#now I lay me down to break

[d3rpydoods]

I saw like 2 posts of this ship and knew what i had to do

#love the idea of bi han in denial over the fact that kung lao's getting through to him #kung lao w bi han be like “me and the bad bitch i pulled by being autistic” #I spend like 3 days on this #exam-procrastination motivation hits different #“THE VOICES” #anyway imma lay down now #everything hurts #i'll probably take a break from animatics after cramming 2 out in so little time #anyways enjoy #bilao #kunghan #bi han #bi han mk1 #kung lao #kung lao mk1 #mk1 #mortal kombat #my questionable creations #animatic

[seariii]

Wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife babygirl wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife love wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife princess wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife honey wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife

#im gonna kiss the mental break down out of her #i love women... #hecho con amor #wife <3 #im not ready to wake up yet tho... nor to face the consequences of that message.... #i wanna hug Kotoko.... gently hold her in my arms while we lay down on our bed. ill run my fingers through her hair and place little kisses #on her head 'its going to be okay. im here with you' i whisper softly 'you arent alone. you did what you could' #i just wanna hug her so gently and give her the soft treatment she deserves... #heh .... im now imagining the full fledged scene... at the very end of it just a soft #'thank you for trusting me. i know it wasn't easy. im proud of you for trying' #because she would be so hesitant to say anything...barely able to show herself like thst in front of anyone..m she truly is making an effort #heh and after s couple seconds of silence after that thank you i can see her hugging slightly tighter #burying her face on my chest/neck area and sighing 'i dont like this' as in being emotionally vulnerable #'thank you for doing it still' i would whisper back to her softly #lets see if i can still sleep for a bit more

[icewindandboringhorror]

........creachure

#cats #his eyes are always so big and weird he no longer looks like a cat anymore sometimes.. in a way... #it's hard to understand.. complicated vibes on this boy #his summer sprawl (laying flopped out on the floor weird because of the heat) #I AM still trying to get some costumes done and also post another poll advtnure so I can finally finish it lol #the weather this month has just been soooo.... There was the heat wave and then after like 2 days of coolenss where I was like 'ah! finally #I can be productiv!' but just as soon as I had recovered from the heat.. it got hot again ghhhh #currently sweating inside. I actually had to leave my doctors appointment early today because I was just so so warm from #sitting in the car and the fac tthat half the buildings still do not have their air up very high and etc. and I felt so nausous #and flushed and started to get back and stomach pains for some reason.. Which I guess is good in a way to further confirm to doctors that #I Have Something Wrong With Me lol (most normal people should not be this heat sensitive I think) but is also still a little stinky #because I still payed a copay for the fulla appointment time but cit it short by leaving 15minues early.. grrr #ANYWAY. It seems like recently it's just hot all the time but it will ocasionally tempt you with a cool day of reprieve BUT don't let your #guard down! because as soon as you start to think 'hey things are getting better! :0' the sun will be like NO actualy. scalding temperature #be upon ye.. #Which of COURSE. I would rather have hot weather with little breaks in between than just constant hot weather. 100% definitely. #but it just always makes me sad because I get my hopes up lol.. JUST as I've recovered from the past heat and am So Ready To Start #On All My Things now That I'm Not As Sick And Hey Maybe It's Even Cool Enough To Do A Costume! .. my hopes are dashed #.. woe and so on and so forth. . Which I am stil managing to get a few things done but just.. not the things I really WANT to do (costumes. #sculptures. edit videos. etc. ). #anyway.. look at son.. If nothing else I still have lots of cat photos.. my sole productivity offerings to the internet online world

[leviiackrman]

Did I choose to start redecorating my room this evening? Yes. Have I only just finish for the night? Also yes. There will be more tomorrow tho…

#personal* #jess talks #started the day really keen to draw Chika in her anime form but in different ages #was going really well until my new years plan gripped me SO MUCH I had to do it today lmao #and if I decide I now don’t like it (cus it’s less cosy) then I have time before I go back to work to rejig it again! #anyway it’s cute #more practically for when I’m working #doggy will hate it tho cus she can’t lay on my bed and look out the window anymore #might have to invest in a crochet/reading chair that she can fit on #also feels weird cus I don’t have any wall art or pop figures out🤯 #this was all to make more space for my shelves anyway technically #so once I get another bookshelf I can dedicate it solely to pops!! #I think my depression is hitting again tho #cus I always do this before a break down #‘need a change’ is my tell lmao #anyway pray for me

[mwagneto]

the way 3 of my biggest long term hyperfixations that all started within a few months of each other in 2019 all came back to haunt me within the same amount of months in 2023 and two of them ENDED they want me to die so bad

#except I didn't like gh/osts s5 but d/oom patrol s5 was really good but they both made me cry insanely hard so whatev #gomens 2 didnt make me cry at all but it did horrendous things to me so yknow #LITERALLY WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. NOW WHAT #goddddddddddd what an incredible finale. lays down and decomposes #doom patrol #bbc ghosts #good omens #gomens #i DONT want this in the tags but i want them in my tags sorry😐 #OH ALSO. the way season 4 finales are always always ALWAYS a letdown.... breaking the pattern........ #bl/ack sails s4 finale was incredible too but idt anything i watched live that ended on its #4th season ever ended well. sh*rlock... k/illing eve..... mr r/obot........ some other shite i forgor💀

[halogalopaghost]

.

#I'm having anxiety for some reason which is an unfamiliar physical feeling for me #I do depression and my SISTER does anxiety we're the mental illness brothers you see #but nooo apparently she has lent me some anxiety or whatever #anyway I was feeling useless and kind of like shit about how I never do anything anymore #and never get anything done or help around the house or even clean up my own living space #so I just decided I was gonna get out of bed at three in the morning and sweep the whole house #which like. that's fine I guess #and I wouldn't sit down or take a break even when I wanted to stop because I have got to!! start fucking doing things I can't just #be a lump that complains and consumes resources all my life #but anyway that was a bad idea or whatever bc my hands and feet got real hot and red and now I feel like I'm gonna frow up #I'm laid out on the couch near the phone charger. save me phone charger. charger for my phone save me #so what do we think am I feeling unwell from the activity because I don't do the activity enough or because I am just unwell #last time I swept a large area AND mopped was less than a month ago #I. also had to lay down after that actually except I was at work #just laid across a row of seats like yeah just. gimme a fuckin second to necromancy myself here #anyway #I'm a lil anxious bc of my neurology appointment I guess?? it's either that or the Wellbutrin #OR a yet to be identified food sensitivity maybe?? #I actually have no fucking clue I just have a bunch of ideas ranked by plausibility #I'm. a little dizzy and the nausea is mcgetting me #farewell cruel world it's been nice knowing u

[the-teddy-bear-butch]

starting to realize i’ve spent so much of my life longing for and working towards the future and now i struggle to just. live in the present sometimes

#I had to do good in school just to be ready for college #I would lay awake at night longing to be independent and out of my parent’s house #hitting college and suddenly everything is about a career #my major and taking honors courses and research all to get a job in the future #and now I’m about to graduate and I don’t have a Big Thing to work towards #unless I go to graduate school which I’ve been second guessing #did I decide to go to grad school for the right reasons? was it just something new and bigger to work toward? #and realizing how I haven’t let myself be present #I wonder if it’s why I lost contact with my board game group #in part anyway #idk I just struggle to think about Now #it’s always needing to be prepared #I need to figure out housing for next semester #and money to save for a new car #I have to look for jobs for the future #I have to figure out where I’m going after graduation #if there’s any way to get away from my parents #I don’t want to run toward the future all the time #I want to take a break and sit on the porch and relish the Now #idk it’s 2:30 and my brain is being Weird #but I think y’all and D&D have really helped me slow down and take time to appreciate where I am Right Now #nonsensical 2:30 am rambles

[seventh-district]

i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)

#Seven’s Public Diary #vent #vent post #cw vent #cw vent post #cw health #cw heart #i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it #i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help #sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me #he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me #sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree #have i Ever actually relaxed #hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch #anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things #a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal #so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now #and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser #i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever #if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked #all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is #every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse #anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches #‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now #i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC #which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it #i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead #anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t. #it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about #i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father

[akkivee]

rambling about the tdd manga because i can lol:

the entire thing sure did reinforce how convoluted chuuoku’s schemes are lol all that just to test run and create the drbs bruh 😭😭😭

the line at the end where ichijiku and otome are discussing how much more poignant the battles are because they brought them together and then forced them to fight is all sorts of fcked up y’all 😭😭😭😭😭😭

anyway from the beginning lol the mic otome uses is a different mic from even just the next chapter, i wonder if it’s just an non-finalized design or an early iteration of the mic???? like rio has a prototype mic and this is not that lmao. aaaaah but rio’s might be military grade prototype and otome has the version rei presumably finalised on his own???? a different version altogether???? hmmm 🤔

nemu is 16 in that first chapter and ichiro is 17 which would mean all the territory disputes, fixes, and mozuku’s plot to usurp mcd took place in a week lol hypmic’s timeline is SHAKY

(the official timeline helps this a little actually lol)

(maybe)

kuukou, swinging red flags from the beginning making fun of ichiro’s mom lol, also fcked around making fun of samatoki’s dead father and found tf out lmao

kuukou is an entire menace in the tdd manga i see why i had a hard time telling myself not to like him when he first showed up lmao

that theory kuukou might have some sort of brain damage wound up slightly reinforced when kuukou remembered sasara reused an old joke when he seemed to have forgotten that sasara is not funny by the time they reunited lmao he has a great memory in the tdd manga

(that joke sasara reused was only in samatoki’s presence too so kuukou also broke some sort of dimensional wall lmao)

speaking of sasara!!!!!!

ikeBOOBkuro????? really????? and then he had that dumbshit d🍆ck joke he made in dod the clowns DO NOT have rights!!!!!!!!!!

lol tho every time i read these early chapters with sasara, aramaki-san’s track 3 sasara always comes to mind lol like mcd sasara was intimidating actually that’s exactly why track 3 sasara is like that 😭😭😭😭😭😭

hmmmm are the special forces or whatever that tried to hijack the hospital jakurai worked at the same as rio’s special forces???? i’ll have to keep that in mind reading bbmtc manga lol

I STILL BELIEVE JAKURAIS WAVE TECHNIQUE WAS THE VERY FIRST ITERATION OF THE HYPNOSIS MIC TECH

still a little pissed mcd vs nb was the first drb in structure and symbolism (forced conflict created by a higher ruling power used to gain/reinforce power by said higher power and wound up entertaining the masses) and yet sasara and kuukou were booted out of the narrative like that

there was a moment where i Almost Almost considered that ramuda had started to consider bringing sasara and kuukou into his plans in chapter 11 based on how pissed he looked after ichijiku told him they brainwashed them. it’s more likely that ramuda’s mad another ‘him’ died more than anything but it’s nice to consider lol

the terrorist scene where nemu and the baby yamada bros got kidnapped is still insane btw

iconic samajuto first(?) meeting lol lemme just handcuff myself to this man who is already listening to me said juto lmao

NEMUS NERVES OF STEEL FR AN OLD MAN THREATENS BODILY HARM TO HER BUT LITERALLY NOBODY IS SCARIER TO HER THAN HER FATHER SO SHE NEVER FLINCHED

JIROS FIRST BETRAYAL ITS NO WONDER HE STARTED ADOPTING SOME OF ICHIROS SELF PRESERVATION LESSONS

THE FACT SABURO BLOCKED NEMU OUT FROM HIS MEMORY SO LIKELY THIS ENTIRE KIDNAPPING????? PLS PROTECT THE CHILDREN HE HAS PTSD YALL AT 11

and what was UP with that orphanage director in the first place???? who do you choose: money grubbing, child labour exploiting for hoes orphanage director or murderous, gets off on torture and sells children for their superiority complex orphanage director

like WTF????

(also: that extra bb tdd chapter is fcked up too you know mozuku only told ichiro about that first director wasting funds because he wanted to replace him with his associate 🤬)

the face nemu makes when samatoki starts kicking her kidnappers while they’re down help 😭😭😭😭😭😭

in the final tdd bonus, they adapted jakurai’s story he told to dohifu during their championship celebration and used that story to show jakurai had already been slowly awakening his ability. so i think it’s incredible smic didn’t suffer from hearing loss after slamming sticks into their eardrums lol maybe that’s where sensei’s ability started forming

kuukou in chapter 9: man check out all these cute girls!!!! 😁

kuukou in the nb drama track: why tf would you pay to talk to women????

(very unrelated instances lol but hilarious out of context tho)

kuukou and sasara going home in the same direction gave them time to talk and get to know each other and i wanna know what their conversations were about soooooo bad bro 😭😭😭😭

mcd/nb break up Did Not Happen I Do Not See It 😑

that moment where samatoki tells nemu ichiro’s kindness is his weakness because he saw ichiro’s breakdown over kuukou leaving him is— it’s kinda— 😭😭😭😭😭😭

yotsutsuji is an unsung mvp in this manga lol look at all the legwork he put in managing territories and finding intel

tdd was the group ramuda made and it was the group he made for himself but it was never his in the first place 😕

but if yotsutsuji never found out ramuda’s secret, or here; if yotsutsuji didn’t manage to send jakurai an email about it, idk if rmjk would have separated???? like what was the plan for jakurai??? ramuda said jakurai was his nirvana so i guess until chuuoku forced it, kp likely would have stayed together huh?? 🤔

ramuda: chuuoku kidnapped your brothers ichiro!!!!!

ichiro: AGAIN?????

me: damn took the words right out of my mouth lmao

samatoki’s beef with ichiro came from the lies they had nemu tell samatoki but like,,,,,,,,,,,, i kinda wanna know how the damage would have shaped if nemu hadn’t been brainwashed and went on her own will,,,,,,,,,,,

like ichiro admitted he likely would have done the same thing as samatoki but that hurt and betrayal at that moment……..????? well ig it’d go the same way in the end lol

chapter 9 had a conversation with rei and otome where rei praises her son for having balls lol so dice was on the run by 18 and making a name for himself lol i need to keep that in mind for a certain few chapters in both fpmtr runs

i thought it was interesting the battle that brought japan under tdd took place in osaka lol

also came out of this experience wondering once again when did ichiro get his hypnosis ability lol like ramuda already had his jakurai’s developed throughout the story, as did samatoki’s on the dl, but ichiro????

also came out of this very concerned for what this story has in store for nemu again lol like the way rhyme anima put focus on what she could possibly do as well as the end of this manga having otome and ichijiku musing her ability and skill might rival ichijiku’s 🤔

ooooooh and that kp bonus chapter!!!!!! ramuda had jakurai suffering under that waterfall lol like he was about to contract hypothermia after a little bit and ramuda ‘reasons’ it’s good training for taking hits without being knocked out SO YOU KNOW WHO REGULARLY TRAINS UNDER WATERFALLS FOR HOURS AT A TIME WITH A FOCUS BASED ABILITY HARAI KUUKOU—

#this is vee speaking #it was a fun time lol always is #samatoki and ichiro’s relationship in those first few chapters cracks me up the same way rio and saburo’s rhyme anima relationship does lol #like both instances rio and samatoki just lay down the law with a smack down and stand up and go ‘here’s some more tools for your success’ #smack down be damned lmao #kinda cried over the nb/mcd break up that didn’t happen this read thru lol #it was just the little things that subtly drove home how important kuukou was to ichiro 😭😭😭 #like that face off with nb&mcd vs mozuku was a fight for ichiro’s freedom like no wonder that hug was Like That kuukou was happy for him #ichiro was glad he was there 😭😭😭😭😭😭 and ichiro was glad kuukou’s steady presence was staying right by him IM WEAK #nemu was such a good big sister figure to jiro and saburo i’m sad nemu didn’t get to befriend the yamadas like she wanted to 😭😭😭 #ik ichiro crying over kuukou was a bit of a reset for samatoki but if anything that should show just how much ichiro would treasure nemu #don’t fight nemu and ichiro getting close samatoki y’all are meant to be one big happy family lmao #and i am not getting over saburo blocking her from memory saburo is not okay!!!!! he’s not!!!!!! #i should analyse saburo’s ability for what it pertains to himself like its name is ‘delete’ and here’s saburo deleting his memories like 😭😭 #anyway plenty more to think about which was the point of this reread lmao #canon’s starting back up in less than two months now’s a good time for it actually 🤔 #c: rapping boys

[icecreamsoup]

A.

#I got what i’m thinking is a mild ear infection from swimming and it’s driving me insane #at first I had bad headaches from the pressure in my ears but those have gotten better #the only thing I have now is a bit of dizziness #which isn’t exactly terrible #but it’s been giving me really bad brain fog and that’s what’s been annoying me #it’s been stopping me from the drawing and the stress of the whole situation has made me just tired all the time #all I’ve been doing is laying in bed and I feel really lazy because of it #even though doing anything else causes me discomfort or pain #like I said it’s gone down a lot since it started but it’s still definitely there and I’m still unable to draw for long before needing to #take a break #and I can’t even listen to music because my headphones make my headaches come back #anyway #sorry for rambling #vent #tw vent #cw vent #also sorry if the grammar here is bad I’m really tired

[thegreatbeyondmp3]

bro it sucks so much to have to go to work when you're sick

#i dont wanna go but literally if i miss another day they could fire me 😬 #i don't have covid at least according to the home tests but like. i still have a cold or something #and i can't call out because our time is so restricted #and its not even the worst attendance policy i know of but it still sucks to have to work around #esp coming from my last job where i could take off literally as much time as i needed to basically whenever i needed/wanted to #added on top of the fact that i just don't want to fuckin be there anyway #and that im scared im gonna pick up covid bc my immune system is currently weakened #ugh. i have to get through tomorrow and the next day #and then im off again #and then im on one more day before im back off again #so i will have a rest day again pretty soon at least #after being off the last three days #(the first was my legit day off but it was very busy and few days before that were the roughest of a tough couple of weeks - #the second i took off bc i had to babysit and. being completely honest. i watched all of fellow travelers thr night before. and esp after #how bad a time id been personally having lately. all the suffering and the loneliness and the romance just hit me so hard #tbh i just felt like i deserved a break and i could do some work at home to balance things out - #third day i woke up feeling sick and coughing pretty hard and just feeling generally miserable. which continued for most of the day. #but with less coughing until now bc im laying down) #i just wish i could take an extra day or two to actually kick this 😭 #sorry this is so long i can get locquacious when im tired

[possumkingluca]

finally listened to will wood's explanation of tomcat disposables after just... not doing that (i don't have an excuse i listened to it multiple times just never actually went and got the full story) and uh yeah i get it now sorry for being late to the sob fest guys WHAT THE FUCK i am never going to recover from this actually

#william woodiam why do you hurt me this way :( #:((((( #“Is there cheese in the great beyond? Rinds of parmesan” ???? #“Not one bite smaller or lesser than yours” ???????? #“Do I belong in right and wrong? Nature I guess” ???? #“My dreams were finally reality My struggles had a happy ending They must want to be friends” ???? #“My stomach starts to turn With thirst why does it hurt?” ???? #“So I stumble back to bed Something's not quite right Guess I'll just go rest my head” ???? #“Now as I lay me down to sleep I expect no dreams And no sweet goodbye to me” ??? #“Flatline in the morning light I held on so tight For so long it's just not right” ???? #SIR...... #I am going to VOMIT......... #i didn't know the story behind it and I didn't understand why people were crying over it............... but now........ NOW........ #i've yet to cry over a song but god damn this might be the one that breaks me #“Is there cheese in the great beyond? Rinds of parmesan” and “They must want to be friends” hurt me the most i think actually #will wood #in case i make it #tomcat disposables #possum rambles

[cosmic-hoboandthehighlander]

All I wanna do is write, I want to sit here and write for hours and hours with all the ideas I have but everytime I open the document…nothing comes out.

I am mentally not okay and I don’t know why, but I know I don’t “just have writers block”

#depression tw #and I can’t write because for some reason writing for me isn’t working right now #and all I think about is how my writing isn’t good and I’m wasting my time writing a ship other people don’t ship #I’m sorry for complaining. I think I need to go lay down and give myself a break

[bbubbleo]

We broke up but at one point one of our Quackitys was dating 2 Wilburs and 3 Quackity’s in our former partner sys, he was having fun at least lol

GOD SPEED THREE QUACKITYS- this is all prefaced with, obv your partner being an introject does not play a part in dating them yada yada it is just fun to joke about because its hell in this house BUT THREE OF THEM? im so sorry /very silly-

none of my partners are an introject of quackity but im sure its going to happen at one point and god help everyone around us /sillay

#q.txt #lays my head down on my desk in shame #5 wilburs #3 schlatts #2 sapnaps #dont LOOK at me i also have no room to talk #again this is all /very silly as it does not really matter #and me and any person who is dating introjects obv see their partners for who they are now- BUT IT IS SILLY #1 of the wilburs is inner system but i think its funny to bloat the number #also i hope the break up was like fine so sorry </3 /genu ouhg

[binch-i-might-be]

.

#i'm in so much pain el oh el #it's the second day of my period. at home the painkillers worked just fine. the INSTANT i left for work they stopped working #like i've taken four 500mg pills which includes my backup pill for work so now i don't have any more painkillers on me #it's pulling down into my calfs. i can barely stand. i can't sit #i'm legit about to burst into tears because my clothes don't feel right on my body and everyone keeps talking to me and i'm so overwhelmed #and everything fucking hurts i just want to lay down on my cold floor #currently eating a tub of ice cream in the break room and aggressively bouncing my knee to try and keep it together #it's over four hours until i can go home why is every day i'm here just an exercise in suffering #i was fine at home everything was fine before i got dressed and headed out i'm going to scream

[crossbackpoke-check]

"This extra space next to me belongs to you. I know where I end now. I won't get lost." -- shoot me (metaphorically) and leave me for dead (metaphorically) why won't you. To make this about Dylan and maybe it's about Connor, maybe it's about Brinksy, maybe it's about any journeyman in the NHL. My brain screamed Chris Driedger and his memorable (to me) Players' Tribune article:

And how can you mention Dylan and Zach (Za-ach, the way Dylan says it) without me having a breakdown about them? You simply can't. And for the younger dudes, maybe it's a little Bords/Briss, not yet steady in The Show, a little bit of distance, a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately... and then a blurry insta story in Vegas. Just like old times but somewhere else. Maybe it's not the same bed, maybe it's not the same set of forks, but maybe it's the principle of the thing.

Anyway, goodbye. Sorry for this, your tag walls make me break out in imagined scenarios.

Much love. xxx

please never be sorry for sending me messages <3 i love reading them i love getting them i think they’re beautiful and i love them i’m!!!!! [🥹💕🦋🫧✨💘😭 <- the best approximation of what my heart is doing]

ok NOW i am taking this step by step because every narrative here kicked me straight in the knees (metaphorically) i am w e e p i n g (literally): i knew tangentially about chris driedger going to seattle but i had never read his players’ tribune love letter to seattle & all i can say is oh. oh. and with the part about trains delayed but still being right on time—

sometimes a dream is a truth your heart knows long before you do. the space that the city and the team made for him (“you’d be the only guy on the team”)🗣️🗣️🗣️ !!! but the way that chris talks about needing to put in the work & leo not letting him quit,,, that’s chris filling up the teakettle with twice as much water, crowding one side of the bed (falling asleep against a bus window dreaming), becoming unburdened by the idea of not being their guy, not having the fallback being their draft pick to content and settle himself with. that’s chris betting on a future. that’s the train coming down the tracks, right on time.

(i am feeling unhinged about it)

SECOND. i know i was the one that said zach and dylan to start so technically i brought this on myself but also i have been ktfo by the mere mention of the way that dylan says zach’s name different from everyone else, stealing an extra breath, stealing as much time as he can get with him, which reminded me of a poem i just read:

The Need Is So Great, Jim Moore

^^^dylan still in love with zach even as he’s leaving, can feel himself losing him, and taking every sliver of the love in his smile that he can get. even if he knows zach doesn’t still feel the same way he’s drawing out the long goodbye & saying i love you in a thousand ways without ever saying it out loud (“i have been asking for a time but in ways that have no words” because he doesn’t want to ask too much, to ask for love) in the hope that zach will say it back OKAY I’M LEAVING i can’t do this

that was a lie because THREE. “maybe it’s the principle of the thing” please insert the most ungodly screech how could you just (lovingly) come in straight with the steel chair and bean me upside the head with that l i n e i think this story has the potential for such tragedy in it but also the most tender domestic longing because bords & briss have known each other for a long time (i think) and guys do sometimes lose themselves when they first get to the nhl.

it’s a big scene, you’re with big name guys, you’re finally doing the thing you always dreamed about, you’re no longer necessarily the best because everyone’s the best, you’re not sure how you fit in, you can get lost in the glitz and the glamor of it but you can also literally get lost in it, the slog of the season and getting caught up and down between teams and leagues and endless airports and buses and travel and ice rinks, losing your phone (accidental) and having new people hound you for quotes and fame and connection so you lose your phone (on purpose) and i think where i’m trying to go is: this could play out as the tragedy of borde going to the california coastline and briss shipping off to the vegas strip and both of them getting a little lost.

maybe there’s someone else, maybe i am steadfastly not thinking about “a summer that tries to erase and make up all the memories they've made separately” as either a summer of them pretending things are ok after a year of barely speaking and now being completely different people they never were before OR a summer of them trying to pretend like they can forget about each other because maybe they didn’t think their relationship was the same thing, is all, when they were or weren’t together. maybe it’s nobody’s fault but for the fact that they were scared and tired and lonely trying to make it in the big times and didn’t know how to show it. and then borde shows up with takeout and plastic forks in vegas and it’s december and nothing like winter in ann arbor and still they fill up all the empty spaces in each other with the things they didn’t know they’d miss until they were gone and this is the real thing, not whatever they were trying too hard to be, to recreate their own nostalgia for the love in their memories. it’s the principle of the thing, is all, to always be true to the love they have right now & not what they think it should be.

sorry that i wrote you kind of an essay of an answer but i had so so so many thoughts because your ask was so lovely so thank you for sending it to me (you are always welcome to!! i love your imagined scenarios!!! cannot even explain how much!!!) & thank you for taking the time to read my walls of tags :))) <3

#liv in the replies #every time you send me a message i do the thing where i’ve got heart emojis for thumbs & cease any coherency #FIRSTLY chris driedger who i loved as seattle’s goalie without even knowing the story: #dreidger fourth layer of a dream is making me tear up AGAIN hours later as i try to write this the echl the coast easy come hard to leave & #when he talks about being somebody’s guy laying my head down in the bog & dragging my hands over my face chris who let you say that. who let #u break my HEART i truly don’t think i will ever recover from the inception reference bc that’s what they all talk abt u know? the nhl dream #the players’ tribune articles are often some of the most poetic & touching sports writing & every time i am reminded i lose my shit about it #SECONDLY: #the ever present spectre of dylan’s first boyfriend zach werenski #i have so so so many quotes? drafts? posts? about the thing with saying someone’s name to call them closer to you i say your name to speak #more of you into the world so i will possibly look for some of those to say what i mean but also: this poem was originally reminiscent of #willingly by tess gallagher which is my ajax jack / superbuddies poem & this specifically did go with the a drop of paint / the light has #fallen through you part of it but there’s a part of THIS poem which i did not include that talks about the late light / has already happened #will go on happening forever & that whole poem with this now to say i know it’s embarrassing i’m asking for it :: easy to write about light #like falling asleep on the couch & having to carry yourself up to bed is the dylan/zach heartbreak of this. waiting & waiting for the things #you used to do & the love you used to / were promised to have with the hope that if you keep the coffee ready he’ll come drink it & instead #you have too many cups of tea one yours & one cold then half-warmed over & too sweet for your tastes but you’ve learned to drink it anyway #okAY now third: #this w/the UMICH BOYS? N O I DIDN’T EVEN!!! NOT A THOUGHT IN MY BRAIN!!! & now i can’t stop thinking!!! & i had an entire PLAYLIST already #a ??? while ago before i even truly knew the umich boys Narratives™️ i heard maude latour’s song ‘one more weekend’ & went hahaha isn’t that #a great song for when you have that One Summer of college before everyone splits off into their own lives? isn’t that a fun little umich boy #going into the nhl narrative?? to which i said NO but then it spiraled into a playlist &now there is delightful heartbreak to go with vibes #umich scholars please feel free to correct me if i’m wrong on any points i can’t remember anything presently about anything #also the f a c t that that vegas picture is real and i know exactly what you’re talking about is making me %^•*]+£’ bc how!! is that real!!! #okay ALSO just throwing in brinksy like a casual AHAHA have brainworm for a year (my autocorrect tried to go bringst like angst which. lmao) #connor and dylan… all of my journeymen… we did not touch that because i WILL start yelling about sam gagner and marc staal and #the chrysalis and the caterpillar