisexual history has been erased so I figured I’d remind you all of some quotes and clear up any misunderstandings about bisexuality.

Bisexuality has been described as attraction regardless of gender for decades

"I am bisexual because I am drawn to people regardless of gender"

-‘The Bisexual Community: Are We Visible Yet?’, 1987

“In the midst of whatever hardships we [bisexuals] had encountered, this day we worked with each other to preserve our gift of loving people for who they are regardless of gender.”

-Elissa M., “Bi Conference,” Bi Women, 1985

“To be bisexual is to have the potential to be open emotionally and sexually to people as people, regardless of their gender.”

-Office Pink Publishing, “Introduction,” Bisexual Lives, 1988

“Being bisexual does not mean they have sexual relations with both sexes but that they are capable of meaningful and intimate involvement with a person regardless of gender.”

-Janet Bode, “The Pressure Cooker,” View From Another Closet, 1976

“Over the past fifteen years, however, [one Caucasian man] has realized that he is ‘attracted to people — not their sexual identity’ and no longer cares whether his partners are male or female. He has kept his Bi identity and now uses it to refer to his attraction to people regardless of their gender.”

-Paula C. Rust, “Sexual Identity and Bisexual Identities,” Queer Studies: A Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Anthology, 1998

“In the midst of whatever hardships we [bisexuals] had encountered, this day we worked with each other to preserve our gift of loving people for who they are regardless of gender.”

-Elissa M., “Bi Conference,” Bi Women, 1985

“To be bisexual is to have the potential to be open emotionally and sexually to people as people, regardless of their gender.”

-Office Pink Publishing, “Introduction,” Bisexual Lives, 1988

Bisexuality doesn’t have to mean a person “sees gender”

“[S]ome bisexuals say they are blind to the gender of their potential lovers and that they love people as people… For the first group, a dichotomy of genders between which to choose doesn’t seem to exist”

-Kathleen Bennett, “Feminist Bisexuality, a Both/And Option for an Either/Or World,” Closer to Home: Bisexuality and Feminism,1992

"Some bisexual respondents bypass the issue of 'degrees' of attraction to women and men by defining bisexuals as a humanistic, gender-blind way of relating to others. They see bisexuality as a way of loving the person, not their sex, or being nondiscrimintory in their attractions to others. For example, Ludwica wrote, 'I feel as if I'm open to respond to the person, not just the gender.' "

-"Bisexuality and the Challenge to Lesbian Politics: Sex, Loyalty, and Revolution" by Paula C Rust 1995

“I believe that people fall in love with individuals, not with a sex… I believe most of us will end up acknowledging that we love certain people or, perhaps, certain kinds of people, and that gender need not be a significant category, though for some of us it may be.”

Ruth Hubbard, ‘There Is No ‘Natural’ Human Sexuality, Bi Women’ ,1986

“Some women who call themselves ‘bisexual’ insist that the gender of their lover is irrelevant to them, that they do not choose lovers on the basis of gender.”

-Marilyn Murphy, “Thinking About Bisexuality,” Bi Women, 1991

“Some of us are bisexual because we do not pay much attention to the gender of our attractions.”

-Bisexual Politics, Quiries and Visions, 1995

Bisexuality is inclusive of all genders

“Who is this group for exactly? Anyone who identifies as bisexual or thinks they are attracted to or interested in all genders… This newly formed [support] group is to create a supportive, safe environment for people who are questioning their sexual orientation and think they may be bisexual.”

-“Coming Out as Bisexual,” Bi Women, 1994

“It’s easier, I believe, for exclusive heterosexuals to tolerate (and that’s the word) exclusive homosexuals than [bisexuals] who, rejecting exclusivity, sleep with people not genders…”

-Martin Duberman, 1974 “The bisexual community should be a place where lines are erased. Bisexuality dismisses, disproves, and defies dichotomies. It connotates a loss of rigidity and absolutes. It is an inclusive term.” -‘Essay for the Inclusion of Transsexuals’, Kory Martin-Damon, 1995

“Bisexual — being emotionally and physically attracted to all genders.”

-The Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network, “Out of the Past: Teacher’s Guide” 1999

"Bisexuality is much more than, and different from, the sensationalized 'third choice, best of both worlds' phenomena it's made out to be. Bisexuality is an inclusive term that defines immense possibilities avalable to us, whether we act on them or not."

-"Bi Any Other Name", Loraine Hutchens and Lani Ku'ahumany, 1991

"Bisexual consciousness, because of its amorphous quality and inclusive nature, posed a fundamental threat to the dualistic and exclusionary thought patterns which were- and still are- tenaciously held by both the gay liberation leadership and its enemies."

-"The Bisexual Movement's Beginnings in the 70s'', Bisexual politics, Naomi Tucker, 1995

Bisexuality historically and currently includes transgender and nonbinary people

“With respect to our integrity as bisexuals, it is our responsibility to include transgender people in our language, in our communities, in our politics, and in our lives”

-Bisexual Politics: Theories, Queries, and Visions by Naomi S Tucker, 1995

"Bisexuality is here defined as the capacity , regardless of the sexual identity label one chooses , to love and sexually desire both same - and other - gendered individuals . The term other-gendered is used here deliberately and is preferable to the term opposite - gendered , because other - gendered encompasses a recognition of the existence of transgendered and transsexual individuals , who may embrace gender identities other than [male and female]"

-"Bisexuality: The Psychology and Politics of an Invisible Minority" by Beth A. Firestein and Dallas Denny, 1996

“From the earliest years of the bi community, significant numbers of TV/TS [transvestite/transsexual] and transgender people have always been involved with it. The bi community served as a kind of refuge for people who felt excluded from the established gay and lesbian communities.”

-Kevin Lano, “Bisexuality and Transgenderism,” Anything That Moves, 1998

"Bisexuality means having the capacity to be attracted to people of both major genders ( don't forget: there are gender minorities, too) ." “As with the word Bisexual, they usually also imply that relations with gender minorities are possible.”

-‘Bisexuality: A Reader and a Sourcebook’, 1990

“There were a lot of transvestites and transsexuals who came to [the San Francisco Bisexual Center in the 1970s], because they were not going to be turned away because of the way they dressed.”

-David Lourea in “Bisexual Histories in San Francisco in the 1970s and Early 1980s,” Dworkin, 2000 Journal of Bisexuality

"The actual lived non-binary history of the bisexual community and movement and the inclusive culture and community spirit of bisexuals are eradicated when a binary interpretation of our name for ourselves is arbitrarily assumed."

-"Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out" by Lani Ka’ahumanu

"In the bisexual movement as a whole, transgendered individuals are celebrated not only as an aspect of the diversity of the bisexual community, but, because like bisexuals, they do not fit neatly into dichotomous categories."

-"Bisexuality and the Challenge to Lesbian Politics" by Paula C. Rust, 1995

#bisexual #bisexual history #bi pride #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtq history #lgbt history

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hardtchill · 2 years

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To add to all those excellent points you were making - I was assigned female at birth, right now I'm questioning my gender, I think I might be non-binary or just very butch lesbian, I don't know yet. But I was always more "traditionally masculine" presenting (and I mean always, I remember being 3 and asking my mom for those cool sweat pants all the boys in the kindergarten had and If I could have a couple of different pairs of them) because I liked boys' clothes, toys, I also played a lot with other boys, so I was called a tomboy.

Then when I was around 14 I cut my hair short, first to a sort of a feminine haircut (which I hated because it was not what I asked for at all but the hairdresser just assumed that I wanted the haircut I showed her but made more feminine, which was shitty AF on her part by the way). I then slowly started getting more boyish cuts and started wearing men's clothes only, now I even go to men's barber where I'm probably the only afab person.

The more I looked like that the more I felt like myself, I even could breathe more easily because anytime I had to wear something feminine I was getting anxious and tense (I even think I had a couple of mild anxiety attacks because of it) and now I could finally relax. But I was also feeling more and more uncomfortable in public bathrooms or wherever in places like shops and restaurants because I would be called "sir" or referred to as "he", which I didn't actually mind that much when I was on my own (unless I had to correct them because for example I was somewhere in a formal capacity and needed to give my personal information and that was awkward af), but it was a whole other story when I was with my friends or family because it would either make them laugh at me or they would give me sympathetic looks, like the most embarrassing thing just happened to me and they were feeling sorry for me.

So I guess, the point I'm trying to make is that if anyone needs protection, it's trans women and from cisgender women. Many times I felt awkward and/or unsafe in bathrooms and locker rooms and classrooms and restaurants and different types of offices, and virtually anywhere you can think of, because of the way I look, and 80% or 90% of that was because of something a usually straight, always cisgender woman would say or do. I've been laughed at, I've gotten the most disgusted looks and really mean comments, all from cis women. Young and old alike. A trans woman never made me feel unwelcome or unsafe, never traumatized me. Even men's bathrooms feel safer, so I often use them if I know there are cabins inside.

So yeah, TERFs are so worried about being in danger they don't even notice how are they hurting others, sometimes even other cis women, who just don't look the way they would want them to.

YES ALL OF THIS.

Literally every single fucking Terf i ever talk to is so concerned with the fake danger Trans people pose while they completely ignore the fact that Trans people are targeted by everyone at all times (usually even without the CIS people noticing). They are so worried about the pretend danger they could be in, yet they choose to put Trans people in that exact danger.

Just look at the whole gender neutral bathroom debate. Terfs always say women will be attacked by men pretending to be women if you allow Trans people into the bathroom that aligns with their gender identity. Meanwhile this has been legal in the Netherlands since forever and there is no increase of attacks anywhere ever. So they are throwing a tantrum over a pretend danger while forcing Trans people to go into bathrooms in which they literally aren't safe, which is a fact supported by actual research instead of fear mongering.

And yes, you don't even need to be Trans to experience that. Granted i now identify as NB, but up until like 2-3 years ago i really wasn't sure and basically identified as a butch lesbian and i never felt safe in a women's restroom or god forbid a locker room. In classrooms i always felt left out because the Cis women didn't accept me even when i was still considered a Cis woman.

As a Trans person (or really anyone who doesn't fit in the norm), you're constantly looking for the place you're supposed to fit only to be told you don't and it's harmful as fuck.

It's about time certain Cis women take responsibility for the harm they cause, instead of complain about the danger that exists only in their messed up heads.

#ask #trans rights #non binary #cisgender

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aggressive-positivity-network · 3 years

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So I (A white cisgender heterosexual woman who likes pumpkin spice lattes and Animal Crossing, so yeah) grew up in a very, VERY LGBTQ+-phobic household, and that translated into me having basically no knowledge on the LGBTQ+ community. Could you do me a massive favor and just lay out straight the words and phrases and generally help a dumbass out?

Oooh, no problem! And believe me, you aren’t a dumbass. I knew next to nothing for a while, and I grew up in a very supportive household. I just didn’t have the means to learn about it.

Here’s a phrasebook for some common phrases you might hear:

TERF: Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist; they believe that trans women should not be included in their fight for gender equality, and that because trans woman “used to be men” they shouldn’t be allowed in women safe spaces because they might rape someone. Sooo yeah. Keep away from them. They are pretty nasty and misguided. Also known as radfems.

Pansexual: Attracted sexually to anyone of any gender identity.

Panromantic: Attracted romantically to anyone of any gender identity

Bisexual: Attracted sexually to two or more genders.

Biromantic: Attracted romantically to two or more genders

Pan/Bi Discourse: Some people think pansexual and bisexual should become one or the other because they’re very similar to each other, but whether you identify as either of them is a personal choice, and you shouldn’t let anyone dictate your identity - ever. You can even be both at the same time, if you choose to identify that way! Honestly, it isn’t that big of a deal which one you choose, as long as you feel comfortable between them!

Demisexual/Demiromantic: Needs to form a strong emotional bond with someone before pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship. They probably wouldn’t enjoy speed-dating or sleeping with someone they just met. They might not experience sexual attraction for someone unless they knew the person very well.

Asexual: Does not feel sexual attraction for anyone; however, they still might like to have sex, may be neutral about sex, or might even be repulsed by it. Most people confuse this with chastity (not choosing to have sex, usually for religious reasons) or abstinence (choosing not to have sex until married). However, they still might get horny, or want to pleasure themselves. The usual difference is having it with another person. If they see a hot guy, for example, the immediate thought may be, “Wow they’re attractive,” rather than, “Have my babies.”

Aromantic: Does not feel romantic attraction for anyone; this may mean that usual romantic relationships don’t appeal to the person, or that shows of romance (flowers, dates, etc.) doesn’t appeal to them. However, they can still have very strong platonic relationships, and still do enjoy sex, but might not develop crushes or want to go on a date with someone. They might marry platonically, or marry romantically on certain terms.

Grey/Graysexual: Anyone who is in that “gray” space between being asexual and being sexual. They might like the idea of sex, but hate the product. They might have fantasies they’d like to live out in the bedroom, but not actual sex. They might like sex, but under certain conditions. People have their own names for the different facets of graysexuality, but are all under this umbrella.

Grey/Grayromantic: Anyone in that “gray” space between romantic and aromantic. They might like huge shows of romance in novels, but wouldn’t be a fan of it happening to them. They might have a crush on a person, but would never be in a relationship with them, even if asked. Graysexuality also has different names for different facets, but it’s still all under this umbrella.

Queer: Usually used as a temporary or even permanent label for when someone is still trying to figure things out. They know that there is something inside of them that’s different - but they’re not quite sure yet.

Non-binary: People who are neither male nor female, and are outside the gender spectrum. A few have androgynous (gender-neutral) styles or body types, but no matter what they wear or what they look like, they are still non-binary!

Trans: Someone who was born gender, but knows in their heart that they are another. Someone may be born a boy, but always feel like a girl, vice versa, or both genders may change to non-binary, bigender, genderqueer, or genderfluid. Being trans simply means you are making the physical and/or mental transition from one gender or another.

Transmasc: A trans person that presents as masculine, with both clothes and manner.

Transfemme: A trans person that presents as feminine, with both clothes and gender.

Bigender: Someone who identifies as male sometimes and female sometimes.

Genderfluid: Someone who drifts from one end of the binary spectrum (male on one side, female on the other) and may have several sets of pronouns. They may feel more feminine one day, more masculine another, and somewhere in between later that week.

AMAB: Assigned Male At Birth; this has no bearing on current gender identity, but it’s medically useful and can help trans people talk about themselves before they transition.

AFAB: Assigned Female At Birth; this has no bearing on current gender identity, but it’s medically useful and can help trans people talk about themselves before they transition.

Two-Spirit: A Native American who identifies as the traditional third gender, with both a masculine and a feminine spirit inside of them. It’s a pretty new term, and not all Indigenous people choose to label themselves or others that way.

Femme: A woman who dresses and acts in a traditionally feminine way.

Butch: A woman who dresses and acts in a traditionally masculine way.

Beard: Describes a partner in a relationship that exists for the purpose of keeping someone’s true sexual attraction status a secret. A gay man might have a relationship with a woman, who would be considered his beard.

Queerplatonic Relationship: A relationship that is a mixture of the traditional platonic relationship and the traditional romantic relationship. People included in this relationship can raise children and own a house together, but most likely won’t participate in sexual and/or romantic activities.

Polyamorous Relationship: A relationship that includes three or more people at any given time. This may look like a couple having an open relationship, where they can date others as they please, or it may be a set few people that stay together. Two people can be attracted to one other person, three people can all be attracted to each other, two couples can have sexual or romantic relations with each other’s partner - there are infinite combinations, and, as long as it’s healthy, they’re all valid!

I hope this helps! This is not an exhaustive list, but these are pretty much the basics and a little bit more. If you have any specific term you’d like me to define, I’d be more than happy to! Also, if I got any wrong, please feel free to correct me, and I’ll edit the post as soon as I can!

Also, who’s your favorite Animal Crossing character? I like Blathers a lot! Nerds and professors have my entire heart.

#lgbtpeople #lgbtq rights #lgbtq positivity #lgbtq+#lgbtqiia+#lgbt representation #lgbtq community #lgbtq #lgbtqplus #send asks #send anons #lovely anons

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ficsex · 3 years

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Hey, I just wanted to speak up about the way afab and amab are used as shorthand for kinds of bodies in a lot of the questions here. As a trans person, it makes me really uncomfortable seeing these terms used as a "woke" substitute for "female-bodied" or "male-bodied". The idea that the gender you were assigned at birth tells us what genitals you have is exactly what these words were created to get away from? You could be afab and have a penis (e.g. intersex). It just feels really transphobic.

I appreciate you sharing that! I hear you, that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and am glad you’re checked in enough with yourself that you can recognize that discomfort.

(For those who don’t know, those are shorthand for “assigned female at birth” and “assigned male at birth”. They aren’t an exact description of genitals; they are instead what doctors write on a birth certificate based on ultrasounds or appearance of genitals at birth)

I am going to keep using amab and afab in specific circumstances, but I will explain why, in case this is helpful:

To start, I don’t usually use that language! I prefer to say “person with a penis” / “person with a vagina” / person with a prostate / etc, as I care more about what a person’s genitals look like during the sex that they are having, and less about what’s written on their birth certificate (In ficsex context, specifically. Generally, I don’t care at all what someone’s genitals look like).

Sometimes people in the asks use that language.

A lot of those people are non-binary humans for whom that language correctly describes enough of their experience to ask me a question. I’m not ever going to tell askers what language to use for themselves. They might choose to tell me that they are “cis women” or “trans women” or “trans men” (etc.) and that would also give me some clear info about their circumstances, but that language doesn’t work for everyone. Saying “Mx. Ficsex, I’m AFAB and I’m experiencing this: ____” is telling me what they want me to know, and not telling me things they don’t want me to know.

(I think this is mostly what you’re referring to, but I’ll go on a bit more to be clear with readers).

I don’t think afab and amab are are a "woke" substitute for "female-bodied" or "male-bodied". They are genuinely useful phrases that explain a) what genitals a person most predominantly displayed, at least at birth and possibly now, and b) what kinds of social forces they’ve dealt with.

On this blog (and in real life), I would never say "female-bodied" or "male-bodied". I know men with vulvas - I wouldn’t say any of them is “female-bodied”. I know women with penises - I wouldn’t say any of them is “male-bodied”. One of them might say she is ‘assigned male at birth’, though, as that is helpful information when it comes to learning about how she navigates the world, how the world responds to her, and - yes - what kinds of genitals she is likely to have, medical transitioning aside.

Definitely, none of these are guarantees. I try really hard to be specific when I am talking about trans bodies that have undergone any kind of medical transition, and if / when I talk about intersex bodies, I’ll specify that also! If you read my blog, you probably know by now that I am an over-explainer and a very precise person. I like specificity!

I read a lot of blogs by trans folks, binary and non-binary, and I check in with my trans colleagues frequently. I update my language and my teaching materials as often as I need to. As a non-trans person, it’s important to me to use the most affirming language that I can, and so I mirror the language used by these professionals and community members that I follow. These sources are still using amab and afab to describe exactly what they are saying - what sex a person is assigned at birth, and all of the baggage that comes along with that.

This is not to say that your discomfort isn’t valid - I can see that it is! Reaching out to a blog can be scary and tough! But it is to say that there is literally no language that makes every single person comfortable and safe, and all I can do is my best. At this moment, I feel like the language that I use in this blog still follows the guidelines and preferences that I see in the blogs / books / guides that I read. It also is to say that I’m not going to police the language that people who submit questions choose to use.

If you submit questions and you have been using language like “amab” and “afab” to describe your own body or the bodies of your characters, please feel encouraged to see if there are other words that will similarly describe what you are trying to communicate. That’s a great move. But also, keep using the words that you identify with, and that is okay.

#language #gender gender gender #Anonymous

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 3 years

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Hi, I'm a parent of a 14yr old who says he is a transmale. After reading the vocabulary list, is there a difference between transmasculine and transgender male? He has not transition yet but I'm trying to learn/do what I can to support his journey. Thank you and please accept my apology if I didn't use the correct descriptive words.

Lee says:

The difference is like the squares and rectangles thing!

All squares are rectangles, so all trans men fall under the transmasculine umbrella, but not all rectangles are squares, so not all transmasculine people identify as men.

Transmasculine is a term used to describe trans people who were assigned female at birth and identify with masculinity to a greater extent than with femininity in some way.

Being transmasculine doesn’t mean that you actually identify as a man, it just means you’re A) masculine-leaning, B) transgender, and C) assigned female at birth.

Personally speaking, I identify as transmasculine because my gender expression and medical transition is bringing me in a direction society sees as masculine.

I also am medically transitioning to a body that people see as more masculine- I’m on testosterone, I’ve gotten top surgery, I’ve had a hysterectomy, and I’m scheduled for phalloplasty in the spring.

In terms of my gender expression, I usually have short hair, I’m growing a patchy quarantine beard, I wear men’s clothing, etc. But saying I have a “masculine” gender expression is an interesting thing because it depends on your point of view. Compared to my pre-transition gender expression I come across as much more masculine now, but compared to gender-conforming cisgender heterosexual men, I do not come across as masculine at all! People often assume I’m a gay man because I am gender non-conforming in some ways, like I have effeminate mannerisms and while I only wear men’s clothes I wear super skinny jeans and the like, so when I’m in a group of men they often think I am feminine, and therefore I must be gay because #sterotypes be like that.

So I use the term transmasculine because it can be helpful in describing what my transition is, like where I’m coming from and where I’m going to, even though I’m not stereotypically Masculine™.

Despite my masculine-esque appearance and transition, I actually identify as genderqueer and non-binary and I feel that my gender itself is neutral and not particularly masculine or feminine.

I don’t understand what it means to “feel like” a boy/man, I don’t use masculine-coded words to refer to myself and prefer gender-neutral language, and I had a choice between being in a men’s group or space and a gender neutral group or space I’d always choose the gender neutral one.

I’ve just always known that I would be happier in a more stereotypically “male” body and being in my pre-transition body was increasingly distressing after puberty. Some people who have similar feelings as I do might choose to identify as a trans man, but I’ve just never felt the need to do so.

So even though I identify with masculinity and would consider myself transmasculine, I don’t consider myself a trans male, and that’s how someone can be transmasculine but not a trans man!

Transmasculine is the umbrella term that covers both binary transgender men like your son and non-binary people like me who choose to transition in a masculine way.

In your son’s case, it seems likely that he is both transmasculine and a transgender male. He’d be transmasculine because he likely is transitioning (or wants to transition) in a masculine way and/or identifies with masculinity or male-ness more than femininity or female-ness, and he’d be a transgender man because he knows he is a man despite the gender he was assigned at birth.

So it’s possible to be transmasculine and a trans man.

That being said, there’s a bunch of different terms that people use within the community and which term someone uses depends on the context and what they’re comfortable.

Some trans men may not be particularly attached to the word transmasculine as a self-identifier even though it’s a label they could choose to claim because they feel like it’s redundant or not necessary because saying they’re a trans man already conveys the same information that transmasculine does.

Transmasculine is a useful term for describing the overlap between the section of the trans male and AFAB non-binary community, but it doesn’t describe all AFAB non-binary people either, as some may identify as a trans neutral or eschew a broader umbrella altogether.

So transmasculine doesn’t mean the same thing as assigned female at birth, and not all transgender people who were AFAB are also transmasculine.

Anyhow, being knowledgeable about the various self-identity terms people may use and how the various umbrella terms fit together is definitely a cool thing to do in supporting him, but I don’t really think it’s the most important thing! I’ll be honest, there’s a lot of terms out there that even I don’t know, especially specific microlabels for gender identities, and different people define and apply the same terms in different ways. But messing up on terms matters to some people more than others, so it is good to get an idea of the commonly used terms to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

In general, the most important thing you can do to support his journey is listen to him about what he needs and make sure you’re approachable so he knows that you will listen to him.

Now for some advice that you didn’t ask for! I just can’t help myself, so here we go.

I’d personally recommend looking into trans-competent mental health providers in your area. This is useful for a couple of reasons, the first being that pre-transition trans people often have depression because they struggle with being misgendered, incidents of transphobia, dysphoria about their bodies, being rejected and not accepted by peers/relatives/teachers, and so on, which is a lot to add on top of the usual stress from high school! And therapy can be helpful in finding strategies to cope with gender dysphoria.

Additionally, medical providers and insurance companies who follow the WPATH-SOC will require a letter from a psychologist saying that the person is ready to take [insert relevant medical transitioning step] so seeing a therapist is often the first step towards a medical transition, and at age 14 he might be interested in starting puberty blockers until he’s able to go on testosterone. Or he might want to start testosterone right away, or do neither, but having a therapist and getting diagnosed with gender dysphoria can help get through the gatekeeping process that may be present in medical transitioning if that is the path he decides he want to take.

But be careful of how you bring this up- you really don’t want it to come across as you saying “you’re trans so you’re mentally ill and you need therapy,” because the fear of conversion therapy means if you don’t make it clear why you’re suggesting therapy he might be hearing the completely different message of “you need therapy so you can stop being trans and get better” which is not your intent at all.

Every step makes your child’s life better- I legally changed my name at 17, which was hard for my parents to allow because obviously they were attached to the name they had given me at birth, but it made a big difference in my mental health. And the earlier people transition the easier it is for them.

It might also be helpful to offer to buy him men’s clothing and underwear and shoes and men’s deodorant and all that if he only has women’s things right now. He might be between the boy’s and the men’s sizes for clothes, but most folks can find something they can fit into.

You might also want to offer to buy him a safe binder from a reputable binder company. Binding unsafely can have risks, and if he can’t get a safe binder he might choose to bind unsafely with a cheap and dangerous binder or ace bandages or duct tape and so on, or bind for too long because he has to hide it and can’t get away to change out of it.

Buying a packer is another thing that he might want, but of course, with all of these things you also shouldn’t make assumptions about what your son will want or need.

For example, some trans men may not medically transition and/or may not aim for an masculine gender expression because gender expression and genitals are different than gender identity. So even if he doesn’t want to go on testosterone, or decides to wear a dress sometimes or doesn’t pack, it doesn’t mean that he’s not trans.

You don’t want him to think that you’re saying that he should want these things or need them to be valid, or feel like you’re pressuring him into taking steps that he’s not ready for in his transition. But if you don’t bring up the topic at all, he might be too anxious to tell you about it because he’s worried about what you might think.

I do emphasize that being trans is rarely a phase, detransitioning is not common, trans people know who we are and we know our genders and you should trust our word on that and so on, but I think sometimes people push the “it’s not a phase!!!!” message so hard that they don’t leave any wiggle room for people who are still questioning and coming to terms with their identity.

Especially at the start of someone’s journey we need to be open to some level of uncertainty and change. The only person who knows what someone’s gender identity is the person whose gender it is. It’s very important to take your son at his word! But figuring out your identity can be a process, so be understanding if he switches names, pronouns, or gender labels a few times while he’s still figuring it out.

It’s likely that you will slip up with names and pronouns on occasion, and the best thing to do is just correct yourself, and move on.

You can briefly apologize (wait to do it later when you’re in private if it occured in front of someone) if you feel like it’s necessary. But don’t make it into a big deal, which calls attention to it and can be embarrassing for the trans person, and don’t start to self-flagellate about it and beat yourself up because then it makes it about you, and the trans person feels compelled to say “it’s fine” or something to reassure you when it isn’t fine.

Just correct yourself and move on, and do better next time! Then make sure you actually practice with his chosen name and pronouns so you make fewer mistakes in the future- practice makes perfect, as they say.

You should also make sure you’re an active ally to trans people in your everyday life if you weren’t already doing this. This is something you should ideally be doing whether or not you have a trans son who just came out.

Finally, make sure you get the support you need. You might find seeing a therapist helpful for yourself, or connecting with a support group for parents of LGBTQ children- many are meeting on Zoom now, so if there isn’t a group local to you there’s probably one online you can join! Be careful to avoid the transphobic mom groups that promote conversion therapy, rapid onset gender dysphoria, and don’t believe in being transgender. Finding a good support group will let you vent when you need to and find community for yourself as well- it’s a lot to process, and it can be emotionally difficult for you on top of managing the logistics.

But honestly, I wouldn’t recommend telling your son about anything you’re struggling with when it comes to his identity because saying things like “I feel like I’m mourning my daughter” isn’t going to make your relationship with your son any better. Especially because he’s 14, telling him that you’re having a hard time is just going to hurt him without helping you any, so it’s best to keep those feelings between yourself and your support system until you’ve reached that stage of acceptance when you’re no longer struggling with coming to terms with it. He needs to be reassured that you’re supportive of who he is and he won’t be able to reconcile your support with those statements, so don’t lie but don’t volunteer those sentiments.

The For parents/guardians intro has some of the same stuff as I mentioned above, like links to safe binders and packers and info on puberty blockers and the benefits of medical transitioning, so check that out too if you haven’t!

All in all, I think it’s really great that you’re reaching out and trying to support him! I know that even trans folks with really supportive parents still have anxiety about being rejected so it’s good to give them a little extra reassurance to show that you do care about him and that you do see him as male and you respect what he’s sharing with you. Good luck to both of you!

Followers, anything to add?

#Lee says #transmasculine #trans male #terminology #parent #parents #allies #for allies #cis asker #Anonymous #trans #transgender #transgenderteensurvivalguide #TTSG

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femmesandhoney · 2 years

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It's okay if you ignore this or what-not- but I need to get this off my chest.

I feel like the internet has really messed up a lot of peoples perceptions, obviously. I feel like male at birth ppl should not be included in lesbianism, as their sex is male. It makes me feel two faced though, because I don't care if an female at birth is a lesbian, even if they identify as non-binary. I can't even mention this on most online spaces, as people will just jump to calling you a terf, transphobe, try to dox you, etc.

I've even grown a but of resentment towards trans ppl- and not for being trans, but for invading women's safe spaces and demanding changes in communities that dont need it. Ive never seen a post about, "trans inclusive language" regarding men, but there's thousands for women. Women are reduced down to uterus haver, birth giver, etc, while men are just men, not sperm haver, etc.

I guess the whole point of this is, am I a bad person? I feel like shit for the way I've changed my thinking after exploring feminism, radfem, lesbianism, and everything else.

hi anon, thanks for trusting me with this message. as a person who "peaked" only a few months ago, this feeling is still fresh in my head on how i felt when i began looking into radical feminism after feeling resented in liberal spaces for being a lesbian. if you want a psychological understanding of what is happening, you're having attitude changes. "Inconsistency begets attitude change...when important cognitions collide, the attitude destabilizes, and some aspect usually caves". we as humans do not like being inconsistent with our beliefs or attitudes, we like feeling as if we have always known what we have known and have never had major changes. we are always striving to be consistent, we have discomfort if we are not. subsequently we either change our attitude or behavior, and it's easier to change an attitude than a behavior in most cases.

here's the thing though: your attitudes do not predict your behavior. it's honestly a weak link between them. while behavior can influence attitude changes and vice versa, i do not think exploring radical feminism or agreeing with it is turning you into a "bad person". what you're feeling is the discomfort of confusion between attitudes towards radical feminism and liberal feminism for lack of a better separation—because as always things are always more complicated than this surface explanation—so you're feeling dissonance.

but what you're also realizing is you have the facts and always have. you know sex is real, you know sexuality is real, you can see the very obvious harm a lot of trans activism has wrecked on LGB spaces. those aren't invisible, intangible things and you obviously know that. that's why you feel "two faced" when in the liberal spaces, because you recognize some of your attitudes don't align with what the group around you holds.

i cannot tell you which attitude is "right" and how you "should" proceed because there isn't really a step by step way to resolve your dissonance other than attitude/behavior changes. and i cannot change your attitude or behavior for you. you also don't need to break anything down to "radical vs liberal" feminism as I did to showcase what I was talking about. you don't have to be a radical feminist to believe what you have described to me in the ask. i think you're a perfectly normal person searching for information to form an opinion about something so you can rationalize what you see happening around you in liberal spaces.

i will also tell you, that radfems are always open to questions about our beliefs and that there are hundreds upon hundreds of informational posts on blogs and tags that you can go to for guides. again you're not a bad person and i hope my lengthy run down of the psychological factors behind what you're experiencing might help you understand and feel more in control.

#ask #anon #we have all been in ur shoes anon trust me #the weird in between of forming new opinions and attitudes about previously taught to hate things is jarring and uncomfortable #seeing you might have had the wrong idea towards a group is also uncomfortable to grasp #i certainly was shocked that radfems weren't all evil child eating monsters

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ticklepinions · 3 years

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The bad? The way woman are extremely sexualized and when you say you don't want nothing to do with underwear tickling you get mistreated, the fact that if you type tickling gif you will see only 5 or so gifs containing boys, the fact that it's not a single bit inclusive and that it's hard to see black, non binary, butches, and it will be mostly skinny girls... Thus leading to a lot of creeps thinking they CAN sexualize woman and it's normal in this community, the fact that m|m it's not so comum and w|w are mostly sexualized and fetishizes

Another factor i want to mention as the bad is the amount of people who become obsessed with tickling and you can't see them no longer as a person, because all they talk about is tickling, and they no longer see you as a person, they see you as a lee or let or switch, trying to intrusively tickle talk without seeing any boundaries, you get completely detached from reality vibes from this kind of person because you can't imagine talking to someone that is like that in real life... Sorryyy for ginormus texts i just ugh these are just things that i always wanted to say but I've always been scared of talking about it and recieving negative criticism

To the first part:

Yes. Absolutely. I find it sad like I said in another post. There needs to be more sfw representation of tickles. There needs to be more body types and people of different identities and ethnicities.

Women and feminine aligning people are unfortunately very sexualized in our society. And it's funny cause you don't think homophobia would get looped into being one of the factors as to why it's still being upheld today. There are double standards with w|w compared to m|m. With m|m I've seen people be labeled as the usual "that's gay/sus" and I'm like uh what does sexuality have to do with tickling?? In a nsfw context sure, I get it. But sfw? You don't have to enjoy/tolerate being touched by another person because of their identity, however when you start being disrespectful you're crossing the line. If you are a masc identifying person and like being tickled by only masc identifying people that's more than valid. It does not change your sexuality, thats up to you. The minute its w|w cis straight guys go bonkers. It's so "hot" and "sexy", maybe fetishizing it isn't their intent but I feel like that's whats happening. And this leads to the second part you mentioned.

People see others as nothing more than an object for their pleasure. It is gross. It's sad. Because often they don't realize it. Despite people trying ti say hey, that's kinda creepy, they just can't see the error of their ways. My thing is, I get we are in this community and we all have one common liking of tickles. And for some it's hard picking topics that don't seen mundane so as a fail-safe they go straight for tickle talk. And it's frustrating because the receiver (depending on the person) feels like wow am I just a lee/ler/switch to them. And it sucks. Does no one want to get to know the real me? Like you just like that I'm ticklish and that's it? Lame. I love friendship. No scratch that. I love familyship. I love getting to remind people that I love them. I love creating my own group where I feel like I belong and they the same. When you get to truly know the person first, it's just so much more fun. The banter, the inside jokes, it's amazing. You literally can meet your new best friends here. And guess what? Tickle talk CAN happen but most times you're sending memes to each other, or pictures of fluffy cows. Don't you want that? Rather than a *tickles your [REDACTED]*? To each their own but just my opinion.

Anyway my brain doesn't work linearly. So back to the first point. Women deserve better. Period. Black women and other women of colour deserve better. Trans women deserve better. Women who are thin and women who have chub deserve better. Women should be allowed to post pictures without being sexualised. Without having to be afraid that if they post themselves they'd get creepy dms. Dont get me started on d!ck pics. Before this gets too long, I hear you and I'm here for you if you ever need. Thanks for sharing, I appreciate it. This is a safe space for your thoughts.

#ticklepinion #asks #long post #serious post #the good the bad and the ugly

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tundrainafrica · 3 years

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hi, maybe you're tired about this kind of convie regarding hange's gender but i really need your opinion. is it that wrong if i consider hange as a she? istg i'm not anythingphobic, i'm just still stuck with female hange in anime. i stan aot since 2013 and felt just fine to open up about my preference in hange's gender but lately, considering hange as a she is like the most sinful thing in the whole planet and even being attacked and i don't know what to feel about it. 😩

Thank you for the ask anon!

Lmao, I am tired of this discourse but I’ve kinda accepted that it’s never gonna end really so I’m still happy to give you my opinion about this again.

I have written about it here.

Before I go into this long ramble again I’d like to clarify some terms which tend to pepper the discourse of gender, sexuality etc etc etc.

Biological Sex: What genitalia where you born with? Either born male, female or with both genitalia.

Gender: What do you identify as? CIS, Trans, Nonbinary etc.

Sexuality: Who are you attracted to? Homosexual, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Asexual, Pansexual etc.

Gender roles: Where do you fall on the gradient? Feminine, Masculine etc.

And the point of this is, the discourse on gender is soooo complicated. Like very complicated because Hange being interpreted as NB to some people only covers the question of gender. Like these do not cover every other facet of the gender sexuality discourse.

Because everything up there is ‘mutually exclusive’ to a degree because everyone is so complex. Like you can take a random option in each of those, fit it together in our heads and you would still come up with a realistic person. Because that is how complex human beings are. I have friends who decided to get a boyfriend, realized they were trans, transitioned to male but had both boyfriends and girlfriends. I have a butch lesbian friend who dated a few guys then decided to date girls then decided to transition. You have me who literally tried everything on the sexuality spectrum, crushed on a few girls in high school, crushed on a few more girls in college, thought I was asexual for a while, fell in love with a guy and realized I love dick.

You can actually have a biological male who identifies as nonbinary but is bisexual but has feminine tendencies.

And that’s why even I find it so confusing to address the issue of non binary Hange vs female Hange. Because they are not even in the same bracket. Like we can have a non binary female feminine bisexual Hange all at the same time if you think about it.

If you have read all my fics and all of my meta about Hange, you would see that I refer to her as a ‘she,’ but at the same time, I do not portray Hange as overly feminine. I headcanon that Hange has tried dating women and I also head canon that Hange has female genitalia (yo, I write preggo Hange fics). She actually falls somewhere in the middle. And what makes the gender part so hard to consider is because usually whether someone decides to identify as CIS, NB or Trans is up to the person.

And there are just so many other hcs I want to tackle as a fanfiction writer and as a Hange stan beyond her gender and that’s why I don’t really headcanon the whole discovery part because even as a kid, I have never been so particular about my gender. I know I’m a biologically a woman, I have feminine and masculine tendencies. I have loved both men and women. but gender just seemed like just a decision which I just didn’t want to think too hard about.

I mean where I live, my first language doesn’t have gender pronouns so I can avoid the whole discourse altogether by just using Tagalog. I’m the type of person who will just have this person think I’m a man all the way until they meet me because I just wanna get things done and I feel no need to correct people. My first crushes were all women, despite my being a woman and the first people I have ever loved were women and I didn’t want to decide whether I was bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual etc. yet because even teenage me just found it way too complex and too final and just went around saying I liked this girl or I liked this guy and generally because I’m that type of person, I don’t spend a lot of my time thinking about gender even in a fandom space unless somebody asks.

And does it make me homophobic/LGBT-phobic etc etc for deciding to use ‘she’ and deciding to tackle questions about Hange beyond her gender? No. Like this conclusion is inherently flawed. I was hella gay for a huge point in my life. 99% of my crushes were women. Then there was this period where I didn’t enjoy romance The only guy irl I have ever crushed on is my current boyfriend. But even when I explored my own gender, sexuality, it was always an ‘in the back of my mind’ thing. I didn’t have huge personal metas about what exactly my gender was or where exactly I fall or what pronouns I prefer.

And nobody is obliged to look so deep into this discourse. The important thing is in real life, we respect people’s pronouns, we respect the names they want to go by and we respect people’s preferences (as long as they aren’t dangerously criminal.)

And the thing is, this isn’t even real life. This is a fandom space. And in a fandom space, everyone is literally interpreting characters however they want. We have people literally pairing off Levi with both men and women and technically we’re assuming Levi’s gender, sexuality etc. Sure it might diverge from canon but does that make our headcanon any less than the others? Like Levi’s sexuality has never been confirmed and technically we’re all just assuming what kind of person Levi would have wanted to fuck right? Like every yaoi pairing, every ship is just fans assuming someones gender, assuming someone’s sexuality.

And sure people could argue, ‘Yams’ didn’t confirm her gender. But Yam’s didn’t confirm anyone’s sexuality either but here we are pairing Mikasa off with Annie then pairing Mikasa off with Eren. Like same energy with ships, are there ships which are inherently superior to others? And technically, I could headcanon Levi as a woman if I wanted to and no one could stop me. I mean sure let’s celebrate that some of our headcanon and preferences have been acknowledged but what battle are we trying to win here really.

To answer your question, it is not wrong. Having any opinion and having whatever headcanon you have about any fandom in this space is not wrong.

Sure, Hange is a comfort character to many people for various reasons. Hange is a comfort character for me but Hange is not any single person’s comfort character. Hange is a gift to us by Yams to interpret and play with however we want. Hell, every other character we’ve ever grown to love was a gift to all of us by the author. And we can choose to hc them however we want. That is the magic of fandoms.

If I wanted to, I could make some eruri and ereri mpreg fics for the kicks, I could interpret Levi as every single gender, sexuality on the spectrum and it would be just as valid. I mean I won’t because I don’t jive with those headcanons or those types of ships but I would respect people who have those types of preferences.

This space is free for everyone. We can choose what we want to consume and we can choose how we want to interpret characters.

The only responsibility we have as fans is to use the right warnings when we post shit and to respect everybody else’s preferences.

What I would consider ‘sinful’ is just dropping some unnecessary hate into a place which is supposed to be our safe space or pushing an agenda or an opinion and being hateful about it in the process. Like sure, spread your agenda, spread your opinions and your headcanons but please be nice about it.

We’re all just sad people trying to survive in this crapsack world.

#levihan #hange zoe

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bbyannabeth · 2 years

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hello, i wanted to ask this to someone who is a non-binary person, because i'm a bit confused and trying to get educated. bisexuality is being attracted to more than 1 gender, so is it transphobic to be only romantically attracted to men & women whilst having NO problem with non-binary and trans people?

im not sure how to answer this honestly. im going to give my opinion on this, but don’t take this too much to heart because other people probably feel differently

so for starters, i know most people know this but there are also several who don’t (surprisingly) so i want to clarify that sex and gender are different. sex is the body parts you’re born with, gender is what you identify as. im sure you know that, i’m just making a note for those who don’t<3

a lot of the times, when someone isn’t attracted to trans people, it comes down to their sex. for example, im attracted to women - but also the female sex so while i love and respect trans women, i wouldn’t be sexually attracted to them if they had the male sex - doesn’t make them any less of a woman, just to clarify. if anyone thinks trans women aren’t real women/trans men aren’t real men, please block me. but you can’t help what sex you’re attracted to, and it’s okay to not like certain body parts or whatever as long as you’re respectful.

by saying you’re attracted to men and women, it’s kind of safe for me to infer you’re attracted to both sexes. (i don’t want to assume ofc and it’s different for everyone but usually, that’s what bisexuality entails). so, going along with someone who is attracted to both sexes, that would mean the thing that makes you no longer attracted to a person is solely learning that they’re trans/nonbinary. which, even if you’re respectful to them, does seem a little weird to me. because them being trans or nonbinary doesn’t… change anything about their personality. and usually, especially for nonbinary people, you can’t tell from an outward appearance that they’re trans/nonbinary. so it really is just their gender identity that you have a problem with…

so i honestly don’t know. in my opinion, if you are attracted to both sexes, then the gender shouldn’t be a big enough issue to make you lose attraction altogether.. like i would be a little offended if i was interested someone who i knew was attracted to my sex, but then no longer attracted to me because i’m nonbinary

if i have any other trans or nonbinary followers that would like to give their opinion respectfully, feel free

#sorry this is a novel lmfao #ask #anon

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its-an-inxp-again · 3 years

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Hey

Idk if you ever got the answer to your thing. But I’m a person who is queer but regularly uses the term lesbian to make things simpler. I can tell you why I hate the phrase monosexual- it feels transphobic to me- I am not attracted to men at all, but I am attracted to women, non-binary folks, gender queer folks, and agender folks. If I was with a partner and they transitioned to be a man I would still love them. That wouldn’t change. Sexuality is fluid and calling someone monosexual seems to erase that and really put people in boxes. Everyone has exceptions. And as someone who has identified as bisexual and pansexual in the past and find those not to suit me and fit right (especially since I am not sexually/romantically attracted to people physically/based on appearances- it’s more about personality and what I could do with a person)

I don’t mean this in an antagonistic way, I really hope it doesn’t come off that way(I’m bad expressing myself sorry).

(I’m sorry, I know you’re not trying to be rude. My answer, however, will sound rude and upset because you touched upon some stuff that needs a lot of unpacking to me lmao. Just know this anger is not necessarily directed at you but at biphobia in general.)

Why do bisexual people may need to use the term monosexual?

A. It is descriptive

I see what you mean but as you said you're queer and lesbian is a term to make things simpler, right?

So I wouldnt call you monosexual because you’re clearly not attracted to only one gender (but if you want to who I am to stop you?). Monosexual is someone who is almost exclusively dating/is attracted to people of one gender. There are plenty trans people that are straight or gay that would NOT date a partner if they realized they were a different gender. For real: kat blaque made a video (here it is if youre interested) on youtube about this - she’s trans and she wants to date men and wouldnt feel comfortable on continuing dating if a partner of hers realized they were actually a trans woman all along. She wants to date guys not girls and that's FINE it just means A. She actually recognizes the girl gender, obviously B. She's straight af and that's wonderful! It’s not a box if that’s how her experience is and she likes it that way!

Also how is being monosexual transphobic? Cant a girl just like guys exclusively (both cis and trans) or like girls exclusively (both cis and trans)? It's not even enbyphobic since you dont need to be attracted to a person to support their rights. (Gay men arent attracted to women but can be 100% feminists.) Being open to fuck somebody is not the same as supporting their rights: fetishization is a thing. Again, I refer to the video Kat Blaque made.

Sexuality IS fluid but to some people (like me and you) it is more than others. Some people don’t feel comfortable dating people that dont fall into the gender theyre usually attracted to and thats 100% okay.

B. It helps in talking about biphobia and panphobia in society

Biphobia and panphobia are for the large part based on the assumption that you cant be attracted to more than one gender (not even non-binary and so on) and that if you do you're weird/disgusting/mentally ill/a sexual predator. I can tell you 100% that's the narrative both straight and gay people can and may perpetuate since I struggle w this kind of shit every single time Im attracted to someone no matter their gender (YES, EVEN IF THEY'RE A GUY, BECAUSE THE OTHER DAY I WAS ATTRACTED TO A GIRL AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING ANIMAL THAT CANT CONTROL ITSELF, even though it makes NO sense because if it was two girls or two boys the actual number of people my hormones activated to wouldnt change, but it would make my experience not subjected to biphobia!). I’m not saying gay people are the same as straight people. But I do feel alienated BOTH from heteronormative society AND from (subtly biphobic) gay spaces because of my bisexuality. I costantly feel like I’m outside both of those worlds and you know how humans are: I just need a term to encompass it all easily, to say “I don’t identify with any of this” (which is both straight and strictly gay spaces: ie, monosexual). To me is literally the same as saying non-bisexual/non-pansexual.

I dont mean to say lesbians or gays have it easier or are just like straight people. But we do have different experiences and I need terms to express that. It honestly doesnt matter to me if you identify as lesbian or queer (though I think you’re implying you’re more queer than anything). But I do need a term to talk about how society at large treats sexuality; ie, as a monosexual thing. Another concept that’s been thrown around is bi erasure. A strictly monosexual society is bound to view a girl dating a girl (or girl presenting) as if theyre both LESBIANS and erase a queer person the moment they’re in a m/f relationship, because people cant COMPUTE that it may not be the case and that the girl dating a cis straight dude isnt betraying her queerness.To think so is basic biphobia.

In some ways, I think it’s the same as when transgender people started using the term cisgender - which is applicable to both straight people and queer/gay people. They simply needed a term which meant “not-trans” as they were saying “I dont identify with this” (ie the cisgender experience). Does it imply that cisgender people, no matter if queer, have something in common? Yeah, yeah it does. Does it imply that queer people are just the same as straight people, or face no oppression? Of course not. Seeing people being offended upon being called monosexual feels like people being offended upon being called cis to me.

Also, saying that the terms bisexual people use are transphobic is almost implying that bisexuality is inherently transphobic? Or reeks to me of that kind of rhetoric. I use the terms I need to use, just like any other marginilized group does, and nobody outside of that group has any right of denying me that. It’s like I’m trying to create a safe space for myself and people like me and yall come around to judge us YET AGAIN. And I'm just tired of hearing this bullshit. I could accept this kind of criticism only if it came from a trans person themselves, I guess? But it’s not usually trans people who accuse us of being transphobic, in fact, many trans people identify as bisexual and use bisexual terminology lmfao.

“Hearts not parts” rhetoric

Finally, about personality being superior to physical appearance. That's amazing but I do want to note that, not you necessarily, but many people who are into the “hearts not parts” rhetoric are, how can I say this. Slut-shaming people? I’m not sure if you are doing this but I feel it needs to be said just to be sure. A lesbian trans woman can be just attracted to a girl for her physical appearance and just want to fuck her - and THAT'S OKAY. That's fine. I am a sexually attracted to people and that doesnt mean I have to form a deep bond first. Sex positivity is about accepting that people can feel like this and not shame them for this. "Hearts not parts” rhetoric has in the past infantilized, sanitized or outright shamed other queer experiences. It's fine if you feel that way but dont start acting like you're morally superior because of that. That's catholicism with extra steps. My bisexuality its not the symptom of some predatory and animalistic thing that should be purified into something more palatable and less sexual. That’s the same thing they used to say about gay people and now gay (biphobic) people are using this against us. That’s also the kind of thing trans women (especially if they’re sapphic) constantly hear every fucking day. Queer people have a good part of their discrimination rooted in the shaming of purely sexual desires. Forcing ourselves to be more palatable and less sexual is just respectability politics. I’m tired of it. (This is obviously different from being on the asexual spectrum: but you dont see ace people going around pretending they’re morally superior than everybody else, and many are actually very sex positive) You would still love your partner if they were a different gender: that’s great, but that’s not how some (most) people feel, and they aren’t superficial because of this, just different from you.

Also, I think you’d really benefit from hearing a trans person say they don’t care if someone has genitalia preferences. Here it is. This obviously doesnt mean that every trans person will feel like she does, but it does mean that we can’t generalize trans experiences/preferences/what they feel transphobia is. Just like straight people dont get to say what’s homophobic or not, cis people dont get to say what’s transphobic or not. The definition of those terms relies entirely on the community that is targeted by these things.

I hope this wasnt excessively confusing but I wanted to make my point clear.

#ask #anon ask #sometimes i say stuff #tw biphobia #tw transphobia #tw panphobia #tw queerphobia #lgbt #lgbtqia

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oreoambitions · 3 years

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Hi! Can I ask you for some advice? It's fine if you don't want to answer, but I've been having a gender crisis lately. (I'm AFAB) It started when I looked in the mirror and thought I was a boy and my immediate reaction was disgust. I don't feel comfortable referred to as a boy or non binary or using pronouns that aren't she/her. I'm been combating this by dressing a little more feminine than usual and when I do, it helps. And I have a lot of male friends (because I'm in a male dominated club) but when they refer to each other as boys, I don't feel included and usually add girl when I'm with them. I just don't know anymore. Can you give advice if you want to?

Hey friend! That sounds like an interesting situation you're in! I'm not sure *exactly* what you need advice about so I'm gonna just throw some stuff out there. It sounds like you need to have a talk with the folks you hang around with. If - and I have hung around in male dominated groups, so I know that's a big if - there are one or two folks you trust to take you seriously, tell them how much it bothers you when the group self references as male and get them on the same page about using more inclusive language. Adding "and girl!" is helpful but it'll be more helpful when other folks in the group are backing you up (or better yet, speaking up before you have to). And you might feel better when they're acknowledging you instead of leaving you to acknowledge yourself! Get yourself some allies in this if you can, and I think you will be more comfortable in that space. Whether you are able to shift the group towards more inclusive language going or not, it is absolutely okay to dress as feminine as you want, even in male-dominated spaces. Ma'am if you want to go to an engineering class in a ballgown, you can absolutely do that. If you want to wear exclusively colors folks tend to associate with women, you can do that too. Get your nails done, go crazy with your hair, put makeup on just for you - it's okay. Some people really find a lot of joy in presenting as femme as possible, and there is nothing whatsoever wrong with it. You are allowed to explore that identity and expression of that identity in the same way folks are allowed to explore genders they were not assigned at birth. Go nuts! Take no prisoners! You may get a little social pushback from male identified folks and if you do you can tell them (and remember for yourself) that you are just as capable and wonderful when you express yourself in an explicitly feminine way as you are when you choose to mute that expression. Same book; different dust jacket. There are folks who will understand this from the start and will not ask you to justify yourself, and those folks are your secret crime fighting team. Keep them close. Lastly, lemme say that only YOU can get to the bottom of where this repulsion about being perceived as andro or male is coming from. Some folks describe a similar kind of discomfort before working out that they aren't the gender they were assigned at birth, and some cis folks really find joy leaning into their gender identity to an extreme. Both of these things are okay! And it is also okay to go hard in one direction before discovering that actually you need to go the other way. Do what feels right for you right now, and don't let anyone push you around if you want to try something else later! You are a beautiful badass and you get to make decisions about how you want to show that to the world. Wishing you peace, joy, and close allies. There will always be rough patches and hard situations, difficult days and difficult people, but in the end you are going to be okay. Stay safe and stay brave out there <3

#Oreo Rambles #gender stuff #Ask Pile

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asafespotontheweb · 3 years

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this post is a repost from <imgaybitheway.tumblr.com>, mainly because that blog seems to have since disappeared. this is really only for my personal keeping, as a reminder to the self. many of the typing errors have been fixed.

post begins below:

A lot of bisexual history has been erased so I figured I’d remind you all of some quotes and clear up any misunderstandings about bisexuality.

Bisexuality has been described as attraction regardless of gender for decades.

“I am bisexual because I am drawn to people regardless of gender.” - ‘The Bisexual Community: Are We Visible Yet?’, 1987

“In the midst of whatever hardships we [bisexuals] had encountered, this day we worked with each other to preserve our gift of loving people for who they are regardless of gender.” - Elissa M., “Bi Conference,” Bi Women, 1985

“To be bisexual is to have the potential to be open emotionally and sexually to people as people, regardless of their gender.” - Office Pink Publishing, “Introduction,” Bisexual Lives, 1988

“Being bisexual does not mean they have sexual relations with both sexes but that they are capable of meaningful and intimate involvement with a person regardless of gender.” - Janet Bode, “The Pressure Cooker,” View From Another Closet, 1976

“Over the past fifteen years, however, [one Caucasian man] has realized that he is ‘attracted to people -- not their sexual identity’ and no longer cares whether his partners are male or female. He has kept his Bi identity and now uses it to refer to his attraction to people regardless of their gender.” - Paula C. Rust, “Sexual Identity and Bisexual Identities,” Queer Studies: A Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Anthology, 1998

“To be bisexual is to have the potential to be open emotionally and sexually to people as people, regardless of their gender.” - Sex and Sexuality: A Thematic Dictionary of Quotations, 1993

Bisexuality doesn’t have to mean a person “sees gender”.

“[S]ome bisexuals say they are blind to the gender of their potential lovers and that they love people as people... For the first group, a dichotomy of genders between which to choose doesn’t seem to exist.” - Kathleen Bennett, “Feminist Bisexuality, a Both/And Option for an Either/Or World,” Closer to Home: Bisexuality and Feminism, 1992

“Some bisexual respondents bypass the issue of ‘degrees’ of attraction to women and men by defining bisexuals as a humanistic, gender-blind way of relating to others. They see bisexuality as a way of loving the person, not their sex, or being nondiscriminatory in their attractions to others. For example, Ludwica wrote, ‘I feel as if I’m open to respond to the person, not just the gender.’ ” - “Bisexuality and the Challenge to Lesbian Politics: Sex, Loyalty, and Revolution” by Paula C Rust, 1995

“I believe that people fall in love with individuals, not with a sex... I believe most of us will end up acknowledging that we love certain people or, perhaps, certain kinds of people, and that gender need not be a significant category, though for some of us it may be.” - Ruth Hubbard, ‘There Is No ‘Natural’ Human Sexuality, Bi Women’ , 1986

“Some women who call themselves ‘bisexual’ insist that the gender of their lover is irrelevant to them, that they do not choose lovers on the basis of gender.” - Marilyn Murphy, “Thinking About Bisexuality,” Bi Women, 1991

“Some of us are bisexual because we do not pay much attention to the gender of our attractions.” - Bisexual Politics, Quiries and Visions, 1995

Bisexuality is inclusive of all genders.

“Who is this group for exactly? Anyone who identifies as bisexual or thinks they are attracted to or interested in all genders... This newly formed [support] group is to create a supportive, safe environment for people who are questioning their sexual orientation and think they may be bisexual.” - “Coming Out as Bisexual,” Bi Women, 1994

“It’s easier, I believe, for exclusive heterosexuals to tolerate (and that’s the word) exclusive homosexuals than [bisexuals] who, rejecting exclusivity, sleep with people not genders...” - Martin Duberman, 1974

“The bisexual community should be a place where lines are erased. Bisexuality dismisses, disproves, and defies dichotomies. It connotates a loss of rigidity and absolutes. It is an inclusive term.” - ‘Essay for the Inclusion of Transsexuals’, Kory Martin-Damon, 1995

“Bisexual - being emotionally and physically attracted to all genders.” - The Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network, “Out of the Past: Teacher’s Guide” 199?

“Bisexuality is much more than, and different from, the sensationalized ‘third choice, best of both worlds’ phenomena it’s made out to be. Bisexuality is an inclusive term that defines immense possibilities avalable to us, whether we act on them or not.” - “Bi Any Other Name”, Loraine Hutchens and Lani Ku'ahumany, 1991

“Bisexual consciousness, because of its amorphous quality and inclusive nature, posed a fundamental threat to the dualistic and exclusionary thought patterns which were -- and still are -- tenaciously held by both the gay liberation leadership and its enemies.” - “The Bisexual Movement’s Beginnings in the 70s”, Bisexual politics, Naomi Tucker, 1995

Bisexuality historically and currently includes transgender and nonbinary people.

“With respect to our integrity as bisexuals, it is our responsibility to include transgender people in our language, in our communities, in our politics, and in our lives.” - Bisexual Politics: Theories, Queries, and Visions by Naomi S Tucker, 1995

“Bisexuality is here defined as the capacity, regardless of the sexual identity label one chooses, to love and sexually desire both same -- and other -- gendered individuals. The term other-gendered is used here deliberately and is preferable to the term opposite -- gendered, because other -- gendered encompasses a recognition of the existence of transgendered and transsexual individuals, who may embrace gender identities other than [male and female.]” - “Bisexuality: The Psychology and Politics of an Invisible Minority” by Beth A. Firestein and Dallas Denny, 1996

“Bisexuality means having the capacity to be attracted to people of both major genders (don’t forget: there are gender minorities, too).” “As with the word Bisexual, they usually also imply that relations with gender minorities are possible.” - ‘Bisexuality: A Reader and a Sourcebook’, 1990

“There were a lot of transvestites and transsexuals who came to [the San Francisco Bisexual Center in the 1970s], because they were not going to be turned away because of the way they dressed.” - David Lourea in “Bisexual Histories in San Francisco in the 1970s and Early 1980s,” Dworkin, 2000 Journal of Bisexuality

“The actual lived non-binary history of the bisexual community and movement and the inclusive culture and community spirit of bisexuals are eradicated when a binary interpretation of our name for ourselves is arbitrarily assumed.” - “Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out” by Lani Ka’ahumanu, ????

“In the bisexual movement as a whole, transgendered individuals are celebrated not only as an aspect of the diversity of the bisexual community, but, because like bisexuals, they do not fit neatly into dichotomous categories.” - “Bisexuality and the Challenge to Lesbian Politics” by Paula C. Rust, 1995

#don't reblog #don't like #don't share

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plague-of-insomnia · 4 years

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Hi, would it be ok for me to ask how did you know you were non-binary? I'm questioning and would like to get some opinions, but no pressure to answer if this is too personal!!

So I got this ask months back, and with everything that has gone on with my health I wasn’t able to answer it... so I don’t know if the person who sent this will even see it, but since it’s pride month I figured it was a good time to get to the queer/questioning asks that have been languishing in my poor ask box/drafts...

First of all, I don’t mind questions like this; if I ever find an ask too personal I’ll usually just ignore it, but something like this I think is important especially since NB is such a... underrepresented concept, for lack of a better word, so sometimes that lack of exposure plus the very broad nature of the label can make the whole questioning process confusing and stressful.

Honestly, for a looong time I had no idea I wasn’t cis.

I didn’t know that you could be anything other than male and female; I grew up in pretty conservative Latin American immigrant family, Catholic, so the idea of homosexuality was bad enough, lol.

I was very involved in the (then called) “Gay/Straight” alliance back in high school, as we had quite a few gay and lesbian students and teachers. I had mostly queer friends, but even binary transgender people weren’t... as prominent back then. Ofc they existed, but I didn’t have as much exposure in HS, and I went to a catholic college where many gay students had to essentially be closeted—for example, (openly) gay men weren’t technically allowed in fraternities. I loved my school, but some of its views on women and LGBTQ+ people were pretty dark age stuff, so again I had no idea that gender was a broader spectrum than simply male/female, cis or trans.

As far back as at least around early puberty, I created a kind of alter ego. A character opposite my birth sex, who was unlike any other I ever created and who has stayed with me my whole life. They helped me survive my childhood/adolescence. They felt very much “me” and yet weren’t simply the person I was in actuality made into the opposite gender. More like the aspects of my self/identity I knew subconsciously.

Often, when I fantasized, I would put myself into their role. Imagine being the other gender, what their body would feel like, what sex would be like. I’d ask friends i was comfortable with about what it felt like to be the opposite gender. I felt I needed to know so that I could “feel” it too. So I could truly imagine being a gender other than my own, with different parts, different secondary sex characteristics.

Yet at the same time, I felt comfortable enough with my birth sex that I explained these moments away. I was just thinking like a writer. Curious, bc that’s my nature. I never thought I could be trans because despite the power of these feelings, the sometimes intense longing I felt to be other than I was, the thought of completely changing my body, abandoning my assigned gender, felt horrible. Like I would be losing part of myself.

I first heard the term nonbinary during Pride. I had never encountered this before, and being who I am immediately looked it up. I was floored. Gender was a spectrum? You could be both male and female??

I felt like I had been hit by lightning.

I immediately reflected on a lifetime of “queer” thoughts. About my alter ego and how I had clung so tightly to them, how often I fantasized about having parts I didn’t have (without necessarily wanting to take away parts that I already did). How I went through phases where I dressed very masculine in some points of my life and very feminine in others. How I related so strongly to certain characters over others, and other past experiences that I had always managed to discard or shelve away in “comfortable” boxes.

And I reflected on how I had always had this... shame about these thoughts and feelings, this fear that they made me a “freak,” which might be why I had always been so quick to file them away with safe labels.

Discovering that I wasn’t alone was liberating. I read about and spoke to people who identified as NB, and often found they had a similar thoughts and experiences growing up as I did, and that helped cement in my mind, without a doubt, that I was also nonbinary, that I wasn’t purely male or female, but both.

I’ve suffered with depression my entire life, and am likely bipolar (something my current therapist agrees with, though I haven’t been formally diagnosed for various reasons). And once I opened my eyes and began questioning, I discovered that a significant part of my depression was actually tied to my gender dysphoria.

Exploring my gender identity in various ways, and finally accepting that I am NB/gender fluid has made me much more content.

Now, ofc there is no one way to be non-binary. So just bc my experience doesn’t align with what you’re feeling, doesn’t mean you’re not NB yourself.

Some people don’t feel any gender at all, and wish they didn’t have any secondary sex characteristics. Some want to be purely androgynous. Some feel mostly one binary gender or another, but maybe not “fully” male or female. Some feel a mix of both, and some shift between two or more genders.

For me, I feel like I’m always partly male and partly female, though sometimes one is more dominant than the other. Sometimes I’ll have gender dysphoria so bad that looking at cis bodies can be very upsetting, or the feeling of “missing” parts I feel I have/should have is so intense it’s almost all I can think about. Yet other times I feel pretty “stable.” Sometimes I feel like I’m thinking a lot about my gender and my presentation and others I barley think about it at all, I just “am.”

I feel freer now that I have shifted names and pronouns. Like I’m finally accepting my full self.

A huge part of why I enjoy playing Animal Crossing so much is bc I can indulge my gender fluidity by playing with how I dress my character... it brings me a lot of peace I can’t always get IRL.

I hope whoever reads this finds this helpful, original anon or anyone who might be wondering if they may be NB or not.

Feel free to send other asks if you’d like, or if you know me you can DM me and we can talk privately. 💕

Happy Pride 🏳️‍🌈

#non binary #nonbinary #questioning #pride month #poi answers #anon #long post #tw freak

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all-things-lgbtqia · 4 years

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JK Rowling continues to spout TERF ideology, continues to say she’s not a TERF.

JK Rowling, best known as author of the world-renowned Harry Potter series and the decider of who is and isn’t gay, took to Twitter within the past 24 hours to make what I can only assume was supposed to be a joke in response to a Tweet about efforts to help create a more equal world “those who menstruate” in a post Covid-19 world, saying that “I’m sure there used to be a word for those people.”

When called out for her erasure of trans men, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming people - all people who can be assigned female at birth but do not identify as women - Rowling went on the defensive, criticizing the idea that “sex isn’t real”.

Here’s the thing, Rowling: sex is real. Trans people know this. That’s kind of what makes most of us trans. Their biological sex, which is a real and tangible thing, does not match the identity they see for themselves, which is also real although it can be a lot harder for us outsiders to see. This is why many trans people opt for modified clothing (such as binders and gaffs), hormones and surgeries to make the exterior body match the internal sense of gender. Granted, many trans people will not do this, and they are not obligated to do so, but the vast majority of us will opt for such measures, not just to make ourselves more comfortable in our skins, but also so people like you don’t keep misgendering us and then pretend to be the victim when we call you out on it (which you’re doing right now). Absolutely no one is arguing that biological sex isn’t real.

She then goes on to say that saying women like her, “who’ve been empathetic to trans people for decades”, hate trans people “because they think sex is real and has lived consequences - is a nonsense”.

Like I said Rowling, sex is real and absolutely no one is saying otherwise. You’re the one who keeps saying it. You said it during the Maya Forstater debacle and you’re saying it now. “Woman” is not a term that refers to someone who is biologically female. An overwhelming amount of the time it does, but not always. “Female” and “female-bodied” are somewhat controversial terms when it comes to afab transgender people, but they always refer to someone who is biologically female. “Afab” is an acronym for “assigned female at birth”, which can even refer to cis women. So as you can see, there are better terms to refer to someone with female reproductive organs than “women”. And believe it or not, a lot of those “lived consequences” are often the same for a lot of afab people. Not everyone has the privilege to transition at 6-years-old, before the horrors of the real world affect most of us. Many afab trans men (I would like to quickly acknowledge that some trans men may be biologically intersex), non-binary and gender-nonconforming people will have lived as females or a somewhat “female experience” up until they come out of the closet and begin their transition, if they do so at all. Pre-transition afab people are still subjected to the same amount of sexism, misogyny, sexual harassment and general dangers that come with being a woman because even though they are not women, society sees them as women. And yes, these people will even menstruate, because they have a female reproductive system (although it is worth noting that some people born with these parts may not menstruate at all, because biology is weird and sometimes things don’t function the way they’re supposed to). And on top of all that, trans women will also face the same hazards during and after the main stages of their transitions. In fact, statistically speaking, transgender women are even more likely to experience male violence than cis women, so let’s not pretend they aren’t involved in this whole conversation at all.

And just a quick sidebar, like I said, some people with female reproductive parts don’t menstruate because their body just never kicks that system into gear. If a cis woman never menstruates because she’s one of those people, is she no longer a woman, J?

I would also like to take the time to comment on how she pretends trans people don’t exist when she wants the spotlight and only references them when she gets called out for it. This is a lot like the, “I can’t be racist, I have black friends” “argument”. We’re not tools that you can use and then put back in the closet when you’re done (only we can decide if it’s time to go back in the closet, and I would rather not do that again, thank you very much). We’re not accessories you can flaunt to show how accepting you are. We exist even when you’re not making exclusionary remarks and pretending that the issue at hand is exclusive to cis females only.

She goes on to claim she would support trans people if we are discriminated against. I don’t have a Twitter account so I can see only very limited Tweets online, but so far I haven’t seen her comment on the proposed UK bathroom bill that would force trans people to use the bathrooms that correspond with the sex marker on their birth certificates. If she has commented, let me know and I will update this section of this post appropriately.

She tries to justify herself by saying she is well-read in scientific journals and transgender experiences, so she knows the distinction between sex and gender. But if this was the case, she wouldn’t still be using “woman” to refer strictly to cis women, and she certainly wouldn’t be using it to describe all people who menstruate.

She says, “Never assume that because someone thinks differently, they have no knowledge.” And she would make a good point, if saying that only women menstruate and implying that if you menstruate you are a woman, plain and simple, wasn’t TERF rhetoric. Listen, you can know all about a subject as complicated and relatively new as gender identity, but knowledge and acceptance are two different things. Just because you major in Africana Studies and can name just about every major figure in black history doesn’t make you less racist when you clutch your purse tighter when you see a black man jogging down the street. Having a degree in Women’s Studies doesn’t make you any less sexist when you tell a woman to make you a sandwich because you disagree with her opinion. And reading scientific papers about transgender people and what it all means doesn’t make you less transphobic when you make sweeping claims that only women menstruate, and that transgender people don’t understand the struggles of being a woman.

In what is her most damning move so far, Rowling then Tweets out, “‘Feminazi’, ‘TERF’, ‘bitch’, ‘witch’. Times change. Woman-hate is eternal.” One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong...

I get it, there are plenty of terms and phrases used with the intent of shutting up women you don’t agree with. TERF is not one of those terms. TERF is in the same category as racist, misogynist, neo-nazi, etc. NOT the same category as women-silencing words like ‘bitch’ or ‘feminazi’. A TERF is a trans-exclusionary radical feminist, someone who discredits the existence and experiences of transgender people (primarily trans women) because they feel like it (the transgender experience) doesn’t belong in discussions of women’s rights, or even that it threatens their identity as women. Sounds kinda familiar, doesn’t it? Calling someone a TERF is not a silencing behavior, and you’d figure a feminist would understand this. Calling someone a TERF is calling them out for behavior, while also letting the transgender community know that this is not a safe person to be around. If anything it’s a warning label.

And look, don’t take this all to mean I hate women. I don’t. I only hate it when we pretend that an issue such as menstruation is exclusive to cis women. It isn’t. Women’s issues typically aren’t restricted to cis women. Trans women will experience violence and hate, usually at a disproportionately high rate when compared to their cisgender sisters. Trans men will often experience discrimination pre-transition, and maybe even post-transition from people who still see them as women. Not only that, but trans men typically experience the issues that come along with being biologically female (again, those that are afab). Most transgender men will menstruate and experience all the absolutely wonderful symptoms that come along with it. Some transgender men even get pregnant and have babies. No one is arguing that women have it easy. Transgender people - regardless of if they’re trans women, trans men, non-binary, agender, gender fluid, or gender-nonconforming - don’t want to erase women’s experiences throughout the years. We just want to live our lives in peace like everybody else. I just wish Rowling would stop pretending otherwise.

Is JK Rowling a terrible person? I don’t think I can go that far. She has made some serious contributions towards the acceptance of LGB (although notably not T) themes in children’s media, supports the Black Lives Matter movements, and even showcases fan art from very young fans on her Twitter. Although, she did share an article talking about the lesbian experience with discrimination and erasure, which is very important (hell, I admittedly don’t come across a lot of lesbian content on my Tumblr feed so I don’t get a chance to reblog a whole lot of it), but it also says that “ask my pronouns” is decidedly anti-lesbian, and paints the entire LGBTQIA+ community (referred to as “LGBTQ” with the quotes) as greedy, money-hungry, well-supported, and even predatory against children. Is this just a subject I’m not all that knowledgeable in? Perhaps, but I have a really hard time taking your arguments seriously LGBTQIA+ community is decidedly predatory against children, but I digress. I will say, however, that I am just disappointed. I’m disappointed someone who has been all about standing up to bullies and fighting against oppression has been using her platform to side with bullies and take part in said oppression. I’m disappointed she lumps “TERF” in with “Feminazi” and other terms designed to discredit women with opinions. And above all, I’m disappointed that she claims to offer us support when her actions support just the opposite. But, after all we’ve seen over the years, I can’t say I’m surprised.

#JK Rowling #rant #transphobic #terf #menstruation #terf ideology #transphobia

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