#oddly enough yesterday i was considering deleting my tumblr

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I haven't read anything from you for some days. How are you? :)

I appreciate you asking, and I know I haven’t been my usual rambling self on here. I’m alright, but just haven’t had the zip for writing. Three reasons really.

1) Busy!- Yeah, what else is new! LOL That new section of tree falling on Mom’s house, the lock on that house breaking, the fact I hadn’t cut the brush under the powerline to this house in a year and now vines had nearly reached it, trying to figure out the computer problems so I can get new pics off my camera, protecting the cats from a mysterious something that literally tore apart one of them, etc (you REALLY don’t want me listing it all) had me constantly working on “things” on top of all the previous “things” that were still being worked on. 

Yesterday I had worn myself so down that when I took my ankle braces off I found myself unconsciously doung this thing I do when I’m really hurting of walking on the sides of my feet. It hurts less BUT it isn’t as stable, so what happened? I stumbled walking the plank into my room! Oh, I bounce well and didn’t fal into the “pit of despair” so I wasn’t injured at all by the fall, but it is a sign of how tired I was. AND I still had to go cook my meal! LOL 

2) Lack of sleep!- Again, it sounds like “What else is new?” But actually my sleeping has gotten worse. The causes vary from night to night. Sometimes worries, sometimes breathing problems, sometimes I have a very hard time getting myself to go to bed, sometimes it’s itchy poison ivy and bug bites, sometimes it’s “This damn bed refuses to cozy tonight!”... but whatever, not falling asleep until 3am, waking up again at 5am, lying awake until 9am, and then sleeping again until noon isn’t fun.

So I’m been trying to not write when I’m wanting to be asleep. This means no more insomnia writing (though I have a few still in drafts before I stopped letting myself do it) and no more writing just before bed.  Also I’ve been tired enough that stringing words together sounds exhausting! LOL

3) Mood- Umm...how should I put this? “I am sick of the human race”? “The stupidity of people drains me”? “Every day, maybe even more during all these supposedly encouraging all-in-this-together pandemic posts, I am become more aware of just how outside of society I already am”? I dunno.

To be honest, that’s a whole post in itself. I’ll give you the gist..

All my life I’ve realized my brain is wired oddly, that I see things different that others, and that even my life is highly atypical. I used to think one day I’d discover a place, or at least people, where I belong. For the last few years I’ve been working to accept the fact I actually fit nowhere and that this is okay. 

My key method of coping with this has always been to assume that people are smarter than they seem and always capable of so much more. Lack of perception was a lack of looking, of being distracted. Lack of understanding was simply not having the information broken down in basic and relatable ways.

 It wasn’t discounting my differences, but seeing them as just a minor thing. Yes I notice things that others don’t, spot the patterns, can tell you the shock twist ending of a movie 20min in...but so what. I see things differently, but you can say the same about literal sight. Just give them some metaphorical glasses and they could see like me...

Not that anyone wants to, just that they could.

 Who would want to always be the one the one that when it’s said “everyone thinks” or “everyone feels” or “everyone knows” has to go “Um, well, I don’t”. 

The weird one. 

The odd one. 

The strange one. 

The one that sees everything in shadings and nuances  when the world expects binary answers.

The action hero takes of pf the bookish girl’s glasses and says “Why Miss Jones, you’re beautiful!” She’s blind as a bat, but she never wears the glasses again because now she’s won the hunk, and being alone was really no fun.

People weren’t stupid, they just had the sense to belong instead. 

But now it’s “You know what? Most people, even “smart” ones, are fuckin’ stupid! And if I really am usually smart, resourceful, etc, then that’s the most terrifying thing imaginable!”

No really. Over my life people have commented about me being smart, resourceful, honest, kind, sweet (geez, really?), insightful, and so many things that sound lovely but have a disturbing element. I assumed I wasn’t being exceptional when these things were said, but only doing whatever was in my nature. If these things are considered notable and praiseworthy in me, does mean most people can’t even meet the low bar I’m easily stepping over?

Put simply, if I am smart, them just HOW stupid are most people? 

And recently it’s gotten to where everywhere I turn I see it. Misinformation and pseudo science, missing the point right in front of them, not seeing or understanding the other, assuming without any facts, all absolutes and rage...

I mean, the human race is facing a pandemic and they still can’t fucking work TOGETHER! That’s the best example of the collective stupidity of the human race since...oh, climate change which we’ve done such a GREAT job in dealing with.

Look, Trumpland obviously is a factor, but even in attempts at escapism I get slammed into it. I almost never to get to go “ YES! That’s it! That’s how I feel/think/live (delete as applicable)!” When I do the fandoms tend to insist I am wrong in my own personal take, not just “well, I see it differently, but cool you do” but “you are WRONG, I will prove my version is canon so you have to stop liking it that way!”. There is no place for me in fandoms either.

Recently I’ve begun to get really irritated and fed up. 

I mean, growing up I used to beg to know “Why can’t they see???” when something was blindingly obvious to me that no one seemed to get. Back then I turned it on myself. How could I get them to see? I’d cry because they would constantly let me know I wasn’t like them. I had several people calling me their best friend despite the fact they didn’t understand me at all. Everybody is different, just some of us are more different. It didn’t make me angry at them, just made me wonder what was wrong with me.

But now I find myself getting angry out of proportion to the trigger. 

Take a this from a few months back. I heard a guy in a podcast, in relation to some movie, saying that if faced with god they would never dare be critical of any horrors of the world because you never disagree with god to it’s face. But he wasn’t just speaking for himself but said no one would. I got angry, really, REALLY angry, because you know what you do when faced with an unjust and cruel god? You fuckin’ spit in their eye! You don’t yield to monsterousness because the monster is powerful, you fight back! You blow up the goddamn death star (repeatedly if necessary)! 

I didn’t get angry because he was saying he was a coward or because he pragmatically would sacrifice morality for survival. I wasn’t even angry because that’s the kind of thinking that lets dicators and bullies hold power. I was angry because he assumed everyone would agree with him and that people like me don’t exist.

I do exist. 

I know my reactions and views are frequently atypical. I know I notice things others don’t. I know my lifestyle is peculiar.  I know I don’t really fit anywhere and never will. My brain is just wired up in a rather strange way.

 I know everything that makes me odd, but I just don’t like having to constantly be reminded.

But right now I am reminded every time I look at or listen to anything. Yes, even posts on Tumblr. 

Frankly, the human race breaks by heart. 

I end up angry, sad, lonely and intensely frustrated. I kinda want to avoid writing in this mood. (Which I obviously just did! LOL)

Sorry I rambled so much. Guess I made up for a lack of posting with this rant! LOL

#mood #writing #belonging #tired #my day #busy #frustrations #I need a nap!

[sufferthesea]

Hi sweetie I have one more ask.. Could you do another one with Genma with a shy reader that's not a ninja that's turning 21 maybe the reader knows one of ninjas from the leaf and they decide to ask their fellow shinobi friends to help celebrate reader Birthday but it's the readers first time meeting everyone else?

So after the disaster that involved me permanently deleting my 1st draft of this story on accident (*sobs*), I wrote this all yesterday, edited it today and now I’m posting it way earlier than I thought! I was going to wait until December since that’s your b-day month, but I didn’t want to keep you waiting! And you’ll notice I made this a prequel to one of your other requests! I hope you like it! 

The Best Birthday Gifts Are A Surprise (aka how many names can I make up for Genma before it’s not funny anymore?) 

Words: 2.542 Pairings: Genma x Reader Also on AO3 Prequel to TheBest First Date Ever - Considering It’s Flu Season (Tumblr) (AO3)

If there was ever atime when you wished to disappear, it was now.

Kurenai,one of your friends, had spent all day with you for your 21stbirthday. She picked you up at your apartment early in the morning(too early for you, but you managed to get enough caffeine in youbefore she arrived so you didn’t look toodead), took you out to breakfast, and then walked you through thevillage to do some window shopping. A little before noon, Kurenaiexcused herself to run into a shop to “pick up a few items” sheneeded. You waited outside for a while before she reappeared with tworather high-end shopping bags on her arms and a happy smile on herface.

“Do you want toget lunch?” she suggested.

“Sure! Where didyou have in mind?”

Kurenai guided youdown the street, the bags swinging on her arms as she took the lead.“There’s a nice little place just up here. I think you’d reallylike it.” Kurenai walked you towards a small building and steeredyou into a casual-looking cafe. The walls were full of large, clearwindows without curtains or blinds, letting in the afternoon sun; thecafe was filled with sleek wooden tables and bright yellowupholstered chairs. It was surprisingly busy and there was already alarge group of people in the cafe, sitting at a row of tables in themiddle of the room that they had pushed together. The tables werelittered with cups and sake bottles, but no food. You tried to edgeaway from the loud group and towards a window seat but Kurenai seemedoddly drawn to the people and she grabbed your shoulder, smiling assweetly as ever.

“Where are yougoing?” she asked.

“O-Over here? Ithought we could sit … uhm, no?”

Kurenai shook herhead and pushed you forward towards the large group. “I think weshould sit over here.”

“But why?”

A few of the peopleat the tables looked over and perked up, waving at Kurenai.

“Oh,”you said, voice thick with dread, “you knowthem.”

“Yes, I do. And Ithink it’s about time I introduced them to you. Don’t you want tomeet my friends?”

“Not really … Imean, no offense!”

Kurenailaughed softly and nudged you forward. “This’ll be good for you.They all want to meet you. And I’m pretty sure there may be one ortwo you’d love tomeet.”

“Right …”

Kurenaistood before the tables and proudly announced your presence to thegroup. Then she went about introducing them all to you - handfuls ofdifferent names you barely had time to remember, one thrown at youright after the other. You realized they were all ninja, and it putyou on edge a little bit; you were the only non-shinobi in the cafeat the moment. Would you even have anything to talk about with them?You knew nothing about weapons or fighting or the politics of keepingthe village safe. Would they like you? Would you even be able tospeak to them? Therewere so many of them … and they were all total strangers. All theireyes on you, watching you, taking you in.

Suddenly in a chorusof a dozen voices, there was a loud cheer (some more enthusiasticthan others, you were pretty sure some only grunted) of, “Happybirthday!”

Yeah, you definitelywanted to disappear.

Turning to Kurenaiin horror, you muttered, “You planned this!”

“Ofcourse I did,” she said, still smiling as she guided you to yourseat between herself and the silver-haired ninja she called Kakashi.“It’s your 21st birthday and I wanted to do something special foryou. Now sit down! We’re going to order you lunch and then we canall get to know each other. I mean, youwill be getting to know them.”

With as muchbetrayal on your face as you could manage, you sat down reluctantlybetween the two ninja and folded your hands in your lap.

“So … what doyou like to do?”

You looked up to seea ninja with shoulder-length hair and a bandanna on his head staringat you. What was his name? Genna? Gamma? He chewed on a long needleand narrowed his eyes at you. Your face flushed red at the attentionand you stammered.

“Uh, th-things.”

“Things?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay. What kindof things?”

You shruggeduncomfortably and pressed into the back of the chair, wishing youcould escape. “Just … things.” Quickly you looked away, afraidof what kind of judgmental gaze he was giving you. Instead you metthe sparkling eyes of the ninja dressed in a green jumpsuit; youremembered his name - Gai. Not like you could ever forget someonelike him. He gave you the brightest smile you’d ever seen in yourlife and a big thumbs up.

“Happy birthday!”he bellowed, but his cry didn’t bring any attention which surprisedyou. He must’ve done stuff like that quite often. “I hope youhave a truly joyous and youthful day! You deserve only the best! Weappreciate you spending this most special time with us! You have awonderful friend in Kurenai!”

“Yeah …” youmuttered, momentarily reconsidering your friendship with thekunoichi.

“How’d you meetKurenai?”

Youturned back to see the same needle-chewing ninja as before, staringat you intently. He leaned his elbows on the table and folded hishands together. Drat, what washis name? Gebbo. Ginkgo.

“Oh! Uh …w-well, I actually hold private dance sessions. She asked if I’d doa few lessons with her students to teach them different moves andstretches that could help them with their, er, ninja training. Youknow, m-many athletes take dance classes!”

“Is that so?”

“Y-Yes.”

He nodded as ifthinking it over and rolled the needle to the other side of hismouth. “So you dance? You any good?”

“I-I think I’mfair. I … make a living teaching other people how to do it. So …yes?”

He nodded again.“Okay, so you dance. That’s something you like to do. Right?We’re making progress. What else do you like to do?”

You looked toKurenai like a child seeking its mother for help but she was busytalking with Asuma - the only other person who you knew at thisparty. Admitting to yourself that you weren’t going to get anyhelp, you turned back to Grab Bag or whatever his name was and rackedyour mind for what you liked to do. “I … like movies.”

“Yeah? Whatmovies?”

Crap. “Uhm … youknow, like … the ones they show in the movie theater here.”

“Huh. Descriptive.Do you read?”

“Mhm.”

He pointed beyondyou, “You read that?”

You looked over toKakashi who was holding a bright orange book and seemed unperturbedat being a reference point. You tried to glance over his arm at thecontent but he seemed to sense you and shifted away. “I … don’tthink so.”

A waiter appearedand you realized you hadn’t even given the slightest glance to themenu. Scrambling to look it over, you frantically tried to choosesomething inexpensive and easy to make.

“It’s yourbirthday,” Kurenai said gently, touching your shoulder, “don’tworry about it, okay? I’m paying for you.”

“You can’t -”

“I can and I willand I’m going to. Just choose what you want. You only turn 21 once.You should enjoy it.”

Through your guilt,you decided on a menu item and ordered alongside the other ninja atyour table. The conversation shifted among the small groups aroundyou, but Goku (Gazebo? Godzilla?) continued to try to get answers outof you. How long have you taught dance? Did you like this cafe? Howoften do you hang out with Kurenai? Do you know any other ninja? Thequestions weren’t too invasive but they came at such a rapid speedyou were having a hard time processing what was happening, but youmanaged to reply nearly as quickly - though you couldn’t quiterecall what you’d said. It was almost like he was trying to sizeyou up to see if you were a suitable addition to their friend group.

Halfway throughlunch, a ninja with a burned face - you remembered him to be Raidou -turned to the ninja with the bandanna and said, “Are you up fortraining later, Genma?”

Youslammed your hand down and shouted, “Genma!” Thatwas his name.

Five people turnedto look at you, including Genma. He quirked one eyebrow and rolledthe needle over his tongue.

“Yeah? What do youneed?”

Was it possible tohave this much blood rushing to your face? You shrunk away and lookedat your plate. “N-Nothing! S-Sorry, I just wanted to say I - I alsolike … music.”

A playful smirkcrossed his face and he looked at Raidou. “Yeah, that’d be fine.”

Feeling foolish, youstuck your fork into your food and mashed it until it wasunrecognizable. Lunch ended, most of the people paid and left with afew parting words of “happy birthday” or “happy 21st” andscattered into the village. Soon it was just you, Raidou, Genma,Kurenai, and Asuma. The atmosphere of the cafe seemed to changeimmediately and Kurenai stood, placing the two bags on the table.

“Here you go,”she said.

“What’s this?”

“It’s yourbirthday present, of course. You didn’t really think I wouldn’tget you one, did you?”

Stuttering out athanks once you realized it was useless to refuse it, you tried tobow but hit your elbow on the table and the dishes clattered againstthe wooden top. Genma and Asuma laughed not unkindly and you coveredyour face in shame. At least you hadn’t faceplanted into yourplate.

“Asuma and I aregoing now. Will you be alright …?” Kurenai’s eyes shifted tothe two men sitting across from you and a knowing look settled on herface.

“I think so …thank you, really! For breakfast and - and lunch … and my gifts! Ireally don’t deserve so much kindness!”

“Youdo,” Asuma said quickly, “and now if youwould be so kind, we have our own date.” He ushered Kurenai out ofthe cafe, leaving you alone with Genma and Raidou.

Raidou cleared histhroat and stood from the table. “I should be going too. I’llmeet you at the training grounds?”

“Mhm,” Genmareplied.

Raidou gave you aquick nod and a soft “happy birthday” before leaving as well. Youclutched your gift bags to your chest and rose suddenly, bumping intothe table again.

“Well I better begoi -”

“Why are you insuch a hurry?” Genma reclined in the chair, arms behind his head,smirk on his lips. “Do you not like me?”

“H-Huh? N-No -”

“No?”

“I mean - no, I …I … d-do?” You weren’t really sure what you were saying anymoreand you weren’t sure if it mattered.

Genma sprang forwardand jumped to his feet, nodding towards the door. “You want to go?”

“Are … Are you …telling me to leave?”

“No, I mean didyou want to take a walk with me?”

“Aren’t youmeeting your friend?”

Genma chewed on theneedle some more and shook his head, walking around the table. “I’llmeet up with him in a bit. But I want to talk to you first.”

“Why?”

“Jeez, you’redifficult aren’t you?”

“I - I don’tmean to be! I’m sorry!”

Genma eyed you for abit and when you decided to look away he pulled the needle out of hismouth and said, “How about dinner?”

“What?” youmumbled, unsure if you heard him clearly.

“Dinner? You andme?”

“R-Right now …?We just had lunch.”

“No - what? Notnow.”

“Later? Today?That’s n-nice of you but I don’t think I can accept anything morefor my birthday.”

Genma’seyebrows pulled together and he stared at you with a serious look ofconfusion. “Not today.”He took a deep breath and said slowly, “I want to take you out todinner - like, a date. How about in two weeks? I’m pretty busyuntil then.”

Youreyes widened in shock and you stared at him in silence, hands shakingand bags trembling against your chest. Was this really happening? Youhad barely said three words to the guy (okay, more than that butrepeating “Mhm” and “Yeah” didn’t really count), and now hewas asking you out? This didn’t seem right. What was his deal? Youweren’t even a ninja, so why would he bother? It’s not like you’dengaged in a rousing conversation during lunch; you merely spat outsingle-word answers to his version of 20 Questions. HadKurenai set this up? You made amental note to passive-aggressively get back at her for this.

Genma must have readthe confusion and apprehension on your face because he quickly said,“You know, you’re really cute when you act shy. And I figured ifI didn’t ask you out, we’d never get anywhere.”

You? Cute? Were youhearing things? The cafe suddenly felt warmer than a sauna and youwere sure you looked like a tomato. You forced yourself to speak, aspainful as it was.

“Y-You want to goon - on a date? With - with me?”

“Yeah. Is thatalright?”

You nodded, movingto cover your face with your hands but hitting yourself in the chinwith your bags instead. “Ow! Uh … y-yeah, that’s f-fine! I mean… it - it’s great.”

“Good. How aboutthis curry shop outside of the village? It’s kind of small andpretty far removed, so there shouldn’t be a lot of people there.You … don’t strike me as the social type.”

You would have beenembarrassed if it wasn’t so true. You bit your lip and slowlylowered your arms to your sides. “That … That sounds w-wonderful.I … I’d r-really l-lo-love to … to do that.”

“Alright.” Genmapopped the needle back into his mouth and smiled. “Two weeks fromtoday. Meet me at the village gates and we’ll walk together to theshop. Does that work?”

“Mhm.”

Genma huffed throughhis nose in a sort of laugh, “It’s a date then. I’ll see you intwo weeks.”

Totallyflabbergasted that you’d been able to make such plans with such acute guy with such few words, you merely nodded and watched him headtowards the cafe exit. When he reached the doors, he turned aroundand gave you another smile. “By the way - happy birthday.” Thenhe left the cafe and strolled down the street.

You collapsed backinto your chair and squeezed the bags in your hands. Had that reallyjust happened? You pinched yourself to make sure - yep, it had. Youcouldn’t believe it, but it was real.

Barelycontaining a squeal, you hurried out of the cafe and back to yourapartment. Your date wasn’t for another two weeks but you had toget home and scour your closet immediately.It’d take you at least fourteen days to decide on the perfectoutfit - and maybe go over a few imaginary conversations in yourhead. Maybe Kurenai making you meet all her friends wasn’t such abad thing after all.

Maybe,just maybe, when you saw her again, you’d thank her.  

#mine 44 #akimi.writes #litkatkim #scenario #naruto #genma shiranui #shiranui genma #genma x reader #reader fic #reader insert #genma shiranui x reader #genma sfw scenario #genma scenario #naruto scenario #organizing is a pain in the butt #but it makes me feel good #in the long run #so organizing i will do