#okay I KNOW she probably read his novels and not his philosophy

[girljeremystrong]

cat!!!! hi!!!! i want to get my non-reader friend into reading. he probs won't read anything over 150-200 pages so i'm trying to find an entertaining short book. all the short books i love are essays or philosophy or things i think he could like in time but would probably find dry at the start (especially cause he hasn't read anything recreationally for years). so im at a loss and wanted to know if u have any recs for short books that are page-turners/easy to read <3 hope ur having a good day beloved xo

hello my love <3

first of all sorry for replying late but i was sleeping and then i had to go to the BANK but anyway i have compiled a little list of books i loved that are under 200 pages. there are lots of classics that are shorter and i've included them even though i think some of those would be stuff that you or him might have already read!

contemporary fiction

open water by caleb azumah nelson: THIS IS SUCH A GREAT ONE that i can't imagine anyone not enjoying. truly. it's a love story between two black young british people but it's far from a tiktok romance novel. it explores themes of race and masculinity and vulnerability and it's soft but also very real and it's wonderful. honestly if i had to only recommend one it would be this!

small things like these by claire keegan: very good and quietly hopeful story of a man in a little irish town at christmas. everybody was talking about this book last year and with good reason, it's great.

whereabouts by jhumpa lahiri: the story of a woman in the town she lives in and how it can change in a year. this is an introspective one but jhumpa lahiri is a genius so it reads very easily and it's so wonderfully written.

interpreter of maladies by jhumpa lahiri: short stories, mainly dealing with indian characters in the US. they feel absolutely universal while teaching something about culture and belonging. won the pulitzer in 1999.

how not to drown in a glass of water by angie cruz: a woman narrates the story of her life to her counselor who's trying to find her a job. it's funny and hopeful and memorable. the author is so great (she wrote another one called dominicana that is a masterpiece although is longer!)

kim jiyoung, born 1982 by cho nam-joo: the story of a new mum living in korea that explores the estrangement of being a woman and having to give up so much. it's definitely more serious but it's written very well and it doesn't feel heavy at all.

swimming in the dark by tomasz jedrowski: this one is incredible. it's the story of a polish university student who falls in love with another man in the 1980s in an obviously very repressive society. so he's in love but he wants protest and he can't ignore the struggles and the disparity around him. it's very political but also lyrical and tender.

someone who will love you in all your damaged glory by raphael bob-waksberg: okay this breaks 200 pages at 256 pages long. but it's so good. everybody would love this. it's by the creator of bojack horseman if that can be an incentive somehow. it's a collection of stories that are so unconventional and bizarre in the most incredible way. they are funny stories and sweet and absurd and sad. i really loved reading this book.

infinite country by patricia engel: the story of a colombian family dealing with deportation. it's from the pov of elena who is the eldest daughter. it's a beautiful book that deals with very real struggles and it does it beautifully.

classics

recitatif by toni morrison: very short story (about 20 pages) but so clever and so well written of course. it's the story of two women who have known each other since they were children. they lose touch and then they reconnect when they're older. one of them is white and one of them is black, but the author never tells you which is which. so it's a great story about race.

the cossacks by leo tolstoy: the story of a man who loses his fortune and retires to a cossack village. it's very russian... but it's very well written and definitely explores some of the themes that tolstoy will then explore in war and peace like the purpose of life and war and his love of nature.

white nights by fyodor dostoevsky: again very russian. but less than 100 pages long! it's the story of a young man living in st petersburg who one day meets a girl and they become fast friends. they both feel like outcasts, so together they feel like they can belong. it is actually great.

giovanni's room by james baldwin: lots of baldwin's books (both his fiction and non-fiction) are short ones actually. this one is the story of a man in paris who, while waiting for his girlfriend to get there, falls in love with a man. it's an incredible story dense with love and passion and shame and it is wonderful.

the old man and the sea by hemingway: old man tries to catch big fish after not being able to catch any fish for a long time. but also so much more than that and nobody made me read this in school so i only read it at 25 and it blew me away. everybody told me it would be so sad but i think it's actually hopeful and a little bit it is a story about community? and it tells you that there's people waiting for you to come back.

of mice and men by steinbeck: again i read it in my mid twenties and loved it. it's a gut punch. it's about two men clinging together as laborers in california. it deals with what it means to feel powerless in a tyrant world.

franny and zooey by salinger: one of the best books ever i think. franny and zooey are brother and sister and they are two young people experiencing existential doubts. it's a book about family and about growing into adults and about the alienation that comes with that. salinger knows how to write young people in a crisis so well and how to make it engaging and entertaining.

having compiled this list i now see that my tastes definitely are oriented in a certain way but i hope at least one of these can work for your friend. i tried to include all the shorter books that i have read and loved and i think that generally anyone could enjoy them, but you never know!

hope you're having a great day too!!! mwah!!

#reasoncourt #ask #books

[yukinojou]

The Sandman on Netflix - first impressions

Okay, not so much first impressions as "I mainlined the lot in 26 hours and it only took so long because I was stuck at work for the first 7 watching on my breaks and then had to actually break for sleep". Spoiler-free above the cut, spoilery below it, criticisms at the end.

Caveat: I've been a Sandman fan for 22 years. I first read the books in a big bookshop, doing the surreptitious reading at the bookshelf for two weeks in snatches, because I was in London with very little money and graphic novels were very expensive. It took me five years to buy the lot, and it was only then that I found out how the story ended because I didn't manage to get that far in those two weeks. The Sandman was absolutely foundational for my philosophy, aesthetic, and dear gods Desire was a revelation - "You mean you can be both???" I never liked Preludes & Nocturnes' horror bend, so it's my least-reread volume, but Doll's House is my second favourite after Season of Mists. I've read all the Gaiman-penned addenda and most of the first run of The Dreaming. BIG Sandman fan.

And the show blew me out of the water:

Perfect cast is perfect. I had a lot of reservations because of the announced ones, only Kirby Howell-Baptiste, Mason Alexander Park and Gwendoline Christie immediately seemed right for their parts. But somehow they've dug up Exactly The Right People and let them play it with a richness of nuance that is so rarely allowed in American drama.

The pacing. The show breathes! There are quiet moments, there are very few action sequences, and the big plot moments are people talking. Let the words tell the story, let the actors act, let the scenery breathe and shine.

The filmography is quietly lovely. It starts "typical BBC Period Drama" but veers so soon into the just-off, just-bizarre. All the taxidermy at Fawney Rigg, the richness of every set (messy rooms!), the texture of everything. And even when it's not recreating the panels one by one (which, closest adaptation of a comic I've ever seen), it's shot in such a graphical way, drawing the eyes to the action with the composition, especially in the first episode. Much appreciation for clear vivid lighting in such a dark show too, I didn't have a single moment when I didn't know what was going on. And the colours in the second half are so bright, a very glam lighting that disappears for mists and shadows as the spell breaks.

I saw someone on Tumblr mention this is a bit like Sandman fanfic, that sensibility of fleshing out motivations and behind the scenes actions. And it is, and it works, plus it tightens plotlines in a way that hopefully makes sense to people watching for the first time. Which I'm very much not, as someone who can quote whole pages.

The rewrites are - the first word that comes to mind is Kind. Neil's a more mature writer now, not a shock jock in his twenties, there's no template of gritty 80s comics he has to adhere to in order to get the show to our screens. In the comic, the kindness only really arrived with Death in issue 6. Here, the tweaks let it be present from the beginning. And all the nuance and richness - you can see where he took characters that were flat stereotypes and then jiggled them until layers spread out. More about that below, in the spoilers...

Spoilery plot bits:

I actually love Ethel the most of the changes? She's such a pistol and a conwoman and legend in her own right, using Roderick and probably so many others to learn and forge a life on her own terms. I love the fact she let John use the ruby as a child, that we saw her arrival at Fawney Rigg and all the research she must have done to recognise Alex offhand, and that she showed up the Corinthian in five minutes flat, only letting him get close because she knew that's how she makes people go splat. I already liked her in the book, especially the way she calmly let her co-conspirator go splat there, but letting her shine was very much the right choice. I adore complicated women, and the way her sacrifice was echoed in Unity at the end, though honestly I would have had John grab the amulet from her rather than refuse.

The Corinthian's plotline - more about HIM later because oh my favourite eye munching nightmare was perfect, but that's the fanfic bit. He doesn't exactly change anything in Preludes & Nocturnes, but it makes perfect sense that he'd be doing it, because he's a smart cookie who doesn't want to go home and play nice. And in the Doll's House he actually pulls the plot together a lot. All a logical extrapolation, and building on both his popularity in the Kindly Ones and The Dreaming, and the fact they managed to cast Exactly The Right Guy.

The rewrites in 24/7 - damn, I'm going to have to rewatch this one, aren't I? Ugh. But I've seen Lourdes' character called a tiger woman and she's very much not, she's just trying to forge her happy ending and her equal partner, trying not to poke at the insecurities he has while still supporting him and not diminishing herself. And Bette, so desperate, so fragile there with all the things she won't let herself feel in order to be safe in her small town as a vulnerable single mother, and that's death as a writer, that's why she can't write her book. The scene where she burns her manuscript just made my heart hurt. The whole sequence is so much quieter and less graphic and yet more heartwrenching. You're so ready for Dee to go down with a bang.

(Rosemary! I had an inkling she'd survive when she was Black - because optics of her getting shot in that situation - and when the dog appeared because Neil knows if he killed a dog just after Gregory's sacrifice we'd riot, but oh the layers in the way she did survive, giving up on everything, just pleading for the dog, the way it showed how much a hurt simple kid Dee is too... Rosemary is so much love.)

Doll's House revisions give people more agency, and Gault is adorable as a sort of light mirror of the Corinthian, but I was a little sad about losing Lyta's confinement in the Dreaming, a pregnancy that lasted years. Some of that languidness was there in the series, but the hair brushing and lack of agency in the comics made the explosion of anger after Hector disappeared into a more wrenching shock.

I read about the Cereal Convention years before I attended my first WorldCon, and mwahahaha. Still a loving sendup of literary cons, with their panels and awkwardness and small talk and the flash of recognising a fellow obsessive. Gilbert ducking in and out of panels was brilliant.

Lucifer doing the Oldest Game was absolutely logical (honestly, Choronzon almost besting Dream always felt like a stretch), but oh the ending. As above, Season of Mists is my absolute favourite Sandman volume, and Gwendoline's Lucifer stepping down and shutting out all that racket of demons who dared command them will be the very best. How soon can we have season two?

Casting, broken out separately because the squee is strong:

Tom! Okay, I liked the Sandman Audible thing, and James McAvoy is a favourite actor, but it let me down with the kind of Morpheus voice so much I was resigned to not having the voice-in-my-brain in the series as well. But it is, and it's the grave white-on-black baritone in my dreams. He also acts so subtly with the eyes and makes the best faces, so much I'm willing to forgive the fact he often forgets to close his mouth completely. (He does have lovely lips, doesn't he?) The moments where the stubble comes through were jarring at first, but also very true to the comics. And oh, his 17th century wig was the best, shadows of Michael Wincott in The Crow. Plus the way he shows Morpheus thawing and cogitating desperately each time a woman yells at him (which is roughly twice per episode) is so clear and almost adorable. Oh, the ending is going to hurt so much.

Boyd! I was honestly worried about him because I hadn't seen him in anything before and in his usual offstage look he's - a bit awkward, like completely not what I imagined the Corinthian as, and also not the right voice (again, offstage). But oh, I should have trusted him. Because this is perfect, this is MY Corinthian, the eye-munching gay nightmare I've loved for two decades. True to himself, so much joy of life (ice cream scene!), crafty and in love with adulation, so flawed and bright in ways that completely don't address the serial killer part. I love that even more than Morpheus, he has chemistry with everyone. Like, people see him and want to make out immediately, and you buy it because he's charm on a stick. And he does it all in sunglasses, dammit. And he's so funny! I can't wait until The Kindly Ones, because Boyd and Patton Oswald are going to be a HOOT.

Vivienne! I literally had a phone named Lucien, that's how much I love the character, and she's perfect and open-hearted and frustrated. I really hope they'll bring up her raven past at some point, because that's the core of her devotion and the clear-headed way she sees Morpheus.

Kirby! Oh, she's just THERE, she's Death, that's her and her kindess and cheer and frustration with her boneheaded brother. That bit with her taking off her shoes was just *chef's kiss*. She's there and she's Death and she looks perfect in a 14th century headdress while daring her brother to strike a friendship that'll last centuries.

Come to that, Ferdinand Kingsley was adorable and also very confusing because at some angles he looks very much like my cousin. But his chemistry with Dream was perfect and I can't wait to see him again.

Gwendoline, of course, was dreamy and poisonous and oh, that smile at the very end killed me dead. I didn't know she had so much malice she could drag up to the screen like that, and even that slightly dodgy Rose of Versailles wig couldn't get in the way. Her clothes, on the other hand, mmm.

Mason! I was sold on them as Desire as soon as I looked up them doing Frank'n'Furter and Cabaret MC, but oh, you can see they love Desire the way I do, the way Desire as Dream's sister-brother was a revelation and a breaking of gender chains, and Mason's having so much fun with it. Plus they totally sold me in both sibling scenes, the very tactile and adoring way they were with Despair, the way they kept pushing Dream's buttons to the very end.

(I adore Despair's upgrade to comfy clothes and crocs. Despair's such an everyday thing, so insidious and hiding in plain sight, it fits so well.)

*flails* Everyone else was great too, with honourable mention to Emma Duncan, who gave away so much with her eyes, and Ernest Kingsley (Kai'ckul) who managed to copy Tom's performance to the letter while doing very heavy eye-emoting in just moments.

Criticisms:

I wish Cain and Abel had more time, because I love them. They bring out the Dreaming's creepiness nicely, but it wasn't even mentioned that Secrets are always true and Mysteries are stories. (And yes I mourn Gregory, but it was a well-written sacrifice and Goldie tied the knot nicely.)

I really don't think the budget was as high as rumoured, because the CGI is - sparse? I mean, it's beautiful, but at some points it's C-drama streaming budget, not millions per episode. Really visible outside Hector and Lyta's house, where all people are Very Pastede In, and outside the physical sets like the throne room and the library, the Dreaming suffers from lack of texture at times. The Threshold too, the outside was well done but the inside is just red. I'd love more organic textures there.

Relatedly, the dreams of the house dreamers in Doll's House aren't weird enough, especially when they start to merge by just dropping people into the same meadow. The vortex effect was pretty cool, but before that, no blurring, no overlapping, and the dreams themselves - I loved Zelda breaking Chantal's recurrence, but the dreams weren't different enough. They could have done so much with different lighting, CGI and whatnot, the way they did Dee's attack on the throne room, but I suspect budget was running out and they were relying on the actors to sell it (which they did, but I love that sequence so much in the comic).

And okay, some of my favourite quotes didn't make it in. "Beware the march of ideas!" "I give you a name and the name is lost!" And of course I imagined the summoning incantation differently, more frantic, more building up, but then they surprised themselves that it worked...

And that's everything out of my brain in the first hours. Maybe now I can actually sleep? And someone stop me from writing fanfic with Ethel and the Corinthian because whoa, that chemistry sizzled.

#the sandman #the sandman netflix #the corinthian #sandman #sandman netflix #ethel cripps

[gerrymike]

Writing pointers Ive internalised up to now more or less for my own reference no one asked but i needed the refresher

- classic show not tell kinda subscribed to the Palahniuk school i dont have the article on hand but it’s good even though i forget to do it sometimes. My philosophy is show for the 80% of time where showing lets you puppet around sexier pictures, tell for maybe 20% of the time when you have a specific voice to the telling and if the pictures the showing makes are pointless/redundant/slow-downs. okay hey wait I found the article it’s called “Nuts and bolts”

- Ocean Vuong on metaphors where the metaphor HAS to serve a purpose or connect to something, or at least have an “underneath” underside to it that can’t be accessed through any other means, note: sometimes the metaphor comes to you but usually if you feel real strong about it and can’t seem to replace it with anything else then it’s probably got a hidden layer already that will show itself to you with time even if it doesn’t really make sense in the moment. This pointer is the main source of my anguish when i read my old stuff because Im always like fucccckkkkk this metaphor is so gauche, what are you doing

- again i dont fkin remember where this is from but the thing about external/internal prose - God i swear this is from someone’s medium account but i don’t know. Basically interior novels where page space is mainly your character’s thoughts VS physical space novels, with your characters moving around, acting out and interacting with an environment with their thoughts maybe veiled from reader. Kind of ties into Nuts and Bolts with the showing, but on a diff level I like to stay in the external realm in a way where you could block the whole novel as a play with clearer, charming actions that can translate to visually compelling stage directions. Of course it depends on how interior/exterior your narrator/character is but in principle i find it easy to dislike overly interior narrators (why should your reader care what your narrator thinks??)

- secondary to prev point, if the movement/interactions you block aren’t inherently stylish then they should serve a purpose, moving your characters from point A to point B necessitates a relevant activity at point B, a push factor away from point A, or valuable information communicated from what happens in the journey…wait i say stylish a lot i dunno if ykwim best example i can think of is from Miss Julie where (even though it’s secondary to the dialogue at hand) while Julie tries to bargain with Christine you have Jean VISIBLE TO THE AUDIENCE in the wings of the stage sharpening his razor two hands nodding to himself as she repeats exactly the words he used to bargain with her <- THAT is style

- kinda boils down to the common thing about ensuring motivations for all of your characters, like all of them should have wants that drive them to be in places (if you flesh your guys out wholly enough this should come naturally)

- on character voices best if you can reach a point where you can basically hear them chatting at you in your head: best examples I think are like, Mercymorn from the locked tomb (crazy brilliant and bonkers voicing from muir imo), Tennessee williams plays (but they’re plays so obviously the voices are meant to be heard - i just personally haven’t seen any of them performed so i hear them 100% based on williams’ skill in writing dialogue)… no real tips on getting to this point but if you’re going for a specific brogue obviously listening to it helps. Though the point of writing fiction is ofc that it’s fiction and you can make your characters talk funnier and smarter than anyone in real life might so like: liberties, my philosophy is style over realism in the tradition of stage monologues and the like, where your characters chat in the manner you wish people around you talked all the time (STRIKE THROUGH THE MASK!!!!!)

- word count for sake of word count is your enemy if you ever catch yourself writing a scene that bores you, if it bores your reader then no ones gonna be happy. Cut it and frame it in a way that you like enough to keep in at all costs

- lowkey been trying to cut down my semicolon usage because I grudgingly see the value of Cormac Mccarthy stylistic choices but laaaaiiiikeee its hard and sometimes you need it to install a kind of half-breath in your prose - i think the middle ground I want to reach is the use of it as a luxury and not like pepper (literally searched the last chapter for my semicolon usage and its 28 like 3 per thousand words :( help)

- literally never make me read the word cishet in a serious work of writing ever. “Dysphoria” no “trans” its 50/50 “genderfuck” get out of town no “intersectional feminist” no. Okay lol this point is just me being not liking any explicit integration of the present cultural-political terminology into writing and also me being a bit bitchy about this one lgbt cult novel named after a US state if you can guess which. My view is it will always be gauche and i dont like it and it tends to prompt me to say out loud to myself My God I hate gay people

More later if i think of it but i swear ive yet to meet the writing pointer from a true sage that is gonna transform my thinking and make what im capable of transcendental

#Abt the listening to accents point i did like #specifically watching chicken shop date interviews .. that algerian fella who does jokes on tiktok … split decision EP #Legit they were right I dont listen to UK rap if it aint dave or cench #anyway MLE is literally hypnotising #last point #I promise its not like dont write trans narratives its more like if your trans narrative is didactic then just pull a long chu and write #INSUFFERABLE THEORY #Obviously i dont follow all of these all the time esp when im writing for practice and cant be bothered #subscribe at your discretion

[mlobsters]

supernatural s6e13 unforgiven (w. andrew dabb, daniel loflin)

flashback soulless!sam is just beating the shit out of this cop. grandpa. really. just gonna let that go too huh

(looks like the black desktop background is here to stay)

he looks so young in his silly little suit and bright lighting with his new(er) hair. and yes the little joke about how tall sam was endearing

DEAN And how would you... characterize their relationship?

NICOLE'S ROOMMATE Relationship? No, they weren't having a --

DEAN just the -- the -- the tone or the nature of their conversation.

NICOLE'S ROOMMATE Well... loud. And... athletic.

he went on a little face journey there

here i thought i'd seen the last of the guys having problems with the law, that particular variety of conflict stresses me out. and this time, robosam really fucked up and now our sam has to deal with it? agh

i've been reading this fic that focuses a lot more on kind of lingering effects of trauma that the guys have been through and just now watching sam have this very impassioned conversation with the lady that leads to her unlocking the cell he's in, got me thinking about like. changing gears so quickly from robosam to regular sam, i'm watching him waiting for the con. and i wonder if dean would catch himself having similar thoughts

so soulless managed to bang 5 ladies in this little town on a job. that seems... logistically challenging

(robo)SAM Well, Samuel wasn't really around when I was a kid. We have more of a, uh, business relationship.

BRENNA Uh, do you have any other family?

(robo)SAM Family just slows you down.

he was sweating after that flashback. i mean, objectively terrifying having sudden intrusive memories of an event you don't remember and with yourself being so cold and cruel.

(wiki) Sam and Samuel use the aliases "Roark and Wynand." Sam's alias (H. Roark) is a reference to the main character—Howard Roark—in Ayn Rand's novel The Fountainhead which embodied the philosophy of objectivism, where individual self-interest was held as the purpose of one's life (and so it is interesting that this is associated with soulless Sam). Samuel's alias Wynand refers to Gail Wynand, another character in the book.

oh my god that's hilarious. it is ~interesting~ supernaturalwiki 😂

i adjusted the lighting on this because it was so dark and the quality is laughable but anyway again squatting in a place with power and a janky lampshade. i liked dean's plaid, in this shot it looks more like black and white plaid which is a little bold for him (but it's more of a subdued blue in better light)

DEAN We are not the only hunters on the planet, okay? We can call Bobby. He and Rufus could come and wrap up.

he makes a good point. give bobby and rufus some quality time together

DEAN Really? You get that every time you scratch that wall, that you are playing Russian roulette?

SAM Dean, I get you're worried, okay? And I know what you think is gonna happen. But you know what? It will or it won't.

i get where dean is coming from but also sam makes a good point that it's gonna happen or not.

DEAN Sam --

SAM --look, I'm starting to think that -- that I might have done some bad stuff here, Dean. And so I don't care if it's dangerous. I have to set things right, 'cause I got a frigging soul now, and -- and it won't let me just walk away. I'm staying here. And I need you to back me

DEAN All right. Why not? Well, let's "memento" this thing, shall we?

(two memento references in as many episodes)

oh the flashbacks got even worse. using this dude as bait for the monster, which clearly went above bait to just plain food. oh, and "mercy" killing them. right. GREAT.

giggling over these weird contacts. it wasn't until after i'd been staring at them entranced for this entire speech that i realized they're probably supposed to be like. another pupil? cuz he's a spider lol 🕷️🕷️🕷️

so he's upset she ignored his sorry and went inside but i was just thinking to myself, well you got her husband killed (again) and kind of killed him (again), it's unforgivable. and then i remembered the episode title. ha ha. queuing up the unforgiven by metallica (love that album, and they totally played this at a middle school dance i attended)

did you sleep on that gross ass bed, samuel winchester

DEAN Sam, you got to understand that all that crap last year -- all of it -- none of it was you.

SAM Let's be crystal clear, okay? It was me.

DEAN Well, can I get you anything?

SAM What are you now, my waitress?

DEAN I'm just trying to make you feel better. Don't be a bitch.

SAM Yeah, I'm fine.

DEAN Yeah, you look fine. All I'm saying is everything's gonna be okay.

SAM I don't know, Dean. If I did this here, then who knows how many oth-

didn't know he was gonna have hell creep in so soon. so i guess they were like well when dean went to hell it was 40 years and we had to make it even worse by breaking his will and him enjoying torturing people. so, how can we make this even worse for sam... hmmm. not only does he get the multiplied years of torture (from what i gleaned it was a lot longer too?) but a bonus year of being a monster topside where he can suffer for feeling guilty about getting people killed etc etc. sam is totally going to win the trauma olympics

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 6x13 #robosam #he just gets worse every time we see him! gone are the days of cute banter #ayn rand shade #love to see it #andrew dabb #daniel loflin

[francesderwent]

I am still haunted by the knowledge that Jane Penderwick, sometime between the ages of ten and seventeen, read Jean Paul Sartre. Obviously she was disillusioned enough with him to later use him as an example of a writer with a small heart, but how long did she take to arrive at that conclusion?? Was she walking around the winter of her sixteenth year in black turtlenecks and berets? Was she pestering her sisters about creating their own meaning? Did she repeat dramatically such Sartreisms as “I am condemned to be free” and “Hell is other people”? Did she justify every quirk by saying that she was being authentic?

#the penderwicks in spring #the penderwicks #okay I KNOW she probably read his novels and not his philosophy #but have you read existentialist lit? they’re not subtle #cate rereads

[cosmicjoke]

No Regrets: Chapter by Chapter Analysis:

1. Preface to my analysis

Okay, so, since I’ve reached the end of every published volume of SnK so far, and have to wait until October to read the last volume, I thought I’d re-read “No Regrets” and delve into some analyzation of this story, chapter by chapter.

One thing I want to start out by saying, before I get into the details, is that I think “No Regrets” is a vital demonstration of how Levi has always cared about people, and always fought for them.

One misrepresentation I sometimes see regarding Levi’s and Erwin’s relationship is when people claim that Erwin was the one to teach Levi to fight for something bigger than himself, or to fight for others.  The thing is, “No Regrets” clearly demonstrates that Levi already had a strong foundation of caring for others, and fighting for others, before Erwin himself ever had any major influence over him, and I plan on getting into all the examples of that within the story and breaking them down.

First, though, there’s an important quote from Isayama from the joint interview he did with the artist for “No Regrets”, Hikaru Sugura, in which he says about Levi, in response to the question of how he pictured Levi’s internal feelings of going from a “thug” to a “soldier”, “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.  Underground, where it was all he could do to stay alive, he had to live for that, but then he started to form relationships and began to feel that he could do things for others.  And that’s why he first went above ground...”

This is a hugely important quote from Isayama, because he flat out says that, even before Levi came to the surface, he’d already formed bonds with people, and already began to feel like there was something bigger than himself that he could fight for, that he could “do for others”.  Isayama also says here that Underground, “It was all he could do to stay alive”, which signifies with great clarity the struggle someone would have, even someone with Levi’s great strength, of surviving and making it from one day to the next in a place like the Underground.  So, for Levi, it must have already been a terrible burden, simply trying to take care of himself, and live for himself.  But then he meets Furlan and Isabel, and he becomes friends with them, and despite the doubtless added burden to his own existence of having two other people relying so heavily on him for their own survival, he takes that burden onto himself, and does so with willingness and responsibility.  Isayama says that “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.”.  Erwin didn’t instill in Levi a sense of responsibility for others, or the idea of fighting for someone other than himself.  Levi already had that, had already DONE that.  What Erwin did for Levi was show him the path towards maximizing the impact he could have, showing him how he could use his abilities to help the MOST number of people, not just a few people.  Erwin showed Levi that he could have a significant impact on the world, that he could fight for actual, positive change for all people.  Another important part of that quote from Isayama is when he says “And that’s why he first went above ground...”, because it tells us what Levi’s initial drive and intention for going to the surface was, and that was to help give Isabel and Furlan a better life.  He trusted in Furlan’s plans, and went along with them, because it was what Furlan and Isabel had both expressed to Levi that they wanted to do and to have.  Even here, Levi is fighting for the dreams of others.  

I’ve recently read the visual novel of “No Regrets”, and while it had some good parts, it also very much underdeveloped and even at times outright misinterpreted Levi’s character in some really key ways, casting him as someone so hell bent on getting revenge on Erwin, that he is blinded to the safety of Isabel and Furlan, pressing on with his plans to kill Erwin at their expense.  The worst part about this, I thought, was how it reduced the pivotal moment in which Levi chooses to go after Erwin and leave Furlan and Isabel behind to an impulsive, snap decision, in which Levi puts no thought or real consideration into it.  He doesn’t struggle at all in choosing how he does, doesn’t agonize over what he thinks is the right choice, because in that moment, there isn’t even the consideration of another option, he isn’t even making a choice, really, just reacting, which entirely defeats the purpose of Levi’s character motif throughout the main series, which is that he can never know for sure what decision is the right one until after he chooses, but that he has to try and make one he feels is right, and that no matter what, he can’t allow himself to dwell on it with regret afterwards.  This gets corrected in the manga big time, as do several other instances of Levi’s characterization, and I’m going to go over it in more detail when I get to that final chapter.  But the choice Levi makes in the manga is much, much more nuanced, considered, and multifaceted.  Here, he had laid out in his head two, distinct options, and he weighs and balances them against one another in a high pressure situation, before deciding on the one he thinks is best.  He doesn’t just leave his friends, thinking only of Erwin and revenge.  He’s thinking of ALL of them, and of every factor leading up to that point, and that struggle for Levi is what ends up having the affect of ultimately forming his later philosophy of never allowing himself certainty in anything, but also allowing himself leniency in whatever he chooses, knowing that he can’t be so hard on himself for the outcome, whatever it may be, that he isn’t able to move on from it, or use it to keep pushing forward and learn, so that he can do better next time.  It’s important that Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” is actually presented as one made with his full consciousness, one that was a fully thought out one on his part, which is why I really disliked the way it was portrayed in the visual novel, and why I’m glad they corrected it in the manga, which is the canonically accepted version of the story either way.  Because it’s a vital moment in Levi’s character development, with him learning that even when he tries his best to choose right, even when he considers every factor and every, conceivable outcome, even when he does what he thinks, in the moment, is best, it won’t always turn out that way, it won’t always turn out good, or favorably.  He won’t always win.  He won’t always be able to save everyone.  It’s a huge moment of character growth for Levi, who makes a well thought out and considered decision, and it still results in his two, best friends getting killed.  It teaches Levi that he can never have full control of any situation, no matter how hard he tries, and that, in turn, gives Levi a kind of freedom in simple acceptance.  It lifts a burden from his shoulders, even as he experiences enormous grief and loss.  

Anyway, I’m going to be reading the first chapter of “No Regrets” later tonight, and will give my more detailed observations in a separate post.  Thanks for reading, as always guys!

2. Chapter 1: The Wings of Freedom

Okay, so here we go!  Chapter 1 of “No Regrets”!  

There’s a few things I want to point out about this chapter, because both visually and textually, we get a lot of information about the Underground and Levi, and his relationship with Isabel and Furlan.  So I’ll just go through it.

The first thing that really caught my attention for this chapter was the opening page, which is a retrospective shot of Levi after he’s joined the SC, thinking about how he can’t ever know what the results of his choices are going to be.  He says here “I trusted in my own strength... I trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned my faith...”  And this quote from Levi is really important in later understanding why he makes the choice he does, at the end.  He says he trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned his faith, and that tells us that Levi believes in Furlan and Isabel, that he believes in their strength and their capability, that he believes in them enough to let them choose for themselves and trust in their judgement.  We’ll obviously delve more into this as it becomes more relevant to the story.  But moving on...

The next thing to catch my attention is the panels of the Underground we see.  These are probably the best shots of this place we get in the whole series, as it really depicts a place that is totally run down and dilapidated, with buildings falling apart and crumbling in disrepair, filth ridden streets with literal sewage water coming out of drain pipes, and a actual cave cover overhead, complete with stalactites, blocking out all sunlight except for few and far between pockets which break through holes in the rock ceiling.  The most telling panels though are the ones which depict the violence and poverty of the place.  We see a panel of a homeless man passed out on the street, painfully thin looking, and under him, two men in a fight, one beating the other violently.  And the next panel shows us a little girl, sitting barefoot on the ground between two men who have just blown each other’s brains out with guns.  Truly, this is a violent, dark, poverty-stricken place that breeds crime and depravation.  The pages before this say that BECAUSE of the splendor of the Capital city above the Underground, this place exists, and that’s accurate.  Because of the excesses and decadence of the rich and well off above these people rejected by society, that means fewer resources for the less fortunate.  It’s truly tragic.  

Alright, now I just want to move on to some small, but telling moments here while Levi and the others are being chased by Erwin and his crew.  

When Isabel is bragging about how the MP’s never learn, referring to how they’ll never be able to catch their gang, she asks Levi if what she said was cool.  Levi tells her “Don’t be stupid.”  This might seem like Levi just blowing her off, but the way I read it, it seems more to me like Levi is warning her not to be cocky, not to be over confident, because that’s the kind of thing that can get you killed, or caught.  Big Bro indeed!   We also see how mindful Levi is here as a leader, when he tells them they can’t afford to lead the soldiers following them straight to their hideout, and clearly they have a plan in place for just this sort of thing.

More importantly, Levi is fast to realize these aren’t ordinary soldiers after them, which shows his great instincts, but what’s really interesting is his internal thoughts here.  His logic is telling him regular MP’s wouldn’t work this hard to catch them, and that their skill with the ODM means they must be SC.  But Levi doesn’t really believe it which, given what we later find out about the deal with Lobov, and Lobov warning them of Erwin’s plans, tells us that Levi never really believed the SC would come after them.  He’s clearly surprised here.

Further, after informing Isabel and Furlan and confirming his suspicions, he tells Furlan that he’s got no intention of getting mixed up with “these guys”.  This tells us Levi never wanted to go through with Furlan’s plans, never wanted to join the SC, never wanted anything to do with any of it.  There’s further evidenced in this very chapter, which I’ll get to in a moment.  But it tells us a lot about the dubious feelings Levi had from the start, and how he probably would have simply been happiest to stay in the Underground with his friends, even though it was a hard life.  

Alright, so, this next part is a big deal, and it’s an overlooked detail which speaks volumes about the kind of person Levi is.  I didn’t even notice this the first time I read it, so I want to talk about it.  Levi separates from Isabel and Furlan, and takes Erwin and Mike on a wild chase through the back alley’s and narrow passages of the slums.  He really tries to give them the run around here, until he flips over a door, into another area.  What’s really important here is Levi’s dialog.  He says first “... Lost ‘em, huh?”  And then he says, “That got a little crazy...  I hope... none of them crashed.”  This is kind of amazing.  Levi is showing actual concern for the two soldiers who’d just attempted to catch him and his friends, who were doggedly pursuing them with obviously bad intentions of some kind.  And Levi, after having to resort to some serious ODM skills to shake them, says he hopes that none of them crashed.  He doesn’t want Erwin or Mike to get hurt, he just wants to get away from them.  Considering he doesn’t know either of them at this point, they’re just nameless, faceless military dogs trying to mess things up for him, that shows remarkable character.  

Of course, things go downhill from there, when Mike crashes through the door and tackles him.  All bets are off then, because Levi’s life is now in danger, and when that happens, he’ll resort to physical force.  Still, he only throws Mike off of him and once again attempts to get away, only for it to be Erwin who swoops down and cuts Levi’s cables.  This was actually really dangerous.  Given Levi’s momentum and position, he crashes hard into a nearby wall before falling to the ground.  So we already see some of that ruthlessness from Erwin here.  Of course, that spurs Levi into violence himself.  I have no doubt that when Levi lunges for Erwin and knocks his blade away, bringing his knife to his neck, he truly intended to kill him in that moment.  Levi’s compassion for these soldiers can only go so far, considering the desperation of his own circumstances.  If Mike hadn’t been there to stop it, I think Levi probably would have ripped Erwin’s jugular right out, and that would have been that, lol.  And then, it’s important to note too WHY Levi stops.  Not because Mike was able to physically restrain him, but because he tells Levi to look around himself, directing his attention to the fact that Furlan and Isabel have been caught.  That immediately stays Levi’s hand, and once again, we’re shown how Levi puts the wellbeing of his friends above himself.  He could have ditched Furlan and Isabel right then and there and escaped on his own.  Instead, he allows himself to be restrained and cuffed.  He refuses to abandon them.

Now the next scene is hugely important to a lot of stuff.

Erwin’s got Levi and his friends down on their knees, in the sewage, questioning them about their ODM skills, and the three of them stay silent, obviously defiant.  We really get a good look at Erwin’s abilities as a manipulator here.

He’s pulling the whole good cop/bad cop routine on Levi, when he tells him “I’d like to avoid any rough treatment if I can” before looking to Mike in a clear signal for Mike to pretty damn violently tear Levi’s head back by his hair before smashing his face into the sewage on the ground.  And this really IS sewage.  It’s not mud.  If you look at the panels, we see this brown muck coming out of drain pips attached to the surrounding buildings.  This water is probably, literally, dirty with feces, and Erwin has Mike put Levi’s face in this and hold it there.  Now let’s remember something important about Levi.  He’s a clean freak.  He obviously cares deeply about keeping both himself and his environment clean.  Erwin couldn’t know this about him at the time, but nobody of course would be happy about having their face shoved into literal shit.  But for Levi, I can only imagine this had to be tantamount to a kind of torture.  Erwin keeps questioning him, looking down at him without any kind of emotion, and Levi remains stubbornly silent, despite how awful this must truly be for him.  We get a close up of Levi’s eye in one of the panels, paralleled with Erwin’s own, and Levi’s expression really strikes me as one of awful humiliation.  He goes from looking up at Erwin in rage, to looking away, staring straight ahead, while Erwin keeps looking down at him.

Still, Levi says nothing, and it’s Isabel who finally cracks, telling Erwin that they didn’t learn to use ODM from anyone, with Furlan further explaining that they taught themselves as a means of survival.  He remarks that “anyone who doesn’t know what sewage tastes like couldn’t understand!”.  Clearly, both of them are really upset to see this being done to Levi, and I have to imagine it’s at least in part because they know how awful an experience this has to be for him, given that they know how much he desires to stay clean.  Their shocked expressions when Mike first pushes Levi’s face into the sewage says as much too.

But still, Levi remains silent as Erwin then demands to know Levi’s name.  What Mike does to Levi in the next panel is even worse.  He pushes his face into the sewage and holds him there until Levi literally starts to choke in it, for long enough that, when he finally does pull him up, Levi is gasping for breath.  I really don’t see people talk enough about this scene, but, well...

It’s a torture scene.  Erwin is ordering Mike to torture Levi here.  It may not be the most extreme form of torture, it isn’t the type of physical violence we typically think of when we think of torture, but that’s what it is.  It’s causing Levi both physical and mental degradation, as well as physical distress.  

Even with this though, Levi’s still silent and refuses to answer Erwin at all.  

It’s only when Erwin literally threatens the lives of Furlan and Isabel that he finally talks.  This is such an important detail.  Levi was willing to take what to him must have been truly horrific treatment, but as soon as Erwin gives the signal to the other two Scouts who have hold of his friends, we see Levi’s expression shift from defiant rage to wide eyed fear as they put their blades to Furlan’s and Isabel’s throats.  

Finally Levi talks, calling Erwin a “bastard”, to which Erwin simply asks him again what his name is, and after a slight hesitation, Levi finally gives it.  

I think this entire scene is vital in understanding WHY Levi was so violently pissed at Erwin, to the point of wanting to kill him.

I think it’s a combination of both the humiliation and torture he puts Levi through here, and, worse still, the fact that he threatens Isabel and Furlan’s lives.  Levi already feels looked down upon by Erwin here, he already feels humiliated and embarrassed and as though he’s being treated like he’s worthless, because Erwin IS treating him like that here.  All while Erwin stands there, expressionless, making statements like he doesn’t want to have to use any rough treatment, etc... while at the same time ordering Mike to do just that.  Already, Erwin is sending Levi the message that he’s a liar and a manipulator who thinks nothing of putting another human being’s face in shit.  And then, to top that off, he shows Levi that he’s willing to hurt, maybe even kill, his two friends to get what he wants.

Is it any wonder Levi hated Erwin as much as he did at the beginning?  After a lifetime in the Underground where, from the time of his birth, he had to deal with him and those he cares about being treated like worthless trash.  It would be a miracle if Levi DIDN’T want to kill Erwin at this point.  To have to then submit to him willingly, after all of that, must have been beyond humiliating for him.

Erwin continues to be manipulative here too, when after Levi gives his name, Erwin’s attitude suddenly shifts, and he smiles at Levi and gets down on one knee with him, in the filth, his entire demeanor seeming to shift into an abruptly friendly one as he offers his deal to Levi.  Again, that whole good cop/bad cop thing.  At the same time, he continues to threaten Levi by telling him if he refuses his offer, he’ll hand them all over to the MP’s and that, given their crimes, they shouldn’t expect to be treated with any kind of decency.  What’s kind of funny about this statement from Erwin is that up until now, Erwin and Mike have done anything but treat Levi decently.

Okay, one more important point to make about this chapter, and it goes back to what I said earlier about Levi not wanting anything to do with the SC, and how that tells us Levi really didn’t want to go through with Furlan’s plans.

After Erwin makes his offer, we see Levi look over at Furlan, who’s giving him an intent look, and in the next panel, we see an almost surprised, or astonished look on Levi’s face, like he can’t believe Furlan is asking him to do this, before he grits his teeth in obvious frustration, and then accepts Erwin’s offer to join the SC.  What this tells us is that Levi only takes Erwin’s offer because Furlan wanted him to.  Because this was all part of Furlan’s plan, to go through with Lobov’s commission, to get caught by the SC, etc...  It’s clear Levi never wanted this, and he’s upset at having to do it.  But the fact he agrees after looking over at Furlan and seeing him implore Levi with his eyes tells us, once again, that Levi is willing to sacrifice his own desires for the desires of others.  That being his two friends.

For them, he’ll join the Survey Corps, even as every one of his instincts is probably screaming at him that this is a bad idea.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the first chapter of “No Regrets”.  There’s a lot more to unpack in this manga than I think people realize.  I hope whoever took the time to read my long ass post found it at least a little worth while.  I’ll be moving on to chapter two next!

3. Chapter 2: One Arrow

Alright, so onto chapter 2 of “No Regrets”.  

I want to talk a little about these opening panels, when Levi, Furlan and Isabel are being driven to HQ by carriage.  They seem unimportant, but I think they’re actually really important in understanding Levi’s psychology going into this new situation they’re all in.

We see the interior of the carriage, with Levi and the other two, along with an escort from the SC.  Furlan and Isabel are both looking out the window of the carriage, and in particular, Isabel seems incredibly excited and in awe of the passing view.  She’s stood up, with her face pressed to the window.  And in the next panel, we see her looking at a little girl with her mother, dressed nicely and holding a doll.  This really encapsulates everything Isabel herself has probably never had.  A reliable mother to take care of her, fancy clothes and toys to play with.  Essentially, an actual childhood.  We see Isabel’s face in the window, and her mouth is open in wonder, her eyes wide.  Like she can’t believe what she’s seeing.  It emphasizes the depravation and lack of privilege she’s endured all her life.  Meanwhile, by contrast, Levi sits there with his head bowed down, ignoring the passing scenery, looking deeply unhappy, even depressed.  When he does look up though, he sees Isabel looking out the window, and on the close up shot of him, he’s got an almost thoughtful expression, if still extremely dour.  No doubt, Levi is feeling uneasy and uncertain about the situation they’ve all gotten themselves into here, but I’m also sure that he’s unable to ignore the bubbling over excitement of Isabel, her obvious joy in being, at last, on the surface.  I’ll get more into this later in the post, when we see Levi really considering his friends and their dreams, and how it influences and dictates his own decisions.

But first lets talk a little about Erwin and his role in all of this.

Now at the time this series came out, Erwin’s actual, motivating reasons for doing what he does weren’t yet known, so it’s interesting to read into his actions in this story with that context.  I have no doubt that Erwin really DOES care about humanity, and wants to fight for it, and its salvation.  But as we come to learn from the main series, he places his own dream of proving his father right about the existence of human’s beyond the walls above what’s best for humanity, and it puts his actions in this story into an interesting, if harsher light.

No doubt, Erwin is a master manipulator.  He plays both sides expertly against the middle in this story, and I’ll get more into it by the end, when his actual plan is revealed to Levi.  But what I don’t see often discussed is how, exactly, Erwin got all the parts moving in the direction he wanted, to obtain a specific outcome, and how he pretty ruthlessly uses so many people as pawns to do so.  It’s obvious from the context of what we later learn in the story that Erwin first spread a rumor about having evidence against Lovof stealing funds in order to force him into tipping his hand by trying to make a preemptive move.  What I see people miss all the time, or at least, fail to discuss, is how Erwin also, at the same time, made it public knowledge within the Capital, that he would be going after a group of thugs in the Underground who had shown exceptional skill using ODM gear, and that he would be making contact with them as soon as possible to try and enlist them into military service, and how Erwin made these plans public specifically to encourage Lobov into seeking out Levi and his friends for the exact purpose of both implicating Lobov in a crime, and gaining Levi’s and his friends strength for the SC.  One, by hiring a group of criminals to steal from Erwin and attempt to assassinate him, so he could use that as leverage in case he wasn’t able to obtain proof of Lobov’s further criminal activities, thus having two means of getting rid of one of the SC’s biggest threats, and at the same time, also manage to score for the SC the exceptional skill of Levi and his friends through forced enlistment.  He even says to Zackely at one point “I intend to make use of anyone who has even the smallest potential during this expedition.”.  Erwin manipulated and had control of this entire scenario from the start, and from behind these scenes moved all of these people exactly how he wanted to, to achieve his goals.  That’s pretty impressive, but also pretty scary.  Well, I’ll talk more about all of that when we get to it later on.

Back to Levi and his friends though.

We see them arrive at the SC HQ, and a really important conversation happens between Levi and Furlan.  

Furlan seems like he’s almost bitten off more than he can chew here, beginning to express his concern to Levi about what joining the SC actually means, before Levi cuts him off, telling him he’s got no intention of enlisting, and that he only agreed to come along so that he could get closer to Erwin and then kill him.  I think Levi genuinely felt murderous towards Erwin at this point, and really means what he says here, at least about killing him.  Though given the end of chapter 1, with the significant look shared between Levi and Furlan, and Levi’s begrudging acceptance of Erwin’s offer, it’s obvious that Levi also agreed to come because that’s what Furlan wanted him to do, to give them the opportunity they needed.  Levi’s just feeling incredibly emotional here, I think, with the way Erwin treated all of them hot on his mind.  Furlan tries to implore Levi to forget about killing Erwin, that it isn’t necessary anymore because of his own plan, and the almost certainty that Lobov and his people won’t ever try to make contact with them again.  He tells Levi, if he just listens to him and follows his plan, “I know it’ll work.  Trust me, Levi.”  Furlan asking him to trust him pulls a meaningful look from Levi, seeming to break through Levi’s angry insistence on killing Erwin.  This is where the manga improved on Levi’s characterization and motivation by leaps and bounds over the visual novel, because in the next few panels, we see Levi walking away, with Furlan calling after him, concerned, but we get to see Levi’s inner thoughts, and he’s remembering specifically Furlan insisting to him that “one day, we’ll get outta this trash heap and live up above.”  We see Levi thinking about Furlan’s hopes and dreams in these panels, and he has a saddened, and guilt-ridden look on his face, like he feels bad about having dismissed Furlan’s plans back there in favor of his own plans for revenge.  We didn’t get any of this in the visual novel, instead the text there making Levi look like he refused to consider anyones position but his own in this whole situation.  But here, Levi is clearly concerned with and considering Furlan’s desires.  

We go into a flashback then, with Furlan explaining to Levi his plans, telling him that “nothing’s gone according to plan... But with you here we’ll really be able to raise hell.”  Furlan’s trying to explain to Levi that since he now has Levi’s strength to rely on, they can actually get something done once they get into the Survey Corps.  It almost seems like Furlan’s been planning on trying something like this, or at least, had some sort of loose plan about getting to the surface, even before he met Levi.  It’s obviously something he’s been dreaming about for a long time.

Then Isabel comes back, and she’s been roughed up and assaulted, and we learn from Furlan asking her if she went to see those “low-life scumbags again?” that this has obviously happened to her before, that she’s been associating with some bad people and it’s gotten her hurt.  She denies it and lies about having just tripped, but clearly neither Levi or Furlan are buying that.  Levi asks Isabel what happened to her hair, and Isabel reacts badly, running away and hiding in her room.  We get a close up of Levi holding a knife in his hands, foreshadowing his own intentions.  Later that night, Furlan hears Isabel crying in her room, and her chanting to herself over and over that she’s going to “kill you”, presumably meaning the men that hurt her earlier.  Furlan stands there lamenting that he thinks both Levi and Isabel are going “mad”, and that all they can think about is dragging everyone else down to where they are.  He’s obviously terrified that he’s going to lose both his friends to the savagery and ruthlessness of the Underground, that both of them are going to end up becoming lost to their own anger and pain.  He starts to say “That’s why I...” before Levi suddenly comes back in, holding a bloody knife, clearly having returned from exacting revenge on the men who hurt Isabel.  Furlan asks Levi “Did you kill them...?”, and Levi doesn’t answer, but we see a completely resigned, even sad look on his face.  This of course is the world Levi comes from.  It’s the world he was raised in.  A world of kill or be killed.  Levi must have figured, if he didn’t go out and kill those men that had hurt Isabel now, then someday, they would end up going too far with her, and kill her instead.  But Furlan clearly doesn’t understand, and doesn’t relate to that kind of mindset, despite coming from the Underground too.  Of course, Furlan wasn’t raised by Kenny the Ripper either.  This is how Levi was taught to deal with his problems, and Furlan can only see him spiraling into an abyss from which he fears Levi won’t return.

We cut back to the present then, and Levi is sitting up on the roof of the SC HQ, again remembering Furlan’s words about “This is our chance.  Trust me.”.  Getting to the surface and finding better lives for themselves is Furlan’s dream.  The fact that Levi keeps remembering it, keeps remembering Furlan insisting and pushing the idea of the possibility of living on the surface, shows that this is probably something he would talk about all the time with Levi, trying to get him to agree to it, to believe in it.  Once again, Levi is contemplating the hopes and dreams of his friends.  We get another close up of him holding a knife, and it represents, I think, his struggle between his desire for revenge against Erwin, and his desire to help Furlan realize what, to Levi, is probably an unrealistic goal.

We then get Furlan and Isabel joining Levi, commenting on how beautiful the night sky is, and asking Levi how he could keep it to himself.  Levi snips testily at Furlan that him and Isabel are so loud, that he’d be too irritated to get any killing done, and then Furlan looking clearly unsettled by the remark.  But it’s obvious, given the context of the previous panels of Levi’s thinking about Furlan’s dream, that Levi is just being peevish and saying things out of frustration and confusion.  He doesn’t really mean what he says here.  He’s taking his frustration out on Furlan by saying what he knows will upset him the most.  What this also tells us is that Levi is very much aware of how bothered Furlan is by Levi’s willingness to kill.  He isn’t at all oblivious to it, and given his resigned, saddened expression after coming back from killing the men who assaulted Isabel, I would say Levi even understands Furlan’s dismay.  That’s a glimpse at Levi’s famous compassion.

The next panels show the three of them bonding, sitting together and admiring the night sky.  Isabel asks Levi if the stars are as pretty as where he used to live.  I’m just going to chalk the mistake in continuity here up to this manga coming out before, I believe, Levi’s backstory of being born in a brothel in the Underground was established by Isayama.  Regardless of this mistake, this is an important moment between the three of them.  You can see the awe and wonder they all feel, looking up and seeing the sky fully for what has to be the first time in all their lives.  Remember, all three of them have lived literally underground their entire lives, with little to no sunlight, stagnant, stale air, hideously unclean living conditions, etc...  It must be overwhelming to them , just to see nature in all its splendor like that.  It’s after sharing this moment together that Levi tells Furlan that he’s decided he won’t kill Erwin for now.  He looks at him and says “I’m going to trust you.”.  And Furlan smiles at him, clearly happy and relieved.  This scene is really important, because we’re seeing Levi choose Furlan’s dream over his own desire for revenge.  We see Levi place Furlan’s desires over his own, which is totally in line with how Levi is in the main AoT storyline.  He decides his revenge can wait, that it’s not as important as helping Furlan achieve his goals.  What’s particularly remarkable about this, I think, is that it doesn’t appear that Levi ever dreamed of going to the surface himself, and likely that he never even considered it a possibility.  So just like Levi fights, later on, for a world without fear and violence, for humanity’s salvation, even as all his life experiences tell him it likely isn’t possible, we see the Levi doing the same here, deciding to fight for his friend’s dream, even as to him, it seems unrealistic.  It’s obviously a pivotal moment too, when Levi tells him he’s going to trust him, because this ties in hugely with the theme which applies so much to Levi throughout the whole series, of never knowing if it’s better to rely on himself solely, to trust himself, or to trust and rely on his friends and their capabilities.  Levi chooses, here, to trust in his friends, and that will obviously have it’s own ramifications down the line.  Again, this is an area in which the manga improves radically over the visual novel, which had no instances whatsoever of Levi struggling with the question of the choices we make, which is absurd, since it’s one of the driving factors behind who Levi is, and how he ultimately came to see the world as he does.  It was precisely this struggle between choices, between trying to choose correctly, giving so much thought and effort to our choices, and still sometimes coming out wrong, that shaped Levi into being able to accept his lack of control and instead of regretting it, using it to keep fighting.  

4. Chapter 3: ... Of Revolution

Okay, so on to chapter 3 of “No Regrets”!

I’ve got a few observations, so I’ll just delve in.

First thing, and once again, I found this a huge improvement over the visual novel, but we get more insight here into the reason Erwin was so intent on recruiting Levi.  During the scene in which he’s arguing with the other squad leaders about letting a group of “criminals” into their organization, Erwin pushes back against the other scouts deriding Levi and his friends.  I really loved Erwin’s line here, where he says “You’re right.  These people had no training.  They did not earn wings from us.  They grew their own, out of necessity.”  This shows us that Erwin has a grasp and an appreciation for the hardship Levi and his friends faced while growing up, while most of the other SC leaders and even regular recruits can only look down on them and see them as gutter trash.  This shows Erwin’s own scope of vision, his ability to look past a person’s upbringing and background and not make judgments about them based on that.  More telling still is his comment about how “those wings will play a part in revolutionizing this organization.”.  He wanted Levi’s skills in particular because he knew having someone like Levi around, with exceptional ability, would shift the way they all fight Titans.  He was, as always, looking for ways to increase the effectiveness of the SC, and was willing to do whatever he could, and through any means necessary, to ensure it.  

The next thing that caught my attention is the glare Levi and Erwin share during the trio’s introduction to the rest of the soldiers.  Erwin’s right in front of Levi, standing there, reminding him of his anger and humiliation no doubt, and I think that leads directly into and impacts the next scene, when Flagon shows them their sleeping arrangements.  Levi’s already no doubt irritated by having to see Erwin again, and then Flagon makes his frankly deeply disparaging remark about Levi and his friends having spent their whole lives living in a trash heap, implying that they’re filthy gutter trash, and so surely are incapable of keeping themselves and their environment clean.  Levi, understandably, reacts badly to this, and gets in Flagon’s face, asking him what he just said, before Furlan intervenes.  When you consider the way Erwin already made Levi feel so humiliated and Levi’s subsequent anger at it, then having to see Erwin again not long before this scene, and hearing Flagon just callously make an accusation like that must have only infuriated Levi more.  I think, once again, the manga is doing an infinitely better job of portraying the tension, then, that’s starting to form between Levi and Furlan.  Furlan scolds Levi after Flagon leaves, almost talking down to him when he says “Didn’t I tell you not to cause trouble?!”.  Almost like he’s talking to some misbehaving little kid.  Levi’s expression in the following panel says a lot, I think.  Levi looks almost chastised, like he knows he’s upset Furlan, before he tries to explain himself, asking Furlan “Didn’t you hear how he talked about us?  Like shit calling shit dirty.”.  It’s really interesting what this says about the power dynamic in their relationship.  Levi is ostensibly the leader of their group, but Furlan’s acting, in a lot of ways, like he’s the one in charge and he expects Levi to fall in line.  Clearly, he’s not afraid of scolding Levi, or challenging him.  All of Furlan’s insistence that they lay low and not do anything to draw attention to themselves must only be chaffing though at Levi’s already heated feelings about the kind of treatment they’re receiving, how they’re being talked down to, etc...  It must be galling to him, to see Furlan not seeming to care that they’re all being so deeply disrespected.  But he still continues to defer to Furlan, and agree to go along with his plan for now, though he makes his displeasure known by calling it a pain in the ass.

But seeing Erwin, and then being treated the way they were by Flagon, seems to have rekindled Levi’s desire to take his revenge, and he reminds Furlan that he’ll continue to go along with his plan, but that he’s still going to kill Erwin.  Once again, we see Levi being pulled in two different directions.  He’s giving priority to Furlan’s plans and wishes, but he’s still thinking about getting Erwin back.  He’s annoyed that they weren’t assigned to Erwin’s squad, probably because it means it’s going to limit their contact, giving him less opportunities to kill him.  Another line that I think signifies Lev’s annoyance at Furlan and how, well, dismissive he is of Levi’s own feelings, is after he tells them they have to clean the area around their beds before leaving for training, and in response to Isabel’s protests, he says “You wouldn’t want me to cause trouble, would you?”.  He’s throwing Furlan’s words back in his face here, and it seems clear to me that Levi is frustrated and doesn’t appreciate the way Furlan’s been talking to him, or how little consideration for his own wishes he’s shown.  There’s a lot of tension there.

Another really important scene is the one in the training yard, so I’ll got through it here.

Particularly when Isabel is talking to the Scout helping her with horse riding, and they get to talking about life in the Underground, and then Levi.  What Isabel says, and the visual of the panel here, is particularly powerful.  She says “It got so I thought I was gonna die.  But life’s a little better since Levi saved me from that.”.  And we see in the panel Levi lifting Isabels’ head up, obviously checking if she’s alive.  There’s all these people, collapsed around her, and the fact that Levi is checking to see if she’s alive is interesting, because it makes me think this is something Levi would regularly do.  That he would check to see if anyone was alive when he came across people collapsed in the streets.  It’s probably not unusual to come across dead bodies in the Underground, and for someone like Levi, who’s lived there all his life, he’s no doubt seen plenty.  The fact he checks Isabel shows a lack of callousness towards the sight, which is incredible, to not become uncaring or apathetic towards suffering, even when you’re surrounded by it your whole life.  It’s a highly unusual quality to have, but of course, it makes perfect sense for Levi, who’s so full of compassion.  

Nevertheless, it would have been simpler for him to just keep moving and ignore her, but instead he stopped, and when he discovered she was still alive, he took her in and gave her food and shelter and a home.  She would have died otherwise.  Levi had no obligation towards her, he had no, really good reason to do something so selfless, and yet, he did.  And this truly is remarkable, especially when you consider the kind of cut throat world Levi grew up in, the kind of ruthless people he’d encountered, and even lived with, like Kenny, all his life.

Then there’s Furlan’s discussion with another soldier, and his story about Levi.  The most interesting thing Furlan says here is how, after his own friends turned on him, he’s followed Levi ever since.  And then he says “Though it might be problematic making him any kind of leader!”.  It’s interesting what this reveals to us about Levi.  People want to follow him because he’s so strong, but Levi himself has no desire for power, or control over others.  People willingly attach themselves to him, because they think Levi can protect them, but Levi isn’t any kind of natural leader.  So we know Levi was more or less forced into the role of leader by way of others seeking him out and assigning him that role.  What’s interesting about this is how it, once again, reveals the kind of person Levi is.  He could easily have rejected all of these people and abandoned them.  One thing we know is that Levi didn’t need any help surviving on his own in the Underground.  But instead Levi allows them to stay with him and willingly offers his help and protection, and though it’s probably more of a pain and a nuisance to him than anything else.  It shows that Levi’s never been able to turn away from those seeking his help.

Which leads nicely into the next scene.  

I’ve talked about this scene before, and how disappointed I was that they didn’t include it in the OVA.  This also wasn’t included in the visual novel, which is, once more, just another way in which the manga is superior.  

Flagon is once again criticizing Levi for holding his blades “wrong”, telling him he’s going to end up getting killed outside the walls.  And then the training exercise begins, and we see one of the other soldiers trying to compete with Levi, and growing increasingly incensed and annoyed at Levi’s prowess.  He thinks “These vagrants with no knowledge as soldiers...” and then “I trained half to death, and these criminals think they’re better?!”.  What’s interesting is to see that while this soldier is fuming internally over Levi’s perceived slight of him, glaring at him angrily, Levi clearly hasn’t even taken notice of him.  This isn’t a competition to Levi at all.  He’s just there to do the exercises.  He’s staring straight ahead, blank faced as always.  

Now what happens next is once more hugely revealing as to Levi’s character.  The infuriated soldier decides he’s not going to accept that Levi’s better than him, and so he intentionally pushes off of a tree and cuts Levi off mid-flight. What struck me about this is how incredibly dangerous it was.  Levi’s going, presumably, full speed, through this obstacle course, and this dude, out of petty jealousy, cuts him off by flying right in front of and past him, forcing Levi to pull back and change direction.  A stunt like this could have easily resulted in serious injury for Levi, or even death, if he weren’t as gifted as he is.  To top it off, this soldier then brags about it, calling out to Levi “Don’t get left behind!”.  Of course, his arrogance leads to immediate disaster, as the soldier that went through the course before lost one of their blades in the dummy Titan, and this dude’s flying towards it at top speed, with no way to stop himself or change direction in time.  He’s about to be impaled by a blade.  Considering the danger he’s just placed Levi in, then, it truly is a testament to Levi’s goodness, that he launches off the tree he’s stopped on, racing ahead and slicing the stray blade free before the other soldier can make contact, resulting in him harmlessly crashing into the pad, instead of dying.  This really shows how Levi’s first instinct is always to help others.  Even when others have just not only treated him badly, but even endangered his life.  He doesn’t owe this soldier anything, and by all rights should be extremely pissed at him for his petty display before.  But instead Levi just automatically reacts to his life being threatened by saving the man.  He doesn’t even scold him afterward or express anger, just flies off and continues the course.  

What makes this whole thing kind of sad is both the soldier’s and Flagon’s reaction to this.  The soldier is still angry and upset over Levi’s superior ability, wondering how he can be so fast, not even sparring a thought of appreciation for him just saving his life.  And then Flagon grudgingly admits to Levi’s fighting prowess, but continues to doubt him and his ability to stay disciplined.  Even after saving one of his own men’s lives, he still continues to look down on Levi.  That’s pretty messed up. Levi glares back at him after, as if to say “Who’s the one who’s going to get people killed out there?”.  Levi saved a soldiers life, while Flagon could only sit and watch.  It’s interesting too how this, tragically, foreshadows what’s to come though, with Levi not being able to save the people he cares the most about.  But we’ll get into that when we get there.

Also, just gotta mention also the way Levi reacts to Isabel’s getting upset after he bonks her in the head and calls her stupid.  He looks surprised when she starts crying, and it’s clear he didn’t mean to actually hurt her feelings, and it’s just really sweet, the way he rubs her head after.  He obviously felt bad.

5. Chapter 4: Proof

Alright, just a few things to say about chapter 4 of “No Regrets”.  

One thing that I love that was in the manga that, once again, wasn’t in the visual novel, was Levi’s reaction as they ride out from Shinganshina, as well as Furlan’s and Isabel’s.  This kind of internal exploration of these characters who had never been to the surface, who had spent their whole lives in darkness, getting to see the sky for the first time, was something that was entirely absent from the visual novel, and it’s one of its biggest weaknesses.  But here, we see Levi looking up at the stone structure of the wall gate, and for a moment, he imagines the ceiling of the Underground, before they emerge out into the open and the full view of the sky appears for the first time.  Levi squints up at the glaring sun, and we see an expression of genuine awe and amazement on his face, as well as Furlan and Isabel.  This is the first time any of them have experienced anything like this, and the overwhelming beauty of it for them is wonderfully visualized here.  The way Levi goes from seeing the claustrophobia and imprisonment of the Underground, and how that opens up into a clear, blue, ending sky, really symbolizes him experiencing for the first time in his life a kind of freedom he’s never before had.  And there’s something incredibly moving, but also incredibly tragic about that.

Now another point I want to address, where the manga and anime both differ from the visual novel, in a really vital way, is how here, we see Furlan lamenting that they’ve left the walls, saying “This is terrible.  I never meant to leave the walls.  If we’d followed the plan, we would have grabbed them and snuck away by now!”.  This shows that they’ve been looking for the documents in vain for several months now, and still have yet to find them.  Furlan’s plan had obviously originally been to find them and then get out of dodge, but because they weren’t able, they ended up having to wait around longer, until the time came for the expedition.  Now how this is presented in the visual novel really struck me as horrifically out of character for Levi.  In the novel, it’s explained that the reason they haven’t left is because Levi kept insisting that he had to kill Erwin, refusing to leave until he could do so, and if not for that, Furlan would have forgotten about the documents and simply had them all desert the SC, back to the Underground.   Levi intentionally ignoring the safety of his friends for revenge on Erwin really goes against everything we know about him from canon, and was a pretty glaring detail, so I’m glad they nixed that here.  There’s no mention of Levi forcing them to stay because of his need for revenge, but rather an implication that none of them were willing to leave until they got the documents.  They took this a step further in the OVA even, with that one scene in which Levi argues with Furlan and Isabel, insisting that if it comes to them having to leave the walls, he’s going to go alone, and he wants them to stay behind.  This really is an important distinction to make in Levi’s characterization.  We know he always places the safety of his comrades above all else, if he can, and tries his best to keep them alive.  And the whole reason he agreed to Furlan’s plan in the first place was because he wanted to help Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream of living up above come true.  He would never purposefully endanger their lives, or so thoughtlessly dismiss their safety.  This is something which gets further corrected later in the story, too, when Levi makes his fateful choice, and I’ll get more into it there as well.  One detail though is how Levi tells Furlan not to worry, that he’ll “do something about the Titans.”.  Levi clearly believes in his own strength, and believes it will be enough to protect his friends at this point, which goes back to the theme of him struggling to know which is better to rely on, oneself, or ones comrades.  Here, he’s relying on himself to protect them.  He asks Furlan “Don’t you trust me?”.  He’s reminding Furlan that he’s never let him down before, and he promises he won’t now either.  

We see Furlan later finding that full trust again, when Levi engages with the abnormal titan, and sees his fearlessness, giving him his own strength to fight.  It speaks volumes about the kind of camaraderie shared between all three of them, that they’re able to work so smoothly and effectively together the first time any of them have ever fought a Titan, and how deeply Furlan and Isabel trust Levi to get them through any dangerous situation, as they willingly follow him into battle.

6. Chapter 5: Hearts

Alright, onto chapter 5 of “No Regrets” and then I’ll do the last three chapters tomorrow.

The first thing I took note of was how after everyone gets to the castle ruins, Levi reminds Furlan and Isabel that they’re still outside the walls, and that anything could happen, so they should “stay sharp.”.  Once again we see Levi being concerned with the safety of his friends, remind them not to put their guards down.  This leads into the next scene, where Furlan remarks that he never thought they’d be able to stop a titan so easily, and reaffirms his faith in Levi’s strength by saying as long as Levi’s with them, they’ll survive somehow.  Levi responds to this with some self-doubt, which is really interesting and will tie into some other observations I’ve made about this chapter, later on.  He says if there’s more than one of those abnormal titans, he’s not so sure they’ll be alright.  Clearly, he’s concerned for the wellbeing of his friends while they’re on the outside like this.  He doesn’t feel totally confident.

He then asks Furlan if he’s sure Erwin’s brought the documents with him outside the Walls, which tells us that they’ve obviously had previous discussions about this, that it was a group decision between them, of the necessity of leaving the walls in order to get close enough to Erwin to get the papers.  Furlan says he made sure, talking about how he searched Erwin’s office top to bottom, observing that he found a bunch of unrelated documents, and in particular, a locked drawer which he found suspicious.  Now what I find interesting here is Furlan’s internal thoughts, because I think he realized Erwin’s intentions already, but he dismissed his suspicions based on them seeming unlikely to him.  But in his memory, he thinks, when he sees the locked drawer, that it’s almost like it was made to be searched, and upon opening it, he finds plenty of secret looking documents, but not the ones they need. He then wonders if Erwin is trying to tell him that they’re not there.  What’s so interesting about this is just how deep is shows Erwin’s manipulation of this situation actually goes, and how many steps ahead he actually is. We saw in chapter 3 how Erwin was standing at his office window, observing Furlan, which tells us that he was always aware that Furlan was going to try and find the documents, which in turn lead to Erwin arranging his office to nudge Furlan in the right direction, of thinking the documents aren’t anywhere at HQ.  Furlan picks up on this possibility, that Erwin is in fact manipulating them, wondering to himself if Erwin WANTS him to think he has the papers on him, giving him the “run around”, but he dismisses the thought out of hand a moment later.  What this tells me is just how in control Erwin is here, and it made me think that it’s possible Erwin influenced Furlan’s thinking in this direction, to assuming Erwin had the papers with him, as a means of keeping him, Levi and Isabel there in the military longer, delaying their escape, so that he could intentionally force them outside the walls on an expedition, so he could see what they were actually capable of.  At the end of chapter 4, after seeing Levi take down that abnormal titan, he observes to himself, “So your wings are the real thing, after all, Levi.”.  This is just speculation on my part, but given what a masterful manipulator Erwin really is, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was his plan the whole time, knowing Levi and his friends wouldn’t and couldn’t leave until they had the documents.

Alright, next observation. It’s kind of funny how, after laying out his plan to search Erwin’s bags with Isabel, and asking Levi to guard the passageway Erwin went down with Shadis, and to stop him if he started to come back before they were finished, Levi’s first assumption is that he should start a fight with Erwin, lol.

More interesting is when Furlan says to Levi “Don’t kill him, even by accident.  After all, if we lose an officer outside the walls, we’ll be in trouble, too.”.  Because it tells us that they weren’t ever planning on killing Erwin outside of the walls when they went out on expedition.  The goal was to try and find the documents, and hoping going beyond the walls would yield an opportunity to do so.  This is another, vital change from the visual novel.  In that, Levi is still obsessing over killing Erwin, over any consideration for the original plan, ranting even that he’s going to make Erwin get down on his knees and beg for his life before killing him, and that just struck me as wildly out of character for him.  They wisely took out that entire piece of dialog here, and instead we lead into a scene of Levi guarding the passageway, and remembering the whole reason for why he agreed to come to the surface in the first place. We go into a flashback of Lovof’s messenger making contact with Levi and the others, propositioning them with Lovof’s commission.  What’s really important in this scene is Levi’s initial reaction to the proposal. He’s immediately skeptical and disbelieving, and doesn’t want anything to do with it.  He tells the messenger so, and tells him “Go back up there and I’ll pretend I didn’t hear anything.”.  Levi shows great instincts here, sensing the danger present for him and his friends, and outright rejects any association.  It’s Furlan, then, who steps in and shows interest in the deal, calling the messenger back.  Levi’s clearly confused, but yields to Furlan’s look, and Furlan proceeds to tell the messenger that they’ll have to think about it, but that they’re interested. Levi’s clearly not happy about this, and once the messenger leaves, he begins to protest, but Furlan cuts him off and starts to lay out his plan to tail the messenger to find out who his employer is.  Isabel expresses disbelief that Furlan actually means to go through with this plan, and Furlan again brings up the dream of making it out of the Underground, talking about how rare a chance it is, to actually live in the Capital, obviously trying to entice both Levi and Isabel with the notion.  Levi points out that even if they get the documents, it’ll just lead to them being Lovof’s next targets, and Furlan responds with his plan to blackmail Lovof instead.  Levi’s still dubious on this idea, asking Furlan if he really thinks “those pigs will care about a threat from the Underground?”, and Furlan responds that it’s worth a shot.  He then implores Levi and Isabel again, saying “Come on, you two, don’t you want to make it up there?”, and we cut back to Levi in the present, contemplating Furlan’s words.  Again, we see Levi thinking long and hard on Furlan’s dreams here, over any thoughts he has of Erwin or revenge.  He’s prioritizing Furlan’s wishes over his own still, thoughts occupied by what his friend wants.

Now, this leads into a really interesting and meaningful encounter with Erwin.

Well, the first thing I notice in the exchange is when Erwin calls Levi’s friends his “subordinates”, and Levi responds with “They’re not my subordinates…”.  This tells us so much about how he views himself in relation to Furlan and Isabel.  He doesn’t see himself as their leader.  He doesn’t want to control them.  He just sees himself as their friend, and protector.

Now the conversation between Levi and Erwin gets really interesting when Erwin starts talking about having seen Levi take down the abnormal titan from earlier, and he observes that with a natural like Levi around, the others must feel safer.  Levi looks at Erwin with wide eyes, before responding to him that the reason he was able to figure out how to fight that titan before was because he watched how it moved as it ate another soldier.  I think Levi’s feelings of guilt here are pretty obvious.  He feels bad for having watched another soldier die, and using his observations while watching to figure out how to kill the titan.  It’s like he’s arguing with Erwin here, telling him the others shouldn’t feel safer with him around, that they shouldn’t rely on him.  Levi is showing doubt in himself here, again, just like earlier when he pushed back again Furlan’s claims that as long as he’s with them, they’ll be safe.  Interestingly, it’s Erwin who essentially tells Levi here that he shouldn’t feel guilty, that the SC is built on those types of sacrifices, and that as long as they’re fighting to take back the world for humanity, none of the soldiers there would feel regret for dedicating themselves to such a cause.   I think this is actually the start of the turning point in how Levi views Erwin.  He looks at him here with an almost astonished expression, like he’s seeing Erwin in a sudden, new light.  Like he’s starting to doubt his own, initial impressions of him, and wonder if maybe he wasn’t totally right.  But before he can think on it further, Isabel shows up and calls him away.

Levi then learns that Furlan and Isabel weren’t able to find the documents, essentially confirming that if they’re anywhere, they have to be on Erwin’s person, which leads to the inevitability of having to kill him if they want to get their hands on the papers. Levi’s find with this, because it’s what he wants to do anyway, even as Furlan shows continued apprehension.

And then we get the scene with Hange.

It’s pretty funny that Levi was about to gut Hange, for real, when he thought she had overheard their conversation.  It tells us how far he’s willing to go though to protect his friends.

Still, this whole scene is actually pretty moving, in its way.  Because Hange is really the first person to express genuine gratitude towards Levi and his friends, and treat them as genuine equals, to which we see Isabel in particular respond after seemingly being unimpressed.   Even Levi seems stunned, muttering out “thanks”, like he doesn’t know what else to say as Hange heaps praise on them.  It’s also funny how Furlan has to remind Levi to “be nice.”.  Poor Levi just doesn’t know how to socialize.

But the important part of this scene is when Hange points out how everyone there is wanting to know how Levi was able to take down a titan so easily, drawing their attention, and Levi’s in particular, to the other soldiers watching them.  Hange affirms what Erwin had said to Levi earlier, about how his presence there made the others feel safer, when she says “You’ve given them hope that humans don’t have to lose to the titans if we fight correctly.”. And we see here, I think, the first seeds being planted in Levi’s mind that he might be able to do more, that he might be able to actually help these people.  He’s been told as much twice in quick succession.  I think this is where Levi starts to get the idea for the first time that he might have found somewhere where he belongs.  We’ll get more into this next chapter, when I talk about his conversation with Isabel.  But for now, after Hange asks him again if he has any advice, he tells them he just has his own way of doing things, and he can’t teach it to anybody.  When she tries to insist, he blows her off and looks away.  

Furlan asks Levi, after Hange leaves, what the big deal is in just showing them some simple trick, and Levi says he doesn’t want to be responsible for the loves of anyone other than you two.  This is really important, because it again tells us a lot about Levi’s psychology here. He doesn’t want to teach these people how to fight because he doesn’t want to be responsible for them getting hurt or killed.  Just as he expressed discomfort earlier with what Erwin said, and his own sense of guilt over how he figured out how to fight the titan, Levi really seems to me like he’s afraid here of failing to protect others, and actually harbors deep doubts about his own ability to do so.  So even as we know people tend to flock around Levi and follow him in the belief he can protect them, Levi himself is afraid that he isn’t strong enough to help them the way they want him to.  It’s indicative of someone who’s experienced deep loss in their life, which we know Levi has at this point.  Someone who’s afraid of making attachments because he doesn’t want to have to experience the pain of that loss ever again.  And it shows a painful insecurity in Levi.  He wants to help people, but he doesn’t want to end up failing them, or doing something which could lead to them getting hurt or killed.  He doesn’t want to be responsible for their lives, because he’s afraid he can’t be.  

Furlan tells him not to be so dramatic, and Levi doesn’t say anything in return, but we see a resigned, saddened look on his face, like he knows Furlan wouldn’t understand if he tried to explain how he feels.

Then we get Isabel’s comment about not understanding trying to take back the world for humanity, but her starting to realize the Scouts genuinely believe in what they’re doing. We see Levi’s silence again in response, but this one is more contemplative.  He himself is starting to realize the same as Isabel.  That these people really believe in what they’re saying.  And again we go back to the first seeds of a sense of belonging starting to develop in Levi, even before his big moment with Erwin at the end.  He’s starting to sense that maybe he’s found a place where he belongs, where he can actually use his abilities in a way that could make an actual difference in the world. It’s subconscious at this point, but Levi is starting to get that sense I think.

7. Chapter 6: Living Creatures

Okay, onto chapter 6 of “No Regrets”!

So the first thing I want to jump into here is, once again, something which the manga vastly improved on over the visual novel, and that was the scene following the flashback to Levi and his friends learning about the long-distance scouting formation before the expedition, and then Flagon’s instructions to them in the present.  I don’t think this scene was even included in the visual novel, but it’s indispensable in understanding Levi’s mindset going into the fateful final act.

Isabel gets carried away by Flagon’s speech, and ends up saluting, expressing genuine enthusiasm for the SC’s cause, before realizing what she’s done and turning around, seeing Levi and Furlan looking back at her in silence.  Furlan looks unimpressed, while Levi wears his usual stoic expression. You can’t tell one way or the other what he’s thinking, which is why the next scene is so hugely important, because we get a look into his inner thoughts.

I saw another person say not long ago that in this scene, Isabel expresses a desire to join the SC, and Levi blows her off and ignores her, only thinking about his revenge on Erwin, and to that person, I would like to ask ‘What scene were you reading?’, because that’s pretty much the opposite of what happens here.  This scene reveals so much about Levi’s own, inner conflict, and how he��s beginning HIMSELF to understand and even sympathize with the cause of the SC, and the soldiers who have dedicated themselves to it.  Let’s dissect it here a bit.

The scene takes place at night, before they ride out again, and Levi is sitting up with Furlan and Isabel, and he’s thinking quietly to himself.  The first thing he’s recalling in his contemplation here is Sairam’s words, asking Levi if he knows how many elite soldiers have been eaten by Titans. This plainly shows Levi’s growing concern for Furlan and Isabel.  The longer they spend outside the walls, the higher the risk of something going wrong, and that’s a worry that’s heavy on Levi’s mind here.

He then remembers, in quick succession, all these various interactions and the words of different people throughout his short time up here on the surface.  He recalls Sairam hurling insults at him and his friends, calling them punks, and then Hange’s opposite words of encouragement and appreciation, telling them they’ve given everyone hope.  He recalls Furlan’s words, telling Levi that with him there, they’ll really be able to raise hell, and then Isabel’s words, pointing out that the SC soldiers really believe their cause is worth dying for.  Finally, Levi recalls Flagon’s degrading words, about how Levi and his friends have spent their whole lives in a trash heap, implying they’ll never amount to anything more than garbage, and last, he recalls Erwin’s words, how he’d seen the desire to kill in Levi during their first encounter.  

All of this is hugely important to understanding Levi’s psychology, I think, and understanding his feelings of conflict and confusion, and how it ultimately plays into him making the choice he does.  For Sairam’s and Flagon’s words, it’s the assumption people have made about Levi all his life, that he’s nothing but a worthless criminal who can’t do anything good for anyone, and Levi’s struggle to overcome that perception that people have of him.  In contrast to that, Hange’s words are sending Levi the opposite message, that he isn’t just a worthless criminal, but someone who can actually contribute something positive and important to other people’s lives.  He’s someone who can inspire hope.  Something Levi’s always secretly wished he could do.  And then there’s Furlan’s words, serving as a confirmation to Hange’s, in which he expresses his reliance on Levi to help make his own dreams come true, and Levi seeing himself in that role, of taking care of these two people whom he loves.  And there’s Isabel’s words, a clear admiration and astonishment at the realization that these soldiers really believe in a cause bigger than themselves.

We see all of Levi’s greater hopes, his desire and wish to help other people, coming into conflict here with the way he’s been treated all his life by others, as a worthless, good for nothing criminal, and how that treatment has forced him to become the very thing they accuse him of being, someone ready and willing to kill, someone ready to commit crimes, etc…  It’s Levi’s pride and anger battling with his deeper desire to protect and help others. The thing his life and his environment has FORCED him to become, against his truer nature.  This is such a vital, important scene, and once again, the manga succeeds in explaining and revealing Levi’s complexity as a character, whereas the visual novel just flat out butchered it.

Now getting back to Levi’s interaction with Isabel in this scene, and the woeful misinterpretation I saw another person make one time.  

Furlan is talking about how, given the complexity of the formation, they won’t be able to break ranks without being spotted, and he suggests they should just wait until they’re back behind the walls before trying to steal the documents again. Levi points out that if all three of them leave, then yeah, they’ll likely be spotted, and gives no further opinion.  Already, Levi is thinking that maybe he could go after Erwin and the documents alone, thinking of taking the entire burden of the operation on himself, carrying the hopes and dreams of all of them on his shoulders alone, (which is why he later calls himself conceited and proud, having relied on his own strength entirely, instead of his friends too, ending in failure, which in turn goes back to the very beginning, with Levi’s statement about never knowing what the better option is, to rely on oneself, or on their comrades).  But anyway, he doesn’t protest or try to counter Furlan when he says they should just focus on getting back alive.  Isabel expresses agreement, and then says she knows the documents are important, but she also doesn’t want to get in the way of the SC and what they’re trying to do.  Now here’s where the conversation gets really important in, once more, understanding Levi’s psychology.

He and Furlan look over at her, and while Levi stays silent, Furlan gets annoyed, chastising Isabel for seeming to suddenly care about the other soldiers, accusing her of only caring because Hange’s cookies were good.  Furlan clearly doesn’t understand Isabel’s sentiments here, he doesn’t get why she suddenly seems concerned.  He’s still focused on their own goals, and that’s all that matters to him.  But Isabel begins to explain that it’s just that she’s starting to understand why the SC goes out beyond the walls, and likens it to how they felt living in the Underground, wanting to escape to the world above.  She’s saying she understands that sense of being trapped, of being imprisoned, and the longing for freedom.  And then she talks about seeing lots of her friends dying underground, while dreaming of making it “up there.”, and how seeing that made her feel like she HAD to get up there.  It’s like Isabel is saying here that her dream to make it to the surface was strengthened by the dreams of others who never got to realize it for themselves, and that she wanted to make it to the surface, more than anything, as a way of giving the dreams of those who had died without realizing them, meaning.  By making it to the surface FOR THEM.  She starts to try and explain what she means, saying ‘It’s…” before Levi suddenly speaks for the first time since her monologue, saying “It’s like leaving the walls behind to kill the Titans…”

This is such a huge moment. Because contrary to what I saw this one person claim once, Levi is acknowledging Isabel’s feelings, and expressing empathy with them.  He’s telling Isabel here that he understands what she means, because he feels it too. This desire to fight for freedom as a way to give meaning to the suffering of those who couldn’t escape their imprisonment.  Levi, rather than ignoring or blowing Isabel off here, is relating to her.  Her feelings are his own.  Isabel smiles dreamily and says “Yeah.” Because Levi put her thoughts into words.  She then keeps talking to Levi, starting to ramble about what she wants to do when they get to live in the Capital, how fun she thinks it would be to steal from all the “rich pigs” and use their money to buy useless junk, before she falls asleep.

Furlan then kind of bursts this bubble of reverie that Isabel and Levi have fallen into, and what he says here is, again, so important.  He says “I’ve got to revise our plan.  We’ll need to steal the documents before you and she start seriously talking about dedicating your hearts, or whatever.”  Furlan’s perceived how Levi’s own feelings are beginning to match up with Isabel’s, how he’s starting to feel drawn to and sympathetic towards the SC’s cause, and he’s worried, because that’s not what they’re supposed to be there for.  They’re supposed to be there to steal the documents so they can get a chance to live in the Capital.  This is Furlan’s dream, ultimately, and he doesn’t want to lose sight of it to some unrealistic ideal.  What’s so interesting here is the contrast between Levi and Furlan.  While Levi is so quiet and reserved and hard to read, he’s actually showing himself to be more of the dreamer of the two, while Furlan is much more practical and less prone to fanciful, ideal notions like helping people beyond their own means.  

We get one last shot of Levi gazing at Isable, thoughtfully.  He’s still thinking about her words.

Alright, then comes the next big scene, with all of them outside again, to try Erwin’s new formation.  We see, again, Levi’s gradually shifting opinion of Erwin already, when he remarks that Erwin’s idea is “brilliant”, once he sees how it works, expressing genuine admiration for it and Erwin’s mind.  Levi still hates Erwin, and want to kill him, but we already see this desire in him starting to crack and come apart, replaced by an almost astonished curiosity instead.  Like he isn’t sure what Erwin is, but he’s impressed, in spite of himself.  

Then the storm comes and everything starts to fall apart.

Another, massive and vital change here in the manga from the visual novel is Levi’s reaction to the sudden storm.  In the visual novel, Levi’s first and only response to it is that he can use it as cover to go after and kill Erwin, sparing no thought to the safety of his friends, or the other people in his squad.  It was another instance in which I thought Levi’s characterization in the novel was just horribly butchered, and so once again, I was so glad to see them correct it here.  Levi’s first response, after he, Furlan and Isabel start to lose contact with Flagon and the others, is to scream at his friends to not get separated.  He's only worried about them in this moment, and wants to make sure they don’t lose contact with each other.  He isn’t thinking at all about leaving them here yet.  Just this small addition completely changes Levi’s motivations and priorities, leading into the fateful choice, and it’s immeasurably better characterization for him then what was presented in the visual novel.  I’ll get more into it with the next chapter. So until then, thanks again for reading.

8. Chapter 7: Those Three

Okay, onto chapter 7 of “No Regrets”, and there’s really no need for me to say that this is by far the most heartbreaking chapter.  I think, perhaps, the most tragic part of it all is that Levi made the choice that he did because he was actually trying to protect everyone.  Now I’m going to break his choice down and get into the details of that, so let’s just dive right in.

First off, I want to talk a little about, once more, the pivotal contrasts between the way Levi’s choice is presented here in the manga, and how it was presented in the visual novel, and why, like everything the manga’s done so far, it’s an immeasurable improvement in the manga.

Basically, the way Levi’s choice in the visual novel plays out doesn’t in any way relate to his later philosophy which serves as the driving force behind Levi’s character in the main SnK series, while the way his choice plays out in the manga relates to it completely.  

In the visual novel, it isn’t even really a choice at all.  There isn’t any consideration or struggle for Levi to choose one way or the other.  Levi acts purely on impulse, and as I stated in my analysis for chapter 6, he reacts to the sudden storm by wanting to use it as cover so he can go and kill Erwin. That’s it.  That’s his sole motivation for leaving his friends behind. He puts no thought into it, he doesn’t consider the ramifications, he doesn’t seemingly care about anything at all except killing Erwin, and to hell with the consequences.  Again, this is so wildly out of character for Levi, that I could hardly believe it while I was reading it.  To make matters worse, when Furlan tries arguing with him and tries to convince him to stay, the writing directly contradicts its earlier statement that Levi didn’t consider Furlan and Isabel to be his subordinates by having him snap back at Furlan that he’s (meaning Levi) the one who decides, almost rubbing his higher rank in their social interactions in Furlan’s face, before just riding off without another thought.  It’s just awful characterization.  And, as I said, completely severs any relation of Levi’s actions here to the philosophy he later develops and adheres to so strongly in the main series, indeed, the philosophy that he lives by and which governs his actions, the philosophy that serves as his character motif.  It turns it into a decision made purely through emotion, a purely selfish and thoughtless act taken, and indeed, the only lesson Levi would be able to take from that sort of impulsive decision making would be that he should put more thought into his actions in the future, because if he does that, then this sort of thing won’t happen again.

But that’s not the lesson Levi learns, and that’s not the foundation of his philosophy.

Levi’s entire philosophy revolves around him understanding and accepting that he can never know the outcome of any given choice he makes until after the fact, no matter how much effort and thought he puts into trying to make the right one, and finding a kind of freedom in relinquishing that control.  It is absolutely vital, then, in order for Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” to mean anything, and for it to in any way relate to the philosophy which governs him later, for it to have been a well thought out and deeply considered choice, and that’s exactly what it’s presented as in the manga.

Now I want to break his choice down here panel by panel to get into why.

First of all, the first key difference between the manga and visual novel, is here in the manga, Furlan is the one who first points out that the situation for them is bad, because in this weather, it’s likely Erwin will get eaten by a Titan, and if that happens, they won’t be able to get the papers they’ve been after this whole time.  Levi isn’t shown even THINKING about any of that up to this point.  He’s only shown concern for Furlan and Isabel, wanting to make sure they stay together, and sticking himself by their sides.  Furlan goes on to say here that in order to take the papers, they’re going to have to head to the center of the formation.  Furlan’s the one who brings the entire subject of Erwin and the documents up here, not Levi, and this is a huge and important difference.  

They hear Flagon fire the sound grenade, and realize he and Sairam aren’t far off.  Furlan says they might be able to join them somehow, but then he hesitates, and says “but… Levi.”

Furlan is looking to Levi here and asking him to make a decision for their group.  Do they go off together and try to get to Erwin before he gets eaten by a Titan and they lose their final opportunity to get the documents they need, or do they go and join Flagon.  Furlan puts the responsibility onto Levi’s shoulders here.

Now here’s where things get really complex, and we see how truly nuanced, considered, and thought out Levi’s choice really was, and ultimately, then, why it turning out to be the wrong choice is so deeply tragic.

Furlan and Isabel both are looking at Levi, waiting for him to choose, and we get to see Levi’s internal thoughts.

The first thing he thinks in this situation is to weigh the worth of the lives of his squad and his friends against his own, and this is so exactly like Levi, and once more shows infinitely better characterization of him than what was done in the visual novel. Levi thinks here “If the three of us go, the team we leave behind will be shorthanded.”  This is literally Levi showing private concern for the lives of Flagon and Sairam, knowing that if he takes Isabel and Furlan with him, those two’s chances of survival out in this weather diminish drastically.  He then thinks “If I go alone, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to find them again.” He’s considering his own chances of survival here, if he strikes out on his own.  He knows that if he does, his own chances of getting killed increase. So here we see Levi struggling with whether to prioritize the lives of his squad, or himself.  Ultimately, he decides to prioritize the lives of his squad. And I’ll get more into that in a moment.

But Levi continues to struggle.  He tells himself “Which is it?  Pick one.”, as the storm worsens around him.  He’s agonizing over it.  And then he closes his eyes, and he thinks of Isabel, remembers her saluting Flagon from the night before, and the understanding for the SC’s cause that she expressed, and how he himself understood it, and her sympathy, even her empathy with how they felt, saying she didn’t want to get in their way, meaning she didn’t want to compromise their mission.  Levi himself has been developing an attachment to these soldiers, and an admiration and understanding of their dedication, seeing how like his own desire to fight for and protect the lives of others it is.  To leave Flagon and Sairam to their fate and unprotected, then, would be both a betrayal to Isabel’s feelings and wishes, and his own. Levi doesn’t want to be the cause of Flagon’s and Saiyam’s deaths by taking Isabel and Furlan with him and leaving them by themselves.  Also, in remembering the way Isabel saluted Flagon and her enthusiasm for the SC’s dedication, Levi must also have realized, if he took Isabel with him to steal from and kill Erwin, it would destroy any future chance she might have of ever joining the SC again, if that was something she wanted.  To take her with him would implicate her in his crimes and rob her of that possible future.

Levi then thinks of Furlan and Isabel in the Underground, looking at him, and Furlan explaining to him his plans, his hopes and dreams of using this new found opportunity to make it to the world above and make for themselves better lives.  He’s remembering Furlan, and Furlan’s reliance on him to make that dream come true.  Remember how Furlan told Levi “With you here, we’ll really be able to raise hell.”. His plan always hinged on having Levi’s strength and ability in order to succeed.  Levi knows, then, if he chooses to not go after Erwin then and there, and get the documents from him, Furlan’s dreams will be dashed, and Levi will have failed to help make them come true.  And Levi has gone along with Furlan’s plans up to this point, against his own, better judgment, specifically because he wanted to help realize Furlan’s dream, to make it a reality.  To abandon it now, after all of that, must have seemed unacceptable to Levi.

And then Levi remembers Erwin, standing over him in the Underground, superior and smug, callous and uncaring for how he’s disrupted and threatened the lives of Levi and his friends. He remembers his anger at Erwin, his feeling of humiliation and rage.

And it’s this memory, finally, after all the others, after considering the lives of Flagon and Sairam, after considering Isabel’s wishes, and Furlan’s dream, that tips the scale for Levi in deciding that he has to go alone after Erwin.  It’s the weight of all those factors, the fear of letting Flagon and Sairam die, the fear of letting Furlan and Isabel down, on top of Levi’s own pain and anger, that decides it for him.  If he doesn’t go after Erwin alone, if he takes Furlan and Isabel with him, Flagon and Sairam will probably die, and both Furlan and Isabel will be implicated in the crime of theft and murder.  If he stays with Isabel and Furlan to join up with Flagon and Sairam, then Furlan’s and Isabel’s dreams likely go out the window.

This is no snap decision on Levi’s part.  It’s a deeply considered, thought out and in many ways selfless choice he makes.  And, again, that’s really what makes it so horribly tragic.  Levi was really TRYING to do the right thing here, was genuinely acting in a way he thought was for the best, for all parties involved.  He gave just as much, really MORE consideration to Furlan and Isabel and Flagon and Sairam than he did to himself.  It was the combined weight of the interests of all the other people involved that pushes Levi towards the choice he makes, and his desire for vengeance on Erwin is just the final straw which tips the scale in that direction, not the one and only deciding factor.  It is, from all angles of consideration, the best choice to make.  

So Levi tells them he’s going alone, and tells Furlan and Isabel to join up with Flagon.  He says he’ll get the documents, that’s the FIRST thing he’s going to do.  Not kill Erwin.  It’s the documents Levi is prioritizing here.  And since he’s going after Erwin to get the documents anyway, he’ll also, he says, be the one to kill him.  In Levi’s view, he’s being presented with a chance here to succeed in all their goals. In Levi’s view, this must be a win/win situation if he can find Erwin and do what needs to be done.

Furlan starts to protest, before Isabel cuts him off and says she’s going with Levi too, and Levi asks her, if she comes with him, who does she think is more likely to die, just him, or Flagon and Sairam.  He’s reminding her here of her desire to not get in the way of the SC soldiers, of her sympathy and empathy towards them, and is imploring her to realize that going with him will leave Flagon and Sairam vulnerable.  He’s telling Isabel that he can take care of himself, more than those two can.  He says, specifically, If the four of you stay together, it’ll raise their chances of survival.”.  He knows it’s dangerous to strike out on his own in this kind of weather, but he knows it increases his squad’s chances of survival if he does.  Levi makes the decision here to place the lives of Flagon and Sairam over his own, and to support Isabel’s own feelings in the process.

And then Furlan begins to protest again, telling Levi to keep his cool and think, trying to explain that if he just waits a little while, the fog might clear up.  He’s clearly afraid that if Levi goes out there on his own, he’ll get killed.

Levi asks Furlan then if he’s saying the Titans will wait until then, reminding Furlan that each moment they fail to act and go after Erwin, is another moment in which Erwin could get eaten, and risks Furlan’s dream being destroyed.

Furlan continues to protest, trying to impress on Levi how dangerous it is, to act alone, and Levi shouts back that he heard Furlan already, before insisting that he can do this by himself.  And then he screams at Furlan “Trust me!!”.  He’s putting the same request on Furlan that Furlan before put on Levi, asking for his trust, asking for his belief.  Furlan may be ready to give up on his dream for the sake of Levi’s safety, but Levi isn’t ready to give up on Furlan’s dream for the same.

They glare at each other, and then Furlan asks “Is that an order, Levi?”, and Levi’s reaction to that question speaks volumes.

He looks shocked at it, his expression one of clear surprise and confusion.

He then asks “An order…?” like he doesn’t understand why Furlan would even ask something like that, before saying “Why does it have to come to that?  I’m just… The two of you…”

This is in such sharp contrast to the way they had Levi acting in the visual novel and is, once more, infinitely superior.  

It shows so plainly that Levi doesn’t want to be considered Furlan’s and Isabel’s leader, he doesn’t want to be treated as their leader.  He only wants to be their friend, and for them to see him as their friend, and as someone they can depend and rely upon to always care about them and their dreams, as someone who will always fight for them and their dreams. He says “The two of you…” before trailing off, like he doesn’t know how to express any of that.  But that’s what Levi is trying to say, he just doesn’t know how, as usual.  He’s bad at expressing himself.  He’s trying to tell Furlan that he’s going after Erwin because he’s trying to still make their dreams come true, he’s trying to support them and protect them and ensure that this entire situation they’ve gotten themselves into isn’t in vain. Levi’s expression as he looks back at Furlan here is heartbreakingly earnest.  He looks open and vulnerable, as if imploring Furlan to understand.

And Furlan looks back, and finally realizes what Levi is trying to tell him.  And when he realizes it, he smiles, and laughs.  Because he realizes Levi is doing this for him, and for Isabel, and for Flagon and Sairam, even.  He realizes Levi truly means well here, and has made the choice he has after deep thought and consideration.  That this isn’t an impulsive or hotheaded choice, that he IS thinking clearly.  Levi is confused by his reaction, and Furlan keeps laughing along with Isabel, before telling Levi “Fine.  I’ll trust you.”, giving Levi the same regard Levi before showed him before, in agreeing to follow Furlan’s plan.  Furlan chooses to trust in Levi’s decision making, chooses to trust in Levi’s own plan now.  And then he tells Levi not to die, and Isabel tells him to make sure he comes back. They’re scared for him, but they’re choosing to trust him.

We get a significant panel then, as Furlan and Isabel fall back from him, and Levi looks back at them, as if still uncertain in his choice, despite all the thought he put into it. He’s still filled with self-doubt, even as Furlan had just moments before expressed belief in him.  Like he thinks there’s something he must be missing, even though he’s sure he thought out every possible scenario and reason for choosing as he did.

What’s important too, in understanding Levi’s choice, is that it never once occurs to him that Furlan and Isabel could die.  He thinks Flagon and Sairam potentially will, if they all leave them behind, and he thinks he himself might, if he strikes out on his own.  But he never thinks it a possibility that Furlan and Isabel could. He chooses then, in that moment, to also trust in the strength of his friends.  He shows absolute belief in Furlan’s and Isabel’s strength, to the point that he believes Flagon and Sairam need them, more than he does.  It isn’t even a thought Levi can entertain, that him choosing to leave will put Isabel and Furlan’s lives in danger.  With all the consideration he does, all the thought he puts into making the right choice, it simply isn’t conceivable to him, that his friends could die.  If he had thought that a possibility, if such a scenario had occurred to him, he never would have left.  He genuinely believed, if all four of them stuck together, they would be alright, even if he himself wasn’t.

A few others points of note in this chapter.

When Isabel and Furlan meet up with Flagon and Sairam again, and Sairam asks if Levi is dead, Isabel reacts violently, screaming “Of course he isn’t!!  Levi will come back.  Bet on it!”. This emphasizes, in a truly heartbreaking way, Isabel’s own faith in Levi, and her need to believe he’ll be alright. She insists that Levi will come back, and this builds off of Isabel’s continued refrain throughout the story of how Levi is “the strongest”, both below and above.  Levi is Isabel’s hero, and she clings to his perceived strength in this moment, needing to believe in it to comfort herself over his safety.

This runs parallel then to Levi coming upon the butchered squad from the first rank, and his horrified realization that there are at least four Titans that did this, and that they’re heading back the way Levi came from, meaning right for Isabel and Furlan and Flagon and Sairam.  He immediately turns around and tries in a frantic dash to make it back in time, thinking desperately to himself that there’s too many Titans, and they’ll be overwhelmed. And then he comes upon the sight of Sairam being eaten, and he cries out for Furlan and Isabel.  

Truly the most heartbreaking part about this entire scene is how Levi tries so desperately to make it to his friends in time, but how he just simply isn’t near enough too, and can only watch, then, as they die.  For Levi, who’s entire identity revolves around wanting to help others, to protect others, his own helplessness in this situation must be truly horrific for him. And especially, his own helplessness in watching the two people that mean the most in the world to him get eaten alive.

Another truly heartbreaking moment here is how Isabel decides, in Levi’s absence, that she’s going to take on his role as protector, and save everyone.  How Isabel’s admiration and hero worship of Levi is, indirectly, what gets her killed here.  She wants to be just like him, and in trying to be like him, she ends up dying.  All of this happens in front of Levi.  He has to watch Isabel die while trying to do the thing he’s made himself responsible for, which is protecting the lives of others. And the way she starts to call out for him, right before the Titan’s jaws close around her, is truly gut wrenching. Levi’s expression here is one of such utter horror and shock too, before it turns to sudden, murderous rage, and he tries once more to close the distance and make it in time, only to have to watch both Flagon, and then Furlan both get eaten too.

Levi thinks to himself, as Furlan’s being lifted to the Titan’s mouth “I’m going to end up letting everyone die.”  Before screaming out Furlan’s name.  Levi is already blaming himself, already feeling the abject weight of his failure. This is the moment when he realizes his choice was the wrong one.

Furlan, in one of the saddest moments of all, finally sees Levi and, as if to say ‘it’s okay.  This isn’t your fault’, waves to him in acknowledgment.

Maybe most cruel of all is how Levi, even in the face of his overwhelming fear and horror and self-hatred, clings desperately to hope, still trying with everything he has to make it in time to save at least one of his friends.  He thinks to himself “Come on, make it in time!!”, and only to make it more tragic still, he almost DOES make it in time, just barely a moment too late as he slices off the hand of the Titan that had been holding Furlan.  Levi misses saving Furlan’s life by mere moments. It’s truly the definition of tragic, and beyond traumatizing.  

9. Chapter 8: Choices

Alright, and now I’ve reached the final chapter of “No Regrets”, so let’s just dive right in!

There really is so much more to unpack from this story than I think people realize.

Firstly, just a few, truly devastating observations I want to talk about.

The first one being how, even after Furlan gets swallowed by the Titan, Levi still believes he can save him. The fact that he cuts the Titan open from the chest down to his sternum, and free’s Furlan’s arm, and the panels which show Levi reaching out for his hand and ripping him from the Titan’s stomach is just… so heartbreaking.  The way too that he gently carry’s him back to the ground and lays him out, only to discover that his entire lower half is gone, and he’s dead, just the level of trauma you know this must be causing Levi is immense, and beyond tragic.  This is one of only two, true friends in his life, and he’s so desperate to have been able to save him, that he clings on to the possibility to the bitter end, until he’s forced to face the bleak reality. Levi’s devastation is really brilliantly depicted in how he wobbles, as if his knees are weak, when he stands back up.

And then of course comes Levi’s rage, and how he takes it out on the Titans, expressing his grief and pain in the only way he knows how, through violence.  

But maybe the most heartbreaking moment here comes once he’s through killing every Titan there, and he starts to stumble away, and his foot comes into contact with Isabel’s severed head. This is, once more, another area in which the manga improved hugely over the visual novel.  

Levi’s reaction here is just… the most heartbreaking thing ever.  The way he stares when he realizes he’s looking at Isabel’s head, and then falls to his knees, his overwhelming grief here is just so beautifully depicted in these panels, as he reaches out a hand to cover her eyes, and then slides them closed, in an attempt to give her some sort of dignity in death.  The way he can’t even look at her, just doubled over in his grief, just killed me to see.  It’s so unspeakably sad, and conveys to us readers the true depth of Levi’s despair, I think.

And then we move on from this horrific grief, to the climactic moment of the story, when Levi and Erwin again come together, and we see Levi’s overwhelming rage.  Again, this entire scene was a massive improvement over the visual novel.  Well, for starters, in the visual novel, they had Levi cut Erwin’s horse down to bring him to the ground, and again, that’s just so out of character.  Luckily, they fixed that here too, with Levi simply leaping up and dragging Erwin off his horse.

These panels really are amazing too is showing Levi’s intense rage, as he warns Mike to back the hell off, and brings his blade to Erwin’s neck.

What’s really interesting here is what Levi says.  

After the struggle of the choice he made, before Furlan and Isabel were killed, after giving so much consideration and choosing based largely on their own dreams and wishes, Levi tells Erwin here “I’m going to kill you, you bastard.  That’s why I’m here.”.  And Erwin responds, after studying Levi a moment, “So they… all died? I see.”.  Erwin gleans here, both from Levi’s words and expression, that his friends have died, and what he says indicates that he knows the only reason Levi hasn’t tried to kill him before now is because Furlan’s and Isabel’s own well being and their own dreams were the only thing holding Levi back.  Levi made no attempt on Erwin’s life before because he was placing Furlan’s and Isabel’s wishes above his own, but now that they’re gone, there’s nothing to keep Levi from acting out his revenge.  

This is also where we get Erwin’s full reveal of just how in control of this entire situation he’s been this whole time, and how he manipulated every player and outcome to his desires.

This really isn’t something I see get discussed a whole lot when talking about Levi’s relationship with Erwin, and how it started out.  But, unquestionably, Erwin used Levi and his friends against their consent, to achieve his own ends.  He set the whole thing up, from first spreading rumors about having some sort of evidence against Lovof’s embezzlement, to then spreading the information that he was looking to recruit Levi and his friends from the Underground, thereby giving Lovof the very idea of going to them to obtain his own proof of the evidence’s existence, while simultaneously leading Erwin to the definitive proof he sought by following the messenger Lovof sent and intercepting him.  At the same time, giving Erwin a means of throwing Lovof off by using Levi, Furlan and Isabel for cover.  It really is incredibly impressive, but also heartbreaking, the way Erwin used Levi and his friends to his own ends, but of course, perfectly in character for Erwin too, willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. It begs certain questions though about the equality between Erwin and Levi, at least at the start of their relationship.  Erwin clearly had the control and power in this situation, and though clearly he never meant for Furlan and Isabel to die, still, his decision to rope Levi and them into his plans to catch Lovof and also to gain their strength and skill for the SC, did lead indirectly to their deaths.  Surely, if Erwin had never meddled in their lives, and used them as tools, they would have all still been alive in the Underground.  

But of course, this leads into a really interesting clash, then, between Levi and Erwin, and where we see Erwin win Levi over to his cause.  This is, as is becoming a redundant theme of my analysis here, a giant improvement over the visual novel.  There, it makes it seems as if Levi decides to follow Erwin only because Erwin has something Levi lacks, and until he can figure out what that something is, he won’t be able to “defeat him”, implying that Levi is still somehow obsessed with beating Erwin in some way.  Like he isn’t joining Erwin to fight for his dream of a better world, but because he wants to figure out what Erwin has that he doesn’t, so he can become superior, or whatever.  But here, in the manga, Levi’s reasons for deciding to follow Erwin are much more complex, and tied in with his own personal drive of wanting to help and save others, and into his relationship with Furlan and Isabel.  

Levi tells him “It wasn’t worth throwing away their lives!  They were nothing but pawns in your worthless game.  Well, you lose.”, right before he means to take Erwin’s head off.

What’s interesting here is Erwin’s response.  He doesn’t try to deny to Levi that he used Furlan and Isabel and Levi himself as pawns. He doesn’t argue, or try to defend himself on that front.  What he takes issue with is Levi calling the reasons for it a “worthless game”.

Erwin’s entire speech to Levi here really builds off of the feelings Levi had already started to develop, about feeling like he had maybe found a place to belong, where he could maximize the good he could do.  This wasn’t yet a fully formed idea in Levi’s head, up to this point, but the seeds of it had started to form.

Erwin asks Levi who’s responsible for killing his friends.  He asks if it was him, if it was Levi, and then he asks if he really thought that if they had come together to attack Erwin, that they would have made it out alive.  

This is what Levi is beating himself up over, of course.  The belief that he made the wrong decision, in leaving Furlan and Isabel behind, thinking to himself if they hadn’t split up, they would still be alive.  He blames himself for how he came to that decision, and starts to say as much to Erwin here, saying it was his conceit and his pride that was to blame, no doubt thinking of how it was his memory of Erwin and the humiliation he caused Levi that was the final tipping point which decided him in favor of going after Erwin himself, and also how he simply convinced himself that he would be able to shoulder all of the responsibility himself in such a dire situation, remembering how he told Furlan “I can do it by myself!” so insistently, asking him to trust him, to trust essentially in Levi’s strength.  To Levi, in this moment, his own strength must have seemed worthless suddenly, his belief in it leading to nothing but abject failure.   But then Erwin cuts him off and says, emphatically that, no, it was the Titans who killed them, before beginning to talk about how little they know about the Titans, and how if they continue to remain ignorant like that, they’ll never win against them.  He tells Levi to look around himself, and points out how, for as far as the eye can see, there are no walls, and then suggests that, in all that open space, there might be something they can find to free humanity from its despair and imprisonment.  And then he reminds Levi that there are people who want to stop this from this from happening, only concerned with their own profits and losses, content to stay where danger can’t reach them.  He shows sympathy, saying it’s understandable why they feel that way, because they’ve been blinded by the walls for a hundred years, and can’t see past their own survival.

And then he asks Levi if his eyes have remained clouded too.  He’s asking Levi here if he only knows how to live for himself, and if he’ll kill him and return to the Underground to continue to do so, after losing the two people he cared most about in this world.

But of course, Levi’s already learned how to live for people other than himself.  That was his whole reason for coming to the Surface in the first place.  In support and dedication to the hopes and dreams of his friends.  Levi’s eyes HAVEN’T been clouded, he’s already discovered and embraced what it means to give your life for others, already able to see past his own benefit.  

Erwin reminds Levi of that here, and tells him they won’t give up on going outside the walls, before asking Levi to fight with the Survey Corps, telling him “Humanity needs your skill!!”.  He reminds Levi, even after the loss of the two people whom he had been living for up to that point, that he can continue to live for others still, that he can still fight for the hopes and dreams of others, and that he doesn’t have to return to the life of isolation and loneliness and futility that he once lived, that he doesn’t have to return to simply surviving, or fighting only to survive. He’s reminding Levi that his life can mean more than that, just like he realized when he became friends with Isabel and Furlan.  That his life can have purpose, and that, if he lends his strength to the SC, he can do more even than help a few people.  He can, in fact, help all of humanity.  

The following panels show Levi coming to this realization.  He remembers Furlan and Isabel at his sides as they rode out into the open for the first time, into the first, true sense of freedom they had ever known, and their shared awe and wonder at the sight.  And Levi is realizing here, just as he had fought for his friends dreams of freedom, and of a better, more hopeful life, he can continue to fight for the same, only for everybody, for all people.  He can make the most of his abilities, and help the most people, by staying in the SC and fighting at Erwin’s side, fighting for Erwin’s vision of something beyond the walls, of a kind of salvation for humanity.

What Erwin gives Levi here, really, the thing Erwin gives Levi that he before lacked, is a sense of hope. A belief in his own ability to make a meaningful, positive impact on the lives of others.  It’s like Erwin’s own belief in that hope for humanity’s salvation is so strong, that Levi finds himself able to believe in it too, and he decides then and there that, for the sake of that hope, for the sake of the vision of something better, Levi will stay by Erwin’s side.  Because it’s what Levi’s always wanted to do, to fight for the hopes and dreams of others, to fight to make the lives of other people better, and Erwin has shown him the way to do so.  He shows Levi that Furlan and Isabel didn’t die for a “worthless game”, but for the sake of all human kind, and that’s why Levi is able to let go of his anger towards Erwin and follow him.  And that really feeds into Levi’s need, later on, for every soldier’s death to carry meaning.  If he can believe Furlan and Isabel died for a truly important reason, he can accept it and cope with his grief.  Like Isabel expressed herself before, these people genuinely believe their cause is worth dying for, and Erwin reminds Levi of this again.  

So he forgets his anger and pain, and chooses instead to follow Erwin, and dedicate himself to the cause of humanity’s salvation.  

The final panels of the manga are incredibly moving, with Levi slowing down behind Erwin and Mike, and glancing back one last time to where he lost his two, best friends, before looking away and riding on, as the sun shines through the clouds.  Like one, final acknowledgment of their lives together, and the sacrifice they made, before committing himself fully to his new life ahead.

10. Prologue

Just a small note on the prologue.  It opens up with Furlan and Isabel and Levi sitting beneath the only, real source of sunlight in the Underground, watching the birds in the sky.  Isabel wonders where they’re going, and Furlan answers “Far away... They can fly even beyond the walls.  To Places we couldn’t go eve with those machines.”  Isabel smiles, and says “Got that right!  Just you wait!  I’ll go with you someday.”, while Levi looks up into the sky, silent.  This is only further proof of how Furlan and Isabel both expressed their dream of someday making it on the surface, of achieving freedom from the prison of the Underground, and how Levi would sit and listen to them say things like this.  We see shots of just how grim and harsh the Underground really is here, with people lying passed out and sick in the streets, the pervasive, overwhelming darkness, and just overall depressing atmosphere.  It’s the kind of place that, clearly, robs people of their will to live.  Of any kind of hope.   It’s important to note that Levi himself never expresses any such dream, or desire.  He never voices that he wants to make it to the surface.  This is Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream, their hope, and Levi hears it from them seemingly often.  Probably, because of how hard his life has been, Levi’s never even considered it a real possibility, and so never even entertained the idea of it becoming real.  But for Furlan and Isabel, he was willing to try.  He went to the surface for them, to try and make their dream a reality.  

#shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #No Regrets #acwnr #a choice with no regrets #Levi Ackerman #Furlan Church #Isabel Magnolia #Erwin Smith #snk analysis #meta #thoughts

[whereisnardo]

Building off the college AU (1st post here)

Hidan is a student that has been at university for 8 years and still doesn’t have his MA. He’s so focused on the parties and bar fights he forgets he’s paying out the ass for an education. Gets extremely pissed every time someone calls him Hayden instead of Hidan.

Kakazu is an economics and business professor. He owns at least three of his own corporations and has significant knowledge in stocks and trading. He has a short temper but he is actually a really good teacher.

Shikamaru is torn ok? He’s a lil genius and he knows he should do something like aerospace engineering or biochemistry, but he just can’t make up his mind because they all take so much work. He probably picks a career path that’s is both intellectual and straightforward. Theoretical’s are fun when it’s purely curiosity, but working in a field of almost entirely theoretical anything is a nightmare for him. It’s a shame, he’d be good at it too.

Choji is a food science major. Not a culinary student, a food scientist. They’re different. He’s also minoring in philosophy and history because he just likes those subjects.

Tsunade is one of the biomedicine professors. She yells a lot. You can tell she’s passionate about what she does but omg her class is HARD. Sakura and Ino have this class together, they are lab partners.

Jiraiya teaches in the English department, specifically about literature. He used to tell his students about his... novels. But then someone actually looked them up, read them, and proceeded to tell the class what they were all about. He got roasted to Hell, other teachers heard about it. He has never lived it down. Gets smacked around by Tsunade for making female students feel uncomfortable.

Aoba teaches computer science and coding classes. He’s quiet and gets mistaken for a student more often than he would like to admit. His grading scale and assignment load are fair, and most of his students like him. He accepts late work with a 5% penalty for every day the assignment is late.

Sasuke never grew out of his emo phase. Girls used to love that shit, but he can’t get a girlfriend to save his life now. Ino beat him up and Itachi lectured him about being cruel. He goes to university across the country from his brother, he has a chip on his shoulder for something that happened when they were kids. Itachi has tried righting it, and their parents encourage Sasuke to go to group therapy. He does not, he would rather brood. It’s for the AeStHeTiC.

Asuma, i mentioned before teaches engineering. He also rides a motorcycle and turns up to class in worn jeans and a car-grease stained t-shirt. He does minor mechanic work on the side for fun. He tries to straighten out Shikamaru because he knows that he could do great things. Constantly brings flowers to Kurenai’s class room to remind people that she (and he) are married.

Temari is majoring in mechanical engineering. She’s one of the only girls in her class and will physically fight the men that look at her sideways. We stan a strong, independent queen.

Kankuro isn’t even a student. He’s made his own way making very elaborate wooden furniture. He just comes to visit his siblings—but the reason he’s actually coming by is to go to parties. Temari has thrown him out several times. Usually Gaara offers him his couch out of pity.

Gaara is majoring in poli-sci like Naruto. They end up being good friends, but Nardo’s abrasive personality does shock him at first. He introduces him to Kankuro, they actually hit it off. Temari cannot stand the three of them together, but she’s happy that Gaara had made a friend.

Tenten is studying to be a physical therapist, she’s also minoring in psychology and biology. She works on campus and lives in the dorms, she’s thought about joining a sorority, but when she checked one out to pledge, she realized they were not for her. She didn’t even think that most of the girls even liked each other. But it’s okay, she ends up making friends with a girl (Hinata) that lives on her floor.

Hinata told her parents that she was going to med school to be a surgeon, because that’s what they want her to do. But she’s double majoring in chemistry and biomedicine instead, she wants to do research and help people by finding new treatments for diseases. Her cousin Neji knows she changed her major, but he hasn’t said anything.

Neji is following his family’s example and going to med school to be a surgeon. He finds out that he really likes pediatric medicine, and wants to work in that. He likes child patients over adult patients, they also tend to complain less.

#hidan #kakazu #naruto shippuden #naruto headcanon #college au #naruto college au #shikamaru headcanons #shikamaru imagine #shikamaru nara #choji headcanons #choji akimichi #tsunade #jiraiya #aoba yamashiro #sasuke #sasuke uchiha #uchiha brothers #asuma sarutobi #asuma #temari #sand siblings #kankuro #sabaku no gaara #gaara headcanons #hinata headcanons #hinata hyuga #neji headcanons #neji hyuuga imagine #neji hyuga #tenten

[fresh-prince-of-denmark]

Cyberpunk 2077 Literary Analysis Pt 7: Leave me Alone, Hemingway, You’re Supposed to be Dead

Surprise bitch I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.

Cyberpunk spoilers ahead!

Cyberpunk meta literary analysis masterpost here 

Okay, so I thought I would be done with this, but it kinda feels like Hemingway has me by the left asscheek and won’t let me go as of late. So here we are: Cyberpunk literature meta-analysis part 7: For Whom the Bell Tolls

Hemingway comes up a few times in Cyberpunk, too many times to ignore. It’s not surprising, really. We know that Johnny is actually a pretty well-read guy from some of his passing comments, and if I had to guess, he’d probably really connect to Hemingway. In fact, if you play Johnny’s ending with Rogue, the final quest is called “For Whom the Bell Tolls” (which is also cool since it keeps the theme of all the missions being song titles, as this is also a Metallica song). But for once, this analysis isn’t entirely about Johnny or V. Hopefully this rings a bell (pun intended), as we’re very explicitly told who else really connected to Hemingway.  

Jackie Wells.

During the quest Heroes, Mama Wells will ask you to go through Jackie’s garage to find something for the ofrenda. One option is a book, For Whom the Bell Tolls by Earnest Hemingway. Misty will comment that he used to read it before a big job, and that it was important to him. If you choose to bring the book for the ofrenda, V will “read from the book” (I put this in quotes because the passage they read has actually been misattributed, it is a Hemingway quote, but not from FWTBT, rather from another of his works titled “Men at War”):

“When you go to war as a boy, you have a great illusion of immortality. Other people get killed, not you... Then, when you are badly wounded the first time, you lose that illusion, and you know it can happen to you.”

The majority of our main characters start out as The Fool, naive and feeling like they’re on top of the world, the kind of hubris that can only come with youth. Yet, like Hemingway says, it takes a bullet to give one a dose of reality.

For Whom the Bell Tolls is a story of war. Our protagonist, Robert Jordan (I’d be really interested to know if Johnny’s birth name, Robert John Linder, was inspired by this), leaves his cushy job as a college instructor in the United States to join the Republican side in the Spanish Civil War. Robert begins the novel fairly bland; he has no real friends, no real family, and he feels completely disconnected from the world. In all honesty, he’s boring. Like, if wet cardboard were a person. He doesn’t really care if he lives or dies, not because he’s a badass, but because he really doesn’t have anything to lose. No passion, no connections, nothing he loves that ties him to this earth despite the fact that he is a man of such strong convictions that he willingly joins this war. Robert is tasked with destroying a bridge, meeting comrades of varying philosophies along the way, who become a kind of found family to him. Despite going out of his way to avoid making connections, he falls in love, not just with the love interest Maria, but with his friends, finally giving him something worth fighting for, something connecting him to this life. The novel concludes as the group finally blow up the bridge (a task done in vain, since the Republican side has ultimately sustained more losses than the Fascists), and Robert is injured. He convinces the others to leave him behind so he can buy them time to escape. The novel ends just as it begins; our protagonist lying in wait in a forest, gun in hand, “heart to the ground,” on a bed of pine needles. (For more on cycles/mirrors/reflections, see here).

While there’s a much larger political message here that could parallel the themes of Cyberpunk, I want to focus more on the philosophical side, as it ties in with my previous analysis much more coherently. The biggest theme of this novel is about how interpersonal relationships are what matter most in this life, which is summarized very nicely by the poem by John Donne which not only lends the novel it’s name, but serves as it’s opening epitaph:

No man is an island,

Entire of itself.

Each is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less.

As well as if a promontory were.

As well as if a manor of thine own

Or of thine friend's were.

Each man's death diminishes me,

For I am involved in mankind.

Therefore, send not to know

For whom the bell tolls,

It tolls for thee.

This poem and the overall meaning of the book work on two levels. The most obvious is that we all die one day, that mortality is fleeting. But on another level, No man is an island. Our identity is tied within our communities, those that love us, and those we live for. “Therefore, send not to know/For whom the bell tolls/It tolls for thee.” Each time a person dies, a piece of all those who loved them dies with them. Funerals are not just for the deceased, but for us, a chance to bury the pieces of ourselves that died with them. “Each is a piece of the continent/Apart of the main/If a clod be washed away by the sea/Europe is the less.”

Johnny is incredibly similar to Robert Jordan. Despite knowing a lot of people and having a lot of connections, Johnny is not particularly loved, and that feeling is mutual. He even tells V that they are the only person who knows him that that doesn’t hate his guts. Both Robert and Johnny are men who base their morals and identity solely on principal and ideals; standing up for what is right, fighting against oppression, rebellion, but that passion is not borne from interpersonal relationships and connections. It is made of hate of the world, not love of their fellow man. This leads to one of Johnny’s fatal flaws; he did not fear death, because he did not feel as if he had anything to lose. He was consumed and driven by hate, not love, leading to all of his failed relationships. Had Johnny something to lose, he may not have taken all of the stupid the risks he did, acting as if he did not care about his own life.

V, in many ways, parallels Maria, Robert’s love interest in the novel. While Robert salvation lies in the love he has for all of his newfound friends, the main focus is on the love interest, Maria. Here’s an interesting bit of dialogue between Maria and Robert:

"Now, feel. I am thee and thou art me and all of one is the other. And I love thee, oh, I love thee so. Are you not truly one? Canst thou not feel it?"

"Yes," he said, "it is true."

"And feel now. Thou hast no heart but mine."

"Nor any other legs, nor feet, nor of the body."

"But we are different," she said. "I would have us exactly the same."

"You do not mean that." (20.66-71)

In this moment, Robert and Maria are talking about how they feel as if they have fused into the same person, as if they share a body. Yet there is a key difference in how they view their relationship: Maria wishes that they were exactly the same, while Robert states that she doesn’t mean that. Similarly, while Johnny seems to enjoy the growth he and V provide one another, his greatest fear is V/himself being changed into something they are not. Hmmmm….

Johnny and V are very different people by the end of Cyberpunk, finding meaning in relationships just as Robert has. For V, this means Judy, River, Panem, Kerry, Misty, Vik, etc. And for Johnny, this means V, and by extension, all of the people who make up V’s identity through their love and friendship. Despite dying and rising again as lines of code, V is able to finally show Johnny what it means to be human. His journey, I believe, can be accurate summed up by this quote from the novel:

“This was the greatest gift that he had, the talent that fitted him for war; that ability not to ignore but to despise whatever bad ending there could be. This quality was destroyed by too much responsibility for others or the necessity of undertaking something ill planned or badly conceived. For in such things the bad ending, failure, could not be ignored. It was not simply a possibility of harm to one's self, which could be ignored. He knew he himself was nothing, and he knew death was nothing. He knew that truly, as truly as he knew anything. In the last few days he had learned that he himself, with another person, could be everything. But inside himself he knew that this was the exception. That we have had, he thought. In that I have been most fortunate. That was given to me, perhaps, because I never asked for it. That cannot be taken away nor lost. But that is over and done with now on this morning and what there is to do now is our work.”

In addition, Robert’s final conversation with Maria as he is convincing the others to leave him behind so he can buy them time to escape is nearly identical to Johnny and V’s final conversation:

"Listen to this well, rabbit," he said. He knew there was a great hurry and he was sweating very much, but this had to be said and understood. "Thou wilt go now, rabbit. But I go with thee. As long as there is one of us there is both of us. Do you understand?" (43.319)

Here, Robert is telling Maria that because they are the same, only one of them needs to survive in order for them both to live. Compare that to what Johnny tells V:

V: For fucks sake, defend yourself! You’re not even trying!

Johnny: Hmm…sounds kind of familiar. We know that attitude. See, V? Stayin’ with you whether you like it or not.”

This scene is further paralleled by the fact that V crosses a bridge to reach Mikoshi, which is set to be destroyed, just as Robert was tasked with destroying the bridge. Furthermore, in the Suicide ending, the overall theme is about how V “never realized just how many friends they had.” Friends who, in all other endings, were willing to die for V, as losing them meant a piece of themselves dying with them. Similarly, Robert considers killing himself as his friends escape, as the pain of his injury becomes too much to bear. However, he is comforted knowing that his sacrifice will mean that they live, telling himself, "I don't mind this at all now they are away.” Despite now having something to live for, like Johnny, they are still able to brave their deaths as now they have been given meaning. And not just any meaning; love. No longer hate, or rage, or blind idealism. Love. 

This is the overall message of Cyberpunk: maybe you won’t change the world. Maybe you won’t win the war. Maybe your sacrifice isn’t going to change history. Maybe, in the grand scheme of the universe, you don’t matter, and you won’t ever be a legend. But you do matter to the people in your life. No man is an island. We were made to be in each other’s lives, to love one another, to change one another for the better. And that’s what life is all about.

#finally an author im familiar with even if it was against my will #like it’s the misogyny for me but god damn it’s some tasty misogyny #cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk2077 #cyberpunk 2077 v #cyberpunk spoilers #cyberpunk meta #cyberpunk 2077 meta #johnny silverhand #v #v cyberpunk #my posts #hemingway #cp2077 #cp2077 spoilers #cp77 #cp project red #jackie wells

[seyaryminamoto]

my school works are piled up this past few weeks (graduating tingz) and i just started reading the deadlock novel it feels like i'm reading a sokkla fic every time Mcashe has a scene because they just give off the vibes skskskskksksks. BTW, what's your top5 fav scenes from the novel? PS: I'm smiling like an idiot while reading the novel ughh i hate myself

I KNOW, RIIIIIGHT?! *-* and don't hate yourself, my anon friend, I spent the whole novel smiling and laughing and losing my goddamn mind because I was having the time of my life xD enjoy this beautiful content as best you can!

I mean, frankly, Reunion already had all the Sokkla vibes I could've wanted/needed to ship these two like FedEx and I always knew I wasn't getting off this ride anytime soon. But gosh, this book... it gave me everything I wanted and MORE! Their dynamics are soooo similar to Sokkla team-up dynamics, two power couples kicking ass and taking names... oh, I just love it so much. I probably will end up reading the book a third time soon x'D

As for my favorite scenes, damn, this is tricky xD

KEYCHAIN! HE MADE HER KEYCHAIN!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! God, it's just amazing how the book explains the "vintage" look for Ashe's hoverbike the way it does, and that they literally built it together *screams!!!*, but then he gives her that keychain for her birthday present, and the implications!! THE IMPLICATIONS!!! He gave her a keychain she's held onto for TWENTY YEARS?!?!?! Ships in the OW fandom have sailed far and wide with less than breadcrumbs: we literally have been granted a boon from the GODS with all this extra context for the little things in Reunion xD

Ashe going to hell and back to save her kidnapped BFF-for-whom-she-totally-doesn't-have-feelings-yeah-yeah-sure-Jan. I love the fact that McCree is, in a way, Ashe's damsel in distress and not the other way around xD Of course, it's what you'd expect from an Ashe-centric story, but it's still an amazing sequence, all around. Gotta highlight how she loves the way he smiles like a madman when they have that shootout at the end, and how he worries so much over Ashe's injury when he took an even worse one than she did (the Sokkla vibes in that particular situation were SO STRONG! I SWEAR!).

"Jesse McCree, are you trying to make me say you're handsome?" "Am I?" ... do I need to say more. That FLIRTING. These two were on fire already and they'd only known each other for like... weeks, at this point? x'D He has no sense of moderation, he's soooo into her and doesn't hide it at all. Ashe is so busy trying to plot all the crime and Jesse's practically like a shojo heroine, "oh I can feel it, this is how my love story begins!", basically xD

Finally I pick a not-McAshe scene... to bring up the one where Ashe picks up the Viper on her last moment in Lead Rose Manor. That moment was just... POWERFUL. The feeling of epicness in that scene just overwhelmed me when I was reading it xD

The ending of the book :'D the fully formed Deadlock Gang ready for business, down to the explanation for the Est. 1976 in the logo... *sobs* the fact that so much about the character design choices in these two characters is a shoutout to the past they share is just... *gross sobbing* oh, I just love it to pieces, I'm not even sorry.

Ashe's bike race to save B.O.B. x'D that whole situation was bonkers but I looooved how fierce she was about protecting her one and only buddy while growing up (AND THAT JESSE BLUSHED WHEN SHE TAUNTED HIM WAS JUST THE CHERRY ON TOP!). I appreciated learning more about the Omnic War and its consequences, how Ashe reflects on having escaped it practically untouched in virtue of her money and societal privilege while her new friends all faced many hardships to survive. But I can't help but also love that, however uneasy others could have been about the Best Omnic Butler, Ashe was so fiercely loyal to B.O.B. that she nearly broke Julian's nose herself over his ridiculousness x'D That's HER big omnic buddy and she's not about to lose him to anyone, not her shitty parents, not a bet in a race, NOTHING! (and it's so cute that B.O.B. is just as loyal to her, too *sobs*)

Ashe grabbing McCree's arm to explain things to him on their first heist and him being all "you gonna leave that there?" and only then does she realize her hand's still on him x'D what a McCree line, and he was absolutely enjoying the attention, he doesn't even pretend otherwise.

Everything poetic McCree says or does... meanwhile Ashe's like "um yeah I don't care about poetry I want money", right until his poet soul totally smashes her square in the heart with the KEYCHAIN!!! But damn, I swear I thought McCree would hold back a lot more, and yet there he was, saying things like Calamity was brilliant and mysterious... you could practically hear B.O.B., Julian and Frankie going "I can see what's happening..." in the background xD

The conversation about what they wanted to do once they were loaded with all the cash they could possibly want. That one was a real number on my heartstrings. It ties up to what I said earlier with Ashe finally being in touch with people who are completely removed from the ridiculous social circles of her parents and her school, people who really lost a lot in the war. But where Julian and Frankie seem to look at the past a lot, I loved that Jesse is basically just thinking about the future. The fact that he says he wants to chill out in a farm and that this is what he wants in life... many, MANY, shippy wheels have turned in my head since I read that <.< maaaany...

WHEN JESSE NEARLY FALLS AND ASHE CATCHES HIM!!! UNDERRRATED AS HECK!!! The fact that he's taunting her about fear of heights, then he nearly plummets to his death because ironies are beautiful xD and Ashe pulls him back to safety only to say that she's not afraid of heights but afraid of ~FALLING~??? I mean, okay, sure, maybe I'm reading too much into that line... or maybe I'm not <.< either way, the truth is I just love how absolutely broad of interpretation that scene and that DIALOGUE are :> ehehehe.

Oh, their first encounter. The fact that it's so cute and fun, and that it's this low in the list tells you how GOOD this book was x'D "You've got an awful lot of grit for a rich girl," first words he spoke to the love of his life xD then how they talked and laughed together about the crazy stories he shared (she was crying of laughter for the first time in her life! precious girl!), and then how she sat in the car thinking about the strange feeling she was left with after meeting him... they seriously had a meetcute in prison, how can a ship get any better? xD

WHEN HE COMES BACK TO HER WHEN THEIR FIRST HEIST GOES WRONG!!! That Ashe expects him to just leave after she falls off their getaway vehicle, but Jesse saves her and goes "pfft that's just not my style", basically... *sobs* without realizing it she ends up picking up that particular philosophy of his, saving her friends no matter the cost...! Honestly, though, the fact that every time something like this happens it hits Ashe like a truck racing downhill with no brakes because she's NEVER been cared about by anyone but B.O.B. and she's completely new to friendships and bonding with people... and in the mean time, Jesse immediately is "ride or die" with her because that's how he rolls... beautiful relationship dynamics between characters who influence each other for the better are just beautiful :')

A silly one here: Jesse enjoying the good life in Lead Rose. That description of him looking like a marshmallow in the CHAISE LOUNGEEEEE!!! (the one he references in their in-game interactions *CRYING SO MANY TEARS*), was just too cute to bear x'D Ashe just jumping back into work mode... while he was just thrilled to be a marshmallow in a towel xD

... So, um, I went overboard because I love this book a little too much for my own good :> what can I say? When things I love are good, I go wild xD There's probably more scenes I loved, but these... thirteen? XD are the ones that came to mind.

I think one of my favorite things now is reexamining Reunion with all this extra context in mind. The first time I watched that cinematic I, of course, fell in love with these two outlaws because how could I not? But while subsequent rewatches revealed a lot of things I didn't pay enough attention to the first time around, the book has done even more than I could imagine possible for a short that was already as shippy as could be xD

Ooookay so, shippy ramblings about Reunion, coming up! (simply because I have to put these down SOMEWHERE XD and your ask was a good idea for that, anon!)

First off, Jesse very much staged the whole rodeo in Reunion. He sent the tip to Ashe, he wanted Echo's crate specifically. He thought they could work together, basically, despite knowing it was entirely possible that those hopes wouldn't pay off. This train, according to the wikia, was a government train, so Jesse is very much telling Ashe to give a finger to the government for all he cares, all he wants is one (1) crate.

Ergo, Jesse, for all his "nice guy bountyhunter" deal, doesn't disapprove of Deadlock's actions. If anything, he counts on them to be exactly what he needs in order to get what he wants. He practically trusts Ashe to pull off the train heist disaster perfectly and only steps up when it's time to collect Echo.

Then the wacky shoot-out happens, it's veeeery charged (the UST is so thick, I swear...), and Jesse wins. He ties up Ashe, floats her off on the payload with the rest of the gang, and he sets Echo free. He's helping her out very nicely and everything, but the context in question is... he received the recall notification thingy XD Winston called him back to Overwatch, and Jesse...

... Jesse doesn't want to go back.

Jesse says "they want me", and the displeased tone of his voice, paired with the look on his face when he says that line, speak for themselves.

That, in my humble opinion, isn't the sequence of expressions you'd expect from someone who intends to return to the group where he thrived, had the time of his life and found his true calling. To me, he actually looks irritated about the recall (the sequence of expressions during that line is much better when you watch the full thing x'D), as though he REALLY doesn't want to return. He's not against Overwatch, I'm not quite saying that, otherwise he wouldn't have set Echo free and told her to go back at all... but this isn't remorse. It's not "Oh, I'm not good enough for Overwatch anymore". Nope... this is "My time with them is over and I don't plan on going back unless I have no choice", as far as I can tell.

If OW2 does bring him back into the fold and he's a perfectly chill and happy guy about it, I'll seriously be surprised. I mean, he could have set Echo free and, once his business is over, returned to Overwatch with her, he could have been in the Paris cinematic if he'd done that...

But he's not there.

Which outright says he didn't do that :> oops.

Basically, I think Jesse's reaction in Retribution (where he's markedly the most morally correct one of the bunch, and he's the former outlaw :'D) tells you his displeasure with Overwatch ran very, very deep. And someone can very easily say he felt the same way about Deadlock and that's why he left them for Overwatch... but that's conjecture. His displeasure with Blackwatch (and, in consequence, Overwatch), however, is FACT. And the previous conjecture falls flat pretty quickly considering he's perfectly fine with Ashe's train heist, even sets it up himself, from what the story suggests, so... how ~appalled~ was he over her choices and actions? Not appalled at all, if you ask me, and after you read Deadlock Rebels, you actually understand why: Jesse trusts Ashe.

From the first moment she enters the same prison block he's in, he's drawn to her. He wants to impress her, he absolutely enjoys her company and making her laugh (just as much as she enjoyed laughing at his wacky stories), and he's plain thrilled that she comes back for him when she does. Ashe manages the gang with inexperience but she's always willing to improve, and you see Jesse sticking with her through thick and thin, supporting her at the best and worst times alike, always putting his faith on her and constantly watching out for her (he protected and shielded her from attacks with his own body sooooo many times *sobs*). Ashe starts out intending to keep most profits for herself, and Jesse doesn't care much at first... but then she starts to share profit equally between their team. She works on her own bike herself, her own ride, and she plans and solves problems as best she can, to a point of even going overboard with planning too much. She's wild, reckless and takes insane risks... and this guy loves every second of it. The matter of morality regarding the actions of a criminal gang is, of course, something to think about... but as far as the book goes, Ashe mainly targets her own family, their specific brand of bullshit, and in the process she ends up helping lots of people and even saving lives that might not have been saved otherwise. I'm not going to put my hand on the fire here and say Deadlock never ever did anything absolutely wrong to people who didn't deserve it... but for a criminal gang? They're honestly the most wholesome one the OW team could have come up with, if you ask me.

So where you see Jesse is very much antagonistic with Reaper/Reyes, where he loses his temper with the guy's choices, he doesn't ever do that with Ashe. Overwatch ARE supposed to be the good guys... so how weird that Jesse McCree, reformed outlaw, ends up so disappointed with these guys when he was actually thrilled with Ashe's managing of their gang, as far as we saw. So much so that, when it came down to it, Jesse McCree, 20 years later, still counts on Ashe to give him a hand (without her full awareness) with a little operation to help out an old friend of his. Also worth pointing out: he doesn't want to fight at all, while Ashe, of course, does. Deadlock for life, is what Jesse said... and he's not Deadlock anymore, hasn't been for who knows how long. Worse yet... his tattooed arm is gone. It's like all his ties to Deadlock have been severed.

And even so, he came to Ashe and hoped she wouldn't want a shootout with him. Even when he knows she might be beyond unforgiving because of the betrayal (he has seen directly how outraged she was about a certain someone betraying her in the book...), Jesse goes back anyway and hopes it won't come to this.

THE IMPLICATIONS, MAN!!!

Carrying on: Echo is surprised that Jesse shows no intentions of going back to Overwatch. She asks him what he's going to do... and what does Jesse say?

He puts his cowboy hat back on (the symbolism in this short, I swear...), and when she asks him what he's going to do, he tells her "I've got some business to attend to."

THE MUSIC PICKS UP.

AND THEN HE CLIMBS ON THE BIKE HE BUILT WITH ASHE.

YOU GET A DELIBERATE CLOSE-UP TO THE KEYCHAIN.

THEN THE CAMERA PANS UP TO FOCUS ON THE PICTURE, TORN AND TAPED BACK TOGETHER, THAT ASHE CARRIES ON THIS BIKE, A BIKE WHICH, LET'S BE REAL, IS BASICALLY A MCASHE BABY CHOPPER/HOVERBIKE HYBRID, AND AS SHE PUTS IT LATER, IS...

HER

BIKE!!!

When Jesse says he has business to attend to, he could pick up any bike he wants (since it'd stand to reason that the other guys Ashe came in with would have bikes of their own). He could escape on horseback for all we know xD so there are lots of options... but no. He takes HERS. Right after saying he has "business to attend to".

Look, I could be wrong. I could be dead wrong. I can absolutely be digging around and going INSANE because nothing I ship EVER gets this much content.

But we literally get a guy saying he has "business" to take care of, and the cinematic focuses exclusively on elements that, even BEFORE Deadlock Rebels, all point towards Ashe?! You could easily say that taking her bike is just the final nail on the coffin, his last trolling idea to mess with his one true love... but that picture is right there. That picture, with them in their youth. The picture, btw, was bigger than just them: B.O.B.'s hand is there. The top of the picture is uneven, suggesting Ashe probably tore it to shreds in a fit of rage... and then specifically put together THEIR PART. And then she taped that to her bike's dashboard. Meaning, she carries the goddamn memory of Jesse with her EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. And she does it WILLINGLY.

Which, in turn, answers why Jesse expects MAYBE Ashe wouldn't go full-on hostile when they meet: this trolling cowboy knows exactly what he means to Ashe. He's not surprised when he sees that picture on the bike. He doesn't toss it away, which he could have, if he were saying "we are history now, forget it gurl" (and let's be honest, what a dick move that would have been @_@), he doesn't flinch after noticing and then goes "yeah, no, I'm picking another bike".

NOPE. The familiarity with which they talk, the way he hopes she'll just let him walk away, the fact that she DIDN'T change the keychain and bike in all those years and he's not even SURPRISED...

Jesse knows how much she loves him, point-blank. He's completely aware of it... and he's very much okay with it.

So much so... that I'm something of a 90% sure that the business he intends to deal with is ASHE HERSELF.

And no, I don't mean he's going to go on another shootout with her... I mean, evidently, that Jesse wants to come home. That he's tried the life of Overwatch, and he's decided to leave it behind. He's turned bountyhunter now, vigilante, pretty much... but he comes back to Ashe all the same. He's come back for the first time in who knows how long (going by Ashe's expressions and sarcasm with the "you promised you'd write" line, it miiiiiiight be they haven't seen each other since he got recruited into Blackwatch), and he expected a peaceful encounter, no less.

A good question to ask here is... what did Jesse hope would happen, if the encounter HAD been peaceful? He would've released Echo, sent her away to her business, and stayed behind anyway because he had business to deal with. Which business? :'D why... the business that would've been standing right in front of him.

There's no other, logical reason why this cinematic would put Ashe and McCree's picture into focus right when McCree says what he does to Echo. There's no other reasonable choice why McCree would turn his back on Overwatch quite so firmly. We know he had two important ties in his life: Overwatch and Deadlock. And Overwatch stole him away from Deadlock for a VERY long time. Well over half the time Deadlock has been in operations, as far as I can tell. He picked Overwatch over Deadlock once before... and now, it seems he's picking Deadlock over Overwatch instead :')

The follow-up short, Roadtrip, doesn't do anything to change my mind. The trolling jerk, Jesse McCree, hovers past Ashe's payload, where she's just... complaining, as she hovers xD going by what I know of the game and that map, the payload may just be en route to the gang's hideout, so that, I'd say, could explain why she hasn't climbed off it or escaped in any way (which she reasonably would have, if Jesse was trying to, I don't know, send her and her people to the authorities).

My point here is, however, that Jesse is headed the same way the payload is. If his destination is the same one, he'll beat it there for sure. Maybe, yes, he'll go away and drive well past the hideout... but maybe that's exactly where he intended to go.

Maybe, in the end, Reunion is about a man who's finally coming home :D

In addition, goes without saying, Ashe's rant about how everyone falls to pieces over Jesse showing his "stupid mug" (uh-huh, stupid, ANGELIC mug, we know what you really think, girl xD) ends with her saying she should have "put a bullet in him the minute he showed up".

Which begs the question of why didn't she.

Then, of course, she says she hates McCree when he drives past her while listening to some really ridiculous honky-tonky-sounding music x'D I cannot even help but imagine him deliberately picking that radio station or whatever it was just to annoy Ashe when he drove beside her, and so that she can get extra pissed when she retrieves her beloved bike, turns on the music and it's just more honky-tonky stuff x'D but anyway, the thing is she shouts after him, tells him that's her bike and says she hates him. B.O.B. wordlessly speaks for us McAshe shippers by giving Ashe the most "sure, Jan" side-eye in the history of side-eyes, and Ashe notices and is outraged enough to knock B.O.B.'s little hat right off his head again.

Again... this is renowned outlaw Elizabeth Caledonia "Calamity" Ashe, sitting on a payload, groaning about the guy she once very much had feelings for (and that doesn't even begin to cut it, if you ask me x'D) and for whom she tooooootally doesn't anymore, that picture on her bike doesn't MEAN that, OBVIOUSLYYYY!!, and so, she sits up, complains and doesn't do much of anything to get out of her current situation, right? :>

So, summing up my current understanding of EVERYTHING, thanks to Deadlock Rebels and my obsessive rewatches of Reunion + Roadtrip:

Jesse deliberately sought out Ashe so she would indirectly, unknowingly, help him set Echo free from the government's clutches.

Jesse hoped for a peaceful encounter despite knowing he might not get one.

Jesse has no intentions of returning to Overwatch but was willing to perform one final act of service for them by releasing Echo so she'd go give Winston and co. a hand.

Jesse is NOT surprised to see that Ashe: 1. Didn't change bikes at some point in the twenty years since they built it. 2. Didn't swap the ignition key for a button, the way she says she thought to do it in the novel until he gives her the keychain. 3. KEPT THE POETIC AF KEYCHAIN, despite resenting Jesse for his betrayal. 4. KEEPS A PICTURE OF THEM IN THEIR YOUNGER YEARS PASTED ON HER BIKE'S DASHBOARD.

Jesse claims he has business to deal with: he doesn't clarify said business verbally, but every shot after he says those words focuses on elements related to Ashe... and then, along with the novel's context, it's elements related to their BOND. Everything in that shot, EVERYTHING, is connected to the two of them. Elements that weren't shown before or during their shootout, and that are only introduced in that final moment when McCree is off to deal with his "business".

Ashe doesn't climb off the payload or stops it (which, going by how McCree simply pressed a button, and Ashe isn't immobilized in the least, she easily could have done it too if she had wanted to). Suggesting that, wherever the payload is heading, it isn't anywhere dangerous for Ashe and her crew, ergo, she is 100% sure McCree isn't trying to screw her over by turning her in to the authorities or so (or, at worst, she's completely confident that, even if he is going to do this, she'll be able to get out of it easily).

Jesse drives in the same direction the payload is headed. Another hint that suggests he might intend to head to the Deadlock hideout and that, whatever business he has left to deal with, it involves them.

If his intent ISN'T to go to the hideout... Jesse is still guaranteeing that Ashe will come after him by stealing her bike, the 18th birthday gift he gave her, and the picture she keeps of them. That he takes that very bike practically serves as painting a target on his back for her to hunt down, and he KNOWS IT.

In short: Jesse will have plenty of business with the Deadlock Gang in his future, and going by how pleased he seems to be when riding the bike, he's perfectly happy to handle that business on his terms, whenever he wants to handle it.

Extra tidbit: there's nothing in Deadlock Rebels about Jesse's smoking habit, something he definitely did pick up at some point while in the gang because, hahaha, he IS smoking in the picture Ashe keeps of him :> Which makes me wonder why, of all pictures Ashe chooses to keep on her bike's dashboard, she picks one where he's smoking.

Then, it makes me wonder about the fact that Jesse deliberately starts smoking when he's standing right in front of her (and then he winks at her!). He tosses that cigar after things get kind of dangerous for him because B.O.B. does something, and then... then he goes back to smoking.

RIGHT WHEN HE'S CLIMBING ON THE BIKE.

Like... seriously...

*unintelligible fangirl screaming*

I could be looking too deeply into this. I know I could be. Maybe Blizzard just wants me to go CRAZY with little symbolism and hints charged with SO MUCH MEANING that maybe don't have as much meaning as I thought it did...

... But man, I've sailed into the depths of the shippiest oceans for many ships that have gotten actual breadcrumbs from canon. I've gone wild over ships that have zero opportunity to become a thing in canon continuity. I've written a nearly 3M words story based on a ship that is just UNEXPLORED AMAZING POTENTIAL and ngl, I love exploring it myself, so I don't even begrudge canon that much for not giving it to me anymore.

But the fact is, no ship in OW, as far as I've seen, has remotely as much content, hints and strong ties as McAshe does -- at least, no ships between heroes. We had a cinematic that was CHARGED with significance, with little gestures, with even the smallest facial expressions that carried soooo much more meaning than whole episodes or even seasons in TV shows. And then? We got a novel. A full novel depicting their origins and exploring their dynamics, how tight their friendship was, and how some strong feelings were certainly brewing there, even if neither one was ready to act on them yet (as far as we saw...).

Finally... I'll say I did start working on a Sokkla Western AU ages ago because the idea I had for one was pretty amusing. Then Reunion dropped, and I said "Why would I need to finish that story anymore when the Sokkla Western AU is RIGHT HERE?!"

And that's it, I will stop rambling now because this got insanely long x'D but thank you very very much for giving me this chance to go WILD on everything I can see, within all those canon hints, with these two *-*

#anon #mcashe #the fact that canon is treating me right for once #is blowing my mind and always will #look I can end up crying in a heap when OW2 drops and we find out that nothing I thought of was real #it's entirely possible #... but we already got so much #SOOOOO MUCH #that I can't even say I'd be mad x'D #I am one happy camper on this ship #and I love them to pieces #I wish I had the time/chance to make all the art I've been inspired to about them *cries ten rivers* #one day... one day

[swan-of-sunrise]

Specs and the Flyboy (Chapter Ten)

Summary: Jack realizes just how convoluted his off-the-books investigation is after compiling all their evidence, but a foiled assassination attempt ends up shedding new light on the case.

Pairing: Jack Thompson X Reader

Word Count: 4k

Warnings/Disclaimers: Brief scene containing talk of drug addictions

A/N: Thank you all so much for reading! I hope that you enjoy!

Chapter Ten Stark Mansion, Los Angeles (Previous Chapter)

Just as Jack pinned the last photograph to the board and stepped back to admire his work, there was a loud knock on the door. “It’s open!”

“Ana went searching through her knitting supplies and found what you…what’s all this?”

“This, Jarvis, is an evidence board; I used to force the boys do ‘em back in New York for certain cases, mostly so they could keep track of evidence and discover new leads.” Jack took the spool of red yarn from Jarvis and grabbed a pair of scissors before measuring and cutting off strings. “We’ve got a lot of evidence that doesn’t match up, so I thought it’d be a good idea to lay it all out and see how everything connects.”

Jarvis made an impressed sound as he examined the board on the wall. “Several months ago, Ana joined a book club and we found that it was easier for her to understand the novels if she read them aloud to me. Why don’t you try the same thing with your evidence?”

Looking up from his work, Jack gave the butler a look of suspicion. “I thought you didn’t approve of our investigation.”

“I never said that, I merely pointed out that keeping your investigation from Miss Carter was morally wrong.” Jarvis retorted as he crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows expectantly. “Go on, then. If it makes you more comfortable, you can always pretend you’re talking to Miss (Y/L/N) instead.”

Something about the butler’s suggestive tone and the knowing gleam in his eyes caused Jack’s face to warm, and he hastily turned back towards the board with his red strings in hand. “Um, okay then. In 1917, Michael Carter was born in Hampstead, England to Harrison and Amanda Carter, and Peggy was born four years later.” Jack wrapped one end of a string around the thumbtack above Michael’s photograph and secured the other end to the one above Peggy’s SSR profile. “He kept his nose clean, made good grades in school and in ‘34, he was accepted into Cambridge University, where he studied Philosophy and Literature. He shared an apartment-sorry, a flat…” He glanced at Jarvis just as the butler gave him an eye-roll. “…with Adam Fieldman and William Attwell, two other students at Cambridge.”

“And this Adam Fieldman is the one with the connection to the orangery Miss (Y/L/N) infiltrated?”

Jack nodded, using another string to connect Michael’s photograph to one of Adam Fieldman. “Yep, his old man owns it. According to one of the codes, the orangery was a front for the manufacturing and distribution of devices based on one of Stark’s stolen blueprints…at least, it was up until the other week. Anyways, I did a little digging and found out that Attwell joined the Royal Air Force in ’39 but was shot down during the Battle of Berlin; since his body was recovered from the wreck and identified by his family, we’ve ruled him out as an associate of Michael’s. Fieldman tried enlisting in the U.S. Army right after the bombing of Pearl Harbor in ’41 but when he was declared 4F on account of his scoliosis, he officially moved back to the States to work for his old man.” He pointed to a sheet of paper pinned beneath Michael’s photograph. “According to both an official British Royal Army report and a copy of an SOE file, Michael was declared missing in action in ’40; there was no body recovered, but it was assumed that he died on the battlefield and was buried in a mass grave.”

Moving forward, Jarvis gestured to a document pinned onto the lower half of the board. “And what’s this?”

“That’s a summary of all the information (Y/N) and I pulled from ‘M. Carter’s’ file. During the whole Zero Matter thing back in July, Vernon Masters sent me to London to get dirt on Peggy; a buddy of mine in MI5 gave me that file documenting her alleged war crimes, but I realized pretty quick that there’s no way Peggy could’ve done those things. I decided I’d take it back to New York with me once the Zero Matter case got closed, but not before making a copy and hiding it at the SSR; good thing I did, too, ‘cause I was shot and the original file was stolen…but anyways, yeah, that’s everything we’ve gotten from the file so far.”

“You haven’t said anything about this man,” The butler pointed to another photograph attached to a handwritten address. “Is he the one who shot you?”

“Nope, that’s Aaron Templeton and his last known address; we think he’s a hired hand who helped carry out the bank robbery downtown a few weeks back.” Jack connected his photograph to Michael’s with another string. “Based on the intel (Y/N) gathered from the orangery, Templeton was bumped off for leaving the device behind after the robbery, so that proves he wasn’t that integral to their plans. They made off with forty thousand dollars in gold, so we’ve theorized that they’re using the gold to fund their operation.” He looked back at Jarvis and frowned at his befuddled expression. “What?”

Jarvis gave him a small shrug and forced smile. “Oh, it’s nothing.” But as Jack continued to stare him down, he hastily added, “Well, this may very well be my inner Agatha Christie fan speaking, but there appears to be quite a few gaps in your investigation. Who was your shooter? What exactly is Mr. Carter’s so-called operation and why does it need funding? And why did Mr. Carter supposedly write down valuable information in the file and risk possible exposure?”

“I can see why Stark keeps you around.” Jack grumbled, his good mood slowly dampening at the butler’s words; their case wasn’t simple as he presumed it was, and it was clearer than ever that if he wanted to return to New York, they had a lot more work to do. And they said life after the war would be easy, Jack thought with an inward eye-roll. “Well, thanks for your honesty, Jarvis. I guess I’ll have to-”

The ringing of the telephone interrupted his words, and he watched as Jarvis strode across the room to answer it. “Mr. Stark’s residence.” His face brightened. “Miss Carter! How are you?” After a moment, his smile fell. “Chief Thompson? He’s, um, he’s sunbathing by the pool, of course; he mentioned this morning that he wished to work on his tan.” Jack rolled his eyes at the lie. “Would you like me to give him a message? Splendid, we shall see you soon.” He set the handset back down on its receiver and turned to face Jack. “That was Miss Carter. She was calling to inform you that she’ll be here shortly with some paperwork for you to sign regarding a routine prisoner transfer.”

“All right, I’m gonna give (Y/L/N) a call to let her know.” Once Jarvis left the room, Jack went over to the phone and picked up the handset before dialing the telephone number he’d unintentionally committed to memory.

“Hello?”

The obvious exhaustion in the codebreaker’s voice caused Jack to frown in concern. “Geez, Specs, you sound like shit. I didn’t wake you up, did I? It’s almost noon!”

He could barely make out (Y/N)’s familiar sigh of exasperation. “You’re a real charmer, you know? And yes, in fact, you did wake me up; I was up late working on a code and finally called it quits around four in the morning.”

“(Y/L/N)...”

“I know, I know, I should get more sleep but that damn code…” She let out frustrated huff. “I take it you didn’t call just to scold me about my terrible sleep patterns, though. What’s up?”

“Peggy’s coming over in a bit with paperwork for me to sign, so we’re not gonna be able to meet up until later. I’ll give you a ring to let you know when it’s okay to come over.”

“Okay, that’ll give me a chance to look over that code with fresh eyes. Oh, and that reminds me, when I come over I want to see what sort of progress you’re making on the code I gave you to practice with the other day.”

“Sure, just as soon as you cough up those two bucks you owe me.”

Jack could practically hear her rolling her eyes, and it took all he had not to laugh out loud. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah, you bet me two bucks that the Dodgers were gonna win the World Series and last I checked, they got their asses handed to ‘em last Monday by the Yankees. Got anything smart to say to that, Specs?”

“…Nope, have a good day!”

There was a soft click before the line went silent, and Jack didn’t even bother suppressing his chuckle of amusement that time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You’re in an uncharacteristically good mood today, Jack; could it be that you’re finally beginning to enjoy Los Angeles?”

Jack shrugged noncommittally as he scribbled his signature on the bottom of a document. “More like beginning to tolerate it.” He glanced up just in time to catch Peggy’s smirk. “What?”

Her smile widened. “Nothing, it’s just that I didn’t think very highly of Los Angeles when I first arrived out here either, but I’ve slowly grown to appreciate the…unique charms that the West Coast has to offer.”

“Unique charms, huh? Is that a new nickname you’ve given to Sousa, and can I start calling him that too?”

“Sod off, Thompson.” Jack chuckled as Peggy shot him a glare; once he finished his work, she gathered up the newly-signed documents and tucked them neatly into her briefcase. “Well, that’s all I have for you. Naturally, I would’ve waited until Monday to have you sign these but the FBI was rather agitated that they hadn’t received them yet. Their charm knows no bounds, doesn’t it?”

“No kidding. They’re probably still pissed off about the whole Vernon Masters thing; it’s not the SSR’s fault he got blown to hell by Whitney Frost, but I guess they don’t see it like that.” Standing up from the dining room table, Jack faked a yawn as he stretched his arms. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Marge, I’ve gotta get some more tanning in before my afternoon nap.”

Rolling her eyes, Peggy stood and put her hat back on before grabbing her briefcase. “Well, don’t let me stop you, I’m just going to have a quick word with Mr. Jarvis before I leave.”

To keep Peggy from becoming suspicious, Jack made his way into Stark’s sprawling backyard and made himself comfortable on one of the chaise lounges beside the pool; he stretched his legs out, crossed his ankles and, with his hands resting behind his head, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Yeah, maybe I could get used to this…”

Although Jack would never publicly admit it, Peggy’s speculation had been correct; the longer he’d stayed in Los Angeles, the more he’d been enjoying himself. The endless sunshine and glitzy Hollywood scene couldn’t take all the credit for his feelings, as that honor belonged to a certain snarky codebreaker. Since the end of the war, he hadn’t exactly had friends. He’d had many great coworkers and a couple of brief romantic flings, sure, but he’d never truly felt comfortable enough around any of them to open up in any sort of meaningful way. With (Y/N), however, it was a different story and he’d found himself appreciating her more and more for that as their partnership grew. You’d better not get too comfortable, he once again warned himself, as soon as you solve this case you’re headed back to New York, hopefully to bigger and better things if you’re lucky, and she’ll still be here…

The nearby sound of a dry leaf being stepped on startled Jack out of his silent contemplation; snapping his eyes open, he looked over just in time to see a large, black-clad man lunging towards him with a knife in hand. Acting on instinct, Jack rolled himself off the lounge chair and sprang to his feet in time to dodge another swipe of his knife. Jack caught the man’s wrist and twisted it sharply so that the knife slipped out of his grasp; he kicked it into the pool just before the man landed a hard punch on his jaw that sent him reeling. The man kicked his stomach and his back hit the wall of the pool house hard; before Jack could react, the man punched him again before wrapping his hands around his neck and squeezing. Struggling for air, Jack slammed his arms down on the man’s and used the distraction to head-butt him before landing a couple of punches to his face, the last one causing the man to drop unconscious to the ground.

Panting, Jack wiped away a trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth and took the opportunity to get a good look at his attacker; he was light-haired, muscular and definitely familiar, but Jack couldn’t think of where he might’ve seen him before.

“I’ll see you on Monday, Thompson! Thompson?”

Peggy’s faint call made Jack spring into action; he picked his attacker up in a fireman’s hold and staggered into the pool house, throwing the unconscious man onto the ground and slamming the door closed behind him. He peeked through the curtains just as Peggy came into view; she glanced around the backyard for a moment before shrugging and going back into the house, much to Jack’s relief. He glanced back down at the man on the floor with a deepening frown. “Now, who the hell are you?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost as soon as (Y/N) laid eyes on Jack, her easy-going smile was replaced with a look of concern; when she gently touched his chin and moved his head to get a better look at his swollen cheek and neck, Jack was grateful that his blush was masked by the rapidly-forming bruises. “He really did a number on you, Flyboy. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Well, I’m definitely doing better than he is.” Jack tried to grin but only ended up wincing in pain. “Not by much, though. C’mon, I’ve got him tied up in the pool house; let’s wake him up and find out who he is.” He led her into the backyard and to the pool house, holding the door open for (Y/N) to enter. “There’s something about him that seems familiar, but-”

“I know who he is.” Jack turned towards her and watched as she stared down at the unconscious man tied to a chair. “He’s one of the guards from Fieldman Family Orangery; I knocked him out with my compact mirror.” She looked back up at him, her brow furrowed in concern. “It looks like you just foiled another one of their assassination attempts.”

He nodded. “And this time I’m getting a few answers for my troubles.” Striding over to the man, Jack kicked the leg of the chair and stepped back when the man jolted awake. “Had a good nap, Sleeping Beauty? Now, my partner and I are gonna need you to answer a few questions for us, so how ‘bout we start with a name.”

The man spat onto the ground and growled, “Screw you.”

“Well, that’s not very polite.�� Jack quipped, grabbing the man’s blonde hair and wrenching his head up before punching him in the face; the man groaned and Jack stepped back to look at the rapidly-swelling welt on his cheek. “How ‘bout we try that again; who are you?”

“You’re gonna…you’re gonna have to try harder than that, Chief Thompson.”

Jack raised his fist to strike him again just as (Y/N) latched onto his arm. “Thompson, wait! We’re never going to get him to talk this way-”

“Sure we are, every suspect I interrogated for the SSR started singin’ like a bird after only five minutes alone in a room with me.” He gave the man a hard glare over (Y/N)’s shoulder before looking back down at her. “This mook won’t be a problem.”

(Y/N) huffed with impatience. “I don’t doubt that you’re a skilled interrogator, Flyboy, but I’m telling you that he’s on a whole other level. If we’re going to get information out of him, we need to try another way and I think I’ve got one.” Her (Y/E/C) eyes pleaded with him to trust her and after a long moment, Jack sighed and took a step back; her gaze softened as she gave him a brief nod. “Thank you.”

The man let out a snort of amusement when (Y/N) approached him, her arms crossed over her chest. “Hey there, sweet-cheeks. What’s a pretty thing like you gonna do to me? Teach me to crochet?”

Jack’s hands clenched into fists but he forced himself to stay calm and let (Y/N) continue the interrogation herself; she smiled easily at the man and began pacing before him. “No, but we can always get to that later on if you’re not feeling too sick.” Both Jack and the man frowned in confusion. “Oh, I recognized it the moment I stepped into this room; you’re an opiate addict. As I’m sure you know, it can be very uncomfortable for an addict to be without their chosen drug for too long and judging by the way you look right now, it’s been quite a while since you’ve had a fix.”

“I…I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about…” The man’s face had lost all color and his hands were twitching against the arms of the chair.

“Right now, you’re experiencing some heavy sweating and anxiety, but you’re most likely used to those symptoms at this point in your addiction.” (Y/N) sighed and shrugged her shoulders. “Unfortunately for you, though, what you’re feeling now is nothing compared to how you’re going to feel later tonight. Abdominal cramping, tremors, vomiting…yes, it’s going to be a very uncomfortable time for you, especially since no one but the two of us knows you’re here.” How the hell does she know so much about dope addictions, Jack silently pondered, adding it to the ever-expanding list of questions he’d been dying to ask his partner. She turned back to face the man, her mouth set in a hard line. “So if you want to avoid all that unpleasantness, then I suggest you answer my partner’s question; who are you?”

The man immediately stammered out, “P-Peter Hanson.”

Jack moved to stand beside (Y/N). “Good, that wasn’t so hard. Why were you trying to kill me?”

“I was hired to, okay? The boss of my boss thought you were onto him so I was hired to bump you off in your hotel room! Once the main boss heard you were still alive, I was hired again and told that if I fail this time, he’d cut off my supply.” Jack and (Y/N) exchanged looks of confusion, and Hanson added impatiently, “My dope supply, he knows that I need it!”

(Y/N) crossed her arms once again. “All right, then. Now, tell us the names of your bosses, what they were up to at Fieldman Family Orangery and where they are now.”

Hanson let out a frustrated growl and bit his lip before answering, “The guy who hired me, his name’s Thomas, Thomas Attwell, but I don’t know the main boss’ name or what they do. I haven’t seen any of ‘em in weeks, either.”

“You hungry, Specs? How ‘bout we go grab a bite to eat and come back later?” Jack suggested. “I’m sure our new friend here wouldn’t mind waiting for us…”

“I’m not lyin’! I’m just a hired hitman, my boss never talked serious business ‘round me!” Hanson frowned, as if he was trying to recall something. “I remember one time, though, Attwell was talkin’ to another guy at the orangery – son of the guy who owned the place, I think – and he kept callin’ their work a ‘Secret Empire’ or somethin’ like that, like it was a code.” (Y/N)’s eyes widened at his words, but before Jack could react, Hanson shakily continued. “Look, these guys are nuts; I saw them torture and kill a guy just ‘cause they said he lost somethin’ important to ‘em, and that’s not even the worst thing I’ve seen. I just wanna get away from ‘em before I get in too deep…”

“Well, we need to verify the information you’ve given us before there’s any talk of what to do with you, so if you’ll excuse us…” (Y/N) ushered Jack out of the pool house and closed the door before hurrying alongside him into the mansion and to his room, where their evidence board was still hanging on the wall; she quickly made a bee-line to the board and, after putting on her reading glasses, looked over the documents and photographs pinned onto it. “Where’s the-ah, here! Yep, Thomas Attwell is the younger brother of William Attwell, Michael’s former roommate in college; I’d bet my Fleetmaster that he’s the mystery man I heard talking in the orangery.”

Standing beside her, Jack pointed to the photograph of Adam Fieldman. “And you were right about what you said the other week, Fieldman’s definitely the second guy you heard in the orangery.” He grabbed his red yarn strings and a pen, working on amending the board as he talked. “From the sound of it, Fieldman’s in charge of the manufacturing and distribution aspect of their little operation while Attwell’s there to keep their guys in check for Michael. But we still don’t know why the hell they’re robbing banks with stolen Stark tech-”

“I do.” With a weary look, (Y/N) took of her reading glasses and set them on the desk beside them. “The Secret Empire isn’t code for anything, it’s the name of an organization that existed within Hydra during the war. Originally, it started out as a criminal enterprise that generated financial support for Hydra after they broke away from Hitler and the Nazis; they also worked to secretly distract the SSR from Hydra’s activities whenever they could so needless to say, they were a massive pain in our asses throughout the war.”

Jack furrowed his brow in confusion. “If they only existed during the war, then why’s there a chucklehead in the pool house saying they’re still around?”

“Before Steve Rogers took down Hydra in ‘45, there were some rumors going around that the Secret Empire wanted to break away and form their own independent group. It was just here-say, though, and when Hydra fell we all assumed that the Secret Empire went down with them; thinking back on it now, it was a little weird that there was complete and total radio-silence on their end…” (Y/N) bit her lip as her gaze danced between Jack and the evidence board. “What if a new iteration of the Secret Empire got a hold of Howard’s blueprints, used them to manufacture weapons and began committing bank robberies as a way to build their organization back up?”

“That explains why the bank robbers ignored the cash and only went after the gold; that’s a universal currency if I’ve ever seen one.” With a sigh, Jack stepped forward and tapped a finger against the photograph of a smiling Michael Carter. “So, I guess Michael really was Hydra the whole time, and now he’s a member of this new Secret Empire. There’s one question Hanson didn’t answer, though: What’s their next move?”

(Y/N) opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by someone clearing their throat behind them. They both whirled around to see Howard Stark standing in their doorway, his arms crossed over his chest and his signature smirk on his face. “I think I can answer that one for you, Chief Thompson. But first, could you two do somethin’ about the guy in the pool house? I’ve got a pool party scheduled for later tonight and I can’t have him ruining the mood for everyone…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A/N: Thank you guys so much for reading! If you haven’t checked it out yet, I created a Spotify playlist for this series and I’ll be updating it every time I upload a new chapter. 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/21pWY7OiMFj8LaYpxhtVtW

Chapter Eleven

“Specs and the Flyboy” Masterlist

Tagging: @nnon-it-up​ @fluffymadamina​ @remmyswritings​ @ourstarsailor​ @darkusangelus​ @josis-teacup @marvel-jackt-loki-buck​ @yeetyeetchickenmeat​ @sameoldbaby​ @theserenityspace​ @seeing-but-not-observing​ @supervoldejaygent​ @momc95​ @brooke0297​ @kinda-c0nfused​ @outoftheregular  @mads-weasley​

#jack thompson x reader #agent carter #jack thompson #edwin jarvis #peggy carter #howard stark #michael carter #marvel cinematic universe #strategic scientific reserve

[agir1ukn0w]

My favorite parts from the SFX Good Omens issue:

“Perhaps surprisingly, our destination is the Garden of Eden...Here in the midst of the spectacular Atlantis Dunes and the worst drought in Cape Town’s history, is a little oasis of green that will be expanded later by the magic of CGI. This is where Adam and Eve eat (possibly) the most important apple in human civilization, and where angel Aziraphale (Michael Sheen) and serpent/demon Crowley (David Tennant) begin an unlikely millennia-spanning friendship as the representatives of their respective factions on Earth.” - Richard Edwards, SFX

“23 September 2010 was a red letter day in the history of Good Omens...After many years of trying to get the book made into a movie - most notably with Terry Gilliam at the helm - it was on this day, in a Cardiff restaurant, that Pratchett and Gaiman agreed that TV might have a better home for their story. ‘The Terry Gilliam one should have happened,’ recalls Gaiman...‘They had a really good script. Johnny Depp was going to play Crowley and Robin Williams was going to play Aziraphale, Madame Tracy and Hastur...[But] this was February 2002 - 9/11 had only just happened. He went around and said that it’s a funny film about the end of the world, and people said, “Go away,” and it died.’” - Richard Edwards, SFX

“Indeed, when streaming giants are throwing seemingly infinite quantities of cash at TV shows, we’re at a point where the only limitations to what goes up on screen is imagination. That’s exciting in many ways, but when you’re adapting a novel as beloved as Good Omens, it brings its own unique set of challenges. Just think about all those fans who feel like they know stuffy bookshop owner Aziraphale and his not-quite-as-cool-as-he-thinks BFF Crowley better than anyone else - and feel any deviation from the pictures in their mind is an aberration.” - Richard Edwards, SFX

“‘Good Omens absolutely belongs to the world,’ admits Gaiman. ‘Terry and I wrote a book that was 100,000 words, and that’s probably not more than 1% of the wordage of the total fan-fiction generated about these characters - even excluding the pornography. And I think that’s great. I love that. I’m pretty proud. When we started shooting, I did a post on Tumblr, and said, “Look, your head canon is your head canon. Nobody’s trying to fuck with that. We’re not coming in and saying ‘Our Crowley and Aziraphale is your Crowley and Aziraphale.’ You can still have a platonic Hamlet in your head after seeing five different Hamlets, with thin Hamlets and fat Hamlets and black Hamlets and white Hamlets and old Hamlets and young Hamlets. Your Hamlet can still be your Hamlet.” And that’s how I feel about Crowley and Aziraphale. We are lucky to have Michael Sheen and David Tennant,’ Gaiman adds, ‘the finest Welsh actor of his generation, and the finest Scottish actor of his generation. Watching them acting is like a fucking masterclass. I write something that I think is pretty good dialogue. I hand it to Michael and David, and it becomes better.’” - Richard Edwards, SFX

“Gaiman explains, ‘When I write a scene, the first thing I’m going to do is go to the book, and go, “Okay, what did we do? What are the great lines I need to keep in here? What’s key? What matters?” That’s occasionally been really weird - there’s at least one place where I found a huge goof in the book that I’m planning to quietly correct on future editions, without ever pointing it out to anybody, including you in this interview! You find that kind of thing when you get that deep into it. So there are a few jokes that I lost, where I went, “This is a thing of its time.” Or there were some lines that I looked at and went, “You wouldn’t let this line go through now. Therefore I feel no compunction in losing it.” And then there are other places where you go, “The book is our bible!”’” - Richard Edwards, SFX

“Neil Gaiman had never been a show runner before Good Omens and he says he’s unlikely to be one again. ‘I’m very much looking forward to retiring from show running,’ he admits. ‘I have promised my wife that I will go back to being the novelist that she married. And I look forward to that.’...‘I’m incredibly proud of what we’ve made,’ Gaiman adds. ‘Some bits are better than I could ever have dreamed. So it’s probably been worth it. On the other hand, I also look back at 20 months of not writing, no family life and all these ridiculously long work days, and I go, “Would I have done this for anything other than a promise to Terry to make it?” I don’t know. I might not have done this. It’s been work, you know? I occasionally remind myself that one reason I love being a writer was that you don’t have to get up too early in the morning!’” - Richard Edwards, SFX

“On paper Crowley’s the bad guy because he’s a demon. Do you see him that way? I don’t really see him as a villain. He would very much identify as a villain because that’s the team that he works for, and that’s what he’s supposed to be doing. And yet he keeps confounding that, because actually I think what’s the great charm of Crowley and Aziraphale is that they are not very binary. And that’s their great tragedy: over the thousands of years they’ve lived on Earth, they’ve sort of slipped from their primary mission. That’s, of course, what makes them such good friends. Although they wouldn’t even admit to being friends, and that’s what makes them the yin and yang for each other. Aziraphale is actually a bit of a bastard, and Crowley is quite kind-hearted at the end of the day. There are bigger villains in the piece than Crowley, and some of them are supposed to be the good guys!” - Richard Edwards Q&A with David Tennant, SFX

“What’s it like playing in a world of very personal beliefs and philosophies while also looking at these characters from a human point of view? Crowley’s very much within the infrastructure of Hell. Part of what I think is glorious about the way Neil sets these characters is, it’s supernatural but at the same time, it’s like an episode of The Office with the politics and the mundanities and the small-mindedness of the characters. From an acting point of view, that’s very easy to key into. Crowley is very much about his corner of existence, and protecting it.” - Richard Edwards Q&A with David Tennant, SFX

“How did you tap into Aziraphale’s personality? I decided that he’s someone who has an appreciation of craft and quality. Because he’s been around for so long, that’s something that he really responds to. Whereas Crowley just manifests his clothes, and is very much of the moment. Aziraphale has worn items of clothing over the centuries that he likes. And then if he’s an angel, and therefore a being of love, how does that affect his relationship with Crowley, someone who supposedly on the opposite team, but who he can’t do anything but love? What are the specifics of that in terms of how he relates to Crowley? You start to develop a very real person with very real qualities.” - Richard Edwards Q&A with Michael Sheen, SFX

“Did you approach playing Aziraphale and Crowley as if they were a kind of odd couple? I can’t imagine Aziraphale without Crowley. More than anything I’ve ever done, I can’t think about this character on his own - he only exists with Crowley. So from the very beginning, when we sat down at the table read, my Aziraphale was totally shaped by what David was doing as Crowley, and vice versa.” - Richard Edwards Q&A with Michael Sheen, SFX

“Does Aziraphale want to be Crowley a little bit? I think there are things about Crowley that he really admires and covets, but I don’t think that he wants to be Crowley. I think he just loves Crowley. He would never admit that, and Crowley would never admit that about Aziraphale. He admires certain qualities about him - he would like to be a bit more rock ’n’ roll, but he knows that it doesn’t really suit him. He also really enjoys being Aziraphale, I think.” - Richard Edwards Q&A with Michael Sheen, SFX

#good omens #I❤️GoodOmens! #sfx #sfx magazine #sfx good omens #richard edwards #neil gaiman #I❤️NeilGaiman! #terry pratchett #I❤️TerryPratchett! #david tennant #I❤️DavidTennant! #crowley #I❤️Crowley! #michael sheen #I❤️MichaelSheen! #I❤️Aziraphale! #aziraphale x crowley #crowley x aziraphale #ineffable husbands #I❤️IneffableHusbands! #masters of sex #mos

[winepresswrath]

Do you know any ChengQing fics that address the fact that JC wanted WWX to leave WQ's family to die, and that he is very much not a zombie rights activist WRT WN? Or actually killed her family in novel verse but that may be too far lol. I'm 1000% here for ships with conflict but ngl most stuff I've seen seems to either have her brush it off or leave it as the most awkward elephant in the room lol. I just can't see her being okay with that just bc he's hot and has good fashion sense.

I haven’t read a lot of post canon chengqing fic! The premise of most of the aus I’ve read is that he changes his mind, or it never comes up in the first place, which is what gives them the chance to get together. If anyone else has recs, please let me know!

I think that while she’d probably have a lot of feelings about it- I definitely agree that it would not be something she’d be ok with on hotness grounds- I’m also not sure those feelings would be a straightforward condemnation. One of the things I like about them is that their starting moral positions are pretty similar. She also wants to protect her particular people before all else and is extremely devoted to her family! While she wavers in that conviction, it never extends to open rebellion or support for their enemies, which is what Mingjue is being so stubborn about. Of course Jiang Cheng is in a more powerful and autonomous position than she was, but I think based on the deal she struck with WRH- she’ll serve him loyally as he embarks on his genocidal conquest, including spying for him so he can locate essential resources that will make him basically invincible and running his supervisory office; in exchange no one touches the Dafan Wen- she has a pretty good understanding of why he might choose to prioritize the well being of his people over the well being of other people and she’s not wholly unsympathetic to that choice. She seems to basically respect his position and think he’s doing, if not the right thing, at least an understandable thing that is in line with his responsibilities. She has two separate opportunities to tell him about the core transfer and try to cash in on that favour, or ask him for help more generally and she pretty vehemently does the opposite of that. She tells him they’re even and strongly suggests that helping her entire family is impossible for him to do, before adding that she IS a Wen and will be sticking with her people (the same way, I think, he’d stick with his). When she asks him if he’d have helped I don’t think it’s because she thinks he’s a terrible person who would have ignored the obviously correct thing to do for petty reasons; I think she is pretty intimately aware of what it can mean for the choices of the aristocracy to trickle down to the people they’re responsible for, as evidenced by all the innocent people she is responsible for who are punished for her uncle’s choices (and arguably for her choices, that she made to protect them, it is always crying about Wen Qing times). And also because the Jin are sadistic assholes and the Nie are down with collective punishment and Xichen didn’t want to fight with Mingjue about it but that’s a side issue.

And in the end she does turn herself, her brother, and her people over to the Jin to save Wei Wuxian. She basically follows Jiang Cheng’s exact plan but two years later. Is it a rejection of her previous my-people-first-philosophy? An outgrowth of the fact that Wei Wuxian is one of her people now too, and she thinks the Wen are doomed but maybe they can still save him? She’s functionally trying to undo the sacrifice he made when he saved them, and tells him they should have died in the camps; I do not think that implies she thinks he owed it to them.

I personally actually do think he owed it to them, and also that Jiang Cheng owed them more help than he gave. In CQL trying to turn them over to save his brother is the most fucked up thing he does by far (and it’s very fucked up!), but I also think the peasants going to die for Wei Wuxian is bullshit and honestly prefer the novel on that point. Wen Qing and I are clearly not in agreement about ethics in feudalism, is what I’m getting at here. Anyway I’d love to read fic that gets into any of this and I turn anon’s request for recs over to you all.

#Wen Qing #Jiang Cheng #they’d shove each other into traffic for their brothers and I think that’s beautiful #they’d shove a lot of other people in after each other and that’s less beautiful but still I think good #for me #not like #morally #anyway there is also something there about how her journey is pretty explicitly away from their mutual starting point! #she keeps on running into people she really wants to help #she says no #Wen Ning drags her into helping anyway #and she is I think relieved to do it even as she’s pretty sure it’s the wrong thing to do #she loses everything #and then gives up the few small things she clawed back #including her little brother like would Yanli turn Jiang Cheng over to death for Wei Wuxian? I actually don’t think so #ahhhh Wen Qing man #she might actually be the best character

[lilikags]

Trash Talk & ‘Evil Plans’ (Oikawa Tooru)

I sincerely wonder if gossip might be a better word, I don’t know.

Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x female reader Type: Fluff (?) I don’t think it could be much of anything else so Words: 3542

"(y/n)... I think we should break up."

Tears formed in your eyes. You expected this- you knew it would happen, for a long time. Yet, you were still surprised. It didn't make sense to you. It was just what emotions did, you figured.

"Yes, we should break up. Enjoy your time with your new girlfriend. Don't come back to me when she gets together with someone else though. I'm not your pillow."

You walked away, holding back your tears. Your slow gait soon turned into the fastest you could run, in the direction of your house. You didn't want to see him tomorrow, but you knew you were going to anyways at school.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

You watched him with his new girlfriend. It's not like you really wanted to- you couldn't care less. It just happened the three of you were in the same class and it was break. Meaning, there was nothing for you to do. You didn't have any inspiration to draw anything, and no one to talk to. He used to be the one you talked to during break, but you didn't want to talk to him anymore. Actually, it's been like that for a while. He's had his eye on her for a while, and you noticed that early on. Sometimes you wish you weren't observant.

But sometimes, you liked being observant. You could pick up on things others couldn't. You were in the same class as her in every class, meaning you had a lot of opportunities to observe her. You observed everyone in class, but ever since she had taken a slight interest in Mitsuo, your boyfriend at the time and the one you recently broke up with, you started to take a closer look at her. No matter how you looked at it, she was an Oikawa fangirl. He was the most popular guy in the entire school. You understood that though- he had the looks, the personality, and he even played volleyball. You've never had such an attraction to him. It looked fake to you- the happy smiles, the nice talk. You bet he thought his fangirls were annoying. What mattered to you was personality- someone who cared. You wanted someone who loved you in a special way, an you were the only one they loved that way. Maybe you set the bar too high from the romance novels you read. But your expectations were your expectations, and of course you didn't expect something like that right away, but that was what you wanted.

You thought you could have that with Mitsuo. He was smart, and he was nice to you. You got along well, and he respected your wishes. When you couldn't make it to plans you had made, he said that it was okay and that things that needed to be done had to be done. He treated you different than any other girl; he showed a lot more interest and was often protective of you. That was before he started liking her- the Oikawa fangirl. Her name was Yumi- Yoshino Yumi. Her family was much more well off than yours, and she had chill parents who let her date whoever she wanted. Their philosophy was "A textbook lesson can teach one lesson. Experiences can teach a hundred." Yumi always had a bright smile on her face. It made her look pretty and happy and always gave her positive vibes. She was new to the school, and Mitsuo liked her from the start. Apparently she had been the most popular girl in the school she previously attended, and asked Oikawa if they could date after they met a few times. He refused her like any other girl, and you assumed she was angry. The next day, she didn't show up for class. She must have cried and you figured she didn't want to come back to school with eyes red from tears. Her excuse was that she had come down with a fever.

You once saw her take out her phone during break. You didn't mean to look; she was just right next to you and you just happened to see it. What you saw was her lockscreen- and it had Oikawa on it. She and Mitsuo shared the same look when they saw each other, as if saying, "Are we meeting after school today? (y/n) won't know." Being next to her, you ended up seeing her lockscreen a lot. You noticed some things. First, they changed every week. She never repeated a picture nor did she change it mid-week. Second, they were all touched up with editing apps, having filters and other "beautifying" tools available. Third, they were all of Oikawa. No matter how you looked at it, she still liked him.

You felt pity for Mitsuo- having a girlfriend with no real interest in him. She probably got together with him because she felt he was the best option after being rejected by Oikawa. She would probably break up with him when she found someone more attractive than him.

The bell rung and everyone returned to their seats. The teacher for their next class arrived in the classroom and started the class. You went back to taking notes and doodling on the paper when she went on a tangent. She often did that and said, "Ah, I went off-topic again. Sorry about that!" Class went by pretty quickly that day, since you were just focusing on school. When the dismissal bell rung, you packed your things in your backpack and headed to your locker. Now that there wasn't much to think about, your mind drifted to Mitsuo. You missed how he acted before, how he used to walk with you to your locker after school and you used to have conversations all the way home. You absentmindedly opened your locker, with almost an emotionless face.

"(f/n)-chan!" (b/f/n) tried to jump scare you from behind. You turned around. "What's up, (b/f/n)?" you asked, unfazed. You knew all her shenanigans and tricks. After all, you two were best friends, and the two of you were very close. You had told her about what you noticed with Mitsuo and Yumi the first day you noticed something was up, and you confided in her with just about everything. "Wanna go hang out today? And it'll be at your house, because my brother has his friends over. It won't be fun with them around," she suggested, shaking her head when she mentioned her brother's friends. They were loud and annoying, and they often liked to bother (b/f/n) when they saw her. "Sure," you agreed, closing your locker's door after getting all the things you needed. You put the lock back on and the two of you headed to your house. It was quite close to the school, and you often walked home. Usually with Mitsuo, but now it was going to be (b/f/n). You felt that was better; after all, you didn't need someone who didn't care to walk you home. At least (b/f/n) cared.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

By nighttime, the two of you were done with your homework and had studied for the one upcoming test you both had. You were now just hanging out, sitting in your room and talking. The two of you sat on your bed, scrolling on your phones. She had decided to stay the night- something she did often since you were young children. Your parents considered her somewhat like their own daughter, since she was basically half living in your house and half living in hers. She even wore your clothes, and it was okay since you had been sharing clothes since you could remember. The two of you were the same size, so it didn't really make much of a difference.

"Hey, (f/n)-chan, ya up to a date?" (b/f/n) looked up from her phone. "Wha-" you looked at your best friend. "Aimi and I arranged a blind date with some guys at school and I think we hit jackpot this time!" She gave you that face, the one where she was begging for you to go and you could absolutely not refuse. "Fine..." you sighed. "It can't be that bad, after all, maybe you'll find the right guy this time," you thought, getting up to stretch. "When is it?" "Tomorrow! I don't even need to ask if you're free: you are. What else do you have to do?" she giggled. "Right. When exactly, tomorrow though? I know I'm free but I need to have an idea of when it'll be, so I can get ready," you took out your phone again, putting a reminder on your phone. "Lunch, right at noon. Don't you forget!" "I have a reminder right here- I won't forget," you put down your phone and plugged it in to charge it and pulled the covers over you. "Night, I'm tired now." "Night! Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!" You  laughed at (b/f/n). It was a childish thing to say, so like her, "Yes, yes."

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

"(y/n)~ Wake up~" you heard (b/f/n) say in you ear as she pulled the blanket off of you. "Argh, stop, I'm still sleeping," you turned back around. "You're going to wake up in two seconds," she declared. "1! 2!" As she counted to two, she pulled the blanket off again, this time making it out of your reach. You frantically reached for the blanket, waking yourself up in annoyance. "You got me there," you said, getting up and rubbing your eyes. You looked at the clock. It was 10:24 AM. "Let's go get ready! The blind date's gonna be soon~" (b/f/n) hopped over to the kitchen to find your mom cooking breakfast. (b/f/n) got even more excited when she saw the waffles being made and immediately grabbed a plate and the whipped cream from the fridge. She sat down on the island table, sitting at a place she could easily see the waffles being made.

You still sat on your bed, stretching. You definitely didn't feel like going out today, not one bit. On days like these, Mitsuo would come over and the two of you would just talk all day, sitting on your bed in your room. You would talk about anything, from what you did in the morning to a huge event that was happening. It was easy to talk to him, easy to tell him all your worries, easy to listen to him. Maybe that's what love did.

Nonetheless, you had to get up. You promised (b/f/n) you would go, and you weren't going to break that promise and trust you had built up over your whole life. She was a sensitive person, and you would rather deal with some annoying people then lose her. So, you went to get ready. You headed over to the bathroom and turned on the shower, so that you could get your clothes while the water warms up. You then walked back into your room and over to your closet, picking out a cute outfit to wear. It was warm today, so you decided a t-shirt and denim shorts would do. You picked out a simple white t-shirt with a cute duck drawn on it and a pair of shorts made from ripped denim. You spotted a light jacket with a flower design made of almost see-through fabric you recently bought and figured it would be a good time to wear it.

You went back to your bathroom and lay the clothes onto a dry part of the countertop by the sink and felt the water from the shower with your hand to see if it was warm yet. Drying off your hand with your pajamas, you took them off and headed into the shower. Meanwhile, when you were in the shower, (b/f/n) started talking to your mom while she was making the waffles. You hadn't told your mom yet about the breakup with Mitsuo, and you planned on telling her eventually, when she noticed something. (b/f/n), being (b/f/n), just had to go tell your mom about it. "Did you notice something about (y/n) today?" (b/f/n) got up to take a closer look at the waffles. "She does seem a bit down, but it could be due to many things. I'm sure it'll be over soon," your mom replied, focusing on the waffles. "Well, actually, she broke up with Mitsuo. More like Mitsuo broke up with (y/n), but nonetheless they broke up." Your mom stopped what she was doing for a second, "Huh? But I thought they were doing so well!"

When you were done with your shower, you turned off the water and grabbed your towel, which had your name on it. You mom thought it was a good idea to have everyone's names embroidered on their towels, and she had that done for New Years a few years back. Once dried, you quickly put on your clothes and brushed your hair, fixing it in a (hairstyle). You then put on some light makeup and headed out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, smelling the aroma of fresh waffles. You heard the name Mitsuo as you walked in and stopped before they could see you, listening in a bit on their conversation. "(b/f/n), seriously? I know you're the type to do that, but still, ugh," you thought to yourself. After a few minutes of listening in on the conversation, you decided to come out, hungry. You didn't eat that much last night, and waffles were delicious. You acted as if you didn't hear anything and got a plate of waffles for yourself, until your mom said, "(y/n), you broke up with Mitsuo?" "Yeah, we can talk about it later," you said, starting to eat your waffle at a faster pace.

You went back to the bathroom to brush your teeth, thinking about what you were going to say to your mom about Mitsuo. You'd known about this for a long time, yet you hadn't thought about what you were to say to your mom about what happened. Were you going to tell her the truth? It seemed like a favorable option, until you realized she'd make a big deal about it. You didn't want that; it would make it seem you were still hung up about that, and that was one of the last things you needed at the moment.

You headed back to your room to wait for (b/f/n) as she got ready. It always took her just about forever to get ready, especially for an occasion as big as this, so you laid in bed, playing games on your phone. They weren't exactly engaging, you would say, but they were definitely intriguing and good time passers. "Hey (y/n), Aimi can't make it to the blind date, and one of the guys too. Apparently her mom is dragging her to some class because she didn't get a good grade. Aimi, don't die! The guy that isn't coming is in the soccer club and there was an emergency meeting. So, it's just the two of us and the other two guys. This'll be interesting!" (b/f/n) said from the bathroom as she was fixing her makeup. You nodded in response, but internally, you were freaking out. Aimi was always good at making things less awkward for you, gladly taking the attention you didn't want in socially awkward situations. She was your saving grace in these kinds of situations, and you didn't know what to do without her.

After what felt like forever, (b/f/n) finally finished her makeup and got out of the bathroom. You stopped playing the game you were playing and got up from your bed. You walked over to the front door, slipping on your shoes and started heading your way to the bus station. The cafe Aimi had the arranged the blind date at wasn't far, but it was much quicker to get there by bus. After all, (b/f/n) took forever to do everything.

It wasn't long until you arrived at the cafe, with a wooden and plant themed aesthetic. There was a vine wall, which you thought was neat and the colors matched well.  A lot of wood was used throughout the cafe, but it all matched and didn't feel repetitive due to the different types wood used. The two of you sat down at a table Aimi reserved and waited for the guys.

The two of you didn't wait long before one of the guys showed up, and (b/f/n) instantly started talking to him. You knew who he was- he was on the basketball team and was pretty popular among the girls. Aimi had liked him for a long time, no wonder she was eager to talk to him. The two, being pretty similar, hit it off pretty quickly, leaving you to sip your (drink) by yourself while you waited for the other guy. You started to think he wouldn't come, and that was alright with you since you weren't thinking of dating someone yet.

After a while, and you had almost completely forgotten about the mysterious guy who wouldn't show up, until someone in a volleyball uniform showed up. He seemed tired, though he didn't how it much. He smiled and looked as if he was enjoying the attention given to him by both (b/f/n) and her partner. You felt you shouldn't care less, but you couldn't help but want to get out of there already. You knew who it was- Oikawa Tooru- and you already didn't want to talk to him. You were already in a bad mood and someone with a personality like his did not seem like a good combination to you.

"Hey, you're pretty cute. You're (y/n), right? I think I've seen you in the hallways before," he started. "Yeah," you put down your phone and looked at him with the most "can I go home, this is the most boring thing ever and I couldn't care less" face. "You know, you were half an hour late. Shouldn't you have learned manners?" "I did learn manners! I was just busy and forgot to notify Aimi about it." He then struck back,  "Oh, I heard you broke up with your boyfriend recently. Mitsuo, was it?" he asked, ordering a drink of his own. Your mood went even more south, when he asked that. That was your business, what right did he have to ask about it? "Yeah. He cheated on me with one of your fangirls." "Oh wow." "That's all you have to say?" "Well, it's not like I'm in control of my fandom." "Yeah, but you have the power to influence them into not doing rude things, like interfering with other people's business." "You're saying that I should have stopped that girl from going to Mitsuo?! That makes no sense." "You could have been nice and tried." "It's literally that witch who started it. She goes around asking certain guys out one after another and if she gets rejected, she goes to the next one. She did that to me too. She's so annoying, honestly." "Yeah. Honestly, I feel pity for her. She doesn't have anyone, so she just goes around searching for someone until she gets somebody. I bet she doesn't even like Mitsuo." "The way she acts, I bet she's just using them, till she can find a guy she likes." "Exactly! Honestly, I want to see her face when she realizes that people don't like her. Honestly." "That's a genius idea."

The two of you then started with the prank planning, putting whatever ideas out there and concocting a vicious plan to expose her. On the other hand, (b/f/n) and her date were having a pleasant conversation. They talked about a number of things, mostly funny stories. You didn't even realize she told him about that time you messed up cracking an egg while saying you were better than her at cooking.

Before you knew it, you had spent hours talking to him, forming a plan to expose this entitled brat and see the face the two of you wanted to see. It was around 3 when the other guy had to leave for practice with his team, and (b/f/n) exchanged contact info with him and waved him goodbye. With a smile on her face, she looked towards the two of you. Both you and Oikawa wore grins that signaled trouble, and (b/f/n) wondered what happened between the two of you. She nudged you that the other guy had left and she was waiting, and it so happened that the two of you were wrapping up your brilliant plans.

"Hey, maybe we should exchange phone numbers so we can finish up our plans? They're gonna be great." you said to him, standing up. "Yes, that would be awesome," he took out his phone as you took out yours.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰

"Hey, (y/n), I wonder what you two were talking about. The two of you looked like you were evil villains in a movie planning something," (b/f/n) said to you on your way home. "Oh, you'll see, (b/f/n). It'll be glorious." you smiled.

˚₊·͟͟͟͟͟͟͞͞͞͞͞͞➳❥ ꒰ ⌨ ✰ Lili ⁱˢ ᵗʸᵖⁱⁿᵍ··· ꒱ | ೃ࿔₊•

A/N: Hey! Sorry this took a whole month to write, school started and everything's been a mess. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this! Question: did it feel like it dragged or was it good?

Also, this is dedicated to my friend Hyacinth :3 (and tagging @kisasaysmuah because (yes this is the reason))

Image credits: Daan Evers on Unsplash

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu x reader #x reader #oikawa #oikawa tooru #oikawa toru x reader #hq oikawa #oikawa x you #lili kags

[jungshookz]

Hiiii cee, so question, we been knew that all of the couples are some kind of soulmate and are in that shit for life bUt, if u had to think of one or more -for whatever reason- who do you think would be more likely to break up for good?

hmMmm out of all of the couples i feel like maybe librarian!joon and y/n??? i know that opposites attract but in this case they’re literally comPLETE opposites so that might be something that could make them butt heads and eventually break up :-(( like y/n will get too into her head about how she’s not smart and well-read enough for joon which has always always been one of her biggest insecurities in their relationship and joon might find it difficult to make her feel better just because he’s?? not very good at comforting people?? and the argument will start off with something small like namjoon teasing y/n about how she said romeo and juliet was a “trajectory. what’s the word? tramedy?” (she was thinking of traGEDY) and joon would be like heeheehaha how do u not know the word tragedy u silly dum dum >:D but after all this internal buildup y/n will finally snap and just be like yeah!!!! yeah i am stupid!!!! okay!!! i’m a frickin idiot i get it!!!! 

“i was kidding!! it was banter!!! you know i’m no good at banter- i just don’t understand why you’re getting so hyped up about thi-”

“well, you’re clearly the smarter one out of the two of us. i’m just the dumbass, right? i’m always the dumbass!” you snap as you slap your book shut, “god, you always have to rub in my face how much better you are than i am-”

“i have never- when have i ever done that?!” namjoon gawks before scoffing, “you’ve been so... so on edge lately and i don’t know if it’s something i’ve done or if it’s something to do with your courses because you won’t talk to me about it-” 

“why don’t you go figure it out??” you cross your arms and huff, “you’re the one with the bigger brain-”

“i don’t want to figure it out if you can just tell me the answer right now!” namjoon throws his arms up into the air, “y/n, just talk to me, you know you can talk to me-” 

you resist the urge to throW your book at namjoon as you get up off his couch

you can’t explain why you’re getting so worked up over his harmless little comment

it’s just... you know he doesn’t do it on purpose and his intention is never to hurt you but you always feel so inferior compared to namjoon whenever you guys are together

and it’s hard to pretend that everything is okay when the question that’s always on your mind is ‘am i good enough for him?’

he deserves to be with someone who can keep up with all his novel references 

someone who understands all the dorky philosophy jokes he makes

it’s not just because you don’t understand what he’s talking about half of the time that you’re feeling this way 

it’s hard to explain

you feel like you’ve wasted his time

you feel like he knows he can do better 

you feel like he deserves to be with someone who... 

who isn’t you.

... 

maybe you’re just being dramatic about this but you know that you can’t be here right now 

there’s just a loT going through your mind and you need to figure this out on your own without namjoon freaking out in front of you 

“oh, i see, so you’re just going to leave, then?” namjoon shakes his head when you start shoving your things back into your purse, “just do what you always do, y/n - panic and leave when things get hard-” 

“i think we should break up.” the phrase slips from your mouth before you even realize it and you’re able to pinpoint the exact moment namjoon’s heart splinters in his chest

(his eyes flicker and his shoulders droop) 

“wh- what?” namjoon blinks cluelessly, “what do you mean-” 

you shrug as you chew on the inside of your cheek anxiously, “we should break up.” 

“but- but i-” namjoon’s eyes start to glaze over and you swallow the lump growing in your throat, “i-i don’t- i don’t understand-” 

this’ll be better for the two of you in the long run, right? (no) 

namjoon will find someone better suited for someone of his stature and you’ll... 

well, you’ll probably find someone. 

you’re making the right decision, right? (no)

you’re 100% sure about this, right? (no)

if you truly loved namjoon, you know that this is the right thing to do... and you do love namjoon with every fibre of your being, so... 

writing this gave me The Depression so i’m stopping here before i fall into an endless pit of miSERY 

:-(

#baby drabbles #librarian!namjoon #librarian!namjoon drabbles #answered

[vkelleyart]

okay so I've had a bit of a rough time recently in terms of relationships and loving someone and I just want to say that your wedding art was the most beautiful reminder to keep believing that love like that is real, and powerful, and not to shut myself off from it because I know it will be worth it – kinda disney but that's what YA fiction teaches you:) anyways I'm off to go read WTTHTM and probably cry but I'm so down for it. Love your work as always.

First off, I’m so sorry you’ve been going through a rough time. I’ve been there and I sympathize 100%. You may remember in the “Wedding Letters” post that I vaguely alluded to some unhappy circumstances ahead of receiving Mike’s first message. In short, one of my closest friends had decided to kiss me to test his devotion to his girlfriend. He failed to tell me he was still involved with her when it happened, and I only found out about it after he ghosted me and a mutual friend later informed me that I’d been used. I'd gone from feeling high and happy to feeling lower than I’d felt in a long, long time. It was the second time in two years that someone had used me as a catalyst to either end or preserve a relationship with someone else.

I was pretty sure there was no hope. Being gray-ace (and not knowing it at the time) already made my relationships complicated; opening myself up to someone was usually a herculean feat. Imagine my surprise when Mike appeared and everything that usually came with difficulty was suddenly easy. For one who typically took YEARS to form that kind of attachment, it felt pretty miraculous indeed.

But that’s just my story. Everyone’s is different. I’m ecstatic that my art for the zine gave your faith in love a boost, but let me also remind you that the most important love is the love you give yourself. As much as I complained through it, the years I was single taught me to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own company, so that when I finally was in a partnership, I was able to hold my own, so to speak (as opposed to losing myself in it).

I think that’s what Simon and Baz are hopefully about to learn in AWTWB: that in order to truly love someone else the way they deserve, you must accept and love yourself as you are. Individually. Unconditionally. 

I’m so sorry for this novel of a reply and hope you didn’t mind getting into the trenches of my philosophies on love with me. All I can say is, hang in there. You are worthy of love and validation, and if you desire it, romance as well. Keep the door of your heart open. As Ebb says to Simon in WTTHTM:

“...remember always to stay soft”—she pointed to my chest—“in here.”

Thank you so much for your kind words about “Wedding Letters” (and for reading WTTHTM!). Sending you light and love, friend. <3

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, onto chapter 7 of “No Regrets”, and there’s really no need for me to say that this is by far the most heartbreaking chapter.  I think, perhaps, the most tragic part of it all is that Levi made the choice that he did because he was actually trying to protect everyone.  Now I’m going to break his choice down and get into the details of that, so let’s just dive right in.

First off, I want to talk a little about, once more, the pivotal contrasts between the way Levi’s choice is presented here in the manga, and how it was presented in the visual novel, and why, like everything the manga’s done so far, it’s an immeasurable improvement in the manga.

Basically, the way Levi’s choice in the visual novel plays out doesn’t in any way relate to his later philosophy which serves as the driving force behind Levi’s character in the main SnK series, while the way his choice plays out in the manga relates to it completely.  

In the visual novel, it isn’t even really a choice at all.  There isn’t any consideration or struggle for Levi to choose one way or the other.  Levi acts purely on impulse, and as I stated in my analysis for chapter 6, he reacts to the sudden storm by wanting to use it as cover so he can go and kill Erwin. That’s it.  That’s his sole motivation for leaving his friends behind. He puts no thought into it, he doesn’t consider the ramifications, he doesn’t seemingly care about anything at all except killing Erwin, and to hell with the consequences.  Again, this is so wildly out of character for Levi, that I could hardly believe it while I was reading it.  To make matters worse, when Furlan tries arguing with him and tries to convince him to stay, the writing directly contradicts its earlier statement that Levi didn’t consider Furlan and Isabel to be his subordinates by having him snap back at Furlan that he’s (meaning Levi) the one who decides, almost rubbing his higher rank in their social interactions in Furlan’s face, before just riding off without another thought.  It’s just awful characterization.  And, as I said, completely severs any relation of Levi’s actions here to the philosophy he later develops and adheres to so strongly in the main series, indeed, the philosophy that he lives by and which governs his actions, the philosophy that serves as his character motif.  It turns it into a decision made purely through emotion, a purely selfish and thoughtless act taken, and indeed, the only lesson Levi would be able to take from that sort of impulsive decision making would be that he should put more thought into his actions in the future, because if he does that, then this sort of thing won’t happen again.

But that’s not the lesson Levi learns, and that’s not the foundation of his philosophy.

Levi’s entire philosophy revolves around him understanding and accepting that he can never know the outcome of any given choice he makes until after the fact, no matter how much effort and thought he puts into trying to make the right one, and finding a kind of freedom in relinquishing that control.  It is absolutely vital, then, in order for Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” to mean anything, and for it to in any way relate to the philosophy which governs him later, for it to have been a well thought out and deeply considered choice, and that’s exactly what it’s presented as in the manga.

Now I want to break his choice down here panel by panel to get into why.

First of all, the first key difference between the manga and visual novel, is here in the manga, Furlan is the one who first points out that the situation for them is bad, because in this weather, it’s likely Erwin will get eaten by a Titan, and if that happens, they won’t be able to get the papers they’ve been after this whole time.  Levi isn’t shown even THINKING about any of that up to this point.  He’s only shown concern for Furlan and Isabel, wanting to make sure they stay together, and sticking himself by their sides.  Furlan goes on to say here that in order to take the papers, they’re going to have to head to the center of the formation.  Furlan’s the one who brings the entire subject of Erwin and the documents up here, not Levi, and this is a huge and important difference.  

They hear Flagon fire the sound grenade, and realize he and Sairam aren’t far off.  Furlan says they might be able to join them somehow, but then he hesitates, and says “but… Levi.”

Furlan is looking to Levi here and asking him to make a decision for their group.  Do they go off together and try to get to Erwin before he gets eaten by a Titan and they lose their final opportunity to get the documents they need, or do they go and join Flagon.  Furlan puts the responsibility onto Levi’s shoulders here.

Now here’s where things get really complex, and we see how truly nuanced, considered, and thought out Levi’s choice really was, and ultimately, then, why it turning out to be the wrong choice is so deeply tragic.

Furlan and Isabel both are looking at Levi, waiting for him to choose, and we get to see Levi’s internal thoughts.

The first thing he thinks in this situation is to weigh the worth of the lives of his squad and his friends against his own, and this is so exactly like Levi, and once more shows infinitely better characterization of him than what was done in the visual novel. Levi thinks here “If the three of us go, the team we leave behind will be shorthanded.”  This is literally Levi showing private concern for the lives of Flagon and Sairam, knowing that if he takes Isabel and Furlan with him, those two’s chances of survival out in this weather diminish drastically.  He then thinks “If I go alone, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to find them again.” He’s considering his own chances of survival here, if he strikes out on his own.  He knows that if he does, his own chances of getting killed increase. So here we see Levi struggling with whether to prioritize the lives of his squad, or himself.  Ultimately, he decides to prioritize the lives of his squad. And I’ll get more into that in a moment.

But Levi continues to struggle.  He tells himself “Which is it?  Pick one.”, as the storm worsens around him.  He’s agonizing over it.  And then he closes his eyes, and he thinks of Isabel, remembers her saluting Flagon from the night before, and the understanding for the SC’s cause that she expressed, and how he himself understood it, and her sympathy, even her empathy with how they felt, saying she didn’t want to get in their way, meaning she didn’t want to compromise their mission.  Levi himself has been developing an attachment to these soldiers, and an admiration and understanding of their dedication, seeing how like his own desire to fight for and protect the lives of others it is.  To leave Flagon and Sairam to their fate and unprotected, then, would be both a betrayal to Isabel’s feelings and wishes, and his own. Levi doesn’t want to be the cause of Flagon’s and Saiyam’s deaths by taking Isabel and Furlan with him and leaving them by themselves.  Also, in remembering the way Isabel saluted Flagon and her enthusiasm for the SC’s dedication, Levi must also have realized, if he took Isabel with him to steal from and kill Erwin, it would destroy any future chance she might have of ever joining the SC again, if that was something she wanted.  To take her with him would implicate her in his crimes and rob her of that possible future.

Levi then thinks of Furlan and Isabel in the Underground, looking at him, and Furlan explaining to him his plans, his hopes and dreams of using this new found opportunity to make it to the world above and make for themselves better lives.  He’s remembering Furlan, and Furlan’s reliance on him to make that dream come true.  Remember how Furlan told Levi “With you here, we’ll really be able to raise hell.”. His plan always hinged on having Levi’s strength and ability in order to succeed.  Levi knows, then, if he chooses to not go after Erwin then and there, and get the documents from him, Furlan’s dreams will be dashed, and Levi will have failed to help make them come true.  And Levi has gone along with Furlan’s plans up to this point, against his own, better judgment, specifically because he wanted to help realize Furlan’s dream, to make it a reality.  To abandon it now, after all of that, must have seemed unacceptable to Levi.

And then Levi remembers Erwin, standing over him in the Underground, superior and smug, callous and uncaring for how he’s disrupted and threatened the lives of Levi and his friends. He remembers his anger at Erwin, his feeling of humiliation and rage.

And it’s this memory, finally, after all the others, after considering the lives of Flagon and Sairam, after considering Isabel’s wishes, and Furlan’s dream, that tips the scale for Levi in deciding that he has to go alone after Erwin.  It’s the weight of all those factors, the fear of letting Flagon and Sairam die, the fear of letting Furlan and Isabel down, on top of Levi’s own pain and anger, that decides it for him.  If he doesn’t go after Erwin alone, if he takes Furlan and Isabel with him, Flagon and Sairam will probably die, and both Furlan and Isabel will be implicated in the crime of theft and murder.  If he stays with Isabel and Furlan to join up with Flagon and Sairam, then Furlan’s and Isabel’s dreams likely go out the window.

This is no snap decision on Levi’s part.  It’s a deeply considered, thought out and in many ways selfless choice he makes.  And, again, that’s really what makes it so horribly tragic.  Levi was really TRYING to do the right thing here, was genuinely acting in a way he thought was for the best, for all parties involved.  He gave just as much, really MORE consideration to Furlan and Isabel and Flagon and Sairam than he did to himself.  It was the combined weight of the interests of all the other people involved that pushes Levi towards the choice he makes, and his desire for vengeance on Erwin is just the final straw which tips the scale in that direction, not the one and only deciding factor.  It is, from all angles of consideration, the best choice to make.  

So Levi tells them he’s going alone, and tells Furlan and Isabel to join up with Flagon.  He says he’ll get the documents, that’s the FIRST thing he’s going to do.  Not kill Erwin.  It’s the documents Levi is prioritizing here.  And since he’s going after Erwin to get the documents anyway, he’ll also, he says, be the one to kill him.  In Levi’s view, he’s being presented with a chance here to succeed in all their goals. In Levi’s view, this must be a win/win situation if he can find Erwin and do what needs to be done.

Furlan starts to protest, before Isabel cuts him off and says she’s going with Levi too, and Levi asks her, if she comes with him, who does she think is more likely to die, just him, or Flagon and Sairam.  He’s reminding her here of her desire to not get in the way of the SC soldiers, of her sympathy and empathy towards them, and is imploring her to realize that going with him will leave Flagon and Sairam vulnerable.  He’s telling Isabel that he can take care of himself, more than those two can.  He says, specifically, If the four of you stay together, it’ll raise their chances of survival.”.  He knows it’s dangerous to strike out on his own in this kind of weather, but he knows it increases his squad’s chances of survival if he does.  Levi makes the decision here to place the lives of Flagon and Sairam over his own, and to support Isabel’s own feelings in the process.

And then Furlan begins to protest again, telling Levi to keep his cool and think, trying to explain that if he just waits a little while, the fog might clear up.  He’s clearly afraid that if Levi goes out there on his own, he’ll get killed.

Levi asks Furlan then if he’s saying the Titans will wait until then, reminding Furlan that each moment they fail to act and go after Erwin, is another moment in which Erwin could get eaten, and risks Furlan’s dream being destroyed.

Furlan continues to protest, trying to impress on Levi how dangerous it is, to act alone, and Levi shouts back that he heard Furlan already, before insisting that he can do this by himself.  And then he screams at Furlan “Trust me!!”.  He’s putting the same request on Furlan that Furlan before put on Levi, asking for his trust, asking for his belief.  Furlan may be ready to give up on his dream for the sake of Levi’s safety, but Levi isn’t ready to give up on Furlan’s dream for the same.

They glare at each other, and then Furlan asks “Is that an order, Levi?”, and Levi’s reaction to that question speaks volumes.

He looks shocked at it, his expression one of clear surprise and confusion.

He then asks “An order…?” like he doesn’t understand why Furlan would even ask something like that, before saying “Why does it have to come to that?  I’m just… The two of you…”

This is in such sharp contrast to the way they had Levi acting in the visual novel and is, once more, infinitely superior.  

It shows so plainly that Levi doesn’t want to be considered Furlan’s and Isabel’s leader, he doesn’t want to be treated as their leader.  He only wants to be their friend, and for them to see him as their friend, and as someone they can depend and rely upon to always care about them and their dreams, as someone who will always fight for them and their dreams. He says “The two of you…” before trailing off, like he doesn’t know how to express any of that.  But that’s what Levi is trying to say, he just doesn’t know how, as usual.  He’s bad at expressing himself.  He’s trying to tell Furlan that he’s going after Erwin because he’s trying to still make their dreams come true, he’s trying to support them and protect them and ensure that this entire situation they’ve gotten themselves into isn’t in vain. Levi’s expression as he looks back at Furlan here is heartbreakingly earnest.  He looks open and vulnerable, as if imploring Furlan to understand.

And Furlan looks back, and finally realizes what Levi is trying to tell him.  And when he realizes it, he smiles, and laughs.  Because he realizes Levi is doing this for him, and for Isabel, and for Flagon and Sairam, even.  He realizes Levi truly means well here, and has made the choice he has after deep thought and consideration.  That this isn’t an impulsive or hotheaded choice, that he IS thinking clearly.  Levi is confused by his reaction, and Furlan keeps laughing along with Isabel, before telling Levi “Fine.  I’ll trust you.”, giving Levi the same regard Levi before showed him before, in agreeing to follow Furlan’s plan.  Furlan chooses to trust in Levi’s decision making, chooses to trust in Levi’s own plan now.  And then he tells Levi not to die, and Isabel tells him to make sure he comes back. They’re scared for him, but they’re choosing to trust him.

We get a significant panel then, as Furlan and Isabel fall back from him, and Levi looks back at them, as if still uncertain in his choice, despite all the thought he put into it. He’s still filled with self-doubt, even as Furlan had just moments before expressed belief in him.  Like he thinks there’s something he must be missing, even though he’s sure he thought out every possible scenario and reason for choosing as he did.

What’s important too, in understanding Levi’s choice, is that it never once occurs to him that Furlan and Isabel could die.  He thinks Flagon and Sairam potentially will, if they all leave them behind, and he thinks he himself might, if he strikes out on his own.  But he never thinks it a possibility that Furlan and Isabel could. He chooses then, in that moment, to also trust in the strength of his friends.  He shows absolute belief in Furlan’s and Isabel’s strength, to the point that he believes Flagon and Sairam need them, more than he does.  It isn’t even a thought Levi can entertain, that him choosing to leave will put Isabel and Furlan’s lives in danger.  With all the consideration he does, all the thought he puts into making the right choice, it simply isn’t conceivable to him, that his friends could die.  If he had thought that a possibility, if such a scenario had occurred to him, he never would have left.  He genuinely believed, if all four of them stuck together, they would be alright, even if he himself wasn’t.

A few others points of note in this chapter.

When Isabel and Furlan meet up with Flagon and Sairam again, and Sairam asks if Levi is dead, Isabel reacts violently, screaming “Of course he isn’t!!  Levi will come back.  Bet on it!”. This emphasizes, in a truly heartbreaking way, Isabel’s own faith in Levi, and her need to believe he’ll be alright. She insists that Levi will come back, and this builds off of Isabel’s continued refrain throughout the story of how Levi is “the strongest”, both below and above.  Levi is Isabel’s hero, and she clings to his perceived strength in this moment, needing to believe in it to comfort herself over his safety.

This runs parallel then to Levi coming upon the butchered squad from the first rank, and his horrified realization that there are at least four Titans that did this, and that they’re heading back the way Levi came from, meaning right for Isabel and Furlan and Flagon and Sairam.  He immediately turns around and tries in a frantic dash to make it back in time, thinking desperately to himself that there’s too many Titans, and they’ll be overwhelmed. And then he comes upon the sight of Sairam being eaten, and he cries out for Furlan and Isabel.  

Truly the most heartbreaking part about this entire scene is how Levi tries so desperately to make it to his friends in time, but how he just simply isn’t near enough too, and can only watch, then, as they die.  For Levi, who’s entire identity revolves around wanting to help others, to protect others, his own helplessness in this situation must be truly horrific for him. And especially, his own helplessness in watching the two people that mean the most in the world to him get eaten alive.

Another truly heartbreaking moment here is how Isabel decides, in Levi’s absence, that she’s going to take on his role as protector, and save everyone.  How Isabel’s admiration and hero worship of Levi is, indirectly, what gets her killed here.  She wants to be just like him, and in trying to be like him, she ends up dying.  All of this happens in front of Levi.  He has to watch Isabel die while trying to do the thing he’s made himself responsible for, which is protecting the lives of others. And the way she starts to call out for him, right before the Titan’s jaws close around her, is truly gut wrenching. Levi’s expression here is one of such utter horror and shock too, before it turns to sudden, murderous rage, and he tries once more to close the distance and make it in time, only to have to watch both Flagon, and then Furlan both get eaten too.

Levi thinks to himself, as Furlan’s being lifted to the Titan’s mouth “I’m going to end up letting everyone die.”  Before screaming out Furlan’s name.  Levi is already blaming himself, already feeling the abject weight of his failure. This is the moment when he realizes his choice was the wrong one.

Furlan, in one of the saddest moments of all, finally sees Levi and, as if to say ‘it’s okay.  This isn’t your fault’, waves to him in acknowledgment.

Maybe most cruel of all is how Levi, even in the face of his overwhelming fear and horror and self-hatred, clings desperately to hope, still trying with everything he has to make it in time to save at least one of his friends.  He thinks to himself “Come on, make it in time!!”, and only to make it more tragic still, he almost DOES make it in time, just barely a moment too late as he slices off the hand of the Titan that had been holding Furlan.  Levi misses saving Furlan’s life by mere moments. It’s truly the definition of tragic, and beyond traumatizing.  

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for chapter 7.  I’m off to read chapter 8 next, and that’ll be a wrap!

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #No Regrets #Levi Ackerman #Furlan Church #isabel magnolia #Erwin Smith #snk analysis