Tumgik
#on one hand I feel seen because I literally have breakdowns over the subject matter and I deeply relate
bratz-kitten · 3 years
Text
attack on titan characters - birth chart analysis 🌙
Here is my take on the big 6 of Levi, Eren, Armin and Mikasa of attack on titan/shingeki no kyojin! I kept their sun signs since we know the day and month of their birthday and since I think they’re absolutely perfect. If you want me to do my take on the others (like Jean, Historia, Erwin, Hanji, Connie, Sasha, Reiner, etc) please let me know! (spoiler warning!)
Levi Ackerman
sun in capricorn - levi mf ackerman is fuelled by three things and three things only: LOYALTY, a strong moral code and power. he is seen by most people as a heartless, unemotional bastard but is canonically the most emotional character - he shows love through very indirect ways and he’s the peak of capricorn in the sense that he represses his emotions – he smiled literally ONE time in four seasons, and didn’t once shed a tear. he’s very hard to read. has a lot of respect for his superiors and follows the orders of only those he’s loyal to. he’s driven by his moral codes in the sense that the protection of humanity is his prime motive for fighting titans. like a true capricorn, is the master of his field of work and cares the most about being a survey corp member. please protect this tragic baby. 
virgo rising - two words: CLEAN FREAK. this man has a strong need to be presentable at all times and hates getting blood on his hands for the single fact that he needs himself and his environment to be clean. his obsession with being clean is very much due to his childhood trauma and how he lived in in poor conditions in the underground. he has many quirks that correlate with this: the way he holds his cup, the carvat he uses bc of his mother, and the way he always cuts his own hair because that’s the way his mother used to do it.  intimidating and demands respect. DRY HUMOUR. 
moon in scorpio - i think he has many similarities with mikasa, especially in the moon and venus. introverted and hates people but will go to the ends of the earth to protect the ones he loves and respects. represses emotions and internalizes his hatred until he has a mental breakdown - which happens in the form of extreme violence. VERY sensitive and emotional even if he doesn’t show it. he’s very intuitive and often acts based on gut; he’s secretive and vindictive. very wise and great at giving advice. doesn’t let himself get manipulated and uses shitty situations to his advantage (like with the reeves company). trust is the most important thing to him.
mercury in aquarius - levi is extremely logical, and hates when others involve their feelings in the making of decisions. his decisions are always backed up by strong arguments and others often see him as cold and detached. i saw someone  mention something extremely interesting about aquarius mercury’s/people with their mercuries in the 11th house: despite not being very sociable, others are drawn to them for friendships – and often they’re the introverts who get “adopted” by extroverts. this is 100% levi’s case, hanji and erwin practically adopted him. being very vulgar with his words and having a distinctive sense of humour, he’s very humanitarian and is actually really talkative but only when he’s very comfortable around someone. blunt, always tells it like it is – like when he tells eren he can’t know what the right choice really is and he needs to choose it himself. teases and insults his friends as a form of affection.
mars in scorpio - levi’s a fighter, a survivor. he knows what it’s like to come from nothing and have to build himself up. very confrontational. reclaims his power by exerting intimidation and mastering violence. others fear doing as much as make a joke at his expense. understands other’s motivations and characters very easily. he’s very intuitive. very serious due to his need for having an intense and demanding presence, for being respected and valued. he’s the one who everyone sighs of relief when things go to shit and he appears because you know he’s the strongest and most dependable person.
venus in capricorn - good luck getting this motherfucker to open up. his trust is very hard to gain but is necessary for working with him – he places his full trust in his comrades and demands the same from them. very work-oriented and takes relationships very serious; it’s really telling that he cares little for romance because capricorn venuses are the ones to date to marry, and will only devote themselves to someone once they believe they’ve met the one. they either want a more powerful and mature partner or they exude that energy (levi is the latter). slightly parental – we see this in the way that levi is pretty much the dad figure. it’s called squad levi for a reason, after all. very responsible. takes care of loved ones and often uses tough love as a form of discipline.
Eren Jaeger - im not even kidding with this one, he has extreme aries energy
sun in aries - eren feels the need to be very independent and he hates whenever he has to depend on mikasa and others, wanting to be strong enough to reverse the roles. he’s very self-confident, bold and direct. very impulsive, he’s quick to anger but is also very quick to forget - especially seen with his arguments with jean, fighting him is basically a love language at this point. aries suns are very fast thinkers and their strong energy may come off as intimidating. they have great intentions but that often becomes muddled with their impulsivity and the fact that they don’t think ideas through. eren is unabashedly himself and fights relentlessly for what he wants. his aries energy also makes him extremely motivated! he believes in the impossible and will make it happen no matter what.
aries rising – aries risings are the trailblazers. they ooze intensity. eren has very much a baby face and, due to his impulsivity and childish charm, people tend to baby him a lot – in the sense that he’s this kid surrounded by adults who needs supervision at all times or he’ll get into deep shit. aries risings are also marked by their extreme need for action, they’re the ones to do now and apologize later instead of asking for permission to do something in the first place. he is guided by his passion and is a natural leader who inspires everyone to fight alongside him. aries risings have a lot of energy which they need to express in a physical way, making them be prone to be very athletic and lead very active lives. he’s also extremely competitive and is driven by the force of becoming stronger than mikasa, and often feels angry when he realizes how stronger than him other people can be. at the same time, this pressure to be better is put solely on himself. he’s a dumbass with a good-heart and pure intentions.
moon in sagittarius – all this motherfucker talks about is freedom and seeing the world past the walls. he craves adventure and is extremely optimistic. but even if a sagittarius moon needs their freedom, they are still absolutely ride-or-dies and once they’ve commited to something, NOTHING or NO ONE can stop their determination. these are also the people to try their best to always appear cheerful and full of determination to hide their sad façade – like when he was nearly vomiting when talking about the titans to the other recruits when they began the training in the military but still forced himself to say that the titans aren’t scary at all and that they aren’t a big deal; he naturally inspires others and fills them with courage. but the way they put on this strong and brave façade leads to a strong emotional turmoil, violent urges and a sudden hostility to others. they are filled with surpressed anger that can lead them through very destructive paths – and the happy-go-lucky child might just lose her hope. we see this in eren in the most heartbreaking way.
mercury in aries – LOUD!!! eren speaks what’s on his mind with NO hesitation whatsover. he’s very quick to defend his friends and points of view, and speaks openly about his passions and dreams. he’s very assertive and tenacious. short attention span and not afraid to give a different opinion from someone else’s. very passionate about what he argues about. very expressive and when an aries mercury disagrees with you, you’ll know it immediately by their facial expression. confident and thrives on inspiring others. remember him being mad when it was discovered the possibility of all titans being humans because now he didn’t know who the enemy is and he NEEDS to hate someone and blame them in order to keep going? ARIES MERCURY ENERGY!!
mars in aries - people look to mars in aries to lead them. they’re full of energy and dynamic, and very athletic - eren exceeds at hand-to-hand combat and, in the other subjects where he’s not so good, his determination makes him push forward and become better. VERY hot-headed and confrontational, which is both the source of all their problems and their strength - they are not afraid of going after what they want and are willing to go through any obstacle to do so, and they’re also not afraid of upsetting other people in order to do so. eren is courageous, loves to take initiative and is very enthusiastic - something that is very contageous. competitive and hates compromise, he likes getting his own way. aries mars are also very individualistic and can have a huge ego.
venus in pisces - i know this is going to confuse a lot of people - like, how does he have so much aries energy, how is he so intense yet has one of the softest venus placements? i deeply believe he’s a pisces venus, and here’s why. his friends are EVERYTHING to him. pisces venus’ love very deeply and are very dependent on their loved ones, and eren is extremely protective of his loved ones and is willing to do anything to protect them. pisces venus’ are very vengeful, too, something that people seem to brush off about them - they might not do anything when you mess with them but as soon as you mess with their friends it’s game over. i also get a lot of “there was no other way, the word had to be fixed” vibes from this placement? like, this placement gives me the energy of someone willing to commit awful crimes under the excuse of it being for the greater good, which is something he dramatically experiences as he grows older and witnesses the cruelty of the world.
Armin Arlert
sun in scorpio - armin very resourceful!! he easily adapts to the circunstances he’s in and works his way around it. very intelligent and with great memory. extremely manipulative, cunning and perceptive. scorpios are known for their capability to be great investigators due to their natural curiosity, and armin has this deep need to see the world outside of the walls and he studies all there is to know about it with great passion. determined to succeed. 
cancer rising - armin just wants to achieve his dream and it’s so soft. cancer risings are very receptive of other’s emotions and incredibly sensitive, but it’s difficult for them to open up to others. his appearance is very soft and delicate. loves to help others and has a naturally warm presence that makes others feel comfortable in his presence. give off a very grounded and stable energy, but this is often because they try to hide their most intense emotions and don’t know how to deal with them/don’t want to bother others by opening up about it. 
moon in pisces - one word: EMPATHY!!! very compassionate. tendency to become a martyr and be very self-sacrificial. VERY imaginative, he is the strategist, after all. can feel others emotions and read them very easily. avoids confrontation but feels a strong need to take the weight off of others’ shoulders and to solve all their problems. very loving and giving, in tune with his emotions and emotionally intelligent. on the other side, this caring side of him can make him see other people through rose-colored glasses, and he is prone to believing in the best in people and giving them the benefit of the doubt. but when they’ve proven their true nature to him, he’ll see them for what they are and will no longer defend them, even if still feeling remorse. notice how he’s always like “this had to be done, we had no other choice” to justify his actions.
mercury in scorpio - bro armin’s eyes are so intense. when he gets on his manipulative bullshit it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look away from his gaze. he practically communicates through the eyes. armin is very sharp and his innocent appearance has everyone still thinking of him as a sweet angel as if he isn’t a whole war criminal. he easily psychoanalizes others to know what they want and uses it to his advantage, like how he used berthold’s love for annie to manipulate him to let eren go after him and reiner kidnapped him. scorpio mercuries be knowing shit, they be knowing everyone’s secrets and others usually confide in them as if they’re their therapists. 
mars in pisces - mars in pisces makes a person avoid physical confrontation at all costs. notice how armin’s first response to everyone wanting to kill reiner and bertold/the marleyans was “please let’s just talk about this first”? he hates violence and deems it not worthy most times. he is very physically weak and aware of his limitations, unlike eren and levi, whose first instinct is to use violence in order to get what they want. no, armin has developed a much more subtle and effective way to get what he wants without using violence: emotional manipulation. he is the KING of appearing innocent and naïve and having people feel bad for him and want to baby him and protect him, and due to his extremely intuitive nature, he knows EXACTLY what to say to someone to get under their skin. he twists his words and emotions to get what he needs out of people and it’s both incredible and dangerous. also, very self-sacrifical and his goals are based on his emotions.
venus in cancer - he loves so much and it’s so beautiful and heartbreaking. he gives everything to the ones he loves and thrives off of being helpful and keeping everyone safe. reads a lot into the behaviour of the people he loves. very emotionally intelligent, wants stability and to maintain peace and may bend over backwords to achieve that. needs to feel understood and has a soft spot for troubled people, those who are more demanding and assertive (eren and mikasa), people he can take care of and who can take care of him in return. very affectionate and communicative. warm presence, you can pretty much feel the love radiating out of him. 
Mikasa Ackerman 
sun in aquarius - if you get past the emotional walls of an aquarius that has them appearing detached and distant because they’d rather use intelligence than seem emotional, you’ll be met with an incredibly soft, loving and caring person. an aquarius strength is their ability to be very unique, individualistic and humanitarian individuals - they truly march to the beat of their own drum. mikasa possesses a great deal of determination and isn’t afraid of being rebellious, especially when her loved ones are in danger. 
capricorn rising - people with capricorn rising had to learn to be very independent from a very young age. mikasa is very intimidating but she has a very doll-like beauty, common to many capricorn risings. these people have had to deal with a lot ever since childhood, but they are fighters and their determination has them being able to survive even unsurmountable odds stacked up against them. capricorn risings tend to be serious and disciplined, and with a melancholic aura to them – which mikasa perfectly embodies. but the fact that these people have cancer in their descendant makes them strongly emotionally attached to their loved ones.
aquarius moon - even under the most stressful and dangerous situations, mikasa always remains in control of her emotions. she thrives in those situations, it’s the adrenaline of the moment that has her being so good at controlling her emotions until it’s safe to be anything but racional again. aquarius moons are feel very misunderstood and tend to racionalize their emotions a lot. however, it’s only due to their fear of vulnerability that they build this emotional walls, because they experience very intense emotions. i always think about that survey corp member saying “what did you have to go through for you to be like this?” when she was perfectly stable in a life-or-death situation. 
mercury in capricorn - mikasa is incredibly action-oriented and she speaks in a structured but confident way. although she’s on the quieter side and is reserved, she’s able to inspire everyone when all hope seems lost, and she’s taken up eren’s words of “if we don’t fight, we can’t win” and uses it constantly in order to keep going. she’s very hard to read due to her usually expressionless face, giving her a mysterious aura. she’s very ambitious, persuasive and determined. 
mars in capricorn - when people say that mars in capricorn people are the scariest when they’re angry, they’re not wrong. they act so calm and collected until suddenly they’re fixing you with a death glare and you’re rethinking all your life choices up until this point. mikasa might be extremely rational and calm, but as soon as someone threatens the ones she loves, she’ll stop at nothing to eliminate the threat. it’s like she fears nothing but ever being unable not to save them. she’s very responsible and reliable, with a lot of physical strength and stamina. very PROTECTIVE, grounded and GIVING 
venus in virgo - this is one of the things that makes mikasa so similar to levi, the way they love. this bitch is LOYAL to her very core. she knows very well where her loyalties are - eren and armin - and is ready to kill all her close friends and superiors in order to protect them. she threatened to kill historia if she got in the way of getting eren back home safely, jumped levi on sight when he wanted to save erwin instead of armin, and got pissed at connie for doubting eren’s intentions after the whole marleyan ordeal. acts of service are very much her love language - she constantly picks up eren’s and armin’s stuff and carries it herself or orders them to rest while she works. it’s very hard to gain her trust and loyalty but once you do it’s forever, she’s very selective about the people she cares for. she’s possessive, too - giving historia the coldest death glare in the world when she saw her with eren. i’ve also noticed that venus in virgo are very difficult to declare their emotions!! they’ll just wait for the person to notice their indirect acts of affection. very attentive to the needs and details of loved ones.  
382 notes · View notes
alrighty-anubis · 3 years
Text
I miss him (tech&hunter&crosshair)
No warnings apply
Tech's emotions over flow after going unsaid for too long. Hunter realises his brother needs some support and that forgetting about Crosshair isn't good for any of them. Omega is the perfect younger sister.
Find it on my AO3
Tumblr media
As the Havoc-Marauder settled into hyperspace, the tension in the ship dispersed and was replaced by the friendly familiarity between the members. Hunter had a hand on Omega’s shoulder as she excitedly rattled off her and Wrecker’s accomplishments on their side, Wrecker interrupting with his own equally excited comments whilst echo (who had spun round in the co-pilot’s seat) nodded along trying and failing to cover up the fact he was scanning them all for injuries. Tech didn’t face them, eyes set on the blur of stars before them, fiddling absentmindedly with a clump of wires he had picked up and had no plan for.
“And then I shot the droid with my bow” “Right in the head, kid’s got perfect aim” “And that’s when Crosshair arri-”
Omega was interrupted by a sharp clang from the pilot’ seat. They all turned to face Tech whose cheeks flushed as he picked up the wires before turning away from them without so much as a glance in their direction.
“Hey, Tech, you alright?” Hunter’s concerned voice broke the silence.
“Affirmative, I have sustained no injuries. Neither has the ship. I apologize for the interruption”
Hunter kept his eyes trained on Tech’s back but didn’t probe him any further, a squeeze to Omega’s shoulder signalling her to carry on.
“Crosshair arrived and started shooting at us and his aim was so good but luckily Wrecker threw a crate at him so we had time to run around the corner.” “You know how delicate Cross can be - took him minutes to get up again” “And then we made it to you and had that whole stand off”
That’s when Echo interrupted, providing his ARC interpretation and analysis on their efforts. Hunter tended to forget how much experience the man had, working so closely with Rex and found himself nodding along with him. The conversation soon got thrown off into a tangent about the new TK soldiers and other developments the Empire were making from the GAR.
Hunter found himself pausing and waiting for Tech’s interjections; he was so animated when they first discovered the changes with the Commandos. But Tech sat silently at the Cockpit’s control desk. As he drowned out the surrounding conversation to take note of the Pilot’s tense shoulders and un-Tech-like lack of precision while handling the wires he felt his concern grow.
He pulled himself back to Echo and Wrecker’s conversation, intending to send them away so he could talk with Tech and figure out what was wrong.
“Yeah, we could’a used a sniper,” Wrecker vigorously announced. “I will admit, Crosshair being a traitor’s kind'a inconvenient. Don’t see him coming and suddenly you're being shot at.” “What’s not inconvenient is not having an attitude!” Wrecker laughed.
“Shut up!” Tech suddenly stood up, his wires thrown to the ground and the chair spinning from the force he left it with. “Shut up shut up!”
He flung his helmet across the cockpit and smashed into the wall with a loud crash. Omega startled and hurried out of the room.
Hunter took a step back and resisted the urge to cover his ears. He felt his stomach lurch at the sight of tears streaking from behind Tech’s goggles. Wrecker and Echo were frozen, mouths still open.
“He’s not a traitor!
“Tech, he’s literally hunting us down for the Empire,” Echo stated whilst Wrecker shouted: “If he wasn’t a traitor he would be with us now.”
“Hunting us down? What like you did to Omega, Wrecker?”
Wrecker physically flinched back, tears welling in his eyes whilst they started to freely stream down Tech’s face.
“It’s not him. It’s not. It wasn’t you trying to shoot Omega in the face. Cross wouldn’t betray us. And you’ve abandoned him. None of you care - none of you did. He got left behind. We left him behind and none of you care or feel bad,” tremors began to wrack through his body violently, “We left him behind. We are the traitors. He’s all alone - the Empire doing maker knows what to him - and we aren’t saving him because none of you care!”
“Tech-” Hunter slowly stepped forward, hands raised in a placating manner.
“What? You're the one who made us leave him. You’re our sergeant, you’re meant to keep us together and you didn’t”.
“Tech-” He signalled for the others to leave, “We did what we could, but we couldn’t get out of their alive and save him.”
“Bullshit - that’s just what you tell yourself.”
“Maybe you’re right-” Hunter considered his options.
It was rare for Tech to feel emotions strongly, let alone let them out. When Tech had breakdowns like this it would be after something had been building for weeks. Hunter cursed himself for not having noticed the signs: taking the night shift so he didn't have to sleep in front of them because of nightmares; not eating’ overworking so he didn't have to think about it. Crosshair was usually the one who helped Tech in these situations, he was the only one Tech felt comfortable speaking to about these matters actually, the both of them not feeling as strongly as Hunter, Wrecker or Echo. He should have seen this coming with Tech’s closest brother being unavailable.
“Tech, tell me, was there a way for us to get out alive with Crosshair? Think.” He commanded, hoping that giving Tech the puzzle would help his analytical mind ease the onslaught of emotions so Hunter could begin to help him with them.
“No.” Tech's voice was strained and croaky from shouting. He slumped forward with resignation at the admission.
Hunter stepped forward and laid a hand on his back. Tech flinched away for a second before falling into his brother’s chest. Hunter wrapped his arms around the slender man and realised this was the first time he had hugged Tech. A pang of guilt made its way through his body as he wondered whether it was more than their similarity that had Tech heading to Crosshair for comfort. Hunter found Tech’s constant babble exhausting and incomprehensible, sometimes leading him to be a bit short with the others.
“What brought this on?” He asked.
“They talk about him as if he’s no different than Rampart or Bane or Tarkin. But he is. He’s our brother. And then they don’t talk about him at all. No one’s mentioned that he’s gone.”
They had all been so concerned with Omega’s safety they hadn’t had time to mourn Crosshair’s separation and Tech, finding emotions as confusing and illogical as he does, had never felt confident to bring him up - not with Wrecker often ignoring what he said assuming he won't understand and other more urgent situations ongoing.
“Do you want to talk about it - him now?”
“I miss him.”
“So do we.”
“Really.” Tech deadpanned, “”It surely gives that impression when you all spend hours insulting him”.
“Perhaps convincing ourselves we weren't as close to him saves us the pain from his absence.”
Tech stayed silent.
“I will talk to the others. And Tech,” he waited until his eyes met his younger brother’s. “We will get him back. I promise.”
Tech sobbed into Hunter’s chest in response. They stood like that for a while, until they heard the door open behind them. Omega poked her head in the cockpit, concern worrying about her face.
“Tech, are you okay?”
“I will be.” He pulled away from Hunter, his cold exterior returning quicker than Hunter would have liked, “I apologise for scarring you.”
Omega reached down and picked up his wires, handing them back to him, “It’s okay,” she smiled, “We’ll get him back.”
The rest of the group filtered back in, they cast Tech concerned glances which he pretended to not notice. The atmosphere was awkward, the conversation choppy as they tried to stick to light subjects. But Omega’s game with her Bad Batcher doll drew them all in.
Tech tapped Omega on the shoulder and passed her a small toy bow he had made with the wires.
“This is so cool, she matches me now!” Omega lurched forward and hugged her older brother.
_____
1351 words
Also I’d love to be sent some requests :)
37 notes · View notes
fuckyeahisawthat · 3 years
Note
Have you been asked yet to rank Trust eps? Cos I'm asking! But your the criteria for ranking I leave to you to decide.
Ahahahaha I’ll have you know I put way too much thought into this. :-D
Ok so first of all, there is no such thing as a bad episode of Trust. The whole thing is really tightly written, every character and plot thread has a purpose, and even the episodes that I haven’t watched over and over again are important to the overall story. And a lot of the impact of the show comes from things that are cumulative over multiple episodes.
That being said, I do have favorites. Since the definitive ranking of Primo’s outfits has already been taken care of, here is my ranking from least to most favorite based on some nebulous criteria of artistic/narrative effectiveness and emotional impact, my judgement of which is obviously highly subjective and also correct.
Under the cut because this got ummm unbelievably, ridiculously long.
10. The House of Getty (episode 1)
Sorry Danny Boyle and Simon Beaufoy, the pilot is my least favorite episode. Still think it was the wrong choice to open with a flashy (and, I can tell, expensive) sequence showcasing the death of a character we literally never see again. And, look, I’m an impatient viewer. If I don’t get someone to root for/emotionally identify with/otherwise catch my interest early on in a narrative, I’ll tune out. And Old Paul is not only unlikeable--far from a mortal sin in dramatic storytelling--he’s boring. I don’t care about any of his rich people problems, and I’m not the kind of viewer who can be kept engaged just by hating someone and watching them be terrible.
Some of the secondary characters in the Getty household do have interesting plotlines, but we don’t get to learn very much about them in the first episode. And I do think things get interesting once Little Paul shows up (although I maintain that the whole episode is more interesting if we understand what the stakes are for Paul getting the money), but if I had started watching this show with no context I wouldn’t have made it past Old Paul’s pre-coital erotica listening routine.
If this had been anything other than the first episode I might not have ranked it last, but extra penalty points for leading with your least interesting characters.
9. Lone Star (episode 2)
This episode is, I think, saddled by the fact that it has to do a lot of heavy lifting in terms of exposition and setup. It mostly works because Chace is an entertaining narrator, and once we get to Italy with Gail I think things zip along at a pretty good pace. Opens with an attempted rape to show how Bad the Bad Guys are, which is...not my favorite trope.
Once again, I think a lot of the information in this episode would have worked better if episode 3 had been episode 1. (We’d already know who Berto was when Chace meets him; we’d already know about the box of guns in the apartment; we’d know when certain characters are lying.) This whole show runs on the suspense of the audience being the only party who knows what’s going on with all the characters at once; I think trading mystery for suspense here was the wrong move. I also can’t help thinking there was pressure to front-load the well-known American actors in the beginning of the show at the expense of the strongest narrative choices.
Imo the best thing about this episode is the sort of...multiple competing images of Paul that emerge. His mom sees him as an innocent victim who couldn’t possibly have planned any of this. Chace sees him as a spoiled rich kid trying to swindle his granddad. Neither one of them has the complete truth.
Next we get into some episodes that are certainly not bad, but their greatness is more on the level of some bangin’ individual scenes than a whole package.
8. John, Chapter 11 (episode 6)
Again, this isn’t a bad episode. The main reason I put it near the end of the list is that the first time through I got sort of impatient during the first half. We, the audience, by virtue of our extra-textual knowledge, know that Paul can’t be dead, and we spend about half the episode before we know what really happened to him, which felt a bit too long to me.
This episode does have some fantastic individual scenes including: Leo talking Primo down in the farmhouse, Leo and Paul’s conversation about Angelo’s death, Gail being an absolute badass, and the meeting between Salvatore and Old Paul. A lot of these scenes are essential on a thematic level, but I don’t think the episode as a whole is the most streamlined.
7. Consequences (episode 10)
I debated for a while where to put this episode because the overall feeling of 57 Chekov’s guns going off in the space of one episode is SO satisfying, and the resolutions of some of the individual plotlines are delicious. Ultimately I would have liked more space for Paul and Gail and less Old Paul being grumpy about his substitute child museum’s mediocrity (although the scene with the bad reviews is hilarious). Once again I feel like the show creators felt they had to pull the focus back to Old Paul to wrap things up and I just. don’t care.
That being said. The resolution of Primo’s storyline? SO SATISFYING. And tbh I don’t dislike the scenes that exist with Paul and Gail; even the happy scenes have this poignant tone to them. I think they were trying to deal with the fact that his irl story is just...incredibly fucking tragic, and you can see a bit of the strain showing.
6. Kodachrome (episode 7)
I know episode 7 is not one of your personal favorites, but it’s the one where I think jumping between multiple plotlines/sets of characters is used to the most satisfying dramatic effect. It has this sense of dramatic irony that feels like some Shakespearean family tragedy. The whole episode, we are hoping that Paul Jr. will finally do the thing we want him to do, which is stand up to his father. And he does it--but at the absolute worst, most selfish and destructive moment possible.
Paul Jr. may be the literal worst, but I do have compassion for him in the flashbacks, mostly because it seems painfully apparent that no matter what he does, he will never be able to please his father. But he doesn’t seem to realize this, and he keeps trying, even as it’s destroying him and his relationship with his family. Credit to Michael Esper for his performance for making me feel a smidgen of compassion for this bastard.
I think the other thing this episode shows is how both of Paul’s parents keep putting him, a child, into roles and circumstances that he shouldn’t really be in. He’s wandering around through what seem like very much adult environments with his dad and Talitha in Morocco. In the Trust version of events he’s there when Talitha ODs and is the one trying to revive her while his dad is having a breakdown in the corner. Gail seems like the more responsible parent but there’s something about her bringing Paul as her “date” on a night out, and the understanding that this is a thing that happens regularly...to me the disturbing part is not so much bringing a young kid to a party with adults but the unspoken expectation that Little Paul will fill the void of companionship that his father has left empty. (Gettys expecting Little Paul to step in to cover for the failings of his father is a repeated theme, and it even plays into the ear thing. His family has failed to pay the ransom, so this is now a problem he has to solve himself.) Combine this all with Leonardo going, um, excuse me but what the actual fuck is wrong with your family? and I think it makes a very effective episode. And the last couple minutes had me yelling NOOOOOOOO GODDAMMIT because you can see what’s going to happen and you’re just watching it unfolding like a car wreck. Also has one of my hands-down favorite scenes, of Paul and Primo in the car waiting for the ransom.
5. White Car in a Snowstorm (episode 9)
The ~ D R A M A !!! ~ This episode is an opera. I mean this whole show is dramatique but episode 9 really leans into the vivid imagery--that snowy highway in the mountains above the sea, the all-white ransom exchange, Paul clinging to the pole at the shuttered Getty gas station, some Very Serious Mobsters throwing the ransom money around like idiots in a moment where you’re encouraged to be happy along with them.
This is also one of my favorite episodes for Primo and for Primo and Paul’s weird sometimes-alliance. Primo walking away from Salvatore to go tell Paul “they always pay in the end”? Primo and Paul teaming up to argue with Salvatore about why Paul shouldn’t die? Primo being all threateny to the doctor treating Paul because somewhere deep down he is worried (that’s my take and you’ll never convince me otherwise)? Primo dressing up to fake-scab on a postal strike in order to find a misplaced severed ear? All gold.
Fun fact: the letter Gail writes to President Nixon did happen in real life, but as far as I can tell the phone call did not. The real details of who convinced Old Paul to finally pay (some) of the ransom are considerably less cinematic. They’re the same amount of sexist though!
Ok now we are getting to the top tier...
4. That’s All Folks! (episode 4)
This is definitely the episode that took me from “ok this is fun” to “oh holy shit I’m invested now.” It’s the episode where we get introduced to most of the Calabrian characters and their world. It’s also the episode where we start to realize that Primo is not just a fun antagonist but is really a parallel protagonist to Little Paul, with his own set of relationships and motivations that we start to see from his POV. (I’d argue that, with the exception of his very first scene, we’ve mostly seen Primo through other characters’ gaze up until episode 4, and this is the point where we start watching him as like, the character whose pursuit of a goal we’re following over the course of the scene.)
This episode ranks high for capturing so much of the weird mix of tones that makes Trust work. It can be very funny. (I never fail to fuckin lose it when Fifty is on the phone with Gail the first time and when he’s talking to the thoroughly unimpressed newspaper switchboard operator.) It has this weird unexpected intimacy between characters you wouldn’t think would connect with each other. (Primo and Paul, Paul and Angelo; in retrospect the arc of the relationship between Primo and Leo gets started in that scene in Salvatore’s kitchen.) And it has one of the show’s absolute best record-scratch tone shifts when Primo gets the ransom offer. I remember saying “oh FUCK” out loud the first time I watched the end of that episode, when Primo comes back to the house, visibly drunk and clearly furious. We’ve seen him be violent plenty before now in the show, but always in a controlled, calculated way. This is the first time we see his potential for out-of-control rage-fueled violence and he’s terrifying!
3. La Dolce Vita (episode 3)
I stand by my claim that this episode (with a few minor continuity adjustments) should have been the pilot. Can you imagine a title card that’s like “Rome 1973” and then away we go with Paul snorting coke and taking racy photos and jumping on cops and fucking his girlfriend in what is definitely not proper museum etiquette, and then the smash cut to Primo intimidating and robbing and murdering people? And that’s the opening of the whole show? And you’re like how are these characters connected and then they meet each other and it’s the fucking sunflower field scene??
Anyway aside from the fact that I think knowing the information in this episode would have made episodes 1 and 2 more interesting...it’s just a great fucking episode. It’s kinetic and propulsive and funny and tense and violent and features Primo’s sniper skills and his ass in those cornflower blue trousers. I rest my case.
2. Silenzio (episode 5)
I’ll be honest, I went back and forth on the top two a bunch. Silenzio is definitely my personal favorite episode, and I’d argue that it’s the best written, in terms of what it accomplishes narratively, which is to keep you emotionally invested in both Paul and Angelo trying to escape with their lives, and Primo and Leonardo hunting them down. That’s so fucking hard!! And yes some of it is great acting but it starts from the foundation of the writing. It’s just such a perfect little self-contained horror movie, and it has this profound sense of fatalism to it, because you know from the beginning (if only by virtue of only being halfway through the series) that Paul is not going to escape, and you sort of know that there is only one way this will end for Angelo. And yet they escape by the skin of their teeth so! many! times!
It’s also the episode where you see how much power the ‘Ndrangheta has over people’s lives in this community: Salvatore is like God, calling his servants to him with the church bells. Combine that with the visuals of two characters running for their lives mostly on foot through this unforgiving landscape, and you really get the sense of this environment as a harsh place where most people have a very constrained set of choices, and the claustrophobia of that. You get the sense in this episode that everyone is trapped in these expectations of violence and duty and honor. Angelo did what anyone with compassion would do, and saved Paul from what seemed like certain death, and he’s doomed for it. At the same time Primo is doing exactly what anyone would expect him to do in response to a subordinate who disobeyed him. In some ways the end of the episode feels inevitable, unsurprising, and yet they do SUCH a good job of winding up the tension until the literal last seconds of the episode, and then releasing it with a big dramatic bang. It’s so good!!
1. In the Name of the Father (episode 8)
Ok I’ll be honest the ONLY reason In the Name of the Father edged out Silenzio for the top spot is that it is really clear they pulled out all the stops in terms of making this episode feel extra heightened in a show where everything is already heightened. Like, the cinematography is different? They still use handheld a lot but I swear there are more still shots and more extreme, editorial camera angles like that shot of Francesco looking upward in church where the camera is looking down from above him. I can’t tell if they actually tweaked the color grading or if the bright white and blood red just stand out against the Calabrian color palette which is mostly earth tones, browns and greens and blues.
There are just. So many layers to this episode. The imagery! The literal sacrificial lamb at the beginning, Francesco being guided by Leonardo through an act of violence against an animal, something that I’m sure they don’t even see as violence but just part of farm life, part of survival and in this case part of a celebration, but something that fathers teach their sons how to do as part of becoming a man in this world. Paul as the metaphorical sacrificial lamb later, drawing parallels to Jesus (the lamb of God), Isaac (a father sacrificing his son), any number of martyred saints, pick your Catholic imagery. The blood of the lamb on the tree stump and Paul’s blood on the stone. The communion wafer (the body and blood of Christ) and Francesco at the end with Paul’s blood and a literal piece of his body held in his hands the same way.
And then there is like, the suspense of watching everyone marking time through the steps of this community ritual that’s supposed to be a joyful, communal celebration, while we know that there is a secret ticking away under the surface. The slow unfolding of the lie told to one person spreading to everyone in the village, and then the knowledge that Salvatore knows spreading to all the people who’ll be in trouble for that. The relationship arcs between the main Calabrian characters...not resolving, but sliding into place for the final act. Primo finally being done with Salvatore. Primo and Leo’s alliance being cemented and Leo physically stepping between Primo and Salvatore, to protect Primo. (No one ever protects Primo!! Still not over it!!!!) The confirmation celebration as a mirror of the Getty party in episode 1, the parallels drawn between the 3 Pauls and Salvatore-Primo-Francesco and how Primo reacts to being passed over as heir vs. how Paul Jr. reacts. Little Paul having two whole minutes of screen time and managing to break your heart with them. Regina! Just...Regina’s whole everything. The music going all-instrumental for an episode and having this haunting, dreamlike but still tense quality to it. And the fact that we never cut away from Calabria to another plotline gives the whole episode this hypnotic, all-encompassing quality. It’s just. SO GOOD!!!!
70 notes · View notes
Note
How they met, honeymoon stage, couple crisis, break relationship and reconciliation of the couple. With your favorite character! Come on, GO GO GO
M-my favorite character? (✿^J^)(ʘᴗʘ✿) gonna hit the self indulgent ask before bed lol. TIME TO DUMP SOME SELF INSERT YAHOO!
Trigger warning: Mentions of blood and violence! (Be honest a relationship with Russia will be the most difficult for many reasons, but there is a sunny horizon I swear!)
Russia and the World Meeting's Secretary Headcannons!
How they met:
Cute if you thought it was all rainbows and happy sunshine.
The secretary was immediately interested in Russia, but it was mostly because of her hopeless romance tendencies and he kept just... Staring at her the first few days of her new job.
They only interacted when England and France got into a heated argument about something, something, "You're cooking's more Terrifying than Russia is on a good day"
Mistakes were made and unbeknownst to the Secretary, Russia is quite the intimidating man.
She was only able to gather that by how silent the room got, either way it was part of her contract with Germany to break up any fights that would prevent meetings from running smoothly.
Stepping between the shivering men, and Russia everyone immediately became more concerned, and kicking themselves for not warning her beforehand.
Russia wasn't even bothered by it, he just simply redirected his aura to the new secretary who he gave zero cares about, and was fully expecting them to run away crying, which honestly pleased him since she had the guts to intervene.
"Hm? And what's this? Is the little one going to try and protect those two from me break in the faces, da?"
She felt her nerves on edge, but with a quick breath her hands were on her hips and she shot back at him-
"Don't give me any of that crap. If you're trying to scare me, go find out how to do that from my Ex Step Father..."
Physical gasps were heard, and the tension in the room climbed until Russia seemingly calmed down- "Da, I will sit down then..."
Their other interaction was just as unpleasant a few days later.
Russia pretty much told her that he doesn't care how strong she thinks she is, that no matter how many secretaries Germany hired, he won't step over any lines so long she doesn't.
He was taken aback by her calm demeanor and that she ignored his threat.
"Look- I'm sorry if I upset you, that wasn't my intention. It's literally in my job description. But If you do that again, I'll have to step in again. It's not you, and it's not me. It's the money..."
Then that same day Russia had seen her waiting outside for her ride, and he had a taxi back to his hotel that he was also waiting for, and decided to stand with her.
She straight up asked him if he was willing to try and start over and go to her place for dinner. All while mentally yelling at herself how insane that sounded.
He denied her, and didn't explain why until his taxi arrived. It was due to his plane taking off soon.
He found her place anyway that night deciding to accept her offer since his hotel was closed and booked for someone else the same time his flight was cancelled until next week.
The Honeymoon Phase:
Literally doesn't exist.
Between Russia's problem with communication, and the secretaries lack of her own people skills it was a hot mess for a year or two.
On the outside they seemed extremely happy, even their public behaviors changed. Russia became less violent (give or take the fact the secretary sometimes eggs Russia on to creep the others out when they deserve it or take a joke to far) and the secretary herself seemed to become more positive and out going!
But behind closed doors there is a lot of unsure emotions, and a few... Incidents.
It wasn't exactly sunshine and rainbows. There was no Honeymoon Phase were they did nothing but kiss, and cuddle.
They were working on boundaries and communication skills from the very start.
They both agreed to keep their relationship under wraps as they worked on becoming close friends first.
Couple crisis(es):
Oh boy! Both Russia and the secretary have had troubling past and neither of which were ever dealt with properly!
There was one time the secretary was trying to figure out how to go about her more, sexual feelings towards Russia since she has moral codes, but after discovering a country can't legally Marry a human (to Russia's knowledge) she was avoiding him on a field trip the allies took to the zoo, for funsies and moral boost!
This enviably turned into him thinking she didn't care anymore and left early to his hotel room. She followed him there.
Upon arrival he tried to act like he wasn't hurt, since she seemingly wanted to explain and that's when things escalated.
He got mad that she was having a rough time telling him what was happening other than "Things have come up and I can't say why but I just needed time to think". After a little bit of back and forth he had enough and tried to ask her to leave.
Especially because now he felt not only betrayed, but lied to. Bad combo.
In return she panicked thinking it was the last time she'd see him again and begged him to let her stay, and they could sleep on the subject, but push came to shove.
He had her up against a chair, hands around her neck and assaulting her with questions of why she was lying, and why she was truly avoiding him.
Then she went silent. Tears formed from her eyes, and as soon as he let her go she ran from him, running into England where he forced her to go to the hospital for the bruising on her neck.
Happy she was able to convince England to not tell anyone, and to trust her, she was now hellbent even more now on talking to Russia.
He wanted to never see her again, but completely forgot about the meeting that took place the next day. His heart sinking as she wore a scarf around her neck, and the glare that England gave him as he walked in with her told Russia he knew as well.
Ironically he also joined her for lunch out of habit. Where she finally was able to tell her that when he had his hands round her neck she didn't see him. She saw her once to be father.
That didn't exactly sit well with Russia either, not until she told him that what had happened was the evidence that neither of them were ready for that kind of relationship, and the person who choked her, didn't feel like him.
She also finally admitted to not knowing how to deal with her desires and was going through a bought of confusion, and apologized for being cowardly over it.
For the next month when Russia went back to his country they hardly talked. It felt like they hit a hard reset on their relationship
Breaking point in the relationship:
There wasn't ever a point in time that they weren't together, just a handful of violent incidents that lead to them To not talking, or hardly talking.
There was three of them. The second one Russia had a relapse with his emotions, and had a meltdown in his home while the secretary was visiting him.
She heard him in his room and was going to ask if he wanted breakfast at home or wanted to go out.
She caught him feverishly clawing at some scars on his neck, blood seeping out, and covering his clothes and sink.
He allowed himself to only be so vulnerable with her, and this wasn't something he ever planned on showing her. In the past he even lied to her and said his scaring flares up and tears due to him being a country (like england when he gets sick around certain American holidays).
He panicked hard as she tried her best to stay calm and help him clean up. Though he appeared willing, he was really just frozen in fear and anxiety. As she started up a tub for him, she offered to clean his wound and he snapped.
He had her by the wrists begging her not to leave, and not to tell anyone, obviously out of it completely.
She tried not to breakdown as well, knowing his outburst would calm down if she just listened. And it almost worked. He had released her and she went to reach out for something past him, and he took it as her trying to escape, so he pulled her, and shoved her to the door to which she fell.
Something in him gave away and he started telling her to just leave and never come back, only when the tub that had over flowed had he realized how he was reacting.
Fully breaking down he cried at the edge of the tub, water now shut off.
She crawled over to him, leaning against the side of the bath, and waited for his sobs to slow down, not caring that her own clothes had soaked up some of the water on the floor.
Once he calmed down, she started to laugh, and when he finally looked at her she explained how much of a a mess they both were. And how insane she must look.
Russia saw the condition her wrists were in after he grabbed her and straight up said he doesn't care if she stays away or even leaves, she needed to get her wrists looked at.
So she called Estonia, behind his back.
Reconciliation:
This would have been the end of the relationship if it wasn't for some eavesdropping from Russia as Estonia checked out her wrists.
Estonia was aware of Russia's agressive nature, but was surprised he had still harmed her, even by accident.
The secretary could do nothing but defend him, and Estonia pointed out that she was being just as toxic as he was by not being honest about what was really going on between them.
She starts to open up about her fear of losing him. How strong her will to stay with him was, and how willing she was to get hurt every once and a while.
She also shared that he wasn't always like that, and the fact he never intended to hurt her, and she could tell he was just out of control, quite literally, was all she needed to stay.
Russia was on the other side of the wall, listening. His heart sinking as he realized the damage he has caused, and the fact she'd be willing to put up with it made him feel better until Estonia pointed out the biggest flaw in their relationship.
She was human. If she was a country she would have been better off, but if he by chance, even by accident, shook her too hard one day... She won't make it long enough to be with him.
That's something that shook them both to the core, and after she forced Estonia to secrecy and he left, Russia came out from his hiding spot.
He looked at her, and she tried her best to keep eye contact, but couldn't.
He sat next to her, all four walls coming down. Now he's cried over his past, and she's consoled him over it rather easily, but that night she couldn't find the strength to, and just let him weep.
It was painful for her to watch as he raised his hand time and time again to try and touch her in some way, asking for silent forgiveness, but she gave him nothing.
Then he said something that surprised her, and even made her give him a double take.
"I- help me..."
She blinked at him, her senses coming back and she clung to him. She was ready to forgive him, but knew full well that if the next step they took he didn't take seriously, she had no choice but to leave.
Estonia had mentioned couples therapy, and Though Russia was extremely skeptical he agreed.
They had to switch therapist at some point because the first one kept pushing the secretary to leave him, not even giving him a chance to recover from his violent tendencies.
It was a fight that took place in the main lobby, where Russia sat. Tears had filled her eyes and he was about to interrupt when he heard her argue her point.
"He's more than capable! That's what pisses me off is people like you who never get to see him when he's at his highest. It was one or two mistakes, but he's just learning!"
Seeing her fight for him unprompted unlike other times before lite a fire in him. Where she wanted to quite the counselor, he egged her back into the idea, and much to their Surprise, after about three months, they were already cleared for the counseling sessions. Even the therapist expressed his surprise in their quick recovery, and commitment.
There hasn't been any further accidents since then, and Russia has learned to at the very least ask for space when he has an urge he needs to shake off, and she has learned how to word things in a way he can anwser without getting overwhelmed, or leaving him to cool down.
I want to share moooreeee but this was so much already! For those who made it this far, thank you for my Ted talk X.X I'm going to pass out now cause sleep, goodnight ♥️
10 notes · View notes
horde-princess · 4 years
Text
A Meta on Catra’s Relationships with DT, Scorpia, and Adora
I’m so excited to write this finally ljsdflkj okay so. I’ve been thinking about why the creators would choose to center a whole season around this new character Double Trouble. They drove the plot and played a major role in a really important part of the story, Catra’s redemption. So I wanna think more about the purpose of this character and go deeper into a couple of their scenes with Catra.
tbh Catra and DT’s very first interaction says it all: DT literally takes the form of Scorpia and tells Catra “I’m about to become your new best friend.” As the season goes on, Double Trouble replaces Scorpia as a sort of artificial confidant for Catra. But it blows up in her face and the purpose of the whole thing is to shed light on Catra’s main internal conflict: her desire for love vs. her fear of heartbreak/vulnerability.
In other words, I believe Double Trouble was introduced as a foil to Scorpia. But if we think about how Scorpia is also a foil to Adora, then that means DT is like... a foil to a foil. So they’re not directly associated with Adora but a lot of what they do relates back to her. Yeah there are a lot of layers here lmao but basically what I’m gonna analyze is how Catra’s relationships with these three characters intertwine and build off each other in season 4 to set the stage for Catra’s redemption (and catradora endgame hollaaa)
So in the beginning, Catra and DT both understand their relationship to be a business arrangement. When does that start to change for Catra, and why?
Catra’s History With Betrayal
Just think about Catra’s relationships at the start of s4.. After the portal, Adora had basically severed whatever was left of their relationship, and that was shown to be weighing on Catra all season. Scorpia and Entrapta were the only other people she cared about, but Entrapta betrayed her (first by monopolizing Hordak’s attention then by refusing to open the portal), then Scorpia dared to question her decision to send their friend to die and her presence became a constant reminder of Catra’s guilt. In fact, the mere mention of Entrapta’s name in 4x03 causes Catra to snap and yell at Scorpia “we are not friends!” ... which of course isn’t true. Catra may think Scorpia’s annoying but she confided in her, her loyalty made Catra feel like she could trust her.. and that’s exactly why Catra always tried so hard to push her away. All the betrayals in her life scarred her so deeply that she wanted to avoid emotional intimacy at all costs. I’m about to get Jungian up in this shit bc we see a deep disconnect between Catra’s outward actions (her conscious) and her inner desires (subconscious) this season and it’s this i believe that leads to her breakdown in 4x10. It’s an unsustainable way to live.
Why Catra Trusted Double Trouble
So by 4x04, Catra had sabotaged her only two relationships. She was utterly alone, and vulnerable, and Double Trouble was in the right place at the right time offering their loyalty to her.. so Catra did what any emotionally stable person would do and subconsciously used a hired mercenary to try and fill the growing void in her heart. I don’t think Catra actually cared about DT much at all, like sure they got along and that matters on some level, but I think it’s more that Catra was in a vulnerable place and DT was the only one around.
So why does Catra trust Double Trouble when she won’t let herself trust anyone else? I’ve seen some posts saying it’s because Catra is self-destructive--i.e. she only seeks love from people who won’t give it to her because she doesn’t believe she deserves love--which is super true.. but I think her motivations can be better explained by saying that Catra knew from the start that Double Trouble didn’t really care about her, and that’s why the partnership was attractive to her (at first). She thought it would be safe--no vulnerability, no risk of heartbreak. But the truth is Catra’s just not as disaffected as she wishes she was.
The moment Catra really let her guard down was when Double Trouble saved her from the collapsing building in 4x04. 
Tumblr media
can we just!! talk about this scene!!!! the way her voice shakes when she says “saving me” just, oh my god... like what a touchy subject for her, right? Shes spent her whole life resenting how Adora was always trying to “save” her from everything. I’m not sure but I think White Out (2x05) was the only other time Catra thanked someone for saving her life, and she just says “thanks for getting us out of there.” So her use of the word “save” here is special and it illustrates how deeply vulnerable Catra feels this season, and more importantly it’s a sign of character development! It’s no coincidence that the theme of saving is connected between DT, Scorpia, and Adora. It’s leading up to Catra learning to replace her resentment towards Adora with something closer to gratitude. 
But while the scene connects these relationships, it also highlights their differences. After Catra displays an astounding amount of vulnerability with DT, they coolly reply “well, I live to serve... for a price, of course.”
Tumblr media
This right here is the first step of Catra’s breakdown. Suppressed desires making themselves known, one half of her heart rebelling against the other. She was pushing away her real friends and finding hollow companionship with someone she thought she wouldn’t get attached to, but it happened anyway.
The difference between Double Trouble and Scorpia must have become glaringly obvious to Catra in that moment. Whereas Scorpia was loyal to Catra out of love, DT was mostly interested in getting paid. And she was surprised by how much that hurt. She fucking hated how much it hurt, you can see it written all over her face. It’s why she fails Scorpia’s little test in 4x06. Because of Double Trouble, Catra’s true desires were threatening to break free, so outwardly she fights against it and acts more resistant than ever to being friends with Scorpia. She castigates her, calls her annoying and incompetent, harsher than we’ve ever seen... but she didn’t expect Scorpia to hit back (we did, tho. Scorpia’s an icon).
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
In four words Scorpia teaches Catra a hard lesson about what it means to earn someone’s loyalty. She knew she must’ve really fucked up if she somehow managed to push away the most loyal person in all of Etheria. And again the fake nature of Catra’s relationship with Double Trouble provides a reference for her to see why Scorpia’s loyalty, based in love, was so valuable, and why she shouldn’t have taken it for granted. It also relates to Adora because, similar to Scorpia, Adora had been trying so hard these past 3 seasons to connect with Catra, but she refused to forgive her and her behavior eventually forced Adora to cut ties. So Scorpia calling her out pushes Catra towards accepting some personal responsibility for everything that happened with Adora, too. Man there are just.. a ton of implications here.
Then Catra gives Hordak a fun pep talk but really it’s just her self-projecting all over him:
Tumblr media
At this point her hateful actions and her goal to conquer Etheria are extremely out of line with her true desires and we can see it’s really affecting her mental state. It wasn’t just one thing or person that caused her breakdown, it was a combination of Adora severing their relationship, and Scorpia’s disappointment in her, and Double Trouble’s indifference towards her. All three of these situations were playing off each other and chipping away at Catra’s carefully crafted armor, revealing a desire to be loved hidden underneath... which she continued to fight against for as long as she could. Adora and Scorpia were playing their roles in helping Catra learn to take responsibility for her life, but those relationships wouldn’t have been so effective had it not been for how they were contrasted with Double Trouble’s indifference. Anyway have I mentioned how amazing and complex this show is????
Catra Loses DT and Scorpia Around the Same Time
4x07 is the last time Catra talks to Double Trouble before they get captured by the rebels. Coincidentally, Catra realizes that Scorpia left her just one episode later, which once again points to a connection between these two characters. From 4x08 to 4x11 Catra is completely alone, feeling like she has lost everyone in her life. It sets the stage for her meltdown in 4x10. But my fave part about Scorpia leaving is how it changes the way Catra thinks about betrayal. 
Even if Scorpia didn’t tell Catra where she was going in the note she left, Catra had to have assumed she was leaving to join the Rebellion because where else would she have gone right? So the two people Catra loves most have now BOTH abandoned her to join the rebellion. I don’t even wanna think about how triggering that betrayal must have been for Catra.. I don’t wanna think about how the next time Catra sees Scorpia she’s going to be a full blown princess with powers and everything, just like what happened with Adora. 
Tumblr media
But there’s a key difference between Adora and Scorpia. Catra knows at this point that Adora didn’t want to leave her behind, but she did anyway to pursue some destiny that Catra wasn’t a part of, which left her feeling betrayed. Scorpia, on the other hand--the very definition of ‘loyalty’--left her specifically because Catra pushed her away. Her fear of vulnerability manifested as anger towards someone she refused to admit that she cared about, and it pushed her away.
Once again I think Scorpia is teaching Catra a lesson about taking responsibility for some of the shit in her life. It’s a privilege that Adora lost after being careless with Catra’s trust, and thus Scorpia was the only one in a position to reach Catra and help her. But I think that the things Catra learned from Scorpia are going to play back into her relationship with Adora and allow them to reconcile (when Adora deals with her own issues too).
We can also say a little about how Double Trouble’s betrayal contrasts with Scorpia’s and Adora’s. I think their complete emotional detachment is the perfect frame of reference for Catra to be able to acknowledge that even though Scorpia and Adora left her, they DID love her, and they never stopped trying to reach out to her--at least, not until Catra crossed a line with both of them. At some point, Catra went from being justified in her feelings of betrayal to overdoing it, placing too much blame where it didn’t belong and closing the door to forgiveness. So I think that’s the role that Double Trouble played there, helping Catra see that difference. Like even if someone leaves you, hurts you, it doesn’t always mean they don’t love you. Relationships take work and understanding and forgiveness and you have to learn how to handle that or you’ll always be alone. Scorpia’s the pure embodiment of that lesson, and she’s lighting the way for Catra to navigate the much more nebulous waters of her grudge against Adora.
Double Trouble’s Betrayal
So now Catra is feeling abandoned by Scorpia and Double Trouble (her only friends) and we see the disconnect between what’s in her heart and the front she’s been putting on come to a head in 4x10 when she has that meltdown. She’s kind of losing it because her fear and heartbreak are driving her down a path that she doesn’t actually want. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. In 4x12 she continues to hold on desperately to the idea that beating Adora will make her happy, because at this point she doesn’t see any way to turn the car around.
There’s an absolutely fantastic scene early in 4x12 that sets up Double Trouble’s betrayal beautifully, like really it’s a masterpiece. Catra’s childhood friends walk in on her in the locker room and they’re laughing and joking around and for a second it’s like... Catra longs to be a part of that again.. To have friends, to be happy. But then Kyle accidentally kicks one of Scorpia’s old doodles (a painful reminder that she’s gone) and Catra freaks out and attacks them. Kyle’s like “we used to be friends, why are you treating us like this?” So she lets them leave, feeling alone and miserable, and THAT’S when Double Trouble waltzes in... having had just made a deal with Glimmer to double cross Catra.
God it hurts so much. The contrast between her pushing away Scorpia and her real friends, and then her childlike relief upon seeing the person who just sold her out.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
This scene gives me fucking chills with the nightmare-ish music and everything.. It’s like, at this point DT is just fucking with her, they’ve already got Catra figured out. This face touch is so cruel and fits with the show’s motif of manipulative affection, too. For me it felt very disconcerting to see Catra like this... unaware that she’s been defeated yet she’s so emotionally vulnerable here, she’s like putty in Double Trouble’s hands. Scorpia leaving cracked her open and, as they’re the last person left standing with Catra’s trust, Double Trouble’s in the perfect position to come in and break her.
So the next episode 4x13 has that crazy scene where Double Trouble totally obliterates Catra and I’m not even gonna talk about it lmao because yall have already done a great job analyzing it. But I do wanna draw attention to the fact that this is the only thing she says in this whole scene:
Tumblr media
Can you believe that’s what mattered the most to her in that moment? Not that literally everything she had been working for for the past 4 seasons had just turned to dust before her eyes, but the fact that this random mercenary she hired betrayed her. And there was no anger at all, just... heartbreak.
And then look at what she says to Glimmer afterwards (setting aside the fact that Catra is basically giving up on life...) she says nothing about the war, nothing about winning or revenge. The only thing she’s thinking about is how lonely she feels.
Tumblr media
So by the end of Season 4, I think Catra did finally figure out what she truly wanted in life. She didn’t want to be on top just for power’s sake, she wanted people to respect her, to love her, so that no one could hurt her anymore. But she was so obsessed with winning that she ended up losing everyone’s respect. Wow haha if only she could get a second chance to earn it back the right way.... like say if, idk, she was trapped in space jail and forced to team up with her sworn enemy to survive and they came out best friends or something <:)
To sum up, Double Trouble’s role in Season 4 was to break Catra’s mask and force her to consider what she truly wants. I think their betrayal taught Catra to really appreciate what a terrible mistake she made in pushing Scorpia and Adora away. It taught her the difference between someone leaving her because they don’t care about her, and someone cutting ties with her even though they do care for her very deeply, they just couldn’t take Catra treating them like crap anymore. It showed her that what Adora did was nothing like what DT did. That’s what a betrayal feels like when the person doesn’t care about you. Someone who doesn’t care about you isn’t going to beg for your forgiveness for 3 seasons and risk being obliterated from existence just to get you back.
But the real beauty of season 4 was how Catra hitting rock bottom had almost nothing to do with Adora. With the help of other friends Catra has begun to find her own reasons to change, she’s acknowledging her guilt and heartbreak and discovering the person she wants to become. She’s learning to take responsibility instead of just blaming other people. And this character development had nothing to do with romance, just like how Adora breaking free of her destiny and learning to let go of control had little to do with Catra. I love the different perspectives on love that they give us with Catra, Adora, and Scorpia. I love how this show takes the “love conquers all” trope and subverts it, saying that sometimes.. love breaks you. Sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes it’s used as a weapon. Sometimes you have to let go of people you love, but it opens up space for you to figure out who you are and what you want and to conquer your own demons. You’ll come out the other side with a better understanding of what real, healthy love is supposed to look like. And maybe in the end, the love you always sought will find you again, in its own time, in its own way. 💘
480 notes · View notes
shibiichi · 4 years
Text
Very basic lore shit for some of the fantrolls I just posted:
~ Burgundy
Pelone Messah: a young burgundy blood troll who enjoys handing out with her Indigo Morail. She’s known as the group party girl and is naturally charismatic but will sometimes come off as rude or apathetic.
Mariot Messah: a burgundy blood who has a deep fascination with the arts, specifically photography. She wants to be the first burgundy blood to traverse the entire empire before her life expires. She is kindhearted and cheery, though can be too excited and reckless.
The Canaress (Mariot): A determined journalist who will risk anything to get the news to the public, especially among the highblood quarrels.
The Sanguine (Pelone): An optimist who travels around to help those effected by the empire, especially after attacks.
~ Bronze
Bonahn Celste: An up-incoming bronze model, Bonahn wants to change the empire’s ways with representation of the lower classes. She is determined and empathetic, never letting her lower blood stop her. However she is overly emotional and is prone to mental breakdowns when picked on.
Zharan Celste: Zharan takes an interest in the stars and constellations. She is a reserved bronze blood who just wants to do her own thing. She’s thoughtful, honest, and intelligent, but hard to get along with as she has a tough exterior and often resorts to a physical form of arguments.
The Ascended (Zharan): A bronzeblood who raised from the depths of poverty despite her status. Holds considerable power but is generally detested due to what actions she had to commit in order to ascend.
The Poignant (Bonahn): An activist for low blood rights and generally seen as a caste therapist. Unfortunately seems to focus on the small things rather than the big picture.
~ Gold
Keelah Tembll: a witty and talented programmer, Keelah fits in perfectly to the gold caste. She puts a lot of time into the work she does but doesn’t forget to let herself enjoy life’s moments. She is a quick thinker, a great leader, and has a dry sense of humor. Often though, trolls are pushed away from her as she can be impatient and cruel.
Pitika Tembll: Pitika is a gold blood with considerable clout. She enjoys using social media and rides the low blood representation trend in each post. She is creative, independent, and inspirational, but tends to be conceded and uses her follower count to intimidate others.
The Eclectic / The Vehement (Pitika): A powerful spokesperson against the highblood tyranny. Known for using their psionics to deface public structures and commit arson against imperial buildings.
The Prioress (Keelah): a devout cult priestess who sing’s the highblood’s praises and treats the fuchsia caste like gods.
~ Lime
Mellon Usilue: A soft-spoken and sweet lime blood, Mellon is seen as the troll empire’s ultimate friend. She can manage to get along with most anyone and is always there to help anyone out, no matter the blood color. She is generous, sweet, and patient, though tends to let people walk over her or use her for their gain. She is also ashamed of her body and tends to get defensive if someone brings it up.
Pirchh Usilue: a headstrong and confident lime blood, Pirchh can be hard to get along with at first glance. She’s incredibly bold and doesn’t let others push her around, especially highbloods. Getting past her spiky exterior opens up to a troll who cares a lot about her safety and the safety of those who often get picked upon. She’s incredibly resilient and all about helping trolls better their lives through tough love.
The Tӎerarii (Pirchh): a lime blood who took the highblood upset into her own hands and aims to raise a rally of other trolls, using her calming abilities to manipulate other highbloods onto her side.
The Succorer (Mellon): an ambassador to the fuchsia empress who speaks fondly of the ruling caste, working to spread a positive image and damage control.
~ Olive
Rulani Pumale: this olive blood is the definition of reclusive. Rulani doesn’t like going out much and rather would stay inside all day in bed and on social media. She’s generally optimistic and loves talking to people who share her interests, though she can also be snide and a tad selfish.
Ozzidi Pumale: Ozzidi is an olive with an objective. She is seen as ‘quirky’ but also incredibly friendly to those she meets. She often gushes about her matesprite and will talk a troll’s ears off about them. Unfortunately though, she has a strong distaste for sea dwellers and will go around with her matesprite to harass high blooded sea-folk. She strangely has a fascination for origami though.
The Eleeinos (Ozzidi): One half of a pair of greenblooded killers who seek out sea dwellers to cull. Considered the less respected of the two due to her Olive caste and is constantly put down because of it.
The Duressor (Rulani): An olive blood who takes pride in collecting bounties on troll of all castes, no mater their personal views. She’s in it for the money and infamy.
~ Jade
Vennis Arvone: Vennis is a Jade blood that acts the part. She’s loving and helpful, enjoying acting like the mother of the group. She loves to clean and make things look fancy, taking a preference to interior design. Although she is a wonderful friend, she can be a bit judgmental of those she doesn’t know that well and tends to take them by appearance only.
Kimqey Arvone: Kimqey is an interesting Jade to be sure. She comes off as incredibly sweet and optimistic, but is able to casually talk about her disdain for all things sea dweller in the middle of her perky conversation. Kimqey and Ozzidi are matesprites that both play off one another’s hatred for the higher classes, though Kimqey seems to be worse then the olive blood. Fortunately though, her rage for sea dwellers tends to be calmed when she is with her matesprite and partaking in her favorite activity, which is applying makeup.
The §urmouna (Kimqey): The second half of the green blood killers. The higher respected half of the two and a rainbow drinker to boot. She is especially know for her viciousness.
The Aigrette (Vennis): A sort of doll for the image of the empire. Acts as a representative for what the citizens of the Empire should act like.
~ Teal
Pixuhn Aridel: Pixuhn is a laid back, down to earth teal that’s just here to have a good time. She has little to no grievances with anyone and enjoys simply being with her friends and partaking in fun activities with them, from watching movies to her favorite, card games. She isn’t the best troll to go to when you need to vent though, as she can come across as insensitive and apathetic to another’s troubles.
Motaro Aridel: Motaro is a teal that definitely could cut the coffee. She’s very hyper and loves to know what’s going on at every point of the day. She’s an open book with her feelings on subjects and will take any dare given to her. Her favorite activity would have to be baking, especially with fruits like peaches. She can be blunt though and unintentionally hurtful with her words, and tends to push the blame onto others instead of taking it on herself.
Jingoist Gleefoul (Motaro): a dedicated loyalist to the fuchsia crown and fights for their empress’s title. Doesn’t know of much which is going on but dedicated to the fuchsia caste nonetheless.
Gambless Malcheck (Pixuhn): a teal blood who enjoys putting the lives of others at stake in order to feed her destructive habits. Employed by mostly highbloods to ensure a caste lower than themselves will be punished severely for any sort of crime.
~ Cerulean
Qinnly Moboke: The cerulean blood Qinnly is quite literally as chill as you could possibly get. She’s open to most ideas and goes with the flow in almost all situations. She’s a good friend to go to for your troubles and loves trying to help her friends cope by distracting them with challenges that can often lead to death. Unfortunately she can be a bit nosy and unintentionally manipulative.
Czenik Moboke: Czenik is a cerulean blood that lives up to her caste. She is generally abrasive and foul, taking an interest in expanding her collection of caste blood related memorabilia. She takes full advantage of her class’s psychic abilities when expanding her collection. Fortunately, she can be pleasant and goes on surprisingly cheerful rants about her possessions. She values their rarity and difficulty in collecting, while also showing respect to fellow subculture connoisseurs.
Chancellor Coimetro (Czenik): A cerulean who works to subjugate the lower classes and keep them ignorant. Due to this she was promoted.
Tsaritsa Duplexda (Qinnly): A blue blood cerulean who seized parts of the empire and places herself on top of those stolen areas. Surprisingly good at avoiding culling.
~ Indigo
Balton Istahg: Balton is one of the sweetest Indigo bloods you’ll ever meet. She’s got a passion for the art of hair care and loves when her friends let her do their hair. She’s also interested in tattoos and and gives herself her own ink. She’s soft spoken and agreeable, though can be distant, anxiety prone, and uncomfortable around most people.
Iaasik Istahg: Iaasik is a quick and sassy indigo who knows what she’s good at. She’s heavily into the tech and hacking scene, enjoying the thrill that comes along with code breaking other’s security. Due to her interests though, she can be abrasive and often concerns herself with other’s private problems. She often doesn’t realize when she steps over the line and into someone’s private bubble. Fortunately, she’s a quick learner and is able to catalog other’s specific qualms once she’s told.
Harborer Vaedread (Iaasik): A indigo blood with access to what is happening among the highbloods. Unable to speak of the misdeeds to the public for fear of being culled by either the sea dwellers & clown, or the cerulean chancellor.
Brandern Mokoband (Balton): works as a trader of trolls. Got her title due to her infamously painful branding procedures when trading low blood slaves.
~ Purple
Piyntl Cumber: Piyntl takes the Purple blood clown aesthetic to heart and loves rocking it. She’s bubbly and excitable, often being the loudest of the group. She especially enjoys theater and teaching her friends how to do basic gymnastics. She can come off as overbearing though, and tends to have a negative emotional reaction to blunt but honestly comment’s about her behavior.
Ophiil Cumber: Ophiil is a purple blood hatched with a deformed face. She’s incredibly kind hearted though it’s hard to get bast her tough exterior she put’s up. She can come off as masochistic, and her Lusus only seems to encourage this behavior. She’s gotten used to playing the part as that’s what trolls expect of her due to her appearance and blood color, figuring it’s easier to participate in the role given to her rather than deviate from it.
The Heiress PhobepyꙞ (Ophiil): A purple blood who takes claim to the throne in stark competition to the other highbloods. Once worked with said highbloods to eliminate the fuchsia empress but could not agree to who would be the new empress.
The Funambulist Cuspidhg (Pintyl): a purple blood who opted to run away from the empire and achieve her dreams of simply thriving in life. Surprisingly pure hearted for a purple blood.
~ Violet
Luvici Vonmet: Luvici is a violet seadweller with a penchant for beauty. She’s absolutely obsessed with the fashion of the universe and finds it her purpose to introduce it to the empire. She loves seeing others participate in what most would consider unimportant but can easily get jealous by those she perceives as threats. She can be selfish and egotistical but can also be inspiring and creative.
Gurroe Vonmet: Gurroe is a quiet violet sea dweller who enjoys putting her mark on society. And by mark I mean she wants to paint it with blood to match her aesthetic. She loves all things gory and cute, not realizing that her actions hurt those around her. Even so, she’s incredibly artistic and and gives off the “cool quiet troll” vibe.
Grandeur Bowellox (Gurroe): One of the highbloods fighting for the throne. Was responsible for raising the Ascended into infamy and now hovers over the Ascended, making sure she stays in line and lays her debts.
The Cavalier Scalchic (Luvici): A violet blood who works with the Cerulean Tsaritsa and protects her from the rein of the current fuchsia empress. Acts like her knight or bodyguard in a sense.
~ Fuchsia
Opelic Uridae: Opelic is a fuchsia heir that is prepared to take back the throne for the fuchsia caste. She is determined and extremely talented in the topic of political debate. She’s a quick thinker and is incredibly confident, though she can come off as greedy, materialistic, and narcissistic due to her caste.
Hostia Uridae: Hostia is the sweetest of fuchsia bloods. She is very quiet and reserved, preferring to keep to herself rather than a group of friends. She extremely concerned about the environment around her and advocates for it’s preservation. She does tend to try and please everyone though, leading to multiple empty promises and generally has poor planning skills.
The Pusillan (Hostia): A fuchsia who was a victim of circumstance. Proved to be too weak-hearted to lead the empire so was culled by a group of three highbloods.
The Vainglor (Opelic): A powerful fuchsia empress who does not want anyone near her throne. Uses those below her to spread propaganda about the empire and actively tries to silence any rebellions or rivals.
~ Mutant
Marett Cyclik: a fun-loving and light-hearted mutant fuchsia who tries not to take her odd hue very seriously. In fact she tries to take everything as a joke, which causes others to perceive her as uncaring. She is quite giggly and is incredibly easy to make laugh. She can be easily distracted and is often incorrectly labeled as an airhead.
Harqui Cyclik: a mutant fuchsia with a twisted sense of humor and entitlement. She finds herself to be the proper heir to the throne though prevents herself from challenging it as she’s aware of the stigma around mutants. She’s rather self conscious but tends to lash out aggressively at anyone who may point this out.
The Rhadaman (Harqui): A mutant fuchsia with yet another claim to the throne. Pairs with The Heiress PhobepyꙞ to take down the grandeur but but now fights a risky battle with the purple blood heiress, leaving the empire in a shaky state with no real leader.
The Quipster Paltryin (Marett): An (unfortunately) outspoken mutant who works to poke fun at the empire. Produces works which directly go against the empire’s values and acts as an anonymous voice for the lower castes. Lives in clown exile with The Funambulist.
14 notes · View notes
bitchynonlawyer · 5 years
Text
AN EVEN DEEPER DIVE™ INTO THE THEMATIC SYMMETRY IN MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE.
A Breakdown of the character relationships in Rogue Nation and Fallout
For: @not-too-tall-for-trick
Y’all, I literally spent four days of my spring break working on this Rogue Nation Analysis Video and I also made this post a while ago touching on this subject, but I really can’t stop thinking about this. So here we go diving deeper into the implications of the characterizations of Ethan, Ilsa, Lane, and Benji.
Ethan Hunt will always do good no matter the cost. He disregards his own wellbeing if it means that the world will be safe. This is consistent in his characterization throughout the franchise. Which leads to the tragic implications that Ethan and by extension Team Hunt aren’t fully realized, elf-actualized people. They are tools for the government they work for, even if they are not loyal to that government.
Ethan’s loyalties despite everything he has gone through has always been on the side of protecting human life and the innocent. And he has remained able to keep a steady head on him, unwilling to sacrifice the needs of one over the needs of the many. Hunley even says as much to him in the beginning of Fallout. But never once throughout Rogue Nation and Fallout does the audience ever see Ethan being concerned with his own wellbeing.
When The boat scene in Rogue Nation occurs, Ethan already has made a decision to send Benji away: “I can’t protect you, that’s why I NEED you to leave.” The dialogue here is very significant. It’s not a want, a selfish desire. No. Ethan needs Benji to stay safe which is want informs a majority of the decisions he makes in Rogue Nation especially. The entire plot of Fallout kicks off because he was unwilling to let Luther, his oldest friend, die.
Ethan can never choose between the needs of the few and the needs of the many, at that includes himself.
Ethan, having done this for like some 20 odd years now, understands this. Ilsa however differs, but they go through similar circumstances that parallel and make them interesting to analyze closer.
Ilsa is not a bad character, (morally speaking anyway, her character in the narrative is fucking amazing and I love her and so do all my other film major friends) She has different priorities than Ethan, yet they strive for similar things, making them thematic mirrors/parallels.
Ilsa is put in a similar situation of having to go rogue in order to bring down the syndicate, she is forced to be disloyal to her government in order to live. Ilsa still holds on to her personhood and does not accept that she must be loyal to Lane or Atlee. She and Ethan agree that Lane needs to be stopped and no one will believe them, but she still believes she can walk away from the spy world and become a free woman.
“Lane, Atlee, your government, my government, they’re all the same. We only think we are fighting for the right side because that’s what we choose to believe.”  
She is ideologically more aligned with Ethan than she is with Lane. She does not agree with his methods, but she understands why Lane is opposed to his government. She is concerned with survival above all else, which is why in Fallout she must kill Lane. Otherwise, she will never again be able to live in peace.
So, both Ethan and Ilsa experience similar character arcs, but they go about it in different ways making them not foils but parallels of each other. They are on equal standing in the narrative but can’t see eye to eye in a few things.
Contrast that between Lane and Benji. The narrative between both Rogue Nation and Fallout posits them against each other and are in an odd position of being mirrors of the other, as well as being highly antagonistic towards each other to quote my friend @Snovyda
“Which is peculiar, because usually, parallels are drawn between the main villain and the main hero. Not between the villain and the hero's friend.”
They aren’t exactly mirrors, but they are linked thematically, they are connected
See, they are both competing for Ethan’s attention (not in a ship or romantic way, I just don’t have a better way to say that, the English language can only take me so far.)
It’s inferred that Ethan was to be turned to Lane’s side after that whole torture sequence, in which Ethan looks like a whole ass snac (rip sorry it’s just Tom Cruise’s Arms Make me feel safe, amongst other things) Vinter even says “What does He [Lane] see in you, I wonder?”  Lane saw protentional in Ethan to become a terrorist (That’s what he is be we don’t really have time to unpack all that.) And Lane was attempting to manipulate Ethan by whichever means to get what he wants, which is ultimately the disk. To him, human nature is something easily manipulated, which is somewhat proven right when Ethan unlocks the disk in order to keep Benji safe.
Lane sees no other way to becoming his own person than through terroristic acts. He also is definitely the leader of The Syndicate; he shoots those he deems have outlived their usefulness and the audience is never shown if he ever takes any advice from those around him. He is violent, cold, calculating. Contrast with Ethan who is caring and compassionate and only managing to get by, but because he values his team’s input, because they are all equals, he prevails.
Benji is competing for Ethan’s attention in that, he wants Ethan to know that he does not need to be alone on his mission to stop The Syndicate. He wants to be seen as just as capable. He and Lane are both monitored intensely by their government, and how they react to this informs the audience of their character’s and make them appear as thematic mirrors of the other. They both rebel against their government, in order to achieve their goals. Benji wants to help Ethan and take down The Syndicate even if he does not come to believe that the syndicate really exists at first.
Lane from the get-go seems to know about Ilsa’s mission to infiltrate his group but still believes in her potential, it is not until he realizes the disk is empty, that he truly turns against her.
In Fallout, Lane who is far more concerned with revenge, states this to Ilsa: “Ethan Hunt will lose everything and everyone that he ever cared about.”  And immediately after that, the audience hears Benji’s voice coming from the off-screen space. The editing is very intentional in setting up that Lane is not referring to Ilsa, but Benji.  The dialogue choice is very deliberate here. Because first off, the laymen will take “everything” to include “everyone”. The way Lane does this is very reminiscent of their conversation in the graveyard in Rogue Nation. “I’d like to see who you blame for what happens next.”
He is making it clear that whatever is to happen in the following encounter, it is her fault. If Benji dies his blood will be on her hands. This also makes it clear to the audience that Benji, is the “everyone” that Ethan cares about. Which is quite telling and functions on two levels in the narrative.
Firstly, Benji serves as a metonym of the entire conflict that Ethan has throughout the course of the narrative. His Team vs The Mission. Secondly, it reinforces that idea that Lane and Benji are forcibly connected.
Lane attempts to hang Benji, not shoot him or any quicker means of murder. No, he ties a noose around his neck and forcibly hangs him. Benji is the one that got away, the one who lived. Benji is the one Ethan’s attention was on, and how perfect it would be to kill him now that Ethan’s attention lies elsewhere.
The reasoning Lane has however also extends in his logic for tying Ilsa up. While it seems that His revenge is sole focused on quite brutally killing Benji, it isn’t.
Ilsa refuses to kill an ally or any innocent person. Her final test was based on killing both Ethan and Benji after Lane got the disk. Yet she refused. Because he has known her for a longer period of time he is able to use this knowledge in order to enact his revenge.
Vinter says something quite apt in Rogue Nation, that is “People break in different ways” and so the same logic applies here. Lane’s aim here is for Ilsa to be made to feel helpless, making her complicit in Benji’s murder. That’s why Lane gives his whole revenge speech to her. She is not meant to be included in the “everything and everyone”, she is just an observer, forced to watch Benji die, She is apart from them, and Benji, whom Lane knows Ethan would sacrifice anything for, is the one he sets his eyes on to be more brutal.
The Character dynamics between these four are very connected and reinforced through the narratives making them, if not mirrors of each other, then thematically linked at the very least. 
57 notes · View notes
slothcritic · 5 years
Text
Dragon Ball Z Abridged - Episode 4 Review
Hit-or-miss introduction makes way for some golden moments.
Tumblr media
The opening skit for Snakeway to Heaven has a satisfactory comedic weight to it, though upon re-watching it for this review, I noticed an editing mistake I had never noticed before, despite becoming a fan of the series in 2012. When Goku falls off Snake Way, the scene actually freezes on that frame. It wouldn't be noticeable if the truck itself hadn't frozen as well. Small gripe but I thought it was an interesting observation to share.
[Title Sequence]
Goku's scream carries over into the first few seconds of the intro and resumes near the last few seconds, which I found to be a well played editing decision.
Once Goku has stopped falling, we're treated to an amusing take on the filler ogres from hell. The blue one is given the Swedish Hansel-und-Gretel accent while the red one speaks like a German or Austrian. And puritan as ever, KaiserNeko made sure to use the original, unedited footage. It would’ve been funny to see them maybe have a scene or two with the ogres wearing their different HFIL shirts, or maybe a bit more fun poked at the Ocean Dub, but no such luck in this scene.
TFS doesn't spend too much time on this scene at all, really. It’s filler, and so nothing here really matters to the story aside from laugh-factor. The comedic nature of this first scene is that it’s rushed. Goku swindles the two ogres out of a fight, like he’s trying to swindle the show into skipping this filler arc, as he immediately guns it for the exit... and then stops?
It would've been a much more emphatic punchline if the scene had changed right here. Instead we have an awkward stop-and-go motion to the scene they're trying to orchestrate and it feels stilted. A lot of this scene after Goku finds the exit I find to be entirely unneeded. Raditz has already been established as being in Other World so the callback here wasn't necessary, the special King Yemma fruit could be argued for having no plot relevance as it never existed in the manga, and we didn't really need that post-Goku scene to get the hint that these ogres were very chummy with each other when it came to subjects like oil wrestling and speedos.
But then, where would they put that great joke about the Blood Fountain? And the small dialogue about Dabura I did find risible as a fan of the original DBZ, despite my usual curmudgeonly take on yet-to-be-established jokes. Like many things, this does get much better as the series continues, eventually turning some moments of sequence-breaking into moments of well-crafted foreshadowing. This is just a funny pointless joke, and a nod to fans of DBZ, that has no impact on the actual story of DBZA itself.
Again, this isn't too much of a big deal. Just a whole work-with-what-you've-got bizarre scenario likely due to bizarre source material. Yet this was all deemed funny enough to edit, voice and keep in the episode instead of trimming it out like the other 90% of this mini-arc. I'm not convinced the presentation was done to par, but I do feel that the inclusion of "Goku in Hell" is necessary for the sake of tying loose ends together. Also, it would've been a far more egregious decision to have that cold open end in a do-nothing cliff hanger. So, a goofy scene and perhaps iffy writing, but not terrible.
We then return to the person who has so far been the breadwinner of the series, and Piccolo hasn't let up on either the humor or Gohan. Kind of a contrast to how somber he is in the show. It's not whack-a-doodle humor, it's exaggerated frustration and exasperation, which lands almost dead-center on my humor nexus.
But even better than Piccolo has to be this next scene - Debatably the first "meme" or seriously quotable moment in the show's history: Popo's Pecking Order.
On paper this doesn't look like it'd be necessarily funny, but when you attach to it a very do-nothing character like Mr Popo and turn him into a sadistic dictator, combined with the special emphasis and excellent delivery of the line, it's simply outstanding, and raises the bar for this entire episode.
Now I've said before that the source material of Z shouldn't factor into the end product that is DBZA. If I were to show this episode to my mother, I shouldn't have to show her all 291 episodes of Z so she can understand it. The show should be able stand on its own. That's not to say parody should have zero factor in the writing of this, or that there should be zero references at all, ever. By god what a silly thing to imply. But people can still enjoy Spaceballs even if they haven't seen Star Wars.
However, in the case of Mr Popo, DBZA does a good job of setting up Popo in the same way Z does. He initially speaks in a low, subdued tone, and is spoken of by Kami as some kind of adviser, or perhaps a respected peer, but as someone who is indirectly and respectfully implied to be below him. After all, it's called Kami's Lookout, not Popo's Lookout, and Kami is literally regarded as "The Guardian of Earth" while Popo just appears to be... there.
That all changes the second Kami leaves the outdoor area and Popo is entrusted with the reigns of the new Z Fighters. LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS!
The Krillin Owned Count also chimes three in this scene, and shows its first signs of picking up momentum.
Back on Snake Way, Goku gets eaten by the head of snake way, which leads into Jadoshin's palace. This is such a quick, cheesy, quirky but funny edit that I'm not sure what to say beyond I enjoyed it. It just hits you and then boom, you're in her castle.
The joke of Jadoshin being voiced by Solid Snake (Princess Snake, Solid Snake, on Snake Way) seems like a bold strategy but I think it's one of the better jokes they've committed to that ended up being really good, at least this early on. The voice even lends itself to the awkward dialogue that would've simply lost its charm or fallen flat otherwise.
Unrelated, but one of my favorite lines from the dub happens in this scene, where Jadoshin's attendant simply says "I've got something to show you. And it's my gun.", and then kills herself with it. I didn't expect to see that in this scene, but a small part of me did hope.
When Goku finishes up in the hot springs (with a Metal Gear Solid box gag to boot) and tries to leave, Jadoshin then states that she wants Goku inside her. Goku is confused, of course, and smash cut to Goku flying for his life from a massive green fire-breathing snake trying to eat him.
Jadoshin however still has the voice of Solid Snake even in this form, complete with periodic grunts as they maneuver through the air. This eventually transitions into Jadoshin saying waka-waka, and the backdrop changes into a Pac-Man map. The Pac-Man skit was perhaps a bit overdone, with Goku finding meat instead of the normal fruit, but on the whole this was a very "solid" scene.
During the Ozaru scene, I feel like Piccolo just screaming "MOOOOOOOON!" in the DBZA Kai version is funnier than the "Stop mocking me!" we got in DBZA proper. Also, donkey kong barrel, really? It's not bad, but it's an "oh, brother" moment, like hearing a very bad pun.
When Gohan transforms back into his human (or Half-Saiyan technically) form, his junk is censored with a Dragon Ball. This is an interesting contrast in philosophy over the years, as KaiserNeko explained the decision "to not censor baby dicks" in a Episode Breakdown livestream on the Broly Abdridged movie, where Broly's baby wiener can be seen uncensored in a few scenes of that movie.
The episode ends with Goku continuing down Snake Way, having tied Jadoshin up into a tangled ball, prompted the GAME OVER screen and someone yelling "Princess Snaaaaaake!"
Conclusion
Despite my lackluster thoughts on how Hell was handled, this episode had a lot going for it compared to it's predecessors! Most of the episode was spent on two strong scenes, and while I didn't think the Ozaru scene was anything special, it didn't feel out of place or off-kilter, but provided more insight and I suppose world-building into the relationship between Piccolo and Gohan and the constant reminder that they're training to eventually face off against the Saiyans. This is further reinforced by Stinger #2 with Nappa and Vegeta en route to Earth.
This was almost opposite to Episode 3, which I felt had strong bookends. While I didn't find the end of this episode to be bad, it was simply "alright" when compared to the Popo and Jadoshin scenes. Characters are starting to have stronger internal identities instead of simply being parodies of their original counterparts. Though it is noteworthy, and rather obvious, that this only applies to characters with speaking lines. Tien, Yamcha and Chiaotzu made their first appearances but had nothing to say. Maybe it would have been cluttered or detracted from the pacing of the Popo scene, but it may prove challenging to properly attach sentimentality to these characters in the short few episodes they have before the inevitable happens. 
Because y'know, nobody watched Dragon Ball.
Score: 73
Passing Thoughts
I liked that Stinger #1 dealt with the actual ramifications of DESTROYING THE MOON unlike the series proper did. I guess it was just no diff for the Dragon Ball world?
"He made a horrible mess of the blood fountain." "Looks fine to me." "IT USED TO BE WATER!"
"I killed everything here with my bare hands. Including the bear hands." -Pictured in the top left of the frame are actual bear hands.
"Stop grunting, it's creepy!"
"CLOTHES BEAM!" and “That is easily my most metro attack.”
8 notes · View notes
nerdy-on-main · 5 years
Text
Honesty
This is a “Chris” story: NB Sidestep, “Outsider”, villain by necessity. Paranoid, but not necessarily wrong. Operating as an independent thief, creating a usable stockpile for when they put their *actual* plans in motion and reveal the truth. Trying to avoid showing their hand too quickly.
...That being said, if there’s anyone they’re going to blurt everything to the first time around, it’ll probably be Steel. He’s reliable. He’s level-headed. He’s the guy in charge.
Relationships: Indeterminate ChargeSteelStep. Feelings are hard.
TW: Some mentions of body/gender dysphoria, but no details.
Spoilers for Retribution and a whole lot of generalized paranoia. ~ 6000 words. “Circular argument and a panic attack.” (Also co-opting the Herald romance reveal as if it were a friendship path, too. Chris would *never* say no to a post-dinner coffee-and-a-breakdown.)
---------
It’s now - with both of you smiling, sitting on his couch together, body language relaxed and open, coming out of a laugh - it’s now that your eyes meet, and you both have a moment of panic.
Neither of you are accustomed to this. This... openness.
You never thought the reason you didn’t get along might be that you think too much alike.
And in the absence of familiarity, you both fall to relying on tropes. To how observation tells you this should go, when two people get this close. Former allies, former rivals, of a kind... sitting this close, turned in toward each other, mere inches away... Well, it might not be that close, but it’s less than a foot, and both of you think far too literally. “Less than a foot” is “mere inches.”
And Spoon’s already curled up and snoozing, so there’s no way to redirect. No disruptions. No way out but forward, one way or another.
You’re pretty sure you’ve gone slack-jawed in surprise. Chen nearly blushes, but looks no less distressed than you. Still, he’s the one who manages to address the situation as it appears, even though he practically stammers.
“I’m not... I’m not interested in... usually, I mean-”
He shouldn’t have to explain himself to you.
It’s not like either of you was looking for more. Getting to know someone doesn’t have to be a romantic thing. It was just... nice. Having someone to talk to. Shared experiences, but not so many that there was baggage to unpack, like with Ortega. You were both just trying to be... companionable, right?
“I know. We’re friends,” the word makes you wince, and he misunderstands why, “-and I would never make a move, especially knowing it would make you uncomf-”
“-But you’re not exactly... I know you aren’t... how do you identify?”
He misunderstands why, but he still knows identity is a rough subject for you. He remembers. He thinks “friends” is uncomfortable for you because you think you’ve automatically been removed from consideration for “more than friends” - and he’s looking for a way to address that, because he’s Chen and he’s always concerned with the situation at hand, and he doesn’t like leaving things un-addressed...
And he likes you. As a friend. Enough to worry about why you’re uncomfortable, too.
You’re uncomfortable because now there’s a question about you - and you hate introspection just as much as you hate looking in the mirror. It’s all just... wrong.
But he’s wrong about this part. This doesn’t have to “go” anywhere. You’re happy with this - or you would be, if you thought you were capable of being happy. You wince because it’s still painful to let anyone close - as much as you might want it - and you feel acutely that A. you one shouldn’t lie to friends and B. you wouldn’t have friends without lying.
Still. How do you identify?
“As a person.” A bitter laugh escapes you. “...Most days. When I remember.”
That takes the conversation for a hard turn. Takes the pressure off of Chen. He shouldn’t have to explain himself; you should. The awkwardness in the room isn’t about friendship v. attraction, it’s friendship v. falsehood. Whether or not you find each other attractive has no bearing on your friendship; whether or not you’ve been lying to him will affect your friendship.
You know he hasn’t been trying to lead you on. And if you tell him the rest of it, he’ll know you weren’t trying to lead him on, either - at least, not like that. Not that you would have minded... if that’s the turn it had taken... You like him, too.
“Is it that hard to remember? That you’re a person?”
“...Sometimes.”
“Why?”
It’s an honest question, without judgment. The kind you’re never prepared for. The kind that make you want to be honest, even when it might be unwise.
But you respect Chen, you always have. ...In your own way, at least. Sure, he was an asshole, but so were you. You didn’t like him because being around him gave you headaches, and he probably felt the same way - though maybe in a less literal sense. You both had your secrets. You both had your reasons.
He had kept away because you were an unknown. (That was the way you planned it, right?) And when you came back you stayed away because he’s the Marshal and he asked you to. (And it would be stupid to get involved. But that resolve always crumbles, where feelings are involved.)
And of course you made an exception for Ortega and came by anyway when he asked; you had both expected that...
...Or Chen had, at least. You  still don’t know where things went wrong. When did you fall back into the past with Ortega? When did Chen stop asking you to stay away? When did you start being invited? Why are you here?
Chen’s always been honest with you. You took him at his word. He’s never had reason to lie - not to protect your feelings, not to lead you on, not out of spite... He doesn’t play those games. He either tells the truth, or he doesn’t say anything. His mask is a straight face. You can deal with that. You need that. It’s easier than smiling.
Somehow it just feels easier, the way he tries to piece you together, puzzle you out. You know that probably should worry you, considering what he’s going to find... but it doesn’t. You take comfort in that, somehow: the idea that to someone, the pieces still fit at all.
It doesn’t always have to be a mess.
You aren’t afraid of Wei Chen. You probably should be. You really probably should be... but you aren’t.
To be honest, you aren’t sure that you haven’t been leading him on - by letting him think you are who you pretended to be: former ally, worn-out has-been... sympathetic listener. Those aren’t untrue, but it’s a far cry from the full truth.
You’re pulling off your sweater before you even know what you’re doing. You’ve done this a few times now, shedding a layer, letting one lie fall away, but it shouldn’t be that easy... should it?
Especially in front of Steel.
“Because I’m not human,” you mumble. You watch the cogs twirl in his head. He’s much less shocked than the others. This is surprising, but it fits well enough with ideas he’s had before. It can be made to fit, with a little squeezing.
“...So... you were an infiltrator?”
“No,” you begin to object. You were, once... but not while you were working with them, and never by choice. With them you were just... distant. And that hurts you now as much as it shielded you back then.
Truth doesn’t exist in a vacuum. He’d made his own explanations, in the absence of yours.
“Were you sent to investigate us? Get us shut-”
“No!” The word is so small and hurt that it wipes the anger from his face. You’ve worked together, sure, there’s history, he knows you... but not like Ortega. Chen’s never seen you hurt. Never seen you crack or crumble, rather than evade or snap. Not like this. He’s never heard a voice like that coming from you.
And certainly not from a Re-Gene... which is the crack in logic he’s only just now realizing he stepped over.
If you’re a Re-Gene... you’re wrong. You’re not meant to be this way. And if you’re marked... you’ve been used, anyway. No, wait. Deployed. “Used” has other connotations he’s not ready to delve into. But deployed? That’s wrong enough. Even ignoring morality, it’s illegal. You should not exist. You should not have been made to exist. It was unfair to you, and a lie to the rest of the world. You cannot exist, legally. You have no recognizable rights, no citizenship, no legal standing... no humanity. There’s no precedent for anyone like you. Legally you don’t exist. You can’t. You can’t be both human and not.
Isn’t that why they’re supposed to be AI? Why are you any different?
The truth, of course, is that you’re not. You’re supposed to blend in when they want you to, and not when they don’t. Your mind isn’t any different... you’re just allowed to visibly react. Because that makes it easier to believe you are human.
And then, of course, there are the tattoos - the grafts - if anyone gets too close, to prove that you’re not. You don’t have any more humanity to you than the others do, you’ve simply been subjected to less editing.
As if that would matter. Anything that functions as human is human. One body is the same as another. (They just happened to leave yours more intact.) It’s sentience, not flesh, that makes a person. You can trap a mind forever... but it’s still there.
That’s the problem.
Everything you were made for, everything you were made to do... every bit of it would be a human rights violation. Your very existence is the admission of a crime - one you’re accessory to, simply by existing.
No one can admit you do exist - except you, and at considerable risk to yourself. And you have, to someone you probably shouldn’t have. Whether you see him as the Marshal, as Steel... or just as Chen, you shouldn’t have done that. But you did anyway.
Does that mean anything? Shouldn’t it?
His thoughts gather like a rushing stream, tributaries feeding in from what he’s seen and what he knows already, until there’s a sudden flood of uncertain emotion. It’s familiar in ways you never expected. The thoughts are nothing new to you, but in a way it’s... refreshing, to have someone else keep pace. Your thoughts are in sync, without having to be edited.
(You wouldn’t, anyway. If you had to, you’d wipe the whole conversation.)
Steel was the last person you’d expect would understand. But he does. You never gave him enough credit.
“I was never... it wasn’t an assignment, or anything. I’m a runaway. Stolen property, if you aren’t feeling that generous.”
“Stolen...?”
“Well, if I don’t count as human, it’s not like I’m AWOL or anything. If I’m a resource, then I stole myself... but anyone that’s ‘in possession’ of me could be equally... at fault.”
(It’s always been a worry of yours. You’re at risk, but you also are a risk. A liability. Chen wasn’t wrong about that, just wrong about why.)
Trust is a mutual agreement, and you couldn’t hold up your end of the bargain. Can’t trust anyone to help. Can’t trust they won’t turn you in. But if you trusted someone and they did want to help... what would happen to them? Would you ever be able to prepare for that?
...No, you wouldn’t. That’s why it’s stupid to get involved.
You wring your hands. Chen doesn’t move, aside from his eyes. Like he’s reading something in the blank distance between you: scripts of possibilities, mental arithmetic.
“Are you with... were you...?” He tries out the words and, like yourself, finds them insufficient. He wants to know where you came from, but he knows you couldn’t be “with” anything that did this to you... even if he still doesn’t know what exactly “this” entails.
“Who made you? Who were you made for?”
“The Special Directive.”
He nods grimly, running a hand over his scarred chin.
“And no one knows?”
“No one outside the Rangers.”
In the past, the question would have worried you. You know it’s easier to bury one body than to dig up the rest - and that’s much easier to rationalize if you convince yourself they aren’t even human to begin with. You’re walking a dangerous line. Chen’s stopped looking before... but he also had been looking in the first place. He follows directions to the letter... but he doesn’t seek instruction.
He does what is required.
He knows operational security - both how to keep the operation safe, and how to keep his own people safe from the operation. You don’t know if you count among those people.
It would be safer to take it back. It would have been safest never to have mentioned it.
But Chen... doesn’t talk. Maybe that’s why you’re talking to him.
He said therapy didn’t help, because he didn’t open up... but you suspect his suspicions were the same as yours: that therapy would make as good a cover as any for discreet surveillance: for finding out how much someone knows, and whether they’d talk.
(Or maybe you really are just that paranoid.)
In any case, he hadn’t. Whatever he’s found, he’s kept from you... but he’s kept it from everyone else, too. You were part of that secret, and he kept it.
Will he keep yours? Could he, if he decided to? You can’t be sure.
...But you’re just so tired, anyway.
“The others know?” That surprises him. You had always been cautious in the past. He doesn’t know how tired you are, now. “...Ortega?”
You do think alike.
“Parts of it... Not Ortega.”
“But he’s... why not?”
The look you give him says more than enough: You don’t know how.
You won’t risk change. It was close enough to real, back then. You don’t know if it still will be, once Ortega knows. The lie - pretending that you were human - that you could be - was important to you back then. It was the only thing that held you together against the onslaught of Ortega’s attention, unwanted but not unwelcome. You don’t know if the lie will be important to him, once he knows it was a lie.
“... I see.”
“Back then I was just trying to keep my head, and now he’s trying to make up for lost time... and if he’s already lost that, I’m not going to take anything else from him.”
“I... didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me? Us? Back then, I mean.”
You didn’t ask, says the argumentative bastard that lives in your head, but that rings hollow even to your own ears. They asked questions enough. You made questions into arguments or excuses, and then you ran off. Every time. And every time you’d get a little closer to telling the truth... but never close enough to matter. Not at the pace you were going.
You didn’t know you had a deadline. Emphasis on the “dead.”
“I knew how both of you felt about Re-Genes, and I already knew you didn’t trust me, so why would I give you justification for it? And Ortega, he’s... Either he knows me too well, or he doesn’t know me at all. I’m not sure I want to know which is right.”
“You don’t trust him?”
“I... he’s my friend.”
“‘Friend?’”
“Yes, Wei,” you snap, but all the bite is out of your voice by the time the words pass your lips. “Friend. And I trust him, but-”
“But?”
“But maybe I don’t know him at all, either. He keeps evading and-”
“And who does that sound like?”
You manage to look him in the eye, but aside from vague disapproval, you can’t channel any energy into words or expressions. You’re just... tired. And Wei’s persistent, when he’s pressed. When he’s defending.
You don’t talk about team members. That’s the rule. It goes double for Ortega. That might be why he’s lived this long. Because Chen defends him. Just like you survived, when Ortega was protecting you. And you didn’t when he couldn’t.
His words are measured, careful. Surprisingly soft. “You don’t know how hard it hit him when you were gone.”
Soft or not, that’s still a slap in the face. “You think that’s my fault?”
“No, I-”
“This wasn’t some vacation for me, Chen! It’s not like I was avoiding him! I spent five years, just trying to keep it together long enough to get back.”
“And the next two?”
You don’t have an answer to give him.
“He loves you!” He sounds exasperated. Why does it matter? Does he know? Did Ortega tell him? Did Ortega tell him he told you? And that you ran?
“He thinks he does!”
“And you don’t?”
You matched his tone, and his softened. Why?
“I don’t know what to think!” Too much. Too shrill. Too panicked. Dial it back, reel it in. This is not the thing that should create tension between you and anyone. It’s not a problem unless you let it be. You don’t care. Why would you? It doesn’t matter.
Just explain. He’s looking for an explanation, not an argument.
“He’s always flirting, complimenting, palling around - you know what that’s like... it’s hard not to love him -and fine, I don’t know why it’s any of your business, but maybe I do- but it’s hard to believe him, too.”
“Why?”
“It’s...he’s... He does it to everyone. I don’t know if he even knows he does it.”
“He doesn’t.” Wei snorts and crosses his arms. The gesture is tense, defensive, annoyed? - but you can’t be sure which part he’s refuting or what he’s annoyed with - Ortega’s behavior or your assessment of it.
In the beat of silence that follows, he catches sight of your furrowed brow and clarifies, purely for your benefit. “-...know he does it, I mean. He definitely does it.”
“...Yeah. That’s why I never told him. I didn’t know if it was real for him, with what little he knew about me, or if he was just... being Ortega. I didn’t know if that would change. If it was real, I was afraid to lose it. And if it wasn’t... I’d be throwing everything away for nothing. I was scared to find out, either way. ...I still am.”
“‘Why ruin a friendship,’ right?” The thought is particularly well-guarded. You’re not sure if he’s shielding it from influence, or trying to prevent it from influencing you.
You involuntarily raise an eyebrow, but force it back down. You get the gist of it, you think... but you also think there’s more. Still, this is Chen. If he doesn’t volunteer an explanation, you know better than to ask. He made you want to learn tact.
“...Right.” The question goes unspoken, but the silence prompts another. “...This is a mess, isn’t it?”
“...Yeah. It is.”
“Not just me?”
He huffs a laugh, both fond and defeated. Gallows humor. He drops a hand on your shoulder and jostles you, the motion more of Ortega than either of you would have expected. “No, it’s not just you.”
“...I think I love him.” You say it as if it’s a dawning realization. And maybe it is. You still never really... you’re not accustomed to this.
“Yeah.” He pulls back and rubs his face, palms over his eyes, dragging down his cheeks. “Me too.”
He knows you love Ortega. Great. Whoop-de-doo. Who doesn’t? Love him, you mean, not that you - you hope it’s not too obvious that you - ugh. Whatever. You’re embarrassed, so naturally you’ll try to embarrass, too. (That’s what Ortega taught you.)
“Well, I’m not human.” That’s why I never told him. “What’s your excuse?” Light-hearted. You try to joke. Shift the blame.
“Shut up, Chris.” Your words, your cadence, your name. Familiar. Your usual hint. Drop it. Don’t go there. Don’t follow that thought. No malice, but he’s not joking, either. He’s tired, too. Exhausted.
Confused? No, not that, not like you. He knows, or he doesn’t. (And this time, he knows.) He doesn’t wonder. There’s nothing for him to be confused about. That’s why he’s tired. He knows too much. Understands the realm of possibility, and his place in it. And yours. Even with -
Yeah. Me too.
That’s - but...? Oh. Of course he is. Oh, you are such an idiot. So self-absorbed. It’s right there and you never put it together? He told you, outright, and you didn’t even get it?
Maybe he was betting on that ambiguity, but however you interpret the words, there’s no mistaking that feeling. There’s the same longing, that same feeling of less-than-wanted, less-than-ideal. Of not wanting to settle, to compromise - not wanting to be compromised. Wanting to be wanted. Fearing not being wanted, for what you are. Aren’t.
Shit. It feels like you’re seeing double. You’re certainly feeling double.
It feels weird. Being open like this. Exposed.
No wonder Chen never wanted a telepath hanging around. However awkward you might feel, this has to be worse for him.
You’re just an idiot. All you have to admit is that you didn’t understand. He understands all too well. And he assumed you were looking. Assumed you already knew. Assumed you would use it against him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Thought it would have been obvious, with you rooting around everyone’s heads.”
“I wasn’t. I wasn’t looking.”
“Huh.”
“I mean it. I wouldn’t even know what to look for. I mean, I’m... I’m not very good at being a-” person “-friend. I don’t have a lot of practice with relationships. I’m not going to butt into anyone else’s.”
“Well, on the bright side, I guess you got good at dodging awkward conversations, then.” And he got good at deflecting.
“More like... all of them.” You sway a little, awkwardly, and he actually cracks a smile. Just a small one.
“That sounds like the Chris I know.”
Does it? Does he know you? Did you let him? Why?
You don’t understand. You have never understood it, the attention. Affection. Why anyone would care. You still don’t know how to behave without a mask.
Is that what this is? Is that why you’re here?
You know what the cynics will say. First Charge, now Steel... it’s the Marshal you’re after. You’re trying to worm your way in, cozy up to the guy in charge. They’ll say you’re manipulating them, now and always. Putting out false signals. (You aren’t even human... how could you do anything else? It’s not your fault. You’re just trying to keep up.) They’ll say it’s what you were made to do. (And wasn’t it?)
You wish this was a plan, a real one. You wish you were devious, rather than hopeless. You wish it was clever, rather than sad. You never meant to lead anyone on. You just wanted to belong.
You don’t know how.
...But that’s only half of it, really, isn’t it?
You could erase it all - the doubts, the awkwardness, the high school drama that happens now because you never were a kid and you never were in high school: the “does he really like me?” questions, the fears... none of that matters.
This is old shame, being ashamed of pretending to be human. Being ashamed that you had to. Being ashamed of existing - of having feelings you don’t understand yourself and a body that doesn’t match.
It’s an old hurt. Something you could have shed with Ortega years ago, like you’re trying to shed now, with Chen. This is unpacking an argument that never happened in real time and now has to catch up, so the rest of it makes sense.
There’s also current shame - and sometimes the lack thereof - which will also need to be dealt with.
You have much bigger problems than relationships. Selfish. Arrogant. Dangerous.
How do you even start to unwind the lies you’ve hanged yourself with? Can you do it before the rope goes taut, and you snap your neck? You’re used to thinking on your feet. You don’t know how to do it in midair.
Don’t get caught. That’s the only rule here. Don’t get exposed. You’ll get the truth out there, and when you do, you’ll expose so much more than that.
You’ll expose yourself in the process and so what? By now you deserve it, too. That makes it easier.
You don’t matter. You have a role to play. It was never about you - it’s about what you represent. That’s what it’s always been. (You were reluctant to be a hero, too, remember?) They wouldn’t just let you be. If you had to be something, if there had to be meaning attached... then it was better to be the one writing the script. Making revisions. But some things are written in ink, and can’t just be erased.
You thought you were keeping secrets, but they were keeping you.
It’s still there, to be read. You attach the meaning. Actions, not words.
You will be better. You have always been alone. You have to be. If you do this alone, it will all be yours. Victory. Failure. Responsibility.
No scorched earth. No immolation. Next time it will be a controlled burn. Just keep together. Keep on schedule. Keep moving.
When the facilities burn at your feet, no one will be able to deny they were there to begin with.
Don’t... forget. What you’re doing. Why. Why you have to. Why you can’t stay. Why you matter. Why you don’t.
You are the secret. Truth is written on your skin. You control that information. You are in control, because you have to be. Because you can’t trust anyone else with the truth. Because you can’t escape it.
You cannot run from this. Nothing changes unless you do.
You know Ortega could probably forgive it. Half of it, anyway. What you always were, or what you’ve become. But both?
Herald knows the former, Argent knows the latter. You have their understanding. Forgiveness is something much different. The notion provides as much anger as it does comfort. You don’t need forgiveness. It was never your fault for existing. And the rest is... there’s justification for it, even if it doesn’t feel justifiable. You did what you had to.
Herald was too ready to come to your defense - even against your own self-loathing. You hadn’t had the wherewithal to apologize when you were already overwhelmed by his all-too-ready acceptance. You wanted to apologize. You couldn’t. He wants to protect you - you, his hero, the one he wanted to be like; you, the thing that hurt him. The thing that made him seek you out, to help him get better... so he can defend against you.
And you want to help. That’s your weakness; you like being invited. You want to be included. Even when it’s stupid, selfish, dangerous - suicidal, even.
Do real people have that problem? Do they hurt first, and only regret it later? Do they have to plan around it, so they don’t forget they’re dealing with people, not just agents and targets? Do they lose their words and their nerve? Is everything this confusing for everyone? Does it have to be? Or is it just you?
It’s you. Part of it, at least. You wanted to be a person. You could have just kept running if you wanted to be free. You didn’t. Twice now, you didn’t.
You came back. That must mean you want something else. You say you want the truth. And you keep backing yourself into a corner, so you have to tell them. Because some part of you still wants to run. And you’re done with running.
(So you say. You still ran from Ortega.)
You told them because you want them to know the truth. Because you want to belong, to be able to trust. You haven’t told them everything, because you know you won’t. You never will, not really. (It’s not about them. It’s not about any of you.)
You’re marked as other. As something dangerous, not to be trusted.
Herald ignores the warning signs, and it’s only going to get him hurt. You’ve already hurt Argent, and she’s marked you with her own warning. The tattoos aren’t going to tell her anything that the scar around your eye doesn’t already.
You did apologize to Argent, for what it’s worth - more for you than for her. She has too much anger to care. Well-deserved. She already knows you’re not the person you pretend to be; your motives don’t matter, in the grand scheme of things. She knows what you are: you’re a liar, and a cheater, and a thief. She also knows she’s right, so she doesn’t care about why. Why would she?
You’re not a good person; why would she suspect that you aren’t a person?
(Human, you remind yourself. It’s so easy to forget. You are a person; it doesn’t matter if you aren’t human. That’s what this is all about. If you want anyone else to believe it, you have to insist upon it yourself. You are a person. Your actions are your own. As will be the blame.)
You’re still waiting for the other shoe to drop. With all of them.
You never wanted the attention. You don’t know how to behave without a mask. You don’t know how to unmask anything else while you’re still wearing one.
You know it’s not just you that’s wrong. You can’t go back and turn the same blind eye and make the same stupid mistakes again. You could spend your entire life trying to live that good lie, and you’d still just end up dying alone, torn apart, piece by piece. Reshaped. “Reformed.” Just like last time.
The Farm wouldn’t let you die, when you wanted to, when you chose it. That was their mistake. Now you won’t die for nothing. Not on their terms, either. You ascribe meaning. If they had let you, those secrets would have died with you. They are your responsibility now. They are yours to use. They gifted you that. You carry them with you, in your mind, on your skin. You were never good at being a person... but the people that made you were never good people.
You were never meant for heroics. You don’t fit. Round piece, square hole. Problems of geometry where nothing is sacred.
You ascribe meaning. Poetic justice.
You used to be a hero. You aren’t any more. You closed that door, to avoid temptation. Because some part of you still wants to be. If you could just find your place in it, find your way back - you tried, you tried so hard what if you just needed to try harder? 
Now you know better. Nothing changes unless you do.
You can’t be that any more. It didn’t work last time, and back then you were still trying to do everything right. Back then, you were still on the same team.
You wanted them to stop you - the Rangers. It would have been so much easier, if you didn’t have to be responsible any more. You always were the responsible one, and now you are responsible for so many unconscionable things.
You keep seeding the truth, little pieces... and you still hope someone better will make a decision for you. Help you. End you. Understand.
It really doesn’t matter how you justify this to yourself, if you can. You won’t be the one making that decision, when the truth comes out and you are judged for your part in it.
It has already been written. You ascribe meaning. The words may be yours, but you have no power over how they will be read.
You know who makes that call. You’re sitting on his couch. You know he’ll make the right decision, when the time comes.
You just hope he won’t drag it out.
And here you are, backing yourself into a corner again. Both of you sitting in silence, knowing what the situation is, but not what it means.
You’re trouble(-d). You’re a danger. You don’t belong. You never will. You shouldn’t be here. You have nowhere else to go.
Maybe you should have gone to Chen first. You’re both tenacious... not quite curious, that’s too soft... what’s a better word? Inquiring, scrutinizing, paranoid... maybe he could have helped you work this thing out.
(It wouldn’t have happened that way; these things take time.)
He didn’t trust you back then. You didn’t trust him, when you got back. You didn’t trust anyone. You’d be stupid to trust now. ...You are stupid.
Maybe he would have stopped you, then. Sent you back. Maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he still will.
It’s all so confusing. It’s so much easier to read people when you don’t have to be one; easier to observe an interaction you aren’t a part of. When you get yourself involved, you put yourself at risk, and you can’t trust your judgment. You can’t trust them, either.
But you have to. You should. You said that you wanted people to know the truth. That means you have to start telling it. (Or else it dies with you. Or gets buried - alive or not.)
What kind of life is that, where you can’t trust anyone? Where you turn your back on everyone that gets close, despite your efforts?
You wanted to be free, but free from what?
The Farm. You’re not going back, except to burn it. The rest can burn with you. This is do or die - do and die, if necessary - just like old times.
You could have kept running. You didn’t.
You back yourself into a corner, so you have to tell the truth, if they’re so keen to follow.
So they have to accept it and react to it.
So you have to claw your way back out, if things go poorly.
So you have no other choice.
So that violence can’t be your first choice.
Because if it was, what kind of person would you be?
And you are a person. The choices are yours, as is the blame.
Chen knows more about you now than Ortega does, and he’s kept pace with you so far, despite the sparse shared history between you. If you’re thinking about it, he probably is, too.
There’s a piece that doesn’t fit. Even with more of the puzzle filled in, something is missing. There’s a question he hasn’t found an answer for. He suspects; he doesn’t know.
A competent professional, out of nowhere, taking opponents apart with practiced efficiency. It’s happened twice. The timeline fits too well to be a coincidence.
And that’s when he asks you.
“...Why did you come back to Los Diablos?”
Wei Chen is the first person to hear the truth.
Later you will hate yourself for it.
The burden of proof was supposed to be yours, and you gave it to him.
There was a reason he stopped looking. There was a reason you were supposed to stay away from the Rangers. Safer to work alone. Safer to keep your own secrets. Safer for everyone.
You are so damn selfish.
You are an infectious liability, and you just keep spreading. Truth does not exist in a vacuum. There is always more. There is so much more than you could ever plan for. Who knows that you know, that you’re here, that small pieces of the truth have already escaped? That you did? ...If you did.
You put them all in danger.
(They were already in danger, from the minute Ortega spotted you in that diner. They just didn’t know it. You couldn’t pretend they weren’t. Now they can’t, either. That was their one defense. Plausible deniability. You took that away form them.)
And all because you wanted to feel like you were a part of things, feel human, feel alive again - even knowing you aren’t human, and that death is the only future which awaits you.
Complacency. Again. You got too comfortable. You stopped hiding.
And like the downfall of every other arrogant, villainous bastard, it started with laughter.
One night, on his couch.
Pretending to be human, just like you were made to do.
How could you?
26 notes · View notes
ivnwrites · 5 years
Text
How Asuka Langley Soryu is a realistic portrayal of teenage female sexuality
Neon Genesis Evangelion is a legendary science fiction and mecha anime created by Hideaki Anno in 1995 (though there's some heated debate over the second designation given the reality of the evangelions). It's noted for its psychological and theological discussions and its questions about humanity, loneliness, and what it means to live with other people. The main characters have also achieved this sort of legendary status, becoming easily recognizable, but they also are notable just for how well they're written.
Asuka Langley Soryu is one of the main eva pilots and, I am going to be talking about how she is depicted in terms of her developing romantic and sexual awareness in the series and how it's still one of the most accurate depictions of female adolescent sexuality in any media.(I am doing this as a currently 21 year old woman who went through being a 14 year old girl)
Asuka fits almost perfectly into the mold of a traditional mecha anime protagonist; we're told that she got her college degree at 13, she's an ace pilot, she's assertive and much more determined than the actual main character, and has a dead parent. But Evangelion isn't a traditional mecha anime so none of this happens without consequence. Asuka's accomplishments and her need to be the "best" are shown to be the result of her desperation not to be ignored. This in turn stems from her mother's insanity during which she thought a doll was Asuka and couldn't recognize her own daughter. Needing her mother to see her is so important and fundamental to her character that knowing her mother is still literally there 'watching over her' inside the eva is enough to pull her out of complete catatonia in the series ending. This background allows Asuka to have more depth than a traditional character who is simply portrayed as sexy with no knowledge of it or acknowledgement from other characters in the series, making her simply eye candy for the audience but has no ownership of her own body.
The most famous (infamous?) scene that needs to included in this discussion happens when she is attacked by Arael in episode 22 and has her mental breakdown, we see a snippet a the scene I'll talk about later with Kaji. It repeats over and over the last moment when she yanks open her shirt to expose her bra and the top of her breasts and screams "Look at me, dammit, look at me!" As a result of her mental state, we don't know if this is what actually happened, but that doesn't matter because the scene tells us that this is part of how Asuka thinks of her body in her own mind. One analysis I've read talked about this scene as Asuka's frustration that "her body isn't developed or adult in the way she wishes it was." I agree with this, and also read the scene as her sort of trying to physically reinforce her assertion that she's an adult, and her saying 'I have an adult body, why don't you want me?'
This frustration and anger stems from the conflicting messages that girls receive. They're told at various young ages that they're women just because of their bodies development. Growing breasts mean that they are "getting a woman's body," they "become women" when they start menstruating. However, these physical experiences are universal, and pay no heed to a girl's individual mental development. Physical changes can only exacerbate this, because girls see their bodies matching those of women, and so does society at large. Girls the world over start to be treated as adults the instant they start developing breasts when it comes to seeing them as sexual objects, but at the same time, they are still belittled and told that they aren't smart enough to know their own bodies. Girls are also told that they supposedly mature faster than boys, and all of this together creates a strange conflict where girls are at the same time told that they are supposed to be adults and yet only treated as adults when it is convenient for those around them, or when they do something wrong, otherwise they are seen as foolish children. "Save the world, but don't expect your emotional turmoil to be taken seriously."
This can be seen clearly in her relationship with Kaji. Throughout the series, Asuka is shown to be infatuated with him, even though he’s in his 30s and already in an on-again-off-again relationship with Misato. He's shown openly flirting with other adult characters in the series, and multiple characters even get in cracks about it, but from his first appearance onward, he brushes off every one of her advances. We see what is perhaps the most significant their interactions during the Arael scene. The audience is shown a flashback to the two of them having a nighttime conversation on the deck of a ship while they're traveling to Japan from Germany during which she tries somewhat clumsily to seduce(?) him and convince him that she's not interested in anyone else. His ultimate response is to tell her that she's still a child and doesn't have to rush into everything because she still has time.
In reality, it isn't rare for teenagers to develop crushes on adults in addition to their peers. In real girls, the same way as in the series, they can see it as a sign that they are more mature than their peers or even more ready for an 'adult' relationship than those around them. Asuka has what is probably the best outcome; the subject of her affection turns her down but is otherwise kind, as are the other adults around her. In the end it's her own deeper unacknowledged problems that cause the situation to spiral. The problem is that unlike in the series, there often seems to be no way for girls to win psychologically. In real life, if a girl's feelings are returned this leads to obvious problems, and public rejection can lead to ridicule. Girls are blamed for mistakes on the one hand, and belittled on the other. They aren't given the compassion and understanding that they need most at those times.
Through her interactions with Kaji, we can see the disconnect between Asuka's desire to be seen as an adult and her actual actions. She become hyper, somewhat aggressive, and slightly possessive when Kaji is around, becoming frustrated when the relationship between him and Misato rekindles. From Asuka's perspective, she can't see why she isn't the better choice. As discussed above, she sees her physical body as functionally the same as all the other women Kaji expresses even passing interest in, and psychologically she sees herself as more mature than Misato (and she is both right and wrong depending on which aspect of their personalities you examine, but that's a whole unrelated issue). The problem is that she has no idea what the adults around her are thinking; an adult man will not be attracted to an adolescent girl, and though all of the women around her can see that this is just a teenage crush, Asuka herself doesn't have the life experience to know this yet. This, combined with her fear of being ignored, means that what is actually a perfectly reasonable rejection registers to her as abandonment.
We can see this even more clearly if we look at her relationship with Shinji. The two of them are the same age, classmates, living together with Misato, both lost their mothers at a young age, both pilot the evangelions, and have grudging sexual tension that persists to the very end. Despite this, their personalities are pretty much incompatible. The line that is most iconic between them is Asuka's  "what are you, stupid?" (the english dub's version of her japanese line "Anta baka?" basically asking 'are you dumb?'). Shinji is a lot more timid and less self confident than Asuka, and she frequently is shown literally pushing him around. We see in other parts of the series that he is attracted to her but is too intimidated by her to really be able to do anything.
At one point when the two are alone at home, she kisses him, explicitly stating that it's because she's bored. It predictably doesn't go well, with Shinji just standing there frozen until Asuka backs away and then runs to the bathroom to dramatically rinse her mouth out, declaring that she should never kiss to kill time. It's played as a funny scene, but later we see that it actually had a deep effect on Asuka. It's implied that she did see Shinji as a potential romantic interest, but saw his silence and his lack of engagement with her as rejection, and this along with his improvement as a pilot over the series leads her to resent him more and more. During her mental breakdown, Asuka sees an image of his face and screams "You won't help me! You won't even hold me! You're no one! No one!"
In her mind, she has been rejected by all of the people sh's approached romantically. This leads her to feel unwanted and she starts to draw in on herself, and her feeling of animosity grow to encompass all of the characters in the series. In the same episode as her breakdown, she's shown standing naked in front of a bathtub (see note below) saying how much she hates having to be so close to Misato and Shinji. She become more and more worked up until she kicks something across the room yelling "I hate Misato, and I hate Shinji, and I hate that First Child bitch Rei! I hate my dad, I hate my mom! But mostly, most of all, I hate myself! I hate this! I can't stand it anymore! Why do I have to do this! Why me?!"
It is intriguing that Asuka, and the other female characters in Evangelion who show similar insight, came from the mind of an unmarried (at the time), childless man in his mid-30s. Anno himself says that "I like to read romance novels written by women. Since I'm a male, I don't really know the emotions of women. And because I want to understand their feelings, and create more realistic female characters, this is something I have to pursue." and there are plenty of accounts of him asking female animators and voice actresses for their input on characters to ensure that they were realistic. Because of this, Anno allows Asuka to express some of the frustration teenage girls feel with their bodies, and manages to walk the thin line of making Asuka real as a burgeoning sexual being without crossing into the sexualization of a minor.
Note: It is uncomfortably easy to find sexual art and dolls of the underage main female characters in the series but none of this comes from the series itself (there is one character who provides occasional 'fanservice', but she is an adult woman in her 30s). In the actual anime, nudity is not treated sexually, rather it is used to represent and heighten characters' feelings of vulnerability and isolation, reinforcing the idea that characters have been left completely alone with nothing except for their own skin, and at times not even that. Despite this, fans in Japan fixated on the character Rei Ayanami, which Anno attributed to the fact that "They can't handle strong women such as Misato and Asuka." This is even more unfortunate because it abandons the character's stoic loyalty and dive into self reflection midway through the series in favor of reducing Rei to an injured quivering victim using just the visuals of episode 1 (though once again, there's character traits there that are ignored as well). The most important part to say about this is also the fact that both Rei and Asuka are 14 YEARS OLD IN THE SERIES. For god's sake Japanese men, WHY!
Another Note: Actually I can explain why; the age of consent in Japan is 13 which has led to entire industries based on the exploitation of teenage girls, which means that child prostitution and pornography are rampant. Essentially, pedophilia is totally legal in Japan, in addition to child pornography as long as it isn't of real people, meaning that pedophilic anime and manga are totally legal, because easily available child pornography has 0 negative impacts, right? (WRONG). industries based on exploiting young girls: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/for-vulnerable-high-school-girls-in-japan-a-culture-of-dates-with-older-men/2017/05/15/974146c4-035d-11e7-9d14-9724d48f5666_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.a58a262e1867 child pornography laws in Japan: http://time.com/2892728/japan-finally-bans-child-pornography/ https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/57eaaf23-0cef-48c8-961f-41f2563b38aa
52 notes · View notes
mittensmorgul · 5 years
Text
Today’s entire TNT loop in one post, because I’m tired and there’s only three episodes:
3.14, Long Distance Call. This is what happens when you mess with the phone company, dillweed!
I've written a bunch in the past about how this episode relates to communication and keeping secrets, which is still relevant:
https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159234156395/314-lies-and-secrets-and-its-deans-turn-to
and
https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/171381786235/not-meta-just-interesting-im-rewatching-314
But because the voice on the phone when Dean starts getting Calls From The Beyond (which aren't from the beyond but a manipulation by a creature who wants to lure Dean in to eat his soul) is John, providing words of comfort, encouragement, and instruction to Dean at a time where he feels like he's running out of time and options, Dean is led down a completely wrong path. "John" tells him he can get out of his deal and save himself from Hell by trapping a specific demon, but of course it's just the crocatta luring him to his death (but of course Dean figures that out before that can happen).
But Sam, meanwhile, THINKS he's told Dean what the monster actually is, but that information never reached Dean, leaving him confronting the crocatta by himself... RIP Stewie. Sam calls Dean and gets his voicemail (This is Herman Munster, leave a message), but his whole previous call with Dean wasn't even really a call with Dean...
SAM: What are you doing? CLARK: I'm killing your brother. Or maybe I'm killing another guy. We'll just have to see how it goes.
and most terrifying:
CLARK: Well once I made you two as hunters, it was easy. I found Dean's number, then your number, then your father's numbers. Then emails, voicemails, everything. You see, people think that stuff just gets erased, but it doesn't. You'd be surprised how much of yourself is just floating out there, waiting to be plucked. SAM: Dean's not going to fall for this. He's not going to kill that guy. CLARK: Then the guy kills him.
The crocatta was a monster who preyed on human communication, twisting words to his own benefit and manipulating people into believing what he needed to lure them to him. He had Dean convinced killing this innocent man would save him from Hell, but the other man was convinced that Dean was the man who'd killed his own daughter. It was all a distraction to keep Dean from learning what was really going on-- that Sam had effectively figured out what the monster was, and that it was the monster luring Sam to his lair, using Stewie as bait.
At the end of the story, everyone lost. Dean lost hope that they'd find a way to save him from Hell. Which drives Sam to pull a bit of a manipulation of his own...
in 3.15, Time Is On My Side.
This is Sam's last stand, his last hope to save Dean. Not by defeating the demon that holds his contract, but by gaming the system. His logic-- if Dean's can't die, he can't go to Hell. But the way Sam wants to make Dean immortal is... horrific at best. And something tells me the hellhounds wouldn't care if someone scienced their physical body into effective immortality, and would've collected Dean's soul anyway. But Sam needed to believe in something, as is his wont. When he loses hope, he loses it hard. Look at mid s13 for a reminder of that, specifically in an episode with a heavy thematic and tonal comparison to this one-- 13.11 Breakdown.
Meanwhile, Dean goes in a different direction, getting a lead on Bela and hoping to get the Colt back:
DEAN: You're not helping! You forget that if I welch on this deal, you die. Guess what, living forever is welching. SAM: Fine! Then, whatever the magic pill is, I'll take it too! DEAN: Oh, what is this? Sid and Nancy? No. It's just like Bobby's been saying. We kill the demon who owns the contract and this whole damn thing wipes clean. That's our best shot. SAM: Even if you had the Colt, Dean, who are you gonna shoot? We have no idea who holds the ticket. DEAN: Well, I'll shoot the hellhounds then before they slash me up. Now, you coming or not?
Sam decided... not. He stayed to try and figure out Benton's immortality formula. He does find it, but Dean doesn't want to live like that:
SAM: Dean, don't you want to live? DEAN: What he is isn't living. Look, this is simple. SAM: Simple? DEAN: To me it is, okay. Black or white; human, not human. (DEAN walks back to stand in front of DOC BENTON) See, what the Doc is is a freakin' monster. I can't do it. I would rather go to hell.
Well, heck, we know Dean doesn't really see anything as "black and white," and the real issue isn't "human or not human" anymore. But he does have a line he will not cross, and whatever Benton is is way too far across that line for Dean. And thank heck... Preserving life at all costs that way? At the cost of his own essential humanity? Yeah, that's horrific.
We meet Rufus, who eventually does provide Dean the lead to find Bela, but he also echoes Dean's attitude we've seen over and over again:
RUFUS: I know ain't no peashooter gonna save you. DEAN: What makes you so sure? RUFUS: Cause that's the job, kid. Even if you manage to scrape out of this one, there's just gonna be something else down the road. Folks like us...there ain't no happy ending. We all got it coming. DEAN: Well, ain't you a bucket of sunshine? RUFUS: I'm what you've got to look forward to if you survive. (Smirking and raising his glass again) But you won't.
Survive this round, just wait for the next one, because there's always a next one... Thanks, Rufus!
But of course Bela doesn't have the Colt anymore. Dean does learn that she sold her soul and her deal is about to come due. She's in the same boat he's been in all along...
DEAN: Is that why you stole the Colt, huh? Try to wiggle out of your deal, our gun for your soul? BELA: Yes. DEAN: But stealing the Colt wasn't quite enough, I'm guessing. BELA: They changed the deal. They wanted me to kill Sam. DEAN: Really! Wow, demons untrustworthy. Shocker.
Because no matter what, the demons were NEVER going to let Dean out of his deal. No matter how many demons they killed, no matter who they bargained with, no matter what, they needed him to die and go to Hell to fulfil their prophecy and break the first seal on the Apocalypse. And that's what s3 boiled down to in the end...
This was the long con that s4 would do to freaking perfection, but s3, with all it's structural deficiencies for having been 6 episodes shortened because of the writer's strike, manages the same...
So that brings us to 3.16, No Rest for the Wicked.
The one where they think they finally gained the upper hand on catching the Big Bad Demon who holds Dean's contract, and don't yet know the entire setup was a trap laid just for them. The fact the payoff on this information doesn't come until the end of s4, with other little hints along the way-- like Dean learning what Sam's been up to while he was in Hell, like learning about angels and the breaking seals of the apocalypse, like being given the runaround as heaven and hell both use Sam's desire to get revenge on Lilith for perceived wrongs against them and is willing to turn himself into a monster to achieve that end... when all along it was exactly what the angels and demons both wanted them to do...
S4 will become the template for Cosmic Manipulation of the Winchesters as part of the Grand Story of the Universe. But all the seeds for it were already planted in s3.
Well, except for Cas. He's the wild card, and isn't that the wildest thing ever?
I wonder how Chuck accounted for him? Bring on Team Free Will, breaking Chuck's story again and again until they'll finally force him to drop the curtain in 14.20...
ETA, because I always do this... I’ve written some about Ruby’s manipulation before, like in this post from May 2018, after the s13 finale aired:
https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/174230167715/since-your-anons-are-on-the-subject-there-is
SAM: And you decided to tell me this just now? RUBY: Um... demon. Manipulative's kinda in the job description. Fact is, is that you would have never considered it. Not until you were – SAM: Desperate enough?
and when Sam has doubts, and he’s so close to wanting to trust Ruby out of desperation?
DEAN: Don't you see a pattern here? Dad's deal, my deal, now this? I mean every time one of us is – is – is up the creek the other is begging to sell their soul. That's all this is, man. Ruby's just jerking your chain down the road. You know what it's paved with and you know where it's going.
And yep, that’s exactly it. The Winchester Family Sacrifice-Go-Round. All in the name of keeping Chuck entertained.
ETA FOR THE SECOND TIME: Lilith. Pretending to be a seriously twisted little girl, controlling this entire family for her own horrific idea of “fun.” Kinda similar to Chuck’s own MO, always playing a persona-- Chuck the trashy novel author, Chuck the prophet of the lord who doesn’t want to be, Chuck the super cute guy who was delightfully enamored by humanity enough to want to be human himself, at least for a little while... But all of it is part of his own incredibly long game, thinking he’s got the Winchesters exactly where he wants them, being on the scene to watch his plan play out, only for it to all go sideways.
ugh and yet another ETA: Dean, only when he is very close to death, a side effect of that is that he can literally see things he wasn’t able to before:
DEAN: I could see its face. Its real face under that one. SAM: So what, now you're seeing demons? DEAN: I've seen all kinds of things lately but... nothing like this. BOBBY: Actually it's not all that crazy. DEAN: How's it not that crazy? BOBBY: Well you've got, just over five hours to go? You're piercing the veil, Dean. You're glimpsing the B side. DEAN: A little less new age-y please. BOBBY: You're almost hell's bitch. So, you can see hell's other bitches. 
What a strange way to finally see through the illusions to the truth, you know? Dean got all the way through Chuck’s endless parade of misery in s14-- losing hope against Michael only to lose hope for Jack, and himself-- to that final moment where he was able to glimpse the B side, as it were.
ugh again... this is what I get for posting stuff before the episode is over...
How close to killing an innocent little girl did Sam come here? While her own mother begged him to do it, because as far as they knew, the girl was still possessed. But Dean saw the truth, the demon was gone.
Sam’s ready to do whatever “Ruby” wants him to to save Dean, but it’s already too late. Ruby isn’t even Ruby anymore. Dean hadn’t noticed the switch until it was too late, again. Always too late. All part of the long manipulation.
7 notes · View notes
lynfantasy · 6 years
Note
Lotor?
(For this character ask challenge)OOF. Alright, prepare yourself for salt, because I absolutely love this character no matter what, and that is precisely why I am very mad at the official crew about him. (Though I swear this isn’t ALL salt.)
The last time I did this ask challenge, I answered these questions for Lotor here, but that was before season 5 even came out. Now…
(Putting this under a read-more because this is LONG – there’s two long playlists under the “song” section, and I added a ton of screenshots at the end.)
Favorite thing about them: I loved how complex and out-of-the-ordinary he was. He wasn’t a hero, he wasn’t a villain, and he wasn’t even a traditional antihero. He wasn’t good, but he was altruistic; he wasn’t bad, but he was willing to do things that no one else would. He was neutral, and he didn’t need to be redeemed into goodness. He certainly didn’t seem to have any reason to fall or rise – he already knew what he wanted and how he was going to get it, and both his motives and means were shockingly pure.And then…Least favorite thing about them: Season 6 just completely ruined him. That colony thing?? I’ve vented to many friends about this, and there’s a post I have half-written that I might put up sometime, but it just doesn’t make sense to me. The creators of the show said that they wanted him to be a morally gray character, but then they had had him commit a truly evil act? And he doesn’t even seem repentant for it? I just can’t forgive them for doing this to him. This wasn’t some “cool plot twist.” I’m not sitting here, thinking, “Wow, I really fell for that, didn’t I?” I don’t feel like Lotor betrayed me. I feel like the writers betrayed him and did him a disservice.Favorite line: “All I ask is that you judge me by my actions rather than your preconceptions of my race.” This line was just… wow.Also: “My father’s blood is not just in my veins. It’s also on my sword.” Damn.I also still very much love his opening speech in season 3, and a special shout-out goes to his speech in the beginning of season 6 until Sendak interrupted it.BrOTP: Mmmm, well, Team Sincline forever. In a better universe, they’re all still getting up to their own shenanigans together.I also still wish that Lotor and Keith had gotten a chance to bond. It could have been great.But let’s all take a moment to acknowledge what a great and supportive friendship Lotor and Shiro had in season 5. That was good. Good on you, (clone) Shiro.OTP: Lancelot. I can’t really explain why, but this is my favorite ship. In a close second place comes Polycline, the ship of Lotor and his generals all together in a romantic sense, which just warms my polyam-loving heart.As for what I would like to see in canon, well, I was pretty happy with Lotura, and I’m still holding out hope that they might have some dramatic redemptive reconciliation.NoTP: Eh, I don’t really do NoTPs. I can’t say I’m fond of Lotor/Throk, though.Random headcanon: I think Lotor’s ships are perfectly capable of making it through the Quantum Rift without being subjected to the time dilation effects. I also think that, on more than one occasion, Lotor has purposefully turned down the protection against time dilation because he can’t afford to take time off but he really needs a break, and what better way to accomplish that than to take a trip that will give him weeks or months to himself but will only cause him to miss about a week in regular time?Unpopular opinion:
FANWORK CONTENT CREATORS CAN STILL MAKE CONTENT WITH A SOFT CHARACTERIZATION FOR LOTOR. SHIPPERS CAN STILL SHIP LOTOR/PALADIN SHIPS. CANON SHOULD NEVER LIMIT CREATIVITY.
Song i associate with them: Hoo boy, I have not one but two playlists for him… Instead of linking a playlist, I’ll just list the songs for you all to find at your leisure, since everyone uses different music services (and honestly, I just pirate off of YouTube 99% of the time).
My “canon” playlist, in chronological order, is:
Natural by Imagine Dragons – I’m so glad this came out recently, because if there’s any singular theme song that fits Lotor in every canonical aspect, this is it.
Who We Are by Imagine Dragons – Team Sincline. Need I say more?
Best Day of My Life (minor key) by Chase Holfelder – If you only know this song in its major form, you might very well be wondering why it’s here, but Chase Holfelder’s minor key version has a very different tone to it, and I think it fits Lotor quite well for season 3.
Gold by Imagine Dragons – This works for his rise to power in season 3 and fall in season 4, as well as hinting at his eventual rise and fall again in 5 & 6 and that final snap at the end of 6. It could honestly go at the end, but I thought it fit best here, as the season 4 song.
Icarus by Bastille – I associate this song with both Keith and Lotor in seasons 3 & 4. Honestly, if you listen to the chorus, it sounds like them both at the end of season 4. Icarus (Lotor) is flying too close to the sun… Icarus (Keith) is flying towards an early grave.
Blame by Bastille – This isn’t a perfect fit, but it reminds me of Lotor’s pleading with the Paladins at the beginning of season 5 to not hand him over to Zarkon. Honestly, I sort of picture Lance as the one singing the scathing verses. There’s no room for you here.
I’m So Sorry by Imagine Dragons – This could also go anywhere, but I can picture this as a backdrop to Lotor’s final confrontation with Zarkon. It’s so scathing and sarcastic, except for the bridge. I imagine the bridge as being addressed to Lotor’s generals.
White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons – Canon Lotura. Just… just listen to it. It’s so tragic and fits them so well for season 6.
This Is Gospel -> Emperor’s New Clothes by Panic! At the Disco – Initially, I was going to put just Emperor’s New Clothes on here for Lotor’s breakdown in season 6, but I listened to these two back-to-back, and I thought that This is Gospel fits in a tragic way if you think of it as the sane part of Lotor’s mind trying to warn Allura, knowing that he cannot fight the corruption of Quintessence.
Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing by Set It Off – …I mean, in light of season 6, how could I not include this one. The bridge is basically a summary of that final confrontation.
Viva La Vida by Coldplay – Initially, I had this as a song for season 4, but I couldn’t leave this playlist on such a bitter note. I like to picture that Lotor will eventually come out of the Quintessence field and, alone and without resources, will have to hide out somewhere and rethink a lot of things, and this song is perfect for that.
I’ll Be Good by Jaymes Young – Following the thread of an eventual redemption from the previous song, I think this would suit a redeemed, post-s6 Lotor very well. It’s also simply a very bittersweet and beautiful song to end off on, and it stands in very strong contrast against Natural, the first song on the playlist.
My other playlist is for miscellaneous songs that don’t fit into the canon timeline and for ship songs. In no particular order:
Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea by Fall Out Boy – This is such a Lotor song, but it technically doesn’t fit canon, since he did become emperor. However, I’ve got an AU story that this fits perfectly, and I think it suits a lot of other Lotor-centric AUs I’ve seen. Besides, thematically, it really does fit Lotor pre-s5.
Broken Crown by Mumford & Sons – The meaning of this song is ambiguous, but if you interpret the “crown” here as literal, it could suit Lotor pretty well, especially in an AU where he refuses to rule.
Therapy by All Time Low – I think this would fit a human AU best, but it could work for any version of Lotor who is introspective about his own flaws and problems.
Battlefield (Meet Me on the Battlefield) by SVRCINA – I’m a little iffy on this one, but someone else recommended it to me as a Lotor ship song, and I do think it could fit a few different Lotor ships quite nicely. The song is primarily about revolution and altruism, both of which fit Lotor, and the romantic aspects would work well for a Lotor/paladin ship.
I Walk the Line by Halsey & Walking the Wire by Imagine Dragons – These two songs work well as two sides of the same coin. I particularly imagine them for Lancelot. Lotor sings I Walk the Line, talking about the difficulty of maintaining a balance between his relationship and his loyalties in the war but declaring that he will be true to Lance above all, and Lance sings the far more optimistic Walking the Wire, saying that although this balancing act is difficult, they will come out on top, together. It could theoretically work for another Lotor ship, but Walking the Wire is such a Lance song that I really picture it for the two of them.
Hold Me Tight or Don’t by Fall Out Boy – Funny story, I pictured this as a Sheith song first, but then @noirsongbird recommended it to me as a Lancelot song, and… yeah, it fits. It also specifically fits one of her (very good!) fanfics, so that’s cool.
King and Lionheart by Of Monsters and Men – Technically, this could sort of work for any Lotor/paladin ship, but I think it would work better for Keitor, Shotor, or Lancelot. It was recommended to me by @noirsongbird as a Lancelot song, and I have to agree that it fits them very well.
I Don’t Know Why by Imagine Dragons – Again, this could work for multiple Lotor/paladin ships, but I picture it for Lancelot. It’s a great forbidden love song, so it would suit a secret romance across battle lines quite nicely.
So… yeah. A lot of music. Sorry? I’m sure this isn’t even everything, haha.
Favorite picture of them: Oh gosh, how could I choose…
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Like… damn.
But also…
Tumblr media Tumblr media
He’s so cute and pretty??
Tumblr media
I mean, just look at him.
For favorite fanworks, I’ve got to put this one up, of course (and please follow this link to the post for it and give it a like!):
Tumblr media
This was a gift to me for my very recent 20th birthday by my amazing friend @honestlyprettychill (thank you again babe)!!
There’s a lot of other really good Lotor fanart out there. Check out @itsnotdoneyet and @invidiaesc for some great stuff.
Annnnd that’s it! Sorry this took so long. I hope I answered the questions to everyone’s satisfaction! I have an ask for Keith that I’ll work on next, but I don’t have any after that yet, so please feel free to send in more!
39 notes · View notes
youvegotyourvictory · 5 years
Text
Hamilton on Broadway
08.25.18
Yesterday was two months since I saw Hamilton with one of my very best friends. Making a list of some things I never want to forget.
1. I imagine death so much, it feels more like a memory
I’ve been listening to Hamilton for almost two and a half years. This line still hits me the same way it did when I was first learning the words.
2. Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now
At the most random times, this line hits me like a bus. It’s not every day, but sometimes I do think about how miraculous it is that any of us are alive. How lucky we are.
3. King George is even funnier live and the album really doesn’t do his facial expressions justice, there’s no way it could. Just.....every time he was on stage, I laughed
4. Dying is easy, young man, living is harder
I think about this line all the time. Washington says it to Alex and obviously it speaks to Alex’s character, because he’s always willing to die but never really willing to use his strengths to stay alive. He always wants to fight and is ready to verbally take down anyone he deems fit—willing to die in a war that’s never really going to be his own, just to prove himself. All of that is so much easier than living.
5. Eliza in Helpless
I already love Eliza so much—both fictionalized character and real life woman—but she’s so cute in Helpless. It’s so great to see her this in love.
6. King George saying, “Everybody!” in You’ll Be Back and people coming out of the woodwork just so they can sing along with him
7. If there’s a reason I’m still alive when everyone who loves me has died then I’m willing to wait for it
I’ve spent a few late nights thinking about this, thinking of the legacy Burr left behind—how he just wanted to keep his mouth shut and stay out of trouble, until the moment it really counted. I can’t imagine all that must’ve motivated him, knowing he was the only person he had left. Everyone around him had died, and still he wanted to keep his head down and wait for a reason to do more.
8. Tomorrow there’ll be more of us
It’s probably for the best that this song isn’t on the original cast recording because if it was I would definitely cry every time I listened to it. I can’t even begin to express how much it kills me that John Laurens died before he could lead his regiment to safety—and ultimately, freedom. And Alex’s reaction to it, his pause and then, breathless, “I have so much work to do”—his immediate need to work faster and harder than he had before. There’s no doubt anywhere that he was deeply in love with Laurens.
On Tuesday the 27th, my son was killed in a gunfight against British troops retreating from South Carolina. The war was already over. As you know, John dreamed of emancipating and recruiting three thousand men for the first all-black military regiment. His dream of freedom for these men dies with him.
9. The part of Non-Stop when Angelica and Eliza are on the outer ring of the stage and then Hamilton is talking about both of them and once he’s done talking to Angelica the stage starts moving so she drifts away from him and then Eliza comes in to view
This is really one you just have to see in person to fully appreciate
10. Jefferson in the purple suit
I have never seen an article of clothing transform someone so easily and completely. Before, Lafayette was careful, calculated, etc, but as soon as the purple suit came out, he did a total 180 and strutted everywhere, fully in control of the stage. It was like magic.
11. Hamilton’s green suit
It’s a look and probably an aesthetic choice that some people don’t care for, but boy do I love it
12. The cabinet battles
Honestly what took everything to that next level was the fact that we were in New York watching it. Hearing “You could’ve been anywhere in the world tonight, but you’re here with us in New York City” felt so....incredible because I had never even listened to Hamilton in the city before. And it was true—we really could’ve been anywhere else, but we were there, in the theatre, watching it all unfold.
13. Take a Break
One of my favorites in the play, due entirely to Alex and Angelica’s exchange in the second verse. Also, Eliza’s beatboxing and Philip’s pride when he raps for Alex is something I wish I could replay forever. Hearing the screams of “un, deux, trois, quatre, and CIIIIIIIIIINQ” was something that made all of us burst into cheers and applause
In a letter I received from you two weeks ago, I noticed a comma in the middle of a phrase. It changed the meaning—did you intend this? One stroke and you’ve consumed my waking days. It says, “My dearest Angelica” with a comma after ‘dearest.’ You’ve written “my dearest, Angelica.”
The breath between ‘dearest’ and ‘Angelica’ is so much more pronounced live and I really wish I could live in that moment for the rest of my life
I also really love how they both take the time to focus on this and show that it holds a lot of weight and meaning to each of them, and then after a pause Angelica says, “Anyway, all this to say...” completely moving on from the subject
14. Southern motherfucking democratic republicans
No need to even say more than that. Y’all already know.
Actually I lied. I didn’t remember a lot from the bootleg going into this because it had been a decent amount of time since I’d last watched the whole thing—usually if it pops up on YouTube again I just listen to the few songs I know will make me sob, the ones I really want to hear, and then I leave it alone. I think in my head I kind of wanted to save it until I could finally see it in person. Before seeing it live, I think I’d only watched the bootleg all the way through maybe two times. It just felt like something I needed to wait for. It was well worth it. Anyway, like I said, I didn’t remember much so I certainly didn’t remember the shot of Burr, Jefferson, and Madison all walking together across the stage with the spotlight on them as they sang this part. Power move.
15. King George pulling up a stool so he can watch everything unfold, see all the drama as it happens, and watch Hamilton destroy his own career
I lost it at this part. I knew that he does this, but seeing it in person just made it so much funnier. Again, I think it was mainly due to really being able to see his facial expressions there. Just the thought of King George sitting there as all of this is happening in the 1700s is so funny to me and it’s just.....god it’s good
16. King George throwing Reynolds pamphlets and dancing around Hamilton was just....top-tier comedy
17. Hamilton’s black suit
That velvety suede one. If you know you know
18. Eliza’s scream at the end of Stay Alive (Reprise)
This was one of the moments I couldn’t forget the first time I watched the bootleg. No matter what I’m doing or where I am, if I’ve been completely fine throughout the rest of the songs, this is the moment that gets me every time. It’s always guaranteed to make me start crying. Not only is it heart wrenching to hear her scream after Philip has just died, but to see her yank her hand away from Alex when he tries to comfort her is something that’s been with me ever since that first watch. I don’t think I’ll ever really forget it.
19. It’s Quiet Uptown
I knew I wouldn’t make it out of this without sobbing. I usually don’t make it through the OCR without crying, and seeing it in person is so much more painful. Alex pleading with Eliza, telling her he’d change everything if he could, telling Philip that he would love where they moved to. Seeing Alex grieving, and then to see Eliza come in and be completely stoic, refusing to even look in Alex’s direction. Also the fact that literally everyone looks weary and so incredibly run down—even Angelica in her narration looks like she’s been crying for weeks.
Can you imagine?
Alex turning one of Eliza’s phrases back on her—look at where we are, look at where we started—he knows he’ll never be able to make this all up to her but he still begs her to let him in and let him try to help her.
It speaks volumes that all records state that Hamilton was never the same after Philip died—a large portion of him died that day too. Can you imagine?
Eliza, do you like it uptown? It’s quiet uptown.
One of the parts that gets me every single time, without fail: Look around, look around, Eliza.
I started crying during the last song and didn’t stop through the entirety of this one, but one part that made the tears flow faster was Eliza’s gentle “It’s quiet uptown” and Alex’s breakdown as soon as she speaks for the first time.
There’s a part in the Hamilton companion book that Lin wrote where he describes something that happened to the company during rehearsals and every time I read it I cry and cry, so I’ll just leave you with it:
The power of “It’s Quiet Uptown” was intact from its first day: Actors cried while singing it, the production team cried while listening to it, Andy couldn’t bear to choreograph it, not with his daughter, Sofia, fighting cancer, and getting sick on the way to school, and the whole family hoping the next round of chemotherapy would work. ... On November 16, 2014, Oskar and Laurie Eustis’s beloved son, Jack, died. He was 16 years old. ... Oskar and Laurie were about to spend half a year or more in the world of a show that pivots on the loss of a child. ... Two weeks later, the full company assembled for the first sing-through of the show ... when Oskar and Laurie walked in. ... Hearing “It’s Quiet Uptown” for the first time since their unimaginable loss was bound to be wrenching. It was wrenching, for everyone. When the sing-through ended, we offered words of consolation that were heartfelt but inadequate before a grief larger than anyone could comprehend. There was one thing that the Hamilton company didn’t know that day. When Lin had learned of Jack’s death, he had sent an email to Oskar and Laurie expressing his deepest condolences. He also sent them the demo recording of “It’s Quiet Uptown.” “If art can help us grieve, can help us mourn, then lean on it,” he wrote. If they preferred to delete the song, he would understand.
Oskar and Laurie did lean on it. In the rehearsal studio that afternoon, nobody knew that “It’s Quiet Uptown” was the only song they had listened to in their first week of mourning. They had listened to it every day.
20. Best of Wives and Best of Women
This one gets me every time. I know I’ve said that about everything so far, but god....this one is so meaningful.
I can’t say anything that will be better than what Lin has already said about the song so I’ll leave you with the liner notes he wrote from the Hamilton companion book:
In the musical of my life after I’m long gone, my wife Vanessa is going to be the one who steps forward as the hero. Vanessa is not particularly fond of musicals—she only likes good ones. She is not effusive in her praise, or boastful. But when I looked up from that Chernow book and said, “I think this is a hip-hop musical,” she didn’t laugh, or roll her eyes. She just said, “That sounds cool.” And that was all I needed to get started. As I fell in love with the idea of a love triangle between Eliza, Alexander, and Angelica, she said, “Can you have Angelica rap? That would be cool.”
I am someone who is so averse to travel that I wrote a whole musical about not wanting to leave my block in Washington Heights. It was Vanessa who booked us trips and time away from New York. “You don’t get any writing done here because life keeps popping up.” Thanks to her, Hamilton was written in Mexico, Spain, Nevis, Sagaponack, St. Croix, Puerto Rico, The Dominican Republic—long trips where Vanessa would take me there and then leave me alone to write while she explored. She is my first audience, and she’s a tough audience, so I know if I impress her I’ve cleared the highest possible bar. She’ll come home from work and say, “Your king tune was stuck in my head all day—that’s probably a good sign.”
This started out as a note trying to explain how my wife really is the ‘best of wives and best of women,’ but I’m trying to get at something more important—this show simply doesn’t exist without Vanessa. It’s a love letter to her.
21. The World Was Wide Enough
There’s nothing I could say here that would accurately sum up this one, so I’ll simply put this:
Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints—it takes and it takes and it takes. History obliterates. In every picture it paints, it paints me and all my mistakes. When Alexander aimed at the sky, he may have been the first one to die, but I’m the one who paid for it. I survived, but I paid for it. Now I’m the villain in your history. I was too young and blind to see. I should’ve known. I should’ve known the world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me. The world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me.
One thing I’ll always remember: in the Hamilton documentary, Leslie Odom, Jr. is talking about Burr’s legacy, basically that he did all of these other things in his lifetime—a long war career, accomplished lawyer, worked with Hamilton on the first murder trial of the country, etc—but the one thing he’s most remembered for is being the man who shot Hamilton in a duel. Leslie talks about how much more Burr could’ve done if the duel hadn’t gone down the way it did, that it was a really sad moment in history, that Burr wasn’t a lonely man when he shot Hamilton. Burr had friends, a great job, so many things going for him, but still he chose to shoot Hamilton in that moment. Leslie goes on to say, “I think that our show is doing a really good job of...reminding us that....all of us are more than one thing.”
There’s another moment, from Lin’s episode of Drunk History, where he describes the duel and says, “And so, Burr’s the monster. And what’s ironic about that is Burr was never the monster. Burr was the cautious motherfucker who never let his opinion be known. And Hamilton was the reckless motherfucker who let his opinion be known about everything. And in the one moment where it counted most, Hamilton was cautious, and Burr was reckless. And that defined their legacies forever.”
22. There’s a moment that Lin took out that we don’t get to see, but I’m going to include it here anyway. Eliza, reading Hamilton’s last letter to her—the one he was writing when she begged him to “come back to bed, that would be enough.” Among his last words are these:
I need not tell you of the pangs I feel, from the idea of quitting you and exposing you to the anguish which I know you would feel. With my last idea; I shall cherish the sweet hope of meeting you in a better world. Adieu best of wives and best of Women. Ever yours
23. Eliza in the finale
As I said, I already love Eliza so much, but hearing this final song is something I’ll always think about.
Eliza lived fifty years beyond Hamilton’s death, something I can’t even begin to imagine doing. Of all the things Hamilton put her through, she still loved him in the end. In her own words—I am so tired, it is so long. I want to see Hamilton.
Again, during this I couldn’t help but remember the fact that we were in the very city where much of this musical takes place. All of these real events occurred in this city.
Hearing Eliza recount all she had done after Hamilton’s death is inspiring and exhausting and amazing, but the line that always got me and I knew would hit me even harder in New York City....
Oh. Can I show you what I’m proudest of? [The orphanage.] I establish the first private orphanage in New York City. [The orphanage.] I help to raise hundreds of children. I get to see them growing up. [The orphanage.] In their eyes I see you, Alexander. I see you every time.
Not only does she establish this orphanage, but it still lives on today. Eliza’s orphanage lives on in the form of the Graham Windham organization, a fact that always blows me away. She established and served as director of the orphanage for 27 years—she dedicated a significant portion of her life to this work. And to know that we were in the city where she did this, where she got to see the Hamilton legacy growing before her very eyes in the form of these children—I lost it.
Oh, I can’t wait to see you again. It’s only a matter of time.
Two months have passed and I still can’t believe I was there, really seeing Hamilton the way it was intended to be seen. I’ll never forget it, and I hope someday I’ll get to do it again.
2 notes · View notes
botanistlester · 6 years
Text
Sweet Pea (26/34)
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Thank you for all of your comments for this story and for all of the love! As you know, this fic was  nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best) and those awards are now open for voting!!! So head over to the phanficawards blog on tumblr if you’d like to vote for this fic for any of those categories :D As always thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this! The lyrics at the top of the story are from Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars
Previous | Masterlist
Read it on AO3 Read it on Wattpad
-
Chapter Twenty-Six
No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forget. No matter how many lives I live I will never regret. There is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames.
-
There was something on Phil’s mind and he couldn’t seem to get it to go away, no matter how hard he tried.
Recently, Phil had been feeling a bit strange around Dan. Not necessarily a bad strange. But he didn’t really know if it was a good strange either. He thought it was fine most of the time, almost as though nothing was amiss, but then suddenly, Dan would say something and Phil’s entire body would feel hot all over, almost like he was going to faint. His chest would feel like it was going to collapse in on itself, and Phil would often obsess over the words that Dan had said all throughout the day.
Normally the words were just small comments, ones that weren’t unusual for Dan. Phil would sputter when Dan told him that he looked nice. He would inhale sharply as Dan told him how he had fun with Phil. Fuck, sometimes Dan didn’t even have to say anything, would just smile brightly, and Phil’s lungs would suddenly give up on him.
It was almost like he was having a panic attack. That was the closest thing Phil could compare the feelings to. He would display all of the symptoms: shaking, breathing problems, obsessing, perspiration. The only thing he didn’t actually feel was the panic that came along with it. Phil didn’t know what the fuck was going on with him and why Dan brought strange emotions like this to the surface.
So Phil decided to call up the one person - aside from Dan - who would never judge him no matter what.
Ledjon answered on the second ring, his voice sounding tired as though he’d just woken up from a deep sleep. Phil glanced at the clock, finding that it was only half six, and snorted, rolling his eyes.
“Seriously, Ledjon?” he asked, unamused. “You’re really sleeping right now?”
Ledjon huffed out a laugh and there was crinkling on the other side of the line, like he was shuffling in bed. In fact, Phil figured that he was doing exactly that. “Don’t judge me, Lester. I was just taking a light nap.”
“A light nap! At half six?!” Phil shook his head, sitting on his own bed. He ran his eyes over his door, making sure that the lock was turned so that Dan couldn’t get inside. He didn’t want Dan to hear any of this, especially when he was talking about him. “The night is still young. Get the fuck up, loser.”
“I’m up, I’m up,” Ledjon grumbled. Phil could imagine the light frown on his face, and it made him smile. “What did you need me for anyways? Did you just call to bully me about my sleeping habits?”
Phil sighed, the banter suddenly disappearing into thin air. He was suddenly filled with nerves for no reason other than his own feelings. His therapists words ran through his mind, telling him how he needs to open himself up to people, to tell them what he thinks in order to stop shoving his emotions deep into a box, never to be seen again. It’s the first step to healing, to admit to himself what his feelings are, to talk to people about them, but this never got easier no matter what the subject was.
Especially this subject.
Phil didn’t want to admit it to anybody, didn’t want to acknowledge the feelings bubbling up inside of him. He didn’t know what his feelings meant, but he was already worried that whatever he was feeling would ruin the friendship he and Dan had built up from the ashes. He didn’t want that, especially after everything they’d been through, after Dan had put up with Phil’s shit more than anybody else had. The thought of losing Dan now was fucking terrifying.
But he needed to get this off his chest. So with a deep breath, Phil uttered a small, “I’ve been feeling a bit strange lately and I need to talk about it with someone other than Dan.”
Ledjon made an intrigued noise and Phil could tell that he was completely awake now. Maybe he was sitting up now, staring intently at the wall as he waited for Phil to go on. “So spit it out, then,” he said in a soft tone that was completely different to what his words came off as.
Phil took a deep breath. He didn’t know what he was going to say, where he was going to start. Did he talk about how Dan made his chest squeeze tight like there was a snake wrapping around his lungs? Did he talk about how Dan’s smile lit up the whole freaking room like he was in some stupid romcom? Phil didn’t know. He didn’t know. How was he supposed to tell someone else his feelings when he didn’t know what he was feeling in the first place?
“He makes me feel…” Phil paused, gulped, tried to sort out his mind as best as he could. “Warm. Safe. I don’t know. I see him and it makes my day a thousand times better. He’s my best friend and literally the best person that I’ve ever met. He’s been here for me through literally everything and doesn’t judge me no matter what I do. Lately, I’ve just wanted to see him happy and smiling more than anything in the world. And for some reason I want his reason to smile to be me.”
The line on the other end was absolutely silent. No rustling. No breathing. No speaking. Phil let out a nervous laugh. “Is something wrong with me, Ledjon?”
Finally, there was a hint of life on the other line in the form of a deep sigh, like Ledjon had suddenly let out all of his breath at once. “Nothing is wrong with you, Phil. I think that considering what you both have been through together, it’s normal that you’d have these sorts of feelings towards him. I think you both compliment each other very well, actually.”
“But that’s the thing,” Phil whined. His voice came out much more tortured than he meant for it to, and he stood from his bed, pacing around the room. He was restless, his stomach tied in knots. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”
Ledjon laughed, his voice tinged with surprise as though the sound had been jerked out of him. Phil grimaced because he didn’t want to know why Ledjon was laughing at him, and he fell backwards onto his bed. The force of his fall made him bounce a couple of times, and he knocked his head against the edge of his bedside table. He grumbled under his breath, rubbing his head, and Ledjon had yet to answer, having gone completely silent.
“Well?” Phil asked nervously, staring at the ceiling and chuckling awkwardly. “Am I weird or am I weird?”
“You’re not weird, Phil,” Ledjon said softly. His voice was now calculating, as though he were trying to figure out how to tiptoe around Phil without upsetting him. Phil didn’t want Ledjon to tiptoe around him. Phil wanted Ledjon to be honest. He wanted Ledjon to give it to him straight and tell him how much of a fucking wuss he was.
“I think you just have a lot on your plate right now and you’re trying to figure out your emotions. That’s hardly weird. I just…” Ledjon cleared his throat and Phil’s heart started to pound so hard in his chest that he was afraid it was going to jump out, splattering on the wall and staining the white with red. “Do you think you love him? Dan, I mean?”
Phil squinted at the ceiling, and now it was his turn to bark out a laugh. It was as though he had been punched in the gut, his teeth clenching together and his eyes scrunching up so tightly that stars danced behind his eyelids. “Seriously, Ledjon?” Phil asked, unamused. “I just broke up with Nico like six months ago. I’m not exactly capable of love right now.”
“I disagree with that.” Phil opened his mouth to argue some more, but Ledjon cut him off before he could, so he just glared at the ceiling some more. “I think you’re so full of love that you don’t know what to do with yourself. It doesn’t have to be romantic, of course. Platonic love is just as important as romantic. I know that you love me, and I know that you love Dan. You love your mum, and if you didn’t have an ounce of love in you then you wouldn’t have forgiven Chandler so easily. You’re capable of love just as much as I am.”
“But not romantic love, Ledjon. I’m fucking broken. I have nightmares, and have a breakdown if I smell a certain type of cologne. My self esteem is so low that a fucking monkey likes itself more than I like myself. I’m not over Nico yet and I don’t know if I ever will be.”
Ledjon hummed, but it didn’t really sound like he believed Phil. He sounded more like he was listening to Phil’s words and considering them enough to fight back, to convince Phil that he was wrong. Phil knew he was right about that as soon as Ledjon opened his mouth again. “But that’s the thing, Phil. You are healing. You EW getting better. Maybe you’re not at your best yet, but that’s okay. We all have things to work on, and I know you’ll get there someday too. But I also know that love finds us at the weirdest times. It doesn’t exactly wait for our permission to fall in love. Sometimes it just… happens. And I sure as hell don’t think your feelings for Dan are entirely platonic.”
Phil’s head was beginning to hurt. He rolled over and buried his head into his pillow, hoping that he would suffocate and would never have to feel these dumb emotions ever again. It was just his luck, honestly. He’d just gotten out of a horrible relationship, had used people to make himself feel better, and now he was potentially falling in love with his best friend? When he was at the worst point of his entire life?
Why the fuck couldn’t he have fallen in love with Dan before he’d ever met Nico?
But then again, he wasn’t entirely convinced that he did love Dan. Of course, he did platonically, but romantically? Wasn’t that jumping the gun a little bit? Dan and Phil weren’t a thing. Dan had never shown Phil any amount of interest, had never tried to get to know him in that way. He was always just friendly, a shoulder for Phil to lean on when he needed him. His best friend.
Phil didn’t see how he could fall in love with someone so easily if he weren’t dating them. And that was why he didn’t fully believe Ledjon’s claims.
“Okay I’ll humour you for a second,” Phil said flatly, sitting up in bed. He glared at the door now, feeling on edge as though Dan could walk in at any moment. “Say that, for some reason, I do love Dan. If I end up dating him right now, I’d fucking ruin him. He deserves better than me.”
“Phil,” Ledjon huffed. He sounded irritated, although Phil knew he wasn’t. He was just playing it up a bit to make Phil quit worrying for once. It didn’t work, but Phil appreciated the effort. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You also need to start letting Dan make his own decisions on whether he deserves better than you. He’s a big boy and he can figure out what he wants.” Ledjon tsked. “I have a sneaking suspicion that Dan may love you just as much as you love him.”
Phil snorted, half because of the insinuation that Phil loved Dan, but also at the suggestion that Dan may just love Phil back. Yeah fucking right. “Right. Well on that note, I need to get off. Dan’s making dinner and I can smell the garlic bread from here.”
Ledjon cooed. “So romantic!” he exclaimed. Phil could imagine the eyebrow wiggle from over the phone. “Get you a man who can cook. I like your style.”
“Goodbye, Ledjon,” Phil said firmly, cracking only a little smile. Just a little one. Not too big.
“Bye, Phil. Just remember that garlic bread is an aphrodisiac and makes people fall in love, okay? Use protection!”
“You’re insufferable,” Phil said fondly, shaking his head. He hung up the phone before Ledjon could say anything else.
He let out a long exhale, burying his face in his hands and groaning. How was he supposed to face Dan now? Now that he’d gotten the word love thrown in his face in far too many ways than he’d have preferred.
He contemplated his existence for another five minutes before deciding to quit moping and to grow a uterus. Upon steeling himself, he stood up and opened his door, immediately walking to the kitchen where Dan was cooking spaghetti and the wonderful garlic bread. He paused in the entryway of the kitchen, just watching Dan work for a moment.
Dan was wearing an apron with cats on it that said “Meow-licioso” on the front of it in curling letters. His sleeves were rolled up as he bent over the stove to look inside the oven. He was humming a tune that Phil recognised as the Pirates of the Caribbean theme, which made him smile to himself. Dan was such a nerd, and Phil adored that about him. His eyes curved along Dan’s cheekbones, noting the way that his skin was rosy and his eyelashes caressed his cheeks like they were kissing. His lips were full and plump, but slightly cracked from where he liked to gnaw on his skin as a nervous habit.
He looked a lot happier than he had in months, and that made Phil proud. Proud to know that they were both healing and getting better. Slowly but surely.
Dan caught sight of Phil before he could hide his staring, but he didn’t comment on it. He just made a surprised noise and his face lit up like a candle as he straightened himself off and brushed off his apron. “Waifu!” he exclaimed, making Phil roll his eyes.
“Waifu? Seriously?” Phil asked with fake exasperation.
“What!” Dan laughed, eyes bright. “You aren’t my waifu?”
Phil shook his head, raising his eyebrows. “It’s not that. It’s just,” he gestured to Dan’s apron, “isn’t it you who should be my waifu?”
Dan pouted and put his hands on his hips, totally completing his look as Phil’s anime wife. It made Phil chuckle fondly, and he was sure his expression was disgustingly sappy. “It’s not as fun to say husbando though, Phil!” The way that he said Phil’s name made it sound like there was a ‘w’ at the end, and it made Phil’s heart grow in his chest a little bit. “Just give me this for once.”
“Fine, fine,” Phil sighed as if it was the hardest thing in the world. “I’ll let you be my husbando then. Boring.”
Dan clapped excitedly and flung himself at Phil, giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek that made him screech and try to slap Dan away. But then he thought better of it and instead grabbed Dan, pulling him closer, before moving his hair out of the way and planting a bit wet kiss on his forehead. His lips made a loud smacking noise as he pulled away and there was spit making Dan’s forehead shine, but it was gone before Phil could even process it by Dan’s sudden furious dabbing. “Phil, you’re disgusting!” he whined.
Phil scoffed. “Me?! I’m the disgusting one?! You’re the one who started it in the first place!”
“But you could have messed up my hair!”
“To hell with your bloody hair, Dan. Looks better curly anyways.”
“Not curly with spit, you fucking spork!”
They bickered back and forth for a moment with no real bite to their words. There were smiles on their faces and a light aura surrounding them. After a moment, Dan began to cook again, turning back to the stove while still bitching about his hair, and Phil grinned to himself as he watched Dan stir the sauce into the noodles. A little blob of marinara splashed onto Dan’s cheek, and Phil chuckled, walking closer to him so that he could wipe it off with his index finger.
Dan paused, and Phil could swear that his cheeks turned a slight shade of pink under his touch, but it was gone before he could truly tell, leaving Phil to wonder if he’d even seen it at all.
“You had some sauce on your cheek,” Phil explained softly, holding up his stained finger in explanation. There was a moment where he considered licking it off because that’s what he saw people do in anime, but he stopped himself from being weird before he could do so. The last thing he needed right now was to make Dan feel uncomfortable. So he wiped it off on a paper towel, sitting down at the kitchen table as he watched Dan finish cooking.
When Dan was finished, he loaded up a heap of spaghetti onto Phil’s plate, as well as two pieces of garlic bread, and set it in front of Phil with a glass of ribena. Phil thanked him for being such a good housewife and began to dig in, moaning at the taste. In his opinion, Dan was the best cook in the entire world, and Phil was just a lowly peasant who got to taste Dan’s wonders.
Dinner was just like every other night. They laughed, they chatted about their days. Dan talked about how he was working on a film at school and had made Louise be his prop so he could aesthetically film her. Phil, in turn, told Dan how he’d just been working all day, and then he’d done nothing and was getting kind of bored of just doing that.
It was normal. It was just them.
Except it wasn’t.
Now, Phil noticed things. He noticed how his eyes lingered on Dan’s lips for too long to be friendly. How he tracked the movement whenever Dan licked or bit at his lips. He noticed how Dan’s eyes ran over Phil’s face as though Dan was trying to drink in every single one of Phil’s facial expressions. How Dan’s expression was far fonder than whenever he looked at anyone else.
It was different, and Phil didn’t know if he liked it. He sort of wished he hadn’t called Ledjon earlier, because now these feelings were here, and they made sense, and he didn’t know if he wanted them to.
So he stuffed them down deep inside. Pretended like his stomach wasn’t in knots every time Dan laughed at one of his jokes. He pretended as though he was normal and he just looked at Dan like a friend, just as he should. Only a friend.
Because he couldn’t bring Dan down with him. He couldn’t use Dan as a means to feel better. Because while he loved Dan and trusted him with his life, Phil didn’t trust himself enough to know that he wouldn’t hurt Dan.
He refused to destroy the most beautiful thing in his life.
Chapter Twenty-Seven 
161 notes · View notes
theworldsoul · 3 years
Text
I've been very upset lately. The pressure is insane.
And it's not like I don't know math or understand the material, I actually know all the concepts and everything. The only issue is I make little mistakes, the tiniest little mistakes, I forgot about the exponent, I wrote it as negative instead of positive, I forgot the units, I have the wrong amount of sigdigs, I added instead of multiplying... simple things, small things.
This is because my brain doesn't function well with so many rules. It simply doesn't compute long lists of strict rules sorry babe. No joke, all my mistakes arent cos I dont know what I'm doing, they're because I forgot soemthing small.
Fuck this shit man I'm not meant to be doing this... like, the amount of stress this is causing me... and I just know that tommorow after I get a shit mark my parents will be angry... I was given one days notice about the exam??? I study for hours every day??? Idk what else you want me to do like I'm already ruining my mental health for this.
I've told them before that it felt like I was overworking myself and they said that's just somehting I have to get used to and that's honestly so fucking upsetting. Like I rly said "yeah this class is fucking me up" and they went "lol idc get used to it, it will be like this for the rest of your life. Also work harder ur marks suck."
Like bro??? I have cried more in the past day than I've ever cried in ONE DAY... probably like 7 times. That's not normal, I dont think. Either I have some sort of illness or this is too much. I think maybe I have soemthing wrong with ME. Everyone else seems to handle it fine, no one else cries like I do. No one else is constantly doubting their intelligence.
Maybe it's a memory issue??? Like, one day of class I legit raised my hand and solved a question without ever having seen that sort of question before just with Logic, but yesterday I panicked because I couldn't remember how to solve it, in fact I didn't remember it at all until I asked the teacher and she told me that I should know since I was the first to have a correct answer... its almost like my brain doesn't remember math. Maybe that's because it's not built to do math??? Not like that matters... if I want a house in the future I need to finish math with a good grade.
This is SHIT. I work so hard and still I'm unable to live up to the expectations... I'm given at least 30 questions to complete for homework (I get like 4ish hours to do them since I get home at 3, go to bed at 9 and eat supper around 5) and I only end up completing like 6 before i have to go to sleep.... its painful and it's sad and I DON'T BELONG HERE!!!!! I DON'T BELONG IN A FUCKING MATH CLASS, MUCH LESS A GRADE 11 LEVEL IB MATH PROGRAM THAT WAS ORIGINALLY A YEAR LONG COURSE CONDESNED TO FIT INTO THE SPAN OF ONE/TWO MONTHS!!!!
But I can't just... do something easier. I can't. It's not an option if I want a house when I'm older. It's not an option if I want my parents to not hate me. It's not an option if I want to make the teacher who called me "hardworking" and pulled the strings to get me here proud.
I feel guilty for thinking that my hard work and dedication and whatever could ever match the natural wit of the kids who sit next to me. I feel inferior to them as I struggle with a problem that they complete instantly. I feel like I'm worthless. And maybe I am. The MOST IMPORTANT AND MOST RESPECTED SUBJECT is the one I am the worst at. And the ones my parents and society in general dismiss as being useless or stupid are the ones I'm good at and I enjoy. If the things I CAN do aren't good enough, what good am I as a person? What do I serve to society as a person? ...NOTHING.
The pain I feel over this is literally tortuous, fuck, I can't handle it, it physically hurts and it feels like my body is too weak to handle all the pain. I'm not even fucking joking, this makes me miserable. It ALWAYS has. I was so stupid to think I could EVER be good enough. I was so stupid to think if I studied for hours on end I would magically become better at math. It doesn't work that way....
And I feel guilty for wanting to be loved an valued, because how can I expect that when I can't do anything to be deserving of that? I feel guilty for the fear of my parents reactions upon seeing whatever grade I get tommorow, because really, I deserve whatever punishment comes to me. Because really, I'm not worth even having a bed to sleep in if I can't do basic fucking math. I'm so stupid. I'm SO FUCKING STUPID.
I don't know if I'll make it. If I'll pass my classes and make it. If ill get grades good enough to get a job that will pay me Enough.
This is so scary... I hate how my future hinges on this... I'm 15 and whether I live in a house or on the streets is dependent on how good I am at math.
Fuck this it's so stressful I'm panicking and I honestly wish I wasnt even human at all... I wish I could be a bird or a dog or cat or whatever, an animal that is loved, an animal that is happy and free of this crushing. Pressure. An animal that just... no thoughts head empty only animal sounds. Or maybe a baby. It would be nice to be a baby or a small child who only has to know how to write their name and maybe count to ten. Oblivious and happy and cared about. Or maybe it would be best to just be nothing at all. Freed from the prison I've been condemned to live in. Nothing at all. I wish I could sleep and never wake up.
I want to be happy... fuck. I guess I am overdoing it. Something's wrong with me lately. Normal people don't have so many breakdowns in such short spans of time over such stupid bullshit. I think that maybe I've been treated too softly in the past and now that I actually have to work its come as a shock to me.
But that makes no sense. I'm able to work and I do work, a lot, it just isn't helping and my brain won't take it in properly.
When I wake up tommorow my eyes will be swollen from crying so much.
0 notes
bthenoise · 4 years
Text
Yes, Another Decade Recap List: These Are The 16 Most Impactful Records of the 2010′s
Tumblr media
Look, to be honest, when it came to constructing some sort of “end of decade” list looking back on the 2010′s, we here at The Noise really had no idea what we wanted to do. 
With literally hundreds and hundreds of amazing releases over the last 10 years, how in the world are we supposed to pick “the best” of the decade? 
The answer: We aren’t.
See, the idea of something being labeled “the best” is subjective. It’s simply one person’s opinion vs the other. And truthfully, the idea of us thinking our opinion on something is any better or more important than yours makes us look like a bunch of assholes. 
Really, who cares what we think is the best? 
So, after constructing a colossal playlist featuring 1000 of our favorite songs from the 2010′s, something became very clear to us. Of all the songs we picked, there were a handful of records that contributed way more songs than the others. 
Simply put, these albums made a lasting mark on this decade that go way deeper than them being any good or not. These particular albums helped influence a generation, jumpstart artists’ careers and ultimately solidify themselves as the most impactful releases of the 2010′s. 
The albums we decided to shine a light on from the last ten years are records that carry more weight than just being a fan-favorite. We’re talking about releases we’ll look back on as a moment where everything changed for that artist.       
To check out the 16 albums we think are the biggest movers and shakers from our scene over the last ten years, be sure to look below. Afterward, if you hate our list and really want to tell us your opinion, you can file a complaint at: [email protected].  
16) Movements - Feel Something
youtube
Starting our list off is a debut record from 2017 that helped propel a band from opening act to headliner in no time. With an impressive six-track EP released the year prior, SoCal act Movements quickly solidified their emerging star status with their flawless LP Feel Something. Following their first-ever full-length, Movements went on to sell out 27 dates of their first headlining tour and perform on the main stage of the final cross country Warped Tour. With a new album on the horizon, we’ll see just how far Movements and their unique brand of alternative pop-punk are able to take things leading into a new decade.  
15) Dance Gavin Dance - Acceptance Speech
youtube
How does a band with two former frontmen and four fantastic LPs continue to thrive eight years into their career? Enter, Tilian Pearson. Following another departure of original vocalist Jonny Craig, post-hardcore experimentalists Dance Gavin Dance turned to the former Tides Of Man singer to handle the vacant role of clean vocals. The result? The game-changing release of Acceptance Speech which helped spring-board the band to another level of musical perfection. Six years and three more genre-defining albums later, DGD and Pearson are still going strong gearing up to headline their own hometown festival and release their ninth full-length album all thanks in part to their 2013 LP.      
14) Ice Nine Kills - The Silver Scream
youtube
Coming in as the most recent record on our list, this horror-based release will be seen as the turning point in a band’s seasoned tenure. After 10-plus years of honing their craft, Boston’s Ice Nine Kills finally saw the fruits of their labor with the groundbreaking, career-defining album The Silver Scream. Taking the passion of metalheads and scary movie fanatics and combining them into a blood-soaked, breakdown-heavy package, Ice Nine Kills constructed a record that will easily withstand the test of time and help them extend their careers well into the 2020′s.   
13) Code Orange - I Am King
youtube
Dropping the “Kids” from their moniker and shifting gears into their first album as just Code Orange, the Pittsburgh bruisers constructed an unrelenting metal record that shook listeners to their core. With a punishing opening track that literally warns you about what you’re about to experience, it was pretty evident I Am King was unlike anything people have ever heard. Coupled with the mind-altering “Dreams In Inertia” and the utterly pulverizing “My World,” Code Orange quickly and deservingly so became the metal megastars they were destined to become.  
12) Ghost - Meliora
youtube
Speaking of metal megastars, after slowly creating word-of-mouth with their cult-like presence, throwback metal sounds and revolving door of Papa Emeritus frontmen, Sweedish act Ghost finally put it all together with their third studio album Meliora. Lead by the Grammy-winning single “Cirice,” Meliora fused haunting heavy metal imagery with roaring and anthemic songwriting creating the perfect package of evil-yet-accessible music. Debuting at number 8 on the Billboard 200 chart selling an estimated 29,000 copies in its first week, it was clear no matter which Papa was fronting the band, Ghost was ready to claim their spot atop the metal hierarchy.    
11) Issues - Issues
youtube
Not many bands can say that their first full-length album debuted inside the top ten of the Billboard 200. But then again, not many bands are Issues. Fusing djent, hip-hop, metal, pop-punk, R&B and more to create their sensational self-titled album, Issues proved they were more than just a band featuring former members of Woe, Is Me. Instead, Issues showcased a group of talented, trendsetting musicians destined to change the landscape of metalcore music for the better.     
10) I Prevail - Lifelines
youtube
After a famed cover of a well-known pop artist quickly put them on the map, Detroit’s I Prevail instantly had all the pressure in the world as they started to create what would be their debut album. Riding the success of their first EP Heart Vs Mind and tours with the likes of Hollywood Undead, Crown The Empire and Pop Evil, the Michigan act suddenly shot to the top of the metalcore ranks with the release of their remarkable, sonically-charged LP Lifelines. Charting at number 15 on the Billboard 200 selling over 19,000 copies in the first week, I Prevail went on to play Warped Tour for the first time -- finding a home on the main stage -- and later headlined the Rage On The Stage tour with scene veterans We Came As Romans, The Word Alive and Escape The Fate. Now Grammy-nominated and continuing to grow even larger, thanks in part to the accomplishments of Lifelines, I Prevail is without-a-doubt one of our scene’s biggest acts.
09) PVRIS - White Noise 
youtube
In the midst of metalcore’s supremacy in the Warped Tour scene -- thanks to the never-ending list of “Risecore” bands -- came an act no one saw coming. Featured on a roster with the likes of Memphis May Fire, Miss May I, Like Moths To Flames, Crown The Empire and more was a pop-savvy, synth-lead baby band mistakenly pronounced “p-ver-is.” With their infectious, critically acclaimed debut White Noise landing at number 88 on Billboard and totaling nearly 50 million YouTube views on its TEN music videos, PVRIS proved it was possible to make an impact in this community with sheer talent, hard work, and catchy-as-hell lyricism. After just one listen to the undeniably great lead single “St. Patrick,” you’ll know exactly what we’re talking about.    
08) Knocked Loose - Laugh Tracks 
youtube
15 years from now, if we haven’t burnt the earth to the ground yet, we’ll look back on the Laugh Tracks era of Knocked Loose and remember where we were -- you know, because by 2034 Knocked Loose will be one of the biggest bands on the planet. Anyway, for us, the most memorable moment was watching them play “Billy No Mates” on the 2017 Vans Warped Tour at the Full Sail Stage. It was easily the largest and most insane side stage set we had ever seen in our 10 years of attending Warped Tour. From that very moment, we knew Knocked Loose and Laugh Tracks were going to be a big deal. Fast forward to 2019 and the band is now selling out 2,000-capacity venues on a semi-nightly basis. 2034 here we come!  
07) Beartooth - Disgusting 
youtube
Very rarely does a member of a former band make it bigger with his second act. In those situations though, those people aren’t Caleb Shomo. Venturing out from his teenage band Attack Attack!, Shomo started Beartooth as a fun project with zero expectations of anything blowing up. Little did he know after building buzz with his chaotic 2013 EP Sick, Beartooth was about to take things to a whole nother level with the release of their massive breakout LP Disgusting. Fiery and fearsome from start to finish and full of nothing but hits like “In Between,” "The Lines” and “Beaten In Lips,” Disgusting is definitely the fuse that lit Beartooth’s outstanding career.
06) Every Time I Die - Low Teens
youtube
How does a hardcore band 18 years into a well-respected career keep things relevant and progressing to a point where they’re anointed into “cult” status? Well, how about releasing their darkest, most emotionally charged album of their discography. After a life-altering scare to frontman Keith Buckley and his family, the longtime vocalist constructed some of his deepest and most honest lyrics for Every Time I Die’s soul-crushing LP Low Teens. Featuring guest vocals from Deadguy’s Tim Singer and Panic! At The Disco’s Brendon Urie (plus their most moving song to date “Map Change”), ETID showed off their versatility with their eighth studio album and were treated to a successful two-year touring cycle with the likes of Taking Back Sunday, Fall Out Boy, Motionless In White and Turnstile as well as a memorable run on the last-ever Vans Warped Tour. Not to mention, following the success of Low Teens, the band’s hometown of Buffalo, NY officially proclaimed December 15th, 2018 as “Every Time I Die Day” and a year later inducted them into the Buffalo Music Hall of Fame.     
05) Of Mice & Men - Restoring Force 
youtube
While some may point to 2011′s The Flood as the record that “broke” scene-favorites Of Mice & Men and others might argue their debut self-titled release was what laid the foundation for one of this decade’s most successful acts, we’d like to focus on 2014. Continuing to climb the metalcore ranks following the release of two very well-received records, Austin Carlile and Co. put out their career-changing LP Restoring Force featuring new bassist and clean vocalist Aaron Pauley. Laying to rest any displeasure about their changes in sound or lineup, Of Mice & Men went on to sell over 51,000 copies in the first week peaking at number 4 on the Billboard 200. Riding the success of their third full-length album, OM&M later went on to support bands like Linkin Park and Rise Against out on tour thus solidifying their spot as one of the biggest metalcore acts of the 2010′s.       
04) A Day To Remember - Common Courtesy 
youtube
Some people remember A Day To Remember’s Common Courtesy for different reasons. Maybe it was the hilarious “reality series” made to promote the record -- the “Golden Eagle” episode was our favorite! Or maybe it was the seemingly never-ending lawsuit battle between the band and the notoriously greedy Victory Records -- we’ll never forget when ADTR broke the news on stage that the album was actually coming. For us, what we remember most was the first time we saw the music video for “Right Back At It Again.” We watched that goofy, cartoony music video 500 times trying to catch all the different things they put in the video -- like did you ever notice the surfing dog or aliens abducting cows? Well, whatever it was that got you to check out Common Courtesy, there’s no denying the impact it had on A Day To Remember’s career as the Ocala natives have only gotten even bigger since that 2013 release. With a new album on the way from the not-at-all-greedy Fueled By Ramen, it’ll be exciting to see where the 2020′s take ADTR next.        
03) Architects - Holy Hell
youtube
With all the biopics being made today, there is no doubt in our mind one will be made about Brighton’s finest, Architects. With an already established career under their belts dating back to 2006, the band was continuing to see growth following their signing to Epitaph Records and the release of breathtaking LPs Lost Forever // Lost Together and All Our Gods Have Abandoned Us. Then, just like that, on August 20th, 2016 founding guitarist and primary songwriter Tom Searle lost his fight with cancer. Leaving the band in an obvious state of disarray after losing their bandmate and brethren, Architects were left with the choice of giving up or continuing Tom’s legacy. As with most biopics, this story has a positive ending as Architects decided to fight through the pain and ultimately release not just one of the best records of their career but one of the best records in metalcore, period.       
02) Bring Me The Horizon - That’s The Spirit 
youtube
This can go one of two ways: You either accept That’s The Spirit is Bring Me The Horizon’s most impactful career-defining record to date or fight with us to the death that Sempiternal is deserving of this spot. Either way, there’s no denying Bring Me The Horizon’s influence on this decade. With their boundary-pushing LP That’s The Spirit, frontman Oli Sykes traded his growl for more of a pop-laced bite as BMTH ushered in their most successful era as a band seeing their fifth studio album land at number 2 on the Billboard 200. Still doubting That’s The Sprit’s impact on the scene? In 2018, only three years after its release, the gold-certified record amassed over one BILLION Spotify streams -- billion, with a B!  
01) Pierce The Veil - Collide With The Sky 
youtube
Want to talk about a life-changing album? For San Diego scenesters Pierce The Veil, the famed four-piece went from a successful slow-building career to becoming a full-blown force with their third full-length record. Building off two well-received albums in A Flair For The Dramatic and Selfish Machines, Vic Fuentes and Co. (with the help of a Kellin Quinn-featured song) absolutely exploded into another stratosphere -- no pun intended -- with their now-gold-certified album Collide With The Sky. Lead by their platinum-selling single “King For A Day” and their Spanish-styled song “Bulls In The Bronx,” Pierce The Veil took the scene by storm thanks to their angsty, heart-pounding Fearless Records debut.
Honorable Mentions:
Deafheaven - Sunbather  Falling In Reverse - The Drug In Me Is You  Neck Deep - Life’s Not Out To Get You Nothing More - The Stories We Tell Ourselves  PUP - PUP State Champs - Around The World And Back The Amity Affliction - Let The Ocean Take Me  The Story So Far - What You Don’t See The Wonder Years - The Greatest Generation Wage War - Blueprints
1 note · View note