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pesterloglog · 2 months

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Karkat Vantas, Dave Strider, Jade Harley, John Egbert, Jane Crocker, Jake English, Gamzee Makara, Roxy Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, Rose Lalonde

Candy, page 20

KARKAT: WOW, SURE FEELS WEIRD TO JUST BE HANGING OUT WITH ALL THESE ASSHOLES WE WERE TOTALLY GOSSIPING ABOUT JUST TWENTY MINUTES AGO.

DAVE: i always knew our gossip sins would catch up with us eventually

JADE: SHH both of you!!!

JOHN: uh, hey. how are you guys doing?

DAVE: oh you know just enjoying a nice night out with our girlfriend when another teen version of our girlfriend plummeted out of the sky and bled all over our picnic pizza

JOHN: picnic pizza?

DAVE: yeah its like normal pizza except that you eat it while sitting on a tablecloth in the fucking grass

JOHN: oh cool. i’d never thought about doing that.

JOHN: i just bring sandwiches to my picnics like a dumbass.

JOHN: then again, the last time i went to a picnic, i ate...

JOHN: actually, never mind what i ate. but it sure wasn’t pizza.

DAVE: your loss bro its the only way to picnic out

KARKAT: STOP TALKING ABOUT PICNIC PIZZA YOU ASSHOLES.

KARKAT: THIS IS IN SUCH POOR TASTE.

DAVE: yeah hes right

DAVE: anyway like i was saying we were in picnic pizza heaven when fucking space tier jade from like

DAVE: i guess seven or eight years ago?

DAVE: basically face planted in a field next to our romantic tripledate

JOHN: damn.

KARKAT: YEAH, IT WAS PRETTY BAD TIMING.

DAVE: or extremely good timing

DAVE: i dont know yet

DAVE: the conversation was veering kinda

DAVE: you know

KARKAT: UGH

KARKAT: WE WERE IN THE “RELATIONSHIP REALTALK” ZONE.

KARKAT: ANYWAY, CAN WE STOP DWELLING ON THIS SHIT AND JUST GO UPSTAIRS?

JANE: Jake!

JANE: Would you take Tavros out of here? Please?

JAKE: Well golly jane i just thought it would be invigorating for the boy to interact with someone else his age for once.

JANE: Well, he doesn’t need to do it in here. Especially not when I’m trying to work!

GAMZEE: HeY nOw ElIxIrTiTs, YoU oUgHt To ChIlL.

GAMZEE: YeLlInG aT yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg MaTeSpRiT iS...

GAMZEE: bAd FoR tHe BlOoD pReSsUrE, bAbE.

JANE: Oh, I’m sorry. Is a clown speaking right now?

JANE: It’s the darndest thing. I could have sworn I just heard a nearby, offensively odiferous clown offering some advice when no one asked for his opinion.

ROXY: woah janey u doin ok

JANE: I... I don’t know.

JANE: I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately, trying to run my business, raise a child, and manage the political situation indirectly through various corporate machinations...

JANE: Jake! Why are the children still in here?!

JANE: Take them to the playroom. Now!

JAKE: Aye aye maam!

JANE: I don’t know why, but I’m having an extremely difficult time reviving her.

JANE: Where did she even come from?

JADE: we have no idea

JADE: its like the sky just opened up!

KANAYA: Well Obviously She Is From Another Timeline

KANAYA: Darling Can You Perhaps Shed Some Light On This

ROSE: I...

ROSE: I haven’t the faintest clue.

ROSE: It could be anything.

JANE: Well, something is blocking my Life powers.

JANE: It’s as if she has... a sort of poison in her. Not a literal poison, mind you.

JANE: If it were as simple a matter as there being something in her bloodstream, I could revive her lickety-split.

JANE: It’s deeper than that.

JANE: It’s like... a poison eating away at the very core of her being.

JANE: It’s attacking her on... perhaps this sounds crazy, but...

JANE: A metaphysical level??

JADE: huh?

JANE: What’s so odd is that not only can I not bring her back to life, she also, somehow, doesn’t feel entirely dead.

JADE: oh

JADE: i wonder if that has something to do with me?

JADE: like, being here???

JANE: How so?

JADE: well... all of our selves across infinite timelines are actually just one self right?

JADE: like... one ultimate self distributed across multiple bodies

JADE: so in multiple places and states at once

JADE: every jade that exists is like a light being shined through a thousand cracks in the timeline

JADE: but if were outside the place where that light is being split from...

JADE: maybe only one of us can exist

JADE: and thats why shes stuck in this horrible state :(

ROXY: i thiiiink that janey was just bein melodramatic jade

ROXY: its not ur fault

JADE: what should we do with her?

ROXY: well

ROXY: hate to be the one who says what were all thinkin but...

ROXY: sounds like its time for another funeral lmao

JOHN: lmao??

JOHN: roxy, jade is dead, and you’re probably going to give birth within the week!

ROXY: yeah so we gotta start planning this one right now

JADE: ???

ROXY: cmon guys

ROXY: how longs it been since we were all together like this?

KARKAT: I’M SORRY, WAS THAT A RHETORICAL FUCKING QUESTION OR WERE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE WITH IT?

ROXY: it was not rhetorical at all

ROXY: the last time we were all together was

ROXY: dirks funeral!

JANE: Roxy, at the time, we were mourning the death of a dear friend...

ROXY: i know right

ROXY: nothin like the death of someone we love to bring us all together again

ROXY: weve all been so busy with being pregnant and birthin a thousand trolls and the political situation that regulates the troll birthin...

ROXY: we dont even have time to catch up anymore :(

JANE: Um. Roxy...

KANAYA: Perhaps We Should Not Talk About That Particular Subject

KANAYA: If Your Concern Here Is That We All Continue To Be In The Same Room Its Probably Best We Avoid Bringing Attention To The Reasons That It So Rarely Happens

ROXY: aw cmon politics should never get between friends

KARKAT: UH, EASY FOR YOU TO FUCKING SAY.

JADE: karkat... lets not ok?

JADE: i mean, not now?

KARKAT: LET’S NOT WHAT?

KARKAT: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT THE GIANT FUCKING TRUMPET BEAST IN THE ROOM?

KARKAT: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT HOW KANAYA, TEREZI AND I WORKED JUST AS HARD TO CREATE THIS WORLD AS ANY OF YOU, BUT OUR PEOPLE DON’T EVEN GET A SAY IN HOW THEY GOVERN THEMSELVES?

KARKAT: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT HOW THE CRIMES OF ALTERNIA ARE HELD UP TO UNFAIR SCRUTINY ANY TIME A TROLL WANTS TO FUCKING DO OR SAY SOMETHING ON THE NEWS, BUT WE’RE NOT ALLOWED TO GENERALIZE HUMANS BASED ON THE WORST THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR HISTORY?

KARKAT: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT HOW ALTERNIA WAS BASICALLY THE SACRIFICIAL FUCKING MILKBEAST UPON THE ALTAR THAT THIS UNIVERSE WAS BUILT ON, BUT YOU ALL ACT LIKE WE’RE SO LUCKY YOU DEIGNED TO ALLOW US TO EXIST ALONGSIDE YOU INSTEAD OF JUST LETTING US FUCKING DIE OUT THE WAY IT WAS INTENDED?

ROXY: um excuse you karkat but no one acts like that

KARKAT: OH? NO ONE???

KARKAT: I LISTEN TO THE FUCKING NEWS, YOU KNOW. I’VE HEARD ALL THE ARGUMENTS, THE ONES BASED ON THE POLICY ADVICE YOUR CORPORATE THINK TANK FEEDS THE PRESIDENT.

KARKAT: DO YOU THINK THAT IT’S BEING BROADCAST AT A FREQUENCY ONLY HUMANS CAN HEAR OR SOMETHING? DO YOU THINK WE’RE THAT STUPID?

KARKAT: EVEN I CAN TELL THAT THE ATMOSPHERE IN THE TROLL KINGDOM IS CHANGING, AND I HAVE NEVER ONCE WILLINGLY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH MY NEIGHBORS. EVERYONE’S STARTING TO GET SCARED.

KARKAT: MORE THAN THAT, THEY’RE STARTING TO GET PISSED.

JANE: Is this meant to be a threat of future violence, Mr. Vantas?

JANE: I’m not sure menacing me is making the most compelling case for your political claims.

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.

KARKAT: ARE YOU ALL FUCKING HEARING THIS?

JANE: Yes, Karkat, we are all most definitely hearing this. It’s somewhat unavoidable with you shouting it all at the top of your lungs.

KARKAT: SORRY, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE KIND OF DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO HEAR ME, WHAT WITH YOUR HEAD SHOVED ALL THE WAY UP YOUR *BIG*, **FAT**, ***ASS***!!!

ROXY: woah damn

GAMZEE: hEy BrOtHeR cHiLl OuT

KARKAT: FUCK OFF GAMZEE.

GAMZEE: wOaH wOaH, kArKaT mY DUDE wHy ArE yOu AlL lAsHiNg OuT aNd ShIt?

GAMZEE: i ThOuGhT wE wErE mOtHeRfUcKiNg GoOd.

KARKAT: NO, WE ARE NOT “MOTHERFUCKING GOOD.”

KARKAT: WE WILL NEVER BE “MOTHERFUCKING GOOD.”

GAMZEE: yO c’MoN mAn I mOtHeRfUcKiNg ApOlOgIzEd AbOuT gOiNg AlL oVeRbOaRd WiTh ThE mAlIcE aNd MuRdEr AnD sHiT.

GAMZEE: a MoThErFuCkEr ReDeEmEd HiS mOtHeRfUcKiN sElF!

GAMZEE: Y’aLl CaN’t GeT sAlTy WiTh YoUr HoMiE nO mOrE. tHaT bE aLl ThE rUlE oF rEdEmPtIoN, mY bRoThErLy BiTcH.

KARKAT: I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY THE “RULES” ARE, DUDE.

KARKAT: I DON’T CARE IF YOU PROSTRATE YOURSELF AT MY FEET AND LICK THE FUCKING DIRT OUT FROM UNDER MY TOENAILS.

KARKAT: DON’T FUCKING TRY TO DO THAT BY THE WAY. I’M OBVIOUSLY BEING FACETIOUS. IF YOU ACTUALLY TRIED TO TOUCH MY FEET WITH YOUR DISGUSTING, ROTTEN SMELLING TONGUE I WOULD PROBABLY BE FORCED TO REACH DOWN MY THROAT AND PULL OUT MY OWN PUMP BISCUIT.

KARKAT: THAT WAS ALSO ME BEING FACETIOUS. MY POINT IS, DON’T TOUCH ME, DON’T SMILE AT ME, DON’T WINK AT ME, DON’T HONK AT ME, DON’T DO *ANYTHING* IN MY DIRECTION, GOT THAT?!

KARKAT: WE ARE *****NOTHING***** TO EACH OTHER, DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME, “““““BROTHER”””””?????

GAMZEE: kArKaT... yO tHeRe’S gOtTa Be SoMeThInG i CaN dO.

KARKAT: NO.

KARKAT: NEVER IN THE WILDEST DREAMS OF YOUR SOPOR SOAKED PEABRAIN WILL WE BE “MOTHERFUCKING GOOD,” GAMZEE.

KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU’RE SLEEPING WITH THE GODDAMN ENEMY.

KARKAT: BECAUSE I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.

KARKAT: AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOU EVEN DID WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE!

ROXY: woah ok karkat i get ur all fired up about politics and stuff but lay off gamz ok

JANE: Yes, can’t you see that he’s sincerely trying to have a redemption arc?

ROXY: i get if u dont wanna forgive him that totes your business

ROXY: but you gotta at least admit that hes makin an effort here

GAMZEE: hOnK.

KARKAT: THAT’S!!!

KARKAT: IT!!!!!!

KARKAT: FUCK YOU, AND YOU, AND ESPECIALLY YOU.

KARKAT: IN FACT, FUCK ALL OF YOU. I’M LEAVING!

DAVE: dude

KARKAT: WHAT PART OF “ALL OF YOU” DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, STRIDER?

KARKAT: ARE YOU AS DEAF AS YOU ARE STUPID?

KARKAT: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

JADE: dave what the FUCK did you say to him downstairs?

DAVE: uh

DAVE: nothing?

DAVE: tbh i think hes been holding all that in for a while

JAKE: By jove chaps what was all that commotion?

JANE: It was nothing, Jake. Go back to the playroom.

ROXY: no wait

ROXY: jake were havin another funeral

ROXY: we dont got much time so im appointing you officially third in charge of the planning committee

ROXY: after me and callie obvs

JOHN: oh my god, roxy, are you really serious about this funeral idea?

ROXY: yeah why wouldnt i be?

JOHN: christ.

JOHN: i’m all for like, honoring the memory of this departed version of teen jade we barely know, but...

JOHN: you’re SO pregnant!

ROXY: yea im pregnant as shit but i dont see anybody else steppin up to the plate

ROSE: Roxy, I understand the sentiment, but are you really sure it’s...

ROSE: Appropriate?

ROXY: yup

ROXY: its even more appropriate now

ROXY: after all the bullshit thats happened we need a good bash for the sake of team unity

KANAYA: I Admit To Still Being Ignorant Regarding Many Aspects Of Human Culture

KANAYA: But A Funeral Is Not What I Would Call

KANAYA: “A Bash”

ROXY: lmao thats cuz youve got no imagination kanaya

ROXY: well make sure its lit AF right jake

JAKE: Golly i do love me a good soiree no matter the circumstance.

JAKE: Id be chuffed to the nines to be your third man on this one rox.

ROXY: then its official

ROXY: this time next week well corpse party like its the end of the world!

ROXY: er

ROXY: again!!

JOHN: ...

ROSE: ...

DAVE: ...

KANAYA: ...

JANE: How is it that no matter how hard I try to keep the foolishness in my life confined exclusively to my romantic partners...

JANE: I invariably find myself surrounded by clowns regardless?

GAMZEE: hOnK.

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #karkat vantas #dave strider #jade harley #john egbert #jane crocker #jake english #gamzee makara #roxy lalonde #kanaya maryam #rose lalonde #candy epilogue #page 20

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