For @inuvember, free day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Quickly made a gif to accompany this oneshot. This is totally innocent because there’s only a male-presenting nipple and what’s happening out of frame stays out of frame. ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡° )
Here’s a Rumplestiltskin AU oneshot, beware of cursing and croissants.
You heard me.
Nothing was going Kagome’s way today.
She wanted a quiet birthday party with her mother, brother, and grandfather. So, of course, King Naraku of all people decided to visit their shrine first thing in the morning.
She wanted the visit to end as quickly as possible. Naturally, the King was appalled that the 28-year old priestess was unwed and, consequently, demanded she return to his castle as his newest concubine.
She wanted to feign sickness to chase him away. Logically, her grandfather instead chose to interrupt the King by proclaiming Kagome their moneymaker, their golden goose, and their shrine needed her to stay lest they face bankruptcy.
One carriage ride, two angry guards, and seven hours later, Kagome found herself locked up in a castle tower with one night to produce the so-called riches. Fail, and she would become the King’s brand spanking new concubine.
But Kagome was plucky, oh yes, she wasn't going to let some pervert dictate her fate.
One botched summoning later, all hope was lost.
“I don't want a warrior!” Kagome wailed, waving the scroll frantically. “I was trying to summon fortune! Untold riches! It says so right here!”
The dog-eared man stared at her, as if she was the odd one out in this scenario. “Girl, I don't care what you were trying to do, you summoned a warrior.” He adjusted the sword strapped to his waist for emphasis. “If you don't got a request then hurry the fuck up and close the scroll.”
Kagome groaned. “Dammit!” Grandpa must've mixed up the scrolls when he hastily snuck it into her backpack. Curse his shoddy record-keeping! “What am I gonna do? I only have one night to make gold or money or whatever for that stupid King!”
The dog-eared warrior snorted. “That's what you need to do? You humans sure are weird.”
She gave him an incredulous look. “Aren't you half-human? That's what the scroll says.”
“Shut up,” he said with such intensity it made Kagome freeze. For a nanosecond.
“UGH, isn't there anything you can do? You're still technically our family guardian, help a girl out?” she said, giving him the best puppy dog eyes she could muster.
Dog-man was taken aback, so impressed was he by her puppy dog eyes. Not that he would ever admit it out loud. He cleared his throat and tried to regain his composure. “Keh, you know how it is, if you want to make a deal you have to promise something in return, something real important to you humans.”
“Like...my soul?” she asked, not bothering to hide her skepticism.
He regarded her carefully, then smirked. Kagome was pretty sure he was trying to appear intimidating, but to her he kind of looked boyishly cute. “That's an option. Or your lineage.”
“My what?”
“Ya know, like eternal servitude, tasking your descendants to serve me and forevermore, that sorta thing.”
“I dunno, sounds kinda mean for the next generation…”
“Oh c’mon, people do it all the time, don't they?” He raised an arm to the ceiling and announced with a dramatic flair, “Have my firstborn and grant me knowledge and power, for I can't do shit as a human!”
“Firstborn?” Kagome said suddenly. The proverbial light bulb had been lit.
Something about the way she said “firstborn” worried him a bit.
It was Kagome’s turn to examine him, and he had to fight the urge to strike a pose and show off the goods, so to speak.
He's good-looking, I'll give him that. Wonder if he has a tail. His hair’s gotta be silky smooth, definitely nicer than that King’s greasy mess. Love, love, love the dog ears. Oh my god, would all his kids have dog ears?
After a couple of peeks, giggles, and blushes, dog man had enough and growled. “Look, are we gonna make a deal or what?”
Kagome looked him in the eyes. “You don’t want a concubine, do you?”
“W-what?” he stuttered. “The hell sorta question is that?”
“Well, do you?”
“I don’t give a shit about that!” he shouted, red in the face, and turned around to avoid looking at her. “Weird humans and their weird customs,” he muttered to himself.
He’s definitely not like the nasy King. It’s either cute dog-eared babies or sharing a bed with that slimy, misogynistic, concubine-obsessed creep.
Kagome cleared her throat. “I’ve made my decision.”
He turned and she was...eagerly smiling? Oh, he was getting real worried now.
She reached out to shake his hand. “Okay Mr. Dog-man, let's make that baby!”
He reached for her hand to finalize the deal. “About goddamn tiiiwwwWWWHHAAAT?”
So busy was he picking his jaw up, he didn't realize what she was doing until she had taken her shoes, socks, and jacket off. “The sun’s already set, we better hurry!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, what are you, why, I mean,” he struggled to say. This was not what he was expecting when he was summoned.
Nothing was going his way today.
“Hurry up and undress dog-man, or do you want my secondborn too!?”
The realization that there was a very pretty girl undressing and demanding him to do the same hit him like lightning. “Ah fuck it,” he cursed, dropped his sword, clothes and pride, and pounced.
Five vigorous hours later and a couple of exotic positions that included a croissant-shape, Kagome hummed happily as she lay on top of a flushed and satisfied half-demon.
“Damn girl,” he exhaled.
“Stop calling me girl, I thought I told you my name,” she said and crawled up to kiss him for the umpteenth time. “I mean, you were yelling it a couple minutes ago.”
He scoffed, wrapping his arms around her waist all the same. “Not as loud as you calling my name, Ka-go-me.”
“If you say so, I-nu-ya-sha.” She rested her head on his chest and played with a lock of his hair. “Tell me about yourself. I should get to know you before I introduce you to my mom and grandpa.”
He raised a brow, but proceeded anyhow. He talked about living on his own in the spirit realm, how he owned nothing but the clothes on his back and his rusty sword (both currently discarded by the door). He talked about how he mastered his attacks, how he gained fame as a warrior, and how he became her family’s guardian spirit.
“The Backlash Wave was a pain to figure out. After that though, it all came together. I learned how to break barriers, send a barrage of adamant, and absorb--”
“Wait,” Kagome said. “Wait, wait...adamant? As in diamonds?”
“Uh, I guess?”
Kagome gave him a long, hard look. “Are you telling me you ARE the spirit of fortune?”
Inuyasha spluttered, "It's not like I swing my sword to give out presents!”
Silence followed. Finally, Kagome sighed. “You're lucky you have cute ears.”
“What's that supposed to mmmmmmph!”
Two more hours involving three more exotic positions were enough to shut him up.
The next morning, King Naraku’s court was awoken by a series of explosions. They rushed out to find half the castle grounds destroyed and what was left of it covered in diamond spears. His would-be concubine was long gone.
The Higurashi shrine closed up that day. To be more precise, the shrine was literally picked up and hauled away to who knows where.
Nine months later, there were more Higurashi kids with dog ears too.
The End
AN: I refuse to apologize for this oneshot.
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