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brokebonewritings · 1 year

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Growing Pains

Matt Murdock x reader

Tags/Warning: 18+, Language, Emotional Abuse (NOT from Matt), Hurt/Comfort, Angst

Summary: You take Matt home to visit your family, now as a couple, and he finally experiences what you had vented to him all these years. Song: Matilda by Harry Styles

Word Count: 3.2K

Masterlist || Series Masterlist

A/N: This is a content warning, I'm not gonna lie. The EA part is short but can hit home to a few people I'm sure. I hope you enjoy, and please take care of yourselves!

The drive to Maine wasn’t too bad. It was the summer so no risk of ice on the road. Your childhood home was on the coast in Bar Harbor, and it was beautiful.

Too bad there wasn’t a better view in your little Hell’s Kitchen apartment. Maybe you would have felt more comfortable in the city then.

Matt had been more than willing to finally meet your family when you asked. The only hesitation he had was the way they treated you. You had started complaining about them in college after your father had passed.

He could feel how tense you had gotten the closer to Bar Harbor you drove. It was the same every time you visited. It was nice to see your aunts and uncles that came to events, however your mom and sister were a different story.

You had warned Matt that the dynamic the three of you had was a bit toxic. He reassured you that nothing would scare him away. That was reassuring to say the least.

“Can I ask you something?” You ask while turning the radio down a bit.

“Anything.” He replies.

“Have you ever seen the ocean before?”

It was an innocent question. You always felt awkward when you asked about his sight, and if he had seen certain things before he went blind.

“Maybe. Does the view in New York count?” He turns his head towards you.

“Yeah, I would say it does.” You say. “The view here is breathtaking though. Better than the harbor.”

“Describe it to me.”

You take a moment to truly look out the window. There weren’t many cars on the road so you slowed down a bit.

“Well, The ocean is a deep blue color, and the wind is pushing the waves against the small cliffs.” You start. “On the other side of us are green cliffs. When I say green, I mean there is no patch of dead grass anywhere.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Matt give you a small smile. Turning your head, you can see his face in full view. It makes your cheeks blush in a rose tint. He was beautiful to you. Nothing could have prepared you for this man loving you.

An hour later, your car rolls up to the gravel road and you park in the grass. It was a surprise that you were invited to say the least.

The last time you had been in Maine was 2 years prior. You take a step out of the car and walk around the car, waiting for Matt to exit the car.

You both walk up the front porch together and you knock. To your surprise your mom answers the door. She has a big smile on her face as she sees the both of you standing there.

“Oh! y/n! Come in, Come in.” She says holding the door open. “And who might this be?”

You smile nervously, before looking at Matt. “This is my boyfriend, Mom. Matt Murdock.”

“Pleasure to meet you, ma’am.” He says, extending his hand, a smile on his face. God he was such a charmer.

“Nice to meet you.” She starts, while taking his hand. “I didn’t think she got out much, no less having a boyfriend.”

Your mom turns around and walks you both into the living room, where some distant relatives were joined together in groups. The family takes turns introducing themselves to Matt and catching up with a bit, before you take him outside for some air.

“I didn’t think your family was that big.” He chuckles.

“You can finally tell Foggy I beat him at something.” You giggle in return.

The breeze felt nice against your bare arms once you reached the backyard. You see your sister and her fiance sitting at the patio table, and she waves you over.

Hesitantly, you guide Matt over to the table and greet your sister before introducing them. You both take a seat at the table to be more comfortable.

“I didn’t know you could catch someone this attractive, y/n.” She says with a sly smile on her face. You wince in reaction and turn to see Matt’s face. He’s smiling, but you can tell deep inside he’s holding back from saying anything.

You clear your throat before speaking up. “So how is everything? It’s been almost 2 years. Congratulations on the engagement by the way.”

Chelsea, your sister, smiles at you before turning to her fiance. Their hands molding together, not letting go.

“Yeah, It’s been great! We were planning on moving back here before the winter.”

“Are you looking near here?” You question.

She hums and nods in response before turning to Matt. “So how did you both meet? What do you do?”

“Well we have been friends since college.” He starts, turning his head to smile at you. He places his hand on your thigh. “I’m a lawyer. A friend and I have our own firm in Hell’s Kitchen.”

Just as he finishes, your mom comes to sit at the table. “A lawyer. Well at least one of you will have a successful career.” She says.

You turn bright red at the comment. She never approved the fact that you changed career paths in college. Stating that it was the most embarrassing moment in her life.

“I actually have a decent career at The Met.” You say in defense.

“Sure, y/n, that’s why you live in Hell’s Kitchen and not Astoria.” Chelsea says.

“Actually,” Matt’s voice startles you. “Y/n make more than I do. I take more pro bono cases than anything.”

Smiling, you appreciate him coming to your rescue and defending your honor. You sister huff, before your mom speaks up.

“Well that is very charitable of you.” She smiles.

More of your family files out into the backyard as it seems like the party has moved on from inside the house. It was a nice day. You watched as your younger cousins ran around the yard and chased each other. The older men of your family stand around talking about sports and projects. The women, you assume, are gossiping on current affairs.

“Congratulations, Chelsea!!” Your aunt says as she passes by your sister. The confused look you gave her was prominent amongst the groups.

“You got engaged 3 months ago though.” You say, Matt’s grip on your knee was a sign to let the topic drop.

Your sister looks at your mom uncomfortably before turning back to you. “Well, actually Gio and I got married.”

Now you were even more confused. “Like a courthouse wedding?”

“Now, let’s not turn this into a big argument” Your mom starts. “It was a small affair, just family in the backyard.”

“It wasn’t even a big deal, y/n.” Chelsea says nonchalantly.

Mouth falling open, you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. Your sister had gotten married, all your family knew. Everyone except you. Looking at the empty seat at the table, you wondered what your dad would have thought.

“Papa would have been so disappointed.” The words fly from your mouth before you have a chance to think. You see your sister stiffen in her seat.

“Don’t you dare bring Daddy into this.” She spits. “This is exactly why you weren’t invited.”

That was your breaking point. Pushing Matt’s hand off your lap, you stand and rush away. You don’t bother looking back because you know the only person following was Matt.

You didn't stop walking until you reached the end of the dock by the house. Standing there a moment, you considered going back, telling off your family and leaving. Hearing footsteps on the wooden dock makes you turn around.

Matt is walking straight towards you, using his cane to guide him down the way. Not that he truly needed it. Once he reaches you, you let out a choked sob and lean your head against his shoulder. He wraps his arm around your waist to bring you closer.

“They do this to me, every time.” You sobbed. Matt’s eyebrows twist in worry. He’s never seen you cry like this in a long time. Not since your dad had passed.

“Just let it out, sweetheart.” He said as he pressed soft kisses into your hair. That always seemed to sooth you.

The both of you just stood there as you cried. Saying nothing. You didn’t mind though, it was nice of him to let you just feel. No questions asked.

As your breathing slowed and the tears stopped flowing down your cheeks, you looked up to Matt and stared. He looked down at you with a frown plastered across his face.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get emotional.” You finally say.

“You don’t have to be sorry. This was not your fault.”

“Yeah… but my family didn’t make things better.”

You tug at his wrist for a moment to indicate that you were about to sit down. He kneels down at you until realizing you had your feet dangling off the dock. Taking a seat he folds up his cane and places it next to him.

“Sweetheart. You don’t have to keep coming back here if you don’t want to.” He says slowly.

“I feel like I do, or else I can’t see this home again.”

“What do you mean?”

You sigh as you look out onto the lake. A secret you had been keeping for a long time finally falling out of your mouth.

“The house is mine.” You say before looking up to him. His jaw moves as he clenches his teeth. Watching his lawyer brain start to work, you continue. “My dad left me the house, paid in full. I just haven’t had the heart to take it from my mom yet.”

The sigh he lets out is comforting. Like he understood the reasoning behind your current turmoil.

“I see.” He thinks for a moment. “Do you ever plan on taking the house?”

“Maybe one day. When I'm done living the city life, or maybe as a summer home.”

He tilts his head towards you. You smile and lean against his shoulder. Nothing mattered in this current moment. Just you and Matt.

“You know. We’re your family.” He says.

You lift up your head and give him a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“Foggy, Karen and I. We’re your family.” He elaborates. “Family doesn’t have to be blood, y/n”

Smiling, you nod your head and take his hand. Bringing his knuckles up to your lips, you kiss them softly. Watching as his lips curl upward into a smile.

“You always have the right thing to say, huh?”

“I try my best, sweetheart.”

Just as you open your mouth, you hear steps running down the dock. You turn your head to see your cousin running your way.

“Y/n! Your mom wanted you to help her in the office.” He said warmly “Oh! Who’s this?”

Matt turns his head towards the young man, same as you.

“Peter, this is my boyfriend, Matt.” You start “Matt, this is my cousin, Peter.”

“Nice to meet you, Peter.” Matt says with a smile still on his face.

Peter kneels and sticks his hand out for a handshake. “You too, sir!”

You giggle at the sentiment and tap Matt’s leg. Though he was fully aware, he has to keep up the act.

“Pete, he’s blind.” You say.

“Shit! I’m sorry!” He stutters a bit, taking back his hand. “I- I didn’t know!”

“It’s okay. Kinda crazy how we all look like normal people huh?” Matt chuckles, and you giggle as Peter turns bright red. “Where are you from, kid? I’m getting a slight accent from you.”

“Queens.” He says proudly.

“My mom didn't tell me you lived in Queens?” You said confusion in your voice. “We live in Hell’s Kitchen”

“Well Aunt May took me in.”

“Right, I’m sorry Pete…”

“Ah it’s alright, that was years ago…” He stands. “Anyways, your mom?”

“Fuck…” You groan, starting to stand.

Matt reaches his hand out for you and you grab it. Helping him to his feel, you kneel back down and grab his cane and hand it back to him.

The three of you walk back to the house. You listen as Peter and Matt discuss the best pizza in the city. It was like they knew each other for years. As you approach the back door, you see your mom in the kitchen.

Once she notices you, she moves slowly to the next room. Your heart speeds up a bit as you realize your mom probably didn’t need help. Most of the time it was a way to trap you in a corner and bombard you with guilt.

“Matty, you wanna come wait in the parlor while I help my mom?” You say as you turn to him.

He smiles at you and nods. “Of course sweetheart.” He gives Peter a brief goodbye before stepping behind you.

Opening the door, you let him enter first. He waits and grabs your forearm when you shut the door. You lead him into the parlor room that's right outside the office, and he takes a seat on the couch.

“I’ll be right back.”

He nods, and you turn to knock on the office door. You hear the okay to enter before stepping inside. Something was off as the air felt tight. Smothering almost. Your mom sat at the desk in the center of the room.

“Are you done acting like a hurt puppy?” Your mom says as you shut the door.

“Excuse me?”

“You know you hurt your sister’s feelings. I expect you to apologize to her.”

Was this woman serious? She expected you to apologize for your feelings getting hurt?

“I will not be doing that.” You bluntly say. “If anyone needs an apology, it's me.

She snorts at your comment. “You weren’t invited because you always make it about yourself.”

“How could I make it about myself if I never get invited?”

“Because when you are invited, you do this!”

“You know what, stop!” You shout. “I’m not going to be gaslighted over this!”

“What are you talking about, y/n?” She starts. “Don’t you dare raise your voice at me.”

“No! I will raise my voice for once!” You can feel the in the palm of your hand. “You always leave me out of things!”

“We do not! Stop being so dramatic.” She looks back down at the papers on the desk. “I need to discuss something with you, if you’re done yelling.”

That makes you shut up, it always did. You step closer to the desk wiping your hands against your shorts. “What is it?”

“It’s about the house.” She starts. “I’m going to move out of it.”

“You’re moving out?” You knit your eyebrows together “But I thought you were going to wait until you retired?”

“I’m relocating actually. To Washington.”

“So you have to ask me to sign the paperwork for the house?”

“Well…” She hands you a stack of papers. “I want you to give the house to your sister.”

Looking up from the paper, you drop your jaw. “But Papa gave the house to me. It was the only thing I got!”

“Your sister is married now, y/n. She needs a home to start a family in.”

“So then she can buy a house! I’m not signing this.” You say, placing the paperwork back on the desk.

“If you’re not going to use the house, then give it to someone who will.”

“Who said I wasn’t going to use the house?”

The older woman sighed, “There’s no sense in keeping it if you’re going to keep living in New York.”

“Well I’m not signing it over. That’s it.”

There was a beat before your mom started talking again. “You are being incredibly selfish. I’m very disappointed in you.”

“Yeah, well, I knew that for a long time.” You turn to leave.

“Your father would be disappointed too.” She says. “He knew you were a fucking brat, but if he could only see how much.”

This makes you stop dead in your tracks. She was only saying this to get you to do what she wanted. Finally this was what you needed. The final straw. Turning, you smile at your mom.

“You know what, Martha. I’m done.” You start, crossing to the desk. “My lawyer will be sending paperwork for the house. So I think you should start packing.”

“You little bitch.” She stands. “You’re going to kick your poor mother out of her home?”

“Funny. You don’t act like my mother.” That’s the last thing you say before leaving the room.

Once you exit, Matt is already standing by the door. You knew he had heard every word, and part of you wanted him to.

“Let’s go home, Matty.” You say softly, as he takes your arm.

You walk through the house and say a brief goodbye to your relatives before leaving. You wave to Peter and he runs over to give you a hug.

“Don’t be a stranger, Pete.” You say. “If you need us, you know where we’ll be.”

He nods, and you and Matt are on your way. In the car, your hands gripped the steering wheel. You had only been drive for about an hour. Guilt was beginning to build up in your chest once again. The sound of your heart must have been deafening because Matt places his hand on your thigh.

“I’m proud of you.” The words were tender coming from his mouth. You couldn’t help but shed a tear.

“Remember in college when I found out my dad passed?” You say suddenly, he nods in response. “I found out after the funeral. They didn’t even tell me.”

“What?” His hand gripped a little harder. “You never went to his funeral?”

You shake your head. Feeling the tears begin to fall more intensely, you pull the car off to the side of the road. This was the constant routine your mom and sister pulled. A major life event would happen, and you would be the last to know. Finding out through another family member, or in that case, a lawyer.

“That’s why it had been so hard on me. I didn’t even know he was sick. I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

Matt unbuckled his seatbelt then yours and then pulled you close to him. When you felt like that wasn’t close enough, you climbed over the divider and into his lap. He cradled you against his chest while you both sat in silence.

“It’s time you make a new family.” He says softly. You look up towards his face and his blinded gaze is upon you. “I won’t be going anywhere. Neither is Foggy and Karen.”

“That’s a pretty big promise, Murdock.”

“A promise I intend on keeping.” He leans in and kisses your temple. “It seems like you got good aunts and uncles too.”

You smile at the thought. He was right. “I noticed you and Peter were getting along.”

“He’s got a great personality.” He chuckles. You nod in agreement.

The both of you sit there for 10 more minutes before you get back in the driver’s seat. It was a 7 hour drive back to New York anyways.

There was a new peace you felt at the end of the day. Like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

Matt had been right. You had a family that loved you, and wanted you to be around. That’s all that mattered to you now.

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angelica-takach · 2 months

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Kim Minji, you are my starlight.

Summary: People hate androids, so what happens when an open-minded human meets her own android at her front door?

Genre: Robot!Reader, NonIdol!Minji, Fluff.

Warnings!// Deviants, Toxic relationship, Robot x Human relationship.

Minji's POV:

It was a rainy day and I had to work once again at the office. My coworkers all are leaving but like always I stayed late because I Have nothing better to do, but a voice cu me out of my thoughts. "Hey Minji!" I looked up it was Hanni. "Hey. What's up Hanni?" She smiled at me. "Guess what?" I shrugged. "What is it, Han?" She sighed and huffed a little. "You're not good at guessing. I am buying you a big birthday present!" I gasped. "Wait what is it?" She laughed at me. "You don't get to know but I will tell you this...It's a big gift that will arrive on your doorstep within the next couple of weeks." I started thinking about the possibilities of what it could be. "Fine but if I hate it. You are never going to hear the end of it." She laughed again. "Okay then. Noted." with that she left. it started to get late so I packed up and left to head home, but when I arrived there was a big box inside my house. I gasped and was jaw dropped. I read cyberlife on the side of the box. "Oh my god! Hanni! I don't know why this is making me nervous!?" I set my stuff down and took my shoes off and walked in front of the box taking in a deep breath.

I was about six years old, and my parents were always busy, so they bought me an android, so I wasn't alone anymore. Her name was 'Scarlett' we played a lot, and she would feed me and keep the house clean and helped me with homework. I one day came home from school and it was eerily quiet. I walked inside and then got grabbed by Scarlett. "Scarlett what's going on?" I asked her in a panic. "You and me can be friends forever and I can give you a better life if you come with me." I didn't know what to do since I was only six. "I don't think I should Scarlett. You aren't yourself anymore." She hated that response and grabbed me rather harshly by the arm. I heard the doorknob unlock on the front door. "Daddy-..." She pulled out his pistol and shot him. "No! Daddy!" I yanked trying to free my arm, I got free then ran for my room and locked the door. She was banging on it from the other side. "Please let me in Minji Sweetie. I am sorry I hurt your father, but I won't hurt you or your mother." I dialed nine one, one. 'This is 911 what's your emergency?' I cried a little hearing a warning shot go off. 'H-hello I need the police.' I got transferred over to the police. 'Hi there what's the emergency?' I panicked again because she shot another shot towards the door but she missed on purpose. "Minji! Come out now!'" 'There is an lose android in my home.' He calmed his tone. 'What's your name sweetheart?' 'M-minji, Kim Minji sir.' 'Okay sweetheart we've got our best men on the way please hold on tight sweetie.' 'Okay thank you.' I started sobbing. 'She shot my dad.' He sighed on the other end. 'I'm sorry to hear that honey. Everything will be okay. Stay on the phone with me till they arrive.' I heard another shot go off and she only missed because I dropped to the ground. I had to speak barely above a whipser.

'She keeps firing at my bedroom door she thinks she got me but she missed.' He sighed seeming thankful I was okay. 'Okay stay down on the ground and pretend to be dead as best you can sweetie they are about to be there.' 'Okay thank mister officer.' 'You're welcome honey.' A few minutes later the cops arrived and shot her down and they got me out of my room. My mom got called too and she lost it when she found out my father died. "I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm so sorry." I cried into her shoulder, but I never wanted to see another android again.

I don't understand it but this time feels different. I finally got the courage to open the door on the box and the android inside is beautiful looks like she was sculpted by gods. Her short red hair along with her soft and gentle facial features. The info on the booklet in her box with her told me her model was AT700, she is "5'8. It also says to turn her on I need to press and hold the LED on her temple for 10 seconds. I do so and she woke up almost human like. Her LED on her temple started yellow but changed to the blue then she looked at me. "Hi, I'm your new android. My name is Y/n. Nice to meet you. What's your name?" She asked me. "Ki-Kim Minji. Nice to meet you too Y/n." Her LED turned yellow as she took that information in. "I'm an android built for being, a friend, a maid, a housekeeper, a romantic partner or whatever you want of me." She spoke which made me blush a little. "I am okay with you being my friend Y/n." I smiled softly at her. "Okay Minji. I also can cook too and since it is a little past dinner time I will handle it." I went to protest but I need a shower so. I went and showered and then went into my room and got dressed in some lazy at home clothes, when I came out of my room food smelled amazing. I walked into the kitchen and seen her cooking food for me which was nice since I didn't need to worry about it. She turned around and smiled at me which her smile was almost what I would say is a real smile.

"Thank you for the food, Y/n. I appreciate it." She smiled again. "It's no big deal. Do you want me to eat with you?" I looked at her like she was insane. "Androids can't eat, can they?" She nodded but moved her hand gesturing a sort of. "I can because I am made to test the food first before I serve it to you. But if one doesn't want to eat alone I can for that too." I smiled. "You can if you want too." Her LED flashed yellow then red for a second but then it turned blue again. She got her own plate and ate with me. I offered to wash dishes, but she insisted it was fine so i went into the living room to watch a kdrama. Once she was done, she came to get me for bed. "It is about time for you to sleep Ms. Kim." I blushed from the name. "I will go to bed, but I have thirty minutes left of this episode." She nodded and sat down next to me and even opened her arms for me to snuggle. I ended up falling asleep before I finished the episode.

I woke up in my bed, but I sat up looking around and realized I was laying her chest. I jumped up but she looked toward me with concern. "What's wrong Minji?" I started giggling at myself for the behavior. "Nothing is... I just am not used to waking up with someone else in my bed with me." She looked relieved but her LED turned yellow and then blue before she spoke. "Well, I am sorry if you want, I can sit in your chair over there instead of climbing in your bed with you." She pointed over to the chair in the corner of the room, I shook my head. "No. It okay. I just need to get used to it." She nodded. "Well, I'm going to go make breakfast. I assumed you needed to shower so I gathered clothes for you already. Hopefully you like what I picked out." with that she stood up and left the room. I however turned into a blushing mess because she got my clothes. 'God why is it a problem that she got them for me? maybe because I have sexy undies and such. goodness quit being weird Minji.' I went and got in the shower and did my makeup and what not, then I did a once over on the fit and she was not wrong. A satin white button up with a black pencil skirt and some nice black flats to go with it. I came out the restroom and once again my nose smelled the best food ever. "What'd you make for me today?" I asked her. "It is an omelet with some toast and bacon." I gasped that sounds yummy. "Yum!" was my instant response. I sat down and ate in a hurry because I was kind of late on waking up. "Okay I got to go to work but I will be back by tonight anywhere from 8pm to 10pm unless I choose to stay then 12pm. I'll see you later Y/n." I waved and she did too.

Y/n's POV:

I was left alone and had no idea what to do, I could figure out if I have what I need to make dinner for Minji. I walked over to the fridge and found everything I needed and then decided to clean up and make sure all her laundry was done and that the dishes were all clean, once I was done with the dishes I heard a knock. I was hesitant to open the door but opted to do it anyways because Minji, my owner isn't home, so I did it for her. "Hello there what can I do for you?" I asked politely. "Is Minji here?" A younger looking male asked. "No but I can give her a message for you if you want." I offered since she wasn't home. "Can you just tell her I stopped by?" He asked. "Sure thing Mr.?" He pulled his hand out to shake mine, to which I took the opportunity to shake his hand. "Heeseung. Lee Heeseung." I smiled at him. "Okay Heeseung, I'll make sure she gets your message." He smiled then left.

Time Skip~

Minji's POV:

I arrived home a little past 10, worried a little about my android being alone. I opened the door and dinner was just being finished. "Hi Minji!" was her cheerful response to me coming in. "Hi Y/n. How are you today?" She froze again, LED turning yellow then red then back to blue. "I'm always fine, I was made for being an android to take care of the house when one leaves it. I made Tteokbokki for dinner." I gasped so hard at what she said. "Okay. I'm so excited to eat." I hurried up and went to the restroom and washed my hands so I could come eat, when I came out Y/n was already seated at the table waiting for me. I sat across from her. "So, a guy came by asking about you earlier Minji." I froze a little. "W-who was he?" She looked like she was remembering what she heard earlier. "He said his name was Heeseung and he wanted me to tell you he came by." She continued eating but I knew it was time for me to finally break it off with him. "I got to call him and break it off with him." She stopped eating. "What do you mean?" she genuinely looked like she actually cared. "He and I were in a relationship, but I can't do it anymore with him." her LED turned yellow then back to blue, once again processing the information. We finished eating dinner, she washed the dishes, I showered then got in bed and she followed. "Hey... Y/n?" She looked down at me. "Yes Minji?" I took in a deep breath. "You'll never leave me, right?" I looked up at her, her LED turned yellow then red then blue again. "Never. I'm your android till you choose to get rid of me." She spoke so calmly. I sighed and fell asleep all snuggled into her chest.

I woke up alone in bed this time, concerned I got up and walked to the kitchen to see her cooking breakfast for me again. She turned around and smiled at me. "Oh, you're up. I was going to bring you breakfast in bed." She turned around to continue cooking. I however started smiling like a fool. "Oh, thank you Y/n. I'll be right back." I went to the bathroom and shut the door calmly behind me, but I started blushing and hitting my chest because my heart was pounding out of my chest. Finally, I finished using the toilet and I washed my hands coming out to eat now. I got seated while she brought me coffee and my plate "Thank you Y/n." She smiled again. "You're welcome Minji.' We started eating and then there was a knock on the door. "Do you want me to get that Minji?" she asked me. I shook my head. "No, I got it Y/n." I stood up checking the peep hole- Shit it is Heeseung. I opened it and greeted him. "Hi Heeseung. I was going to call you to see if you wanted to go somewhere for coffee." He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's whatever, can I come in?" I nodded so he walked in. "Woah! I forgot you have an android." He smiled and waved at her, to which she responded the same way. "Should I give you privacy Minji?" She asked me. "No, you can stay it's fine." I gestured my hands telling her to sit back down at the table. "So, is this what you've been doing? Playing house... WITH YOUR FUCKING ANDROID!?" He threw a flower vase and shattered. He got closer towards me scaring me. "What the fuck Heeseung!? I am literally almost always at work; I don't have time for you anymore because of it." I started shaking from anger now. "And who are you to judge me!? You've literally cheated on me!" He then throws my tv to the floor. "Fuck you Minji!" He got closer to me pinning me against the wall, i tried to escape I kicked his shin and ran for my bedroom.

Y/n's POV:

I watched Heeseung follow Minji to her room and her panicked breathing following suit. I felt a weird error. I swear I could see me breaking through a wall and I watched it burst with my final slam against it. I ran into her room to find him pinning her into her bed trying to force himself on her. I grabbed him and threw him into the floor. "What the fuck!? I thought you androids weren't supposed to do this shit." He stood up and tried to punch me, I grabbed his arm. "You might want to think before laying your hands on women you fucking sick bastard." I flung his arm, but I dared to hit him back. "Stop it Heeseung get out!" Minji finally yelled. He huffed. "I'm glad I cheated. You never were good enough. You know... You two deserve each other." He pointed to me and Minji. Finally, he stomps out of here and slams her door behind him. I rushed over to her to comfort her. She tensed up under my hold for a second but relaxed into it and cried on me. "Why couldn't he not act like an asshole!?" Her loud sobs could be heard but I rubbed her back. "It's okay Minji. I promise I'm not going anywhere." I hugged tighter but was careful.

Time Skip~

It was about lunch time, and she was sleeping on my chest which I couldn't describe how it made me feel yet, but it was a warm comforting feeling. I tried to get out of her hold, but she felt me and got up too. "Wh-where are you going?' she asked groggily. "I need to make you lunch." She nodded. "Well don't leave me alone. I wanna come with you." she yawned as she spoke. I stood waiting for her to finish using the restroom. After she came out, we walked into the living room/kitchen area and there was broken glass from her tv and vase shards too. I put an arm out to stop her from walking forward, then I went and got the broom and dustpan to clean it up. Once I was done, she wanted to help make lunch which I let her since she didn't want to be alone. Once we finished making Gimbap, we sat down and ate lunch in the quiet. I took our dishes to the sink and washed them afterwards. I walked toward the living room noticing her standing there shaking a little. "Are you... O-okay Minji?" she started shaking her head. "No, I'm not Y/n." I sighed. I... I want to hold her. No that is wrong I shouldn't 'want' to hold her. I walked forward unsure of what I was hoping for, and I opened my arms to her, which she actually accepted. I snuggled my nose in her hair taking in her scent. "It's going to be okay Minji." She started sobbing harder against me. "I need to buy a new tv now thanks to him and that vase was my mothers." she trembled at the end. "it's okay Minji. I can replace them for you if you want?" She shook her head. "No, I need to buy this myself." she sat up wiping her eyes, she gasped like she just realized something. "Oh my god! you are a deviant, aren't you?" I couldn't make eye contact at first, but she turned my face towards hers. "Yeah. I did it for you because he was gonna... he was gonna hurt you and I couldn't bear the thought." she gasped again a smaller one this time, but she then leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Thank you, Y/n." she hugged me. I finally can put a name on this feeling she is making me have. I love her, I am deeply in love with this girl, and she was going to be the death of me. She is my starlight.

A/n: My god this took me a lot longer than I anticipated but hopefully you all enjoy. I will make another part to this, and I promise it'll be good and a little smutty... 😉

#fanfic #fluff #fyp #newjeans #kim minji #minji x reader #minji #newjeans minji

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animentality · 4 months

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you guys will see a post talking about how incels are refusing to form basic human connections because of toxic masculinity, lone wolf syndrome, and seeing women as sex objects whose only purpose is to be emotionally and sexually available for men...

and then start talking about how people with social anxiety are people too :((( what's wrong with being socially awkward?

like bro.

If you have social anxiety, and you have a hard time communicating, and you're neurodivergent, and you're an introvert... yeah ok, but why do you immediately side with guys whose entire mantra is that women aren't people and they shouldn't be lonely ever, because women should be provided to them like service dogs by the government?

I know you're socially awkward and all, but come the fuck on. unless you've been living locked in a small basement bunker your entire life, being fed chips by a robot through a hole in the ceiling, you should be able to fucking figure out.

that there's a fucking difference between being awkward and accidentally hurting people's feelings because you have perpetual foot in mouth syndrome/have a hard time connecting to people.

and sitting in your room saying slurs on overwatch and telling female gamers that they're fat ugly bitches who should send nudes.

why would you even WANT to associate yourself immediately with that demographic? why do you read something about the worst people alive, who are deliberately awful to other people, and then say oh look it's me, I'm also "not good with people."

are you THAT socially awkward?

God I hate when I'm so socially awkward that I'm a sexist.

God I hate how my neurodivergence leads me to misogyny. what a weird coincidence that neurotypicals somehow also accidentally end up there too.

God, i hate when anxiety makes me want to lash out at women for existing, that's so bizarre.

yeah, good frame, guys. good work. let's say that all the willful evil in this world can be attributed to mental illness because accountability for your own actions is actually ableism, and all people who are mentally ill should be excused for whatever gross war crime they want to commit.

when you think about it, being a racist is also a form of social anxiety because you just can't talk to anyone who's not white.

your POOR thing.

poc all across the world really need to take in account that white people only became colonisers because they were socially anxious and have a hard time speaking to people, so instead they opted for genocide.

#women on twitter are talking about how theyre expected to emotionally coddle men who refuse to make meaningful connections with people #who insist women should have no emotional needs of their own and should drop everything to fix them #and yall are on here #saying oh but wait what if that guy with a fucking 88 in his username has social anxiety :(((#yeah im sure he does #maybe he should kill himself

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burrowbaddie · 10 months

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Your Eyes & Iridescent Moonrise

Joe Burrow x Female Reader

Series Summary: You, one of the top actresses in the world find yourself falling for the unbelievably attractive quarterback, Joe Burrow. But as Joe falls faster he finds that everything isn’t so golden about the world’s golden girl.

Acts: 4/?

Status: Ongoing

Please read the warning careful for this chapter. Proceed with caution; some content could be triggering!

Warnings: female!reader, smut, swearing, oral (m&f receiving), vaginal fingering, unprotected sex, taking plan b, mentions of toxic past relationship, age gap between ex and reader, mentions of past abusive relationship,

Act 4 Summary: You try your best to leave the past.

Word Count: 8.4k

Series Masterlist

You stand in your dressing room with Jackson pacing as his assistant tries to clean his shirt.

"Call the cops and have her arrested."

"Jackson-"

"She threw hot coffee on me! It could have burned my face. My chest!" He shouts.

"I'm sorry. Please, I'm begging you, don't call the cops. She didn't mean to do it."

"Claire, get out!" Jackson snatches the shirt from her, and his assistant scurries out of the room. Jackson steps close to you, and you cower.

"She's going to jail. She is going to pay for what she did to me." He whispers through clenched teeth.

"I'm begging you. I will take responsibility for it."

Jackson chuckles and steps back.

"I don't see you begging." He whispers. You brush your hair off of your face. Jackson's eyes stare at you, then slowly towards the ground, giving you his command without words. You slowly lift your skirt so you get on your knees. Clasping your hands together, you ask him to forgive Eliza.

"I want an apology from that bitch." Jackson sits in your chair as you reach your feet and leave the room to find Eliza with security. You grab her hand and bring her to the room. Jackson sits in your chair like a king, his right leg hanging over his left leg with a wide grin.

"Eliza, apologize to Jack-"

"Oh, he can go to hell. I will never apologize to him." She cuts you off, and you stare at her, stunned. Jackson shrugs.

"Eliza, please just say sorry. He's going to have you arrested." You warn her.

"Beg. She needs to get on her knees and beg for forgiveness. Or be charged with assault." Jackson smirks, and Eliza balls her fist.

"I would rather be in jail. It will be a slap on my wrist."

"You have no idea how many people I have on my payroll. Do you? Are you sure you want to take your chances, E?" Jackson asks. Eliza chews her bottom lip.

"I'll-"

You get back on your knees, begging, shocking Eliza.

"I'll forgive the act because my sunshine is such a pleaser. She knows how to keep me happy. Learn how to do the same, or you will find out how much power I have." Jackson says, standing up and walking out. You start crying as Eliza pulls you to your feet.

"Eliza, you have to stop. I know you want to help, but it will come back on me in the end."

"He assaulted you. Kissing you without permission. No, fuck him! When will it end!"

"Eliza, stop! I told you guys. I told you from the very beginning that he wouldn't stop. He's never going to let me be happy. It's him or no one." You scream. Eliza is silent. She reaches out to you, but you walk away. You return to the set, where everyone whispers about how wild that was. You apologize, saying she must have tripped. Jackson pulls you close and kisses your forehead.

"So, is this a thing?" Your costar asks. You shy away as Jackson pulls you close to his side. You're sick to your stomach and can't pull away.

"God, I knew it! The blue eyes threw me off on that post." Another chimes in. Eliza stands to the side, watching everything. You're so unreachable, and it breaks her heart. If only she met you years ago. Eliza decides to wait in the car and call Joe about what happened.

"He what? I was going to tell her sometime this week before the news broke, but I don't know. Jackson will be a co-owner soon. This is only going to push her further away from me. Every time we take one step forward, he drags us five steps back. I hate this guy." Joe shouts. Eliza leans her head against the window.

"Fill Janet in on everything. We'll fly out to you this weekend." Eliza hangs up as you enter the van.

"Do you want to go stay with Joe for a little?" Eliza asks. You stare out the window, thinking about what the next moves should be. Nodding your head, you grab your phone and book a flight to Cincinnati. Joe welcomes you with open arms. You find yourself lying in bed and melting in his warm embrace.

"I have training in the morning but feel free to lay here until I get back," Joe says, looking at the 5 am on the clock. You snuggle closer to him.

"Do you have to go?" You whisper. Joe thinks hard and sighs. Leaving you alone will kill him, but he can't afford to miss day one. He apologizes and leaves you with a bunch of kisses. You fall back to sleep and wake to the doorbell around 10 am. When you check the door, and see a big bouquet. You open the door and pick up the flowers, reading the note from Joe.

"From your celebrity crush, JB." You read aloud, giggling to yourself. After a fresh shower, Janet calls to let you know she is on her way over. You prepare yourself for the talk you know is coming.

"Eliza filled me in on what happened. I think we present him with a restraining order." Janet says, pushing the paper toward you. You shake your head.

"He knows too many judges. They would never accept it without evidence." You say, feeling defeated.

"No evidence, so everything is he said, she said." Eliza leans back in her seat.

"There's nothing. Any voicemail where he said threats? Have you…ever. Have you ever taken photos of yourself after the assault?" Janet asks. Your eyes stare at the counter top not moving or responding. Janet reaches out to take your hand.

"I think I can find the old voicemails, and there's, umm, there is a USB with stuff on it. But you can't leak it. You can't tell Jackson, and you can never show Joe. Promise me." You whisper, eyes still trained on the table.

"They will never know about it. Whatever you share with me, it will stay between us as long as you want." Janet replies. You tell her you can provide it once you get home. Eliza tells you she will visit her family and will meet you back in Cali in two weeks. You spend the rest of your day looking through Joe's apartment. Joe finds you in the kitchen cooking with only his t-shirt on.

"You look amazing. It smells amazing. I could get used to this." Joe whispers in your ear, kissing your neck. You smile.

"It's just spaghetti and a simple meat sauce." You turn around to give your boyfriend a full-on kiss. He slips his hands under your shirt to cup your ass. You moan into his mouth, and he raises his eyebrow.

"Might have to do dessert first." Joe chuckles. You push him off and turn back to the stove. Joe knows he should tell you about the Jackson thing, but you seem so relaxed, and he doesn't want to kill the mood. So, Joe doesn't mention it. Today, tomorrow, or the week after. He drags it out so long that he forgets about it. And it isn't until he comes home to find you and your things gone. The tv is on ESPN and playing loops about Jackson being an owner. Joe frantically calls you over and over again. You look down at your caller id and decide to answer his 5th attempt.

"Come back. I know I should've told you, but I didn't know when to bring it up. I'm sorry. Don't run."

"I'm in the parking lot." You whisper. Your Lyft driver asks you if he should leave, and you apologize, grabbing your things and exiting the car. He asks for an autograph, and you quickly scribble it onto the paper. Joe meets you in front of his complex. He grabs your bags, and you guys return to his apartment.

"Joey, he's not going to stop." You whisper. Joe hugs you rubbing your back.

"I don't care about this deal. I said I would protect you, and I mean. There's nothing he has against me."

"He has me. And he will use me against you any time he wants. You don't know him as I do. He's dangerous." You pull away from Joe and wipe your eyes.

"Look at me. Whatever he does isn't your fault."

"Joe-"

Joe takes your hands in his and gives you a warm smile.

"Say it. It isn't your fault."

"It's not my fault." You repeat, looking into Joe's eyes. He kisses your forehead once again, easing all of your worries. You stay for a few more days but convince Joe you have to return to California for work. It's a lie, but he doesn't need to know that. Jackson swings his door open, surprised to see you standing there.

"If I come back to you, you'll leave Joe out of it. Right?" You ask, clutching your bag tightly. Jackson reaches down, takes your bag, and nods his head. You follow him in the house. The house you left three years ago. The house you swore you would never return to. Your cage. Your prison.

"Although I'm already part owner, I won't make any drastic changes. He will definitely see a hefty pay increase." Jackson kisses your cheek. His hand holds your face softly, then a little tighter.

"I'm glad you came back to your senses. If you ever leave me again…..I'm not sure what I'll do." He whispers. Jackson walks away, and you feel your knees give out, hitting the ground with a soft thud.

"Oh, and fire that bitch assistant of yours. I don't want her near you ever again." He shouts, making his way up the spiral staircase. Joe's name flashes on your phone, but you can't bring yourself to answer it. You hover over the block button.

"I never cleared out your closet, so go put on something nice we have a dinner to go to," Jackson calls out. You pick yourself up and follow him to the bedroom. While Jackson showers, you walk into your closet. Jackson didn't lie. Everything was left in place since the day you left. Perfect. You push aside the Chanel section, open the small crevasse behind the panel, and pull out the USB drive. With a deep breath, you hurriedly stuff it into your jeans.

"Sweetheart?" Jackson calls from the bathroom, but you're already flying down the stairs out of the house and into your car. You sped all the way home and called Janet.

"I have it. I have the evidence."

"Send me everything!" Janet says excitedly, but you tell her the safest option is face-to-face, so a few days later, you fly back to Ohio. Joe welcomes you with open arms, a little surprised you finished up so quickly. When Janet comes over, you hand the USB to her and watch her plug it in. Joe stands off to the side, watching her. Janet opens the folder and then the file. The file is from the security camera in your shared house with Jackson. She presses play, and you grab Joe's wrist, stopping him from walking over. Eliza stands to the side, reading Janet's face. Your voice and Jackson's voice can be heard coming from the laptop then the audio fades out. Janet closes the laptop.

"We got him. I'll keep this safe but we will use this against him. What would you like him to do?" Janet asks.

"I want him to stay away from me and anyone I'm involved with. And to leave my career alone." You reply. Janet walks over to hug you.

"You leave the rest to us, okay?" Janet rubs your back. Janet and Eliza talk while you pull Joe away.

"I need to go NY for SNL, but-"

"Move in with me." Joe cuts you off, waiting for your response. You nod your head eagerly.

"Yeah. Sure. I'll move in with you." You throw your arms around Joe's neck as he scoops you up, kissing your face. You feel almost relieved with Janet, Alex, Eliza, and Joe in your corner. But your happiness is never long-lived with Jackson blowing up your phone. While in NYC, he flies in to speak with you. Janet and Alex immediately step in.

"I'm glad that you contacted her. Because the NDA you made an 18-year-old girl sign is void. This is the new contract, and you will follow the rules." Alex shoves the contract into Jackson's chest. He snatches it rolling his eyes, reading it over, and chuckling.

"And what makes you think I'll listen to you? Sunshine-"

"Do not talk to her." Janet steps in front of you protectively. Jackson chuckles again, making you feel small in the large hotel room.

"And if I don't listen?" Jackson steps forward, not intimidating the two women in front of him. You, on the other hand, cower away. Janet reaches behind, squeezing your hand. Alex holds up the flash drive.

"Because we have the evidence against you. And I know you know very well what's on this USB." She states, waving it. Jackson eyes the plastic piece, and he looks at you.

"You're blackmailing me. I love the women stand together bit you all have going on, but you have no idea who you're messing with. Release the footage. I dare you." He says, eyes still locked on you. You squeeze Janet's hand. Jackson knows that you would never release it.

"I'll have my lawyer look over this contract. I'm a reasonable guy." Jackson says, leaving with the paper. Alex and Janet turn around to hug you. It's over. Just like that, It's over? You spend the rest of the day getting your mind ready for SNL. It's your first time hosting, and you're super excited. During your opening bit, you wave to your family, who flew in to support you.

"My dad and brothers are the reason I'm able to be here in NYC hosting SNL. Thank you, guys, for all of your love and support. And with that, kick back and enjoy the show!" You shout, smiling. The show ends, and you can't contain the smile on your face. You felt nervous, but the cast made you feel at ease as you closed out and thanked everyone and the musical guest. After chatting with the staff, you go to your dressing room, where you find a bouquet from Joe. You smell them and close your eyes. How did you get so lucky with someone like him? You start to think you don't deserve, but before you can go down that tunnel, Joe calls you. You pick up the Facetime call.

"Hey, handsome. Thanks for the flowers."

"You're welcome, baby. I'm sorry I couldn't be there. You did amazing. You're so funny. I'm glad everyone got to see that side of you. My favorite skit was the cheerleading one." Joe says, sitting up so he can see you better.

"And why's that?"

"Idk; why don't you keep that outfit and come home." He replies, making the heat on your face rise. You unintentionally squeeze your thighs together.

"I'm going to go to California and pack up so we can, umm, move in together." You whisper, feeling excitement come over you. Joe smiles, excited about taking the next steps with you. Within a week, you arrive back in Cincinnati with a suitcase.

"This is all you have?" Joe laughs, picking up your suitcase.

"Yeah. I don't really need a lot, plus I can always shop. Right?"

"Right," Joe nods his head. But he's been in your house and has seen all your rooms, all your clothes, and all of your awards. This can't be the only thing you want to bring to your new place. Joe doesn't push you on the topic for now; instead, he takes your suitcase upstairs and lets you unpack and get comfortable. Joe has training but tells you to pick out any restaurant around, and he will take you when he gets home. While Joe is exercising, you decide to scroll Twitter and reply to some fans. Some fans have been curious about your love, making you giggle; no one knows yet. They still are guessing any blue-eyed actor. Then you see Jackson's name appear a few times because of the onset kiss. You sit up and call Eliza.

"Hey-"

"Jackson must have leaked the story about the onset kiss. He-"

"Rumor. We will say it's a rumor. No worries. Jackson can't do anything to you anymore. You're free from him." Eliza consoles you. The only thing you can do is try to calm your nerves. Janet, Eliza, and Alex have everything handled. The evidence is right there. There's no way Jackson can do anything else. So, when Joe comes home, you agree to dinner at some Italian restaurant. It feels good to be able to step out and not have paparazzi snapping photos of you. Leaving LA was a great move, you think to yourself. A few onlookers snap pictures of you, but it's better than what you usually deal with. The waitress is in awe of you and can't believe her eyes. She's too nervous to ask for an autograph, so you leave it on a napkin with your red lipstick kiss print. Joe takes you for a walk in the park and tells you about a Christmas from his childhood.

"I feel like I always talk about me. Tell me about your childhood." He asks, rubbing your hand. You shrug. For a year, Joe feels like each step he has taken toward you only makes you pull away further. He's been trying to get to know the woman behind the sad smile, but it isn't an easy quest.

"I don't know. My childhood was okay."

Joe stops walking so he can face you. He cups your face and bends down to kiss you. You close your eyes, letting the strawberry chapstick consume your mind.

"It's me, baby. I want you to be yourself." He whispers against your lips. You nod your head.

"My childhood was okay. My brothers and father made sure of it. My mother never wanted a 4th child, so it was hard to reach her. She didn't want another child; if she had to have one, she wanted another boy. So the fact that she had a girl, I think, broke her. She never treated me like she treated them. I actually never heard her say I love you to me once. My mother left us on my 8th birthday. My father had filed for divorce, so she blamed me and left before it got to that point. It was hard on my dad for a while. That was his high school sweetheart, and I ruined it for them."

"Baby." Joe's voice is soft and tender. His heart breaks for you, and the only thing he can do is pull you into a hug.

"So I guess it makes sense that I turned out the way I did." You mumble into his chest.

"There's nothing wrong with you. Your mother made her own choices. She missed out on one hell of a daughter. You're everything to your family and me. Don't let her actions control your decisions in life." Joe says, causing you to smile. He's too perfect, you think to yourself. And when the two of you get home, clothes off, light down, and bodies sharing one space.

"Baby." Joe groans, holding your hips and watching you ride him. You smile down at him placing your hands on his chest.

"You look so pretty under me." You say the line Joe has said to you before, causing him to chuckle. Joe sits up to bounce you on his cock faster to reach his climax. He hates when you tease him, and you've spent the last 5 mins edging him. Now, he's had enough. You squeal, trying to catch yourself, but Joe's thrusting is relentless. You dig your nails into his shoulders every time he lifts you and slams you down. But that isn't enough for him. Joe lays you down on the bed and holds your hips to fuck into you like there's no tomorrow. You squirm and moan as he continues to pound your pussy. You grab his wrist, preparing yourself, expecting another orgasm, but you find yourself squirting. Joe promptly pulls out to watch you unfold under him as he cums all over your stomach. He bends down to kiss your face because you tried to hide it.

"I bet I can make you squirt again."

"No. No." You giggle, feeling his hands already sneaking their way down your thigh.

"Yeah. Yeah." Joe ignores you, spreading your legs, causing your body to arch off the bed. Joe slips two fingers into your drenched cunt, making you bite your bottom lip. You loved the way Joe made you feel outside of the bedroom, but him in the bedroom was an experience you never wanted to give up. The way he has already memorized what your body wants was something to hold on to. Joe knew how to make you twist and turn in all the right ways while reaching his climax effortlessly. Joe knew when you had enough, and that was rare. You wouldn't call yourself an addict but would never turn down sex with Joe. It was just that good. So when the sun's rising and you're climaxing for the umpteenth time of the night, you don't question it. Joe kisses your sweaty forehead whispering how good you look right now.

"Shower or bath?" Joe asks, placing you on the bed as you unwrap your legs from his waist. Throughout your sexcapade, you've squirted numerous times on the bed, causing it to become soaked, so you guys moved to the floor and then, at one point, against the wall and then standing in the middle of the room while Joe bounced your weak body up and down. You try to catch your breath and let your mind think about every position you did with Joe. The guy had stamina like no other, and you're glad you're in relatively good shape to keep up. Joe starts kissing your body, and you lightly play with his hair. Joe kisses on your belly, and you can't help to break out in a smile.

"God, I want to make you a mother so bad." He whispers, making your smile grow. You want to be a mother. Besides becoming an actress, your most prominent dream is to become a mother. One you never had.

"I want to make you a father… someday." You reply. Joe looks up at you with a twinkle in his eyes. He stands up to take you to the shower, where you guys do have another round. Late in the afternoon, you find yourself lying on Joe on the couch, watching Netflix. You can't stop kissing him, and he's not complaining. His hands have found their way under your shirt to grab your ass. It doesn't help you're wearing nothing under his oversized T-shirt. You continue to make out with your boyfriend until his phone starts ringing.

"Hello?" Joe answers after the 2nd attempt. You continue to kiss his neck, making sure to suck another red bruise next to the one from last night.

"Party tonight. Yes, you have to come. It's at my place—just a few people. Bring your girl too. See you there!" Ja'Marr shouts, hanging up. Joe rolls his eyes and puts his phone down. You take this time to sit up and grab your own phone to answer emails and texts. You get a notification from Twitter and open the app. Of course, TMZ is reporting you getting extra cozy with a QB. No name is dropped, and you know that's Jackson's doing. No reports about you get out without his approval. But, of course, the people in the restaurant can say who the QB was. It's what you were hoping for, but Joe's name is not linked to yours at all. You know because you searched. Joe steals a kiss before informing you of the evening plans. You're actually excited to go to a party; even though Joe assures you it's small, you still want to go and meet more of his teammates/friends. But of course, no party Ja'Marr throws is ever small. You make sure to stay glued to your boyfriend most of the night. Some of the other football player girlfriend's pull you away but no longer than 10 mins. They want photos and chats with you. Some even talk you into joining their group chat for football girlfriends.

"Sorry, ladies, I have to steal my girlfriend away." Joe chuckles, pulling your hand. They shout at Joe for stealing you, but you thank him because you are getting overwhelmed. Joe ends up taking you to the basement, away from the crowded area. The basement was Ja'Marr's man cave and off-limits to guests. Joe hasn't seen the newly decorated room and is surprised when he turns on the light, and the stripper pole comes down from the ceiling.

"Wow." Joe laughs, finding a seat as you walk over.

"We can leave whenever you want. Ja'Marr told me this would be a small event for teammates."

"I'm having fun." You sit down on his lap. Joe looks at the pole.

"You know you had that one role in Saints of All Saints. I know it was short, but was that actually you or a stunt double?" Joe asks. You giggle, covering your mouth.

"You're asking if I had a stunt double for my stripper role? Despite what everyone thinks, I normally do my own stunts. And when it comes to that, I was, in fact, on the pole."

"Really? How did you learn that stuff? I know some people have stunt doubles for things like that."

"So when I first get presented with a role, if it's out of my knowledge like any sane person, I study it. I took pole dancing classes and paid women in the field to teach me. I got presented with the role, I studied, and then I auditioned." You say cheerfully, standing up.

"Would you like a private show, Mr.Burrow?" You ask, making your way to the pole. Joe nods his head eagerly. You look at the pole, noticing it is a spin pole. You make your way over to grab the remote to turn it on. Joe sits up, watching you take your position.

"So this was one of the first moves I learned. It's called the Fairy spin." You say, grabbing the pole with one hand above the second hand. Then you swing around, hooking your left ankle on the pole while your right leg propels you around the pole slowly. The next move you do is the chair. Which has you spinning in a sitting position, then you release your legs, lifting one up to parallel the pole before hanging upside down and forming a complete split. You spin around like that letting Joe take in the sight of you.

"If I get one in our house, will you use it?" Joe asks excitedly. You giggle and come down from the pole walking back over to him.

"Of course. I can show you a lot of things." You wink, sitting on his lap.

"We should get home like now." Joe stands up, holding you in his arms. You can't help but laugh because you felt his hard-on as soon as you sat down. When you guys get home, you get right to it. The next morning Joe leaves you for training. Joe does his best to stay focused, but Jackson is at the training center.

"Joe, can I have a word with you?" Brian, Joe's agent, pulls him out of a session.

"What's up?" Joe asks, taking his Bose headphones out.

"Jackson is here, and we've been going back and forth and-"

"Get to the point." Joe cuts him off.

"He wants to do a joint charity with you. This could be huge and-"

"No. Decline." Joe puts his headphones in, ready to walk away, but Brian grabs his arm.

"Are you kidding me? This could be a chance of a lifetime. Think about the revenue that you could bring in and the sponsorships. We're not turning this down." Brian states. Joe breathes through his nose.

"Decline the offer. I don't want to do anything with him."

"He owns your contract. The millions he just donated are for your contract alone. I think you might want to reconsider." Brian says, waiting for Joe to back down. But Joe doesn't.

"I don't want his fucking money."

"For what? This girl you've been seeing? Yeah, Jackson told me that you might be hesitant. Some Hollywood trick shouldn't stand in your way."

"What did you just say?" Joe stands face-to-face with his agent.

"Jackson said she filled your head with lies. Come on, are you really going to believe some girl that's been passed around in Hollywood?" Brian says not intimidated by Joe. Joe balls his fists at his side.

"The next thing that comes out your mouth better be about your resignation." Joe clenches his jaw.

"Excuse me?"

"You're fired." Joe walks away without another word leaving Brian stunned. Ja'Marr follows after Joe to get the whole story.

"Firing Brian? What's wrong with you, bruh-"

"I need an agent that will listen to me and not just be money hungry."

"He's looking out for you. If Jackson offered me this opportunity, I would take it! You're being insane. All this because of what?" Ja'Marr asks. Joe sighs and pulls his best friend to the side.

"It's not my place to go into detail, but Jackson isn't a good guy. The idol fantasy you had for him doesn't exist. Trust me." Joe says, going back to his workout. Ja'Marr doesn't fully understand, but he knows that Joe is a good judge of character. Joe arrives home to a full dinner laid out and scoops you up.

"Smells amazing, baby."

"Thanks. I thought I could keep myself busy." You giggle, kissing his lips. During dinner, you guys can't keep your hands off one another. It gets to the point where you sit on Joe's lap while he finishes his food.

"I have a week off. What do you say we go on a bit of vacation?" Joe asks, snuggling into your neck.

"Where should we go?" You ask, rubbing his back.

"Mexico, The Bahamas, France? Where ever my baby goes, I'll follow."

"Hmm, what if we just stay right here and spend our days together under each other." You whisper into his ear, biting his earlobe. Joe bucks his hips, and you start laughing at the immediate yes. And so, you stay right there in Cincinnati with your boyfriend: at home doing nothing but watching bad flicks, fucking, laughing, and even more fucking. Around day 6, you emerge from the apartment to do some grocery shopping. That's when you get a call from Jackson asking you to meet. He states that his lawyer looked over the contract. You know you should wait for Janet and Alex, but you wanted to hear what he had to say for yourself. But to your surprise, when you walk into the restaurant, you're met with a woman you thought you would never see again.

"Mom? What are you-What are you doing here?" You stutter, almost losing your balance.

"Jackson, umm, he was kind enough to contact me. Well, hire me. I'm representing him until my associate-"

Before your mother can finish, you try to walk away, but Jackson grabs your wrist lightly.

"Talk to your mother. She's been looking for you." Jackson says. You snatch your arm away.

"Why are you doing this to me?" You ask with tears in your eyes. Jackson bends down, kissing your forehead.

"I'm doing what's best for you like I've always had. Give her 10 mins." He states. You take your seat at the table across from your mother. She spends the next 30 mins telling you everything she's been up to since leaving your family. Your blood runs cold as she pushes over a photo of her two daughters.

"My oldest daughter is a huge fan-"

"I'm your oldest daughter." You reply, shaking in your seat.

"You know what I meant. I was working as a lawyer when Jackson came to me and said your name. I thought it would be better if he reached out first. It's the only way I knew you would sit with me. I won't take his case-I can't because of my relationship with you but-"

"We have no relationship. You can do whatever you want." You abruptly stand up, leaving the table with Jackson following you.

"Why? Why are you doing this to me?" You cry, hitting his chest as he plants himself in front of you. Jackson holds your wrists and pulls you close to him.

"This can all be over if you come back to me. I will make everything bad in your life disappear. I promise."

"You are the bad in my life." You reply, pulling away. Your mother chases after you.

"I'm sorry. At that time, I was going through a lot. I never wanted a child and-"

"Sandra, I know you never wanted me, but you had me. I was a child. All I wanted was my fucking mother. Didn't I deserve that?" You shout, snatching away from her. Your mother wipes her tears, nodding her head.

"You did. And I'm trying to apologize."

"Stay away from me. That's the best thing you can do right now. Go enjoy your happy little life with your new family and stay the fuck away from me." You get into your car and drive off. When you get home, you angrily start slamming things on the counter and putting food away.

"What's wrong?" Joe asks, wrapping his arms around your waist.

"My fucking mother! He hired my mother to represent him. He knew exactly what he was doing."

"What? How did he find your mother?" Joe steps back to let you calm down.

"He knows everything about me. I told you. I told Janet. I told you all he wouldn't stop. And now my estranged mother is in this. I can't win. I want to stop all of it! I don't care anymore!" You storm off to the bedroom, leaving Joe to put away the groceries. Joe lets you cool down alone while he answers a call from Janet.

"Janet, slow down. What's wrong?"

"The USB is gone. I had it in my office, and it's just gone. Only my associates have access to my office. I can't believe this shit!" Janet shouts. Joe can't take any more bad news. He knows he can't tell you what happened, so Joe ends the call to find you. But you can read the expression on his face and know exactly what has happened.

"We can-"

"He's won. I'm not fighting him anymore. I told you guys he would never let me go, and you guys filled my head with all these lies like it was possible to live without Jackson Taylor. Newsflash the world is in the palm of his hands. It's over. Just let me go, Joe. We tried. We tried really hard." You sniffle. But Joe isn't ready to let go and watch you leave. He won't let Jackson win, not like this. So when you're all tucked away next to him for the night, Joe takes matters into his own hand. Everything Jackson has done has been sneaky and behind the scenes. This time Joe will make the first move.

You wake up to texts and emails from everyone under the sun. You jump out of bed and rush downstairs to find Joe making breakfast.

"Joseph. You posted me."

"I did," Joe says, flipping the pancake. You walk over and turn his toward you, showing him the post. It's a photo of you snuggled against Joe with the caption, "Your eyes and iridescent moonrise."

"I-why?" You ask, defeated.

"Because I love you, and it's about time you're put above everyone else. You deserve to be loved too, baby," Joe continues making breakfast as you stand to the side with a big smile on your face. You ignore the texts and emails and run to your IG to post many photos of Joe all over your story. And just like that, your relationship with Joe went public. Everyone became obsessed with the new couple. When you flew back to LA to pack up the rest of the house, paparazzi were all over the place to get a glimpse of the both of you. Joe made sure to keep his hands on you at all times. You couldn't help but indulge in the affection. While Joe loaded things in your truck, you get a text from an unknown number. Your mother is asking to see you again, properly this time. You ignore and block her number as Joe scoops you up.

"Everything is in the truck, and the company will pack the rest. Let's get on the road." He says, kissing your face. You wrap your arms around him as he sets you in the passenger seat. For the next few days, you guys will be on the road to your new home with Joe. And that long road trip has Joe falling deeper in love with you. He loves this brighter, carefree side of you. The way you scream the lyrics to your favorite songs at the top of your lungs, to you giggling fit over how serious he drives, to the kisses you steal when he's not paying attention, he loves it all. And when you arrive at your new home, unpacked, laying in your California King Bed stealing kisses from your boyfriend, you also fall.

"I have training soon. I should get up." Joe says, still kissing your belly. You stretch and roll over, allowing him to give to a soft tap on your ass.

"I will be here when you return." You reassure him. While Joe is away, you take the time to walk around the house. Joe bought a new home for both of you just to ensure you had enough room for all your things. You feel like the luckiest girl alive. Sitting at your piano, you start to think about what life could've been like for you if you met Joe first. Would you be able to say those three words? Could you see marriage in the future? Would the thought of love not scare you so often? Could you truly be loved? Your fingers ghost over the grand piano's keys as tears fall down your face. The truth is you're scared. The move across the country. The commitment. The public knows about your relationship. It scares you so bad. You don't have time to wallow in your fears because Karen is calling you. Her message is simple and straight to the point. You meet her at the hotel she's staying at to discuss your future.

Karen throws a magazine into your lap. It's photos of you and Joe in LA.

"Have you lost your fucking mind? Don't answer; I will. Yes. Do you even want to know what the agency is saying? You are only marketable as a single woman. Once you get into a relationship, your value goes down. You're not desired anymore! Have I not built that into your head? You are getting on the first flight with me back to LA, and we will find a way to spin this. We'll throw that blue-eyed pretty boy under the bus if we have to." Karen starts typing on her phone.

"I'm not leaving. I'm going to stay here with Joe. I'm happy here." You reply, throwing the magazine down. Karen scoffs and rolls her eyes.

"This fantasy that you think you'll be able to live is cute. Even if I allowed you to stay in it…What would Jackson do? Hmm?"

A knock comes to the door, and you freeze up, watching Karen walk away. Of course, when she opens the door, you're not surprised to see Jackson. You immediately stand up from your chair as he makes his way over.

"I tried my best to protect you," Karen whispers. Jackson takes a seat and motions for you to sit down. You shake your head and remain standing.

"I have given you time and time again to come back to me. But this..Ha. This is where I draw the fucking line."

"I don't care about your threats. I will never come back to you. Ruin my career. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of running from you, Jackson. I'm glad that Karen called you here because this will be easier for me to do with both of you here. Come August, I'm retiring. Karen will no longer be my agent, and you will no longer have any say in my career because it's over." You say confidently. Karen stands there in complete shock as Jackson chuckles to himself. He stands up, fixing his suit and laughing to himself. Chills run down your neck, and you look at Karen.

"She's joking. She-"

Jackson flips the side table over, startling you and Karen.

"I took you from your piss poor fucking life and made you into the star you are today. How fucking dare you? Retire? You have to be joking me!"

"I worked hard for everything I have. I-"

"Because of me! Do you think you would be anywhere without me? Without my support, without me backing you. You ungrateful little bitch!" Jackson storms towards you, and Karen steps in front of his path.

"Jackson. Relax. She can't be serious. She-"

Jackson shoves her to the floor.

"You were supposed to watch her. I gave you this job to fucking watch her. Tell me how she ended up with him. How did she end up so fucking disobedient?" He looms over her, shouting. You stand there too frightened to move.

"I'm not a fucking babysitter! I'm an agent. She's not my only client! I can't follow her 24/7!"

"She is your biggest client. I hand-picked her for you. I set her on your doorstep. She is the only person in this world you should care about." Jackson spits. He turns his glare back to you. You put up your hands, expecting a slap, but Jackson reaches out and grabs your hand softly. Karen stands up, cursing at him.

"Stop. I'm not doing this with you anymore. Your little women group of lawyers, your retirement talk. It stops now, or I promise he will never play football again. I will make sure he can only eat through a fucking straw. Do you understand me?" Jackson whispers against your forehead. He places a soft kiss after those threatening words. Karen can't make eye contact with you. Jackson gives your hair a rough tug.

"Sunshine, I asked you a question."

You nod your head obediently. Jackson kisses the side of your mouth and walks away, leaving you to fall to your knees.

"I'm sorry. I really am. Just do what he says. You're going to ruin so many people's lives over this. It's not worth it."

You return home feeling defeated. You're so lost in your thoughts you don't hear Joe calling you.

"Baby. What's wrong?"

"Jackson-"

"What did he say? Why is he still contacting you?"

"He threatened you. Joe-"

"Whatever he said, it's not going to happen. He wants you to be miserable like him. I'm not letting that happen. We are fine. Look at me?" Joe softly pulls your chin up to look into his ocean eyes. You nod your head. You trust Joe. You know that you can trust him.

"I'm sorry. I'm just used to fighting him alone. I always lose, so I thought-"

"And you're not alone anymore." Joe scoops you up, and you wrap your legs around his waist. You start kissing as he carries you to the bedroom.

The next day Jackson is on sight at training. Joe does his best to ignore him and focus on working, but in the back of his mind, he's dying to hit him.

"Looking good there, buckshot." Jackson slaps Joe on the back. Joe turns around, glaring at him. He gives him a half smile and holds out his hand. Jackson takes it, and Joe squeezes down hard.

"Go near her or speak to her again; I'm not playing nice guy anymore. I will handle things myself. Don't even think about her anymore. That's not a threat. That's a promise." Joe whispered through clenched teeth as the coach made his way around. Joe lets go and slaps Jackson's shoulder extra hard.

"Welcome to the team." He says, walking off. Jackson flexes his hand and takes s a deep breath. Sam catches up with Joe, asking him about that exchange.

"It's nothing."

"Come on. We're like brothers; whatever is bothering you, I want to know."

Joe finally gives in and lets Sam in on some of the things happening. Sam is blown away by everything.

"What the hell? Is she okay?"

"She's okay now," Joe replies, taking a deep breath.

"I'm glad you told me. If you guys need anything, you let me know," Sam pats Joe on the back before walking off. When Joe returns home, he finds you knitting in the living room. He chuckles to himself, making his way over. You lean back as your boyfriend stands behind the couch and bends to kiss you.

"What are you making?" He asks, rubbing your face.

"Mittens. If I'm returning to cold winters, I should prepare myself." You reply, showing off your work.

"Baby, winter is a long time away." Joe laughs. He tells you he will hop in the shower and join you after. While you wait for Joe, Janet calls you with updates about the USB and moving forward. You tell her about Jackson's threats, and she reassures you Joe is safe. Janet tells you that Alex will contact you soon. Joe comes downstairs and joins you. You do your best to teach him, but Joe gives up after a while and watches you.

"What are you going to do about your mother?" Joe asks. You put down your mittens and sigh.

"Nothing. I really don't want anything to do with her. Maybe if this were ten years ago, I would let her in, but I'm trying to heal, and I don't think she can be part of my healing process right now. Is that okay?" You ask, looking to Joe for an answer. Joe grabs your hand and runs his thumbs over your soft skin.

"Whatever you need to do to heal." He says, kissing your hand. You throw yourself onto him, wrapping your arms around his neck. You want to say the words. All you have to do is say those three little words, but they won't come out.

Over the next few days, you meet with Eliza, Alex, and Janet to discuss the next moves.

"I want you and Joe to do whatever you want without restrictions. Jackson doesn't own you, nor can he control everything. He bribed my associate, so the USB is gone, and that's on me. I apologize for being so careless." Janet says.

"It's not your fault. This is how Jackson plays. Dirty. The USB is gone, but I have scars that will last me a lifetime. I didn't want that footage to get out anyways." You reply, leaning back on the couch. Eliza looks at Janet and then Alex.

"The last thing we wanted to mention, umm, have you thought about seeing a therapist," Janet speaks up for the group. You sit up straight and look around at the women in the room.

"I don't need therapy. I'm okay. I-"

"You're not okay, and that's okay. You've been through a lot of trauma, and we think-"

"No therapy. I should get going. I have a doctor's appointment." You stand up and grab your purse and keys, walking the group out. Eliza stops to say something but closes her mouth. You don't know what she wanted to say but leave it alone and head to the office. You've spent the last few weeks getting everything switched over from California to Ohio. It was a grueling process, but you were finally able to find a GYN. You wanted to get your IUD removed for your future with Joe. This was an exciting new chapter in your life, and you didn't want anything to hold you back.

"Your tubes are tied." The doctor looks at the screen as she continues analyzing the screen. You sit up on your elbows, staring at the screen in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" You ask. The doctor points to the screen showing you images of exactly where your tubes are tied off.

"I-How is that possible? I never did anything like that. I-I never had my tubes tied."

"Have you had any medical procedures done to your reproductive system?" She asks. You freeze, and your chest becomes heavy.

"When I was 19, I had an abortion, but that was it. Dr. Han, he performed an abortion and-"

"I need you to tell me the facility, date, and time of this."

"I can't have babies?" Your voice is broken as tears fall down your face. The doctor sighs and moves to comfort you.

"There is a reversal process, but even then, it is only a 30% chance you could become pregnant, given your age and how long your tubes have been tied." She states. You zone out for the rest of the appointment. When you reach the car, you call Dr.Han.

"Why? Why did you do that to me?" You whisper. The line is silent.

"Jackson found out about your abortion. I don't know how. He was upset and threatened my license, and my family. I had no choice. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it back." Dr. Han replies.

"I was 19 years old. I was terrified. I was alone. I came to you for help! And you took it all away from me! You took the one thing in life away from me!" You scream.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. You know how Jackson can be you-"

"No! You don't get to say that to me!" You shout. Dr.Han is silent as you cry.

"I'm so sorry." He repeats.

You hang up the phone and return home to find Joe working out. As soon as he makes eye contact with you, you break down. Joe turns off the music and stops his activities running over to you.

"Hey? What's wrong? Baby, look at me." Joe wears a look of concern and confusion.

You can't stop the choking sobs that fall from your throat, so Joe holds you until your sobs become silent screams. It takes Joe another 30 mins to get you to calm down. When you are calm, it takes another 10 mins for you to tell Joe. Joe is speechless. Janet, Eliza, and Alex arrive 15 mins later.

"I'll go public. About everything. It's not going to get away with what he did to me." You sniffle. Eliza holds your hand while Joe rubs your back.

"I will formally start the process. Prepare yourself for everything."

Joe stays with you all night, but at 6 he has to go to training. As soon as Joe spots Jackson, he walks up to him, hitting him square in the face. Sam is quick to pull Joe off before he can cause more damage. Jackson gets up, wiping the blood off his nose.

"Dr.Han called me, so I can only guess what this punch was for. She should be thanking me. I saved her from living a miserable life like her mother!" Jackson shouts. Sam holds Joe back because he's ready to punch him again. The coach walks in on the situation, and Joe ends up being suspended for the day. You're shocked when he walks into the house but relieved.

"What can I do for you?" He asks, hugging you. You shrug.

"I have to tell my family about all of this. Before charges are formally filed, I need to explain to my dad that the person he thought was a good person was my living nightmare. It's going to break his heart. He'll blame himself, maybe even me for being so dumb and-"

"Your father will not blame you. I will be right there with you. Lean on me for anything you need." Joe explains. You take a deep breath and make the call inviting your father and brothers over for the weekend.

A/N: I know it has been like a month or something since the update but I'm so busy working and going to school. I hope you enjoyed this update sorry if its ass! It touches on a lot of subjects I hope it wasn't too triggering but soon everything will be out and that asswipe will get his and you can happily move on with Joey! He's so supportive and loves reader so much. So we will see what happens. Omg the next chapter is going to have a small couples GQ interview for reader x Joe so send in some couples question to give me some inspo! Thanks love you guys!!!

#joe burrow x reader #joe burrow #joe burrow fan fic #joe burrow x y/n #joe burrow x you #joe burrow fic #joe burrow bengals #joey b #joe burrow smut #joe burrow fluff #joe burrow angst #joe burrow imagine #joe burrow fanfiction

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cevansbaby-dove · 7 months

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Hi 🩵

I have a request for Husband!Andy Barber x Wife!Female!Reader

What would their life be like the first few days after the two of them got married? Staying in bed all day and having the steamiest days and nights, lots of cuddles, or are they more adventurous people that actually go sightseeing on their honeymoon?

I'm curious where your thoughts will lead us with this heheh 🖤

This sounds amazing!! Thank you for trusting me to write this. I hope you'll enjoy it.

Mr & Mrs Barber 🌹

Husband!Andy Barber x Wife!Female!Reader

"Well Misses Barber...shall we get up yet?" You smile up at your husband of two days. "Do we have to move? I feel so cozy next to you"

he smiles. "Okay okay we'll stay a bit longer but i have to make you breakfast" You sit up a little. "In bed?" He nods. 'If you want, what ever makes my wife happy" He kisses you softly and you pull away saying. "Wife...god i'll have to get used to you calling me that"

"yea you will because i'll never stop calling you my love" You lean your head on his chest and wrap an arm around him. "Five more minutes."

You fall fast to sleep.

Hour time skip.

You get out of bed and change into this cute outfit.

As you walk into the kitchen you can hear Andy humming to a song. You smile and sit at the counter. "Did you make breakfast without me?"

Andy looks at you. "yea i didn't want to wake my wife up"

he walks over to you and kisses your lips. "Did you sleep alright?" You nod. "Yea, just a bit tired from our trip to France." You smile. "but oh man it was a fun trip"

"hmm i'm glad you enjoyed it" he kisses you once more and grab a plate of food he set aside. "I kept this on warm for when you came out."

"Aw! Andy you didn't have too..." You look at the plate of eggs, bacon and pancakes in the shape of a heart.

"no i wanted to spoil my wife so i went all out"

You look at your husband with a big grin, h's always been able to fix your bad days to great days even on his worst days after a tough case you were by his side telling him how great of a lawyer he is and making sure he knows that he's a great man.

He was going to date your best friend Laurie but she was just so toxic and you knew she was and Andy saw it too.

She would say mean things about him behind his back or to his face, he broke up with her and then met you.

He loved how caring you were to anyone you crossed paths with. He loves how your eyes shine when your smiling at kids, you two have talked about having three but in a few years.

You two wanted to take your time as a married couple to stay in the so called honeymoon phase that everyone could see you two were in.

"Y/N? did you hear me?" You look at him. "Hm? sorry was thinking.." he smiles. "i said i have to get to work at noon i have a big case so i might be home late."

You nod. "Should i wait up?' You smirk. "No darling no need, you need to rest too" he kisses your head and cleans up the kitchen a bit.

later that night.

Your in the living room when Andy storms in saying. 'Fuck why the fuck am i a lawyer?"

You jump a bit when he slams the door and heads upstairs. "Andy? what's wrong?" You ask as you follow him.

Andy takes his jacket off and hangs it up in the closet and says. "Damn case went out the window.."

He sits on the bed and sighs. Your right by his side rubbing his back. "Andy, There will be other cases please don't be upset"

"Not like this, this was gong to send me over a million in the bank"

Not knowing what else to say you wrap your arms around him pulling him close to you.

"We'll get through this...I'll be right here" He kisses your cheek and says. "Thank you Y/N" You smiles. "I made a vow to you a few day ago, for better or for worse."

He smiles. "And your saying for me..." You smile. "Say it with me."

You both say at the time. "It's just a bad day not a bad life" Andy smiles. "I love you so much Y/N Barber"

"I love you too Andrew Barber"

Thanks for your ask love!! I hope you found this great to read. I had to add a bad day cus who wouldn't want to be there when chris or andy have a bad day? 🥺

taglist: @cutedisneygrl @patzammit @k-slla @jackles010378 @alternativeprincess @katherineswritingsblog @armystay89

#andy barber blurb #andy barber imagine #andy barber fluff #andy barber x female reader #andy barber x reader #andy barber x y/n #andy barber x you #andy barber one shot

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nicoleanell · 1 year

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I would love to hear your meta on the scene from Renfield with the priest and the vampire hunter, if you’d be willing to share!

SURE, THANK GOD YOU ASKED.

My thing with that scene is it was peak Give Renfield A Hug and also the most irredeemable thing he does in the movie short of destroying some kid's ant farm, and that instantly made me fall in love with him.

I like the fact they made Renfield an aggressively sympathetic character and at the same time not wholly innocent. Robert Montague Renfield is neither a good guy or a bad guy but he deserves to be okay. (Also he may come off way more "sane" as movie Renfields go but he's not a well person lol, and the fact he's in an all-gender support group for abuse survivors very rapidly becomes not so much A Joke as it is the Entire Point of the movie.)

In the flashbacks, it's totes played for comedy and riffing on the 1931 movie and there's a little bit of an "unreliable narrator" vibe to it when Renfield's like, it was good we had great times etc. :))) We don't really know how in control of himself he is or how much he's whitewashing. But then we get the church/vampire killer thing and there's like... the first seed of something more real going on. The movie tells us upfront that the last time Dracula was almost defeated he stopped it, willingly, and it wasn't normal vampire enthrallment stuff as much as a very human emotional choice.

There's some heavy-handed manipulation happening and it's *completely* non-supernatural. They'll lock you away. I'll protect you. I care about you. And Nic Hoult's big woobie eyes hold all the sadness and isolation and genuine hope/desire to be loved, and it's unhealthy attention but there's nothing better out there for him. 🥺 <- emoji rendition of Renfield and also me.

Oh and for good measure his "he really means it this time" internal monologue is 100% meant to sound like toxic/abusive boyfriend stuff he's echoing from the support group, which is A Joke in this movie until it's not anymore.

(Side note, I saw you mention this in another post - the mental institution headcanon is Valid. I would've liked for it to be explicitly in there somewhere but as far as I'm concerned nothing *contradicts* it and it's one of like 3 facts people associate with Spiders Georg over here. So I'll take that crumb that the threat of him getting locked up is just as likely to be in an asylum (again) as a jail. And yikes the legitimate fear of that being WORSE than the hell he's currently in.)

And the second he does the thing, some priest *completely proves Dracula right* by immediately throwing more guilt and blame on Renfield and being like YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYONE ELSE HE KILLS NOW. Which, fair! But also, dude, you're being the opposite of helpful here! Lmao fucking Catholics. He knows this! It's why he can't get out! Of course he chose Dracula and he did it on purpose and he did it because of trauma and it *cemented* him being trapped forever. This is the climax of an entire other movie in which Renfield is probably not the main character but would definitely end up my problematic fave anyway.

SO YEAH. Between that and the reveal he left a whole wife & kid, there's such an interesting theme of guilt/shame on top of self-esteem and learned helplessness issues I was not anticipating in this movie. It's important for him to get to a place of: "I want to blame this legitimately awful monster but I also did SOME of this to myself, and when I can accept that without immediately going into a fetal position, it gives him less power over me."

Does not remove his power completely! 'Cause Renfield 2023 is also not, like, saying that you can just Easily Decide To Leave Your Violent Abuser. But the affirmations about being enough and deserving better and seeking better in spite of having failed or fucked up before are important.

#renfield #renfield 2023 #local-redhead-bookworm

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pureblisswrites · 10 months

Text

𝐏𝐒𝐘𝐂𝐇𝐎

"Can we stop playing this game, Felix?" You question. You're tired now, of all the chasing, the never getting together, the compliments and then the insults, the fights and then hugging and pretending that it never happened.

"What game?" He questions back, tilting his head slightly to the side with that stupid innocent smile of his that made you fall for him in the first place. When you didn't know it was fake, that is. (inspired by this drabble I wrote)

PAIRING: Lee Felix x Reader (ft. Slight Changbin x Reader)

GENRE: Song-inspired fic (psycho- red velvet) (and inspired by dlc mv! Felix for some reason)

WORD COUNT: 1.2k

WARNINGS: Suggestive themes, contains dark themes like toxic relationships, manipulation, love bombing, possessiveness, jealousy and more. (I mean have you the heard the song this is inspired from?) If any of these themes make you uncomfortable, do not continue reading.

SYNOPSIS: You and Felix are in a very weird and strange relationship. If you can even call it a 'relationship' that is.

"Will you atleast hear me out!?" You almost shouted as soon as you entered his apartment. "Felix!" You hold his wrist to stop him from walking away as his back is to you. He turns around to look you into eyes and his eyes are so cold. He snatches his wrist from your hold without another word. "Oh my God, can you atleast stop ignoring me?" You finally shout now, no longer able to contain yourself.

"What do you want?" He asks in an irritated tone, whirling around to face you again.

"Just hear me out." You try to say calmly again.

"And why the fuck should I do that, huh?" He walks towards you at a fast pace and you back off until you're against the wall, with him directly in front of you, his gaze sharp. "I don't want to hear how you almost fucked your ex while I wasn't here." He said in a low voice harshly. Coming even closer to your face.

"He isn't my ex. And I didn't almost fuck him." You reply.

"Just because you tell a fucking lie, doesn't make it true."

"I'm not lying."

"What else explains you almost sitting in his lap while touching and staring at his lips like a pathetic bitch who has never kissed anyone?" He sounded so mean and condescending and you knew it was intentional. You didn't know if it made it better or worse though.

You gritted your teeth at his tone but tried to remain rational and calm to give him the explanation of what actually happened but fuck, if wasn't he making it difficult as hell. "He got into a fight and busted his lip. I was just helping him clean that up as any good friend would."

"Friend." He scoffed after repeating the word. "Last I remembered you didn't just fuck your friends multiple times?"

"That was so long ago and 4 times isn't multiple times. And you should be the last person talking about fucking your friends."

"Care to repeat that?" He whispered while dropping his already low voice, lower. All the while making unflinching eye contact with you.

"I said, you should be the last person talking about fucking your friends."

"Gosh you really need to be disciplined, don't you? Acting like a fucking brat." He groaned. "And don't try to turn this around on me when you were the one who was caught almost cheating."

You scoffed at that. "What cheating really though, Felix? Last time I checked we weren't dating."

"Don't you dare bring that up at this time." He whispered and you could feel his breath on your lips.

"It's not my fault you're an insecure, paranoid and jealous asshole who thinks me even looking at other people is cheating. Atleast with my friends I don't have to walk on eggshells from the fear of making them upset over the most inconsequential of things."

"Oh so I not enough for you? Is that it?" He did a 180 on his attitude. Again. Now the whispers, the low voice and the sharp eyes were replaced with hushed mumbles, higher voice and the 'sad' eyes. "Is Changbin just so much better than me? Are you gonna leave me for someone else too?" He started talking so fast now, like he was getting anxious or something. Keyword: like. You had been with him long enough to know that Lee Felix did not show any emotion he didn't want to. Every smile, every frown, every expression was planned. As it had been from the very start. And when you finally realised that, it had been too late. You just weren't able to look away from his eyes now.

You sighed before saying what you had countless times in the past. "No, Lix. I'm not going to leave you okay? Just let this go now. And if you don't mind, maybe don't accuse me of cheating in the future when you know damn well I can't."

"Do you want to?" He questioned with a sharp tilt of his head.

"Want to what?"

"Cheat." He looked at you like he was fucking detective and not a dancer, analysing your every little move to see how you would respond.

"For fuck's sake, Felix! No I don't, alright!? You're the only person I want to be with, so now can you stop this?" You shivered from his gaze. Looking like he was so amused and just loving all of this. Like he did all this just to hear these exact words come out of your mouth. You were sure there was a trace of a smirk on his face. And you knew, for a moment, he had dropped his planned expression. Letting you see just what he wanted all along.

He sighed and snaked his arms around your waist. Burying his unfairly beautiful face into your hair while hugging you. Holding you so delicately. You wrap your arms around his neck in return.

"I'm so so sorry. I just messed up again, didn't I? I'm not perfect for you and I could never be. I shouldn't have said all that mean stuff to you, you know I didn't mean it, right? Right?" He asks again when you don't reply.

You roll your eyes, thankful for the fact that he can't see your face right now or he'd start another one of these acts. "Right, of course Felix, I know you didn't." You play with the fluffy blonde hair at his nape

"You still love me right?"

"Of course I do.

"You're not gonna say it?" Now he was just playing. Atleast he had calmed down now. You weren't in the position to ask for more after you almost kissed Changbin. You didn't like lying to him, but he sure loved it. Because he always knew when you were lying. Even now, you could feel it.

"I love you, Lix" Finally something you didn't have to lie about.

"I love you too, love" Love. The only word which had any meaning between you two at this point. Atleast you knew whenever he called you that, he was being geniune. No more games. He pecked your lips while smiling, his eyes turning into half crescent moons for the first and only time that night.

"Although i still have to discipline you for talking to me like that." He whispered lowly in your ear before going to kiss your neck softly. You were sure your neck was going to be littered with love bites now and you'll have to wear your turtleneck tomorrow while he'll question 'why is that? Do you not want other people to know that?' And you'll have to reply that it would awkward and embarrassing if others noticed. But that was a headache for tomorrow. For now you'll let yourself enjoy his soft fingers dipping lower and lower down your waist. Well atleast you get to have amazing sex out of all this. Although that was always a given when it came to Felix.

"I'll make sure that you are reminded of the taste of my lips every fucking time you even think of kissing another person. Let me remind you, who you really belong to."

Yeah you definitely were in a very weird and strange 'relationship'.

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landwriter · 1 year

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Are you doing the Spotify wrapped thing as well? If so, could I ask for the Nr. 4? If not, just ignore this, it's just that I have resigned myself to appear as the greedy being I apparently am and figured I'd just ask.

greedy beings unite <3

this is the incredible, perfect, flawless Hot Knife by Fiona Apple. i would write a meta/personal history on it

originally i was going to sort of throw up my hands and say it's just oaths - it is so incredibly oaths: two people who are very much a bit unhinged by one another, both hot knife and butter at once, hearts made cinemascopes etc.

BUT - butter, okay, hot knives, ok, perhaps - Hob is a scruffy professional baker who owns a little patisserie and Dream is a miserable IP lawyer at his family's law firm, which is incidentally located only two blocks away on the other side of a small city park.

Perhaps - one day a harried Matthew bursts in to Hob's bakery and says, since it's empty, and he has a flair of the dramatic, "I need all of your croissants for my lawyers." The caterer hadn't shown up and Matthew had actually been jogging down the street in his dress shoes and panicking when he saw Hob's storefront. The meeting starts in ten minutes.

"How many?" asks Hob.

"Lawyers, or croissants?"

And so Matthew leaves three minutes later with two dozen croissants, muffins, and a couple palmiers for good measure, as well as a sympathetic grin. When Dream, who is hanging on by, and I cannot stress this enough, an absolute thread, absent-mindedly shoves a blueberry muffin in his mouth, he pulls out his phone right in the prep meeting and texts Matthew at his desk: Who made these

Matthew writes a very hot dude who had flour on his face and then decides he likes his job, actually, and texts Dream the name and address of Hob's shop.

Dream means to go, but work comes first, and he keeps finishing long after they're closed. One day he finishes so late it's actually close to the bakery's opening hours, so, exhausted, he decides to show up.

Hob normally wouldn't answer the door except anyone who can knock loud enough to be heard over his music is probably the cops or the fire department - which is enough to get him out of the kitchen, and then when he sees Dream, he decides to open up anyways. He can tell this man isn't up early at 6 AM, he's up late, Hob knows the look - and also, well, he's beautiful, so he unlocks the door while Exodus' Toxic Waltz is blaring from the back, is halfway through apologizing for the mess and music (Why is apologizing? He's not even open yet.)

Dream blinks once, slowly, and when he opens his eyes again he understands he's fallen in love. He puts this knowledge aside for the moment, and stiffly offers his hand to shake (Oh, shit, sorry, yeah, let me just - oh god I've gotten flour on your suit) and introduces himself. "Do you have any more blueberry muffins?"

Hob, even though he has a thousand other things to do, for some reason hears himself saying, "For sure, yeah. I mean. Not right now. But I could. If you want to come in and sit?" and then mortifyingly continuing to say, "I have a coffee machine - I mean, I don't use it, but I have it, I'm pretty sure it works - do you want a coffee, are you going for the full 24 hours thing, or if not, I do also have a shitty couch in the office, you can nap?"

Then he realizes he needs to let go Dream's hand.

And so begins our love story, in the liminal hours between night and day, when Hob wakes up early to bake and Dream finishes work late. They make a routine of it, and although Hob is a little freaked out by Dream's apparently work-life balance and sleeping schedule, he doesn't mind the company, doesn't mind it either when Dream just shuffles to his back room and curls up on his sofa, because at least he's sleeping sometime.

They both try and impress the other - Dream by requesting increasingly obscure confectionery, Hob by nonchalantly making it perfectly. (He thinks he's found the culinary history book Dream is using and is staying one recipe ahead, in secret.) They both challenge each other and get under each other's skin, and think about the other person far, far, too much than appropriate. I think this one would be mostly sweet (ha) but with some proper actual We Can't Be Together Because of X or Y obstacles. I think this is the sort of story where they actually have a huge blowout argument in the second act about, like, the protestant work ethic, because they might be nursing massive crushes, but they also both are nursing massive proprietary feelings as a result, and have very different values surrounding work and hedonism and a life well-lived etc. Do they work it out! I think so! I don't think they can stay apart! And every chapter would be titled after a thematic baked good.

(p.s. alternative song mood for this fic: The National's Fake Empire) (p.p.s. i do imagine dream in this as one of those lawyers who makes buckets of money and drops a LOT of it on his version of therapy, which is gradual progress on like, an entire gorgeous tattoo bodypiece, some gorgeous hyper surreal cosmology thing, and i do think hob accidentally walks into a post one day when he glances into a tattoo shop where dream happens to be having his monthly session)

#the sandman #dreamling #my writing #spotify wrapped prompt #lawyer baker au #a timeless classic #the Miserable Lawyer trope delivered with apologies to any non-miserable lawyers reading this #also baking professionally is just insane work but guess what! hob is insane in this fic #as he is in all my fics #at least a little

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aitu · 9 months

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OK this is gonna be some Good Omens meta with implied Good Omens 2 spoilers and Good Omens 3 speculation so please feel free to scroll on but...

I've seen people talk about how much they dislike the idea of Crowley and Aziraphale ending the series as humans and lemme tell you I am RIGHT there with you. Not only because it would condemn them to infinitely shortened lives, but also because it does nothing to solve the structural problems inherent to Heaven and Hell. Like, yes, it would free the two of them from those systems (until they died?) but if the systems remain in place with the continued power to harm those who work within them, is that really a happy ending?

Idk HOW we can dismantle these toxic systems (it's not my job to know) but sometimes I think about the total destruction of Heaven and Hell and the building of a secret third thing where angels and demons are reintegrated with one another in a reflection of the multiple times the Book says that the two sides are basically indistinguishable just by looking. I think about angels and demons having to face one another and millennia-old resentments head-on, not through war but through communication. The angels could express how betrayed they felt when the demons rebelled, when the angels were stuck being Good, and the demons could vent about how much it hurt to have their friends take up arms against them for the sin of questioning God. I think about the two groups having real conversations for the first time in more than 6000 years in this shared space and coming out on the other side a single group. Not because the angels have Fallen or because the demons have been Redeemed but because they've all found ways to forgive one another.

(What this would mean for the cosmology of the blessed and the damned souls of dead humans, idk. Maybe the new Afterlife would implement a system of reincarnation built on the foundation that at the end of the day everybody is just trying their best with what they have?)

Point is, I don't think AziraCrow can be really safe & happy together until their "sides" no longer see the other as the enemy. The Heaven/Hell divide will always be a barrier, harmful not only to our duo but to everyone involved, from the lowest angel to the highest demon. I guess what I'm saying is, the idea of AziraCrow deciding to escape the Heaven/Hell divide by becoming human is a lot less satisfying to me than the idea of them leading the charge to mend the wounds that caused that divide and becoming Something New, together.

Oh also Jesus is there? Maybe They can be the moderator.

#Good Omens #Good Omens meta #Good Omens 2 #Good Omens 3 #AziraCrow #good omens: the point i'm trying to make is the dolphins #Otp: angel and my dear #Good omens spoilers #go2 spoilers #go3 speculation

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pcptpf · 7 months

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A small rant as a religiously traumatized individual regarding Good Omens

TW: Talks of religion, trauma, manipulation, all that good stuff I guess

**********************************

So I honestly just finished good omens s2 a couple days ago. And obviously the brain rot set in. I'm so in love with all of the characters and think they're just lovely. There is one thing that bothers me though and it's the reaction of Aziraphel's exit of this season.

I see a lot of people being pissed at him and rightfully so they've been a dick but Aziraphels also a very very traumatized angel.

We got tidbits of the abuse they endured by the hands of many of the angels. With the nice touch of being told to "shut up and die" by someone he looked up to. This was of course witnessed by Crowley who I think realized in that moment just how bad it's been for their angel up in heaven.

Now onto the trauma bits. I have my own personal experiences with religion and it's not great. I was born into a religion and was forced all my life to serve in it. Told I didn't have a choice and shouldn't want anything else. I was told that as long as I lived under my parents roof I had no choice but to serve.

I wasn't allowed to have outside friends and definitely not hang out with them. I wasn't allowed to be seen with certain people as it would spoil my family's reputation. I was told that eventually all my wordly friends would die so I shouldn't get too attached to them.

So when I saw this very deeply traumatized angel I was like lol me too. One thing about religious trauma and trauma in general is that it never leaves you. When someone spends years and years telling you that you're nothing without the religion. The only people who truly love you are here. They don't give a shit about you but we do. They're all just going to be destroyed one day. They're not good people. It kinda gets set inside of you embedded in you if you will.

So no matter what Aziraphel is going to think this about himself. I've only experienced this for 18 years as Aziraphel has had this happening to him for much much longer. He has been beat down and told to stay there as it's the only thing they should be doing.

Let's talk the authority problems too. If you notice in the scene where Gabriel and Beelzebub are running away together and talking about their love Aziraphel looks so excited. They grab Crowley's shoulder as in saying"that could be us." This is all absolutely shattered the moment metatron opens that door. Everything Aziraphel might've been thinking about fell away the moment he saw the one person he's been looking to be seen by for his entire existence.

Aziraphel spent so long being beat down and oh god here comes fucking Metatron with his stupid coffee. Metatron told Aziraphel everything he knew he wanted to hear. Told Aziraphel everything they wanted to hear. That they were the perfect angel for the job and oh he even thought of them immediately.

The straw that broke the camels back was Metatron telling Azi that they could bring Crowley along. To Azi this was astronomical. They were told for so long (as toxic religious people often say) "stay away from Crowley she's a demon" "demons are horrible nasty people they're awful" and for Metatron the direct messenger to God to be telling Azi he could bring his favorite person to heaven. This was their breaking point.

Also the subtle jabs at Gabriel that were thrown in there too just to spice it up a bit. Metatron knew exactly what he needed to say to get into Aziraphels mind.

Crowley knew the extent of what would happen to Aziraphel and they were terrified for them. But Aziraphel was so sure that ohh yes they've done awful things but now they're changing I mean look Gabriel is leaving so everything can change between us too.

Aziraphel is seeing it as "oh it's finally changing I don't have to choose anymore we can be together and be angels we dont have to pick sides anymore because this side is welcoming us with open arms” when in reality they're not.

To others it may seem like an obvious decision “oh they’ve been so horrible to him” “they’re such toxic people why would Aziraphel want to be with them” but this isn’t how Aziraphel sees it at all. It is so hard to walk away from something after you’ve been told for so long that if you walk away you’re a horrible person and you’re losing everything. Aziraphels choices were always either “Choose Crowley and be an outcast or choose us and be up in heaven and be “good” and “faithful”” and for those choices to be combined into one is all Aziraphel ever wanted. It’s not an obvious choice to him it’s the only choice he thinks will keep him from losing everything that ever actually mattered.

#good omens #aziraphel #crowley #good omemes #tw religious themes #personal rant #rant post #gay #good onens #ineffable lovers #ineffable partners #ineffable fandom

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lithium80writer · 7 months

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Bad Things (Eddie Munson Short Story)

⚠️Warnings: Explicit sexual content. MINORS DNI. Toxic relationship. Drugs. Angst.⚠️

Summary: Modern AU. Rockstar Eddie. Nova Gray is a pop star and the on again/off again girlfriend of rockstar Eddie Munson. Both of them are at the height of their career. Fame and trouble follow these two everywhere they go. They both know they are no good for each other but can they stay away? Just a heads up that this will not be typical sweet Eddie. He's kind of an asshole. But a hot one.

Characters and intro, Chapter one

Chapter Two: Eddie Fucking Munson

****Don't matter what you say. Don't matter what you do. I only wanna do bad things to you..****

Nova's POV

You had an interview today which you were dreading already. Rebecca White was one of the most nosy people in the industry and you already knew her questions would consist of nothing but Eddie Munson.

"You're gonna do great, babe." Max says gently as he kisses your cheek. You give him a half smile as you grab your purse and sling it over your shoulder. "Fuck.. where's my phone? I'm gonna be late." you groan as you flip the blanket on your bed searching for it.

You hear it ringing in the distance and Max makes it there before you. You see Eddie's face on the screen and Max's turns to you, his eyes full of questions.

"The performance at the VMA's is soon. I'm sure that's what it's about." you lie as you take your phone. Though broken up, you and Eddie still had to perform your duet together in a few days. That should be fun.

"Yeah, I'm sure... Call me when you're done with the interview. Maybe we can grab lunch somewhere?" Max calls as you head for the door.

"Sure!" you call back slamming the door behind you. You run to the elevator as your phone continues to ring. "Hello?" you answer the phone in a rush.

"Hey Princess."

God, his voice makes me melt.

"I don't have time to talk, Eddie. I'm in a hurry." you say quickly as push open the doors to the outside world. You see your driver parked and waiting for you.

"How's my favorite girl?" he continues anyways as you slide in the backseat of the car.

"When did I become your favorite over Stacie, or Jessica, or what was the bendy one's name... oh yeah... Trixie?" you snap.

"You're stressed. What's going on... hey, no teeth.." he mumbles.

"Are you seriously getting your dick sucked while you're calling me? Fuck you, Eddie!"

"Oh come on, you're the only one I let use teeth..."

You hang up the phone and lean back against the seat with a sigh. He's literally impossible.

Why does everything in me want to tell the driver to head there instead? Why am I always craving him?

You grab your phone again flipping through your contacts.

"I fucking hate him." you say as soon as she picks up and Chloe snorts.

"No you don't. But I've told you a thousand times, come to the dark side, baby. We have so much fun." she teases.

Chloe Monroe. My only true friend in this industry. Proud lesbian and hater of most of the male species.

"I do. He's such an asshole." you groan and she sighs deeply.

"So you're trying to decide if you should go fuck him or not." she states bluntly.

"What? No!" you protest. "Shit... maybe. I miss him." you mumble.

"Suck it up, baby. You need to go to this interview and then you need to go home to your sweet hunk of a man." Chloe says sternly.

"You're right. I know you're right."

"I'm always right. But if you do go, tell me all the filthy details later." she giggles and you just roll your eyes.

"I love you. Gotta go."

"Love you!"

Your driver meets your eyes through the mirror and shakes his head with a laugh.

"You do keep an old man like me entertained." Sal laughs and you can't help but give him a smile. He pulls up in front of the building and you take a deep breath before slipping out of the car.

I can do this. Just talk about my music. Stay focused.

The fact that it's filmed in front of a live audience wasn't helping your stress level. This was your first interview since your breakup six months ago. People wanted to know what happened. Everyone wanted to know the dirty details of your life as if it wasn't breaking your heart into pieces.

These people didn't care about you. They just wanted information. It was just the business.

You made your way to hair and makeup. The guy who tended to you was a sweetheart. He kept the conversation light and focused on getting you perfect for the camera.

And then came Rebecca.

"Nova! You look incredible!" she gushes as you stand up from the chair. You give her the fakest of smiles as she pulls you in for a hug.

"Thank you. So do you." you reply sweetly. "So I just wanted to make sure we were clear on the topics..."

"I know, dear. No talk of that handsome boy of yours... is he still yours?"

Fuck this shit.

"Rebecca, with all due respect, I don't have to do this interview."

"I'm only kidding. I received a list of all the off-topic things before the show. No Munson. No diets. No Max? Such a shame.. he's a cutie." she chatters.

"Are we clear?" you say shortly.

"I'll see you soon." she disappears swiftly and you feel even more nervous than before.

You quickly dial your manager and she answers immediately.

"You can't back out."

"She's gonna spend the entire interview talking about the breakup. I can already tell." you argue.

"Nova, you need this. You need to get back out there. You need to talk about your new album. You need to show them he didn't destroy you." Lisa pushes back.

You pause for a second weighing your options. She's gonna eat me alive.

"Put your big girl panties on. Those sexy ones, with the little bow." Lisa chuckles.

You exhale deeply and tell her you'll call her after.

Here we fucking go.

You walk out on the stage and the crowd begins with their clapping and cheers. You look out and give them all a wave as you plaster a smile on your face.

You see Rebecca seated in her chair as you make your way across the stage. She stands and greets you before you take your place across from her.

The questions start simple. "How have you been?" "What new projects are you working on?"

She lets you talk about your new album which makes you feel excited and a little more relaxed. Maybe she won't bring him up.

"Nova will be performing a song from her upcoming album for the first time for all of you!" Rebecca cheers. The crowd is filled with excitement as you make your way to the side of the stage.

The lights dim and you take the mic in your hand.

"Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

If I shall die before I 'wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take."

You speak the first verse slowly. You close your eyes and shut out the people around you. You feel the music running through your veins as you begin to sing.

"I, I keep a record of the wreckage of my life.

I gotta recognize the weapon in my mind.

They talk shit, but I love it every time.

And I realize..

I've tasted blood and it is sweet.

I've had the rug pulled beneath my feet.

I've trusted lies and trusted men.

Broke down and put myself back together again.

Stared in the mirror and punched it to shatters.

Collected the pieces and picked out a dagger.

I've pinched my skin in between my two fingers

And wished I could cut some parts off with some scissors.

"Come on, little lady, give us a smile"

No, I ain't got nothin' to smile about.

I got no one to smile for, I waited a while for

A moment to say I don't owe you a goddamn thing.

I, I keep a record of the wreckage of my life

I gotta recognize the weapon in my mind

They talk shit, but I love it every time

And I realize..

I'm no sweet dream, but I'm a hell of a night.

That I'm no sweet dream, but I'm a hell of a night.

No, I won't smile, but I'll show you my teeth.

And Imma let you speak if you just let me breathe.

I've been polite, but won't be caught dead.

Lettin' a man tell me what I should do in my bed.

Keep my exes in check in my basement,

'Cause kindness is weakness, or worse, you're complacent.

I could play nice or I could be a bully.

I'm tired and angry, but somebody should be.."

You lose yourself in your song as you perform. Fuck, I missed this.

"Someone like me can be a real nightmare, completely aware.

But I'd rather be a real nightmare than die unaware, yeah.

Someone like me can be a real nightmare, completely aware.

But I'm glad to be a real nightmare, so save me your prayers..."

You finish the song softly.

"I'm no sweet dream, but I'm a hell of a night.

That I'm no sweet dream, but I'm a hell of a night."

The crowd cheers wildly as the lights brighten. You smile and give your lip a little bite. They liked it.

You start to feel a new confidence. One that's been missing these past few months. Maybe Lisa was right. This was needed.

You take your seat again across from Rebecca who praises you dramatically. She's so fake. Her personality and her entire face. It's not my business.. I'm just saying. You wouldn't recognize her if you had met her 5 years ago.

"Dark and dramatic and sexy all at once. I love it!" she purrs.

You give her a smile and thank her before glancing at the clock. It's almost over.

"Now.. a question we've all been wondering.."

Don't do it.

Your smile immediately fades.

"What happened between you and Eddie Munson? Everyone thought the two of you would be together forever. Well maybe not forever.. this is the fourth time you guys have split? The last one was pretty nasty." she flings the words out before you can even process.

This bitch. I can't overreact. It's a taping but there are people here, fans. She knows what she's doing.

There are murmurs throughout the crowd.

Calm down, Nova. Breathe.

"I like to keep some things private. My romantic life being one of them. I hope everyone here can understand that." you repeat the rehearsed lines Lisa fed to you before the show.

"Well I wouldn't call getting into a fight in a bar in front of one hundred people very private... what started that? Did he cheat?" she lowers her voice on the last word as if everyone in the room can't hear your conversation.

"Rebecca, I was in this industry before Eddie. I am an artist. My entire life doesn't revolve around Eddie fucking Munson." you spit the last words and Rebecca does a dramatic gasp.

Shit.

"I think this interview is done." you quickly make your way off the stage.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

You call Sal and rush down the stairs. The paparazzi is waiting for you as you open the doors.

"Nova! Over here!" Shouts and screams surround you as the flashes blind your eyes. Sal quickly makes his way to you and helps you into the car.

He pulls off quickly as your tears begin to fall.

"Home, Ms. Gray?"

"No... I.. can you take me to see him?" you sniffle.

Sal nods and turns down the familiar street. He slowly comes to a stop in front of the apartment building.

"Want me to wait?" Sal asks as you open the door to leave.

"No. Thank you, Sal." you say before shutting the door behind you.

You walk in and the security guard gives you a nod as he lets you past him. You slip in the elevator and chew your lip as you watch the floor numbers rise.

You reach his floor and stand in front of his door. Your phone goes off in your pocket.

Max: Any requests for lunch or you want me to pick?

Fuck.

The door opens and you look up to see his dark brown eyes. A shit eating grin on his face.

"Hello, sweetheart."

*A/N: lyrics from Halsey's song Nightmare

Masterlist to follow along 🖤

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bunchacrunchcake · 4 months

Text

Why does sexuality have to suck so much.

There's so much morality and gender roles tied around it. And this weird element of game theory.

Men are expected to ask women out. Women are expected to give signals to men. Women do this because Men can be really scary. Men follow women home. They say sexual things to women that have already said they're married. This is the tamer side of how horrible and scary men can be. Also, because men have to ask women out, they are constantly doing it, and it really makes women want to engage with that even less. However on the flip side, women are human and still do want romantic partners. So if someone they're interested in is flirting with them in a way they like, it's a good thing.

It's this interaction that sucks. It's so confusing. You can almost never know if your advances are wanted or not. For every time where you're 100% sure the other person is flirting, there's like 10 similar times where they're not. And vice versa. There are so many times where you leave a situation and you're like oh my god they were giving the biggest signals!

This is why, as a kink friendly person I really prefer direct communication. No it's NOT romantic. It can be, but it takes some finesse to make direct communication flirty. And it's only as awkward as you make it. "Hi, I think you are attractive. I would like to go on a date if you're free." "Yes/no."

But it never actually works like that. The worst part is the look on someones face like "Oh my god gross is this person asking me out right now." And then the humiliation when they say no. There are so so many times where it can be cordial and you say oh well no problem it was nice meeting you! I hope the rest of your day is great. And then you leave. And it's not a big deal. But you can literally talk to two people in almost the same way and one will be flattered but not interested. And another will be horrified, disgusted, and or embarrassed.

Do I like asking people out? No it's a chore. It's embarrassing and people are embarrassed for you when they watch you do it. It also makes things super awkward. Like if you're convinced someone you know or interact with is interested in you and you ask them out, and they rebuke you, chances are, even if you don't feel awkward about it, they do, and it's "ruined things." Your workplace will be awkward. Or you can't go back to that store. Or whatever. Even if the interaction was legitimately "Hey are you flirting with me by any chance?" "No I am not." "Oh okay, no sweat, I couldn't tell."

I'm reasonably attractive and no one asks me out. It has literally happened to me two times. I remember them. I'm not feeling entitled to a galactic shift in social norms. It's just how things are.

And yes we can all get on dating apps. If I want to pay $20/month per app for enough swipes to get a few dates on a piece of software that is explicitly designed to addict me and lower my self esteem, sure. I can do that.

It just sucks. I don't know what else to say.

It sucks that we can't live in a world where if someone thinks you're cute there's a non invasive way to do it, that is explicit so both people are like yep/nope that happened, and that the aftermath of that really simple interaction isn't HOLY FUCK I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE DONE THIS.

It's fine if you don't want to date people you aren't attracted to! It's fine if you need to set boundaries with people who are being gross, scary, stalkery!

But like ugh. Hot men can honestly be really gross to women sometimes and it's welcomed. And non attractive men (to that woman) can be really normal and neutral and it's "gross and embarrassing".

I guess as an AMAB person, we should really work hard to unlearn a lot of toxic masculinity, teach consent, and learn how to be respectful and polite when engaging with people romantically. But like, it goes two directions. Please don't treat us like we're disgusting. Or at least start asking us out so we don't have to do all the heavy lifting. I'm really freaking tired of trying to figure out whether someone is giving out enough romantic signals that I should then go for the coin flip of asking them out that might result in them hating me forever.

I don't even know. Do I expect all 8 billion people on Earth to magically emotionally mature over night? No. I just want to rant about this so I can move on with my life and stop judging myself for other people's negative reactions to me when I'm doing my best to be a good person.

#196 #relationships #romance #dating #dating advice

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utilitycaster · 1 year

Note

Sorry to keep the string of im*dna questions in your ask box, but I've been wondering, in your opinion are laura and marisha having their relationship be this... offputting on purpose, and we will get to a point where they develop out of it, or are they trying to write their relationship as cute/romantic (and it's not coming out well)? I always thought it was an unhealthy dynamic on purpose, but after how fast they resolved the gnarlrock fight I wonder when they're going to sort their stuff out, if they're planning on it at all. I know I'm not too good at picking up subtext but the fact most of the fandom seems to think they're just cute girlfriends leaves me very confused on the whole situation, I'd appreciate hearing your perspective.

Hi anon!

I don't know what Marisha and Laura's intent is, but I have to assume they're aware to an extent of how this relationship comes off (ie, incredibly unhealthy). I think anything else diminishes their skill as actors, their intelligence as people, and feels outright incorrect based on what we've seen and heard from them in the past. Their answers during talkback and a few in-game moments across campaigns have led me to believe that in general, the cast in general, and Marisha and Laura in particular, have a good sense of how to portray relationships in a thoughtful, nuanced way. Which, you know, for a group of voice actors, some of whom also direct or write, is a pretty crucial skill! So anyway, I believe that their choices have been intentional.

I can only speculate as to why the fandom thinks they're just cute girlfriends, and will put it under a cut.

Again, speculation, but: people have been shipping this since quite literally the minute the two appeared on screen as characters who knew each other. As for why, I suspect it's one of the following: some are genuinely interested in the potential or the characters and aren't as attuned to how toxic this is. Some would like an F/F ship no matter what and don't care about the characters or how toxic it is (although like...honestly if you're shipping this as horrible toxic codependence, more power to you, it's not my cup of tea, but it's fiction, you're valid, and you're also not saying Cute Girlfriends so this doesn't apply anyway). Some are weirdly obsessed with Marisha and Laura specifically playing lovers despite consistently playing Two Women Who Don't Get Each Other/Can't Be Honest With Each Other across three separate campaigns, which is how we got the "Beauyasha is For Straight People" nonsense.

It's been fascinating to track the bargaining going on in the Cute Girlfriends camp. It went from early campaign "they're girlfriends already!" to "oh they've been in love for a long time" to "they realized they loved each other during the gnarlrock incident" (itself a backtrack from how Imogen sucked for being mad at Laudna) to "I would give anything for them to talk" and then when they did talk, began rapidly backpedaling. The idea of this being anything but explicitly romantic love would have gotten you anon hate a few months ago, but the popularity of it as a QPR has suddenly spiked as of the last episode (which, honestly, is weird, because like, yes, people in a QPR don't necessarily kiss, but also, I would still expect someone in a QPR to tell their queerplatonic partner 'hey it is fucked up that you can't promise me you won't SIDE WITH MY MURDERER'. I mean. I would expect you to be able tell any friend of two years that.)

It's like they're trying to hang on to their first impression in the early episodes - why they cling to such minor characters as Zhudanna or this idea of a static hypothetical dream cottage where nothing happens - but canon keeps diverging more and more, and I wonder what will happen.

Anyway. I guess I leave you with this thought:

Imagine that Ashton had entertained siding with the god-killing cult in conversation with Laudna. Do you think the people who ship Imogen and Laudna would have tolerated that?

Imagine that Imogen had said "I know loneliness you don't" to Laudna. Do you think the people who ship Imogen and Laudna would be mad about it?

#answered #Anonymous #critical role spoilers

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just-a-random-person24 · 12 days

Text

More more Stark's Mind notes eps 9-14

Episode 9

“Have you guys ever heard of Felix Freeman?” FELIX MENTION. Talks about him like they were friendly/friends

“Just don't get discouraged by that man's words.” I stg it sounds more like he's telling that to himself than the little survivor group he has

“Just keep going. Whether you have to help someone, or kill someone, there's one clear goal in mind.” Oh 💔

“Just don't let up, Stark. Don't give in.” He's trying to make himself feel better </3

“We would've been out of here if someone had one god damned key.” Key's would help if the locks were on your side of the door

“Just don't mind the neurological stress this whole thing has had on me.” And it's gonna get WORSE from here

“People like them are counting on me. And I swear, I will get through this, I will. I have to. It's my responsibility.” He's putting so much on himself god

Episode 10

“What do they use? Echolocation?” I have no clue about the Black Mesa headcrab models, but the og Headcrab models do actually have eyes! They're on its front pincers(?) and are pretty small

“I wish I knew how to do a pull-up.” Again, twink.

“You can never hate Mr. Whiskers.” CAT PERSON 🐱 (cat-bo💥)

“Sorry, insects and arachnids.” Very important to make that distinction

“I concur.” STUPID FUCKING NERD ASS (/aff)

‘can you access the mail server?’ “That's not helping!” I just found that interaction funny lmao

Episode 11

“So as of right now, when I get to the surface I'll have to deal with being an imposter, PTSD, the deaths of several employees, and an alien invasion. Oh and that whistle blowing thing from back then.” The whistle blowing thing???

“I can already see the headlines. ‘Charming physicist saves entire facility.’” Sir, your ego is showing.

5 grenades used before he gives up on trying to blow the turret up with one. Please learn to conserve your shit I'm begging 💔

Gets shot somewhere by the turret (probably on face? He says he felt it)

“Once I get out… Well, if I get out. Correction.” Give yourself some more credit man </3

Episode 12

“I might be overthinking this whole thing!” About seeing someone from the ‘rescue team’ shoot a scientist

2 ear injuries! Both ears are injured

“Christ my ears…” There's no way he doesn't have some form of hearing damage from all of this

“Somebody should supply the military with a fucking thesaurus.” *cough* Yore dead Freeman *cough*

“I still don't know how I'm doing this!” Fear and adrenaline is one hell of a combo

“I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and somehow… I really shouldn't dwell on that kind of thinking too much. Usually that kind of thinking leads you to your death.” Oh ☹️

Episode 13

“I'm being a bit overdramatic, aren't I?” HAVE YOU SEEN THE SITUATION YOU ARE IN?

“There's also no point fighting scared civilians either!” sir you are way past the point of being a civilian?

“It's kill or be killed.” No actual comment, I just like how he says it

Episode 14

He's… so, so dumb sometimes (presses a random button without knowing what it would do)

“This is how I would envision a railway system set deep underground.” That's… so specific cause what else would that be.

His reaction to the actual tram is so <3 cause it's the only time in this whole series he finds something amusing (which I mean, fair tbh)

“My nose is bleeding because of the sheer amount of rage and frustration that I am going through right now.” Fun fact, stress can actually cause/worsen nosebleeds! So rip man

“I am the embodiment of anger.” I am so sorry but he's so cringe sometimes please shut up (/lovingly)

“See! That's not real- it's real.” I have so many questions. Why does Black Mesa just, have that much toxic waste??

“Until I become suicidal or something.” You… aren't already?

#stark's mind #vincent stark #mindverse #I'm gonna try making my notes 6 eps instead of the 4 I was doing before

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lzizzz · 6 months

Text

What did you think when you left me this way

by Lingering_Bastard

Chapter 4: Out of Grasp

- Kevin -

It’s not really a house party without the obligatory backyard fire. In this case, instead of a firepit, it was a nasty-looking, all rust and no paint barrel. What started off as the usual branches and sticks the excited drunkards found eventually became a random, probably hazardous, mishmash of trash thrown in. I watched as each questionable item was added to the mess, making flames turn green in toxicity.

I’d spend half the night skirting around her, neither of us willing to leave, yet not willing to approach. I can’t tell what she is trying to do. If this truly was her getting over me- oh god that made my stomach turn in a painful way- or if she was proving a point.

Though it might just have been her want to get high. And her friends don’t leave her side for all three hours I've been here, so I can't really ask without being hounded by her guard dogs.

I say 'friends' but the second girl, she defiantly seemed to be flirting. I’d tried to pin it on her personality being touchy, or her becoming very loving when high. But that certainly wasn’t the case. I shouldn’t let that girl’s flirting bother me but every hand I saw placed on the waist of my ex, every too personal attention or overly sexual joke, makes me want to throw this new pursuer into the fire. Knowing she was single, having people see her as for the taking… lord jealousy does not sit well with me, I really thought I’d be over it by now. She’d been going to parties without me for a while now, I wasn’t there to scare anyone off her, she’s probably been hit on a bunch these two months, no doubt because she is the most gorgeous person on this entire planet.

This was pathetic. Maybe I should just ditch this whole night and go home. Play with some computer viruses, let some bullshit code distract me until I’m too worn out to be awake.

I turn my head back to the raging flames, noting the small groups of people sitting around and smoking. Chatting up and having fun. I use to resent that, their vices and trivial pleasures. But tonight, I know they are having more fun than me. No part of me is bothered to pretend to be social, and I stare with soft envy as I see these unimportant assholes enjoying themselves.

I turn to leave, to sneak out without a word to anyone, when I see the tell-tail warning flag of her sweater in the corner of my eye. As if on reflex I look, I have to look.

She's over by the stairs that lead off the deck onto the lawn. Silently sipping away at some drink, phone in the other hand, probably texting her mum.

‘Oh shit, she’s actually alone right now’ I realize.

I double-check around her and find myself correct. No Nina, no older flirting girl outside with her. Did they leave her or did she come outside for a breather? Either way, I didn’t know if she was going to be alone again tonight. There was no force that could have stopped my curious, if not outrageously senseless self-walking over to sit next to her.

I sit a respectable, arms-length distance next to her, the lacquered wood of the deck cold. I'm close enough to notice the multicolored pattern on her left by the blub lights hanging above us. The streaks illuminating her skin in an ethereal glow, and weaving through her hair. She seemed unaware of me for a moment, engrossed in the text, before sluggishly turning her head to me.

Our eyes met for the second time tonight.

At barely a glance I can tell she’s way past a normal buzz. This may have bothered me more if I wasn’t thankful that it definitely distracted her from my blatant staring.

Seeing her face so close after two months was more startling than I prepared for. I didn’t think I’d react at all, weeks of convincing myself I was numb to her. But I can’t help memorize the moment, imprint it as if this was my last chance to do so.

Her eyes unfocused, screwed up in confusion as they met mine. Then the realization struck, that it wasn’t her friend (nor the infuriating pursuer) sitting next to her, but in fact the face she hated most here.

It was almost insulting that she doesn’t bother hiding a groan of irritation. Then those sleepy eyes loll to the sky.

I was expecting surprise, fury, maybe even silence as she got up and fled. Not her pocketing the phone, and setting down the red cup, in measured movements. She takes her time sitting back, stretching her arms behind her to lean on her palms. Unexpectedly, this girl was getting comfortable in my presence.

“What do you want.” Her voice was accusatory, understandably, but not coming out threatening. Just… worn out. As if the weeks of silence had been filled with arguments and post-breakup phone calls that ended with one of us hanging up in frustration.

Ending the two-month silence so casually is rather anticlimactic. I’d imagined scenarios filled with more importance or weight behind the conversation. The whys and accusations. Telling me to fuck off or spreading rumors.

Instead, her demeanor is casual and almost inviting. But the fake sort of inviting, like a parent awkwardly standing on the doorstep collecting their kid from a playdate.

“Maybe I should ask you that same question, I thought you knew I was coming.” I carefully retort.

“Doesn’t look like your scene.” She shrugs, her voice is so melodic it's a bit distracting, “I thought you didn’t do the drugs and smoke.”

“That’s not an answer-”

“Do you know how many breakups there are in Highschool?” She continues on, cutting me off, “I mean so many kids just getting together one week, and separating the next. So many people have an Ex. Most of my friends do, and yet, none of their stories sound remotely similar to ours?" She lets out a huff of annoyance, but I let her continue. "I mean most people break up instantly when they don't like each other. And yet you dragged me around, month after month, just letting me self-doubt and question everything I did. Why would you keep me around if you hated me so much?"

"Well I-"

"Just shut up for a second Kev!" She snaps, "What were you thinking the night my thigh got slashed huh? I was in the hospital for eight hours creating a tight backstory to get everyone out of trouble. Do you know how surprised my mum was when she came to pick me up and discovered you weren't there with me? It has been probably the most fucked up relationship, and I don't understand why none of us called it off sooner. But what just gets me is your goddamn insistence to be separated at all costs."

“What are you trying to say?”

"We go to the same school! Have similar groups! Of course, we are going to run into each other. I don't expect explanations or apologies, but-" she stops abruptly, possibly realizing her voice was raising. Her scene wasn't noticed by many, and after a quick glance around to find her friends were not yet back, she relaxes.

“I...don’t know how to go about this situation Kev." Her eyebrows furrow a bit, trying to catch onto a fleeting thought. And halfway through that, she gives up and just laughs. That laugh turns into a deep sigh.

"Ahh, too fucked up to think right now. I’m just done with whatever we’ve been doing during the breakup. Parties I’m missing and people I’m not hanging out with because we don’t want to collide. Heck, changed my walk home just so I don’t have to catch a glimpse of you after the bell rings. Maybe I just want the whole ignoring game to stop weighing on my mind all the time.”

“That’s all?” I catch myself before I scoff, “This isn’t you getting back at me or some sort of intervention. Just you being fed up, huh?”

“Look Kev,” She turns her head away from the sky, and my breath catches in my throat. The eye contact is making my heart race, and I can’t tell if it’s panic or adoration. A disgusting mix of both probably. I hold strong and don’t look away, but she doesn’t look even a little bothered. Not by our conversation, nor our closeness. No chip in her armor I could penetrate. Was this really her truth, or just high talk?

“I’ve had to accept that it’s a small community and I don’t want anything to ruin my other friendships. Plus, I don’t want school to be weird. I just have to accept you being around sometimes. Even though it hurts me to see your dumb beautiful face up close,”

“Wha-“ No please repeat that.

“Hey, no need to reject me twice, I got the message last time.” She stands, the conversation forcefully being ended. Her words of adoration are still trying to make sense in my head when she turns and hesitantly speaks again.

“It’s just, moving on I guess. I’m not sorry about being a terrible girlfriend, but I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm not going out of my way to avoid you, just because you don't like seeing my face. I'll just, y'know, respect boundaries I guess. See ya”

As she leaves, I train my eyes to the ground, forcing the confusing mess of thoughts trying to invade me to fight just a little longer. If I stared at the ground long enough it might just catch fire, but even that was a better alternative to looking back and facing her. Facing the girl I tortured for months to hate me, yet still had the nerve to tell me she was fine with seeing me every day, interacting with the same people, living side by side like ghosts.

And unabashedly telling me she still saw me as beautiful?

Without warning an angry blush crept onto my face, I am nowhere near the fire to blame it on the heat. My fists ball up and this time I truly do scoff, out loud and to myself. I wasn’t embarrassed, right? This was just misdirected anger. I’m just angry she doesn’t get it, that she didn’t follow the rules of the game and act cold back to me.

And the rules of the playing field change again. Without my consent, rather, with me fighting back the whole time. She wins again.

The walk home did not do me the favor of ridding my clothes from the scent of smoke and weed; which pissed me off first.

After side sweeping my mum, still awake in the dead of night for some stupid reason asking me stupid questions, I was twice as pissed off.

Trying not to punch holes in walls, I focus solely on the need to shower. I strip my clothes off like prison garb, wanting to get rid of tonight as quickly as possible. I scrub my skin raw and wash my hair three times. Irrational, obsessive, but suddenly wanting, needing, to cover up evidence. Since crawling out of my skin wasn’t an option.

Catching a glimpse at my exhausted face in the mirror when leaving the bathroom, thinking of that word again.

Beautiful?

Did she really have to go say that? Even if it meant nothing for her, just said as a joke or to rile me up, it unfairly meant something to me. Such a small, in the wind compliment. Why the fuck did it have to make me blush. Making me swallow down feelings of unwelcome giddiness and nerves. It wasn’t like it was the first time she said it, but it may as well have been.

So now three times as pissed off, and I'm too sleep-deprived, to know what to do with all that confusion and rage.

I jump into bed, only to struggle against my mattress and land a few blows to my pillow in frustration. Maybe I should have taken a joint back at the party since I’m starting to see the appeal of self-medicating; because whatever this is, it sucks.

Laying on my back, defeated, I listen to the house settling. It was a quiet night, even the sounds of a stray car driving by or wind rustling the trees in our backyard were eaten alive by these empty halls.

It made me wonder, did she end up going home, or did she decide to sleep over? Skip the glares of suspicion at home by waiting out the high and sneaking home the next day to wash and change. Would she fall asleep alone on a couch, or cuddle up to the teasing senior on a flimsy air mattress? A pang of jealously strikes me again, joining the countless times I was envious at the party, as I imagined them cuddling up under those senseless multicolored blankets Eddie has an abundance of. Whispering slurred thoughts, inebriated and delirious, maybe deep words. But worse, maybe flirtatious ones. I grit my teeth at that, and without thinking, slide out of bed.

Muscle memory driving my movements, I don’t even have the energy between being this tired and enraged to rationalize my decisions. I reach into my wardrobe, my hands almost too eager, and pull out the shirt that I’d been so reluctant to part with. The one I’d hidden in my memory, sworn to throw out, tried to justify as an oversight.

Maybe now I’m realizing, I kept it in the same way she so easily admired me tonight. It wasn’t a hard decision to throw it away, rather, an easy decision to keep it. Easier than completely forgetting, just having enough of her around me to keep the guilt of leaving, a reason to torture myself subconsciously. This is what I did, both my fault but the path I, for a few good months, really thought I could take.

I take the neatly folded shirt with me, back to bed with a sense of remorse. We didn’t really nap. She would doze off sometimes during my practice, usually though it was a lot of wandering off. Library trips to pick books we thought the other would like, getting ice cream from corner stores; distracting the clerk while the other stole snacks from the back isles.

She’d try her hand at anything, playing an instrument or trying to keep a herb garden. She wouldn’t hesitate to land herself detention if she wanted to yell back at a teacher, or even join another friend for the punishment. Wearing a church dress I’d seen her kick off her heels to climb a tree, just to rescue a kite for some kid.

And this shirt, a result of my own inaction, she’d tried to introduce me to her friends. Usually, I could avoid that during parties and school, but outside of that, the shopping trips and park picnics did not solely belong to me: to us. I ran out of false excuses to avoid the malls and food courts. Instead of lecturing about consumerism and vanity, complaints on shopping culture, and the need to ‘keep up with the times', I let her drag me along.

It was sort of awkward no matter how casual I wanted to seem, I was a different breed from those she kept around her. Out of place each time we entered a store, my options were lingering behind as her eyes racked over the shelves of what I’d call junk, and shift through clothing. That or walk through the isles alone, looking in thought but truly just judging and people watching.

It was in the changing rooms after she had been eyeing her pile of ‘to buy’ clothing, a pile as big as my at-home wardrobe, she sighed defeated at my reluctance to buy just one new addition to my ‘pitiful’ selection at home. So instead of leaving the mall empty-handed as usual, she took off her shirt and shoved it in its own bag (though it still had the book she bought from earlier in it, and she never asked for that back either). She looked mighty proud, topless and smirking, handing it over like a salesperson.

“To my first customer, no refunds.” She winked, placing a little kiss on my forehead. She only had a moment to laugh at my blushing before leaving it alone. And she took a top from her ‘to buy’ pile and wore it under Nina’s hoodie, never leaving without sticking it to chain stores.

I ogled at the top inside the bag while she got dressed. I’d later know how soft the worn material was, and fall asleep to her scent. She’d never see me wearing it, I was too afraid of messing up the magic it held by putting my own odor on it.

Though it was the one top I kept, I wore a lot of her clothes on other occasions.

Before our evasion of one another, she would pick out an item or two for me when she got sick of seeing my repetitive style. Others may have seen it as a cute couple thing, but inside I felt it was burdening her to dress me up. She never said it was annoying to her, in fact, I think she enjoyed seeing me across the room sporting a jacket of hers or wearing in a new pair of boots she hadn’t found an occasion for. Now that I think about it, maybe she was proud, or excited to share something. Why would I think I was a burden to her when she wholly enjoyed all the dumb little moments we spent together. She noticed things about me, and instead of changing them, just took them in stride and worked with whatever shit boyfriend material I was.

I didn’t get invited to many mall trips once she realized it made me uncomfortable. I was glad she noticed without me complaining, and I suppose she got to keep those trips to herself, able to gossip about me and laugh at things she didn’t like in the relationship.

Before the laughter became frustrated tears, ignoring texts and not holding hands. Nights of lost sleep, bitten nails, and drinking from the parents' liquor cupboard.

Before we were most apart when we were next to each other.

She sometimes found trinkets at the store I found, begrudgingly, less terrible than just junk.

On a rainy bus ride back, fixing her damp hair and running mascara, laughing at the misfortune, she had handed me a phone charm. A white bunny with no mouth, just innocent eyes, and a fluffy tail standing out from the plastic body.

“Bought this for ya~” She proudly held my cupped hand, obviously trying to rile me up.

“You actually pulled your wallet out for me?” I joked, not really caring if this was stolen goods, but she gasped in mock accusation.

“Oh no, I paid a small business to get my boyfriend a gift. Kev, I think I might be a bad person.”

“The worst I’d say.” Pulling out my phone as she put a hand to her chest in dramatic shock. My phone did have a little slot to tie on the bunny, I hadn’t cared for that part of the design before. After it was secure I handed it over for her to inspect.

“Aww so cute, you should name them.” She played with the tail. We hit a bump in the road and I kicked my leg out, stopping her bags from falling over as she was too enamored by the trinket. Figures, the little airhead.

“Why a bunny anyways?” I asked, she just struggled and handed my phone back, “You think I’m a rabbit?”

“Pfft. Nope.” Casually, she looked me up and down her face in deep thought. I could tell she wanted to say something on the matter, but she hid whatever it was under a non-answer. “I just figured you needed a bunny in your life.”

That spawned countless questions I’d never ask.

I sigh back into the shirt I’m holding. That trinket was one of the first things I’d rid myself of when I started the separation mission. I’d been fiddling with the string all day at school, and it had finally broken around the final bell. I’d gulped down my attachment to the bunny I never named, and when exiting school I looked straight ahead as I threw it into a bin. Done in a way that was trivial, in a place I couldn’t find it again. Lost to the waste of all humankind. Throwing that keyring away, I believed was a sign I could throw her away just as easily. And I was so wrong.

Lying here in the dead of night, early morning some would argue, a terrifying thought crosses my mind. I’d spent months ruining her image of me, hurting her with my actions. When around me, I’d put a damper on her good moods, made her second guess herself, feel inferior, and many other terrible things. I’d spent all that time corrupting what I am to her. So of course, she could let me go easily. But I hadn’t spent time ruining her image to me. I’d spent each moment I hurt her still liking her, still attached and holding her in high regard.

So of course, like the altercation at the party proved, it wasn’t me that actually let go, I couldn’t. It was her. She had both the pain and the strength to do it. I was still the coward that held onto her, and all the good memories we had together.

I noticed the wet shirt first before I realized it was from tears. I was crying. The numbness from before transformed into a heart-squeezing dread. I choked on a sound, a cry, or a call, it came out broken and my hand quickly covered my mouth.

Her shirt smelled of a perfume I vaguely recognized, not a signature scent, but she’d often wore it when she was being casual. It a non-threatening one. Meant to be forgettable but also likable. Something so trivial, yet the only thing left of her, and it wasn’t bad. A symbol of a day, long ago, forgotten but carefree and happy.

Never did either of us think we would end things like this. All the moments I could have just broken us up and avoided any pain, was it worth sticking around to have those happy memories? To have that joy shattered in the end? To hold all of this grief, what would have been love, turning sour because it has nowhere to go. No choice but to rot inside me.

Another wave of dread, another sob. I just want the tears to go away. Let me sleep. Let me forget about this because I’ve been awake too long and now all I can do is give permission for my mind to taunt me.

I reach out and grab my second pillow that’s almost fallen off the bed, I feel silly with my actions but that doesn’t stop me from pulling the shirt over like another pillowcase. Once fully fitted, I embrace it for a moment, as if this was just a cuddle session and she was in my bed; after that dumb party. She’d probably be asleep, too greened out to stay awake and sneak in a movie or chat. Maybe I would have cajoled her into taking a shower to get the smell off as I did. She’d never used my shower before, we’d laugh it off as a relationship milestone. The idea of it makes me smile, tears finally slowing. Yeah, she would defiantly shower off before she came into bed with me, I wouldn’t want my sheets smelling like weed and mum asking questions. And she would have to change because her clothes would be smoke-smelling too. I don’t have a spare set of PJ’s, I usually sleep nude anyways, and no way would I let her use mum’s spares. I don’t want the bed to smell like mum.

No, I want the bed to smell like her. The casual perfume. The scents she used at the important birthdays, the deodorant she used at school, the jasmine one she used at small parties, or the more expensive and stronger one she used at raves that made more of a mark. There was a particular one I remember she had worn when I invited her to accompany me in my room while I became a hostage to this house; a party was thrown downstairs. One I was forced to attend even if it was for ten minutes, which it was, exactly ten minutes.

She has snuck in a Gatorade bottle with vodka, and although I’d told her off for it at the start, we ended up quite drunk by the evening. She’d fallen asleep on my shoulder, perfectly slotting into the crook of my shoulder, listening to me reading some dumb sci-fi. I woke her up later, reluctantly as I was enjoying her weight on me, memorizing the heat of her sleeping form. Harmless and sweet. Usually, a strong force that bent others to her will, instead she was a small breeze that ruffles your hair.

I was taking in that comfort, her silent breathing created a steady pace that distracted me from downstairs. Through the drunk laughter of guests and music I couldn’t stand downstairs, upstairs; it was just me and her.

Months ago it was disconcerting to feel relief in her. To find safety that I wasn’t looking for. To find someone with power over me. Now I craved it. Craved her warmth. Craved the moment I shook her awake and she looked at me with a lopsided smile and asked if we could stargaze before she took the sobering walk home. I don’t think I ever got to know the scent of our breakup. Nor whatever she was wearing last night.

The pillow smelled like her, a version of her, for sure. But it wasn’t ever going to be her. The body I didn’t really memorize. The hugs as brief as I could manage, my touches slight and fleeting. That wasn’t done out of fear of overstepping, nor the gentlemen-like notion of waiting for intimacy. I held back every caress and touch of skin, never letting myself drink up was offered so willingly to me. I’d never had sex, that wasn’t a shame nor something I actively wanted to pursue.

It was more frightening how active my sex drive became when I’d met her. I didn’t want to become attached to those intimate strings nor did I want to know what it felt like with her in bed. ‘At least I wouldn’t miss it’ was what I’d thought when breaking up. Instead, I miss not being able to miss it. Not partaking in that pleasure while I had the chance. To unabashedly feel her body, over and under me.

I can’t control those thoughts as they flood through me, not for the first time, do I envision our first time together, something that we would never have.

The setting changes to here, after the party. Her waking up soberly in the middle of the night, turning around and seeing me holding her tight. Both of us safe and comfortable under the sheets, nude and pressed together. She’d press her lips first to my forehead, probably complain I’m too warm. Then, with the same intensity she had in her gaze on the deck, she would look at me, eyeing my mouth then eyes flicking up back to ask for permission, and pull me in tight for a kiss.

I hardened at the mental image, defiantly not crying anymore. My body curled up against the pillow, still pressed against my nose as my mind whirled with the fantasies of what happened next.

It was heaven and hell, imagining her close in a way that was now forever lost. Touching the breasts I’d only eyed in the past, her body melding into mine. The way she’d moan against me, my hands moving from playing with her tits to sliding lower. Lower just like my hands were doing now. Passing over her rib cage, her hips, playing with the elastic of her underwear before delving further.

My hand slid into my own boxers, palming at the half-hard member, I was defiantly not thinking straight at all but was I supposed to care? My hand grasped the erection and stroked as I both enjoyed the building pleasure, and resented myself for just that. Her lust-filled face fuelled my need and I stroked faster, from base to tip, not letting go of the aggressive pace. Images of flushed cheeks and wanton panting, her soft calls of my name, made my eyes roll back. My pace was rough, needing this to be over, forget being a gross guy who masturbated to his ex. The ex he split with. But oh god the high of forgetting all the wrong in a bout of desire, was an emotional release more powerful than crying or punching a wall.

Forgetting myself, I rocked into my hand, moaning against the pillow softly. I continued the depravity of rutting against my hold, my dick that I’d neglected for a few weeks weeping in relief. This is more than mindless self-indulgence, this was the closest I would get to loving her now. I couldn’t touch her, could barely talk more than two words. But remembering her face, her body, contorting it to a future I’d crushed, guess it was something, though bittersweet and borderline pathetic.

My breath hitched as I wondered if she might have been doing the same at some point. Needy during those drunk moments together, thighs clenching at our closeness, dizzy from my scent. Wanting to undress me when she watched me practice archery, flirting with the idea of undressing me in an empty room at a party. She had plenty of moments to do it, break the spell and force me to forget holding back. Maybe she thought it was too soon. She didn’t seem shy; her observance might have caught onto me being evasive and taken it as discomfort. And why was I even contemplating that when I was touching myself?

Panting, desperate, I was drooling against the shirt at this point, my other hand slid down to tease. The slit of my cock, then further down, cupping my balls a little too harshly as a spasm of pleasure ripped through me. I groped myself thinking that she wouldn’t even act inexperienced, just concentrated wholly on me. I’d be fucking into her, my hips not here rocking into my hands and her shirt-covered pillow, but into her. A wet pussy, what I had done. Her calling for me, telling me how good it was and that she loved me.

“Fuuuck” a low grumble erupted from my throat, unexpectedly. I suppose I liked that, being praised. Especially if those words flowed from her lips, whispered into my ear, or screaming on my dick.

I chocked out another moan, visions of her riding me and telling me in a sweet as the devil voice that I was a good boy. My hand furiously pumping the tip of my cock as I heard that voice calling for me again, muffling my whimpers in fabric. Her teasing mouth telling me I’m beautiful, the way she did last night.

“Hnn, ah. Ahh~” Can’t I shut up? If someon- “ShIIT” I suppose I can’t, I briefly think. But that was tucked far away as I was chasing the height of my pleasure. Her hands-on my chest, keeping up a brutal pace with her hips, so earnestly fucking me into the mattress. My wrist is almost cramping with the tension as I finally feel my high, our high, reach its peak.

“Fuck” my muffled, drooling mouth moves against the pillow, I’d never heard my voice so desperate.

Embarrassingly erotic. “yes yesyesyes ah-“ All words that could have spilled from my mouth ceased as I moaned out her name unabashedly. Behind my closed eyes, rolled all the way back, all I could see was us bound together, panting and praising. Her biting my neck as she gave me my first sex orgasm.

I climax hard against the pillow, coating her shirt in cum. Stroking, I turn my head upward to finally get some needed oxygen, overwhelmed and shaking. So that’s what masturbating when pining over someone felt. My hand doesn’t stop pumping until every last wave of pleasure leaves me. I sigh into the cold air contently, groaning with the realization and shame of the act. It felt so good, I didn’t even know I would make myself climax that hard, but I’d also soaked her shirt in my semen ruining its preserved smell.

Tucking the blissed-out member back in my boxers, I take the shirt off the pillow in spent reluctance, folding it and tossing it to the floor. An issue to deal with tomorrow.

The ecstasy of the aftermath doesn’t leave me, thankfully, and I can ride that sleepy, satisfied feeling to sleep.

There are finally no thoughts. I don’t have to think of anything else but the night that could have happened. A fool for letting her go. An idiot for making her sad. And a massive psychopath for doing it because I had a murder plan that I didn’t even feel like doing anymore. All fading away into the grasp of sleep.

Arms outstretched for a body that wasn’t there.

#kevin khatchadourian #we need to talk about kevin

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