#now there won't be anyone except me

[chrisbangs]

hello... (and bye ig 👋)

#👋😭 hi... #i haven't come on in about a month and i didn't realize a month passed by like that... i've kinda stopped using any apps on my phone #i barely even talk to my friends anymore lol 😭 #i just saw my follower count this morning and realized i hit 13k and i was like 🥸 huh... #uhhhhhhh 😭 idk i wanted to say thank you i guess 🫂 #i'm done with stayblr and tumblr in general 😭 this much has been obvious for a while now... i tried to fit myself back in during 5star but #i think i realized i've outgrown the vibes here and in online spaces in general... i don't really enjoy it anymore 😭 which is weird cause #i've used tumblr since i was in middle school so 🫡 end of an era some would say... #i think it sucks because i don't have the same feelings about this place or skz or anything in my life right now... i tried to ignore it bu #it's so obvious now that the entirety of december passed without me really talking to a single person / without me using social media / #without me really doing much except for like homework and assignments lmao #i think genuinely i've stopped enjoying everything i used to like and i don't know why 😭 it hit me the other day bc i don't even enjoy #pc collecting anymore which is CRAZY considering how much time and money i've put into that hobby so 👋🥸 who knows what goes on #i haven't consumed any skz content since rockstar dropped 😭 and that also feels weird to me... idk... i would say maybe i'm going through a #depressive episode but i don't really feel how i do then... i think i'm just tired like i always am and that's just how i am now .. i think #i'm just not really interested in things anymore? weird but .. yeah idk😭 if i knew what was wrong i would Fix It sndjdndkd mostly i'm just #sad because i haven't been talking to friends... i keep ignoring everyone and not replying to any texts from anyone because ???? #i tell myself i will do it later but i know i won't ... idk i genuinely don't know why i'm struggling to talk to ppl anymore 😭 i've become #even more of a reclusive hermit than i already was 💀 and the worst part is i feel normal abt it #i don't feel /bad/ i just feel guilty that i'm not replying to ppl bc i don't want to hurt ppls feelings... on my end i feel Normal abt it #like i ??? is it weird that i'm so detached from everything that not even a month ago made me so happy..? that's weird right 😭 like idgi #i don't feel (as) depressed (as i usually do) but clearly ?? smth is wrong ?? like ik i'm not a clingy sentimental person but ? it kinda #makes me sad wondering if i really don't care abt ppl anymore ... but i think 😭 it's also the object permanence issues that come with adhd #not seeing or talking to the ppl i love . not doing my hobbies or seeing the groups i care abt . makes it easy to not care or forget what #they make me feel etc etc ... i get it... but idk 😭 if that's what this is . well wow it sucks ASS.. cause i feel guilty for not feeling #anything at all ... 😭 idk how to explain that HENSKDNISJS anywayyyy 💀 #i came on cause i wanted to say thank you for 13k followers 😭‼️ and that i probably will not be online anymore unless i really want to say #this was a really long winded way to say i feel bad but i'm done with stayblr fr 👋🥸 i tried so hard for the last 2 years to make it feel #like home again but it stopped ages ago so 🥹 that's ok.. i still cherish my memories here 🫂 anyway thanku and sjsjsksksks bye i guess 😭 #who knows maybe i'll enjoy it one day again and come back :') never know what the future holds 🫡

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[izzy-b-hands]

Gonna go on a reblog spree instead of making a stupid vent post abt the current frustrations (I am gonna talk abt them in the tags on this one tho so if you don't wanna see it, just keep scrolling.) Just a heads up and apology in advance for the mass of random posts that'll be all over the dash from me shortly.

#text post #don't even ask bc it's the same shit as always. job apps suck companies suck and don't actually want to hire anyone rn #what little money i get from the side gig stuff im doing is just enough to help pad our grocery fund but that's variable at times #nvm that the N s f w side gig has completely stalled for funds except for ad payments thank fuck for those #though I won't get a payout on those until they reach a stupid high threshold so. that's fun for me #i am. so fucking frustrated with existing and being alive right now and never ever ever fucking getting ahead no matter what i do #but i'll be over this in a few hours so. reblog spree time it is in the meanwhile #the joys of late stage capitalism and living within it i guess

[aamezish]

??!!??!!!

#i go to stores and stock maggi for myself and everyone takes advantage of my easy to lend nature #and then i dont have anything left for me #and i lied to this girl about not having any but i don't even know when she saw the newly bought packets #and had the audacity to say you don't wanna give me like yeah bitch you eat maggi like 10 times a week if you love it so much just stock it #anx now she know i won't give her so she asked her roommate to ask me and i got tricked i fuckinh hate her #im never borrowing maggi again to anyone except 3 of the people here #you think its a petty topic to get so mad on no girl im gonna revolt #ive had enough #winnie s gonna learn to say no and have that character development

[celestial-sapphicss]

.

#so i just finished s1ep2 of the bear (i don't really get it so far but ok) #and there's this scene where the main character calls up his sister and tells her about the mental shit that has been happening with him uk #and like even though this feeling is always there but lile i can't help but feel like my life would have been so much better with a sibling? #like one id have good relationships with uk??? #and ik ik found family and forming meaningful relationships outside is an option but like in this capitalistic individualist society? is it? #anyways that's not the point it's that there's always stuff no body in the world would get except people who grow up with you innit? #be it school or hometowns or families and it would have been nice to have someone help me not feel this complete overwhelmness all the time #and without me feeling like im exaggerating or thinking that the person would judge me or having to keep telling everything repeatedly #but then i think would that even matter when I am the one who's the problem and like can't work to form that connection with anyone????? #like i for the life of me cannot share anything beyond the surface level or without making a joke out of it #and it seems funny but i trivialise so much of the fucking shit that happens so obviously no one takes it seriously not their fault right? #and like how fair to my friends that i literally almost always been superficial and lowkey untrue with them in exchange for their honesty??? #at this point i feel like i don't even know what i truly feel or truly am because whenever i look back at my past self im like wtf #idk most of the times it just feels like being 'stuck' in a glass container and me not 'letting' anyone in if that makes sense? #ik im being very annoying about it but im just so tierd of feeling like this its been a decade & its way too long to constantly feeling dead #and im so fucking stubborn in my sadness that i won't even go get help after years of crying about wanting it & now finally having resources #it's like this mental block which i can't seem to remove and i feel like even if i do get help ill still be untrue so what's the point!??? #yeahhhhh anyways i'll delete this later i don't journal so tumblr will have to make do #vi.txt

[miabrown007]

the Night Circus is fiction because there's no way an Adrien-level sheltered guy goes out to the streets in the 19th century and kisses a girl in an hour

#pls no spoilers I'm on page 50 sjdbdn #why did no one tell me this was a soulmates rivals to lovers book I would have read it ages ago <- lie #I'm exceptional in procrastinating things that I know I'll enjoy #also I'm just guessing here it's a soulmates rivals to lovers please let it be soulmates rivals to lovers #they don't even want to be rivals they are just pitched up against each other by the only parent figure they have ever known #and boy do they do a bad job of parenting #but also. what kind of power tarot girl is if it *is* soulmates rivals to lovers? why do we need her what happens to her? #is she a force of a secret agent? is she the beloved sacrifice the boy-- #(Marco? like Marco Diaz from SVTFOE? yeah not Mario that's another magician) #--has to make for some reason? #am I reading too much into this made up shipping discourse in my head and I should just read the book instead of shitposting about it? #maybe so #at any rate. I'm excited about the rivals to lovers soulmates #also the writing flows well and we're covering so much story in so few words already. there's a lot of telling and not showing #or maybe I'm just paying a lot of attention to what showing tiny segments really means and that's why it feels like it #anyway it promises to be fucked up and I'm all for that #night circus spoilers #in case anyone has this filtered like 10 years after its release or would like to filter now so you won't see my posts about this #miaing

[thisisaname-whatahappyname]

i want to be meaner to my mom but scared that i might make a habbit of it to the point of that spilling onto other people, so let's vent, near everytime i say something that challenges her belief that she's right about everything she always goes on about how i love debating her and how im always attacking her and saying she's wrong about everything, this bitch litterally fucking just told her child "you're always the villain to me" like i dont have a mountain of evidence saying that she's the one who's fucked up

look we disagree on things a lot, i disagree with her a lot, she seems to take everytime i point out she could be wrong (the first few times her response was "it's like your my mom mano po" ("mana po" is something people do to their elders) and "go work on your self first" in response to my room and my sleep schedule, like. y'know me sleeping late and being messy gives her yhe excuse to be a bad person.) now it's "you just love debating me don't you" "you always think im wrong about everything" and now recently "youre always the villain in my story" ("lagi kang kontrabida saking buhay")

because yeah sure im the villain, im the person who bullied ("idiot, lunatic, insane, you made yourself ugly, you look insane, you look like a lunatic") verbally abused (read the previous sentences, and what comes after this), hit (four times to be exact, also threathened to beat me up if i ever did that again, and later on said she was gonna smack me if i ever tried it again later on too) and told their kid they're insane and that tgey didn't care about anyone except themselves for botching their haircut

like this isn't my first time saying this within these last few days, it still holds true though, her words, the villain sentence specifically, should be directed at herself if anything, like girlie are you describing your own actions or

damn these last few days have been shit, like most days that have my parents in them aren't good, but these last few days have been horrendous, wonder if i should kill myself lol, atleast id have a botched haircut at the funeral, where a lot of the people whod know me would see, might botch it even more before doing it, just out of spite, it's just like id face the abuse that would com after anyways, i would be dead. also that whole haircut and these few days after said haircut have confirmed my theory that my parents treat me nicer when im pretty so! that's another thing! man!

like girlie really did just say her kid was the villain in her life despite being the one to hit her kid four times over a botched haircut, and verbally and physically abuse said kid for days afterwards (the verbal abuse was worse than what id written, basically just wrote a summary for the most part, just don't feel like translating it) i mean girlie really?

edit: also if you read the tags i almost forgot about that last bit, memory repression works hard ig. wonder how much shit i forgot that i never remembered.

also another edit: i think it's interesting how she used to so "oh so im the villain now" in response to me whenever i brought up her doing something bad, like that used to be a common occurance a few months near a year ago, but now she says "you're like a villain to me" after, reminding her she can be wrong, and botching my haircut. i mean. girlie at least isn't blatantly ripping off mother gothel now so that's fun.

#girlie litterally called her kid the villain despite being the one who bullied #(said idiot. lunatic #insane #you made yourself ugly you look insane #you look like a lunatic.) #verbally abused (read the previous sentences and what comes after this) hit #(four times to be exact #also threathened to beat me up if ever did that again and later on said she was gonna smack me if i ever tried it again later on too) #and told their kid they're insane andthat tgey didn't care about anyone except themselves for botching their haircut #girlie litterally called her kid the villain #it think it's interesting how fell back on using social media slang as a coping mechanism here because sm incites dophamine most times #anyways vent parents i mean wow really let's just fucking #go and jump off guess. i #am exhausted and quite frankly just want to sleep and never fucking wake up again an overdose might be nice idk. #me dying might be the only way to convince her that she's the one that's fucked actually. #or maybe she might fucking say im spoiled dramatic and overemotional in which case idc idc id be too dead too by then anyways #look explaining shit won't work ive already tried that and whenever get into fights with my parents #words and memories just fucking bail on me under enough stress #till i get my shit together hours later and able to pinpoint exactly why they're or in this case she's wrong fuck this #she also told me that ''since im so mature now to now have to rely on her anymore'' and said she wont attend or give me shit anymore #as part of said haircut thing #basically told me she wont be a parent to me anymore because of something that started from a botched haircut #but still doesn't think that actually She may be the villain here #vent #parents

[bredforloyalty]

guys i'm gonna be honest. about two things. 1. playing super mario bros on the switch pisses me off 2. i have literally no idea how i'll write 10 pages on moral development by jan 2

#i played mario SOOO much on the ds and the 3ds and i CAN'T DO THIS ONE? killing myself #and‚ i have time‚ i'm not doing anything until january except for meeting up with friends a few times #but it's like. tomorrow is the family get-together‚ the day after in the other family get-together #i won't feel like writing when i know i'm gonna hand out with friends and i'll definitely do jack shit around new year's eve. #so that leaves a few days! lol #i am very scared. very scared #*HANG out. whatever . . correct it with your minds #as i was saying i'm super scared. am i even capable of staying coherent for 10 pages?? #i'll fail this course :(( and then the others where you have to do research and write papers :( and then they'll kick me out #and everyone will know i was a fucking moron all along......... i could've avoided this by not applying to uni in the first place #but i didn't think that far ahead. and now i live in agony and i'm fucked #so yeah! if anyone knows how to write decent research essays hit me up. i'm not doing so well. #kata.txt

[thedreadvampy]

hate penny so much bc she looks exactly like my extremely shitty first girlfriend and every time she comes on screen I say to Sam I JUST FEEL LIKE I CAN SMELL THE WEEB THROUGH THE SCREEN

this may be unfair. but down to the hair and the Eevee backpack she looks SO MUCH LIKE HER and I just cannot

#red said #i haven't played the new Pokémon but i have observed the entire plot over Sam's shoulder #which is functionally the same thing #anyway that shitty gf ruined so much for me bc she was extremely creepy and boundary-destroying #and left me with a Bunch of trauma responses #and now i have to leave the room when things get too weeby bc it makes me think of her #like my housemate loves the awful vtubers who speak English but in a high pitched anime girl voice #and i cannot lie to you I find it genuinely deeply triggering. even though vtubers didn't exist back then bc it was 2007 #but it turns out that's like. a surprisingly large part of my kneejerk reaction to Weeb Teens. #like i hear a 15 year old doing an Anime Girl UWU voice and i am out the window instantly you won't keep me here #and yeah like i think penny would be fine except it's literally. EXACTLY my ex. and i know the weebs will love her. #and i also know like. she's definitely bought this game on launch day and it's soooo validating uwu #(I'm not just judging this on her at 14-15 i still have her on facebook bc i never block anyone) #she has not changed At All #(btw when i say creepy and boundary destroying i don't mean A Bit Weird i mean seriously controlling and sexually abusive)

[dubiousdisco]

ok last post about my sister but its been about 4 days but not talking to my sister has been so good to my health... like maybe dedicating 4+ hours of my day every day for 3+ years to someone who didn't acknowledge me wasn't good

#I KNEW it wasnt good ok but i was scared she would hurt herself as she kept saying she would do #but like now she won't and it's like #i'm free #i didn't want to be free but now that I mean its so nice to have time for myself and not having to beg someone to let me help them everyday #it was also exausting to keep hearing her tell me I wasn't doing enough for the family and trying to scold me #without being able to tell her i couldn't do anything else because i was spending all my time being her therapist and finding doctors for h #her and begging her to tell me if she would need help and helping my sick mother who only has me to help her AND help my sick grandma #who is being tended to but had no one else to visit her except for me so i visit 4 days a week #and i couldn't answer sister telling her she was being rude because then she would shut herself away again and not tell anyone what she nee #needed #so it was just hearing someone scolding me everyday then begging her to tell me what she needed for hours before she actually did and #and i had to be her therapist #and since it was helping her somewhat it was ok but now i am so relaxed #i even wrote today #i drew twice this week #!!!!!!!!!!

[this-is-a-url]

I am in the predicament of constantly wanting to talk about mli au Dib but also being completely unable to talk about the lad

#HOW DO I DO WORDS #I also need to draw up a ref for my irken anatomy bc I threw like 70-80% of the cannon stuff out the window #BUT THAT'S UNRELATED (kinda) #please know that mli Dib is very inspired of of Zib despite me still not having watched Etf #My perception of Zib is flawed tho I'm sure so it maybe probably won't be that noticable? except for in design ofc #(bc Zib has the best design of any iz character and I will stand by that) #okay lad's I just googled it and I think Zib is just a comic character only??? Maybe??? #Idk google says nothing abt him being in etf anywhere #.....which kinda deminishes my excitement for watching the movie ngl..... by a lot #THO I STILL REALLY WANNA READ THE COMICS!!!! AND THAT WANT IS EVEN MORE NOW!!!!! #If anyone knows where to find those I am literally BEGGING you to tell me bc I have been desperately searching #I want to read the comics SO bad

[tardis--dreams]

Mcr is in 11 days. Don't expect me to be normal about anything

#I'm not implying any of you expect me to be normal ever #But like #I wish i could say that to people in real life because i just randomly want to start screeching #I'm still convinced something's gonna happen and it won't happen after all #Dear God can you imagine #I would die #Right there #Also hmt is in less than 2 weeks too #But i'm really not looking forward to that too much #Except for fob #As far as I'm concerned they're the first band #So if i don't feel like staying in the crowd for weezer and green day i can just leave and have a drink i suppose #But omg mcr in less than 2 weeks! #My emo self is coming through! #I want to dye my hair for some reason #I used to have them pink a few times a few years ago #Do you think I'm too old for that now? #(i'm not saying anyone is ever too old to dye their hair in fun colors #I'm just so self conscious and always feel like people will find me ridiculous for whatever reason) #shut up amy

[knaveofmogadore]

Kfkdks

#messages from knave #im making breakfast and im gonna list my observations from three years of weird living situations #younger siblings of big age gaps will see most interactions as a form of soft combat until trained out of it #but when actual clmbat happens they're used to not having any sway so they don't actually know how to act in arguments #siblings with codependent relationships have their own internal langauge that they apply to others. not sure if they realize they do it #but they'll hold you to the same rules they've mentally created for each other without explaining them #siblings of ALL stripes will approach situations with a set idea of how communication works. and even if it's not a logical way to communica #they'll expect you to also communicate in that way. and if you can't or refuse they'll shut down and communication stalls completely because #they can't fathom doing it any other way except the way they and their siblings socialized each other to do it #siblings with adversarial relationships don't take outside advice and will take attempts to give advice as manipulative. not their fault #oldest siblings are the most conflict averse people on the planet. oldest sinlings say #'is anyone gonna balloon this situation out of proportion by avoiding it for as long as possible' and not wait for an answer #siblings who were regularly appointed as hall monitors will see any interaction with you as transactional #a hallmark of a dysfunctional sibljng relationship is someone who thinks telling you NO is worse than going through a situation they do not #wanna be in. and then they'll complain about it endlessly #and then they'll be like 'i don't want favours from my parents because they'll hold it over me' and never make the connection on their own #people cannot anticipate your needs with their minds. they are sometimes going to ask you to be a part of things you don't wanna #you're NEVER gonna be able to live in a world where people will stop asking you to be a part of things that's not feasible #had one say once 'people should just know not to ask me along for plans I can't get to people should know not to invite me' #and you know dude that's just now how stuff works. there's a difference between 'x cant drive so they can't help me move my dresser' and #'i know xs work schedule so i shouldnt infomr them of group plansnon the off chance they could make it so they don't feel left out' #people with hyper competitive siblings can't fathom that other people won't know how to do stuff. i don't just mean athletes but siblings #with that scarcity mindsetnin general like they can't handle people not having the same knowledge base they have. it's a survival thing #and NO having a life of suffering doesn't make you correct all the time has literally anyone else watched heathers #youngest siblings always have the most deranged dating stories and the oldest in a set of age gap siblings always has the WORST taste in men #< that's directed at my sister and no one else that's a personal diss not a real observation #only children have one thing. theyre SUPER weird about splitting the grocery bill #food is NOT communal to only children I've learned firsthand. Also they'll be perfectly fine sharing anything else BUT food usually #weed. loans. bathroom supplies. dishes. ect. but NOT food #meanwhile sibljngs are a little TOO comfortable chowing down on stuff they didn't buy. bad roommates are bad roommates

[viosjaan]

.

#i need to talk to you so fucking badly but i don't know how #i hate you a little for convincing me that we could do this we could be this weird thing between more than friends but less than lovers #and that i could be okay with it #i told you i couldn't #i told you i was so scared of losing you fucking everything up hurting you again #you said it would be fine #it's not fucking fine #you said not to test your self control but do you want to see pictures of me in a tank top #sometimes i hate you so much for perfectly knowing which buttons of mine to push to get me to agree to you #i hate that i can't even hate you properly because im too busy feeling fucking fond ki aw kitni cute hai kitna mast flirt karti hai there's #no going back you're it for me #when you're not. im tired of waiting and hoping #it's literally a vicious fucking cycle we fight we make up things stay good for a while but then ek din we talk at 2 am #and my fucking feelings become too real and i start having expectations hopes for our future together and then one tiny thing #happens something that is normal but perfecy for shattering my illusion like you saying 'uske liye pehle date bhi toh karna padega na' and #flirting with others #i hate that i can't express my feelings well i hate that i was too fucking embarrassed to say that #i know it doesn't mean anything to you but it means something to me. it means that you don't respect our relationship enough it means that #other people believe you're single and available and they're shooting their shot trying to impress you and it's so fucking maddening ki idk #i want to kill them all i hate them so much #i hate that you bring out the worst and best parts in me i hate that i feel so possessive and angry but also how i always try to be gentler #more soft hearted to people in my life because of you because of your lovable tender heart i hate the way i try to talk to my mom politely #because you love your mom. i hate that i don't hate anything at all about all of this except for the fact that you're not physically here #i miss you and love is understanding and i won't ever find anyone like you again and i don't want to remove enchanted from my ts playlist #but i also don't know how to not cry everytime i listen to it i don't know how to listen to renegade and think #that whoa i used to be the renegade in my first relationship and now it's you you're the renegade and you need me and all that joking about #i could fix you but i couldn't. i can't. not because you're too broken but because it hurts too much to stay im not strong enough to be #there for you