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strawberry-lemonade-kisses · 1 month

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(4)

Warnings - Suicidal ideation, Abuse mentions, Injury, Child abuse mentions, mental illness.

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The day room was bustling with activity, everyone was energized after lunch and more awake than earlier in the day. The room was vibrant as everyone sat in a circle, a card game laid out in the middle for everyone to see. Although it started as an innocent game of go-fish it had quickly devolved into chaos as Tengen held 12 cards in his hands, the cards quickly piling up as everyone else lost more.

“Go fish” Kyojuro smiled brightly at the ever-frustrated Tengen as he picked up another card, mumbling under his breath about everyone cheating. Obanai was sitting behind you in an armchair while you sat on the floor with everyone else, he was silent, choosing to sit the game out after being seen by the doctor. He had come back with fresh bandages on his face and looked grumpier than usual so none of you questioned when he shook his head when asked to play.

“Alright Mitsuri, do you have any aces?” Sanemi asked the pinkette watching her facial expressions carefully as she looked at her cards, just in case. She shook her head

“go fish” he grunted, nudging Tengen to pass him a card to which the man handed one from his own hand. Sanemi’s brow furrowed as he glared at the man next to him

“Help me out man, just one? I have 13!” The group chuckled at the resigned sigh Sanemi gave before shoving the card amongst the others in his hand.

“Good afternoon everyone! We do have a couple visitors for you all, Y/N, Mitsuri, Tengen, and Kyojuro if you could follow me” One of the nurses who usually sat outside the day room behind the large rounded desk that overlooked the unit held a clipboard as she waved you guys over. Tengen was the first to abandon his cards and jump up. You and mitsuri followed behind. You were led to the same hallway of rooms as yesterday, pointed into your rooms, and left alone.

The room had the same layout as the one from yesterday, the same bland furniture and white walls. The only difference from yesterday was the occupants of the room. Your mom and dad sat across the metal desk, your mom’s teary face already shoved in tissue as you walked in and sat down.

“Hey, you look good kid” your dad started off, patting your mother's thigh. “You look like you’ve been sleeping and eating finally”

“They don’t give me a choice really” You grimaced at the thought of the stale hospital food and the eyes that watched every single bite you took. It was obvious who they kept the closest eye on though, the preset meals and the frequent protein drinks given to Obanai and Giyu simultaneously.

“Well hey, it’s got you eating and that’s better than we could ask for. How are you?” You shrugged, unsure how to answer. You missed home, you missed your bed with a real mattress and not the stiff pad on top of a wooden box. You missed your family and their jokes, the unrequited banter amongst each other.

“I don’t want to be here anymore, can I go home yet?” Your parents looked at each other, mouths parting in a silent conversation before looking back at you.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, not yet, they want you to spend a few more days here, get you a little better before they let you go home, we think it’s good for you, it may help more than we can” Anger was bubbling in your chest, weighing heavily on you as you contemplated your forced containment. You consented, yeah, but you only did that to make others happy, what about you? What about your feelings?

“No one can help me, I’m a lost cause, stuck here instead of at home. So thanks I guess, for sticking me here.”

“We didn’t-“ Your mother started but your father stopped her, the hand on her thigh squeezing for silence.

“It’s already helping, it's been 4 days and we were told you’ve had no panic attacks” You hummed not truly listening to what was being said and planning your escape from this meeting. You were trying not to lash out, feeling the discontent rising and the general anger at being stuck in here.

“Right, because that does something. 4 days of not one panic attack changes the entire course of history. Right. Why am I actually here? They told me I’m going to be outpatient, so why am I here with people who actually have problems?” Both your parents sat back, taking in your words, like they had the magic answer to everything.

“I don’t know, neither of us do. But I think it will be good for you” Your mother smiled, just the upward turn of her lips, not genuine, tense.

“Well if you're not here to take me home then what are you doing here?” the silence was tense, a desert of space between the three of you, like you had drawn a line in the sand and asked them to choose a side, knowing the consequences could be detrimental to your relationships.

“Y/N… We want you to stay and get better, we both think it would be better for you to experience this, and learn to cope with your anxiety and depression. You lack coping skills and it will help” There was that word again ‘cope’ you had heard it so much it began grating on your ears every time you heard it. You were coping, you had been coping since the beginning of the year, since your first panic attack at 10 years old, you had been coping, but sometimes it just wasn’t enough.

“Right. Anything else?” they both looked shocked at the malice in your words, dripping with anger and resentment.

“We just wanted to see you, check on you, and make sure you are doing well?”

“Swell, great seeing you guys, bye” You moved to get up, your mom jumping from her chair before you stood.

“I love you so much sweetheart, I know it's hard now but I don’t know how to help you anymore and I can’t lose you” She had wrapped you in a hug by the time you had stood fully, smothering you in the warmth of her hug, you couldn’t help but melt into the familiarity of it. The love of your mother was unlike anything else, this was the woman who had done everything for you and your sibling, standing tall in the face of so much adversary and hate. She stuck through a marriage, fighting to overcome betrayal while raising 3 children herself. She was a mountain all on her own and you had dug a crater into it, hollowing part of her out with your selfishness, only thinking of your own hurt and not seeing the obvious pain you had caused.

“Yeah, mom. I’ll get better. I’m sorry. I love you” You spoke back, wrapping your own arms around her until she finally let go, blinking away her watery eyes as she moved for your father.

“I love you, take care of yourself, you’ll be home soon” You had seen your father cry more within the past week than your entire life and it scared you, knowing you were the reason why. You didn’t always get along, his emotional absence during your childhood being a soft spot but he had kept you grounded while your mom became overwhelmed, he had talked you off the ledge multiple times and the things you said to him only 5 days ago, blaming him for so much when it wasn’t even his fault, it felt like a punch to the gut seeing the exhaustion on both your parents faces, the red that lined both of their eyes, you had done that and it felt awful to know. You nodded at your father, accepting his hug and letting it last as long as he would let you. As he pulled away you looked at them both, the automatic comfort your dad gave to your mom, the sad look on their faces, you had decided. You were getting better, no matter what.

The walk back to the day room was short but it gave you the freedom to peek into the children's day room. They were so small, too young to be in this room, to suffer untold horrors. Your eyes immediately found who you assumed was Kyojuro’s brother, the same flame-colored hair and overly bright smile for the conditions they were in haunted you. You crossed the front of the nurses station, heading towards your day room when you noticed the door labeled ‘m’ was open. In the middle of the room sat a younger boy, he couldn’t be older than 10 as he sat by himself, playing with giant plastic blocks, talking like he was having a conversation even though no one was around. His long black and blue hair was braided down his back, stopping at his waistline in a mixture of colors.

“I know what they said but I don’t mind, not everyone is nice.” He paused, looking up and staring off to the side, shaking his head before looking back down. “They are very pretty, but staring is impolite” He looked back up, foggy blue eyes locking with yours briefly, a splash of pink coloring his cheeks.

You didn’t stop any longer, knowing you would be chastised for not being in the day room. Everyone was back in the day room, lingering around or working on previous art projects. Obanai had been working on a 3-D puzzle since you had first arrived, the building was almost halfway done, the complexity of the puzzle baffled you and the patience he showed with it amazed you, it was the most you had seen him take interest in something.

“Did you talk to Muichiro?” As you sat at the table Shinobu, Kyojuro, and Kanroji were at Kyojuro looked up. Your head tilted in questioning. “The kid in the room, he’s schizophrenic. He’s a very sweet kid but for safety reasons, they have to keep him separate. Senjuro and him are close and he’s really polite, just kinda quiet.” So that’s who was talking to. You nodded

“He was talking to someone else. But I haven’t seen him since I arrived, I thought that was like a storage closet.”

“ah no, his parents are dead so his grandparents watch over him but they are quite old and are transferring him to residential. Senjuro was telling me they visit him a lot and they love him, they just don’t have the physical capabilities to handle him. It's sad but I think residential will be good for him” Everyone was humming in agreement, although Kanroji was hyper-focused on her art she couldn’t help but chime in.

“He called me pretty and said he liked my pajamas. I think I saw his grandparents arriving earlier. I hope they give him more stuffed animals though, I heard him asking about an alligator stuffed animal yesterday, I don’t see him a lot though.” She didn’t look up from the coloring book in front of her, highlighting the features of the princess she was coloring.

“How is Senjuro by the way, you got to visit with him?” Kyojuro lit up at the question

“He’s doing well! I guess a lot of the kids in their unit are from similar situations so it’s a very supportive environment for him, although he does have problems with one of the kids, I guess has some type of personality disorder, so the nurses have to watch him closely because he rammed his head into the walls last week until he bled, I guess he’s mean.” Kyojuro shrugged, not quite sure what to make of the situation but happy his brother was okay.

“That’s awful” Shinobu stated, leaning back to stretch. “How’d your time with your family go?”

“I feel awful for what I’ve done. I've hurt them so much, I was so mean to my dad a few days ago and I just regret it, I regret doing this.” Kanroji finally looked up

“I’m sure you couldn’t have been that bad” You shook your head.

“I told him it's his fault, I asked him why he suddenly gives a fuck and why he even bothered caring when he never has. But he has, I just never gave him the chance, I pushed him away. I’m the worst daughter” you sighed, feeling emotionally worn out. Everyone at the table gave you looks of sympathy, no one knowing what to say. “I’m gonna take a nap, this has been draining” You gave a half-hearted laugh, trying to break the tension at the table as you stood, retreating to one of the couches and stealing a blanket to curl up under, hoping to sleep away your guilt.

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