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shelbgrey · 1 year

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Love at first sight(Derek Shepherd)

Request: a special request from my buddy @zaidatorcuatomorgado

A/n: thank you so much for the request and Happy early birthday and I hope you enjoy ❤️

A/n #2: there's an OC, the first one I've made in my writing then the main character is a real person, so show her some love.

Greys MasterList

What is love? Or more specifically love at first sight. If you ask me, there is such a thing as love at first sight. People may think it's cliche or a waste of time, but I'm guessing those same people have never experienced it. And then according to psychology, love at first sight means that you and your partner may think you fell in love immediately because of the way you feel about each other months or years later. Psychology believes that love at first sight can be a positive thing.

Then you got true love. Now if you ask me this concept actually exists but according to the dictionary it means this. True love means that you have an unwavering, unbreakable and unparalleled fondness and devotion for your partner. It's also defined by an emotional as well as physical connection with him or her that runs immeasurably deep, and life without your significant other would be practically unthinkable.

--------( 1st pov )--------

The trip from Spain to Seattle was different and unheard of for me to say the least. That being said, it was nerve wracking when my destination was complete. The beauty of the hospital made me as nervous as I wanted in the waiting room. There was nothing to really be worried about, a hospital is supposed to be a safe place, but being someplace new was just scary in itself.

I waited for a few more minutes and as I did it didn’t take long to notice how attractive all the doctors were.

Next thing I knew two female doctors in light blue scrubs came up to me. One was a blonde girl and the other was Asian with dark curly hair. The blonde silently led me to an examination room for the check-up I was scheduled to have. Before the two interns informed me that the doctor on my case would be in soon the darked haired intern forced a smile and said her good-byes before leaving me in the room with the blonde one. She looked over the chart silently as I nervously sat there. I wanted to know what she was thinking, I hoped it was nothing bad. My imagination ran away with me even though I came here for a simple check-up.

The intern sighed and set the medical chat down. “Okay, Dr. Shepherd will be here soon to give you your check-up” she said the doctor’s name in such a disappointing way. Like saying his name left a bitter taste in her mouth.

--------( Derek's pov)--------

I sighed as I watched all the new residents pass by in their orange scrubs. No one was particularly on board with the hospital merger, but then I could really care less right now. All I knew is I had a patient, it was the first one since I became Chief and I was relieved to do something that wasn’t paperwork.

I walked up to the nurses station where Dr. Cullen was. She was a nurse and one of my closest friends. Me and her have known each other since we were kids and then she met Mark through me. The two were dating but right now that wasn’t important.

“Please tell me you have my patient's chart” I said hoping she got it from meredith. I felt bad for making her my messenger but it's better if I avoided Meredith at all cost.

“Her name is Zaida,” she said, handing me the patient's chart. I looked over it real quick then closed it. “Do you want to tag along?”

She put her book down and set up. “Sure, it's a standardized check-up right?” she asked me.

“She has a medical history involving a Surgery to the left foot but there’s not much information on her…I want to do a full work up to be sure” I explained as we walked down the hallway to the examination room she was in.

“Okay” she responded and opened the door where the patient was. She looked up at the sound of the door opening. When she looked at me I swear she was the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.

--------(1st pov)--------

I looked up and saw a handsome doctor with dark hair and Blue eyes. He smiled and closed the door. My cheeks turned a light shade of pink as he got closer.

“Hello, I'm Dr. Derek Shepherd” he held his hand out. I placed my small hand in his nervously. As cliche as it sounds I truly felt a spark once my hand met his. Nervously I pulled away.

“H-hey, im Zaida” I smiled shyly.

He handed the chart to the nurse that walked in with him then walked to the other side of the bed. “Hey Zaida, so we're just gonna check over a few things and we’ll go from there” he smiled and put his stethoscope on. My breath hitched the closer he got to me and my anxiety spiked. When he placed the diaphragm on my chest my heart started moving faster than a weed eater. He stopped for a second and looked at me with kind eyes.

“You okay?” he asked. I silently nodded not believing he was this close to me.

“There's no need to be nervous,” he said smiling. I smiled back, slightly calming down. He was someone I felt like I could be safe with. Even if I just met him I knew I could trust him.

After Derek and the nurse checked my blood pressure and heart he looked over my chart once more. I felt nervous as he continued to read.

“So Zaida, your chart says you had a surgery on your left foot a few years ago” I nodded nervously. As he got closer to my left foot I started to shake. He stopped and looked at me with kind eyes as I looked everywhere but him.

“Dr. Cullen will you please go get the OR prepped for my surgery” she looked up from my chart and set it down next to him. “Sure”

Once she was gone he looked at me and smiled softly. His kind blue eyes and smile made me calm down a bit. “Do you mind if I look?” he asked softly.

I just nodded and started my hands as they rested in my lap. As he looked at the scar on my left foot I felt tears prick my eyes. He must have heard it or something because he stopped suddenly and was by my side in seconds as i started to cry.

At first he didn’t know what to do but then he gently pulled me to his chest and hugged me as I let the tears freely fall. “It's okay,” he whispered. I calmed down a bit and just rested my head on his chest.

“It's just…it happened a little while ago but when I got the surgery it was horrible and then i couldn’t get pain killers and…” she took a deep breath trying to calm down. “I'm just nervous”

He gently pulled me away and held my face in his hands. “You're okay, there’s nothing to be ashamed of…everyone has scars” he said gently wiping the tears away. I smiled softly and nodded.

Suddenly my pager went off. I sighed when I saw it was Meredith. I put it in my pocket and focused all my attention on Zaida. “Thank you” she said softly. Her voice was truly sweet and I could listen to it all day. I don’t know why but she made me feel something I never felt before. I moved closer to her but i quickly jumped back and so did she as Dr. Cullen opened the door suddenly with Mereidth behind.

“Dude it's your patience coded, he needs surgery now” she said. I stood up and looked at the two girls. “Go get him in OR-3 and prep him” I told Dr. Cullen and Meredith. Cullen took off in a flash but Meredith stayed put. I rolled my eyes as she stared at the room pissed off.

“Now Dr. Grey!” she sighed and took off.

I sighed then turned back to Zaida. I sat on her bed and slowly took her hand. “I want you to come back tomorrow…after the information you told me I just want to check a few more things to make sure your okay”

she nodded and I quickly gave her a kiss on the check before leaving for the sudden surgery I had to do.

When I got to the OR I quickly scrubbed in with Dr. Cullen as she was my scrub nurse. “How's Zaida?” she asked. She chuckled as she noticed the slight tint in my cheeks at the mention of her name. “Aw you got a crush” she smiled.

“Anyway” I said, cutting her off. “I think she's okay, she's coming back tomorrow for a follow up” I said. She raised an eyebrow.

“Wouldn't it be easier to just ask her out on a date?” She laughed, I nudged her as we walked into the OR for the surgery.

--------( ....... )--------

After the surgery I walked to the front of the hospital. I couldn’t help but think about Zaida as I got ready to call it a night. As I rounded the corner I was surprised to see Zaida and Dr. Cullen talking in the waiting room.

“Do you know a cheap place to stay around her?” she asked Dr. Cullen. “You don’t live around here?” Dr. Cullen asked softly.

“I'm from Spain” Zaida responded. Dr. Cullen smiled and nodded. It warmed my heart to see the two getting along. Dr. Cullen is my best friend so it was extremely important to me that she likes Zaida.

“Well the closest hotel is-” I cut Dr. Cullen off and sat on the other side of Zaida. “She can stay with us”

“I can?” Zaida said nervously. “She can?” Dr. Cullen said with a smirk. I nudged her foot and continued to talk. “She came a long way, there's no reason to stick her in those shady hotels”

She looked at me and smiled. “Thank you so much” she blushed.

Dr. Cullen stood up and stretched. “Well, i'll go find Mark and well meet you at home”

Zaida looked between us with a shy but jealous look. “You guys live together?”

“Derek built a big house a while back and me and my fiance live with him, we're best friends and I'm engaged to his other best friend” Dr. Cullen smiled.

I felt a little bit of pride that she felt jealousy but then again she shouldn't feel that way. Not in a million years would I date Cullen, she was practically my little sister.

After Zaida and Cullen left for my house I had to go back to my office for one more thing. As I retrieved what I needed I was cornered in the Elevator.

“Who’s the girl?” Meredith asked.

I sighed and looked forward. “Nothing for you to be concerned about”

Meredith rolled her eyes. “It's concerning that your falling for a patient”

The elevator dinged and I quickly exited the small box. “Good-bye”

--------(the next morning, 1st pov )--------

The next morning Derek got called in early so Dr. Cullen drove me to the hospital. After we got there Cullen waited with me in the examination room. We talked occasionally and as we did she taught me how to make an origami heart. After I successfully made a heart Derek walked in with a bright smile. “Good morning,” he smiled.

“Hola” Dr. Cullen said not looking up from the paper bird she was making. “Hey” I said softly.

Derek looked over the chart in silence for a few seconds before checking my heart rate. As he did it increased like the last time.

“Okay…” he mumbled softly then turned to Dr. Cullen. “Cullen can you please check on the patient in room 237”

Dr. Cullen looked at him then at me with a sly smile. She nodded as she put the origami bird on his head on her way out. “Have fun,” she teased.

I looked down in embarrassment as Derek playfully threw the paper bird towards her and the door she was leaving from.

“So how are you feeling today?” he smiled as he looked at the origami heart I made a couple of minutes prior.

“Good” I softly responded as he held the red paper heart in his hand. “That's cool,” he smiled, referring to the piece of paper.

“Dr. Cullen taught me how to make them this morning,” I explained. “I-umm..made it for you” I said carefully, afraid of his reaction. He reacted the exact opposite, he smiled big and put it in the pocket of his white coat.

“How about we talk more tonight, is that okay?” he asked after he did his standard check up.

--------( ....... )--------

Later that night me and Derek were left alone in his home. Dr. Cullen and Mark had left to hang out with a few other friends which made the house a lot quieter than it was the night before. After dinner we both decided to watch a movie but after a while we both got bored and got to talking. He told me about his divorce with Addison and how she slept with Mark. he explained how it made him feel then told me about the time Dr. Cullen and Mark got together and how long it took him to accept it. It took him a while but he then slowly opened up about Meredith.

“Enough about me, tell me about yourself” he smiled.

Him spilling his heart out to me gave me confidence to open up to him. It was only fair, right? “Umm…where do I start” I chuckled. “ I'm from Petrer... It's in Spain. Umm, my favorite sport is karate, I practiced since I was 4 years old until I was 11. It was really exciting even though I had a bad foot that was years before I had surgery on my left foot. the first time I was left with an Orange belt. Then my medical problem on My left foot started.”

Derek turned towards me and continued to listen.

“My medical problems in my left foot began when I was a newborn baby because of a doctor who is at the Elda hospital called Dr. Cifuentes because he wanted me to be born with my left foot turned towards a side and in the hospital of Alicante. In March 2015 they had to operate on me. I was hospitalized for 1 month and it was difficult for me to walk and it was the worst day of my life.” as I explained I started to tear up.

“they put stitches on me that only fell off and I only cried in pain and they did not give me painkillers but in the end my days for my left foot to improve I always make an effort to keep my foot going well, but if it goes badly, I have no idea if they are going to have to operate on my left foot again, so since my rehabilitator completely screwed up”

I looked at him a softly smiled. “I then realized what I really want is to become nurse and physiotherapist”

He listened intently the entire time. He stared at me like he was holding on to every word, and I believed that. Everything about him seemed to be perfected. Honestly it didn’t matter that we just met, but I was infatuated and in love with Derek Shepherd. As I started to cry softy he gently took my hand and laced his fingers with mine. I comfortably moved to his side and rested my head on his shoulder as I slowly claimed down.

“I know we just met and all but, I really like you” he mumbled into my hair.

I slowly looked up at him with doe eyes. I don't know where the confidence came from but I answered with a quick kiss. “I feel the same”

He leaned down and softly kissed me. “Good”

As he stared at me with his blue eyes a knew everything would be okay.

#Derek shepherd #Derek shepherd stories #Derek shepherd x reader #Derek shepherd imagines #Patrick Dempsey #Patrick Dempsey x reader #Greys #Greys anatomy imagines #Grey Sloan memorial hospital #Meredith grey #Mark Sloan #Greys anatomy x reader #Dr. Shepherd

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fanfictiongreenirises · 3 months

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re: ur tags in that $10 food poll, why does the ethnicity of someone factor in to if you'll ask for reimbursement...???

this got really long lmao but in my defence the tl;dr version of it is literally "different cultures have different norms of how paying for food works regardless of amount" but if you're asking why ethnicity is a factor then i'd rather give more detail than leave it there

mmkay so first thing you need to know about me is im bengali, and culturally, there are many things that go into who pays when you're buying food and how reimbursement works. (second thing i'd like for you to know as a disclaimer is i'm 1.5 gen immigrant so my norms with paying might not necessarily reflect the current norms in bangladesh)

so if i'm out with another bengali or south asian person and they're younger than me, i'm paying for the food regardless of cost and absolutely not asking for reimbursement. if they're my age and we're friends and we're not paying for our own food for whatever reason, then we're going to fight about it and whoever loses will fight harder the next time we go out or reimburse in another way (e.g. buying other food, paying for smth else if we're shopping together - rly depends on the relationship, but it doesn't have to be a 1:1 reimbursement), but even if there is no next time and you both know it, there'll still be no "here have the exact amount back via cash/bank transfer" reimbursement over it bc you just wouldn't ask for the money back. if they're older than me, it'll take a pretty unique situation for me to be the one paying but depending on how much older, they'll likely repay me by buying something else, or paying next time. best example of this is my gujarati colleague who's about double my age - the first time we went to grab coffee together at work, it was spontaneous and she didn't have her wallet on her so i paid and refused to give her my bank details, and the next time we went for coffee she paid and specifically was like 'you paid last time' so i'd fight her less on it; every time after that we paid for our own even though she still tried to pay for mine (but fought significantly less, because the initial social dance was over).

however!! the norms in white australian culture (that i've experienced) are different!! if i pay and insist a little too strongly that they don't need to pay me back, then white australians get weird about it - because i'm not following the norms. (they'll either go to Lengths to pay me back, or they'll be like 'cool thx' and move on lmao there's no in between.) so i'll be like 'no you don't need to pay me back it's just $10' once (if at all) and then give in and accept monetary reimbursement. i don't believe anyone when they say i don't need to pay them back, unless i've known them for a v long time, so i'll still find a way to slip them money (or if i have friends who go to Lengths to pay me back, then i'll do the same for them, because that'll be their norm/expectation) (i've seen bengalis try to do this to other bengalis and the reaction ranges from being super offended to really confused/surprised lmaoo)

obviously, this is a super broad explanation and generalisation, and doesn't really take into consideration things like how my personal relationship with people also impacts this, or how different circles will have different norms within those circles that'd override other social and cultural cues that might exist, or how specific people will have preferences for paying you back that you'll respect and often mirror. and obligatory disclaimer: cultures aren't homogeneous and other people will have had different experiences with the ones i've mentioned that won't align with mine; and none of these norms are good/bad or right/wrong, they're just different norms and expectations and ways of doing things

#this got so long 💀#side tangent but i took a cross cultural management class last sem and it was basically entirely about different norms in different culture #and how to become better at cross cultural communication. and for those of us there who were bipoc a lot of it was stuff we'd #had to do at some point or another but there were white aussies in the class whose first interaction with ppl from other countries was uni #and i came out of the class feeling like it should be a mandatory thing for everyone uni-wide bc most of the time the cultural #misunderstandings are bc different norms are seen as a bad/good right/wrong thing instead of: just different ways of doing smth #anyway ill stop rambling now #anonymous

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 7 months

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hurling another enrichment pumpkin at you : any thoughts on how Secrets handles its sociopolitical themes? I haven't had the chance to check the podcast out personally so far but from what I've seen on tumblr it seems to take a much less vague approach to those themes than even Unburied did, and considering how multiple people mentioned that the podcast seems a bit rushed, do you think that affected the handling of this too?

one of the things I did really like was removing any ambiguity as to whether or not we're supposed to interpret this version of the Riddler as a Muslim Indian man, and I think it's fair to assume that by extension that this cements Bruce and Barbara as Black and Latina, respectively. I don't think any of those were really controversial opinions, especially per the fandom I see on our glorious hellsite, but the conformation is cool!

I think exploring the way that Eddie's status as a brown man would contribute to his sense of disenfranchisement and resentment for Society is interesting for sure. it's also used to enable some like... COMPELLING bastard behavior that's very specific to him as a man of color, namely misleading the GCPD to arrest some entirely unrelated Indian man that they can't tell apart from Eddie, and the bit where he's having his little tantrum re: his sister's social climbing and insinuates that she probably has a white husband/boyfriend, which is a thing Asian women are FREQUENTLY attacked for in Asian incel communities. interesting move, I applaud.

I was less impressed by how the series handled its humanization of criminals and incarcerated individuals, which I wrote about a lot on this post about the depiction of Azrael. idk, I like that the rogues look out for each other and we get to see the horrors of realizing that you're so dehumanized by society that your vicious murder becomes a meme, that's a perspective on Gotham's rogues that I feel we don't get a lot! but the series seemed to waffle pretty hard on its own stance on this, Batman seems to be operating a pretty different wavelength than he was at the end of Unburied (he's soooo much more of a cop), and I also genuinely don't know what to do with the reveal that this version of King Tut was running a sex cult, especially since literally the only person who criticized him for that was. you know. also responsible for several brutal murders.

at risk of harping on this too much it feels very strange that a series would be so invested in the humanity of villains and then also have an actual antagonist who's as one note as Azrael is made out to be and gets offed with so little fanfare. the series' other big issue seems to be coming down hard on the side of "we hate violent Christian fundamentalists, they're Bad" and like. yeah, I agree, and that obviously ties in very closely with exploring racism and Islamaphobia that the Riddler has grown up experiencing, but as I said in the other post it's also uuuuuh very weird to make Jean-Paul the narrative scapegoat for far right fundie Christians when, in the comics, that's not his bag at all. he's a dangerous and careless Batman, sure, but he's also very much a victim of the Order of St. Dumas, and it feels like both a sloppy use of the character and a WILDLY missed opportunity to explore the church as a corrupt system akin to Strange's medical abuses in Arkham and everything about the GCPD. idk, it feels like Secrets in the Dark just really jettisoned much more interesting potential stories building on Unburied's themes in favor of a much more black and white narrative.

tl;dr I cannot believe that Secrets in the Dark has forced me to point to David S. Goyer as a comparative paragon of nuance and taste!!! what!!!

#we genuinely don't talk about how insane it is that goyer wrote batman unburied #he's spent years shoveling out shit like batman begins and batman v superman and it turns out he had this in him the whole time #all we had to do was take away the visual component and his budget #ANYWAY #secrets in the dark

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dyemelikeasunset · 1 year

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Dom-kinnie again! After that last comic... *Woah.* I didn't think I'd be able to relate to Dom this much! If you don't mind, I'd like to ask - and it's totally fine if you're not comfortable answering! I was just curious about smth that was brought up, NSFW UP AHEAD - I'm also Asian, and I was raised with very conservative views on sex and sexuality. Recently in my young-adulthood, I've been reevaluating my feelings on the matter and what brings me pleasure (pt.1)

(pt.2) While I don't actively participate, I've found that I can *potentially* find more satisfaction (and fun!) in pleasuring my partner - and that I don't really care about achieving orgasms. How do I know if my feelings are truly *my own* authentically, and not smth born out of social expectations? As in, was I giving in to the harmful conditioning to NOT expect to receive pleasure, or do I truly find personal gratification in making my partner feel good?

HI I honestly don't mind talking about these things. I think being open and honest about sexuality is really important!!

Gonna put this under a read more tho cause it's long as usual

Healthy discussions of sexuality are part of why i started this comic actually!! Recently I finally figured out Dom & Mor's sexual chemistry after like. lol. 15+ years??? And I realized I just had a lot to say. I wanted to portray something candid, relatable, a little educational without being dry-- and ultimately, I wanted to share something human. I'm actually really happy it could touch you this way

Everyone has different experiences that affect their sexuality-- it's the "nature" vs "nurture" argument. And while I know it can be kinda creepy when cishet people ask us about that topic, I think it's important to muse on for our own internal work.

But ultimately, I can't give you any answers-- even though I'm also an ace asian my experiences are very different from yours. I do think many asian cultures (at least east asian, which i am) have shame-related thoughts around sexuality, but there's also a weird undercurrent of hypersexuality as well-- like pressurized steam shooting out of the crack of a sealed container. I went through quite a hypersexual era in my teens and early 20s bc I needed the unhealthy validation and ended up hurting myself A LOT bc I didn't know I was ace. I won't go into it too much, but it was rough and I was really pulled into the exotification of east asian women by U.S culture (also didn't realize i wasn't 100% woman back then either so you can IMAGINE the negative impact it had on me)

But I will say that what you're experiencing-- and what I wrote into Dom-- is something called Lithosexuality, or "Stone" sexuality. In the lesbian community specifically, it's very often associated with the Stone Butch identity, and is an identity that I would also call a "service top." There's a lot of weird pushback against lithosexuality in the wlw community-- along with their counterparts, either High Femmes or the "notorious" Pillow Princesses-- and like honestly I don't get it. People are picky and clique-y about the most specific shit.

This might sound weird, but I actually really wanted to portray a healthy litho top in Dom, like someone who really thrives with a partner who doesn't force her to be pleasured. And that's the thing, is litho came about in the first place because of things like ace/sexual relationships, or trans people with really bad body dysphoria, or like... ANYTHING. It's a valid existence and it's actually really fulfilling for some people!! Sex is weird, it's not straight-forward, and you don't have to tick every box.

Yeah there are a lot of reasons it might have happened, but I also truly honestly believe it doesn't NEED to be psychoanalyzed. So while I can't tell you what's causing your gravitation towards it, I WILL tell you that it's okay. It's fine. If you change your mind in the future that's fine too. But if it feels comfortable and right in this moment I really think there's nothing wrong with it, and nothing wrong with you

#sexuality help #text heavy

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caffeineandsociety · 3 months

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The thing that gets me about the way trans men are treated on an intracommunity basis is "well, WE (non-transmascs, mostly cis people, I specify because I will NOT have you pinning this primarily on trans women) keep coming up with theories that include you but you just keep saying they're not good enough! How long until You People are satisfied!?"

And like...think about it. In the spaces that tend to do this the most-

We don't declare that the only theory about lesbians that could ever be valid is written by gay men.

We don't declare that Asian trans women have the final say about transmisogynoir.

We, thankfully, acknowledge that queer cis women had more of a role in the AIDS crisis, and were impacted by it more directly, than history books that want to memoryhole the whole thing will admit, but we don't pretend that they are THE authority on what it was like to be a gay man in the 80s.

We don't say that trans women have the most knowledgeable authority on abortion rights.

We don't say that butch lesbians are the ultimate authority on the bear community's history and values.

We don't declare damned near ANY other group to need to have theory about their own lived experience signed off on by someone else, let alone written from scratch without consulting them.

Yes, of course, there are...a handful of people who take these attitudes - and far more for that first one outside of the circles I'm talking about, let me not sound like I'm trying to deny that - but here in the specific queer circles I'm talking about, the Deep Theory Center, the deconstruction crew, the ones who broadly align with queer intersectional feminism - tend to agree that no theory about any queer subgroup is complete without first and foremost centering the lived experience of that group.

But...not trans men. We need to just sit down and shut up and let people TELL us what our lives are like, because we CLEARLY can't be trusted to know.

Which, hmm, feels really familiar to me for some reason....

Like, if I were allowed to say, I'd say it feels really similar to what I experienced growing up being expected to be a girl - sit down, be quiet, be a good girl, the grown-ups are talking, we're talking about REAL issues right now.

But that can't be right! That's not what non-transmascs' theory says! Right?

Surely, I'm imagining things. I'm overreacting to nothing. I'm crazy like your ex-girlfriend. I'm just being, you might say, hysterical.

But it just feels so familiar for SOME reason....

Well, golly gee, I sure do hope some big strong SMART person comes along and tells me what it is, because I clearly can't be trusted to be accurate about ANYTHING I say about my own life, now can I? 🥺 Surely, you shouldn't trust me to have a bank account or vote or drive either, I am too naive to the ways of the world and it's just incurable 🥺 I'm sure I've never heard those claims before for other reasons, I'm sure I'm just imagining things...🥺

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monochromeheartbeat · 8 months

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what do you think about the autistic brittany headcanon?

I think this is something that deserves a lot of thought and reflection, and I’m honestly not certain I have the best answer to it. Under the cut cause it gets long:

As an individual, I’ve had a pretty traumatic upbringing — one that at a very young age put me in a very untrusting dynamic with therapy that I won’t get into because it’s sad. And then my relationship with my adoptive mom was strained because she was studying psychology and did that thing you’re not supposed to do, which is to diagnose those close to you. With everything, founded or unfounded, based on a lot of struggles I was navigating balancing this growing up too fast and out of my control with desperately wanting to just be a kid, you know? And the support just. It didn’t exist for me in the way that was what I needed. Which was kindness and gentleness and patience.

So I have a hard time with the idea of head canons in general. I have a personal disdain for when people project their ideas of what they think of me onto me. It’s why I struggle with labels. I’m already a minority in so many ways — an orphan, adopted, mix-raced, Asian-American, 1st generation, unstable home, trauma/abuse, etc, etc. Discovering (through this particular fandom) that I was queer, I was like. Great, another box! (it's honestly okay - great even - now, but I was so afraid of losing what little I had when I realized it)

Don’t get me wrong, I believe mental health is SO important. I think I'm using mental health as an umbrella term here to include just general psychology terms, as I think autism is a learning/social disorder, not necessarily a mental health one. Idk, I'm really lacking in knowledge here. Still, diagnoses help with getting treatment or routines created and can really help improve quality of life. But autism specifically sounds like such a difficult thing to navigate, because autism is one of those diagnoses that can really restrict your personal freedoms because of prejudice against it (like whether or not you can gain citizenship in other countries). So I understand why a lot of people turn to self-diagnosis as an alternative.

But from my experiences with childhood, I am torn between having seen my parental figure diagnose me in an unprofessional capacity (and therefore concerns around self-diagnosis) and professionals harm me with good intentions but lack of care or tact when dealing with a child (thus a personal distrust of therapists that yes, I've worked on somewhat, and yes, I know better to ask for what I need than wait to be told).

The short of it is… I don’t think I’m qualified to tell you if this fictional character is autistic. I don’t know a lot about autism. I love that people identify with their favorite characters, and I think if that’s how you relate to that character, it’s a wonderful and special relationship you have with them. I think if she is autistic, she suffered in the sense that… canonically, Brittany never got the support from adult characters in the show other characters got. No one took her needs seriously. I didn’t really watch the season her parents were introduced (and I won’t get into my feelings about having been raised not being told I was Asian until later in life, the racism I experienced and didn't even understand, and how I feel in regards to the casting of Pierce Pierce), but from what I did watch and remember, her only support was really, truly, Santana.

I love that Santana was her support system. I hate that she didn’t get explored with the depth and care other characters got. I hate that she was the butt of so many jokes. Yet, I loved Hemo for being so good at being so funny anyway. And I don’t know if we have enough information about her to determine if she was or wasn’t autistic. And I’m sorry I’m not more knowledgeable about autism in general. I know that it’s a more common topic of discussion than it was when I was more socially engaged on the internet a decade ago. My coworker talks to me often about his experiences, which is the only true source I have for autism information, but he's a new friend and I'm still learning a lot. But I hope I’ve answered this with as much respect and sensitivity as I can, because I don’t want to perpetuate any harm to a community that experiences a lot of stereotypes and misinformation.

#heebeeasks #anonymous #under the cut

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decaffeinatedparadisemaker · 1 year

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2022 Year in Review

Tagged by @kitausuret hiiiii kita <3

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 8, 2 of which are in-progress

2. Word count this year: 81,374

3. Fandoms I wrote for: MCU, Spider-Man (comics, Webb, Raimi), Spider-Gwen

4. Pairings: Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Peter Parker/Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker/Michelle Jones, Michelle Jones/Gwen Stacy, Jian Mei/Peter Parker

5. Stories with the most... Kudos: Long Road Home - 24 Bookmarks: Long Road Home - 3 Comment Threads: Long Road Home - 15 Complicate Me, Elevate Me (Symbiot3) - 8 Word Count: Long Road Home - 38,375

6. Work I'm most proud of... Amazing Jian Mei, hands down, no contest. I have never seen any take on a Chinese MJ Watson, or an Asian MJ Watson outside of Meera Jain, who hasn’t had a lot of page time and has had zero screen time (a travesty). So, I rolled up my sleeves and tackled it myself, and I’m doing my absolute best to represent Chinese and Asian culture and traditions and everything and still make her MJ Watson, and y’know what? I kinda like what I’ve done. And her story is just beginning! Please please please I am begging you please read it and comment and recomm to others; I really really really want more people to understand appreciate Chinese culture outside of the usual food

7. Work I'm least proud of: Probably Unfamiliar & Unknown, but only because I’m stuck tbh hahaha

8. A favorite review I received: Honestly, anytime I see a comment on Amazing Jian Mei I die of love, but if I had to pick a few (no way can I just pick one):

@weoffendedshadows ‘s comment on Chapter 1:

As promised - there is something amazing about seeing a character whom I have built up an image in my mind, of how they look, act, and just generally exist, and then is challenged so thoroughly and deeply that i can't help but look and see the same character in a new light. This is MJ, the same one I've been reading for years now, and I am loving how that same personality shows up here.

I also love the importance of culture within this story, how MJ struggles with the new world she finds herself in, while holding onto what is herself. I'm looking forward to seeing Peter here.

- Honestly after I had posted the first chapter I was so petrified that people would hate the idea of a Chinese MJ Watson, and to see this comment gave me so much encouragement and justified my decision to put this out. Because writing AJM isn’t pulled out from nowhere; I’m ethnically Chinese myself, and almost everything culture-specific is something I either experienced myself or something that I personally know has.

Em jeet ‘s comment on Chapter 6:

Oooh MJ got a lil spicy in this chapter! I adore the way you write her btw. She’s so perfectly wonderfully in character while also being Chinese. Idk, it’s just nice to see you let her be both, because some people can only manage one or the other.

Good lord, but the tension building (in her head) between her and Peter is fantastic. I hope to get a confession— Spider-Man or otherwise— at some point

- Em has been one of my more consistent commentators, but if I had to pick one this is it. The balance between being Chinese and being recognizably MJ Watson is, well, something I had dearly hoped I hit, and to see someone recognize my efforts? No words

@kitausuret ‘s comment on Chapter 7:

WHEW finally I made it to the last of the updates!

Oh! I forgot to mention earlier I think it's interesting that Liz is a journalist in your universe! I wonder if she's ever worked with Betty, or Robbie, or anyone kind of adjacent to the Bugle fam like Ben Urich. Fascinating stuff!

I like the conversation between May and Mei, it's so good. May knowing Peter's secret identity is also kind of a neat development here, but at least it sounds like here she didn't discover her nephew was Spider-Man because he was collapsed half-dead in her home. Little things~!

Aaaaaand of course, gotta love that little bit of tension between Peter and Mei. It's fate. ;)

Oh, one more thing: what inspired you to have Mei pursue medicine, out of curiosity? I really liked in 616 how MJ started pursuing a psychology degree so that's what I immediately thought of, but I love learning where people pull inspiration from. 💖

- @kitausuret is completely unhinged because of Mei, but this comment dug deeply to me, because she picked up something so important - the medicine thing, which is an important cultural discussion. I am so, so, so glad she picked up on how important this was to me <3

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: It generally is hard because I think the fandom is dry right now, but two periods in particular tested me: the first is right now with regard specifically to Unfamiliar and Unknown, simply because I find writing a Far From Home adaptation Very Hard. The second was when I was writing that certain scene in Chapter 3 of Amazing Jian Mei - you’ll understand what scene I refer to if/when you read it (although I will not judge you if you wish to skip it), but I literally cried while writing it and was crying myself to sleep that night.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: Hmm not sure. I’ll have to think about this one.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: I’m not sure I can call it my absolute favorite, but this scene from Chapter 1 of Amazing Jian Mei is definitely up there:

Mei blinked and focused on the screen, where, truth be told, she had the fewest requests from Rainbow’s list of models. Part of it was undoubtedly because she was new, but… “I do not understand what that has to do with my name.”

Andy grimaced, looking visibly uncomfortable. “Mei, in my years working, I’ve noticed that models with more, uh, Western names, tend to get more bookings. It’s why I changed my stage name myself; my real surname is Karim. I’m an American citizen, was born and raised here, and Andrew Joseph are my real given names, but for a while it was difficult for me to find bookings with an Arabic surname, so I picked O’Conner from a phone book. In the same way, Jian Mei is an obviously Chinese name, so…” he spread his hands helplessly. “I don’t like it either, Mei, but it’s an option I recommend.”

Mei nodded. “Dawn told me something similar, but she only said it was because she was tired of people mispronouncing her name.”

Andy nodded. “She chose Dawn from her surname.”

Mei raised both eyebrows. The surname 萧 had absolutely nothing to do with the word “dawn”, but thinking about it, she realized that the almost identically-pronounced 晓 (minus the vastly different intonation, which any Chinese speaker would immediately pinpoint, but which most non-speakers would probably hardly notice) translated to Dawn. So… “What if I make a stage name similar to mine?”

Andy nodded. “Most non-speakers would butcher your name into Jane May, which is a start.”

Mei thought about it. “Is that a good name?”

Andy rubbed his chin in thought. “It’s just, they’re both first names, and they’re not so catchy.”

“How about May first? It is the correct pronunciation of my real name anyway.”

“Hmm,” Andy was visibly perking up, and looking intensely at Mei (which gaze, however, she didn’t mind; unlike the other gazes she was used to, Andy’s was pure thought and focus and creativity). “May Jane, May Jane. It’s still a little softer than I’m used to, but-ah!” A snap of the fingers. “How do you feel about Mary?”

Mei thought about it. “Mary Jane is not so far from May Jane.”

“Mary Jane, Mary Jane, yes, I can see it.” Then she saw Andy realize something, as his shoulders slumped and his eyes defocused. “But that can’t be just it, because Mary Jane can also be slang for marijuana, and we don’t want your stage name to be immediately associated with, well, that.”

Mei sat back and pursed her lips. “How about if we add something to Mary Jane?”

Andy’s eyes refocused on her face. “Like a third name? Something Western? Yes, yes, that could work. Do you like anything?”

Mei slumped. This was hard; she didn’t know that many Western surnames that she liked. Chewing her lip, she looked around Andy’s office for inspiration, and finding none, thought about the contents of her bag-ah.

Mei smiled, and Andy immediately noticed.

“What is it?”

She reached into her bag, pulled out the book she had bought the previous week, and showed it to Andy, who tilted his head to one side in puzzlement. “The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes? Mary Jane Holmes?”

Still smiling, Mei shook her head. “I was actually thinking of Dr. Watson.”

Andy’s eyes lit up in excitement. “Yes, yes, yes, it’s excellent. Excellent! A good addition to our team.” Rapidly, Andy snatched back his laptop and started typing furiously, then hit the enter key and leaned back. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the newest model of Rainbow International, miss Mary Jane Watson.”

Letting a grin spread across her face to match the one on Andy’s, and feeling a surge of confidence and adventurousness, Mei stood up and reached a hand across the table. “You can also call me MJ.”

12. How did you grow as a writer this year: I started writing. I have never written anything before, except for the usual creative writing classes way back in high school and college, which were all more than a decade in the past.

13. How do you hope to grow next year: If I can continue bringing Mei to the page that’ll be the greatest thing ever.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year: Too many to mention. Uhh. @seek--rest of course, @promiseofthepremise, @jenniboo311, @pepperminttegan @kitausuret @dyde21 @evil-pony @mysterycyclone @anarchyduck @inkpenparker @weezly14 @demigod-of-the-agni GOD I AM FORGETTING SOMEONE I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY PLEASE LMK I WILL ADD YOU HERE I’M SORRY

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: Like I said. Everything culture-specific in Amazing Jian Mei either came from my personal experience, or from something experienced by someone I personally know

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: Just write. I know how scary it is. But I promise you, there will be that one person who reads it and loves it and tells you that they love it, and you’ll fall in love.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I’m looking forward to continuing Amazing Jian Mei (not sure so much about finishing, but definitely continuing). Plus another couple ideas marinating.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read: I think everyone I tagged has already answered this but again if I forgot to tag you as a positive influence please don’t pitchfork me I am sorry again

And before I forget:

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR BELOVED @seek--rest !!!!!

#I'm a writer!

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symptoms-syndrome · 2 years

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In better news I had my second drag performance, I think I did okay (and I got a lot of cheering, noticably more than a few other performers oop, plus I made a fair chunk of change) but the next day I felt like death. I also missed my meds tho so that may also contribute.

I feel like. There's a lot of reasons. I feel embarrassed afterwards bc it's smth I'm new at. Almost everyone else there was white and that felt really awkward. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about being seen as an entertainer and as a sexual being that intersect with a lot of my other identities and experiences. Obvi I'm CHOOSING to be cute n sexy and that's my prerogative but also I'm like. Very hyperaware that my choosing to be seen as sexy will always be overlayed with my Asian identity that's already sexualized by default. Plus I have a whole Complex about being seen as exclusively sexual. IDK. My next performance late next month I have a number planned that will be easier but is definitely more sex-heavy. I'm also unsure of how I'm perceived in that space and what they'll think of me bc of some specific things in that performance. I think in general I just feel really weird and uncomfortable around queer people my age because I think we have really different experiences that often lead to very different opinions. I feel very judged by a lot of queer people my age in a way I don't when I'm around older queer people. I'm in general more experienced being around older queer people.

The Asian thing...is hard. Being Asian and in drag is hard. There's not a lot of us, makeup is super different, I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. And I don't really have anyone to really talk to about it. I have drag friends but none of them are Asian. I'm convincing one of my Asian friends to be a drag king though! They saw how fun and welcoming the scene is and were really inspired by me they said. Which is cool!

It's not like I'm not used to being the first/only [identity] person in the space. I've historically had to pave my own path with a lot of this stuff. It's just sort of exhausting, and I'm very very aware that it's not this hard for everyone else who's paths have already been paved for them.

Next month I have my final bottom surgery stage which will do me good. I also move into my bigger room and the shitty roommates will be out. And October my best friend is visiting. Lots of good things in the near future that I think will pull me out of this rut.

#surgery tw

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sspedrocalungsodandpiergiorgio · 14 days

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The AforePromised Biracial Rant

I was explaining something of my lived experiences this past weekend to a friend, and to do so I used the Bolivian philosopher Rivera Cusicanqui's concept of ch'ixi from her article "Ch'ixinakax utxiwa", which she uses to describe the mestiza lived experience, where somethine(or one) is composed of two opposites combined that retain their original identities, yet still produce a new third thing, like a heathered gray farbic made from black and white thread.

Anyway, I resonate deeply with this concept, as I have always felt like an unsatisfactory third thing amongst groups of people I am in. (Ch'ixi does not carry a conotation of being unsatisfactory). To illustrate this, I brought up being mixed-race. I thought it would be the easiest to understand example, and it is the way Rivera Cusicanqui mainly applies it herself.

I explained that I am almost always mistreated racially by those who find out I am mixed, reagardless of the other's race. Until this year, I had not experienced non-family members treating the racial aspect of myself well.

Most everyone tells me I am not mixed enough to count as mixed. White people then continue from that point to bringing up an increased amount of specifically anti-Asian sentiments in my presence. POC quiz me to see if I actually count, then make jokes about how I count honorarily. Other mixed people are the only ones who have specifically told me "They hate people like me." They say the quiet part out loud.

After describing this to my friend, she then asked "But is that only a few people, and you're making it a bigger deal then it is?" I wrapped up what I had been saying fairly quickly after that. I was shocked and disappointed. My initial response to someone sharing their lived experience is belief until proven otherwise; an oft-repeated phrase in the circles I'm in is that you should share your testimony because you can't deny the facts of someone's life. I guess I learned then that you can.

Of course not everyone is as forward with how they view me, but I've learned the signs- the subtle side looks, the false smiles, the uptick in tone. And of course not everyone is out to get me; I don't believe that and never have. But, it's alright to realize that this aspect of myself is often received unwell.

I guess I'm just confused why she would, instead of responding with empathy and compassion, respond with incredulity and dismissal. Why could I not be met with even curiosity?

I refuse to molehill my mountains, and I refuse to hide who I am for others' convenience. I am too good and have too much too offer. I can be of service and love others by being myself. And that I will do.

But I am still befuddled and counfounded by those who seem to discount racial or other contentious topics from being actual issues when they come from the "wrong" people.

This is the begining of some essay I'll probably write at some point-everything is. I don't know what coems forth from this, but whatever gushes out will be here. I obviously use Tumblr as a personal-impersonal diary. It's easier to write knowing it will be seen. I think I'll stop tagging my more personal posts probably- these are just for you guys.

I have many, many thoughts about race, and I don't know if I can outrun them, so I'll be on here again and again. Thanks for reading.

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mangodestroyer · 3 months

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Might sound dumb, but for the longest time, I was seriously struggling to immerse myself in media. I just could NOT get myself comfortable enough to do so. Specifically, this is something that happened when I started college for the first time, while dating my ex/after breaking up with them, and working a job. I think this is because I started experiencing much harsher scrutiny over various aspects of my personality and interests (I've been training myself to stop caring). Lots of unresolved trauma came to the surface and hit me right in the face. And that led to lots of insecurity, which attracts a certain kind of person into your life if it's bad enough.

Anyway, I've been doing more to indulge in media. Even read a fanfiction yesterday that was longer than 10k words (as someone who will rarely even touch one-shots lately).

I kind of forgot how... amazing that escapism is. Reality sucks. My life kind of sucks too. Adulthood sucks. Adulthood especially sucks if you're gen Z. Late stage capitalism is getting so bad and we kind of don't stand a chance. And also, I have tons of personal problems that make everything so much worse. Basically, I grew up being told that adulthood sucks and is lots of work, but that you also get a house, a family, a loving partner, and some freedom in return for that hard work. I don't want a family, and I'm not sure the house thing will happen. I guess I have some freedoms? I mean, being able to eat Asian food whenever I want is a privilege I won't easily give up. But, I mean, I really do want the loving, healthy partner (I think about it sometimes and I hate it because I don't technically need one, it's just my biology making me want one). Also, no one told me that friends are difficult to make as an adult. It's partly because some people I knew growing up are too busy with their serious relationships. And some people I meet already have families and no time on their hands. So that unfortunately causes me to want a life partner even more. And yeah, I'm not sure I can call myself "attractive." I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with how I look (I would say I've started looking much more appealing in my mid 20's than I was as a younger adult), but I'm not "attracting" anyone. Hell, my ex didn't even seem that serious about me in hindsight and wasn't even interested in kissing me. Not even after two years. Which is... ouch!

So yeah, that sucks. Oh, well. At least I'm starting to immerse myself into fanfiction again. Seriously, it's such a great way to "experience" certain life experiences that you just aren't getting irl. I mean, you can be whatever or whoever you want. You can just pretend to be some super attractive guy, dating another super attractive individual. The chemistry will just magically work. Ofc they're crazy about you! Ofc they're going to kiss you at some point! You'll probably even go on some wild adventures with them in some fantasy setting, or you're just lucky and living an exciting life in a more mundane setting.

It was kind of making me sad sometimes, reading such indulgent stories like that. All I could think was "this isn't real, it won't happen for me." Now... it's just starting to make me happy again. I can just get immersed in the story and not care if it's not real. I mean, seriously. I can't just focus on the depressing shit happening in my life all the time. It's hard, but I can't even do much to fix it and it's nice to be able to escape from it now and then.

Maybe it has to do with getting more vitamin C. I had this gut feeling for a while that I needed vitamin C. I was craving juice and fruit. Now I started consuming things with lots of vitamin C and I'm starting to feel better? More emotionally regulated? More energetic with less brain fog? And an increased appetite? Stress was causing me to eat tons of junk food. I would sometimes eat to the point of getting sick. My stomach has been struggling for a while because the large amounts of unhealthy food were causing inflammation. My gut health has been improving over the past few months (started eating other things too, like more garlic and fermented foods). I'm dealing with much less bloating now. I'm starting to think bad gut health can be a huge factor in depression.

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indielowercase · 3 months

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white trans woman refusing to discuss the nuance of race. being a white woman means they still have privilege over even cis black men and other men of color. when they refuse to consider that in these conversations that thats racism. openly talking about how they hate all men including other queer men/masc folks, men of color, disabled men all men who face bigotry at the hands of society makes them a bigot

being trans doesnt erase their whiteness and the only people i see using tme/tma have been racist white trans people funny how the trans women of color i know never use those terms and how its extremely common that those terms are used to harm and harass trans masc/men especially those who are not white and how trans men and yes even cis men still face misogyny at the hands of society. it goes hand in hand with homophobia. the tme/tma binary is also transphobic to people who are intersex and non binary

transmisogyny exists and is terrible and the solution isnt being horrible to other trans people who have different experiences cause again thats a very white and usually american way of thinking cause god forbid other cultures and how they deal with things exist

ok i'm back from sleep and work

so this is opinion, not proof. you haven't given me anything i could use to confirm this for myself. while i understand why you'd want to send these on anon, all that together makes me considerably less likely to take you on your word.

with just the info provided and gleaning from conversations i've read, it sounds like you're discussing her individual privilege over another individual in discussion on tumblr. this doesn't tell me anything about the actual interaction. saying a white trans woman has privilege over a black cis man is uhhhhhhhh questionable at best we'll say. she may have been racist, the other party may have been misogynist towards her. neither may have happened and one, the other, or both could have just been assholes. i have no idea.

your personal interactions with people aren't the only ones that happen, online or otherwise. i've seen very thoughtful discussions of tme/tma as tools in certain contexts to discuss structural (not individual) oppression of trans women that doesn't happen on a larger scale or systemically to people who are not trans women. then again i've seen it listed alongside other identity markers in people's bios (always tme not tma tho), which makes me feel weird because it's like saying "antiblackness exempt" instead of your race so like there's that. it's useful as a description of transmisogyny specifically but not as like an identity category that's fucking weird but that's also not how i've seen it used the majority of the time (this may be a personal experience difference between us)

i haven't seen it used as a cudgel against trans men. i have seen trans men use it in discussion while trying to claim transmisogyny effects them too (always within the context of discussion of transmisandry) which is something i don't understand at all. i'm a trans man in a pink collar job and while the pay gap for a man working in elementary education (me) or as a nurse (not me) effects any man working in that field, i think it would be weird and inaccurate to say we experience misogyny because of that. this sounds nitpicky but being effected by it vs being the target/experiencing a particular bigotry or structural bias feels like an important distinction to me. the structural forces of bigotry are used as a method of social control, yes, much like homophobia and racism. it's a tool used to make sure "we" aren't too much like "them" because being "them" is bad (because we treat them badly and also their identity category is incapable of doing anything outside of what we prescribe to it.)

or, put another way, white people aren't structurally effected by anti-asian racism because kids at comedian john mulaney's elementary school were racist to him because they thought he looked asian.

nothing here aligns with any terf ideas. someone saying they hate men does not a terf make. if you mean gender essentialist please say so instead.

i would like to say, you're damn right the solution isn't to be horrible to other trans people.

#anon #sorry for bringing up john mulaney that just felt succinct #pretty much all online hate i've gotten for being trans has assumed i'm a trans woman and immediately brought up my hypothetical genitals #that does not mean i have ongoing structural experience of transmisogyny #really not sure what to do with that last part those seem like broader ideas that need more space than we might have in this ask discussion

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celestialpotat0 · 7 months

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Oct-Nov up until thanksgiving will be a time to focus on appreciating the good in the mundane, as I am not taking any pto throughout this time. in a span of 8 weeks, there are only 3 instances during this time when i have two consecutive days off.

had received two handmade necklaces from patient's family, before he had transitioned to hospice. back when there was still the hope and the fight. i wont go into details, but eventually cancer hadn't responded fully to chemo and wouldn't have been able to tolerate the required chemo and wasn't a candidate for another stem cell transplant, plan shifted to focus on comfort care. after that, i trained myself/mentally prepared for when my patient would pass away. the only way to get through this job is to desensitize oneself. can't let it affect you, can't think about it too deeply, have to push away thoughts and emotions. otherwise, if i really allow myself to feel the pain of every single person's death, i would be in deep grief and depression.

but i clasp tightly onto the necklaces, determined to remind myself to appreciate my chance to live. life is extremely unfair. and i happen to be so lucky. there is grief when i look at and hold the necklaces, but there is also beauty in their gift. that a family who experienced so much sadness would still take the time to brighten the lives of others, and their gift improves me and my life.

in washington, while my friends were indoors, i stayed outside and danced with my friend's aunts, uncles, cousins, parents. they were dancing to latin bangers and that's where i wanted to be. it's true the best things in life are free. i loved connecting to others via music and movement. the sheer joy of simply moving to latin music was an opportunity to embrace connecting to strangers. indoors, they were connecting via conversation, which is totally valid as well. but at that particular time, i preferred dance and music as my means to find our common humanity.

it brought back memories of my 20s in LA when a number of my Mexican friends would have parties. we'd stand in circles in their backyards and blast music and we'd just dance the entire time, and there was always Latin music (interspersed with hip hop and 80s). those were some of my best memories of my 20s because we all loved to dance and sing along and live in the music. then there i was in 2023 dancing to some of the same songs except this time in a different state with strangers who were mostly Ecuadorean (among other Latin American countries of origin) instead of my Mexican friends from LA. yet no matter where we are from, the shared joy from dancing can bring us together. also, specifically in your friend's backyard, everyone there is someone you can trust and feel safe with, not necessarily true in a club.

saw a garter snake on a hike. they're very common and i've seen them before, but i always treasure seeing wildlife that i dont get to see everyday. guided tour in the Museum of Flight was another memorable point.

Angel Island was amazing and it was moving to be in the same place where the Chinese Exclusion Act was enforced and played a major role in the Asian experience there. i was inspired by the Chinese immigrants who endured so much there and the myriad of emotions they must've felt arriving there. the racism they had to face. segregation, interrogation, deplorable conditions. ill have to write another time about when i witnessed racism affecting my dad.

learned to play bocce for the first time on saturday night, my friend has a bocce court where he lives. hooray for learning new fun games.

little moments of summer that i appreciated: sipping on gin and tonic assembled at home by the pool with no plans for a few hours in the early evening. feeling myself getting stronger in regards to workouts. barbecues, craft cocktail fairs, dinners, walks with good company. the peace and quiet of having respectful neighbors and being able to sleep for 10+ hours a day on some days.

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asteroshearts · 3 years

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Levi as Asian Dad Things

or just Dad!Levi things in a Modern!AU

If your kids mention that they like this one food item at the store, boom, the next time Levi goes grocery shopping he's back with ten of them. It's how he shows his love.

["Hey, dad, do you need any help?"

"No."

Ten minutes later. "No one ever helps me in this damned house."]

He shows his affection by cutting fruit for his family. If you show interest in a fruit, he'll grab the knife and start peeling it for you immediately.

When he gets in an argument with someone in the household he lessens the heat by letting both parties cool down and he shows that he's open to talk by putting a plate of cut fruit in their room.

He takes one tiny bite of a dessert and immediately goes, "It's too sweet."

Alternative: You guys go to a restaurant and he turns to you and says he can make it better at home.

Uses "Have you eaten yet?" as a way to express his caring side.

Doesn't say "I love you" verbally, but he definitely shows it. Cleans your rooms (although he says that's more for him than for you) and he always gives his appreciative head pats. If they're off to college he checks up on them frequently, and when they come back home he makes their favorite food. He sends them off again with boxes of snacks.

Complains when you and your kids save a stray dog or cat off the street and bitches for a while but two weeks pass and they're inseparable.

"Look, [Name], a stray? I'm putting my foot down."

/Sighs/ "I know the kids are already attached, but pets are fucking filthy."

One week later: "I got the baby a stroller so they can go on long walks with us without getting their paws dirty. The pet store also had a sale on this dress that's for dogs and cats so I bought it. Why are you looking at me like that."

He even has a dedicated and meticulous showering/bathing routine for the pet.

["Paw."

Your pet lifts up a single paw and he carefully wipes down their toe beans with a towel.

"Other paw."]

When your kids are adults they still have problems trying to stand up to him.

But when he says "I'm proud of you," your heart and your kids' hearts would probably combust from the cuteness.

#levi x reader #levi headcanons #levi fanfiction #levi #levi ackerman #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #snk x reader #aot x reader #aot imagines #levi aot #aot #snk #is this a niche fic trope?#uh yea it is #but i have to compartmentalize all my thoughts somehow #not specifically asian!! but things I've personally experienced

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fereldanwench · 2 years

Text

This is something that's kind of been lingering in the back of my mind for a few months now, and I thought I had said my peace in private with friends, but some recent discussions have made me realize I still have some things to say. Maybe against my better judgment, I'm gonna say them here.

Broadly, this is about the way some topics in fandom are discussed in a way that can and often does lead to a lot of unnecessary divisions, bad faith misunderstandings, and punching sideways. Specifically, this is about how I have seen perfectly reasonable defenses of River turn into an opportunity to malign Goro and his fandom.

Unfortunately, I think River's implementation in Cyberpunk makes him prime for arguments and discourse. He is easy to miss as he's not really integrated into the main story, and some of his interactions can be heavily bugged. His romance can be very uncomfortable for female V players who aren't interested in him for whatever reason but can also be very sweet and rewarding for those who are. And he is temporarily a member of law enforcement while also being part of a minority group that is extremely susceptible to systemic violence at the hands of said law enforcement. This last fact in particular seems to be driving a lot of the current commentary.

I know for a lot of my fellow Americans in particular, we've been experiencing a mainstream cultural awakening over the past few years about the extensive abuse committed by cops, especially against people of color. In a lot of circles, "ACAB" is the kneejerk reaction to a lot of cops or anyone in any law enforcement field. It seems like a lot of players were also quick to ascribe ACAB to River, likely influenced, consciously or subconsciously, by current events.

Lately, I've been seeing posts and discussions about how that's not really accurate or fair to River or his overall character arc. And I actually agree with this. I do understand where that immediate ACAB response comes from and I think it's important to be sympathetic to why someone might go there first, but I also see River's story about the tragic futility of being a good person trying to reform a corrupt system from within. I think this is all good and interesting stuff to discuss, analyze, and challenge.

Where I start to see some red flags, however, is some side commentary that accompanies this discussion: what seems to follow is the implication that Goro and his fans are specifically the perpetrators of this problem, sometimes even going so far as to insinuate that we are actually "worse." (With the implication that we are therefore more worthy of anger and criticism? I don't know if that's actually the intent here, but it could be the impact.)

I got the impression early on that there might be some tension amongst Goro and River fans, and I suspect that maybe some hurt feelings indirectly or subconsciously contribute to these side comments. I believe Goro is a more popular character overall, I know a lot of Goro fans feel cheated that his romance was considered but deemed undoable due to dev hell and could be very vocal about how he'd be a better choice than River, and I know it's gotta suck to have your favorite reduced to the "only good for swaps" jokes. I don't want to undermine or invalidate anyone if these things have left a bad taste in your mouth.

But if we're having discussions about race/ethnicity, privilege, and being instruments of oppressive institutions with regards to these two characters, it's important to recognize that violent anti-Asian racism is also rampant, especially in America and in the wake of COVID. Although Goro is very popular on Tumblr, it is not uncommon to see him reduced to harmful Japanese stereotypes or dismissed as being a viable romance option simply because he's "old and Asian" in broader Cyberpunk communities. I think it's really important we don't pit two non-white characters and their diverse fandoms against each other.

I've also seen the suggestion that Goro's role as a personal corporate bodyguard gives him the same institutional power as a cop or detective. I don't want to delve into this argument too much here because I think it requires filling in a lot of blanks from the text that could potentially distract from my main point here, but in general: I would say that while bodyguards and cops have some similarities, institutionally, they are not the same. I think it's reasonable to assume that Goro has a somewhat comfortable life, at least in terms of things like financial stability, but his role is to protect one person. It's not to enforce a (questionable) system of laws. If you think he's bad for protecting a bad, powerful man, that's fine, but his position doesn't have to be warped into something it's not just to fit another narrative.

Lastly, in the spirit of addressing misconceptions, in my experience, most Goro fans don't like Goro because they have some shallow, superficial love of corpos/corporations. Many recognize the tragedy of his devotion and obligation to Arasaka. Some even put a lot of focus on fanworks to free him from that burden. I think a lot of us can also personally identify with the struggle of feeling like we have no choice but to turn to shitty institutions in order to survive, and Goro's story speaks to that. And, while we never see Goro outright condemn Arasaka, I also firmly believe that befriending him and taking the Devil ending demonstrates that he has very reasonable doubts about his role in the company and with the family. (And if you prefer word-of-god, his writer says as much, too.)

tl;dr: Defend and love your blorbos, call out racism in fandom, correct prevalent misconceptions, and have good analytical conversations, but remember you don't have to do it at the expense of another character or their fandom.

#hmmmmmmm not putting these in the main tags #already feel a little dfjhgfjdg about posting this but idk i feel like it needs to be said #at the very least i wanted to get it off my chest #c: goro takemura #c: river ward #g: cyberpunk 2077 #meta: cyberpunk 2077

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