#online diary sorta

[dokyeomini]

to be honest..... idk when i'll outgrow this online space but it's some day

#and it's making me kinda sad but i'll accept my fate algkldj #i've noticed the more i focus on therapy the less i have the urge to come on here and post stuff #now that i have a therapist i work pretty well with #or certainly the way i'll be online here is changing #still my public sorta anonymous diary tho #and idk why my brain is saying i sound so pretentious while typing this alhkldj #also. it's weird to come online after having my beliefs challenged in therapy bc some lf it stuff i see over and over online #whatever a large amount of people have internalized #and just maybe....... those things should actually be questioned #if i ever like actually recover from my mental illnesses #and it's fucking hard bc a lot of it like. part of my personality at this point #so im having to like marie kondo my thoughts basically.... #insane... a lot lf work #and im questioning a lot of things #my head hurts just thinking abt this

[alarisblake]

Rant número 2 I guess

Hoy una chava toda linda llegó conmigo sonriendo y me dijo “no te quiero hacer ojo ¿puedo tocar tus aretes? (Esos que piensas they’re just too much) y le dije que sí, emocionada de que también fuera fan de Sailor Moon, se rió y dijo que le gustaban, que me veía bonita. And I was fucking ecstatic to that. Because I’ve been told so by friends and family it doesn’t feel like the truth, but here’s someone random out of nowhere saying that too.

I was happy so I decided to call you and tell you all about my day, just like I do when you’re in the mood. Guess today wasn’t it. Porque me contestaste muy apenas como cuando estás en un modito muy tuyo, que hasta ahora que lo pienso debí adivinar. But again, I was still tingly with happy feelings out of someone calling me pretty because I’m simple as that. Te dije que había conocido a autores que me gustaban en estos cursos de escritura, que pensé te interesaría porque te encanta presumir lo mucho que te gusta leer. And you belittle every person who doesn’t do so, as if putting an “ignorant” sticker on their head. Pero se me olvida que no te gusta que te hable tan efusivamente de algo que no es mi carrera en ingeniería. Y al decirte conseguimos sus autógrafos mi amiga y yo, tu primera respuesta sin vacilar fue: ¿y trabajo no consiguieron? Consternada es poco para como me sentí ¿CÓMO? Pensé y ¿cómo? te pregunté. Creí capaz y se refiere a un trabajo en escribir, pero mi lógica me gritaba que no podía ser así. Pues sí ¿no andan ahorita dando trabajos en tu escuela? Sin palabras me quedé la verdad. I truly can’t fathom where she got something like that from. Because she doesn’t get involved in my school at all, not now, not before, not ever (even if she says otherwise). But her lies are so bold that she believes herself. Carrying on she said ¿entonces no encontraste trabajo? The woman who told me not to fret that I should worry about my masters. It was easy for me to say I was getting cookies from the store that I needed to hung up.

-Galletas ¿a esta hora? ¡Nombre, así bien bonito vas a rodar!

I keep forgetting to guard myself when we speak,

to always come prepared for some battlefield,

minefields made of lies.

But because I didn’t train beforehand,

once again my self esteem got struck.

Me: 0 Mom: a lot + 1

#rants #mommy issues #fatphobia #pressure #frustrated artist #high achiever #sorta #online diary #entry #numero 2

[raining-tulips]

hi! i just found your blog :) love your commonplace book scans! if you don’t mind me asking, could you give a more in-depth explanation of what commonplacing is exactly and what your process is? i’m intrigued and considering getting into it but i wouldn’t even know where to start! thanks a lot xx

Absolutely! So my commonplace is specifically all movies, qoutes, articles, tumblr/Instagram posts, book excerpts, etc. that either resonated with me or I think I'll want to reference later. That is the heart of what common placing is - saving things for later physically rather than digitally.

Some of these just pop up in my feed, and I'll hit the like or save button. If it's an article, it usually first pops up as a preview on my Instagram and I'll open the full article on my desktop than bookmark it in a specific folder for common placing.

Sometimes, when I want to actively find something out (say, about if perfume is really bad for the environment, or I want to look at author interviews because I just loved a book) I will go out and search for that information.

Then, usually once a week I compile everything I'd like to print - i print the sources bc my handwriting is messy - into a word document formatted for two columns. I try and hold off printing until i have a full page worth, or two full page worth.

For images, I have another word document (these are printed in color, and i usually have to jigsaw to fit as many images on the page as possible, so different word document). Same thing, I try and wait until I have a full page to print. Usually x2 a month. I sometimes will print with an HP sprocket but the quality is really bad and the pictures are thick so, it's for when I'm out of printer ink or I think a photo will look okay with a sorta...uneven look.

I use just a Staples brand journal, TruRed. Cheap and easy. I draw a line at the top so I can write the date, and in the future if I want to tag it with a colored sticker or something, I can. My layouts usually include divided space on either the left or right of a page. The article goes in the bigger open space, and then the source (always write your source!!) and any commentary goes in the smaller margins.

Commentary is usually why I wanted to print it, what it reminds me of or makes me think about, etc. What I think the argument was missing, etc. Can be as little or as much as you like. As emotional and deep or as plain-jane as you like. There are no rules!

I trim printed text and images with a 12 inch trimmer bc I've got wobbly hands, but some people just use a little (blanking on the name) exacto knife? Any 12 inch trimmer will do mine is expensive but I also scrapbook so I use it all the time.

I paste things in using a tape runner (again, because I scrapbook and found a tape runner and my mom sells scrapbook supplies they're very accessible to me). Some people use tape, washi tape, glue sticks (liquid glue I've never seen).

And yeah, then I just decorate and play around. It doesn't have to be pretty. It can be really pretty if you want - I'm motivated by aesthetics, so, I like mine to be a little pretty.

If you'd like to see how I actually put it together and why I print certain things, my YouTube channel is the place to go.

Some people tape in movie tickets, receipts from where they shopped or ate, pictures from daily life. Some people mix common-placing and journaling, so including diary entries about their day or about a topic they love, or their thoughts and feelings (I keep mine in a separate journal, explained in this video). Some people mix common-placing with bullet journal or planning. Some combine all three!

At the end I just use a printer scanner (HP Envy 5500, cheap) and post them online that way bc I love the look.

People who have other styles you might try and look at are @petite-gloom (an OG who inspired me and many others) @fakelavender , @teddybearsticker .

#answered #commonplace #commonplace book #commonplace journal #journaling #journaling community #stubyblr

[bunnidid-reviews]

hello! system here! I just found out that simply plural also supports endos (ewwy), do you have any recommendations for replacements? /g

Hello! Thanks for asking! Simply Plural was very difficult for me to get into as well, simply because by design its not very good for people with memory disorders. Its complicated! I have a whole post on my thoughts

I suppose it depends on what you’ve been using Simply Plural for.

If you use it as a means of direct communication, may I suggest Antar?

If you use it as a means to simply keep track of who’s been around, I might suggest Daylio (don’t have a review for this one, but it’s a diary app that keeps track of ‘moods’ and ‘activities’ that are all customizable)

Lastly, if you’re looking for something that keeps Alter Profile kinda stuff very easily, as well as ways to make notes and express one’s self freely, I’d suggest Twinote. (No review on this one yet. It’s a notes app that looks like twitter, and you can make as many profiles as you like)

While none of these are specifically for CDDs, journalling apps like these are massively useful for tracking things with.

If there is an actual CDD app, I wouldn’t mind trying it too sometime, but these are what I’m personally looking for in an app. I wish you luck!

P.s. if none of these appeal to what you need and Simply Plural is genuinely the best app for you, then let me be the first to say its okay to keep using it.

Endogenic stuff is very much an online, not even in the therapy world sorta problem, I don’t think anyone’s going to bite you for using an app thats personally helpful for you. If they do, they have bigger problems going on (get some outside time and watch the clouds kinda problem)

Wish you luck!!

#askies #app recommendations

[vixzwrites]

hi, im new to posting on tumblr and havent done this sorta thing in a really long time but i really want to start writing more. i have tons of ideas i want to share and hope other people can enjoy them too.

i wanted to just say abit about me and the fandoms i will be writing for.

im british and like to go by the name vixz online. i use she/they pronouns and im bisexual. some of my favourite music artists are fleetwood mac, taylor swift, lana del ray and the smiths.

the fandoms i will be writing for are:

mcu

avatar 1 and 2

harry potter (golden trio and marauders)

cod

dsmp

diary of a wimpy kid

divergent

mha

tlou 1 and 2

stranger things

twd (game and series)

and some celebs

im not sure if requests are on but feel free to request anyone and if ive watched the show/movie or know the person i will happily write for them :)

#mcu x reader #avatar #avatar wow #mcu #avatar x reader #harry potter #marauders x reader #golden trio #cod mw2 #cod x reader #dsmp #dsmp x reader #diary of a wimpy kid #doawk #divergent #divergent x reader #mha #mha x reader #tlou #tlou 2 #tlou x reader #stranger things #stranger things x reader #twdg x reader #twdg #twd #twd x reader #the walking dead #celeb x reader #vixzwrites

[thornpuck]

A diary entry.

Apologies for those that are just here for the art, but I use this as a diary sometimes just 'cause I need a place to vent. I tag it with self/text so if you wanna flag it I think you can. (Unless you can't.)

So without tooting my own horn too much, I think it's honestly pretty impressive how far I've come in these past few years. It's come gradually but also sorta in an all-at-once sorta way. I've gone from being a right piece of work to someone who's actully trying to be a nice person. I feel like I'm in some weird sitcom about a guy who used to be a bad person try to be a good person - it's almost comical at times.

It's been such a big chunk of character development for me: I overcame being an abrasive online troll to become like, on ok decent guy. Not a great guy, but someone who doesn't get aggressive/insulting to others anymore.

But it's also ... the toughest thing I've ever done. I seem to just be an arrogant twat by nature lol so reclibrating that behviour has been hella hard. I still slip up. I don't want a medal but I feel like that crying cat meme, like the bare minumum is being an ok decent guy but I clawed my way from hell to get to the ground plane.

I dunno why I'm verbalizing all this. it's been on my mind. I guess a part of me also is publishing it 'cause I feel like it's hard to excape being an asshole for so long. I don't expect forgiveness, but I do wanna be like, "I'm not that guy anymore soz about all that :/" AHEM now that that's all out of my system, some other news:

I now refer to myself as an ex game developer

Sticker/merch work is going well, family members are keen to help me out so that's pretty good. I'm really enjoying drawing things inspired by my hometown. I know tumblr is more rainbow-barfing-dogs and less dusky-moorhens but I'll probably lean towards drawing things that are appealing to me rather than try to chase notes etc.

Feel like I've gone from 0-100 REAL quick art wise but I don't think it's anything to worry about? I think for so long (a decade?) I've had feelings of needing-to-study-ankles or needing-to-be-better or needing-to-draw-good but now I'm all: I'm going to sit in the corner and draw my funky little animals and that seems to have alleviated my art burnout.

I've gotten really into tea, like gong fu style shit and I'm like teetering on the edge of geeting pueh which I know will be a whole other step.

#text #self

[cicadangel]

erm.! diary 12/4

hi i havent been online in a bit or written any diary entries recently bc well i was really depressed and then i just like forgot or whatever. but uhmmm life updates sorta/just how im doing right now.

i will start with the good news :-) i am not depressed! ive been feeling good pretty consistently for the past 2 weeks i think? ive been happy enough to be able to function normally and do all the stuff i need to do. also school swim started so i got to see my crush (the one i talked abt a bunch last year) and i actually need him so bad he's so fine i need him. not much has happened w him (in terms of moments or whatever) but it will soon trust!!!!!! also ive been feeling a bit more confident lately in terms of how i think guys percieve me so i hope maybe that will inspire me to make a move but probably not. oh well.

as for everything else. well. i have been having issues with that one bitch "friend" ofc hoping to hit her with a car sometime soon. but thats not rly new ig. i am kind of having issues too tho with one of my other friends bc he's being weird and annoying. recently hes been extremely sensitive abt just everything which is whatever except he won't tell me, he'll just get upset and try to get me to ask him if he's upset except i won't play that game ugghhhhh if u have a problem with me tell me bc i wont understand otherwise!!! i cannot possibly fathom what he's got wrong with him about me so im not even gonna try. if he wants to fix it he can use his words otherwise no bueno it is not happening!!!!

he's also been like. weird to me recently. we're in psychology class together and we're gonna be at the "abnormal behavior" unit soon (which is mental illnesses) and he keeps saying ohhhh we're almost at your unit we're almost there when it's like stop thats actually so annoying. i am abnormal and crazy but that's not ur place to say? i dont talk to my friends abt my mental illness struggles but i guess it is obvious there's smth wrong with me or whatever but it's just annoying. i will talk abt how im against involuntary commitment to psych wards and how sooooo many therapists only end up doing more harm than good and my problems with the whole mental health industry and the modern understanding of it bc it's smth im rly passionate abt, but he just brushes me off as if i dont have first hand experience with all of the terrible ways psychiatry and the mental health industry can fuck people up???? i also feel weird talking to him in general sometimes bc i know he'll bring me up to his therapist (because he constantly mentions it) and i feel like i cant talk to him bc he's gonna tell her and that just puts a weird strain on the relationship. like his therapist knows me, but just from his pov and that kinda weirds me out im ngl.

oh i also got in a fight w my mom today. actually we're still fighting. it was over something soooo insignificant but i got so overly angry like i always do and now im going to make it ruin the rest of my day because i am insufferable. she's just been really angering me lately also ive been feeling destructive which is complicated. i dont rly like the term "splitting" but it's def what ive been doing a lot lately. ugh. also i like dont know what to do with my bpd "diagnosis" it makes me angry and like i just have so many problems with it in so many ways REGARDLESS if i actually have it or whatever which i could talk abt for hours. in some ways it's nice to have a label for what ive been going through my whole life but in most ways i am like not too happy with the fact that ive been handed a disqualification from ever being upset again. if i am, it'll just be because im a crazy borderline! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. more on that whole mess later sorry

#diary

[mermaidsirennikita]

tagged by @ravenkings--thanks much!!!

nickname: Caro-- used to be strictly called Caroline, but I liked the idea of a nickname and started to tell people it would be fine for them to call me Caro, and organically people online sorta picked it up. I now have a few friends and relatives who exclusively call me Caro, some who switch between Caroline and Caro, some exclusive Carolines... And I am literally just Caro at work. Not Caroline at all.

sign: sagittarius

height: 5′7

last thing i googled: lego Titanic set (don't ask)

song stuck in my head: hildegard von blingin's "I Need A Hero" cover

number of followers: 3,026

amount of sleep: usually 6ish hours, maybe 7 if I'm lucky

lucky number: 7, 22

dream job: successful romance novelist

wearing: burgundy sweater dress with a belt, docs, hoop earrings

movies/books that summarize me: 

books: wuthering heights by emily bronte, dreaming of you by lisa kleypas, lothaire by kresley cole, the mediator by meg cabot, waking up with the duke by lorraine heath, the duke gets even by joanna shupe

movies: the godfather (1972), ibiza (2018), bridget jones's diary (2001), pride and prejudice (2005), the love witch (2016), the prince of egypt (1998), roman holiday (1953), the omen (1976), the lion king (1994)

favorite song: work song by hozier

favorite instrument: guitar

aesthetic: a bit 60s/70s, preeeetty dark femme all the time (only wear skirts and dresses, never wear flats due to a walking issue I have that makes reinforced heels the easiest option). never leave the house without makeup (not saying others should do that, it's just who I've been for many years). put together meets boho, I'd say? at the moment?

favorite author: lol fuck, depends on the day; maybe Elizabeth Hoyt? Joanna Shupe? but genuinely, DEPENDS.

favorite animal noise: wolves howling

random: I'm pretty into tattoos. I only have 10, technically--but they range in size from a little behind the ear guy I that's the width and not even the length of my thumb (will probs smudge out someday) to an in-progress single-piece semi-sleeve (my artist calls it a sleeve and I trust her, but it doesn't encompass the entire arm, just most of it, and the inner forearm of that arm already had a sizable piece it's going to accommodate). Though that is actually not my biggest piece, just my most detailed (I have a simpler piece encompassing the entire side of my thigh I'd like to have fleshed out some more someday). I have a "tit chandelier" piece (not a chandelier, it's very organic-looking) that covers the forward-facing part of my ribs and runs up between my boobs; second worst pain I've ever felt. Two of my pieces relate to my love of romance, if not super obviously. Most are what I'd call American illustrative, most are color, three are black linework. First three tattoos were impetuous, all the rest have been thought out with great artists I'm lucky enough to work with, save a lil charity benefit tattoo I got from someone I'd never be able to afford otherwise (actually a favorite, it's adorable). My dream is to write a historical romance featuring tattoos at least somewhat prominently. Ironically, ever since I started consciously choosing artists and planning work, I've never had a cis guy tattoo me, though that's not deliberate. Just kinda worked out that way, and it's interesting to me considering how the industry has historically been dominated by cis white men. Lucky enough to be able to squeeze in and work with some great people!

Tagging: @loisfreakinglane @saint-cecilias @bluetiefling @maxfieldparrishes @thewritersramblings @hptriviachamp @viscountessevie @archistratego

#me basically #sorry for the novel on tattoos i just never talk about them here and they're actually a decent-sized piece of my life lmao #like i'm v ROMANCE NOVEL FANDOM first on here but i.... don't think i've got more than a few months without getting tattooed for years

[primordialangels]

Howdy!

Hey there everynyan....! I just wanted to say, I'm moving accounts...!!

Yes, you read that right! I have had this tumblr for 10+ long years, and I've finally decided to live my true 90s/00s dreams and disconnect almost completely from social media, haha. Here are some reasons for this shift under the cut. Thank you for reading if you do, and peace out! ☆

I realized recently that I have never taken a real true break from tumblr, and that I've been on here now every week of my life for a literal decade-- Since I was like 13 or so! Which is just, like. Crazy. I just think my brain deserves a break, yanno what I mean?

Because while I was on this road trip away from everything online, I realized just how wonderful the world can be when you're not constantly comparing yourself to everything online-- Especially artistically!! And I wanna say this too-- even if you tell yourself, "I'm not comparing myself to all these other artists/sexy people!" Yes. Yes you are. You're doing it even right now I bet. Because it's a subconscious process human beings can't just turn on or off! It just happens on it's own wether we want it to or not! And I realized that becuz the ONLY time I felt artistically shitty on my trip was when I visited a comic book shop, lmao!! I thought "oh god I gotta get better, these guys are so fucking good" but like, I didnt even mean to! I didn't think I was comparing myself at all! But it was like, AS SOON as I saw other cartoonists. BOOM. instantly felt bad haha. So? That told me that I've been feeling that way near CONSTANTLY by being on social media ever since I was 13 years old!! That's literally insane. No wonder I can't "see myself" while others can! I've constantly been (subconsciously) putting myself down for not "being good enough" when in actuality, I'm perfectly fine just how I am! It was hugely eye-opening for me and made me really rethink my reason for using social media, and tumblr in particular since it's, ofc, been my favorite for such a long time...

And so when I started wondering what reason I have for using tumblr, n I realized that I've been telling myself, "I'm using it to gain artistic inspiration!"-- But like..... How much inspo do you need to gather until it's enough? I think I have enough inspiration on this account to use for the rest of my life, really!! lmao! So I want to actually start using the inspiration i've already gained instead of acquiring more n more n more of it, yanno? I just think it's like, lol... My head is full enough! Time to use what i've gained rather than continue to squander it! It's that sort of thing...!

And Ik we like to joke that tumblr is the anti-social media-- But... The sad truth is, it really isn't! I realized when I was meditating recently that all social media acts just like a slot machine. You pull down the screen and refresh and new fun stuff to look at pops up. And even tho yes, followers aren't a big deal here like they are elsewhere-- Tumblr is still no different, becuz it uses that same exact model, yanno? And so.... Yeah....! I just... Haha, idk. I wanna try n use the internet in a more classical way, is all.

So... Yeah! I just wanted to provide a bit of insight into my mindset rn idk, lol.

My new account is > AncientMachine (yes same name haha, I love it!) And on there I won't be reblogging much of anything. It'll just be text posts/my thoughts and feelings, maybe photography n doodles, manga caps, etc etc that sorta thing. A truly personal experience, I would say. So, if you don't feel like following a diary sort of blog, I totally understand, and I just wanna say thank you so much for the time you spent together with me here, especially within these past 2 years. Tumblr has been there for me when often times, no one else has. I've learned a lot by being here. And I think that's truly special, and I cherish this account with all my heart. I won't be deleting it, it'll stay up and act as my own personal archive-- but yeah...! I think it's time I finally move onto new horizons. I hope you'll join me on this brand new personal journey, but even if you don't, that's alright, and so long!! Have fun and good luck out there-- I'll see ya around! ☆

-- Lucky <3

#Signing out #Thank you for the wonderful years together here....!! But I'm finally feeling so excited about the future! #I can't wait to see what's in store from here! #Text #<3

[springbloggy]

Pre-Spiderverse stylization #2 - The Unreleased Disney pile

Now these are two CGI Disney projects that ended up being redone to become the finished movies that we got to see today. Both of these are quite fascinating IMO.

The first is American Dog. This was the last movie Chris Sanders worked on at Disney before being fired off the project, causing the movie to become Bolt. There was many reasons why the movie was reworked, the first being that the original premise of American Dog had all the animal characters being more anthropomorphic, with the ability to walk, talk, and even drive, which raised too many questions for Disney and Pixar staff. The second being the character "Ruthie", who was a mutant girl scout who tried to stalk and kill the main characters, which was deemed "too dark for a Disney film".

Despite some misgivings, there seemed to be a lot of charm and wonder in the settings that are somewhat gone in the final film. There aren't many CGI renders of the movie online and the ones that are available are in a mostly incomplete state, with their final coloring and texturing not applied, but what's out there that are complete are beautiful and even the ones that are in an unfinished state show promise, especially when compared to their source concept art.

The film had sort of a watercolor or painterly style to it, which made the environments look unique and sorta "homely".

In the final production, some of this styling seems to still be around, but it's a lot less apparent than it was with "American Dog", which in my opinion is kind of sad. The second movie that originally had a watercolor styling is Rapunzel Unbraided. Unbraided was reworked into Tangled after Iger took over Disney in the mid 2000s. Due to story issues, Unbraided was reworked back into an earlier Repunzel concept that had been meddled by Eisner due to the popularity of Shrek.

The final movie has some of this, but not nearly as much as this test animation. Perhaps due to how taxing it would be to render or the short amount of time that Disney had to rework the project.

BONUS: The wimpy kid test animation.

This is an example of Post-Spiderverse styliztion, but I want to briefly discuss about it, because I think it's a great example of Disney's current state and their overall practices as a company.

During the 2020 Disney Investor Day presentation, Disney presented a test animation of an upcoming Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie production that looks a lot better than what released.

The final movie was outsourced to another company, which makes me wonder if this test animation was actually created prior to Disney's acquisition of Fox and was created "in-house" by Blue Sky.

Given how the final release of Nimona also had a highly stylized feel that Blue Sky was testing before the buyout with "The Peanuts Movie", it adds more credence to this theory.

But please, don't quote me, this is just a theory after all.

So you may wonder: why doesn't Disney do stylization and the times they try, it looks bad or lesser compared to other studios?

The main reasons are very simple: cost, trying to stick to a familiar style, and that many of the workers that were for stylization left the company. Overall the answer is simply Disney is cheap and full of executive meddling that goes back since the birth of the company. Thus why the final release of "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" was outsourced rather being done in house at one of Disney's studios.

The sad thing is, Disney has the tech, time, and resources to do stylization well. Introducing the Paperman short, a fantastic representation of Disney trying out CGI stylization that released in 2012! Six years before Spiderverse.

The only reason why Disney is trying now, years after the Paperman short, and it somehow looks worse than that is because stylization in movies have been proven popular with audiences after Spiderverse, Puss and Boots, and other films. If they haven't been successful then, Disney wouldn't be (poorly) trying now.

What happened to the Paperman tech? I honestly have no idea. Maybe higher ups at Disney made a decision the tech would add to costs or rendering that wasn't worth it and threw it out. A decision that proved to be poor in the long run.

Or alternatively, this is the Paperman tech, being reutilized years later, but times have not caught up well to it at all and it looks worse with colored and textured animations than Disney anticipated. And because it has not been used or worked on for so long, there isn't a way to bring the technology into modern standards quickly.

Once again, these are just theories, and as far as I am aware there isn't documented evidence to suggest what happened to the technology yet. At least that I am aware of.

I hoped this helps people learn more about these lost Disney projects, as well as Disney's shaky history.

Special thanks to @lostdisney for uploading renders of American Dog that helped me discover more about these lost Disney productions.

#springy thoughts #disney #nimona #lost media #blue sky studios #animation #cgi #gifs #art inspo

[theswedishpajas]

I’m not gonna make any more updates to @ask-distressed-teacher btw, I know that wasn’t made clear but I wanted it to have as little meta connection to me as possible (even if I DID get a lil excited once and did a lil thank you thing as myself)

The last post to the blog was meant as a (admitedly super vague) note to those still waiting for updates, telling you he’s doing better and doesn’t need to try to do some sorta online diary/social exposure thing anymore (which he didn’t want to do to beguin with)

He’s made more progress in therapy and he’s on his way to a happier, healthier life 💖🥺💖

He simply stopped using the blog cus he didn’t think it’d help 😔

#rambles #ask-distressed-teacher #baldi #baldis basics #bbieal #ask blog #i DID have really big plans for it tho #involving my son the mustard man 🥺 #but that felt too complicated #it was gonna deal with a mirror verse where everone were monster versions of themselves #and it was gonna be super ambigous wether or not this stuff was real or just in his head #he’d be haunted by the visage of mustard man #as I’ve affectionately nicknamed his mirror self #who’s really just a gentle giant #but it’d be kinda freaky to look in the mirror and constantly see a version of yourself with the majority of your face #taken up by one big eye with no nose or mouth or anything and instead with two mouths on the back of your hands #idk I just thought it was neat #we’d follow him through therapy and stuff as he talks about the things he’s seeing n stuff #I did briefly consider recording a lil voice clip thing of him saying thank you to everyone on the blog #but while I have confidence in my voice #I don’t have THAT much confidence in it fjgxkxkhxkgzgxk #i know I said I wouldn’t make any more updates to the blog but I might have him reblog this #just to clear things up just in case? #I hate leaving people hanging in the unknown #OTL

[alarisblake]

Rant número 1

Is it strange to feel so anxious even when mildly happy?

Today I started without the desire to leave my bed and yet somehow I managed to do so. After a while it felt like I was masquerading in my own house by giving myself trivial tasks to complete while in the back of my mind stress was digging a hole with all my unfinished tasks. After some time I realized I was jittery but the cold weather had just begun and I thought hmm it’s just cold shivers. So I kept on piling and mindlessly spiraling in the background, shivers kept on coming, and I kept on blaming the cold. Just when I thought I was getting better in the evening when one of the many unfinished tasks was getting completed someone I thoroughly dislike came parading and hugging and asking how did it went with the exam?

Thump, the whole digging went too far that I ended falling upon the other side of my consciousness. I was doing just fine. Just fine. JUST FUCKING FINE.

I answered hilariously we don’t talk about Bruno, hiding the jitters and chills behind my daily over the top mannerisms, the only difference being today they were planned. And he laughed as if he fucking knew because he loves the attention, and fully believes we are all some joke to entertain, when really no one knew him there, no one really cared, and all the smiles of a job well done, they faded away.

Silence fell, just as I did. Just as I keep on falling. It’s so cold at three am that I still jitter, all the shivers they like to stay.

It’s so funny because I’m not one to stutter but I guess there’s a first for every mistake. Today at a pj party I couldn’t fathom the words to say, and my tongue twisted, and the back of my head ached. My throat slipped. Anxiety at its best.

And I’m here writing because I’m supposed to be sleeping and even though I usually get my batteries filled up by social gatherings when we said good night and it was dark and silent. I just wished I could be squished into nothing only then would I stop this anxiety. But when sleeping I don’t like to be touched unless is someone I’ve known for long. Because I’m always self conscious that I move too much, and if I’m hugged I’ll begin to sweat and for some reason those who hugged me in the first place are the first to give one disgusted look. Then don’t fucking touch me at all.

I just feel like I’m too sensitive all of the time, my arms hurt from continuous goosebumps. My sight fails me from not sleeping at night, my eye-bags almost look intentionally done. And I wonder when will my body stop self sabotaging? When will I get it together? When will the voices, the void, the shivers, numbness, the sweat and the cold, the dark of my room and the bright light on my screen, the loud punches on the wall, all the silent screams, the rambling of words, the stuttering I did, when will I finish a question without the need to unpack all the baggage in one go?

I only ever crave to be left alone.

#sorta #online diary #entry #numero 1 #anxious #anxitey #shiver #jitters #leave me aloooooooooooooone

[ls-blacksheep]

Posting my favorite scenes or frames from the films I watch for literally no one but myself, it's sorta like an online film diary so anyway

🎬 Phantom Thread (2017)

Director: Paul Thomas Anderson

(1)

#phantom thread #favorite scenes #love this shit #daniel day lewis #vicky krieps #film diary

[rosieuv]

flashbacks/pathetic rant that you don't care about but I have this urge to post anyway

I remember back in year 10 someone in my year (I don't remember who but they were quite popular if that helps you imagine the kind of person) asked if I had a vlog. Pretty random question considering I don't typically talk to people like them and never mentioned it in conversation, but me being the naiive idiot I was, I told them that I had a Spacehey and gave them my username. Now this wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so open back then online as I used it like a diary. Someone with common sense (ie modern day me) wouldn't make that public, let alone give it to someone I somewhat knew in real life.

Please, for the love of god, DON'T MAKE THAT CRAP PUBLIC! Now people I sorta knew (didn't know all of their names but they weren't complete strangers to me) were reading my thoughts and commenting on them in real life. What made it worse is that I wrote something offensive about someone that I would consider a friend, and I didn't realise at the time because 15 year old me was stupid as hell. I know it's been almost a year since then but I really fucked things up. I eventually made it friends only and there's no point in trying as I'm not accepting friend requests nor using that website anymore as it just reminds me of the shit I said. It's a shame though as that website was pretty cool: it was basically myspace but modern and had a nice little community (and it ran perfectly on my iphone 5c!).

God did I seriously traumatise myself with my own stupidity? ...Nah...probably just thinking too deep into it.

The blogging in me never left though, hence why this exists. Since late March of this year, I've kept a diary that I update almost every day (on the days like today where I missed the previous day, I force my brain to remember it). The diffrence is that I keep that stuff private, which is good as it means I can ramble on about god knows what, but now I'm constantly worried that it's going to be used againsed me as blackmail in the future as uhhhhh...it contains...stuff...anyway the interesting thing about that is that I would only comment about a particular thing in that day rather than talking about everything. I don't know how my memory was that good as I can't even remember what I did yesterday, let alone write an entire paragraph on how I stole a cookie from my school.

I don't know why but I have a habit of having these urges to post whatever's on my mind online to get rid of it. This story did teach me though, is that I should shut the hell up and not tell a single soul in real life that I have a tumblr blog. If I was in that situation today, I would ask them where they got that info from and then ignore them; ya know, what inteligent people do in that situation. I just really hope my parents don't find out about my online presence. I've kept it a secret for almost 4 years but I'm so scared now of people judging me that I never wanted to tell them. Mum's never even heard me swear before, how do I know she won't spent 40 minuites of my time talking to me about personal stuff? People's morals never seem to align with mine and I'm scared that I'll so something really bad and not realise what I've done until it's too late, just like what I did to the friend I mentioned earlier, who I really wanted to get to know more as they were really cool but I fucked things up and they deserve to never speak to me again. The annoying thing with people is that I can't read minds like others so I can't tell what exactly they think of me. It's easiest just not to talk to anyone and be by myself as at least I know myself 100%. The internet is no exeption to this too as all it takes is 1 blog post for me to potentially be:

a creep

a criminal

a bigot

someone who others think is not doing too well mentally

someone who others think is insane

and I wouldn't even know until after I pressed the post button. It's scary as I want to be somewhat well known on the internet but I know that I'll end up causing my own downfall or even worse: knowingly turn into either of those 5 and horrify my past self (aka my current self).

I don't know why I even typed this out, you're going to read this and either not care, or think there's something wrong with me (when there isn't). I just needed this out of my system but if you know me in real life and you've read all this: please, for the love of god, don't do anything about it.

#rant #rant post #ranting #personal rant #story #sorry for the rant

[itchyclothingtags]

first post ever on this blog

this is just me documenting my skills in art, more specifically realism. maybe other miscellaneous things too idk this is just a diary for myself, intended for myself to see only but if anyone else comes across this, welcome

for anyone other than myself (and maybe some friends), i'll introduce myself. i go by tags online and use she/her pronouns. i am a little on the older side (19 yo), studying design in uni. because im not a minor, you might see some nsfw things. i have a close friend who might come on here, might not, (is also into art and studies design) and a bf...... i live a really boring life..... i also really like genshin impact haha (im AR60 fyi),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, what can i say, i just like to explore the open world 6:

i dont really want to associate myself with my other art accounts and whatnot right now, maybe i will in the future, but i want to treat this sorta like a clean slate

~

don't get me wrong, i can draw and i like to do art as a hobby but i know im not exactly that great. there are so many things i can improve on (colour and values, overall proportions, perspective, compositions, dynamics, etc)

here are some of my previous artworks:

hm maybe i should make subpages of my art lol

like a lot of recent artists, i started doing art because of anime and yeah, it really does stunt your abilities when you don't learn the basics of human anatomy lol. i mean i was young and with no proper education in art, realism was boring so,,,

but now i think realism is good art. that being said, i dont want to make photorealistic art - that is still boring imo. i want art that moves people, like 'Ivan the Terrible and His Son Ivan'.

the way Ilya Repin, the artist, captures his emotions on his face. i wanna be able to use chiaroscuro and stuff in my art etc

maybe ill analyse art sometimes on here, i think studying art is fun. tbh what inspired me to start this was a bunch of art analysis essay videos on youtube lol. here they are if you;re interested

~

i dont really care about making my tumblr page look all nice and all right now, i just wanna get good at art. i know my output will be pretty inconsistent, so dont follow this blog expecting something frequent

~

idk how ill end my posts, i want something iconic lol

i think ill just end off my posts like

tag 28112023

ill be able to make some iconic one liner with my user one day

#relearning art #itchyclothingtags #Youtube

[studentsstuff]

Welcome to my Life Blog! Life is getting harder for me to control so I'm going to try blogging to see if it helps, sorta like an online diary that I can share it other if I want to.

Bye Bye Tumblr!