#now all I think about is work uni etc I’m anxious again about everything idk if I’ll pass this year and what to do after I finish | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

prtgniiist · 4 years

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all the numbers 👀👀

⤿ roleplay habits | not accepting

i’m grateful but jESUS that’s a lot

what’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?

answered x

are there any languages besides english in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

nope. i know filipino and japanese too but i don’t think i can fully write using those languages roleplaying as i’m not fluent anymore

how often do you reach for a synonym dictionary when writing? how about mentally?

oh lol i have the thesaurus.com opened on a separate tab while writing. though i find myself not using it as much, only occasionally.

how often do you need to translate your own or the other’s writing with a dictionary or google when writing and reading replies?

uh not a lot? not anymore. sometimes though i have to double-check if i spelled certain words correctly but other than that, i don’t really check. i get too distracted if i look through a different site/page while writing, i have to continuously write otherwise i’m gonna lose my train of thought

do you listen to music while your write?

answered x

do you have ideal writing circumstances when you can do a lot of drafts or tackle really long ones very easily?

its not very specific but i feel like writing more early in the day ( though unfortunately since i work a 9-5 job i don’t get enough time being on here ). i also get into the right mood writing long ones after reading something ( i usually read some novels but lately, i just read some fanfictions )

are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

morning

how does tiredness affect your writing?

it affects me a lot. being in a good mindset helps me write so when i’m feeling meh because i’m exhausted i just don’t feel like doing anything/write anything

have you ever written a serious reply intoxicated?

nah, i only drink when i’m with friends or when i’m at a party. and i usually just pass out in bed as soon as i get home

how much do you proof-read as you are writing vs. proof-read at the end?

hahahaha none at all. after i write it, i just always go “FUCK IT” and hit reblog/publish and then after maybe an hour i reread what i wrote and then cry internally when i find any typos/grammatical errors

when you are writing a reply, how much ahead in the thread do you plan?

it depends on the plot of the thread + the overall mood. when its more on the fluffy, lighter side i just go with the flow. sometimes its fun to see how a thread progresses as i write it on a whim. but if the thread is more plot-based ( something that i have already plotted out with a partner ) i try to implement everything that was talked about in order to go specifically to where we want it. one time i wrote ( physically write with a pen and paper !!! ) all the bullet points that i have to hit in my reply

is there ever been a time when you’ve had to drop a roleplaying partner because you’ve found their writing style exhausting?

yeah, once. not on this blog though, it was a while ago so i don’t remember much. i just remember that they wrote in this specific dickens-esque purple prose style that was just super exhausting because haha wow what are you even saying

does writing roleplay things in public spaces make you uncomfortable?

not really. i used to write replies while i was in a lecture in uni lol as long as its not nsfw then i’m completely fine with it

what do you do after you see a person has replied? do you read it immediately, or do you wait for it to show up on the dash? do you like it, draft it immediately, etc?

i read it first and then draft it ( unless i’m already on the computer when i see the reply )

how often do you need to change the icon in your reply while or after writing the reply?

actually not that often. what icon i’m gonna use is usually the first thing i know before writing the reply. i internalize the emotions first before replying and since i sort my icons/graphics in order of emotions ( like one would be named smile1 or sad2 etc ) i know exactly what to use

do you first get in the “zone” when writing, or do you start writing and “enter” it that way?

i get in the zone first! by reading something ( these days, its fanfiction ) just to get in the mood. otherwise i just stare at my drafts for an hour and then i just go play minecraft

what is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

laziness. depression. minecraft. but mostly its time... my work takes so much of my time, especially considering i don’t drive so i commute everyday and that takes most of my day

what’s your inbox count currently? what did you do to get it so high/low?

atm there are 2 i haven’t replied to

how many drafts is a paralysing amount?

more than 30! especially if its for different partners. i just feel really bad

if you are writing a wrong reply that’s not working out, do you save what you have to be continued at another date, or do you scrap it and rewrite?

i save what i have written and then try to continue it when i’m in a better mindset/when i can better write what i want to. but now after the tumblr update, for some reason, if the thread is already in drafts then i write my reply but i want to save it as draft again, it publishes it? idk why that happens. has that happened to you?

does making icons give or take away energy to write? what about other graphics?

it makes me feel calmer so it gives me energy? but it also enables me to procrastinate because after spending hours capping episodes + make icons, i just think to myself “okay at least i was productive its fine” i don’t actually make my own graphics. i commission graphics mostly ( like my theme background right now! )

longest reply you’ve ever writen on mobile?

i used to roleplay on kik ( ahaha ah the good ol days ) so that’s the only time i roleplayed on mobile. i don’t write replies for threads on here while on mobile because for some reason, i don’t really know why.

does the total amount of threads you have going on matter to you, or just how many you owe?

uh yeah it makes me really anxious

what’s your thought process when you format? any unspoken rules you follow?

i just really do CAPS + bold for emphasis and that’s pretty much my “aesthetic formatting” i used to do this whole i write in small line like its a poem because i used to be a p r e t e n t i o u s dude

how does your follower count affect your mood?

doesn’t affect me at all i think? i don’t really look at my follower count it does affect me though when i see a partner/or someone i wanted to interact with deactivate

#/ ICANT BELIEVE #/ thank you though you're the best #creturae #《 — 𝑶𝑶𝑪. ⤿ chris chris fall in love 》#《 — ⤿ ask answered. 》

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3rachad-archive · 6 years

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i hope this doesn't come off as rude ndksnsls but ive seen that you've remade a few times, is everything okay?

omg not rude at all!!!

mm, i think in total- this is my 4th time remaking? so you’re right! it’s definitely been a few times now um :( i know it can be annoying- and i apologize to those ppl who feel like they HAVE to follow me or feel burdensome when i do this fjfdfkslfksf mm i’ll explain the whole thing under a cut (which doesn’t really work on mobile but jfjfkafejoew) bc i think it might get. long.

edit: ok so i didnt proofread bc its like 11 pm and im tired and ; __ ; pls forgive any spelling or grammar mistakes- i think the gist of what i’m saying comes through…

mm, the first few times i remade were for the sake of organization? like from my VERY first (kpop) blog to the second one, i remade bc i felt that i was stanning too many groups and it was just super multifandom and super messy and it made me anxious having all of that there in a clutter

the second time i remade it was cause i felt that blog was lacking and i wasn’t really contributing to anything and i was trying to get rid of some toxic mutuals ://

um the third time………. i think i just again: needed a fresh start bc i had a bunch of mutuals that made me uncomfortable and i didn’t want anyone to find me necessarily so i gfkjgsojgsoeser just ghosted my account n remade bc i needed it for my anxiety :( n i lost a lot of old mutuals on purpose

um then this remake!!! hnnhfnjgfgf ok :( theres been a lot going on personally… hnngngiwoe its kinda split into two reasons:

1) the lesser reason: i dropped out of a uni at the end of my first year and then went to apply to a new one and its been fucking hell like every where i turn smth else goes wrong. i’ll solve one problem and thensmth else happens. its so stressful and disgusting how much crap i’ve emotionally been through… and that blog pretty much chronicles ALL of those 2 months of panic and depression and such bad thoughts about myself and i just need to get AWAY from it

2) the more pressing reason: its really quite frustrating and i think i’ve explained it before- but ive just found that nctzens have become a little too much for me. just everything about that fandom makes me so incredibly stressed and anxious and i’m not happy coming onto tumblr- and that’s not the point?? like tumblr is supposed to be fun and you’re supposed to be able to make stuff and enjoy yourself??? like… it shouldn’t fucking feel like a job or some kind of commitment. but nctzens have kinda just turned everything into a competition and they make everything abt popularity and followers and they act so mean to each other and their biases and say stuff that i find kinda :// and to just top it all off i just find that more and more of them are using their “platform” and “audience” (for lack of better wording) to start witch hunts… like they’ll “call out” users and say things that are just fucking disgusting and when theyre followers go and attack that user they dont take ANY credibility or think that it could’ve been their actions. they act so innocent and it just… it just frustrates me.

its in my dfi/byf- but like if you’re not willing to discuss something with me when we get into an argument/disagree upon something, i dont think you should be following me. i find it incredibly childish for ppl to go and “”shade”” someone on their blog and talk shit about that person to their mutuals and make all of these ppl hate someone. its so senseless… i’ve never understood bringing personal drama up with ppl who have nothing to do with it…

i also find that nctzens don’t understand the concept of “opinions” ??? like they act as if smth someone says is like. law. and they don’t think for 0.5 seconds before they go attacking ppl for saying “i think this song isn’t that good”… like, opinions aren’t right or wrong… theyre just opinions… some opinions can be ill informed or kinda universally s t u p i d - but there’s no such thing as a wrong opinion because …. inherently… opinions are just… beliefs we make upon information we have……….. ????

idk :( its just become too much for me to handle- when i started posting a little bit more of stray kids- which were one of my ults for a while- i got hate telling me i was a fake nctzen and that i would have my nctzen card revoked… like i’ve never taken that stuff seriously- but it fucking SUCKS to constantly be told youre not a “good enough fan” like… dood.. there is no such thing… kpoppies have invented this kinda ride or die culture where they lay down their lives for their favs and like i g e t i t - but like… lmao… ppl have lives they have things to do?? this is why streaming and voting and all of that stuff gets so frustrating and anxiety raising- because we’re made to feel like we HAVE to do it or we’re a bad fan?? like nahhhh that doesn’t fucking matter !! i get it goes towards their achievements and etc but also like put your fucking life first man… do those other things when you have TIME and ENERGY

all of this was ruining nct for me and i didnt need that negativity :( i love nct and i love johnny but i just need space :( the same thing happened to me when i liked bts so… i just dont want it to make me sad when i see them… you know?

anyway- i’m sorry this got so fucking long and i’m just ranting at this point abt smth that probably you weren’t looking for but… like

tldr: everything was not okay, everything is very carefully balanced on a precarious edge !! mentally i just need to be in a place i can CONSIDER my safe place. i’m doing alright mostly, just anxious a little bit… and jfwifiawioefawe you probably weren’t looking for this dumb ass essay…. but…… yeah………. im sorry- and honestly? thank you for asking… idk :( its sweet

#anon #answered #long post #uhungnngng #mm :( let me know when u read this i think ill be deleting it bc i dont want to get hate fjfaweifwjiaeioe

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kyunsies · 3 years

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hey mädch! how are you? sorry for taking so long to reply. i got a bit sick from overwork and my whole body kind of shut down? it got to the point where i couldn't eat or sleep and i ended up having panic attacks even just thinking about sleeping... like, no matter how well i was doing i just ended up feeling like i'd failed and idk i think i imploded. that big global launch i told you about reached thousands of people but it was like one of four jobs i'm also doing and with those stats idk i got myself so so pressured to keep it up (i'm really scared it'll end up failing tbh) and i think i went overboard with everything until my body decided stopping was the only way for me to stop - so i ended up having to take a week off to just kind to be healthy and alive?

thank you for being so kind as always, because i took time off i guess i ended up replying to my friends to just apologise for being so absent. i'm sure you understand how when you get overworked you can kind of end up just cutting things off and cutting everyone off and i think that happened with me a lot too? idk i think i just want to find a place that's healthier in general?

how is your job going? is it still going well? i hope you've been able to treat yourself with the money you're making as well what new albums did you buy? what shoes? i'm like you though! i get a bit obsessed with saving and i hate seeing my bank balance get too low as well.

i thought my favourite song was heaven but i'm really loving rotate more and more these days. but then i really like secrets... ah, there's no point picking haha! idk how i feel about eshy still working so much with them though. i'm so excited for their next english record cause aal was so good but... eshy? sigh.

i understand you very much - i was feeling like i deserved to be stressed all the time as well but i think that was me and that was kind of why i ended up a bit dead i think. you are so kind and aware and good and i am sure you will do amazing things. like, the fact you have doubts means that you're aware and considerate, and able to really push yourself as opposed to not thinking. one of my teachers used to say that the fact i was doubting meant that i was able to move up as opposed to just stand still so i believe it is the same for you and i am sure you will be able to do things that you want to do. i mean, you think far too well of me but you are so compassionate that i just think it's impossible for you to now succeed in your field! i had an ex who's dad was big in medicine and he used to say the best people in the field weren't like the most flashy or smart (though you are smart for sure) or academic etc but actually the best with people. so i believe in you!

omg ok that has been a whole ass essay!! ahhhhhhhh (sorry!) but <3 i hope you're super good. love you!!

- 💥

HELLO LOVE !!!!! <3 it's been a little while hasn't it ?? it's okay !!! i know u are heaps busy, i'm just happy when i'm able to finally hear from u again <3

oh god hun are u feeling better at least? u overwork urself so much ;____; you are doing so many amazing things, you will never be anything less than a fantastic person u know that right? i know i can't sit here and tell u otherwise bc i feel like we have similar tendencies, like no matter how hard we work or if we get good results we won't settle for it bc we are always looking at a flaw . but i really am proud of all that u do :( i could only dream to be as hard working at u are , i look up to ur work ethic . i hope the panic attacks have gotten a little better tho bc that's not healthy :( you are doing more than enough :( i am so happy u have decided to take a week off tho love really u deserve it after your hours and hours of hard work ;___; truly!! <3 i think everything will go well bc i know u gave it everything, with your dedication i'm sure the project will be just fine okay?

and pls i totally understand what u mean bub .... when things get a lot or even when things aren't so busy sometimes it's just hard you know? there are still ppl i need to message to make sure they know i think about them all the time but like i said last time i want to make sure that all the responses i give to ppl are genuine and not half-assed so i usually dedicate a message for them when i know i'm in a good headspace to answer ;____; but i don't think theres anything wrong with that :( as long as u eventually get back to ppl who care about u i don't think they care about how long it takes for u to get back to them as long as u do it at some point so they know u are still thinking of them :( ppl know ur busy love (hopefully) and they shouldn't look down on u or think of u badly if they understand ur situation <3

my job is going okay love they're re-organizing all of our files tho and i've just been trying to get everything all nice for them bc we're kinda getting rid of the old system and i want everything to be nice and in it's place before i leave to back to my final year of uni :') i've been making good money for me tho and yesterday i treally treated myself with some much needed nice clothes .... i might have dropped $200 hhh which isn't really much but when i buy clothes i tend to splurge on better quality stuff ,,, it's why i don't buy a lot of clothes in the first place LDKFJ bc i know it's going to be expensive whatever i buy :') i ended up only getting version 2 + 4 of the one of a kind albums !!!!!!!! i think i'll order the other ones later, i didn't think i should spend about $100 in one sitting sdlkfskd it just didn't feel right . and i did end up getting the shoes !! i got some nice white leather platform tennis shoes, i'm very happy about the purchase, i've been wearing them everyday :D we really are the same when it comes to spending money i see HHSDLFJLSKDFJ <3

also u are SO VALID about one of a kind lol in the beginning i was like omg rotate rotate rotate but like i said last time my fav is definitely heaven ;____; it is so dang comforting for me idk what it is but i have deemed it my top 3 emotional support mx songs so for me they are now amen, gravity, and heaven <3 AND OH MY GOD i agree with this so hard ...... i'm actually really excited about what mx has in store next ....... i dislike eshy with every fiber of my being but !!!!!! idk i'm always excited what mx has i really don't even care as long as they give them free range that's all i ask ;____; and i know ppl are concerned about them going overboard with working but ...... if they didn't want to do it they don't have to !!! i think they crave making music and i think the more opportunities they get the happier they are . they only get this life once u know !!! why not make the absolute most of it <3 just without eshy lol

and lastly ....... this last part got me right here ;_____; how are u so understanding ...... u know exactly what to say all the time :( i've really have been dreading this last year of uni, i don't feel like i'm ready for this . i'm scared to look for a job, i'm scared no one will want me, i'm scared that i won't be able to work int he NICU like how i want to ;____; i'm scared i'm going to screw everything up . i just want to be a good nurse, i want to finally have some confidence in what i do :( i always get so anxious about this stuff, i have so many classmates telling me just to calm down and that i worry too much so i often think something is wrong with me ..... but i worry bc i care about what i do and i want to do it correctly .. i don't know how to say this but u have given me so much comfort just reading this :( i put u in such high regard bc u work really hard and i can tell u are good at what u do for work !! it's crazy that YOU think I am something to be proud of when u are already out there in the working world, being a really damn good adult and being responsible when i'm just me being so insecure about everything i do and i'm not even graduated yet . i just blows my mind u think of me this way and that in it of itself is just ........................ u are so kind ;____; i hope u realize how good of a person u are and you are just one of those ppl i don't even hav to meet and i just naturally look up to u :( so thank u so much .... i really hope u are able to take care of yourself on this break . and remember i am here any time okay !!!!! no matter how many days pass i am always here happy to hear from u okay?? pls take care, i love u angel !!!!!!!! <3

#asks #💥 anon #us <3 the essay ppl on this site <3 #i was so happy when i say this in my inbox babe !!!! ty for coming here and stopping by #i love u so much :( u are so sweet and kind and comforting #i hope u are doing well always !! i think about how u are doing often bubbie <3

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king-gotze · 7 years

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I got tagged by @penalteaze and @babyyouaremyboat to answer 11 questions. Thank you so much lovelies! 💕 💕 (also if you don’t follow them already you better do it right now because they are two of my all time favorite blogs!) @penalteaze‘s questions: 1. Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? If so, would you share it with me? - I have! Nothing exciting or “cool” though, just me jumping off a cliff and then waking up in bed when I hit the ground. Tbh I love these kind of dreams, not me dying lmao, but you know, where you’re back to reality all of the sudden because of the feeling you get. 2. If you could move anywhere in the world, where would you move? - I really want to go back to the US and live there again, because I just miss my “american” life so much :( (considering everything that’s going on over there rn this doesn’t seem like the smartest idea, but oh well..) 3. You win a billion in the lottery, what would you buy first? - Obviously there are things like paying for my mom’s dream vacation, or buying a nice car, etc.. But let’s be real, the very first thing would probably be some random crap like a donut or such lmaO 4. Do you believe in aliens? - I believe that there’s more to this universe than we know of for sure. 5. Who do you think inspired you most in life so far? - My mom. 6. Skincare - yay or nay? - Absolute must! No matter how tired I am or who annoying it might seem at that very moment, skincare is nothing to ever skip out on for me. 7. Do you want to have a child/children? - Yes! If everything goes as imagined (which it never does, does it?) I’d love to have 2 or maybe even 3 kids. 8. Tell me something about your best friend :) - He is amazing. Although it’s been hell of a ride with him and there are days where I feel like just kicking his (cute) butt. However, he’s my favorite person. My ride or die. I’ve never loved anyone (not related) as much as I love him. It’s all the little things.. Him holding my hand because he knows I’m anxious, him knowing right away when something’s wrong or him just sitting next to me on a boring Tuesday afternoon. Everything is so easy when I’m around him. As if nothing could ever go wrong. He makes me a better person and I know for fact that I wouldn’t be as mentally stable as I am today if it wasn’t for his constant support and love. I am so very lucky to have someone as amazing as him as my best friend! 9. Is there something you really regret? - I’m sure there are things I wish I wouldn’t have done. However, there’s nothing I regret as in “I wish I could turn back time..” 10. Do you read fanfic? If so, recommend one maybe? - At this point fanfics are everything I read for fun. (not that I have much time to do anything next to uni and work anyway smh) and there are so many good ones out there. I’m sure you know all of them already though since I live for your bookmarks and originals on AO3 :) 11. Ever met an online friend? - Not yet, no. ___________________ @babyyouaremyboat‘s questions: 1. If your life was a movie, which song would be the first one on your soundtrack? - Wow, that’s a hard one. “Beautiful” by SEEED maybe? 2. What is one thing on your bucket list ? - Finding purpose in life. 3. If you could hug someone right now, who would that be ? - @draxlerr wya? :( or you, I’d hug you too :) 4. Turn back time or fast forward to the future? - If I had to do either, it’d be fast forward to the future. 5. Your favorite item of clothes? - Oversized hoodies. 6. Do you sing in the shower? - ALL! THE! TIME! 7. If you could be someone else for the day, who would that be? - I’d love to be Stevie G. for a day. His life seems like so much fun and his family is so cute. I also adore him in general, his story is incredible and he seems like someone interesting to know. (And it won’t get any better than being him for a day.) 8.Early mornings or late nights? - Late nights for sure. 9. Favorite season of the year? - Fall. Idk why, but something about it makes me fall in love over and over again. 10. Who’s that one famous person that could be your best friend in real life? - I feel like Chambo and I would get along pretty well, so I’d pick him. 11. What is your favorite flower and why? - Daisies because they remind me of my beloved Opa and his beautiful garden. 💕 💕 💕 I’ll add my questions later on :)

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creamhy · 7 years

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2016 is over (warning: this is a long ass post)

okay so I’ve been in a bit of a funk recently and whenever this happens just explaining it on this crazy site makes me process my thoughts. So 2016 was one of the worst years that I’ve experienced (mind you, I haven’t really experienced a lot yet), but there were definitely some really good parts, and I still kind of need to reflect on everything.

All in all, my senior year was pretty shitty. The whole year I basically had one friend that I actually went out with, had a terrible job, and everyone seemed to be making memories about finishing high school and I didn’t, but hey, at least my grades were great.

Family/Friends: My family has its ups and downs like any other but we all love each other and throughout this year family was something that remained pretty good despite all the negative things that occurred. Friendships on the other hand weren’t fabulous. Despite sticking with my friendship group for all of 2015 I never got close with anyone in it and decided to move groups a few weeks before school ended in 2016; the new group accepted me, but I knew after school was over I wasn’t going to keep in touch. Basically the last couple of years have been pretty lonely since I’ve practically had no close friends, but it’s given me time to focus on myself and work on projects. Now that I’ve graduated I feel like it’s put everything into a perspective that I would have never predicted would happen - it’s incredibly difficult to explain. I’ve realised that because of social media it’s incredibly easy to reconnect with people if you make the tiniest effort. Because I have to make an effort to keep in touch with people, I’ve actually gotten closer with some of my younger friends who I’d actually like to stay in contact with, but I’d never have thought to organise to go out with when we saw each other in school. And all through high school I literally never met boys lol so no good or bad things there. Another thing. Throughout high school, I have always struggled with the concept that I may not be my close friends’ close friend. Actually, I know I’m not. I am an introvert, I have a bit of social anxiety, I find that speaking to people face to face satisfies me enough, and I get anxious if I have to constantly text people, or have a lot of snapchat streaks. I’m not always on my phone, I don’t post on facebook, but in this generation, the people that I would consider close friends probably have 30 messenger tabs open and haven’t messaged me in a month, maybe because I haven’t messaged them in a month, but on my screen they are the second last person I talked to. I know it all comes down to making an effort but if you aren’t that kind of a person, it makes it really hard, and I found that in 2016 I felt pretty damn friendless because of it.

Work: I had been working at my first job since mid 2015 and honestly I hated it - mainly because of the people. Anyway - my boss basically did everything she could to make me quit until I did. But I’m so glad it happened because I got a Christmas Casual job straight after leaving and I love it so much and I love the people even more. I’m just worried because it probably won’t last.

Music: All throughout high school the only ‘leadership’ position I had ever wanted was music captain. I was known as the music kid, and my favourite memories from school involve the music groups I was a part of - I always felt like it was a lot more important to me than it was to other people. Anyway, they picked another girl for the position (there was a lot of up roar about it- you couldn’t even begin to understand how unreasonable their decision was) and in turn made me make it my last priority and not enjoy my time there, because I was oh so bitter about the entire situation. Also, I declined an offer to be a part of one musical because I decided I wanted to be a part of another, and then when I auditioned I didn’t even get in (they looked for dancers, not singers), when all of my friends did. In the long run I’m glad I didn’t do a musical in senior year but fuck, them not wanting me really really affected me. (Music Captain on the other hand - I’m still incredibly sour about). But I was a part of SHEP and I got a solo and that was fun, being a part of the school’s singing quartet was still fun and the grade 11s that I sat with in choir were some of the best people I’ve hung out with. Oh and I came second in the school talent contest singing/playing one of my favourite songs. (I came in with adele as my first high school music performance 5 years ago, and went out with adele as my final performance). Also, I’ve figured out a way to keep doing music throughout uni while not having it as a career - and I’ve just bought myself a new piano so I can finally start doing what I love!

Being a Senior: Senior Year - the year of lasts. I remember one of my new years resolutions from the start of the year was to make memories with friends but those memories just didn’t come. No crazy parties, no schoolies, and all my expectations did were make me feel like I was missing out - which I was. All throughout 11th grade my school ensured every student, no matter whether they got a leadership position or not, that they could still be involved in making decisions and everything. That couldn’t have been more false. Unlike plenty of other seniors, I didn’t really even get to experience being a senior in its entirety. I wasn’t a part of teaching the school cheers, running house events or anything - and it felt crap in those moments (though I got better grades because of it, probably). I just didn’t get those “senior moments” until the very end of the year, when it was all over. My formal also wasn’t amazing but wasn’t bad - idk. As the final weeks of year 12 approached, it finally started to feel like this was it. I had my last choir rehearsal, my final music concert, my final classes, my final home group and I saw a lot of people for the last time at the senior farewell. It was incredibly bitter sweet, but I have a lot of good memories of those few lasts.

Mental Health & Putting Things in Perspective: There were two days in my senior year that honestly changed everything. Rather than have a camp, the seniors at my school slept over at the school for a ‘retreat.’ I have anxiety, and jeez, at this retreat, it affected me a lot. Firstly, we were sorted into groups of 12, which was great, because I wasn’t put with anyone from my group and I saw this as my final opportunity to switch into another group - which made my anxiety levels soar through the roof because of the pressure. The whole point of the retreat was basically to give other people compliments (”affirmations”). Everyone had an envelope that people stuck notes in throughout the retreat. I hated thinking about it, because at this point in the year the people I talked to the most would talk to heaps of other people more often than they would chat to me, and thought I was getting none. The first sign of anxiety spiked in a similar way that it has at every single camp/school trip I have ever been on - I would feel embarrassed or like I had drawn attention to myself. There was a meditation exercise, I stopped paying attention and when it was finished they called out groups to get up one by one. Basically, I stood up at the wrong time and started walking off, then realised and sat back down. Mind you, only a couple of people noticed but it triggered it. So the next hour or so we did an activity and the whole time I was on the verge of breaking down and having a panic attack, but somehow I kept it together and just let my stomach twist in knots and knots. This lasted basically the whole day - we did an activity in the group where we said what we admire about one another - and the whole time, again, I was on the verge of breaking down for basically no reason at all. Before dinner I managed to get away on my own, and I had an anxiety attack, and then some of my friends (old group) looked after me kind of. It just made me feel worse because I was trying to convince myself that they weren’t the right friends for me, but they were also the only ones who noticed what happened. So I picked myself back up, but the following day the anxiety came right back because we were opening our envelopes. I was already emotional because I’d had ‘friends’ come up to me and see if I was okay, apologise for not being there, etc (it was another exercise run by the retreat). So I looked through my “affirmations” and (not including the people in our group of 12 that had to write one) I only had 4 (I wrote ones for over 30 people - it pretty much confirmed I was leaving my group since none of them thought of me), where most people had between 15-50 (there were 250 girls at the retreat.) Only one of them was from a person I expected to get one from, because she had always been really nice to me. Two of them I weren’t expecting, but they were from people I often talk to so they were just a nice surprise - I had also written them one. And the final affirmation that I looked at took me completely by surprise (I had also written one for her but we had never really been friends) and, even though it was messily scrawled in pencil and wasn’t long and meaningful, it meant a lot to me, because it meant that this person thought of me, out of the 250 girls, as one of the people to write something nice about. Now by this point I was an emotional wreck because all this anxiety had been building and building until it all just came pouring out of me. After thanking the other 3, I went up to her and she thanked me for hers as well - she could tell that I was crying because I was just thankful and relieved because I honestly thought I wouldn’t get any - and she just gave me a big hug and said, “You are loved.” Then a bunch of the people I wrote affirmations for came up, thanked me and gave me a hug as well. That one girl thinking of me has stuck with me to this day, so much so that on the day of graduation I went and thanked her again. She made me rethink my perspective on friendships. Throughout high school, there were three girls that I had grown apart from, but whose friendships basically affected me the way falling in love with a guy and breaking up would. One of these girls was my best friend since 2005, but I obviously wasn’t one of hers still, another was the first ever friend I made in high school and who to this day is the one person that I have clicked with the most out of anyone I have ever met and the final was a girl that I pretty much ‘fell in friendship love” with at the start of high school. None of these girls thought of me. It made me finally accept that they had other people, and that sure, maybe ask them to catch up for coffee once or twice but they’re never going to feel the same way about you as you feel about them, even if they did before. This year I get to make a fresh start at uni, and I’m excited to wipe my friendship slate clean and start over - only catching up rarely with friends from high school. This year my mental illness has been all over the place honestly - there was a period where I was sad (I’m not diagnosed with depression so I’m not assuming anything) for months at a time, and at the moment I’m getting anxiety a lot, but I’m trying to push through it and I haven’t had an anxiety attack in quite a while.

Grades and What the Future Holds: So my grades were probably the best thing about my senior year. I finally got to prove a lot of people wrong. Throughout our final two years of school we get predictions as to what our final result will be. Where I’m from, we call it an OP - you receive a number between 1 and 25, 1 being the best and 25 being the worst (e.g. you need a 1 to become a doctor or vet, and a 9 to become a nurse). In 11th grade, I was predicted a 4-6, then at the beginning of senior year, I was predicted a 3-5, and then halfway through senior year, I was predicted a 2-4. In grade 12 I finally got my shit together with school work (in grade 10-11 I handed in assignments late, rescheduled every other exam and was way too stressed), I didn’t stress, I didn’t study too much by any means (I was basically just organised which meant that even if I hadn’t completed all the homework set, when it came to the night before an exam I knew exactly what I needed to do) and I got exactly the marks and OP I was aiming for. I duxed my two favourite subjects (Math C and Accounting), came 3rd in Math B, and placed in the top 6 for the other two subjects that counted towards my exit result. I was so proud of myself - because those placements are within a cohort of 250 girls. I got the best mark possible on the QCS test (it’s a test all senior students where I’m from have to do, which is basically an general knowledge test that determines how smart your school’s cohort is) and I ended up getting an OP 2, which means I’m in the top 6-7% of students in the whole of my state. Then I got offered an academic scholarship to the university that was my first preference, to study the course that was also my first preference (Accounting and Mathematics, incase you couldn’t tell from my favourite subjects hahaha). However, at the moment I seem to have got myself into a bit of a funk. You see, the past 12+ years of my life this has been my goal. This is what I’ve been working towards for as long as I can remember and I finally achieved it. This is where my (incredibly minuscule) dilemma begins. I had decided years ago what I wanted to study at university, but I still don’t know exactly what job I want to get after my course. So right now I don’t have a set goal, for one of the first times in my life, and I’m slightly worried to be honest. Hopefully I’ll figure out what job I want within the next two years.

Basically, the year ended on a high because of my exit result and scholarship, and although I’m certainly not a social butterfly at this point, I know I’m going to make a bunch of friends at uni and stay in touch with a few girls that I liked talking to during my time at high school. At the moment I would say I am pretty happy, so that’s good.

So, 2016, you have contained a heck load of ups and downs, but now you are finally done and dusted, and although I’m kind of shit scared about being thrown into a completely different situation this year at uni, not being a school student for the first time since I was 4, I’m ready. Bring it on 2017.

#text #2016

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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The sky is a beautiful blue today~ (Some updates, nicer things, random snippets of memories and why I write about weather so much lol)

I was thinking maybe I should write about something lighter, like the things I did recently, in particular the good things, my small triumphs and such c:

I’ve spent a lot more time out with my sister (and sometimes her bf and my mum) recently, especially in the case of going shopping~! I bought quite a lot of nice tops with interesting and motivating text based designs on them (maybe I’ll photograph them sometime), and some of them were on sale too yay! :3 Usually I try and avoid going out too many times in a row or when I don’t feel mentally prepared beforehand but I went and it was alright! Though some of the times I had no choice as I had a doctors appointment, but instead of just going home I went to the shops or the supermarket afterwards and had a nice long browse around~

I used to remember a long long time ago when I was younger I really did not enjoy shopping and would always constantly be asking when we could go home lol but now it’s pretty fun (apart from the fact I’m actually really poor). Also a long time ago I would trail around after my sis or whoever, but now I go off on my own and look at whatever I feel but sometimes my sis trails after me instead lol and likes to moan about me looking at things too slowly quite a lot. It makes me anxious but I told her about it so she does it less or I’ll tell her to go look at something else, cause I like taking my sweet time yo >3< I don’t mean like I only started doing this recently haha, but it did take quite a few years before I felt confident enough to go around on my own and actually enjoy it. I would go shopping completely on my own and take public transport after college and uni sometimes and such, I feel I’ve kind of taken a step back since then but I’m not back at square one at least I guess, it’s something!

I still feel awkward and anxious when people are blocking the way of an aisle or when they’re looking at the same rack of stuff, but I’m gonna try and push these feelings aside, be more assertive and so and so. There were also times where certain unusual situations were kind of traumatic for me and maybe I’ll write or draw about them sometime, but they’re not important and I shouldn’t keep thinking back on them and feeling hurt. I still sometimes get that ‘lost kid that has to look down every aisle and worries everyone already paid and left’ feeling after wandering around when I go to the supermarket with my parents lol, because they are all about being quick so they can go home and get ready for work and stuff, but having a phone now unlike when I was a kid and didn’t have one makes everything suck much less hah take that!

Anyways, back to the present! The weather has been pretty flip floppy lately, on some few random days the weather was real hot and some super rainy and cold and some calm and neutral, like today. I really love when it spontaneously rains so hard and immediately after the sky is such a wonderful clear blue, I feel it’s analogous to when you have are suddenly overcome with negative emotions and once they pass you feel at ease and can think with clarity again aka. the calm after the storm. I really like the weather and making weird metaphors about it as you could probably tell already lolol. The weather is just something that’s always there, something that affects mood but is also so moody itself, something everyone experiences and uses for small talk and something so mundane but also wonderful and unpredictable (unless you look at the forecast everyday, I mean it’s real easy to check on the phone widget but I don’t haha, as much as I talk about it I don’t worship the weather channel or anything lol) ^^

Oh also in relation to this, when I said I was going to write this blog a bit more like a diary, it made me think of a time when I was little and my mum bought me a diary book. It was a simple Winnie the Pooh diary with a gold lock and guess what I wrote in it hahahaha I wrote in huge writing on each page a 3-4 word sentence of how the weather was that day LOL It was super wasteful and my sis and mum were like what even?! XD I’ve had lots of diaries since then and lots of attempts at writing about actual things but I’ve never been able to keep it up past a few days. I just hope this blog doesn’t die out like my past diaries or become a brief weather description collection either hahaha. Today’s post title is kinda like a tribute or slightly more advanced version of my kiddie diary x3

Okay enough about that lol! One of the days recently I went to the park~! I did say I wanted to go and my sister suggested it. It was some time in the afternoon on a weekday so it wasn’t to busy. It was pleasant and refreshing to go walkies sine I hadn’t gone there for a while, even though I really really hate all kinds of bugs (and things that have bugs in them, like trees) and shriek and flail at their presence lol. I saw some pretty flowers, sat on the see saw with my sis briefly (which I was nervous about cuz there were kids around and well I’m not a kid anymore *sob* but I will always be a kid at heart and so will my sis, so I did it anyways! Yolo, gotta sit my but on all the things next time XD). I also saw the duckies! Or well I think they were actually geese but they were so pretty and derpy and their little floofy babies omg! ;w; Soooo cute!! I definitely want to go see them again sometime :D I’ve come to kind of dislike zoos (and aquariums too) because I feel so bad seeing some of them so distressed looking and it feels unfair that they have to live in such a contained and artificial space without choice, but when there’s wildlife living free like the duckies in the lake, it’s just such a pleasant thing to witness.

Oh also some good today was I cooked my own breakfast...kinda... It was just a fried egg with tuna in it pretty much and there was rice too (made in a rice cooker not by me lol) but I cooked the egg part! It takes so much convincing for me to be able to do just this. My mum and dad don’t like me hanging around the kitchen because ‘you’re too slow’ and ‘you’ll make a mess’ etc. I know they keep babying me and want things to go smoothly their way... but it needs to change! I don’t want to be dependant forever :c I was persistent this time and I’m glad! :D And I also suggested that maybe everyday I could maybe learn something new from them, whether it be just some small technique or a recipe or whatever. I am lacking in well... life skills because I was never taught or allowed to do certain things, like cooking for example. I can make something easy like instant ramen or pasta, but they usually handle all meals and don’t let me experiment or cook for reals. The only thing they really trust me with is making tea and sandwiches and the only time I cooked something from a recipe was cooking class at school a long time ago lol. Sometimes I help my sister bake stuff, but they get annoyed at her too for being in the way and stuff, but she isn’t a weak spirited person like me so she just carries on haha.

I can watch video tutorials all I want but it’ll never be useful without actual execution and practice, you know! >< My dad is a chef and is particularly prideful of his cooking, and also quick to insult and get annoyed for small mistakes, so it’s gonna be tough but I’m gonna try anyways! Lately I’ve been trying harder to just chat and bond with my dad more, we watch drama/animation series together at supper which is nice~! (Even though he feigns reluctance to watch and that he’s interested sometimes lol). Conversation is particularly hard because of the language barrier, but if I make the conversation about learning language like I did the other day and maybe now even about learning cooking stuff, then maybe things will go at a much better pace :D

I also drew some things I was kind of happy about lately, and didn’t give up on trying to interact online even though I really wanted to! I need to get my stuff organised and start posting stuff! I feel like the longer I leave it, the less it’s making me wanna do it, stop it perfection, you’re unnecessary! x^x I really hate having an empty account, it makes me feel like a creep (like on youtube it’s okay but on other places it’s unusual, right?) ;^; Something I keep forgetting is that there is no rules and no obligations for me (or anyone else) to do anything or feel anything. There’s no right or wrong, silly self! I need to stop worrying so much and just go for it! Yolo the hell out of everything (maybe that’s not quite the right phrase lol) and just stop falling into the paralysis by analysis trap! X3 Imma try harder! ò^ó

Uh uhhh before I end this, I have some update-y stuff on my therapy situation... I have my first appointment tomorrow! I’m so nervous!! xAx The funny thing though (or well, not really), is that when my doctor was giving me options on who to see, I could either go for the general therapist who works in the same facility or to go for the referral service for a more specific recommendation. I opted for the second in hope that I could see someone with a specialism in idk... AVPD or personality disorders (if there is a such thing), but it seems I’ve ended up going full circle and ending up getting recommended to the general therapist back here >< I mean, at least it’s convenient and better than nothing I suppose... Anyways, I don’t know how it’ll go so I shouldn’t make any assumptions or have any wild expectations. I can do this! It’ll be okay! I’m glad I got a female therapist, because I get even more nervous around guys and the one I had in the past was ahhh idk... maybe I’ll write about it with whatever I write about after the app tomorrow. I just hope it goes well!

Don’t give up! You can do it! Have a nice day~! :3

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anything-advice-blog · 7 years

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idk what’s come over me but im living in a constant state of fear. I’m scared that something really bad is going to happen to me, like death? idk why this is, i think it’s b/c im graduating uni in a month and going on my dream vaca and have no clue wat im doing when i come back. I feel im at the end of my line. I’m also walking around with wisdom teeth that need to be pulled but I cant afford that atm so it’s scaring me as well. (i know they can be removed later once I find a job w/ insurance)

cont. I’m feeling really anxious, when im at home thinking that somethign bad will happen and I cant focus on school. I just want my vacation day to come quick so I can enjoy it and come back home safe and sound. I almost think im like bad luck everytime i discuss future plans and goals something has to bother me and go wrong. please help me I can’t focus im so scared tag as :vacationdoom

vacation doom again, can u guys please try to answer me quickly. can i add i think it’s paranoia that is my problem, i keep scaring myself with medical issues and ive been fine. Like the wisdom tooth thing ive spoken to friends and fam and they say ill be okay and just get it fixed when im back from vacation and have money/job. Idk why im scared these thoughts in my head wont leave me alone that I can’t be happy and I have no future. Im so scared so scared

Hey love,

First, let’s take a few breaths, okay? Take a deep breath in through your nose. Breathe slowly over a count of 5. Feel your lungs being expanded. Imagine a balloon being blown slowly and fully. Then slowly exhale through your mouth, cycling your breath through your system. Imagine that you’re getting rid of the air in the balloon. Imagine your stress radiating off with each breath. Keep breathing until you feel that you are calmer.

Whenever you fee like everything is too much, just try and focus on breathing. Whether you die today or in a million years, just focus on breathing for now. We can’t predict the future with certainty but we can do with what we have right now. We’re alive so breathe for now.

The fear of death is very common. I believe the majority of people alive are afraid of death. It’s the fear that we have to face every day; however, instead of letting it stop you from giving your life, let it encourage you to live it to the fullest. Whenever you get these anxieties, try and write them down. What are you afraid of? Is it just death or perhaps it’s triggered by a certain thing? A lot of people are more anxious about death when they’re faced with a certain trigger. Like natural disasters or when they feel ill. Hypochondriac can feel as though they’re dying when they have a small thing like stomachache and it’s not like they’re exaggerating. For them, it’s the truth so they’ll think of the worst things. I feel this way back in November after the elections. With the anxiety that was already brewing in the community, state, and the country about the election, it made me even more fearful. After the election, people became more aggressive towards people of colour and other minorities so I became extremely afraid. I was scared to get gas and the station was a block from my school.

So write it down. Once you’ve done that, try and make logic of it. Does it make sense for you to be afraid of earthquake if you live outside of the west coast? That statistics for that isn’t high and although it’s not impossible, you can pretty much be correct to say there won’t be one tomorrow. Or does it really make sense to feel like you’re going to contract ebola? Have there been cases in the area? Are you traveling abroad soon to places where cases of ebola has been known? If not, then you can pretty much be certain you probably won’t get that either. Try to talk to yourself about these things and really think about it.

I don’t know what about the wisdom teeth that’s got your freaked out, but call your doctor if you need to and ask the questions you need answered. How long are you putting it off? How far has it come in? Does your doctor say that if you don’t have it out ASAP something will happen? I put mine off for a year and it wasn’t until my headaches got really bad that I got them out. It was the same reason: money. So talk to your doctor if you need to and see what you can do about it in the time you have to wait.

I don’t believe in the fact that you can’t be happy or that you have no future. Unless you don’t want to be happy or don’t want a future, you can make it happen. Happiness can be found within yourself. You can make yourself happy. With or without a significant other. You have a future. You’re going to do things and be in places. It may not be the future you had dreamt of when you were six but it’s a future. If you keep working at it, if you keep trying, you’re going to end up in a place that’ll make you happy. If you don’t want to settle for a mediocre future, then keep pushing. Keep fighting for what you want because it’s your life. It’s your choices. It’ll be hard and it’ll suck some times but if you give it your best then that’s a better future than you can hope for.

I highly suggest you talk to some friends that you trust about these fears. Perhaps some of them share these fears and you guys can find comfort in each other. Or they can just comfort you because they’ve been through it before. As for your other anxieties, it may be helpful to talk to a counsellor about them. You may feel that they’re unreasonable but there’s no fears too unreasonable. Fears are fears and you can’t help them. The more you talk about them, the more you face them head-on, the better you can become at handling them.

You can do natural things that’ll help ease your anxiety. If you know you’re more prone to anxiety when you feel stressed, do various things to help ease the stress levels. Exercise, go for a walk, stretch, draw, sew, paint, read, shower, etc. Help yourself in ways that you can find helpful. Make sure that you’re drinking and eating enough. When you’re not getting enough nutrients, your body can freakout and become more stressed than necessary.

As your plans for after your vacation, take them one at a time. Are you going to University? Are you planning on working? Look into it, one by one. You don’t need to have it all figured out. I graduated college and I honestly can’t tell you where I’ll be next year. I can’t even tell you what I’m doing this summer for work. But take it one day at a time because sometimes you just have to do that.

I hope you have fun on your vacation

Always by your side,

Kelly

#anxiety #fear of death #vacation doom #vacationdoom #graduation #graduating #high school #vacation #dream vacation #wisdom teeth #no future #goals #anonymous #kelly #answered #advice #advice blog #anything advice blog

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