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#now some negative school thoughts so skip over this if youd like!
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I feel as if life is in fast forward and it doesn’t care that im falling behind. With everything that’s happened this past year, well this past 8 years, specifically this past year tho I finally feel like Im struggling to stand up. Although I may not be completely up, ive been sitting for so long and all I can do now is acknowledge the fact that im trying to stand up and im taking steps to better myself. Im so much better and stronger than I was almost exactly a year ago. I refuse to ever go back to that person I was a year ago. I refuse to spend another birthday in the hospital. I refuse to let myself ever feel like death was the only option for me. Although its hard for me to see most of the time there is more to live for. Im a dweller and I cant do anything other than try to change my thinking patterns. It comes in waves sometimes I can control my negative disortions but most of the time i have what It seems like little to no control. I catastrophize, that’s all ive ever known and it’s a hard habit it break. Lately ive been feeling very defeated. Ive never don’t this bad in school, its very overwhelming. I bit off way more than I can chew and im suffering all around because of it. I wish I did the two semester option. Im unsure if I want to continue with my education but I know if I don’t use this gi bill I will regret it for the rest of my life. Its just that I feel like I don’t have much left in me anymore. Ive been at war with myself for so long I don’t have much fight left and im barely managing to stay above water as it is.
Lately Ive been realizing that my parents, especially my mom, want me to stay dependent on them. They tell me that I need to grow up when they haven’t taught me to be an adult. I don’t know what they’ve taught me honestly. What type of parent I don’t want to be, what not to do, who not to marry, toxic relationships, addicition. Yes they’ve done a lot for me but I feel like they compensate for their short comings by taking care of me financially. Im trying to save and im trying to start over but my mom is making it impossible and making so that I have to be dependent on them. She wants me to grow up but yet ive come to realize that shes the reason im stagnant financially, emotionally and mentally. I felt so stuck for such a long time until I got in this relationship. Ive learned more about life and how to approach situations in a healthy way in the last month and a half than my parents or my ex ever taught me. Im very happy but I don’t want to let myself become dependent on anyone for anything so I know a part of me will always have some sort of wall up and honestly I don’t know if that’s okay. I’m finding that as an adult im learning and trying to teach myself what a healthy relationship is romantically and familial. Im barely learning boundaries and self worth and self respect and all of that. It’s a hard concept to grasp when you’ve just been introduced to it. I stopped going to therapy because I have 0 time in school but I think that in the time I did go I made a lot of progress.
One thing that ive come to learn is that you really have to put yourself, your emotions, and your boundaries first. For so long I let brandon be the end all be all, wouldn’t live without him sort of thing. Idk how I came to finally realize that I needed to put myself first but im glad I burned him out, poor girl is still with him after he almost choked her to death but that’s not my problem anymore. I never thought id live through that and now I will never go back. I will never let myself get treated that way nor will I ever allow someone to disrespect me in the ways Ive come to think was a normal part of a relationship.
Being with the man im with now is a whole new world. I honestly didn’t think that being treated with respect and compassion and admiration was a thing anymore, and that’s 100% truth. It makes me feel validated about myself when everyone around me always pointed out the negative characteristics about myself. Somehow I feel as if im going to ruin it eventually but that may be just me catastrophizing. For the first few weeks we started talking I was extremely depressed and often would cry in my room and almost broke it off with him because when I get in those mindsets I believe what everyone has told me, even lexi told me im negative and no one wants to be around me (we haven’t hung out since). I truly thought I was doing him more harm than good and that theres no way I can help him grow as a person. It took me a while to get out of those thoughts. I straight up thought he’d run when I told him about my depression, he doesn’t know the severity, I don’t think ill ever express to anyone how severe it is at times except to dina who knows how it is. But im glad that people don’t understand how severe it is and how everything could be going right and you can still feel like dying. Idk I guess I’m just learning how to look at things more positively. He knows a glimpse of how fucked up I am and how damaged I am and still supports me. Idk just shocking to me that youd want to stick around someone who has all these problems. Maybe im being too hard on myself but whatever. Lately ive been focusing on positive emotions rather than ruminating on the negative feelings which has made a difference.
I stopped taking ambien. I crashed my car while I was really fucked up off ambien and well that was a wake up call. Don’t remember anything that happened after the crash. I don’t want to be dependent on drugs to do a simple task like sleep. I think ill be on medication for the rest of my life, I might with this cyst, idk what it is and I skipped my appointment. Partly because I don’t want to know whats wrong, and partly because If I need surgery my mom would make me go in right away and I cant afford to go with school. Hopefully its just a pill to shrink it.
Im stressing about these finals coming up, I haven’t even faced all the stress im supposed to be feeling head on because honestly I don’t care anymore. Theres not much fight left in me. Like I said ive been at war with myself for so long it gets exhausting. I don’t think itll ever get easier you just learn how to cope more efficiently.
 Growing up, having the problems that ive had, struggling mentally the way I know, ive honestly never believed I would have a family or get a career or get married. Partly because I was in a toxic relationship and knew he could never offer those things to me and he made me anti everything and partly because I saw how fucked up my parents relationship is and how badd they fucked up me and my sibilings. I never thought id live past 25. For the first time in my life I can see myself getting married and having kids and living a normal life. I have dreams about it all the time. It’s the strangest sensation . maybe because im in a better place, the best place ive ever been, or maybe because someone has actually showed me that im loveable and to believe that im an okay person. Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above. All I know is whatever im doing is working and its not smooth sailings from here, not even close, and the work will never stop that itll all come together one day and work out for the better. Some days I want to quit but idk I just feel like its time I stop giving up and strive to do something better, make someones life better, or even day better.
  Haven’t written in like a month and this is the longest post ive ever written. So grammatically incorrect and painful but oh whale.
Will try to write again soooon.  
  Doing a walk to promote suicide awareness with my sister. It means a lot that she is doing this, shes the one who brought it to my attention actually. Im glad that shes walking with me and not for me.
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