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#obviously if i knew that i wouldnt have accepted it but i was like 13 so
nonnydog · 2 years
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Thats not as bad of a cliffhanger as I thought it would be, actually. Dgm Hallow reflection (+spoilers!) below. Long post!
(I wrote this right after I finished Hallow a week ago but Ive been ditzying it up so its late. May expand kn some points later)
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(That screenshot is technically relevant bc its during Tykis speech which is a super important scene, but also I just. Really like how Hallow portrays Allen. Its all just very very pretty.)
Everything seems to be trying to set up complexity—obviously, thats obvious, agh.
Kanda views the Order as an enemy but works with them for Alma and to make up for awakening Allen/Nea. Tyki speaks to Allen about the duality (trinity?) of possessing innocence and being an exorcist and being a noah and being hunted by Apocryphos (who is innocence) and etcetcetcetc. Allen himself feels it, as he is confined and beat by the Order. An akuma lives (remains unsaved as well) because Link, representing the Order, confines him. His “Noahness” provokes his home, while his “Exorcistness” prevents him from allying with the Noah.
[is Link actually dead?]
A point I find interesting is that Allen wouldve probably went with Apocryphos if he hadnt killed Cross. He talks about how he can seperate Allen and 14, something which Allen definitely wants at that point because it would solve all his problems. When they first meet, Allen only hits Apocryphos and saves him from Tyki because he saw the memory of him murdering Cross.
[is Cross actually dead?]
The Alma Karma and Kanda arc SLAPPED. I read it several years ago, but…its just very well done. Tragic. I love it.
[Kandas not dead! Yo]
[Ill stop now.]
I actually really like Tykis speech to Allen and Allens choice to leave everything behind to figure out what the fuck he wants and what he is, on his own. Its… weirdly fitting. I wouldnt have thought of it, but I cannot think of a better direction for this story to go.
Its almost coming-of-age-esq. Everything is against Allen right now, even his own head. Im really excited to continue the manga from where Hallow left off. I know its still ongoing (and I dont have the money to buy more than a few volumes right now), but I heard Hallow ends at around vol22-23. Theres currently 27 volumes, I think. I really like this story and where its going.
Im sad at how little Lavi was in Hallow. He probably wouldve taken up too much time—they only had 13 episodes and it was mainly focused on Kanda and Allen (which I love!).
I also wanted more. Nea. Noah. Mana. I want to know all of the things about them. Allen was just about to speak with Nea, just try to understand him and talk a little, when Apocryphos came in and interrupted. Maybe we get a scene like that in the manga… though, its also difficult to tell. Nea is trying to possess Allen, he may not want to “chat.” I just want to know more about them.
Id like to talk a bit about Nea, Mana, Allen, Cross, and the Earl now… theyre a complicated bunch.
From what Ive heard online and from the 2006 anime+Hallow, heres what Ive figured out:
Cross knew Nea and Mana before Nea died. Nea died 20yrs before Allen was born. Mana and Nea are brothers (twin?), though I think Nea was the older one(?).
Mana went a bit bonkers after Nea died. Cross says he may have not even really remembered everything while he was raising Allen.
Allen is conflicted about Mana. Hes unsure if Mana loved “Allen” because he would be Nea or because he was Allen. (Points to dream where Allen is following Mana who keeps calling him the wrong name.)
Cross promised Nea he would look after Mana because Nea would rewaken near Mana eventually.
Nea is 14 and hes attempting to take over Allens mind. He wants to destroy the Earl and take over as the Earl (or at least thats what he told Earl).
The Earl, despite being the one to kill Nea when he betrayed him, still loves Nea very much. He desperately wants Nea back at his side. The other Noah, notably Sheril, are… uncomfortable with accepting the traitor.
Now, lets get into more sussy territory.
Mana is the Earl. Big “maybe.” They both wear top hats is my main evidence lol. Also Ive heard some things about it online.
Other notable things I saw in Hallow:
Allen was a little shit before Mana died. Cross notes this in the last episode of Hallow and we see some of it firsthand in earlier eps. Apparently, he adopted a lot of Manas traits (politeness and formal speech, notably) to deal with his grief.
Cross has dad energy for Allen. You cant take care of a child for that long and that intensely without some paternal instinct kicking in.
Similarly, Allen definitely felt some affection for Cross. Though their relationship is often joked as being terrible (and it certainly wasnt good, especially considering that Cross took in Allen so he could foster 14), Allen is hella pissed at Apocryphos for killing Cross.
The name thing—Cross says before Apocryphos kills him, something along the lines of “He didnt tell me his name was Allen when I met him.” Was this meant to imply his observation of Mana, or that Allen was never really Allen? Sighs.
Also, the whole Walker thing. Just very sweet in general.
Interesting that Tyki is the one to give Allen the “come to jesus” speech. Tyki is established to be a Noah who still really values and holds onto whats left of his human life, so he (to some extent) can sympathize with Allen more than other Noah. He tells Allen to leave every side and figure shit out himself, something which doesn’t immediately benefit Tyki, but will benefit Allen.
Theres an overwhelming sense of resisting/being uncomfortable with ones life being on a predetermined path. This is an fitting theme to introduce in a story that focuses heavily on religious aspects. God in dgm and hallow is an… odd figure.
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Season 3 notes popping off
due to my desire to not completely fail all my classes this year i made myself slow down significantly while listening to this season, and the fact that the other person i'm listening along with had to catch up. We've managed to convert several other people to start listening and its pretty great.
ep 81: what does it even mean to be chosen by one of them? And if he was chosen by the eye. we know Gertrude wasnt? Because she cut the eyes out of the magazines?
ep 82: elias lmao. I understand why people like him so much bahshdhdk i thought he was gonna snitch on Jon but he didnt so he's fine. Ok but how do we think he knew all that stuff. Idk probably just institute connections. I love the fact that the recorder just wants to record stuff randomly bjahsjdhd. Elias feels a lot like Michael in the sense that he knows more than he should and talks in a way that implies he just wants to wait and see how things play out for his own benefit. I understand him knowing the things that happened but his description of her emotions implies something paranormal. Maybe he's connected to one of the entities. Which one I cannot guess.
ep 83: did a file get delivered randomly to the place he's staying at? Probably elias lmao. He thinks the mannequin is related to the stranger. Idk I would believe it.
ep 84: worms? I know he says earth worms but idk. Again? Is she making gordon golems out of trash? Martin popping off. You can tell the statements get to him more that they get to Jon. How come martin is so mad about it? I want to assume he just doesnt want her to get stuck there but idk. Jude Perry. The calliope organ. Jon heard a circus in one of the last episodes
ep 89: he's talking to perry? Like jude Perry? He says ... God? Is that what it is? Lmao. The Desolation. Jon is tired of ppl being vague and not telling him stuff lmao. Oh God Jon is so confused. Compel her? Is she assuming he has some kind of power? Does he have powers? Hmm. im agreeing with jon here please jesus christ why does everyone have to be so cryptic. Just say what you mean. "maybe you get an itchy eye" bahasjkdfklsjdf girl what. Agnes saved her? Oh this is the girl from the cafe story? So theres the Cult of the Lightless Flame? They worship whatever entity this is? The Desolation? Why do they all seem like they sorta worship her then? Is Gretchen gonna die oh god. fuckin michael. a different michael aaah. i see. dont do it shes gonna burn you. sir. please. sir dont you dare do- WHAT DID I SAY what did you think was gonna happen hhh.
ep 90: try to make it less obvious you're trying to get fired big T. Elias that doesnt sound like the most healthy thing to do. oh dear is this gonna be triggering for me. uuuuuh. uuuuuuuuuh. doesnt seem like it ok gonna keep listening. Jared. hmmmmm. Ok we've seen Keay and hotner or whatever his name was.
ep 91: Michael Crew. Oh is this the lightning scar guy. Mister jon sir did you just die. No? God everyone is so fuckin cryptic. Say normal things please. They all just like to go on about pain and agony and j e s u s c h r i s t we get it you got hurted by whatever thing. So theyre avatars? question mark? Jude Perry is an avatar of The Desolation? hhhh fractals. thats a spiral thing innit. Yup. messing with your perceptions. God they all talk about feeding their god and feeding that which feeds them and. hh what does that meann. Leave big J. please. uh oh. is it daisy? how come he has the web lighter still? the tape recorder just turns on sometimes you know how it is. So he can compel people? not that he knows it obviously but. a bit wack. powers go brr i guess? If the eye just wants knowledge i guess he feeds it by getting the statements? b/c i doubt it wants him to murder ppl or whatever.
ep 92: elias you all knowing fuck what do you know. (i guess all given what i just said) Lukas. Heard of them before. Mordecai Lukas. Loneliness. The lonely even. Jonah Magnus. Elias ur sounding like a bit of a dickhead rn. lmao jon's just like "i dont care" elias what is ur deal. Why does he want to tie her in. ohh i see. lmao theyre all just like "elias why" The Unknowing lol seems very much like something the eye wouldnt like. lol elias is gettin all philosophical. what does it really mean to be human. this still doesnt answer why gertrude wanted to destroy the archives tho.
ep 93: bahsjdfh he seems so dead inside rip. awww admiral. i love him already. ghh breacon and hope. purple mold. doesnt sound like anything we've seen so far. I think the funniest explanation for breacon and hope is that they dont actually serve the stranger they just kinda happen to be a random neutral party that cart around random spooky entity related stuff. ooooh. when we hear the slight static of the tape recorder it's cuz he's compelling ppl.
ep 94: the end! listen man they were all just grayed up for 4/13.
ep 95: the end also? death but also savagery/ animalistic shit. aww martin. lmao becerra. she's just been chillin in the corner.
ep 96: return to sender. haha minecraft go brr. prediction: breacon and hope? yup there we go. jon why is there an echo. are you in a stairwell? is he gonna eat it- yup. how did i call it. unsure abt what theyre talking about but ok. they kidnapped someone? Sarah Baldwin. ooooh that guy.
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ok im just putting this here so i have notes for when nicholas gets to this part. It seems like (from jon's conversation with jude perry) that the desolation and the eye are kinda at odds with eachother? like i guess not directly but it seems like they dont really vibe? so how could be with both. Cuz if he has the heat powers and shit then we know he's an avatar of the desolation. but then why does he have so much eye imagery. also he got burned intentionally? like jude did when she went on her monologue about the feeling of burning? but then why did he wear the eye pendant. it stops him from being burned all the way which seems like he's not fully accepting the fire or whatever.
Nooooo I lost like a bunch of my notes rip. I keep forgetting to save.
Ep 104: tim gives a coherent statement without jon even being there. Ugh. Fucking robert smirk. Dont like him. Joey. Dont recognize the name. The show must go on. Clown. The spooky circus?
ep 105: total war... shogun 2? jon is just understanding languages again. "if i understood mandarin or cantonese" are you sure you dont big man?
ep 106: havent we heard this one already? mans in space? oh no this is just another episode in space. fairchild... uuuh. cant remember. oh! this is related to that! this is one of the ppl from the other side. sounds like a Vast thing. oh he's the one that the dude saw? but that guy didnt have a face... she's sorta like jon. wanting to dismiss the statements. lmao i love the workplace gossip. ace jon for the win! oh cmon elias dont be a dick. sunny meadows or whatever. thats the place we heard about.
ep 107: oh great is it jude perry again. Third Degree. bahahsdkfj she was arrested. sorry but imagining this old british lady getting arrested is funny. she was trying to resurrect him. using the skin book. he's not feeling well. jon take a nap. i wonder if this is what happens when he uses his powers too much. He gets into The Zone when he reads statements lol. didn't we have a burning train car in anothre statement? is it julia fairchild? bahahahs "kidnapped. Again." poor jon honestly. julia... about her dad. daughter of the murder shed guy? hunting like your dad liked to hunt or normal people hunting. oh hunting vampires!
ep 108: melanie has been suffering. poor martin peter lukas why do you have to be like this. can he not just use the front door? does he have to bother the ppl doing statements?
ep 109: how come he cut her off? kinda rude tbh. its either jon's influence or there was smth he didnt want her saying. is it gerard on the table? this sounds kinda like smth from one of the university episodes. is it the closed eye on the hand? yup. he's like one of the students! if the thing listening in is elias then... he can do that without the tape recorder yknow. plus who's to say it wont just turn itself on again
110: who wants to bet its a leitner?
111: Lukas related to The Lonely. I used to not like Gerard that much but i like him more now. but i thought there were 15? ohhh thats right isnt flesh newer? gerry for the win honestly. finally telling jon things.
112: lol "again" no one ever tells any of these ppl anything. tim and basira are just out of the loop constantly. music, like the war episodes. The hunt or the slaughter? probably the hunt. so Daisy is related to the hunt right? basira likes the reading, she's doing fine at the institute. daisy's getting worried...
113: it just turned on randomly. what is it lol. explossives! oh boy. why do they always assume he turned it on intentionally. melanie youre not making me like you that much. which entity is this about i cant tell. lol he was disappointed it was just the end. The title Breathing Room made me think it was gonna be about the buried but i guess not. So many of these entities deal with death but the end is one that deals in just death. it has no need for fancy deaths, just death is enough
114: more hilltop road statements? the tree. oh boy. ok the tree has 8 arms obviously theres the spider parallels. was she taken into an alternate universe? oh no. jon tries to phrase things so he's not asking questions. thats honestly good. "sometimes i was kidnapped" oh dear. they got gertrude. daisy ur so odd lmao. who wants to bet they dont know the tape recorder's running?
115: silaca? or whatever? antique man? meat grinder... related to the meat is meat episode? oh wow. they buy antiques from him. maybe dont antagonize this creature which can kill you?
116: lol theyre all just so done with elias. music? is it like the one band that if you hear them you die or wtvr. oh its chess? i am very much confused. mmm stranger go brr. gorilla skin? oh shit the dance. woah. this is so good. this is so gender. the words are wonderful. "you can just say tim" lmao trying to fool elias never feels like a good idea.
117: except elias lmaoo. oh shit. leitner getting some use for once idk. bruuh poor melanie she has been thru so much shit. martin you can just say youre worried about jon. lol he's so accurate in his jon impression. lol who was that. was that daisy? lmaoo. oop hi tim. oh god i hope tim doesnt die. i feel like i wouldve heard about that? but im not sure. destroying the source of knowledge is gonna be hard for jon. yay jon! you did a good thing. let him rest.
118: go off martin lmao. awww poor martin. oh god the tape gets that squealy quality and its awful.
119: woah. lots of things happening. uhh. POP OFF TIM!!
120: lmao elias giving a statement about jon's dreams lol. damn jon doesnt even get his own dreams? has to stay Watching even when he's asleep? f in the chat this man goes thru so much shit. oh boy its peter. lol martin my beloved. idk i dont trust peter.
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rantsandeepthoughts · 3 years
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Being taken advantage of
Being taken advantage of - comes in many different forms.
I won't list all of them, I just wanted to list the one that is making me so so furious right now.
Since childhood, I've had to become responsible. It all began with my parents having more children than they can afford, more children than they can manage. So I became a parent before I even turned 10.
It all begins quite minor enough. Help with this, help with that, always always having to help. And always having to help myself. Because no one would help me. Not really. And it all starts small.
It builds up to a point that by the time I turned 13, the basic chores like laundry and especially ironing were all on me. No wait... I did all the ironing at 10 years old. I can't remember when exactly the rest all started. When exactly it all began loading up onto my shoulders. But they did.
I remember being depressed when I was 14, trying to fit in with friends at school, but never being able to because of the tyrannical rules. I had to lie, and lie a lot I did, just so I could be normal, and spend some time with my friends after school.
Throughout, the loading of responsibilities, chores, errands and what not gradually built up.
By the time I was 17, I was fully self-dependent. I worked for my own lunch money, my fees were covered by organizations, obviously, financial assistance schemes were a breeze to get with only 1 income from my father and way too many children to divide it by.
I'm missing the whole point.
The whole point of which. Responsibility has more or less been ingrained in me. Some things you learn the hard way, and this is one of them. It's been ingrained through sheer pressure, fear and force that now - that I'm much much older and very much an adult. I cannot switch this off.
Obeying orders and simply taking responsibility and taking ownership of various tasks that I know needs to be done because I have foresight and initiative - both of which I had to learn the hard way, for when I was a child, when I lacked initiative or such things, I would be punished and screamed at harshly. Abuse not just verbally, but many times also physically, psychologically. everything.
You learn to avoid being hurt. You learn to predict, you learn to do before being told, you learn all the little things, all the ticks, all the nuances. In all that, you gain initiative too. But you also gain the inability to say 'no'.
You gain the inability to stand up for yourself. You lack confidence and self-esteem despite being able to perform well and beyond, because, when you've done well in the past it was never enough. Because perfection was the only thing accepted. And there was no way you could be perfect.
Even now, there's no way a person could be perfect. and yet, Perfection is what has always been demanded.
So if you do a task, and you were scored 80/100. It would still feel like I failed.
I digressed again.
Responsibility. Some years back, being taken advantage of was something that always happened to me. And I did not even realise it. My parents throughly took advantage of my maturity, wisdom and high level of responsibility and raised their expectations to a ridiculous degree. I became the parent to my siblings. I became the go-between, messenger, peace-keeper between my parents. I became the errand girl for all the tasks and errands for my relatives because my mother offered me - she volunteered me - without my consult. Because I was never allowed to say 'no', and I never learned how to.
I fell into depression again. Oh mind you, me, depressed, I still had to get up and work and do all the shit. I was just a zombie on auto-pilot, eternally exhausted, and nothing made me happy. I was depressed. Maybe a bit suicidal - but that's another pandoras box to unpackage.
Not that anyone cared I was depressed. They likely never noticed. Because I was always the "Good and Quiet" one who knew how to be "completely obedient".
So all those years, more than a decade, two decades I suppose... or more. I was completely taken advantage of. And I did not even know it.
I was just miserable. so so miserable, I wished I never woke up. I wondered, If i fell of from a high floor, maybe I'd suddenly discover I could fly, develop a super power, to save myself. I wondered if maybe a superhero would come and save me.
I developed certain unhealthy addictions to cope. Addictions that I still struggle with today, though I'm glad they're not as bad as they were.
and most importantly, I feel.
I somehow, managed, to save myself.
I thank my friend, who urged and encouraged me to further my studies. (I had stopped the moment I had the lowest possible certificate to work, and worked). So I decided, I had to go, study further. Like what all my friends had already done. All of them, didn't have to worry about money. I did.
I worked for years. I lived like a pauper, while paying for all the things for the household that my parents couldnt or wouldnt because well (they're horrible examples of adults. let alone 'parents') saved up. and I decided to study Psychology. Of course, nobody understood why I wanted to. Even I myself, did not quite understand why I wanted to.
To understand - was definitely a driving factor. Just, to understand. What exactly I didn't know. But I knew, somewhere in my mind, that all this wasn't right.
Studying Psychology, saved me. Having access to the free psych clinic on campus saved me more. (I thank my course mate, who told me about it, and encouraged me to go for counseling as she was going to.)
I learned so much. Invaluable. Priceless. Lessons that would help me, lifelong.
I also learned that, I was being taken advantage of. Amongst many other things. I learned that I could say 'no'. Actually saying 'no' took years of practice. But I'm more able to say 'no' now, than I was when this self-awareness journey started.
So now. When I am being taken advantage of - yes, it still happens. One simply does not so simply escape 3 decades++ of abuse and malicious conditioning just like that -snapsnap-. It takes a long time.
However long you were abused and hurt, that is however long you need to heal. This is what I tell myself, because I will be kind to myself, and not stress over the fact that healing is taking a long time.
There are various other factors like the whole financial shit show.
So now.
NOW. when I get taken advantage of. I come here and rant. because I'm angry. I'm angry that this sense of 'take it upon myself' is so ingrained, I still do it like on auto-pilot, and I only realise belatedly that 'hey, why am I doing this? that person should be the one doing it!' - but it's belated so yeah. I get angry. I get angry at everything and everyone, then i get angry at myself, then i get angry at the monster and demons that caused this conditioning in my mind to happen. Then I reel back and breathe, and understand that just stewing in anger isn't healthy for me. I understand that I need an outlet.
I come here and rant, because, friends cannot always be your outlet. There is only so much you can rant and pour out to your friends before they too cannot take it anymore.
So I come here. On anonymous platforms where I am safe. Where I can say whatever I want to say, with no repercussions, as no one knows who I am. (A hacker could find out my email but heh. whatever).
I come here, and I let the anger, and the sadness, and the self-pity, and the words all come out. here.
There it is. It's all out now. I can breathe a bit more easy.
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missjackil · 5 years
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SPN Did Something Pretty Amazing
One thing I have always liked about Supenatural, is that theyre willing to try things no other shows have done. Most of the time it works, sometimes it doesnt, but theyre not affraid to think outside the box. Things like having a cross-over with Scooby Doo, or episodes like The French Mistake, or Fan Fiction, are great, though theyre doable only because of the premise of the show. In the supernatural world, nothing is impossible. The heros die and come back a lot, old characters come back in various ways, in dreams, time travel, or even as the same character, and this is ok because again, in the supernatural world nothing is impossible. However, this newest amazing thing, at its core, didnt come to pass because of supenatural influence, but because of human actions, and viewer acceptance.  Two brothers and their Angel buddy, adopt an adult orphan son.  Think about that. What show has ever done such a thing? None. In similar cases, like 3 Men and a Baby, Full House, Two and a half Men, there is one defined Father, and then the other men are uncles or support for the one father. But not on SPN, all 3 have been defined as this kid’s father, even though none of them are biologically his father. Even before Luficer died, we saw this beginning. And even stranger still, there were always strong efforts to keep Jack away from his biological father, which is also not a common practice. When dealing with an older child, theres always a “let them chose” clause. But thats never really been the case on SPN, it was always “Keep Lucifer away from this kid” and justifiably so, I might add, but its still strange for TV isnt it? Yet, somehow this all worked. Now, this isnt a debate on who deserves to be Jacks main father, which would obviously be Sam but to just talk about how the show managed to make this happen and be completely accepted by the viewers. 
I work with several SPN fans, though Im the only one who wouldnt really be considered a casual viewer, meaning Im the only obssessed one LOL but the others arent involved in SPN SM on tumblr or twitter, they dont go to conventions and none of them are into shipping. (thats right, it seems most casual viewers dont ship the characters) yet all of them think its cool that Sam, Dean and Cas are Jack’s fathers, none of them think its creepy, incestuous, or gay. One did joke that it sounded like the synopsis of a very bad porno, (2 brothers, and their buddy take in a young adult orphan as their own) but then said that its a very cool concept.  What I think made it work, is everything thats gone down in the last 13 years. I dont care if youre a wincest shipper or not, but theres no closer relationship on the show than Sam and Dean. We know now they are “stuck” with each other, they wont be finding a significant other and building their own family, and even in the end, they’ll be together. Be it on Earth, in Heaven, Hell or the Empty. Also, they have no closer companion than Cas. Whether or not you like the character, canonically, Cas is their best friend that they love as a brother.  Since the show revolves around family dynamics, good ones and bad ones, we’ve seen Sam and Dean in every position. As brothers, sons, cousins, friends, and even as husbands breifly to Lisa and Amelia. we never really got to see them as fathers. The show could have remedied this by having one of their ex girlfriends show up with a kid “Surprize!!” but Im glad they didnt. This would automatically put one brother in the position of Dad, and the other as Uncle and Cas is just that buddy in the trench coat. The way it was done, put all 3 men in a fatherly position that developed over different time lines and circumstances.  Im going to try to break this down in an unbias manner. We can all feel free to disagree with the outcome, but its how the show itself unfolded this little highly unorthodox family. Cas was the one appointed to be Jack’s father. Kelly gave this duty to him when she decided to allow herself to die to let her son be born, and Cas accepted. So it looked as though Cas would be this boy’s father, but as it was, Cas was dead when Jack was born.  Sam came to the plate next. His relationship developed organically with Jack. Some may not have seen it coming, but Sam was determined long before Jack was born, to NOT kill him, but to try to let him be born without the worry that he would be evil. When it was apparent they couldnt take his grace and make him human, Sam knew it didnt mean Jack HAD to be evil. Sam took the role as mentor right away. Caring for Jack and having genuine compassion for him. We were given the hint Sam felt fatherly when they showed him reading a parenting book. (my god that was the cutest thing) So the writers flipped the script and gave Sam a head start in the father field. Also, with Sam being first, it added this layer of beauty, because Sam fell in paternal love with the son of his torturer. He wasnt enlisted, or pushed, it just happened, and thats beautiful. Dean came last, and as a story teller, I can see why they chose this route. It had been established since S1 that Dean is good with kids and naturally paternal. To have him be the first “father” would leave Cas and Sam on unlevel ground through lack of experience. For Dean to follow up second from Cas, would make it too shippy, and Sam would probably never make it out from under the  “uncle” title. and wouldnt we always wonder if Sam held a little resentment inside? Jack being the son of Lucifer for starters, and Dean taking him in as a son? Over the seasons, Sam has made it very clear, he never wants to be #2 in Dean’s eyes, and this could bring around some bad brother drama.  Dean starts off hating Jack. Indeed he was way too nasty to him in the beginning. Not even gonna debate that, but for Sam, Dean gives the kid a shot. He discovers that yes, Jack is a good kid and now Deans natural paternal side clicks on. And keep in mind he didnt try to step onSam and take over. Yes they showed Dean and Jack bonding more than they did Sam, but he didnt take over. He made sure taking Jack out was ok with Sam, so did Cas. They both respected that Sam has been Jacks primary care giver since day 1, and Sam isnt selfish or possessive (over anyone/anything else besides Dean) so Sam is happy to share Jack so he can have as much positive influence as he can.  So I give TPTB credit for coming up with this formula, my only complaint being that they didnt need to make Dean as hateful as he was, they could have just made him hessitant and standoffish at first and that would have been enough but it is what it is, and that part is over thank Chuck. Now, most of us knew the “3 dads” thing was coming because the cast talked about it a lot, but those of us who dont follow the cons and interviews, still were pleasently surprised that this came about. I havent heard anyone complain that its creepy, even though if you tell someone whos never seen the show “On my show, the 2 brothers and their friend adopted an 18 yr old kid” they’d look at you funny.  We complain about the writers all the time because they do screw up a lot, but I like to give them credit when I can. This is one of those situations. They made something that seems creepy on the outside, not only acceptable, but wonderful, simply by how it was written. I feel the same way about how they handled the return of Mary. It didnt pan out as well as it could have, and thats really a whole other meta, but Im glad they didnt take an easy route with her making her a zombie, or Super Mom and put her in a really human position of a mother meeting her adult sons for the first time, but Ill save that for another post :)
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ithisatanytime · 3 years
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To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.
    she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but  heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the  day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell)  i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.
  part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil  asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.
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bloomvroom · 3 years
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vent poetry
anger issue stuff/vindictive fantasies due to cptsd regarding abuser
trigger warning for violence & gore I guess _ Youve been hanging around for a while now, its been some years since you raped me Its been some years since you begged me not to leave you since you asked me “Do you really want to throw all we are away over this?” right in the same day that you raped me
And I hoped id never see your face again after I cut you out of my life and I tried to heal but you wouldnt leave me alone Dragged you inside my mind to school cuz you stalked me outside my house always in presence, moved on my fucking street and you dont like letting go of me And you tore into my family, but yknow they already hated me cuz they didnt wanna believe my dad sexually abused me they already desperately wanted to call me a liar for sure, all to keep their blissfull facade of things being all fine, they just couldnt bring it over themselves to call a 13 year old little girl a liar right back when I cut my dad out of my life too cuz he tried to fucking rape me that one weekend in his new flat after mom left him Yeah youve been the chance they waited for, if it happened more than once, surely the girl is fucking lying right? You gave them the push they needed so they finally could set themselves free from pretending like they give a damn, so they called 16 year old me a liar, oh and you told them you raped me on accident, oh but like theyd have prefered it if you had that left part out but they made do with what you gave, I did some sorta roleplays with you, so you couldnt differniate, right? Doesnt matter that they never asked for my version of the events, or that you raped me out of nowhere, no sexual activity prior to it at all, no roleplay, nothing at all, they took it from there and came up with more excuses to explain away how obviously traumatized I am, my aunts husband said my mom didnt stop me from watching violent manga porn in my childhood and thats why im so fucked up now, I have no fucking clue where he got that from, for sure, but its quite of concerning that he knew I saw that sort of media in my childhood, but for real, my dad was the one actively telling me to go look up this sort of porn, after hes been showing me lolicon anime cuz he tried to groom me with it, after he instructed me to masturbate to hentai cuz he liked watching me, ah but whatever, they dont care abt that, do they?
Cuz they only care about the way youve came into their life and gave them the blessing of finally getting to call me a liar out loud, oh youve given them what they wanted, youre so buddy buddy now, and they never wanted to question how fucking creepy it is for a guy to actively befriend the family of a girl that has claimed shes been raped by the guy, how fucking weird it is that this girl went to a lawyer to get help cuz the guys been stalking her, and how they might be part of that stalking too, oh but why would ever question anything? anyhow? why would they?
They even let you move in with them, yeah why would the guy that shes accused of having raped her and stalking her wanna move in with her family after shes refused any sort of contact with him no matter how much he pushed for it? What kind of guy would do this knowing its gonna hurt her? its gonna devastate her? Yeah, what sort of powerhungry guy would - hey what again is rape most of the time motivated by? A hunger for power? A thirst for control? Mh, I wonder - I wonder how long you can hold your breath wasting your life creeping on me, over your inability to get over that I had the audacity to leave your ass after you raped me, thinking that id just move on and not leave u for it, oh for someone that obsessed about me for such a long time its like you barely even knew me,
And I know I should feel like crying when I think of it but all I feel is the shivering in my arms and legs from the adrenaline, and the waves of rage and violent urges that wash over me when I remember what the world let you get away with, when I remember my pathetic family and their farce when I remember how much of a dissapointment youve turned out to be, You should have really known so much fucking better than that, your own mother liked to get to close to you for comfort in your own childhood, you know what it feels like to be preyed on, yet you continued the cycle of abuse its pathetic, cuz I trusted you so much, trusted you in a world where barely anybody understands what its like if a parent sexually abuses you as a child, and you knew what its like, cuz it happened to you too, I trusted you to want to be better than that, I trusted that you wanted to heal and recover just like me, but boy was I wrong
You acted out on me, got triggered for sure, but you cant heal from what you refuse to see yourself as victimized of, you never liked accepting that what your mom did to you is really that bad, you held me so tightly and told me youd never let me go now that you know that I wont judge you for what youve been through, you cried in my arms that day, when we still were a couple, and you said somewhere you know what your mom did really counted as sexual abuse but you just cant let go of the illusion that she loves you, cant let go of the illusion that it wasnt even that bad, that it didnt count cuz only women can get victimized but that it feels so good to finally get to feel vulnerable, and youd never let go of me, and you do everything to make sure what happened to me never repeats
few months later you raped me’ and now youre crying out loud for gods sake just leave me the fuck alone, I cant cope with the amount of urges to murder you I get, but sadly enough I know thats sorta what youre getting at here, I know deep inside you just hope I snap and kill you cuz you cant get what you did out of you, cant get what she did to you out of you and now youre turning it around on me, and you hate me so vehemently hate me for leaving you, hate me for having been kind to you before, yeah, hate me cuz you cant have me, hate me cause you hate yourself, hate me cause youd like to end your miserable life cuz you know you cant take back what you did, well ive no sympathy for you You can beg, and you can threaten and all I do is fantasize about gutting you like a fish, I wanna cut the skin on your back open and unfold it so you can be the angel youve always wanted to be, I wanna stitch that lying mouth of yours shut, I wanna break all your fingers so you regret having ever touched me with them in those ways, I want to step on your body as its bleeding out, I wanna crush your bones with heavy shoes, I wanna hear you break like you tried to break me that day, I wanna stuff your throat full of white feathers so you can know what it felt like to be called “purity in person” too, try coughing up how you really feel, Id like to see you try, put you on a pedastal like you put me with a noose round your neck so you can know how graceful this fall is’
Purity isnt something you can steal, you shouldnt have tried to from me, Purity is something thats not as real as people pretend it is, the childhood innocence you miss, you should admit to why you feel that way, but im out of patience to give advice, youll only obsess over, like you used to, Im saying it now, the only fantasies ive got with you anymore are those in which I torture and kill you for every day you overstayed, for every day you sabotaged me and my life, when you came into my life, and when you left me bruised and more broken than ive ever been before, sabotaged the way I tried to go to school and graduate, stalking me like you did, I tried my best to succeed in life even as you kept trying to drag me down, I kept going anyway, and I did good in my own way, I kept going slower, slower, slower, but I still went my way you could slow me down, but you could never get me to stop never get me to give up, This is one hell of a sick game youve been playing with me, why cant you just accept it? You raped me and theres no second chance after that, You can deny it, try to act like you didnt, but I know you hate yourself for it, dont make it my issue, it makes me so sick when you think I could ever feel anything more for you at this point, more than the urge to grab a knife and slice your throat just to finally put an end to this, an end to this you and me havent been a thing since we’ve been sixteen, but you feel me with such violent shine when my mind goes dark cuz youve been trying to trap me in my own room full of fear cuz you keep reminding me of the way you raped me, oh and I feel like a tiger in a cage, like a tiger in a cage and im about to rip you open with my teeth, But theyd never understand the amount of damage youve dealt to me, would they? Id be the “bad one” So why dont you do me a favour and just kill yourself? You keep clinging to a possible future you had envisioned with me, but I never agreed to that, I always told you if you do something that hurts me, ill leave ya’ and you didnt even think id really do it, I promised you to stay with you for life unless you do something thatll hurt me real bad, you promised you never would, looks like you broke our promise and yet your the one crying out loud feeling the need to make me feel just how angry you are cuz I had the audacity not to stay in an relationship with my rapist
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rosekun25 · 7 years
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Fourteen Reasons why.
 April 9th, 2017
Dear Tumblr Diary, 
I’m watching “Thirteen Reasons Why.” 
I haven’t read the books since middle school. But my cousin from my Dad’s side of the family sent me the book I think a year ago.  Life always has a way of foreshadowing. I swear it does.
Anyway I’m reading the book too, putting off getting my food handler’s card because fuck that shit. 
Anyway Im watching this and its kind of triggering. I havent watched the part where she kills herself but I imagine I’ve seen worse. 
There’s a video I’ve seen Here’s a link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_PdYb0EL-Y
Anyway so far that part has hit me the most. 
I mean, It has. After I got out of the hospital nobody asked me if I was okay. I had to lie. I lied about everything so I wouldnt get sent away longer than they needed me to be away. 
I lied and said It was because I missed my great grandma instead of telling them it was because my world had shattered and nobody could hurt me anymore. 
I lied about the pills. I took 96. Well thats now many were in the bottle. I told them I didnt know how many I’d taken. I just lied lied lied lied lied. I didnt tell anybody why I did it. 
aTLEAST Until they couldnt send me away anymore. 
So here are fourteen reasons why I wanted to kill myself 
14. I felt like I’d do it sooner or later. 
I mean it was really weird. I’ve had depression for most of my earlier childhood. I remember not thinking I’d make it to 20. But here I am. I remember wanting to get married and have children but I didn’t actually think I would live long enough to actually do it. I mean I didn’t think I’d finish High School. 
13. I wasn’t beautiful. 
At least I didn’t think I was. I thought pretty girls were 100 pounds, blonde and didn’t have to worry about anything except which husband they wanted.  I guess I was sort of insecure. But not in the sense that I thought I was ugly. Just in the sense that I wasnt  beautiful. 
12. I was starving myself.
Well I don’t really remember this part. I just remember I was really really hungry. The doctors there said I hadn’t eaten for a month. But Im not sure that’s accurate. I mean I must have eaten at some point. I remember I drank tea.  But anyway. I guess i was displaying “Anorexic tenancies” or whatever I was half asleep I didn’t listen.
11. I wanted to die. (duh)
But it wasn’t in the sense of me actually wanting to die.  I mean when you’re young you learn about the circle of life, you watch ‘Lion King.’ Mufasa dies and you learn you wont be around for ever. I guess I just ’ wanted to hurry up and do what I was supposed to. 
10. At the time, my life sucked dick. 
I remember it. I was horribly depressed and doing my best to hide it. I remember I wanted nothing more than to just be held like a baby and told everything was going to be alright. But it wasn’t. There was a point in my life where I kept everything to myself. Everything. Even stupid shit like “Where do you want to eat?” or “Are you hungry?”. I just felt like I had to. Keep everyone safe, dont let anybody know you’re suffering sort of thing. 
Anyway my life sucked dick, because I was always hungry never sleeping and I was overworked. I also was verbally abused at my job. To the point where I would want to cry whenever I walked in the store. But more on that some other time. 
I also hated T or  C. If Im going back there. Im going back in a body bag. 
My Home life also sucked dick. I remember not having hotwater in the bathroom. I remember being cold every night because they refused to pay more money to turn up the thermostat. If I wasnt cold. I was so Hot. There were ants everywhere. On my clothes. In the kitchen. EVERYWHERE. I wasnt allowed to leave my house either. I couldnt just get up and go I wasnt allowed to leave except for school and work. I couldnt leave and it drove me fucking mad.  I didnt have much food to eat, If there was food it was all gobbled up by my fat ass Grandfather who liked to steal my things. I still dont know what he did with most of it. The dryer didnt work either so I’d have to go to school in wet clothes that were freezing. I hated it. Oh and not to mention every morning I’d wake up to screaming. Always screaming. Nobody could ever say “Good Morning Rose, you’ve to wake up now.” No. They were too busy screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming, 
9. I was so tired of everything. 
I was. Really. I still kind of am. Im tired of having to work all the time and having no money. I was tired of waking up every day and going to a school. I feel like I would have liked school better if I didnt have to wake up early and put up with all of that bullshit. 
The bullshit I am tired of here has literally went from 95% to maybe about 15%  Professors are honest with me, My coworkers all do their jobs and I dont get in trouble if they don’t. Really Imagine, getting in trouble because one of your coworkers didnt do their job right. 
The only bullshit I have to deal with is making sure I have enough hours. Which if you ask me isnt a biggie, also I make enough to take care of myself. Which is a lot better than where I was before. 
8. I was going insane. 
Now I know what you’re thinking “Omg, yeah sure whatever Rose. Everybody on Facebook likes to pretend they’re crazy for attention, Change your picture to Joker and Harley just to add edginess. 
But no. It was stuff I dont want to dicuss with you. I had horrible dreams and I wanted to do some horrible things. In a way, I honestly thought if I killed myself I would save everyone.  I still dont remember what I wanted to save them from. 
7. I didnt have any friends. 
Now again I know what you’re thinking, “This bitch is tripping. She won Homecoming Duchess and Princess at the last dance!” (  Side Note: I also went on to win Prom Queen. But Everybody voted for me because I wasn’t allowed to run for homecoming queen because I tried to kill myself in the Bathroom.) 
I didnt have a Best friend. I didnt have somebody who hung out with me or came to my house specifically to play with me. I worked too much or somebody who ate lunch with me because they wanted to and not because I’d integrated into their little group because one of the members felt sorry for me and wanted to be my friend again. 
I knew a lot of people. But I was fiery, Passionate and emotional. People were afraid of that. Either that, or they didnt care enough to try and understand it. 
6. I was suffering from an unDiagnosed Mental illness 
It was Borderline Personality Disorder.  It was making me crazy. 
I still dont understand what it means. 
I know it means. 
But I dont understand it. 
5. I missed my Daddy. 
There. I said it. I FUCKING SAID IT. 
In my family, I was supposed to pretend he didnt exist. We all were. We didnt have Dads. We were just born. You know i didnt accept my Step Dad until My Dad stopped coming to see me. But what does that matter? I mean I wasNT  A BOY. HE DIDNT FUCKING WANT A GIRL. HE PROBABLY HAS 80 BILLION FUCKING DAUGHTERS! HE DOESNT NEED ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!
But how am I going to forget the man who hated it when I cried? The man who bought me all of these presents because he knew he was never going to see me ever again. The man who bought me my first Barbie Car, my Hamtaro doll and my pretty Amethyst Birth Stone Barbie. All because he fucking knew he was never going to see me again. 
I havent seen him since I was two.  But I remember waking up in my hospital bed with Leslie telling him he had to talk to me because the doctors said they didnt know if I’d make it. I heard my auntie tell him in spanish and then he said “I dont talk to anyone who isnt blood.” and I wished I would have died again and again and again. 
4. I wasnt afraid to die. 
I mean honestly who is? Im Catholic now. I understand its the circle of life. Ive seen Lion King. But I honestly wasnt afraid to die. 
Here’s my philosphy on Religion and Death and everything 
If you’re a buddist and you die. You go do Buddist stuff. Buddist heaven, Buddist Hell. 
If you’re Jewish and you die. You go to Jewish Heaven because there isnt a hell. 
I know in church they tell you not to believe in other gods. But God mentions in the Holy Bible several times. So Meh. 
But I wasnt afraid to die. Im pretty sure my life had been clean and the only sins I really had were Hating my parents and Premarital sex. God wouldnt send me to hell for that. So I thought I’d go to heaven and party with Kurt Cobain
Because when a kid with Cancer dies, God doesnt send them to hell for dying of Cancer. So why would he send me to hell for succumbing to my depression? 
I mean atleast even if He was the God I think he is. 
3. By this point I was honestly sure nobody cared. 
The English teacher who carried me to the ambulance cared. I’m sure of that. 
But I mean nobody cared. I remember coming home to no food in the refrigerator and thinking “Oh well they’re making it easier for me now.” I remember nobody ever asking how I was.  I remember feeling numb I remember waking up that morning and deciding I was going to give life one last Chance. I’d missed the bus that morning and I had to call my  Grandmère to give me a ride to school because My Mother wouldnt teach me how to drive because she didnt want me to run off with my boyfriend and be happy. 
Because I guess bragging rights about your kids going to college are more important than your kids actually being happy. I’ll remember that when I have kids. If I live to have kids at least. 
Anyway I remember forgetting to take the pills out of my backpack. Im sure there’s an alternate universe somewhere where I did take them out of my backpack and I just went home early that day instead of killing myself in the bathroom. But hey what about the alternate universe where Hitler cured Cancer?
Nobody cared. Thats the point. Obviously if nobody noticed I was starving myself. If nobody noticed any of the signs that I displayed. 
But of course they all showed up to the hospital and cried crocodile tears. Then they yelled at me again as soon as I woke up. 
2. My life was over. 
“But you were accepted into NMSU! You were graduating Highschool! You had your whole life ahead of you!!!”
Did anybody ever think for just a second that I didnt want any of that? Honestly! Everybody was so proud. Nobody stopped and asked me if thats what I wanted to do. Because it sure as hell wasnt. I didnt want to go to college. Twelve fucking years of a system that made me kill myself in the Bathroom and you wanted me to do  eight more years?!  I wanted to get married and have babies. But I had to. You understand. I had to. I couldnt be like my sister. I couldnt stay in Highschool forever. I had to go to school because Men are useless now and I couldnt just get married out of highschool because as soon as they leave you’re going to need to take care of yourself! But I didnt want that. I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids. 
1. Chance left.
Honestly this was it. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I could see it coming though. Yeah, I made fake accounts to try and talk to him. Yeah I was a thirsty hoe (Symptom of BPD btw). Yeah I kind of texted him until right before I did it. I mean I was 18 of course I was obsessed. He cared. He would kiss me goodnight, He would try to get me to eat but I never would. I wanted to be pretty for him. I wanted him to love me. He did for a moment. You know love is like a drug, A drug that makes you happy every day of your life. Even if all you do is fight. Maybe its because I’d never loved anybody before him. Not even my Mother.  When I lost that happy bubbly warmth. I wanted it back. I was so desperate to get it back. I didnt notice. I didnt notice all the terrible things that happened. I looked over all of the mean words, and abusive flags. None of those mattered, as long as I got that feeling of being warm, loved, safe, and protected. Because it made me want to live. If I couldnt live. I wanted to die. I wanted to die and be with that feeling forever. 
Maybe things would have changed if I had realize what a fucking scum bag he was earlier. 
Am I still Suicidal? Yes.
You cant turn it on/off contrary to the belief of everyone around me. I’ve been suicidal since I was a little girl. But will I do it again? I cant promise I wont.  
 Fourteen Reasons why  I want to live. 
14. I’m happy now. 
I dont know if I could consider this as happy as I want to be, I mean Im still single. I have no children. But I’m happy. I dont have all the money in the world but I can go get Starbucks. I can go out and eat If I want to and that makes me so happy. It makes me so happy to have access to food. 
13. I love my apartment. 
I love my apartment. I love everything about it. I do. Except the rent payment lol. I love that I can literally do whatever I want in this little one bedroom place. I love it. I love keeping it clean, I love putting up whatever I want on the walls and I love love love it so much. Im so warm and happy and there is always food here. 
12. I love where I live. 
I love my town. Its big, its bright and i can get whatever I need to. I can go to walmart again whenever I want and I dont have to beg anybody to take me through the drive through or pay anybody to take me to the mall. I can go see movies and see the world. I love the world. I love the grass and the trees and the warmth of the sun. I can sit on my porch for hours, I can watch the rain, I can go outside. I CAN GO OUTSIDE!!!! 
11. I love being free. My freedom is my most precious possession, I don't want to die if I can be free. 
 10. I don't want to die until I find that person. My whole life I've been told There's a soul mate for everyone. When I think about suicide. I think about being dead, in a way, Death was freedom for me. But part of me doesn't want to leave that person alone. I can't. If He was made for me . Then he's like ME and if he is then I don't want to leave him alone. 
9. I have food. 
I know what you’re thinking “Whatever, I have a frozen Dinner in the fridge. Does that make me not suicidal?”
I have food to eat. Like I do. I dont have to scrounge around my house for a packet of Ramen or hiding a can of soup under my bed and praying it would be there when I woke up. I can wake up and eat whatever I want. I can make dinner and sometimes I just stare at all of the food in my refrigerator and smile. 
Side note, It’s now May 12th, school is over. Im trying really hard to finish this. It’s triggering. Like, Hannah Baker, Everything she does. I can see myself in her.  I could deal with the books. I could deal with the books because I had borrowed my friend’s book and typed the alternate ending and stuck it in my book. I visualized it in my own way. Now seeing it. It’s triggering. Did anybody notice? Did anybody try to? 
What about when I did it? Did anybody think? Did anybody try and look after me. I mean nobody noticed me stop eating so I doubt anybody noticed me writing wills in my psychology class, or me writing my suicide note over and over again. 
The final draft only had a few words by the way and nobody read it. 
They didnt even read the instructions I left for them incase I survived and had to go to the hospital which is why I had to wear the same clothes I wore when i did it. Which absolutely sucked. But i was glad I was getting out of the mental hospital, so there’s that. 
I still dont understand why shit like this cant happen in real life. I dont understand how people can make people suffer so much emotionally that they think suicide is the only answer.
This is really hard to write. I have to think of reasons I want to live instead of reasons I want to die. That’s hard. I want to die. Im so sick of this. But I dont want to die. I want to live.  
In a sense, I really feel like Hannah Baker. Because She wanted to live, she wanted life and happiness but she just dies at the end. I wonder if that will happen to me? 
I’ve had people ask me if Im sure I should even be watching a show like this. But I have to. I have to finish it. 
I read the book I know what happens. But I have to finish it for myself. 
8. Kingdom Hearts III will come out (Eventually) 
I have found joy in video games once again. I mean. Ive always loved video games. But I was playing South Park Stick of Truth again and I liked it. I liked it a lot and I wanted to... I wanted to play it so much. 
I’m sure they have video games in heaven but i wonder do they have midnight release parties? Do they have endings that arent perfect?  
Im sure they do. But being alive for them is different. 
Eventually though. Kingdom Hearts III will come out. Eventually.  Ill get to play it. Maybe Ill get to play it with my grandchildren and teach them about Sora, and Kairi, and Riku. 
7. I want to be a Mother. 
Thats all I’ve ever wanted in life. Really. I just want to hold my baby and raise her/him. I dont want them to have to come home and wonder if there’s food to eat, or if the house is going to be warm or when Mom is going to come home.
I want to have children and teach them and give them love and warmth and make them safe and give them everything I never had in life.  Like love, and chances. Chances to make something of themselves in a way I never could. 
6. I want to live to be an annual passholder at Disney 
I mean I’ve been to Disneyland Nineteen times and this summer it will be 20.  But I want to be able to wake up one day, have the day off from work and ask my kids if they want to go to Disneyland instead of school. I want to go there and have a great time and not have to worry about school or work or depression or anything.
5. I really want to do my bucket list. 
I mean there’s lots of cool stuff on it. But I’m sure they have most of that in heaven. But  I want to do it before I die. Like I want to visit Euro Disney in person and hang out in France. I want to walk up and realize I’m going to see the Little Mermaid on Broadway tonight. I want to be able to tell everybody about what I’ve done and inspire them to do the same thing.
(Update: It’s June now. I have to finish it. I had to stop. It was getting bad again. Really bad. I’m ready now. I really am.)
4. I want to get married.
Honestly thats been my life goal since I was a baby. That and being a ballerina but appertanly my dreams dont matter enough for us to stay in a place I could actually achieve them. I want to have a big fancy wedding which will probably dumb down to me getting married at the court house which I am totally fine with. As long as I am officially married and we honeymoon at Disney. 
Jesus Chirst I cant do this. I really cant. I fucking cant. . .  Why? WHY am I here? Why did I live? It’s fucking impossible did you know that? Am I still alive? Am I dead? I wont fucking know! I’m so much happier now! I really am. But I cant do this. I fucking cant. Why? Why am I alive? Why did I live? SO I could pay bills for the rest of my life? I hate being broke. I hate not having any money. I spent 20 dollars today to go out to lunch and that was a luxury. I couldnt afford that. Especially with all these bills. Why? Why is it so expensive to live in a 3rd world country with Iphones? Why? I dont have a car I have to ride the bus everywhere and spend a billion dollars on fucking everything. WHY? Why? I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate having to be mad at myself for going to the mall and spening 11 dollars. ELEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS! I bought a keychain today. I bought a keychain today and I wasnt supposed to do that!  I love my apartment, I love it, I wont leave it unless I’m in a body bag or leaving with my husband, But i dont understand WHY?! Why? Why do they want everything I have? Everybody just wants money. Everything is just money money money money, do I Have enough? WIll it last? Will I be able to do something with it? Why do you want all of my money? I can barley afford to live and everybody wants to make it fucking harder than it already is!!!!!!!!!! I cant do this. I really want to die. But i really want to live. I really want to live. But i cant live. 
3. I want friends. . .
I want best friends. I want the kind of friends where you all can just hang out together and do stupid shit. I want inside joke kind of friends, I want the sort of friends that make fun of you but you know they dont mean it. I want a specific place for us to hang out and laugh and live. 
2. I want to be infinite. 
I dont mean immortal. I mean I want to do things. I want freedom. People have freedom given to them while others have to fight for it. I want to take a roadtrip. I want to eat at gas stations with somebody and travel and see the world. I’ve always wanted to see the world but i’ve been locked up in this FUCKING TOWER for so long and now i’m afraid to get out of it. I am afraid to live because I’ve never been able to live before! Why are people born free when I could not leave my house to get the mail? 
1. I want to experience love. 
I have never loved anybody. For a moment, I thought I loved Chance. But I realized, you cant love somebody who has never loved you. So i didnt love my Mother, or My sisters and brothers or my grandparents. That wasnt love. It was forced affection. Because when you love somebody you make sure they’re in the car before driving away and asking if they are. If you love someone you dont kick them out of your car. If you love somebody you offer to take them home instead of letting them sit in 32 degrees watching their spit freeze, while you let your family treat them like shit just like you did. 
But I want to experience love. All kinds of love. I want to know why people like it so much and why the feeling is so euphoric. I want to be held and treated like I am a treasure. Like I am worth something. 
Is that love? I will find out one day. I want this. Even if its the only thing I will have. I want it. 
~
I’m on the second to last episode now, 
I wonder if the author wanted us to feel bad for people we’ve slut shamed.  I wonder if we’re supposed to think about it that way. 
I dont know about you but I hate fake people who pretend they’ve killed themselves.  I mean I know its a cry for help. But I wish they would go and talk to somebody instead of insisting they sliced their wrists 80 times and got sent to the ER even though their wrists are scarless and havent look liked they were cut ever. 
My therapist once sent me to the ER because I told her I was feeling suicidial. 
I thought that was utter bullshit. 
Because all I had learned to do was lie. 
Why are you suicidal honey? *Sniff* My greAT Gran died and I miss her so much and I wish I could talk to her and hug her. Oh baby it’s gonna be okay, Derek she’s not suicidal get her out of here. 
See? Then at my next therapy session I had to lie to her and tell her I wasnt suicidal. Which was another lie. 
Anybody who has ever asked me about my Great Grandma Elisa knows I hated going to her house and I didnt like her. I’ve never liked her. She was so mean to me. She really was. 
But i cant say I cried crocodile tears at her funeral. Or when They woke me up and told me she wasnt breathing and I knew she was dead, and I cried in my sleep. Something I didnt do, and didnt start doing until it was getting really bad again. 
Isnt that funny though? How i learned to just lie to everybody instead of telling the truth? 
~
I’m on the last episode now. 
I cant make you believe how many times I had to stop this and step away for a moment. 
It was honestly too realistic. 
Like just the things she said 
“I decided to give life one more chance.” 
I remember thinking the exact same thing. 
and watching it blow it. 
Thats always how my emotions have been. 
Hannah is stealing razors now.
I remember the day I bought the sleeping pills specifically to kill myself.
I didnt tell my Mom that. I told her I was having trouble sleeping which was true. 
I remember telling kids I thought I was taking too much.
I remember pouring handfuls into my own hand and just staring at them. I thought they were really pretty.  
I remember sleeping in class because I’d take too many on purpose. 
I remember hanging up on 911 
I remember calling my ex boyfriend. 
I wondered what would happen if he would have answered. I really do. 
Probably nothing, 
I still would have done it. 
I remember swallowing handful after handful. 
I remember being carried to the office and hearing your voice in my head. 
I remember dying and being at peace.
I remember waking up and screaming and crying.
Because honestly. Suicide doesnt hurt. No. aside from me not being able to eat for a couple weeks without throwing up, or choking up tablets everytime I tried to take a pill. 
What hurt was waiting. I waited for life to get better. 
It didn’t.  
Hannah baker is going to slit her wrists,
I’m mad. This isnt the way it happened in the books. She swallowed pills.
ItsnotrealRosemaryitsnotrealItsnotevenhowithappendinthebooks
This is triggering. 
I reserve the right to skip this part.
I cant breathe. 
Okay, Okay. 
I dont fucking get why people say this show glorifies suicide. We are literally watching a girl die. The worst part is this is how actual people have done it. Oh my god. Oh my god there’s so much blood. 
Her parents, Oh my god. Okay that was so fake.
American Horror story did a better job. 
Which is probably why it kept me from killing myself. I watched Violet do it and it scared me. It scared me so I didnt do it. 
You know when I first read the books I guess I was really confused because I thought Mr Porter raped Hannah. I was like in 8th grade. 
Okay so Hannah Baker is still dead. The episode is over. 
How are they going to do season 2? 
I mean Tyler is Obviously going to shoot up the school and Alex tried to off himself. It’s Obvious Alex isnt going to die.  It’s Obvious Tyler isnt going to kill him. 
~
I liked watching this. 
I mean aside from it taking me two months to finish because,  well it kind of was triggering.
Side note:
I am not contemplating suicide please do not message me or call the cops. 
Also for anybody who is. 
National Suicide Prevention LifelineCall 
1-800-273-8255
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How I Went From 6 to 37 Units With One Acquisition Using Hard Money Financing
Disclaimer: This is a very long post detailing how Iacquired a large, out-of-state commercial property. I hope youll find it helpful. If you have any questions or feedback, feel free to leave a comment below or drop me a message. My Cash Goals Prior to this deal, I owned a duplex and a fourplex. Both properties have appreciated substantially since I purchased and rehabbed them, but produce little cash flow. I have other businesses I work in aside from multi-unit investing. My 18-month goal when taking on this project was to increase my passive income (cash flow) so it exceeded my active income (wages)an aggressive goal. In preparation,I sold one of my aforementioned properties to raise money for a lucrative multi-family property to rehab and hold onto. My Search CriteriaCapitalization (CAP) rateof 10%+A value-add property (a building that needs work; yet once the work is done, the value increase should exceed the renovation cost, creating equity)A max purchase price of $450,000, with a cash flow of at least $4,000 per month upon completion10+ units (the more units in the building, the lower my risk) Note: Single-family investing is not my thing, but perfectly fine if thats your strategy.
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How I Search Finding good deals is usually about relationships and marketing. However, I dont ignore online listings. I search frequently for properties that meet my criteria. In this case, I found an out-of-state, broker-listed, 33-unit property that was listed near my target price. I read for hours every day, and I know which geographical areas are doing well and which areas arent. Of course, Im not as familiar with out-of-state markets as local investors are, but I do my research and network with area experts when I find an interesting deal in what seems like a good area. I searched in a few states, and in this case, I found a deal in South Carolina. I called the listing agent to get some information. The property had: 33 units spread across 6 separate buildings14 of 33 units rented4 of 33 units completely gutted on the inside15 of 33 units in varying stages of rehab As a value-add investor, this was music to my ears. The 14 rehabbed units were 100 percent occupied and collecting rent, providing income to cover a debt payment while completing rehab work. I saw an opportunity to buy this place, complete the rehab, stabilize the property, and gain some equity to leverage for the next deal. The catch, the agent said, would be getting financing for this property, which was best suited to a cash buyer. Banks would be wary of the smaller rental market (around 45,000 people) and the condition of the property. I told the agent to give me a few days to explore some options. After some market research, I discovered that companies were investing in the area, unemployment was down, rents for this property were well below market, and there was a long waiting list of Section-8 tenants because there werent enough units in the citygreat. Validating the Deal A meeting with my CPA yielded a referral to one of his financial clients. This client was a mortgage broker focused on risky lending. I got in touch with him on Friday evening and had a pre-qualification letter by Saturday morning. Keep in mind it was only a pre-qualification, not a pre-approval (meaning the lender isnt obligated to finance the deal), but it was a good thing to have in my back pocket nonetheless. I made a trip, toured the property, and met a very genuine and honest seller who told me exactly what to expectpositive and negative. While I was there, I spent time in the city talking with hotel clerks, gas-station attendants, property managers, real-estate agents, and just about anyone else who would tell me about the neighborhood. I drove up and down every street within two miles and noticed that the local residents really took care of their properties. Making the Offer The pre-qualification said financing would cover up to 70% of a purchase price up to $400,000 (this helped with negotiations). It would also cover 100% of renovations. I had enough cash to meet these terms, with enough left over to begin construction and hold onto some reserves. So I put in an offer of $350,000, which included 30 days to come up with the financing (I anticipated a few bumps). A few hours later, another bidder offered $375,000. Multiple offersnot good. I was willing to pay up to $400,000, so I matched the other offer and put emphasis on my pre-qualification letter. It worked. The seller accepted my offer. Putting Financing Together I estimated repairs at $300,000, but I needed a professional to validate my assumptions. Im not a contractor, and I wasnt familiar with local prices. I asked for referrals to general contractors from a local lawyer, a regionalReal Estate Investors Association president, and the listing agent. Then I scheduled another trip to South Carolina and slotted six local contractors for one-hour walk throughs throughout the day. In the end, the rehab estimate totaled around $400,000$100,000 more than I had projected. After further research and discussion, I realized the contractors were high-balling the estimates for four units that needed completely new interiors. They were in a separate building where there had been a fire a number of years ago, and I needed an architect to determine what would be salvageable, how to configure the units to meet current code, and to help get a permit issued; without firming up the scope, it was difficult for the contractors to give an accurate estimate. Those four units represented most of the inflated cost. Meanwhile, the clock was ticking on my 30 days for financing. Upon further analysis, the sellers agent pointed out that if I didnt do any work on those four units, the rest of the property could be completed for $120,000. Worst case scenario, I could bulldoze that building and still easily meet my cash-flow goal. Going ahead with the project still made sense. So I sent the contractor estimates to the mortgage broker, explained the discrepancy, and the broker got to work underwriting the deal.
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Related:8 Things The Real Estate Experts Wont Tell You About Hard Money Selecting a Lender Unless youre a cash buyer or have a standing relationship with private lenders, securing financing is likely the most difficult hurdle to closing a multi-unit deal. The referral from my CPA was a solid one. However, from past experience, I knew it was not unusual for a lender to pull out at the last minuteso I made a few other phone calls, just in case. I called about 25 lenders and brokers in total. Some were from my personal list, some were referrals from my contacts. Local Community Banks in South Carolina were a pleasure to deal with but couldnt help me since I was from out of state.Major U.S. banksthat I had banking relationships with were just too big for this deal.Mortgage Brokers were 50/50:About half said they wouldnt do this deal because of the construction loan and because I couldnt put down 30% of the total cost (I was looking to put down 30% of purchase price). The other half said the deal would be no problem. At this point, five mortgage brokers were reviewing my paperwork, saying they could get this deal done. I was honest with the brokers. I told them Id spoken with others since I knew the deal was tricky. Its important not to give anyone the wrong impression or let them think that youre working only with them. Of the five, two brokers backed out because they couldnt find a lender willing to take on the project. One broker said he was close. The CPA referral was still considering the deal too, but he hadntdirectly engaged any lenders yet. I continued making phone calls, following up, and juggling multiple brokers. Finding Property Management Companies & Insurance Agents I contacted five local property management companies. Three of them called me back. One of the reps was nice enough, but didnt really seem like a people personso that wasnt going to work. Another company immediately sent me a copy of the property-management agreement to look over, but it outlined a plethora of fees, and basically stripped me of my decision making-rights in managing the property. That wasnt going to work either. My real-estate agent referred me to someone hed used before in a nearby town. The owner was knowledgeable, personable, and willing to negotiate terms that would benefit us both. I negotiated a flat monthly percentage of rent as the management fee, with no other charges at all. Thus ensuring our interests would be aligned. Next I called an insurance agent I had been referred to. After many excuses and unreturned phone calls, he finally sent a quote that was double what the current owner had been payingfor the same coverage. So I called the current owners insurance company and was quoted (the same day) roughly the same price the current owner was being charged. It was nice to have a management agreement and an insurance quote ready to go for when I needed it. Lenders eventually ask for these. Related: How I find Private Money Lenders to 100% Fund My Deals (& How You Can Too) Financing, Continued I estimated anafter-repair value (ARV)of $1.1 million based on (the midpoint of) the low end of the price-per-unit spectrum for recently sold properties in the city. I didnt have income information for those properties, so price per unit is what I went on. After weeks of making phone calls and sending and resending documentation, two brokers sent meterm sheets.One promised hed continue working on the deal until I had something firm. The term sheets were as follows: Broker A: 90% financing on the purchase price, and 100% financing on rehab costs; 7% interest for 24 months, no prepayment penalty.Broker B: 20% down payment on the overall purchase and rehab; 13% interest for 12 months, no prepayment after 9 months. Both brokers were primarily working off loan to ARV. Broker As deal was obviously much better. However, Broker As terms were subject to underwriting, since the offer was presented based on the information I provided (purchase price, rehab costs, and an ARV of $1.1 million). My down payment would workout to around $40,000. Closing fees, broker fees, taxes and insurance were extra, of course. Broker Bs deal had a better chance of moving to closing. Broker B was ready to order an appraisal and close within two weeks if everything checked out. My cash-to-close cost would work out to around $240,000. I went with Broker AIm not afraid of risk. After speaking with this brokers lender, I had a good feeling. I was confident that the deal would work out in my favor. I let Broker B know I was going a different route, and he said, No problem; let me know if things dont work out. He was a great guy to deal with. At this point, I told the other brokers who were still working the deal that I had signed a Letter of Intent (LOI) with another company. I signed the term sheet on the LOI, paid for an appraisal, and moved forward with Broker A. The appraisal came back with a current value of $475,000 and estimated a value of $1 million upon project completion. The higher-than-expected current value helped provide some comfort to both the lender and me. The ARV was lower than I anticipated, but the lender assured me it wouldnt affect the terms of the deal. We could move forward. I sent him the property management agreement and the insurance quote and he said everything was fine. I was surprised, since lenders wont normally go above 70% loan to value, or 65% in smaller markets, but we trudged on nonetheless. In the meantime, I kept working on trying to get some better contractor quotes, just in case.
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Closing the Deal Three or four days before closing, I received an email from the lender stating they couldnt find anyone to fund the deal: I would need to put up another $200,000 in order to get things wrapped up. The terms were now similar to those offered by Broker B, but I had already paid for the appraisal with Broker As lender. I took a conference call with the lender. The managing director told me he had originally thought he could finance in-house with funds managed by his colleagues, but none of the fund managers would take the deal due to the small size of the local market. He assured me that he could get the deal done, but said he needed more for the down payment30% down on the purchase price. That was exactly what I had been originally expecting, so it was no problem. Closing was extended by two weeks, and some additional earnest money was paid. Two weeks later, another setback: The lenders managing director called me again and said he would finance the deal himself by getting a bank loan. We extended closing again, this time by 20 days, and the seller said in no uncertain terms that this would be the final extension. With the additional earnest money, I now had $15,000 in the dealnot including the appraisal and travel costs. If the deal didnt go through in the next 20 days, the seller would have kept the place and I would have been out more than $20,000. More Setbacks Well, the bank didnt like the property and turned the lender down. Remember, a smaller market means greater risk. At this point, the lender, now acting as a mortgage broker, reached out to another broker who had an interested lender in California. This new broker-lender duo moved extremely quickly, did due diligence, and communicated effectively throughout the process. In the end, the down payment worked out to be about 20% of the whole project (about the same terms as Broker B had offered). Broker A passed along the documentation wed accrued thus far, and we moved forward with the deal. The California lender asked me for a few more things, which I sent the same day. A conference call with the lender helped answer outstanding questions about the appraisal, my background, and the property. The lender assured me he everything he needed to close in one week (which was the final, hard deadline). My lawyer said Id receive the closing documents before closing. One day before closing, the lender sent a list of things he needed in order to close the following day. Most were quick and easy to send, such as updated bank statements and proof that earnest money was being held in a trust account. However, two things would require some effort: A breakdown of the contractors quote by type and quantity of material, insurance costs, overhead, profit, etc.An enforceability letter from a lawyer in Canada, where my other property is located, allowing the US lender to go after my Canadian assets should I default on my US loan. I dropped everything for the remainder of the day and got to work. I immediately sent everything asked of me except the two items described above. My contractors office was closed that day, but with a few frantic phone calls, I put something together. The enforceability letter harder to come by. My flight to South Carolina for closing was delayed due to a big storm. The unfortunate weather provided me with enough time in the evening to make additional phone calls. Eventually, I remembered a childhood friend whose cousins had all became successful doctors, lawyers, and accountants. One of the cousins referred me to a friend of a friend who said he would put the letter together the following morning. At 1:40 p.m. the following day, I received the enforceability letter and sent it to the lender. The lender had promised to have the loan documents ready to be sent at the click of a button, and he followed through on that promise. Closing was scheduled for 3 p.m. I had one hour and 20 minutes to review 98 pages of documentation at a coffee shop and then drive to the closing at my lawyers office. Luckily, the loan documents matched up with the term sheet, so there were no issues there. Closing went ahead at 3 p.m. as scheduled. Even though the wire transfer didnt arrive from California in time for the closing, the large wire transfer I had sent the day before satisfied the seller enough to allow closing to take place (without knowing the final settlement amount, I had sent an overage). The seller agreed to pick up his check for the balance the following Monday. And with that, the deal closed.
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Lessons Learned In the end, the deal went through. I now have a relationship with a solid lender and a few good mortgage brokers. Some things I did well, such as preparing documentation in advance and not relying on a single, unknown mortgage broker or lender (if I had, this deal certainly would have fallen through). That said, I could have closed the deal a lot sooner had I done a few things differently. Heres what I learned: If a lender offers terms drastically better than what others are offering, its probably too good to be true. Choose a more certain option.Get contractor quotes before taking your renovation estimate to the bankunless you are very experienced and youre doing the work yourself. Banks will want proper documentation.Dont rely on a single lender to finance the deal unless youve dealt with them before.Many mortgage brokers will tell you they can close a deal like this, but only some of them canand it will take time.Communicate well, and be available. When a bank asks for something, they need it as soon as possible in order to avoid slowing down the deal. Stay in touch with the bank and your broker to ensure you stay on the same page. Were republishing this article to help out our newer readers.
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Have you ever done a deal that took multiple tries to get right? Share your stories in the comments section below. https://www.biggerpockets.com/renewsblog/6-37-units-hard-money
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"Searcy Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 72149
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How do you find out how much your car is worth and what the insurance replacement value is?
When will my motorcycle insurance go down?
I am 19 years old and I am on my second year of riding. I have no tickets or accidents (thank God) and I am still paying over $1,000 a year in insurance for my 250cc bike (2009 Kawasaki Ninja 250r).I have done some shopping and this is the lowest price. Allstate wanted $6,000, freakin unbelievable. I just wanna know when it will go down. Thx.""
How much would it be for insurance on two vehicles if one was a classic?
I am buying a car soon, and i am getting two one is going to be a 1990 GMC Sierra z71 stepside, and the other one is going to be and older car from a 1970-1973, do any of you have a clue how much it would cost a month or would i have to go to an insurance company to do that""
Insurance Fraud?
About a year ago at this time, I was involved in a car accident where I was turning left onto a 2lane road (stop signs, MY turn) and this girl was turning right onto the same road. She tried to beat me and get in my lane. She ran into my car. Long story short, her fault, no questions asked, even says so on the police report. I filed a report and claim with my insurance co. to get $$ to fix my car. I got the $$ and fixed my car. Well, I was trying to chance insurance co. the other day when I found out that apparently this lady called my ins. company claiming to be my 'mom' admitting fault to the accident. I was 19 at the time, and this was at MY college. So now, it's gone on my record as my fault. Now, I just faxed the insurance co. the report, and they are going to investiage because this girl committed serious fraud. What's going to happen from here on out, legal wise and prosecution wise for her?""
What is the cheapest but most reliable car insurance?
What is the cheapest but most reliable car insurance?
How much would insurance be on a 1986 honda civic si hatchback?
I need to know asap how much estimated it would be to add this car to insurance. (state farm) I just bought it for 800 bucks and i need to know also how much in total it would be to get on the road.. register, title switch , tags all that good stuff...im un VIRGINIA btw.. need any more info ask..""
Can anyone tell me which group insurance a Jaguar XJ8 auto come in?
Can anyone tell me which group insurance a Jaguar XJ8 auto come in?
How much will her insurance likely go up?
my grandma pays about 65/month for her car insurance, she is 59 today she didnt see my car and backed into the passenger side leaving a dent. I have full coverage for my car. she has liability on hers. I dont just not want to do anything. i want it fixed. but i dont know if i want to call my insurance company. cuz if i say it was her fault, which is was, idk how much her insurance will go up. if its ten dollars a month its no big deal i wouldnt think. but i dont want it to be a lot. if i say it is my fault, then i have a 500 dollar deductable and my insurance goes up. and i cant afford that. im 17. she also said she would try to pay for it to be fixed. but idk if it is cheaper for her to pay for it or for her insurance to go up.""
Insurance settlement following motorcycle accident - GA?
The accident was ruled the other driver's fault. I had three pelvic fractures, dislocated tailbone, and fractured elbow. My health ins isn't paying, but the med bills have been reduced to the negotiated rate that my ins would normally pay. So my TOTAL OWED is about 2/3's of the initial total. Since pain & suffering is based on med bills times a multiplier, which amount will the ins co use? The larger total or the negotiated total? An attorney told me that this hospital is notorious for requesting the rest of the owed amount after the settlement has been reached, so obviously, I want the most money that I can get (and 13 weeks missed work!) Thanks""
What is the cost of insurance for children and teens?
How much does insurance cost for a child from age 2 to 12? What about for a teen (from age 12 to 18)? Please list these costs separately. Thanks so very much. I really appreciate this. It's for a school project in case you are wondering. =)
Car Insurance estimate?
I know it's a bit impossible (like asking what's the length of a string) but I am wondering if anyone knows a rough amount , or has experience of how much car insurance would be for a 19 year old - near 20 year old male in the UK. I would be a named driver on one of my parents cars (A vauxhall Corsa 2013), my parents have no points on their license. I would only be using the car when I am back from University so for a maximum of about 3 months a year so not for the full year! I have heard of some people younger than me getting insurance quotes as a named driver for around 700 but I am unsure if this is true. a) Are there any insurance websites where you can calculate an estimate for a Named driver? ( I know ones for the main driver) b) would it be worth to pay it monthly ?... c) any estimates roughly? (an estimate within 200 or so! ) Thank you ! P.S if anybody magically knows of how much it would be for me to be with an insurance company as a named driver yet still gain no claims bonuses (as many named drivers don't get no claims) I'll be extremely grateful!""
How much is car insurance for a range rover sport 2010?
I have a friend how is looking to get a 2st hand range rover sport 2010 but Is worried about the insurance. What is the range of car insurance prices for the basic driver
How much money would it cost to have a 1992-1998 BMW E36 1.6l-1.8l for a 17 year old on your parents insurance?
How much money would it cost to have a 1992-1998 BMW E36 1.6l-1.8l for a 17 year old on your parents insurance?
How much would insurance cost for a Toyota Celica GT?
Ok so I have asked this question a couple of times now and I guess I should be more specific. I am getting my license soon and will probably be getting a Toyota Celica GT 2000 or 2001 and I was wondering the insurance price for a new driver (who is a girl) for this type of car. Not like what the price is based on but an actual estimated price. I am not expecting anything to be exacted just a guess. Plz help, thank.""
Named driver car insurance?
How much would it be for a 20 year old, 2 years passed, to be a named driver on a picanto 1 litre, with hastings direct, thanks""
What's some places to check for cheap auto insurance?
I got a letter from geico saying that I get special deals cause I'm phi theta kappa. This is Geico's quote: Your monthly premium is: $43.19 for a 6-month policy. That is only $229.10 for 6 months. Is that actually a good deal? It's probably high because I live in a big city, but I would like to find something cheaper. Where else to look?""
Cheapest young driver car insurance?
i done endsleigh, i-kube, go compare, zura (or w/e), aa, swift, any i havent heard of that specialise i have googled specialist young driver insurance (had licence 3 months and im 18) Male""
Average insurance rates for a retail store?
What would be the average insurance rate for a retail store that sells books? How much more would it be with a children's section? If a child was injured in the play section how much would the rates spike up? I need this for an economics class where we are theoretically building a buisness and running it. Any help is appreciated.
How much would insurance be for sports car?
ill be 17 soon so im looking for a car and i loveeee this purple sports car but i heard it makes your insurance even higher... about how much do you think it would it be?
Suing a car insurance?
3 weeks ago, my car got hit while i was asleep in the middle of the night. the person left his insurance and phone number.so he knew he was at fault 100%. i called the insurance and they agreed to fix my car. since the person hit my wheel and bumper at the same time my car was not drivable at all, so they got a towing truck to take it to the shop. i received a call 2 day later from the insurance telling me that they could only fix my bumper because it the accident had nothing to do with a broken part from the other side of where the car got hit. now my car was working perfectly fine the day before the accident. and the insurance doesnt want to fix the part that broke because they said it was impossible for the part to brake and because the part was rusted. Can i sue the insurance company?""
Does anyone now what the insurance rates would be for a 2002 eclipse GT?
Not the exact insurance rates, obviously that varies from person to person situation to situation but would it be cheap? Expensive if you could compare it to another cars insurance rates?? Any insight is welcome thank you""
I need motorcycle repair dealer insurance?
I have a harley repair shop.I am looking for shop insurance in the state of MO.
How can I get the other driver's insurance co. to pay the full cost of rental car?
I was hit from behind and the other driver's insurance company has accepted liability but, they only want to reimburse me about $27/day for a rental car when I'll have to pay around $50/day. They are also dictating to me some terms about the duration of the rental car period based on the number of shop hours estimated for repair. I am wondering if there is some leverage I can use to make them pay 100% of the rental car cost for a reasonable car and duration.""
How much will my monthly payment and insurance be for a sports car?
im trying to figure out how much my car insurance will be. im 17, ive never owned a car, have no credit history and i want to buy a 1990 toyota supra which is a sports car. the car will probably cost $5000. i just really need to know how much i can expect to be paying a month with insurance and monthly payments""
Searcy Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 72149
Searcy Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 72149
Maturnity insurance?
do anyone know of any insurance that cover maturnity that will not cost an arm and a leg. my husband had good insurance and they had a lay off and friday is out last day with that insurance so does anyone know of any insurance for maturnity coverage that would be a great help.
Does it matter if spouses use the same insurance company?
My husband and I have health insurance through his job, and now my job is offering to pay for some of my life insurance. We are going to get life insurance from his company, but I just wondered if it was a bad idea to have life insurance through two companies.""
Motorcycle insurance rate estimation?
I want basic liability insurance for a lower cc Honda Phantom, 700 cc tops. I am a 21 year old male who committed a DUI 2.5 years ago and is now alcohol-free. For that reason, I feel ...show more""
Can I cancel my car insurance and get my money back?
The car that was insured was scrapped in January but the insurance is still running. Can I cancel the policy and get my money back? It was with Admiral and I paid the whole amount up front. Policy expires in August 2012. Also, I have just bought a new car and want that insured. Can I transfer it onto the Admiral policy, or am I better off cancelling everything and starting from scratch? The scrapped car btw was a peugeot 306 that broke. The new car is a bmw 318d thanks!""
Do I need a license/registration for Motorized bicycle or 50cc gas moped scooter in CA?
Do i need to register or obtain a license for the above 2 vehicles in California. I tried to call DMV but it really takes forever. I can't seem to find that info on the website either. Thanks
Can I own two cars and insure them through different insurance companies?
Can I own two cars and insure them through different insurance companies?
Does anyone know some cheap insurance companies for drivers who just passed?
UK only please :)xx
Auto Insurance?
I have a 1981 Chevy Silverado that I have poured money into over the years. I was wanting to full coverage seeing as how much money I have put into it. These trucks are very common so they aren't worth a lot. I'd say the going rate for a nice specimen would be $3,500 in my area. I have somewhere around $10,000-$12,000 invested in mine. Can I have it insured for what I have in it or just what its worth? I've never had full coverage insurance so I have no idea. Thanks for any input.""
Do I have to respond to a insureance quote?
So today I got a insurance quote from 21st Century Insurance and it says Response requested by: Dec.4,2910 DO I really have to respond?""
Car insurance- insurance not renewed.?
A month ago my car insurers send a letter saying my policy wouldn't be renewed when it ends in November. reason, there weren't dealing with the agency. now I have two cars, one having abs problem so wasn't driving it but was paying for both. Am getting a new insurance company but wouldnt add the problem car till I get money to repair it. its not driven and want to save that wasted money to repair it. Am I right.""
""Car Insurance: I currently have a 2001 Red Mustang V6, but will be purchasing a 2003 Blue Jeep Liberty V6..?""
.. should I expect a major increase/decrease in my car insurance payment? I'm 18, but under my parents plan. I'm selling the Mustang if anyone is interested and lives in middle Tennessee.""
How much would car insurance cost for me?
I'm a 17 year old student that has been driving for a couple years and have never had any accidents/tickets... How much would insurance for a $2500 VW baja bug cost? Please tell me in a total amount for a year.... Thanks
Insurance cost for a truck?
chevy silverado 2010 im 18
Car Insurance Help? BMW 3 Series?
How much should insurance be on a USED BMW 3 Series Sedan for a 16 year old girl? It wouldn't be fully loaded.
Insurance on a 2004 hyundai tiburon GT?
im 16 and i want a 2004 hyundai tiburon GT for my first car and was wondering if you could give me an estimate on what the price would be for insurance each month if it is under my dads name who is 47 he also has an avalanche an armada and a 2500 dodge ram under his name if that helps?
How much does motorcycle insurance cost in MA?
How much should I expect to pay for motorcycle insurance on a cheap bike in MA? (I'm in cambridge.) I know it depends on a variety of factors, and I could call an agent and get a quote, but I'm just looking for a rough estimate.""
Cheap car insurance UK?
any tips to bring the price down? or any insurers going cheap atm? 24 yr old guy 1 yrs no claims citeron saxo desire 03 reg park it on a drive way
Cheapest auto insurance in CA?
Cheapest auto insurance in CA?
Can i get affordable baby health insurance?
Can i get affordable baby health insurance?
How much life insurance is sufficient?
my husband just got a raise and we are thinking about raising our life insurance. I have 6 children. what is the best way to estimate how much is enough.
What is the best rated and least expensive car insurance for a female age 19 with a clean driving record ?t?
The car is an SUV 94 ford astro van in California.Know that only need collision coverage...Thanks for helping
Is car insurance expensive?
Im about to get my driver licence and my mom told me that car insurance is really expensive and that's the reason why she wont buy me a car.
Kids Health Insurance?????
Which kids health insurance will pay for braces?
How long does it take Home owners insurance to pay?
My house had a pipe burst, a guy from the insurance company came and took pictures of everything that got damaged. My xbox 360 was sitting in water and he took a picture of it. How long will it take till I know if they are going to cover it or not?""
""Approximately, how much would insurance cost for a 16 year old with a 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse GT?""
I'm added to my parent's insurance, they have 3 cars on their. I'm paying about 60 dollars/month for it. I'm 16, I live in a town not so big, low crime rate. I have a 4.0. I also went to this class about making smart choices that can lower my insurance by 15%. Approximately how much would it cost for me if I bought a 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse GT for $2500? This is in California.""
Searcy Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 72149
Searcy Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 72149
How much will insurance rates go up for hitting a parked car?
I accidentally hit a parked car and there is a lot of damage to my car (paint, door won't open) and minimal damage to the other owner's car (slight tear on rubber bumper) how much will my rates rise?""
Motorcycle Insurance for 17 year old?
I am 17 and have a gsxr 600. I want to register it and insure it so i dont have to worry about being chased anymore but my current insuarnce company wont allow me to insure and register the bike without a licensed motorcycle operator. I am the only one whos rides so how am I supposed to insure my bike for a motorcycle permit? I also live in Connecticut. I'd appreciate some advice and maybe some insurance companies that have different policies. Thanks
How much car insurance a month for a 16 year old?
I live in the state of Louisiana. My family has Progressive. I plan on driving soon.
How much money would insurance cost for a 16 year old boy with a 1982 dodge ramcharger?
i have allstate and i was just wondering if anyone new. and a ramcharger is a big truck/suv
How much should a family budget for insurance?
disability,life,homeowners,car,umbrella""
What does a term life insurance medical exam consist of?
And what companies do people recommend.
Classic car for a teenager?
Coming up to my 17th birthday soon and i need to buy a car. The sort of car i like is the plymouth cuda 1970 opel manta 72 ford cortina 72 chevy 69 So that kind of muscle car look. However being a teenager i am limited to what i can drive. What would be a good buy and something i can get insured on. Hope you can help Thanks :)
I am retired federal employee & want info on car insurance rates?
I am retired federal employee & want info on car insurance rates?
Cheapest Car to Buy & Insure?
Hi, I am 28 years old and looking to purchase my first. What are the cheapest cars with the cheapest insurance, anything a step above a bucket with four wheels is what I'm looking for, no aesthetics or fancy extras.""
What cars are cheap to insure?
What cars are cheap to insure for a 17 year old male living in the City? Like what brand and what specific car? List me a few. Thanks
Liability insurance for massage therapist?
I will be getting my massage therapy license in about two weeks...if I work for a spa, will I need liability insurance? Or will my employer cover me?""
Car insurance?
I got my license 2 weeks ago and I am getting a car this week. What insurance company would you recommend that I go with? Progressive, Gieco or AIG. If you have any others, feel free to throw it out there.""
Best Job description for a full time eBay seller? (For car insurance quote)?
I'm about to renew my car insurance but need to find the most appropriate and accurate job description for my trade. I am self employed as a soul trader (UK) and my main income is achieved through making small hand crafted items (mostly material based) and sell them on eBay. So far I've been using the job description of 'artist' In the 'manufacturing' industry, but I was wondering if there was a more accurate one on the standardised job description list?""
Where can I find the cheapest auto Insurance in NJ?
I trying to find insurance that is not expensive does anyone know where I can go to get this?
How do speeding tickets affect your insurance?
i received a 81 dollar ticket and lost 2 points last friday. im 16 and i was driving my moms car. the car is in her name and so is the insurance so since I got the ticket how will it affect my mom's insurance? i am not on the insurance nor on the title for the car.
Will my insurance rates go up because of my dad's ticket?
My dad got a speeding ticket tonight. I am under my parents car insurance, but I still pay myself and they bill me directly, but because there are three cars under the policy it cost less for me and that is why I choose to be on their policy. I own my car. But will my premium go up now because of his speeding ticket?""
Do lamborghini doors increase your insurance?
Also does a 2 door, 2 seat also increase the insurance cost?""
Tips for cheap car insurance?
Well, I just got my MOT back and it is alot of money, I was MOt'ing to sell because i couldnt afford the insurance. The MOT is going to cost me Half of what tjhe car is worth. So I am going to keep the car MOT it and use it. SAo is there any good tips to get cheaper insurance. I'm male 17 and recently passed (considering pass plus).""
""My monthly car insurance payment was due 1 day before i had an accident. i have been paying on time,?""
been paying on time, but hadnt made this one. I'm I covered?""
""Car insurance...Extending coverage, no matter who you let drive your car?
I heard there are car insurance companies that will extend your coverage to other people who drive your car. What companies do this? And is there a catch ? Thanks.
How much will it cost to run a car in the UK (17 Years Old)?
I know insurance is a good 4-5k but how much does it cost to run (Fuel, Etc.) I have a job and I work about 15 miles away.. I drive about 100 miles a week and I work for 5 days during the week. Any help will be appreciated!""
If I were to start an in home daycare... where is a good place to buy affordable liability insurance in CA?
If I were to start an in home daycare... where is a good place to buy affordable liability insurance in CA?
""Could $5,000 cover the healthcare insurance premium for a family?""
If McCain's credit becomes reality, doesn't it seem logical that a major healthcare provider would put together an affordable health insurance package for the credit amount and market the heck out of it? Obviously, it won't have all the bells and whistles, but people would be covered. There is the issue of the tax on the premium, but it still seems like a good idea. This link was interesting - it describes both plans clearly: http://money.cnn.com/2008/03/10/news/economy/tully_healthcare.fortune/""
People are force to pay for car insurance but been force to pay for health insurance is a problem?
You get fine for not having car insurance, car will get impounded, n you can go to jail for it also. Where is the logic here?""
How will this affect my CAR INSURANCE?
Hi, I recently drove my dad's 2005 Infiniti G35 into a ditch. It was a rainy day and I lost control. There was no apparnt cosmetic damage but around 3500 dollars damage from hitting one of the wheels on a hard object as well as a torn gas tank underneath. There were no other vehicles involved. Im 18 and have no previous records or offences. Im going back to University residence soon so I'll be taken off the insurance. I was wondering if my parent's insurance rate would increase even though im not listed?""
Searcy Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 72149
Searcy Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 72149
Cheapest car insurance?
Does anyone know the best deals around for third party fire and theft? The quotes I have been given are ridiculous compared to last year, I'm sick of shopping around having to keep repeating the details then to find that the quote is as bad as the first! Thanks Guys if you can recommend....""
California low income health care aid?
just 18, college student, family currently on medi-cal am i still covered? is it until age 21? what are the ones that allow parental coverage until age 26? what changes will occur to the california healthy families and medi-cal programs with Obamacare? recently received letter putting me in emergency coverage only what does this mean to me and what i am covered for?""
In wreck in oklahoma with out insurance what wil happen to me?
was in wreck with out insurance there were people hurt what could happen to her?
""What are the medical tests, i have to go for insurance?""
what are the medical tests,i have to go for insurance, please provide a link if possible""
Is it mean to cancel the kids' health insurance?
I pay for all of the health insurance through my job, including his. I told hime that he has 15 days to some for himself and 30 days to get some for the children. He thinks that is a horrible mother because it would all cost me $300 a month but it will cost him $1200 per month. He make 260K per year. I make $70K He he moved out and got involved with someone else. Why should it be free to destroy your family? I really should have done this four months ago when he moved out.""
OMG my insurance is over 3 grand and that was the cheapest?
has anyone got a dd or driving with no license or insurance and then got a license ??? who did you insure with? i cant pay them prices!!!!hellllp.........
Dental insurance..?
Hi, i am a student so i do not have much money. I am living in Melbourne, Australia. I would like to know if there is an affordable health insurance that cover dental needs. I need to remove my 4 wisdow teeth and also i would like to put some braces...but i can not aford it. Would an insurance be worth in this case?""
Would my insurance go higher if the car is leased?
If a car is bought by full price, would my auto insurance go low or high?""
How much does it cost a car insurance in NYC?
not a new car
Which Car Insurance is Known to have the Cheapest Quotes/Rates?
Looking for a car insurance company that's a little easy on a 20 yr. old's pocket.
Insurance quotation question?
hi my car was recently hit from behind by a third party at the time my brother was driving using his own insurance everything has been sorted out by the insurance company's do i need to declare this on any future car insurance quotes?
Insurance in college?
My mom tells me that you have to go to college directly after high school in order to stay on your parents' insurance plan or you get taken off and have to work full-time to get insurance. However, my question is if you get a job after high school and get insurance for yourself and then decide to go back to school a year later can you get back on their plan.""
Car insurance?
How much is insurance going to go up if you had 2 accidents under the time of 3 months. First accident wasn't our fault but second was.
Does My Car Insurance cover me to drive any car?
I got stopped by the police today for driving a car that I bought a week ago which was not registered on the MID. Although I have fully comprehensive insurance on my other car is there a way I can get away showing cover on this vehicle(even if it is just 3rd party) Sadly the police seized my vehicle and now I face 6 points on my license and a 200 pound fine. Any useful tips to get out of this? p.s I am In London UK.
Is there some program California State offers for people who can't afford health insurance?
I lost my job a couple months back. I am receiving unemployment, and that is just enough to pay all my bills with about $20 left over. Is there any program the State of California offers for people who are in my situation?""
How can I keep my car insurance policy if I sell my car?
Is there a way that I can keep my car insurance policy active for a low monthly payment if I sell my car and plan to buy another one next year? I don't want to cancel my policy due to all the goodies I get, so cancelling will make me a new customer when I try to get insurance again. Has anyone experienced this situation before? Thanks.""
Health insurance in NY state for pregnant women?
I just graduated with a bachelors degree, and my student health insurance runs out in August. The health insurance offered by my husbands job (which won't open up to me until Jan.1 anyway) considers pregnancy a pre existing condition, and won't cover it. We have been searching for affordable plans, but the only ones we have found that will cover pregnancy aren't accepted in New York state. For all the plans offered in NY that we've been able to find, none cover pregnancies in progress. I would hate to have to use the state provided health care plan for pregnant mothers (mostly because I feel like there is no reason for me to be part of a government program when we are capable of paying for our own insurance, but also because it means we have to go to specific clinics and I won't be able to keep my doctor), but there is no way we will be able to cover all the costs of a birth, especially if for some reason I need a C-Section or the like. Can anyone give me some advice, especially as it relates to the NY state health plan for pregnant women?""
Whats the best kind of car to get cheapest insurance for first time driver under 25?
Whats the best kind of car to get cheapest insurance for first time driver under 25?
How much would I pay for the Insurance Renewal?
I recently had a car accident with my brand new 4WD vehicle. The front part were badly damaged and is now in the manufacturer's garage. Good thing I didn't get any physical injury as the vehicle's air bag went off just on time and my comprehensive insurance will cover for the agency repairs. My question is, assuming that I'll never encounter another major accident for the next 11 months, how much(more or less) would I pay for the vehicle's insurance renewal next year after it has been assessed by a qualified individual. As early as now, I want to have an idea how the insurance company will compute for my insurance renewal and what are other factors do they consider say I paid them around $1,300 for this year's fee. I hope someone could give me an idea re insurance renewal and other pertinent info re this matter.""
Who sells the cheapest motorcycle insurance?
Who sells the cheapest motorcycle insurance?
Do I need a license for a 150 cc scooter in Indiana?
Do I need a license for a 150 cc scooter in Indiana?
I got a ticket for haveing a expired drivers licence how will this effect my insurance rates?
The only ticket given was for the expired drivers licence. does that effect the insurance? im not sure cuz it does not mean i am a bad driver. anything will help! need to know fast. and i am in wyoming if that makes any differance.
Which cars are cheapest to insure?
I've had some problems in the past and my insurance is through the roof. I'd like to finance a car, but I don't want to have to rob banks to afford it. Does it cost different amounts to insure cars? Which are on the cheaper end of that spectrum?""
Car insurance $6000!?!?!?
I'm 18 years old, have a clean driving record, and i drive a 2007 honda civic coupe. My name is insured on my parents honda pilot and lexus 350(suv). For some reason my insurance (for myself only not including famly) is around 6000. is this right? i'm under AAA and they said its going to be this expensive with any insurance company. I have 2 way coverage and and $250 deductable. Can someone name some other company that charges significantly less with coverage and a deductable just as good. Links and sources would be appreciated also""
Car Insurance?
Can anyone recommend any cheap insurance companies? Thanks in advance. :)
Searcy Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 72149
Searcy Arkansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 72149
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/aaa-auto-club-insurance-quote-roger-torres/"
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la-mise-en-abime · 7 years
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my heart yearns for you, i never wanted to be comic, i always thought it would be better to be funny in real life and not have to muster it and waste it on stage, and have people be surprised when you weren't as funny in real life, i always found that dissapointing when it happened to me, like that person was an apparition of themselves an empty shell. And wow I've come to realise how sad this existence is, or maybe its just the pattern of believing in your self, there are certainly dips. my heart yearns for you and i think fuck, was i supposed to have gone with you, was i supposed to have been all these things, what if we’d never met. I hope I can separate myself from you and form my own being, we were growing together and were not growing apart yet but maybe i need a change. This year has been weird, so wonderful, and so weird, and now maybe i am feeling the repercussions of your change, i am really feeling what you are feeling as one amoeba, we obviously share a bladder that has been said before so the urinary tract is suffering, but it hurts to feel your mundainity, it hurts to see you in your ordinary pain, your extraordinary pain in your ordinary life, it hurts me to think maybe you are not special, you are not just a special magical spelll that has reeked havoc on my life and make me question what holes i want it in. You are special, but if the world doesn’t notice so and treats you like shit i wont stand by it, ill stand with you, im sure what else I can do, will do. I dont want them spreading. our message so falsely for their own gain, i dont want coffee drunk over us and laughed over us, at our expense and sexual fetishes and smiles and dimples and rude finger gestures and shrugs and pleas and questions and examinations and cuts and bruises and cuts and no questions and spit in your face. Id rather not that thank you, id really rather not. I dont care what i am, just in relation to you always in relation to you. omg the fucking car alarm wont shut the fuck up, please shut the fuck up screaming like a fucking attention seeking cunt shut up, thank you. I was scared they would rape you, im still scared they will rape you, and i dont wants o be subtle anymore, I m scared they will fist you and put things inside you and pull your trousers down and laugh and bend you over a car and fuck you and fuck you hard, and im scared i want that, no i dont but I can imagine it vividly, has it happened somewhere in my memory before. I remember crying very hard over that film boys dont cry in tigers arms, sobbing and gasping like when i used to have tantrums, once a huge one in a video store andi couldn’t breathe i was crying so hard, and my dad said, T everyone can hear you, look they're all looking at you, take a deep breath and bap bap bap like fish inhale all that air and exhale very slowly, (later he said so your mouth looks like an asshole) but fuck those people that were looking at me he just shouldnt have made me fucking cry and it felt good and distressing to cry that much.
when we first met, the first night i called you she so many times when i was talking about you to other people, i had to keep correcting myself like i had terrets or something (that fucking car alarm) she, he, she, he, she, he. You didn't realise you have subsequently told me, but i rememeder it clearly, i was so drunk I could nt get it right, and you were the first trans person i had met knowingly, when you first told me you joked it about it, that seemed to be your method at the time, haha yeah, im basically just becoming a teenager, im about 13 in T years, i was like who is this creature who is telling me this there was subtle tone of vulnerability in how you explained it as if to say please accept this floating skin of myself that rests just above our heads, any sudden movements will frighten it off and i complied with this thing in front of me, kept it floating warily above our heads, as i fell in love with you. but your smile was golden, you were soft like the butches i had seen before, that negative space you *cant couldn’t touch where femininity and masculinity come close but don’t touch. the softness of fat under you shirt and the way you sweat and knowing there was something vulnerable in your pants, something I knew so much of and also nothing. this was stepping into another realm. I felt almost ashamed as if i was leading you on and you were so shiny and soft I knew you wanted more, but i was scared of you. i think i was terrified. of what you represented.
i was so scared of getting it wrong I did the most research ever before i met you again. how to give a clit orgasm , trans porn, top surgery, bottom surgery, fucking buzz feed all to find you somewhere, but you weren't there, you were new born, fresh into this world, thats why it felt like a lie, its affects creep up on you and for a long time you are lying to the world and proving it and i knew so much yet i would blow on your skin and, nothing. as i see you then you were more of a man than ever so pushed into a box, as so much of it is, to parade something you cant even have the grasp of to explain, to someone, your grounding on this earth in a matter of facial muscles and sounds originating from the mouth and lines and lumps in the right place flattened down that could have restricted your breathing as we slept and i said how lovely your back was because you wouldnt take it off you. Wouldn't let me see you like that it could have killed you in your sleep left me kissing a dead back i cant I cant. So for a while I could have been your fairy. your keeper even your comforter i did not exist because you did not hold me back, give yourself to me and**** i asked you in the dark of night do you like being licked out, do you like getting oral sex, do you use dildos, where do you not want me to touch, i thought you didn't want me to put my mouth there because it was wrong, it was weird, overgrown stump of what a pearl was, oh how i was wrong and you loved it and i too, i thought you might want me to suck on that appendage that innocent bystander that plastic thing that was never asked if it wanted to go in the dark place alone with no light, want me to lick it and suck it and look up at you while i did it like in the films, cause i would have done anything to get you off, and i did, but you let me put the overgrown pearl in my mouth let me pull it and suck it and let it rithe in my mouth furry stubborn pearl rolling on the sea bed, under bed under my tongue it would grow and wither and chip into my head visions of another world where I had never been and we would have to take an underground river to get to.
i remember the night it happened in that small space we called a bed the squeaked and the heating sounded like it was having a hight pitched breakdown, i was going to party that was prom themed and dressed up with lipstick over my top lip and all around my mouth and a wig and a dress and the whole time i was getting ready i was thinking of it happening, i was terrified i was going to get it wrong, id never done it, what if i would never get it right cause it wasn't the right genital substance for me, what if it was embaressing and i would have to go home with my tail between my legs not a true lesbian, straight person, person of lesbian tendencies, individual or something, someone that could not give another person what they both wanted to be given. i dont know I really didn't know, all I knew was that i looked fucking brilliant, and no one else was dressed up as per usual, so fuck them, and it gave me that sense of brilliance that everyone is judging you and you dont care.
and now they tell me a changeling is an old fairy that takes the place of a human baby an old stubborn baby that clings onto life promising its youth to all those around it that makes more sense when i call you a changeling when i call you a changeling that has been swapped at birth if only you didn't have a belly button or you had two sets of eye lids, or a second skin, but you do have strange belly button piercing from another life well say its an alien marking it i like putting my finger in it so hairy and soft and i get stapled in the mind when i know you were a teenage girl, and it turns me on and it scares me you will see that in my eyes. it makes sense that the old fairy would have seen the land and its folds to have a sense of knowing the cradle is where it should reside for the rest of its days not shuffle along in the mud with fairy toes all wet. you told me to put my toes in the sand, it felt so wrong and like they were being licked that time, in Edinburgh, a large man in an animal state licked my toes and it felt so good i let go of everything, but it comes so natural to you , to look at the sea and see answers, im almost playing to your state so you feel more comfortable in your natural environment if i am repulsed. the way people do that sometimes in order to appease the other, was it unnatural for me not to be amazed, you do annoy me when you are that pure(goldstar). i look as if i have corrupted you from your chosen path, perhaps you will go back there someday, back to the beach and think of me and you'll be at home cause i wont be teasing you, you'll be done with London and its cruel ways to spit you out with all your teeth and dreams, ill sit up in my high castle and be cold because of the drafts, without my human blanket.  my cold winter feet.
and i want to have your children as long as they are fizzy and rough and have no part in the world they will become hardened to. i want there to be a way, a way that men with answers will give them to us and let me stop googling humiliating shit like can two eggs make a embryo, this is the age of fake news and i dont want to be a fucking victim. (of it) I want the soft place between us soft shell air socket between us to be full with potential and not lacking in our minds because of what ever we've been told needs to be there to build a life. i want it when i rub on the top of your clit, tiny boner, source, of rivers, slowly when you sit on me to really be you inside me or you transporting something in the air to me you don’t have to be inside me i am clever enough, imaginative enough to receive a wish of will. this way is better is better it is this way is better and better for me to lay my body on the sidewalk and shout for it to be this way ill disgrace myself to hold your hand.
its funny the words we use to communicate to each other i call you bitch and slag and squeal at you in the morning i shout in a mad face that the bombs are coming get down the bombs are coming and i tickle you and hit you when you dont hide your face into the cover, i like the helpless tickling noise, your gasping for air and your fucking smile is so framed in everything i could ever ask for. I think im like my dad like that when he screams little baby bird baby bird and picks you up like a child with the body of a huge 50 year old henry the 8th look a like. i dont want anyones approval but it hurts to know some soft states cant be translated into other states some things cant be grasped or explained.
we like to scream bitch after saying things because its like the cartoon rick and morty character who is the nightmare man, that was what got me through the break up and you lay on my lap as we watched, and i sunk my sad claws into that screen hoping the half an hour episodes would sink into one another and back into the whites of my eyes into my brain i could see us watching but i couldn't feel it, but the feeling was slowly coming back like after you burn your fingers with ice cream.
/
im sorry if you are hurt I had to do it i needed to be selfish well all die alone theres nothing more to say i couldn’t put it into words, i am scared of what is coming of the eyes of others im scared I will blame you for what i have doubts. you let me take you there i feel like the guy, there is no guy and I am becoming more comfortable in this position against your skin you can tell when people have copy and pasted ideas im self conscious of your knowing of my lust of your knowing of my want to penetrate you im conscious of my eagerness to do this and im conscious of what this could mean and could not. Im conscious of your body next to mine in the dark room im concious of the splinter in my finger im conscious i must be with out you. Im conscious of my memories past and how they build this encounter how i must hold back things from your view and bring others into the light but they are all there waiting to be shown it is for me to divide(decide). i am concious of you in the dark room when I see the man cry at the sound of a lovers voice from years past i feel the weight of his pain and i cry infant(infront) of you in the dark room full of people, they dont know this they dont understand like i have and i come out the cinema see the shadows of people in my way did they see what i saw i could not believe they were they they do not feel the same they are frauds, I make a swift exit to the toilet so as not to be taunted by these shadows, what is this face i see on leaving the huge and empty lonely *discabled toilet we blush at each other we know who the other is and cannot express the name of the other our mouths are forming round the name both struggling to admit this is happening(the other has a name) both blushing both full with what is delirium from all the crying shed in the dark room the evil son dark species feeder comes out the * bathroom to greet us he too is bleeding red blush and eyes and nose do twist and curve into some uncomfortable shape to fu/fill the space where words should be, and none of us can detect any.
you ask me how i did it. and i think of their mouths on each others genitals for a flash second as they stand close enough to kiss and i think better put that to bed my love. you ask me what did i do. She's taller than I thought im a fucking child a well mannered fucking child the fact my face has been near a dick makes you want to slit my throat, but i cut my tongue off and gave it to you for christmas. i say i sucked my fingers and put them places, and all i want to do is feel and to be shown the different avenues of experience. Im sorry i made that gesture people did it at uni those cuts across the arm in the air a razor blade wiped clean every time wrapped up and hidden in a draw like a battle field my love like a war torn landscape. i fucking hate those people i dont know i could strangle them for their inanety for their very wretched existence on this planet.
of the splinter in my finger at close glance microscopic slow motion as a pick it from my finger and its still sore is there still something in there i will never get out i will always copy in my actions to others be a wooden
fuck the egg fuck the egg fuck the egg and they were all so strange and i was so strange in their company as i am in the meetings of strangers it it where i find myself i find myself there it is my true self when i making things up and there is an atmosphere not yet made but worth polluting and his mother was dying and he saw a drag queen make an omelette and i made my excuses from my lack of anything and you were on a chopping board waiting to be chopped and i was in the hill in the suburb of my mind in my fear of the rape of the suburb and my filming of the fish in the shop window in the night of the suburb* and my mothers words were strong and definite this is something that will affect you and you are lost i am lost lost lost i know it was a losing game to say it was what i could handle was funny and I was laughing as i tried
filming things to take back to you of my existence the evidence of my existence and the world that you could not see. parcels of light
so poorly filmed camera angles all blushing with love
Id love to have been there in that moment, frying pan on the go, quite allot of fat, like chicken breast, must be nice to eat feed someone something from your own body. penis
im sorry i was full when you wanted to fuck me. Tomorrow we are going to dinner with your family, i will have to behave like i have to, no hands under the table touching you as we eat, it will be hot, suffocatingly hot and ill have to concentrate on what i am eating not eating you
did i hurt you did i make you bleed? i wish id recorded our conversation, and ill have to read this book again and again as its urgency describes the urgency for us to be described. You said it made you open that those boundaries were closed for so long, you've been alive for a long time, no ones ever been in there no person or thing, you must really like me, for letting you do that, my bodies like what are you doing things dont go in there only come out, whats that we like it, oh i suppose we should give it a try. its not something i can describe yet this feeling of you opening up to me, i knew all along you would like it. it makes me drowsy watching you getting turned on suffocating under my hand, you want it and im going give it to you im gonna take it away and put it back in , im touching you where you've never been touched it might as well not existed you didn't exist before this moment soft in my hand and wriggling in my fist, im holding you there i wont let you go ill give you everything you want to get there ***im deep inside you i can feel your pain that something has expanded and been washed away with the penetration and skin on skin that soft place between your hip and lower thigh that could still be a babies limb(thigh) that night i spoke to a butch about being a bottom and she told me sex is just looking at someone just imagining things are there that aren’t and everyone gets fucked in every hole and space that wants it when you have not spent your life in the corners of others peoples eyes ducking from sight and fucking, would you have put things inside yourself when you were younger did you just bleed and then stop and then bleed and then stop did your blood stain the sheets did you feel like a hole like an opening to be spread across the floor and sucked from someones fingers(in a jar), to be spread across the floor, did your dad smile at you and tell you not to have seconds did he have seconds is he an asshole does he think about your vagina swelling as it does with the months of injecting vials  T /of pleasure/ straight to the blood supply supplying an ever growing (cock) clitoris, you said id fucked you into a coma, i want you to sleep in my lap all day, you cried and my hands were wet when i put them on your face, your got my cheeks wet you fucker (asshole) i was saving them for a rainy day, you said you lived on one floor you said 2 women lived in your house that were sisters and never spoke did your blood stain the walls did your blood stain the walls can i eat it can i lick it from your wounds when we fuck with the jock strap on and its covered in blood it makes me think of your blood and if there was a gash between your legs a severing you apart if you will fall apart and break in half and stain the floor as i drag you across the room , can i lick it from your wounds your soft and gutteral wounds so soft like petal flesh someones cut them and theyre bleeding from your plastic appendage theres blood on your clit but im sucking it, still blood there.,wont let me inside cause of the invisible blood there, it will be there for a while trickling down, the war on your body, the thighs of a child, i touched you in a place you hadn't heard of hadn’t translated into the language coudlnt understand the cuts dont like holes skin didn't prick pickle, ulcerus skin would let anything in barriers up it hurt me when i wasn't allowed in felt like heteronormativity without the pain of boredom but a line not to be crossed but things not to be stroked or kissed or licked let me hold you in the night now I've held you and broken you and something floats inside me if only they were to know, could you be pregnant with my wanting ?
have you been spending allot of time with your parents because you know they are going to die soon, i am lonely, i need to spend more time alone, it makes you more lonely when you cant remember the last time you were alone i really would’nt know who i was if i got married now.
i like fucking you in the ass, it really gets me off, really gets me off, really turns me on really makes me want to be inside you inside your whole core cant
i am dancing in slow motion to your voice, i am filming myself dancing in slow motion to your voice, i am cutting something up while listening to your voice, i running round in circles listening to your voice, i am on the floor crying listening to your voice, i am holding myself tightly listening to your voice, I am shouting over the sound of your voice trying to make myself louder, i am hungry for you voice, i am ashamed by the space between us, i am hungry for your voice, I am holding a floor/flower for your voice, i am listening to your voice drunk with my fingers in my ears, i am drinking shots to the sound of music timed listening to your voice,- man be cool i am frying an omelette listening to your voice, i am feeling everything listening to your voice, i am feeding an audience member listening to your voice, i am surprised by myself listening to your voice, i am masc for maSCC listening to your voice, i am hoping you wont leave listening to your voice, i am wanting to throw things away listening to your voice, i haven't decided listening to your voice, i am miming along listening to your voice, i am copying you listening to your voice, i am speaking very slowly listening to your voice, i am oily listening to your voice
a happy accident might be to faint on the tube and on coming round see your face, i find there is a null space between writing of words and the performance it is to panic that one is not right that one is not enough to parallel the other, to say that what comes first what is the purpose of the speaking, how much effort should the speaking be to counteract the writing, did the writing come from an improv, how does one improv on their own, I will just have to talk to myself for the rest of my life, no the improv comes from an exercisee, starting small and fun and exploring it, not know or worrying as to where it might go, the same with writing, do you start with a goal in mind, well sometimes you have an objective but you go on a journey to get there and no decision is wrong just a manifestation from your head, nothing you could ever do if it was honest would be wrong honesty is the best policy but that doesnt mean you cant be honest and also be deceitful, be lying and be honest, be lying honestly, be copying honestly, it is a mixture of lies and truth this is performance, to use ones body as the bericle to which you tell the story or the thoughts from your brain just your very existence not he stage is radical enough, to even say one word or blink would be radical enough…
i am sad i think my father is lonely i cant see him now but can here his soft rummaging and weird noises down stairs he can scream like a mad man and is always performing his mad man routine which might infact be his personality, but like me he is just pushing the boundaries and likes to piss people off and make them feel uncomfortable, so it is sometimes hard to tell the difference, I am sad he is lonely because i cannot see him but i can hear him coughing now, and in the night, i can hear him snoring through the floor boards and i can see the snor s coming up through the air like fluffy grey clouds or waves, i am sad that he is lonely i cannot see him but i can see a dark blue space punctured with lights and that is what downstairs looks like until i go downstairs and i can see its real walls and light fixtures and i know this is the real corners not the dark corners, i think he is lonely as he asked me to go to the corner shop to get him a beer a Stella Artois and I am sad because i did not get it for him and now he is coughing he is in the sarcoughaus of the house he is under my feet i feel i am selfish i only speak to him when i want things i wish adults weren't so useless and they could tell you what was wrong like a plant or a shoal of tuna feels like stabbing in the dark into a shoal of fish trying to understand him
when I woke up i thought about your genitals how they might be wet on my face, i turned over and felt my body on the mattress, I thought had you ever done this, you never touched it when you wanked, you still dont unless you with me and were in the moment. i had a pervading fear you might leave me for another man, I watched men from your eyes, seeing them as unconquered land as something you had not tried never been touched by a man in all your years, apart from that hand job with your guitar teacher, i thought i hate that woman, i woke from a sleep of her me telling you couldn't watch it, it angered me too much, i couldn’t watch it was sickening and her fucking face i could cut it open
Soft wet thing doesnt make sense pear shaped blossom and soot covering the sides urinal polished unforgetting is it to touch another in your future, basin of doubt my mouth alludes me it goes to what has come before
(without sentence structure just using simile and metaphors and free writing compairison to do this )
I had another dream about someone else, i feel dirty im gonna have a shower, im scared your gonna change im scared your gonna leave me for another man, im scared of you have a life without me, i keep having dreams about her, every night, do i want to fuck her or am i taunted by her, im taunted by her by a past life of mine, she came to greet me and she had candy floss hair i looked a mess everyone was there and we went out and left everyone i just left for her pleasure
i get paid to be sensitive in the sensitive spot the wind touches my ankles and there nothing to do in the plain sight the pain sigh the plain sight that moves me i woke up with blurry vision am i going blind, i woke up and what i could see yesterday i can no longer see before i feels good to hold your self down to be fLat and shiny and full of a heart and skin and blood underneath to know a cut would open you up so easily to fail in the dirt failing to use your limbs to fall bewildered to go outside for once in your life have you been outside today have you have been outside today no so dont hurt me again with your stale cavity
you would growl at the man in the shop selling us peaches didn't know he had a tremor terret,s to growl not ideal for a corner shop being the only light in a dark world dark street moon time peach buying and it upset me and i thought of myself as a small child all small and childlikee as a small child when kids took it too far and you shrivelled up into your self, its when your alone with your pain, snowball in the eye water dripping from you eye in alone with myself for hours, all hazy in the background, background noise, sharp aliveness alive sadness with he dirty snow dripping from my eye or glass that i sat on, the worst would be to be maimed she said , to be maimed  would be the worst, to be maimed she said would be the worst, it was only a peach pit in my skull, but you wouldn’t want a 12 inch knife in your stomach sternum would you no you wouldn’t, a peach pit stone cutting the sides of your head off, shaving an inch from yours skull, its skill to laugh again after the impact, i felt child child again, plight of the hill and the peach pit in my brain it sunk in made its self known to me, known that it would not venture out, somewhere else a man was being cut open, known to me it would not venture out, it would not venture out and to expect something of the thing before it reaches its thing hood is foolish to expect something fo the thing is foolish, is foolish when a peach pit has embedded itself into its skull sorry to be a senstitve being, sentiive in the cool of the night air, as we cross the road to avoid cars we think might kill us, where everything is the height of the wind as the rain is about to fall, as temperaturee falls, it stayed with us all night, that stone worked its way out (but that stone did not work its way out)
shouting from a place of honesty, to unravel it would take its secrets away, it was a sigh in the mind, it was my sweat on your forehead, it was something happening far away, it was that peach pit of cruelty
why did i keep eating them bending lower and lower to my fait. my knees are the first to go, too weak for what they will
its when your alone with your pain, glass in my upper thigh near the places you choose to be cut open, involuntarily penetrated and loneliness is death and i have a scar there and its when your alone with your pain
, an men described as mediateranine colouring what ever the fuck that means hindered bodies with
i am so angry at you i am gone with anger I am gone i could have made the thing and blasted it into your face i could have made the thing and blasted it into your face watever you fucking cunt go lick the dogs arse i hate you and your fucking cuffling laugh and the way you look at me when you disapprove maybe i need to be more accepting thats my fault but i could hit you right you you fucking sucker go lick the dogs arse shut up ill say goodbye and not kiss you how do you like that if only it didn't fold back on me you /dont know me at all you are fitting things into the past what you used to say what you used to think you dont actually think that anymore dont let the shit they say grind you down thats a cliche go lick the dogs arse I am full with so many voices and none of them are yours  you sucker go lick the dogs arse the words you say are empty vaccums i do things for you im self entitled i want to get it wrong i do things for you im self entitled i want to get it wrong i want to be excited instead im scared i want to get it wrong go lick the dogs arse
i couldn't hate you for long, but did you hate me forever, soaking up my life, is this sharing is this toll sharing, does it hurt you too,
it comes from the soul
wind hots the window suds like a bee dying
duality of eggs and blood
Bred into my womb
to find the details and tell your story
a film from my perspective as a stalker to you
hey fossil fuel, dirty ribena, slime mould, sea potato, Ursula le Guin, get in my mouth please peasant testicle tentacle put you to sleep eat you to your heart, peace be with you, bible passage for your grandma, Eccles cake for you pegging, naked with a cap on, dim light of the room a memory not to be forggoten and then i devoured you and then i devoured you and then i devoured you and then i devoured you cherry pip cherry core cherry cherry sticks and cherry more. Lychees at the cinema a hidden satsuma grapefruit lips fruit is expensive
im worried my dad only exists in my kitchen
im proud that you told them there is something else a Zara sales assistant wouldnt get it you were trying to tell her there was a void in the floor that she could fall into this gaping hole sucking the air out the room just a dash from razor on someones face wouldnt tell it to them straight give them enough warning of their ignorance there was a hurricane a whirlwind approaching she better get her fucking brolly - probably sum it up in one sentence.
into a massive void that was shaking all the
in those slow motion moments under the lights as the corners of your body touched mine tacky red paint and screaming
in that surreal slow motion
the less im with you the more I hate you for not sugaring my existence
Iit will all pass so grab it now
it was your gold star!!
my hands smell like celeriac but this morning they smell of your scent from inside your thighs where the humming birds sing, where i laugh at our fathers for not knowing we have that scent on our fingers as we talk to them
Ilike that man who kept getting ups nd putting his hat back on
when your full with cum and adrenalin you cant feel the pain
the metaphors the rising cultures
i am funny and you are funny and in the end i think its all going to be okay
to make a real effort to smile and not put my hands under the table.
the smell of cigarettes Monday morning
do they mix the ashes and dead bodies with the food
seeing that fruit stall and thinking that was where you were mine but i was not yours
i was your baby and i used to suck your chin
Never yours
Theres a man bow legged and he's walking, did his mum know not to wrap him round her chest like that so his legs would grow in the shape of her love and rib cage
the ground is lavender, looks like lichen, bluebells maybe just floating above the grass, a hat, a bonnet of flowers
i pass blisets where the man speaks in burps
throat cancer has made him funny without realizing
we walk along and our our knees in the right place?
we use sticks, we use plastic wheeled things, i am late, we use stealth, accents and alter egos, i channeled into a man selling big issue suddenly i am Liverpudlian so he recognises me as his own and forgives me for no money
she grows it but it looks better short
im late and bins line the pavement
i woke up in shock this morning and apologised in my sleep
Reeds
they will cut it off soon
film haircut march poem pics love
funny watch
even though can is hilarious
i fancy people who look like they've been found under a rock.
i rip my hair our its pieces
i am holding back
from every circle of my life
shame theres no poppies just unruly black hairs vying for attention
my love
not in our forehead or fingers
it is your ex girl friend
in awe of all the others creatures
i saw a bird with a ketchup packet
to call to each other reference each other tell each other things that are subconscious or just things. I call you bitch, the source, trans jelly, lichen, kitten , chicken tikka masala, midlands, it goes on. Im a rabbit in your keeping your your so small, smaller than me.
i hear you are on quest is that true? and you were born this morning, how is the world treating you? Im going to tell you some truths about the world.. have you learnt about hot and cold yet? Christmas trees have very short lives, sometimes the sun shines too much and you go red, you like icecream, you also like the beach and walking with your shoes off, you really like steak, cartoons and you are very kind.
the reason i cant really talk very clearly is because i have cut my tongue out and given it to you as a present.
I cut your tongue off and gave it to you for christmas.
ill cut an old woman face off and lay it in mine and scream like a goddess in battle as we sit on the tube cutting a mans head off with the slight of a blink in my fantasy that could be real if you will it.
if i had a 3d printer
i take you and i raise you to the highest peaks, dont bring us down.
and not spunk.
Middle ages people with their politics and booze that nor really fair i like them allot and they've livedI
as we have discovered a whole new worl
it feels great cause you know they are just particles of nothing and every part of your face is ——-gleaming.
boat to under the river where snails .
and ill nev
left me with a mound of flesh
for moths to come
my truth, my witty ex
Transface
Political nipples
Squirm
Beetle juice
Metamorphic
your such a tease
Tardigrade
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groundramon · 7 years
Text
...what kind of opinion would my characters have on nonbinary identities, and if none of them would already be bigoted towards the idea, can I make a character into the nonbinary equivalent of a bigot
these are the kinds of things my brain thinks about and because I have no self restraint, I’m going to answer for all of my characters (under a read more tag because this’ll probably get long)
also if you dont want to see my characters as anything other than all-loving and innocently liberal beans, then you mayyyy not wanna read this, but I mean I’m nonbinary/agender and I still love these guys regardless so //thumbs up
Mich, at any point within EOTP’s story, doesn’t even know nonbinary identities are a thing.  I’m sure he’d eventually hear about it somewhere, but he probably would just dismiss it as some internet fad and not think twice about it.  If he was presented with the idea and had it fully explained to him, though, I dont think he’d quite understand it.  Mich probably would learn not to be transphobic/homophobic because Llabu is gay and trans (have I said that officially before? idk but it’s official now) and wouldn’t put up with his shit, but obviously more people know about transgender mtf or ftm people than nonbinary people and Llabu probably wouldn’t bother explaining it to him since it doesnt concern her and she may not even agree with the sentiment, who knows.  So yeah, he just wouldn’t understand it.  But Mich also doesn’t like pissing people off, so if he knew someone who was nonbinary and didn’t respond to he/him or she/her pronouns, he’d probably just avoid using pronouns with them altogether.  If someone took the time to gently walk him through it, he might warm up to the idea, though; Mich does lean liberal politics-wise, and depending on how interested he got into social rights, he may or may not also gain a respect for nonbinary identities.
Sarah’s in the same boat as Mich; she just doesn’t know what they are, and probably wouldn’t care to try and understand them.  Like Mich, she isn’t intentionally going to go after people who identify as nonbinary and harass them; she just doesn’t understand it.  UNLIKE Mich, she might still use binary pronouns for them, but if the person called her out multiple times then she’d finally get it through her skull to stop.  Also unlike Mich, Sarah doesn’t lean liberal (I dont think, anyways, but that may change) so she has less likelyhood of gaining respect for them later in life.  But she still wouldn’t care what people do in their own free time, so long as it doesn’t hurt others, so she wouldn’t hate nonbinary people or anything
Out of all the Oneiromon characters, it feels weird to say that Devin’s the one most likely to accept nonbinary identities.  I’m still trying to get a read on how he’d act when he’s older, but he seems like he’d have an interest in representing minority groups within the already-minority LGBT+ community (AKA nonbinary people, pansexual people, asexual people, ect) whether because that’s just the kind of guy he is or because he actually identifies as one of those things.  During the story he has no idea what the hell nonbinary identities are, though, but he’d be accepting of the idea if he was approached with it.
Llabu, well, I’m not entirely sure about her.  Given that she’s trans herself, it’d be kind of weird if she didn’t support them, buuuut on the other hand those kinds of people exist, so I mean...  I feel like she’d either support them in spirit but not actively orrr she’d be the harshest on them out of all the Oneiromon characters because she thinks nonbinary people give a bad name to “actual” transgender people.  Idk man, I dont WANT her to be anti-nonbinary but it feels like that’d be in her political views D:
And I’ll just say, for the rest of the revealed Oneiromon cast so far: Oneiromon are naturally accepting of nonbinary identities by nature, so Triopmon, Amp, Ron, Lily, Velvet, and Astrea (despite being a day old lmfao) all accept nonbinary identities as just as valid as any other gender.  Oneiromon identifying as nonbinary is still pretty rare, but given that gender is entirely a choice in the Oneiromon world and you can pretty much change it at any time, and they’re all born sexless anyways, they wouldnt have a problem with it.
Luce wouldn’t have a problem with nonbinary identities and would probably support them if asked, but not actively campaign for ‘em.  Luce also has his own problems so it’s possible he would be more passionate about it if he had any passion left in him at all.
Since Grace’s dad is bigoted to every LGBT+ identity because he’s a hardcore Christian, and Grace will do literally anything to spite her father, Grace would support nonbinary identities.  Not only would she just...not care...but again, she’d do anything to spite her father.  That’s not exactly being a good ally but it’s still...a thing...I guess
Shawn, out of all the characters I listed, would probably be the biggest advocate of nonbinary rights.  I mean, she probably identifies as a demigirl (given that she’s loosely based on 13-year-old me [who did technically identify as a demigirl but didn’t bother mentioning it because i used the same pronouns anyways] except more lovable and also smarter, even though Shawn is still a fucking idiot) but beyond that, she’d be a big supporter of equal rights for all sexes, races, genders, sexualities, ect.  She’s one of those people who put same-sex relationships on a pedestal, if thats any consolation (not “omg its so sinful aaaa im sinning1111″, but “omg theyre so cuuuute I’m going to ship everything gay even if they’re in a heterosexual relationship/the creator has flat-out said that they’re straight and not bi or pan”)  And she’d worship a character who came out as nonbinary in mainstream media tbh
Hunter’s uneducated.  Like Mich and Sarah, he wouldn’t really understand it.  But given that it means a lot to three of his friends, he’d at least try to understand it.  He wouldn’t succeed, but he would try, and would do his best to use the right pronouns.  He’d probably be that guy who fucks up all the time though, and apologizes a lot when you tell them that they used the wrong pronouns |D
Annnd finally, the last one I’ll write because holy shit its after midnight, Corey.   For some reason I feel like Corey’s saying “nah nah, enough with that made-up shit” when it comes to nonbinary identities, but I dont know w h y he’d say that.  Like, I dont know his thought process behind it; all the others just dont understand it, but I know Corey would be smart enough to comprehend it.  Maybe...he’d do it to try and fit in with Hunter’s friends?  I feel like Hunter’s friends would be assholes who say “lol nonbinary? what the fuck are those tumblrinas doing!!! XDDD” (I know I say stuff like that myself, but shhhhhh dont tell anyone) and Corey would’ve picked up on that overtime.  Corey would only actively attack a nonbinary person to make himself look cool.
And I’m not going to bother writing for my ever-expanding roster of characters for Majjikku or Branching Paths, mostly because they dont come from the human world and I’d have to work out more about their culture before I answered this question for ‘em.
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