#online school has absolutely fucked up my grades

[inkskinned]

she's three years younger than i am, and i put on cascada as a throwback, cackling - before your time! i've been borrowing my brother's car, and it's older than dirt, so the trunk is like, maybe permanently locked. when the sun comes through the window to frame her cheekbones, i feel like i'm 16 again. i shake when i'm kissing her, worried i won't get it right.

in 2003, my state made gay marriage legal. where she grew up, it wasn't legal until 11 years later - 10 years ago. if legal protections for gay marriage were a person, that person would be entering 5th grade. online, a white gay man calls the fight for legal marriage boring, which isn't kind of him but it is a common enough opinion.

it has only been 9 years since gay marriage was nationally official. it is already boring to have gay people in your tv. it is already boring to mention being gay - "why make it your entire personality?" i know siblings that have a larger age gap than the amount of time it's been legally protected. i recently saw a grown man record himself crying about how evil gay people are. he was begging us, red in the face - just do better.

i am absolutely ruined any time my girlfriend talks about being 27 (i know!! a child!), but we actually attended undergrad at the same time since i had taken off time to work between high school and college. while walking through the city, we drop our hands, try not to look too often at each other. the other day i went to an open mic in a basement. the headlining comedian said being lesbian isn't interesting, but i am a lesbian, if you care. as a joke, she had any lesbian raise their hand if present. i raised mine, weirdly embarrassed at being the single hand in a sea of other faces. she had everyone give me a round of applause. i felt something between pride and also throwing up.

sometimes one thing is also another thing. i keep thinking about my uncle. he died in the hospital without his husband of 35 years - they were not legally wed, so his husband could not enter. this sounds like it should be from 1950. it happened in 2007. harassment and abuse and financial hardship still follow any person who is trying to get married while disabled. marriage equality isn't really equal yet.

and i don't know that i can ever put a name to what i'm experiencing. sometimes it just feels... so odd to watch the balance. people are fundamentally uninterested in your identity, but also - like, there's a whole fucking bastion of rabid men and women who want to kill you. your friends roll their eyes you're gay we get it and that is funny but like. when you asked your father do you still love me? he just said go to your room. you haven't told your grandmother. disney is on their 390th "first" gay representation, but also cancelled owl house and censored the fuck out of gravity falls. you actively got bullied for being gay, but your advisor told you to find a different gimmick for your college essay - everyone says they're gay these days.

once while you were having a hard day you cried about the fact that the reason our story is so fucking boring to so many people is that it is so similar. that it is rare for one of us to just, like, have a good experience across the board. that our stories often have very parallel bends - the dehumanization, the trauma, the trouble with trusting again. these become rote instead of disgusting. how bad could it be if it is happening to so many people?

i kiss my girlfriend when nobody is looking. i like her jawline and how her hands splay when she's making a joke. there is nothing new about this story, sappho. i love her like opening up the sun. like folding peace between the layers of my life, a buttercream of euphoria, freckles and laughter and wonder.

my dad knows about her. i've been out to him since i was 18 - roughly four years before the supreme court would protect us. the other day he flipped down the sun visor while driving me to the eye doctor. "you need to accept that your body was made for a husband. you want to be a mother because you were made for men, not women." he wants me to date my old high school boyfriend. i gagged about it, and he shook his head. he said - "don't be so dramatic. you can get used to anything."

the other day a straight friend of mine snorted down her nose about it, accidentally echoing him - she said there are bigger problems in this world than planning a wedding.

#splled ink #writeblr #it's really hard to describe what im feeling

[textfromthelookout]

Did you hear of the news?

I have. :(

Everyone else has their tributes so, here, a summary of my experience with Dragon Ball.

I was in fourth grade art class. A kid had the February 2005 issue of Shonen Jump, back when Shonen Jump was still physically printed here. I recognized Atem on the front cover because the Blockbuster around the corner from our house had DVDs (I think they were DVDs and not VHSs then since I distinctly remember it having a menu and special features) of some of the later episodes of Duelist Kingdom and my brother and I watched them on repeat. So I was like oh, hey, what's this? They make books of that stuff? I don't remember the conversation but the kid ended up giving me that issue, and I took it home with me.

There were a LOT of significant, groundwork things happening in that issue, now that I think about it. We were just beginning to see Sanji truly in action against Pearl. The Dark Tournament was in it's early stages still with Roto fucking around and finding out against Kurama. Sakura shears off her hair in a move that rearranged sexualities the world over. The reason Atem was on the cover was because Yu-Gi-Oh Millennium World was just debuting its first and second chapter. Bleach wasn't even serialized yet. And Dragon Ball, of course, was also there, about a hundred and fifty chapters ahead of everybody else.

Keep in mind that this was my first experience with manga, period. So my very first experience with Dragon Ball opened on this:

and ended on this:

Yeah. Truth be told, at the time Yu Yu Hakusho piqued my interest more than Dragon Ball (a guy fighting with plants? how creative!) but I never did forget these chapters. I thought the art style was so different from the others.

At some point after this, probably between several months and a year and a half, the TV happened to be on one evening when Toonami was airing Dragon Ball Z. Oh hey, I said, I recognize that art, I know those characters. So I hung around and watched some of episode 281. Two things about watching that episode stick with absolute crystal clarity in my mind to this day. Firstly: Buu choking Vegeta out with his arm freaked me the FUCK out as a child. I could not tell you why I had a fear reaction to it but hey, there you go. The second is this:

Specifically I remember 'You died once. If anything happens to you now, you won't exist anymore. There'll be nothing I can do to bring you back.' Not precisely word for word over the years, but Schemmel's tone of voice on this particular lineread. If I had to guess I'd say it was because at that point in my life, uh, death was kinda permanent? So wait, what do you mean died ONCE. Doesn't that apply to everyone?

This still wasn't enough to get me super invested in it though, it just didn't seem like something that would appeal to me that much. So a couple years go by, I don't think about it all that much, and then of course, TFS hits the scene and drops DBZ Abridged. So you know. As a shithead middle schooler with a shithead sense of humor I thought it was the best damn thing since sliced bread. (My biggest character flaw is that I still think a lot of Season 1 is genuinely funny)

And that was really the extent of my interaction with the franchise for the next several years. Say what you will about DBZA but they did manage to put it all together such that someone who had a nonexistent concept of what the original context was could grok it with not a lot of effort. Some time in high school, I think I was around 15, I decided to bite the bullet and read all the manga, as much to increase the funny factor of DBZA as sheerly for the sake of being able to say I had. Stick it to the other weebs, y'know. Now they can't say I didn't know anything about good anime. This was unfortunately at a time when all that was available online were dirty poor-quality scans and questionable translations, but read it I did. I went 'yep, that sure is about what I expected', and proceeded to get on with my life. GT came and went, I looked up and saw Battle of Gods coming out and went 'oh hey that's still a thing huh', kinda was peripherally aware of all the divisiveness of Super as it was happening, didn't really pay it much attention, just stuck to DBZA and quite a lot of wiki-ing.

And then, this time of year about three years ago now, in the middle of conversation with @prophecydungeon, Dragon Ball somehow came up. Something to do with 'Even though I'm not hugely into DBZ's story or whatever Toriyama does have some great character designs' (yes I was referring to Vegeta and Future Trunks at the time, no i will not stop being predictable, yes i am a parody of myself). They eventually brought up the DBS Broly movie and said, and i quote: 'that was a solid 1.5h of unbelievably fun and wacky animation'. Having seen the Gogeta vs Broly part of it on twitter and been like 'damn that animation's kinda off the hook actually, good for them good for them', my response was to be like. Oh word? I've got a spare hour and a half to kill, sure, fuck it, why not, time to watch DBS Broly.

I think that movie was precision crafted to hit me in the hyperfixation, if we're being honest. Opening on a solid 20 minutes of Lore and Worldbuilding and then having most of the rest of the runtime being mindless slobberknocker fun by way of some of the hardest animation flexes ever? I was done for.

In summation. I have been aware of Dragon Ball for a lot of my life, in that its presence was pervasive and enduring as I grew up. I may have been late to the game of actually wholeheartedly enjoying it, but enjoy it I do. Dragon Ball is the roots of a vast tree of anime, and in reading it I began to understand why that is. I respect it for that, and I love it for that. My current fixation may have shifted, but as far as time devoted to one individual thing goes... it took me a year and a half to watch my way through all of the anime and read all of the manga. ALL of it. So there's something good in there, I'd say.

#rip to a legend #text from the mod #tangentially related: i am not actually dead #it's just that between school and my job and the pirate brainrot #(the previous four months of which was feverishly consumed with a 16k word project) #i have had neither time nor impetus to make dragon ball funnies #there is also the fact that my stupid autism brain is still fuming over the website changes #that have fucked up the Aesthetique of the text posts and made them much more annoying to get in a usable form #thus adding steps to what was a simple and comfortable process #and aforementioned idiot dumb brain has not stopped pitching a bitch fit over the inconvenience. #i know it's a stupid hangup. believe me i am fully aware. but there is so little i can do about it #so i am sorry about my long absence. i really truly am. #especially to the asks that have been chillin in my inbox for all this time now #it's just that they're interesting questions that deserve me giving 100% of my brainpower to them ya feel #i want to devote appropriate attention to these little funnies and not phone it in or half ass it LOL

[campbyler]

if i may ask, i am v curious when the party got their cars/how long theyve had them

ella i hope you don't hate me from harboring this ask since the end of august bc i really did mean to answer it sooner. i love u mwah.

mike: some of the lore surrounding the mustang has now been revealed through chapter 9.1, but to reiterate for the purpose of this ask: mike really wanted to get a car with manual transmission, and wanted something used so it could be a purchase he made himself. he did a lot of research online and in person before finding the mustang, which he did think was a little gaudy, but to me he's also a pretty big car buff and likes a lot of classic models -- no matter anyone's feelings on mustangs as a whole, it is a very iconic car with a lot of history, so mike definitely appreciates that a lot. he had nancy co-sign but he paid for everything himself! as of acswy, he's had it for just over a year!

will: will's car is also used, and also something he (mostly) paid for by himself! originally he was going to inherit jonathan's car but like in the show, it died. rip. but hopper Knows A Guy who works on and then sells a lot of used cars and that's who they ended up buying will's car from. he got it when he turned 17 for around ~$2500 since hop's friend cut them a deal, and he paid for Most of that himself (using money he's saved up from camp and the part-time job he had during the school year when he was in hs) and hop and joyce covered the rest. that said, will does pay them back on a monthly basis and pays for his own gas and insurance, so to him they didn't help at all (even tho they helped more than mike's parents did lol). by the start of acswy, he's paid his parents back in full and now just worries about the insurance payments.

lucas: lucas's parents and smart and invest and told their beautiful talented son that if he worked hard and got good grades they would buy him a car for graduation. so he did. and then also got a full ride scholarship to uconn to play basketball and his parents said oh ok slay boy. thanks so much. so since they are saving on a LOOOT of tuition and room and board fees they said we will get you a nice car. and lucas said bet, hellcat? and his mom said ABSOLUTELY NOT and his dad said ABSOLUTELY. mike was fuming btw. if you care.

max: tbh we haven't so super fleshed out a lot of max's family lore so i'd have to consult w suni re: current arrangements BUT 2 me max shares her car w her mom. i think her mom works from home and when she needs to go somewhere uses max's step dad's car just so that max can have some extra freedom. it's also my headcanon that max is the oldest in the friend group so she got her license first and was will and el's designated chauffeur for a while <3

el: el Just got her car and license before the start of acswy! i think she's the youngest in the party and she had will and max to drive her places so there was truly no need to get her license or car until now, plus i think she had some driving anxiety. she also got her car thru hop's friend but it was a little more expensive than will's since it's a bit newer and a nicer model, but she's had more time to save up for it! she mostly got one because she wanted to be able to have something to drive back at school, and also because she's more willing to admit than will is that the cobalt is not going to last super long, so one of them needs to have a car lol.

dustin: dustin got his car from his mom when she upgraded to a new one and while most people would complain dustin said FUCK YEAH because he loves his mom's car and also didn't have to spend a single dime on it lol. i think he got it when he was 17 as well so he also drove lucas and mike around for a bit before they got their cars as part of the indy crew!

AND THAT IS IT. THAT IS ALL. I HOPE THIS WAS WORTH IT AT ALL

#asks #acswy reference #acswy spoilers #<- just in case someone hasn't read ch9

[dragonflies-draw-flame]

10 fandoms/10 characters

Many thanks to @tomatette, @jaynesilver, and @fallingdeeperintothispit for tagging me 😁.

Star Wars (Sequels): Armitage Hux. I really do love Kylo too—Ren is such an interesting, dramatic character, and he's absolutely perfect for Hux, seriously. But Hux with his emotional unavailability, hard, overly-composed exterior, his passion/drive to the point of his own detriment, traumatic past...he's everything I could want in a character, because I am also all of these hard-to-love things (though thankfully minus the space fascism).

Star Wars (Prequels): Anakin Skywalker. Look, I know he's a bit whiny sometimes but damn if I don't love a murderous pretty boy on a fool's errand for the person he loves. Mystical space powers and dramatic sweeping outfits are just an added bonus.

Beauty and the Beast: the Beast. For the handful of people following my BatB Kylux fic, this is TOTALLY shocking, I know (and also you guys are amazing ❤️). I do love Belle—she's a book-loving introvert, so that's a given. But the Beast (notice I didn't say Prince Adam)...yeah, I did NOT know how to deal with my attraction to him when I was younger. Mercurial, cursed, awkwardly endearing, dark-haired, passionate, and desirously fluffy?! Wears dramatic capes, has an enchanted rose determining his future, and has the library of my dreams that he is willing to share?? What the fuck more could I want?!

LOTR trilogy: Aragorn. Do I really need to explain that to anyone?? (Also: sorry, Legolas...you were a VERY close second).

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Jemma Simmons. Brilliant, adorable style, much more resilient than she looks. Her quote that goes "Past events...have shown me that I’m not good at improvisation. However, I excel at preparation" is not that great out of context here, unfortunately, but regardless, it was so validating to me. Me too, Jemma!!

Once Upon a Time: Killian Jones (Captain Hook). My husband loves this show, so we have watched it so many times. Hook is a seductive, charming bad boy who eventually really does try his best. And his pirate get-up? UGH, have mercy. (Also, wow, apparently I really, really have a thing for pretty, dark-haired, dangerous men who wear mostly black INCLUDING at least one garment that falls to at least knee length. Huh. That's...rather specific.)

Harry Potter: Hermione Granger. I related hard to a bookish girl who had a hard time making friends when I read these in grade school.

Howl's Moving Castle: Howl. I did not know how to process the extent to which I was attracted to him either, especially because he's not even human some of the time (which I liked, a lot). It was a revelation to find the world of online fanfic where I was very much not alone in those kind of thoughts!

Mean Girls: Janis Ian. Yeah, I know Janis does some shitty things in this movie, but she is unapologetic about who she is. I totally admired her boldness in high school, especially since I too dealt with the horror of rumors being spread about my sexuality (except the ones about me were true ahaha). And I always leaned much more Victorian goth than punk, but I nonetheless appreciated her style as well.

t.A.T.u.: Lena. I would be remiss to leave off this duo, even if they were a musical group, which is not one of my usual fandom sources. BUT they were the first pairing I actually read fanfic about online, way back when, and wrote a ton for them too (unpublished). For a 12-year-old who was struggling massively with...well, everything, but especially feeling incredibly alone and terrified of my sexuality, their music video/song "All the Things She Said" blew my mind. Unfortunately I never got my own chance to make out/run away with a pretty redhead in the rain, but still.

Tagging: I think I've seen this done by most people I follow already? But if you haven't done this and are reading it, please consider yourself tagged and do so, if you wish! I love these get-to-know-you things and would genuinely love to hear about you :).

[bitchkay]

Predicament

My hair needs doing

Right

Needs a wash and a fresh style

Need to buy shampoo and braiding hair, I have some in my stash but yall know I wear green hair I need to top up

The issue

Graduation pictures

I am in my third year and I will be graduating from this college come june

I have get grad pic done soon

I'm not one of them white girls that cam wake up in the morning and curl they hair nah this shit need to be planned out, this shit need to be scheduled, this is type 4 hair on this head

Now I was gone pop out with my star ponytails and get my hair cut this undercut getting real nappy

But if I'm getting graduation pictures I cant do that hair style, imma need this head to be in a style that can fit under a graduation cup hun

But I cant do box braids again, not yet anyway

I had braids in my highschool grad pictures, I cant be a hairstyle repeater who do you think I am

I'm nothing if not intricate with my hairstyles, imma get braids but not for this occasion okay baby

I gotta look at least a little classy, imma still have my green hair, imma still look like I spent three years in art school but imma look like a damn college graduate okay

I had a frohawk for my grade 8 too graduation, I always pop out😚

However comma

I was thinking of getting a buss down middle part green wig for my actual graduation like the ceremony

What if I just got that a little earlier for the pictures and get it reinstalled for the ceremony

HOWEVER COMMA

We low on funds baby

Wigs are expensive and imma(probably????????????) be going on a little grad trip w/ my friends and I still ain't paid my share, I still have some time before I absolutely need to but bitch the cost of my share would leave me w/ 75 cents💀💀 left over in my bank account

I do not be having the money for no wig bitch I dont be having the money to go nowhere either I might not even go tbh as much as I want too

The real problem here tho is

What the fuck do I do w my hair

I wanna do my star ponytails but I can't wear that in grad photos especially since it cant fit that comfortably under a graduation cap not to mention compared to my highschool photos it wont compare like I'm not 17 anymore you know, I'm gonna be 21 this year

My grad pictures just have to be kvnt I wont accept less

Also if I do end up braiding my hair it has to be specific like I'm actually going to be picky about that

Which would mean ordering the braiding hair online the same way I'd have to order the wig

And again a bitch does not gave money and a bitch does not have time either like I need to get these pictures done soon if I'm going to get them

I also need to apply to graduate soon--

I also should be worrying about some of my classes so that I can graduate--

ANYWAY

I don't know what to do with my hair😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And I'm gonna stress about it😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I'm gonna throw up all that rice if I don't get this anxiety undercontrol😣😣

#kay in real life

[conkreetmonkey]

(heavy academic vent post, don't read if you're not in the mood. I don't want to bring anyone's vibe down. Minors pls don't read!)

So last night I found out that I missed an important assignment that's probably going to cost me a credit. I previously missed one, which was no biggie because it was only worth 15%, but this one was worth 20%. It doesn't seem like a big deal until it's taken into consideration that the final exam, taking place tomorrow, is worth a whopping 40% of the final grade, so even if I absolutely ace the exam, which I probably won't because I'm only human, the highest possible mark I can get is 65%, which I probably won't because the 15% assignment was marked by the unseen hardass TA who the teacher has had to keep reigned in because they don't even look at the assignment rubric and just go absolutely feral, docking marks for things the teacher explicitly told us to do and needing to be corrected on it.

(btw, the outstanding 10% is the stupid online discussion posts that I have not done for any class because I would honestly rather tear out all my toenails with a pair of pliers than subject myself to that. 2020 gave me a stress response to that shit. It feels like the academic equivalent of being forced to do a dance by a Walmart manager)

Since I bombed almost every class last year, my parents have told me I need to pass every class this year or they will withdraw financial support, something I totally agree is fair because I wasted so, so much tuition and residence money on pretty much zilch. The thing is, until last night, I thought I was passing. My father has withdrawn the money from my college fund and will soon be paying for my next semester (I paid for the first). Due to this, I am going to have to tell them I may fail a course and they should hold on to the money. They're probably going to be very, very mad. It's going to ruin an entire evening and it will cement me as the disappointing formerly gifted child for the foreseeable future.

The thing is, I can't tell them tonight like I've been steeling myself for because they've decided we're putting up the stupid Christmas tree. They're tidying the house for the obligatory happy family photo ops, as if we all haven't had a bad year for reasons too private to describe. So now I have to get tidied up and pretend to be a cheerful little clam for the phone camera, knowing I have to get up at 8:00 tomorrow to get fucking slaughtered by multiple exams, drag myself home, and tell my parents that I've failed them yet again. Putting up the tree at all just feels cynically bittersweet at this point. The youngest child has grown out of Santa, but we all have to keep up the act out of pure obligation to a tradition originating in happier times. While tidying, my mom threw out a houseplant I got her for mother's day, and it stung more than I'd like to admit. She claimed it was "pretty much" dead, but we all know it wasn't. She threw it out with a perfectly good pot attached. Basically, she's in one of those Mom Moods, where she leeches vibe arsenic into the air, making the rest of the day feel like walking on napalm-filled eggshells.

I feel trapped, and I'm tortured by the knowledge that I brought this on myself by forgetting about an assignment. I hate school so goddamn much, but I need to keep forcing myself through because a) I'll never survive in this economy otherwise, and b) if I don't use the rare oppourtunity of being able to attend university as a guy in a first-world country, I'll feel like an ungrateful POS for the rest of my life. I still feel like I should be forcing myself to become a doctor even though I don't want to and it's not expected of me, just because it's the "correct" thing to do. Instead, I'm shooting for a worthless bachelors of English that I don't even want just because if I'm not in uni I'll be obligated to work a shitty factory job until my bones crack to make up for it. No matter which way I go, I'm either miserable or a disappointment, and surviving outside of this house is impossible no matter what I do because this country's economy is collapsing in on itself. Even with my low-value degree, I'd be barely scraping by. I don't want any university degree. I hate university while studying something I like. Getting a valuable degree like business administration or bookkeeping would be like chewing glass. It's probably not even feasible if I couldn't manage this.

No matter which way I go, I'm trapped. I'm miserable in school, but making a living without a valuable degree in this country is impossible. No matter what I do, I'll be living in my parents' basement for at least the next 3-5 years because the rent in this town is absurd, so living somewhere else would mean full-time min wage employment with at least 2 roommates, and I'd be counting individual dollars at the Walmart checkout with no real prospect of saving.

I want to sprint away from my life screaming and start over, but that would be a death sentence. My only option is school and I hate it and I know I can do it but I have so much executive dysfunction that it feels like climbing Mt. Everest, as does doing much of anything aside from sleeping. My antidepressants aren't cutting it anymore. There's no way I couldn't be depressed in these circumstances, where I'm surrounded by options and they're all shit sandwiches. I doubt therapy or upping my prozac dosage would even help. The problem is the crushing pressure and lack of non-miserable prospects. No matter what I do, the next 5 or even 10 years of my life are set to be a miserable slog. There's no escape.

I wish I could run, but where could I go? It's just as bad everywhere. You cannot land a non-body-ruining job that allows you to afford rent without a degree anymore, simple as. Because of AI, I couldn't even make money writing/drawing porn anymore, which has been my backup plan since forever. The only way out of this basement is through school, and due to the fuckup that broke the camel's back, I'm probably going to have to put myself through it, all while my parents think less and less of their previously "gifted" child (aka, I was neurodivergent but went undiagnosed and thus had a lonely childhood. People knew and never told me). I want to explode. I wish I could get hit by a car and break all my bones so it wouldn't all be my fault anymore, and I could sue and finally stop worrying about money. I am so close to just pulling an internet scam so I can have enough money to get out of this life. I need out and there's no way out. I need money and there's no way to make money. I'm tired and stressed all the time and I want to scream and I can't even complain about it because I'm technically priveliged. I should be happy that I get to go to school because this is the best there is. I hate living in this world. I want to escape but I can't. I'm a rat in a cage.

#vent post #tw vent #vent #personal vent #venting

[maddies-chronicles]

I love your mcs! Next question: do you have anything written for their stories you want to share like a sneak peak,,, if not then wanna spoil a big emotional moment they have? I like spoilers

(i got a little excited answering this ask i'm so sorry in advance)

also sorry in advance for the many, many tws and cws i did NOT realise how dark my writing was???

YES what if i just start posting random scenes for you guys. what if i did that. okay i would love to post the entire first chapter but it turns out i didn't finish that sooooo have spoily spoiler instead... unfortunately it does not hit as hard without the context of the rest of the story, so i'll give a bit of contextualization first

morgan (they/them) has spent almost their entire life with only like... two friends, and one of then had been their sister, jill (she/her). jill is in the same year, so morgan, jill, and their mutual best friend mateo (he/him) have pretty much grown up together. during grades 1-5 (ages 5ish to 11ish for all my non-north american friends) morgan makes a friend named joel (he/him). they're close for a bit, but then in fifth grade some stuff changes and eventually they're not even on speaking terms anymore. coincidentally, jayden moved to the school and befriended joel around the same time. consequently, morgan blames him for "stealing" joel.

around 9th grade morgan realises that mateo is lowkey abusing/grooming and isolating them from all of their peers, so they cut ties with him. their sister does not, which they are understandably resentful over.

(also side tangents but i'm gonna put tws in the foreword of my books... i think everyone should do that tbh. it would make consuming content a lot more accesible imo. this has nothing to do with the ask i just thought of that while i was tagging)

anyway, up until this scene, morgan was under the impression that jayden had gang-raped someone with his entire friend group. this turns out to be something mateo made up about jayden to get morgan to stay away from him.

don't lie about rape kids. i absolutely should not have to be the one to tell you that. but i will. because apparently some people just fuck around and do it anyway (not to get personally upset online but like i said... an unfortunate amount of these events were real things that happened to or around me as a child.)

okay here's the actual scene 💀:

“I don’t understand what I did to you!” I shouted. I could feel tears pricking at my eyes and the only thought it my head was God, this is so fucking embarrassing. “And- and I keep trying to make it better, but you won’t let me! And that would be fine if I at least knew what I was being fucking shunned for-”

“How could you possibly not know?” they demanded angrily. “Everyone knew! Mateo told me-!”

And then they stopped. Their eyes glazed over. Tears gathered at the corners of their eyes, and they started laughing.

Laughing.

“Ha. Haha. Hahaha.”

It started slow at first, but then they just kept laughing until they were in full-out hysterics, laughing and crying. Their knees buckled, and suddenly they were sitting on the ground, right in the goddamn snowbank. I hated them for a minute, because I was supposed to be angry, but all I could feel in that moment was concern.

“What?” I demanded, legitimately scared. “What did Mateo tell you I did?”

They had both hands over their mouth, either to keep from sobbing or to stop laughing. I think they were scaring themself as much as they were scaring me. Then, they said something I’ll never forget.

“It doesn’t matter. Not a word he ever said was true.”

#spoilers for 008 #008 spoilers #ignore the numbers thats how i refer to my wips #grooming tw #abuse cw #tw abuse #abuse tw #emotional abuse tw #rape tw #tw rape #tw rape mention #rape mention tw #abuse mention #abuse mention tw #abuse ment tw #vent tw #cw vent #vent post #vent #tw vent #personal vent

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

[TWs: Intrusive thoughts, CSA and Online NCCSA mentions, rape mentions, self harm mentions (specifically via cutting), masturbation mentions, there will probably be a suicide mention too but I'm not sure I'm writing this before writing the actual post] Hey. You probably don't remember me, so I'll reintroduce myself. I'm ☀️, that's what I went by last time anyway. I'm 15 now, and I still have all the same issues. I've been groomed and/or sexually objectified five times, developed intrusive thoughts after the fifth time, still struggling with hypersexuality and compulsive masturbation, ADHD, there's a high chance I have Moral OCD or POCD maybe both I don't know, and it's been I think a good six months since my previous real message And I'm here again because everything has gotten ten times worse. I found out a few months ago that I often have intrusive thoughts when I'm aroused or masturbating, meaning when I engage in any type of sexual activity with myself, my thoughts that I find arousing are often in the same presence as thoughts I find disgusting all the while I'm still bodily aroused, and I do not think I have to say just how absolutely fucking awful that feels. That is a feeling I wouldn't wish on even the most deplorable people in the world. And because I am hypersexual and compulsively masturbate, nothing will ever truly satisfy me, so I am forced to feel this torture again and again and again until i am physically too tired to do any more. I've never been actually raped or assaulted thank god but I feel like this is the closest I'll ever get to experiencing it cause it honestly feels like I'm assaulting myself. And it's been too much. I don't know when it started but I know it was this month, but recently I've started cutting my upper arms and shoulders with a knife that's in my room. It's not a sharp knife as it's part of a gold utensils set, but it's enough to leave scars. I know I'm doing a bad thing to myself but I'm honestly starting to not care, maybe I deserve it for allowing myself to sink this low. That's not to say it's been all bad, I've recently taken up both platonic and romantic self shipping to sorta distract myself from all of these problems, and it has been nice but even that has had it's down side. One of my platonic f/os (fictional ones) is a character that I see as my little sister due to our similar traumas, and that has been sweet, but recently all of my intrusive thoughts have been about her. I would never hurt her or draw anything gross with her that's my goddamn baby, but that doesn't stop intrusive thoughts I'm honestly just at a loss on what to do. If it weren't for the fact that I have people who care about me I probably would've jumped off a balcony by now, and I'm not planning on doing that because that's stupid, I'm not going to hurt other people just because I'm hurt. But honestly, the other options don't seem pleasing either. I'm definitely dropping out of high school once I legally can because I've just about given up on my education, I've missed weeks of schoolwork due to my mental health and I'm definitely going to have to repeat the 9th grade. And I don't have a chance in college. I'm barely able to draw anymore because of my mental health so I probably can't make a job out of that, and there's honestly not much out for me. The only thing I have is my cringy story that probably won't become an actual thing until I'm like 17. At this point, I feel hopeless. Please tell me what you would do in my shoes.

HI ☀️,

I remember you and I appreciate you reintroducing yourself. I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten worse for you lately. It takes a lot of courage to open up about your struggles, and please know you're not alone.

The presence of intrusive thoughts during sexual activities can be distressing and confusing, especially when they involve things that goes against your values and beliefs. It's important to remember that intrusive thoughts are not a reflection of who you are as a person or your true desires. They are a common experience, especially for trauma survivors.

Please know that intrusive thoughts don't reflect your values. Thoughts like these tend to get more persistent the more you fight them. It's not easy at first, but learning to simply acknowledge that you're having the thought and allowing it to pass like every other thought can help. Some people benefit from visualizing a stream (of consciousness) where each thought is a lily pad, placing the thought on the lily pad and watching it drift away.

It's positive to hear that you've found some distraction and solace through platonic and romantic self-shipping. Engaging in creative outlets can provide momentary escape and comfort. But if you find that intrusive thoughts are interfering with your enjoyment of these activities, it might be helpful to explore different coping strategies or expand your interests to other hobbies that feel safer and more fulfilling for you.

I understand that it feels daunting to contemplate your future, especially when you're feeling hopeless. It's essential to give yourself time and space to heal, seek professional support, and explore different avenues that align with your interests and strengths. While it may feel challenging now, it's important to remember that circumstances can change, and there are opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment ahead.

Given the intensity of your experiences, you may want to speak with a mental health professional such as a therapist who specializes in trauma or OCD. A therapist can provide you with guidance, support, and evidence-based techniques to help manage your intrusive thoughts, hypersexuality, and compulsive behaviors. Therapy can also help you navigate your self-worth, process your traumas, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

Please know that we care about you and want to support you through this difficult time. Consider reaching out to trusted individuals in your life and seeking professional help. You deserve care, understanding, and the opportunity to heal.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#tw abuse #mod bun #trauma talks #tw child abuse #tw sa #tw csa #tw nccsa #tw r #tw sh #tw sui #☀️

[ryukikiocspam]

My ocs but its vaguely comprehensive but no its not also i'm about to fall asleep i'll edit/update this. Later

This is so fucking cringe GRRR I hate writing my thoughts out! (Post under the cut)

Lucas Ward

he/him

A normal and uninteresting person, who has no notable qualities, and is definitely an average joe. He's just like any other 24 39 year old. Not a sci-fi flick inspired project created in a teenager's basement! Totally normal, obviously! What kind of child prodigy 16 year old gets bored and builds himself an android friend/brother? No one, nobody does that!

Victor Ward

he/him

Dr. Ward's geek older brother. 40 years old and still trying to win over his high school sweetheart. He can't flirt for shit, but he's got a heart of gold. Spends too much time playing video games, but he can make one hell of a casserole if you manage to get him off the computer. Who can blame him for being online all the time? He's a programmer, anyways. He's never done anything interesting. On an unrelated note, do you think that an artifical intelligence can have an anxiety disorder?

Candace [insert creative last name]

She/Her

Victor's best friend in high school and self proclaimed relationship expert, but somehow doesn't seem to notice how much Victor flirts with her. He thinks she's trying to hit on him when she calls him a dork, but that's just what she thinks. She's be brutally honest with you. Not just mean. Brutal. She'll make you cry if you let her.

[Post high school]

Ghostbusters sucked, Candice thought, until Emily showed up in her bedroom. Now, she's working as a shitty haunted house tour guide, and helps her ghost pal have the time of her after-life! And maybe figure out how all this ghost stuff works, anyways. What else is she supposed to do anyways? Stupid ghost. Stupid job. Stupid fucking everything.

Christina Baldwin

She/They

Romagyaru and also my beloved. I love lesbians

Tracy Miller

She/Her

An absolute angel! One of God's greatest gifts to this world! Tgirl swag.

Alex [trying to think of a last name]

They/them

The voice of reason among the idiots! They go with the flow, but will intervene if it gets too crazy. Everything in moderation. They're the most normal person here, I think.

Charlotte "Crimson" [lastname]

she/her

Created for a superhero roleplay with some friends in 8th grade. Absolute fucking menace. Edgy 12 year old who's really obviously an edgy 12 year old written by a fellow edgy 12 year old.

Crimson was orphaned, not in an edgy way, she just calls herself an orphan because she's been in the adoption system her whole life. That is, until she ran away to do crimes and general delinquency. Yeah. One day, Rick picked her up off the corner and since then, they've been a super cool father daughter duo that kicks ass. By kicks ass I mean she throws a tantrum and tapes some exacto knives to a swivel chair and beats someone to death with because he called her a kid.

She did cry afterwards. Then the apocalypse happened and we don't have much, but really? She's just hanging out in a dilapidated house playing monopoly with her dad and trying to contact anyone who might still be alive.

Rick (Not my oc, but very relevant to his universe)

he/him

Rick was my friend Ender's oc. After the roleplay chat became super inactive, he and I were the only ones still there, so we wrapped this shit up with one hell of a bang!

A genius college kid with a superiority complex gets on just about anyone's nerves, but Rick took that just a few steps further. Being natural rivals, the protagonist and Rick were constantly butting heads! Rick dropped out to do his own thing and prove to the world that he didn't need school and shit, he'd fuck some shit up all on his own, and he did. He made an iron man type suit out of whatever the fuck he could scrounge together and proved his worth to himself and everyone else. When our protagonist gets too cocky and fancies himself a hero, Rick found himself a daughter off the side of the street, they made an evil lair, and they caused the end of the damn world! Take that! Rick went from just a guy who needed to be told that he was good enough to a true villain who caused the end of the world with his found family daughter who saved him from a crumbling building as a thanks for getting her off the streets and into the best family dynamic that she'd never had. Now, he spends his time tinkering with radios, shooing off mutated creatures, and playing board games.

Goop Puddley

they/it/slime (slime preferred)

no real "lore" just a fucking sentient pile of slimey sludgey mess. i love this little funky lil skateboarding cool kid.

kid implies age but really? goop lacks age slime is just a fucking puddle. it does have a bit of form but slime will simply splat on the ground when bored. I've got at least 4 drawings of Goop in my notebook.

Emily [Lastname] (starts with b)

She/Her

A carefree girl and a self proclaimed "ditz", Emily [had an epic fail], leading to her untimely demise. By some miracle of fate, though, she gets to stick around as a ghost and still do teenager stuff. (I just wanted a cool ghost oc, okay?)

Michael Cambridge

He/Him

No, he's not Saul Goodman, he's a terrible man. A good lawyer, though. No degree, or any legal documentation of his existence, for that matter, but he's here, and pretty queer. And a pretty boy. Man? Creature? Demon? He's not human, that's for sure.

Sylvia Cambridge

She/Her

In middle school, no one reminded her to be careful of what she wished for. Now, she's got an overprotective demon/abomination/brother to hang out with her until she dies. Or something. She's still not sure if the price to pay is her soul or some entertainment. She's hoping it's the latter, but apart from that, her life isn't that interesting! Apart from the childhood trauma, the chunnibyo phase, the not-quite-normal boyfriend, the mortifying ordeal of being known, y'know, just normal stuff.

Gabriel Weiss

He/him

"It's not facism, it's a theocratic oligarchy, thank you." He's insane he's babygirl he's delusional he's normal he's an angel he's a liar he's a lunatic he's a horrible person he's my wife he's everything to me i hope he dies. This man thinks he's an angel but is just insane in the brain. Michael is not helping by encouraging said delusion. He attempts to kill everyone because "humanity has strayed too far from God's will" MY BROTHER IN CHRIST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? It's okay if i kill everyone though because i'm not human (i'm better) so im not going to heaven or hell. And michael doesnt care.

Olivia Harris

She/He/They/Every neopronoun

Wh-wh-wh-wh-what's good, sluts? The world's worst librarian is here to ruin your life. Her hobbies include taxidermies and giving terrible advice. And lying to Lucas about xer life. Most of them are movie plots. "Did you hear about that time my friend and I started an underground fighting group then became terrorists?"

#MY OCS #PINNED POST! FOR THEM! #i will edit this frequently #i hate having to explain things augh #long post

[purplesurveys]

1579

What type of milk do you like to drink? I never drink milk by itself – I mean mainly it’s not a practice where I’m from to just down a full cup of milk; but also I don’t drink it because rushing to the toilet immediately afterwards is not exactly my idea of fun.

Do you have a first aid kit at home? Yeah but like it barely counts as one at this point. We’ve taken bits and pieces from it over the years and have never really replenished it.

What's the absolute bare minimum in terms of facilities when you're camping? I’ve never gone camping, but I live in the Philippines so I feel like my tolerance would be quite high lmao. It would take a lot for me to start counting facilities as the bare minimum.

How many places have you lived in your life? I’ve only ever lived in Manila and this current city I reside in.

Are your parents dog or cat people? Is that different or the same as you? They’re dog people, and I’m the same. Cats and I never really jibed even though I’m always trying to understand them better.

What's your favourite flavour of potato chip? Original; it’s a fool-proof recipe. I feel like brands do flavors very differently, so like some chips will have shitty barbecue while others would actually do a good job. But since I don’t like the uncertainty of it all, I tend to just go the route I know I will enjoy.

What's the longest your hair has ever been? How long is it now? Down to my waist. That’s usually my sign to cut everything off already. But right now, it’s just up to my collarbones; I recently had a big portion chopped + dyed my hair purple as well.

What video games remind you of your childhood? Inappropriately enough, the Grand Theft Auto series. But there are other games too that I enjoyed watching my dad/uncles/cousins play, like Metal Gear Solid, Resident Evil, House of the Dead, Metal Slug, Pokemon.

What does your body wash or soap smell like? Doesn’t really smell like anything other than clean.

Are there are sounds that bother you on a visceral level? That high-pitched sound that sometimes comes out when you scrape your utensils in a certain angle against a plate. That shit has me sending daggers to the people who accidentally do it, regardless of who it is lol.

What was the last thing you bought online? Just food delivery. I believe the last order I got was from McDonald’s.

Name something you always have in your fridge. Eggs.

Have you ever had to hire a lawyer? Why? Nope.

Have you taken a walk today? Did you see any dogs? Eh, not really. And no, I have not seen any dogs today other than my own.

What vegetable do you really hate? I steer clear of ampalaya because my grade school textbooks have done a magnificent job shoving down my throat the fact that it’s the most bitter vegetable, so I’ve always been conditioned to think that it’s terrible. I’ve never actually tried it, though, but I think it’s the closest to being the vegetable I ‘hate,’ if any.

Does your family have any traditions or rituals? The only thing I can think of is Monito Monita but then again nearly every Filipino does that during Christmas.

If you could learn any language, what would it be? Korean, so I can visit places beyond Seoul and not have to struggle with the language barrier.

What was the best thing that happened today? Something that seems minor can still be awesome. A new episode of Run BTS came out and I couldn’t stop fucking laughing and clapping for the whole 39 minutes of it. OH and the fact that Angela and Hans picked me up so we can hang out at Starbucks earlier tonight :) I didn’t have my car around today but they were the first to insist to pick me up, which had been really sweet of them.

Have you ever donated money to a charity? Which one? NGOs for stray animals and a few ARMY-driven fundraisers for typhoon victims.

Did you have a large circle of friends in high school? Towards the end of it, yeah my circle got pretty huge. My circle had connections with other circles within our batch, and our group also consisted of people from the neighboring schools so that made it all the bigger. I’m only *really* close with just a handful of them now but I do continue to keep in touch with everyone else every now and then.

Would you ever get a matching tattoo with someone? Yes! This has been something Angela and Reena have been talking about for quite some time now. We’re probably getting something BTS-related but keep it very subtle.

What time do you usually go to sleep? Any time between 12 to 2 AM.

Do you have a job? Yes.

What colour are the plates in your kitchen? They are black.

What was the last gift you received? Bea sent me a Korean food starter pack last month – tteokbokki, jjajangmyeon, and gimbap.

What is your Chinese zodiac animal? Tiger.

Are you inside right now? If you're home, what room of the house are you in? Kind of but also not kind of? I’m at home but I’m at the rooftop, so technically outdoors hahaha.

Are you good at remembering faces? Yes. What I am awful at is remembering names + where I remember them from. So it’s usual for me to recognize someone and end up staring at them for a long time trying to remember where I encountered them.

What will you do after this survey? I wanna take another survey but it’s 12:30 on a Wednesday morning...

[jirai-kei-freak]

Vent

looong vent

I think part of the reason I have no friends irl and almost nobody wants to be friends with me irl is that I can’t access the things they can nor do I have the freedoms they have.

Main thing is I *can’t* have social media. I’m sixteen in April, I’m learning how to drive, and I *still* can’t have it (yet here I am). I’m only allowed to go on YT and I can’t even have an account on there because “it’s too dangerous”. I’m here on friggin Tumblr cuz it’s the only SM I can make an acount on and NOT HAVE TO DOWNLOAD THE FUCKING APP (but I met y’all tho, shout out to y’all, y’all awesome)! I can’t even download fucking apps. You wanna know why? Parental controls. It’s set to where if I wanna download something I have to do all this sign-up information, send it to my mom’s account, and then she has to do even more sign-up shit so I can be able to download it. BUT MY MOM DECIDED TO SWITCH TO A DIFFERENT PHONE BRAND SO NO APPS FOR ME.

I can’t even exchange phone numbers with my classmates to talk to them outside of school because my mom monitors my texts like a fucking hawk so I can’t vent about anything or talk about smth that’s PG13 in the slightest. And don’t even get me started on how I could barely hang out with my friends outside of school back when I had them. This is why I can never grow with people I actually like besides the “acquaintance” stage.

I’m not allowed to watch almost anything my peers are into. I’m not allowed to consume R-rated media. I was watching Disney Junior and PBS Kids until I was in the fifth grade, literally (I’m not even joking or exaggerating about this). I wasn’t watching PG13 till halfway thru middle school. SpongeBob was banned until age 13 because “it was too inappropriate”. I had huge arrested development that I still struggle to get over to this day and I got bullied for it. Absolutely HUMILIATING.

I struggle to find websites to watch these medias without A. Getting a virus or B. Getting the app. I can’t go ANYWHERE by myself. Can’t even walk to school though it’s literally ten fucking minutes away from my house, I have to be driven there. I have to go on a research spree to be able to ask my parents if I can watch a movie, TV-show, or video game. I hesitated telling my mom I wanted to download the Sims4 for my upcoming birthday because of the LGBTQ content and the “Woo-hoo” option. The only online game I’m allowed to play was Among Us, Roblox, and Animal Jam, none of which I find interest in anymore. When I did play them I wasn’t allowed to send or accept friend requests and my parents made sure of it. Fucking ridiculous.

It is true that strict parents make sneaky kids. Incognito is my bestie. I delete half of the stuff in my search history daily. Every photo I save to make a meme of or put in my icon/header automatically gets deleted afterwards and then gets deleted in the recently deleted cause my mom checks there. Can’t put ‘em in the hidden album cuz my mom checks there too. My whole life is practically being sneaky with the things I enjoy so I don’t get grounded.

I honestly wish I didn’t live with my parents. Yes, I said it. I love them, but I’m fucking done. People always tell me “wElL yOu’Ll mIsS tHeM wHeN yOu hAvE yOuR oWn pLaCe !!!!11!!!11” WELL I WON’T MISS HAVING RESTRICTIONS, FILTERS, AND MONITORING ON EVERY SINGLE FUCKING LITTLE THING! I’m done. Absolutely done. Never met someone the same age as me that has the same rules I do. Sometimes I even wish I had different parents.

#Call me an ungrateful spoiled brat but I said what I said #My parents (and by parents I mean MY MOM) officially be doin too much #Dgmw I do think that social media in fact does have negative impacts on teens and that it should be monitored to some extent #But not to a point a kid has to hide everything on their phone in order to still have it #I’ll be real surprised if anyone reads seven whole ass paragraphs of me trauma-dumping lmaooo

[aceinthehellhole]

So, bad news. I'm not suspended.

Dean Crowely told me that I need to "be more aware" of what I post online because I'm "representing the school" now that I'm a student here.

Bullshit. I bet he has a private twitter where he thirsts over... Madonna or something. He looks like the type.

My point is, I get the feeling that he let me off easy. Which is TERRIBLE.

I tried begging him for just a little suspension, something I could tell my mom so she'd be disappointed in me and send me to- wait no fuck,, I don't wanna go to military school either.

I guess... I'm just fucked either way. Might as well be able to tweet about it freely without fear of "ruining" the military's reputation.

Speaking of getting fucked, my roommates are the worst.

Obviously everyone saw the tweet.

Jack was like "maybe you just need to get laid".

AS IF HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

Stupid Jack with his stupid muscles and stupid neck veins.

So I turned to him and was like "dude the absolute LAST thing I need is to have your huge sweaty meat stick shoved up my ass, okay?"

And then he had the AUDACITY to look offended by what I said. As if he wasn't the one being vulgar in the first place. Psh.

Jack isn't even the worst of them.

Deuce is the most annoying person I've ever met. He's at my side 24/7, following me around like a lost duckling, always asking me if I'm okay, and he even holds my hand sometimes. Gross.

What do I look like? A mama duck?

Okay, yes, I did cry to him about how unfair life is and may have fallen asleep on his chest, but that was ONE TIME. That doesn't mean we're automatically fused at the hip now. What is his deal??

And then there's Epel. That guy is so fucking weird. He barely speaks, and when he does, it's to make some backhanded comment about how I'm "pushing people away" and "ignoring the people who care about me".

AS IF anyone in this godforsaken school cares about ME.

Who is he to judge me like that anyway?? Rich coming from the guy who has no friends and refuses to talk to anyone. Sheesh.

The last guy in our dorm is Sebek. He's some kinda exchange student and he's almost as obnoxious as Jack. I get that they're dancers or whatever but do the have to be so RIPPED??

It's hard to focus on basically anything in our dorm when all I can hear is one or both of them grunting and huffing and getting all sweaty while they work out.

The only cool person in this entire school is - I KID YOU NOT - Yuu the janitor. I met them shortly after joining when I (definitely by accident) spilled 6 cans of spaghetti-os in the hallway. Don't ask.

I expected the janitor of this place to be A. some crotchety old man and B. the type to blow up in my face over spilled pasta. But Yuu was neither! They showed up with a mop and bucket on wheels, their pudgy black cat Grim perched lazily on their shoulder. While they started cleaning up the mess, all they said was. "Man, you must really like your o's."

And that was that. We instantly became allies in this cruel and rigorous hellhole of an academic setting, bonded over our shared love of cheap canned food.

Yuu has some kinda scholarship or something where they get free housing and food in exchange for cleaning up, which sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. If the position wasn't already filled, I would have begged Crowley to let me do that instead of "expressing myself" for a grade.

Speaking of which, I gotta get to something called a "movement class". Ugh. Pray for me.

#twst #twst rp #ace trappola #// feel free to send in asks for this au it's been giving me brainrot OTL

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #063

If you could own your own Pokemon, which would it be? Probably like, Espeon. They're gorgeous and seem calm and overall cat-like. What is it that draws you to your favorite song/band/musician? I'm pretty simple with this, I'm just drawn to what sounds "good" to me. Have you ever had an embarrassing nickname? Not really. I mean I feel kinda weird in the very rare instance my mom calls me "Twinkie" (it was my childhood nickname; all her kids have sweets/candy nicknames, haha) in front of others, but it's whatever. What, in your opinion, is the most disgusting part of the human body? I'm like, aggressively disgusted by any genitalia, even though I try very, very hard not to be because it's an extreme overreaction and perpetuates ideas I don't support by making it seem like this big, huge deal and "gross," but I've never in my life been able to just move past the extreme "ew" impulse reaction I have. What has the ability to easily embarrass you? I couldn't even REMOTELY comfortably discuss how I RP and details about it if you're not Tez or Mazzy or past RP partners.

If you could give your best friend a gift, what would it be, and why? At some point I really, really want to get Girt a little statue/figure thing of his FFXIV character. He loves the game and has invested a load of time into it and I know he would be absolutely in love with the idea for a little room decor. What was the name of your second grade teacher? Mrs. Whitley. She was also my 5th grade teacher and overall one of my absolute favorites. Sweaters or fuzzy blankets? Big blanketssss. Ghosts or witches? I'm more drawn to ghosts, personally. Describe your ideal date. To name one I haven't recently, maybe like, a concert of a band we both enjoy. Do you like s'mores? I LOVE s'mores. What's an unpopular opinion you have on autumn? Pumpkin spice isn't all that. Are you single or in a relationship? I'm in a v happy 'n' healthy relationship. Do you like Christmas trees? I do. Do you prefer Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas? While I enjoy the aesthetic of Halloween most, Christmas is overall my favorite holiday. Do you like trick-or-treating? I LOVED it as a kid. Stopped as a teen though solely because of societal expectations, lol. You have peculiar interests? The "weirdest" would probably be vulture culture, which is basically the use of dead animal parts to create art, like bones, wet specimens, taxidermy, etc. Are you crafty? I don't think I am, actually; I can draw all I want, sure, but I'm not a big crafts person. Tell us something random about you. Uhhhhh before meerkats, my favorite animal was dolphins. I had lots of dolphin stuff as a kid. Do you believe in the supernatural? I believe in spirits and their (limited) ability to interact with humans, yes. What's your favorite scary movie? I really like The Blair Witch Project (plus its sequel) and The Crazies. Do you have a comfort food? It tends to be ice cream. Are you in school? What do you study? I'm not; I'm in the process of looking into online photography courses offered by my local community college, though. Ma brought it up and it'd be something to do that I generally really like. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving? What traditions so you have? Yeah, even though the roots itself of the holiday are fucking garbage. My mom and I always go to my sister's place, where more family meets up for dinner. Do you have a Tumblr account? (If so, what is the URL?) I am literally too lazy to link it, it's steinstan. Have you ever had a crush on more than one person at once? Do you now? Yes, and no. Do you have mean comments that replay in your head and haunt you? YUP YUP YUP YUP YUP. Have you ever bought a designer purse? No, NOT interested in spending a ludicrous amount of money for a bag. What color was your senior prom dress? It was black. Would you ever consider a career in writing? Yes, I'd actually love to. Have you ever purchased a YouTuber’s merch? If so, what did you buy? My favorite shirt I own is one by Cloak, Markiplier and jacksepticeye's clothing company, but that's it. I would LOVE more YouTuber-specific merch, but I've never really asked for this stuff for holidays because I consider that stuff one of my "weird" interests that I have a paralyzing fear people will judge me for. Do you update your Facebook relationship status when it changes? Yes. Do you want your own house someday? I would actually really, really like to own my own place one day so I can do whatever I want to make it home. When you go to McDonald's, what drink do you usually get? Coke. Ever seen your parents make out? GOD NO. Were you raised in a religious house? Fucking tragically. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? Not to my recollection, no. I think I'd remember that. Last person that saw you naked (can’t be yourself): My mom. Ever kissed someone half-naked? Yeah. Do you like bacon? Oh dude I love bacon. Do you have an annoying dog? No, Cookie is generally very well-behaved. She's always acted very unobtrusively and personality-wise is really the perfect dog for Mom and me. What was the first comic book you ever had an obsession over? I was never into comics, actually. What color was your first phone? It was a navy blue, I believe. Was your first phone a flip phone? Quite sure it slid, actually. If you’re a girl, have you ever had an embarrassing period story? I don't believe I do. What was your worst experience in high school? Just crippling depression. Do you ever use the n-word? Absolutely not. What is your phone background? My lock screen is an absolutely spectacular photo of Richard having a blast with his guitar w/ pyrotechnic fire entirely as the background, and my home screen is a skeleton doing the devil horns symbol. Have you ever gotten in trouble for using a phone in class? Nope, because I didn't use my phone when it wasn't allowed. Do you have any pets other than dogs or cats? Yes, a snake. Have you ever finished a whole video game? Oh jeez, plenty plenty. Grew up a gamer, man. Do you know anyone with a pet snake? Obviously myself, and Mazzy has them too! I might know more people, but not sure. What names do you like? To name some that come to mind quickly, Alessandra, Miquella, Amani, Justine, Evangeline, Chloe, Naomi, Damien, Severin, Vincent, and Luther. If you had to name your daughter after a Disney princess, which one? Um probably Aurora. What’s your opinion on poetry? I love it and have been on the brink of trying to write a new one for a while now. How much did your senior prom dress cost you? I have no idea. What dreams have stuck with you since childhood? Meeting/having physical contact with a meerkat. I also still REALLY want to see a complete dinosaur fossil display! Did you ever take your dog to school? Oh my god, I do remember doing this once with Teddy in the I wanna say 5th grade. I had permission to bring him in and have my classmates meet him. I don't remember the details really, but I remember he did so well and everyone liked him! God, I miss my boy. If you had had a baby in high school, what would you have named him or her? Alessandra for a girl, Severin for a boy. Has God ever healed you of anything? If so, what? No, but actual science has. What is the most boring church you have ever attended? They all bored me to fucking death whenever I'd go somewhere, but the one I grew up with, a Roman Catholic one, was THE. FUCKING. WORST. Mass always had such a serious aura full of rituals and I hated it. What is the most lively church you have ever attended? I don't remember. Do you find church fun or boring? So immensely boring that as a kid, if Mom decided we were going to go after Sunday school, I cried lmao. What do you hate the most about summer? THE FUCKING HEAT. Which part of your body is the most muscular? That... is a very good question. I have zero idea. Did you ever take Latin in school? For one semester my first year of high school. It was incredibly difficult and I quickly switched to German the next half. What is your favorite Japanese name? I have a bias towards Mi Nuong, having a character with that name. Plus is sounds beautiful to me. I really like a lot of Japanese names, though. Have you ever ran a cash register? Ugh, yes. Fucking never again. Do you think your mom is attractive? My mom is super beautiful and I swear her smile is the sun. What computer game did you used to play all the time? There were many, but there was this one called something like Amazon Trail 3 that I was obsessed with. Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? (assuming you want any) I would. Do you like salami? I love salami. Have your parents met your boyfriend/exes? Yep. Name something in your life that was a blessing in disguise: My breakup with Jason, really. Have your parents ever questioned your virginity? I know my mom has; my dad has never voiced any side of belief on this, and I don't want to talk about it with him. Do you find graveyards scary? No. Who do you consider to be the king of pop? How about the queen of pop? I really don't care, pop isn't my genre. When was the last time you made a pinky promise? Ha ha semi-recently when Girt made me promise to always tell him if I don't feel like watching something. When we hang out I truly am up for like whatever he feels like doing, I just like being in his presence, but he was concerned about boring me, lol. Do you think your parents know things about you that you don’t want them to? Mom probably does. Honestly, have you ever said a racist joke? Not to my memory and I certainly wouldn't have once I was at the age to have enough sense. I am never okay with racist jokes. If you had to be a school teacher, which subject would you teach? You know, I actually recently realized that with my enthusiasm for the language and culture and all, if I'm ever truly fluent, I'd be quite the dedicated German instructor. I'm not interested in being a teacher of any sort, though. As a child, did you ever get the chance to go to Disney World/Disneyland? Yes. What state do you live in? What’s the best aspect about this state? North Carolina, and like... nothing. I hate it here. The mountains to the west are pretty, though. Honestly it's mostly just this stretch where the coastal plains and piedmont meet where everything is just garbage. Are you someone who is really committed to politics in your area/country? I wish I was, but I'm admittedly not. I have strong opinions with what I do understand, but I absolutely do not educate myself on everything. Part of that is because I just don't care enough even though I should, but there's also the fact that this is an area I have a very, very hard time understanding. Like, information going through my ears just doesn't compute. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? I don't think so, and definitely not. When was the last time you were on a boat? Where did you travel on it? Many summers ago when I went fishing with Colleen, her husband, and her dad on a lake. Favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic. Are any of your siblings in college, or planning on going to college? No; both of my sisters graduated college, one with a Master's and I think the other a Bachelor's. Then there's me. Do you drink milk? If so, what’s your favorite kind? I do; I prefer chocolate most, but I do like normal milk, too. Not skim, though.

#survey #surveys #random surveys #random questions

[taeyamayang]

I have no idea why Thor is so photogenic. Its not fair. He won’t save any beauty for anyone else. I have so many photos of him in my digital camera just because he is so easy to photograph. I’ll have to find them for ya, they are pretty cute. He’s cute and all, until he starts rolling in the dirt. I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but he likes to go on the porch and roll around in the dirt. And he will meow (more like mew) to go outside and stand by the door and wait for us to open the door. He doesn’t understand that it’s too hot for him and his thick fur and often just turns back around lol. Then an hour later he’s back at it again, smh. I have a problem in thinking that everyone I speak to online is American 🤦‍♀️ it’s giving entitled American vibes LMAOOO. But mainly I think that it’s just hard to comprehend how big the internet really is and how many people spend their time in there like me. I feel like people don’t understand how amazing the internet can be and how you can connect with people from absolutely everywhere, yknow? I feel like that made me sound like a grandma jfjsjsjsvdh .

The “boarding school” I went to was actually a “therapeutic residential” or a more long term psych hospital stay with more privileges and such. I went since was struggling really badly with my mental health, I was given several different diagnosis (adhd, anxiety, autism, depression) almost all at once while going through puberty, a time where people struggle finding out more about themselves and such. It fucking sucked. There were more factors but that’s mainly the gist of it that led me to being enrolled in a residential for my seventh grade. Everyone had their own problems and shit going on but it was much more “externalized”(? If that’s the right word) compared to me, who internalized EVERYTHING. So I got a lot of “why the hell are you even here?” (Not in a rude way, more in a way of general confusion) from staff and residents alike. To which I responded “I don’t fucking know??” So technically it’s not a boarding school, but it has the characteristics of one in several ways and it’s much easier to call it a boarding school because it gets a lot less sideways glances and or ones of pity. It seems VERY different from your school. When I think of boarding schools I think of either two things; a very preppy, fancy school or a reformitary school for “juvinile delinquents”. And cults. Which i guess means three things but cults in either kind of boarding schools aren’t necessarily uncommon. Maybe they are, but I’m a true crime addict so I’ve heard plenty of shady things about boarding schools. High key just listened to a documentary of sorts about a boarding school like two days ago. In other words, what was your school like? Lol it sounds very interesting and fancy. Was it fun? Did you have to wear uniforms? When I was in kindergarten-2nd grade I wore a uniform, which I didn’t think was weird until I moved and went to a different school and realized that only preppier schools have their students wear uniforms, and my old school was not preppy at ALL. It was just a normal school. So like a year or two ago I asked my mom why I had to wear a uniform -white collared shirts and navy bottoms- I was a very lanky kid that grew a LOT. I was also messy and has sensory issues with the stupid collar on the shirts. We had to buy them at special shops and no matter what size I bought the pants always showed so much leg and the shirts would always go up to my belly button. And since I was so messy I always had stains on my shirts. I probably looked homeless I swear. But anyway I asked her and apparently the area around my school had some GANG ACTIVITY???? and they didn’t want us kids wearing clothes that matched gang colors??? But the highschoolers (who would be around the age to be in a gang) didn’t have to wear them? Idk weird. And omg I do remember Madeline!!! It’s a show locked deep deep down in my childhood memories. I remember the last time I thought of it was a few months ago actually when I made a comment about riding along the luggage bag things they have in hotels and such and my mom mentioned something along the line of “like in Madeleine?” Like wow ok I don’t think I thought of Madeline since I was like four, that’s a throwback.

Ok so my other ceiling story happened in my room, well shared room. So here’s a very shitty sketch of the room since it’s too odd looking to describe in justice. The orange highlight is the layout of the room, and the yellow bits give better detail of certain sections. Ok so each room had a wooden desk, bed and wardrobe for every person living in the room. They also had a wall that was a fogged window with a section up to that was not fogged. Surprisingly, the staff didn’t mind if we sat on top of the wardrobes. Usually we sat up there to look out the window since that was about the only way u could see out it. I usually did that by hopping up from my bed (as you can see with the lil stick figures) but most of the time we just climbed up them using the wooden slots separating each cubby. Most of the rooms were two person rooms besides the two back ones, including the one I drew. Now that one was kinda famous on the unit for several reasons. First it was one of the only three person rooms- like previously mentioned , second it looks weird (it was also painted a pea green color, where all the others weren’t painted at all?) and it didn’t have an obnoxious window wall that people can tap on from the outside and that blinded you every morning. But it was mainly famous because the wardrobes were all lined up in a slim row and you could all crawl up there and look out the window- or crawl up into the ceiling. The little corner the wardrobes were in had a wooden panel and room for a person to sit up there. It was relatively safe, at least to what Peter did and most of the kids who slept in that room went up there at some point. I didn’t, I didn’t wanna get in trouble and besides; my Lanky, 5’7 ass would not fit in there quietly or neatly and I did not wanna break shit, no thank you. I pride myself on being self aware and I am very aware of how messy I am, and how much more of a mess I was a twelve. The room at the moment was occupied by me and my two roomates; Daia and Kayla. One day, Daia and Kayla crawled up the ceiling- whilst calling me a baby for not-while I read a comic. I went out in the common areas to socialize while Daia soon followed me, because their isn’t much to do in the ceiling . Kayla on the other hand stayed up in their even tho we both told her she should come down, she’s being too reckless. But she said she was fine. I bet you know where this is going. A little while late we hear a loud ass CRASH and Daia and I run out from the common room only to find out that the loud noise came from our room. Kayla somehow sat on a piece that wasn’t stable and the WHOLE rectangle section fell. All over our wardrobe, all over our clothes, everywhere. Our whole room was a hazard.

I was really irritated since we both told Kayla she needed to be less reckless and she was known to be kinda selfish and she had a tendency to do whatever she wanted no matter who it harmed. But daia? Daia was PISSED. Absolutely LIVID. let me tell you a few things about Daia. She was a year younger than us, and much much smaller. She was small and petite with baby chin and hands. She had a head of tight small curls. In other words, she was very cute. Like a teddy bear. Or doll. But the similarities end there. like they say, the shorter they are they closer they are to hell and man did she have a TEMPER! she was very feisty and had an attitude when needed. Once One of the night staff told us about how she once got up and stood in her doorway and when the staff asked what’s up she stuck her lil chubby hand with her little chubby middle finger and said “fuck you” and giggled (more like cackled) as she went back to lay down. Do you know that meme with Cardi B saying “who am I? Who are you?” Then chucking? Yeah she kinda sounded like that. The staff was so confused, not just because she didn’t do anything that required such hostility. BUT BECAUSE SHE WAS ASLEEP THE WHOLE. DAMN. TIME. the staff checked and double checked too, she was dead asleep. If that doesn’t give a description of daia as a whole idk what does. One of the staff said that she reminds him of a Grateful Dead bear, always sneaking around with a mischievous look in her eye. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me she punched him in the nuts. She was pretty chill when not being a menace to society, tho. But unluckily for Kayla, she just flipped her “bitch switch” and I had to PHYSICALLY hold her back. Was not fun, 10/10 WOULD NOT RECOMMEND. Thankfully Kayla was ok (after falling and avoiding Daias rath) but we all had to sleep elsewhere, so Daia and I moved our mattresses to the group room and Kayla moved hers to the hallway, where she would be constantly supervised. It was wild. You would think having one weird ceiling related incident there would be it right?

And about the twerking party- you read that right. That’s exactly what happened, which honestly wasn’t very out of the ordinary, very on brand. They would always be dancing and stuff and they always tried bringing me in. Which as an awkward, lanky 12 year old I would always decline. Do you know that one TikTok audio “Bitch did you hear what the fuck I said? Shake some ass!!!” It was pretty much that. To which I promptly replied “what ass????? I have nothing to shake!!!!” Which usually got them off my case. But if they ever caught me vibing to any r&b/rap/trap (the music they played) they would hype me UP. They loved “corrupting” the shy lanky emo and would always go “MAEVE!! OK WE SEE YOU!!” It was so embarrassing!!!! I was pretty much the chillest and most rational on the dorm and got along with everybody so they sorta saw me as the baby (even daia and Kayla did… which was weird because I was technically older??) once I was getting changed in the room real quick and Kayla was like “DAMNNNNN” and Daia was like “You never told me you had titties??” And I was just like ????? I never hit them away??? I just wear sports bras???? Kayla then told me I was “slim thicc” and daia and I were like “yeah no” big then Kayla’s said I’m “thicc slim” which apparently made more sense because daia agreed?? They saw me as a goodie two shoes as well so after they found out I “have boobs” they tried to make me wear more “whore couture” or revealing outfits. And I was like bitch?? We are twelve?????? Yeah it got messy lmaooo

I literally had to type that all out on notes, it took forever lol

Thor sounds like a troublemaker but you wouldn't get mad at him bc he's such an adorable fluff. Momo used to mess around too but she's 6yrs old now and kinda oldie so she would rather look through the window, sleep and eat all day than do anything. In short, she's a freeloader in our house lmaoo that's okay! idk but it's weird ever since i got into social media i always get assumed as an American? or someone who lives in the west but l i'm very much asian. from my ancestors' knowledge, our blood is mixed but still from an asian descent. so that makes me asian x2 LMAO I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

CULT?! GANG?! is that tokyo rev irl? lmao jk. omfg i love love crime documentaries but i have never heard a cult incident near my area so that being "normal" in where you live is surprising to me. yes! we used to wear uniforms. i attended a religious all girls school all my life before uni. from 7th grade to 10th grade i liked our uniform. we wear a blue skirt and a bottom up white polo but the buttons are at the back. we also wear a neck tie where we improvised to put our pens and highlighters inside so it becomes handy. then, we have black doll shoes with white socks just above our ankles. the uniforms changed when we reach 11th to 12th grade. it's more "mature" but technically it's almost the same thing as the previous uniform but the buttons are at front and we no longer have the necktie which kinda sucks. oh, if you need a point reference i think the closest look we have of our uniform is Fukurodani's!! (minus the bow cos we wore a navy necktie, as i mentioned earlier) my high school life is pretty normal. i didn't belong to the "cool" group but i wasn't isolated from the rest. i kinda just... existed LMAO but my status slightly changed during my 11th to 12th grade. i gained a bit of confidence. i was a sports captain during a sports event and auditioned for a musical play for a cause (a school event) actually i wasn't planning on auditioning but my friends signed me up 😭 i have stage fright but i love performing (i am a walking irony, i know) i sing and my friends know i can sing so they wanted me to show everyone what i can do. i curse but at the same time thank them for signing me up cos i got accepted! from the point, my batchmates and teachers were shocked to see a different side of me. no one knew i can sing but from mini plays in english classes they have enjoyed my quirky acting lol sooo i guess it was a good memory. also, idk why but i always get caught in the "cool" kids dramas when i'm literally just a chilling potato. like, i swear i can tell you about it next time if you want to. it's a whole au moment for me but i was confused half of the time. it sucks that you have to call your school a "boarding school" just so people wouldn't be shocked when you tell them you studied there. we don't have that kind of school here in my country or maybe i am not aware of it, but part of it is that my country isn't open yet when it comes to mental health (sucks cos i'm a psychology major lol) but how were you in your school? did it helped you? and it's good that your parents supported you or at least find a way to help you when you were struggling with your mental health.

alright, first off THE EFFORT MAN 👏🏼 as a visual learner, thank you for the drawing AND THE SMALL STICK FIGURES WITH CAPTIONS OMG aight so as i type this i have read the part about the ceiling incident AND SHIT YOU NOT ONE SEC I WAS NODDING, THEN LAUGHING, AND WRAPPED IT UP WITH MY JAW ON THE FLOOR. i thought daia is a sweet little human when you told me she had come down from the look out. i thought kyla is the problem child and you had daia on your side. but when you started describing how cuddly and cute she appeared i saw it coming. she isn't a doll or if she is then she is definitely chucky 😭 NO THAT'S A BAD COMPARISON BUT LITERALLY THAT WAS THE IMAGE I HAD OF HER WHEN READING THE DESCRIPTION OF HER. the middle finger and fuck you while she was dead asleep?? ARE YOU SERIOUS GSNDBSJ and "the shorter one is the closer to hell." MAAM SIR THAT HIT ME. AS A FIVE FEET FLAT THAT WAS PERSONAL /jk (lmao i get that a lot too tho i have a veryyyy longgg patience once shit gets to me i bring hell to earth lmao so my friends are wary of me when i'm angry or pissed tho i don't physically hurt someone but they say i have this black aura thing clouding me similar to that of anime characters when im mad LOL but yeah that's rare since i appear collected and calm most of the time, ANYWAY) your boarding school stories are out of this world i feel like this belongs to a series "keeping up with myve's boarding school." "90 days in boarding school." "survivor boarding school." 😭 why do i feel like you lived with the most problematic kids in town and you had to somehow be friends with them. but i commend you for doing the right choices tho, not climbing the lookout thingy (and heck you're 5'7 at that time?? wtf is in the air in your country 😭😭😭) i bet you're one of the best behaved kids in your school at that time. btw, was kyla bought to the hospital? i mean the fall hurt her (also daia's wrath) that story is crazy shittt but i enjoyed it heckk lol. also, do you get to choose your roommates or you get assigned in a certain like how i always get assigned to the most rowdy pupil in class in hopes i'll "turn" them nice or get sat next to the most talkative in class cos when in class i always have this face -__- i was generally quiet, shy, and nice (teacher's description) or do you get assigned randomly? i'd love to hear more of your stories boarding school or not it sounds interesting and entertaining. i love the contrast we haveㅡour's is very prim and proper, don't hurt a fly. always respect each other policy and your's is a tv series. i feel like when you get old that's the kind of stories you'll tell your grandkids.

i- am i the only who didnt get the thicc slim and slim thicc? like... what's the difference GSNSBS and they didn't expect you to have boobies cos you're "hiding it" heckk were you ever pressured to wear revealing clothes? i guess that's the advantage of wearing uniforms in school. we don't have issues with attire since technically we wear the same clothes and even if we have a school event that requires us to wear civilian clothes, the school rules are VERY strict so they wouldn't let us wear anything other than a pair of pants, shirt, and closed shoes. but since i studied in an all girls school i am used to changing clothes inside our classrooms. we shut the windows and door and we find our own corners tho before i used to be very conscious so i'll go out to use the bathroom but eventually i got used to it. some of the "liberal" girls poked other girls' boobs and point out how big/rounded it is or show off their bras and panties. i never flaunted my body to anyone so i just changed quietly lmao BUT one time one of my friends took notice of me changing clothes and was like "ooOoOoOoHh look at pea changing didn't know you got curves" (i butt is defined, that's what they meant." so i quickly grabbed my top uniform and covered my body and shoo-ed her lmao but it gained eyes from others but i don't mind, really.

thank you for typing this all out I ENJOYED THIS CONVERSATION OMG sorry if i reply late (hensns introvert stuff when i get drained af socializing irl i tend to shut down) hope you're doing well!! stay hydrated bubs!

#myve.😸 #pea.asks

[an-asuryampasya]

thing about getting to meet my closest friend in person for the first time in six years!!! putting a cut because i occasionally remember my manners about not clogging up people's dashes

i met my closest friend yesterday for the first time in six years. six years!! we've known each other since we were what. eight years old I think? I absolutely hated his guts back. i cannot stress enough how much i despised her with all the fury and hatred my tiny self could muster. it went on for YEARS. oh, the depths of playground politics i delved into and strings i pulled. i am, to date, mildly in awe at the power I managed to wield and how i did it. i don't think i've ever experienced that level of commitment to anything in my life ever since, really. i would have cackled evilly if i knew basic media tropes back then. the entire foundation of my approach rested on the other side, said friend and her friend, being power-hungry despots who cared little for others' choices on the playground while I, on the other hand, was a benevolent (non-)leader (because this was a democracy unlike them, excuse you) and we went by popular vote (yes i am aware the concept of leaders exist in democracies but my third-grade self got it a little mixed up, shush). it was magnificent and it worked. I had regular victories and I reveled in them. i was winning at life.

anyway turns out it was entirely one-sided and said friend barely registered a blip on their and figured I just liked playing different games askddhsfs learning (only last year, in fact) that I inadvertently played the role of that bumbling villain who does little more than cause minor annoyances and doesn't even count as an enemy was humbling xD

I kinda held this friend responsible for my then-bestie and i drifting apart and that hadn't helped, really. but man how times have changed. I don't even know where then-bestie is today, while my sworn enemy from then is someone i'd help bury a body for today.

i'm really glad i have this person in my life. :)

and the six years thing? yeah so here's the deal. we've lived in the same city for the better part of those six years. my city isn't even that huge and they live only about 10-15 minutes away from me. six years of living in the same city and not once did we meet skdfhs. tbh i'd even go so far as to say that while the current iteration of our relationship started off with us bonding over fandoms in ninth/tenth back in school, I think it was during those six years of being exclusively online that we got this close. this friend is a huge part of my life and i'm literally texting them about something dumb as i type this too. i've learnt so much from them, ya know? even how to be a good friend. i take the lessons i've learnt from her behaviour and directly apply it to other friends and they response by considering me such an understanding and nice fr- no you don't get it, i'm literally just hitting copy+paste on behaviour. i suck at being a good friend naturally, and that reflects when i encounter brand new situations and completely drop the ball. i just happen to have a good teacher for the other situations like 3 AM breakdowns because this friend has handled enough of my own 3 AM breakdowns. anyway i digress.

the point of this whole thing is that anxiety fucking sucks. so much. i'm meeting my bestie for the first time in ages and all i can think of is that i suck in-person. here's the thing. i am not very fun offline. i certainly think i can sometimes be fun online, but overall i firmly believe online-me >>> offline-me. (now pointedly ignoring the implications of online-me also being not-great-company based on how i act on the tumble because i cannot handle that tangent rn. fwiw, tumblr-me is experimental and fairly different from how i act over text i think. or at least, i'd like to think?idk anyway MOVING ON before i spiral-) plus like. said friend looks very cool. i... do not. i am still figuring out how i'd like to look etc (yeah if you've seen that ongoing thing about experimenting with my hair throughout May, it's a direct result of this insecurity. i'm pleasantly surprised that i've stuck to it till now and am still going strong! I might attempt a regency-based one soon too :D okay back to the point. i am very bad at staying on topic, sorry.) and i've changed a great deal physically since i last saw this friend. so amongst all of these insecurities bubbling up and stuff, i kinda didn't want to meet her at all? and that sucks because why!!! why would i not want to meet my closest friend!! this also holds for other friendships. if i don't meet in person very often, i don't want to. i did the exact same thing, except more intensely for another friend back on campus too and kept looking for excuses to put off meeting him. eventually i met him because i ran out of excuses and i was so freaked out, i had to get like five different people at various points to push me. and i ended up having a blast! i liked meeting that friend and had a great time and stuff. brain gremlins just suck. anyway so back to this friend. apologies if i'm getting confusing, i lost the thread of whatever this post was supposed to be ages ago. i'm glad I met this friend yesterday but i also now i'll freak out the next they propose meeting too

aaaaaah no, not ending this on a sour note. this friend means too much to me.

heh so we never met in six years despite living in the same city? thing is, we only met now because said friend is leaving the country soon. and i am!!! so happy for them!!! they got into a wonderful program in canada and heck, they deserve it! they're brilliant and have achieved SO MANY cool things in their undergrad and honestly, i am often struck by wonder that they're my friend. just. my friend is very cool and you, reader who doesn't know who i nor this friend are, should know that. and i finally got to meet them in person after so long :)

(and the odds are i won't be meeting them ever again asdshkff because they have no reason to return and i have no reason to head to canada)

#yeah i'll forever be amused that we didn't meet in person #despite living in the same city for SIX YEARS #and texting /every single day/ for at least four of those years #but just. did not meet. #also not editing this despite my penchant for skipping words while typing sometimes so welp #hope it's comprehensible #anxiety mention #and mention of insecurities in the context of friendships #placeholder tag