#oreo frosting sucks
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do you even have ONE good opinion about food???
I have TONS of good opinions about food.
#uhm like idk cereal tastes worse in a bowl#olives are gross#cold soup isnt that bad#anything with onions in it sucks#strawberry flavoured stuff with chocolate tastes bad#oreo frosting sucks#dark chocolate is better than white chocolate#and much more#ask#anon
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request.
smut 2011 bill and female reader.
bill comes home after a long day of work and yn wants to make him feel better so he surprises him with his favorite cake and she's also wearing his favorite set (something gothic like its style)
yn teases him with the cake as well
surprise
PAIRINGS: Bill 2011 x Female reader
CONTENT: SMUT
SYPNOSIS: Bill is tired and stressed out from a LONG day of work, Y/N feels bad and wants to make him feel better, knowing he was coming home late you made his favourite cake and wore his favourite lingiere set that you own.
A/N: i want cake
WARNINGS: teasing, dom!bill, sub!reader, p in v (riding), sucking d, tit playing
Bill finally came home from a long day of work, it was 10pm and I had prepared for his arrival, baking him his favourite cake so he could have something that would cheer him up when he finished his shift.
He came in the door, slouched over and groaning, slamming the keys onto the counter. His face softened as soon as he saw me, engulfing me in a hug, my face mushed against his chest. "Missed you so much baby..the guys are so frustrating, we had to work on a guitar solo for 4 fucking hours cause Tom couldn't get it right" he sighed, letting go and kissing me softly.
"Come here honey, I made your favourite" I smiled, grabbing his hand and guiding him into the kitchen, showing him a slice of his favourite cake, chocolate fudge cake with oreos on top. His eyes lit up at the sight of it, his mouth hanging low. "Oh thank you baby..you're such a good girl" he smiled softly, kissing my neck. I cut a huge slice for him and made him sit down on the couch.
"Stay there baby, I'll be back" I set the cake down, running to the bedroom and putting his favourite set of lingiere that I own, it was very gothic, full of black lace and little dark red flowers.
I came out and watched as his eyes widened, "fuck baby..." he mumbled, covering his mouth, trying to keep his composure. I smirked as a tent built in his pants.
I walked over to the couch and sat on his lap, grabbing the cake and slowly feeding it to him, "is it good baby..?" I whispered, nipping at his neck, he nodded and groaned as I grinded softly on his lap.
I "accidently" swiped some of the frosting onto his lip, "oops! Better clean that up" I smiled innocently, my tongue dragging across his lips, kissing them sweetly.
"Mmm, chocolate" I smirked, his hands flew to my ass and gripped it tightly. "Stop being a tease.." he growled, smacking the flesh.
I smirked and unbuckled his belt, his hips bucking up to help me take his pants off. I slid them off and sat back down on his lap, his cock straining against his boxers, begging to be freed.
I bit my lip and took his cock out, pumping it a few times before getting off the couch and onto my knees. Bill spread his legs slightly, letting me get in between them.
I held his cock with one hand and slightly wrapped my lips around his tip, lowering down onto his cock, "fuckk..yes baby wrap those pretty lips around my cock" he groaned, one hand tangling in my hair softly.
He guided me onto his cock, fitting the full thing inside my mouth. I gagged slightly as his tip hit the back of my throat, tears pricking at my eyes.
I bobbed my head up and down, slobbering all over his erect cock. He groaned and bucked his hips up again, slowly thrusting himself in my mouth, matching my thrusts. "Fuck...so good for me" he praised, caressing my hair softly.
I smiled, picking up my pace and sucking his length faster, ocassionaly swirling my tongue over his sensitive tip, gaining a satifying reaction out of him.
I felt his legs tense up a bit, signalling his impending orgasm. "Make me cum.." he groaned lowly, his head threw back onto the top part of the couch, his other hand reaching out to grip something.
Eventually his other hang grabbed onto my hair, he started to slam his hips into my mouth, throat fucking me cruely. His tip rammed into the back of my throat, saliva building around my mouth as I gagged on his cock.
"Yess!" he whined, shooting his cum deep into my throat, panting heavily. I swallowed his cum, standing up slowly, my legs slightly shaky from being on my knees for quite a while.
"Cmere baby" he smiled, pulled me onto his lap and taping the straps of the lingiere off, revealing my breasts. He grunted and shoved his head into my chest, licking and sucking on my nipples harshly.
I moaned at the sensation, pleasure waves coursing throughout my body as his suction got rougher. I moved the panty part of the lingiere to the side, revealing my pussy. I grinded on his cock to notify him and his eyes shot open, grinning widely and positioning himself at my entrance.
He slowly pushed in, groaning at my tightness, bottoming himself out. I got into a comfortable position, preparing to ride him when he started to softly thrust into me, I put my hand on his chest to stop him, "baby, let me take care of you" I smiled, lifting my hips up and slamming them down.
I moaned as his tip teasingly brushed against my g spot, making me motivated to go faster, I swayed my hips, getting into a pleasurable rhythm.
His hands flew to my ass, grabbing it tightly and smacking it, I gasped at the sudden spank, turning to him. He chuckled "sorry baby you get me so excited" diving his head back into my tits and sucking on my nipples again.
The way his tip brushed past my sweet spot and the sensation of his mouth on my nipples made me crazy, I knew my orgasm was fastly approaching so I sped up, hips slamming into his at an ungodly pace, sweat lining on my forehead, my eyebrows furrowed.
"Gonna cum!" I whined, my hands creeping down and holding onto his waist, the sound of skin slapping filling the house, our moans in sync.
He grabbed my hips, digging his nails into them as we came at the same time, my pussy cumming all over his cock and his load being squirted deep into my hole, coating my walls completely.
"Oh fuck..you're so good" he panted, holding me close to him. I fell forward and tried to catch my breath with him, both of our bodies covered in swear.
After we had calmed down he pulled me off his lap, picking me up in his arms and carrying me to the shower, "cmon baby, we'll wash up and eat that cake you made me" he smirked, kissing my neck gently and turning the water on.
tags: @itsmealaiah @tomscumdump @tomkaulitzloverr @tomscumdoll @ge-billsgf @miyukafujii @charliesgoodboy @estxkios @bkaulitzlover @ballhair
#tom kaulitz#tokiohotel#bill kaulitz#georg listing#gustav schäfer#bill kaulitz x reader#tom kaulitz x y/n#bill kaulitz x you#bill kaulitz x female reader#bill kaulitz x y/n#smut#bill kaulitz smut#ilovebillkaulitzmymanmymanmymanmyman#ilovebillkaulitzhessosexyiwanthimtopoundmypussysoharditbreaksapart#bill kaulitz fluff#bill#i love bill kaulitz#cake#working#job#employment#long day#rough smut#roughfuck#teasing
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Are you done with those incorrect quotes? I know i'm not! Part 10!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Levi, after visiting Hange's house: Your house is haunted
Hange: Wait, what? Why?
Levi: You live there
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Floch (about Zeke): Something's not right about him.
Eren: Oh really, what gave him away? The creepy laugh or the evil music?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hange: Hmph. I was expecting a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed...
Zeke: Your mom suck me good and hard thru my jorts
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke: Hmph. The reckless swing of the sword may often be more deadly than the refined stroke of the pen...
Hange: Shut up nerd
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Historia: Based? Based on what?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Grisha: *nudging Zeke* that should've been you
Zeke: Not now Dad
Grisha: Not asking for a Graphic Designer to help, are they?
Zeke: Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now
Grisha: Why don't you save him as a PDF & see if that helps
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Eren: Dad, what's a forklift?
Grisha: Food, usually.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Historia: I'm bored
Ymir: You could kiss me.
Ymir: Just sayin'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Levi: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.
Hange: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD’d in their own pool. Big difference.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Historia: By default, my favorite way to win!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Gabi: Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems.
Gabi: Pick one person you hate and blame them for everything.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Marcel: As your brother and best friend-
Porco: Pieck is my best friend.
Marcel, holding a knife: As your bestest of friends-
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Levi: I love you
Hange: -Sorry what was that?
Levi: I SAID, I'm selling you to the ZOO.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Sasha: Hey, I just had a thought-...
Gabi: Your parents are gonna be so proud
(Boo. She killed her for the second time!)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Levi: Do you understand the plan?
Hange, confidently: Yes!
*Levi leaves them*
Hange, turning to the others: Did anyone understan-
Reiner: No
Mikasa: No
Commander Magath: No
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Armin: We need to figure out where Eren took Zeke. If you were him, where would you go?
Hange: Strip club
Mikasa: Titan killing seminar
Hange: Bar
Mikasa: Therapy
Hange: Strip club
Mikasa: Dude you already said that. Why would Eren take his brother to a strip club?
Hange: For the free buffet!
Pieck, pipping in: It is, in any case, very likely that Zeke would take Eren to a strip club. And not just for the free buffet!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke: Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning
Pieck:
Porco: GROSS.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Reiner: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it.
Marcel: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.
Porco: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke flirting: You can call me what you like, but you should call me yours ;)
Eren flirting: Lets eat the foam from the headrest together
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke: Not to brag or anything but there's no limit to the amount of mass destruction I'm willing to go through with
Levi: See, this is why nobody likes you
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
14 yo Pieck: I think I have a crush on Zeke
Porco: Zeke as in Zeke Yaeger?
Pieck: Yes. Thoughts?
Porco: And prayers girl, fucking hell
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*Eren in Paths, barely concealing Ymir Fritz behind himself*
Zeke: Uhhh, watcha got there?
Eren, also holding a smoothie: A smoothie
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Gabi: Have I ever told you how much I love and respect you?
Reiner: We are not stopping at McDonald’s.
Gabi: This is BULLSHIT
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Erwin: Who's the strongest out of your training corps?
Jean: Mikasa
Annie: Mikasa
Eren: Mikasa
Mikasa: Me
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*Gabi looking for something under her bed*
Gabi, pulling out a twenty: Aww, $20. I wanted a peanut!
Pieck: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Gabi: Explain how
Pieck: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Pieck, picking up the phone: 911 what's your emergency
Pieck: What do you mean you're being murdered?
Pieck: That's illegal people can't do that
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Commander Magath: *talking about one of their targets for the mission*
Porco, flicking Zeke awake: Hey, it's an important debriefing, pay attention!
Zeke: I don't care about the lore of this idiot
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hange: *Kicks open the door* PUPPETS!
Levi, looking straight at the camera: And so begins another conversation that will test the limits of my sanity.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*Mikasa standing in the middle of a dozen Yaegerists, all knocked out or otherwise killed*
Floch, having just arrived on the scene: I should call the alarm for this but honestly that's kinda hot
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke: PORCO YOU BITCH! GET IN HERE!
Porco: Wha?
Zeke: *points to trashcan* What’s THIS?
Porco: Uh, my leftover fries.
Zeke: Mhm, yes. And WHY are they in the fucking trash can?!
Porco: Cuz I was done?
Zeke: OH PLEASE. IT’S LIKE YOU DONT KNOW ME. I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT.
Porco: OH YEAH, YOU SON OF A BITCH?!
Zeke: YEAH. AND I AM A SON OF A BITCH, FOR THE FUCKING RECORD.
Gabi, screaming too: I WANNA JOIN YOUR FUCKING CUSS CONTEST!
Reiner: >:(
Porco: >:(
Commander Magath: >:(
Zeke: *proud*
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Reiner, exasperated: Do you just like arguing for arguing's sake?
Sasha, who has been arguing multiple contradictory points: no!?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Gabi: I missed you
Falco: It's been, like, an hour.
Gabi: Tell me about it!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Annie: YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME!
Armin: Wh-
Annie: YOU’RE ESSENTIAL TO MY EXISTENCE!
Armin: Why are you screaming?!
Annie: I HAVE DIFFICULTY EXPRESSING MYSELF! IT HELPS TO SAY SENTIMENTAL THINGS IN AN AGGRESSIVE TONE!
Armin:
Annie: I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Armin: The Ocean is a Soup.
Eren:
Eren: Do elaborate.
Armin: What are needed for something to be a soup?
Eren: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetables, and personally I prefer some meat in mine.
Armin: *nods along*
Eren: The Ocean is a Soup.
Armin: The Ocean is a Soup.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Eren: *screams in rage so hard he tears his own vocal chords*
Mikasa: *gets caught up in the Killing and Maiming and then slips and falls in a blood puddle*
Armin, tearing up: You two are so perfect for each other. Please never get anyone else involved.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Mikasa: Where's Eren?
Reiner: Don't worry, I'll find him
Reiner, shouting: MIKASA SUCKS!!
Eren, in the distance: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT
Reiner: found him.
Mikasa: I should be offended, but honestly I'm kinda impressed
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Commander Magath: Did you take out Queen Historia as I requested?
Reiner: Queen Historia has been taken out, yes.
Commander Magath: Great jo-
Reiner: It was a great restaurant.
Reiner: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.
Reiner: I proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke, He's Also There For Some Reason: So do I have to give you the shovel talk now?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Sasha: Appartment "complex"? I actually find it quite simple.
Gabi: And that's why you deserved to get shot.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Mikasa: Dad I'm hungry
Grisha: Hi Hungry I'm Dad
Mikasa: Stop that! It's been 10 hours, I'm not joking!
Grisha: Well no, you're Hungry!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Marcel: We got the torture labyrinth tomorrow
Annie: What?
Marcel: We gotta get tortured for eternity tomorrow
Annie: Ohhhh
Annie: Okay
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Sasha: How do I make my date with Niccolo romantic?
Connie: I don't know, try being mysterious?
*Later*
Niccolo: So, where are we going?
Sasha: None of your fucking business.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Reiner: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?
Mikasa: Nope, absolutely not.
Zeke: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.
Connie: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.
Annie: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.
Porco: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hange: Am I in trouble?
Erwin: I'm gonna give you three guesses, Hange.
Hange: No!
Erwin:
Hange: No?
Erwin:
Hange: ...No?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Levi: You tried to make the trainees go "explore" into Bean's throat "for science", for God's sake. What could possibly make you think you're not in trouble?!
Hange: Hey! They probably wouldn't have died! Moblit was holding the rope real tight!
Levi: How much time has that poor kid been assigned to you for, too? At this point I'm wondering if he's a masochist or has just worked retail before.
Hange:
Levi: In any case, he probably shouldn't be allowed to continue. But hey, we're a bit too understaffed to care. Send him my condoleances when he inevitably goes insane.
Hange: You're not even gonna bother to do it yourself?
Levi: No.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Levi: They're re-running "Hell's Kitchen" episodes on Sundays
Levi: Consider me booked for the foreseeable future
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke, lying: Why would I lie
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Porco, trying to find out who to advise they send as a negociator: Is Zeke even good with his tongue?
Pieck: *raising her eyebrows very unequivocally*
Porco: Put those back down! Okay, I get it.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Gabi: Is she stupid?
Connie: Yes, but she prefers to be called Sasha.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Mikasa: Customer spilt pickle juice on the floor today
Eren: HOW
Eren: YOU WORK AT AN ART STORE
Mikasa: She brought her own
Eren: WHAT
Hange: *sipping her pickle juice while watching tv* My spidey sense is tingling.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Historia: It's ok to ask for help
Armin: You're not a burden
Annie: Murder is okay
Reiner: Your feelings matter
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*15+ years into the future*
Unknown number: I'm moving and found a black machete under my bed. Is it yours?
Gabi: Who is this?
Zofia: Zofia, from military school
Gabi: Bro I ain't even talked to you in 6 years and this is how you get in touch 💀
Zofia: Well you're the only person I can think of that might leave a machete at my house
Gabi: Wait is it a Ka-bar?
Zofia: Hold on i'll check
Zofia: Yes.
Gabi: Okay yeah that's mine
Gabi: How have you not looked under your bed in six years??
Zofia: I feel like that's really not the most important question here
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Marcel: Any advice before we go to the Devils' island, War Chief?
Zeke: Don’t wet yourself in public.
Marcel: Not the kind of advice I was looking for!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Armin: Try to see things from Historia's perspective. She must be really heartbroken by you leaving her.
Eren: From her perspective?
Eren: *crouches down*
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Niccolo: I got you shrimp fried rice!
Sasha:
Sasha: You're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Gabi: Did Falco just tell me he loves me ?
Colt: Yeah, he did.
Gabi: And did I just do finger guns back?
Colt: Yeah, you did.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*Gabi has failed something*
Levi: What happened?
Gabi, tearing up: I don't know...
Levi: Don't worry, don't worry, look, I'm here to help you. Please don't get upset. Hey! Don't worry!
*The 104th have failed their mission*
Levi: Listen, listen, listen, LISTEN.
Levi, pointing at Jean: Fuck off.
Levi, pointing at Sasha: Fuck off
Levi, pointing at Mikasa: You're on thin fucking ice.
Levi, pointing at Reiner: Fuck off!
Levi, pointing at Eren: Fuck off!!
Levi: *To all* GET OUT!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Eren: Not knowing about Greek Mythology is my Achilles' Horse.
Armin, visibly shaking: Eren.
Eren: Uh oh, I've really opened a Pandora's Labyrinth here haven't I
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Professor Smith: Okay, who can answer Question 4?
Annie: 45
Mikasa: Ugh, I got 38
Professor Smith: What?
Sasha: I answered that the mitochondria was the powerhouse of the cell.
Connie: My answer was North America
Jean: North what?
Eren: Mine was this drawing of my childhood dog Tonny, who got tragically driven over by a cart at the tender age of 7 months old.
Professor Smith: This is a geology class.
Armin: And question 4 was a true or false question.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke, telling the story of the battle of Shiganshina: ...And then I escaped, unscathed!
Pieck: You were bleeding from so many parts of your body you were practically a cloud of steam.
Zeke: Okay, fine, I was a little scathed.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*Sasha works as a McDonalds employee*
Colt, entering the store: Hello I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
Sasha: Sorry, we only take cash or credit.
Manager Magath: can i talk to you real quick
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Bertholt: You know small animals are more vicious than larger ones. it's because they have less room to bottle up their anger.
Reiner: Okay, good theory, give me one example.
Bertholt: Wasps, spiders…
Zeke: Annie
Annie, offended: Bitch!
Zeke: See!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Grisha: Listen, Mr Tough Guy, your fists aren’t gonna get you out of every problem.
Eren: I figured, so I got a knife.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Reiner: Yesterday, I overheard Gabi saying, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Zeke replying, “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Eren: Armin, this is Annie, the girl who kicked my ass into the dust yesterday. Annie, this is Armin, he's a nerd.
Armin: That's pretty.
Annie: What?
Armin: Your name, you have a pretty name
Eren: *snorts*
Armin: What? I said exactly what you told me to about girls, Eren!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Armin: I think I have a crush on Annie
Mikasa: *gasps*
Mikasa: Why am I gasping? I already knew that.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Court Magician (Hange wearing a fake mustache): I can make anything disappear
Historia: *holding cup* Do it to my tea
Hange: *waves hand* Done.
His oria: *holding cup* It didn't work
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Floch: I just... I’m terrible at expressing myself, ok?
Eren: Don’t worry, actions speak louder than words!
Floch: Yes, but my actions are also terrible.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke: I don't think it's fair that women have an excuse, once a month, to act irrationally angry, when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time!
Annie: You're irrationally angry 365 days a year!
Zeke: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Pieck: Hey, she has a good point. Why are you always so god dang happy on the 29th of february?
Zeke: It's the anniversary of my parents' deportation.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Sasha and Niccolo: *making out on the couch*
Niccolo: Wanna take this to the bedroom?
Sasha: Sure
*They get up*
Sasha: *starts lifting the couch*
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke: Eren, you're getting older now, it's time for you to start acting your own age.
Mikasa: *running past them* The floor is lava!
Zeke: *standing on the sofa* HAHA YOU LOSE EREN!
Eren: I just-
Grisha: *on top of the fridge* No, Eren, you know the rules. You lose.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Falco: *Throwing himself on Colt's bed, blushing* I have a crush
Colt: It's always a crush, never a job
Falco: I'm twelve??
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Eren: Damn, this escape room is hard
Zeke: Eren? We're in jail.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Grisha: Can you boys believe this all started with a family dinner?
Zeke: Honestly, I'm better right here.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Colt: Where's Gabi?
Pieck: Doing stuff.
Colt: Don't like the sound of that. Reiner?
Pieck: Trying to stop her from doing stuff.
Colt: What about Falco?
Pieck: Stopping Reiner from stopping Gabi.
Colt: ... you?
Pieck: I'm distracting you so you don't try to stop Falco.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Eren: You’re giving me a sticker?
Hange: Not just any sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying, “me-WOW”
Eren: I am not a preschooler.
Hange: Fine, I'll take it back then.
Eren, practically hissing: I earned this. back off.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke: What day is today?
Pieck: It's our marriage anniversary.
Zeke: Wrong answer!
Pieck: *sigh* It's the day during which we remember that we are the best couple out there.
Zeke: We are!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Gabi: Pieck, how do I get revenge on my enemies?
Pieck: The best revenge is letting go and living your life to the fullest.
Gabi:...
Gabi: Annie how do I-
Annie: Brick.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Levi: Eren needs new clothes
Hange: What’s wrong with the ones he has now? I bought them for him.
Levi: Yeah, exactly.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*Eren and Zeke are fighting*
Pieck: Is someone going to stop them? They’re going to hurt each other!
Porco: I think they’re okay
*Zeke slams Eren into the ground*
Porco: They’re fine
*Eren putting Zeke in a chokehold*
Pieck: We need to stop them!
Porco: They’re fine, Pieck. This is how siblings fight.
*Zeke pulls out a knife*
Pieck: What the f-
*Eren bites his hand*
Porco: It’s normal for siblings to fight. Marcel once chased me with an axe
Pieck: An axe??
Porco: Mhm. But that was only after I pushed him through a window
Pieck:
Porco, defensively: It was on the first floor! He just sprained his ankle.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Reiner: Oh, and one last thing. Stay out of trouble!
Gabi: Not my strong suit.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Flight attendant: Now, before we take off, please ensure that all small items are secured.
Zeke: *looks over at Historia*
Historia: What?
Zeke, whispering: Do you feel safe?
Historia: I will hit you.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Commander Magath: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!
Connie: How else would you like me to mock you? I take requests.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hange: Maybe once, try to see things my way !
Levi: Well, your way is crazy. And illegal.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Gabi: Mom, help! There's a monster under my bed, and it's really ugly!
Reiner, on the bottom bunk: Hey!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Rod Reiss: No one loves me! :(
Historia:
Eren:
Alma:
The people who he ruled for years and did not help one iota:
The ghost of Frieda:
The ghost of Uri Reiss:
The ghost of his wife:
The ghost of Ymir Fritz:
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Pieck: When I was a kid, I tried to form a gang
Reiner: Wow, how did it go?
Pieck: It turned into a book club.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Bertholt: I heard you ask for cookies, so I made you some!
Annie: Well I'm not hungry anymore.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Mikasa: I like to think of myself as a semi responsible adult.
Connie: Armin is 70% of your impulse control and you know this.
Armin: I feel like Mikasa is the more responsible one of us two though.
Mikasa: We are both 70% of each others' impulse control.
Armin: Just two lil beasts in pinwheel hats spinning on the merry-go-round at dangerous velocities, holding each other’s hands so the other doesn’t fall off.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Eren: Saving the Eldians, freeing the world, this is such an important and difficult mission... Dad, what if I flop?
Grisha: Oh, my darling, what if you slay?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Sasha, squinting: Armin, what are you doing?
Armin: Eating chocolate pudding
Sasha: It's four in the morning, why are you eating chocolate pudding?
Armin, hands shaking: Because I've lost control of my life
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Armin: I'll remind you that you too are up in the kitchen at 4 am. What are YOU doing here?
Sasha: I took a break from sleeping to get a snack.
Armin:
Sasha: I know what it looks like, but in my case that's just regular behavior. I get sad if I don't have my 3 am PB & J sandwich
Armin: It's 4 am
Sasha: Whatever. I've got a stomach, not a clock down there.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hange, up too now: What are you guys doing up?
Armin, loudly: JESUS, can't a guy have a mental breakdown in PEACE?!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Sasha, after Armin went to lock himself in the bathroom to scream away: So, what are you doing up that early?
Hange: *says something so absolutely, uniquely unhinged the author couldn't possibly dare to transcribe it to this here web page*
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Connie: Defend my thesis? Like, with a sword?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Zeke: Yeah, some of my clothes are from my enemies.
Zeke: Sometimes you kill some bastard and then go, "Ooh those are some nice pants!"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Gabi: If we grew up together, would we have snuck out?
Falco: I snuck out once for like 30 minutes. I got so scared that I ran back home and hid in bed.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Historia: Have you ever not liked someone in a romantic way but everything is just so cool. I mean look at Ymir. She’s beautiful, talented, caring even when she doesn't say it and cool but I would never like her that way.
Ymir: *smiles softly at Historia*
Historia: Oh.
Historia: Oh no
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Reiner, blinking: Bert, why are we lying on the ground?
Bertholt: You got beat up by Annie and knocked unconscious.
Bertholt: I laid next to you so people would think we were just chilling.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Mikasa: Historia says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Ymir: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Ymir: I don't "struggle with same-sex attraction", I'm actually very good at it.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Also Ymir: Need to kiss a girl or I'll die
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Yeah, Historia isn't really the kind to respond "I will hit you" to something someone said. But, you know? Maybe Zeke triggers some sort of Cain instinct in her. That makes total sense to me. The guy's very punchable.
Masterpost
Bonus of an alternative version of this one:
Yelena: We need to figure out where Levi took Zeke. If you were him, where would you go?
Floch: Strip club
Eren: Titan killing seminar
Floch: Bar
Eren: Cleaning personel convention
Floch: Strip club
Eren: Dude you already said that. Why would Levi take his arch-enemy to a strip club?
Floch: For the free buffet!
#eren yaeger#aruani#floch forster#levi ackerman#pieck finger#aot#aot incorrect quotes#attack on titan#klm-zoflorr
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ever get the regular Oreos paper thin frosting in the middle boy they suck . You now have to have to get double ssstuff I’m pissed oft JAHFOS got regular ones by mistake milk won’t help either . I think it’s all vladamir putins fault son of a bitch ! ... MOGA
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For someone who really enjoys desserts and sweets, ProZD’s vid just really reconfirmed my consensus that Little Debbie snacks suck ass, lmao (EXCEPT FOR NUTTY BUDDIES).
#dee p thoughts#they just dont taste good lmao he kept saying the cakes were bland and yeah they are#also the frosting is too much gross#he said his favs are the oatmeal cremes but Im not...an oatmeal person unfortunately lmao#hostess snacks also suck imo never found the appeal of twinkies#if you take me to a fair dont offer me deep fried twinkies the oreos are where theyre at
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Wanna be yours | jjh
Summary: having an attractive roommate is one thing, but being friends with benefits with them is something that is bound to go wrong.
Pairing: roommate!jaehyun x fem!reader
Word count: 2.7k
Warnings: masterbation, sexual tension, voyeurism?, unprotected sex, bulge kink, creampie, not completely proofread!
When you first asked your friend group if there was anyone they knew that needed a place to stay, you didn’t expect for him to be insanely attractive, and you also didn’t expect to become friends with benefits with him. You’re not complaining—he’s AMAZING in bed. Not just is the foreplay good and have you riled up and wet within a few minutes, but the degrading and aftercare have you wanting more.
“Y/N, are you going to workout with me today?”
“No, I’m too tired today” you tell him as you pick up a popsicle from the freezer. “I’ll just watch you workout and do it vicariously through you”
“Well alright, you won’t get the results you want but whatever suits you” he tells you as he sets his exercise mat in the living room.
“Aren’t you gonna take off your shirt?”
“You’d like that wouldn’t you” you would slap that smirk off his face if you could.
“Jaehyun!”
“I’m joking calm down, and no, I do that later on when I start getting really sweaty”
“Oh, well then carry on”
You decide to go on your phone so you don’t have to watching him and inflating his ego by having him reaping with something obnoxious like “take a picture so you can use it for later”
You were so preoccupied, scrolling through your social media and texting back and fourth with your friends. When you looked up you didn’t expect to see the imprint of his cock in his grey sweats. Yes, Jaehyun was big, very very big, but you never thought it was to the point where you could very clearly see the imprint of him in his sweats—and his sweats are nowhere near being tight fitting, so it’s definitely taking you by surprise.
You were in a trance—watching him lift weights, the way the veins in his hands popped out had you swallowing. He could easily manhandle you however he wanted. You couldn’t stop staring at his crotch.
Jaehyun’s grunts are what bring you back to earth.
You decide to get up and leave before you do something stupid.
You weren’t aware, but Jaehyun knew you were staring. And yes, it did inflate his ego, which is not what you wanted.
You left Jaehyun alone to help your best friend with her wedding. You didn’t think you would enjoy it at first—expecting it to be boring and drag on a long time and praying for it to end, but you were actually having a really fun time. You liked helping her pick out what kind of flowers to have, what kind of dress she would like to have for the braidsmaids, and you were especially excited for the cake tasting.
“So Y/N, how have you and Jaehyun been doing?”
Her question took you by big surprise. She obviously is aware about what you have going on with your so called hot roommate Jaehyun who you now have a friends with benefits relationship with—she’s the one who suggested him be your roommate.
“We’re good, still living together”
“Still fucking?”
“Umm, not as much anymore”
“Not as much? What? Were you doing it every day”
“Not everyday, don’t be insane. Three times a week at the most” you would definitely do it everyday with him, heck even he has suggested to do it everyday, but you don’t have the kind of stamina that he has.
“Have you made a move?”
“I don’t like him”
“I’ve seen the way you look at him, it’s very obvious there’s some feelings there. I’m your best friend you can’t hide things from me” Of course you should’ve known that you can’t keep anything from her. The amount of times she has figured things out without you even telling her.
“Well if nothings going on, is he seeing someone?”
“Why would he be seeing someone?”
“Because you two aren’t dating? If you don’t make a move on him someone else will” you hate that the thought of him seeing someone had you not only upset but also jealous, wanting to fight whoever she is—wait she doesn’t even exist. You’re going crazy, he’s making you crazy.
“Can we talk about something else besides my lack of a love life” she smiles teasingly at you, almost in an evil way, knowing she hit a nerve with the question of him being with someone that’s not you.
“It wouldn’t be lacking if you stopped being stubborn, but fine. So, did you like the marble cake or the chocolate champagne more?”
You’re currently in the kitchen doing dishes. Today is your turn to do the dishes but you actually don’t mind it, you find it calming and relaxing. The room is very quiet considering Jaehyun isn’t there to bother you every 5 minutes by poking your cheeks to tell you he’s bored and to pay attention to him. Of course peace and quiet doesn’t last long living with Jung Jaehyun, as he soon steps into the kitchen wearing just a towel- wait, he’s wearing just a towel!
“Why are you wearing just a towel?!” You squeak as you cover your eyes with the lose towel hanging off a chair.
“I just took a shower” you felt Jaehyun’s presence, assuring you that he’s now behind you. “And why are you covering your eyes, you’ve seen me naked already”
“Jaehyun, that gross”
“That’s not what you usually say when I’m plowing you into my bed”
“Jaehyun I will kill you”
“Okay I’ll stop teasing you, for now. Do we still have the ice cream cake from Jeno’s birthday”
“That was over a month ago”
“Food is food” he’s staring at you wanting for you to answer his question.
“Gross, it’s in the freezer”
He hurries to the freezer, eager to have something sweet in his mouth. Of course he would prefer if it was you, but he’ll take what he can get.
“Are you sure you should be eating it?”
“Mind your business” he playfully snaps at you.
“If you need to go to the doctor because of it I’m not taking you” rolling his eyes in fake annoyance, he dives right into the last bit of cake there’s left.
You go back to washing the last few dishes there are left, not sparing Jaehyun a glance.
When you finally finish you’re relieved, excited to have one thing from your to do list done.
You notice Jaehyun in his own world, living his best life with the Oreo ice cream cake.
He licks the frosting off from his fingers, the veins in his hand popping out and having you feeling a type of way. You swallow, the sexual frustration getting the best of you as you imagine what his fingers could be doing. And it doesn’t help that he’s still in just a towel. You swear he’s doing it on purpose.
“Enjoying the show?” Jaehyun’s voice bring you back, seeing the way his eyes have darkened with lust now.
“N-No I’m fine” your voice shakes. Damn it.
“I don’t think you are” he walks towards you until he’s towering over you.
“You don’t know anything”
“No, but I do know you would love it if my fingers were licking someone sweeter that isn’t frosting, is that right? Or would you prefer is they were somewhere else? Somewhere that’s probably soaking wet?” He pulls your bottom lip with his thumb, making you suck on him. The way your tongue circles around him has him getting instantly hard. The eye contact you two told has your legs almost shaking.
You finally come to your senses, taking his fingers out of you mouth and running to your bedroom, painfully horny.
When you lay on your bed, you don’t waste much time you shove your fingers inside of you, wishing and imagination that it was Jaehyun’s fingers instead of yours. You quickly pump your fingers in and out, closing your eyes and picturing Jaehyun on top of you, enjoying the sight of your moans escaping your lips as he gets you off with just his fingers. Your trying your best to keep your moans low, feeling your climax about to wash over you. A few more pumps is all it takes to have your body shaking, your climax hitting you like a waterfall.
You didn’t check to make sure the door was all the way shut, making Jaehyun see and hear everything.
The sight of you getting yourself off with your fingers has him painfully hard. Jaehyun has to shower again, but this time not because he’s dirty or anything.
Jaehyun wraps his hand around his hard and angry cock, pumping up and down rapidly to reach his high. Is he ashamed to be getting off to the sight of his incredibly hot roommate? No, and it’s also not the first time, nor does he think it will be the last. He twists his hand to get off quickly, not wanting you to find out he showered again after already taking one not even two hours ago and questioning him.
You’re so fucking hot it makes him horny.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck” he gasps as the cold water hits his body. He pumps faster, his vision getting blurry as he releases onto the shower floor, the water washing it away and down the drain. He’s breathing heavily, acting like he actually just had sex. Now he actually does have to clean himself.
“Noooo” you whine to Jaehyun as he’s in the middle of picking out a movie to watch for movie night. “I don’t wanna watch a horror movie.”
“Why not? We watched one last week and you weren’t whining about it then”
“The ones you pick out are disturbing”
“Fine” he decides to play an action movie instead. “You’re such a baby”
“I hate you”
“Not what you were saying a few weeks ago”
“Just pick a movie” you leave him to make a bag of popcorn. When you come back he’s already sat on the couch, sitting there looking so cute and comfortable with his big grey hoodie and cheeks looking a lot like soft bread.
You remember the conversation you had with your best friend.
“What are you doing?” Jaehyun asks you when you sit on the other side of the couch away from him instead of making yourself comfortable in his arms like you usually do.
“I’m sitting down?”
“Nooo” he does grabby hands at you. “Come cuddle with me like you always do”
“And I’m the baby?”
“Just shut up and cuddle me” he pulls you into his side, laying his head on your shoulder and wrapping his hands around you.
You both really enjoyed the movie, Jaehyun occasionally making snarks remarks at the screen, but it’s not something new to you.
The movie finally ends, the ending credits rolling when he gets a call. He excuses himself to go to his room.
You figure you should clean up so you can head to bed and sleep. You’re walking past Jaehyun’s bedroom heading to yours when you pause, you don’t know what possessed you to listen in on his conversation, but you did.
“Are you going to make a move on her” you hear Johnny’s voice through the small gap in the door.
“I don’t know, I don’t even think she feels the same way” Jaehyun is sitting on his bed, rubbing his face in frustration. Whoever this girl is she must be special for him to be doing that. He’s usually someone who is good at hiding when he’s upset or frustrated.
“You’ll never know unless you tell her”
“Okay I will, soon”
Johnny’s loud sigh can be heard.
“I give up on you”
“How the hell are you sexually frustrated?” You’re on a video call with Mark. You all tell him everything, and when you first told him about the friends with benefits thing you started with Jaehyun, he wasn’t too happy about it, as you’re someone who easily catches feelings—remembering all the times you had fallen for someone new. It would be at the simplest gesture, like holding the door open for you or picking up your pen that fell on the floor.
“I just am. I haven’t done it with anyone in two weeks”
“Oh poor you” he’s mocking you, and you want to smack him in the face. “also, don’t you and Jaehyun have a thing going on?”
“Yeah- well we did”
“You did?”
“I overheard him talking with Johnny about having a crush and having feelings for this girl”
“Oh damn”
“Yeah, I just don’t wanna get in the way of that”
Mark isn’t able get anything out before you hear a knock at your door.
“Can we talk” Jaehyun’s voice is heard through the closed door.
“Oh, sure” you yell out to Jaehyun while hurrying to fix your hair. “Bye Mark”
“You’re hanging up on me? What happened to bros before hoe-“ you don’t let Mark finish his sentence.
“Come in” Jaehyun opens your door, and sits next to you on the bed.
“I wanted to walk to you about our relationship”
“I want to talk to you about that too. We should stop”
“What? Why?” He scared at you confused, wondering why you would want to stop something that was going so well—or so he thought.
“I know you like someone”
“You found out”
“Yeah. It was good while it lasted, but I don’t wanna get in the way of you and this girl-“
“Wait you really don’t know? You’re not just acting dumb to tease me?”
“Know what?”
“You’re the girl I like”
“Oh-OH!” You’re taken by complete shock. You never thought that someone like Jaehyun, who is so attractive and popular, would like someone like you. You thought the most you would have with him is sleeping together.
You both stare at each other before leaning in, your lips colliding. Your lips tangle with each other, tongues exploring each other’s mouths.
Jaehyun pulls away to kiss your neck, sucking and leaving mark’s on your skin.
“I’m going to make you feel like the most precious thing in the world” He starts kissing you again, pushing you down onto the bed and crawling on top of you. It doesn’t take long you you both to be naked. His gaze was dark and filled with lust. He rubs his tip up and down your slit before sinking into you. He gives you time to adjust before thrusting his hips repeatedly into you. The feeling this time is very different from all the others—usually it’s loveless and fast, eager to get each other to finish. But this time it’s full of love. He watches his cock go in and out of your pussy, the sight of you taking him making him even harder.
He thrusts into you harshly, sexually frustrated from you both not doing it for two weeks.
“Such a good girl for me” You clench around him as he ruts his cock into you. Jaehyun is smug, fueled by the fact that only he can make you feel this way. Quiet moans leave his lips while laying kisses on your neck.
“Fuck, you fill me up so well” You moan into his ear as he continuously sinks into you. You feel so full as his cock hits you in all the right places. His cock leaves a bulge in your lower tummy, having him almost passing out from the pleasure. Every moan you let out got him closer and closer to his high.
You both feel each other about to finish, making you wrap your hands around his neck for support as his pace starts to get sloppy.
“You’re going to take everything I give you, okay? Come all over my cock” Your whimpers have both of you finishing at the same time, his load filling you to the brim.
His warm cum coats your walls as you come down from your high. He pulls out once he’s done, starting at himself leaking out out of you. He puts up his shirt from the floor to clean you up, your pussy still sensitive from the penetration he just gave you.
Once he’s done he pulls you into his side, smiling at you and having his dimples pop out. You both get comfortable into bed, happy and excited for the new life you have together.
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Incorrect quotes hehehe
-
False: Ren isn’t answering my messages.
Martyn: Allow me.
False: I tried 6 times, what makes you thi-
Ren: *replying to message* Hello.
-
*Ren drunkenly wanders around the house and Martyn is drunkenly giggling*
False, completely sober: *sighs* Well, looks like it's just me and you against the world, Illumina.
Illumina, going to his room: Nope, just you. *shuts door*
-
*Martyn is casually searching around the room*
False: Hey Martyn, what’re you looking for?
Martyn: My will to live.
*Ren walks into the room*
Martyn: Oh, there it is.
-
Ren: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-
Martyn: A doll.
Illumina: A cinnamon roll.
False: A sweetheart.
Ren:
Ren: ...stop it.
-
Martyn: Where are my fucking keys?
Ren: Martyn, False is around, can you say it a little nicer?
Martyn: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?!
-
Ren & Martyn: *accidentally set the kitchen on fire*
Ren: We need an adult!
Martyn: Ren, you are an adult!
Ren: We need an adultier adult! Get False!
-
Ren: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?
False: *crouches down*
Illumina: *kneels down*
Martyn: *sits on the floor*
Ren:
Ren: I hate all of you.
-
Ren: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it.
Martyn: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.
False: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE!
-
Ren: Do you ever feel bugs on you when really there’s nothing there?
Martyn: Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed before.
Ren:
Ren: *sobs*
False: You scared him, you idiot.
-
Ren: I give up. I am so tired.
False: Get the emergency supply!
Illumina: *carries Martyn and places them in front of Ren*
Martyn: *smiles*
Ren: AND I AM BACK BABY, LET’S GOOO
-
Ren & Martyn:*Playing video games*
False: You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games?
Ren: *silence*
Martyn: *silence*
False, finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you?
Ren & Martyn in shame: Yeah...
-
Illumina: Where's Martyn?
False: Don't worry, I'll find him.
False, shouting: Ren sucks!
Martyn, distantly: Ren is the best person ever! Fuck you!
False: Found him.
-
Ren: Hey I just got a pet snake. What should I name him?
False: A pet WHAT?!
Martyn: William Snakespeare.
-
Illumina: You were stabbed. Do you remember anything?
Ren: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.
Illumina: That wasn't an ambulance, I drove you.
Ren: But I heard a siren.
False: That was Martyn.
Martyn: Sorry, I got nervous.
-
False: *running towards Ren with open arms*
Ren: *moves out of the way*
False: Hey, why'd you move?!
Ren: I thought you were going to attack me.
False: I was going to hug you!
Ren: Why would you hug me?
False: WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU!?
-
Martyn, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-
Illumina, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?
Ren, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.
False, appalled: Call the exorcist.
-
Illumina & Ren in the back of False's car: MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!
Martyn: We have food at home.
False: *pulls into the McDonald's drivethrough*
Illumina & Ren: YAYYYYYY!
False: *orders one black coffee and leaves*
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Survey #462
i am way too tired to mentally flip through lyrics to put here, rip
Who in your family has been married the longest? (and how long?) I have zero idea.
When did you last travel alone? Where were you going? The last time I visited Sara in Illinois.
Do you take your shoes off when you come inside? Yes.
What was the first color you ever dyed your hair? I think I got purple highlights?
What was the first social media site you ever used? MySpace.
Do you have any exes you really regret dating? One.
Of all your friends & family, who has the most nicely-decorated home? Sara's house is lovely.
Have you ever been catcalled? No.
Are you allergic to any dogs? I might be.
Have you ever touched a plant and had hives shoot up your arm? No.
Do you think dragonflies are cool? Absolutely!
What’s your favorite thing to draw? Meerkats!!
Did you toss your hat in the air at graduation? Not high. I wanted to keep it.
Do you like fudge? I CAN FUCKING DESTROY SOME FUDGE.
Are you an affectionate person? Very.
Name something you have to do today: Girt and I are hangin', making fun of bad Netflix anime and going to Buffalo Wild Wings. :^)
Would you ever write to a death row inmate? No. People don't get on death row for no reason. I ain't got shit to say to them.
Do you reckon online friendships are real? No fucking shit. Most of my most genuine friendships began online.
Do you like Slipknot? Yep. Can we talk about how fuckin BADASS Corey's new mask is btw??????????
What do you think of Gorillaz? I like "Feel Good Inc." and one other song I can't remember the name of.
Bow ties on guys, dorky or adorable? BOTH!!!!! :')
What is the cutest Halloween costume for a baby to wear? GUYS I recently saw a picture of a little baby dressed up as a Little Oogie Boogie and it made my ovaries cry.
Which of your friends is the tallest? Which of them is the shortest? Jesus, Girt is a giant. I don't know about my shortest...
If you could re-paint your bedroom, what color would you choose? Pastel pink. :')
What has been the best night of your life so far? Why? Probably something sexual so let's keep it on the down low lmfaooo
Would you ever even think about taking part in a wet t-shirt contest? Uh, no. Even if I WAS confident in my body.
Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby? No. It was dirty blonde.
Have you ever been in trouble for being too loud? Ha, yeah, at school with friends. Not big trouble or anything, we were just hushed.
Did you ever attend a wedding that was a complete disaster? No.
What is something that you were surprised you were able to do? Hm.
What is the most bullshit-sounding true fact that you know? Male cats have spiked penises lkasdjfal;kje;kjwr it's something to do with preventing other tomcats from mating with her.
What Oreo flavor is your favorite? Gimme that Double Stuffed, friend.
Sour gummy worms or plain gummy worms? SOUR.
Ever been in a talent show? How many times? What did you do? Nope.
Ever try out for the talent show and not make it? Did you cry? Nope.
What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever cried about? Y'all when I was a very little kid, during my older sister's b-day party, I sobbed because I couldn't pin the tail properly on the donkey lmaoooo
How do you feel about the use of nuclear weapons? Absolutely fucking barbaric.
What song has the most meaning to you? "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne.
What is your favourite dinosaur? Spinosaurus!!!! :')
Have you ever made bread? No.
Has anything ever fallen asleep on you? Pets, a baby I was watching after, and Jason.
Ever been dominated in a game you were/are really good at? yep alskdjfla;jwej
Have you ever decided to set fire to something out of anger? No.
Would you rather be a house pet or a wild animal? Wild animal, I guess?
Have you ever listened to a group of chanting monks? I haven't.
If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? Probably of Teddy. I've still yet to decide on the total design of his tribute tat I'm getting.
Do you like the smell of men’s colognes better than woman’s perfumes? I think so, yeah.
How mad would you be if someone copied your original work (story, poem)? I'd be pretty fuckin pissed.
Have you ever blown something up in science class? Ha, no.
Have you ever gotten a serious wound from shaving? Not serious, no.
Have you invented anything, only to find out it actually exists? I feel like I have?
Ever realize you never truly LOVED your first love? Absolutely not. I loved him.
Would you want a Bachelor/Bachelorette party before you get married? Sure, sounds fun.
Do you prefer pads, tampons or something else? As of very recently, I returned to using pads. I used tampons for most of my maturity, but I got annoyed with them for TMI reasons and resorted back to pads, even though I don't like them either.
Have you ever dated a model? No.
What is your ultimate goal in life? To die happy with my life and what I (hopefully) accomplished.
What colour are the socks you’re wearing today? I’m not wearing any.
Who was the last person you sent a Facebook message to and what did you say? Girt. It was something regarding how I once considered doing the suicide mission at BWW where you eat a select number of their hottest wings, but I didn't wanna die via chicken. :^)
Are you tall, short or average? Would you change this? I'm average in height. I wouldn't change it, nah. Especially now that Girt and I are together the ridiculous height difference is hilarious but also cute lmao.
Have you ever worked in a store while someone shoplifted there? Like, while I was there? No.
Have you ever had casual sex? Nahhhh.
What’s your favourite flavour of frosting? Chocolate. @_@
When you think of your childhood, are the memories mostly happy or sad? Mostly happy, I guess.
What is it like being you? Is it enjoyable? It's very boring with few sources of joy.
What are your thoughts on the cause of homosexuality? I would *assume* it's a genetic mutation. Reason being, having a romantic partnership without the ability to reproduce defies the motives of science. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING, wrong with said (and hypothetical) genetic mutation, though. Mutations are just another part of science. They occur naturally.
What subjects did you find most interesting in school? Least? Most interesting: literature/English (especially reading like, old mythology and epics and stuff like that), LOTS of branches of science (but primarily genetics), art, and I looooved my four semesters of German. Least: ANY and ALL math, history, economics, social studies... that kind of stuff.
Which do you enjoy more–hot or cold beverages? Cold, for sure.
What were some of your favorite bands from childhood? Green Day was one.
Would you be more afraid of drowning or being buried alive? Buried alive, for sure. It would be much, much slower.
Should you really be doing something more productive right now? Well, I SHOULD be sleeping. Today's going to be a long day, because when Girt comes over, he has a tendency to not leave until like fuckin midnight or later alksdjfl;waje
Have you ever lived out of your car? No.
Does your family own more than two houses? HUNNY we r poor.
A relative just committed a very serious crime, do you turn them in? It depends on the exact crime, but odds are, yes. If you're endangering others, byyyyeeee.
You’re in the woods, alone, at night…are you honestly not afraid? Bitch I'm terrified. I have zero survival skills.
You are on life support, what would you want a loved one to do about it? For the love of god, please kill me.
Your child has only a while to live, do you still enroll them in school? That would be up to them. Also, define "a while."
How would you feel if you met your idol and they ended up being rude? WELP I have a tattoo in his honor so that would suck ass lmao
According to the tale, was Eve wrong for eating and sharing the apple? "God was wrong for even setting up an apple tree and making up rules in the first place." <<<< There ya go. And the punishment was fucking ludicrously extreme.
Are you working on any goals? Yes. I'm currently going to the gym regularly to try and better my physical health and then find a job. I know that being connected sounds odd, but trust me: I can barely carry out very simple tasks just because I have absolutely ZERO stamina to do almost anything. I need energy and endurance. I'm also working towards developing some self-love.
Which parent named you? I wanna say my mom.
Are you currently frustrated with someone? I mean, myself. Aforementioned self-love is hard. I'm just annoyed my head is so reluctant to accept that I'm not a piece of shit for a million reasons.
Why have most of your past relationships ended? They all ended for different reasons, really.
Are you having any online conversations, currently? I'm not.
What’s on your mind? I'm just tired and going back to bed real soon.
Have you ever had an argument with a teacher? No.
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Lydia: Skeletons are a weird costume cause you’ve already got one of those inside your body. You’re pretty much a bone Oreo with skin frosting.
The Maitlands: *concern*
Charles: *calling a therapist*
Delia, quietly: not a sucks yes.
Beetlejuice: *applause*
#beetlejuice the musical#beetlejuice#betelgeuse#lydia deetz#adam maitland#barbara maitland#charles deetz#delia deetz
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not so typical love song - ch. 3/13
Chapter Title: Strawberries & Cigarettes
Words: 1,741
Art by @lizzybizzyo! <3
[ one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight (coming soon)]
read on ao3
—
Over the course of the next few weeks, Nico and Blue exchanged numerous emails. Whether he was at school, at home, or anywhere in between, Nico did his best to reply as soon as possible. It even ended in his phone being confiscated a few times in a couple different classes. Nico couldn’t help it, though; every time a new email popped into his inbox there was an unfamiliar fluttering in his heart and itching in his hands to reply just to hear what Blue had to say.
One morning Nico had forgotten to set his alarm, and in his rush to school had no time to read the most recent email from Blue, much less respond to it. He snuck out of lunch and headed for the library and their computers that afternoon. It was a risky task, considering their computers were right there in the open and anybody, including Blue himself, could walk behind him, but it was a risk Nico was willing to take. The service at their school was beyond shitty; Nico really wasn’t in the mood for waiting half an hour just for the email to load. And something about their most recent conversation had Nico’s heart racing.
He had suggested a John Snow costume for himself before casually asking Blue what he planned on dressing up as. He knew for a fact that the Stoll brothers were once again hosting their famous Halloween party that nearly the entire school showed up to. As long as it wasn’t something stereotypical like a pirate or a ghost, there was a chance Nico might be able to at least scope out who Blue may be. It was no secret that Nico’s curiosity was growing on who was behind all the emails, but Blue was a private person and refused to give out too many details.
Nico logged in quickly to his gmail and opened the unread notification in his inbox.
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 28 at 6:07 AM
Subject: Re: Halloween Costumes
I’m sure you would look great in a John Snow costume. Not just anyone can pull off that hair, but something tells me that you can. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a trick or treater.
I’m not dressing up for Halloween though. My mom has this tradition of going to the Halloween open mic night at some bar, which leaves me stuck at home handing out candy. (Don’t worry, I still have pumpkin sweater to wear for the occasion. It’s the ugliest thing you’ll probably ever see.)
For me, Halloween is all about the Oreos with the orange frosting in the middle. I’m not usually one to indulge in a lot of sweets, but chocolate is my downfall. And those Halloween edition Oreos are a personal favorite of mine.
-Blue
While Nico was disappointed to not get any more of a lead on who Blue was, he still felt himself smiling at the Oreo obsession.
He typed out a response as quickly as he could, hoping to still be able to make it back to lunch so he could eat before the period was over.
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 28 at 12:37 PM
Subject: Re: Halloween Costumes
It’s unfortunate that you’re not dressing up, I feel like you would be someone to come up with a witty costume but it’s actually GOOD. (i.e. not the ‘holy cow’ costume I did with my friend a few years back with involved cow onesies and angel wings and halos. Never again.) At least you aren't crushing that childhood trick or treater spirit with that pumpkin sweater, which I hope one day I get to see.
And you’re not wrong about the Oreos. I hope whichever party I’m being dragged along to this weekend has them because they are freaking delicious.
-Angel
He attached a gif of cartoon pumpkins floating down onto an Oreo cookie that was already covered in orange frosting. Just as Nico hit send, Mr. Brunner wheeled up to him.
“Hey, Nico!” Mr. Brunner said. “How are you? You’re smiling pretty big, so there must be something good going on!”
“Oh, um,” Nico cleared his throat as he quickly put the computer to sleep. “Nothing crazy. Just checking grades. I got an A on my English paper.” He actually got a B+, but he needed a coverup quick before Mr. Brunner asked any more questions.
Thankfully, it worked. “Oh, great job!” Mr. Brunner said, placing his hand on Nico’s shoulder. “I’m glad to see you’ve been pretty happy these past few weeks.”
Nico forced a laugh. “Uh, yep. Just having a good month.”
“Good, good.”
There was a few seconds of silence before Nico spoke again. “Anyway, uh, I need to get back to lunch. Have a good day, sir.” He turned quickly, barely catching Mr. Brunner raising an eyebrow at the formal tone. He nearly ran straight into Octavian as he rushed out the library, who just gave him a dirty look, which Nico ignored.
“Where have you been?” Reyna asked once he reaches the courtyard. The weather was nice today, not too cold, unlike the past days that month, so the school allowed students to eat outside if they chose.
Nico dropped down in the seat next to her. “Library. Just checking grades.”
Reyna nodded, clearly not completely believing him. “Here are your burnt tots because you have horrible taste,” she said, thankfully dropping the subject and also said tater tots onto Nico’s tray.
Nico nodded in thanks, before picking the not-quite-ripe banana off his tray. “And here is your green banana because you like disgusting things,” he shot back as he handed it to her. Reyna only hummed in agreement.
Piper looked between the two of them, brow furrowed.. “You guys are weird.”
“You get used to it after a while,” Jason sighed next to them.
They continued to chatter as Will, Cecil, Lou Ellen, and the Stoll brothers slid onto the other two empty benches around their table. Nico ripped open a pack of Oreos that he had brought, which earned him a small lecture from Piper about eating dessert before he had lunch.
“Am I right, Will?” she asked the boy across the table once she’s finished.
Will just shrugged and nodded. “Sure.”
“Thank you.”
As Piper went back to her conversation with Jason and Reyna about halloween costumes, Will nudged his hand. Surprised, Nico looked up at him.
“Oreos,” Will smiled. “I love those. Halloween ones are the best.”
Nico laughed shakily, but it felt like his heart had just leapt to his throat. “Yeah, though good luck trying to get any of mine this time. I don’t give up that easy,” he managed.
“You’re in luck then,” Will said with a grin as he reached into his back pocket “—because I brought my own.” He displayed a package nearly identical to the one Nico was holding, but with orange filling rather than the classic white cream ones in Nico’s hand.
He laughed with Will, but his mind was racing.
Did he just find Blue?
Was is possible that he would find Blue so early on? They had only been talking for about a month, there was no way Blue would drop it easily.
And yet, part of him could hear Will’s voice echoed in some of the emails he’s received. He can imagine Will laughing at his awkward childhood stories, or blushing as he types out one of his own. They’re goofy, fun messages while still being reserved. It would fit for Will.
“Nico? Nico—” Piper waves her hand in his face, zapping him from his trance and tearing his gaze away from Will who, thankfully, was too wrapped up in a conversation with Cecil to notice him staring. “Hello? Anybody home? What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing, sorry. Just tired. Uh, what’s going on?” He blinked a few times, focusing back on Piper. Her brow was furrowed, but she didn’t say anything.
“Just planning the Halloween party,” Travis said from across the table, high-fiving his brother. “Our mom’s out of town for the week again, so we’re going full swing. Everybody’s invited!”
Nico just smiled at the enthusiasm. The Halloween party had been tradition since their freshman year, and it was only getting bigger as they got older. Being surrounded by a bunch of drunk kids wasn’t usually Nico’s choice of event, but this was the only party he ever really attended, so he could stand it. Once a year, at least.
“You are going, right?” Will asked. “Because I couldn’t do karaoke alone.” Nico was surprised that Will was asking him. Maybe deep down he knew something too.
“Yeah,” Nico smiled. “Yeah, I’m going.”
---
Nico found himself watching Will in their environmental science class. It’s last period, the only class they had together. Will sat two rows over from him, and further in the back while Will sits up close to the teachers desk.
Blue’s most recent email, which he received shortly at his lunch, plays in his head. But this time, he hears it all in Will’s voice.
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 28 at 1:21 PM
Subject: Re: Halloween Costumes
I’m glad to see we are in agreement about the Oreos, that would have been a dealbreaker for me.
On a totally different, non-cookie related note: is it weird that I have no idea what you look like but I can’t stop thinking about kissing you?
-Blue
Nico sucked in a breath, hearing those words over and over again, the test in front of him forgotten. Instead, he watched as Will’s curls bounce when he leaned forward, and Nico could just barely see a glimpse of his pink tongue dart from between his lips for just a second as he concentrated. He watched freckled, tan skin that lead from his neck and under his shirt, down his arms all the way to his palms. They danced like stars as Will scribbled in another answer.
“Nico,” the teacher called, and Nico quickly looked over to him. “Eyes on your own paper.”
He’s about to look away when Will turned around and time seemed to stop for a moment. Will flashed a soft smile and shook his head at him. Nico smiled and rolled his eyes back, but inside, it felt like he might explode.
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Frost, amber, fog
frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?
“DO NOT take calculus! It will be terrible and it will make you cry in the middle of the cafeteria and just save yourself the stress and take stats instead!”
amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.
Every opinion I have ever had has deserted me now that I’m asked. Um...
Double stuffed oreos aren’t as good as the regular ones?
fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario?
Not well! I would die quite early. Hopefully for real though, being a zombie would suck.
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Ahh!!!! We went to melao bakery and i'd gotten two pastelles which is great!!!! I love it!!!! And chocolate frosting cause I only like chocolate frosting/chocolate whip cream and I hate white frosting and white whip cream BLEH!!!! I wipe it ALL off to where it looks like nothing was there!!!! And I love the outer Oreos just not crunchiness or anything crunchy as I try to get used to it "nowadays!!!!" Before I would AVOID it!!!! Make it soggy in milk before biting suck on it until not crunchy and not take big bites!!!! But the white creme of the Oreo I hate!!!! I only eat other Oreos!!!! I only hate the original but I used to take off the creme when younger my mom thought I was weird!!!! But overall I love this treat, ill wipe off the white cream and put the pieces back on!!!! And they have chocolate fudge on top!!!! I love it all "the angels put it down there this day just so that I can be the happiest person.... I got a gift from the heavens!!!!" 🌟🔅🐣🔅🌟
*starts-screaming-in-tongues*
GOD, BLESS THE Lord itself, lmfao!!!!
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Piece of Cake
Request: Hi! Can you make an imagine where Damon is having wild sex with the reader in the kitchen and she's bent over the counter? I love your blog!! ! – Anon, Idk if you'd be comfortable writing this, but could you maybe do a daddy Damon smut imagine? If not that's totally okay I get some people aren't comfortable that kinda stuff. – @artsyicon AND Could you do a song fic about Damon x reader with the song cake by Melanie Martinez? – @bloody-doctor
Pairings: Damon x Reader
Warnings: swearing, smut, fluff
Word Count: 1021
I combined these requests since, they’re so similar <3 Hope you guys like this story!
(gifs not mine, credits to owners)
"We'll be back in two days, please don't trash the house." Stefan said, about to leave the boarding house. "And you're part of that, (y/n)." He said, raising an eyebrow. "Jesus, Stef, just leave, be with Elena. God, we're not 5." You fake whined, Damon chuckling beside you. "We promise, brother." Damon sweetly said. "I just don't want to clean up a huge mess–" "Alright, let's leave the older people, huh." Elena said, giggling as she pulled Stefan out of the house and closing the door. You laughed, snuggling close to Damon's chest. Damon stroked down your arm and sighed, snuggling deeper. "I still ask myself 'how did a girl like you, fall into my arms'." You looked up to see him looking down at you. "Uh, because a badass person, such as you, is matched with an equally badass person, and that's who I am." You said, winking at him, causing him to chuckle and give a light kiss on top of your head.
"I didn't want sarcasm." He said. "Well, you're sarcastic, expect me to be one too." You pointedly said. "Touché." "I wanna do something fun!" You suddenly exclaimed, sitting up as you looked at him. He smirked and wiggled his eyes and in return you rolled your eyes at him. "Not that, silly!" You said. "Let's bake a cake!" "Really, (y/n), that's your definition of fun? And you know we will make a mess, right?" He asked. "So what, we're following brooding Stefan's rules now. Technically and physically, I'm older than him." You said, being the smart ass that you are. "It'll be a piece of cake." You said in a sing song voice. He rolled his eyes. "Come on then, let's go make some cake." He said, carrying you and speeding to the kitchen.
Damon's POV
I did so much to get her in my arms, 'she wasn't a piece of cake', I thought. But getting a taste of her was more than rewarding. "So we're making a red velvet cake or an oreo cheesecake?" She asked. "Well, either way, it's gunna have cream cheese." I said. "True, let's make red velvet then." She said and I chuckled. She leaned up and gave me a kiss, a sugary one that is. She did most of the preparing whilst I handed her ingredients, opening containers, and staring at her, almost melting. I found her left behind, disregarded, abandoned. She was vulnerable yet her eyes yielded strength. She stood up by herself even at her weakest. As she placed the pan in the oven, I felt the heat of it just the same as her in my arms, every single night I get to hold her.
"You smell like vanilla." She murmured again my neck as I hugged her to my chest. I chuckled. "And you taste like frosting." I said and sneakily dabbed some to her nose. I swiftly ran across her. "Hey!" She exclaimed, laughing. She then stopped and got a little frosting on her finger before seductively looking at me as she licked it. I smirked. "Two can play this game." I said and sped to her, my hips holding her down against the counter, my hands resting behind her. She leaned up first and I met her in a kiss. She ran her hands up my back, pulling my hair as she leaned up more. Her hands made their way to my pants, swiftly unbuttoning them. I kissed down her neck, sucking gently in her sweet spot. I felt myself harden more as she moaned against my eat and as she stroked my cock against my boxers.
I slid my hand down her shorts and her underwear, feeling just how wet I got her quickly. "Fuck, you're so wet, baby girl, want me inside you?" I huskily asked. "Yes, daddy." Fuck, every single time she uses that, it makes me harder. After one deep kiss, I turned her around, leaving wet kisses along her neck, grinding against her. "Do you want daddy to fuck you right here, baby girl?" I asked. "Yes." She whimpered. "Yes what, baby girl?" I asked again, my fingers rubbing against her, teasing her entrance. "Yes, daddy!" She exclaimed right as I entered a finger. She moaned as I placed another, clutching the edge of the counter. "Fuck me daddy, please." She almost begged, her fingers gripping my hand, soft as cotton.
I pulled down her shorts an then my pants, grinding against her more. I could loudly hear her pitching breathing in anticipation. "Daddy, please." She begged and I entered her tight pussy. "Fuck you feel so good, baby girl." I groaned. I thrusted into her, expanding her, feeling her warmness on my cock. I bent her down the counter, flour getting getting everywhere as I fucked her relentlessly, feeling her clench on my cock as she came repeatedly. I pulled out of her and carried her in my arms, burying my cock deep inside her. "Daddy, yes, fuck!" She screamed, her nails digging into my back. "Yes baby girl, come on daddy's cock." I hissed.
I fucked her from behind once more, my hand swirling around her clit, feeling her grind back into me, clenching, her hands gripping anywhere she could. "Fuck, I'm coming, baby girl." I groaned. "Yes, daddy, come for me." She whispered seductively. I thrusted fast and hard and just as the timer beeped, I bursted inside of her, making it hotter down there than it already is. I gently got off of her, speeding to get a towel to clean us both up. I placed her on top of the counter as I removed the cake from the oven.
"At least we didn't burn it." She chuckled, eating the chilled piece of cake. I nodded and laughed. "Couldn't resist you, baby girl." I said, kissing her swiftly. "And we made a yummy cake!" She proudly said. I nodded and kissed her forehead. I looked behind us towards the kitchen and laughed. "Well, Stef's gunna be cleaning a lot when he comes back." I said. "He always does." She said, continuing to eat her cake.
#damon x reader#damon salvatore x reader#damon salvatore#damon salvatore smut#damon salvatore fluff#smut#fluff#i'm back bishes#lol
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The Devil’s Food
Snackwell’s devil’s food cookie cakes, that iconic ’90s diet food, took up way too many of my middle school snack times — and ruined my childhood in the process
When I was a kid, I spent my afternoons in my mom’s bedroom, watching cartoons I thought I was too old for and eating my afternoon snack. In fifth grade, snack meant twisting apart Oreos to eat the center frosting, and then dipping each half in milk until it teetered on the verge of crumbling. My grandparents watched me and my younger siblings, and sometimes my grandfather would bring a dozen fresh doughnuts from a local bakery: jelly doughnuts dusted in powdered sugar, chocolate cake doughnuts with chocolate glaze, apple pie doughnuts and vanilla doughnuts and my favorite, Boston cream. But in sixth grade, I ruined the only good part of my day by eschewing Oreos and refusing my grandfather’s doughnuts. Instead, I ate Snackwell’s.
Specifically, I ate Snackwell’s devil’s food cookie cakes, a fat-free chocolate cake covered in marshmallow and chocolate, the most iconic product of the ’90s obsession with low-fat foods and the processed food industry’s eagerness to meet that mania with different combinations of the same ingredients — which in Snackwell’s case included lots of high-fructose corn syrup. The cookie cake wasn’t bad, exactly, but it was never satisfying: The puck of chocolate cake was oddly airy, the marshmallow was a purely aesthetic line of white, and the chocolate was waxy and sugary, with a firm crunch. It was like eating a chocolate cupcake whose soul had been sucked out.
If there is a Snackwell’s effect, maybe it’s the false comfort offered by food that looks like pleasure but tastes like denial.
Fat-free products like Snackwell’s offered a bonkers compromise: something that looked like a treat with the offending nutrient removed, which also removed much of the pleasure the treat supposedly provided. As an anxious fat kid in a tiny Catholic school where girls did things like measure and compare the circumference of their thighs, I made this compromise eagerly. I ate Weight Watchers cheesecake and fat-free frozen yogurt and Healthy Choice frozen dinners and grilled chicken sandwiches and every kind of Snackwell’s, from the pointless vanilla sandwich cookies to the truly vile, sludgy brownies. I still feel comforted by the taste of diet foods — the treacly stevia aftertaste of protein powder, or the smooth, slippery texture of an egg bite. But despite the fashion for all varieties of food poptimism, I’m not ready to defend those tastes.
The common wisdom about the ’90s low-fat mania is that America’s decadent puritanism found a way to ruin cookies and still avoid eating apples. This truism has a name: the Snackwell’s effect, which was characterized as the tendency to eat more of a food labeled low-fat or healthy than you would have otherwise. But that line of thinking assumes there is such a thing as good or bad food, or that there’s an appropriate amount to eat of something considered bad. The fact is, fad diets don’t work at all, and sorting food into “good” and “bad” categories cuts off access to pleasure. If there is a Snackwell’s effect, maybe it’s the false comfort offered by food that looks like pleasure but tastes like denial, the hope that the next bite will spontaneously possess the roundness and richness its appearance suggests, while all the while, the tongue keeps score.
Dieticians who help patients give up dieting for good describe the grief the process brings up, a painful assessment of years or decades of restricted eating all for nothing. I was proud of the way I could turn down my grandfather’s doughnuts and eat a fat-free cookie cake instead. Now, my time in that Catholic school is a distant memory, low-fat diets are a scam, and my grandfather is gone. Devil’s food, indeed.
Goldsuit is a painter and graphic designer based in Seattle.
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Snackwell’s devil’s food cookie cakes, that iconic ’90s diet food, took up way too many of my middle school snack times — and ruined my childhood in the process
When I was a kid, I spent my afternoons in my mom’s bedroom, watching cartoons I thought I was too old for and eating my afternoon snack. In fifth grade, snack meant twisting apart Oreos to eat the center frosting, and then dipping each half in milk until it teetered on the verge of crumbling. My grandparents watched me and my younger siblings, and sometimes my grandfather would bring a dozen fresh doughnuts from a local bakery: jelly doughnuts dusted in powdered sugar, chocolate cake doughnuts with chocolate glaze, apple pie doughnuts and vanilla doughnuts and my favorite, Boston cream. But in sixth grade, I ruined the only good part of my day by eschewing Oreos and refusing my grandfather’s doughnuts. Instead, I ate Snackwell’s.
Specifically, I ate Snackwell’s devil’s food cookie cakes, a fat-free chocolate cake covered in marshmallow and chocolate, the most iconic product of the ’90s obsession with low-fat foods and the processed food industry’s eagerness to meet that mania with different combinations of the same ingredients — which in Snackwell’s case included lots of high-fructose corn syrup. The cookie cake wasn’t bad, exactly, but it was never satisfying: The puck of chocolate cake was oddly airy, the marshmallow was a purely aesthetic line of white, and the chocolate was waxy and sugary, with a firm crunch. It was like eating a chocolate cupcake whose soul had been sucked out.
If there is a Snackwell’s effect, maybe it’s the false comfort offered by food that looks like pleasure but tastes like denial.
Fat-free products like Snackwell’s offered a bonkers compromise: something that looked like a treat with the offending nutrient removed, which also removed much of the pleasure the treat supposedly provided. As an anxious fat kid in a tiny Catholic school where girls did things like measure and compare the circumference of their thighs, I made this compromise eagerly. I ate Weight Watchers cheesecake and fat-free frozen yogurt and Healthy Choice frozen dinners and grilled chicken sandwiches and every kind of Snackwell’s, from the pointless vanilla sandwich cookies to the truly vile, sludgy brownies. I still feel comforted by the taste of diet foods — the treacly stevia aftertaste of protein powder, or the smooth, slippery texture of an egg bite. But despite the fashion for all varieties of food poptimism, I’m not ready to defend those tastes.
The common wisdom about the ’90s low-fat mania is that America’s decadent puritanism found a way to ruin cookies and still avoid eating apples. This truism has a name: the Snackwell’s effect, which was characterized as the tendency to eat more of a food labeled low-fat or healthy than you would have otherwise. But that line of thinking assumes there is such a thing as good or bad food, or that there’s an appropriate amount to eat of something considered bad. The fact is, fad diets don’t work at all, and sorting food into “good” and “bad” categories cuts off access to pleasure. If there is a Snackwell’s effect, maybe it’s the false comfort offered by food that looks like pleasure but tastes like denial, the hope that the next bite will spontaneously possess the roundness and richness its appearance suggests, while all the while, the tongue keeps score.
Dieticians who help patients give up dieting for good describe the grief the process brings up, a painful assessment of years or decades of restricted eating all for nothing. I was proud of the way I could turn down my grandfather’s doughnuts and eat a fat-free cookie cake instead. Now, my time in that Catholic school is a distant memory, low-fat diets are a scam, and my grandfather is gone. Devil’s food, indeed.
Goldsuit is a painter and graphic designer based in Seattle.
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