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yourekillingmockingbirds-blog · 7 years

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A “Harshly-Worded” Love Letter to the Transmasculine Community

Okay, guys, look. I know this is going to be hard to hear, but it’s hard to say too. In fact, I’ve had it on my mind for a long time but I’ve always been too afraid to say it. That in itself is part of the problem; I shouldn’t be afraid of this, because this community needs to be open to criticism. Well, anyway, I’m not afraid of backlash anymore, this needs to be said.

We need to cut the crap, immediately. This hyper-masculine, self-loathing, ableist bullshit we’ve entrenched ourselves in needs to stop. Warning: This post is going to be very long and quite emotional. I know some people are going to dismiss everything I say because of the tremor in my voice, but you shouldn’t, because I have a point. Additional Warning: in this post will be probably some mentions of self-harm, disordered eating, weight loss, and dysphoria. Nothing graphic or specific, but if mentions of these are triggering for you please be wary. I’ll sum up the main points of my post at the end if you can’t read through the whole thing.

Okay, we good? Alright. I’m going to start off with a story. Please bear with me.

So, a certain amount of time ago, I realized that I was not a cis girl like I’d thought. Turned out I was a trans guy the whole time, surprise. This realization was met with panic and fear, because I thought it meant I couldn’t have a happy life as a trans person. Obviously that’s not true, but it’s how I felt at the time. But I realized at the time that this was probably internalized transphobia talking, and thought that maybe if I gave myself a chance to adjust to the idea and feel welcomed by the community I would feel better. Honestly, this should have been true. It follows naturally that finding more of your own would make you feel better about yourself! But this is not what happened.

What I found instead was a lot of blogs giving me “advice” about passing and coping with dysphoria. This isn’t what I was looking for, but I was dysphoric and I did really want to pass at the time. I was deeply closeted and frankly terrified, but also in constant pain and considerable distress from dysphoria. I was young and weak and vulnerable and I took everything they said to heart: stop smiling in public, act angry or dismissive in order to appear masculine, talk through your chest or not at all, don’t let your hips sway, bind always, and best of all, diet and exercise to lose weight and gain definition in your shoulders.

Sounds innocuous? Maybe it is, if you’re abled and thin to begin with. But for a disabled chubby teen (me), physically incapable of binding with conventional binders and also unable to workout, this advice is extremely harmful. (So are all passing guides, but that is for another post at another time.)

You guys really need to get your heads out of your fucking asses if you want to actually help people. “Passing tips” are nothing but cissexism incarnate, and if you expect any trans person to lose weight or risk harming their bodies in any way in order to cater to your standards you’re no better than mainstream media giving people eating disorders. The result of eating disorders is even the same! Because that’s what expectations of weight loss encourage, eating disorders. Not a better self-image! Not “passing”, not feeling comfortable in your own skin, not an elevated level of physical or mental health! Eating disorders.

This community is also really unfriendly to disabled people, by the way. This toxic masculinity workout culture thing we have going on is, first of all, ridiculous, but also makes us hyper-aware of our own dysphoria in the process of comparing our bodies and picking apart our perceived flaws until we lose any sense of self-worth or body love. And guess what?? That doesn’t actually help anybody. We’re actually making each other feel worse.

Now, you can try all you want to blame me and my weight and my disability for your tips not working. You can try, but deep down you know that is not valid, because if you really wanted to help people you would make your guides inclusive to people like me. You can’t get off on my technicality, you still need to accept some fucking responsibility for the fact that a frightened, dysphoric teenager came in here looking for acceptance and help, and came out with an eating disorder and a body image so fucking shitty he actually starved himself and refused to leave the house or look in the mirror for weeks.

YOU are the reason young trans men feel so bad about themselves. You, this community, need to accept some fucking responsibility, and you need to actually stop being problematic before any of your disclaimers mean shit.

I didn’t do this to myself. Are my underlying issues to blame for the severity of the situation? Maybe so! But does that absolve this fucking toxic bullshit community of anything?? ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT. You can deny and disclaim all you want, but as long as we fucking toxic demons keep being so critical and negative and perpetuating this cycle of “passing tips” and forced hyper-masculinity, none of it matters.

We have to do better.

BE KIND TO EACH OTHER!

Be helpful! Offer support, and help, and positivity, and hope! Do something! Don’t just sit around telling us to lose weight or work out. Don’t glorify hyper-masculinity; there is no justification for pushing that on anyone! Let trans boys and men be as conventionally masculine or feminine as they want, don’t pressure or expect them to exercise, let them not “pass” and not want to and still treat them as valid and worthy men.

tl;dr: Let trans men be fat, let them be frail, let them be disabled, let them be queer and non-white and effeminate and mentally ill and neurodivergent and chronically ill and emotional and anything else without judging them. Let trans men be themselves.

None of this should have happened in the first place. This community should be a place where we can find solace in people like us, and happiness in not being alone! We shouldn’t let the transmasculine community be ruled by cissexism and internalized transphobia and other bigotry. We have to do better.

We have to do better.

Be kind.

Now I know you’re dismissing me in your head right now, calling me a sensitive sissy (as if there’s anything wrong with that.) and blaming me for everything I just said. Alright. go ahead, boys. Hit me with your best shot. You know you’re part of the problem if you’re offended by the sentiment of this post. It’s time to take some fucking responsibility.

Love you. <3

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