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#pHYSICALLY CANNOT PROCESS THEM
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Noise cancelling headphones literally the best purchase I ever made
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tskva-happens · 7 months
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seems like so far the #1 enemy of the bg3 modding community has been... *checks note* age. just like... any signs of age whatsoever.
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irregularbillcipher · 28 days
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false awakenings are the absolute worst. a few days ago i had a false awakening that went like, seven awakenings deep and i was paranoid for half the day that i still wasn't actually awake
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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thethingything · 22 days
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we have a dentist appointment tomorrow and on the plus side we're not really anxious about the appointment itself because the dentist was so nice last time and actually took our medical trauma into account.
unfortunately though we do have to have anaesthetic which makes us feel like shit for at least the rest of the day, and no matter how considerate the dentist is, having a medical professional touch us at all does still trigger certain trauma and then I end up having a bunch of panic attacks at some point within the next few days and it's a really shit time. I really don't wanna have to deal with that and the concept of it is making me nauseous
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#<- kinda#medical trauma#(this turned into a long rant about medical trauma and consent so here's your warning for that if you read the tags)#I didn't like medical professionals touching me anyway but ever since the stuff last April when we went to the hospital#it's been a way bigger issue and I end up being an absolute wreck for a while because of it#I cannot begin to express how much I do not want a medical professional touching me at all but especially not in my mouth#and any other situation where someone shoves their fingers in your mouth when you don't want them to would be considered really violating#but because it's for medical reasons and we have to put up with it if we actually want treatment nobody around us seems to see it like that#same goes for various other medical procedures where it's like if a stranger touched me like that when I really didn't want them to#in any other situation that would be assault but because it's a medical setting I'm expected to just be okay with it???#idk I probably haven't explained any of this right but I just don't like that people treat medical stuff as a special scenario#that's exempt from causing the same distress as any other scenario where someone touches you when you don't want them to#even though our brain is processing them the same way and we can't magically make that not happen#I know technically with medical procedures you (usually?) consent#but it's like... the choice is either consent to it or have your health keep getting worse#and once again in any other situation if your choices were to either consent or experience physical harm#that wouldn't really be considered consent and would be really distressing#I'm literally only consenting out of fear of what happens if I don't which... technically isn't consent but what choice do I have#idk this stuff is probably an issue specifically because of our trauma#but even still I would like to be taken seriously when I say I feel violated after medical procedures
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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months
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#let me express to u perhaps The frustration of my life#i like to learn. it is perhaps my favorite thing. new information. more more more constantly#but. my fucking brain is the fucking worst. because im not fucking stupid if i can focus and process the words being said i can understand#many things. i like to learn about math and physics and chemistry and biology and anatomy... ect concepts#but the focus and the processing of words is where we have problems. because i cannot focus for more than like 5min#i blink and suddenly ive been spaced out for a sec and need to reorient. i cant prioritize what to do 1st and im constantly bouncing betwee#tasks so nothing ever gets done and im too intimidated to start learning things. and when im trying to learn we habe the processing words#problem. like my reading comprehension is so fucking bad. like i will read a book on paper and maybe retain 25% of the info if im not#hardcore trying. for a class where i had to do a ton of paper reading. i had to read everything out loud to myself. highlight important#info. write myself a summary based on the highlights and then read the paper again before i could even begin to feel comfortable in#discussions. it was so fucking frustrating and miserable. ppl will give me physical books and im like thanks i cant fucking read sorry#too fucking dyslexic. read and listen they say. u have to read and listen at the same time bc i cant pay attention and i cant read#so if i do both then maybe the info gets in. thats y i have to read aloud but i hate it and still get distracted#i mean. i probably just have an attention problem. its also really annoying that my short term working memory is so awful#bc in order to make things make sense i have to draw or write them out. i cant judt go off the top of my head or i get stuck saying thr sam#thing over and over and over. its like my ability to think is extremely shallow. but thrn i read papers and recognize concepts from classes#i took years ago and im like. fucking y cant i know what i know? my head feels so empty but info is in there somewhere#its just so fucking frustrating that i love understanding systems so much. complex annoying little systems that fit together like a puzzle#and my fucking brain refuses to accept the information im trying to get in there. so i return to a remark left on my dyslexia assignment:#intelligent when not constrained by language or time. thanks. unfortunately language is how ppl communicate#also i freak out under time pressure lol. anyway ive just been reading papers for fun this weekend and remembering y i dont: bc its agony#but also i fucking love the concepts so much and i need a good understanding of photosynthesis before August when i join a photosynthesis#lab lmao. ugh. i love learning but my brain was not buildmt#built for it. if only if only someone could podcast about the obscure things im interested in while reading directly from the source#unrelated#also its like 105 degrees plus. its too fucking hot out#thats like 40 degrees C. the sun is like a death ray
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dogin8 · 2 months
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femmesandhoney · 10 months
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i do a lot of conscious healing but i for the life of me cannot do inner child healing consciously. i do most of it while sleeping and process it through my dreams. that just will always be the area of healing that hurts my heart the most to confront consciously and i can't even begin those steps so the universe has me work through it little by little in a safe dream space until i'm ready but man i woke up today from one of those dreams today and while i'm in a good mood, i have such a heavy weight in my heart space that is really hurting today when i recall the dream.
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currently writing a sskk fic and crying because i be writing these long-ass eloquent poetic paragraphs of dialogue when actual atsushi and akutagawa speak only in screams of each other's names (not even THAT, in aku's case)
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lesbianlenas · 4 months
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to be real & honest studying for my contracts final i have never felt stupider in my life 😳
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irisbaggins · 1 month
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Trying to trouble-shoot a customer over a phone is always an exercise in "stick to Norwegian you gremlin" for me. I so badly want to use English lingo for things, but my poor customers barely understand what I'm saying in Norwegian, let alone English! The amount of times I end up apologising because my explanations are shit are numerous, and most of the time my customers are really nice about it.
Although, I do loathe having to trouble-shoot networking over the phone. It's a pain in the ass, and it's difficult to find the problem when there are so many moving parts to a network.
At least the customer and I can joke around a little and make the process more pleasant for the both of us. Especially when the problem may have been a wonky cable, and not something much more expensive that must be replaced.
#text_loke#he was really nice to me. we were talking SO LONG and i had to use hand signals to my coworker so he could take the physical customers#because i was on the phone. and for some reasons customers see me standing there with a headset on and assume i am therefore free#no!! i am on the phone!! i cannot talk to you ma'am please stop attempting to converse with me!!#some are nice about it. others get bitchy. like SORRY i have one ear on the phone i CANNOT listen to two people at once!!#anyway. hope it was the cable that was fucked! we would of course fix whatever issue it was if it ISN'T#but it's soooo much easier for him for it to be just the cable he made himself. 'cos fuck homemade cat6 cables#(which i say as someone who has made SEVERAL and hates the process furiously)#also. shoutout to the customer who gave me 10/10 and said we were COOL PEOPLE in all caps :)#made my day that. like thank you!! i do my best to give the best customer service!!#and i only had ONE person call me today to be a glorified website :) usually it's at least three people :)#like we have a click and collect for a reason. i am NOT that. i can trouble shoot and help fix. i am not a website#also. why am i cursed. why am i cursed to be swarmed by people when i'm alone??#at least at my current workplace i am not harassed for being on my own. people are actually nice#they don't go ballistic on me when it takes me a but to get to them due to the tasks i am made to do#i don't get yelled at every shift. which is lovely :)#anyway. time for sleeps because i must write 3k tomorrow for my exam. rip
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“I’m sorry-” “…..it’s 3am?????”
Aka they’ve had an argument and Shinya walks all the way to Tsunagu’s house in the rain at 3am in his pyjamas to apologise……
….Definitely not an excuse for me to draw them in funky lil matching pyjamas- (ft. Tsunagu’s bed hair- he doesn’t like to be woken up)
Lil bonus:
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Tsunagu now has a sick ninja bf to take care of—
@suoperbvorb @genderfluidagendergremlin <33
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bigfishthemusical · 8 months
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just saw a guy saying that you should always stretch your own canvases because the ones from the store suck and then he proceeded to stretch his own canvas the worst I’ve ever seen in my life.
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radioactiveryan · 11 months
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i wish id climbed more trees. wish id gone on more hikes. wish id climbed the stupid rock walls on that trip with my friends. wish id dragged myself back onto the ice rink after the panic attack. wish id lived a little more, a little better, when i was able to do it. i wish i hadn't taken it all for granted
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starbuck · 2 years
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Would like to formally recommend that everyone, regardless of gender, try out men’s underwear, because it’s INSANE how much more comfortable they are!!!!!!!
#i don’t even mean boxers - i mean briefs#i didn’t think they’d be that different from women’s briefs but it’s like night and day#why am i having the realization now at age 22 that they make underwear that isn’t constantly trying to stuff itself up your junk??????????#why have i been suffering my whole life???????????#same thought process about bras#i had no idea how much pain i’d been in for so many years until i stopped wearing them and the pain vanished completely#ik some people with really big chests need them for support but at the very least avoid underwire bras if you can#fucking torture devices#ANYWAYS - cannot WAIT to get top surgery!!!!!!!!!!#no idea when it’s happening but i wore a binder today for the first time in forever and it was HEAVEN#i mean. the binder was intensely uncomfortable which is why i don’t wear it ever#but not having to constantly be focused on managing the appearance of loose breasts was LOVELY#being effortlessly flat-chested! imagine it!#someday i’ll just wake up like that! crazy stuff!!!!!!!!#i’d like to have it done in the next couple years but every time i mention it my mom looks at me with fear in her eyes#despite her being generally supportive about trans stuff#she’s cool with my gender in theory but physical change scares her#so we’re gonna need to get past that first#but Someday!!!!!!!!!!!#and in the meantime i will enjoy not constantly being groped by my own underwear… again - WHAT A CONCEPT!!!!!!!!#the things you can accept as normal istg…
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septembersghost · 1 year
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fwiw I would read your essay on the Memphis album ☺
😭 thank you honey, it's worth a lot
#i probably won't ever share it because it feels silly and emotional and nobody needs to see that#idk if it's an essay as much as it is a collection of thoughts about#the themes of the songs and the way it's structured and contrasts with the sonic styles and so on because it's got a lot of layers#opening with: i had to leave town for a little while...#the specific way he transforms only the strong survive#long black limousine being the first track recorded which. i.#such a powerhouse of a song but i cannot HEAR#there's a long line of mourners coming down our street; their fancy cars are such a sight to see#they're all of your rich friends that knew you in the city and now they finally brought you home to me#without crying#and conjuring up specific images of a procession of cars#it just makes my heart hurt so much. but still i listen#i'll never love another! oh my heart all my dreams ride with you in that long black limousine#that record is everything i love it so immensely#i'm giving him a grammy for aoty retroactively btw#again. i need a tag for these posts so you all don't have to be subject to them. the el files.#the fact that true love travels on a gravel road and any day now and gentle on my mind#and in the ghetto and power of my love and i'm movin' on and----all of them exist on the same record#(and TECHNICALLY suspicious minds and kentucky rain. insane)#the tracklist on the physical and on streaming are different but it's mind-blowing what came out of those sessions#revelatory and beautiful and sometimes so sad it's eerie#see? writing this out coherently would be too much probably#anonymous#letterbox
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