I was told to write a letter to myself and now the confusion fell upon me as to whether I should be addressing my past self or the future one. I settled with the present. I've done this way too many times that I'm almost out of words, whether to comfort or confront my past, whether to hype or hope my future. Hence, I settled for the present.
It's 2:06 a.m currently.
She's in regret, in confusion, in a loop of depression. Nothing new and way too numb. Tears flowed past her temples and reached her hair dampening it and then made their way to the pillow to sink in, soak it with her hazy thoughts and painful whimpers. I wonder if she'll ever have the happy ending that she so desperately hung on to in every book she read through for the past 4 years. Every book held a grief, so heavy that she could forget the angst she's filled her life with. But each story found it's happy together, every book and every word found its direction to peace. She made sure of it. It's a coping mechanism.
The true tale has always come in the form of regret, guilt and insecurity. A numbness of sorts, that waddled its way to tear apart her possible pages of happy togethers. A fear of sorts, that took the form of noises her house rang whenever she willed the courage to smile. A curse of sorts, that trajected into the family she's born into.
Alas, the tragedy doesn't seem to be enough even when I ordered my eyes from pouring them out. Well, that's all I'm filled with. Even in the present. I haven't overcome any trauma, neither the fear of Insects nor the voice of my father. I still flinch to the littlest of sounds. I still shake when my phone rings. I still swallow whenever a glance lingers too long. I still cry whenever the stars come up.
I'm unaware as to how to make it through today or how to live to be 'succesful'. Somewhere along the shivers my limbs danced to, the meaning of success turned a page I never knew was there. It stopped being able to earn a truck and lavish through a penthouse overlooking the city while the red wine painted the lips. Rather it reformed into escaping the sudden drops of heart and an unpleasant stir in the stomach, maybe a step of confidence in my wobbly legs and a firm grip of handle by my cold hands; a cozy room with a plant friend on the window.
Strange how the child in her with big dreams has grown up to be an adult with small wishes...
Tonight, I told her, comforted her,held her and embraced her. Her, with small wishes and big miseries. Her, with heavy eyes and light hopes. Her, with emotions and numbness. I told her, she doesn't need to listen, shouldn't feel the need to feel; Listen to the noises that shake her heart and feel emotions she doesn't actually feel. Because it's okay. Okay not to be empathetic, not being expressive but being scared and not forgiving.
And as I accept the 'her' is me as much as I'm her. And as I address this letter to you, myself, I only wish this one for you (for now).
I just want you to make it to tomorrow with a smile until the tomorrow comes to your today. And I want you to remember it's not your choice, it's never yours to meet the tomorrow. It'll always be 'it', to reach you and when it does, I'm sure, it'll come with peace and a small smile and let you know, you have had the best experience.
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Why did Jesus need to be presented as the "Son of God?"
This was a hot topic during the Council of Nicaea.
This is a Pegan concept and goes back to Zeus, Hercules, and the preceding history of demigods or godmen on earth.
This is not part of the Jewish reinterpretation of God.
Abraham's god is largely an external concept, He can be invoked but never completely embodied as Pharaoh does.
This is why these 2 faiths were never going to peacefully unite and should have been allowed to exist as divided understandings of the same concept, but Christians needed the Jewish faith to function.
Muhammad was a man that fought, not only to unite his people but, correct that issue and balance his faith with the Christian and Semite.
However, again Christ's godhood was a major point of contention.
The Christian church had built an identity from Christ's divinity.
The fact that Islam denied Christ's divinity forced a choice on the Christian church.
They could reform and change their stance on what Christ was to fall in line with Judaism and Islam and potentially unite the faiths over time, or not, and kill on that hill.
Our modern-day social dynamic is largely a spiritual consequence of that choice, consciously made or not.
It is why, even today, the other side won't back down on their position no matter how destructive it is, the sins of the father.
Also, Buddha similarly represents balance by reinterpreting the pagan understanding of the internal or the god within for the new age, a counterweight to the unbalanced heavenly father understanding.