#not to say i dont have less joyous times but i like to enjoy the times when i do just experience joy

[the-s1lly-corner]

Heyy me again so about the creepypasta thing, I just wondered if you can do Ben drowned with a gen z reader platonically? It's okay if your uncomfortable doing it ><

Ben drowned x gen z!reader (platonic!)

not uncomfortable at all! love that im getting ben drowned requests since i enjoy him a lot and kind of want to write for him more; just strictly platonic ..which reminds me, i need to draw him again soon! gonna answer this then take a break and get back to requests yipe!

admin is still sold on the idea of ben being confined to electronics most of the time so i can easily see him gaining access to your devices so he can pester you whenever he wants; though this may get a little annoying since youre... well still alive! you have a life

whether or not the reader is a creepypasta themselves or is a normal person is up to you! i think both can work, though i must say the idea of the reader being just some random person is really funny. like can you imagine? you get some haunted virus but the ghost is chill an you guys become friends

i do think ben can only mess with devices, i dont think he can mess with like. any internet browser stuff.... which segways me to my next idea; the og creepypasta came out in 2010, majoras mask came out in 2000, so putting it in the middle lets say ben died in 2005.. bro has missed a lot. youre going to have to fill him in on a lot of stuff, and boy let me tell you hes going to be going nuts

tell him about the new legend of zelda games. i think he would be hyped. throwing admins hc of ben being sick and tired of LOZ due to being trapped in the game out the window, admin needs this boy to get joyous!

he probably pesters you and asks you about the dumbest shit, does it on purpose because he thinks its funny

sometimes you guys play video games together, bro is absolutely astounded by how far games have come since he passed away. i think he would go insane over five nights at freddys. fill him in on the lore

going back on the video game stuff and playing together, just know that hes going to break the game and cheat + hes a sore loser, soooooooo...

do you think sometimes he comes and tries to spend time with you more and more over time because hes been stuck for years and hasnt really had many people to talk to? like yeah hes an angry spirit, but even angry spirits deserve friends!!!

ponders

probably messes with you by messing with your recordings if youre trying to make a video/tiktok/reel/what have you

probably interjects his own texts into your posts, never really says anything harmful, just messes with spelling or adds dumb messages

honestly its not your SM account/blog, its yalls shared account/blog now/j

stuck with old 2000s humor but i think he would absolutely love present day humor and how unhinged its gotten, though quick warning hes going to start quoting stuff

definitely quotes the sticking out your gyatt thing, hes going to drive you insane with it and hes going to laugh at you

do not play roblox tycoons with him hes going to bully small children

you guys play a horror game together on roblox and you can hear him freaking out through the speakers (likely using an old device for him so youre not fighting for control over one device)

absolutely DEVASTED when you tell him club penguin shut down

just know hes punching the metaphorical wall

on the rare chance ben is able to pull himself into the real world for a brief period of time, you guys probably do the same stuff hes just physically there for a short time!

make him touch grass while hes out, bro hasnt touched grass in nearly 20 years. this isnt even a haha "hes chronically online" joke, he hasnt actually touched grass in years due to circumstances

closing this with a hit of angst that made me go :( but imagine that it starts out as you guys being around the same age (well... close enough, since ben doesnt age anymore due to being a ghost) but overtime, you obviously grow up and have less and less time for him and :(

like owie

"what happened to us? we used to be best friends?" audio but its you two SOBS AND CRIES

#creepypasta x you #creepypasta x reader #ben drowned x reader #ben drowned x you #ben drowned imagine #ben drowned headcannon #creepypasta imagine #creepypasta headcannons

[tresca]

Ngk

Stealing Crowley’s inarticulate consonants here to convey how ill equipped I feel to actually post anything. But I find myself completely overwhelmed at stumbling into the joyous and abundant good omens fandom. I’m no stranger to fandom but its been ages and ages since I attempted to be an active participant of any kind (big fan of lurking, me). My past fandoms have mostly been me going along the ride as things get rolling, building up, etc, slowly friending people, reading, finding forums, etc.

With GO though - I’ve always been a fan of the novel, enjoyed season 1 immensely, but never really went looking for the fandom. Was happy to enjoy it as a stand alone and await the next season and pick up my novel every now and then for a reread. (And get back to making my slow progress through more and more of discworld). I came back to S2 late, was caught up in other shows when it premiered and then I finally watched it in October/Nov and I was promptly bowled over with the tidal wave. That ending meant I couldn’t help myself, had to go find fics and discourse and art and anything to tide me over (particularly since S3 hadn’t yet been announced!). And I haven’t stopped since. I have felt like Aziraphale getting my first taste of the ox ribs and now I am voracious and I can’t seem to get enough. I thought it would be enough for me to just lurk and lurk and lurk, reading and following and liking and consuming. There’s just so many wonderful things to see and read amongst the fandom - yall are a bloody wonder. AND I’ve watched all of Staged multiple times now, listened to Radio Omens, am finally making my way (slowly) through Doctor Who (new, not classic) - a show countless people have always told me I need to watch, and on and on and I find myself wanting to be more a part of things this time, but not really sure how to jump into to a fandom months Too Late (I live in Another Place I guess). and oh god, don’t even get me started on how devastated I am to have missed the graphic novel kickstarter by being Too Late… and how are DT and MS in SO many things, and how do i even break into discord groups? and how did I not know how active NG is on tumblr, I mean, I hadnt even logged into tumblr in maybe a decade and its all so different yet so the same…

Er, ahem I got away from myself there. Not even sure anyone is actually reading this..

All this to say that If you happen to have stumbled here since I have been madly following and liking for the past few weeks. Hello! I’m gonna try to lurk less. You are all wonderful. Please dont mind the inarticulate tresca in the corner here. *meep*

#good omens #fandom #ngk #i miss livejournal #ramblings #hi

[comrade-marco]

despite being at a not great, scary point in my life as of lately, it is 1 am and i am just full of the joy that certainly sometimes accompanies my religion and i just. wow. i love loving God its so awesome to love Him and praise Him and feel like im actually being heard, whether my prayers are being answered or not, i still feel heard. and im happy, most of all when i get to discuss my religious joy. i just think sometimes its mind-blowingly awesome

#friendship ended with doubt #now God is matthews best friend #not to say i dont have less joyous times but i like to enjoy the times when i do just experience joy #even if its one in the morning

[teeth-and-tea]

ANIME & MANGA I HAVE BINGED IN THE LAST MONTH: May 2021

I've Been Hunting Slimes for the Past 300 Years and Now Ive Maxed Out My Level: incredibly long name aside, cute af slice of life that suffers Same Face Syndrome. I'm still happy to watch it because of how feel good and fluffy it is though, Im probably gonna forget about it in two or three years tho. 8/10.

Don't Toy With Me, Miss Nagatoro: I found out this was a webcomic first and suddenly all the HORNINESS made so much more sense. A Femdom, Degradation, Humiliation, Dacryphilia Bullies to Lovers story disguised as a high school rom-com which, I'm not going to lie, misses SKEEVY CITY by mere inches on a regular basis. However, I'm a Dom/Switch and this entire relationship sets off my dom brain center like New York City just shy of midnight. So if you're into that sort of scene, this anime is for you. If not, it's still fascinating but you're probably gonna be a little put off by how mean the Girl!Bully is to the guy MC. Unless you find out something about yourself, in which case, congrats! Stay safe, sane, consensual, and learn about the traffic light system on top of safe words, I promise you'll have a better life in general after that. Still Ongoing, currently 10/10.

Fruits Basket: IM GONNA CRY I LOVE THIS ANIME SO MUCH???? The original anime came out when I was in... I think middle school and my parents were really strict on what I watched so I never got to experience the first wave and I never bothered to watch the show ever after I moved out of the house years later. However, now that I'm much older I honestly can say this is one of my favorite anime to date, and all the characters are charming, lovable, with their own problems that I can connect to or sympathize with, and I love the MC which is always a treat tbh. Except Akito. Akito can suck a sandpaper dick. I'm only on S2 tho so no spoilers! Anime 11/10.

Monster Girl Doctor: went in thinking it was gonna be a monster girl who's a doctor with a homoerotic assistant (her name is SAPPHY okay sue me for thinking it) and ended up watching the entire dubbed harem series. Honestly, I've seen worse and this one has consistent follow-through on interesting characters and backstory enough for me to shove aside the blatant under-monstrousness of the female monsters and the harem-ness of everything else. Dubbing is honestly really good, which is a treat, and the monster designs are not the worst and the MC is tolerable. Honestly, I don't mind having watched it! The mix of cgi and the traditional animation together work pretty strangely though, and it often doesn't flow super well. 7.5/10

So I'm a Spider, So What: Dubbed version which honestly isn't that bad. Took me a bit to get into it, but after realizing that it's got a mismatched timeline a la The Witcher, it made so much more sense. Heavily done in cgi, and you can definitely tell between the 2D and 3D animations, but not the worst in the world. I went in not expecting much but it ended up being an Issekai I can stand and even enjoy. On god has a decent story... with the spider. I'd be a liar if I didnt say I skipped some of the human parts just to get back to the best part of the show. 8/10.

Somali and the Forest Spirit: I'm so fucking nostalgic for this thing it makes me want to go and hug my dad. About a human girl under threat of being eaten with a monster-dominated world. Very obvious "humans fear what they don't understand" message but instead of the humans learning tolerance it's what happens when they get annihilated first so like, kudos for the mangaka for having the guts to do that. I cried like a baby regularly. It's really good, I watched the dub and ID WATCH IT AGAIN!!! 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Oh my god. O h my g o d. Fell in love on the first episode, ngl. About if an immortal being learned how to be a person from scratch. I love it. HOWEVER. Keep a box of tissues on you at all times because you're gonna need them. I'm only on EP7 because that's all that's out right now but just know. I love it. Not for everyone but certainly for my "what do we define as human and the human condition" ass. 12/10.

Those Snow White Notes: A sports anime without any sports. About shamisen playing which is cool because I never realized how cool this instrument was??? Its neat af. OP1&2 are by Burnout Syndrom so know theyre fire. Gonna be real, its pretty alright, but not extraordinary. You can tell they were using the characters as archetypes rather than actually characters which kinda kills a lot of the emotional value you could've had, but I'm still gonna watch it. It doesn't make me cringe as hard as other sports anime tho so I consider it toptier in that regards but if you're a big sports anime fan you might be bummed out by it. Every single musical performance is INCREDIBLE tho. A solid 8/10.

Toilet Bound Hanako-kun: THE ART OMFG IT'S SO GORGEOUS. Listen, if you took coptic markers and gave them an animation budget with some manga panel direction thrown in there, that's this anime. It's beautiful. Gorgeous. I'm in love with the aesthetic every second. Story? Really good. Characters? I love the MC and his evil little twin brother asshat. Demons? Not super imaginative but I'm carrying on happy as can be anyways. Dubbing? A bit shaky at times but I found the voices charming if a little off for some of them. I'm already waiting for the second season with popcorn at the ready. 10/10.

Prison School: I watched this directly after Hanako-kun and it was like I got slapped in the face by sweaty unwashed titties and some fedora wearing schmuck's piss kink. No character is likable or redeemable. I finished it, but at what cost? 2/10 and only because a character shit his pants and I laughed.

Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle: watched this right after Prison School and it was NECESSARY tbh. Its so CUTE and honestly, im not even kidding you, the fucking funniest anime I've seen in months. I watched the dub and the VAs are having the time of their lives working on this anime not just giving it their all but literally just going ham. Its great. If I read this im sure id be bored outta my mind but the VAs giving it a joyous performance make it an insta fave for me tbh. 9/10.

Sk8 the Infinity: i watched the dub with my bro and I can confirm that its a spectacular show because we both loved it and we have vastly different tastes. Incredibly SUSPENSFUL AND STRESSFUL for an anime about skateboarding but we finished it in a single sitting tbh. The last episode is not dubbed for some reason but we still loved it. Like if Free! was less obnoxious but the only fan-service here is Joe ♡ a beefcake who owns my lesbian heart. I think there's exactly one named female character tho and I legit couldn't tell you what it was if there was a gun to my head. So, over all, 9.5/10.

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: I'm going to be entirely honest, I went in thinking it was going to be a boring isekai of no value. I was right about the Isekai part. It was honestly pretty interesting and focused on nation building like you're playing civilization rather than the usual "Get Stronger" narrative or "Get Some Pussy" narrative most isekais take which is delightfully refreshing. Granted there are flavors of that in this which means it doesn't alienate the big isekai watchers out there, but it's not the whole dish and it doesn't make me want to cringe the same way others do. You've got a slime MC just vibing and building a nation of monsters nbd. Does lose points for making the female monsters more humanoid than their male counterparts but makes them back by only doing perfunctory fan-service and nothing that makes me want to cry... except the butt sumo episode but in fairness it was all a terrible dream. Literally, the MC refuses to dream anymore after that. solid animation, decent voice acting, decent story, made me realize how HUGE this is in the Light Novel community???? There's like 18 fucking novels and that's WILD. 8.5/10.

MANGA:

Spirit Photographer Saburo Kono: a one shot special by the mangaka of The Promised Neverland! Honestly a really delicate touch of both super creepy and really touching, and I'm not gonna lie I'm bummed that this isn't a bigger project but the single chapter makes it a good taste for their style. I've been wondering if I wanna read/watch The Promised Neverland and now I think I will. 10/10

Deranged Detective Ron Kamonohashi: from the mangaka of Hitman Reborn comes this Sherlock and Watson derivative! Not even 20 chapters out yet with a sort of spotty schedule, I honestly love it even thought it's exactly as you expect. HOWEVER. Kamonohashi the "Sherlock" character uses mental pressure to kill all confirmed murderers and it's up to Toto the "Watson" character to save all those people before Kamonohashi kills them! It's just recently introduced a "Moriarty" family of crime lords (not a big spoiler don't worry it was obvious) so the tension surrounding Ron's past is amping up rn. Personally, I think the art is GORGEOUS, the characters engaging, and the story quick enough to keep my interest. Most mysteries are solved within a chapter or two so you're not stuck 20 chapters into one locked room mystery which is just peachy tbh. RN, 10/10. If this gets an anime, I anticipate a legion of fangirls who ship the two main characters along with their many friends. I've been alive too long to believe otherwise.

Don't Toy with Me, Miss Nagatoro: Yeah I read the manga after I watched the show. A slower build than the anime, but it works for the format, if theyd done the same with the show then I don't think it wouldve done as well. Honestly? Cuter tbh but just as horny. You dont start really LEARNING about your character until like, chap 65 tho and no real "drama" happens until like 75. A good chunk of the chapters are like 8pgs so its a breeze to get through. I love these slow burn idiots of the century. 9.5/10 because you can DEFINITELY tell the mangaka does hentai too.

Yugen's All-Ghouls Homeroom: one-shot by the mangaka for Food Wars, it's no wonder there's this constant perviness from the MC, a guy who can see and exorcise spirits. Takes place at an all girl's finishing school with KICK ASS monsters tbh, kinda bummed its not longer. The MC? Blatant monsterfucker who is also a CONFRIMED monsterfucker???? Idk i vibe with that single emotion. Everything else is hit or miss. 7/10 for monsters and cool concept, lost points for the MC very pointedly being okay with admitting he'd wait for the teenagers to be adults tho. Creepy af. Could live without that.

Hell's Paradise: I finished the entire 127chps in 3 days and I was really enthusiastic about it 90% of the time thinking about how deep it was and then I actually thought about it and I ended up being very neutral about the whole thing tbh. The art is fantastic tho, but DEFINITELY deserving of the M rating. Tits. Tits everywhere. But not tits to be ecchi over, no, monster hermit tits on beautiful women-ish figures. Now generally I give that a pass but a huge theme in the story is that men and women are "no better than one or the other" but like, lady tits are what you see 99% of the time. Men tits are few and far between. I call bullshit on most of the "deep" themes is what I'm saying, so it's like the mangaka was trying for those deep thoughts but missed the margin a little too far for my preference. That being said, the MC is a married man who loves his wife which automatically makes him my favorite character so like... idk so many good things, so many misses, but overall really spectacular themes and imagery. Unique but classic all at once. It's getting an anime and I have NO IDEA how much censorship they're gonna be doing but they're going to be doing SO MUCH. Oh yeah, and one guy is a plant/human hybrid who fucks a 1000 year old plant-hermit which makes him a canon monster fucker. And one canon non-binary character who I, a nonbinary, actually like. So like... gosh I've got mixed feelings. 8.5/10.

Choujin X: From Sui Ishida, mangaka to the mega hit Tokyo Ghoul comes this brand new manga!... Of one chapter, lol. Not really binge-y because it's just the one chapter out right now but I'm already keeping my eye on it. The grasp on anatomy in the art is PHENOMENAL and you can see Ishida flexing his art skill which is great. Can't give a true rating but I'm giving it a tentative 9/10 because I'm excited to see more.

Shag&Scoob: technically not a manga, its an ongoing webcomic I binged an subscribed to in one day and I just think it deserves more attention. Starts off funny with "what if Scooby Doo had a gun" and has been led to "what if all cartoons are aliens that survive and receive their powers by the humans that love them in an epic war with Martians." On god, its good. I finished the current series in a couple hours so it's a breezy read, highly recommend it. 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Yeah I watched the anime and then finished all current 143 chapters in like 3 days. GOD IM WEAK. I don't buy physical manga unless I know I want to remember the story forever and I'm already budgeting for the current books out. Yeah, this is a good series. That being said, definitely not for the faint of heart or those who suffer under common triggers like suicide, molestation, death, etc. It's all framed as bad and necessary to the story don't get me wrong, but it's there and has lasting affects on the characters. Incredible story telling by the creator of A Silent Voice. Keep tissues nearby at all times. 12/10.

#i've been killing slimes for 300 years and maxed out my level #don't toy with me miss nagatoro #spirit photographer saburo kono #fruits basket #deranged detective ron kamonohashi #yugen's all-ghoul's homeroom #monster girl doctor #so i'm a spider so what #somali and the forest spirit #to your eternity #jigokuraku #hell's paradise #choujin x #shag and scoob #toilet bound hanako kun #prison school #sk8 the infinity #that time i got reincarnated as a slime

[milkybunbuns]

smile → kita.s

Fete shenanigans - 7

w/c: 1.1 K

warnings: none

SMILE MASTERLIST

everyone was happily gathered around the red and white checkered picnic mat, the sounds of joyous laughs and talking could be heard from miles away, mainly being powered on by the miya twins, suna and y/n. the others were having small talk amongst themselves, taking their time to enjoy the delicious meal laid out in front of them (okay, for a moment my mind flashed to dirty mode, is it just me? i might just be too dirty minded lmao) which consisted of a variety of fizzy drinks to desserts.

"let's go to the fete after this, i heard that they have really good food stalls and they also have game stalls!", you suggested and at the word food, osamu had immediately tuned into what you were saying.

"do they have onigiri?"

"i'm not sure, that's why we should go check it out."

——

everyone had agreed to visit this fete and fortunately, the group of chaotic children didn't get lost this time, after all, they were being led by their oh ever so reliable father, kita shinsuke.

"mmm...delicious!", you and osamu were darting from stall to stall, snatching a few samples and shoving them in your mouth although kita was staring at the two of you coldly, implying 'stop being a disgrace and get back here this instant' suna just merely facepalmed at this stupidity, shoving his hands in his pockets (for once) and strolling off towards atsumu so he could make sure to get anything stupid he would do on camera.

stopping for a moment, osamu and yourself sat down by a bench, hands full of different foods ranging from onigiris to sushi to bananas coated in chocolates. you took a bit into one of the onigiris, taking your time to savour the flavour, "y/n. osamu."

the said people turned their head almost robotically, to be met with a cold piercing gaze. somehow, the two had gained some guts that they, grabbing the food and running away to some other place. kita attempted to go after the two of you, but was quickly blocked by a sea of people. huh, so this was a bit like a volleyball game...where a tall wall loomed above you, unable to spike past. kita's cold and chilling presence was like nothing amongst the crowd, making it difficult to get through. sighing and rubbing his temples, kita gave up, deciding to deal with them later. these teamates of him were making him grow more white hair day by day, it wasn't like he already had enough, almost half of his hair being made up of white.

——

fortunately, you had endured kita's lecture, who had seemed to gone easier on you than osamu, who was cringing and cowering, even after the lecture had finished. chicken. (seee he does have a soft spot for you :3) now, the three of you were searching for atsumu, suna and yui who had seemingly, vanished into thin air and were to be no where found in this huge damn place. a quick buzz to your phone made you immediately stop, osamu bumping into you and raising an eyebrow.

——

meanie y/nie

y/n-chaan! where are you guys?

we're at the fishing stall, where the hec did you go

me suna and yui went to the rollercoasters

wait wait wait, what's a rollercoaster doing in a fete-

uhhh, i mean, we were at the food stalls

me and osamu were there the whole time though

oh uhm

you're lying aren't you? what did you guys go do

errr, we may or may not have gone to check out that bar near this place

you guys are under age, what, how did u even get in

fake id

im telling kita-san, thanks boi

WHAT NO

HOW DARE YOU

COME BACK

DON'T BETRAY ME

YOU-

B****

not delivered

"ughh", atsumu stomped in a fit of rage, tousling his already messed up hair. stupid y/n, now we're in trouble, i should've known not to tell her ugh

"what happened now", suna deadpanned, knowing that this would already not end well.

"nothing~"

and if you thought suna couldn't have a more deadpanned look on his face, well then you were certainly wrong. "you're so bad at lying."

"what!? i'm a great lier!"

"that's not something to be proud of atsumu-kun", yui pitched in making an irk mark appear on atsumu's head.

"well yer not any better!"

"at least I'm not the one who tried using a fake id.."

"hah? so now you're pushing all the blame onto me huh?"

"atsumu", a similar cold voice stopped everyone in their tracks, turning back to see kita staring at them. atsumu attempted to stifle a snicker, but failed, which made kita look even scarier if that was even possible...

"atsumu. what's so funny? sneaking into a bar?"

"uh-"

"..."

"nothin' kita-san!"

suna took out his phone and began recording, his dream of kita talking baby language to a pet finally somewhat coming true. on his back, you sat on top, scrolling through some social media app. kita shinsuke. the kita shinsuke. was giving someone. let alone you. a piggyback ride. now how on earth did this happen?

——

"kitaaa-senpaiii~"

"yes?"

"can i get a piggy back ride? i'm tired."

"you need to walk like everyone else."

"but kita-senpaii!", you pouted, making grabby hands towards him, "you're so strong and i wanna see if you can carry me~"

even kita shinsuke got affected by praise, it's just in human nature. he sighed and bent down, signalling for you to get on. your eyes widened and you stood frozen in spot, quickly being snapped out of it by a blank stare. a smile quickly found it's way onto your face, "thank you kita-senpai!"

"its fine, just dont expect this to happen every time.."

"yessire!"

osamu couldn't care less about this lovey dovey scene in front of him.

1) he was still too afraid after that lecture

2) he was too busy shoving his face with food

——

now, all osamu could think for atsumu was:

my not so dear brother, your time has come, we'll make it nice and long at torturous for you~

#kita x reader #kita shinsuke x reader #kita shinsuke #kita #inarizaki #haikyuu!! #haikyu #haikyū!! #haikyuu #shinsuke

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 107

[Date: 28/03, 3:41 AM GMT - 28/03, 4:33 AM GMT]  

[Direct continuation of pt 106]

jayyyyyyyy: “actually now that I think about it-- you're allowed to talk to us, but the rest of the court isnt. any idea why?”

Duke: “Today is the only exception on discord, the crown said that we may only do an introduction and answer any questions you few may have! curiosity when running rampant can be dangerous you see. With regards to twitter however, the truth is that we are simply more mature.”

jayyyyyyyy: “definitely seems like it-- you guys seem to be a lot more compact with how you respond to things”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “Duke do you remember meeting crown? just curious!”

Duke: “Do not tell the others I told you this but many times I have crept down and listened to the scoldings our siblings have given each other, the brutish way they bicker and the consequences of their actions. Poor Baroness, her dress I mourn for! the Crown understands that despite us being young and despite us being newer members of the family we certainly have much more of a handle on things than the other poor lions do.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “Oh”

jayyyyyyyy: “do you like dresses, Duke?”

Duke: “Meeting Crown? it was a summer's day, Ibelieve. My sister and Iwere having an outing at a beach with our family and we went off to explore and then...... Hm. It is quite interesting how joyous occasions can just slip past the mind! how time goes so quick when you are having fun it seems as though Icannot quite recall.”

jayyyyyyyy: “that-- I. hm”

Kate 👑: “Oh, the beach sounds lovely! I've never been, unfortunately- I'd get too many weird stares...”

Duke: “Dresses I do find intriguing! I prefer trousers and shirts though - much easier to clean and outfits do not come to ruin if a seam of either garment rips.”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh! I was asking because you said you mourn for her dress?”

emuhlee: “Oh Duke, what kind of music do you prefer?”

Duke: “Oh beaches can be quite lovely! the water usually is so soothing and lovely. Kate, perhaps one day my sister and I may escort you? there are private beaches although I am unaware where the closest one may be.”

jayyyyyyyy: “I’d love to go to the beach-- its always seemed so nice, but unfortunately water burns me :')”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “I’ve never been allowed to any beahes but from what I’ve heard they're lovely!”

Duke: “I adore multiple composers, it is hard to say! Niccolo Paganini my rank among my preferred if it may help.”

Raeva: “I've never been to beach but I have been to the coast and watched the waves crash and turn.”

Kate 👑: “I've been considering... filing down my antlers so I don't get weird looks, so maybe I can go out in public- but I'd love to maybe come with you one day!”

[jayyyyyyyy: “oh! I was asking because you said you mourn for her dress?”]

Duke: “And I do mourn for her dress. It was crafted with such care and deocre. Beautiful dresses are already difficult to maintain and it is a shame when one falls due to petty arguments.”

jayyyyyyyy: “aah I see”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “Duke, how old are you and your sister? just curious!”

Duke: “I feel selfish for taking so much time and attention onto myself, do you have any interesting things about yourselves you would care to share?”

Duke: “My sister and Iare seventeen years of age.”

jayyyyyyyy: “oh! uh”

jayyyyyyyy: “well, uh.. I’ma full enderman, if you havent guessed already. a few people have commented on my eyes being green instead of purple though :]”

Kate 👑: “I mean...I have antlers like a deer... I don't know if that would be considered interesting...”

S T A L: “I'm not quite sure. Ithink I'm a human if that helps”

Duke: “These are quite interesting things! Tell me, jay are you able to teleport?And Kate do you grow velvet?”

Raeva: “I like your antlers Kate even if you tried to gouge me with them once~”

Duke: “There is no shame in being human, it is what my sister and I are afterall!”

Big G (they/them): “17 yrs old gang pog”

jayyyyyyyy: “I can teleport! Ihave a lot of control on where I teleport to, though I also tend to panic teleport if it gets to that point”

Big G (they/them): “Also I am definitely not human, which is interesting I'd say.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “I have fox ears and a tail but sometimes my ears play music against my will- and I have like black holes for eyes- not sure if that's interesting but its something abt me :/”

Duke: “Oh, that is intriguing! how does it feel to teleport?”

Dollar General Tubbo: “Sorry I haven't spoken much, I am more of a listener; but I'll properly introduce myself. The name I go by is Moth. I am also an enderman... Sort of. Long story. Green eyed as well :]”

Duke: “Your ears play music?”

Duke: “Oh goodness, so many endermen! It is a pleasure to meet you, Moth. I am Duke.”

jayyyyyyyy: “it feels.. well, at first it felt, erm.. strange? it upset my stomach a little, moving within the folds of space and all. now all it feels like is as if someone flicked my stomach”

Kate 👑: “They do... it's such an awful experience. I always look like I came right out of a horror movie...”

Dollar General Tubbo: “Pleasure to meet you as well, Duke.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “uhh yeah, my fox ears sometimes switch from normal to mechanical and play music- I don't have control over it though so it gets annoying at times

like sometimes I'll be half asleep and my ears are like "mmmm melohi go brr" and then I cant sleep”

Duke: “You all are such interesting individuals! Teleporting sounds like such fun but also like such pain, Jay. It sounds so unpleasant and yet it is as natural to you as breathing is to I.

Your ears truly are a mystery though Ren! Do you know what causes it to be as such, or have you suffered from this affliction since childhood?”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “like dont get me wrong mellohi is a poggers song but it's unsettling when its playing in a dark room at 2 am”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “uhh I have an idea of why ears switch.. although I’m not sure as to why they only play music-

and I mean I technically have had them since  I was a child but I wasnt born with them-”

Duke: “Was it a curse?”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “depends on what you mean by that..

Duke: “Nothing bad, I assure you. I am simply just curious.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “if you mean like someone said some magic words and now I have to go on some quest to get rid of it, then no

but I see them as a curse or burden”

Kate 👑: “I'd take those ears over antlers any day...”

Duke: “My sincerest apologies to the both of you, it sounds painful.”

Raeva: “We all look like we crawled out of hell somedays.”

Big G (they/them): “lol”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “I currently look like I crawled out of my hell tbh-”

Duke: “You should see me in the morning before I had my first cup of tea, I am truly a sight to behold!”

emuhlee: “You've mentioned tea a few times, what's your go-to type of tea?”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “I've been wearing the same clothes for like- how long has it been- for like 2 weeks because these are the only clothes that fit me rn, god there's so much dirt”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “yeah what type of tea person r u??”

Dollar General Tubbo: “Ren, do we need to go get you more clothes?”

Duke: “My preferred blend is Da Hong Pao. It's rich blend is truly something worth tasting.”

emuhlee: “maybe there are doll clothes laying around for you, ren/j”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “*normal clothes wouldn't fit me anyways we'd have to get van manto shrink them-”

Duke: “Have you ever crafted your own garments?”

[An argument breaks out between two of the server members that continues alongside this conversation]

Duke: “Getting in contact with a tailor may be in your best interest. While the needlework will have to be fine due to your small size the amount of fabric you use up would be less than a yard, likely evening out the cost.”

Duke: “Oh dear me. Be kind to your flock members, they are all you have.”

Kate 👑: “This is what I meant when I said that some of them don't appear to like the family, Duke...”

Duke: “The grandfather clock ticks away and I know I must leave soon. It is a shame Kate seeing your words proven true. Before I leave would you all enjoy a story?”

emuhlee: “A story sounds nice. Do indulge us?”

Duke: “"Do you love us?" asks the star to the moon, "Do you love us as you love the sun?"

"No," said the moon, for it could not lie to the ones it loves so preciously, "I love you more."

"Do you love the sun, then?"

"Indeed I do."

"Then how can you love us more?"

"Because," the moon said, gazing down at earth, "I love the ocean most of all."

Goodnight little sheep, I hope you all have sweet slumbers and lovely dreams. I myself will be having tea before bed, so I do hope you indulge in something nice before you sleep. I do hope you cease your arguing to find peace.”

#on:discord #by:duke #if the crown fits

[xmarveled]

I Missed You Too

Sequel to I Love You Too

Pairing: Thor! x Reader

Summary: 5 years ago, Thor had realized that he loved you, but you were gone before he could tell you. Now, Thor doesn’t think he is worthy of you. But you show him that he is and forever will be, your Thor.

Warning: Angst, Mention of Suicide, Insecure Thor, a tiny pinch of Dark!Thor. 

A/N: This is the sequel to I Love You Too, but it can also be read as a stand-alone. If you want to request an Avenger x Reader, send me an ask or PM me! ^^

It’s been five years. Five years since that horrible day in the bloody clearing into the forests of Wakanda. Five years since half of the universe just poofed. Five years since Thor lost the love of his life.

The first year, Thor traveled through the galaxy, searching for something, anything that could reverse the snap. He refused to accept that you were gone, than you were gone because of him.

The second year, Thor went on a rampage, killing Thanos’ minions one by one. At night, he’d lie in the dark, the blood he hadn’t bothered to wash off still on his hands, and he thought of you.

The third year, Thor drowned himself in alcohol, drinking until he forgot the pain. But even in the darkest moments of the blackouts, he didn’t forget you.

The forth year, Thor returned to New Asgard, not to be king, but to hide what he had become from the rest of the world. He could barely look at the people who were supposed to be his people. They were here because of his failure. The whole world was.

The fifth year, the God of Thunder had become unrecognizable. His exterior had changed, but it was what was in his heart that concerned his friends. Thor had become a ghost, a shell of the person he was before. He had lost the most important thing in the world to him. You.

And so when Bruce came to him with the almost laughable idea of time traveling, the only reason Thor agreed was because of you. Because he’d give anything, just to see your smile again.

For Thor, the pain of the last five years was more than he had experienced during his entire immortal existence. So much that he had even considered just ending it. Ending him. Because who was he without you? The only thing that had held him back was the sound of your gentle voice, telling him that you will come back for him.

Five years. Five years without you.

For you, the five years felt more like five minutes and as you and the others awoke in that same clearing in Wakanda, you had no idea of the pain that Thor had gone through.

All of you fought as you never had before. Fighting as a team, as the family you were.

Every single Avenger on that battlefield fought for someone they loved. Tony fought for Pepper and Morgan and Peter. The family that he had never dreamed he would have. Steve fought for Bucky and Sam and for his past that could one day be his future. And Thor... Thor fought for you.

All of a sudden, the same feeling of complete and utter silence that had rippled through the world five years ago was felt again. Thor looked around and paused when ash scattered to reveal a familiar figure.

As Stormbreaker dropped from his shaking hands, Thor managed to breath out a single word. Your name. And even though you were too far away to hear him, you still turned, as if there was a string attaching the two of you together.

And when you lifted your eyes to meet his, the world stopped. Everything around you, the sound of the soldiers cheering in victory, the joyous cries of families and friends reuiniting, just stopped.

There was only you and him and nothing else in the world.

Pure joy filled your hearts and you took a step forwards, wanting to be closer to him.

However, that step was like a bucket of ice water for Thor. Suddenly, every horrible and shameful thing he did during the last 5 years came flooding back to him. Every soldier he killed in your name, every girl he had fucked while pretending it was you, every shattered beer bottle on the floor of his little hut in New Asgard, the broken glass mirroring his own heart.

Thor clutched at his protruding stomach, mistaking the look in your widened eyes for one of disgust. His cheeks burned with shame and he averted his eyes, unable to watch if you turned away. So he turned away first, walking, almost running away, stumbling on the pieces of rubble and glass littered on the ground.

Walking away from the love of his life. Because he couldn’t bear for you to see what he has become.

The joy in your heart turned into confusion as you watched him run away. Run away from you.

“Thor!” You called out, tripping over your exhausted feet as you tried to run after him. “Thor!”

He paused, and your words died in your throat as he turned around. Tears were cascading down his cheeks, dripping into his braided beard and he tried to roughly wipe them away. But he still wouldn’t look at you.

“Thor, what-”

Before you could ask, Thor gripped Stormbreaker tightly to his chest, and you watched as he mouthed “I’m sorry.”

And than he was gone, leaving you alone in a field of shattered glass.

For the ensuing weeks, Thor avoided you like plague, hidden away in his little hut at the edge of the world. When he had to be in the same room with you, he stayed in the furtherest corner, only talking to Bruce and Rocket.

It hurt. It hurt so bad. To have the one person who you love the most refuse to even acknowledge your existence. To refuse to even look at you. And everytime he moved away, everytime he flinched as you tried to address him, your heart broke a little more.

Unbeknownst to you, every time you looked away, the only thing Thor looked at was you. The pain and sadness he saw in your eyes, in the way you were hunched over on the tables tore down what your return had fixed in his broken heart. It killed him, that he couldn’t touch you, couldn’t kiss you, couldn’t love you like he wanted so badly to. But he couldn’t bring himself to talk to you, in fear of your rejection, so he watched you from the shadows. Still, it didn’t hurt any less.

Your meeting had finished late, and you had missed the last bus back home. Rejecting Happy’s offer to drive you back, you decided to walk, wanting to enjoy a brief moment of peace and quiet that you haven’t had in months. Halfway back, you felt something wet drip onto your messy, unbrushed hair. You looked up as a flash of electricity lit up the sky, swearing under your breath as you made for the ramshackle little bus stop at the end of the street,

Just as you slid in, the heavens opened and the rain came pouring down. Sitting down on the bench who looked as if it could barely could itself up, you looked up through the glass roof at the sky. There was something beautiful about the way lightning lits up the clouds. There was something beautiful in the way the raindrops glistened as they fell. Their beauty reminded you of a certain God.

You were in the middle of the city, surrounded by people, but yet you had never felt so alone. The man who was like your father and your best friend was gone, and the one person who you had left... you had lost him too. Drops of water that wasn’t rain dripped down your cheeks as you finally let everything go.

The rain was coming down even harder than before and you shivered as thunder boomed, hugging yourself to try to stay warm. Your teeth started clattering and your fingertips started shaking as you felt yourself slowly turn to ice. It was so so cold.

All of a sudden, you felt warmth enveloping you. You looked up and you were greeted with the same blue eyes you had fallen in love with on another rainy April day. Except this time, they were filled with five years worth of unshed tears.

Thor wrapped his still-warm jacket around you and wordlessly, reached up to brush away a stray tear on your cheek.

“You shouldn’t be out here Y/N.” He said, trying to ignore how good it felt to be this close to you, to touch you. “It’s not safe, and-”

“Why?”

Thor paused. “Why what?”

“Why won’t you let me in anymore?”

Thor shut his eyes, not wanting you too see the flood of emotion going through him.

“Y/N-”

“That day-” Your voice trembled, but you had to get the words out. You had to know. “That day in the clearing, five years ago, when I- when I went away, you told me you love me. Why dont you love me anymore?”

“I still love you.” Thor said, voice echoing through the small box. “Gods- I love you so much, you have no idea-”

“Than why?” You said, almost shouting as you stood up. “Why do you leave the room everytime I come in? Why do you flinch everytime I try to talk to you? Why won’t you even look at me?”

“Because I’m afraid.” Yelled Thor.

“Of what?” You whispered.

“Of you seeing what I have become.” Said Thor. “Of you turning away from me.”

“Thor... Why would I turn away?” You asked.

“Why wouldn’t you turn away?” Thor laughed bitterly. “Have you seen what I’ve become? I’m not worthy for the name Odinson, and I’m definitely not worthy for you.”

To his surprise, instead of flinching away, you move forward. Placing one hand on his cheek and the other on his stomach, you tilted his face, forcing him to look at you.

“Why aren’t you worthy for me?” You demanded. “Because of you’re a little bigger than the Thor I remember? Because you smell of beer and day old pizza instead of sweat and metal?

Thor averted his eyes as shame filled him again. He didn’t want to see the disgust that was surely in your eyes.

“Because I don’t care.”

Thor’s head snapped up and he looked at you with something like hope beginning to shine in his eyes.

“I don’t care whether you’re fat or thin. Whether you’re strong or weak. Because you’re my Thor, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, you will always be my shoulder to cry on. My rock in the storm. My best friend. My Thor.” You say, fire in your eyes as you looked at the man whose heart you held in your scarred hands.

Thor didn’t know what to say, so he kissed you.

And it was everything you had dreamed it would be.

And later, when you were both snuggled together on your coach, in front of a roaring fire, you asked.

“Hey Thor?”

“Yes my love?” He asked, gazing down on you with adoration written across his face.

“I love you too.”

Okay, that didn’t really end up the way i wanted it to. Not the best since it was really rushed. Hope you guys still liked.💜

Taglist: @xxstarwalker @bxcksdoll @phanoffandoms67 @waiting-for-motivation @bluediamondsevie @antisocial-koala @spider-writer @randomavengersquotes @odinson-barnes-deactivated20190 @bonemarroww @kybaeza @straightouttaneptune @thorfanficwriter @lancsnerd @glitterquadricorn @zselenophile @mrspeacem1nusone @marvellouslyaveragesblog @silencedbycritics @multifxndom-spidxrling @you-like-this-chain @colored-confetti @capstopavenger @greenbeansarelit @rtaysperlz @everything-is-awesomesauce @angelscalling4 @skuuuskuuu @animegirlgeeky @ashann7 @lovely-geek @supermassiveblackhope @llyssadrew @booksandlighters @imdiegohargreeves @lovesdarkness @past-perfect-future-tense @euthiyama @courtmr @taylor-hates-this-app @thehyperactiveteen @katsen13 @hotchoc101 @patzammit @sataninsatin @shiinor @kaiaddicted @nighthood13 @the-wayward-robot @thewayilookatbacon @catarcher @fictivefrolic @wecantgiggleitsafandom @happybookmuffin

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#marvel #mcu #avengers #endgame #infinity war #marvel x reader #iron man #captain america #thor #marvel imagine #avengers x reader #avengers imagine #marvel fanfic #avengers fanfic #thor odinson #thor x reader #thor x you #thor imagine #thor fanfic #thor fic #thor fanfiction #thor oneshot #thor drabble #thor angst #thor smut #thor fluff #chubby thor #endgame thor #chubby thor x reader #fat thor

[tillman]

top five trans arthurian characters ?(could just be the knights idc)

good lord ok this is hard to narrow down to just 5 because all arthurian characters are trans until proven otherwise. 

lets go by thematically top trans idiots cus i have some thots. this is in less of an order and more of me just going off of who i think of first so enjoy

5: lancelot? hes canonly trans he says so in the vulgate but also hes; been mistaken for a woman before, has a lot of emphasis at least in the vulgate put into how shapely his thighs/hips are, constantly is wearing disguises and tends to do everything in his power to cover up his body/not let people know who he is, hes like genuinely a nice person ? so thats a point for canon trans man, his mom, the lady of the lake, is also trans so like it runs in the family its fine. 

4: im throwing gareth in right after lancelot cus do not separate them.... anyways gareth is so easy to read as trans its almost laughable. his family doesnt recognize him when he comes to court, hes made fun of for having soft and nice hands (yes i get this is kay going i know youre royalty but also as a trans guy w dysphoria about my hands being too “girly” or whatever im going to beat you to death), he has the thematic notes of rising up against the person who kept you down by calling you something you dont identify with/just straight up arent, he also has that young transguy mood of idolizing and tending to flock to older trans men as a father figure/example of greatness w lancelot and the joyous gard gang :-) its all there! gareth is trans and loves his wife and big family ! 

3: also throwing mordred here because do not separate him from his brother but mordred is one of the most common characters ive seen made trans in modern lgbt retellings of legends hes just so good. the pushing of a destiny/role you didnt choose yourself, the grappling with who you are and where youre from, the blood family vs found family, the rebelling against the oppressive force seen in a father figure, i love him. mordred trans.

2: and you thought i would stop with one orkney. jokes on you. theyre all trans. anyways last one ill touch on on this list is aggravain because i need you all to understand he is trans. also gay. he is a flawed character yes and says some disgusting things and im not trying to say hes good or is valid in saying these things or give an excuse or some shit i still think him saying he would “have his way” with a lady is disgusting but he also was an abused teenager living being told with his brother was better than him in all ways and that he was disgusting and evil so he kinda internalized that. this is huge in the vulgate where said line about women comes from, and i tend to read it as a mix of internalized transphobia and his tendency to lie for attention. aggravain is a coward and would neevr do any of this, its why he says it to his brothers, hes trying to get them to lash out at him because he craves any sense of attention from gawain who tends to let him do his own thing in favor of making sure gaheris and gareth are ok and that mordred is being raised ok. god hes such an interesting character i just want to get smoothies with him and explain to him hes important and that also he has to respect women more. god i love aggravain

1: uh those four are my main transes with proof but uhhh OH morgan is trans. also a lesbian and loves her wife the lady of the lake and her girlfriend guenevere. thats it. thank u for ur time :-) 

#I HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT HOW EVERY SINGLE ORKNEY IS TRANS AND ALSO MOST OF HTE KNGIHTS BTU I ENDED UP JUST TALKING ABOUT AGGRAVAIN IM SORRY #I LIKE HIM #Anonymous

[fipindustries]

my experience with my gender and my sexuality

because i think it is about fucking time i talk about this somewhere. this is a cheerful post, intimate sure, way too oversharing, certainly, but i like to think of it as joyous sharing because i feel like i can finally talk about this stuff freely and gosh ive been keeping so many things on the inside and now i just want to shout them to the world, consequences be damned

for years i have fantasized about becoming a woman. i will say it here now: i want to be a woman, i want to try it, i want to know what is like to look like one, to dress like one, to be called one, to be treated as one. if after a while i get bored of it, or tired or figure out its not my true self, or it just doesnt fit me for whatever reason then i reserve the right to back off and try something else. but for now this is my state of being and im going to share the story of how i got here.

my earliest memories of dealing with this confusion are about me reading a magazine talking about trans issues and me watching the movie “ma vie en rose” and “boys dont cry”. i was too young perhaps to be exposed to these ideas in such a candid and direct way. perhaps not mature enough to fully process or understand what i had seen, to the point that for most of my childhood i had this irrational fear that i would become a woman when i hit puberty. that my dick would just shrink into a vagina, that i would start growing tits, that i would get pregnant, etc.

i was a very unmasculine child, i didnt like sports, in fact i didnt like most typically boyish stuff. i thought muscles where gross, i thought violence and fighting was scary. i thought most boys played too rough for my taste. i was meek, shy, and a huge nerd. but i also had a strange rejection for most girly stuff. it was too soft and frilly and silly and pink and yucky. on top of all that, my understanding of trans people was mostly shaped then by drag queens and outrageous transvestites whose aesthetic, to this day, i find garish, over the top and unpleasant to look at. sorry, is just not something i identify with.

during this time i started to engage in all sorts of strange games as a child. i would start trying on my sister’s panties or my mom’s panties in the shower. i would created these elaborate scenarios where i would have all the stuffed toys in my room “kidnap” me, force me to give birth to them and then breast feed them.

cartoon shows that dealt with themes of gender bending held a powerful fascination to me, i particularly remember the fairly odd parents episode “the boy who would be queen”. i had this strange sense of love-hate relationship with it and anything on that topic where i just couldnt help to be obssessed with it but at the same time feel like it was illicit or transgressive for me to watch it.

then i hit puberty and a light switch went off. where instead of being scared or unnerved by those ideas i just kept obssessing more and more over them. i started googling everything i could about gender bending, about gynecomastia, about how to grow breasts with certain herbs or supplements. it was specifically on the breasts that i was fixated, i kept promissing myself that i would get them no matter what.

at the same time on the outside i was more than comfortable presenting myself as a boy, a geeky boy sure, but a boy all the same. i liked wearing high waisted pants, tucked in shirt and tie. i liked having short hair. i fantasized about growing a mustache. what’s more i definetly identified as a boy. i went to an all boy’s high school where we were taught stereotipicaly male things like working with heavy machinery, welding, general workshop engeneering stuff and i enjoyed all of it. i was still a huge outcast and not the manliest person but back then i figured it was because i was just a huge nerd.

i had no rejection of my body or the changes it was going through, i grew hair, limbs, genitals, etc and didnt thought much of it that i can recall, beyond a vague sense of not wanting to look too adult because it made me look too much like my dad, with whom i never had the best of relationships. beyond that socially i was a boy and had no issues fitting there.

i masturbated a lot, and a lot of those fantasies involved gender bending. usually boys growing breasts, boys being subjected to forced feminization, etc. there were other fantasies but those dont have a lot of bearing on the subject at hand. one of the things that excited me the most back then was to call myself a woman. to insist over and over that i was a girl. like the feeling that i was brainwashing myself into femminity was a huge turn on (this is why for the longest time i was convinced i was an autogynephile, and honestly, jury’s still out on that account). then, as soon as i finished i would quickly tell myself “im not a woman” as a strange way of “no homo” myself from my fantasies. i was still doing ocassional crossdressing whenever i was alone at home with my mom’s clothes, again, usually for the purposes of masturbation

i have been attracted to girls for the large majority of my life, it wouldnt be until college that i would experiment with boys too and found that i could enjoy that as well, but my main interest has always been consistently girls. yet a lot of the time my attraction towards girls would come from a place of envy. of apreciating how pretty they looked and wishing i could look that pretty myself. once i started college most of these fantasies came with me, i kept researching about gender bending and about ways i could try to gender bend myself. some times it was because of fetishistic reasons but a lot of the time was because i just found the subject inherently fascinating. it was like this that i came across a lot of information about trans people, back in like 2011 and when i first started to really understand them as a community and grapple with concepts such a gender dysphoria and such. back then i reached the conclussion that while i understood and sympathized with trans women, i was just a crossdresser because i didnt experience gender dysphoria and because i had never experienced anything even close to the feeling of “being a woman on the inside”.

what was more, it was around this time that identity politics really started to get traction, things like “die cis scum”, “yes all men”, “white men tears” etc started to be thrown around and, as someone who had been identifying as male for his entire life, i felt personally attacked by most of it. an immature reaction on hindsight, but a reaction that cemented in my mind the idea that i was a man and there were no buts or ifs about it.

i kept crossdressing, i kept fantasizing, i kept fetishizing. i even experiemented with auto hypnosis because i was realizing more and more that i was never going to be able to truly make my fantasy about becoming a woman real so was was willing to try anything that would get me even close to it. i cross dressed because i liked the way i looked, i liked the way the clothes felt against my skin, i liked the feeling of trying on a different role, one that was forbidden to me. as time went on i stated doing it less and less because of the sexual gratification and more for its own sake.

then the crisis came.

i wrote about this before, i saw a bunch of people i knew coming out of the closet at an advanced age, people like jacob chapman, the wachowsky sisters, even reading about the story of how allison bechdel. the idea of someone figuring out their identity way into their adulthood shattered my world view and it introduced me the possibility that i might be in the same situation, which led me to panic. all the crossdressing, the fascination with gender bending and with trans issues were strongly suggestive if nothing else, but back then i was just not ready at all to confront those possibilities so i supressed like a mad man.

three years later, here i am. during those three years i slowly and gradually came to grips the possibility, slowly losing my fear of what i might lose if i came out of the closet, slowly examining my self and comparing my story with the story of others in the community. finding differences but also finding a lot of similarities. for the longest time my trans ex girlfriend would insist that i was very much not trans because a lot of my experiences were very different from hers, such as the fact that i never had issues inhabiting the rol of a boy whereas her dysphoria had been strong enough to the point of suicidal tendencies for most of her life.

one of my biggest concerns had always been the fact that i had heard from many trans people that their dysphoria hadnt really kicked in until after they started transitioning. as in, once they started trying to look like women then they realized how far away they were from truly being one, making what until then had been a vague feeling of discomfort into a true rejection of their own body. but then on the other hand there was also the real possibility that i would end up having a mental breakdown once i hit my fifties after years of repression and by that point i would look like just an old man in a wig

i think what finally made me tip over the edge were the contra points videos and the reddit community egg_irl. i just identified too much with what i saw there, and breaking up with my gf had left me free to explore those feelings without fear of ruining my relationship. so where does that leave me?

still confused, but no longer scared of the answers. willing to give this and honest go and see where it takes me. im still not ready to call myself a trans girl with all the letters. i understand that gender is complicated but i would really appreciate a unified theory of gender to help me make heads or tails of what i am and what i am feeling beyond vague notions about “the spectrum” and “social roles”. i guess i could be considered gender fluid as of right now but honestly that label doesnt mean that much to me on a practical sense considering i am still presenting my self as a boy in my every day life with one or two exceptions

i have a lot of work ahead of me and for once i am excited about doing it right.

#most of this is just me drafting what im going to say to my therapist #rambly

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[castlehead]

makeshift feels from the opinion lab

kafka wrote in a journal urhmherm of being limited to prague, then his room, then his bed, then nothing at all. to be limited at last to nothing at all. well. turns out i guess the most kafkaesque sentiment came from franz kafka.

enjoi ya rickety gethsemane while it is still to be dreamed, young writers, young writers of youth.

after a job on a hot day back in april or may or something i started listening to this while walking out of the truck towards the gas station convenience store and abruptly pivoted away from the sliding doors to sneak around the side and weep near the green fencing around some boilers. it occurred to me how little i could ever forgive myself for doing.

the shit ive done, all of it, i havent forgiven myself. if i did it and it was bad, or even meagre, dumb, really no big deal, bet yr ass it still keeps me from thinking i deserve happiness. i do not forgive myself for anything ive ever done. no deed is too temporal to etch itself cleanly into my head as something unforgivable, if only it makes a small point.

i know this is true because no joy i ever feel is felt fully, because i do not think it is deserved; and because i allow myself to be joyous only when i think of the truth of my unforgiven, unforgivable state. never to be. Never will.

and that is what is depression.

There must be something here, in me. Here where the jackals caterwAul Like streetcats Mewing their gizzard After this night’s heat, What’ll it be Jackals, Buzz off, shit man

i feel like the key to life is knowing that 90 percent of anxiety & depression, either in degree or in its truth, and at least somewhere not wracked by war, is unsubstantiated (the ten percent being actual crises, like fear of violence, a death in the family, etc). The problem is how persuasive these feelings can be that lead to the fulfillment of the very fear or solidifying the reason for being depressed. But with positive feelings, the least thing, whether true or no, can always be rewarding. A bit of happiness must be allowed to be felt, indiscriminately, because it is more useful to us than a bit of sadness. Take the fierce dialectic u use to establish a depressing ‘truth’ and persuade yourself of something good. If one is far fetched, let it be the something bad. Until it happens, after all, all of it remains in your head, to do with what u will.

You don’t get to lower taxes on the rich and gut social services at the same time. The reason social services are in place is to provide a fair shake for john q public. Mostly investors are feeling the benefits of the corporate tax cut. They’re not giving the money towards a better product that would help the people. but one day there will be no sesame seeds on the bun of yr Big Mac and you’ll wonder how that’s possible with an entire sesame seed dept that just got a pay raise.

tax reform should be done to help a free market, so that the rich can be poor and the poor rich. Taxation helps the people so that social services become less necessary. Social services were developed because the percentage of taxation was unequal between higher and lower class. Poor folks felt the pain while rich folks shrugged it off.

Thats why I say you can’t do both: social services are a protection against the world being entirely controlled, if it’s not already, by those from the very swamp this president wants to drain. T**** hasn’t drained shit.

i feel like writing takes over for your thought process. You can’t think and write at the same time, or something. something turns off or it switches where it’s doing the shit it’s doing to a different place, like yr hands. I don’t think you can write down one linear thought with another thought being thought in your head. This is why people say their mind goes blank in extended periods of inspiration. The functioning has gone from being untethered and temporal, ie wandering thoughts, notions, speculating, to being possessed in a focused place, ie yr hands, which usually leads to a more focused expression of perhaps a thought of particular value, enough in the first place to require writing down. But tho this can be easy for some talented people, who might, as Joyce said, polish their nails while writing some genius thing, what does not come easy for anybody, because it is imposssible, is thinking two disparate things, of the everyday and of some behemoth philosophic concept, for example, without either one taken place after or before; or, one of them being intermittently disturbed, tho linearly, by the other, like a notification on yr phone- until at last one of the two breaks down, and the foxus superseded by the one left. This is especially novel. One thinks; one does not think and also think. That would make it two people in one head. Therefore we can presume that ones identity is found in the unity, or internal focus, of their story in thoughts down one narrow wire: thought can cross many paths and examine everything under and beyond th sun, but per person it is still in the singular. It cannot divide into two simultaneous paths of equal focus. there can be multilayered thoughts with a similar core concept behind them, and these can be thought simultaneously as much as one can ante up and dole out shades of emotion and shades of thought, and so on. But I cannot think of a teleological explanation for all creation and with the same focus Apply myself to letters in the mail. There is a dominant voice, and the rest, the mundane voice, is seen thru that lens.

ya cant say yr colorblind then gripe about people hatin ya cuz u r white. contradiction of terms no? if you really didnt see color, ud say people hated yr ass because yr a damnfool entrylevel, grunt-ass lowbrow. not because of the color of ya skin, which ya recognized and put to the forefront in making that very statement.

feel like uh, a priori is not intuition alone. Intuition is a function of the mind, while a priori is, if I understand Kant correctly, a representation synthesized before there is an object of focus available for the senses to interpret, ie an essentially true conclusion drawn, that has no need for a combined manifold, as, Kant tells us, is offered by merely living in space and time: time to extend and progress from cause to effect to cause, and space to do it in. In other words, intuition is cognitive- psychological, and a priori, theoretical- logical.

Pathos is the one thing most divine about people, for i see that in my worst state I can still grieve for the savaging of life’s last hope, and be uplifted, feel tears, at least for a little blessed while. There is no state so low that does not inspire one to at least pity themselves, and feel the comfort of passions, however mistaken or wretched the person.

i feel that / Some subjects do not even allow to be proved through the scientific method, yet they are still issues of a scientific nature and not just mysticism. the line is very thin however, since usually these subjects devolve into mysticism. In fact, if science only worked with that which could be proven, from the outset or otherwise, we’d have a pretty limited roster of discoveries. Sometimes discoveries can be made along the way towards proving; sometimes, discoveries can be made, scientifically, thru means that for lack of anything better, are entirely theoretical. And sometimes the search is not to prove something true but to clarify something. Science is not out to be incontrovertible.

The man in mismatched sox inhaled not as deeply as he would have liked at such a crescendo, even if on the third listen in a row, then, looked up at the massive pure blue upwards, cloudless, felt likely to cry for joy, but in the end simply mouthed the words:

“I’m gonna die of loneliness, fo sho.”

So often doth trespass our intuition upon realms and pathways of a more intimate enumeration of cause and effect than could be available to any witness, and that is available only to the actioning of objects involved in the event seen and analyzed by what and who were no player.

The crisis paid goodbyes in the form of telling your ass off, is what he said. But we all knew he thought he was merely a parable often enough already. We didn’t listen to the crisis, deliberately shut our ears like boxing them very slowly ourselves before anyone else could. Later in the year many terrible events would occur that were the direct result of ignoring his words. But nobody came around to believing he did it. The crisis was way off teaching prophecies someplace probably foreign. But if I refuse to be confined to learning from my own folly I should at least give the follies of others a chance. Fatass karma, and more hell than handbasket.

What the crisis he said was

HEY YOU DONT WANT TO FACE JACK, FACE? TELL ME ABOUT HOW CRUELTY CAN BE ELEGANT AGAIN. YOU ARE FACING NO SUCH BURDEN OF SIMPLY LIVING. TELL ME WHAT HALLUCINATIONS ARE, YOU SWOLLEN, DYSPEPTIC SHIT.

And to this day All I remember is him Looking slain already Like he’d be on the slab In days Or even hundreds of years from then And it’d be how, uh, how He looked then Slamming the door While my sister and things Was gatherin they buckets for weeping later In that queer disease of spite where You grieve for the vanquished enemy.

all triumph is in some sense humorous, for in itself triumph is the opposite of tragedy. that is why the soldier laughs as he shoots at a retreating enemy. there is an element of rowdiness that is somewhat comedic, taken in itself.

Numbers are the only symbols that stand for what they are. In this way they are more like hieroglyphs

is bed porn a thing? it should definitely be a thing.

THIS LIFE IS FILLED WITH DARKNESS THIS DARKNESS IS SO LIGHT GOD IN HEAVEN QUA SKY MUST BEAT WINGS TO KEEP ON GROUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND. No symbols where none intended etc etc

No art is permanent, in that its aims in being created do not last, do not translate between epochs. I will never experience Homer as one living in Ancient Greece. Have not closely read Homer, but when I do it will be as myself in my time, with all the sullying context of those years from then to now only left to unguide me.

Kierkegaard tricks you into thinking he knows his insanity is illogical, the side effect of writing his labyrinths. The frightening moment comes when you realize how fiercely logical his insanity seems to him, and how insane the World actually is, and you wonder if it is that you do not understand it or just do not accept it.

#prose #powtry #prowse #poetry #collage #social media

[dream2074interviews]

Diana Interview

F: first can you introduce yourself a bit what's your nationality what's your name how old are you?

D: do you want the detail or do you want the superficial... N: the detail.. As much as you want to give

D: so I'm Diana I'm British but I'm also Brazilian because I was born in Brazil and I grew up in Belgium and I came to England when I was 18 and I've lived here since then

N: that's amazing D: don't I look Brazilian, I'm sure you knew I was Brazilian

N: that's so cool, I love it when that happens I totally didn't expect that, I should have learnt in my life to not assume certain things by now

F: how do you feel about living in London about living in this society?

N: so when I was 18 and I came to England at University I was originally going to go back and live in Belgium because I spoke French and I learned Dutch at university and to work in Belgium we need to have French and Dutch but when I came to London I realised I couldn't go back to Belgium because London is such a great place to live there's so much to do is so much fun no matter what your interests I think that there is something for everybody here so I really like living in London

F: so what do you think about being a woman living in London?

D: er I think... in what sense?

F: how do you define yourself as a woman

D: I define myself as a person so not really, I don't think I really I don't know I don't think of it like that

N: when you lived in Belgium did you live in a quiet place or was it a city as well?

D: while Brussels is quite small and we lived in on the outskirts of Brussels we can take public transport to go into the centre it's not a very exciting place you know London there is the theatre the museums there is the cinemas there are clubs there are bars there's so much you can do and historically to there’s gorgeous buildings different parts of London that are like different villages, each one has its own character that's what makes it so attractive

N: were you quite active in engaging all of this stuff like going to the club in visiting all of the galleries or was it just walking around in knowing that they're all there

D: yeah I used to go when I was younger I used to go to the clubs, I had a membership so before t Tate modern existed, it was the Tate, which is now Tate Britain and I had a subscription and I would go on Sunday morning with my sister we would go before it opened so if you were remember you could go before it opened to the public so regularly we would go to tate on Sunday morning er go to the theatre, one winter I got us I got tickets for the English National Opera so we went to see all the operas one winter but they were the cheap seats we sat right up in the attic but yeah I tried to do everything

N: but in Brussels it was quite quiet life

D: just very different it wasn't so open and welcoming as here and there were the linguistic tensions whereas is in England I'm British I speak English so it's much easier to fit in although when I first came to England it was much more traditional I would say so I remember going to a drinks party and no one would talk to me because I haven't been introduced

N: that sounds very proper

D: Doesnt it? It was so weird because you going trying talk to people and they wouldn't it was very strange but other than that I really liked it here

N: it's welcoming isn't it London is like I feel like all of these international cities everyone's got a place here everyone is at home because everyone is different there is no reason to not fit in

D: there is no prejudice generally, there is obviously specific prejudice but overall I would say living somewhere like London you're right it's more international City

N: it's beautiful I agree

D: and I think it's getting less and less sexist maybe 20 years ago if you asked me that I would have had a different view it's more in more you're treated as a person rather than as a man or a woman

N: interesting

F: yes interesting, so how do you usually connect other people so what's your way of socialising?

D: so I've got lots of different groups of friends probably like all of us, Friends from different parts of your life so I have friends from before I got married I've got friends here from when I was at school in Belgium so she moved here so I've got her, I've got friends that my husband and I have from when we got married I've got friends from my children school Friends because of where I live and then I try and do I get involved with the local community so a when my kids were at school most of the time I was on one of the committees, so you get to know people that way and then I was very into cricket so I was on the cricket club committee and then for a while I was the school governor so I would say that's all how I connect

N: that's amazing like for me that sounds like a lot a lot of circles a lot of stuff to like maintain

D: they dont-because some of the people we've known for along time so you see them from time to time

N: do you find the connection is still there?

D: yes so if you like someone you'll find that always be Friends with them so you might only see them 2 or 3 times a year but you still have our friendship there

N: that's sounds beautiful. I have that with some childhood friends maybe one or two but everything else seems so fast paced now like everything moves so like relationships are temporary not that they're not meaningful but sometimes they just don't last

D: the connectivity goes sometimes doesn't it N: yeah it's hard to keep going D: it must be quite difficult for you Faye because you're new to London aren’t you

F: yeah I am I need to get used here and also to the language because its quite difficult but I quite enjoy everything. So how do you feel about relationships, what do you think of motherhood?

D: motherhood? It never ends. So I love my kids I have three kids, I've got a girl a daughter who is 27 and two boys who are 24 and I thought that when they went to university that would be that but they all came home to live at home but my daughter and won't my son is now living East London. One of my son still live at home. We went on holiday and my daughter came with us and one of my sons met us there, so I think that there is a very strong family bond which has really surprised me

N: really? Why?

D: I don't have that with my father I don't have that with my parents a strong bond so I've been quite surprised by how much they enjoy coming home

N: maybe he didn't put any pressure on it, if it's not the same with you and your dad you’ve been quite relaxed about it just happened naturally

D: yeah yeah I don't know N: that's lovely though D: I think it's really hard being a parent though N: in what sense

D: it's physically quite challenging I worked through all of their childhood except for 1 1/2 years I think it is quite challenging because there are societal expectations there are friends expectations light from parents at the school there are expectations from the school and then you as a parent have your expectations they've got to find away to navigate through it so can be quite emotionally tiring to bring up children to keep them honest make sure there enjoying life I think one of my big goals I had a nanny at one point and I said to her my daughter is this joyous child I said to her I want to grow up being

joyous and she looked at me like I was completely bonkers but I thought well that's your role as a parent is to make sure your Child retains their enthusiasm for life you know that joy you see in five year olds you want them to have it when there 25 if you can possibly do that so I think as a parent that's the hardest thing making sure your kids don't get ground down by the world around them so we can do as well as they can possibly do.... You both have experienced that so you know what I'm talking about don't you? You know what I'm saying about how the pressure from outside you can lose your personality you can lose your Joy of life and it's trying to keep that in your children I think that the hardest thing as a parent

N: do you find that your kids like so you did quite a lot for them you said its quite draining do you find that they give you back

D: it was when they were quite younger now it's not so much because they're all independent now... one of my boys when he was 17 so was doing his A-levels 17 or 18 I said to him so your grown-up now do you need me to come home every day after work or can I go out now and he said no we'd still like you to come home to know you're there that's the kind of thing I mean they don't necessarily want to talk to you they don't necessarily want to interact with you but they want to know that you're there

N: yeah I get that

F: what do you think of love and relationships?

D: what do I think of it? I think it's really important

F: how can you describe how important it is to you

D: I think you can't take it for granted. I think you have to work at it. You can't assume it's always going to be there. I don't know how to describe Faye it's a very difficult question

N: so what was it like when you first met your partner? D: Um. What was it like?

N: did it start off as a crush? D: No, he really liked me more than the other way around and then he went away I thought oh actually quite miss him now... we just got on... he was the first person I met who didn’t so I went out with a lot of people who I found out bored me after six months.... And he didn't try and control me so I think a lot of relationships that I had with men maybe because it was along time ago they try to control me so I had to conform and behave in a certain way and I really hated that

N: it's still a same now men haven't changed D: is it? F: yeah

D: I didn't like that so so he was the first person I met who encourage me to do well at work he really wanted me to do well at work and I say stuff to him like I haven't been promoted and he'd say well go and do it go tell them why you should be promoted... he

really didn't try and control me and he has lots of interests which means it's not a boring relationship and we both have our own interests

N: so the girl we interviewed before we ended up talking about men quite a bit and it turns out our generation are quite disillusioned with the idea of finding a partner it just seems completely impossible, do you remember ever feeling like that when you were growing up always it just not anything you thought about?

D: I think expectations were different then because now I think you know with me too and all that everyone now feel that they should be treated differently don't they and I guess women have moved on but men are having trouble coping with the fact that they're not as important.... So when our holiday with my daughter and she has similar views as you because she said the patriarchy is terrible you know she banged on about a quite a bit so yeah I think it's an issue for you guys you feel that you should just be treated the same as men and that men should treat you differently to the way I guess (?) So I can understand why your delusion with the idea of men

N: it's very difficult, it's hard to find someone you can trust that you can bond with that if you give them apart of yourself they aren't just going to take it and run you know or like take it and break it... it's very difficult... when my parents talk about how they got together it seems that is completely different world everyone seemed to trust each other quite easily

D: I think that's what happens when people have very defined places in society, so you kind of knew if I am a woman I'll be at home with the kids and if I man I'll be out. I mean it's not typical but it's not uncommon is it have you read the milkman? It's based in Northern Ireland and it's kind of this thing where women never question anything and that kind of how it was I guess for your parents, I was a bit more subversive

N: I'm pretty sure my parents thought they were rebelling at time and then they've just falling into the normal pattern

D: the triple pattern which is what we did as well so I had to look after the kids I did work as well I chose schools for them I basically did everything I went to parents evenings...

N: I think there's a different view of it... you want to do that for your kids don't you but I think now there's a lot of pressure upon women to have another view of their lives and that that is not enough that's not worthy of life

D: but I think is it would've been better if my husband had been more involved I think it's a partnership and I think that they should both be involved but then I realised he couldn't do it for whatever reason so I thought well I'm going to enjoy it

N: that's a great way of thinking though it's great because you work to make sure it didn't fall apart actually put that in rather than just be like it's not working out

D: well I just did I didn't want to be resentful. I didn't want my kids to think I was being resentful with them because that's how it would've come across to them and I thought it was really important for them to know that I wanted to be with them it would've been better if my husband has been even so I wanted to be there with them so I did you make that decision that I wouldn't complain about it

N: is your husband English?

D: oh yes he's English

N: do you find any culture clashes between you or was everything quite easy

D: I think it was more opinion clashes which I think happens in all relationships you have a difference of opinion about things

F: so how do you feel about sharing a part of yourself with other people like sharing your stories with other people

D: I'm doing it with you now Faye F: yeah I know but normally if you met a stranger or someone in society

D: if I trust them it's fine by think it's like that with everyone isn't it you wouldn't talk about your life to anybody

N: how do you decide how to trust somebody

D:um

N: is it just an instinct thing, intuition?

D: yeah it's feeling if I got to know someone quite well and as you talk you feel more comfortable yeah I think it's the same for everybody isn't it

N: yeah I dunno there's a lot of complex humans out there some people just lock-up and don't let anyone ever in I dunno I'm trying not to assume any more I've come across too many different kinds of people

F: for us it's more complicated because we think a lot in our generation we always feel like

N: we are all very anxious

F: we're all anxious about relationships things happening around us so I want to know

D: I think everyone always feels anxious about relationships I don't think it ever ends

N: that's not hopeful

D: you know none of us want to feel like we've missed out I don't if it's any different view I don't know do I feel anxious?

F: where is the source of your strength for living positively

D: I think it's just.... If I wasn't positive I'd be really really depressed... have you ever been through that?

N: yes every day of my life

D: February I get so depressed every year February comes and I sort of feel quite down because its very cold it's still quite dark, I sort of have this period of time this week where I'm feeling just awful so I say right pull yourself together I think I have to be busy when I'm not busy Faye that's when I find life tough

N: that makes sense

D: when you sit around all day and you don't have any goals all challenges then I think it is yeah I would say is that being busy

N: you seem quite conscious of that though you know yourself quite well then to have figure that out and prepared for it I think for us we get quite overwhelmed... we forget where we are even though we might know like you said like in the winter things will get bad again we get so caught up in whatever we’re doing at the moment we forget this thing is coming and then we just end up falling into the same trap. It's very annoying.

D: I think I still fall into the same trap so I can't stop it from happening but then I try and make sure it doesn't last too long but if you met me you would never know you wouldn't know from looking at me so its an internal thing

N: that's interesting, so you don't like to share that like bad things D: I don't know N: do you feel like it's not that productive

D: I only shared it once, so I started life as an accountant obviously as you can tell and I did this one job and it was February March and i was getting more and more upset and I was helping the woman who ran the company I was going through invoices and spreadsheets and I remember saying to her I just feel so awful I really have to snap out of it she was just kind of like oh yes mhmm and I realise that you have to hit bottom and then you can come up so I had to get there so I could come out of it. That's the only time really. Oh and I talk to my aunt about it once she said oh we all go through that... it's not that I don't want to share is just me I don't need to share it I guess there are some emotions you want to share and others you don't feel you need to share if that makes sense

N: I suppose sharing the negative stuff is sort of a form of dwelling on it and making it last longer

D: and it doesn't resolve anything

F: yeah I think it affects other people as well sometimes... do you feel confident about yourself

D: I don't feel I lack confidence I'm quite happy to go do certain things but I'm not sure if that confident or pigheadedness

N: no that's confidence F: yeah that confidence

D: I'm not scared of many things F: why are you not scared of many things

D: I think after a while when you've done quite a lot and it's all going okay things worry you less and less but then I was always like that yeah I think it's desire to do things overcome the fear do you know what I mean like you coming to London you'll probably worried about it but you wanted to come to London more than the fear of coming to London. The fear of London was overcome by the desire to be here. Yes so when you want things I think you go and get them is that confidence or desire

[apsbicepstraining]

Ajax return to the Cruyff ideologies as Peter Bosz results new generation

After touching aside Lyon in the Europa League semi-final first leg, the Dutch squad can scent a chance of a first European trophy in 22 years

It is a cold Thursday morning at Ajaxs De Toekomst complex, where the canteen doubleds as a trophy area, the sheer heavines of football insight can be overwhelming, and the atmosphere is unsurprisingly buoyant after the events of the previous evening at the Amsterdam Arena. Nothing is being taken for granted but Ajax can be excused for pity pleased to see themselves after their stunning act in the first leg of their Europa League semi-final. These reasons are supposed to be cagey, cautious liaisons and they have just torn up the write by beating a dangerous Lyon side 4-1.

Out on one of the tones, the team are doing a light-colored improvement discussion. The rondos are over and the time has come for some shooting pattern. Edwin van der Sar is watching from the touchline and the coach extending the sends is Dennis Bergkamp. One of the players to catch the eye is Justin Kluivert, a young winger who hinders finding the top angle with eerie calm.

It is a scene that summing-up up Ajaxs philosophy, with each reputation representing the a part of the clubs someone, and the past and present combining to create a brighter future. Bergkamp is the cerebral genius who ogles as if he could still do a job on the pitch, Van der Sar the former goalkeeper who has become an unlikely marketing expert and Kluivert the teenage son of the man who tallied the triumphing aim when Ajax won the last of their four European Cups by beating Milan 22 years ago.

The manager is abroad. Peter Bosz, who was so mesmerized by Ajax in the 90 s that he would drive from Rotterdam to Amsterdam to watch Louis van Gaals training sessions and whose principles developed from his heaving scrapbook of Johan Cruyff articles, expends the morning inside its term of office, pinpointing neighbourhoods for improvement before Thursday darkness second leg at Stade de Gerland.

He is worried. Alexandre Lacazette, Lyons star striker, is fit again after a thigh trauma. I already ascertained five or six times where if my champions accept like they were digesting yesterday, against Lacazette he will score, Bosz says. I have to show them.

Not many guilds can match this level of patrimony, which justifies the romance attached to the thrilling resurrection that has taken Ajax close to their first European final in 21 years, an achievement realise even more impressive by how they are staying true to their identity: seven members of the starting lineup against Lyon were 21 or under.

For the time being, of course, they cannot hope to take part in the latter stagecoaches of the Champions League. Van der Sar announces it a playground for the rich and famous and Ajax know to their cost how much money talks in the modern period, how market coerces have conspired against them and interested the most difficult squads in the richest leagues. For a society of the stature of Ajax, its been too long that we were away from the international platform, he says.

Edwin van der Sar, formerly a goalkeeper and now the CEO of Ajax, and the organization manager, Peter Bosz. Image: Chris de Bode/ Panos Pictures for the Guardian

One of the most significant goalkeepers in Europe during his playing eras , now Van der Sar is one of the Ajax enormous striving to turn Cruyffs vision of how the game should be played into a reality. Bergkamp, Richard Witschge and Aron Winter are on the coaching personnel, and Marc Overmars is the technological director. Jaap Stam worked with the defenders before moving to Reading. He taught me how to use my limbs, Jol Veltman, a veteran in this crew at persons under the age of 25, says. I was too shy in struggles. He said dont smash-up in but use your arms.

They are a fascinating radical who regularly collaborate and debate football. There is no shortage of minds. Thats the entertaining event, Van der Sar says. It is not always easy but we speak as one voice. We have a technical heart.

Intriguingly, however, Van der Sars capacity is not on the pitching. Marketing, rather than coaching, appealed to him after he adjourned. Now the former Manchester United No1 is responsible for increasing Ajaxs financial competitiveness. They do situations differently here.

When I got a call from Johan Cruyff and Dennis Bergkamp two months after I retired, this is only the relevant recommendations that they had for the team, to accompany an ex-player into the directors power and eventually as the central male, he says. Those six years at United showed me what a club involves. You necessary commercial-grade revenue and revelation. I have brought that a bit, get three Chinese sponsors. Its trying to connect two worlds. Thats why we want a footballer as a CEO.

While Van der Sar watches instructing from great distances for 10 instants, Bosz eventually emerges from the main structure shortly after midday. He is looking like an inspired appointment. His predecessor, Frank de Boer, won the name in each of his first four seasons but Ajax faded in his final two safaruss and manufactured little impact in Europe. Bosz has energised the team since his arrival in the summer and is favourite, despite expend five years at Feyenoord as a player.

Ajaxs detested Rotterdam competitors are likely to triumph the Eredivisie, despite their 3-0 defeat at Excelsior last weekend. They are a spot above Ajax with one equal left but optimism crowds the Amsterdam Arena these days. Boszs young squad started nervily against Lyon but the noise never expired down during an tricky opening 20 times. The devotees cherish what they are watching.

Bosz cannot stand negative football. He was a defensive midfielder a destroyer but that is not his managerial mode. When I consider my team only defending and destroying like I did I will not enjoy it, he says. I made when Im on the bench at the least I will give myself a glad afternoon. If I grant myself a joyous afternoon, I can give it to the fans.

In an repetition of Pep Guardiolas Barcelona, Bosz privileges a feverish pressing competition. Barcelona have a three-second convention, he says. Were not Barcelona, so I make two seconds on.

Bosz chortles. The five-second govern is something that if you lose the pellet, this is the best moment to get the dance back again. The resist necessity more or less five seconds to get in the right points. We have to get wise back right away.

The 53 -year-old is an admirer of Guardiola. His favourite work is Pep Confidential, Marti Perarnaus account of Guardiolas first season at Bayern Munich. He learned from Guardiolas attention to detail, how he would work out in advance which resist actor was always free-spoken on the attack. I always thoughts Bayern Munich is such a strong team that you dont have to watch for the opponents for two or three days, Bosz says.

There are similarities between Bosz and Guardiola. Boszs pundits accept his high-risk programme asks for hardship but his principles have not changed since his first responsibility at lowly AGOVV, from where he went on to enjoy success at Heracles and Vitesse Arnhem.

What they call naive is that my defence was on the halfway cable with a lot of space at the back, Bosz says. But you have to organise really well. If you do that, you have the five-second rule. You lose the ball and press them immediately, then its possible. If you look at our concerts in Europe, yesterday was[ exclusively] the second duration “were having” confessed in our stadium.

That level of severity asks mental sharpness as well as physical fitness. Any player who permits his head to put after wealth is lost knows himself on Boszs wrong side. Dont be disappointed in yourself, he says. Dont be disappointed in your team-mate.You have to press. This is the moment. Not one participate. The whole team. If you do that privilege, you will not relinquish. We have young players, so when we lose the ball, in their recollection, they go back immediately because they have to defend. My way of thinking is we go forward immediately because we want the pellet back.

Bosz should not be mistaken for a foolish idealist. He is focused on preserving organisation and expends hours poring over parallels to find apparently innocuous mistakes. He does not smile much and his mother tells him to chortle more on television but he insists he is a positive guy. But I am also critical, he says. “Were not receiving” such thought as a perfect activity. It doesnt exist. It will never exist.

What about when Barcelona Beat Real Madrid 5-0? There were a lot of things in video games that they didnt do well. I look on the computer and I write down the right-back, ah, he is too high.

The five-second rule works only if Ajax are alert to danger when they have the projectile. Bosz calls this rest defence. There may be 50 situations “weve got to” do well, Bosz says. First I explain to my participates how we will performance. Then I will show them an living of residual excuse. Then clips of training and the game. Then we show them the mistakes we make and what we have to do better. You also show them when the pressing activity was astounding. We show them clips from big teams in Europe. Then the idea is in the heads of the players.

His approach stems from his appreciation of Cruyff. I would just like to one idol, Bosz says. I knew from the age of 16 that one day I will become a manager. So I was educate by writing down what my coach-and-fours were doing right but too reading a lot from Johan. With some pals, we more or less wrote our own book. Every clause, all his interviews were in there. We compiled them and tried to organise them this is for attacking, this is how you defend, this is tactical.

Ajaxs eye-catching young winger Justin Kluivert leaves the training tone. Picture: Chris de Bode/ Panos Pictures for the Guardian

At the start of last year Bosz met Maccabi Tel Aviv, whose technical head is Cruyffs son, Jordi. Just before Johan expired, “hes come to” Israel, Bosz says. We wasted a few weeks together. It was just amazing. Instead of the book that you made, he is talking to you. I was just listening. In 1 week I learned enough for 10 years. He understood two Maccabi recreations and he was there at every improve session.

Boszs head was brimming with impressions but he is aware that not every participate is a football obsessive. This is dangerous for a coach, he says. If I want to give all my knowledge to my players, they will get bored. My communication before the game is not more than five minutes. Its important from those 50 situations that I pick the right ones.

His players took some convincing at first, specially the defenders, and Ajax descended costly levels early on. Veltman says: It was tough. If the left winger goes to the sphere, you go with him. I was like: Ninety times soldier, its hopeless. But it is fun. Sometimes Im on the pitching merely enjoying it like a follower on the side. Then I get goosebumps.

Veltman is a product of Ajaxs academy, along with the officer, Davy Klaassen, and a younger generation is developing. Kluivert revolved 18 last-place Friday. Matthijs de Ligt, a 17 -year-old defender, recently obliged his Holland debut. Van der Sar says: It has intensified in the last five or six years. We have changed the establishment and set an all the more important emphasis on training and change hours and facilities and coach-and-fours. We instruct more during the first year. Then the schoolteachers come here and then they improve again instead of first attending school and then train. So we have two or three more civilize times than before. Hopefully that will pay off.

Van der Sar known to be shunning a knack exhaust will not is very easy. Klaassen is being links between a summer move. Ajax cannot compete financially with the leading sororities in England, Germany, Italy and Spain. Can they hold on to Kasper Dolberg, their lethal Danish striker, or Hakim Ziyech, their brilliant Moroccan attacking midfielder? Can Overmars impede seeing inexpensive gems such as the outstanding Colombian centre-back Davinson Snchez?

Van der Sar says: We dont have the spending supremacy of other sororities. We want to create our own players through of course here i am money to invest but ideally we want to develop participates. If theyre good enough for the top European grade, you meet the average ages of the players who join the big clubs.

You touch everything in this guild. As a participate I ever had a look at the people doing the laundry or the guy scavenging the boot or the security guards. Its important to feel that everyone is gathering in the same lane. Thats reflective in how the organization acts. You need a good right-back, a good centre-half, a No10 I involve a good operational director, a financial person. Its forming sure everyone get forward. Theres the goal we need to rating. Everything behind me was bad because thats a objective. We need to push.

The Ajax players in exercise. Image: Chris de Bode/ Panos Pictures for the Guardian

Ajaxs scouting must be cunning. Selling Arkadiusz Milik to Napoli for 27 m last year enabled Overmars to smashes the 10 m barrier for the first time when David Neres, a 19 -year-old Brazilian send, assembled from So Paulo in January.

Boszs tough three-year spell as Feyernoords technical director not only allowed him to broaden his mind by passing “the worlds” but also offered him an revelation into Overmarss job.

All Bosz asks from Overmars is that he fetches him ingenious players. I dont care what they did at institution, he says. I congregated some guys who went to university and were not intelligent musicians. Smart actors foresee. Unintelligent players react. Always. If you think faster, you are faster on the field. If you react, you are always too late. Just knowing that going to happen , not whats already happened.

This is the Ajax way. It goes back to Cruyff. We have to be different, Bosz says. Its the only route we have a chance.

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[latinaconfundida]

hey i’m gonna go over my queer horoscope and it’s gonna be under this read more tag!!!!

cw for tarot cards and talking abt intimacy, relationships, anxiety, brief mention of pain and trauma (not events but just the actual words)

https://www.autostraddle.com/satellite-of-love-queer-horoscopes-for-october-2017-396405/

So i’m a scorpio sun, leo moon, cancer rising, sag venus

“As always, the astro-literate are advised to read their Venus and Moon signs first (because these are relationship horoscopes), followed by their Sun and rising.”

stuff in brackets [ ] are my notes

“This month, Jupiter moves into Scorpio. From October 10th until November 8th of 2018, we’ll be using the tools of Scorpio to expand, learn, and grow. While Libra is about choosing the paths that are most harmonious, Scorpio is about releasing past pain and trauma so we can deepen in intimacy. Libra is the relationship phase where we choose our partners, Scorpio is the emotional work we do to let our partnerships be places of healing rather than pain or disconnection…. [eep] It encourages us to lead with our hearts and trust our truest desires. It helps us grow our courage. Scorpio is one of the bravest signs, asking us to sustain all the chaos and discomfort of not knowing yet—of being in transition. Scorpio asks us to take big risks, to be as vulnerable as we can bear. [as a scorpio sun how about no!!!!!!] It knows that deep, caring connection is the best medicine. It knows we’ve all been hurt by love. It asks us to be willing to step into that pain, as much as we are able, to risk loving more deeply.”

“Rather, Jupiter asks us to get smarter, more creative, and more curious about how intimacy can look. With Jupiter in Scorpio, we’re drawn toward what is truly joyous and healing in situations that have scared us in the past.”

so now my venus in sag:

“Patience isn’t a virtue you particularly enjoy, but it is what will help you most right now. You are still in transition. You don’t get to know all the answers yet. There is more happening beneath the surface than you can see right now: trust that whatever feels hollow, disappointing, or suffocating right now isn’t the whole story and won’t last forever. Develop a different perspective by trusting that whatever magic you’re used to chasing (in a new lover, a new town, or a new adventure) is already with you, right now. If you don’t see it, you’re not looking carefully enough. Train your senses to pick up on subtler cues, and cool your instinct to find a shiny new distraction when you’re bored.

Begin growing toward: Letting your dreams point you in the right direction. Bravely examining the hidden places of your soul. Relying on your instincts more than your intellect. Paying more attention to what’s beneath the surface. Giving up the need to know why. Trusting when something feels right, and not settling for anything less.”

my tarot cards have been telling me that i need to wait and everything will resolve itself. and that makes sense because i had been asking them about a very specific event, but now that my horoscope is saying this, it makes me wonder whether my tarot deck was referring to my question or to my life in general? 

it would make a lot of of sense if it were talking abt my life in general bcz last night i was feeling very anxious, like something was going to happen. strange. 

at the other bolded parts: damn i got dragged!!!!! 

Leo moon:

“There’s a lot about you that people never get to see. They can get enamored or incensed with the part of you that is most visible, but you’ve learned to only get really real with a few folks. This month is all about celebrating those times and places and connections where you can drop the mask. It can be hard to stop trying to impress—part of it might be so engrained in you that you forget it’s even there. But imagine that it’s not your sexy undercut or your crisp fashion or your witticisms that people fall for when they fall for you—even if that’s what they notice first. Right now, believe in the hidden and mysterious core of who you are that isn’t so much something you can craft as something you let yourself fall back into when you’re exhausted. Imagine being held, and seen, and loved, in this state of total surrender. That’s the kind of love the world has for you right now. All you have to do is find those places where you can totally let go.

Begin growing toward: Rooting deep down into the life you’re choosing. Calling on all your ancestors (queer heroes, blood family, chosen family) to help you feel safe and protected in your body and home. Knowing that you belong. Letting people in. Choosing who you want to nest with.”

All this time i thought my reluctance to get close to people came from my scorpio sun??

bolded parts: again, dragged!!!!!!! it’s not as if i craft this whole persona that i present, but i think it’s more that i’m very cautious around people. If people i dont know very well ask me about my personal life, i’ll give a short answer. but for me, “personal life” encompasses a lot of things, like, “what’s your family like” or “what did you do over the summer”. i’m always like “why do you want to know????” 

“imagine being held, and seen, and loved, in this state of total surrender.” That’s only something i do with very very very close friends. and even then, i’m still very squeamish about it!!!!! like, i’ll make offhand comments abt my ex a lot, but if someone asks me, i’m not going to go into it because it’s difficult to think about. (that’s making it more mysterious than it actually is, it’s not that deep.) my friends from high school visited me last weekend, and we stayed in the shakes kitchen until 3 am just talking about ourselves and our past relationships and our love languages… it was so much of myself to bare in one night, and it’s strange to think that i felt so comfortable revealing so much of myself. i guess it’s just not something i’m used to doing. i feel like last time i was able to share so much of myself was when i was in high school, with a huge friend group, with a boyfriend. yeah there was drama, but i still felt comfortable to share most everything with my friends. not to say that i’m most comfortable sharing things when i’m in a relationship, because i’m not; i think that my high school experience had more to do with the fact that i was experiencing self-acceptance for the first time. 

all this to say that i think i’m doing a good job at being more comfortable at sharing more of myself and that a lot of my horoscopes have lately been about being in a relationship.  unless i enter into a relationship (romantic or sexual) with someone that, when i first met them, i started to inherently trust (super rare people!!! it happens but not often at all!!!!), then i dont want a relationship. I would just want to make out with people. Then again, i inherently trusted my ex and that led to a lot of things. 

i guess i’m not immediately worried about getting hurt if i get into a relationship; i’m worried that i’ll devote too much time to them and not enough time to myself, like my last relationship, or that we’ll connect too fast and i’ll just want to tell them everything about me because i’ve connected to this person so deeply that i feel they should know everything about me. and it’s strange that i feel i would open up to a theoretical significant other when i still feel a barrier when i try to speak as openly and honestly to my friends. i guess i need more platonic intimacy. 

[see even typing all this is making me cringe!! because i’m being vulnerable aaahh!!] 

ok here it is summed up, i think: if people want to interact with me, it has to be emotionally OR sexually. i dont think i could handle both. if someone wants to to do both, it has to be a specific person. i’m attracted to so many people on this damn campus but i have an instinct about this one person that i could potentially be in a relationship with. but i’m not about to go for it because that would be incredibly messy. i’m just gonna consult my tarot cards about what i should do.

scorpio sun:

“Whatever you’re about right now, it’s about to get turned way up. As Jupiter moves into your sign, you’ll be attracting a lot of everything. Intense is one way to put it, but whether that’s exciting or exhausting is up to you. [great] Where’s your energy already at? Are you flirting with a bunch of bad ideas, or are you focused on building something you’re really proud of? Wherever your time and attention are most caught up right now, expect big results. These can be spectacular transformations, opportunities, and rewards for all your hard work. They could also be spectacular breakdowns, failures, and other growth opportunities. Whichever you’re reaping right now, you always have the chance to learn and redirect. This is also a reminder that as Jupiter will be sticking around for awhile it’s an excellent year to pursue your deepest ambitions, show up for deeply healing love, [aaaahhhh!!!! no] and call all the things into your life that you want to increase and multiply.

Begin growing toward: Becoming as brave and powerful as you know you can be. Seeing yourself as someone who can face whatever comes up. Trusting the wisdom of your desires. Aligning yourself with deep transformation. Calling in the partners who will help you stay true to yourself.”

this one is meh but good to think about

cancer rising:

“Now is not the time to be shy. You have a lot of opinions and a lot of desires. All of these are valuable. Repeat that to yourself until you deeply believe it. The world wants to adore you right now—let it. Collaborate with this energy by turning up the volume and shining your brightest energy at the people who inspire you most. Through all the pain you’re carrying (right now, in general, ancestrally), there gets to be joy, always. Let that joy be what moves you most this month. Begin growing toward: Being a little louder about what you want. Stepping into pleasure as a source of healing. Getting the attention you deserve. Releasing whatever pain blocks you from the growth you want: creative projects, children, plants, land projects. Getting playful about your own shadow side.“ 

this one is also meh. 

this post turned more into “let’s analyze your intimacy problems” rather than “what does your horoscope say” but that’s ok

#i should be doing my homework!!!! #okay to interact with #i feel like after writing this #i need closure but in order to get closure i need to speak with a v specific person and they are currently asleep #abt me #scorpio #astrology

[farmhouseblue-antiquer-blog]

This One is for All You Girls of All Ages! Enjoy!

**Warning lots of Side Notes in the () of this post! 😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉

Having a complicated day because you plan to do something & everything possible gets in the way of that plan?

STORY - OF - MY - LIFE!!!!

I am probably the most lucky, unlucky person!

Lucky? Because First and Most Importantly I have The Good Lord on my side! His LOVE for his children is more than we can imagine! Have children? Love them with everything in you? Well He loves us more than that if you can fathom that thought for just a moment…..Secondly, I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally (& believe me when I say UNCONDITIONALLY) I recently had a baby which he is the best thing God has granted my husband & I & from my experience of pregnancy to birth to breastfeeding to my health to those dreadful stretch marks to the post partum hormones & to that lovely baby weight my sweet, handsome, hardworking, motivator, & leader of our home, husband has loved me through all of it & doesn’t just love me tells me I’m beautiful (when clearly I have some things to improve) & even embraces the ugliness! And for me there wasnt anything JOYOUS about having a baby except for the fact I have a little bundle of joy swaddled in blue! Anybody with me? Nobody tells you the yucky stuff you’re gonna go through to physically, mentally, & spiritually make another human being! It’s hard work! So I said all that to say this: This is to all the new moms out there I know how you feel, This is also to all you young girls who are still figuring the world out & getting caught up in those moments don’t let those worldly desires seep in because the second you let your guard down your gonna end up heart broken & starting a A Brand New Life too early in life (don’t rush your life) I promise, you will get your chances of getting everything you want there’s just one thing holding you back…Gods plan & His timing…& find a man who will love you UNCONDITIONALLY!! Last but certainly not least to all you ladies who have already ..been there, done that ..Thank you for the wisdom you have shown me through your love & care it has made me know the kind of woman I want & desire to be!

Unlucky? Well for all you who dont know me personally I love my house to be neat, organized, & clean that however is not logical in my life right now! I have a brand new baby boy for starters who DOES NOT like to be put down so he is literally attached to the hip or is in his papoosa which is attached to me! His needs come first & by the time I have a free moment to just go use the little girls’ room usually, I’m exhausted & just want to nap with my baby.. that basket of clothes can always wait right?? Wrong….. it makes for an even more stressful day when there’s stuff everywhere & my absolute favorite thing about when my house does finally get cleaned completely is when my husband comes in throws the mail in “his” usual spot on the counter & walks to the bathroom to take his shoes off (which I’m guilty of too) or my absolute favorite he walks to the bedroom to take his clothes off & throws them in the floor (I want to SCREAM YOU JUST WALKED FROM THE BATHROOM WHICH HAS OUR LAUNDRY ROOM IN IT & TOOK YOUR SHOES OFF & WALKED TO THE BEDROOM WHERE YOUR CLOSET IS & YOUR SHOES BELONG TO TAKE YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES OFF & THROW IN OUR FLOOR) yes yes that makes total sense!?! I’m often dumbfounded in this situation! So sometimes I say something but I try my hardest to be super nice about him picking his shoes up out of the floor & 9 times out 10 I don’t say a word because he is a good husband in every other part of our relationship! I try So hard to go behind him & clean it up but it ends up back in the same way every week! Who’s with me? So my unluckyness comes into play when I wake up in the morning I set a goal of at least to get one thing accomplished for that day …But for me to get that one thing done it literally takes me all day to do! Why you ask? Well because my son needs a bottle I put him in the floor he lays there maybe 10 minutes if I’m lucky… Okay now his diaper is wet I go & change it we get fixed back in the chair & he spits up so now we have to change clothes & usually he gets me too so I too go through about 2 or 3 shirts a day sometimes less on a good day! 😉 Okay I’m holding him so he won’t cry because his crying breaks my heart! Oh yay! He is finally asleep I can get that goal done now… I go lay him down if it’s something outside it usually starts raining like pouring rain & about 10 mins later I’m hearing him crying bc he has figured out I’m not holding him so I attach him to me so I can at least get something done like walking or unloading the dishwasher something that makes me feel not like a failure! My mom & grandmother’s houses are spotless clean it makes me literally sick when mine is a disaster & usually stays that way when I leave to go to a Dr appt or town or etc. Oh & btw did I mention I have a seizure disorder & I have recently had a seizure since I birthed my baby & can’t drive so I have to depend on other people right now! Yes I’m thankful for my loved ones that will carry me & my baby & all the stuff you have to take to go anywhere when you have a baby because when you leave your house it’s literally like moving but don’t you like just being able to get in your car & drive to get away maybe for about 5 mins or so to just recollect your thoughts? Well I do! So one thing I’ve learned about being unlucky in all these ways & having Jesus on my side is that my life here may not always be Grand but on the other side of those pearly gates my life will be a mansion full of beauty I can’t even imagine! And last but not least if you think your life is a mess, God sees your life as a Beautiful Mess because He made you the way you were supposed to be & He doesn’t make mistakes! Always remember how FABULOUS God Made You (A quote from one of my friends)!!!

The great thing about me being off for 4 months with my baby (all thanks to my sweet husband once again) is I have been cleaning out lots of things this summer! Summer cleaning if you will because in this adorable, tiny house with 2 adults & a baby where there’s baby stuff everywhere keep in mind we have quickly outgrew this home & my organized house at one time became very cluttered so if you follow me on Instagram you will see some projects I have completed lately & just so you know I still am trying to figure out how myself that I have managed to get it done! I am currently in the middle of another project & hopefully tm I will be completed with it I have slowly worked on it this week while doing other wifey & mommy duties so please check it out!!

[viralhottopics]

Piers Morgan: Im just putting opinions out there. Its my job

This week Morgan has taken on the Womens March, argued with Ewan McGregor, and boasted about being Donald Trumps best British friend. Why does he do it? Does he even believe what he says?

Piers Morgan last cried when his grandmother died, a little more than three years ago. Before that, he cant remember. Im not a crier, really. He sees himself more as a pantomime villain, and I thoroughly enjoy playing up to it. I cant even imagine the pressure of being some kind of national treasure. So for me, the panto villain part, I actually enjoy that whole thing.

Even by his own notorious standards, Morgan has had a fractious week. His Daily Mail column on Monday, which criticised last weekends womens marches, provoked Ewan McGregor to cancel an appearance on Good Morning Britain in protest. Morgan retaliated with another column calling the actor a paedophile-loving hypocrite. Feminists were furious with him all over again when he defended the right of employers to compel female staff to wear high heels.

Then, as Theresa May prepared to meet Donald Trump, he taunted Downing Street by firing off a public memo in the Mail, advising the PM or, to put it another way, showing off about how to approach his friend, the president. If its all going horribly wrong, dont hesitate to mention my name or even give me a call directly from the Oval Office and I will smooth things over. Its the very least I can do for my country. A memorable highlight came with his mute appearance at the National Television awards. He stood beside his Good Morning Britain co-presenter Susanna Reid, who had gagged him with his own tie.

It was Susannas idea, he says. We were in the car on the way, and she said, I think I know exactly how to get a joyous reaction from the nation. And it was indeed one of the great moments in British television, and the nation rejoiced.

The only detail of the weeks dramas that appears to have troubled Morgan was the discovery that working with him makes Reid cry.

I was surprised, he says, suddenly quieter. Because shes never cried at work, never seen her like that at all. So it was an interesting thing for me to discover this week that my co-host quite often goes home from work and cries. Its probably not always unconnected to me. How does he feel about that? A bit uneasy, actually. Quieter still. Yeah. A bit uneasy.

Ive known Morgan a little ever since he was the loud, precociously young editor of the Daily Mirror in the 1990s, and have always enjoyed his company tremendously. But our paths havent crossed since Trumps bid for the presidency propelled the journalist into his surprise new role as the leader of the free worlds best friend in Britain. The pair have been on close terms since 2008, when Morgan won the first series of Celebrity Apprentice, and Morgan now performs the role of Trumps tirelessly loyal defender while constantly claiming to be not a political sympathiser but just a personal friend.

When I watched Morgan reduce a young female guest to tears on Good Morning Britain two weeks ago, berating her as the worst kind of mother, I wondered whether I would still enjoy his company. The tone felt uncomfortably ugly, more in keeping with an altright online troll than the mischief-maker who used to conduct playful feuds with clowns like Jeremy Clarkson. This weeks events could be read by critics as further evidence to support the unhappy impression that cheerleading for Trump has soured Morgan, and turned him into a rightwing, misogynistic bully.

If one is looking for further evidence to confirm that impression, Morgan doesnt disappoint. The 51-year-old bounces into his local pub, just off Kensington High Street, and opens with his reaction to Trumps comments about waterboarding and torture he is exercised by the BBCs misreporting of what Trump said. There is, as you know, a massive debate in America about waterboarding. I dont personally subscribe to torture. But its an arguable point as to whether waterboarding constitutes torture which is startlingly tepid for a man who once campaigned against the abuse of Iraqi detainees by coalition forces.

Morgan has been friends with Trump since he won Celebrity Apprentice in 2008. Photograph: Photowire/BEI/Shutterstock

He refers to a swarm of migration through Europe, and defends Trumps comment about wanting women to be punished for having illegal abortions. It would be a pretty logical thing for somebody who believes abortions a crime.

Critics who suspect Morgan will say anything to generate attention might equally seize upon his admission that this weeks controversies are completely connected to the fact that he has a new series of Piers Morgans Life Stories on ITV next week. He is strategising to maximise publicity all the time, he says freely. Of course! Everyone on TV is. Im just better at it than most of them.

Whether or not Morgan would welcome this, the truth is that I nevertheless find him much more nuanced and less cocksure than his public persona or Twitter feed might suggest. The reliably consistent theme in all of his feuds is intolerance of hypocrisy.

So his objection to the womens marches, he explains, is simply this. How does it help the cause for any woman on that march fighting for genuine issues, for equality and everything else, for one of the lead speakers Madonna to talk openly about having had dreams of blowing up the White House? Im not sure why Morgan would take Madonna seriously, when she herself has said she was speaking metaphorically, and he was willing to take Trump at his word last year (he denied he had meant to incite Hillary Clintons assassination during a rally speech). Because if you make a threat like that at an airport, youd be arrested and put in jail. Why should it be a different rule for Madonna? I point out that she wasnt at an airport, but another speakers incest joke about Trumps daughter struck Morgan as similarly offensive.

Ivanka Trump is a mother of three, very hardworking. I know her very well and I felt really incensed on her behalf when the sisterhood decided to be incredibly offensive about her whilst at a rally designed to counter the anti-women rhetoric of the President Donald Trump. Theres a hypocrisy there which I just found ridiculous. If your main issue with Trump is the way that he talks to people, and the language and the belligerence and the bombast and the wording, then I dont think you should be doing the same thing to him.

What drives Morgan quite mad is hypocritical virtue signalling masquerading as political engagement. Ewan McGregor was basically trying to position me as a great woman-hater. So, I decided to just take a look at his own record in this area, and load of interviews he gave about his great friend Roman Polanski, what a fine man he was, how sorry he was that he had to go to prison, blah, blah, blah and Im like, Really? I wonder how the sisterhood who currently have you down as the No 1 hero for womens rights in the world would feel knowing that Roman Polanski admitted his crime, then left the country to avoid justice when he was facing a long prison sentence for raping, drugging and sodomising a 13-year-old girl?

Why does McGregors affection for Polanksi discredit his feminist credentials, but not Morgans for Trump? Trump hasnt been convicted of raping anyone. Look, my position has been consistently, from day one,that I wouldnt vote for him. But I do know him very well, and I would just like to slightly offer a more tempered view of the man that is being described everywhere as the new Hitler and the monster. I just think now hes there, its like Brexit; I voted remain, but Ive always been a glass-half-full person, and Im prepared to have an open dialogue with people like Nigel Farage about how we now maximise the opportunity of Brexit. The same with Trump. I find the hysteria just pointless and absurd and self-defeating and ridiculous. Ive got friends of mine literally losing their minds. And Im like, calm down, please calm down. I know this guy.

Coming from Morgan, who personally wrote the paedophile-loving headline for his McGregor column, this will strike some as a bit rich, but he goes on: Its very important in this extremity of debate, the kind of thing that led to Jo Cox getting killed, to be calm. Isnt Morgan himself an arch professional provocateur? But Im just putting opinions out there. Im a columnist, its my job. Isnt anyone else allowed to hold contentious views? Of course! And coming from a highly opinionated family, Im drawn to people who have opinions and are prepared to argue them.

I would have thought Madonna, who Morgan never tires of attacking, would fall into that category. No, because she has an opinion quota based on this pure ability to shock and offend, which I find pointless, quite cliched and increasingly very nauseating.

Morgan never tires of attacking celebrities such as Hugh Grant or Steve Coogan either, for whining about the press. But all the complaints made by those two actors wouldnt amount to a fraction of Trumps grievances with the mainstream media, of which Morgan with two newspaper columns and three TV shows is unquestionably a member.

I dont particularly consider myself to be MSM. Id probably be more a kind of renegade; Im RMSM, renegade mainstream media. I dont think the mainstream media has ever fully made me a paid-up member of their club.. As he breaks off this line of thought to tweet about his latest Daily Mail column, I suggest hes on a sticky wicket here. OK, alright. But I am afraid that the journalists have to stop whining.

It was an interesting thing for me to discover that my co-host quite often goes home from work and cries Morgan with Susanna Reid at the National Television awards. Photograph: Jeff Spicer/Getty Images

As a fanatical champion of a robust free press, surely he thinks Trump should stop whining? Its a good point, he concedes. My honest answer is I think theyve all got to calm down . I think Trump has to have a more respectful relationship with the media and they have to have it with him.

For all Morgans ferocious rhetoric, he is surprisingly willing to concede points. Id found his defence of employers forcing women to wear heels suspiciously unpersuasive, and the more we talk, the more ground he gives. Im only saying it to keep the debate going, he admits at one point and when I remind him he praised Julia Roberts for going barefoot on the red carpet at Cannes last year, in protest at the festivals insistence that women attending screenings wear heels, for a fleeting second he looks sheepish. I thought that was quite cool, yes. In an interview with the Times last year, he in fact offered up Robertss protest as an example of what real feminism looked like, didnt he? OK, I think thats a fair point.

Real feminism, Morgan maintains, is not about being a man-hating victim but a strong woman. My mother is an incredibly strong, independent woman. My sister is. My grandmother was. I was brought up around incredibly strong, independent women. Im married to a strong, independent woman. I absolutely define myself as a feminist and take issue with people who think Im not, because by the yardstick of what I give to feminism, which is genuine pursuit of equality in all things for women, I think I pass that test, I do. I do, I love women. Ive always been surrounded bywomen who would never dream of being pushed around by men.

This, I suggest, might be the problem. Go on, he says, genuinely interested. Because Im actually on a learning curve here. When ones only ever known strong women, it can be easy to feel exasperated with those who have suffered experiences that make Morgans idea of strength a pretty tall order. It becomes dangerously easy to get angry with women who stay with their abusers, say, and mistake their predicament for weakness.

I get that. I get it. Totally. He thinks for a moment. I take your point. When I hear that Susanna went home and cried after the show, I would like to have known why, but she would see it as weak to tell me and I dont want her to feel that. He thinks again. You remember, we were put together on Good Morning Britain like an arranged marriage, and I think weve just got to know each other a lot better, and she sees a the upside of having these debates about sexism on air in real time, with me perhaps going on a little bit of a journey of discovery.

Morgans crusade against hypocrisy is, of course, somewhat undermined by the fact that he admits to being a total hypocrite himself Of course! All journalists are! For anyone looking for a reliable rule to explain his wild enthusiasms and fierce feuds, the secret, he says, is really quite simple. Im a human being. If people are nice to me, Im nice to them. An afterthought crosses his mind, and he laughs. Donald Trumps actually pretty similar.

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#Piers Morgan: Im just putting opinions out there. Its my job