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smores100 · 5 months

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hey.

so. haven't been around for quite some time, mostly due to my health issues (the usual + muscle aches and joint pains, i'm having a great time), but also in part due to The Situation. it's hard to care about anything with everything that's been going on, it all seems so pointless and meaningless, i'm living in a completely different universe from everyone else here. wish i could be that privileged, but alas. it's also hard being around here, and on other social media platforms for that matter, and seeing the raging antisemitism and sheer hate everywhere. i haven't checked my dash in almost 2 months, haven't checked specific blogs like i used to either, and have no plans on doing so anytime soon. i know what i'll find, i don't want it.

i was gonna stay quiet like i ususally do, especially since i genuinely don't have energy for anything rn, but it's been 2 months and i've been biting my tongue and screaming and crying into my pillow daily and i just need to get some of it out before i implode. there's only so much ignorance and hate that one person can take before snapping, so. here i am.

i have so much i want to say, i've written a million posts in my mind in the past 2 months, but i'm too Tired to actually write them down, and it'll just be one big messy ramble anyway, so i'm just gonna reblog a couple of other people's posts and make do with that. just a couple, don't worry, i know these are issues most either want to avoid dealing with or the opinions shared in those posts are a complete 180 degrees from what's trendy to believe in today. but i have to share it anyway. for 2 months i've been terrified, frustrated, bitter, angry and absolutely heartbroken, but there's one thing i haven't been, and that is ashamed. i'm proud of who i am. i'm proud of my people and their spirit. you will never understand what it's been like for us, what it still is like for us, but let me just say this: they wanted to break us, they wanted to break our spirit. they failed. we've never been more united. they just made us stronger.

so i'm gonna reblog some stuff so i can get it out of my system and move on. at worst i hope you just ignore and scroll past it; at best i hope you keep an open mind and maybe for the first time read things from a different pov instead of just the one sided propaganda everyone is continuously exposed to. maybe you'll see it isn't all black and white, maybe you'll see there are nuances you're not even aware of, maybe you'll realize you've been fed a lot of misinformation, half truths and even lies over the years. maybe. if you have questions or want to have a mature and civil conversation about it, feel free to msg me and i'll try and reply when my health allows me to, i'm open to discussion. if you want to unfollow me after this, feel free to do so. i'm not gonna force my truth on anyone, but i'm also not gonna change who i am for anyone either.

and on a more personal note, i wanna say thank you again for the msgs i've received last time and haven't replied to (due to health, Situation etc), and for the ones i've gotten since (will get to those soon i hope). i do feel the need to say this tho - i did have a peek or two at my dash and on twitter earlier on and saw some things. i was in a super sensitive state at the time and it was pretty disheartening ngl. it's hard nowadays, with all the hate going on and public opinion being what it is, to know whether or not you're still welcome in these spaces, whether or not people still like you and care about you, or if you've officially become persona non grata. most days it feels like the latter tbh. i just don't know where i stand. i said i'm not gonna force myself on anyone and i'm not, so if you're still ok with me…i guess the ball's in your court? 🌻

thanks for reading. thanks for sticking around, to those who decide to do so. take care y'all. never again is now. am yisrael chai. 💙

#y'all are lucky i wrote this post and the tags on the following posts yesterday morning #bc after what was revealed yesterday and what happened this morning i'm a million times angrier and more bitter #i have never felt this magnitude of heartbreak and rage before #it was never like this before october 7 but with every day that passes i get angrier and angrier and cry more and more #every now and then i just want to set the world on fire #i cannot believe what has become of humanity. we don't deserve nice things.#and this is the mindset i have to live with in my condition??? i need positivity and light but there are barely any to be found anymore #fuck everything #anyway #it ended up being a bit more than a couple of posts bc i have a whole lot of feelings i had to get out #so if you don't wanna see anything about this you can blacklist the tag 'jumblr'#tbh i'll be lucky if i have any followers left after this lol but oh well it is what it is a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do etc etc #at least i will always have the pornbots to keep me company....<3 #jumblr #personal

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spaceyflowerswriting · 2 years

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Hello Adrien~ how are you? I hope you've been doing well! Thank you so much for taking the time to accept and write the request I submitted to you. You released it at such perfect timing b/c I was in bed, sick and miserable, but reading your Jonggun x reader made my week and made me feel nice and comforted🥰 as always, I enjoy your characterization of lookism characters and I'm amazed on how you're able to write for so many characters in different prompts like you're a great writer and I hope that you continue to do what you enjoy doing^^

Since I saw that your requests are back open, is it okay if I request a reunion between Jonggun x reader who broke up a few years ago b/c Jonggun didn't want to involve reader into his life as a full-time Yamazaki head since his lifestyle would put them in danger but he and reader still love each other? Whether or not they decide to get back together is totally up to you! Please and thank you for always gracing the Fandom with your wonderful writing❤

-🍒

perhaps (gun park x reader)

details: soft angst-y oneshot, gender neutral reader written in 2nd pov, general canon au, you and gun are exes that still love each other

summary: gun has a sudden reunion with his ex. many feelings are spilled.

a/n: hello cherry anon !! ive indeed been well, i hope the same goes for you T_T + thank YOU for sending requests and enjoying my writing !! im glad it made you feel better 💓

also i really appreciate ur compliments :(( 💖💖 hearing that people like my characterizations always cheers me up ;_;

here's your request, thanks again <33

Gun's hand reached into his pocket once more to grab his box of cigarettes. He pulled out another cigarette for the night and put the box back to feel around his pockets for his lighter. As soon as he found it, he quickly lit up his cigarette and put the lighter back away as well.

Slowly inhaling... slowly exhaling; watching the smoke escape his lips as he blew it out. The only thing that made it visible were the dim lamp posts nearby the fountain he was currently seated on the edge of.

Feelings of temporary relaxation filled him up, as well as the cool, fresh air of the quiet city night. This was what he needed after his long day. No, make that a week.

He felt rather pathetic thinking about the heavy weight on his mind that he allowed to cause such a wreck of a week for him. And to think it was triggered by a song he hadn't heard in years, playing on an old record player he was looking at in an antique store.

Was this simply a period of grieving he was going through? Was he missing the bittersweet memories of a person he cut off and tried to bury long ago? Ah, but "person" was rather insulting to use to describe you. "Someone he deeply loved and cared for," was a much better descriptor.

If only you were just a "person," though. He wouldn't be feeling so sentimental then. He wouldn't care so much.

The particular memory resurfaced every once in a while, it was just easy to ignore when it was a thought. Hearing something directly from the memory causing him to nearly relive it, however, that he could not just ignore.

Muffled but recognizable, a traditional Japanese song was playing from the inside of Gun's home when he stood outside to have his last conversation with you. He figured one of his older relatives was playing it. Such a small detail, yet it was something that stuck with him. As for what was said in the conversation, he couldn't recall exactly, but your glossy eyed expression and the emotions he felt that day he remembered crystal clear.

At least because of those clear memories, he could guess what he said to you. Something rash, something immature and inconsiderate of your feelings. Despite that, he--in some strange way--still felt like he did the right thing, but he wished he had listened to you more instead of turn you away by insisting what he was doing was the best option for the both of you.

It felt selfish to think such a thought, though, because the reason he regretted breaking up with you the most was hurting you and not having you by his side anymore. He missed having someone that made his heart race in a way that wasn't related to fighting. He missed having someone he could wholeheartedly trust. He missed having a companion.

He missed you.

Of course, he hoped you felt the same. But how could anyone still harbor love for a person that pushed them away so harshly?

"Oh my gosh, hi! I didn't expect to see you here," a rather cheerful yet stiff voice called out.

Gun moved his gaze from the empty sky to the side where he saw someone smiling nervously at him. They sat down too closely to him for a stranger and asked him how his night was going.

He blankly stared at them, unable to feel much other than slight irritation. He just looked the other way and continued to inhale the smoke of his cigarette, every breath helping to keep his mood steady despite his rampant thoughts.

"Right, haha..." said the person, as if Gun replied with something. They then cleared their throat and very quietly said, "Sorry for disturbing your night, but someone's been following me. I'm hoping if I pretend to hang around a friend they'll leave me alone."

Ah. That kind of situation.

Gun knew he had no business playing hero, but he was a decent enough man to help someone innocent in need if it was happening right in front of him. Plus, he had time to spare anyway.

He dropped his finished cigarette onto the floor and gave it a firm stomp. After making sure it was extinguished, he picked it up to flick it into a trash can nearby and finally turned back to look at the stranger.

"I see. Let's talk, then." Honestly, he had to applaud the stranger for daring to approach him. Surely he must've looked as scary as whoever was following them?

"Thank you!" The person set down a bag they were holding into their lap and began to ramble about random things concerning how their day was spent. Gun listened half-heartedly, nodding and replying when polite, and occasionally checking his watch. He wanted to get home before 1 AM at least.

However, the longer he spent with the stranger, the more he felt himself losing track of time. They started to feel familiar. His intuition was never wrong, so he tried to study this person and make connections. The way they spoke, their mannerisms, their facial features: everything about them lead him to a blurry conclusion.

This stranger... were they you?

"What about you? How was your day?" The person still looked nervous. "Oh, wait, nevermind, I've definitely talked too long now. I should head home, thanks for keeping me company!" After an awkward beat of silence, they added, "Friend!"

Gun eyed them suspiciously, but with no malice. And in his ever so straightforward fashion, he said, "Of course. But before you go, may I ask you something?"

"Yes?"

"Is your name..."

When he finished his question, the stranger's--your eyes widened.

"So it is you." Gun nodded, not quite sure how he was feeling at the moment. Ironic was most likely the best word. "Do you perhaps remember me?"

"Uh..." You fidgeted with your fingers, looking away. "Gun," you muttered, "Jonggun Park?"

"That's right." A new emotion washed over him. Relief? Happiness that you had kept him in your memories after the passing years? Well, you most likely didn't remember him in a good light...

You shifted in your seat before turning back to look at him, laughing sheepishly. "I knew you looked kind of familiar. No one wears slicked back hair as good as you." The compliment made Gun raise a brow as quickly as you had slapped a hand over your mouth. "I'm so sorry, that was really inappropriate to say." Your hand slid down and you vaguely gestured with it. "I-I meant no one wears slicked back hair like you. As in, um, it's a very... you look. You know?"

Some people really don't change no matter how many years go by.

A chuckle left Gun before he could stop himself. He'd imagined many times what it would be like to see you again, and the things he'd say. He would apologize first and foremost, but then explain himself and ask if you'd like to start anew. If you said yes, great, if not, then he'd respect your decision.

This time he would hear you out. Maybe there would be an argument and you both would part just as terribly as in the past, or maybe you two would make up and mutually agree to stay out of each other's lives.

Whatever scenario he thought up of, it wasn't anything like this. Still, he knew you better than that.

"We should cut to the chase, don't you think?"

Your smile faded as your brows slightly knit together. "I know we're exes, but that doesn't mean we have to be hostile to each other."

Gun still had a raised brow. "Even though the reason we aren't together anymore wasn't peaceful?"

Immediately, any lightheartedness in the mood blew away with the wind, revealing only the tense feelings shared between the both of you.

"Gun..." You moved your gaze away once more. "What's happened in the past can stay in the past. I've moved on." You held up a hand just as he was about to question you. "And before you ask, yes, I can't help but still hold a little grudge against you, but I understand now. I was upset back then, but after having years to think about it and mature, I get why you did what you did."

He nodded, taking note of your sincerity. "I suppose I don't have to explain myself then."

"No, you don't," you sighed softly.

"Then... at least allow me to say I'm sorry, too." You stayed quiet. "I didn't give you a chance to explain your feelings. It was arrogant of me to decide where we should take our relationship without hearing your input." Gun subconsciously turned away from you as well. "But I will say I don't regret what I told you. You knew very well the dangers that came with associating with someone involved with the Yakuza. Especially as the head of a clan."

"Right. You were keeping me away for my own safety. I know." You sounded tired, like you were being lectured at. "It probably was the best decision for our relationship. Didn't really stop me from hurting, though." A somewhat bitter laugh came along your last sentence. "It definitely hurt a lot more back then when I didn't understand, but even today..."

Gun didn't need to hear you finish what you were going to say to get the message. He said your name and then, "I feel the same. In all honesty, I miss having your presence in my life." He looked back at you. "You know, when I said I don't regret what I said, I meant it. Although, I do somewhat regret what I did: cutting off all ties with you. It was the logical thing to do, to ensure no one could trace you to me or vice versa, but sometimes I feel it did more harm than good to us."

"Hm." You shrugged with little emotion. "You look like you did fine without me."

"And you?"

"I turned out fine, too, I think." You didn't lift your head up to meet Gun's eyes, but you turned back at least to look at him. "I'm not dressed in rich people brands or anything, but I'm living. I have friends and a comfortable home."

The mention of his clothes mildly embarrassed Gun, but he quickly brushed it off. "That's good. You're living a normal life."

"Yeah. The kind you wanted me to live."

Well. That just stung.

He went quiet for a moment, thinking carefully of what to say next. "Are you happy--"

"What's the point of this conversation?" You cut him off, voice strained. "I know you hate beating around the bush, so just tell me what you're trying to say."

"...You're right." Gun sat up straighter and rested his hands on his knees. "I miss you. But I'm still living the kind of life I told you to stay away from. Do you see my problem?"

You let out another laugh, this one sharp and short. "Glad to know you haven't changed much. Still living a dangerous lifestyle and still not asking for my opinion."

"Except this time I don't think I need to ask for your opinion. You've made it rather clear where your feelings lie for me."

There was a moment of silence before you sighed. "I hate your confidence and your knack for reading people correctly."

"I think even a child would be able to pick up that you miss me from the bittersweet way you spoke."

"Shut up." He smiled softly, seeing you attempt to hide the small smile on your face. "What do you want me to say anyway?"

"I want to hear what you think. I'm making up for my past mistakes. Most importantly, I want you back in my life, but only if you want me back in yours as well." The unfamiliar feeling of mild nervousness had Gun conflicted on what to do. "Back then, I said we should never see each other again, no matter what, but maybe if we tried now we could make it work."

Finally, you looked up to make eye contact with him. "Why don't you just leave your criminal life behind?"

"I can't. And I don't want to." As your expression turned into one of concern, he went on to say, "It's just the kind of life I'm suited for. Call me immoral or a bad person; I'll be whatever that allows me to keep fighting. You already know I live by my own standards anyway."

"You're as weird as ever," you chuckled with a shake of your head.

"Yet you fell in love with me anyway."

"I know. That was my fault."

"Give me some credit for charming you at least." He leaned to the side just in time to dodge your hand moving to whack his shoulder.

After a huff, your shoulders dropped and a worried frown replaced your smile. "I don't know what to do. I do know I want to be by your side, though, and it's honestly relieving to hear you've been missing me all these years, too. It's just... are you sure this is okay? What do you mean by we could work things out now? How's it going to be any different from the past?"

Gun slowly replied, "The harsh truth is that it won't be any different. I still advise you to stay away, but my selfish side wants you by me despite the danger. It tells me I'll just make sure my work doesn't affect you." You nodded along while he added, "I won't force you into my lifestyle, either, of course. It'd be inappropriate to shove someone into a life they're not made for. Even if I do get you used to it, that doesn't guarantee you'll ever grow fit for it. Some people are not made for certain things. And... I want you to be happy with me, not miserable."

He let his words hang in the air for a while, to make sure you could properly digest them and then said, "There. That's all I can say." He crossed his arms. "I now leave the decision up to you. We're both adults now, aren't we? We've had time to grow and we can make our own decisions and talk things out like adults do. Whatever you choose, I understand."

"This is all very sudden, you know." Your frown turned even more lopsided. "After experiencing the horrific feeling of thinking someone's following me, I run into someone who I thought vaguely resembled my ex from when I was a teenager, only to find out he IS my ex and wants me back the same way I do, too. Except it's not that simple." You sighed in frustration and Gun nodded in sympathy.

"I'm not expecting you to think of an answer right away. I understand this is all very sudden." He reached a hand out, placing it atop of yours which was resting on the fountain edge. "I'll wait as long as needed. As long as you give me an answer, I'll be satisfied. Patience is needed for love, after all, whether that love flourishes or is buried as a loving memory."

"Okay." It seemed like you were trying to give him a reassuring smile as you stammered, "I'll--I'll think about it, then."

"Please take your time." Gun glanced at his watch. It was nearing 1 AM, and he decided you two had spoken enough. "It's become rather late, so I believe we should head home. Would you like me to walk you to your place?"

You scrambled up, grabbing your bag with a hand and leaving the other free to wave at Gun. "Oh, no, it's okay! It's been quite a while, I don't think the person following me is still sticking around."

"Nonsense, how ridiculous would it be if I let you walk home alone only to find your death on the news tomorrow morning?"

He had tried to say it in a half joking way, but the wide eyed look you gave him said you clearly didn't see it that way. At least until you began to laugh.

Once you quickly settled down, you had a soft smile resting on your lips. "Asking me a question only to ignore what my reply is and do whatever you want. Your feigned politeness hasn't changed either, I see."

Gun decided not to mention he was attempting to make a joke. "I hope you realize you haven't changed much either. You're still the same person I loved then, and love even now." He smirked when you began to look a little nervous.

"Right..." You side stepped and gestured forward. "I'll get going then. You can walk with me since you insist."

"Good." He followed after your stride, walking alongside you and easily keeping up with your pace. "What were you doing out so late, if you don't mind me asking?"

You glanced down at the bag in your hand. "Um... midnight snack craving."

Now it was Gun's turn to laugh and bring up the repeated sentiment of, "You really haven't changed."

"Whatever." You playfully rolled your eyes. "Can I ask why you're wearing sunglasses at night?"

"...That's a story for another day."

"...Right." Your eyes lit up as a new topic popped into your head. "Oh, and I can't believe you smoke now. I know you did it a few times whenever you were offered a cigarette when you were younger, but you should really stop if you want to live a long life."

Gun chuckled. "I'll think about it."

In some miraculous way or another, the rest of the walk to your house went peacefully. With a little healthy bickering, of course. You both exchanged phone numbers before finally parting ways.

On his way back home, Gun found himself thinking again, "Ah, that was exactly what I needed." Forget the cigarette he was using earlier as a stress reliever. Apparently what he needed most was a real conversation with the ex he still loved, and luck decided to be on his side today.

Yet, out of habit, (and because his walk home was extended by accompanying you home) he was pulling out another cigarette and lighting it.

"I wonder what decision they'll make."

#lookism x reader #gun park x reader #gun park #requests #i have decided to leave the relationship status to the reader B]#anyway i feel like this oneshot perfectly captures/allowed me to show how i characterize gun #like hes just some freak but he's Romantic and not entirely heartless despite how harshly he acts #that side of him is best shown thru eli; letting eli go by saying hes 'gotten soft'#and then him actually keeping olly's promise to not hurt eli?! youd think gun would be like-#'nah eli got me fucked up im gonna kill him anyway' but he stayed true to what he told olly #'i only grant dead people favors.' he truly lives by his standards only..#him being harsh is just how he is as a 'nuturer' (according to his genius title lol)#outside of that tho? hes cold. calculative. but hes still human. youd just have to be damn lucky to even get a glimpse at his softer side #hes surrounded by coworkers anyway he doesnt find the need to be 'nice' to them only 'professional'#maybe im being delusional and am only romanticizing a criminal but. oh well 💖#shoutout to anon for this request!!!!!! got me writing a whole mini 'character analysis' essay in the tags !!!#btw if ptj releases anything in the future debunking my gun analysis i will cry 💔 /lh

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