#ok so im on my break from writing an important paper and I was like uh lets see how the game is going and as soon as i tunned in com+

[schizosupport]

one time during a psychotic episode I was convinced I had did / was part of a system. I experienced what I perceived as switches and such. when I started getting better I realized that wasn't what was happening. it was very real to me while it was happening though and im just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar. I feel bad because I dont wanna be one of those people who fakes did, but thats really not what I was doing, and I dont know how to put it in a context that doesn't make me feel bad about it. sometimes I miss who I thought of as alters at the time but I suppose were really just. delusional headspaces.

Hey there!!

Ok so I think it's important to add the context to my answer, that I have a different approach to/understanding of these questions than both many people in the respective communities, as well as many professionals. Nevertheless, since I'm not writing a research paper, but rather, providing a personal take on the question, I hope that you will bear with me!

So in my somewhat radical opinion, it doesn't much matter whether you experienced what you did because of DID or because of a delusion caused by psychisis.

Alters, as well as delusions, are products of the mind. It doesn't mean that delusions don't FEEL real, it doesn't mean that alters don't truly experience themselves as separate entities, but it IS worth keeping in mind that one of these experiences is not inherently more "valid" than the other.

Delusions are often of a negative, harmful nature, while alters are often a helpful coping tool, but that is FAR from being a universal rule.

I used to think I had something like OSDD, then a psych convinced me the 'others' were delusions of control (and as a result for a while I suppose they were), but today we just kind of co-exist somewhere on the border between psychosis, identity compartmentalization, ipseity disturbance, dissociation, method acting as coping and general identity confusion..

After years of wading through the professional and community discourse, on my own personal journey with the topic, this is what I think:

It seems to me that the discourse surrounding the acceptable causes of identity dissociation and amnesia in DID/OSDD, has ended up with a situation where DID identity compartmentalization is seen as the only "real" aka "valid" experience of identity fragmentation.

It would appear that this debate, which to me seems largely to be a matter of categorization and definition, has been warped to the point where people like you end up feeling bad for having been "faking DID" while in fact you have done no such thing, and furthermore having your legitimate grief at the loss of people/alters YOU experienced as real, be invalidated and belittled (by yourself, if not others).

Anon, I'm sorry for your loss. Jesus fuck, I'm sorry. Who cares what the others "really were" or "why they're gone"... You experienced them as people in your life, people you had relationships with, people you could rely on - ofc it hurts to lose them.

Of course you are grieving.

"Just delusional headspaces" is such a telling turn of phrase, and it breaks my heart. It really does.

So often we psychotic people are expected to be "over it" the moment we are not actively delusional. As if we don't get traumatized when we think we are going to be killed. As if we don't grief the relationship we built completely in our head, when it turns out not to be 'real'?

Identity.. personality.. headspaces.. they are no more real or no more fake dependent on their underlying cause..

I understand why the dissociative community are protective of their alters, I understand the need to say "this is not psychosis! These experiences are real!" ... I truly do, and I don't think it's a meaningless distinction, either.

But it's setting up a false dichotomy. Because the truth is that ultimately both delusions and alters are a thing the brain does. It's not THE SAME THING, but they are similar in the way that they are experienced internally as very real.

And I think that accepting the existence of alters as "real and valid" is important, but I don't think it should (or needs to) come at the expense of people who experience delusions, (or identity compartmentalization for any other reason).

In my experience, identity compartmentalization, that isn't coming out as scary delusions of control, is usually among the healthier coping mechanisms, delusional or not.

And creating a culture where having DID/OSDD is the only acceptable "valid" version æ variety of this type of experience is really not helpful for anyone. For one thing, it means that people with these types of experiences will be extremely prone to assume that they must have DID, potentially to the point of delusion, potentially to the point of making themselves more ill (developing amnesia, inducing memories etc) - and when it turns out they DON'T have DID, they will be terrified that they were "faking", when in fact they were just acting according to their current best understanding of themselves..

Not to mention, they will feel the obligation to bury any hint of identity compartmentalization within themselves, to conform to a social world that insists these experiences are "problematic" by virtue of being "not real", somehow.

.....ok I think I went off on a whole ass rant...

Was this helpful at all, anon?

#answers

[reminiscentreader]

Love your fics!😩 Can u write one where there is an event the Hawthornes+Avery have to attend but they haven’t left the house cuz Grayson is late and everyone is confused, and then one of his brothers come to check on him in his room only to find out he’s asleep cuz he’s feeling sick, and then that brother stays with him??😭

Thank you for being so patient! I’ve been wanting to write this for a while but I’ve been really busy 😭

Anyways hope you enjoy xx

_________________________________________

Jameson

The annual Hawthorne gala, Hundreds of important rich people from al over the world coming to see the Hawthorne heiress, my Hawthorne heiress. I watch as Avery slips on her deep green dress, it fits her perfectly, she is perfect, “Jamie,” I sit up a little straighter, “zip me up will you?” I make my way off our bed and towards her “of course heiress.” After I zip up her dress I rest my hands on her shoulders and tuck my head into the crook of her head, “you look so beautiful tonight heiress” I reach my hand out to stroke down her braid, “I love you” Avery leans down and presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, “I love you too.”

Grayson

I feel awful. I don’t ever get sick but right now I feel like curling into a ball and dying, I can barely stand up or see and there are tears streaming my face. I hate how vulnerable I’ve made myself, I’m ment to be attending the annual gala for goodness sake, so if I don’t sort myself out in the next five minutes, I’m fucked. I desperately try to make my way to the bathroom but I’m hopelessy stumbling around, tears blurring my vision. What would the old man say if he saw me now? Your letting yourself get sick Grayson? Hawthornes don’t get sick. They are fighters. We don’t let anything get in the way. Kill yourself tobias, is what I would’ve probably thought if he wasn’t already dead.

I don’t know how long I’ve had my head stuck in this toilet for, violently vomiting to the point of passing out, I suddenly feel light headed, maybe I should get some sleep, maybe I should take a break from work? No. Weak.

weak.

weak.

weak.

weak.

weak….

Nash

I clap my hands to get everyone’s attention, “Right ya’ll, everyone here ready to go?” 7 heads nod back at me, “alright let’s head to the car room.” About five minutes into walking Avery exclaims, “Grayson, Have you got the papers we need?” Nobody responds. “G-Grayson?” Everyone starts to look around murmuring, “Now where the hell ‘as Gray gone.” I say looking for him in the crowd of people following me, “Jesus Christ, did anyone see him come out?” Again in response I get a couple of murmurs, “Nobody?” They all shake there heads, “Guess I’ll go find him then.”

After walking all the way back to the house, I was starting to wonder if Grayson wasn’t even in the state, maybe he went to go visit his sister or something, nah, I know gray wouldn’t miss this if he was half dying. I’d stopped to ask one of the maids if they’d seen him, “M-mister Hawthorne hasn’t been out of his wing all day.” I quickly thanked her with the tip of my hat and headed towards graysons wing.

so here I am, stood outside graysons wing I’ve already knocked five times, five times with no response, “GRAYSON DAVENPORT HAWTHORNE I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT OPEN THIS DOOR IN 5 SECONDS IM KNOCKING IT DOWN.” No response. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.., still nothing, I know how much grayson hates privacy invaders, but it’s for his own safety, he could be dead in there for fucks sake. So Nash kicked down the door.

Grayson

the first thing I heard when I woke up was the bang of what I assumed to be someone kicking down my door, I tried to pull myself up, to see who it was, but I couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything without it hurting, the next thing I saw was Nash standing at the bathroom door, “oh gray” Nash knealed down to my level and pushed a bit of hair that had fell into my eyes away, “what’s up?” I only grunted in response, I didn’t trust myself, “ok gray let’s get you into bed.” He helped me up, I was shaking so badly, I was tired, so so so tired. I fell asleep almost immediately, I heard Nash pull up a chair next to my bed and say something like, “Get some rest gray, please.” He helped me into my bed and the minute my head hit the pillow I fell fast asleep.

—————————————————————

Nash stayed with Grayson that night, and when his brothers arrived home, he did not tell them what had happened, he simply let them guess, when Grayson woke up, he did take a break from work. The night Grayson Hawthorne missed the annual Hawthorne gala, would become a secret between the two oldest Hawthornes, that the others would never found out about.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><> I am so so so sorry for how long this took 😭 I really hope you enjoyed it ❤️❤️

#the inheritance games #grayson hawthorne #jameson hawthorne #the final gambit #nash hawthorne #the brothers hawthorne #the hawthorne legacy #avery grambs #xander hawthorne #the hawthorne brothers

[daydadahlias]

What is the difference to you between Wattpad fic and non Wattpad fic? Genuinely asking. Isn't fic just fic and quality is going to vary regardless of where it gets posted? Also i think to me at least, x reader fic is kind of synonymous with Wattpad so how can you "condemn" one but not the other? Interested to hear your thoughts :)

ok so it is 1 am and I just finished writing a vEry bad paper so my brain is not firing on all cylinders rn. thus, pls forgive me for not being the most articulate.

I would like to first say that all of this is just my Jess Opinion so I’m not trying to make you disagree or agree w/ me and I’m not stating any of this as fact. These are just my personal thoughts that I state with authority and passion bc that’s how I talk :) ok!!

Obviously I don’t actually “condemn” any authors lmfao I was just being dramatic for comedic affect. Im not asking to burn any wattpad authors at the stake or anything. However, there is definitely a distinct difference between wattpad fic and ao3 fic, so much so that I can literally read a fic on ao3 and tell when it has been cross posted from wattpad.

Fic quality actually does not vary as much as you think dependent on platform. Usually people write amongst groups of likeminded people and similar writing styles so your writing style can be influenced a Lot by the platform you post on. Sure there’s an outlier here and there but pretty much all wattpad fic is simply Not written well for a variety of reasons.

My most personal beef from wattpad stems from their crack ass horrible garbage stupid bitch fuck ratchet tagging system.

On wattpad, there is NO way to trigger warn or appropriately tag for content or, as a reader, filter out content you don’t want to see. Unless an author specifically includes something in an author note about content warnings (which they Don’t do for the most part because no one else on the platform does so why would they break fhe mold??)

This means that when you read Most wattpad fics, you don’t know what kind of content you’re going to encounter. Often times, this content ends up being blatant internalized misogyny, domestic abuse, and/or dub-con handled with no tact or understanding for the problematicism of the subject matter :)

I don’t personally read x reader (bc I’m an aroace person so I’m just not the audience for it lol) but I certainly don’t knock people that write it. It’s a very valid form of writing/expression and there are plenty of very talented x reader writers on tumblr that I respect a lot. So that’s why I made the differentiation.

A lot of the x reader writers on tumblr are adults whereas wattpad is primarily comprised of children (when I say children I mean as broad a range as 9-16).

Because ao3 is regarded as “confusing” to a lot of young people just now getting into fanfic (ie. me when I was 12), they post on wattpad (or quotev, which is where I posted lol) because it is a platform made to be accessible for primarily adolescents.

This means that the bulk of fics you’re finding on wattpad are written by teenagers; often, straight female teenagers who have not had comprehensive sex education, do not understand the full spectrum of consent, have only consumed media that pushes damaging heteronormative expectations when it comes to romance, and are reading stories written by other adolescents who don’t understand these topics either!!! It’s usually a case of the blind leading the blind.

I don’t inherently think of wattpad being synonymous with x reader considering there is slash on there too. I instead consider it synonymous with adolescent writing. And, as we’ve established a few times now, I’m an adult who does not feel comfortable reading about children or reading the writing of children.

While there’s nothing wrong with kids learning how to write and becoming comfortable with their craft (and while I think it is important for them to have those outlets as it was for me), wattpad writers never really tend to grow out of that because that’s what basically All the content on wattpad is. They continuously feed into a loop of misinformation that they perpetuate the cycle of by not understanding the content they’re consuming is inappropriate and incorrect (I’m talking about romantic portrayals of abuse/assault and the glamorization of abusive men).

Young teens using wattpad makes sense to me. It really does. I used quotev so I don’t have room to talk. I can say, however, that I don’t like it, considering how permeated wattpad is with untagged rape and domestic violence that teaches young consumers really damaging perspectives about romance but… I know kids genuinely don’t know any better and have not been given an outlet to know better when our sex education system fails to teach us even the slightest bit of porn literacy… but that’s neither here nor there. And I often times make fanfic a deeper conversation than it needs to be :)

#and scene #take a deep breath #my thoughts :) #all personal no one is allowed to argue w/ me bc I’m not saying these things are fact #pigeon #anon #I luv how long this is #I spent 23 minutes typing this answer wow #jessay #that really was a jessay geez

[sannylity]

with all the information we now have about the Artistic Director x Prostitute AU, what do you imagine that the finished product/show would wind up being?? i have no fucking idea what it would be. thinking about it being a romantic tragedy (like romeo and juliet) with a happy ending (unlike romeo and juliet)

also mariana being good with kids is just so fucking sweet!! i was imagining charlie being like "hey i need to go pick someone up, but they'll have to stick around until rehearsal ends, is that fine?" and marianas like "yeah okay." and it was half an excuse to get away from the director and half because he actually needed to pick up juanaflippa from afterschool care. he could only pay for so much time that people could watch her after school.

so she got buckled up and he was like "ok flippa, we need to head back to where papa's working for now, because its vital- that means important- that im there, and uncle wilbur will be busy with the band today, so he cant watch you, okay?" she just nods excitedly and uses sign language to say 'where are we going?' he smiles and starts the car back up. 'the theater.'

meanwhile marianas helping direct some of the smaller scenes- charlie and/or her wont be in all of them, of course- and its been a hot minute, so hes actually starting to worry about if charlie had run off-

"hey guys, i'm back! sorry that took so long, the afterschool care receptionist was a bitch." the others are excited to see charlie back, and get even more curious when they notice the little figure hiding behind his leg. "aw, come on mi huevita, don't be shy!" the girl steps out from behind him and starts writing on a paper, holding it up for everyone to see. 'hi everyone! my name is juanaflippa! sorry i took away papa, he needed to pick me up!' everyone melts, and mariana looks over, confused.

"ey, i know slime is back, but-" then she sees the little girl looking over at him, and trans bilingual recognizes trans bilingual.

idk idk maybe im just being too goofy silly about this au grgrgrgrgr

-💫

Hello again 💫 anon!!

Hmm… To answer your question, I find Mariana’s plays would be dark and tragic and this may just be his first try on romance that’s why he is the most picky and particular in choosing the main protagonist. I like the juxtaposition of him falling in love with Charlie as something more precious and delicate while producing something dark and twisted and sensual and ambitious and ultimately tragic :D. Y’know like how a sweet man like Guillermo Del Toro produces cryptic and dark horrors before? That’s kinda like Mariana lmaoo

I feel like while Mariana is strict and very serious with his work, he completely melts around children (his nephew Bobby), but especially with Juanaflippa.

Their first time meeting is definitely out of Charlie’s control because he has been keeping his work and personal life completely separate because he didn’t trust Mariana (yet). But let’s say his usual babysitter got sick, so he had to dreadfully bring Juanaflippa with him to work and she does something that completely catches everyone off guard. Like, running up to Mariana, hugging his leg and calling him her mama lol

Charlie is mortified and tries to salvage the embarrassing moment but Mariana is absolutely endeared and before Charlie could pry her off his leg, Mariana picks her up and it’s like they get lost in their own little world.

It’s the first time something like that happened and Charlie watches the pair with wide eyes. Soon, almost immediately enamored when Mariana makes Juanaflippa laugh and all he could do is throw caution in the wind and join them.

Needless to say, the cast and crew are shocked that stone cold artistic director is playing house with his co-star and his daughter.

From there, everything runs seamlessly between them once break was over and they return to their scenes.

And don’t worry about being goofy and silly, it’s part of the charm in coming up with your own ideas <3

[mqfx]

i think i would need to see mqfx in an entirely different light before i would believe they would enjoy being humiliated. possibly because its also just not my thing although i have thought about what must be appealing about it (the joy, the release of understanding that someone sees you as imperfect but is still interested in a relationship with you? the realization that even if someone does believe these things they're saying they still want to at the very least have sex? feel free to correct me if this isnt actually the appeal ive just come to this conclusion on my own)

ANYWAY. i think i'd have to view their squabbling in an entirely different light, like one or both of them doesn't have their heart really in it and are keeping up their side of the argument for pride's sake or! maybe everyday life behaviors have absolutely no connection whatsoever to what one enjoys sexually (<- totally possible, what do i know)

tldr im on your side the fighting might be homoerotic but perhaps not in that flavor exactly

good morning anon <3 i'm awake now (kinda) and my lawyer can't do shit to meeeeeee so let's talk about it

ok for everyone who didn't see the post i deleted, the tldr of what i said was: "i don't think any of the xianle 4 would be into degradation. hc bc he'd kill himself before being mean to xl, xl bc he wouldn't keep a straight face, and mq/fx would literally just argue. on the other hand i think if either mq or fx were somehow sincere enough to tell the other person "you are good" they'd finish too fast (crass! my lawyer disapproved!!) so. can't praise each other bc they'd both like it too much, can't insult each other bc then they'd have to pause sex for a fistfight break. sad!" <- paraphrasing but it was funnier last night

i'm not qualified to address the first thing bc i didn't take kink studies in college (we DID have one, hashtag liberal arts!! but i was busy doing REAL work pestering my old man and drinking in stats class) but that's probably true at least for some people bc everyone always has a different reason for these things. it's subversive, it's pain under control in a safe environment, it's reaffirming, it's addressing trauma, sometimes even self harm so watch out! (sex, like any action, can be detrimental if you're not careful, but that is not the action's fault)

the second thing i CAN address (points to my nametag) SO: i don't think either mq or fx are the type to do anything by halves they're both passionate (fx obviously, mq within the many layers of his artichoke* heart) so i do think every argument they have is real and not just for pride's sake. if either of them didn't wanna argue they just wouldn't and the other guy would be like "um......what's wrong w u 🤨 (concern disguised as suspicion)"

i Wouldn't say that daily life has no connection at all to kinks but that's a discussion i'm not having on my sideblog (tldr: these european fuckos have been arguing about sublimation** and libido longer than i've been alive. Scholar Charlie assumes that whatever doesn't get sublimated finds its way into one's sex life and vice versa but don't quote me on thiiiiiisss i should've taken that damn class fr)

as a sidenote: what we might find hot is not necessarily what the characters might find hot. not to lend personhood to the narrative devices (especially when fanfiction is literally the "play with them like paper dolls" genre of writing) but it's an important distinction to make as readers and writers. like do i think for example that mq's emotional repression and torment is hot? very. do you think He's enjoying it??? jury's out (though with melancholic types one Must assume they derive some relief, even if harmful, from flagellation)

back to the important matter of mqfx's hypothetical sex life: in canon they insult each other in equal measure and there's no one in that situation who is actively/consistently made to feel lower than the other (whether they actually do is incidental). it's not that their squabbles Wouldn't make it to the bed but it simply doesn't count as degradation. argument (equal) ≠ degradation (power dynamic). am i saying it's impossible for them to have ANY S/M thing going on?? also no bc as mentioned before i think mq views Everything as a power struggle, but fx also strikes me as the type of guy who would really really like getting called good boy but he doesn't know this about himself. for that matter mq would probably like some praise too he's just way more roundabout with it

this is aaaaaaallllll a very convoluted way of saying "yes the fighting is still homoerotic, not on the basis of unequal standing but because they're equals. i don't think they specifically find the insult aspect of fighting hot, and in fact some mutual kindess would be nice. would they do it that way though? idk"

ok gotta get ready for smth this took me 2 hours to think. byeeeee

*here i got distracted looking for artichoke facts bc i saw on my gramma's cooking show that it's basically a thistle and it's got a spiny center you gotta scoop out before eating. anyway it's from the mediterranean! so don't use it in canon-compliant fic lol

**death in venice is in that wiki article :( why did my ex-mutual leave meeeeeeeee (<- divorced)

#hewwo #asks #anonymous #LONG POST #new rule is i shouldn't talk while either sleepy or caffeinated. aaaaaand post

[nickelstudy]

TOPIK II Review

It's been a while since the test has come out so I figure I should take the time to write about it before my memory fades away more than it does now.

Here is my 89th TOPIK II result!

As you can see, it's not a lot, and not up to my expectation either.. bUT it's pretty decent for the first-timer. A little salty that I could have got 4급 if I earned 2 more points.

Let's start from going there. The test location was a place I'd never been to, plus I had no one to escort me there so it was a pain going alone. It took only 21 Baht (around 0.6 USD) to get there. Pretty cheap!

The test location was a campus so when I arrived I was confused about where I should settle. I wound up at a cafeteria, seeing how it would rain soon (which I was correct hah!) I had lunch and prepared for the exam. I don't think I read any stuff at that point. My knowledge was pretty much saturated and couldn't intake any more words or grammar. Ok and so I walked out in the rain to get to the building where I would have a test. It didn't rain hard so it was alright.

SO, right when I entered the exam room, a Korean exam invigilator (i don't know the common term send help) asked me what my exam number was so that she could find my seat in Korean. The problem is I FORGOT MY NUMBER DESPITE REMEMBERING IT IN ADVANCE. What was worse is I had already turned off my phone so I couldn't look it up. So I answered shits like "번호를- 잊어버렸어요" See how i didn't even use a more polite form (lmfao). Anyway, she went and picked up a list of test examinees which contained everyone's faces... (im scared) but then I realized, it was in the test paper I brought along!

They didn't let us use our own stationery. These were what they gave.

A two-sided black marker. One side for writing and the other for filling a circle

That's it... wait... how am I gonna change my ans-

WELL You could ask for a correction tape that got shared around the room. Fun fact, I barely have experience using it so I was nervous about whether I would fuck it up or not.

Ok, enough nonsense. Let's talk about the test

Listening（듣기）

It was hard. I struggled a lot trying to understand the choices in one glance while listening to the conversation. There wasn't much to be said. I was so done at the 3rd or 4th question. I think if one space out for just 2 seconds, it's going to be hard to catch up, especially with an amateur like me.

Writing (쓰기)

The first two weren't that easy. It took a while to understand what they were about and I managed to fill in the answers.

Number 52 was talking about 갈증. I didn't know what it meant and I don't think they expected us to know either. (gotta figure it out by context amirite)

Quote from a conversation I had with my friend

"There was a part where it's about the sugar component in the juice would make the water inside your body go out or sth idk Because they mention 물이 빠져나가면 so I assume it's that But the problem is idk what to write exactly It's like sth sth 성분은 몸 안의 물이 (...). 빠져나가게 할 것이다?? 될 것이다??? I DON'T KNOW WHY WAS IT 물이 and not 물을 ??? or maybe I was stupid and I don't include the important part so you can't help me now Could it be 부족하게 instead? Idk"

For the 53th problem, I know how to space when writing in a Wongoji paper. BUT I forgot to NOT space after a period (it's a habit from Japanese). After 2 sentences I realized it and tried not to do it again but then I DID IT AGAIN. The content I wrote is decent, I belive. but the spacing...

The last one is about discovering talent, why is it good? How does one do it? I didn't have time to write it ofc. It was like 2 minutes left.

Reading (읽기)

I took too long at the start. Yes, it got progressively harder as I did. I was at the 33rd out of 50 when the time ran out. Nothing out of my expectations to be honest. So yes, I blind-guessed the rest and somehow got more than halves

Other stuff

So when they let us break after the writing section. I tried to go down stairs and get some air. The test was rough haha. They didn't let us go to the 1st floor! They even thought I was going to use a toilet lmfao.

Anyway, it was raining after everything ended. I walked a bit to get to the bus stop and headed back without buying any of the stuff there. End of the story.

Thank you for reading! It was super fun trying out the exam. I'm not going to take a test in the near future for sure because the price is costly. It's not my end goal either! I just want to understand what Korean artists write in their work.

After this (which is right now) I'm focusing more on JLPT N1. I'll write about my method and some updates soon.

#log #KRlog #KR

[ivyglow]

Beezer's interview | PHI vs WSH - May 7, 2021

#my videos #ok so im on my break from writing an important paper and I was like uh lets see how the game is going and as soon as i tunned in com+ #breaks and then boom beezer #so I was like yay #I figured I could record and post for those who are not watching the game like me *cries gently* #I may gif it too #only if my break allows #not sure how much rest I need lol #anyway #sorry for the rant #I don't even think yall will read the tags kajsakjs #bye #wish me luck! #flyers lb #philadelphia #philly #joel farabee #young beezy

[loostssoul]

if you kissed me - Rodrick Heffley | 1.9k

Yeah yeah i know i haven't written since a million years ago. and yeah yeah i know this is my first real fanfiction i posted on tumblr. fair warning, i'm not the best writer, i honestly just do this for fun and i'm totally up to criticism because i do want to make my writing better. if this is literally inaccurate, im sorry its been like 5 years since i've read the books. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this fluff-fest that I created in the span of a few hours.

paring: rodrick x reader genre: fluff. lots of fluff

Credits to the maker of the picture! 15 Days till the Contest | 9:42 PM, Saturday

Plick, plick, plick

My speakers were blasting so loud I almost didn’t hear the sound of pebbles hitting my window.

Plick, plick, plick

I rubbed my eyes and slammed my laptop shut, walking toward my bedroom window. Peering down, I saw a figure a few yards down from my second-story bedroom, looking back up at me. Dark brown, messy hair that stuck up around his face. A red and black flannel, black ripped jeans, and, (of course) a tee-shirt with “Loded Diper” clumsily written on it. A grin spread on his face as he saw my face come into his view, causing me to blush. Rodrick Heffley, Crossland High bad boy, and my boyfriend.

I unlocked the latch to my window and stuck my head out, taking in the cool air and letting the neighbors enjoy the music I was playing (they never did). I looked down.

“Y/N!” He whisper-yelled

“Evening, Heffley.”

“I need to tell you something!”

“What’s so important that you have to scratch my window instead of using the power of modern technology to call me?”

His mouth opened to give me a response, but nothing came out. I smirked, “Come on up.”

I opened the window wider as he climbed the trellis that lined the back of my house. I backed up to my door and locked it. Precautions, my parents liked Rodrick but they definitely wouldn’t approve of him in my room at night. I looked back and I saw him, every feature of him illuminated by the light of my room. His cheeky smile and chocolate brown eyes. He slowly closed the window and walked toward me, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. I still got butterflies whenever he touched me.

“Hey, Spiderman. What did ya climb in here to tell me?” I asked

“I got Loded Diper into a contest.”

My eyes widened, Loded Diper, my boyfriend’s rock band, wasn’t exactly known for being the best. It was mostly known for his mom’s insane dance moves during the Plainview Talent Show. But of course, i'll never say that in front of his face.

“You did?! That’s awesome Rodrick!”

“Yeah! It's a battle of the bands contest, we’re going against two other bands. I really think this is gonna be our big break!” His eyes sparkled in excitement.

His happiness was contagious, he was like a goddamn puppy. I pulled him into my arms. “I’m proud of you Rod.” I muttered and smiled into his collarbone. I felt him inhale the scent of my hair and twirl my locks around his fingers.

“Hey,” he said, breaking the hug. “I’m having practice tomorrow with the band, you wanna come?”

“Sure. I go to every practice anyway, why miss out on this one?” I shrugged.

He chuckled and looked at me. Really looked at me. That’s one of the reasons why I fell for him. It never seemed like it, but he paid attention. We’ve only been dating for 4 months, but he knew me like no one else did, and I knew that in the way he looked at me. I felt his hand cup my face, his thumb rubbing my cheek in small circles. I looked up at him, noticing how tall he was, how close he was. Was I the one who leaned in? Was he the one who leaned in? Did we just do it subconsciously? Did he want this? Was he ready? Was I ready?

The ringing of Rodrick’s phone filled the room. The daze we were trapped in was gone and we separated, our faces red. Rodrick picked up the phone, it was his mom.

“Yeah, mom? Mom...I’m in the middle of something. I’ll do laundry later, ok? Now? C’mon… Alright, fine. Bye.” He hung up. “Sorry, I gotta blast.”

“It’s fine, I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked him as he started toward my window.

He looked back at me and planted a kiss on my forehead, the farthest we’ve ever gone with physical touch as a couple.

“Tomorrow”

~~✰✰✰~~

14 Days till the Contest | 1:22 PM, Saturday afternoon

“Should we take it from the top?”

Practice wasn’t going so well. I could feel the nervousness, the tension. Drums were slightly off beat, the guitarist’s fingers would fly to the wrong places on the fretboard, lyrics would go all over the place. The contest was two weeks away, and Loded Diper was already feeling the anxiousness. I sat on the floor of the garage, on top of a picnic blanket I found. To Rodrick’s dismay, his mom forced him to let Greg watch band practice, as a form of “brother-to-brother bonding time.” Greg sat next to me, mockingly covering his ears.

“Oh thank god, it's done.” Greg said with an immense amount of sarcasm and uncovering his ears.

Rodrick threw a crumpled-up piece of paper at his head, “Shut up.”

“Both of you, be nice.” I laughed. “I think you guys should take a break for a while, maybe shake off the nerves.”

“Good idea Y/N, 20 minute break everyone!” The lead singer said. Everyone spread out, grabbing a piece of pizza ordered earlier and laying down. Greg ran out of the garage, yelling, “I’m free!”

Rodrick stood up and began gulping down a bottle of water. He wore a black tanktop and black ripped jeans, sweat dripping down his forehead. I ran up behind him and wrapped my arms around his torso. He turned and faced me, running his hands through my hair, lost in thought.

“You ok, Rod?” I asked him.

He sighed, “nerves”

I leaned my head on his chest, “You’re gonna do great, you’ve done so many gigs in the past. Think of this as one of those!”

He smiled at me, “You know what would make me feel a lot less nervous?”

“Oh god. What?”

A really common thing Rodrick did was try to bargain a kiss on the lips from me. It's been an ongoing joke, a meaningless bit he did all the time. I’ll do my homework if you kissed me on the lips. I’ll smile in the picture if you kissed me on the lips. It still hasn’t worked.

“I might be less nervous if you kissed me on the lips.” He whispered to me.

I rolled my eyes, “If that’s what it takes then I think you’ll lose the competition.”

He let go of me and laughed, my favorite laugh. “Worth a try.” He shrugged, going off to join his bandmates and the pizza. But as I watched him smile and laugh with his friends, I lost myself. I thought about the previous night. The way we fit into each other, the closeness, the fact that was so close that I could see my reflection in his eyes.

Maybe I should just say yes.

~~✰✰✰~~

The Day of the Contest

For the past 2 weeks, Rodrick has given me the “kiss-bargain” joke 9 times. Every time, I deflected it with sarcastic remarks, and every time I regretted not agreeing.

I sat on the front steps of my porch, waiting for Rodrick to pick me up. I regretted the jean shorts and plain black tee-shirt I had on, as a cold breeze brushed my skin. I pulled my black leather jacket on, which I painted “Loded Diper” on the back in white paint. Then, I heard it. The echo of heavy metal turned to full blast, and… the faint sound of something big getting knocked over. Oh god, they’re here. The white van with “Loded Diper” written in huge words screeched to a halt in front of my house.

The window rolled down, revealing my boyfriend and his excited grin. “Get in.”

~~✰✰✰~~

30 minutes till Loded Diper preforms

It felt surreal to be backstage, and really exciting. Energy was flowing through the room, as all the other bands talked and played. The rest of the band members seemed excited, full of adrenaline. Except for Rodrick, he’s been nervous ever since soundcheck. His leg was bouncing,he twirled his drumsticks around, drumming them on random objects, and his eyes stared into nothing.

“Rodrick, you want me to do your eyeliner?”

“Huh?” He didn’t take his eyes away from the ground, his voice seemed far away.

I lifted a liquid eyeliner pen I had in my pocket, “Eyeliner. I just did mine, we can match!”

He lifted his head and noticed me. I had my eyeliner smudged, just like he always does during a gig. He grinned, “Yeah. Yeah sure.”

I’ve done his eyeliner many times in the past, and I loved doing it because I had to be as close to him as possible. So I hopped onto his lap, pressing myself close to him, trying to comfort him with my warmth.

“Close your eyes.” I ordered.

As I applied his eyeliner, I could feel his heartbeat against my chest. It was heavy, and fast. I’m pretty sure I would still hear it if I wasn’t as close to him as I was, even though the loud music blasting through the theatre.

“Done”

He opened his eyes, and butterflies flooded my stomach. We were close. Very close. Should I do it? Should I lean in?

Rodrick probably sensed my flustered-ness. He smirked, “Cat got your tongue?”

I rolled my eyes, blushing hard. “Shut up.” I said, playfully punching him.

~~✰✰✰~~

“5 Minutes until Loded Diper performs!” A man exclaimed to us.

Rodrick was as nervous as ever. We’ve been standing on the left wing of the stage, watching the other bands play. It felt like a bunch of Loded Diper copy-pastes. A bunch of high schoolers, weird names, very aggressive playing. But they were still pretty good. Rodrick was biting the nails of one of his hands and tapping his other hand on the wall behind him. I looked up at him and held his hand, stopping it from fidgeting. He smiled nervously.

Now or never Y/N…

“Hey, you said that if I kiss you, you won’t be as nervous. Right?”

He looked at me, wide eyed. He seemed to be trying to compute what I said.

I stood on tiptoe and put his face in my hands. It was that night all over again. Every detail of his face, of him was in full view. His eyes, his eyeliner, his scent, his lips. I leaned in.

His lips were soft against mine, but they were tense, flustered. I was terrified, It was the wrong place, the wrong time. Until I felt one hand in my hair, another on my waist, pulling me closer.

How long was the kiss? A few seconds? It felt like minutes, hours. Sparked ignited. Butterflies flew in my stomach. His scent was the only thing I smelled, his warmth was the only thing I felt. The music faded away. Everything faded away. It was just him and I. Until we broke apart, taking in deep breaths of each other. We wanted more, but Loded Diper was playing in a few seconds.

“Hey, Rodrick.”

“Yeah?”

“If you win I’ll kiss you again”

We both knew I would kiss him regardless.

I didn't edit this because editing is for wimps (just kidding be responsible and edit your work)

please like and reblog because it gives me serotonin and i need that

#rodrick x reader #rodrick heffley #diary of a wimpy kid #rodrick rules #diary of a wimpy kid rodrick #fanfiction #rodrick heffley x reader #doawk #devon bostick

[hisuianwilds]

unexpected day (espresso/madeleine)

do you ever impulsively write an espresseleine fic or is it just me dont mind all the typo, english aint my first language and im running on a 5 hours night :pensive: if??? you got crk fics or hcs idea feel free to request and mayhaps i will do it, squints - word count: 1,017 || cw: none (it’s just cringe)

That day was a sunny day. Espresso hates sunny days. All those people outside, wasting their time in the hot weather, he just not get it. The dark haired mage was locked inside his laboratory, attentively tracing lines from his previous works and experiments in a more neat way than before. It could sound weird, but by the day, Espresso was more and more studious on experiments and was reworking on his old ones. He felt like something was missing, of course he could've never forget to write things on his books, but he had that sentiment of not having dug enough on some subjects. While tracing the most important line from the coffee magic pentagram, he heard a somewhat loud door-clacking. He didn't paid much attention; "People are being loud again, it's ok." he whispered under his breath, still tracing the line precisely. He then heard a so ridiculously high pitched greeting; Espresso, who got surprised broke his pencil tip, and with that movement, breaking the magic circle. He wasn't one to swear, but looking at his circle failed and miserable, he couln't help but let anger take over him and pronouncing an harsh "WHAT. THE. FUCK?", his surprise invitee got surprised. Well, that was awkward, when Espresso looked at who was in front of him, it was Madeleine, the light knight. They were complete opposites - but still had to work with each other from times to times. So odten that Madeleine problaimed the black haird man as his "best friend" - The said man wasn't very hyped about it, he wasn't fond of any kind of relationships, he was pretty much of a loner. When the platine blond boy directed his sight at what was the mage doing, he starred, confused, "is that my fault?" he pointed the huge mark going from the middle to the bottom of the paper pinned to an architect table, like a violent scratch. Espresso nodded - from his facial expression, we could tell he was pissed off to an extreme level. Throwing a glance at Madeleine, he asked "Why are you here for?", "Well, I wanted to spend time with you-" before he could even finish, the coffee mage exclaimed "Oh you do? Wonderful! You'll be able to help me with stuff out here right? Even stay up all night if it's needed! You're gonna help me redo what I failed!" (he litteraly had a "^_^" face). The silky-haired boy looked at him like his brain was empty, he did not know what to reply for once. Madeleine was extravagant, prideful and talkative boy. But with Espresso it was different - he fell kind of fond of the other since he met him, was it because he had such a charisma? was it because he finally found someone capable of calming him down? Madeleine was always so stunned in Espresso presence, the way he looks, the way he walks, the way he speaks, in every possible way, that dark haired boy was so beautiful to the eyes of the other. Of course it was only a man being proud of his best friend. At least that was what Madeleine was repeating to himself. Espresso waved in front of the blond's face, he did not notice he zoned out. "Yeah I'll help you", he was still kind of lost in his throughts, he didn't notice he was doomed by saying that. The dark heired mage pointed him to a chair, "Sit there", then handing him a book, "Read me the formulas here, please." even if he already knew most of the book word for word he wanted to make the other useful - The sat up guy opened up the part of the book the other showed him and shook his head when he realized, "What? Are you serious?" He wasn't sure he could read all those complicated words, "There's so many pages!". His host looked at him jaded. "Yeah.". They blinked looking at each other for a good 5 seconds when one broke the silence "Are you going to read or what?" Madeleine in a panicky movement grabbed the book in a way to be comfortable reading. Espresso's handwritting was beautiful, and easy to read. He started mumbling a few words the mage was still able to understand. Writting down what he was hearing, he was focused - when Madeleine looked at him in a distraction moment, he saw the mage writting down standing well even though the table was kind of low. "You look beautiful" - He saw Espresso pause for a moment before he tilted his head up "What?", he caught Madeleine blushing and then got that he did not misheard anything. "Please continue reading" he insisted, which the other nodded and went back to. When they were finally done, Espresso only had to trace back the circle he previously tried to do. But that's something he'd prefer doing alone and at calm, so he straightent up and stretched so his back wouldn't pay the consequences of standing for so long. "Thank you." he said, not looking at the other man and re-reading what he wrote to be sure there was no mistakes. "No problems, that's the least I could do. It was nice seeing you work.", "Really?" he paused; "Oh yeah, regarding what you said earlier- huh, thank you I suppose. You look kind of good too." Madeleine would've fell if he wasn't sitting. A compliment? From Espresso? The Divine must've really been watching over them at this moment, he thought. His face was so red, he mumbled a "I think i shall go now aha" and Espresso shook his head up and down to agree with the informaion he just gave. The blond haired guy almost went away running, waving at his so called "best friend". The coffee mage looked at him go. "Maybe he's not just my best friend" one thought, "I'm glad I failed my circle" the other said to himself. Both of them loved that day even though it didn't go as planned for either of the boys. But they were both awkwardly smilling alone thinking about the other. (now if you read until here, add me as friend on cookie run kingdom im lonely. kingdom’s name is boguette and i got a clover cookie pfp)

#fanfiction #madeleine cookie #espresso cookie #espresseleine #cookie run #cookie run kingdom #i hate it here ctually #crk #the gays cookies !!!!!! again

[serowotonin]

˗ˏˋ 𝗴𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗲𝗻 𝗱𝗮𝘆𝘀 ˎˊ˗

✰ PAIRING ( terushima yuuji x fem!reader ) ✰ WORDCOUNT ( 1.9k ) ✰ GENRE ( ansgt, songfic ) ✰ WARNINGS ( um one swear word, angst, implications of de*th )

all the memories that we make will never change we'll stay drunk, we'll stay tan, let the love remain and I swear that I'll always paint you golden days ♫ panic! at the disco

✰✰ NOTE.. so uH i think this is the first angst thing i wrote that im actually happy with and i know terushima isn’t someone a lot of ppl write for so to the few ppl who see this</3 hope u guys enjoy:”)

“Ughh where is it,” Terushima grumbled to himself as he pulled open drawer after drawer. He had searched all the cabinets, all the tables, and just about every inch of his apartment but has yet to find his phone charger. 

As he closed the second to last drawer on this shelf, which held no phone charger, he pulled out his phone and saw it had 1% battery remaining. Quickly, he unlocked it and went to his contacts. Before he could make a call though, the screen turned black and he was left staring at a faint reflection of himself.

“Damn it,” he cursed under his breath. “She’s gonna get upset again.”

He clutched the now dead phone in one hand and ran the other through his hair, sighing in exhaustion. Today had been tiring enough with work and now he had this to deal with.

There was still one more drawer he hadn’t checked though. So, he lifted his hand out of his hair and pulled it wide open. 

In it sat a small box. 

He knew of its contents the moment he laid eyes on it. He also knew opening it now would only make him feel worse, not to mention, it would definitely delay his plans.

But for some reason, a longing for nostalgia or maybe the person that brought such nostalgia, his arms unconsciously moved to take the box into his hands.

Your words echoed in the back of his mind as he traced his fingers along the edges of the box.

“It’ll be like our little time capsule. For us to open when we’re all old and wrinkly…”

A deep sigh escaped his lips. 

Every rational thought that came into his head begged him not to open it, to put it back, to forget he even found it. 

Instead, his fingers moved to lift the cover and lay it down on the floor beside him.

And there you were... a polaroid of you at least. 

Your lips were curved in a sweet smile inviting him in and breaking his heart all over again. Up until now, he could barely recall what your face looked like when you were happy, truly happy. He could only remember the tears and regret you had on your face towards the end… 

But seeing you like this again, the wideness of your smile, the crinkle of your eyes… you radiated a joy and happiness he had begun to forget in you.

He stared at the picture for a good minute before turning it around to see the familiar strokes of your handwriting.

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!’ and under it ‘(first pic taken with the polaroid my baby Yuuji got for me<3)’

“My baby Yuuji,” he whispered.

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you,” he sang softly into your ear as he held you from behind, swaying gently in tune. 

“Happy birthday dear Y/n.. Happy birthday to you~”

You turned to kiss the blond and he pulled you even closer to him. 

“I love you babe, happy birthday...” 

The tiredness he had felt just moments ago seemed to have fluttered away when he found you again in the polaroids, and a longing burst from the depths as he put the picture down and picked up another one, his hands once again moving on their own will.

This one had the two of you standing together, backs facing the camera. It was taken at a beach when the sun was still high in the sky and the water glistened blue. But it wasn’t the scenery that appealed to him, nor was it the way the sun wrapped around you two in perfect golden light. 

It was how close you were to him. The physical distance between you two was barely existent. Your arms were wrapped around his waist and his were draped over your shoulders. 

‘Sea breeze, cute outfit, sand between my toes, and 1 Terushima Yuuji… Damn was today great.’

How he would give to be that close to you again.

“Ok 3, 2, 1…”

You clung on to him as tight as you could and he smiled, pulling you closer. 

At the sound of the camera click and the hum of the photo being printed, you let go and quickly turned around to thank the woman for taking the picture.

When you did that he felt off; as if a part of his body was just yanked away. It wasn’t an extreme feeling, nor was it painful in any way. It was more just a lingering emptiness that was put to rest a few seconds later when you were back by his side again.

He put his arm back on your shoulder and peered down at the polaroid in your hand. You were staring at the photo patiently waiting for the colors to fade in. And when it finally did, you smiled satisfactorily at it before tucking it away and flashing another smile to the man right next to you.

Terushima closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to clear his mind. It’s been years, he shouldn’t be dwelling on the past like this.

And yet, there was comfort in the pain the memories brought.

When he opened his eyes, they landed on yet another photo of you. And as he has been for a good part of his life, he was drawn to you. Reaching out a hand, he picked it up and let the memories wash over him once more.

After a while, he set it down and picked up another. And another. And another. Each capturing a moment with you he would never get back. 

It’s been years since he’s had to learn to live without you. Truthfully though, he never did learn how. The sun became a little dimmer, the rain a little harder, the breeze a little less refreshing. The world lost its vibrancy when he lost you. He adapted, got used to the dullness, but he couldn’t learn to live the same anymore...

He picked up another polaroid.

This one didn’t have either of your faces on it. It just showed the two of you holding hands against a dark background.

The bottom held no words but instead an arrow pointing to the right. Terushima turned the polaroid and saw a small envelope attached to the back. Curious, he opened it up and pulled out the piece of paper snuggled inside.

‘This one’s a bit longer than any other note I’ve written for a polaroid but… I kinda just realized smth really important. He drove me out at 3AM in the morning to get food because I said I was hungry. Then we sat in his car listening to some old mixtapes he had. They were pretty crappy but it didn’t matter. I love Terushima Yuuji. I’ve said it a million times before but last night it really hit me, hard. I love him in a way I’d never be able to love anyone else. 

I want to go on more dates with him. more stupid dates, more romantic ones, more 3AM dates, more cuddle dates. And even though it might be selfish of me, I want to spend my every breathing minute with him. 

If I can’t have anything else in this then I just want these golden days of ours to last forever..’

And before he realized it, tears were rolling down his cheeks. Fuck it all. He missed you. He missed the days you had together, the nights spent in each others’ arms. He missed you so much it tore a hole in his heart and all he could see when he looked at the sunlight drifting through the window was just darkness. 

It pained him to know that everything you wanted was all he ever needed. It pained him that he hadn’t realized this until it was too late. And it pained him most that you were never coming back.

Why’d you have to leave? 

He tried so hard to stop asking this question, and for a while, he was successful. But the polaroids, your handwriting, the memories, you.. there was just so much pain in the happiness of the past. 

But you were gone. He had accepted that long ago. 

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

“Terushima, you in here?” a familiar voice called from outside. 

Right, he forgot about Misaki. Wiping any tears left on his face, he put all the polaroids back in the box, covered the lid, and left the room.

“DADDY!!” a little girl yelled, running at him full speed. He bent down and lifted her into his arms effortlessly.

“Oh you’ve gotten heavier. How much has Misaki been feeding you huh?” he teased.

The little girl pouted as she pointed to the floor signaling she wanted to be put down. Terushima chuckled and did so.

Walking over to a slightly annoyed-looking Misaki, he muttered an apology for not going to pick her up and a thanks for taking care of his daughter. 

“Hey wait, you look like you’ve been crying… Are you ok Teru?” she asked, eyes showing her concern.

He let out a deep sigh. 

“I uh- I found a box with some old pictures of Y/n and I just-”

She put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. 

“Look, I know you miss her and I know you know this, but don’t get too stuck in the past. Focus on what you have now,” she said looking in the direction of the young girl who had made her way over to the small pile of stuffed animals on the couch.

He rubbed his face and nodded, “Yeah. Yeah, thank you Misaki.”

“Ok,” she replied with a sympathetic smile. “I’ll be going then.” 

Terushima nodded again and after she said bye to his daughter, he walked her to the door.

Turning back he leaned on the wall and looked affectionately at the girl playing on his couch. She was still so young, but it’s been almost 5 years now that he’s taken care of her. 

Time seemed to fly by with her and yet it felt like so long ago he welcomed her to the world. 

He understood now the past and its memories were something to be treasured. It was not something to cling on tightly though. The golden days of the past are gone, but the glittering rays that coated the floor and walls of his living room tell him it’s a new age. 

It was an age he had to cherish well.

Deciding to do something he’s been putting off, he walked back into his room and brought out the box with all its polaroids and memories.

“Yui, come here. I want to show you something.”

She stared at him before taking one frayed teddy bear into her hands and walking over to her father. Taking his outreached hand, she looked at the box he held in his other.

Sitting at the top of the pile was a photo of a beautiful woman. The sun was shining bright in the background and the light swirled around her as if she was wrapped in a golden halo.

“Is she an angel?” Yui asked innocently, pointing to the picture.

“You got that right,” he replied with a sad smile. “She’s the most beautiful angel out there..”

He watched as the young girl picked up the photo, seemingly mesmerized.

“That angel is your mom.”

“My mom?” she echoed. “Mommy is an angel?”

He smiled and ruffled her hair, “She sure is, and you know what? She’s looking out for us from heaven, so you better be a good girl for her, okay?”

✰✰ NOTE.. pls lemme know if u guys thought this was angsty enough sdkjlsdg,,,, i dunno i can’t seem to tell whether angst is painful enough yet;-; also don’t mind the name yui dkglsd it was the first one i could think of T-T

✰✰✰ TAGLIST.. @lilikags @luna-in-luv​ @kureyama​

#hq x reader #haikyuu #terushima yuji x reader #terushima x reader #terushima yuuji #terushima x y/n #terushima yuuji x reader #terushima yuuji x you #terushima oneshot #terushima angst #haikyuu angst #haikyuu oneshot #hq angst #hq oneshots #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #hq imagines #hq #www.pink-ink.com/writing #/fic

[3mmafr0st]

Remember Me Part 3

Previous Part <-------> Next Part

Bucky Barnes x Reader Summary: Y/N has escaped, but where does she go from here?  Word Count: 1.5k (Sorry this ones a little short)

Warnings: Homelessness, a striking lack of Bucky, but soon my friends, soon, ANGST, reader not understanding computers very well A/N: Im apologizing for the lack of smut in this part, but I really like following the canon

I was woken up abruptly by a quick jab to the ribs, quickly waking up and going into action. I grabbed the object and twisted it away.

“Hey, I’m not looking for a fight here, just wanted to make sure that you didn’t overdose on whatever you were on last night.” I looked up to see the older man that had talked to me the night before. He was in his forties and dirty looking, but had kind eyes, shielded by a pair of small glasses. “Can’t have the cops pokin’ around here, bad for everyone.” I got up from the wet grass, wiping myself off from anything that may have gotten on me. 

“For the record, I wasn’t high.”

“Could have fooled me.” I shook my head, rolling my eyes. He couldn’t have understood the intensity of the situation that I was in. Hydra was probably after me, and I had no idea where to go or what to do about it.

I couldn’t help but think about Bucky, what happened to him and where he was right now. He had to have gotten out, right? He was a better agent than I was, simply in physicality. He had the capability to escape, we would find each other. But how had they found us out? There must have been some sort of suspicion, something that tipped the higher ups off about what we were going to do. How could I have been so careless to allow someone to find out the plan. But that was the past now, I had to focus on what happens next. 

“Where’s the closest library?”

I walked down the sidewalk toward the library, trying my best to blend in, looking inconspicuous against the crowd. I was lucky enough that the closest library was only two blocks away, I was already a little tired from last night with everything that happened. 

I looked to my left, and sure enough, there was a quaint little library that looked cozy. I shook the handle and pushed at the door, thankful that it was open earlier than most places. 

The walls were covered in children’s drawings. I knew I shouldn’t be wasting time, but the entire thing was so uncanny, so unabashedly civilian, something I hadn’t experienced in who knows how long.  At the small front desk sat a woman, maybe in her thirties with a small name tag.

“Hello miss, anything I could help you with today?” She smiled sweetly at me, welcoming me into the library. 

“Actually, do you guys have computers that the public can use?”

“Yes, they’re right over in the corner.”

“Thank you, also, do you happen to have some paper and something to write with?” She turned around, picking some paper and a pen up and handing it to me. I returned her smile and headed over to the out of date computers sitting at the back of the room. 

I turned the old thing on, a sound a little bit like music coming out of the speakers as it booted up. It was then that I remembered that although I’ve shoved a flash drive in one of these and let things happen until it said “COMPLETE,” I wasn’t too familiar with computers .  Sure I had wanted to work with those beautiful machines, simply being left alone with one for an hour with a manual and figuring out all of it’s secrets. I had no idea what in me was pushing me so much towards them, but it was there.

Once the machine turned on, I looked at the display. Luckily, it wasn’t too difficult to figure out, there were only two little icons on the screen, and the one that looked like a little trash can was probably not what I wanted. The other was a little colorful circle called “Chrome.” Personally, I didn't see what was chrome about it but I clicked it, and a screen popped up. The word “Google'' was written across the middle of the screen along with a small bar with a picture of a magnifying glass at the left side. 

It took me a minute, but I figured out what I needed to do. The first thing that I could think of to search for was Bucky. I typed his name into the search bar and pressed enter, and tons of results flooded the screen.

The problem was that I didn’t know any of the concrete facts about him. I knew that his name was Bucky, and how he was sweet and funny even though we’ve both been through so much, but I didn’t know his last name, or when he was born, or even how old he was. 

There was a little tab called images that made the most sense to me. If I could find a picture of him in the pool of “Bucky”s that existed in the world, I could find out who he was, and then hopefully, figure out who I was from there. There were many pictures, at first it was overwhelming, but as I scrolled slightly, I found it, found him. 

He looked younger, more innocent, with a short haircut and a blue leather jacket that made me swoon a little bit. He looked different, but I couldn’t mistake those beautiful blue eyes. I clicked on the picture, which led me to a sight called Wikipedia, with his photo in the corner. 

“James Buchanan Barnes, born on March 10th, 1917, was a member of the Howling commandos and best friend to Steve Rogers (Captain America).”

I continued reading, writing down the important bits , how he was tested on by HYDRA way back in 1943, and how he was supposedly killed after falling from a train. But he couldn’t have died, I didn’t know him back then, I knew him now. 

The name Steve Rogers continuously popped up, so I clicked on it, and was flooded with even more information. Once I had everything I had to know written down after the rabbit hole I had been down, I turned to the librarian to ask her one last question.

“Do you think you could give me directions to Avengers Tower?”

I would have preferred to take a cab but I couldn't without money, so walking 20 blocks was my only option. The tower was huge, and I found it much too easy to walk right in. There were people walking and sitting at tables in the lobby, working at filling out paperwork. I went up to the desk, not allowing them to get a word in before I could say what I needed to. 

“I need to speak with Steve Rogers.”

“Ma’am, if you just give us a moment, we can help you.”

“No, you don’t understand, everyone here is in danger, Bucky is in danger.” A man in the back stood up, walking towards me to get a better look at me. His hair was graying and his glasses filled up most of his face. He looked pale, as if he had just seen a ghost. 

“Y/N?”

“Get this shit away from me! I told you, I need to talk to Steve Rogers, he’s the only one who will understand.”

“Y/N, I know you don’t remember but we need to do some tests.”

“Please, just get me in touch with him!”

The lab, I’ll admit, was friendlier than most that I had been in. The room was filled with computers and scientific equipment that I really wanted to go and play with for some Rita’s on. There were nodes stuck to my forehead that were oddly gentle, but I still didn’t like the feeling.There was a small TV connected to the ceiling showing the news. A woman’s voice was heard over the mess that was being filmed. 

“In breaking news today, wanted fugitive from S.H.I.E.L.D., Captain America, has been spotted in Washington D.C. battling with a masked stranger in the middle of the highway. “

I  looked to the screen and immediately recognized him, It was Bucky, my Bucky, fighting it out with Steve Rogers. He had taken off his goggles, the two of them fighting with an intensity that I had never seen before. The only person that could match Bucky in a fight like that was me, so this was damn impressive. 

“There! There he is, you need to get me to Washington D.C!”

“Y/N, you need to calm down, we need to help you first.” A second man began to get near me, pulling the leg of my pants up, exposing the metallic nature of my left leg. I panicked and kicked the man away, sending him across the room. 

“I don’t need help, I need to get to Washington D.C., and how the hell do you know my name?” I pushed the man off of me and got up, trying to get out of the lab. I had almost made it out of the door when I felt a sharp pain in my neck. I immediately felt woozy, falling back into the chair closest to me.

“It’s gonna be ok, Stats, I’m gonna take care of you,” The graying man from earlier said, helping me back into the lab chair from earlier with music less resistance than before. My vision got spotty, as his wistful, almost bittersweet facial expression was the last thing I saw before total blackness.

#Bucky Barnes #James Buchanan Bucky Barnes #james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes x reader smut #bucky barnes imagine #Winter Soldier #winter soldier smut #winter soldier x reader #winter solider fanfiction #winter solider imagine #marvel #marvel smut #marvel fanfiction #marvel fanfic #marvel imagine

[magnoliabloomfield]

Garden of Heathen- 15 Heebie Jeebies

Masterlist

When Gally's eyes landed on Aussie the thoughts of love dissipated like a mist. His brows furrowed and his head cocked to the side when he saw her hunched over the paper, rubbing the pencil over it in quick, broad strokes. She'd covered about half the page in lead already.

"What are you doing?" He questioned as he strode over to her.

She looked up at him and it took a second for her eyes to focus properly.

"I know this looks crazy but I promise it makes sense," she assured him a bit manically. "You know how... when you have a note pad or a stack of papers and you write a note on the - on the top one, the top piece of paper, the pressure kind of copies the words to the page underneath? And when you rub a pencil over it you can see the words?"

He did know exactly what she meant and his eyes widened. There could be more to this note than initially met the eye. He leaned over her to see what had come to light so far.

"It's not easy with the creases from the folding, but there's definitely something here, and Gally?" She stared up at him with a spooked look in her eyes. "I think it's ... my handwriting."

"Your handwriting?" He repeated as his brows furrowed deeply. "How is that even possible?"

"I dunno. I don't know if it is mine, or if it just looks like mine, or how it could be possible-" she rubbed her forehead then ran her hand over her mouth.

"It's ok, it's ok," he said as he placed his hand on her back in an effort to calm her down. "That's not important right now, let's first see what it says, alright?"

"Ok," she agreed with a sigh. She bent over and continued to color in the page.

Gally kept his hand on her back as she worked. Something caught his eye and he looked up to see a shaft of light coming down from up stairs.

"Did someone come down here?" He asked her absently.

"I thought I heard the door open earlier," she confirmed without stopping her work.

Gally shrugged it off as Gertie or one of the others checking on them. Maybe they hadn't closed the door all the way behind them when they came down. He soon forgot all about it, thoroughly distracted by, not only the mystery of the note, but that he was alone with Aussie, breaking the No Touching Rule.

"Ok, finished," Aussie slapped the pencil down on the table, the side of her palm covered in grey lead. She stood straight and held the note up. Gally's hand traveled up her back to rest on her shoulder as he leaned in for a better look. He held one side of the paper and she held the other as they leaned further under the light, trying to get just the right angle to see the faint words.

Chan el or Pa e Th is not w t I si ned u for. Y u dec ve me. I ver wa ed an ne to et hurt. I ca t do t is an more.

At this point neither of them noticed the light begin to sway.

If you do t stop im d tly I will be f rced to t ke act on. W t yo re do ng to th se kids wro g and I can't al ow it to co tinue. Th trials must end ow

Trials? What was it saying about trials? Aussie could hardly see with the shadows moving across the page.

Wait. Aussie looked up, wondering where these shadows were coming from. She was just in time to see a metallic claw, like some kind of robotic chameleon foot, reach out and grab the top of the paper. She followed it upwards and saw it was attached to an equally robotic body, like some kind of toy insect. It was hanging from the light bulb and it was trying to steal the note.

Aussie didn't let out a stereotypical high pitched scream, but she certainly did scream, startling Gally half to death. Luckily she had sense enough to wrench the note away from the thing, it's little claw keeping just a tiny scrap of paper. She had grabbed ahold of the front of Gally's shirt by the time he had noticed and reacted to the thing as well, and was pulling him toward the stairs faster than he thought she could go.

"What is that what is that whatisthat??!!" She yelled as they thundered up the steps, the note clutched protectively to her chest.

Gally slammed the door behind them, hoping the thing wasn't faster than them and was now trapped in the basement. They both stood there, breathing heavily but trying to be quiet and listen for whatever that was. Gally looked up, making sure there was nothing on the ceiling here. He wondered if that thing had friends. His question was answered when Aussie screamed again, kicking her leg violently and sending a metallic blur slamming into the wall of the hallway. Unfazed, the little beetle corrected itself and made a beeline for Aussie again. With another, smaller yet equally horrified, yell she tucked tail and ran for the front door.

Gally was so confused but quickly shook it off and caught up to Aussie and her pursuer outside. She had quickly balled up the note and stuffed it down the front of her bra as she ran but that thing was still after her with a single minded determination. Gally was able to get a good kick in and the thing went toppling head over arse into the grass.

"Where'd it go? Where did it go?" Aussie asked as she clutched the back of his shirt with one hand, the other placed over the note in its hiding place.

Gally kept her behind him as he looked for any sign of the thing coming back.

Aussie was not relishing the thought that this thing might be the one that stings people and there was none of this grief serum to be had if it was. There was a scuttling noise in the grass behind her and she freaked out. A few frantic seconds later found her half way up Gally and showing no sign of stopping till she was on his head. The whole thing was not graceful as he was trying to watch his own back while helping her climb higher onto him, they were throwing each other's balance off with all the moving.

The spectacle did not go unnoticed by the girls who were now up and about doing their chores.

"What is going on here?!" Joan yelled as she ran up to them spear in hand.

"Watch out!" Aussie yelled, one leg thrown over Gally's shoulder and her arms wrapped around the other one. "There's a - a little robot thing, it's attacking me for the note!"

Joan looked at her like she was crazy... but who could blame her?

"Ah! There it is!" Aussie yelled as she pointed. "Get it! Getitgetitgetit!!!"

Gally held onto Aussie as best he could and quickly backed away as the little gremlin charged again. Joan was shocked to see they were telling the truth but quickly took action. The thing was just leaping up at Gally and Aussie was screaming when Joan's spear came hurtling through the air, pinning the thing to the ground between Gally's legs.

Almost all the girls in the garden were now gathered round the scene. Aussie craned her neck to look at the thing. It was going through some kind of death throes of spitting sparks and pathetically waving limbs till it zonked out completely.

"What the heck?!" Gertie yelled as she bounded up for a closer look at it.

"Are you ok? You good?" Aussie asked Gally, rubbing the top of his head to let the dazed looking boy know she was talking to him.

"I'm good, are you good?" He replied, squeezing her thigh that was thrown over his shoulder as she was splayed across his shoulders.

"I think so," she answered. "Do you guys see any more of those things?"

They stood there like some kind of deformed totem pole as the girls looked around for more robots.

The girls all answered the same, no more creepy critters as Aussie had decided to call them. The rest of the guards encircled them with spears ready. Only then did Aussie release her death grip on Gally. He helped her gently to the ground and saw her blush.

"I'm so embarrassed," she admitted. "That was so cowardly of me, I'm so sorry."

"No it wasn't, we... we were both protecting the note," he said as he caught his breath.

"Right," Aussie dived a hand down her shirt and produced the extra crumpled note and sighed. "They know about it now."

"You're never going in that basement ever again, are you?" He asked her.

She just stared at him for a second and then the giggles broke out.

Masterlist

@frequentlychangingfandoms @quackquackbi @sweetseunghyun-poulter @crazysheeplyca @pre-google @neilox @thesuitkovian @carp3d1em @cottoncandy-dreamxd @emilyhadenbaker @a-ravenclaw-into-tardis-221b @shardsofstarlight @piscesgvancouverite @tooty-fruity

#gally #tmr #maze runner #fanfiction #will poulter #will poulter protection squad #garden of heathen

[mallowstep]

how do you find the energy and motivation to write like... everyday?? i literally cannot write unless i am possessed by a thought in my brain and forced to spew out everything onto paper. and then i cant look at it again ot edit it. like, i really love writing and if im forced to do it for school i will, but i cant write for myslef.

practice.

first, i want to say that i am going to describe how i write, but it is not necessarily going to work for most people, because it has to do with my own psychology and mental health.

second, i want to say that i view writing as writing for pleasure or writing for work. poetry, for example, i write for pleasure, and i would not apply what i am going to discuss to poetry. that happens when i have something to say. it is OK to not want to write for work. that's acceptable and encouraged.

third, i want to dispel a myth. writing consistently is not about motivation. it is about discipline. and you should take heart in that, because motivation is hard to control. you can't force yourself to want to do something, no matter how hard you try. but if you build up discipline, you can learn to do it anyway.

i'm not going to go into that now, because i'm coming at this from the specific perspective of someone with adhd who uses pressure to force myself to function, which is...a hard balance to strike, and not something i can strictly recommend. it does work for some people. i think of it as an arch.

but i digress, i said i wasn't discussing the specifics of how i function in day-to-day life, lest i encourage others to do as i do.

okay. so. where am i going with all of this?

part one: a long, fairly incoherent ramble about me and mental health and writing

well. i don't think the idea of writing for yourself is very helpful to a lot of people. i do write for myself. but that doesn't get my ass in the chair and my fingers on the keyboard. the thing that does that is not social obligation to others, either, it is the firm knowledge that putting words on paper is going to keep me from falling apart.

i don't do that for myself. i don't do that for anyone but the human need to hold yourself together. i am very happy i feel that need at the moment, and every time i have stopped writing* in the past ten years, i have lost that need.

* writing here should really be replaced with a broader term. creating things. making things. working with my hands and something real. but writing is the best thing i know to fill this in myself.

writing does not feel optional. i started writing seriously when i was not-quite-a-teenager and had untreated depression. it was desperate, then. the need to know i was capable of feeling emotions. since then, writing has been different things at different times. it has been a social need. it has been a creative need. it has been a demanding drive. it has been something i drag myself to do because i know it is good for me.

i don't have to write. i could paint, or draw, or knit, or code, or any number of things. i have used all of those things, and more, in the past, but writing is something i also enjoy.

sometimes writing is dragging myself to the keyboard. it is not always a flurry of words as an idea seizes me. it is, "i am publishing the next chapter of ashes because it is monday and that is what i do on mondays." but.

it is monday, and that is what i do on mondays.

i hate not posting every day. i hate it. i am Untethered. i spent ca. three weeks over the summer completely disconnected from time, but. i post ashes today, it is monday, i move on, i go through the days and they are not the same.

i hate not posting every day. i know that i would be doing better if i could just break through and start again, but figuring out how is hard. some things i know (ibtwicm is stressful because another person is involved, and that means that i cannot work with betas, even though the one i have is absolutely wonderful and i adore her), but other things are just that nebulous idea of not enough time to start.

i don't always have the energy to write. some days are bad. some days my head hurts. i don't have the expectation that i will never miss a day of posting. i've taken plenty of time off. but i like the rhythm.

anyway. let me try to turn that incoherent ramble about me into something...actionable?

part two: what i tangibly do

i have a schedule. that is not requisite, but it saves me from making decisions. i have a schedule and i have fics and one-shots and they all slot into that schedule by arc. i could have done it by anything, but arc was convenient.

anyway.

i figure out what i'm posting when i wake up in the morning, and i try to skim over what i've already got before starting my day. i flick back and forth between writing and whatever i am doing throughout the day.

(which is why, as i transition back into my normal pace, the thing i have been doing to fill the gap will diminish. less au chatter snippets etc, because that is what i have been doing instead of writing.)

by the evening, i'm usually close to done with the draft. i spend a solid chunk of time patching it up, then i do a round of edits, finish my other work, do line edits, and post.

if i have time after that, i start looking at tomorrow's post.

that's it. sometimes i don't want to work on something. too bad. it's on the schedule. or even, "too bad, we're posting something today." unless i am having a bad (read: low spoon) day, i do not waver in that expectation for myself.

in fact, i think the only way ibtwicm will get done is if the final chapter two chapters go up un-beta'd, because the deviation from routine makes me impossibly frustrated with them. we shall see.

anyway. i have spent years building the discipline to be able to do that. if you rely on motivation, do not think you can just flip over and magically learn how to turn an empty page into words because you told yourself that is what you are doing right now. so.

part three: how to build discipline

i said i won't be covering this, and i'm not Really. i'm going to tell you how to get started, and i am going to be the Bad Guy. i am not capable of doing this kindly. there are other, better, resources i encourage you to seek out.

so. you can't start by just. throwing yourself into it. it won't work, it'll be frustrating, etc.

you want to figure out what a reasonable word count/day is for you. i shoot for 3k words/day, but i figure as long as i'm above 1k, i'm happy.

[aside: if you are going to be writing a lot in a day, please take care of your body. have good posture. know how to hold yourself. etc. i credit years of playing piano as giving me strong wrists and nice, curved fingers, and exercises to build and strengthen the same muscles as you use for typing, but just keep this in mind.]

anyway, there's no right number. 100 words is enough. it should be -- what works for me is a number that's just slightly higher than what i can do comfortably, because it means i have to be focused, which keeps me on track. i think this is important. it is not the only way.

and then you just meet that goal. if you're new to this, writing 100 words every day might be hard. you don't have to limit yourself to 100, just hit 100 every. single. day.

eventually that will feel easy.

"i don't feel like writing," you will think, "but i've figured out how to get around that."

then you either feel happy with what you're doing or push your word count up.

me? i don't measure how many words i write, because i've already done all of that. for all i bemoan research and being stuck, i'm generally exceptionally effective. i don't think that's bragging; i think the number of asks i have answered with scenes i whipped out of nowhere demonstrate that.

i have spent years getting to the point where i can open up a blank page, on a day when i feel like crap (emotionally), when i have no ideas and no motivation and every word i put on paper feels robotic and stiff and terrible, and still finish what i started. it's hard work. it might not be worth the effort. but. that's what i do.

#ask #anon #mine #personal #reblogs okay #writing #you know i don't think what i do is the only way or even the best way #what i do is the #what i need to do to be a functional human being #way #and that might not work for you but #i think at the least my thoughts on discipline and routine should be more universally applicable

[fipindustries]

critical missive

dedicated to @cryptovexillologist

oh boy arent we in a fine pickle now?

usually i enjoy talking openly and bluntly about my opinions on whatever the last thing i read is, safe and secure in the knowledge that the author will most likely never stumble on my measily 700 followers tumblr blog, so i am free to express my opinion to my heart’s content knowing that no feelings will get hurt. 

mission critical would be no different except i talked with the author and read their acknoledgement and the AMA they did on discord after writing the story and they have endeared themselves thoroughly to me so my language will have to be neutered, at least for the first half of this excercise. afterwards things will get a bit harsher but i’ll try to rest at ease in the knowledge that we seem to be kindred spirits and i would be delighted in hearing any kind of criticism of my work either positive or negative. 

ok, enough coaching done, lets go on to what i thought of this novel.

it is a delightful romp, as i said before, the worldbuilding is understated and realistic with enough glimpses of depth and detail to suggest a much larger picture. this world feels inhabited, lived in, like it was well chewed on for long by the author before putting pen to paper. consequentially the characters that arose from this world feel like they belong, they feel like real people with real lifes. by far the strongest sections of the book were the flashbacks to their lives before the plot started. their voices, regretably, do sound very similar when interacting with each other but in their own sections the characters shine in their charm and cleverness. every time one of their flashbacks ended i was left with the intrigue and the desire to know how their particular story would continue.

the terra ignota influences are very noticeable, the world and its people carry the same kind of almost childlike positivity and innocence, the same kind of cheerful, happy go lucky trust in human progress and the great project of humanity for the future with the same sobering forlorn attitude towards the horrors of the past.

on top of that its silly, gosh in heaven it is silly. it has moments of cringe, in the best of ways. strange slapdash bits of flavor, immature non sequiturs, small indulgences from the author’s own weird interests and dumb meme humor. i do love me my awkward corners in a book, after all it is those that make something unique. there is a clear personality poking through and it is a delightful personality to meet.

i cant help but like this almost more for the context in which it was written than for the content itself, it was done during quarentine as a way to both stave off cavin fever and to process the author’s feelings regarding their gender identity. as someone who also wrote a story where i almost deliberatly tried to trick my self into breaking my own egg and who turned madly towards creative endeavors to survive the pandemic i can sympathize strongly with this. i am really happy that the author got to do this and kickstarted a project towards a big, possibly decades spanning trilogy.

so, yeah, those were the nice things i had to say, if you are content enough with that you can stop here but if you are curious to know more, well... you can

in short: it is a bit of a mess. again, im willing to be lenient, considering the way in which this was worked on, this is very much a really early first draft. the second half of this story was a very slow and very boring trudge towards a sudden end.

first, the fact that the flashbacks and the worldbuilding bits are the strongest part of this story means the actual plot itself suffers from being fairly boring and generic. “astronauts explore alien planet, find spooky stuff there” was already old hat by the 50′s. it is a plot so worn down and archetypical that it really cant survive if that is literally all you are going to do with it, and that is kind of all that this book does. i did mention moments of flavor and strange self indulgence. we needed way more of those. yes thats right, im saying that this story was not self indulgent enough. when you have such a well trodden plot such as this, worn down to the point that it becomes paint by the numbers, we need quirky, we need cringe, we need strange excess and personality. the author mentioned that they would love to see some of the weirder alexandria fan fics, well so do i! be the miracle you want to see in the world! the moments alexandria debated if wether identifying as a trilateral were amazing but they were not enough. we have a great structure here but lets put some proper meat on these bones, some proper fat and skin, some clown make up and a weird novelty hat and outrageous clown shoes. im getting carried away here, lets get back to the point.

the other problem is  there is not a clear trajectory for the story here, no well defined moment of climax and the emotional beats tend to fall a bit flat or to come out of nowhere. there are emotional crisis which i sort of missed or didnt get where they came from. the characters act in ways that are hard to relate to  that come off as stilted. the way they conduct themselves through the mission felt at times weirdly unprofessional and like it didnt follow much of a logical throughline, and when i say logical i dont meant “i wanted the characters to act hyperrational at all times” i mean i want the characters to act in ways that make human sense. ironically the one character that acted a bit too human for my tastes was the AI. alexandria is an interesting character but i feel that the place to explore that idea is not in the middle of an incredibly important mission where having your mainframe experience a crisis might not be the most practical thing in the world.

the ending was jarringly sudden, i didnt feel there was a proper resolution and finishing it off with flashbacks to the time the characters were training was... odd. i reached the last line and it felt like the story had just decided to stop without ever having reached anything that came even close to the third act. all of this can be easily fixed with some concientious editing and a complete rearrangement of the different sections of this story.

all in all a great first step in what i hope will be a long career as a writer.

#mission critical #it was nice #if a bit flawed

[aphrodite1288]

KYUNGSOO'S ENLISTMENT!

Why did he enlist?

So y'all asked me..

This is not an analysis!

Kyungsoo's preparing for his album these days, he was in negociations with the A&R team to look for songs for him n style he wants to adopt n the theme of his album.. and tbh I liked a song he wanted so bad to be the title track

But things didn't go well n he couldn't have it cuz the producer of the song is in a band n his band refused to give Ksoo the song.

Anyway Ksoo is looking through songs SM is buying n writing now.

Yes all of that in Military!! He has days off. For some ppl who might wonder.

That's how SM negotiated with Soo cuz he wanted to LEAVE cuz HE WANTED TO SING BUT SM ONLY WANTS TO USE HIM AS AN ACTOR TO GAIN MORE MONEY FROM HIM! CUZ MOVIES PAY OFF MORE THAN SONGS!

Again...

And Soo was so upset n tired of acting he wanted to SING SO BAD that's why he REFUSED MANY MOVIE OFFERS n S/M was MAD AT HIM FOR REFUSING ROLES IN IMPORTANT MOVIES cuz he felt like SM wants to take him away from E/xo forever N HE LOVES EXO HE DOESN'T WANT TO NO LONGER BE PART OF EXO even tho SM offered him more money n more fame n focus on him more than all the members, BUT KSOO IS A GOOD BOY HE DIDN'T CHOOSE HIMSELF OVER EXO HE WANTED TO BE ALWAYS IN EXO n DIDNT ACCEPT SM'S OFFER TO ABONDON EXO N BE A FAMOUS ACTOR HE DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN HIS BAND's Future!

SM wanted him to be like Yoona n Minho n siwon n hyunsik from Ze:a n Lee ki kwang n Lee Joon from Mblaq n other idols whom were removed from their bands to be actors forever( not siwon's case but wtvr)... So SM wanted to only focus on ksoo on acting n ruin EXO's future like those bands but Ksoo REFUSED!! N He was scolded n punished for refusing the roles of movies SO HE DECIDED TO LEAVE SM n NOT EXO!! That's when the news of him leaving popped up on March 13th 2019 ( Remember the 10min heart attack we all had phew).

Ugh my baby is a

He threatened SM to leave n they negotiated with him..he asked for a solo as a treat but they told him they don't have something for him for the time being cuz all the songs went to N*CT n Baekhyun n Chen n Taey)eon n Tae/min n other soloists n bands so THEY ASKED HIM TO ACCEPT ONE OF THE MANY ROLES HE WAS OFFERED N START ACTING FOR THE TIME BEING UNTIL THEY PREPARE HIM NEW SONGS BUT AGAIN HE REFUSED TO ACT n SAID " I WANNA FUCKN SING" N LEFT TO ARMY IN DÜRING THAT TIME THAT SM PROMISED HIM OF AN ALBUM. HE SAID " OK I WON'T WASTE TIME ON ACTING IM TIRED I WANNA SING! WHEN EVERYONE'S SOLOS ARE DONE N MY TURN IS UP I WILL BE IN THE TIME BEING SERVING MY COUNTRY THAT WOULD BE BETTER THAN ACTING IN TONS OF MOVIES N DRAMA N SINCE EXO WONT HAVE SCHEDULE SO IMMA TAKE MY LEAVE".

Again...

He stood against SM like a wall so he applied in Military without telling anyone at first cuz he was so mad n behaved withou thinking but he still had all the rights to remove his application (since according to his age he still has time to enlist so he can remove his application anytime) so he went to the members n told them that he sent in his papers in for military n applied n that if they (the members) accept he can join army n if they don't accept he may cancel his application (remember in radio star when members said they were shocked when Ksoo came to them n surprised them by his application in military Baekhyun said he came to us n was like "Guys can I go to military? If u accept I will go serve!" ) .

Again..

Ji was so shocked n mad at him for not discussing it with him n all the members were ok with Soo leaving for military cuz they knew of his fight with SM. But Ji refused! But ksoo was so sure he can handle Ji n talk him out abt this he thought it would be easy but Nah he didn't expect Ji to be so stubborn n against the idea that much! Seeing that Ji was so easy to twist n ksoo knew he has a power on him but seems like not this time hahahaha NO.

So Ksoo tried convincing him n at the end Ji was mad with him n they stopped talking for a while n they took a break! Soo went in vacation alone to prepare for his cooking academic finals n that's when Ji traveled n was off until Soo's military service day, Ji came to send him off n they reconciled u (can see how Ji's eyes were puffy n teary the day of Soo's enlisting cuz he was crying still not accepting soo's decision).

Ugh.. poor Nini

So Ji got into a deep depression cuz he was lonely n sad that's why he was all the time with MookyuRavi n they were always there for him cuz Soo asked them to be with him. That's when he was off for two months pretending to lose his password. And it was also becuz of Jen/Kai cuz Kaisoo were so obvious in 2018 (remember ladder Kaisoo n awards shows Kaisoo moments they were so obvious) so Ksoo didn't want Ji to always be the one sacrificing his image to hide their relationship cuz SM wants to enhance the playboy image for Ji n ksoo hated it..so he took his leave to make Kaisoo low-key n protect their relationship.

Ji then went for a psychiatrist n was having his Anti-Depression medecines n was taking a rest for two months cuz medecines don't allow him to work but only rest rest and rest. Becuz Anti-Depression medecines made him sleep most of the time. So the psychiatrist gave him two months leave n SM was comprehensive.

I think I said it all in a very very brieve way! For more details I'll post something another day. REMIND ME!

#Kyungsoo's solo #Kyungsoo's solo album #Kyungsoo's ENLISTMENT

[shiishki]

okay wait, i changed my mind. you should answer all of these questions as well, if that's what you want from me >:)

oof there's a lot of it, that's what i get for wanting to be ✨aesthetic✨

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

vowels (and the importance of being me) - hunny

honeypie - jawny

pretty young thing - michael jackson

mirrors - justin timberlake

sunflower - red orange county

paradise - rude-a

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

a therapist.

ok someone else.. uhh,, my grand grandma because i only have scratches of memories but i dunno if that counts since she passed away...

*rummages through ancient scripts* uhh ok someone who isn't dead.. uhm,, tommie? yeah I'd like to meet them if i could meet anyone on earth

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

ok, the closest german, english or polish book? nvm i have english

"suddenly was. So I just said thank you a few times too, and Mum" ironically this is one of the normal lines in this book

4: What do you think about most?

the fact that I'll have to do something after school. and I don't know if i want to go to college or get a job bc i have no legitimate idea on what to do with my life. it gets overwhelming, just the lack of knowledge about the actual experience.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

Ok

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

with, tho i sleep with just shorts in summer

7: What’s your strangest talent?

not sure if it's a talent, but i can fall asleep anywhere

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls are pretty. boys are pretty

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

by me, yes. no one else has written a poem about me specifically. nvm, tommie wrote one and it shall rest on my wall, or desk, i need to find a place for it

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

uhh i think last month?

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

i don't think so, but i am hella afraid of the possibly gigantic, terrifying things in the ocean depths that humans haven't discovered yet

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

yep, beloved legos as a lil child

13: What’s your religion?

i can't ever remember the name, but i believe gods (from all religions) exist in some way or form. so i believe in different pantheons and etc.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

walking my doggo, skateboarding, thinking about how to make the lives of my characters worse

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

uhmm the arctic monkeys? or the strokes

17: What was the last lie you told?

i know what i want

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, the rule of three specifically

19: What does your URL mean?

i don't know. it's something me and my sis came up with and that's just my whole identity now.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

uhh greatest weakness.. i can't finish things. strength is that I'm very stubborn so maybe I'll finish that thing out of spite

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

i grew up thinking crushes were like unicorns. my ex was odd enough to argue with that i didn't love her if i didn't have a crush on her. but I think if i had to guess.. selena gomez, especially in the role of alex russo in wizard of weverly street

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nope

23: How do you vent your anger?

i write angry letters. sometimes they're sad letters. i write a lot of letters. except i never send them out and no one made a movie about them :}

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

jars and witchy bottles, books? scented candles

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

phone calls are stressful enough as is, i don't need you to see my reading off what i frantically wrote to not stumble over my words

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

i think so, yes, but that won't stop me from becoming better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate flies buzzing right by my ear, love cat purring

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if I'd been born in a place where it was illegal for me (nonbinary) to live, in a time when others thought of me as a curse?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

they be chilling.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right arm, doggo, left arm, pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

fresh air and doggo, because doggo is with me and I can't live without open windows

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

i dunno tbh

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

which one is less homophobic?

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

every gender is my opposite gender. selena gomez and justin timberlake

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to make it easier for people down the line

36: Define Art.

make thing, thing goes woo

37: Do you believe in luck?

yis

38: What’s the weather like right now?

it's nice actually, very sunny, slight breeze

39: What time is it?

12.59 am

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

i don't, but i once crashed into a fire department vehicle with my bike. bike ded.

41: What was the last book you read?

Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

i legit ass don't know what gasoline smells like.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

many variations of my name, aka. Luce

44: What was the last film you saw?

i think it was Robin Hood: King of Thieves, but it might have been that half of spider-man homecoming i managed to watch with my poor internet

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

oh man i dunno... it's not an injury, but i was very sickly as a lil kid and almost died :)

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

once, years ago

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

hmmm horizon zero dawn i think

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

proud pansexual ^^

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

not really, i don't think they're big enough to be actual rumors,, meh

50: Do you believe in magic?

yis

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

meh. they suck, i know they suck, that's it.

52: What is your astrological sign?

cancer ♋

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i attempt saving. attempt

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

for my own money, sweets. i bought lizards for my cats so they can brush their teeth from my dad's amazon acc

55: Love or lust?

luv

56: In a relationship?

nope, i buy my own cookies

57: How many relationships have you had?

1, kinda toxic toward the end, very stressful, don't recommend

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nu ><

59: Where were you yesterday?

on the fields walking my doggo

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yep, a pastel pink hoodie in my closet uwu

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

yis, thicc warm socks

62: What’s your favourite animal?

cats

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

cuddles and food.

64: Where is your best friend?

bold of you to assume i have a best friend.

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

tommie-hildebrandt, kageyuji, nekomas-kuroo, joyful-soul-collector

66: What is your heritage?

I'm a demon boi from Poland tho that's not a thing to be proud of, i mean, look at the economy. awful.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

sleeping, trying to sleep.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Pinkton. or Satan.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

this is such an odd combination of words i had to look it up. yea.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

a friend who won't laugh at me when i ask them to order smth for me because I'm too anxious to.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

excuse me? i am saving the doggo wtf. f u boss, I'm gonna sell my tragic story to the news.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) i tell my parents. b) live the hell out of them uwu c) nope uwu.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

history maker - dean fujioka :]

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

3332

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

communication, trust, some more communication.

77: How can I win your heart?

let's not pretend to be something else to please each other, and bring some bitter chocolate.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

maybe. it could. i don't have a say in it since my sanity is held by tape.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

eat the pizza. stop caring about others not liking me/parts of me. just living for myself uwu.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

uh i dunno how the american sizes work and i don't wanna look it up so, 39, 40 fits too.

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

demon boi

82: What is your favourite word?

socks.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the bloody organ that sits in your chest and pumps blood into your body so you don't die.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

uhm im not sure if that counts as a saying, but fake it till you make it

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

blinding lights - the weeknd

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

oh a normal question people use for ice breaking, sea blue and pastel variations of it.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

like my wallpaper? or the actual picture that sits on my desk? or how my desk looks like atm? it's ugly, a lot of papers and pens and schoolbooks.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

donald trump. or the next asshole who'll try to take the rights of the lgbt and poc away

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

this. this is the question.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

yo there's a pizza somewhere in the refrigerator, want me to heat it up? we can have a sleep over and talk about our feelings :3

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

telekinesis! or shapeshifting! i could do such fun things with telekinesis ^^ yeah I'd totally eat some radioactive veggies

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

that time my "friends" got me into shoplifting, half-hour is more than enough to punch some sense into my brain and develop good music taste

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

can i save this one? i don't think i have an experience horrible enough to be erased haha

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

sleep as in.. uh no thank u. but I'm down for a sleep over with sam smith ^^

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

just me? what about my pets? my fam? it's lowkey illegal for me to go just anywhere without them owO

uhhmm, greece. imma become part of the greek pantheon out of pure spite. and maybe toronto canada.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

not any that i know of o.o

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

i think i may have but i honestly don't remember

98: Ever been on a plane?

nope, i dunno if i like planes, but I'd probably sleep if i were on one.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

yeet.

#that was long #probably because my stubborn ass wanted to make pretty formatting #shiishki.rambles #shiishki.interacts with tommie