i have beef with A minor
You wanna know how I feel about different musical keys and what they look like? No? Too fucking bad, I’m feeling obnoxious so here’s an entire post about it. If you want to know what to expect, I use the word ‘poggers’ at least once. Go figure.
(Most of these are based on the way I like these keys played on *piano*. The context changes with different instruments so like... I have less beef with A minor if it’s not a goDDAMN BACH PIECE)
C MAJOR - if I had to play a piano piece in C major I would simply refuse to exist. Like, bitch please, n o. It lacks the ✨pizzazz✨ of the black keys. In terms of colors, different chords are mixes of color because of the individual notes (and sometimes the ‘context’ of a chord can change the color of an individual note). C major is too happy for my edgy ass - it’s yellow (from the E), purple (from the G) and reddish purple (from the C). Like... ‘River’ by Joni Mitchell gets a pass on this one because her voice is literally therapy but like... C major can suck my metaphorical (not my physical) ass.
C MINOR - C minor is C major’s badass cousin. He’s a good fellow, nice and dark and especially lovely in Mozart because, again, ✨pizzazz✨. C minor turns that reddish-purple C into a darker blue-green, so the entire thing is morphed in terms of colors - it’s mainly blue green, closest to an ocean color, but with a little sprinkle of purple. (I say this as if I am sharing a recipe for cake). Overall, I love this little bitch, the E flat makes him especially jazzy and he soothes my nonexistent soul
G MAJOR - love-hate relationship with this old gal. (Yes G major uses she/her pronouns you can’t change my mind on this one) Like, piano pieces in G major? Fuck to the no. Weird synth songs? Fuck to the yes. It all depends on the context, because the instrument used to play the note affects the... texture? Like, little shapes... you know what this is fucking difficult to describe in a tumblr post so let’s move onto colors, shall we? G major is light, bright blue, a royal purple, and some hot pink, very bright for my wannabe dark academia little human self. So like... she gets a solid 4/10.
G MINOR - I would marry G minor for tax benefits. Everything about it is wonderful, like that little B flat thrown in there? You’re doing amazing, sweetie! It’s strongly blue, dark blue and lighter sky-blue with stripes of purple thrown in to boot. (Depending in the day, it can also be a very dark turquoise.) ‘Night’ by Kelly Lee Owens is my spirit animal, and it’s in G minor, I FUCKING LOVE IT. And also, of course, Rachmoninoff’s G minor prelude. I just. 13/10 would definitely reccomend. (I also played a piece called Venetian Boat Song in G minor and whooooo boy was I unhealthily obsessed with that little bastard.)
D MAJOR - I’ve dissed on the major keys up until now. D major is pretty poggers. It’s very bright colors, a light teal, bright red, and lime green combined, which is just very pleasant. My inner demon approves. D major is pretty chill - no hard feelings for it, no passionate love. Yeet.
D MINOR - the f in this chord changes the green in D major to purple, which is iNtErEsTing. D minor’s definitely a he/they bastard. (Is... associating genders with keys even a thing lmao am I on drugs) He’s pleasantly dark, not as richly dark as G minor but definitely approaching it. I especially like D minor on wind instruments and in orchestral arrangements - really brings some purple-haired emo vibes into the performance chamber, ya know?
A MAJOR - the very definition of tropical gummy fruit snacks. Strongly bright red, bright green, and lemon yellow. I like it well enough, but if you made me play some A major shit continuously, I’d be throwing miniature plastic hands. It feels like my grandfather’s house with all his fucking tropical bird decorations everywhere and seashells engraved into the wall like honey you’re trying really hard to be extra
A MINOR - THIS MOTHERFUCKER I FUCKING HATE IT. THIS LITTLE SHITHEAD. IF I HAVE TO PLAY ONE MORE FUCKING BACH PIECE IN A MINOR I WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. It’s very, very red, with dashes of orange and yellow and it’s very BRIGHT and NOT DARK ENOUGH TO BE A PROPER MINOR KEY, EXCUSE ME VERY MUCH. ‘Hayloft’ by Mother Mother is the only fucking exception. A minor is a fraud, a fallacy, -2 out of ten would not reccomend unless you’re making some weird electronica song out of it, in which case I will willingly accept. But otherwise: NO, REJECTED, REFUSED, PROHIBITED. (This hatred stems entirely from playing six Bach pieces in A minor, but also from useless existential hatred)
E MAJOR - like A major but ✨better✨ because she doesn’t have any red. (I really only like red if it’s dark enough and paired with the right colors, ‘scuse me for bein’ picky.) They/she because that’s just how it is. Very yellow, bright green, with that blue-ish color that tropical oceans are. Overall, they’re still a bit bright for my demonic, Prokofiev-esque taste, but I vibe with that sometimes.
(Why the fuck am I assigning pronouns to some of these bitches dear stars help my cosmically insignificant little self)
E MINOR - E minor is ‘eh’. It’s like putting too much cream in coffee - too light to be a really loveable minor key. E minor is lemon yellow, a mid purple, and bright blue. Weird ass color combo, you little... you little quintuplet. (That’s an insult). 5/10 would only recommend to fake bitches
B MAJOR - ooooo pretty *holds it like a lil’ bouquet of flowers* I would let B major do a nature photoshoot in my backyard, deadass. It’s light blue, spring grass green, a pleasant teal, and just a dash of yellow like the sun on the grass. Like, pretty poggers, right? (That sentence had the same energy as Shaggy from Scooby Doo saying anything at all.) I tend to like minor keys better but this one’s up there on the list. *hands B major a participation award*
B MINOR - B minor was cool when Tchaikovsky used it. Psychotic chords progressions with B minor? Yea. Boring ass pop ballads with B minor? Y’all gonna get punched in the fucking face. B minor has to be done right or else it’s over for my brain cells. It’s the same colors as B major, except without the yellow and with a heavier emphasis on the light blue. 6/10, would recommend to the dentists and elevators to use in their shitty background music; 10/10 would recommend to depressed gay modern-era Russian composers to wow me with their atonal-ish magic.
F# MAJOR - AWWW HELLL YEAH. Play me some F# major on a guitar and I’ll fall in love with your guitar. *tries to remember the name of that one Fleetwood Mac song in F# major and fails* She’s very very dark, deep purple and deep midnight blue with some bright red for a pleasant contrast. Very Swell Major Key. Would recommend to best friends and highly esteemed drug dealers.
F# MINOR - Very elegant, very style, much like. Although it’s still a ‘bright’ minor key, it feels very green so it’s like... edgy dark forest vibes. Also, opera in F# minor snatches my soul away and buries it in the ground. Very poggers. Very elegant. Along with the green, there are little touches of bright red. Solid 9/10, would recommend to fancy party guests.
Db MAJOR - D flat major is D flat minor’s hyperintellectual mysterious bisexual librarian wife. Too specific? Okay, let’s move on then. She’s a dark major key, a goodie goodie purpley blue red gal, with some black tossed into that lovely little salad. I used to have an obsession with her. I played Claire de Lune for six fucking months. Gone are those days, but I still love D flat major like a good ol’ pal. And she is, of course, a hyperintellectiual mysterious bisexual librarian, so what’s not to love? 13/10.
Db MINOR - POGGERS AS FUCK. I ALSO HAD AN OBSESSION WITH THIS DUDE. (Fantasie Impromptu babyyyyy) D flat minor is D flat major’s depressed secret-passage espionage emo hyperintellectual husband. They’re a perfect couple. D flat minor really changes the colors - it’s dark green, turqoise, a bright blue, with some yellow and black mixed in. Very dark, very lovely, very black coffee vibes. I fucking love him. 15/10 would recommend to myself to provoke those edgy sad feelings.
Ab MAJOR - Pretty swag major key. He wears sunglasses like a cool dudebro. A flat major is mid-purple, bright and dark red, and a little bit of pink, with a pinch of black thrown in like a sprinkle of salt from Gordon Ramsay chucking it at your face. I especially love chord progressions with this one as the tonic. Yee haw, solid 9/10.
Ab MINOR - OH HELL YEAH. This is the key I improvise in when I’m having a mental breakdown✌️. It’s literally perfect for that. Dark turqoise and a more green-leaning dark blue, bright blue, black, bits of yellow from the implied shift to E major. It’s just so dark I love it omg Ab minor is like a dark dystopian city or a mansion in the woods I want to give it a hug. 15/10 would recommend to aliens if they visited earth.
Eb MAJOR - Pretty similar to A flat major, except with lots of emphasis on the purple, and with a little bit of bright blue and lemon yellow. A fairly dark major key, so I like it a lot, also has some very pog possible chord progressions. No particularly strong feelings for it, but I give a solid 9/10.
Eb MINOR - I WOULD MARRY E FLAT MINOR FIVE TIMES FOR EVEN MORE TAX BENEFITS. MY SECOND FAVORITE KEY. SOOO FUCKING DARK. LIKE DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE BUT BETTER BECAUSE IT’S IN YOUR EARS AND YOUR BRAIN. Dark midnight blue, deep blue-purple, sprinkles of yellow, sometimes deep turquoise, all around FUCKING GREAT. Sadly not many songs utilize it, so I’m left trying and failing to bang shit out on my little keyboard. PETITION TO GET MORE BITCHES TO USE E FLAT MINOR PLEASE AND THANK YOU. 20/10 VERY SWAG AND PERFECTLY MOODY.
Bb MAJOR - Fairly decent, but very... oh what’s that word... happy. Sky blue with lots of light purple and... kind of... orange? Ish? Kinda? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. I don’t like it all that much, but it ain’t horrible, no-siree. Mixed feelings. B flat major is like when you’re really restless but you don’t have anything to do.
Bb MINOR - The monarch. The ruler. The one that tops them all. THE BESTEST BITCH IN TOWN. MY FAVORITEST. THE HEAD HONCHO. Fills my nonexistent soul every fucking day. Like everything dark and beautiful and nighttime and the moon and YEAH. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Fantastic, show-stopping, wondrous, awesome - you know. Dark, dark blue. Dark, dark turquoise. Dark, dark purple. Black. Many shades of grey. SO GOOD. I WOULD MARRY B FLAT MINOR TEN TIMES FOR TAX BENEFITS. It’s like being underground or underwater at night and everything’s quiet and then BAM, B FLAT FUCKING MINOR IN YOUR EARS AND YOU ARE WEEPING AT MIDNIGHT BECAUSE YOU CANNOT FUCKING SLEEP AND UR LISTENING TO RACHMONINOFF. MAYBE. OR SOMETHING. JUST. SO FUCKING GOOD. 1000/10 WOULD RECOMMEND TO THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET
F MAJOR - EW. i know this is very anticlimactic after the above BUT. F major is very reddish-purple and royal purple and red and orange and EW. SO BRIGHT. Like, sometimes it can be good, if it’s a Motown song or something but on piano? FUCK TO THE NO. THIS BITCH IS PAINFULLY JOYOUS.
F MINOR - WAYYYY better than F major. Much darker. Quite dark, in fact. I love it very much, especially since it can easily be paired with Eb minor or Bb minor. Royal purple, blue, a brighter purple, and some mid-light turquoise. Fairly decent, fairly likeable, would hand you a popsicle on a hot summer day. An acquaintance who treats you with respect.
To conclude, I have married approximately 16 times solely for tax benefits. Also, I am so fucking bored. So fucking bored. What am I doing with my life if not creating long tumblr posts?
oh my fucking tardigrades or whatever why the hell did i write this it’s fucking tuesday
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