#not even cus covid but how people suck a lot these days and idk if being inside helped or not lol

[hinabae]

so now that everyone’s allowed to get vaccinated, who else is facing some degree  of anxiety in how they’ll appear and act once they fully re-enter society cus i am quietly panicking ............... ok fr i am panicking and more unsure than ever 

#tbd. #idk how i feel honestly i legit have become somewhat of a recluse now #and i miss people and i don't // i miss company and yet i am wary of new people more so #not even cus covid but how people suck a lot these days and idk if being inside helped or not lol #i feel like i grew but i also did endure a bit of a setback #like even just as myself like WHAT MAKES ME ..... ME #esp when you take away writing and anything creative and the feelings im able to give people but unable to give myself #like even as far as interests go lol i am just ..... dead everywhere #little life in me / on cruise control / unsure how to get to that place where i know i'm me #anyway ...... i hope you guys are okay its been a month or two i realize ...... #pls continue to stay safe ....... #i miss writing and i always say that #i really do lol ugh

[jokeson-u]

i feel like talking about myself bc i do better coping and thinking when i have to articulate my thoughts and i dont feel comfortable enough about this stuff with my therapist or friends so ill do it here where no one will care lmao

drug, sex, depression tw under the cut

i gotta lot of things to say. idk where to start. i guess freshman year of college cus it was shitty. i was in a community college living at home and transporting to school by train. i went to each class maybe like 3 or 4 times and then just stopped showing up and instead. for some reason. decided to spend my days riding the trains or sneaking home to smoke (weed, i dont smoke tobacco and ill get to that later. actually i can just say that now i dont like cigarettes bc my parents chose buying cigs and alcohol over feeding me and my sisters when we were kids. also why i dont drink.) so i dropped probably at least a solid $500 that semester on food and ubers (train was free with the student card) and weed (actually no i just took all my bud from my dad so). i was severely depressed and just dug myself further into that hole by not going to class because no way could i tell my parents. then i like ??? idk had this dude over my house and stuff happened and i felt rly shitty afterwards and didnt rly know how to tell anyone. then later later my ex bf texted me cus he was sad and i had visited him the month prior and we had sex and it was not good. like i felt safe with him, ive known him since i was 13 nd we’ve been friends since then too, but he was a shitty bf both times we dated (sophomore year and senior year) and like .. i dont regret sleeping with him, bc he is someone i trust despite or weird relationship to each other (like we text maybe once a month for a few mins to check in sometimes), but i also. idk. that was my first time and i think virginity is a social construct but at the same time i wish i had an enjoyable first time. like maybe i was ok with it then bc i was trying to overcompensate for my experience with that guy from earlier in the year and not feel so used bc i know my ex at least cared about me and he felt bad afterwards bc it obviously was weird but. idk. it was just a really horrible time like... i felt like i had no friends bc they all treated my shitty and where gone to school anyways. i had no one to talk to, or felt i didnt, and everytime i tried id get in trouble. like i felt so trapped and depressed and didnt know how to get out of it. i was in the negatives in my bank account and didnt know how to pay it all off. i was hanging out with/spending money on/smoking with people i didnt even like just so i wouldnt be alone. it was rly rly shitty and one of my lowest points. but at the end of the semester i told my mom the idea of going back to school made me miserable so i dropped out and started working for my cousin for a little bit. then i got really really sick and got diagnosed with crohns disease which sucked as it but then i spent my bday throwing up with a 103 fever and had to spend the following week in the hospital which also totally fucked me up bc i didnt eat for almost that whole week bc the staff wasnt giving me food i could eat despite me telling them over and over. plus it was during covid so i couldnt see anyone or have any physical contact and it was just horrible. but i couldnt smoke during my time in the hospital obviously so i had a tolerance break and it was kinda nice to smoke again after that but? i dont rly smoke much anymore, my friends are all gone, i have no space or time to anymore. my friend always says u cant be addicted to weed but that first semester i know it was a dependency issue and i was glad that im past that but sometimes i get worried i guess that im too dependent on stuff like. my carts (which techincally arent weed bc theyre delta 8 so its legal) and im spending way too much money on those now too and UGH i hate feeling like i cant control myself bc my parents addictions fucked me and my sisters up but this is different cus i dont have kids or ppl relying on me but it still scares me bc i dont even ever feel high anymore when i smoke (weed OR cart) but i do it anyways in hopes that ill feel SOMETHING again and its just a constant cycle. anyways then this year i started working part time and then full time which has been good. but now next month ill be out of the full time job and im stressed about that. ok thats all for now folks bye

#drug tw #Personal #capital P