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#oh my god no its not dysfunctional family
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GOING INSANE ACTUALLY
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gotham-daydreams · 5 months
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Oh my god due to the recent Alfred ask it makes me wonder and scream at the thought if there has ever been a moment when Reader asked Alfred if there's something else they can call him. Like DAD perhaps...(and this can go for different routes and so many juicy things, but ill get into that later).
But since the backstory is up to us, I like to think the Reader has a bio family which was questionable(maybe I'm projecting), so they never had a good track record with their dad and then Bruce adopted them and we know that didn't end well.
So when they ask Alfred if there's something else they can call him ( a lil show that they do see him closer than anyone and that he's important to us.) We could have gone back and forth with him talking about what to call him and stuff when we jokingly say something along the lines of "maybe not Dad since my track record with such isn't the best." Maybe they open up to Alfred about how their family/ life was before they were adopted by the batfam. Maybe even admit they can't see anyone as a dad figure after them (😭), so the thought is uncomfy for them( this hits in so many ways.) Or how they're scared if they call him dad something will change about Alfred and become like their 'dads'.
Which will undoubtedly hit some strings with Alfred. Seeing as how every 'dad' has failed them to the point they can't fathom or be comfortable with seeing or thinking of someone as a dad. But the fact that BRUCE had played a part in it 💀... Which is what's making the Reader confused and feel unsecured in his own personal relationship with the Reader (on what to call him, but probably in other stuff as well).
Back to the top part of the reader asking what they can call him, and they end up at something along the lines or at calling Alfred Dad.
It will undoubtedly make his heart squeeze and scrumble( One way could be he's being called 'Dad' after so long). Probably make Alfred a lot closer to the reader than before. Probably stepping up to the title and being closer taking care of Reader even more, now that he knows they have that emotional bond( stronger than before and the permission).
For little cute ideas/cenerios I imagine he makes an even greater effort to come to our plays and tournaments and sit front row probably recording.( in a reserved seat next to all the other empty ones 😒). And get a lil prissy when he can't make it (ESPECIALLY IF ITS BC OF THE BATFAM). He asks some of the organizers to record it specifically for him if they aren't doing it already, so he can watch it live (or once handed to him)while doing whatever keeps him from going. All so he can talk about it with us when we come back home and show how proud of us he is.
Definitely gets us gifts for each performance/ tournaments. If he was present he would walk with us a while after it ended and get us ice cream or out for a celebratory dinner. 😭
Okay but now for the lil angst part in that moment when we settle on what to call Alfred whenever it would be similar or is Dad or a different title all together that would be the moment we lose any real attachments to the Batfam. Not seeing them as siblings or parental figures anymore. At most just wanted to impress them but that quickly died off and just just focused on what we do have.
Alfred would also know that that was the moment or the end of the falling bridge with the Batfam and Reader. Which would probably hurt him cause the Batfam is still his family, but now he also has us and sees our neglect and what the batfam's consequences are. Probably breaking his own hope of us being accepted/ integrated into it and the Batfam to being back a normal dysfunctional but loving family with us in it.
Okay but the real ANGST. It's not just the reader and Alfred having heart to heart or other situations between the two of them. BUT INSTEAD BRUCE HEARING READER CALL ALFRED THE TITLE WE SETTLED ON. And it doesn't have to be only Bruce that would work for angst because the others are smart so if they hear Reader call Alfred by the title... They know it doesn't correlate to them and their relationship of being Reader's sibling because Alfred isn't that title to them. Connecting and discovering at the same time that the Reader doesn't see them as siblings and hasn't for a time they weren't even aware of.
Imagining just Bruce sneaking away and thinking by himself or even confronting Alfred 😩😩. The Batkids doing their research seeing Reader live their life completely disconnected from theirs only hammering that Reader doesn't see them as family. The only thing connecting to them being Alfred and even Alfred is a different role in Reader's life than in theirs.
Maybe Batfam finds out about what the Reader tried to get their attention only to give up, maybe they don't and just see the Reader slipping away until the Reader becomes a foggy memory again until the Reader moves away like in the [Not] series everything follows.
Hope you enjoy 🥰🥰💕 drink water 💦
Yeah!!! And since there is another ask that's about the reader considering Alfred their dad, and how Bruce would react to that, I won't be going too much into how Bruce himself would react since I'd like to explain it there when I get to it- but I will say that in very, very simple terms. Bruce is not happy about it. At all.
As for how the whole name thing would start? Alfred would definitely say that you can call him whatever you'd like, but will definitely silently try to nudge you in the direction of calling him dad or something akin to that. He may not expect it to work right away, especially in this scenario where the reader already has a messy relationship with people who were supposed to be their father's in the past. However, when you do call him dad or something similar, he is literally about to cry.
He won't cry in front of you! But he might later-
Regardless, words cannot express the amount of joy he feels when that happens, and as you've mentioned, Alfred does try to not let you down. Unwilling to become another reason why you have a hard time seeing people as your father, or father-figure. He feels more inclined to look after you above everyone else, and tries even harder to be present. There isn't a single event of performance that he'll miss willingly, and even if he does- he has his ways of making it up to you, even if you know that it was out of his hands.
I think a neat detail would also be that the amount of unoccupied seats next to him slowly shorten with time. It starts off with there being a seat for everyone in the Batfam, but as time goes on the amount begins to dwindle, until there's just one for him. Maybe with the occasional one other seat beside him if it's for an event, and you get to sit next to him before going or doing whatever you have to. Further showing how you, as the reader, begin to care less and less about the Batfam, and really only see/recognize Alfred as your family. As there is only one reserved seat for him at each and every performance and tournament.
I think the idea of the Batfam noticing this and trying to fix it, yet the reader still being able to slip away, and them forgetting all over again is both just out right heartbreaking and infuriating.
Like, can you imagine as a neglected!reader, finally having your family notice you (despite you growing used to their lack of attention at this point), only to have them forget you exist all over again? Or just forget about you enough to where you still leave without saying much of anything, and only leave behind a note to the one person you considered family?
And imagine the Batfam- not only feeling, but knowing that they've failed you more than they could ever imagine? Not only making you feel alone and isolated in your own home, since they never noticed you, not only once, but twice? That's borderline unforgivable. They noticed you, and somehow still managed to neglect you all over again. It's astonishing, really. Maybe they do have powers after all.
But really- how I could see that happening is if they get too busy with the idea of you rather you yourself, if that makes sense?
Through their research and everything, they form a version of you in their heads that they're all clinging onto, that they unintentionally don't give the real you a chance. Hell, they don't even give themselves a chance to even see it as they drown in their own delusions. Stuck with plans and ideas they ultimately never saw through, either because they were far too worried to further mess things up (like a certain brooding bat), or were far too certain of the outcome and therefore came up with more ideas and plans that they ended up not doing. Like a certain robin who, after two generations, finally wore pants. So by the time they realize their mistake, (which probably happenss when one of them finally decides to actually act on a plan they made) you're gone. Lost to the wind. Like a distant whisper they nevr quite heard, but dreamed about encountering ever since. Forgetting that chasing and searching were things they could do right from the start instead.
Though Alfred and the reader having a heart to heart? Please, we could all really use that. Forget about how horrible Alfred is behind the scenes- we need the closest thing we can get to a positive influence in this family. Or really just a good source of comfort, honestly.
Though his dying hope does break his heart, he just takes it as another opportunity to fill in the shoes of being your father. Even if at this point it means being your only family out of everyone in the Batfam, then so be it. He'll just have to fill in where they refuse to, but he doesn't mind since it gets him more time with you- and I can imagine that, despite the hurt of realizing that you'll never be 'fully' apart of the Wayne family, at least you have a part with Alfred and the Pennyworth's. And there is some comfort and reassurance that comes with that. Since, while you may not be able to have this big, huge family- at least you have this small, comfortable one right here with Alfred.
Hell, this time around Alfred might even fully support the reader moving away, as he's more certain than ever that he'll still have that connection with them. That he and the reader will actually communicate, and as long as he can still see them and so on- he doesn't mind.
He'll let the Batfam run around, and play dumb at all the right moments with that sassy, sarcastic attitude of his. Letting them know that they've wasted their opportunity- wasted the one real chance they had with you, and probably won't be getting another one.
After all, it isn't his fault that they fucked up. If anything, he's probably the only reason why the reader is connected to the Batfam at all, or even associates with them the smallest amount. It isn't because of Bruce or any of the others. It's because of Alfred. Even if he won't say it out loud, he'll make sure that they all know it one way or another, and though Alfred doesn't necessarily view himself as cruel- he wouldn't mind throwing a little shade if it meant emphazing that point a little further.
You are his kid. His family. Why would they think otherwise?
On a lighter, more wholesome note, I definitely agree with the more light/cuter ideas!!
Alfred is definitely spoiling you if he can help it, and will poorly disguise his favoritism- though probably would stop even trying to hide it all together at some point.
There is never a moment where Alfred doesn't/won't remind you of how proud of you he is, and how much you've improved. He isn't afraid to admit that you're doing a good job or doing the right thing, even if you can be reckless at times, to your face. And if you end up doubting your ability, or just yourself as a whole, Alfred will definitely be there to comfort you, and remind you of how well you've been doing and reiterate how proud you make him.
He wants you to know that he'll always be there for you, and by the time you leave, you still feel that.
Alfred also makes sure to check up on you and tend to your needs, along with spend time with you in other ways- which does include, but isn't limited to; watching films at home, baking/cooking together, sewing, reading, tending to the garden, and just generally being in each other's space. Maybe even a small hang out outside of the manor if you both can help it.
Nevertheless, that was a fun read, and I fully agree!! Make sure to drink some water and rest up too!
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daphnebowen · 2 months
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percy jackson episode five thoughts
I skipped a couple episodes where I wrote down my thoughts, but I'm about to rewatch and write don't worry! warning: lots of screaming, fangirling, heart attacks, and nonsense below :))
also these are all just copied straight from the notebook I use when I'm writing down my thoughts and I barely proofread them :)
Annabeths trust in Percy being alive is literally just like her belief that Luke is alive later on and even though it's kinda sorta different (or at least people are gonna treat it that way) I'm all here for it
WHY WERE THE FATES SO CREEPY HELLO
AAAAAHHHH THE PERCABETH HUGGGG I IGNORED SO MANY SPOILERS AND IM SO GLAD 2 minutes in and I'm already fangirling so hard haha
is Grover blushing at them??
"surprise" omg Walker 😭🥹
the droplet of water clinging to walkers chin is so distracting
"I'm the last person to realize this aren't I?" It's okay Percy
his eyes are SO FREAKING BLUE it's giving zac efron from hsm2
"it doesn't have to be a thing, yk. That you hugged me." OHKAY HES NOT ENTIRE CLULESS THIS IS FAN SERVICE RIGHT HERE WE KNOW THAT IT MOST ABSOLUTELY WILL BE A THING LMAO and annabeths "oh boy" and Grover's clear exasperation HAHAH
where the heck did the motorcycle go lol we know it's ares but like it doesn't take that long to drive
"we're all gonna die... eventually" wise words Percy wise words
ugh the fact that it's Luke's string 💔
Ares ‼️‼️‼️
Ok but why is ares literally EXACTLY how I thought he would be?!?!
"that's my cousin? what kind of family is this?" A dysfunctional one for sure, sorry Percy you're in for a rough ride
ares starting a fight on twitter is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY and yet so in character lmao
"I'm gonna kill him" same Percy SAME I will gladly help you - although all things considered I am glad they decided to keep delinquent percy in the show
they keep bringing up the "push someone down a flight of stairs" thing! There's no way this is just a coincidence anymore, what with chalice of the gods and earlier on with Annabeth and like... they're obviously doing it on purpose. is that gonna be the shows new thing?? trusting someone enough so that if they can push you down the stairs they're the one? idk man, love the metaphor tho
PLS LET THERE BE THE ZOO TRUCK SCENE OH MY PLS
leah's eyebrow quirk is 💋
WATERLAND IS PERFECT OMG
walker portrayed Percy's anxiety and nervousness and scaredness (is that a word?) perfectly
Can't tell if Grover is actually a history buff or playing Ares so he will talk but that scene was actually cool, I like the change they made to have Grover stay behind (this was what I wrote originally, but now after seeing peoples interpretations and opinions and things I know he was playing ares and I think it's BRILLIANT how smartly he played the god of war. Good for you buddy!)
"I didn't say anything" "I can feel you thinking it" OHKAY THEN
thrill ride of love = flawless. No words. I am speechless.
"I hate kids" relatable
ARES IS ACTUALLY BEING SMART AND MAKING SENSE FOR ONCE not to mention he's so funny and so relatable!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH SEAWEED BRAIN ALERT 🚨 SEAWEED BRAIN ALERT 🚨 SHE CALLED HIM SEAWEED BRAIN AND I LOVED IT never mind the actual SCREAM i let out lmao
is Annabeth about to cry?!?!
yeah she's definitely about to cry
why am I so scared. This cannot be happening. What?? What??? he's the main character. main characters don't die. well except for Magnus chase BUT THOSE ARE DIFFERENT GODS AND DIFFERENT RULES NO WALKER
why am I actually so scared about this chair thing omg
(I would just like to say that I was so speechless and in shock throughout the whole chair thing, so I didn't write down a single quote but I loved them all I just was in too much shock to pause the show lol)
um.
WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED.
WHY IS MY BABY GOLD
WHY IS MY CHILD GOLDDDD
I AM SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW THIS DEFINITELY DIDNT HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS MY BRAIN IS TOO SLOW FOR THIS 😭😭😭
oh my gosh ITS HEPHEASTUS
dude the way that door suddenly opened scared the crap out of me
leah is absolutely shining as Annabeth, her monologue was so profound and heartfelt, love that addition 💗
THAT CLIFFHANGER GOES CRAZYYYY
okay of course those of us who read the books know who really stole the lightning bolt and stuff but the clueless fools just watching the show are gonna be like OMG WHO WHO and even if they piece it together technically they'll only be half right. and their confusion and confidence in what they think they know is going to be SO entertaining in the coming weeks hehehehe and even throughout the whole series if we continue to get green lights for the series
but yes that episode was utter perfection! Now for the teaser...
WHO DID PERCY JUST TACKLE EXCUSE ME
duuuuude. The lotus casino is MASSIVE and actually super pretty I cannot wait for the episode tomorrow!
WHY IS PERCY DRIVING OMG THIS IS NOT LEGAL although tell me why he is literally better at driving than I am HAHAHAHAHAH
ugh and that is it! Those are all my random thoughts from the episode! thanks for reading :))
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br1ghtestlight · 6 months
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NOT THE ENGAGEMENT RING STILL BEING IN THE BIRD NEST LMAO
loving this morning routine so far. we rarely get to see into characters lives outside the belcher family (obviously i mean. its their show) but this morning routine feels both painfully awkward and Very real in a way that we don't see with the belcher family in the same way?? their house is always so chaotic and LOUD with so many people and siblings but this is just rudy and his dad. its not exactly missing the love and warmth but its very intentionally different vibes
god rudy's dad is trying so hard :( compared to the natural and fun interactions of the belcher family this is just.... a very stark contrast with rudy's dad trying and failing to relate to rudy on his level
RUDY THINKS HIS DAD IS EMBARASSING OHHH :(
assuming that this Fancy dinner is rudy and his parents getting together every weekend (with tonights dinner being with his mom's new boyfriend) and CLEARLY does not enjoy it and finds it awkward its kinda funny that they keep doing them. like his parents probably don't like each other very much AND rudy hates the dinners and its awkward and uncomfortable like do we really need to keep doing this. is it worth it. are they trying to stay connected like a normal family while also very clearly disliking each other?? who knows im excited to find out
like "you've always been a trooper" IF THE DINNER ISNT FOR RUDY THEN WHO IS IT FOR LMAO???
and we all love you so much 😭😭
love seeing the belcher family in a non-focused setting like you can tell this episode is about rudy so it makes seeing the belcher family feel almost like?? like WE ARE rudy seeing a friend at the mall rather than them being the main characters. very interesting creative choice
gene is such a sweetie in this scene <3 him walking on the fountain edge
ROUDATHAN
gene got a B- special dinner..... god im sorry his family loves and supports him so much its so sweet :( like gene NEVER questions that he's adored by his family and they think he's amazing. they celebrate all his accomplishments no matter how small uhfghh i need a minute
its his day dad. tina is such a good big sister 10/10 love their relationship
"rudy you should come over for dinner!!! i think its gonna be one of the WORST foods we've ever tried" the belchers are so funny and sweet in this episode bcuz the conflict isn't really about Them and its very enjoyable. like they're just hanging out & having fun
our monthly We're Still A Family dinner with your mom. like SURELY there is a better way
MY MOMS NEW FRIEND ALLEN HES OKAYY 😭😭🤘🎶🎵
ohhh rudy's dad passing his own insecurities onto rudy :( this is so fucked bcuz he doesn't MEAN to do this but he ends up passing on his anxiety and neurotic tendencies onto his son and he doesn't build up his confidence like he should vs the belcher family where they hype each other up to an almost dangerous degree and they're all so happy and confident..... the parallels they are paralleling And it makes me upset. painfully real dysfunctional family relationship
you're the guest of honor....... :( BUT NOT A GUEST BECAUSE YOURE OUR CHILD :(
how on EARTH does this boy end up at the belcher's house for dinner 😭😭
I WAS BORN IN 2002 okay this confirms that louise was definitely not a 2002 baby unlike when the show started because that is a Grown woman and louise is nine. we have figured out some kind of timeline here and for this season louise was canonically born in uhh 2014 OH GOD DHES SO LITTLE. what the fuck gene was a 2012 baby
you know who would liven this party right up?? Louise belcher
BABBBYYY RUDY COMPILATION WITH HIS PARENTS WAHH i dont care that its awkward because he is so small. from this compilation i would guess his parents got divorced when he was around six or seven
rudy using his magic tricks to help the awkwardness of the dinners when that was never his responsibility as their kid... wahh
OHH NO RUDY 😭 this poor boy is having a panic attack somebody needs to save him. but honestly he's the sweetest kid im sure nobody is angry at a nine year old
RUDY IS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND FULLY RUNS AWAY TO THE BELCHER HOUSEHOLD LMAO ZERO THOUGHTS HEAD EMPTY no plan just vibes. louise is his safe space which is not something i want to think about right now because its too much for my tiny heart. god
(fanfic where rudy has a panic attack and louise helps him through it will be incoming shortly)
rudy crying is going to make ME cry 😭😭
okay gene kissing the ketchup bottles goodnight is very funny that got me to laugh. what is bro DOING
rudy's parents about to file a missing person's report and he is FULLY commiting to the disgusting terrible lasanga dinner good for him!!!! BECAUSE ITS WITH A HAPPY FAMILY THAT FEELS SO COMFY AND SAFE GIVE ME A SECOND.... JUST GIVE ME A SECOND
gene saying he loves rudy. great moment
"rudy are you sure your parents know where you are" is the CORRECT reaction thank you linda lol This boy is very clearly not somewhere that his parents know about and she's being a responsible adult. obviously she would but its just nice that they're treating this situation somewhat seriously. good mama <3
EVERY GENE LINE IN THIS EPISODE MAKES ME LAUGH
rudy in this episode is gonna make me CRY he's so anxious and sensitive and they all love him so much god. like linda and bob are such good parents in this episode and louise is a great friend too. he's so so loved by everybody around him not just his family. and of course he is crying again
LOUISE AND RUDY ARE THE SWEETEST SHES SUCH A GOOD FRIEND SHE CARES ABOUT HIM SOO MUCH her staying for dinner so he feels less awkward and uncomfortable because he always feels safe with her :( what the hell
rudy and louise dinner date!!!!
SWEET GIRL WE GOT THERE SHE IS SOMETIMES ISNT SHE louise is literally the best i dont care if people think she's overrated or too many episodes focus on her. she's amazing and so incredibly sweet and she loves rudy more than anything
ngl when louise smiles and nodded i did think she and rudy were going to hold hands for some reason. roudise week got to me
LARRY MURPHY AS PAUL i knew they would find a way to squeeze him into the episode because he has one of the main credits he has to be in every episode. which is kinda funny tbh Legally contracted to make an appearance as at least one character per episode doesn't need to be teddy
OKAY FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE I DIDNT EXPECT THIS TO BE SO LONG this episode was adorable and very stylistically different in a good way?? i loved having a small peak into rudy's home life and his relationship with his parents. loved seeing rudy's mom she seems really sweet and supportive of him :) louise was the BEST in this episode and gene was hilarious as always. bob and linda are great parents and brian huskey did great considering he was voicing about 80% of this episode completely by himself. GREAT episode and a strong start to the season along with episode one!
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zanukavat · 2 months
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can u tell me about the two little gay alien guys
OOOH SHIT YOU HAVENT WATCHED SOLAR OPPOSITES??!? you gotta. oh my god. please.
they're terry and korvo and theyre the most dysfunctional deeply-in-love dumbass alien husbands youll have ever laid your eyes upon.
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the show is so silly and genuinely lovely. the plot is pretty much, family of aliens who "stranded" on earth and need to carry out their mission on the planet but instead settle into human life and domesticity. also theyve got kids (replicants) and a pet/child(more of a pet with a mind of its own).
terry is more accustomed to and a fan of human culture whereas korvo is stern and rational in the beginning and god i love their character development and relationship so so much
when i started watching it i kinda just did it cuz i had caught up with rick and morty, a friend had already seen solar opposites a while ago and said its good. and i was like, seems good; oh justin did this show too, guess i'll watch it. he voices korvo but as you might know they changed his VA for the newest season by shooting him with a voice changer dart lmao so now he's british
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kissedaconstellation · 4 months
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one way im breaking generational curses this holiday season is by realizing that christmas decorations actually DON'T all need to be put up on the same day. you can do it bit by bit throughout the season !!
when i was growing up, my family always had the Day We Decorated, and i loved decorating, but it still felt like this totally unmanageable task with infinite steps that i had to mentally prepare for. there were so many years that i just never participated in decorating because i couldn't bring myself to start.
but now, living with two other neurodivergent people, it's NOT like that. we've been decorating slowly, day by day, and its so much more fun this way, like oh my god. the reason i've always loved decorating is because it's festive and keeps me in the christmas spirit, and doing it this way, that feeling can last throughout the season and not start and end on the same (very stressful due to executive dysfunction) day.
tldr you dont have to keep doing things the way your family always did them growing up, you can start your own traditions that make YOU feel good, tell all ur friends
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susandsnell · 10 months
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🔥 Batman comics in general
Send me a “ 🔥 “ for an unpopular opinion.
Oooh! I do think a lot of my saltier Batman comics opinions aren't exactly unpopular in nature (too much grimdark and never in the right direction, the misogyny, Killing Joke was a mistake, BruceBabs was a mistake, stop misusing Rogues), so I'll try to bring up some less-discussed ones! (Or at least ones I see discussed less, lol.)
Batfam is conceptually good, but nobody is handling it well. As I've previously expressed, Batfam content constantly oscillates between "Bruce is an abusive kidnapper of traumatized children he trains into child soldiers despite having the means to have them live in luxury, does not provide with love or positive reinforcement, and regularly pits against each other" and some of the most facile, cringey, early 2010s Tumblr conception of found-family to be seen, when I think it's more dramatically effective to find a happy medium between the two. A loving superhero found family with its share of dysfunction, hurts, and mistakes and appropriate nuance being brought to these conflicts is apparently too much to ask for (as is writers remembering Robin(s) and Batgirl literally exist as kid appeal characters).
Likewise, canon Harlivy is seldom handled well. As I said on Twitter the other day, "corporate Pride ate Harlivy". Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy's relationship, both back when it was subtextual and later on as it became Harley's main ship in iterations where she's able to get out of her abusive relationship with the Joker was groundbreaking and important. It was absolutely crucial to middle school me. But somewhere along the way, people lost the plot that they are indeed villainesses (whose queerness was meant to make them more endearing/sympathetic/relatable, but not change this status), and it fell prey to the respectability politics traps that plague just too many sapphic ships once they go canon. In order to be 'good representation', their villainy extends to 'haha RANDOM' irreverent chaos, and their personality gets boiled down to the shallow archetypes of 'chaotic and perky' Harley and 'snarky and sexy' Ivy. Their relationship to one another is 100% fluff, because God knows any nuance, tension, flaws, or friction between two master criminal characters with canonically tragic histories can't possibly be allowed. Because of the misogynistic expectations of Women Being Soft And Good coupled with the homophobic respectability politics of being as toothless, soft, and desexualized as possible to appear nonthreatening, sapphic ships are held to such unfair standards wherein the slightest conflict will be termed abusive and bad representation, and as such, they're written cardboard-flat, and unfortunately, this has befallen Harlivy in most canons where they're together. Even if it's realistically exploring things like recovery for either lady, because that's messy, and complicated, and nonlinear, and who wants that when you can have a memeable 'be gay do crimes'? Oh, but don't worry. Sometimes they will be sexually active - for the titillation of straight men. In-universe. (Don't get me started on the Harley Quinn show...) And poor Selina gets roped into third-wheeling/cheerleading the most boring possible version of them too often...
A lot of the most popular/famous titles are not the better ones. (Not you, Long Halloween, you're a delight and everyone loves you.) Everything that's there to say about The Killing Joke and The Dark Knight Returns has been said better by people smarter and better-versed in comics than me, but Batman: Hush is just contrivance upon contrivance, everyone and their mother is tired of the shit-billion stories about Joker fridging yet another person, and perhaps my most unpopular opinion is that Batman: Year One is entirely overrated. I like the noir atmosphere, the truly corrupted Gotham it gives us, and the sweet triumvirate between Gordon, Harvey, and Bruce, but seeing adaptations like The Batman (2022) and even The Dark Knight (yes, I'm saying something nice about Nolanverse for once lolol) take these elements and do so much more with them really highlights the weaknesses in this story. There's some really good origin/character work for Bruce becoming Batman and the psychology behind it, but past that, not a whole lot happens beyond a very thin and confusing police corruption plot, and everyone is just too damn mean for the sake of the grimdark setting. Bruce injures an already exploited child in the red-light district and sexually harasses the Gordons to throw them off his trail for being Batman, and the latter is played for laughs. Jim cheats on his pregnant wife with a coworker half his age and both women are portrayed as stereotypically in these roles as humanly possible. Selina Kyle is...there, to be angry and sexualized and not much else. It just feels like a lot of buildup without much payoff.
Lastly, and jumping off the above, I'm taking away the Gordon family from writers until they've learned to play nicely with them. I don't know what it is about Jim Gordon that makes writers - men in particular - work through justifying their weird issues about women, but my God, the poor man has been character assassinated to hell and back. (Everyone has in comics, but it's always in the same way with Gordon that properly grosses me out.) If he's not cheating on his housewife with a much younger coworker he's presented as oh-so-noble for not outright workplace harassing, he's neglectful, abusive, or otherwise aggressive to his loved ones in ways that are almost always justified or excused narratively because he's 'dealing with a lot' or xyz past trauma. He's frequently made into a mouthpiece for misogyny, calling women "bitches" in the Arkham series and making other such delightful comments, fetishizing Harlivy (in the Harley Quinn show!), or putting down Barbara's capabilities. If he's written to be struggling with addiction, it's always played as a joke. And for Barbara's part, since The Killing Joke, she's always such a favoured writers' punching bag/doll to put in uncomfortable relationships, often having her talents, skills and intelligence undermined in favour of portraying her as a sex-crazed, overemotional disaster who's in it for the thrills until she is narratively punished in some gendered way. I don't get it! I'm all for what makes characters tick or challenging them or giving them flaws or new horrific situations to work through, but why is it always the same tired, offensive hows and wherefores for the Gordon family? Let them rest!
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myvirtualife · 9 months
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Stumbled upon (or should I say, fallen hard for?) the Lucifer TV series while idly exploring on Netflix, one rare quiet evening. The irony is I’d always been aware about Lucifer from years back, but never checked it out as I’d mistakenly thought it was a rather superficial occult show about the devil on earth, deviating too much from the version that Neil Gaiman conceived or the origin story from Genesis in the Bible. I know, I deserve to be punished for that 👿
But … after seeing the pilot and subsequently binge watching these past few weeks, how wrong I was! And I love that underneath all that surface irreverence is actually a thought provoking, gut wrenching and at times, humorous retelling of the world’s oldest and most dysfunctional family 😈 with its share of supernatural liberties and LA jokes. Plus, the storyteller in me appreciates how each episode cleverly links the case Lucifer’s own circumstances. And the music, oh! I could just watch Bloody Celestial Karoake Jam over and over again.
I am now crushed that it all ended after six seasons. So many untold stories! What led to Lucifer/Samael’s rebellion in the first place? What were his first few moments / years in hell like? How did his relationship with Mazikeen evolve? Did Michael ever find redemption there? Why did God banish his Goddess to hell, and what have they been up to in retirement in their new universe? How was Chloe’s life on earth with her daughters without Lucifer, and how is she taking to her new eternal partnership with him? “Younger” Lucifer, Michael, Lilith and Eve back in the garden? Do Charlie and Rory ever swap notes about their crazy celestial family and arch-angel-turned-ruler of Heaven and Hell-dads?
Also, fan fiction links below. A virtual Pentecostal coin for anyone who sends good recs over! 🪙
The other side of giving in by ViolettaMondarev
gravitational collapse by AlexiaBlackbriar13
Love, or the lack thereof by lucimoment
My word is my bond by PerpetuallyCold
To Hell and back by RadRanz. Alternate series ending.
Caging the Devil by Hircine_Taoist. AU after season 3. Warnings: hurt!Lucifer and really bad!Cain.
Bigger plans by Ermmm67
The Fallen Shall Rise by HarmonyWhitlock. Added bonus crossover with Rush!
Rushed Job by Kat_d86. Another Rush crossover alternate ending.
Ta Biblia by Allicat9 (so many great ones by this author, go check them all out!)
Rational Creatures by Allicat9. Bridgerton AU.
Theogony by Allicat9. AU after episode 324. Constantine crossover and significant OCs.
Detonation by MightBeAWriter. AU after episode 209. (Similarly, go read all of this author’s works)
Rebehold the Stars by MightBeAWriter. Deckerstar season 3 AU. Conflicted!Dan and bad!Michael.
The Perils of Dealing by stickdonkeys. Warnings: Hurt!Lucifer with bad!God series.
Shifting Patterns by waiting_for_the_rain. AU after season 2. Warnings: hurt!Lucifer, good!Cain and bad!God.
Lucifer fanfic collection
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swiftispunk · 3 months
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incoming midnight ramble im so sorry 😭
idk if it's just me but i've been yearning for ysd joel so bad these last few weeks.....i had to reread autumn air just to cope...I need him so bad han it's the brain rot is just getting worse and idk what to do.
i literally don't know why im in your ask box complaining to you but just a little reminder to you that the ysd joel brain rot is getting worse and I thought it would get better but it's 2024 and here I am and I would still do anything for that man.
i also finally got to read snowflakes, a fireplace, and you last night (i've been so busy im sorry) and it was EVERYTHING. im such a sucker for soft joel like that man even in the tlou universe, in the games and the show, yes he's been forced to have a hardened exterior but deep down that man has so much love and praise to give and he would just like some back (dw I give him all the love he needs ;) ) but he really is just a softie and grumpy so I love love LOVE seeing soft Joel and the way you wrote him was everything I needed. it was also comforting to read reader’s backstory. i felt her pain and her feelings about her family, sometimes for people family isn’t always everything and i think people forget how lonely the holidays get for some people when they come from dysfunctional families, i think its easy for people who come from estranged families to push that down but then just like reader when you see how a loving family interacts with one other it hits you and it breaks your heart all over again and the way you captured that and how seamlessly you wrote how they welcomed her in with open arms even if it was just for a little while was so beautiful and made my heart ache for her like she just needed that little reminder that life isn’t over for her and she’ll find her way and love one day. anyways you're absolutely brilliant and your words and story telling always hit home for me (but in a good way bc it brings me comfort strangely?idk) you're a gem fr your work is impeccable and i just felt like telling you even tho i keep saying it and it must be bothersome with how much i keep going on about it and i never know if i should just send a dm or an ask but oh well i felt like it bc i’ve seen some negativity towards writers in here and it’s pissing me off lmao <33
holy smokes i am so sorry for hoarding this ask i've just needed some time to fully absorb it and also dry my eyes long to respond coherently
first of all, you could quite literally never bother me, please DM anytime. also know your asks always make me so, so happy and emotional and i'm truly so grateful that you'd take the time to send this and say so many lovely, kind things
i love your love for ysd joel :') he is coming back THIS MONTH! they are my top priority right now and i'm so excited to dive back into my happy place (even though the next part will get a bit a angsty rip)
also holy shit i am so so so thrilled to hear you enjoyed safpay, and how beautifully you've laid out all the themes and ideas i was hoping to convey with that story. there is truly no greater feeling as a writer than seeing someone really get what you were going for. so thank you, both for reading and for sharing all your wonderful thoughts about it
i just love giving joel these lives where he gets to be his softest self. as much as i love exploring his canon character, i also love imagining how he would have turned out without the trauma of losing sarah and the sweet, dorky, occasionally stressed, always loving old man he would have become.
anyway, god. YOU are a gem, a writer's DREAM truly. thank you for always making me feel so loved and supported. i love you so much <3
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captorsicallfriends · 2 months
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so i finally watched the pjo finale after a long day of school (spoilers below the cut)
LUKE'S VOICEOVER OH MY FUCKING GODS 10/10 NO NOTES
finally they showed luke training percy, it would have been more meaningful at the start spending more time at camp though and showing more interactions with annabeth to establish that bond
it was really interesting seeing luke talk to percy about the gods. good foreshadowing and LOVED luke's analogy to spiders, fucking slayed.
THE WAVE THING THAT HAPPENED DURING THE ARES FIGHT!!! 10/10 NO NOTES (will be using this phrase a lot sorry not sorry)
returned the helm. hmm good yeah
annabeth giving percy the necklace!!!! ahhhh!!!
grover's 'this could've been an email' is so relatable fr
olympus looks kinda cool ngl, like a slightly modernised ancient city. i loved the brewing storms over the empire state building but it would've been better if that weather was there throughout the whole quest since that was mean to show how pissed zeus was.
i would much prefer olympus in its glam and glory from the books and the bright white tones that pretty much set olympus apart and made it so intimidating.
percy bowing his head and returning the bolt. hmmm yes shows the gravity of his meeting.
i loved zeus' whole vibe during this scene, no longer pissed about the lack of plane ride since it was perfectly made up for with zeus' insistence to continue the war. hmm the things really do come together here.
percy telling him about kronos and zeus being like 'i don't need a lecture about my father' was honestly amusing to see but delivered like percy was about to be smited just for bringing him up, yesss, really shows how zeus really doesn't want to deal with it.
is it just me or does zeus' indifference towards kronos rising and him being like 'yeah we do that sort of thing all the time' feel weird to me? maybe i'm reading into it too much because one thing that i noticed in the books was that he really doesn't like talking about kronos and acts like he still fears him (see: hades being frightened about it when percy brings it up). idk i'm prolly just nitpicking
'i will not be weakened by my brothers' 'you already are. your family's a mess' PERCY FUCKING SLAYED THE HOUSE DOWN 10/10 NO NOTES.
percy: *tells zeus that his family doesn't love him and that he needs therapy and that his daddy will come put him into place* zeus: yeah this little shit needs to die. (loved that, btw)
POSEIDON STOPPING ZEUS FROM KILLING PERCY AND SURRENDERING FOR HIS SAKE????? 10/10 NO NOTES (also the bolt looked really fucking cool in this scene)
'[percy] is a forbidden son, he shouldn't exist' 'neither should your thalia' YOU TELL HIM POSEIDON
guys we finally got the ancient greek convo that zeus and poseidon had in the books!!!! this is everything i've been wanting for ages!!!!! (also i'm no expert but it sounded really good to me, ofc i have no reasonable information to base my judgement on so don't come at me)
zeus wanting to embarrass poseidon in front of the council?? hhhh the dysfunctional relationships are dysfunctioning!!!! and looking at poseidon's face, you can see how upset he is at having his pride crushed like that but it's all worth it!!!
also zeus 'family business' is one way of describing your father returning from his retirement home to kill you all.
very flashy exit from zeus. disappointed that the 'your uncle has always had a flair for dramatic exits, he would have done very well as the god of theatre' line didn't make it. again i'm just nitpicking but i loved poseidon's sheer sass in that comment.
you can tell from my extremely detailed analysis that the olympus scene was my favourite out of the entire show. what can i say, 10/10 no notes.
lance reddick as zeus, you will always be famous. may you rest in peace
that being said, i hope whoever is recast as zeus should the show continue matches lance's portrayal because it's fucking perfect to me.
the sheer intimidation and prideful rage we saw from zeus??? the divine fury?? that needed to be established for all the gods, especially ares and hades.
the interaction between poseidon and percy was so good!!! toby stephens really gets poseidon so well
poseidon calling ares a moron is so fucking funny btw. nothing like good old uncle-nephew beef
also how the fuck did sally 'high school dropout' jackson teach percy classics-grad level ancient greek??? why would he have not learnt it at camp like poseidon assumed??
'do you dream about mom?' OH MY GODS THE POSALLY IS POSALLYING
really weird for a sea pearl to return percy in the middle of a fucking field near camp. like not even a lake???
percy staring at thalia's tree was sooooooooo (screams)
loved the welcome back that percy received but would have been more impactful if percy had spent more time at camp and we saw how he was kinda ostracised as a forbidden kid
luke requesting a meeting in the woods???? i see...
the betrayal scene was really good but i'm a little disappointed about not getting the scorpion because it felt so much more serious i feel like.
loved luke trying to recruit percy though
was backbiter always able to open portals??? i don't remember it's been like a month since i reread the pjo series.
loved how luke switched from recruiting to fighting percy right after he said 'i met your dad' hhhhhhhh so good
annabeth throwing the dagger?? slay
wow no one in that godsforsaken writers' room wants annabeth to have a single emotion. this is supposed to be the girl who says 'family, luke, you promised' and justifies luke any chance she gets. she should not be this stoic, i think.
loved how luke ran away instead of fighting annabeth. no one messes with my girl.
chiron's discussion with percy hmmmmm, feels a little early to have percy realise luke was right. like yeah in the books he heavily disagrees with the gods but it's not until heroes of olympus where he's like 'you know what, luke had a point'
dionysus being surprised at percy's name was so funny btw. and so was him yelling at the campers to get the fuck out.
PERCY ASKING ANNABETH ABOUT THALIA'S FEELINGS AND ANNABETH GOING 'percy, it's a fucking tree' FHJSFHKJSD
annabeth being scared of disney world is so funny. poor girl is still recovering from waterland
also can i just say she looks so pretty in this scene, i love the hair
percy's 'just be a kid' hhhhhhhh
grover's searcher's licence being a flower??? lmao
percy being so done with kronos in his dreams is so real of him
'did you have another nightmare' 'yeah, grandpa' 'ew don't call him that' so funny by the way
it was an interesting detail seeing that percy was telling sally about his dreams, i like it tbh
'he told me don't forget to tell your mom you love her' 'kronos, lord of the titans, said that?' 'he could have' percy jackson, you will always be famous
percy's final narration is really good, it's more optimistic than in the books, where he was like 'if you think you're one of us, that's not good' but here he was like 'yeah you're probably right, and we might need you'. it's not bad, per se, but the tone it sets is very different.
the change with sally and gabe. hmmm. well what else were they going to do? not fucking surprised.
FINAL THOUGHTS
the finale was overall so good as an episode, where the fuck was this energy for the rest of the show??? it's like they put all the action and tension into just this and ran out of it for the rest of the show. i hope the show gets renewed so i can see my babies walker, leah, and aryan again but i'm scared to see what else they (rick riordan and co) would fuck up.
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helpicant-stop · 7 months
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Superhero AUs and found family for the trope game?
C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead.
surprisingly c for both of them! i have a superhero au myself (i succumbed😔) (also if you want to ask me what its about i wilk GLADLY rant about it for hours) but i feel like its so hard to find a genuinely good one like.
most of them just feel so recycled, out of character and uninspired (especially the most popular ones but you didnt hear that from me) although there are some gems i've found like the one from @jinx-blackout-84, an unpublished one from @bewaretheidesofmarchyall and another from a mutual who is sadly now deactivated but trust me when i say it was REALLY good. there could be more but i just forgor😭
as for found family i LIVE for it i LOVE it i LAUGH with it but oh god people just dont know how to write that like. a lot of people just write found family as a regular nuclear family but none of them are related. and like oh my god TOO much sbi like i started off neutral-positive with sbi but now it's so oversaturated and for what!!!!!
wheres my found family consisting of two uncles a big sister a grandfather three 6th-grade children a straight up homunculus and a malewife-girlboss couple from 500 years ago!!!!! (yeah i just vagued the secret series what about it. youll never write a better found family than the terces society)
and people keep making found families out of stuff that does NOT need to be found family like guys come on las nevadas is a dysfunctional vaguely homosexual toxic workplace sitcom not a wholesome found family guys please. there are a lot of dynamics out there that people can expand to that doesnt have to but still can be a found family and people arent taking advantage of it enough!!!!!
nobodys talking about how the big 6 from izombie are a fucked up little found family enough like its so funny. og zombie and her girlfriend* i mean best friend who is the ex-mayor and her strange bisexual boyfriend and his mortal enemy and the homicide detective that hates him and the Actual Former Chaos Killer who is ex-fiance now good friend of said og zombie. holy shit
*[plaintext: girlfriend]
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nerves-nebula · 6 months
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Idk if it was recent but I was scrollin for tmnt 2012 mikey stuff and I saw an ask you answered about the 2012 abusive to mikey fics lol- Obv you dont have to answer but Id like to pit my two cents in- Which is like,,,Lowkey as long as its done well I dont think the “omg rise verse treats each other much better and adopt 2012 mikey fics” are that bad- Theres plenty and I mean PLENTY of like abusive splinter abusive 2012 bros fics out there and like its honestly a hit or a miss on all of them???
Like legit as its written well I dont think those fics are exactly much of a problem- Bc its just like “omg they help each other heal” kinda thing- I do personally prefer the fics where rise is like “erm yall are really fuckin rude to each other” “well yall are all emotionall constipated” and just help each other heal n shit lol
-2012 TMNT Enthusiast <3
idk shit about shit TO BE HONEST. I have NO horse in this race except for the nebulous horse-concept of "I like to read fics about abuse and i want the abuse to be realistic or well thought out in one form or another"
i never got around to watching all of 2012 and i probably never will cuz sometimes it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE but not like, in the fun way that i seek out. it makes me uncomfortable in the "oh the people writing this thought this was a funny joke but it mirrors my home life too much to be funny and now im uncomfortable cuz i'm painfully aware that there are ppl out there that think this is just like. comedy. and probably don't even care ppl like me exist." <- person who was lowkey bullied by its sibling
like there are things to appreciate in 2012 for sure and i even like it like 60% to 70% of the time but it's also kind of triggering sometimes and i cant really tell when it will be either one of those.
ok but thats just me talking about my feeligns- BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND:
I honestly don't see a lot of value in reading fics that are like, a meta "here's what i think is wrong with this series" or bashing other versions of tmnt. i mean i understand why someone would write them but they don't hold a lot of value for me personally as a reader.
to this day my favorite A-Team Is Abusive fic is These Days, it's been abandoned i think, but reading it was soooo good for me. I remember the genuine anxiety i felt while donnie was setting up his plan to run away. the authors got other fics too and it makes me CRAVE some good dysfunctional family reconciliation.
also it's clear, or at least it appears so to me, that the author really cares about these characters and is kind of taking the whole "ok but what if its not slapstick and we take the physical violence stuff and belittling stuff seriously" route which is like. yeah i really like that actually.
plus the like, leo dealing with the pressure of leading his family and kinda failing is !!! idk. and i really liked raph there cuz he was like a jerk but also totally understandable to me yknow, if you've been doing something forever it might not occur to you that it's REALLY BAD hhfasujgksadmagg.
GOD IM JUST TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS AGAIN AAA
as for rise/2012 crossovers. uh. shrug emoji. idk shit about shit but the few ive tried to read weren't realllyyyy my kind of thing, cuz they mostly seem to be meta fics about the authors opinon on fandom stuff instead of like. anything else, hefff. so. eh.
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valleynix · 9 months
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wait oh my god i saw a video of a baby elephant chasing some birds then it tripped and fell and of course ran to its mother, and i literally now cannot stop thinking of like… Miranda dealing with her two idiot birds but when they were YOUNGER… like imagine having to deal with those two when they’re about to hit the “terrible” twos???
imagine younger Reader “accidentally” tripping Lunatic and the latter runs to the bird mom, pointing fingers and wailing so she pays attention to them, meanwhile Reader is absolutely pouting with their arms crossed and just “i did NOT-“
baby birds… cuddling with mama bird… oh my god i am screaming, i NEED them to be a slightly dysfunctional family of birds
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alexwatchesshows · 2 months
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Black Sails X review (S2E2)
Spoilers for up to and including E10.
"Strange pairs, Lieutenant, they can achieve the most unexpected things."- Thomas Hamilton
Billy's back! I mean, he's being tortured, but he is still technically back. Unfortunately, because my brain only ever wants to cause me pain, my first thought was of what he's going to go through when he finds out Gates is dead.
We go from that awful biblical torture, to Thomas Hamilton reading the Bible (I want to say Genesis, but I truly know so little about it), and I'll get to the flashbacks later but the way the camera pans over to Flint as Thomas reads "it is not good that he is alone" just breaks my heart.
Anyway, first to Nassau, where shit's getting real. Ned Low's quartermaster is mad at him because he did massively fuck up with the blood on the crates and all that, but Low's violent, vulgar humour and whatever the hell that personality is has somehow won over his men. It's a bit like the season 1 Flint/Gates dynamic, in that Low has convinced his men to go along with his bullshit under the promise of some kind of passive payout, while painting the logical quartermaster as some kind of villains for pointing out flaws in the plan. In this situation, however, the captain seems to be completely irredemable and his plan for massive riches is to endanger and exploit a teenage girl. It's a much harder sell for the audience than attacking an empire. Missing the support of his crew, Meeks seeks support from Eleanor, who is less than happy about her reputation as someone who "(deposes) captains", given what it did to her the last time she did it. I mean, as it was with Vane, it would probably be a good idea to get rid of Low, just on the basis of him being kind of evil and also a massive dickhead, but, again, looking at where Vane is now, I can see why she wouldn't want to risk it. Speaking of Vane, he has somehow been talked into attending the consortium meetings, even if all he does during them is smoke and look general detached from everything. Baby steps, I guess.
Vane's attendence is the only thing that's going well for Eleanor and the consortium, though. The whole shipping plan that was presented as the solution to everything last season is barely working, and, even worse for Eleanor, it's her family name that's the problem. Vane's reputation is proving useful, but, as he (at least feels that he) holds all the power, it's down to him to decide whether Eleanor and her consortium can coninue to hold any power in Nassau, which is not ideal, because he's unreliable at best. Still, he's not entirely wrong when he refers to Eleanor as "a tyrant too weak to enforce her own tyranny". It's a harsh interpretation, sure, but it's not necessarily fully incorrect. Maybe it's this accusation of weakness that pushes her to take a harder stance with Ned Low. That was probably a bad place to start, though, because that man does not care about anything and angering him only results in further violence. Like, a lot of violence.
This level of violence is probably what causes Eleanor to relent and go to Vane for help. She knows that she can't appeal to him with her power, as he's already expressed his disdain for her "tyranny", so she appeals to his "concern" for her. Honestly, these two just keep making each other worse, but maybe if Ned Low's downfall can be brought about as a result of their dysfunctional relationship, maybe it's worth it. And then there's the "prize" Eleanor mentions. Poor Abigail Ashe.
And while violent shit is going down at Eleanor's bar thing, soft, romantic shit is going down at the brothel. I love this plotline so much-- the way it shows Anne slowly coming to terms with her sexuality and processing what it means for her and Jack is just so well-done in all its complexity and,,, emotion. Oh god I love them all so much. This is also possibly the first relationship in the show that is portrayed in a genuinely romantic way, and it's a sapphic relationship, which is one of the many reasons I love this show. It would also have been so easy to just take this whole Anne/Max/Jack dynamic and just put Jack in the role of jealous boyfriend and portray Anne and Max's relationship as just cheating, but my beloved Black Sails had better plans than that. Instead, we show Anne's internal conflict between her feelings for Jack and what she feels she owes him and her feelings for Max-- ones she probably hasn't let herself acknowledge before. Similarly, we all know by now that Jack isn't the kind of person to cause a massive scene and confront the other two, nor does he necessarily even want to. Instead, he just turns up to talk about his business plans. I mean, those are some good ideas, but there's a time and a place. They could also have had Jack go down the route of just completely ignoring the relationship, diminishing the importance/significance of sapphic relationships, but instead we get his wonderful reaction: "Darling, I can understand why you wouldn't want to tell me about this, but please know that all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy. Come to bed when you're through." Just everything about it, from the tenderness of the darling, to the acknowledgement of the conflict Anne must be feeling, and the way his love for her just radiates off him. I don't think I've ever loved Jack (or Anne for that matter) as much as in this moment.
Now to the Walrus crew (technically not on the Walrus but I can't be asked to differentiate at this point). Our unlikely couple are finally getting their shit together and making each other worse. Silver is still asserting that he does not want to be a pirate, and is simply sticking with the crew for the sake of Flint's get rich quick scheme. Flint is so committed to being a pirate that he's going to take down the british empire... somehow. These two are obviously going to work so well together. Both of them are using manipulation as their tactic of choice, but on different levels. Flint knows what he wants and goes directly for leadership. He starts with a slightly misguided attempt at small talk about books with Dufresne (he's so me fr), then turns the conversation into a confession, as if he believes that he can convince Dufresne that he's really really sorry and then Dufresne will just let him be captain again. Don't get me wrong, I do believe Flint when he says the guilt is killing him, but I just don't thing D is the best audience for this. Flint also knows this, as he (maybe) goes for a different tactic. It's never made explicit whether Flint meant to deceive or advise Dufresne. I'm sure his intentions weren't purely to help Dufresne, but he might have genuinely been advising Dufresne for the reasons he believed-- that if Dufresne had successfully taken a prize, his position would have been much more secure. I think it's much like the scene with Billy, neither we nor, possibly, Flint, know what his intentions were. Either way, Dufresne goes ahead with Flint's idea, one that De Groot approves of from a sailing perspective, which really says something about Flint's talent not just as a leader of men, but as a sailor. It really makes you think about what would have happened had he not had to leave London for whatever those reasons were.
As Dufresne's mission to capture a merchant ship goes on, it becomes harder to believe that Flint has the crew's best interests at heart. He narrates the whole thing to Silver and clearly knows what Dufresne should be doing, but makes no effor to advise him on this. As a result, the attack quickly goes downhill. Dufresne also runs into another problem-- aside from his lack of experience-- which is that he doesn't have Flint's notoriety and nor does he have the charisma to make up for it. It's probably this that tips the merchant captain off and gives him the confidence to call for his crew to resist. Then Dufresne's lack of experience also comes through as he doesn't know how to handle the crew in such a situation. Controlling a crew under fortunate circumstances is one thing, but, as we've seen with Flint, retaining their loyalty under hardship and chaos is something else entirely. Dufresne took control of the Walrus crew after a patch of difficulty under Flint, then found fortune under his time as leader but, as soon as he has to deal with something like this, he crumbles. As Mr Logan points out "no one is in fucking charge" on the ship-- Dufresne is too stubborn to give up on a mission that the rest of the crew have lost faith in, De Groot, voice of wisdom though he may be, doesn't hold much authority as a leader, and Flint is still disgraced. Ultimately, Flint is essentially decided as the best option, helped by his willingness to immediately order an effective retreat. Then he heads off to the captain's quarters with all the confidence in the world. The vote hasn't even happened yet, but he knows how to lead well enough to know exactly what he's just done.
At the end of the day, he's still nice to Dufresne, reassuring him that the vote was close-- Flint isn't the type to gloat, at least not in such an over way, and Dufresne could still be a powerful ally. And, most importantly, Flint has a new jacket.
Silver, meanwhile, is taking a different approach to winning back his position on the crew. Honestly, this showcases what I love about S1/2 Silver: he's scrappy. He's not necessarily inherently a team player, but he knows how to work with and against people to ensure his own survival, and, unlike (sorry) Flint, he does it in such an entertaining way that he also ensures that he's well-liked. Flint, god bless his autistic heart, has absolutely no idea what the hell Silver is playing at, and Silver gives him some kind of story about his past. Now, given Silver's track record of lying his ass off, we have no idea whether or not this is true, but, regardless, it's the only insight we've got into his life pre-merchant vessel. Honestly, it doesn't tell us a whole lot that we don't know-- well-off men were rarely conscripted onto merchant vessels as crew members-- but it still fleshes out the sense of powerlessness and potential tragedy in Silver's past. Either way, as the days go by, Silver's ploy of playing the men off against each other starts yielding some results, and, as Flint-- who he has formed an uneasy alliance with-- comes back into power, his survival becomes almost guaranteed.
And now we get more London flashabcks, i.e. backstory of Flint's previous unlikely partnership. In this partnership, however, Flint/McGraw is the realist, and Thomas is the dreamer. He's the one who tells McGraw that, in approaching Nassau, he should forget the pirates. Sure, he's not necessarily wrong in framing piracy as a symptom of a wider issue, but very few men, let alone members of the nobility, would have had the optimism and insight to take that approach. McGraw still tries to point out the flaws in the rest of the plan, listing the extensive resources that would be needed to establish stability on Nassau, and still Thomas is unfazed. I'm not sure whether he's being incredily smart or incredibly stupid about this, but honestly I support him.
Then we get a little insight into the other side of McGraw's life-- his relationships within the navy. It's clear that Admiral Hennesy holds him in some regard, and sees his potential (honestly, he's giving father-figure vibes in this scene, not necessarily good ones though), but, because of his class status, his peers don't hold him in that level of regard. This is yet another problem with the empire/civilisation that we haven't explored much yet, but classism is clearly a massive problem in both James' life and British society as a whole. Then, as the taunting continues, we see what we recognise as Flint's kind of passion and violence arise in McGraw, and a fight breaks out. Hell, he even looks more like the man we know as Flint as he gets roughed up and even gets some blood on him (a key aspect of Flint's appearance). I don't blame him for reacting, but Hennesy isn't wrong when he expresses about "the thing that arises in (James) when passions are aroused [where] ... good sense escaped [him]", and what it could become when "exposed to extremes", which we have already seen with Gates, and which I can't help but think is going to make some kind of comeback in episodes to come.
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the-bloody-sadist · 1 year
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Repressed anon from before! I was wondering, what specifically do you mean by the horror of love? The inherent vulnerability of it, the fact that someone has to die first, something else?
Dissecting complicated emotions and concepts is a passion of mine too, but I can’t do it through art very well yet so I have to do it with words haha
My family was pretty much polar opposite, but with a similar effect somehow. Instead of sterile, my family was nothing but dysfunction and mental illness incarnate. The only person to provide any semblance of normalcy was my super religious grandma lol.
Your art is like. Super aesthetically pleasing exposure therapy for me right now. Trying to get over my squeamishness one beautifully horrifying picture and fic at a time.
Also, as for the terror and regret that comes with opening up about yourself and your experiences— vulnerability is pure courage. Your art is deeply personal and anything that you choose to share about the creation and meaning of it is an honor to learn. Which sounds sappy as hell but it’s fuckin true!! It’s so easy to tear other people down, but it’s so hard to put yourself out there. Also, salient fact here: it’s your blog. If someone doesn’t like what you say on your own personal platform, then they can leave. This is your slice of the void to yell into. Let the zestyness flow through you 😈
And since we’re identifying ourselves using emojis,
- 🦡 anon
Yay, hello again, sweet! I'm loving the names for anons, really helps me keep conversations straight and organized! Welcome to the family, badger anon 🦡 !
And now, oh shit, you've asked me to explain the horror of love comment. It encompasses my life experiences, so it's very personal to me, and the reason why all my romance stories will probably be thrillers and psychological horror. So see I was like...trying to put the horror genre with the love category, and that's when I started using that phrase to describe my work.
Let me mention some factors of my childhood that give light to this phrase, since you shared about your family, too (and thank you for sharing!).
I grew up with a narcissist and an enabler for parents, parading around as the perfect couple. First horror of love: if you're in someone's care, you're also at their mercy.
Hopefully you see my trajectory with this beginning lol.
The love you grow up with is the one you learn to accept as the definition of love. You seek it out unconsciously for the rest of your miserable life. This isn't the case for everyone, of course, as some can break free of it, but it's been my own curse, thus far. I've only broken free for now because I'm staying away from anything deeper than casual dates.
I've talked about it in other asks before, but to me, love is terrifying. Not because of the vulnerability that comes with it or the chance that a partner might die before you, but because the only experiences I've had with that came from those whose true colors were mortifying. And all because parental love became my example. Love meant being ignored, being lonely, playing pretend. Love meant never having boundaries but respecting others' at all costs. Love meant doing everything in my power to please, or impress, or elicit positive emotions, only to learn that, in the end, nothing would ever be enough. No matter what I did or how I acted, there was always something to be fixed, and if my parents' stellar reputation wasn't polished to its finest, I was a sinner, somehow, and something had to be done.
So I basically grew up with zero personality, mirroring everyone else, to be frank. I had access to two whole emotions: fear and happiness. If me or any of my siblings felt anything else, it was "snap out of it" from the parents, no matter the circumstance. Pet dog died? That's okay, try to move on. Cry for one day and you're probably fine. God forbid you speculate that it's because your father abused it, even if it died because it got left too long on a yard chain. A chain it strangled itself in because it was wildly unsafe. Mother miscarried a child? Let's give the baby a funny name and make jokes about it hanging out in heaven on the same day we announce its death to the family.
And me, when I returned from the worst trauma of my life? Well, eventually I became part of the jokes, too, after telling them what I went through. My siblings even repeated a line my abuser said to me as the punchline, sometimes.
All this is to explain that I grew up numb. I was an artist, expressing myself was the biggest personality trait I had. But that passion was stepped on and boxed away, because I had to dress the way they said, draw the things they approved of. "Be yourself" was literally a phrase that they made fun of and said was bad, so I had no self that I knew of. I was them, or whoever I was supposed to become to make them stop hurting me. I was not capable of playing the same game that they did, however, in terms of religion and being affected by nothing. Eventually I imagined I'd lost the ability to feel at all, because I hid anything that did come out, and behind the scenes was in shock. Nothing affected me outwardly except the power of fear. I was never happy, but my family chronically and toxically was, so I had to mirror it to survive in that environment. Otherwise I became the joke, I was seen as moping, or I was told I was uncooperative.
This environment created a sort of trauma-bonded codependency on my siblings. We didn't realize it at the time, but we were cowering under a tyrant and his wife whom everyone told us were the greatest parents in the world. If they made us feel awful about ourselves or isolated us from interactions outside of their watchful eyes, it was just because that's how families worked, and the families who didn't were wrong. Sinful, even.
No public school, no sleepovers, no TV, no 'secular' media. No sex ed, no outside opinions, no movies with language, no looking at other peoples' phones. No books that weren't garbage christian authors who didn't know a thing about writing.
Everything was barbed wire, everything was rules.
So you can imagine how such a view of loving parents was only horror, and how that transferred right over into my first romantic partner. I ran away with that partner to escape that house, and lived in another house that was exactly the same, except without the play pretend, the bumper rails, or the emotional capacity needed to survive.
I won't go into that part, because a stupid story I wrote covers that bit just fine, lol. Sinner, my silly little fanfic about FyoZai. Sorry for the ad break, but that story is my life. If you'd like to learn about my feelings and certain complexities of how I see love, that's where it is in a better form than I could ever explain it, here.
I don't think you should've encouraged me to let the zestyness flow through. I unleashed the trauma dump, and I'm still holding back so much detail. 😂 I shouldn't be such an open book but hey, who reads Tumblr asks anyway except the asker? Maybe like ten out of the thousands that follow me. Although the rest just read Sinner, which is my professional trauma dump LMAO.
Anyway after all that, I had my villain arc and now I'm the one in charge. Mwahahah. I tried lots of stuff after that first relationship, made things worse, discovered new things, realized that I was a sadist, and that being a sadist didn't mean I had some demonic force to get rid of like my mother had thought when I told her as a kid.
A lot of people have "loved" me along the way. The way I felt about that love ranged from disgusted to afraid. For now, asexuality is the place where I'm safe, so that's where I stay, and I blue-ball anyone who asks for anything else. 😇 BDSM is a nice outlet for that bit, though, so I've had my fun with those who wanted me to do pain play on them, without the sexual aspect involved. I think it would be nice to have a dedicated partner someday who was an asexual masochist or something. LMAO.
IN CONCLUSION! Thanks for your beautiful descriptions of my artwork, and for praising my vulnerability on main! I hope I explained the little deal with the horror of love. I hope through my art and my fiction (if you get into that side of my work) will help you dissect all the things you feel, too.
Much love, my sweet! And sorry to anyone whose dashboard got bombarded with my little tragic drama tale.
(P.s. the TLDR for anyone who knows Sinner is that once upon a time I used to be Dazai and now I'm Fyodor [but the reformed Fyodor, without all the evil villain kidnapper rapist stuff LMAO])
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maybeimamuppet · 1 year
Text
i'll be there for christmas (1/3)
hellooooo everyone!! happy holidays to everyone who celebrates something and happy day to everyone who doesn’t!! i hope it’s been wonderful :)
welcome to officially the longest thing i’ve ever written!! yeeha this is apparently the length of a novel so that’s fuckin wild 
and it’s also a gift for my love. merry christmas (or whenever you read this :p) you’re the answer to a wish i didn’t know i was making and i’m so thankful every day that you came into my life. i love you so much <;33
for the rest of you!! tw for 
dysfunctional family dynamics
mentioned homophobia 
mentioned outing 
and as always if i’ve missed something please let me know so i can add it in :) 
enjoy!!
————
Janis wakes up to the sound of her ringtone. 
Not her alarm. She has them set to different sounds. Her ringtone. 
She groans and sits up in bed, brushing her dark hair out of her eyes and fumbling for her phone on her nightstand. 
She huffs when she sees Damian’s name and stupid picture lighting up her screen; her phone buzzing in her hand in a desperate bid for her attention. She hits the green button and puts her phone to her ear.
“What do-”
“Where the fuck are you?” Damian huffs on the other end. “It is nine fifteen, you are half an hour late for your shift, madam. It is the week before Thanksgiving, you know damn well everyone and their mother is getting coffee before they have to deal with their miserable families-”
“Fuck! Shit, Dame, I’m-” Janis begins, flying out of bed and throwing all her clothes out of the hamper to find her work uniform. “I overslept, I’m- shit!” 
“Just get here, I’ll cover for you if boss man shows up,” Damian sighs. “This is the last time, though.”
“I love you,” Janis says. “I gotta go, gimme ten.”
“Ten only.” 
“Maybe fifteen.”
“Ten!” 
“Ten,” Janis echoes, hanging up the phone and grabbing her work hat off its hook by the door. “Fuck my life.”
—-
Janis manages to make it out the door in three minutes flat. Her uniform is stained and wrinkled since she forgot to wash it, her hair and teeth aren’t brushed, she didn’t eat breakfast, and her shoes are untied, but she made it out the door in three minutes and that has to be enough on a morning like this. 
She has her cap hanging out of her mouth as she ties her hair back in a lazy sort of knot, running the four blocks to the coffee shop. 
She sighs when she sees it come into her view, bracing internally for… something. Every day is different. None of them are necessarily good. But they’re all different. 
She’s about to open the door when it flies open at her. She stumbles backwards to avoid a face full of glass door and trips over her untied shoelaces. 
“Watch where you’re fucking going!” she scoffs to the woman who landed on top of her. 
“Me?! You should tie your fucking shoes!” the woman yells. 
“And you should watch for innocent pedestrians before you take off for your fucking marathon!” 
“Do you have any idea who you’re talking to?!”
“A fucking nutcase, clearly!” Janis yells. “Now if you’ll excuse me, your highness, I have a fucking shift I’m late for. Sorry to be in your way with my… common… ness. Look, just leave!” 
“For all you know I’m a paying customer!” the woman yells after her as Janis stalks into the shop. 
“I’m not on the clock yet!” Janis retaliates. “Have a fucking fantastic day, enjoy trampling people!” 
“Hmph!” the woman huffs, rushing off down the sidewalk. Janis shoves her way back through into the employee area to clock in. 
“What the fuck have you done?!” Damian yells, slamming the door open after her.
“What?” Janis sighs, swiping her employee ID card through the system. 
“Do you have any idea who you just yelled at on the fucking sidewalk?!” 
“Some blind businesswoman? She fucking knocked me on my ass, I was well within my right to yell.”
“That was Cady Heron!” Damian insists. “As in heiress to Heron Enterprises and fucking billionaire, Cady Heron!” 
Janis freezes mid-step on her way back to the main shop. “You’re kidding me.”
“No! You fucking- oh my god, Janis!” 
“I just yelled at the daughter of the person who owns my entire apartment complex.”
“He owns half the city, Janis.”
“I just called the daughter of the person who owns half my city a fucking nutcase.”
“Janis!”
“Alright, look, if I get crucified just… deal with my affairs and I love you dearly. Just don’t… don’t think about what just happened.”
“You yelled at a billionaire!” Damian insists.
“Yes! Continue to remind me of that, thanks a fucking million.”
“Billion.”
“I’m gonna pour hot coffee. All over you. And everything you love,” Janis grumbles, taking her spot behind the counter. 
“Tie your damn shoes.”
“Hot! Coffee!”
—————
The next morning gets off to a smoother start. Damian personally set no fewer than fifteen alarms for her, so she’s up well within a reasonable amount of time.
She can walk instead of sprint today, as she carefully adjusts her freshly washed and ironed uniform. 
“Ms. Sarkisian?” a voice asks as she fluffs her hair out from the collar of her polo. Janis turns on her heel and sees a man in a full three-piece suit standing by a very fancy car. He’s even got one of those funky little handkerchiefs in his pocket. And little white gloves. 
“Maybe. Who’s asking?”
“In the car, please, madam.”
“I don’t think so,” Janis replies, turning back around. “Have a nice day.”
“Miss, I really must insist-”
“Look, I don’t know who you are or what you want with me, but I have a shift to get to. Enjoy your gloves.” 
“Ms. Sarkisian,” a woman’s voice says. Janis turns around again and sees a woman standing behind the now open door to the backseat. Janis winces when she sees it’s her. From yesterday. “Please.” 
Janis looks suspiciously between the two of them. The… driver, Janis presumes, gestures gently to the very expensive car. Janis shoots each of them one last look before she slowly makes her way over and gets in. The woman smiles like the cat that got the canary as she takes the far seat. 
“Whoa,” Janis whispers as she sees the interior. 
“Coffee?” the woman asks as they start driving.
“Oh, um… no, thank you. I, er… get enough of that in my day to day. Listen, I’m so sorry about yesterday, I had no idea who you were and I really can’t afford to be sued right now-”
“I’m not suing you,” the woman says. She sighs and reaches out a hand for Janis to shake. “Let’s just forget all about that, shall we? Cady Heron, pleasure to meet you.” 
“Uh… Janis… Sarkisian,” Janis says awkwardly. How often do you get to shake hands with a billionaire just for her to fuck it up? “Same here.” 
“Janis, can I call you Janis?” Cady begins, speaking so rapidly that Janis doesn’t even get a chance to interject. “I have a small proposition for you.” 
Janis looks as she hands over a manila folder. She opens it and sees a nondisclosure agreement as the first document contained within. What the fresh hell-
“What-”
“Listen, Janis, I’m sure you know by now who I am. And that our… how do I say this delicately, our worlds don’t really overlap. And that is why you are perfect for this,” Cady says. 
“And what exactly is this?” Janis asks, continuing to flick through the documents. 
“I need you to pretend to date me.” 
“I- what?!” Janis says, unable to hold back a laugh. “You- I- what?!” 
“Just hear me out, I implore you,” Cady begs. “I’m not exactly young anymore. I’m twenty-four, you know. My family has… expectations. I’m to be married by twenty-six, and the sooner the better. People, and the press, are beginning to talk. And they’re not exactly saying favorable things. When they talk, the common folk talk, and we… we can’t have that, I’m sure you understand.” 
Janis blinks at her. 
“Anyway, I just need someone to assuage the masses, and my family. And that’s where you come in,” Cady says with a smile that doesn’t meet her eyes. “All I need you to do is pretend to be my partner through Christmas. We’ll be ‘broken up’ by New Year’s and on our own merry ways. I’ll never even come through this part of town in person again if you say the word.” 
“I’m still… why… why me?” 
“You made it very clear yesterday that you have absolutely no idea who I am. The press will love seeing me dating a poor person, and the fact that we know nothing about one another will make our inevitable breakup much easier. And you’re someone I’ll never have to see again. I can fake our grisly separation, milk that for ten years so my parents won’t try to arrange my marriage to anyone and by that point I’ll be running the business and able to use that as an excuse.”
“Wow, you really have this all planned out,” Janis chuckles. “So… I just… have to…” 
“Pretend we’ve been together for about three years. For three weeks. And then I’ll pretend to propose, you say no and leave, I’m heartbroken, we never speak again.” 
“Propose?!” Janis yelps.
“Fake propose,” Cady amends. “So. Thoughts?”
“Why the hell would you think I’d agree to this? We didn’t exactly get off on the right foot yesterday,” Janis says. 
“Might help if you tied your shoes.”
“Not the time,” Janis hisses. “Look, as much as you think we’d never see each other again, your family owns half this city! They own my work, and-and my apartment building! If anyone knew about this they’d ruin me, and-and I can’t afford to move-”
“Nobody will know but us and a select few people, and everyone will sign a nondisclosure agreement.”
“Then-then your family will actually think I’m the kind of heartless monster who rejects a proposal around the holidays! They’ll- god, I don’t have a lawyer-”
“There’s a contract in there that states I will undo anything my parents will attempt to do in terms of legal or financial action against you for ‘breaking my heart’. And, quite frankly, they will not have a case in the first place. I’ve already signed everything. We may have a lot of property and stake over this city, but I mean it when I say that after that clock strikes twelve on Boxing Day you’ll never hear from any of us again.” 
“You realize this is a fucking crazy thing to ask of me, right? Like, this… this is weird,” Janis insists. 
“I am aware this is rather unconventional, yes,” Cady nods. “But I’ve covered every possible eventuality and you’re totally protected legally and financially speaking.” 
“That’s not what I mean,” Janis says. “Just… you want me, a complete stranger, to spend the holidays with you, pretend we’ve been dating for years, and then reject a proposal?!”
“That was the hope, yes.”
“Why would you ever think I’d agree to this?”
“Because I’m prepared to pay you one hundred thousand dollars for it,” Cady says. Janis balks at her.
“A hundred-”
“Thousand dollars, yes,” Cady says like it’s entirely obvious. “And there’s a clause in your contract that states you’re allowed to leave for whatever reason should you so choose between the date you sign it and the date of our scheduled breakup. And as long as you help me come up with an excuse and make it believable, you still receive full pay. And if you don’t, I’ll give you fifty thousand anyway.” 
“So… if I… agree to this,” Janis says. “I basically get a hundred thousand dollars guaranteed, and I just…”
“Pretend to love me for three weeks.”
“I…” Janis stutters. “Jesus. You know what? Yeah, okay.” 
Cady hands over a pen. “Excellent. I will need you to sign the NDA before you exit the vehicle just to guarantee nobody else finds out we had this little conversation, but the rest can be handled whenever is convenient for you. I’ve given you the number and address of my lawyers’ office, you can contact them if you have any questions and drop all the documents off there when you’ve signed them.” 
Janis quickly skims the NDA, and it sounds reasonable enough. Almost not daring to believe it, she signs on the dotted line and passes the page and pen back to Cady. 
Almost like she planned it, they come to a stop right outside the coffee shop practically the second the paper touches Cady’s hand. 
“Pleasure doing business with you,” Cady says, giving another half-smile and shaking her hand. 
“Yeah, uh… you too,” Janis says, blinking in confusion as she accepts the handshake. Her jaw drops when Cady passes over a massive black binder as well. 
“Here’s all the information you should need in the coming weeks. Thank you again.”
“Anytime,” Janis says. Before she knows it, she’s blinking at a dust cloud down the road. 
What the Reese’s peanut butter fuck have I just gotten myself into?
—————
“Janis, hon?” Damian asks partway through his walk home from work. 
“Hm?” Janis hums softly.
“Why are you following me home?” 
“I need you right now,” Janis mumbles. 
“Mmhmm. And what’s with the binder?” Damian questions, walking a bit slower to let her catch up. 
“Why I need you right now,” Janis explains. Damian nods solemnly and lets her continue to slowly trail after him. 
Janis enters his apartment when he unlocks the door, leaving the binder and the folder on his coffee table and face planting into his couch. 
“So what’s-”
“Don’t look in the book!” Janis says, rearing upright when she hears him approach it. 
“Why not?” Damian yelps, scrambling away like the binder is apt to explode at any moment.
“Because I think that’s a felony,” Janis sighs. 
“…Say what?” 
“Sit,” Janis says. Damian plops onto his rug like a kindergartener waiting for story time. “Do you have any duct tape?” 
“Um… I think I have some tie dye patterned tape left from pride,” Damian says. “Why?”
“So I can stop you screaming,” Janis sighs. “Just promise you won’t?”
“You know damn well I can’t promise that, Janis,” Damian says. Janis sighs and nods. 
“So. Did you, by chance, um… happen to see what happened this morning?” she begins. 
“Um… no, there was a… young… gentleman in the shop I was, um… quite… focused- let’s just say no, shall we? What happened?” Damian says. Janis raises an eyebrow. 
“A gentleman?” 
“We’re talking about you at the moment, let it out, doll,” Damian says immediately. 
“Fine. But you’ll tell me if he was actually cute later. Anyway,” Janis sighs. “So. Let me set the scene.” 
Damian nods eagerly, leaning forward and resting his chin in his hands.
“I’m walking into work, cursing the world like normal, yadda yadda. Then, a guy behind me goes, ‘Ms. Sarkisian?’ and I turn, and it’s this, like… dude you’d see in, like, a movie. Full suit with the little…”
“Pocket square?”
“Sure,” Janis nods. “And the stupid little hat and white gloves and he’s all, ‘Get in the car please’ and I’m like, ‘I have no idea who you are or how you know my name, I’m sure as shit not getting in your car, Mr. Gloves’.”
“Obviously,” Damian nods. “Wait, how did he know your name?”
“Just wait. So I say no and turn to keep going and then someone else says my name and I’m starting to wonder how many people on the sidewalk know my name,” Janis says. “But this one is a woman, so I, er… checked.”
“Checked, eh?” 
“Checked,” Janis confirms with a glare. “And… it’s fucking her.”
“Her?”
“Cady Heron,” Janis says. Damian’s jaw drops. “And she seemed… less mad than yesterday, so I figured I’d take the chance to apologize for the whole… nutcase… sidewalk incident. So I got in probably against my better judgement and before I can even say sorry she’s… like, making a business proposal at me.” 
“A business proposal?” Damian asks. 
“A business proposal! And you know what she wants?!” Janis says. Damian shakes his head, looking at her imploringly. “I can’t tell you, because I signed a fucking NDA!” 
“You what?!” Damian says, leaping to his… knees. “Okay, so… legally binding document aside. What the fuck, Jan?” 
“I can trust you, right? Like, if I break this… legally binding document I appear to have signed you won’t tell people?” 
“No, obviously. We go to prison together or not at all, and orange is clearly not my color,” Damian says. Janis nods.
“You do have a winter complexion. Anyway,” Janis says, handing over the binder and folder. Damian opens it and peeks at the first few pages. “I have to pretend to be her girlfriend!” 
“You what?!“ 
“Calm down,” Janis says, like she hasn’t just dropped a major bombshell. “It would appear… that I’ll be spending Christmas with… the Herons. And pretending that I’ve been dating their daughter for three years.”
Damian tries to speak, but doesn’t seem to be able to form words. Janis doesn’t blame him. 
“I…” Damian says eventually. “Huh?”
“I know! What the hell was I thinking?”
“What were you thinking?!”
“She… is paying me a… not small amount of money,” Janis explains.
“How much?”
“Hundred grand,” Janis mumbles. 
“A hundred grand?!” Damian yells. 
“Shut up! You have neighbors!” 
“A hundred thousand dollars, Janis!” 
“Shut up! I know!” 
“Okay, so the why has been established,” Damian says with a disbelieving shake of his head. “Did she tell you how the fuck she thinks this is going down?”
“No, she just gave me the binder and said it had everything I need to know. I’m supposed to sign everything in the folder and drop it off with her lawyers and then… study, I guess.” 
Damian opens the manila folder and starts flipping through the documents. He doesn’t actually read all that much, to leave Janis and Cady with some semblance of privacy. And because Janis may be right about it being a felony for him to lay eyes on them. 
“In the event of your early demise?!” he yelps when he sees the phrase on one document. 
“What?” Janis says. “It doesn’t say that!”
“It does!” Damian insists. He hands the document over, and, sure enough, this one details what should happen with the money should either of them die during the duration of the contract. 
“What the fuck?” Janis whispers. “I can split the money between my loved ones if I list their names and contact information for their lawyers or give it to a charity of my choice if I die. And if she dies then I have to give the copy I keep of this to her lawyer so I can still get the money.” 
“Where the hell is she taking you? The fucking moon? How are either of these things a possibility?!”
“I dunno. I really hope it’s a ‘just in case of the worst possible scenario’ thing. She did say she had prepared for every possible eventuality,” Janis says. 
“Is she pretty?” Damian asks quietly.
“What?”
“Cady. You saw her up close, is she pretty?”
“I… yeah, I guess,” Janis replies. “She’s not not pretty, but she was so… impersonal, I guess. It kinda put me off a little bit. It really did feel like some kind of business deal.” 
“Wow,” Damian says. Janis can tell he’s already lost in his own fantasies, probably already drafting a fanfiction about this whole deal in his mind. Janis takes the moment of quiet to give the binder a first skim over.
“Oh my god, she has five brothers?!” Janis yelps. 
“Huh? Oh, yeah, she’s the youngest. First girl, was a big deal when she was born,” Damian says. 
“They all have the same initials!” Janis says, frantically flipping back and forth between the pages. “How am I supposed to-”
“Wow, they look really similar,” Damian says, sitting next to her on the couch and peeking over her shoulder.
“Not helping!” Janis insists. “How am I meant to tell them apart?”
“Hope,” Damian says immediately. “Really hard.” 
“No, no, I can… I can do this,” Janis says. “Studying. It’s just like the SAT’s, right?”
���…Sure,” Damian nods. “Whatever makes you happy.”
“Oh, shut up!” 
—————
Janis is on a plane two weeks later. She settles further into her cushy seat in first class. It’s a long flight to Colorado, two whole hours, so she pulls out the binder to do a last minute crash course. 
Damian made flash cards, which helped more than Janis cares to admit. Janis thinks she has Cady’s entire family down to a t, but she knows there’s also a solid chance she’ll be so nervous she’ll forget everything she knows about her own family as soon as she lands. So she does some last minute studying just to be safe. 
She looks around suspiciously just to make sure nobody is peeking over her shoulder or anything. Nobody is supposed to know she knows Cady yet, and nobody is ever supposed to know that their relationship isn’t real. 
Luckily, she’s in a window seat, so she just leans in closer to the small pane of glass and flips to the first page. 
Cady’s oldest brother. Charles Jacob Heron The Fourth. Thirty-seven years old, loves… embroidered handkerchiefs, imported teas, and peanut butter. Interesting sounding guy. 
Next brother, Clifton Joseph. Thirty-six, likes boats, spas, and gambling. Janis is more than a little concerned by what that could mean.
Then, Clark James, thirty-two. Janis tries to remember his interests without checking the card. Fancy cars, skiing, and… 
She has to check for his third main interest. Scuba diving? Interesting. He certainly sounds more fun than the brothers Janis has read through so far. 
Cady’s next brother is Callum Jefferey. Thirty years old, already has three children, and enjoys… his wife and kids. And jet skiing. Huh. 
And last but not least is Chester Jeremiah. Closest in age to Cady at twenty-seven and seems to be her biggest competition. Competition in what, Janis can’t be sure, but… something. Chester likes fine art, the opera, and imported chocolates. Sounds like Damian’s kind of man. 
Janis intently studies their portraits, trying to find physical tells to keep them separate in her mind. They all look remarkably similar and Janis is not at all panicked. She has a full dossier on practically Cady’s whole family, (including the paternal grandmother she’s supposed to avoid at all costs) but she knows she’ll be spending the most time with Cady’s parents and brothers. 
“Clifton has… the ear,” she murmurs out loud to herself. “God, Charles, what are you about?!” 
Her seat neighbors are starting to look at her oddly, so she turns closer to the window and returns to her silent studying. 
All of the photos look like they were taken by the paparazzi. Maybe they were. How often does Cady actually see her family? 
She continues browsing, looking through the very detailed etiquette instructions. Shake hands, introduce yourself, shut the fuck up. Basically what it boils down to. 
Cady also gave her a list of ‘acceptable’ pet names and interactions. Baby, sweetheart, love, darling… Janis can put the pieces together well enough. Hugs are to be from the front or back only, side hugs look too platonic. Cheek kisses are acceptable, kisses on the lips will be discussed when they meet up in person. Holding hands is also acceptable, but only if their fingers are interlocked. Apparently, it’s also too platonic if they aren’t. 
Janis sighs and flips the book back shut. She frowns in confusion when the pages ripple and a little piece of paper is suddenly poking out the top. She hasn’t seen this before, so she grabs it to see what it is.
A letter. 
Janis,
Hi. It’s Cady. Nobody knows I’m adding this to your notes. So please don’t tell anyone, especially not the lawyers. If you’re a lawyer reading this, no you’re not. 
I just wanted to warn you. The paparazzi know someone is joining us for the holidays. They will be at the airport, and they will figure out which driver is ours. As soon as you get off the plane, people will be looking at you, and looking for you. 
Being in the public eye can be exhausting, especially if you’re not used to it. Just don’t answer any questions and try to ignore the cameras. I’d also advise you to stay away from the internet for the duration of your stay with me. The tabloids can and will be cruel, and having the internet at your fingertips is a blessing and a curse. Just trust me, and avoid them at all costs. 
Nobody knows your name yet, so the driver will have a sign with your name on it. Any other name is a fake and you should not get into their vehicle under any circumstances. 
If any of this ever gets to be too much for you to handle, please let me know. I’ll do whatever I can to help. 
Regards,
Cady Heron
Janis looks oddly at the letter once she finishes, and reads over it a few more times. It’s a bit strange, but either way, Janis decides to heed the letter’s warning. She tucks it back in between the pages and looks out the window she’s next to. 
The landscape is beautiful, she has to admit. They’re getting closer to Colorado, so most of it’s covered in snow. She almost can’t tell where the clouds ends and the snow begins. 
-
Before she knows it, the pilot is announcing their landing and she’s buckling her seatbelt. She watches the ground get closer and closer. She’s bracing, but she’s not sure what for. Landing has never been her favorite part of flights. 
But it goes as smoothly as a landing can. Janis grabs her carry-on and it only takes half an hour for everyone to get off the plane. 
She grabs her suitcase from the conveyor and heads out to the pickup area. My name. 
She walks past at least three cars bearing Cady’s name. She’s more than a bit concerned by how many people are earnestly trying to kidnap her. 
A few other names go by, and then she spies hers. It looks to be the same driver Cady had when she… borrowed Janis that morning last month. 
“Ms. Sarkisian,” he says when he sees her. 
“Yeah. Hello,” Janis says. “Nice to see you again.”
The man blinks in shock, seemingly amazed that she remembered him. “You as well, ma’am. Miss Heron is expecting you presently.”
Everyone around them starts murmuring at the mention of the H-word. The driver tenses, realizing he’s made a grave error. Cameras begin flashing around them. Janis looks around to see them, tilting her head as people start clamoring for her to look every which way and calling out questions one after another after another, so quickly she can’t pick the words apart. 
The driver beckons her into the car. Janis is so overwhelmed that she obeys without a word, desperately wanting out of the situation. Her bag is unceremoniously shoved in the trunk, and Janis is glad she didn’t pack anything fragile. She plops into her own seat with a huff of relief as the driver gets them going. Wherever they’re headed. 
“Ah, Janis, fantastic,” a voice says suddenly from behind her.
“Jesus fuck!” Janis yelps. 
“My apologies, I didn’t mean to frighten you. I trust your flight went okay?” Cady says as she clambers her way next to her from the very back seat. 
“I- yeah, it was fine,” Janis says. “Were you back there the whole time?”
“Oh, yes, of course. I absolutely had to accompany you,” Cady says. “People would talk if we didn’t arrive together. Tinted windows and blankets truly are wonders, aren’t they?”
“Uh… sure,” Janis says. “What-”
“If the paparazzi had seen me you’d never have made it into the car,” Cady says. “But I wanted to be here.”
“Thanks?” Janis says.
“That won’t do,” Cady pleads. “You can’t talk to me as if I’m an alien, nobody will believe us then.” 
“I’m sorry,” Janis says. “This is all just so… weird for me, still. I don’t wanna say anything wrong.”
“We can deal with you saying the wrong thing, it’ll be better than you not saying anything at all,” Cady says. “I swear you won’t offend me or anything. You can feel free to speak your mind.”
“Uh… okay,” Janis says. Cady glares at her. “Sorry, I’m sorry! It’s a lot of pressure!”
“If this is going to be too much for you please tell me now,” Cady says. 
“No, I can… it’ll just take me a second to adjust to all this, y’know? This is already… a whole new world to me. I’m a fish out of water, I gotta figure out how to breathe.” 
“Well, I’d suggest you figure it out quickly. We don’t have a very long drive,” Cady says. “It really shouldn’t be much different from what you’re used to.”
“I’d have to sell several of my internal organs to be able to afford this car.”
Cady purses her lips and nods. “Point taken.”
“I’ll be fine by the time we get there, I just… all I knew about you before this was what my friend Damian told me from reading about you in the magazines and stuff. It’s gonna take me a while to stop seeing you as a celebrity, and everything.” 
“I understand,” Cady nods. “Um…”
“You don’t have to tell me anything embarrassing to try to speed up the process,” Janis comforts.
“Oh, good,” Cady sighs. Janis chuckles. 
“So, the binder thing said you had some… rules you wanted to go over in person?” she prompts. 
“Oh! Yes, thank you,” Cady says. “It is important that this is all believable, but I don’t want to force you into anything you’re uncomfortable with. I felt it would be best to discuss what you’re comfortable with in terms of physical and emotional affection in person rather than just declaring how I’d like it to be.” 
“Oh. Thanks,” Janis says. “I mean, I’ll do basically anything for this amount of money.”
“So… if I pinned you against a wall in front of a crowd of society people and started making out with you, you’d be alright with that?” Cady says. 
“Uh- is… is that likely to happen?” Janis squeaks. 
“I mean, I’d probably pin you to a more secluded wall, but there’s always a chance that may come up and people will see,” Cady says. 
Janis ponders this. Cady prepared for every eventuality before even meeting Janis, she supposes there’s a few Janis herself should prepare for as well. “That makes sense, I guess. Maybe, like… we could have a signal, or something. Just so either of us can have a bit of warning before anything, er… intense? But just, like, regular kisses and things I think I’ll be alright being surprised with.” 
“A signal may be a good idea,” Cady hums thoughtfully. “How about this? One signal for… erm… naughty things. And one if either of us needs to be removed from public view or discuss something privately with the other?”
“Okay,” Janis nods. “What do you think they should be? I don’t really know what would be a good thing to do. What would be obvious, and everything.” 
“Um… maybe a wink, for… you know? If we do it right, that won’t be particularly noticeable. Do you have any nervous habits? We should avoid those.”
“Um… I guess I wring my hands a lot? And I move my lips, but I don’t think I have anything else,” Janis says. “I’ve never really had to pay much attention to stuff like that before, though, so I’m not sure.”
“I tap my fingers, so we mustn’t do anything with that,” Cady hums, crossing her arms and tightening her jaw in thought. 
“We both have pierced ears,” Janis says. “If we need to talk we could adjust our earrings. Or tug on an ear, or something.”
“Yes, that’s brilliant!” Cady says, eyes ablaze with delight. “Alright, that’s handled. Now kiss me.”
“What?” Janis yelps.
“People will be able to tell if we kiss for the first time in front of them. Even my parents,” Cady says. “We should get the first out of the way now to get any awkwardness about it out of our systems.” 
“Oh. Yeah, uh… okay,” Janis says. “Do you wanna… or should I…?” 
“Uhm… do you… want?” 
“I’m fine either way,” Janis mumbles awkwardly. 
“Oh, to hell with it,” Cady breathes. Janis’ eyes widen briefly as she suddenly winds her arms around Janis’ shoulders and smashes their lips together. Janis squeaks softly upon first contact, but tries to reciprocate. She needs practice, and all. 
It’s not a bad kiss, either. Cady’s very clearly inexperienced, which makes sense. She probably hasn’t had a huge amount of opportunities to make out with people in her lifetime, being a billionaire and all. Janis pointedly does not let her bring tongue into their first kiss, and Cady seems to calm down slightly after that. 
Eventually, they fade into a sort of rhythm. Push and pull. Cady starts following Janis’ lead. Janis reads Cady’s responses and adjusts accordingly. 
Janis almost regrets having to breathe when they’re forced to pull apart.
“Okay, yeah, um… that’ll… that’ll work,” Cady says, strangely flushed.
“Good,” Janis squeaks. 
Cady clears her throat and looks out the window, running her hands through her red curls to smooth them down and adjusting her pantsuit back to where it’s meant to be. “We’ll be there in a few minutes, do you have anything else you wish to know or discuss?” 
“Um…” Janis hums pensively. The book covered almost everything. “Do people know that I’m… uh…”
“They’re expecting a woman, if that’s what you’re trying to say,” Cady says. Janis nods. “I came out in high school, so everyone’s known I’m queer for years. And I told my family that I’d be bringing my girlfriend for the holidays this year, so they’re expecting you. I was hoping people would focus on that instead of the fact you’re poor.”
“Thanks,” Janis says, grumbling internally. She’s not poor. She’s just… admit it, you’re broke. “Do they not know I’m… not rich?”
“That they don’t know about,” Cady says. “I’d suggest you start learning to tune people out. My parents are going to judge us quite harshly, and my mother will probably say her judgements right to your face.”
“Eh, I’ve heard all the judgements before, it’ll be nothing new,” Janis shrugs. “People always have stuff to say about my makeup and clothes and tattoos and stuff.” 
“I’d still brace yourself. Things sting in a different way coming from my mother,” Cady sighs. Janis frowns as Cady seems to start bracing herself too. 
“Are you okay?”
“Oh, yes, I’m fine,” Cady blatantly lies. She’s good. Janis almost can’t tell, but there’s an even stronger tension in her shoulders and her jaw is clenched even tighter than normal. “Thank you.” 
“Mmhmm,” Janis hums. 
They’re silent for the rest of the drive, looking out their respective windows at the landscape going by. Janis thinks they must be here when they pass through an ornate gate, complete with a person in a little box who comes out to let them in. 
But they keep going. And going, and going, and going. The road is thin and winding, but long as anything. Uphill, downhill. There’s a bridge at one point over what looks to be a very deep crevasse. Fun. 
Eventually, they come to a stop. Janis jumps a bit, having zoned out for most of the drive up, and undoes her seatbelt. The driver opens the door for her, and she climbs out of the car. 
“Holy shit,” Janis whispers when she sees the place. It’s absolutely huge. It could easily house a hundred people or more. “This place looks like a hotel.”
“Oh, it is,” Cady says, coming up next to her. “My family owns several. We stay at a different one every year for the holidays. I had to talk them out of the one in Switzerland this year.” 
“Jesus,” Janis says softly. “It’s beautiful.”
“Just wait until you see the inside,” Cady grins. “Ready?”
Janis looks between Cady’s small smile and her outstretched hand. She takes it with a nod. “Ready as I’ll ever be.” 
Cady heads up to the front door; about twice as tall as Janis and roughly eight times as wide. She wonders if the doorbell Cady rings is made of real gold or just plated. 
A maid opens the door after a few seconds. “Hello, Miss Heron.”
“Hi, um…” 
“Claire, miss,” the maid replies.
“Hi, Claire,” Cady says. 
“Please come in. I’ll let your parents know you’ve arrived,” Claire says. She leaves them in the extravagant foyer. Janis turns around to look at everything. 
Two sets of marble staircases lead upwards against either wall of the very large room. The ceilings are easily thirty feet high, met by elegant ivory walls and decorated with gold and diamond chandeliers. The rug for them to leave their dirty outdoor shoes on is a deep, rich red, covering a pristine floor tiled in yet more marble. 
It’s been precisely decorated, too. Garlands and white lights are wrapped around the railings to each staircase, and elegant silver snowflakes hang from the chandeliers. There’s a few family photos on the walls. If this is actually a hotel, Janis has a hard time believing they’re there all year round. They must’ve been brought in especially for the family’s stay. 
“Holy shit,” Janis whispers again. She jumps as a butler suddenly comes up.
“Madam Heron, a pleasure to see you again. May I take your coats?” 
“Yes, thank you… um…”
“Simon, ma’am,” the butler says politely.
“Thank you, Simon,” Cady says. She hands him their coats and waves him off with a hand. He shuts the front door behind them and goes off to hang them somewhere Janis can’t see. 
Claire makes a return then. “If you’ll follow me, Miss Heron, and your guest. Your parents are expecting you in the parlor.” 
Cady takes Janis’ hand again as they follow the maid through the winding hallways of the mansion. Eventually they make it to the back side, and Janis has to hold back a gasp. 
A majority of the lower floor of this half of the house is one large room, clearly used to hold dances or parties or other fancy events. The back wall is almost entirely glass; practically floor to ceiling. Janis looks through it to see the mountains a ways in the distance and the lake much closer. It’s all very beautiful covered in snow and ice. 
They keep walking until they reach an only slightly smaller room. Janis wonders if this is the rich people’s version of a living room or family room. 
Claire opens the doors and leaves them with a polite bow. Cady sighs softly and squeezes Janis’ hand, seemingly without realizing.
“Hello, father, hello, mother,” she says. Two figures who were chatting animatedly but quietly in the corner suddenly stop and look in their direction.
“Cady! So good to see you, dear, how was your flight?” the woman says. Cady’s mother. 
“It was fine, thank you Mother,” Cady replies, tone perfectly even. Janis doesn’t like this Cady. She sounds almost robotic, speaking that way, and she’s certainly tense enough to be. “How are the preparations for the party coming?”
“As they always do,” her mother says. 
“Hello, daughter,” Cady’s father says, pulling Cady into the stiffest hug Janis has ever been privy to witness. “How has your work been going?”
“I spoke of it to you on the phone yesterday, Father,” Cady says. “The status hasn’t changed since then.” 
“Oh, yes, you did, didn’t you? Well, it matters not,” her father replies. Cady bristles at that. Janis squeezes her hand gently, not knowing what else to do. Cady’s father looks at her, suddenly, and Janis rapidly understands why Cady is so tense. God, that’s scary. “May we help you?” 
“Um…”
“Mother, Father,” Cady says before Janis is forced to say anything.
“This is Janis Sarkisian. My girlfriend.” 
Absolute silence. Janis thinks she could hear someone drop a pin on the other end of the house. Cady’s parents scan her like something out of The Incredibles, scrutinizing every detail from head to toe. Janis tried to pick a nice outfit to wear on the flight. Dark jeans without holes, her classiest boots, and a soft cream colored sweater. The sweater is Damian’s, which they seem to take issue with. Among other things.
“Hello, Janet,” Cady’s mother says after several minutes of silent staring. “Cady, might we speak with you for a moment?”
“Yes, Mother,” Cady says. Nobody moves. 
“Alone, dear?”
“Oh. Yes,” Cady says. She lets go of Janis’ hand and follows her parents to the far corner of the room. Janis turns around to look at everything in this room. More family portraits on the walls. 
They aren’t smiling in any of them. Except one. Five young boys in matching dapper suits with red ties sit in a perfect row side by side, posture perfect even in the youngest who’s clearly no older than four. 
But in the very middle sits a tiny, chubby baby; with a wide toothless smile, precious freckles on her chubby cheeks, and fiery red hair to compliment her elegant green dress. Cady. 
Janis can overhear bits and pieces of the conversation Cady’s in the middle of with her parents. She looks over without actually turning around, just out of the corner of her eye. Cady is standing a good six feet away from her parents and anxiously tapping her fingers against her arm as they’re folded protectively over her chest. 
The words “unacceptable” and “peasant” come up a few times in rapid succession from the mouth of Cady’s mother, paired with burning glares in Janis’ direction. “Heathen” and “dangerous” also come up a few times, along with a hissed, “she’ll frighten the children!” which is a first. Janis quietly delights in the unintentional compliment. 
Cady seems to be defending her; much more softly but with just as much intensity behind her words. Janis hears her spit, “You have no idea who she really is. Give her a chance.” 
Cady tugs gently on her ear then, looking to Janis out of the corner of her eye. It’s not quite the circumstance she thought they’d be using their signal in, but Janis can understand why she is. It won’t make Cady’s parents like her, but saving Cady is worth it. 
“Should I take our bags to our room?” Janis asks, coming up behind Cady and kissing her cheek. Sure enough, Cady’s parents both look quite miffed with her for interrupting their very important discussion. 
“Oh, don’t be silly, baby, we have people for that,” Cady replies, resting a warm hand against Janis’ cheek and kissing her jaw in return. Janis feels her heart flutter the slightest bit at the pet name. Stop it, this is fake.
“Oh, right,” Janis says. “I forgot. Not used to… actually being in your world.” 
“How quaint,” Cady’s father says curtly. “The two of you may go get settled in. Cady, we expect you to join us for dinner.”
“Yes, father,” Cady says quietly. She takes Janis’ hand again to lead her out of the room. “Come on.” 
“Are they always like that?” Janis whispers as Cady leads her to the… elevator?! 
“Yep,” Cady sighs. “Fronting as a caring family, frigid behind the scenes.” 
“Nice,” Janis says. “Is the rest of your family already here?”
“No,” Cady says, leaning against the elevator wall and crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m not sure of your background, or if you… come from a large family or anything. My parents can be overwhelming enough, and the house is a lot in and of itself. I wanted to be sure you’d have time to acclimate before throwing you into the den with my entire family.” 
“Oh. Thanks,” Janis says. Cady just nods and taps her fingers against her elbow.
“Here we are,” she says when the doors open with the fanciest ding Janis thinks she’s ever heard. “This way.”
Janis runs out after her, following Cady at her very brisk pace down the hall. 
“My brothers will start arriving at… I’m not sure, but some point next week with their families. I trust you checked the binder?” 
“Yeah, I did. Memorized as much of it as I could.”
“Really?” Cady asks, turning briefly to look at her over her shoulder. “I’m impressed. That was quite dense.”
“Yeah, I, er… did my best.” 
“Anything will be appreciated, I’m sure. Anyway. My brothers always spend at least a few days with us for the holidays, but we’ll be here by far the longest. So you have all the time you could want to enjoy the area. And my grandparents will probably arrive as close to Christmas day as possible. Beyond that, it’s just going to be us and my parents for quite a while.”
“Sounds nice,” Janis says. “And when are we expected to be, like, in public together?” 
“As soon as possible,” Cady sighs. “Here’s our room.”
“Holy shit,” Janis whispers. 
“Are you going to say that every time I show you something?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Well, I’m glad I know that now,” Cady says with a faint chuckle. She heads over and falls backwards onto the bed. “We should try to do something public tomorrow, or the day after at the latest. The media’s probably already buzzing about you at the airport. We need to be seen together in person before too long.” 
“Where will we go?” Janis asks. Cady pulls herself back to a sitting position and folds her hands against her knees.
“Wherever you want,” she says with a small smile. 
——-
Janis is awake and presentable bright and early the next morning per Cady’s brief. To be fair, it’s ten in the morning, but that’s still early by Janis’ vacation standards. 
“Morning,” Cady says when Janis walks into the dining room in hopes of some breakfast. “You took a while.”
“I got lost,” Janis says sheepishly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Cady says frantically. “I should’ve waited with you, I didn’t even think of that.”
“No, no, it’s totally fine. One of the butlers saved me. Your second parlor is really nice, by the way.”
“Thank you,” Cady says, smiling at her oddly. “I’m sure you saw some of the photos, then?”
“I did,” Janis nods. “You’re the only redhead?” 
Cady nods, tugging subconsciously on her auburn curls. Cady’s parents, and all her brothers, have dark blonde hair. Cady’s brownish-red hair is a stark contrast, to say the least. 
“I am. My paternal grandmother was a redhead too,” Cady sighs. “I hated it when I was young. And I went blonde for a time in high school, if you can believe that.”
“Really?” Janis chuckles. “Why?”
“It was… just how it went,” Cady says quietly. Janis gets the sense she shouldn’t press this further. It’s clearly an uncomfortable memory for Cady. “Bleaching it did so much damage. I’ve only just gotten it grown out to an acceptable length.” 
“What’s an acceptable length?” Janis asks. 
“This, basically,” Cady says with a shrug. “According to my mother I look uncivilized if I have it too much longer and like a heathen if it’s any shorter.”
“Your mother seems really judgmental.” 
“It… comes from a place of love,” Cady replies. “She wants the best for me and the best of me.”
“Well, if her reaction yesterday was anything to go by, I’m clearly not that.” 
“And that’s exactly the point,” Cady says with a mischievous smile. Janis smiles back. 
It’s quiet for a bit. Neither of them quite know what to say to each other now. Janis stares at the empty place on the huge wooden table in front of her, as if staring hard enough will materialize some breakfast before her eyes. To be fair, it seems a likely possibility in this house. 
“So, um… no family breakfasts?” Janis says awkwardly.
“Oh, heavens, no,” Cady says. “Everyone’s much too busy for that. Dinners are a must, but beyond that we simply eat meals whenever we have the time to. Oh, speaking of which, what would you like? The chefs will prepare you anything you could want. And if we don’t have something, we’ll send someone to fetch it.”
“Anything?” Janis questions. 
“Anything,” Cady confirms. 
“So… if I wanted… scrambled eggs but made with eggs from Japan?” Janis asks.
“We’d send word to Japan,” Cady says with a nod. “Do… is that what you want?”
Janis almost says yes, just to see how that would work. In actuality, she says, “No, no, I was just curious. Um… normal… American scrambled eggs would be fine, though.” 
“American scrambled eggs it is,” Cady says. “Anything else?” 
“No, thanks. I’m not really a big eater in the mornings,” Janis says. “Wait, is it… should I just eat what you had? I don’t want the cooks to have to make something special for me.”
“Oh, don’t be silly!” Cady says. “It’s what they’re paid to do. And I didn’t eat breakfast, anyway.”
“You didn’t?”
“I seldom do, I get so distracted,” Cady sighs. “Eggs do sound quite nice, though, I might have to request a portion of my own.” 
“How do they know what to make?” Janis asks.
“I’ll just put an order in,” Cady says like it’s obvious. Janis frowns in confusion. “To the app?” 
“You have an app?” 
“Yes, of course,” Cady says. “My brother, Clark, is quite good with programming and computers and such. So he designed an app for the servants. My mother even uses it. Much more dignified and easy to manage than yelling across the mansion, or… I don’t know, using bells or whistles or something.”
“That’s cool. I kinda would’ve thought whistles would be more your mother’s speed,” Janis says. 
“Oh, they were for years. Have you ever seen The Sound of Music?” Cady says. 
“She did not,” Janis says, jaw dropping. She has seen that movie. Damian made her watch it before he recreated the entire thing in a one man show just for her. Janis stopped letting him have white wine after that. 
“She did! We all had signals,” Cady says with a quiet giggle. “Anyway. Do you have any food allergies? The kitchens will sanitize everything to ensure you get a safe meal.”
“Um… no, I’m just lactose intolerant. But I can handle milk in small doses, so… no need to sanitize just for me,” Janis says.
“Are you sure? It’s a lengthy process, but there’s other kitchens on the premises. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable,” Cady says. 
“I’m sure. As long as I don’t, like, eat a block of cheese or pint of ice cream I’ll be fine,” Janis says. 
“Alrighty then,” Cady says, pulling out her phone and entering the order. “Two scrambled eggs with no dairy. Anything to drink?” 
“Water is fine, thank you,” Janis says softly. She’s not in a restaurant, but it’s too similar for her to feel comfortable ordering anything but water. 
“And two waters. Coming right up,” Cady says. 
“That’s really cool,” Janis says, peeking at Cady’s screen. “Your brother designed this himself?”
“Yep. Clark’s never been one to accept much in the way of help with his work. He doesn’t care for our father’s business, but he’s done wonderfully with his own freelancing,” Cady says, clearly very proud of her big brother. “He designed these for use when the hotels are actually in service as hotels, but they’re still quite useful for our stays. All I have to do is say what room in the house I’d like a dish or item brought to and then wait.” 
“Sounds handy,” Janis says. Cady nods. 
“It is, quite. Anyway, it’ll be… er, about ten minutes,” she says. Janis nods. Cady nods back, and they’re back to silence. 
-
Breakfast is more than a bit awkward. Janis compliments the food, Cady smiles. Beyond that, they say nothing. 
“Oh, hey, um…” Janis says as she takes her last bite. Cady looks up from her phone expectantly. Janis drops her voice to a whisper, just to be safe. “How many people know about this?” 
“Oh,” Cady says. “You and I. My drivers, my security guards, and my lawyers.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it. It would be unbelievable if many more people than that had to keep our secret. But they’ll be the people closest to us, so I figured that would make things easier on us. Less… paranoia, I suppose.” 
“Makes sense. Um, I’m ready to go. If you are,” Janis says. 
“Are you sure?” Cady says. “Forgive me for saying so, but I’m not absolutely convinced you’re aware what you’ll be getting into once we leave the property.” 
“I know I’ll have to watch everything I say and everything I do and that I should expect at least ten sets of eyes on me at all times,” Janis says, quoting from the binder almost word for word. “And I know I’m expected to act like I’m in love with you but not too much so it’s still realistic.”
“Okay, I seem to have underestimated you,” Cady chuckles. “You really did memorize it?”
“As much as I could,” Janis nods back with a smirk. 
“Nicely done,” Cady says softly. “Then I suppose we should go.”
“My lady,” Janis says sarcastically, offering Cady one of her arms to hold onto.
“Oh, don’t you start. And I should be leading you, Miss Got Lost Half an Hour Ago.”
“Fair enough.” 
—————-
“So have you given any thought as to where you’d like to go?” Cady asks as they watch the landscape shift from isolated mansion to populated suburb to cute little downtown area. 
“Not really. I don’t really know what’s around,” Janis says. “But… it would be fun to go somewhere you’ve never been before.”
“That impish look scares me,” Cady says. 
“Nowhere dangerous. But you don’t seem like you’ve been much of anywhere around this place, quite frankly.”
“I haven’t,” Cady acknowledges. “Shall we just drive around until we find something?” 
“That’ll work,” Janis nods. 
They both settle in and look out their respective windows, on a hunt for an acceptable Christmassy date destination. Cady’s driver takes them through the winding back roads of the neighborhoods. 
“Oh,” Cady gasps suddenly. “What is that?”
“A Christmas market?” Janis says, leaning over to look out Cady’s window.
“How sweet,” Cady says. “It’s beautiful.” 
“It is,” Janis agrees. “Should we go there?”
“I suppose it’s as good a place as any,” Cady says. “Lots of people.” 
“Yeah,” Janis acknowledges around a lump in her throat. She did know in theory what she was getting into, but the reality of being seen in public with Cady is setting in now. There are a lot of people at the market. Couples, families, people running various booths, single people doing some Christmas shopping at the quaint little stalls. All of it makes for quite a crowd that has Janis shaking in her snow boots. 
She has no more time to prepare as Cady climbs out of the car and starts slowly walking towards the market. She pauses after about three feet and turns to look at Janis. 
“Are you alright?” 
“Mmhmm,” Janis hums, nodding frantically. “Yeah, I-I’m good.”
Cady tenderly picks a bit of lint off Janis’ shoulder before she takes and squeezes her hand. “You’ll be fine, I promise. It’s overwhelming the first few times, but after a while you hardly notice it.”
“I’m more worried about what the media is gonna have to say about me,” Janis says. “They’ll probably think I’m corrupting you or something.” 
“Some probably will,” Cady agrees bluntly. “But… you know what is true and what isn’t. As long as you believe that, that’s all that ever truly matters.” 
“That’s deep,” Janis says, trying to lighten the mood. 
“These people do not actually matter in the slightest, I promise you,” Cady says, slowly continuing their walk over. “You’ll be but a passing trend.” 
“That does help,” Janis says. 
“Just try to enjoy yourself,” Cady says. “This is just a normal date.”
“Date,” Janis squeaks. “Right.” 
Eventually, they’re standing smack in the middle of the center. There’s loads of shopping booths selling all sorts of holiday-related trinkets and food and other goodies to the right, a Santa for the kids to meet straight ahead, and even a few activities like ice skating and an ice slide to the left. 
“That tree is huge,” Janis says in awe.
“It is,” Cady says. “It could rival the ones my mother has brought in every year. It’s beautiful.” 
They stand and admire the very large Christmas tree for a few moments longer before they start walking over to see what the booths have for sale. 
“Oh, these little Santas are darling,” Cady says when they walk past one selling little china figurines. “My mother collects Santa figures.”
“Really?” Janis chuckles. 
“Mmhmm. She has hundreds, from everywhere,” Cady says, picking up one with a blue coat covered in snow. “Do you make these?”
“Uh… y-yeah,” the stall attendant says, blinking at Cady in awe. “Um- my-my grandmother and I do. Spend the year making them to sell here.”
“They’re so cheap!” Cady says. “You should charge more for your handiwork!” 
“I-I… we… we only charge what we need to turn a profit, ma’am,” the teenage boy says. 
“Well, that’s no way to run a business,” Cady scoffs. “What are your markups-”
“We’ll take this one, please,” Janis interrupts before Cady can interrogate the poor kid about his entire business practice. He nods frantically and carefully wraps it in bubble wrap so it won’t break. “Thank you. Merry Christmas.”
Cady protests as Janis drags her away from the booth. “Hey! I was just trying to-” 
“Cady, he clearly is not doing this for the money,” Janis says. “He’s doing it to get reactions like the one you had when you saw the figurine. To make people happy, and to do something with his grandmother to bring in a bit of extra money for his family. He doesn’t need you explaining how to turn it into a multi-million dollar Santa Claus making empire.” 
“But he really could take it so much further if he just-”
“Cady, listen, I respect you a lot,” Janis says. “But I also have the perspective of a normal person. They don’t want business talk, okay? They want you to say something nice about what they sell and buy something, maybe chat for a bit, and move on.” 
“Was I rude?” Cady asks softly. 
“…Yeah, a little,” Janis says. “Your heart is in the right place, but… give the business stuff a rest for Christmas, okay?” 
Cady is quiet, but she nods and squeezes her hand. Janis squeezes her back. 
“You okay?”
“Yes,” Cady says immediately, though she’s still looking pointedly at her boots trudging through the thin layer of snow on the brick path. “When you find somewhere natural to, kiss me.” 
“What?” Janis laughs. 
“Don’t look, but someone to our left and a bit ahead is filming,” Cady says. Janis dares to sneak a peak, and sure enough, some passerby has her phone out, shamelessly recording them in broad daylight. 
“Jesus,” Janis tuts. 
Somewhere natural. Conveniently, one of the strands of lights they pass beneath has mistletoe dangling from it. Janis pretends she’s admiring the snow fluttering down and points to the mistletoe. 
Cady smiles and stops in her tracks, grinning up at the plant as she wraps her arms around Janis’ waist and stands on her tippy toes. Janis smiles back and gently cups Cady’s neck in her hands before pulling her into a soft kiss. 
Neither of them stop smiling even when their lips meet. Janis picks Cady up and spins her around, making Cady squeal with a laugh. “Jay!”
“Jay, eh?” Janis whispers, kissing her again. She leans in to whisper in Cady’s ear. “Should I act like I don’t want to be doing this so it makes more sense when we break up?” 
Cady smiles like she’s just whispered something sweet into her ear and leans in to whisper to Janis. “No, we’ll just say you weren’t ready for the commitment.” 
“Oh, great,” Janis chuckles as Cady kisses her cheek. “Is this enough to appease the masses or should I start licking your ear or something?”
“Please don’t do that under any circumstances,” Cady giggles. “I think we’re good. Paps will start arriving seconds after she posts that video, though.”
“I think I’ll live,” Janis says. She kisses the tip of Cady’s nose for good measure, and Cady kisses her knuckles as they start walking again; looking pointedly at everything except the camera and trying to act like they never noticed it. “Can you always tell when you’re on camera?”
“Just about,” Cady says. “My security taught me tips to look out for, so now I can almost always pick out who in a crowd is either already or going to start taking photos or recording. It’s just something you come to expect after long enough.” 
“Sounds like it would get old pretty quick,” Janis says sadly.
“It does,” Cady agrees. She chuckles slightly, more a loud exhale than much else. “Every time I get dressed in the morning I have to expect billions of people around the world to see it.” 
“I’m clearly not used to that,” Janis says.
“No, you look great!” Cady says. “Professional but comfortable. It works for you.” 
“I think this is the first time I’ve seen you in anything except a suit,” Janis chuckles. 
“Hey, they always match and they always have the professionalism I should,” Cady says. “I like my suits.”
“I like them too,” Janis says. “It’s just nice to see you in something else.”
“I am much more comfortable,” Cady chuckles. “Pantsuits are itchier than you’d think.”
“I can imagine,” Janis replies. “They… er, suit you, though. So to speak.”
“Thank you,” Cady giggles. “God, this place is lovely. I can’t believe I’ve never seen it before.”
“It is really cute,” Janis says. “I’m not usually a fan of stuff like this, but this is really nice.”
“Not usually?” Cady asks. 
“I’m not really a huge Christmas person,” Janis shrugs. “Something like this probably would’ve made me nauseous in high school.” 
“Really?” Cady giggles. “What’s different about this one, then?” 
“…I’m not sure.” 
“The company?” Cady teases, knocking gently against her side. Janis turns to look at her with a smile. 
“Nah, I think this one just has a better smell.”
Cady gasps indignantly. “How rude!” 
“I’m teasing,” Janis chuckles. “Better get used to that.”
“Hmph.” 
“Oh, come on,” Janis pleads. “I know what’ll make you feel better.” 
“What are you- oh, what is that smell?” Cady says, all her anger fading as soon as she gets a whiff of warm cider and cookies. 
“Hi,” Janis greets. “Two ciders and… what kind of cookies do you like, Caddy?” 
“They all smell so nice,” Cady says. 
“Thank you, Miss Heron,” the woman behind the booth says. “It’s an honor to meet you.”
“Oh, please,” Cady says with a smile. “I’m just as honored to meet you, I’m sure.” 
“Much better,” Janis whispers in her ear. She chases it with a kiss on the cheek so it looks natural. “Have you ever had a snickerdoodle?” 
“I beg your pardon?” 
“It’s a kind of cookie, baby,” Janis chuckles. “Do you have samples?”
“Oh! Oh, um… for you, of course,” the woman says.
“Oh, no, we’ll pay for it,” Cady says immediately. 
“No, no,” she says. 
“We insist,” Cady says. 
“And I’m paying, I don’t mind,” Janis chuckles.
“What? No you aren’t,” Cady says. 
“Try me.” 
“I’m the billionaire here, honey.”
“And what are people going to say if you don’t let me pay for anything? They don’t know our history, they’ll just think I’m some random person you found on the sidewalk who’s after your money!” 
“You might as well be,” Cady says teasingly. 
“How long have y’all been together, if I may?” the woman asks as she hands Janis a snickerdoodle. 
“Going on three years,” Janis says with a smile. She takes the cookie and pinches off a chunk to give to Cady. 
“How sweet. Y’all are just darling,” the woman says. 
“Oh my god,” Cady says in awe. “This is delicious!”
“I told you,” Janis chuckles. “And thanks.” she says to the woman. “Two?”
Cady nods eagerly. “How much for the lot?” 
“Hm?” the woman replies squeakily. 
“My family would love these, how much would it be for all of them?” Cady insists. “And do you have a permanent shop somewhere? I’ll have to mention you to my father.” 
The woman looks to Janis in shock, seeming to check if Cady’s being serious. Janis has no idea, and shrugs. 
“Um… we sell the cookies for two dollars apiece, so… call it a hundred for… all of them?” the woman says hesitantly. 
Janis hands over ten to cover their ciders and cookies, and Cady forks over five hundred. 
“Oh, there’s too much-”
“Nonsense. Use the rest on your family if you’d like, or yourself. Maybe make some more of these. Did you say you have a shop?”
“Yes, I-I have a bakery with my daughter-in-law,” the woman replies. “On seventh street. Caroline’s Cookies.” 
“I’ll pass along my recommendations,” Cady says. The woman looks around, seeming quite flustered, before she just pulls the entire tray out of their warming bin and offers it to her. Cady motions one of her guards over. “Take this back to the car, please. And feel free to have one if you’d like, they’re quite delicious. Thank you, ma’am. Merry Christmas.”
“Um… Merry Christmas to you as well,” the woman says, waving in confusion as Cady and Janis pick up their more reasonably sized portions of cookie and drink and head off to continue browsing. 
“Caddy?” Cady asks as soon as they’re out of earshot of anybody. 
“Yeah. No offense, but your name is spelled weird,” Janis says.
“None taken,” Cady says. “My parents were very committed to us all having the same initials.” 
“I can tell,” Janis chuckles. “It’s cute, though. But, yeah. You’re Caddy now.”
“I like it,” Cady grins. Janis smiles back until Cady suddenly turns to her in a panic. “Oh, back there, that wasn’t rude as well?!”
“No, no,” Janis says soothingly. “Bit… odd, maybe, but not rude. If you’re gonna do anything to a small business owner, buying their entire stock of something is probably the best option.” 
“They’re so good,” Cady says around a mouthful of cookie. “Oh, dear, I know that’s rude. Excuse me.”
“Nah,” Janis chuckles. “Would almost be endearing if it wasn’t gross.” 
Cady laughs under her breath as she continues chewing, swallowing before she speaks this time. “Everything here is… amazing. And to think I never even knew it existed until today.” 
“Sometimes you just gotta stop and smell the Christmas trees,” Janis shrugs. “Lucky we found it.” 
“Lucky indeed,” Cady says. “And the Christmas trees smell wonderful.” 
“They do,” Janis agrees. “Kinda makes me want a real tree.”
“You have an artificial one, then?” Cady asks as they wind their way through the rows of Christmas trees for sale by a local tree farm. 
“Yeah. Damian and I decided a real one was too much effort for us. And it’s cheaper to just get one that’ll last a few years than blow a bunch of money on a real one that’ll just die in a month anyway.” 
“Damian?” Cady asks. Janis looks at her when she hears a slight panic in her tone. “You’re… in a relationship?!”
“No! No,” Janis says immediately. “God, no. He’s just my roommate. He’s too gay to function. And… obviously gay in the wrong direction.” 
“Oh,” Cady breathes. “God, I didn’t even think to check that.” 
“Well, now you know for next time,” Janis jokes. Cady glares at her. “And… for the record, there hasn’t been anyone.”
“Ever?”
Janis shakes her head. “I was always kind of off-beat in school, so I didn’t have many friends in the first place. And then I made the mistake of coming out when I was in eighth grade, and then I didn’t have any friends at all. So I never really had the opportunity. I had a couple flings in college, but nothing serious. And now I work too much to really have time.” 
“Oh,” Cady says. 
“What about you? If I may ask,” Janis asks softly. They’ve made sure to whisper any sensitive information, but she’s still paranoid about someone listening in. That woman filming them without a care in the world has really thrown her off her rhythm. 
“I’ve never really had much chance either,” Cady says. “Couple brief things here and there, and one girlfriend in high school. There’s more booths this way.”
Well, that’s just about the best non-answer Janis has ever gotten. She decides not to press any further and follows Cady along to look at some more little trinket stalls. 
“Do you collect anything?” Janis asks. “Like your mother?” 
“…Yes,” Cady says quietly, almost like she’s embarrassed. “I collect snow globes.” 
“That’s cute,” Janis says. Cady shrugs.
“Do you have any collections?” 
“Not… really,” Janis says. “Um… I collected state quarters in middle school, I still have my special map in my mom’s attic somewhere. Paintbrushes, I guess. I keep all of them even when I can’t use them anymore.” 
“You paint?” Cady asks softly, looking at her curiously. Janis nods and swings their interlocked hands between them slightly. 
“Yeah.” 
“Just yeah?”
“No,” Janis sighs. “I just… after I came out I was bullied, like, pretty severely. Everyone called me a space dyke because some kid asked me what I was one day and all I could think of was to say I was a space alien with four butts.”
“Clever.” 
“Yeah,” Janis chuckles. “Needless to say, it didn’t go over very well. I got pulled out of school after a while and put into art therapy. So… that’s where painting started for me.” 
Cady hums sadly. “Are you any good?” 
“I like to think so,” Janis says. “Not good enough to make anything off it, though.”
“So that’s why you work at the café?” Cady asks. Janis nods. “Hm.”
“Why were you there?” Janis asks. “When we… um… met.” 
“I’m currently working for my father,” Cady says. “All of us have. When we graduate from university, or… reach a certain age, in Clark’s case, our first job is working for him. It’s helpful to learn business strategies and how to manage things, as well as working skills in case we don’t launch our own billion-dollar enterprises someday. We do that for a year and then we’re left to our own devices.
“And he owns the café, among other businesses in the city. So he sent me along to check up on things and make sure everything was up to our standards.”
“Was it?”
“Well, there was a certain employee I mentioned among a few strong words,” Cady hums. “But I appear to have judged her too quickly.”
“She did the same,” Janis says softly. 
“Did she?” Cady asks. “Hm. We’re being followed, by the way.” 
“How do you-”
“Security gave me a signal, it’s not me being a mind reader. I can’t see backwards,” Cady giggles. “It’s nobody dangerous, this time, just some paparazzi.”
“This time?” 
“Oh, yeah. I only have security because I was kidnapped when I was seven,” Cady says like that’s perfectly normal. “We all do, now. My father’s had a few close calls with assassination attempts and such.” 
“You were kidnapped?!” 
“Only for a while. They actually treated me remarkably well,” Cady says. “I had more candy in those four hours than I’d had in my entire life previously, it was awesome. People are desperate, sometimes. Ransom is a good, quick way to earn money. They knew my father had a lot.” 
“So your father just paid them off?” Janis asks in shock. 
“Oh, heavens, no! No, of course not,” Cady chuckles. “He just called the secret service and they handled it quite quickly.”
“Like… the secret service the president gets?” 
“They were friends at the time, it was a personal favor.”
“You should write a book.”
“You should probably kiss me again,” Cady sighs. Janis kisses her mittened knuckles and looks around. 
“I have a better idea,” she says, running ahead to the sleigh rides being offered. Cady squeaks in surprise and starts running after her. “How much?”
“Up to you. All we ask is that you make a donation to our animal sanctuary if you think we do a good job,” the sleigh driver replies. “Helps us take good care of the horses and their buddies.” 
“And… and the horses are safe?” Cady asks shakily. 
“I can assure you they’re very well trained, miss. You’ll have a smooth ride,” he says. “This here is Butterscotch. She’s a little older, so she’ll give you a nice calm trip.” 
“Okay,” Cady says softly. 
“You wanna go?” Janis asks gently. Cady looks at her, and Janis can see genuine fear in her eyes. “I’ll be right there with you, it’ll be alright.” 
“I don’t like horses,” Cady mumbles.
“We don’t have to go,” Janis offers quietly. “If it makes you uncomfortable. But hundreds of people ride these every day and they’re perfectly fine.” 
“I want to,” Cady says, a bit bolder. Janis grins and kisses her cheek. 
“Good. Hop up,” she says. Cady squeals a bit as she suddenly hoists her up and into the sleigh. Janis hears camera shutters go off a ways away and hopes she doesn’t look too weird lifting Cady practically over her head. Cady pulls her into the sleigh after her and greets her with a sweet kiss as she tosses a blanket over their laps to keep warm. 
The driver sets Butterscotch off to a trot. Cady squeals in fright as they start moving, but she calms down as she gets used to it. 
“So… does it say anywhere in those contracts that we can’t get to know each other?” Janis asks after a while.
Cady looks at her oddly. “Surely you already know everything about me you’d want to.” 
“I don’t,” Janis replies. “Oh, hey. C’mere.” 
“What?” 
“Just in case,” Janis says. “You said the paparazzi are after us.” Cady still looks confused, but she does rest willingly against Janis’ shoulder. “And… now nobody but us can hear what we’re saying.” 
“Smart,” Cady says. She gently laces their fingers together and smiles down at their hands. “Now seriously, there can’t possibly be anything you don’t already know about me, I put everything…” her tone drops to almost a whisper even though nobody can hear them. “In the book.” 
“Yeah, exactly. I know book stuff. I know everything I could’ve found on the internet if I cared enough about billionaires to look you up. I know about your family, and your history, and your business, and what we were talking about earlier. But I don’t really know about you,” Janis says. “And I think if we’re gonna convince people for these three weeks, you should know a couple things about me. But I’m a lot less interesting.” 
Cady considers this before she nods gently. “Yeah, alright. Have you ever considered entering my field? You have quite a mind for business.” 
“Maybe on the surface,” Janis snorts. “I’m terrible at math, though. I think business has too many numbers for my tastes. And I thought you never wanted to see me again as soon as we’re done here.” 
“I suppose that’s fair,” Cady giggles. “Not business then. Do you actually make decent coffee?” 
“I do,” Janis nods. “Coffee, tea, hot chocolate. Basically the menu at the café, I can do pretty well.” 
“Uhhuh. And how much of that is the stock the company purchases?” 
“Your father has good taste for his companies. But it takes a skilled hand to be able to turn that into something people can actually drink,” Janis says.
“Really?” 
“No,” Janis laughs. “I push buttons on machines and it makes stuff happen.” 
“You liar, I was actually starting to believe you!” Cady chuckles back. 
“I thought that’s a big business thing, being a good liar?”
“True. You sneak,” Cady giggles. 
“I do make good stuff though. Have to make my own at home,” Janis says. 
“Hm. Interesting,” Cady hums. “Well, I suppose that was my turn. What do you want to know about me?”
Shit. What does Janis want to know? She wants to know about Cady, but… what about her? 
“Janis?” 
“Sorry, I’m thinking,” Janis says. “Um… what’s- uh… your… favorite shape?”
“My favorite shape?” Cady chuckles. “What is that gonna tell you about me?”
“You can tell a lot about a person by their favorite shape! Now come on, what is it?” 
“Circles are nice,” Cady says. “But I think… stars? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it before.”
“Stars are pretty good,” Janis nods.
“So… what does that tell you about me?”
“That you… like… stars.” 
Cady rolls her eyes. “Brilliant.” 
“Well, look, it’s a lot of pressure! Not every day you get to talk to a billionaire one on one!” 
“Just pray you never become an interviewer,” Cady replies. “I will answer anything within reason. You have signed an NDA.” 
“Anything, huh?”
“Mmhmm. My turn, though,” Cady says. “What’s… something you’d never do no matter how much I offered to pay you?” 
“Skydive,” Janis says immediately. 
“Really? Not a thrill seeker, then?” Cady hums happily. “I did mean, like, between us, but that’s… good to know, I suppose.”
“Oh! Duh,” Janis says. “I thought you meant, like, in general.”
“No, no, that was a good answer!” Cady says, gently knocking against her. “What else?” 
“Hey, that’s two!”
“So you’ll get two, come on.” 
“Fine,” Janis huffs. “I won’t… like, do anything that would… hurt. Physically. Like, if you asked me to break my arm or something. Not doing that. And I won’t hurt you. And I wouldn’t… take some mystery drug that might start the apocalypse.”
“What?!” 
“I dunno what you billionaires get up to in your free time,” Janis says immediately.
“You think the apocalypse would start with a drug? And that I have it?”
“I don’t know, it could happen!” Janis defends. 
“You’re very strange,” Cady hums. 
“Says you.” 
“And rude.”
Janis just raises an eyebrow. Cady huffs and turns the other way, but she’s still firmly tucked against Janis’ side. “My turn?”
“If you must,” Cady grumbles crankily. 
“What makes you smile?” Janis asks softly. Cady tips her head up to look at her. 
“Smile?”
“Yeah,” Janis confirms. “I wanna know what kinds of things make you happy.” 
“Why?” 
“Because heaven forbid I care about you the slightest little bit over the next few weeks,” Janis teases. “I should at least know a couple things so I can do them. Make this seem realistic and everything.” 
“Oh.” Cady says softly. “Um…” 
Janis feels her heart pang the slightest bit as Cady genuinely has to think about her answer. The slight hurt only grows with every second that ticks by. 
“My nieces and nephews,” Cady says eventually. “Always make me smile. And… most of my brothers and sisters-in-law. And I watch videos of animals that are best friends when I get sad.” 
“Oh, yeah?” Janis chuckles. “Which one’s your favorite?”
“There’s a… cheetah and a golden retriever,” Cady mumbles sheepishly. “They grew up together.” 
“That’s cute,” Janis says softly. “Anything else?” 
“I like to eat. I usually smile then,” Cady says. “And I… I don’t know, beyond that.” 
“Well, we’ll just have to find some stuff, then.” 
“Yes, I suppose we will. My turn.”
“Hey, I get two questions!” 
“And you did. If you want to get technical, you got three,” Cady says. “You asked what makes me smile, what video was my favorite, and then if I had any other things.”
“Fine,” Janis pouts. “Ask away.” 
“Tell me about… erm… the friend of yours you mentioned earlier,” Cady says. 
“Damian?” 
“Yes, him,” Cady agrees in such a tone that Janis knows she immediately forgot his name. 
“Okay. I met him when I was in first grade,” Janis says. “I broke his nose.”
“You what?!” 
“He said girls couldn’t punch. I just proved him wrong,” Janis shrugs. “We were best friends after that. We grew up together. A couple other friends came and went for us, but he was always the one I could count on. When we got older we’d always be each other’s beards when we needed one and stuff. Our parents say we’re platonic soulmates.”
“And you’re both queer?” Cady asks gently.
“Yeah. I’m a lesbian and he’s the gayest man to ever walk the face of the Earth,” Janis chuckles. 
“Have you told him about this?” Cady asks. Janis tenses. Will Cady take legal action if she tells the truth? She did sign that nondisclosure agreement. But lying to Cady can’t be a good thing to do either. “It’s alright if you have. If you trust him I suppose I have to as well. And if need comes we can have him sign an NDA too.”
“He’s trustworthy. He does talk too much, but he knows not to tell anyone about this,” Janis says. “We tell each other everything, I had to. And he absolutely loves your family, by the way.” 
“He does?” Cady asks, looking up at her. 
“I think you’re more important to him than the Kardashians, and that’s saying a hell of a lot,” Janis says. Cady laughs. “He reads all the news stories and watches all your interviews and stuff. You’re definitely his favorite. You can do no wrong in his eyes.”
“Really?” Cady asks. “The news and interviews I’ve done don’t exactly portray me in a positive light.” 
“And he is beyond pissed about that,” Janis says. “Every time something new comes out that makes you look bad I’m subjected to him ranting about it while I try to do my job. He’s gone for an entire shift more than once.”
“Maybe I should have asked him to do this instead, then,” Cady says with a small smile. 
“He would’ve for your sake,” Janis snorts. “I told him I’d try to get your autograph for his Christmas present.”
“He sounds lovely,” Cady says. “Might need more than an autograph.” 
“He can be lovely when he wants to. Most of the time he’s just a pain in the ass.”
“Do you talk about all your friends so kindly?” Cady asks teasingly. 
“Yeah,” Janis chuckles. “It’s how I show affection.”
“Hm,” Cady hums. They both startle a bit when they suddenly come to a stop. They look up to see that they’ve finished their allotted loop around the downtown area already. “Oh, it’s over.” 
“See? I told you it’d be fine,” Janis says, loud enough for the driver to hear her now. “Come on, we should finish shopping and head home.” 
Janis climbs out of the sleigh first, and gently picks Cady out after her. She gives her a spin and kiss before she sets her gently on her feet. 
“Thank you,” Cady says to their driver.
“Not a problem, miss.”
“What is your goal for donations this year?” Cady asks, still making sure to stay well out of the horse’s reach. 
“We’re hoping to hit ten thousand over this season, that should get us through the next year,” he replies. “Any amount you can give is appreciated.” 
“Mm,” Cady hums pensively. “Let me make a call.” 
“Um… okay,” the driver shrugs. Janis watches as Cady steps out of earshot and pulls out her phone. She can just about make out the words ‘ten thousand’ and ‘yes, I’m serious’ from this distance. 
“Right,” Cady says as she hangs up and returns. “I obviously can’t give you that much money in person, but we can start with… oh, this,” she says, forking over another huge wad of money. “And someone from my lawyer’s office will be visiting your ranch in the coming days to make sure it’s all up to standards and give you the rest of the money, if that’s alright with you?” 
“The… the rest of the ten grand, miss?” 
“We’ll call it fifteen for luck, and in case the people here are more stingy than you’re accounting for,” Cady hums. “As long as you’ll use it to keep Butterscotch in the manner to which she’s accustomed.” 
“Most of it, absolutely,” the driver says, seeming a bit shaken by what he’s just heard. “A-are you serious, ma’am?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that? Of course I am,” Cady sighs. “Anyway. Merry Christmas, thank you.”
“M-merry Christmas,” the driver replies, waving back at them as they head back towards the market hand in hand. 
“Are you allowed to drop this much money on random strangers?” Janis asks quietly. “This is all adding up really quick.”
“I’m a billionaire, Janis,” Cady chuckles. “What we’ve spent today is just a fraction of what I earn in a month. And to answer your question, I may do whatever I like with it once it crosses from my father’s hand to mine, thank you very much.” 
“Alrighty then,” Janis nods. 
They continue browsing the booths as they slowly start making their way back to the car. They each pick up a few things. Cady gets a small stack of books from a miniature bookstore and explains they’re all for one of her nieces. Janis picks up a few things she hopes, based on what little information the binder provided her, Cady’s family members will like. 
They dodge paparazzi as best as they can in the meantime, trying to make their conversation look more interesting than it actually is and adding in the occasional kiss or small cuddle. 
With a bottle of wintery artisan perfume for Janis’ mother, they decide to conclude their shopping for the day. 
The driver is waiting for them when they return to the car. He helps them deposit their bags of goodies into the trunk next to the cookies and opens the back door for them to climb in. 
“Well, that was satisfactory, I think,” Cady sighs as she pulls off her beanie inside the warm car. “Nicely done.” 
It’s almost odd, now, being on the other side of the large car from Cady after spending hours practically glued to her side. Or her lips. 
“Thanks,” she replies. “How often do we have to do that?” 
“Oh, not very,” Cady replies. “If we do it too often it’ll come across as fake. So… once a week at most, if that.”
“Great,” Janis sighs, slumping down in her seat. It took more out of her than she was expecting. 
“You can rest now, if you’d like. I’ll wake you up when we get back.” 
“Yes, please and thank you,” Janis hums contently, pulling off her mittens to rest over her eyes and settling in for a short cat nap. 
God, being rich is exhausting. 
—————
Janis calls Damian when they get back to the… hotel? House? Both. 
“You’re such a good actress!” Damian yells as soon as she puts the phone to her ear. She winces a bit at the loud noise directly against her eardrum. 
“What?”
“The pictures and stuff from the date you went on!” Damian says. “You guys really look like you’re in love with each other.” 
“Those are already out?” Janis asks.
“Yeah? When was the date?”
“We literally just got back,” Janis says in confusion. “I mean, it’s like a half hour drive and it took me another five minutes to get up to our room, but… like, literally just crossed the threshold.” 
“Seriously? Damn, that is quick,” Damian says. “You guys make a cute couple.” 
“Don’t get too attached,” Janis chuckles.
“Where is Cady now? Is she listening in? Are we being spied on?” 
“Not by her, but probably. I don’t think the security people trust me,” Janis says. “I’m half expecting them to give me a pat down every time I leave our room. Cady’s… working… somewhere, I dunno. She went off in another direction when we got back.”
“Weird,” Damian says.
“Nobody else is here, we don’t have to keep up appearances,” Janis replies. “So… did the pictures have, like, words? To accompany them?”
“Some,” Damian says casually.
“And am I being slandered? Dragged through the coals?” Janis asks. “I’m too scared to look for myself. You have to be my window to the outside world through all of this.” 
“I accept and I am deeply honored.” 
“You already talk like Cady does,” Janis snorts. 
“Wait, seriously?” Damian asks.
“Yeah, everyone in her family I’ve met so far talks like they’re stuck in a novel or something. Fancy words.” 
“Who have you met so far?” Damian asks. 
“Just her and her parents. Her brothers are supposed to come over the next couple weeks,” Janis says. 
“How are the ‘rents?” 
“Some of the tensest people I’ve ever seen,” Janis says. “They hate me.”
“Aren’t they supposed to?” Damian asks.
“Yeah, but not yet,” Janis replies. “What are they saying online?” 
“Um… gimme a sec,” Damian says. “Cady Heron in a relationship with… those bitches! You are not trailer trash!”
“They said that?” Janis replies, unable to hold back a laugh. “I mean, I guess I kind of am by comparison.” 
“Oh, someone on Twitter says you’re pretty,” Damian says. “Um… have you ever done crack?”
“What?!”
“Never mind,” Damian says. “Might be worth a try, though.”
“What the hell are you-”
“Definitely stay away from the internet for a while,” Damian interrupts. 
“Okay? What does that have anything to do with crack?” 
“Maybe just avoid both.”
“Noted,” Janis sighs. “Are they all that bad?”
“Most of them,” Damian says. “But hey, what do they know?” 
“You are always saying they don’t know anything,” Janis says. 
“What is she like?” Damian asks. Janis can practically see him lying on his stomach and kicking his feet back and forth like a teenage girl sharing the latest gossip. 
“She’s… she… uh…”
“Beyond words?”
“In some ways,” Janis says. “She’s just… uh… she… I-I don’t know. She’s much different than she sounded in all the news stories you read me.”
“I told you! I told you they’ve always been wrong about her, I knew it!” Damian cheers. 
“She’s… interesting. And she’s, like, surprisingly easy to make conversation with,” Janis continues. “And she seems… nice. I guess. She bought all of the snickerdoodles from a baker like it was totally normal.”
“It probably is for her,” Damian says. “Were they at least good cookies?”
“Oh, yeah,” Janis says. “Nothing on yours, but a close second.” 
“That is the correct answer,” Damian replies. “I miss you.” 
“I miss you too. It’s weird not being home,” Janis sighs. “I mean, this place is amazing, but it’s just… I dunno, not normal.” 
“It’s only one year,” Damian comforts. “And you know damn well we aren’t celebrating until you’re here.” 
“You guys are ridiculous,” Janis chuckles. “God, what does my mom have to say about all this?” 
“She doesn’t know yet,” Damian says. 
“Good.”
“She might not even find out unless one of us tells her, your mom’s never been one for social media or anything.” 
“That’s true,” Janis sighs.
“What did you tell your family?”
“That I’m spending Christmas with a girl and not to check the news for three business months.” 
“Smooooooth,” Damian replies. “You know Julie’s gonna find out.”
“I know,” Janis sighs. “I’ll think of some better way to explain this to them without getting them hounded by lawyers.”
“If today is anything to go by you’re gonna want to get on that quick.”
“It’s scary, honestly,” Janis says with an ironic chuckle. “Don’t they have to edit the pictures first?”
“Gossip waits for no man.” 
“Sadly true.” 
Janis looks up when there’s a faint knock on the door. Cady comes in behind it, but ducks back out when she sees Janis is on the phone. 
“Dame, I gotta go,” Janis says, motioning Cady back in when she peeks through a crack left in the door. “I’ll call you back later.”
“Is it her?”
“Yes,” Janis huffs with an affectionate eye roll. “Love you.”
“Tell her I say hi! And that I really admire her strength!” Damian says. “Oh, love you too. Bye.”
“Hi,” Janis sighs as she hangs up the phone and plops it into her lap. 
“Hello,” Cady greets. “Sorry for interrupting.” 
“It’s fine. Nothing important,” Janis shrugs. “Just Damian.”
“Your friend?” 
“Yeah. He says hi, by the way,” Janis chuckles. 
“How sweet. Hello back,” Cady says with a quiet giggle. 
“What’s up?”
“Bad news,” Cady sighs. “My parents want you to have dinner with us tonight.”
“Okay,” Janis says. “Is… is that it?”
“I was hoping I could save you a while longer, I did my best to get you out yesterday, but they’re absolutely insistent about tonight and-”
“Cady,” Janis chuckles. “It’s fine. Part of the deal, I’ll manage. How bad could it be?” 
—-
Janis quickly learns exactly how bad it can be. 
The first ten minutes or so pass in absolute silence, which would be nice if it didn’t feel like an omen of things to come. The only sounds are muffled (and very polite) chewing, forks hitting impossibly fancy plates, and Cady occasionally inhaling like she’s about to speak before she decides against it. 
At least the food is good. Really good. Janis is willing to bet something like this would cost her at least a hundred dollars in a restaurant. And she gets it for free every night for almost a month. 
She locks eyes with Cady across the table at one point. Cady looks back as she chews a mouthful of her salmon. Janis tries to surreptitiously shift her eyes to Cady’s parents, trying to ask if she should make conversation or something without speaking. Cady shakes her head slightly and gives a small nod in the direction of her mother. 
Janis dares to sneak a glance as she cuts off another bite of her own fish. Mrs. Heron’s eyes are firmly on her plate. Janis half expects to see it spontaneously combust under the intensity of her glare. 
Her fish isn’t faring much better. For a woman who puts such emphasis on manners and politeness, she’s absolutely mangled her poor dinner. Janis quickly learns why as she sees her sawing at the delicate fish with terrifying aggression. Aggression that Janis knows is entirely aimed at her. 
Janis jumps a bit and tries to play it off when Cady’s father suddenly clears his throat a bit and says, “So… um.”
“Janis, father,” Cady supplies quietly. 
“So, Janis, tell us about your family,” Mr. Heron continues. 
Janis freezes with her fork halfway to her mouth and politely rests it back on her plate. “Oh, um… it’s much less interesting than yours, sir. I have a little sister, she’s eighteen. Graduating high school in the spring. And then there’s my mom.”
“And your father?” Mrs. Heron asks in a tone Janis can only describe as snooty. 
“My biological father passed away when I was four,” Janis says softly. “And my stepfather is… erm, we don’t know exactly, but somewhere in Arizona. He left when I came out.” 
Mrs. Heron’s eye twitches slightly at the mere mention of a stepfather, especially an absent one. Mr. Heron seems to regret opening a conversation at all and quietly returns to his dinner. Janis looks at Cady apologetically, but she shrugs and mouths, “You tried.” 
“The salmon is amazing,” Janis says, giving another feeble attempt at… something. 
“Thank you,” Mr. Heron says when neither his wife or daughter respond. “We pride ourselves on our chefs.” 
“I see why.”
Everyone gives a small nod and continues eating. It feels almost like a scene in a movie before a car comes crashing through a wall or something else spectacularly dramatic. 
But an astounding amount of nothing happens, and the rest of the meal passes in silence. 
—-
“So. See what I mean now?” 
“Oh my god,” Janis groans as she crawls into the large bed next to her. “That felt like if I breathed wrong some nuclear missile was gonna go off or something. Tensest meal of my life.”
“You’ll want to get used to that,” Cady chuckles. 
“I’ll be able to do brain surgery after this trip. Face anything with steady hands.”
“This was actually a more pleasant dinner,” Cady says thoughtfully. “I’m honestly surprised my mother hasn’t torn into you yet.”
“Me too. I’m waiting for it every time I turn a corner,” Janis chuckles. 
“I’m sorry,” Cady says suddenly. “I don’t want you to be so… on edge.”
“Part of the job,” Janis replies. “I can handle whatever she says, I just don’t like the whole element of surprise.” 
“Are you sure? I knew I should’ve prepared you for them more-”
“Cady, it’s fine,” Janis says. “It’s three weeks. They might be taking years off my life in terms of my cardiac health every time we talk, but I’ll manage.”
“I’m very glad it’s you that bumped into me on that sidewalk.”
“Me too,” Janis says. “But you totally bumped into me.”
“I did not!” Cady scoffs.
“You did! You were off like a shot, you ran me over!” 
“Wouldn’t have been an issue if you weren’t standing in the way,” Cady huffs, crossing her arms over her chest as they both stare up at nothing in the darkness. 
“I was only in the way because I needed into the building you were catapulting yourself out of.”
“And you could’ve waited your turn!”
“The windows are tinted, I couldn’t see you until the door almost broke my nose!” Janis defends. 
“I did not almost break your nose.”
“You could’ve,” Janis pouts. “Or my ass.”
“Your ass is fine.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey!”
—————
The rest of that week passes relatively smoothly. Meals are always awkward, but Janis has close to free reign to explore the impossibly large property at her will. Damian gets lots of pictures of the mountains, and Janis takes a few extra to use as references for paintings later. 
The next Saturday, Janis gets to meet the first of Cady’s brothers. She and Cady are chatting in the parlor and munching on the (very few) leftover snickerdoodles from their date at the market. 
“Auntie Cady!” a voice calls. Janis watches as Cady smiles and turns around. She smiled with her eyes. Janis hasn’t seen that before. And god, does she want to see it again. 
“Who is this?” Cady asks, looking at a young boy and an even younger girl. 
“It’s me! It’s Lennox!” the boy says. 
“Mm,” Cady hums suspiciously. “I don’t think so. The Lenny I know is only about this tall.” She holds up a hand to demonstrate. “And he wasn’t missing any teeth!”
“I grew! And I lost my tooth, see? The tooth fairy brought me stock in Netflix!” 
“You grew?!” Cady asks like it’s the most shocking thing in the world. “Let me see. Same hair.” She ruffles it with a hand. “Same eyes. Same cute smile. Lenny?!” 
“Yeah!” Lennox says eagerly. Cady laughs and wraps him in a hug. 
“My favorite little guy, I missed you!” she says. “And if that’s Lenny, then… this must be Fifi!” 
The little girl shrieks happily as Cady picks her up and spins her around, her blonde braids whirling around behind her. 
“Hi,” Cady grins when they come to a stop, looking at the girl still in her arms.
“Hi, Auntie Cady,” the girl replies. “You gotta, um… you gotta… um… meet, um… Nomie.” 
“Oh, my god, I do,” Cady says. Janis watches in slight confusion as she kisses the little girl’s cheek and puts her back down. A woman approaches with a tiny baby in her arms. “Oh, she’s beautiful.” 
“Thank you,” the woman replies. “Naomi Charlotte.” 
“Hi, Naomi,” Cady murmurs, gently stroking the baby’s head. “Happy almost first Christmas!” 
“Do you want to hold her?”
“Can I?” Cady asks. The woman nods and gently passes the baby over. Janis is watching curiously until she feels a small finger prodding at her leg. 
“Hey,” Janis greets.
“Who are you?” Lennox asks suspiciously. The girl crosses her arms behind him like a hype man. 
“I’m Janis.”
“Oh my god,” Cady gasps. “I completely forgot! Janis, this is my nephew Lennox, and my nieces Fiona and Naomi,” she says, gesturing between the girl and the baby. “And my sister-in-law Madeleine, and my brother Callum.” 
“But who’s she?!” Lennox insists, pointing to Janis. 
“Lennox,” Callum scolds. “Manners.”
“Excuse me miss,” Lennox says politely. “Who are you?”
Callum rolls his eyes fondly. “Apologies, we’re working on it. Callum Heron, pleasure.”
“Janis Sarkisian. Same,” Janis replies, trying not to wince at the very firm handshake she receives. 
“Janis is… my girlfriend,” Cady says, walking over and smiling at her. She leans in for a kiss, which Janis returns. 
“Girlfriend?!” Madeleine says. Janis braces. Are they homophobic?  “And you didn’t tell me?! Cady! What happened to sisterhood?”
“You know how it is, Maddie,” Cady chuckles. “I’ll tell you everything over tea tomorrow. I promise.” 
“You’d better. Give me my baby back,” Madeleine says. 
“No. My Naomi,” Cady refuses, turning away when Madeline approaches to take her back. “Fine. I’ll just take… this one!” 
Fiona squeals happily as Cady picks her back up. “Auntie Cady!” 
“What?” Cady says, holding Fiona on her hip. 
“Daddy’s mean.”
“Daddy’s mean?” Cady says, grinning at her brother. “Well, we can’t have that. What did he do this time?” 
“He maked me sit in my car seat the whole entiwe time!” Fiona says in exasperation. “And! And-and he says I don’t getta have any mowe cookies!”
“No more cookies?” Cady gasps in horror. 
“Today! I said no more cookies today,” Callum huffs. “She’s already had six!” 
“Six cookies?” Cady asks, looking at the little girl just to put the whole story together. 
“Wittle cookies,” Fiona defends. 
“Little cookies,” Cady hums thoughtfully. “Well. Far be it from me to undermine your daddy’s parenting.”
“Auntie Cady!” Fiona whines. “Pwease?” 
“But I suppose,” Cady says dramatically. “That…”
“I don’t count,” Janis says, catching onto where Cady’s going with this. Something tells her getting into these kids’ good books is very important, so she offers the little girl one of the cookies she and Cady brought. “Here. I’ll undermine your dad’s parenting anytime.” 
“Thank you Miss Janis!” Fiona says eagerly, wiggling to be put down. Janis grins and accepts the offered handshake the toddler gives. 
“You’re welcome, kiddo,” Janis chuckles. Lennox gets a cookie too, and they both bounce up and down eagerly. “Sorry, Callum.”
“At least Cades gave it a rest,” Callum sighs. “Merry Christmas, baby sister.”
“Merry Christmas, big brother,” Cady replies with a conniving smile. 
“We’re gonna go get settled in. Nice to meet you, Janis,” Callum says. 
“You too,” Janis nods. 
“Auntie Cady, will you play with us?!” Lennox asks eagerly. “I brought my new fire truck!” 
“Oh my gosh, of course! But you should go get settled in with your family first. Come find me in a little bit and I promise I’ll play fire truck with you,” Cady replies. Lennox pouts the slightest bit, but he follows his father towards their rooms. She crouches down as Fiona tugs on the leg of her pants. “What’s up, Fifi?” 
“I like Miss Janis,” Fiona whispers conspiratorially. She’s not quite gotten whispering down, since everyone around can hear her. Cady smiles.
“I like her too. Go find your family,” Cady whispers back, kissing her niece’s cheek and sending her off to find her parents with a gentle pat on her back. “Sorry about that, I should’ve warned you.”
“No, it was fine. You can’t know when any social interaction is going to happen. They seem nice,” Janis says.
“Yeah,” Cady says, grinning faintly at the carpet.
“You really love those kids,” Janis says quietly. “Was cute.”
“I do,” Cady nods. “They’re exhausting, but they’re sweet kids.”
“How old are they?”
“Lenny’s six,” Cady says. “Crazy. He was born yesterday. Fifi’s three, and Naomi is… ffffffour months? Around there.” 
“Cute. Perfect spacing,” Janis chuckles. “Does anyone else have kids?” 
“Yeah, Charlie and Clif both have kids too,” Cady says. “You’ll meet them later. They’re slightly less tiring.” 
“Cool,” Janis replies. Cady smiles at her and nods. 
“Cool.”
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