#not fun dflkgjh

[strawbebyjam]

was gonna cry before my next class but then my cousin showed up on the balcony (that i did not know existed outside our room's window) and said hi (did not know people could see inside...) so that's cancelled

#anyways hello !!! hi !!!!! i have been so behind on assignments and i got food poisoning and i'm constantly nauseous and i hate myself!!!! #i wasn't feeling super horrible but academics are just #catching up to me #i can't do it dfklgh i can't do it at all #not here #i get tired at like. 4:30pm. my classes start at 7:00pm and end at 2:30am. so yea #things are going wonderfully #there's also random wasps in this room lol #it's just #a lot #not fun dflkgjh #not right now #everyone is being really nice #everyone is wonderful #but i don't belong here #or . anywhere but #especially not here #i can't. do it dflkgjh #i can't be any of what they want. #not 1% of the kid they want or need me to be #i need to. go do . an internship. far away. and. and. hide #from. everyone #just disappear #i'm so ashamed of myself dflkgjh #like... this is what i'm turning out to be huh? oh god #19!! woohoo!!!! i hate myself even more and on a deeper level!!!! i try to be kind to myself and fail because i cannot convince myself i de #and that is ! no one's fault but my own #i have so much and so many people have given me love and validation #and i'm just. ungrateful. lazy. stupid. ill-mannered. #just