#not because we would be emotionally upset but so we would take care of ourselves and be independent

[bird-inacage]

Only Friends: Can Ray be Redeemed? Is Sand the Solution?

I know Ray has upset a lot of people in Episode 8. I do find it really fascinating how quickly the tide has turned on him, especially when you compare his actions to those of our villains of the first arc: Boston and Top. Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I still choose to believe that Ray does care. He's hugely misguided but not heartless.

Let me firstly preface that none of what I'm about to say excuses Ray's behaviour but is an attempt to unpack why I still hold hope.

A child lost with no anchor

Ray is emotionally immature (which as cliché as it sounds, is a direct product of his upbringing - or lack thereof). He largely operates on basic needs, as a child would: 'I want. I need'. It's all based on serving the self. He seems wildly incapable of thinking very far beyond that. Like a child, he can barely take care of himself, let alone anyone else. He's pretty helpless on his own in a lot of respects. Most people grow out of this. Through knocks and hardship, we learn the world doesn't revolve around us and how to equip ourselves with healthy and appropriate means to navigate through life. Ray however, still seems to be stuck in his infantile box.

I often joke that Ray is a bit feral, but there is some truth to that. Ray's been left to his own devices for the majority of his life. So it's no surprise he's developed this 'me against the world' attitude which is volatile and defensive, but ultimately keeps him caged in said box.

These traits are abundantly apparent in his relationship with Mew. Ray is the vehicle for Mew's self-destruction, but all he sees is the exhilaration of having a 'partner in crime', someone to be in 'cahoots with'. Like a pair of naughty school kids getting into mischief, rather than an adult partnership. Ray is all about immediate gratification over long term fulfilment because (as children do), they don't possess the wisdom and experience to think ahead. Ray seems unable to grasp repercussions or consequences in his decision making. It's always act first, think second.

To put it simply, Ray hasn't been taught boundaries and how to respect them. He just gets criticised for crossing them which doesn’t help him learn. No one has had the patience to teach him why and how. To guide, to steer, to direct, to mentor. To educate rather than scold. Prevention rather than cure. As a result, everyone around Ray serves to clean up his messes rather than equip him with the ability to not create them in the first place. He falls into patterns of behaviour that no one has seriously attempted to break which has only amplified with adulthood. The longer those habits prevail, the harder they are to change.

Does Ray harbour ill-will or bad intent?

Is Ray the worst? In my opinion, no. (Not yet anyway - I might eat my words later, who knows). I've said this somewhere before but intent makes all the difference when judging someone's actions. Choosing to actively cause harm whilst being fully conscious of the impact versus triggering damage to occur as a symptom of your behaviour is vastly different. This is where Ray and Boston differ. Boston acts without remorse, he purposely and calculatingly makes choices that will cause the maximum degree of suffering. Whereas Ray's a loose cannon. He leaves a trail of destruction where he goes, due to a lack of control and means to channel how he feels in a constructive manner. Boston's victims are targets, whereas Ray's victims are collateral.

I don't think Ray means to purposely hurt or harm the people he cares about. Because in doing so, he'll push them away - which is precisely what he doesn't want. (Though saying that, Ray doesn't seem to give as much of a damn if it's people he isn't invested in, such as Top). Ray's world consists of what Ray needs. It's not that he doesn't care about a single person besides himself, he's just so wrapped up in his own needs to even gauge the bigger picture.

When others do point out to Ray that he's hurt them, he does tend to look guilty and taken aback, as if he's thinking, 'But I didn't know. No one told me. I had no idea my actions would cause you to be upset'. Painful levels of ignorance. But I also see a huge amount of internalised frustration. 'But why? Why didn't anyone explain this to me? How was I to know?'

Ray is capable of showing remorse, of displaying guilt. He's not cold-blooded. Anyone who can demonstrate compassion is capable of redemption. Ray is seen to be genuinely appreciative and grateful when people are good to him. He's fiercely protective over people he cares about. Ray was also willing to jump in when Sand gets a call from his mum being in trouble.

One thing I do have to stress is the difference in Ray's demeanour when he's severely drunk/high versus when he's sober. His addiction tends to amplify his most primal desires, his most 'childlike' traits. The uglier sides of Ray presented in their worst light, set to maximum. The raging tantrums, the absurd and unpredictable demands, an explosive and dangerous impulsiveness. People often refer to addiction as a form of sickness, which is worth noting when the person under scrutiny is effectively not well.

Learning by Example

Now let's talk about the huge importance of Sand in this equation.

Let me be clear - it's not Sand's responsibility to teach Ray how to grow up or behave more like a functioning adult. It's neither his duty to be a stand-in parent or caretaker. The unfortunate truth is that Ray doesn't have anyone in his life who plays that role. Who is the voice of reason. To keep him on the straight and narrow. In order to actually incite change, Ray needs to be receptive to whoever is trying to help him. We've seen he doesn't respond particularly well to the majority of people in his life. He's defensive with his father, his friends, deflective and pandering with Mew. The only person he's seen to show any signs of actually listening to and registering is Sand.

Whilst it's not fair on Sand, he might be the only person who has any real chance of encouraging healthy and positive growth in Ray. Because Sand loves Ray, he genuinely wants to see improvement for Ray's own good. I don't think it's a coincidence that we tend to see Ray's more endearing side when he's with Sand. His childlike qualities take on a sweeter, more harmless, playful tone.

He needs someone with an almost parental level of unconditional love to not give up on him, where others have thrown in the towel. Ray's character is essentially a personified cry for help. His mother was unable to cope. His father seems chronically exasperated and far too busy to actually be present. His friends have always seen him as bothersome and too much of a handful.

I personally don't want to write Ray off as a lost cause. Ironically, Sand may be the saviour he didn't ask for, but the one he really needs. Someone who can save him from himself.

#only friends #only friends the series #ofts #only friends meta #ray pakorn #ray x sand #sand x ray #raysan #sanray #khaofirst #firstkhao #khaotung thanawat #first kanaphan #ray is such a complex character that i could go on and on #khao just does such a great job of adding so many layers to him

[meowzfordayz]

when the war is over; will our ghosts dance together, or will we ourselves dance hand in hand

Tomioka Giyuu x Reader

Word Count: ~700

CW: canonical violence, death content, depression, implied self harm, PTSD, traumatic references

Emergency Request Fulfilled: I am, I’m just feeling tired my work is so draining emotionally, mentally, physically and I know I’m burnt out because I’m just apathetic. (...) I want someone to take care of me; like I took care of the people I used to know. I feel like I’m spent and I have nothing left to give. It’s so hard for me to make friends again because I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know how to carry on a conversation anymore, if it’s because I’m scared or what or if I’m tired and I know things are going to end soon. (...) I want to let out the frustrations on me instead of someone else… I’d rather be hurt instead.

I hope this makes sense..? I am feeling like this again and I’m just tired ya know. You can pair it with any character you like, it’s all free reign for you. A comfort angst I suppose.

He knows how you feel

Recognizes the glimmer of defeat

In your soft gaze, so intent on pressing into his chest

Defeat has an odd shine to it

A sense of finality, of strength, at the end of a

Sea of doubt, longing, emptiness accepted in place of

Warmth

Sometimes, he wishes he could ask you

“How are you feeling?”

Oftentimes, he’s afraid your reply will be

“Fine. And you?”

How is he supposed to answer such deflected pain?

How can he reveal his own lonesome while trying to fill yours?

Perhaps this is why they say

You must love yourself before loving

Others

You must look out for yourself before looking out to

The One

Recovery is a fickle creature

As numbing as it is freeing

As quiet as it is difficult to ignore

Screaming in one’s head day in, day out

Etched into one’s skin, the drag of a blade

The shiver of a downpour

Puddles of blood seeping into moistened ground

Why does rain so frequently shed itself on the battlefield?

But he can tell

The lingering taste of war, of death

Is not your sole accompaniment

You are similar, but not the same

Walking a pace a step faster than his, sunken in a different weight of anxiety

Of dread

As he is

He wants, craves, a connection with you

Fixing, helping, someone else

But how?

And what?

And why?

He’s never thought of himself as a savior

A victim, more like it

And is it truly so grand, so honorable, of him

To desire a caress with heroism for the sake of healing

Of selfishness

And not necessarily out of curiosity, compassion, for your haunted tremors

He still remembers the one time you came to him

Well, really, he was the only soul around

“Tomioka-san. How do you tolerate it?”

And he had frowned, unable to meet your shaken stare, blue eyes glazed from an evening of ash and maroon, sunrise an unwilling accomplice in fulfilling his duties

“I don’t,” he’d deadpanned, turning from your telltale scars, so similar

So different

From his

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

He wonders, too

Of course he does

Wonders what he would do if he ever caught you

Caught you in your act of hatred and denial

Physical rendition of the song that’s been on repeat in his head

Wonders if the lyrics are identical

Underlining his every thought, just as they overline your wrists

He likes to imagine he would comfort you

Would be able to tug you into his arm, cool and solid, unfaltering and steady

But he thinks, in fact, that he’d be angry

Upset

Disappointed

Arm crossed, tight, unwelcoming, as his demons fraternize with yours

Lips pursed in desperation

Come here, I promise I won’t hurt you

Stuck beneath loathing

“Do you miss them?” you murmur, village sprawling out below the damp, thatched roof

Stars twinkling, teasing, dancing among the slivers of cloud above

“I do,” Giyuu confesses, inhibitions low, fingers cold with grief, “I’m grateful for this new world, but I fear my existence ceased along with the old one.”

“Tomioka-san,” you smile faintly, “I’m glad you’re here.”

“We barely know each other,” he mutters

“And are we to blame?” you chuckle, the sound brittle and forced, “It’s always been safer for us.”

To not get attached

“I wish I knew how to live.”

Me too you almost admit, head drooping with fatigue, elbows propped on your knees, legs hugged to your sternum

“I wish I knew how to live for myself,” he clarifies Everyone that mattered is gone

Sleep claims your response, limbs gradually relaxing, the rough fabric of his haori tucked around your shoulders before he leaves

“How about this…”

You glance at him, hesitant

Hopeful

“I’ll care for you. You’ll care for me.”

“You don’t already?” you tease gently, giggling when his eyes widen with alarm

“I-”

“I’m teasing, Tomioka-san,” you quickly assure him, “I appreciate your company.”

“I would like to walk beside you.”

He is shy

Sweet

A realization that

This is what could have been

“Okay,” you nod slowly, “But my pace isn’t consistent.”

“That’s alright,” he shrugs, “As long as we keep walking.”

#giyuu tomioka #tomioka giyuu #giyuu x reader #tomioka x reader #water hashira #drabble #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer

[vampirezogar]

Gabriel Van Helsing and Count Vladislaus III Dracula were in love.

Van Helsing 2004

Look at my queer blorbos.

They definitely knew each other in the 1400's and probably fought in the same battles just going by what Dracula says about their shared past. They've likely discussed Gabriel's ptsd symptoms, since Dracula knows about his nightmares. But in the final battle, Dracula explains that the person who murdered him in 1462 was Gabriel himself. After his death, Dracula makes a covenant with the devil to give him new life, and instead of just killing him a second time, Gabriel takes Dracula's signet ring and conveniently has his memories erased, "as punishment for past sins," according to the cardinal.

Maybe Gabriel was just upset that he cursed the Valerious bloodline by accidentally creating a vampire out of Valerious the elder's son, so he took the ring as a memento. But why would the literal human incarnation of the archangel Gabriel, left hand of God, be struck with amnesia about if he was not particularly personally fucked up about it?

Also, does Dracula even know that he can only be killed by a werewolf? He keeps a cure for lycanthropy in his castle, but he is entirely unthreatened by Velkan Valerious' transformation into one, and that dude is sworn to defeat Dracula in order to let his entire ancestry into heaven. But when Dracula sees Gabriel transform? He's upset about it at first, saying, "this cannot be." But he quickly starts trying to get Gabriel on his side. "We are part of the same great game, Gabriel," he says. "We need not find ourselves on opposite sides of the board! You have been used, as have I. But I escaped, so can you! Don't you understand? We could be friends. Partners! Brothers in arms!"

If Dracula was keeping the cure as a safety measure, he would have dipped to go get it as soon as Gabriel's transformation began, unless of course the sight of his Hugh Jackman lookin amnesiac gay lover undergoing a painful physical transformation into a very large and sexy werewolf was emotionally effecting him.

His last words are, "don't be afraid, Gabriel. Don't be afraid. I shall give you back your life, your memory." Dracula isn't begging for his life. He's begging to have Gabriel back.

And why wouldn't he? His brides are effectively disposable to him. When the first of them, Marishka dies, he cries out her name dramatically, but tells the others not to worry because he can just replace her. Verona asks, "have you no heart?"

"No," he replies, "I have no heart. I feel no love, no joy, no sorrow. I am hollow." Then, for some reason, he adds, "and I will live... forever."

He doesn't care about them, and he knows he never will. They're as afraid of him as everyone else and he pleads with them not to be. They're not like him. They play at being alive still, but they're just... not. Igor and the Dwergi are the closest he has to actual companionship and they're, well, just kinda fucked up little guys? No, the best shot is animating his children who were born dead. Actually giving something life instead of killing them, like Victor Frankenstein did for his Monster. That's all he has left, it has to work.

Until he hears the steady heartbeat of a man who is not afraid of him. "Usually, when I approach, I can almost dance to the beat; strange that yours is so steady." But it isn't strange. It's familiar.

He knows Gabriel's heartbeat because Gabriel's heart knows him.

#van helsing 2004 #gabriel van helsing #vladislaus dracula #queer media analysis #lady gaga bad romance playing in the distance #lady gaga judas playing in the distance #they are like blorbos to me

[thinkpink212]

What are something you feel people need to learn to truly heal and evolve? I feel like I have been in some hellish loop that keeps bringing me back to the same emotionally taxing ways :(

There’s so much — but I hope some of these can help

☁️ Acknowledge that we as humans are all different, and that’s okay.

☁️ Forgive yourself how you’ve forgiven others or how you wish others would forgive you. And know that the apologies you may be waiting for, may never come. The villain in your story isn’t the villain in their own (and sometimes, even if that’s not true, people do not always care)

☁️ Rebuild trust and connection to yourself. Get to know yourself as a parent learns to know their child. What’s your favorite meal? What makes you sad? What makes you overwhelmingly happy? Where do you wish to go in life ?

☁️ Walk away when things get hard — life is hard but nothing should ever have you breaking parts of yourself in order for everything to fit into the picture.

☁️ Sometimes we cannot walk away, so instead, leave what you can and go to sleep. You’ll have tomorrow to try again

☁️ Make sure to eat enough, stay hydrated and get enough sleep — our bodies are simple machines that will start malfunctioning when somethings low. So stay on top of your needs, and avoid neglecting them!

☁️ Don’t take life too serious. This is more so a ‘enjoy the journey rather then focus on the end’ advice. This will also help you not get frustrated with those who take it too serious or don’t take it serious at all.

☁️ Begin to show gratitude towards yourself — you’ve made it this far, you managed to keep yourself alive and functioning as well as you could (and show gratitude to those who helped you along the way, even those who didn’t stick with you)

☁️ Know that whatever you do, or don’t do, is for you. Regardless of what that is, someone will almost always have an opinion, disagree or think they know better etc. So just do it! Focus on your path and lane and don’t let yourself be distracted from what you want to do — even if that thing already exists.

☁️ Healings a lifetime activity in my opinion, but it gets easier everyday if you allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest with yourself. This doesn’t mean the tears will hurt coming out the same as they have in the past, but when you cry 30-some years from now, it’ll be remembering how far you’ve got, possibly being upset at the times you failed yourself but hopefully, greatfull for the long way you’ve made it.

☁️ Learn to listen and hear people. Sometimes people tell us who they are, or who they want us to believe they are (and please do so)

☁️ Learn that not everybody’s advice is for everybody. Take what you need and leave the rest.

☁️ Learn to be bored and do nothing. Distracting ourselves from existence can lead to damaging habits. It’s okay to be bored and just sit there, and it’s okay to have random thoughts that pop up. Our brains a strange thing, so just let them happen and let them pass by like clouds.

☁️ Unlearn projecting and accept that others will project onto you.

☁️ Take life as it comes and do your best with what you have (and with where you are)

☁️ Forgive people (doesn’t have to be to them) for your own sanity. And if you don’t’ want to, then at least let it go as much as you can. You cannot heal if you’re carrying hurt everywhere you go, too stubborn, hurt or angry to let it go.

☁️ Try to stop being your story. What happened to you isn’t who you are. It was life happening, and now, you may be out of it or working towards it — be who you want to be. Make your own story and live it.

☁️ Some people are stuck in loops because they keep repeating the same mistakes. Acknowledge that you continue to do what you’ve always done, or that you’re trying to heal in the environment that made you need the healing. And sometimes, it’s a third option that is — perhaps your afraid of changing and growing. Sometimes change is scary, let yourself take the unknown path, and trust that it’ll lead to where you wish to be.

☁️ Try and see things on the upside and from a bigger perspective. Not everything has a rhyme or reason, if you don’t want them to. And oppositely, they can. One door closes and others will open so never take one defeat as the end of it all.

☁️ Embrace failure, because once you’ve failed you know what not to do when you try again, or try something new. We learn by doing and you’d never tell a child to give up on walking or speaking after their first failed attempt, would you now?

☁️ Lastly, know that old habits can take long to die. Take your time to unlearn, remind yourself why you want to learn new things/ways, and dedicate time to form new ones — even if it’s just 5 minutes a day. Know yourself enough to set routine (what works for you) and don’t let one missed day stop you for trying again.

Goodluck, you’ll get to where you need and want to be 🥂

#advice #anon #lifestyle #healing #thinkpink thoughts

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello! This ask might be a bit confusing but i’ll do my best to try to explain it

So, i’ve been doing therapy for around a year and a half. And i don’t keep much contact with my parents because of… reasons, but we talk occasionally for formalities. Anyways! both of my parents didn’t have an easy life and have some issues(?) because of it, however my father is extremely against therapy or mental health care claiming it is something for “weak minded/dramatic people” etc, my mother just kind of follows whatever my father says. We argued a lot due to that last month since they somehow found out that i had weekly sessions and controlled medicine, so i ended borderline begging my therapist and boss to be discharged even if there’s a strong recommendation for me not to (because i kind of need a “proof” that i’m stable in my line of work lol), i just felt so guilty for “not having as many problems” as what my parents have gone through and still going to therapy you know? I wasn’t able to be discharged but i unintentionally always try to please my father so what he says really gets to my head. I’m feeling awful, and somehow worse mentally

I’m so so sorry for the long ask, but i find your writing extremely comforting and would like your take on how saeyoung or saeran would deal with a mc in a situation like this? It’s also completely understandable if you don’t want to, feel free to delete this ask, thank you regardless!

Saeyoung is someone who has always struggled to admit he needs help. He puts the needs of his loved ones well before himself.

He wants them to be taken care of so he won't realize that he needs help until he's already way too deep in the throes of depression. He's still a work in progress as far as his mental health goes, but, in the sense that everybody is a work in progress, because we always have more to learn about ourselves and the world around us. 

In that sense, he is somebody who understands the feeling of ignoring your needs to make sure that everyone else is happy. Have you ever heard the saying that says that you need to put on your own mask before you help somebody else secure theirs? If you truly want to be able to take care of the people you love, you need to make sure that you are taken care of first. 

It's one of those lessons that's really hard to learn when you are a people pleaser. But at the end of the day, if you don't learn how to take care of yourself, you're never going to be able to take care of the people that are closest to you. You can't make everybody happy, sometimes you need to do things that are right for yourself.

Sure, it might upset somebody or disappoint them, but if it's what's right for you, then it's what's right for you. Don't let your parents hold you back or tell you that you're in the wrong for trying to help yourself emotionally. Saeyoung needs to learn that, too.

It's one of those lessons that's really hard to learn when you are a people pleaser. But at the end of the day, if you don't learn how to take care of yourself, you're never going to be able to take care of the people that are closest to you.

You can't make everybody happy, sometimes you need to do things that are right for yourself. Sure, it might upset somebody or disappoint them, but if it's what's right for you, then it's what's right for you. Don't let your parents hold you back or tell you that you're in the wrong for trying to help yourself emotionally. 

What would Saeyoung do if he knew about this?

He would tell you that you need to take care of yourself first, and you don't need to listen to anything your parents tell you to do if what they're saying is going to hinder your emotional growth. If you need to get away from them to take care of yourself, then you deserve to do that.

Sure, it may not be easy, but you deserve to have people who support you and your needs, not make you feel like you're doing the wrong thing to take care of yourself. He is your advocate and wants nothing more than to spoil you the way you deserve. 

"Starlight... You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, if you feel like you were hurt and you know you were hurt, then you were hurt. What you need in your life is people who want to protect your feelings and your reality. You don't deserve people in your life who are telling you that you're wrong for trying to take care of yourself. You're not wrong for doing what you need to do, and I'm not going to let anybody walk all over you when you need me to protect you. You want to get better and I want to be there with you while you do. You're doing the same thing for me, and I love you for it. "

#mod kait #ask #anon #mystic messenger #mysme #mysticmessenger #choi saeran #mm #saeyoung choi #choi saeyoung #707 #seven #luciel choi #choi luciel #drabble #tw depression

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Title: Mountain of Thieves

Author: Cormyris H. Heaney

Rating: 1/5 stars

Hm. Very strange. And kind of upsetting?

Let's start by saying that I don't tend to find "literary fiction" to be the most emotionally intense category of fiction. And in particular, "fiction by people who have never actually experienced any of the things being depicted" tends to bore me. (Not that people don't feel "real pain" while reading these works -- the question is whether their feeling "reality" is in any way a feeling of their own experience.)

But I had some high hopes for Cormyris Heaney. I like Heaney's nonfiction well enough -- especially his meditations on landscape and travel and "the sublime," which have a certain kind of transcendental power. I was especially fond of a short little piece he wrote on the "Heaven Lake" in the Himalayas, which is a natural phenomenon that people of all kinds of religious backgrounds find compelling. (That is, I like Heaney's writing a lot, but I don't think it was ever going to be for me "that literary stuff.")

At this point I realized that while I liked Heaney's nonfiction, I just didn't care about him as a writer, because his fiction was nothing like the kind of fiction I'm into. And I felt like, why even bother giving a second look?

But there's that second look you have to do, or else the whole thing is just the same feeling, over and over, forever and ever. It is, ultimately, the responsibility of the writer, to make you care. So, there you go! And that one thing done, then you have to try and do something else with the rest of your life.

Well, the more I read Mountain of Thieves, the more I realized how little of it there was. This novel was like a set of puzzles -- its "characters" were actually very inscrutable, and the story was all about how they met each other, and what a mystery it would have been to "follow their story back to its origins," etc. etc. If you could write something like that for any sort of other novel, no matter how low-budget, it would have been worth keeping around for comparison. But this was just not the sort of story that could have been written about any of the people mentioned.

There were a few passages that were so weird, so upsetting, I was sort of stunned into silence, not sure what to do with them. For instance:

At the end of the novel I was thinking "this has been a deeply unpleasant experience, and I'm glad it's over." It was like reading an alternate-reality version of The Last Interview.

When we look away from our real world, the things around us seem to have taken on some kind of illusory and unreal quality. Everything is distorted -- especially the people in the world around us. We see them as strange, as unfamiliar, even if their behavior and personalities are not. And we see their personalities as strange, as unfamiliar, even though they are very familiar to us -- as long as we are not, while reading, thinking about anything beyond the words we are reading.

In real life, our thoughts take many forms -- but at the same time, none of those forms are really "real." We only know what they are, when we let the words of others go beyond themselves, and we let ourselves feel what they feel -- and what they were for. When we do this, we realize the full power and meaning of their personality, just as we realize the full power and meaning of ours. And when we do that, we start to wonder: "is my personality any less strange to me?"

I do not know whether you are reading these words, but perhaps it is they that you ought to be reading. This is what I know. I can remember having read them. If you know me, it is impossible for me to be able to read anything else. (...) I know there is pain. I know there is evil. I am only writing what I know.

In the world you live in, this is not possible.

In the world you are living in, this is true.

If you find this troubling, it may be the time, in life, that you are living in. But perhaps it is only the time.

These are just a few examples. There are many others -- the novel is filled with these strange juxtapositions, in which a sort of alienness is implied, an unreal quality -- that we might call "the literary version of the Unreality Effect."

What is so disturbing to me is the way in which everything is like this. In real life, the world's events and people and everything are never "the same" twice. In real life, things change all the time, and you cannot predict them and cannot keep track of them. In real life, these are true in a very deep sense, as is the case in this book. But in real life, we are not the characters. We have the responsibility and the freedom to look back, to notice that what happened was "different" from what happened to "us," in some ways and not in other ways, even when our actions or our perceptions seemed "identical." And this is true whether we are actually living in a world, or just reading about it.

In the same way, what happens in Mountain of Thieves is a world that is different from, but just as real as, the one we live in. One is a world without an end, one is a world without an explanation, one is a world that cannot be read or even "understood."

In fact, it is a world without understanding at all, or without comprehension. It is like a dream, except that nothing in it is actually dreamlike in the ordinary sense -- it is like a dream, but not like dreams, not in any way that a human being could ever possibly be, even in a dream. At one point one of the characters is told by her teacher that he has never had a dream in his life, even though all of us do have them, and he is astonished by the suggestion. At another point, one of the characters feels herself being "stared down" by a character in some sort of strange and alien world, and this "world" feels to her like a human world, like the world she feels she is "from."

There are two versions of this story, of course, but it is all the same story. The two versions are what each one of the characters is "trying to see," if the reader can imagine such a thing. But each character can never "see the story of the other," and the reader, too, can never see what either character can "see."

This is not just a moral or "religious" story, although it has much of that quality too. The central theme is, in a sense, the impossibility of the moral/religious story. In the moral

[gsirvitor]

Your video of that man speaking about male suicide rates:

Is it true men don’t confide in their friends? I see a lot of supportive and motivational material online made by men for men struggling. Is opening up to your friends really still stigmatised among men?

I’m a woman, I studied abroad for a bit and I couldn’t make friends. I had several friendly acquaintances and ‘fair weather’ friends, but no one I could talk to about heavy stuff I was going through. I even considered joining the church (not raised Christian), but there was a language barrier.

It’s tough if you don’t have a solid network of family and close friends. Friends are so hard to make the older you grow...my heart goes out to lonely men and women out there.

Men communicate differently to women, it isn't so much that it's stigmatized, it's that men express themselves more physically to one another than emotionally.

Men aren't conditioned to not show emotion, at least not in the way people often infer, while women tend to recognize and understand how they are feeling rather quickly, it can take men hours and even days to realize how their feelings are affecting them.

The initial instinct for most men when faced with strong emotions is to look for a problem to solve. They don’t think first about the feelings and emotions that may be involved. Men do experience emotions, but we typically don’t show them.

Men often express feelings outwardly through body language such as physical gestures, facial changes, muscle tensing and gritting teeth, smacking eachother, instead of expressing those emotions with words. Just because a man doesn’t verbally express his feelings doesn’t mean he is not expressing them.

Men take a longer time on average to understand what they are feeling and to figure out what may be causing the emotion. When an emotion is less complicated, men can recognize what they are feeling quicker than with a more complicated emotion. A less complicated emotion would include being upset that someone did not take the garbage out, while a more complicated emotion would be grieving the loss of a close friend or family member, I for one didn't cry about the passing of my Nana until weeks later.

Men however can and do talk openly to other men, we are prone to allow ourselves to be vulnerable when in an environment with men we recognize as close, we tend to shut it back in when it comes to women in our lives because we don't want them to see us as weak.

This is most likely to do with evolutionary psychology, and less about culture, because we see this in every culture globally, men needed to be strong in the face of crisis to care for their mate and children, hence why we can shoot the shit with men, this doesn't translate well into the modern day.

Hell, even then it's hard to know who you can confide with today, people aren't as community oriented anymore and tend to flip on a dime, you could confide in someone and they could then use it to hurt you.

In my opinion, the best place to be able to confide your feelings is with those you love, even if it's just a pet, or in a place you know it'll be confidential, like a therapist or church, men can and will open up, given the correct environment and people.

[diariesof-kg]

Chapter Two.

2023 August 10.

A lot has happened and I am kind of unsure why things affect me so bad, but that is something I need to work on. I also love the person I am today and refuse to backpedal down to who I use to be. The truth is no one will ever understand a Capricorn and I have heard this from other Capricorns as well. We will always be misunderstood. This is something we are aware of and yet we still complain about it as if the world is going to stop spinning just to understand US, the GOAT. Maybe it's better we understand ourselves and love ourselves and take what we receive as is.

I don't believe we are hard to love, I just think humans refuse to take the extra time to do so, but expect it in return. How I feel right now is quite unethical, if that even makes sense. This white screen I type on can't begin to capture my full emotions within. I think I am tired to be honest. I have been tired since May and all the issues and drama it came with, which flowed into June. The unfortunate thing is I returned to the forefront to avoid 'situations' but in reality wanted to disappear forever. Capricorns, we tend to care too much about people who wouldn't even bring us the moon. I sometimes feel sorry for us, because we don't deserve being treated the way we do. I always state that I wish I was another zodiac sign, because a few are much stronger emotionally, even if the undertone of it is weak.

When I feel like this, I wish my mom was here. I mean real bad. I believe I am filled with a lot of pain and not sure where to go with it. Venting to my friends does nothing anymore and I think I have mentioned that before. Phew...I wish I could really speak on how I feel, but I don't need people to panic. I will type all of this and wake up the next day feeling amazing but that's like putting a bandaid on an unhealed wound that continues to bleed. I think I am tired of just being 'handled' incorrectly. I am kind of tired of expressing my emotions and feelings only for it to seem overdramatic. I know I have an issue with expecting people to think how I think, but not on that level. It's more of if the roles were reversed how would you feel. But even then how can I expect that. I think moving forward in my friendships, family and relationships, I just won't anymore. I won't even be upset about certain things, I just be like "well alright." I understand that's dangerous and it's actually hindering my emotions, but I've been doing this all my life.

Sometimes you have to really sit back and tell yourself, no one gives a damn about your feelings Ke'Anna, because if they did, then A wouldn't have led to C. Today I sat on the floor in silence and gave myself words of affirmation. I thought about what makes me a catch. What makes me desirable. What makes me different from everyone else. To be honest it helped a lot. I had to remind myself of how thoughtful I am when I think of others. My actions create happiness within me that it shows through the person. I am honest and loyal. I put others before me and always think before doing. I am loving and caring with a little razzle dazzle. I validate others feelings without attempting to impose with my thoughts and opinions. I make sure the person is heard and be sure after, to "check in." The list can go on. I sat and thought about all the compliments I had received over time from past folks I had interest in. Sometimes you have to take a second to conquer the subconscious negative thoughts. I mean after all I did have two women fly out here just to see if I was real. Lol,

I think the only person I could say who understood me was the one who didn't want to commit. Lol, how ironic. Maybe because she was young and less tainted by society? But then again my sister is a Libra and even though I be side-eyeing, she definitely does validate and attempts to understand your thoughts. I had to clap for my sister one time, because she was never like that. That's huge growth that I have seen. I be wishing sometimes that I wasn't me. The personality that everyone likes. Sometimes I wish I was less caring and more selfish. And I mean really selfish, whatever that looks like, because I have no idea, Lol. Maybe nonchalant? More so an inconsiderate person? A person that honestly just does whatever and apologizes over and over again, because humans love to scream accountability. But then the world lives in pain, so me being inconsiderate to others would be a fraction of what they already endured. Could anyone imagine me being this person? They would honestly be scared. Lol, my friends would unfriend me. Everyone would be like Ke'Anna isn't KeAnna. It would be real life scary. It wouldn't be considered acting out, it would be more of trying on a new pair of shoes. Maybe if I was more inconsiderate I wouldn't live in this agony pain. How can I even explain what I mean. I mean I'd be a human who is numb and feel less and it would save me from overthinking and sleepless nights.

I should consider this next venture. It would definitely help in so many ways. I feel sorry for those who took advantage of who I was, Lol. Seriously, I be scared of my own self and the abilities I have to turn into someone else. Next everyone going to call me cold, but I was just warm all those times. Who knows, but I do feel a change is coming indefinitely. Once I stop crying, it's the start of something beautiful. Something magical. The only reason I will be crying is because I miss my mother. Everyone else will receive not a drop of tears from me. I shall return to write some more later this month, if time permits. I have so much on my plate and unsure how to handle it, but will attempt to week by week.

#life lessons #life #diariesofkg #astrology signs #capricorn #family #friends #blogs #the goat

[smartrelationshiptips]

Virgos And Breakups: How to Survive a Virgo Breakup

Do you know the details about Virgos and Breakups? If you don’t know, this article will help you. A recent study suggests that Virgos are the most likely sign of breaking up with their significant other. With a population of 1 in every 50 people, there’s bound to be at least one Virgo in your life. Learn how to deal with this personality type, so you’re less likely to get dumped 

It would be best to never make promises without following through because this could lead the relationship down a path where trust has been broken before it started.

Keep in mind that they also hate anything too clingy or overbearing, so if you’re overly desperate to be with them or constantly running after them, they’ll feel suffocated and trapped.

Virgos And Breakups

Breakups are a part of life and can be difficult to navigate. They often leave you feeling sad, jealous or even angry. It is important to take care of yourself during this time, and it’s not always easy, but there are things that you can do to get through the process. I’m going to share some advice on how we Virgos can survive breakups in an effortless fashion 

Some tips for surviving a breakup as a Virgo:

Do your best not to let anyone see how upset you are (especially if they’re someone who might want something from you). This will help avoid any further complications because people tend toward being kind when they think someone else is suffering, so try to maintain an air of calmness.

Don’t pout. It’s not cute, and it only makes you appear childish. There are much better ways to get through a bad breakup than hiding out in the corner sulking.

Listen to music, read a book or do something that will distract you from your heartache (but don’t overdo it). I recommend using a hot bath with some Epsom salts to relax.

Remember why you broke up in the first place. Was it fixable?

If so, go back to step 1! But if you don’t think there’s anything you can do to make things better, keeping the relationship going is only making it worse for you.

Don’t look for revenge. This is a childish thing to do, and it will only worsen (unless you find something out that the other person did, which would justify your actions).

Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise and stay as positive as possible (this can be hard, I know).

When someone ends a relationship with you, it can be very difficult to get over the relationship. But if you can remember those things that made your relationship less than desirable in the first place, it will make it easier for you to start making better choices with who you decide to date next.

If a relationship has caused more bad feelings than good and is no longer going anywhere, you probably should let it go. You’ll find that many other people will appreciate you for the person you are.

In every relationship, something is gained, and something is lost (sometimes both). You might have lost a great deal emotionally, but if you keep this in mind while searching for your next mate, chances are things will end up better the next time.

Breakups and Virgos: The Vexed Relationship

There are many reasons that relationships will end. It’s often hard to tell why they happen, and sometimes it’s impossible to find out. When one of your relationships ends, it is best not to dwell on the whys but instead focus on how you can change things in your next relationship so that this doesn’t happen again.

One of the biggest issues for Virgos when it comes to relationships is the idea of letting someone else in. This is a difficult thing for us and one that we need to work on. Not only do we have issues letting others in, but there are times that we are just as uncomfortable with ourselves and who we are.

When you fully understand that you don’t always have to be in control, you can let others into your life more. It’s not easy being a Virgo and being in a relationship. We often feel like it will never work out or that we are just setting ourselves up for disappointment (which is why it is important to open ourselves up when falling in love with someone slowly).

Once you allow yourself to fall in love, you are letting someone else in on your vulnerabilities. You’re making yourself emotionally vulnerable, and a part of us feel like we will be hurt if they find out something about us that we don’t want them to know.

We might feel like they’ll lose respect for us or that we will lose their trust. We don’t let ourselves get close to others because of this fear, and the people we do allow in on our inner selves are the ones who have earned that spot. If you find yourself being overly critical with your friends, family or other love interests, then it might be a good idea to step back from them for a little.

Also Read:

Things You Need to Know to Win The Heart Of A Virgo Man Virgo Woman After a Breakup: Best Virgo Woman’s Guide How To Know When A Virgo Man Is Done With You

10 Quotes That Perfectly Sum Up a Virgo and Breakups

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”

― George Eliot, Adam Bede

Just because you are going through a breakup doesn’t mean that your life is over, and it’s time to give in. Once you realize that breaking up with someone can be a positive thing, it will make things easier for you to get through the pain.

When you find that your life has become consumed with how and why the relationship ended, it’s time to take a step back and realize that things could worsen. If you’re able to get through the pain of losing love, you’ll know that it won’t be so hard for other relationships in the future.

“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.”

― Albert Einstein, The Quotable Einstein

No matter what happens between two people in a relationship, there are always going to be feelings involved. You’ll end up wondering how you can move on from the relationship but at the same time continue to feel a connection with your ex.

It’s best not to let yourself get too emotionally involved, especially if it is in part because they have moved on so easily and quickly.

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”

― John F. Kennedy

It’s easier said than done, but when it comes to forgiveness, the best thing you can do is let go and move on. This doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to forget what happened or wipe your memory clean of both parties involved in the relationship.

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It is realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”

― Jason Mraz, yes!

No matter how hard it might be to say goodbye, letting go of your feelings can open up a whole new world for you. You’ll be able to start fresh and give yourself a chance to meet someone new.

“I don’t want anyone else’s has-beens; I want myself.”

― Carrie Fisher, Shockaholic

When you let go of the baggage brought in relationships and your past experiences, it will open up your mind to a whole new life. You’ll be able to start fresh, and this is the time when you can become more involved in yourself and what makes you happy.

“I’m just not any good at relationships. I’m too selfish.”

― Tom Hiddleston

No matter how many times you’ve failed at a relationship in the past, it doesn’t mean that you’ll never be able to find someone worth your time. You must have characteristics that other people strive for, and if you let yourself believe what everyone else is telling you, you will never know what’s right in front of your eyes.

Just because you cannot hold on to a relationship is not the fault of you being too selfish. Many things go into creating a perfect relationship, and with time you’ll be able to find what works for your needs. Don’t let one failure bring down all of your hopes in finding someone else who makes you happy.

“It’s not supposed to be easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it.”

― Lionel Richie

Just because you have found someone who can make your life complete and they are everything you’ve ever wanted doesn’t mean that things will go smoothly from the start. There may be times where everything goes wrong, and you’ll find yourself on the verge of giving up. Do not let one setback or dispute break your spirit.

“Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it.”

― Albert Einstein

There may be more than one situation present in your love life, and you’ll find yourself confused about what is right and wrong. You have to keep your own beliefs intact before you allow the opinions of others to cloud the outlook of your future. No matter how much someone else tries to sway you from your feelings, your mind decides what path you want to take.

“We can’t change the cards we’re dealt, just how we play the hand.”

― Randy Pausch

Because of all of your past experiences and failures in love, you may have become tired of any new opportunity that comes your way. You can’t blame yourself for anything that happens in the past, so don’t let it keep you from experiencing a deeper relationship with someone who cares about you.

“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

― St. Augustine

No matter how much you’ve invested your time and emotions into a past relationship, it is impossible to feel regret or pain from something that didn’t work out in the end. You should be happy for the experiences you had with someone else, even if there was an instance where they hurt your feelings.

Stern Virgos and Breakups: How to Handle a Partner Who Leaves You for Someone Else

If you are currently going through a breakup with a Virgo, you may feel as though the relationship isn’t over. It is more likely that your ex wants to stay friends with you and eventually reconnect when the timing is right.

Your ex probably feels as though if they stay friends with you, then there is a chance things can be salvaged in the future. Although this should not be your ultimate concern in life, it is worth keeping in mind that you can always try again once your ex has healed from the breakup.

If you want to know how to deal with a partner who breaks up with you but then tries to maintain contact, there are a few things that could help you move on with the rest of your life.

How to Get a Virgo Back: 6 Steps to Getting Your Virgo Back Into

Virgos are known for their practicality, reliability, and perfectionism. When they break up with someone, they usually do it because something wrong in the relationship needs to be fixed. This can make getting them back a little more difficult than other signs, but not impossible! There are six steps you can take to get your Virgo back 

1. Make small changes:

If the breakup was due to a lack of communication or feelings of unimportance, try making changes such as talking more often and being honest about everything. 

2. Be patient:

Virgos need time to think things through before making decisions, so don’t rush into anything too quickly. Be patient and give them time to think about their decision. You may have done something or said something that hurt their feelings, but if you take your time, things can work out. 

3) Take some time for yourself:

Stop putting pressure on yourself and let your obsessive behaviour go; accept that you cannot do everything perfectly all of the time. Recognize how much effort makes sure things are perfect; realize that nothing is more important than being healthy or happy.

4) Communicate openly with each other:

Make an effort to talk about what’s bothering you, and don’t assume anything. Communicate openly about what’s bothering you to try to work it out and understand things better. 

5) Give them space if they need it:

Maybe your ex-partner isn’t ready for a relationship with you yet, so give them some time and allow them the freedom to do things without being influenced by you. Sometimes, when someone feels overwhelmed or emotional, they need space to work through things themselves, so give them space, and when they are ready, you can talk about it.

6) Wait patiently:

Don’t pressure your ex-partner into doing something that they aren’t ready to do, instead wait for them to make the first move and think about what you want to do next.

Although getting your Virgo back isn’t as easy as saying how you feel, there are a few things that you can do to change your mind. It is key to understand why they broke up and figuring out what it will take to get them back in the relationship.

In some cases, the signs may not be right for each other but could work in a different situation – but patience is the key. If you are willing to wait and put effort into making things better, there’s no reason why you can’t work things out.

How to Avoid the 5 Biggest Mistakes You’re Making When a Virgo Ends It

Unless you’re a total dirtbag, it’s highly unlikely that your relationship with a Virgo ended because you did something to make them not respect and trust you. So, the key to winning back the heart of your Virgo lover is understanding what went wrong in the first place, which might be easier said than done.

Read on to learn more about the biggest mistakes people make when their Virgos dump them, along with some solid advice on how you can avoid making the same mistakes yourself.

After your Virgo lover has broken up with you, it’s important to go into “damage control” mode right away. Here are 5 big mistakes that people tend to make after their relationship ends and how to avoid them yourself:

1) You Beg Forgiveness:

It’s unlikely that your Virgo partner is going to take you back just because you beg for forgiveness. Virgo is sticklers for doing things the right way. They pride themselves on their perfectionism; an apology isn’t usually going to cut it when a flaw has been found in your relationship, even if you were truly sorry for what you did.

The best way to handle this situation is to take some time off from your ex-partner and work on yourself. Focus on making changes that will show your Virgo partner that you can be more honest and reliable than before. Once they see how emotionally mature you can be, they’ll probably be more open to the idea of getting back together with you.

2) You Act Like Everything Is OK:

Another issue with pretending like everything is OK is that it makes it seem like you don’t care about what happened. If your Virgo partner already felt that you were too emotionally distant from the relationship, this could push them even further away from you.

The best thing to do after your Virgo partner breaks up with you is to take some time and make positive changes in yourself. Once they see that you are serious about making things work, the transition back into a relationship will be much smoother for both of you.

3) You Get Angry And Call Your Ex-lover Names:

It’s understandable that you probably felt betrayed and attacked when your Virgo lover called things off with you, but getting angry at him or she isn’t going to solve anything. Calling your ex-partner names or saying nasty things about them will only make you look bitter and desperate to get back together again – in other words, it won’t make things better.

The best thing that you can do when your Virgo lover breaks up with you is to take some time off from them and get yourself together. Find other ways of coping with the situation, like talking to someone about it or doing something else to keep your mind off of the emotional pain that you’re experiencing at the moment.

4) You Go Off And Sleep With Other People:

The “rebound” effect is a very real thing, and it’s usually at its peak after someone has broken up with you. It can be tempting to go out and sleep with another person just because you’re feeling lonely or hurt.

But if this happens, you’re only going to be making things much harder on yourself. Sure, your ex-partner will see that it was a mistake for them to dump you, and they’ll want to get back together with you again (sometimes this works out extremely well), but if it doesn’t work out like that, then you’ll look bad in their eyes.

Instead of pursuing someone else after your Virgo partner breaks up with you, focus on being single for a while and finding ways of coping with the situation. The more emotionally stable that you are, the easier it will be to get back together with your ex-partner after things have cooled off between you both.

5) You Become Too Needy And Desperate:

It’s natural to have your feelings hurt after being broken up with by a Virgo lover, and it’s also understandable if you are desperate to get back together with them again. If this is the case, you need to be careful about how much pressure you put on your ex-partner.

Conclusion

Thank you for reading this blog post on Virgos And Breakups. We hope you enjoyed it! If there’s anything we missed or didn’t address, please let us know in the comments below, and we’ll be happy to help out. Thanks again, and have a great day!

#breakup #divorce #love #marriage #relationship #youtube #Youtube

[solar--system]

⚠️TW Vent, Trauma Dumping⚠️

I saw a post talking about depression and antidepressants and it made me realize we are so much more depressed then we thought. The post was light hearted in talking about an interest OP hadn’t been perusing in months, and it made me realize, we used to have a lot of interests that we pursued. But now we don’t do any of them. Most of our time is spent either at work or in bed, finding pleasure in the different activities I can do from my phone.

So depression is probably worse than we originally thought. Starting antidepressants would probably be a next good step towards bettering our life. But to do that we should go back to therapy, which is scary. To start with we’re now bodily an adult, so everything is on us. We’ve never picked a therapist before, always having our parents setting up our appointments and finding different therapists when things didn’t work out with the last one.

The other problem is that the last time I went to a therapy visit, my therapist told me that they didn’t think talk therapy would work for us. We didn’t know how to take that, partly angry because we’re trying to better ourselves and being told that it’s not working by the person who was supposed to be helping us hurt, and sad because if this didn’t work we didn’t know what else to try. So I’m nervous about seeing a therapist again, but I know it will be good for us in the long run.

And then our mind stumbles through the idea that if we’re going to therapy anyways, why not look into a therapist or psychiatrist that could help diagnose us with DID. Not our top priority, but something we’d like to have.

Then we convince ourselves we’re faking because our life wasn’t that traumatizing.

We were a child raised by children who had been raised by children. Our father wasn’t around, too busy working. Our mother, without realizing it cared for herself more than the children she birthed. Her love life always more of a priority then mine or my brothers happiness. But that’s a whole mother can of worms for a different post at a different time. Our older brother was emotionally and a bit physically abusive, which our brain tries to play off as a sibling dynamic, even when we continue to be haunted by some of the things said. We were sexually harassed? Assaulted? By our uncle and older brother on multiple occasions. The father of our younger brother was far more intimate then he should’ve been with us, and much more violent then he should’ve been with our older brother. We’ve battled with autism, and not being understood because of it. More fights revolved around food and misunderstandings, then issues a child should actually be punished for. Countless nights falling asleep at the dinner table, exhausted from crying, over a plate of food we couldn’t convince our mind to eat. Being snapped at after asking the millionth what if question, filled to the brim with curiosity, but then being asked to put a lid on it. We were always viewed as smart and mature for our age. We took that as a compliment not knowing that we missed out on being a kid, on being immature. We made changes to improve our quality of life, only to be fought against by family who didn’t believe in the changes we made, by parents who thought this change meant a loss. Eventually we were driven to live with our older brother, where the abuse continued. I love my brother. Fights could start as conversations, slight disagreements on how things were handled, suggestions put delicately so as to not upset the other. Most fights dealt with him nearly killing his cat, some about how he talked and treated his wife, and the dumbest argument was over us skipping a meal. We were sick, the effect of our older brother sick with Covid, spitting in our face after a fight. We lost our best friend of over a year to disagreements over our lack of emotions and their lack of self care. Now we are haunted by the question of if we are toxic because of the relationship or if the relationship itself was toxic. We lost our animal companion of 9 years and our other animal companion of 5 years the night after Christmas. We had to put our mourning on hold to go get another Covid test, to see if I would finally test negative. We convince ourselves we don’t need these people in our lives, but when it’s quiet we can’t help thinking about them. When they’re around we can’t help wanting to be around them more, and missing them when they leave. But when they’re gone, the pain remains.

I don’t know what to write anymore so I’m just gonna leave this as is. I’m in a piss poor mood now

#actually did #actually dissociative #did community #dissociative alters #dissociative identities #endo dni #osddid #traumagenic did #traumagenic system #dissociative system

[acancers-mind]

Love

I just had an epiphany. I finally have an answer as to why i need to be in love or feel love for someone I’m having sex with. From a very young age I’ve always been in touch with my sexuality and my femininity. And because of that, from the ages of 6 to about 12 or 13 I was taken advantage of by an older boy whom I trusted. And what he did to me was not love. In fact it robbed me of a lot of firsts and human experiences. Fast forward a bit to the age of 19. I meet a man. Mr. Man. We form a friendship. A very genuine feeling bond. Something real. Another level of real. But he does not want to claim me as his or vice versa. So for months we go back and forth on whether his feelings are genuine for me and why he can’t be my boyfriend and why I need a relationship to have this type of bond. And I could never give him an answer until now. Every man I had slept with before him... I had been in love. And I don’t regret a single one of them because to me it is beautiful to love someone. I’d rather it end in heartbreak rather than never experience it and feel nothing. And when I met him I actually didn’t fall instantly, I actually found him unbearable. But we kept having these little moments, then found ourselves bonding and spending time together. A few dates here and there, kept it our secret that we were seeing each other. But then word got out. I left for summer. And honestly since I came back, something had changed in him. He always made it clear to me that he cared for me greatly and never rejected my feelings toward him. But in my absence it was like he grew a bit colder. And the closer I became to his heart the more stern he became in his affections. He was a lot of my firsts. We became very intimate not just physically but intellectually and emotionally. And I do not do that with people. It takes a lot for me to actually feel safe with a man. But as he became more vulnerable with me, I let my walls cave in. The things that we told each other are things that I would only say to the man I’d spend the rest of my life with. And he explained that he had never told anyone the things that I know. 

There was a period of time where I told him to fuck off because I was upset with the way I was being treated. I experimented with sleeping with guys I didn’t love to see if it would bring me any satisfaction. Well, three more bodies added to the list and all three are regrettable instances where I should have said “I’m good”, “This isn’t right”, or “Take me home”. The most recent was basically manipulation at it’s finest and I almost crawled right back into Mr. Mans arms. Because when we had sex or spent time together. At least he made me feel like he cared about me as a person. This guy basically got me drunk and didn’t even present to option of consent. I felt used, and didn’t want to be touched. I blocked him. And it just confirmed what I already knew about myself. Being in the safety of the love bubble isn’t just to be cute and wifed up. The bond is not easily formed for me. It takes time and energy and effort. So I stayed with Mr. Man for a long time. Because giving up all of that time and effort and energy that I spent being in love and being vulnerable and finally feeling feminine will go to waste. And I miss him. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still in love. But until he answers my questions and I tell him my truth, I don’t think we’ll be able to move forward.

[btsandvmin]

Vmin vs Ji/kook

Yes, I somehow ended up doing a post like this despite my stance. I blame my patience running out and me just being tired of Ji/kookers and Vminies being so focused on making it a competition when it shouldn't be.

Both relationships are very sweet and genuine and as I've said many times, all members love each other and all ships have moments that makes them worth shipping. But this isn't about shipping is it?

People wouldn't be so upset if is was all in their fantasy. No, real people shipping blur the line between reality and fantasy and fans want more. They want their ship to be real, and "the best ship" even though it should be left as a preference. It doesn’t have to be about being best, it’s just different. You all know my stance, and you might have read all or some of my posts on Shipping vs Believing, Normalizing Vmin or “Vmin” and I ship Vmin.

I also talked about Ji/kook in particular in Getting it out of the way…

But most of all I wish you would take to heart what I say in my post Vmin not being real. We shouldn't need any ship to be real and thus we shouldn't be worried about another ship being real. We shouldn’t have to “gloat” or feel superior when our ship get good moments. We should wish for the boys to be happy and trust them to find their own happiness with whoever they may choose.

I got two asks as a reaction to the Memories of 2020 moments that we got and I honestly think both showcase examples of focusing on the wrong thing but in very different ways.

If you can’t handle shipping discourse or other ships just know that’s something you will obviously find in this post.

So first I want to start with the ask I got from a Vminie.

Before anything I want to say that I hope you understand that I don't mean to hurt you, and I am hoping I can still provide a comforting place for you. I know it can be difficult with the intense rivalries between shippers, but we really need to take a step back and ask ourselves what it would mean if BTS ships we love aren't real, and perhaps even more what it would mean if our "rival" ship would be.

My hope is that you can in some way feel happy with what we see and have, and with Vmin loving each other as soulmates no matter their relationship status.

As for my thoughts on the "main" Ji/kook moment I think it falls in line with a lot of other Ji/kook moments. With Jimin being almost clingy and "shameless" and them being very close. If this was a Vmin moment I would surely lose it as well so I don't blame shippers for loving it and hyping it. But again, to me it already fits in the dynamic I see between Ji/kook, so I am not really surprised. Maybe it was a bit closer than other examples, but I wouldn't say it changes anything for me personally at least.

But again, IF Ji/kook or any other ship but Vmin would be real, what would it mean? There is a difference between your own wants and what it would mean for BTS and the relationships they have with each other. And fact is that the Vmin we see and get is true no matter what. The Vmin we love is still the same, still soulmates, even if they aren't romantically involved. If it's difficult, it's all because of your views and wishes being challanged. That's why I always try to advocate for not being sure and for not needing a ship to be real. Because in the end it doesn't change BTS, but it could hurt you if you are too emotionally attached to the idea of a ship being real.

Now, I really hope you can feel happy anon, because if anything BTS memories 2020 gave us so many great and wonderful moments between all members and it's clear maknae line all love each other. Vmin had such an overwhelming amount of moments I feel a bit sad you couldn't be happy about them instead of focusing on something you feel is "negative". Please take care of yourself anon, and I hope you could find some comfort even if I was quite harsh to you. 💜

Moving on to the Ji/kooker who for some reason felt the need to drop by.

Thank you for your concern anon but I am doing ok. I am perfectly happy with all the wonderful Vmin moments we got. In fact I will repeat something I said in a previous post (Ask: Reply - 2021.07.26)

"What I can say is that not only do I love Vmin, but I personally think we have the best moments out of all the BTS ships. Like, by far. I wouldn’t trade any moments for what we have with Vmin (I mean, obviously, I have a big bias towards their dynamics and moments and got into them for a reason)."

I stand by this. I mean, after years I have watched all members and what I love is the whole and what kind of dynamics and moments they have... I have always preferred Vmin to Ji/kook, and their types of moments is a big part in that. I prefer soft soulmates to shameless teasing as one example.

Anyways, there is absolutely no reason to be sad for me because Vmin provides us with the greatest content all the time, and I love Jimin and Taehyung's bond enough as it is and is grounded in reality enough to not feel "threatened" by other possibilities than them being a romantic couple. You seem sure enough about Ji/kook to feel sorry about people who don't ship them, so good for you to have confidence I guess. But liking BTS and Vmin isn't about being right or superior to me, I love them all for many different reasons, but "being right" isn't my main priority here. So to answer your question if Ji/kook kiss and end up being a couple I will be happy for them. Can you say the same if Vmin do?

Since you are so confident in Ji/kook can’t you just be happy that Vmin has such a great bond at the same time? Did you have to come here?

Anyways, I don't want to start any ship wars because frankly they are unnecessary and no matter what it wouldn't change reality. But since you came to me I might as well also share why despite everything Ji/kook has done I am still guessing on Vmin IF any ship is real. In fact, the way Ji/kook are is a contributing factor to why Vmin seem more likely to me.

Let's do what I personally always said not to do. Compare. (It's ok to call me a hypocrite, I am)

Before anything though, I don't know if there is any point in me explaining it because it's really all just a matter of perspective and how you read the members as people as well as their dynamics with each other. Clearly we could all have very different views as outsiders looking in.

Here's the thing... All BTS ship have moments and they all love each other. Once we establish this the rest is all speculation. For me I see a lot of skinship between all members and perhaps the most from Jimin, Tae, JK and Hobi towards other members. But we know a lot of the ships have similar moments or at least very intimate moments. So, skinship or being close or loving each other is there as a base for all of the ships. That's why they are all so shippable. Beyond this there are 7 years worth of content for shippers to look for weird moments and analyze. Of course most will find something, and most who make analysis will create their own narratives for their ship and why it makes sense based on their views.

I can't lie and say Ji/kook doesn't have a lot of ship moments or weird things about them. That's why despite everything I see with Vmin I won't say Ji/kook (or any ship really) is impossible. Mostly because I don't know everything and I know no individual can 100% trust their interpretations of BTS.

The thing is that Ji/kook doesn't exist in a vacuum. And because I see Vmin and the way they behave I place them above Ji/kook in level of suspicion, even more so because both ships exist.

If I put it in the most simple way, in my narrative and how I read them Jimin is a quite private and careful person. So looking at Ji/kook's general dynamic I don't see much of that Jimin. Rather he can be quite shameless and seems to like having moments with JK on camera or speak openly about them being together etc. Of course this doesn't mean Jimin can't be different and open with his relationship with JK because he doesn't feel a need to be careful despite them being a couple. They could hide behind fanservice etc. I know Ji/kookers have the narrative that Ji/kook can basically do whatever and it would still be safe because not enough people would believe them to be real anyway. That Big Hit might even help them create a glass closet and Ji/kook can walk around being as much of a couple as possible as long as they don't state anything clearly. On it's own this narrative with Ji/kook being real still works, though it still kind of clashes with my view of how Jimin seems to be fairly private most of the time.

But then add Vmin into the mix. Why would the two best friends of the group suddenly in comparison have so many careful or shy moments? Why would they seemingly not hang out much or not do vlives? Why would they seem awkward about being alone or with having the spotlight on them? Why would they look at cameras and change their behavior at times? Why do they sometimes backtrack or seem to hold back?

Jimin gets shy even by small things like Tae touching him, or even the thought of Tae touching him,  or giving him a gift, or talking about their memories, or saying Jimin’s favorite part of the Dynamite dance was his. Despite the way we have seen Vmin be very cuddly and close many times there are so many examples of them holding back or Jimin in particular being shy for barely nothing.

Not that Vmin can't be bold and Ji/kook can't have shy moments. But in general what I see is Vmin being careful with how they come across quite a lot. And even members being careful with how they come across. It's not consistent which is also weird. Their push and pull seems to indicate they are unsure at times, but not always.

Meanwhile other ships (not just ji/kook mind you) joke about looking like couples or have a lot of moments Vmin has too but seemingly without the shy or careful aspects. Or other ships don't do the things Vmin does and act awkward, they just, don't do them. Like how Yoongi is quite obviously not a big fan of being hugged randomly, which he will show and not often initiate himself. But with Vmin it changes from time to time. Something like an arm around the shoulder or a hug shouldn't be a big deal, but sometimes it seems like it is.

We are talking about a group with questionable moments between several ships. So why would Vmin be careful and why would the other members feel the need to remind us they are great friends at some very unnecessary times?

On top of this we have a lot of great and very physically and emotionally intimate moments between them. We also seem to have a change over time where they start to do "more" questionable things. If Ji/kook is real and can do what they do, then why are Vmin holding hands more and more, calling each other soulmates, show a preference to share beds etc. Why would Taehyung write the romantic Christmas song and want to sing it with Jimin and why wouldn't it be allowed? Especially if it’s all just platonic and meanwhile the real ship Ji/kook being basically the big ship with the big moments and all eyes on them can do similar things without any problem?

Vmin has some very strong moments, but they have also gradually showed more and while also having the benefit of being view in a mostly platonic light. Compared to the other big ships where every move and interaction get picked apart, analyzed and used as proof for their love.

Vmin has managed to do a lot, while “getting away with it” just like the Ji/kook narrative, just with a different way of doing it and timeline. Just look at them calling each other soulmates, making songs about each other and seemingly showing a preference to sleep together. All of these have gradually been more and more showcased. They didn't shout it out from the start, they slowly showed it more openly. The first time we heard about 4 o'clock having anything to do with Jimin it was Namjoon who wrote about it. But he also deleted the comment. The first time Tae hinted about being tied to Jimin by fate was in 2015 and Jimin basically shifted away the attention from himself (VMIN: The Soulmate Saga). Fans got used to it and accepted it. Instead of questioning Vmin as a ship when they called each other soulmates or held hands the fans reacted with “yes, platonic best friends” and instead changed their view on soulmates or hand holding being romantic coded gestures. Which, fair, that’s true. But even so, Vmin is basically getting away with a lot while aslo seeimingly being careful and gradually doing things more and more.

We have staff and members tell us how close they are. So clearly they mean a whole lot to each other. That's why the odd moments don't seem to be them forcing themselves to do things they don't want. Why would they anyway when many ships in BTS don't? Vmin walk around holding hands when fans can't see but Jimin gets shy when touching for the sake of a game?

I think Ji/kook have a very open relationship and can joke and play a lot while they obviously also are very close and lean on each other a lot. But that being said, to me the way Vmin behave would just make more sense with Tae, Jimin and the members personalities and reactions to a possible hidden couple.

It can be general things or there can be small examples but looking at the whole, and in particular when both exist at the same time, Vmin is just more suspicious. That doesn't mean they have to be real, or that I can't have read them incorrectly, but that's just my view and basically what I think about the two ships. It's of course not very easy to compare any dynamics, and there are millions of moments that could be picked out to probably show the opposite. It's never going to be this easy as "compare this with this" because moments can have many other factors to being different than just who it's between. But this is at least my views most of the time.

To be clear, this is all my views and how I imagine a scenario of a hidden couple and how it might look like. It’s not to say one is better than the other, just different to how I view them. Also, I am of course biased towards Vmin and that for sure bleeds through. Ji/kook still have many other moments and narratives I might not consider as I simply know much more about Vmin.

Just some examples I see as different between the two pairs:

Jimin bold vs Jimin nervous

Ji/kook teasing and pushing vs Vmin soft and holding back

Members joke about dating vs Members friendzone

Touching without problem vs Hesitation

Soulbrother vs Soulmate

Contact name maknae vs Blue mold

JK joke about JM’s dick size vs Jimin brag about Tae’s dick size

Songs together vs Songs about each other

Hanging out openly vs Hanging out privately/secretively

Being allowed to release GCFT vs stopped from releasing the Christmas song

No problems in doing vlives together vs Literally kicking each other out of vlives.

Rainy day fight compared with romantic kdrama vs Dumpling incident downplayed and laughed off

Jimin openly flirting with jk vs Friendzoning/downplaying Vmin

Barely any hand holding unless for a reason vs Holding hands for no reason all the time

No vocalized willingness to work together vs Vocally wanting to be teamed up for songs/write songs for each other

No recorded moment of jealousy vs Go play with your Hwarang hyungs and the jealousy interview

Ji/kook never showing any indication of choosing to room together vs Vmin sharing rooms together when they get to choose themselves EVERY TIME.

Barely any staff accounts of Ji/kook closeness vs Many staff accounts of Vmin's closeness

Let's take the sharing rooms as another general example here. Vmin having shown preference to share a room many times now should be something we can accept they say because it's true. They want to and like to share, even in private it seems.

Meanwhile you have this conversation between Ji/kook where JK is joking about sleeping well while Jimin cried about not being allowed to share rooms. What kind of boyfriend would joke about their partner crying about not being allowed to share rooms?

Meanwhile both Tae and Jimin have spoken a lot about feeling lonely in their hotel rooms. And we also know they used to share up until at least early 2017. Jimin of course has been said to jump around and visit all members rooms a lot, but why would both of Vmin complain about being lonely? Why can't they just hang out? Why did Jimin say "using separate rooms isn't a good idea" and cried about it while being drunk?

This is a light version of some of the Vmin things we have and that seems oddly timed. There is a reason my analysis is over 200 pages long.

Personally what I see is both pairs being very close, and likely none of them are actually in a relationship. But if we look at behavior and the things they have said and done and the changes over the years. Yeah, Vmin still seems more suspicious to me. No matter how physically close Ji/kook look. I mean, have you all seen some of the fanservice other groups can do? I've even seen pairs kiss with tongue on stage in one of my Japanese idol groups.

Of course I can be wrong. But I just personally think Vmin's moments and weird behaviors makes more sense in the scenario of there being feelings or even a relationship to hold back when on camera. Tae even said “We told our candid stories as honestly as possible”. It's after all a big issue if there is a LGBT+ relationship to hide and not just a matter of being happily in love when their careers and the whole group might be at risk.

Let's BTS Vmin kind of sums it up for me. Tae being “bold” but actually not doing that much exept showing his bias towards Jimin, while Jimin is being nervous and the members friendzone them. It's a repeating behavior that just seems a bit weird considering all the things BTS have and can do between the members.

Anyways, thanks anon for worrying, but I am sure I will be fine no matter what the truth may be. I hope the same for you.

How did I end up writing this? I guess I have been playing so nice that other shippers don’t take it seriously when I say Vmin makes the most sense to me. I hope you all forgive me for this hopefully temporary lapse in judgement on my part and stay nice in the possible comments. Thanks for reading.

#vmin #vmin analysis #btsandvmin #btsandvmin ask #btsandvmin answer #bts shipping #vmin being real #shipping narratives #shipping vs believing #my post #shipping discourse

[thatgirlwhowritesbooks]

Take a good look at this moment. It’s what we’re probably going to be seeing for the rest of the season. Don’t be surprised if in the next few episodes:

-Ace becomes moody and bitchy toward Nancy

-He starts pulling away from her, both physically and emotionally

-He starts focusing more on his relationship with Amanda

Let’s face it: maybe in the heat of the moment he was, but ultimately, Ace is not mad at Nancy for handing that list over and endangering those people’s lives to save him. After all, it was GRANT who handed it over, and it was GRANT who never even considered NOT handing it over to begin with. Yet, Ace isn’t angry with Grant. He’s angry with Nancy. We need to be asking ourselves what the real reason is.

When Nancy joins Ace and Grant in the back room at The Claw and hands the list back to Ace, he seems fine with her. A little relieved, even, that she was able to get it back as promised. But then—THEN—he hears her make the comment in regards to Celia: “Now I owe her a favor.” That’s the precise moment he becomes distant. If you watch his reaction to hearing that, you can tell HE HATES THAT SO MUCH. He’s known all season long that Nancy has feared becoming like the Hudsons, and now she has just sold her soul to them. FOR HIM. And he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want to be the reason Nancy loses her integrity. He doesn’t want to be the reason she owes ANYTHING to the Hudsons. Because he cares deeply for her. And because he loves her—whether he knows it yet or not.

Also, Ace can’t be angry with her about the list. Had their roles been reversed in that scene, you CANNOT TELL ME he wouldn’t have done the EXACT SAME THING for HER. There’s no way he would have let her die. And he knows this. HE KNOWS IT. And I think now, after Nancy explains that she did what she did because she couldn’t lose him, he knows there’s something going on between them. He told her in ep 2x01 that he didn’t want to lose her. Now she’s telling him she CAN’T lose him. He sees how upset she is. He feels how tight her embrace is. His is just as tight. But he’s scared to death at what this could all mean, and I’m assuming that’s going to cause him to push Nancy away. Big time.

I just have a feeling there is about to be a lot of angst between them as Nancy (maybe even next episode) comes to a full realization that she’s in love with him and then has to deal with the fact that 1) he’s mad at her, and 2) he has a girlfriend that he seems to like a lot. And honestly, I can’t wait to see it all unfold!

Oh, and other shows take note: this is how you do a proper slow burn!

#nancy drew #ace x nancy #nancy drew cw #nace #nancy x ace #not sure i'll be getting over this anytime soon #again this is all just speculation #i literally can't with these two

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Serenade (Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader) Pt. 5

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Pairing: Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader (Gender neutral) Rating: T for language and mentions/references to an (emotionally) abusive relationship. Mild, brief violence. Warnings: TW for referenced emotional abuse, mild TW for possible physical abuse (sorry, angry Dani is not 100% gentle with people she doesn't love-love) Notes: Music for this chapter here. If you're following this story and really want to continue reading, but worry about the TWs for this chapter, just send me an anonymous message and I'll write up an alternative version of this post. It's not something I would do without it being requested, but it's also not a big deal so don't feel like you're bothering me if you want that. Previous Chapters: Pt. 1: Nocturne, Pt. 2: Overture, Pt. 3: Accelerando, Pt. 4: Tocatta

Chapter 5: Poco a Poco (Italian: Little by little)

Finding a schedule for lessons to follow proved to be an insurmountable task. Consistency was something that Daniela struggled with greatly, even when it came to things that she genuinely cared about. Things like ensuring you lived long enough to entertain her. Instead of working with you to find a balance that worked for both of you, the youngest Dimitrescu daughter seemed intent on doing things in her own time. Little by little. Which would have been fine, if the two of you weren’t restricted by time.

Fate wasn’t entirely unkind, however. There were still a few things that Daniella recalled from her “youth”, bits and pieces of musical theory, the bare basics of reading sheet music. Not having to teach her proper posture or the structure of a piano would save you a little bit of time. On top of that, you had been informed that, somewhere in the castle, there were a few books of sheet music you could borrow. Assuming you were eventually able to find them, that is. So far they had eluded you, but you hadn’t even had much time to search, as you were still expected to perform your usual Maiden-related tasks.

In the end, it was Daniela herself that proved to be the biggest obstacle in your way.

“Look,” Daniela said one day, barely ten minutes into a lesson, “I think we should take a break… maybe have some fun?” One of her hands is resting on top of yours, the other tucking your hair behind your ear. There’s a smirk on her lips, unsurprisingly, and she’s mere inches away from kissing you. If not for the heavy threat hanging over your head, you would have already thrown yourself into her arms. Instead, all you can do is sigh, turning away from her as you do. “Don’t be like that, sweet thing. C’mon, no one can hear us right now. Might as well enjoy ourselves.”

“Babe. Darling. Buttercup, honey, cute little button on a bear, you are not the brightest bulb in the lighting department,” you replied, holding the bridge of your nose between two fingers. Instantly Daniela is upset, giving you a (thankfully) playful smack on the arm. Before she can protest more you continue speaking. “Your family would not hear us making out, true, but they would definitely hear us not playing the piano. I’m pretty sure your mother already thinks I’m doomed to fail as a teacher, and the last thing I need is to give her a reason to drop the curtains this early into our performance.”

“First of all, I am not an idiot,” Daniela said, a bit of a growl to her voice. “Secondly, what harm can a few minutes really do? Don’t you think I’ve been working hard enough to earn a little reward?” Now she’s holding a finger under your chin, lifting it up, making sure you’re looking right at her. There’s no dissuading her, it seems, as she leans in for a soft kiss. This was one of the more frustrating aspects of dealing with (courting?) her; communication felt like a one-man play, except the audience was as likely to throw knives as rotten tomatoes. Whenever Daniela acted like this, pushing away your concerns in favor of her pleasure, it felt helpless to try and resist her.

So you kissed back, wrapped your arms around her, and hoped that she’d be more open to compromise afterwards. At least kissing her was nice. Even though it had only been a week since you first kissed her, she was already getting better, evidently learning through experience. The passion behind her movements had grown as well, leaving you a tad breathless. Regardless of her odd perception of romance, and her insistence that she knew best, you found yourself charmed by her. It was scary. Terrifying, really, how you felt yourself falling under her spell. Wait. Hadn’t you been in this sort of situation before?... Staying with someone who wasn’t good for you? Why were you kissing her? Why were you starting to tremble, tears in your eyes, mind falling down a slippery slope of memories?

By the time you snap out of it, you’re sitting on the floor, Daniela awkwardly kneeling by your side. What the fuck? You think, sniffling a little. Head spinning, mind reeling, you struggle to form coherent thoughts. Next to you Daniela is unsure of how to help. But she’s trying, sort of, one hand holding your own, the other gently rubbing your back. She’s saying something, the words going right over your head. Understanding her takes times, focus, like tuning an instrument until the pitch is just right.

“I don’t understand, we were only kissing, what happened? Can you even hear me? Is this your way of tricking me into not making out with you? Because that’s a total dick move and-” she rambles, only stopping when you give her hand a soft squeeze. Then she’s meeting your gaze, looking uncomfortable, shoulders tense. “You’ve been weird for a while. Distant. Like you don’t want to touch me anymore. Don’t you still love me?”

There’s real, honest pain in her eyes when she speaks. If the timing had been different… you’d have thrown your arms around her and covered her face in kisses, promising to hold her onto she felt better, promising that yes you cared. You cared so fucking much. But she’s making you exhausted; every second has to be focused on her, not you. Every moment of concern is flipped around until she’s the victim, or at least the one that needs comforting. You didn’t think that she even realized what she was doing. Well, you hoped that she didn’t, wanted to believe that if she understood she’d change.

“Remember the first day we kissed?... how you pulled me close, and I kissed you harder, and we started…. Remember how I made a move and you pushed me away? I’ll never forget the look on your face. I felt like shit afterwards. I should have asked before I tried anything,” you explain, letting go of Daniela’s hand so you could pull your knees to your chest. Somehow you can’t bring yourself to maintain eye contact with her- not right now, not when you could still remember what it felt like to be on her side of this story. “I don’t want to push your boundaries, or make you feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you like that.”

“Oh bullshit,” Daniela snarled, shocking you, before getting to her feet. Confusion doesn’t begin to describe how you feel in the moment as you watch her pace back and forth. Both her hands are clenched into fists, and she’s refusing to look at you. There’s a buzzing sound in the room, faint but growing louder, like she’s a split second away from entering swarm mode. “We’re a couple, aren’t we? Shouldn’t you be able to tell what I want? Shouldn’t it be obvious what I desire, when I’m pinning you to the wall and shoving my tongue down your throat? What more do you require?”

“Holy shit, Dani, I know communication isn’t your forte, but have you really not even considered talking to me? That’s simple, easy, literally the first thing that should come to mind!” You snapped, too in disbelief to keep your voice down. For a moment Daniela stops her pacing, turning to stare at you with narrowed eyes. If you weren’t so mad, you’d be convinced she was ready to kill you. But she doesn’t move to grab her sickle, or otherwise advance on you, instead groaning and tugging on her own hair in frustration.

“Because that’s not romantic, genius!” She replied. Some dots start to connect in your mind, but you lack the full context, as if looking at sheet music with no clefs or time signature. It’s not until Daniela continues that you really understand; and, by extension, realize just how ridiculous this whole mess is. “None of the books I’ve read involve conversations like this. People just… they just love each other! And figure it out as they go along, reading each other’s body language and facial expressions, inferring what they need to know through touches and reactions. Why can’t we do that?”

“This isn’t a fucking book, dumbass! I don’t have powers like you, I can’t just read your mind and figure out what you want. That’s not how relationships work! Communication is key. And you can’t just talk, you have to listen, hard, and understand,” you continued, still on the floor, heart pounding so furiously you thought it might leap from your chest at any moment. As angry as you are, you wonder if you’re being too loud, too angry, wonder if there was a better way to get through to Daniela. Before you can think of a solution the air is ripped from your lungs. Your “partner”/student is grabbing you by the front of your shirt, yanking you to your feet. Instinct makes you struggle against her, as useless as it is.

“I. Told. You. I’m not an idiot!” Her free hand comes up to your face, cupping your cheek for a moment, then pulling away just as fast. When it moves back up she’s gripping onto her sickle. The sharp edge ends up resting against your neck, the slightest movement threatening to cut you open. This is the most Daniela has ever openly threatened you, and in that moment all your anger melts back into fear, tears spilling down your cheeks. A flicker of something shows in her eyes, making you think that even she doesn’t like where this is going. “Give me one reason not to end this right now.”

“... I don’t… I can’t think. I… Why would you?” The words leave you in a rush, even with the pauses, and each syllable makes the sickle press into your skin a little more. There’s sure to be a cut there, though you can’t even begin to estimate how bad it is. The blade is sharp, clearly, and it hardly even hurts as it slices you. Thankfully the sensation doesn’t last long. Once you’re done speaking, Daniela’s grip loosens considerably, hand slowly letting your shirt go. Her other hand takes a few seconds to move, but eventually pulls away without any fuss. For a few seconds she just watches you, eyes filled to the brim with a rich sorrow, mouth open but unmoving.

“No lesson tomorrow. I need a break,” Daniela whispers, barely audible. Then she’s dusting herself off, no longer looking at you, and heading towards the exit. Just like the first time you met, she pauses in the doorway. “How’s that for communication, hmm?” When she laughs, it’s empty, forced. Part of you wants to stop her and ask if she’s okay.

Instead, you watch her leave, unspoken words tangling with your tongue until you almost can’t swallow.

Then your feet move, automatically, leading you to the piano. You sit down without thinking. You touch the keys without thinking. When you play, you play without thinking. It’s just a song, the world tells you, and you have no choice but to play. It’s not just a song, you know this, but you can’t think. Can’t argue against the personification of your isolation, or the embodiment of your trauma. All you can do is let yourself get lost in the music, softly, recalling lyrics from a forgotten time.

I’ve been running all my life, trying to find a place to hide ‘Thought that I had settled down, but I guess things are changing now Don’t make me go, don’t make me go Just don’t make me go, this feels like home

As soon as the last note fades out you stand, wordlessly, and leave. Your feet carry you down corridor after corridor, past maidens working, some of whom gasp when they see you. But you don’t stop, not even when you cross paths with Lady Bela, who eyes you with surprising concern. She doesn’t try to stop you, though, and you doubt you would have cared if she had tried. It’s not until you are within your shared room that you finally stop moving. It is there that you sit, shaking, finally pressing a cloth to your neck. Blood stains the fabric, first in just a few dots, then spreading out. There’s not enough to make you fear for your life, but there is enough to make you cry harder. Washing the wound will sting… so you don’t do that. Soon you will have to return to your work, and the thought puts pressure on your skull, summoning an all-too-familiar migraine.

When you close your eyes, you don’t mean to fall asleep, but that is exactly what you do. And when you dream, you do not wish for nightmares. You never do- and fate never denies you their company.

#daniela dimitrescu #daniela dimitrescu x reader #resident evil: village #re8 village #big oof in the chat for this one boys #introducing the secondary conflict #don't worry the next one will be happier :) #tw emotional abuse #we learn little hints of the reader's backstory here

[justoneday-namjoonii]

Quarters. | 9

☼1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 

prompt: “I don’t know why I’m crying, I just-...I really love you, like, just staring at you really fucks me up.” — soul-gazing

pairing: Jungkook x reader

warnings/au: please keep warnings in mind—dysfunctional relationship with a capital D, toxic relationship themes, but they’re attempting to get better, probably inaccurate therapy but i tried, m-ish, humor(i try), mentions of drug usage, cheater cheater pumpkin eater?, fluff, angst, boxer!au, iceskater!au. 

authors note: Hello!!💖it’s been a while since the last update but here we are. ✨This chapter is pretty long✨. Unlike some of the other parts, it is following the timeline of the previous part(pt. 8) so just keep that in mind. See m.list for other parts. Enjoy!🥰

“Do it again, you need to stop relying on your right leg so much!”

Your coach yells for the third time in the last hour, she’s being a tyrant today. Your poor ankles are about to break off, your legs are straining and the cold air is starting to feel like vengeful needles. It’s been about two months since the incident with your leg and the doctor at your last check up granted you freedom to skate again. You’re glad it did to because you were about to go crazy. After the scandal came out about you and your ex-coach judge, she asked you if you wanted to get back into pairs. She went on about how Lucas was open to joining pairs again and that maybe you could get back with him—tempting offer. You’ve thought about it, though you still haven’t made a decision. It has been months since your injury, you can no longer use it as an excuse to take things easy. 

Determined to get it right, you skate back to your starting point and try it again. You skate forward, bending your knees just slightly to gain more momentum and once you turn, you take off into a triple salchow. Perfect.

”Finally,” You mutter, skating over to the edge of the rink where your coach is just getting off a phone call.

“Okay, Lucas will be here on Thursday to practice with you,” She smiles, tucking her phone in her pocket, “there’s a competition in two months and I think you two should sign up for it.”

“Coach, I haven’t decided if I want to get back into that,” You put on your blade guards and walk over to the lockers, “I just don’t know yet.”

“Think about it,” She leans against the lockers as you untie your skates and put them in your bag, “if you’re seriously pursuing this career, you have to be flexible. You’re not getting any younger. I hate it just as much as you do but you’ll get positive exposure with him and maybe even pick up a sponsor for the season.”

“Fine,” You zip up your duffel bag and slip your hoodie on, deciding to leave the yoga pants on, “but I need a break. I worked a night shift last night so I’m only standing because I took three espresso shots and I’m about to take another one, I’m exhausted.”

“I know you are, try to get some rest this weekend. You’ll be at the ballet studio for half of next week so you won’t be on the ice,” She says that, hoping it’ll give you some relief, “just don’t forget to soak your feet tonight.”

You gather your stuff and walk out of the center, waving at Carrie the desk clerk like a zombie. It’s only 8 o’clock but you’ve been here for two hours, you feel like you’re in a time loop. An eternal warp created to keep you totally spent. When you hop in your car, you crank it up and turn the heat on. Not long after, your eyelids begin to feel heavy so you drive over to the closest coffee shop. When you look down at your phone, you see a missed call from Jeon Jungkook. All prior emojis have been removed from his contact.

His call will stay missed, just like the other five. You’re not in the mood for his sob story. About two weeks ago, you decided that you two needed to take a break but he took it hard. You remember sitting on your couch with crossed arms and staring at him as he twisted and squirmed uncomfortably.

“What kind of break?”

Are there different kinds?

“The kind where we stop seeing each other all the time, I don’t know what kind that is, Jungkook. But I can’t deal with this right now, it’s causing me major stress and anxiety...”

“You can’t deal with me?” He sounds hurt.

“Not with you Jungkook, with your crap. I have a ice skating career to try to work out, a job, school, the last thing I need to worry about is whether you can control yourself,” You frown, “you were just at my house with my niece and next thing I know you’re out getting high and fooling around with other girls.”

“You’re still upset about the photo,” He concludes, “baby, I told you, it didn’t go anywhere with that girl, I pushed her off. I wasn’t completely sober but I know I didn’t let her-”

“That’s exactly my point, you were doing drugs. And for what? You don’t need it. I understand a little bit of smoking every now and then but I can’t handle when you do that other stuff. That night was a disaster. I got stabbed, how does that even happen? But of course, it would happen to me,” You massage the sides of your temples. “I’m just over it, I’m tired.”

“You want to give up on us? Just like that? I’ve apologized a thousand times, I don’t know how to prove to you that I’m sorry,” He twiddles his fingers and bites at his bottom lip, “I don’t know what else to do.”

“I’m not giving up,” You defend, “we need some space to work on our selves.”

“Why can’t we work on ourselves together?”

“We’ve been doing that and it doesn’t work.”

The conversation continued on until you two ended up arguing for a good hour before you lied, saying you had to go to class. He left and you haven’t heard from him since, not a a call, a text, a call, not even a like on any of your recent posts. He’s taking this well.

*

“Why did you do that!? She’s gonna think I called her,” Jungkook snatches the phone from Jimin, “fuck, are you trying to get me killed?”

“Come on,” Jimin roles his eyes with a grin, putting his boxing gloves back on, “you guys can’t stay away from each other, you expect me to believe you two aren’t talking-”

“I’m serious, we haven’t talked for weeks,” Jungkook locks his phone with a frown, tucking it in his gym bag, “she’s done with me.”

“Oh, aw man,” He is serious, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you guys broke up.” 

He had been by you and Jungkook for the entirety of the relationship, it always seemed like you preferred things to be spontaneous. Admittedly, he knew Jungkook would do something that pushed you over the edge one day but he didn’t think it would be so soon. 

“We didn’t break up,” Jungkook mumbles, tying his hair back with a head band, “we’re just taking a break, that’s what she told me at least.”

“Aw, that sucks,” Jimin has to contain his amusement, it’s not funny but the fact that Jungkook is giving you full control over the relationship is unusual to him.

“Every time I think about trying to talk to her, I just remember that face she makes and that tone she uses. That’s when I know she does not give a single fuck, it’s scary.” 

“Is there a reason she’s being so hard on you? Don’t get me wrong, you were in the wrong. You shouldn’t have been there but it’s been weeks.”

“Her past relationship was rough on her mentally and emotionally. When she was young she had some things happen to her that causes her to have a hard time trusting others.”

“If you knew that then why did you do what you did?”

“I don’t know, okay? Everyone's been beating me up about it but I just don’t have an answer for you. I said I was sorry,” Jungkook shakes his head, fists making brunt contact with the punching bag, “I just I miss her,”

“It’ll be alright, she’ll come around,” Jimin holds the bag, keeping it still for the lovesick boy, “just give it some time. Hey, I’m taking my niece to the ice-skating rink in town, you should come!”

Jungkook, dramatically collapses to the ground, laying back on the ground with his boxing gloves on his face. “Ice-skating, why would you suggest ice-skating!?” He whines. “That’s literally what she does, it’s just going to remind me of her...”

“Aw Kook, I know,” Jimin can’t help but giggle at Jungkook’s overreaction, “that’s okay, you’ll be fine, and besides,” He pulls him up from the ground and pushes his shaggy hair back, “you can’t stay away from each other forever..”

“What about this one?” You step out of the dressing room, turning from side-to-side to let her see, “I like the color.”

“That’s the one,” Harmony scrolls through her phone, eyes going between you and the screen, “perfect.”

“Harmony, you’re just saying that!” You whine, turning to look into the mirror again with a frown.

“Y/n, this is the 11th dress you’ve tried on, it looks great. I’m serious.”

“Okay, I’ll go with this one then,” You smile, going back in the dressing room to change back into your clothes. Yuna’s having a party for the charity she works with. All of the money donated goes to buying toys and clothes for kids in foster care and orphanages, you attend every year. 

“You know, I heard Jungkook might come with Taehyung,”

Ugh, you forgot that your groups of friends are also friends. Jeon Jungkook, you still consider him your boyfriend in some aspects, but you don’t want to face him right now. Maybe you’re dragging this out too far but honestly, you don’t care. You love him but right now, you’re doing too well to let him crawl himself back into your life. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t creeping on his social media every now and then, you do care enough to see how he’s doing on there. 

“Hm,” 

“That’s all you have to say?” She giggles.

“Yup.”

“Did you officially dump his ass yet?”

You step out of the dressing room, rolling your eyes harder than necessary.

“Look, what happened to you was terrible. You couldn’t skate because of him. You caught him with another girl and you still let him take you home,” She was still bitter about Jungkook taking you away the way he did, she still thinks she should have insisted more.

You clear your throat, “I rather not talk about it.” 

It’s been admittedly awkward every time one of your friends bring that night up. On one hand, you understand why they bash him so hard but on the other hand, it’s hard to hear. You two leave the mall and grab lunch to eat in the comfort of your car..

During this break, you’ve decided to try and take things slow, relax. Admittedly, it would be nice to have Jungkook around again, to run errands with, to cuddle with. It’s hard not to miss him, you knew it would be. 

“We should go to the pop-up ice-skating rink on campus today, it’s a family thing I think,” Harmony squeezes ketchup onto her fries with a thoughtful him, “it sounds fun.”

“It’s funny you say that, Lucas invited me to go ther. He was going to go with his family, I told him I probably wouldn’t be able to.” You sigh.

“Oh, that’s right! The prince is back in town,” Harmony always had a thing for Lucas, even in high school. When you two were partners years ago, she still had a crush on him, “then we definitely should go. Are you getting back into pairs with him?

“Yeah, we’ll do one season together next year.” You have to admit, you are excited to get back into the practice with one of your best friends. 

“I’ll definitely have to brush up on my ballet lessons and I was always a bit too shaky during lifts. Our instructions used to say if I don’t look comfortable during lifts on the stable ground, I can’t expect to look good while I’m being lifted and Lucas is still skating. I trust Lucas a lot more now so I think it’ll go well,”

“Jungkook will love that.”

You take a bite of your chicken sandwich with a heavy sigh, “He’ll live...”

“Uncle,” Yona sits with her little brother in the back seat while they wait for Jungkook to finish pumping the gas, “why does your friend look so grumpy? Doesn’t he want to go skating with us?”

Jimin glances back at Yona and smiles, thinking of how he should explain Jungkook’s situation. “He’s just upset, he’s fine.”

“What is he upset about?” Jimin hesitates for a moment but Jungkook signals that he’s running inside for something.

“Well,” He turns to face her, “can you keep a secret?” She eagerly nods. “Kookie is a little sad because he misses his girlfriend.”

“Oh, what happened to her?” Yona frowns, fearing what Jimin might say.

“Nothing happened to her, he’s okay, they just haven’t seen each other in a long time,” He rakes his brain, trying not to say too much about Jungkook’s love life, “but it’s okay, he’s alright. Just try to understand, he’s not trying to be a grump, he’s just a big teddy bear who pretends to be tough when he’s sad,” He grins, “but don’t tell him I said that.”

“Oh,” She nods adorably, pitying Jungkook, “I won’t,”

in the nick of time, Jungkook comes back with a receipt and mumbles something about the poor management in the convenience store. Jimin notices how Yona looks at him with sympathetic eyes but Jungkook doesn’t seem to notice. He’s too wrapped up in his phone to see that a 9-year-old is pitying his dysfunctional love-life.

It doesn’t take long before the four of them arrive at the skating rink and Jimin is helping, Juda, Yona’s sleepy 5-year-old brother out of the car. Yona takes the liberty of escorting her self out and walking over to Jungkook.

“Hi,” She looks up at him, not even a little intimidated by his towering stature over herself.

Jungkook looks around, as if she’s talking to someone else. “Hi,” He gives her a small wave, “it’s Yona, right?”

“Yes,” She nods, walking by his side, “uncle said your girlfriend skates, do you skate too?” 

Jungkook mentally cringes, bracing himself for whatever Jimin told this little girl about his personal life. “No, I’m a boxer, she’s the skater.”

“Ahh, ice skating is prettier than boxing, you should ice skate too,” She looks back at Jimin and Juda walking side by side, wondering if she should walk with them or stay with Jungkook. Just when she was about to further judge Jungkook’s life choices, Jimin and Juda catch up. Jimin leads the four of them to the skate rental booth where Jungkook avoids eye contact with the girls behind the counter. It’s hard enough to be in your environment, let alone be surrounded by couples and families skating to their hearts content. It’s not the same without you, it doesn’t feel like he should even be trying to enjoy himself after what he did to you.

Jimin and the kids get their skates on, but Jungkook tells them to go ahead without him. The more he sits here, the less he wants to be here.

*

“We decided to come and skate for a little bit, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to take your invitation, I didn’t think I’d be able to come.” You and Harmony skate out onto the ice.

Lucas stands at the edge of the rink, smiling. “It’s okay, I’m here with my family so don’t sweat it, hey! You wanna practice a routine, for old time sake?”

“There are way too many people to be practicing a routine. Besides, I’m already sore from practice yesterday.”

“Where’s your boyfriend? I thought you told me he skates with you sometimes,” He skates a circle around you, a toothy grin on his face, “I want to meet him.”

“He was busy,” You lie. You don’t know where Jungkook is or what he’s doing, “It’s just us.″

Somehow, he believes you and skates off with his family while you breathe.

“You lie,” Harmony shakes her head as if to say shame on you.

“What was I supposed to say? I’m not gonna burden him with my personal problems.”

You two go back and forth until she surrenders, claiming she’ll leave you a Jungkook’s relationship out of her mouth for the rest of the day. You highly doubt she can but you appreciate the effort. 

Nononononono—why is he here? And blonde. Your eyes widen, your palms get sweaty, just seeing him affects you. You’ve missed him. Judging by the way he’s sitting on the bench with his skates beside him, he looks sad. Who is he here with? 

”Y/n, Harmony, hey!” Jimin skates over to you with two little kids by his side, they’re so cute. “What’re you two doing here?”

”Jimin? Hi, fancy meeting you here, we decided to come last minute,” You’ve connect the dots now, “who are these two cuties?”

“I’m babysitting my niece and nephew,” He holds both of your hands and the both of them say a shy little greeting, “say hello guys,”

“Hi,” Yona waves at you two and you greet her with a bright smile.

Jimin glances back at Jungkook who has yet to notice you. “Y/n, can I talk to you for a minute?” You nod.

“Harmony can you please watch them for a second?”  “Me? Um, I guess but-”

You skate to the edge of the rink and Jimin follows, you already anticipating what this conversation is about.

“Jungkook is here.”

“I know, I saw him,” You deadpan.

“Look, I know what happened between you guys and he probably doesn’t want me to say this, but he’s been the biggest bitch since you two split, I’ve never seen him so at odds with himself.”

“What am I supposed to do about that? That’s not my fault.” You frown.

“I’m not saying that you need to do anything,” Now he understands what Jungkook meant about your infamous tone. “I just wanted to let you know, I figured you haven’t talked.”

“I’m sorry,” You hold your face in your hands, “I’m not trying to be mean, I just have a lot on my mind and I wasn’t expecting to have to deal with him today.”

“Maybe you two can talk, I’m not saying you should get back together but maybe talking face to face will help you find common ground?”

That’s advice that you know you should take but the thought of talking to him makes your stomach uneasy. It’s easier to ignore him, erase him from your life while you figure out what you want. You’re very childish in the aspect of talking things out, he is too.

“Here he comes,” Jimin looks over at Jungkook who is slowly approaching you two, “I’ll give you two some space-”

“Jimin, I swear, if you did this on purpose!-” Your threat is cut short when he skates away and Jungkook skates up to you. As if you don’t even see him, you quickly skate away, uninterested in anything he might have to say.

Jungkook knows he can’t possibly out-skate you. He mumbles a few curses before skating over to Jimin and the kids as frustrated as ever. For a moment, he almost changed course because Harmony, his biggest hater, is with them and she is one of the last people he wants to see.

“Jungkook, hey,” Jimin sighs, dreading the angry frown in Jungkook’s brows, “I’m glad you decided to-”

“Did you know she was here?” Jungkook cuts straight to the punch, not paying any mind to Harmony whose staring at him as if he’s a mass murderer.

“No,” Jimin shrugs, voice low in order not to alarm the kids who are skating near by, “you know I would have told you.”

“I’ll be in the car.” He skates off, anxious to get off the ice but he’s stopped when another skater bumps into his shoulder.

“Sorry!-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jungkook shrugs, but just when Jungkook was about to leave the guy gives him a weird look. 

“Wait, what’s your name? You look so familiar,”

“Jungkook,” He responds with a bit of impatience, “I don’t think I know you from anywhere, sorry-”

“You’re Y/n’s boyfriend! She showed me some of her pictures pictures,” Lucas smiles but Jungkook’s eyes darken, “I’m Lucas, we’re competing in pairs again next season, I’m sure she’s told you.”

“Oh, I didn’t know, probably slipped her mind,” You haven’t mentioned it on purpose. Then again, how could you? You haven’t talked in weeks.

Just when he thought this day couldn’t get any worse, he meets your partner, and he’s not ugly,

“She said you couldn’t come because you were busy, did you come to surprise her?”

“Something like that- I’m sorry, I gotta go.”

“Okay, well...nice to meet you,” Lucas waves him off but Jungkook doesn’t pay him any mind. 

He thought this might go differently, why did he think that? As soon as he saw you, that tug in his heart came back, that desire to be around you came back. When you walked away, it made him feel like crap, you didn’t even want to look at him.

While he’s skating off to the side to leave the rink, he sees you taking off your personal skates and putting them in their bag. Of course, your caddie is right next to where his heavy black boots are. He enters the room opens the caddie with the little pass-code they gave him when he rented the skates. You spare him a glance as you tie your sneakers and he sits to get his shoes on.

“Did you have to ignore me like that?” He decides to speak up.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” You frown, “I don’t even know why you’re here.”

“Since when did you start caring where I go?” He bites back. “You’ve been ghosting me for fucking weeks and suddenly I’m not allowed to go out?”

“I didn’t want to see you...I was doing so good, I was forgetting about you.” You lean back, not giving him eye contact.

”Wow, just what I wanted to hear,” He thought you would say something like that but he didn’t expect you to be so blunt. 

“You can’t say you’re surprised, can you?”

“No, but the least you can do is talk to me.”

”Fine, that’s fair. What do you have to say?” You stand to your feet, your bag tight in your hand/

”Believe it or not,” He gets up to lean on the wall behind him, “I love you, so I'm letting you drag me along and make all of the rules but I’m just asking that you communicate with me, I need to know what you want,” He tends to ask this question when he’s most desperate for your good side to emerge.

“Why don’t you tell me what you want? I’m not the one going around making decisions that hurt our relationship, not recently anyway.” You throw a jab at him, you couldn’t contain it anymore.

“If you’re trying to make me feel like shit, you’ve succeeded. You’ve been succeeding for weeks now, it’s actually starting to get to me, mentally.” As he says that, an unsuspecting few individuals come in to get there things.

“Can-” You pause and walk over to him to eliminate the awkward distance, “Can we talk about this somewhere else?”

His spirits brighten a little because at least you’re interested in continuing the conversation, you haven’t even attempted to do that until now. So when he stutters out an “okay”, his feet move as soon as yours do. He’s walking right next to you and you find yourself keeping your arms crossed, away from his hands that you would normally be holding. By the time you walk out to the rink, Jimin is still with the kids and Harmony is gone, probably in the restroom. You find a secluded area near the concession area and take a seat, he does the same right across from you. 

“Do you want to break up?” 

He puts it out there. He’s never been the one to hesitate, especially when his heart is on the line.

“What do you mean?” You swallow, not expecting to be confronted with that question.

He almost scoffs because you’re having a similar reaction to his reaction to you telling him you wanted to take a break.

“Do you not want to be in a relationship anymore? If this isn’t something you’re willing to do anymore, I need you to tell me so I can grieve in peace...I feel really lost right now.”

“Grieve? I’m not going to die if we break up, Jungkook, and I never said I wanted to break up—I never said I didn’t love you either. That’s not what this is about, it’s not about whether we love each anymore, it’s about trust.” 

“How can I gain your trust?”

You look around, making sure no one is listening in on you two before mumbling out your answer. “I don’t know...I just don’t trust you, I can’t tell you how to make it up to me because people who screw me over, I normally stay as far away from them as I can.”

All you can think about is the lies from your birth-mother, the betrayal and humiliation that came over you when you found out about your ex. Situations like that always come to mind when the subject of trust is mentioned. You’ve been hurt and Jungkook knows that, he knows when you feel like you can’t trust someone, you shut down. You want nothing to do with that person, your pain blinds you—its your character flaw.

“You’re lucky I’m even talking to you right now,” You mumble, nibbling at your bottom lip.

“Yeah, I know.” He scoffs, a look of disbelief that turns into an understandable shrug of his shoulders. 

“I’ve always thought of you as someone I didn’t deserve, you know that,” He glances down at his twiddling fingers, “when we got together, you changed me and I’m so grateful for that...I was such a shitty person before I met you- I mean, I’m sure you think I’m shitty now but I was way worse.” It surprises you when you see tears welling at his eyes that he quickly wipes away, tattooed fingers getting a bit wet.

“Jungkook,” You lay a hand over his with sympathetic eyes, “I still love you.”

“Seriously?” He glances up at you, surprised. 

“Yes...You hurt me, you made me feel stupid and I’m not over it...But I never forget those times where I made life difficult for you, you never made me feel irredeemable. No matter how awful I acted, you never made me feel like a burden. That’s more than I can say about a lot of people in my life.”

The more you talk this out with him, the more you realize how harshly you’ve been treating him. It doesn’t change how you feel about your relationship, but it does open your eyes to the standard you’ve been holding him to. You don’t know if you’re ready to start again.

“Well, I have to be honest with you,” He looks at you through his dirty blonde locks, “it still hurts like hell to have you treat me like a stranger. That shit is painful, even for me.”

“I’m sorry,” You murmur out an apology before you can really think about it, “I’m just upset at you is all...” Slowly, you take your hand off of his and your eyes wander back to his dear-like eyes. 

“Everyone’s telling me I should let you go but I don’t want to. I just need to know that you’re willing to wait for me, and to work on yourself...”

“I’ll do anything, I’ll do whatever it takes for us,”

Shortly after that day, you found yourself thinking more and more about your future. It made you cringe at one point, what were you planning to do with the rest of your life? Whatever you planned to do, you always imagined Jungkook would be by your side. Now, you’re coming to terms with the fact that things may not go as planned.

“Y/n, are you ready?” Lucas calls your name from outside of the dressing room.

”What are you doing in here? This is the woman’s locker room,” You open the door, now fully dressed in your new leotard.

”We’re the only ones here,” Lucas stands with a matching outfit, far less sparkly as yours.

”Why does she always pick these leotards for me? You always get the toned down looks-” You walk over to the mirror, furrowing your brows, “Oh, actually, this one is kinda nice.”

“She knows you’re the most dramatic out of the two of us, maybe that’s why,” He shrugs his shoulders before quickly running back out into the ballet studio. Your least favorite part of your career is the ballet lessons, it’s the most grueling.

“Come on out, Y/n, we only have the studio for the morning so we need to use our time wisely.”

“Sorry,” You walk out with an urgency, “the costume fits okay, a little snug but it’s doable.”

Coach gives you a knowing look, she’s been floating the idea of a diet around. As committed as you are to your craft, dieting is one thing you don’t think you need to do well. You try to stay fit but sometimes you’re more concerned about your dwindling love life than you dress size. The ballet instructor emerges from around the corner and you cringe, the next few hours are about to be painful. 

Yet, as the class progresses, your thoughts drift farther from the positions and you find yourself zoning out completely.

*

*

At one point in time, you couldn’t imagine being without Jungkook. Out of all of the people who’ve come and gone out of your life, he stayed. He became your best friend and your first love.

“I don’t want to be here anymore, please, just let me go home,” You sat on the hotel room floor, hair pin in your hands and a painfully cold ice bag on your ankle, “...I can’t go back out there.”

She stands with crossed arms, her unchanging expression not doing anything for your emotional state.”Y/n, you are a professional, and do you know what professionals do?”

”No.”

“They finish the competition, no matter what. You need to stay for the judging, “

“Why? I fell on my biggest jump on live television. Cindy. I look like an amateur...There’s no way in hell they’ll even consider placing me. That means I’m done for, I might as well kiss nationals goodbye.”

”That was the last program, you still have a chance-“

”Not after Charlotte’s routine! You said it yourself, I had to be flawless or Charlotte would take my spot in the qualifying team, there was no room for error. This is the one time it had to be perfect...” You use the bed to help you up and you sit down n the edge of it.

”It won’t be perfect every time. You work harder than any girl I know, and not just in this sport, you work hard at whatever you do and you support yourself, you’re the only girl I know who’s parents aren’t paying for you to be here. You deserve to be here, you made one mistake, one. It’s not the end of the world, sweetheart,” Cindy takes a seat beside you, a comforting hand going to your shoulder, “these things happen.”

You take a deep breath, trying to calm down and think rationally. Cindy is trying her best to talk you off of the ledge but you’re very much still there. She says you work so hard, but what do you have to show for it? You’re doing this alone a majority of the time. Your family only comes to support you sometimes, they don’t have a lot of free time to spend on your hobby. Your iceskating is a glorified hobby to them, they won’t say it but it’s true. After they told you to pick a major and find a good paying 9-5, they stopped paying for your iceskating. They’re paying for school but that’s it, you’re supporting yourself in every other aspect. That gave you all the reason to try to prove to them that you were an exceptional athlete. To prove to them that you did it all on your own, that’s your only goal. Yet, the more you reach for that, the farther you get from it.

”Listen, I need to check on the other girls, alright? I hope you reconsider.” She pecks your forehead, a motherly affection that you’ve come to appreciate from her. She is like a mom in some ways. She cares for the entire team, and she would never say it, but she has a particular soft spot for you. She can see how much you want this, how the ice can take you to a different place.

You were meant to do this, she always tells you that. She saw the fire in you as soon as she accepted you on her team. Your passion attracted her to you, you never stopped, you had so much drive. Some people are meant to fight tooth and nail for what they want, sometimes you have to ask yourself, why do I have be one of those people?

Ignoring your better judgment, you packed your bags and took the 2-hour drive back to your apartment. All while you were fleeing the city to seek refuge at home, you received multiple phone calls from Jungkook but you couldn’t bring yourself to call him back. When you got home, you took off your tracksuit and sank face first into your coach. 

As much as you wanted Jungkook to come to the competition, you insisted that he stay and take that job. He hasn’t been boxing as much so any extra art job he can take, you encourage him to take it. He told you he’d streamed the competition while working on the mural at a nearby bar. His heart sank when you took that fall.  You put hours of practice into that routine and perfected it, he had seen you do it flawlessly several times. 

All he wanted to do was hug you and tell you that you did well but all he could do was hope that you weren’t beating yourself up. He could only imagine how devastated you were and to not be able to be there for you, he couldn’t stand it. He finished up the mural and you had finally texted him saying, ‘I came home early.’ He went straight to your apartment with the big pink bunny he bought for you, you need it even more now.

”Hey, it’s me,” He opened the front door and announced himself softly and walks further inside. 

The television barely illuminates the living room but he sees you laying on the couch. He sits the bunny down behind the couch so you can’t see them before walking around to greet you in your depressing state.

“I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow, baby,” He rests a hand on thigh and kisses your cheek, “you must’ve known how much I was missing you,” His attempt to make you smile goes painfully unnoticed. 

He bites at his bottom lip in thought. “Did something happen?...”

You swallow the lump in your throat and finally look him in the eyes, “Did you watch my second program?” 

“I did, you looked beautiful-”

“I’m quitting.”

He turns his whole body to you, brows deeply furrowed like a cartoon character. “What?”

You cover your face with a pillow, successfully hiding your tears, “I’m calling Cindy to tell her I don’t want to do it anymore, I quit.”

“Woah, wait, why?” He takes the pillow from you to see your face, “Y/n, calm down, what’s going on? Tell me what happened.”

“I- I didn’t make the national team, that was my only chance until next year. All my hard work went down the drain and everyone saw me screw up..” You wipe your tears with your sleeve.

“Hey, it’s okay, you cry if you need to,” He pulls you into a hug, cradling your head to his chest, “I know this is tough for you but it’s not the end of the world, it’ll get better.”

You pull away from him as if he were suddenly hot to the touch and bury your face into the arm of the couch. “You wouldn’t understand, the pique of my career was riding on this, and I blew it. It feels like the end of my world, okay?” 

You know your words are muffled by the couch, that’s probably for the better anyway. “T- that’s just how I feel...” 

He doesn’t pry any further after that. He knows there’s not much he can say to change your mind right now. Instead, he scoots closer to your side and places a comforting hand on your back, rubbing soothing circles as he waits for you to continue.

“I have nothing if I lose this, there’s all this pressure on my shoulders and its tearing me apart...” You turn to wipe your face and sit up. “I love skating, it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do...if I stop, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”

You’ll never forget that night. 

He lifted you into his lap and kept his arms tight around you. “You’re so much more than just your skating. You’re so good at but it’s not all that you are.” Jungkook has a way of talking you off of the edge but that night, you were especially down on yourself.

“Yes it is...” 

“No it’s not,” He sighs, “look, I know what it feels like to find your identity in something and then all of a sudden, that something is gone...When my portfolio got rejected, I felt like a failure. My family never got behind the boxing thing, so I’ve always tried to find another way to support myself just in case for whatever reason it doesn’t work out...I didn’t start realizing that until recently. I’m constantly torn between giving up one dream for the other but I want to do both, you actually inspire me to do both.” You furrow your brows, briefly abandoning your own issues to listen to him. 

“You work so hard and you’re showing your family that you can do this, you just have to believe in yourself, and you know what? You’re doing amazing. Tonight was just a bad night, it happens.” He squeezes you tight and you do the same, arms fastened around his neck as if it would kill you to let go.

You didn’t need to say anything after that. You settled your mind and you were no longer at the edge, you were still close, but not there. With your head resting over his shoulder, you try to peek over the couch to see what he dropped back there when he walked in.

“Hey, what’d you think you’re doing?” Jungkook leans forward and your grip around him is loosened so you can no longer look back there. “You think I got something for you?”

You look down a bit embarrassed that he caught you, “Well, yeah...you did,  didn’t you?” You smile for the first time tonight and he breathes a sigh of relief. Finally.

He was going to tease you for wanting your gifts even though you just had a meltdown. But how could he? He wants to keep this smile on your face for as long as possible.

“Sit,” He lifts you off his lip and back to your previous seat on the couch, “no peeking.”

You hold your hands over your eyes, excited even thought have no idea what it might be.

“Okay, open.”

When you move your hands to see you squeal in excitement. “Oh, Jungkook! It’s so cute!” You stand up to take the pink bunny that’s almost more than half your size. “Thank you,” You lean into him with the bunny between you two, “it’s so big and soft, like you.”

“Yeah I know,” He sways from side-to-side with you in his arms, “you feeling better?”

You muffle your sigh into the stuffed animal, “I still wanna quit.”

“Oh stop,” He pulls the from your grip and tosses it onto the couch, “you’re just being bratty now,”

“No I’m not,” You whine, the issue still very fresh, “I’m still sad...I just really like my gift and I’m happy to see you...But I am still upset.”

“Aw, I’m sorry,” He lays on the couch and beckons you into his arms to lay on his chest, “let’s cuddle you until you feel better then, will that help?” 

“Maybe...”  

You’d be lying if you said you could live without that side of him.

*

A few days later, you’re surprised you hadn’t heard from him. But when you get back from the gym with a missed call from him and a solemn text to  ‘call back when you can’, you actually call him back.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, nothings wrong. Thank you for calling me back.” 

His voice sounds relaxed but a bit anxious.

“Did you need something?” You sigh, pouring your boiling water in your mug.

“Are you free to go with me somewhere at 11? And then maybe, we could grab dinner? Just-...Don’t be mad, please.”

Anxiety bubbles in your chest.

“What’re you talking about?”

“I signed us up for couples therapy.”

“You did what?” Somewhere in your mind, you had wanted him to bring this up—you never imagined that he actually would.

”You said we don’t know how to work on ourselves together, I read that therapy helps with that. Will you go with me? If you don’t like it, you never have to do it again I swear.”

“Jungkook...I appreciate the effort, I really do, but how did you find this therapist? Do you trust them?”

”Of course. He has great reviews online and my-...Well, my mom found him actually.”

You pause, a bit taken aback. He talked to his mom about your relationship and he took her advice about seeing a therapist? He must have really taken your words to heart about getting help.

“Can you pick me up?”

“Sure, I’ll be there in 20.”

When he picked you up, you were reminded just how well he could clean up. Sure, he always dresses so well and smells amazing, but he’s different today—you can tell he put in a lot of effort. You’re glad you decided to do your makeup and where a nice sundress, you would have felt terribly under-dressed.

“Hi, how can I help you?

“Hi, we have an appointment for Jeon at 5, with Seojoon.”

You stand next to Jungkook at the front desk, your hands tightly clutching your purse. It’s hard to not think the woman is judging you and Jungkook for being here. She’s probably seen hundreds of people come into this office but something in you can’t shake the feeling. She directs you two to the waiting room and says he’ll come get you two in a few minutes.

“So,” You begin, glancing at Jungkook, “I’m nervous...” 

“Me too.” This is new for the both of you. In only a few seconds, who you assume to be Seojoon emerges from the hallway and you look at him a bit wide-eyed. 

“Hi, Jungkook, Y/n, are you two ready?” 

“Oh, um, yes.” You stand up in sync with Jungkook, already wanting to run out of here but you resist.

You have to admit that the office is really nice, not stiff and sterile looking, the energy is very calming. Seojoon opens the door to a cozy-looking room with tons of natural sun light. There’s warm-rose colored couch that you assume is for ‘the couple.’

“Alright, you can take a seat right there, make yourselves comfortable.” He smiles, taking a seat and you two do the same.

“So let’s get right into it. What brought you two here today? If you could both tell me your separate answers, that would be great.” Despite Seojoon looking at you directly to presumably go first, you divert your eyes and look at Jungkook to say something first.

“Well, we’re- I think we’re going through a lot right now and I just want to save our relationship.” Jungkook sits back, resting against the arm of the couch as he gazes at you to give your answer.

“What about you, Y/n?”

You glance down at your lap, feeling very out of your comfort zone and not confident enough to verbalize what you would like to say. Alas, you try.

“I feel the same way, we’re not in a good place and I’m confused about what to do-...I just want what we used to have.” You confess a bit of your true feelings but ignore the longing look Jungkook gives you.

“When did you start feeling like the relationship was changing?”

“Fairly recently. We were fine, at least I thought we were until I saw him with another girl back in an old lifestyle that I thought he gave up...”

Seojoon diverts his attention away from you and to Jungkook. “Jungkook, do you want to share a little bit about that?”

“Not really,” He answers honestly at least.

“Why not?”

“To be honest, I don’t know why she keeps throwing the same jab at me. I’ve told her the truth but she doesn’t want to hear it. I went out that night,” He almost glares at you, “I didn’t plan to. I ran into an old friend and I just-...I thought it was harmless and I got caught up...” 

Seojoon scribbles something down. “Okay, so can you fill me in a little bit. Are we talking about unfaithfulness? Addiction?”

“Unfaithfulness,” You interject. “he said he didn’t cheat on me but...” You mumble, your confidence faltering for some reason. “It’s hard to believe that.”

“But you think he did so you have some distrust. Were you unfaithful, Jungkook?”

“It doesn’t matter if I say I did or I didn’t, she thinks I did.” He shrugs.

”Y/n,” Seojoon puts an end to the death stare you had on Jungkook, “can you tell Jungkook what cheating looks like to you?”

”Not sleeping with her doesn’t mean you didn’t cheat on me. Letting her put her hands on you- And I don’t care if it was just a kiss! You shouldn’t have been in that situation, and for me to have to see it on social media? I could have killed you I was so mad. You should ask Jungkook what cheating is to him. We obviously have different standards for defining it...”

”What does cheating look like to you, Jungkook?” He heeds your suggestion without any push-back.

”To me,” He hesitates, feeling a bit scrutinized, “it’s when a person violates the intimacy of the relationship by giving it to someone else.”

“What kind of intimacy?”

“Emotional, physical, every kind,” He turns to you, “I wouldn’t do thingst that I do with Y/n with anyone else, not by choice-”

“Yes you would! You did...Are you trying to tell me that you were assaulted? That she forced her way on you?”

“I was blitzed! I don’t fucking know. All I do know is that she got on top of me and I pushed her off. That’s it. I swear, if anything else happened, I don’t remember it.”

“I don’t care. You know what I’ve been through, to even allow another girl to even get close to touching you like that...It was a slap in the face.”

Seojoon’s ears perk up at the mention of your past. “Did you have to go through a similar situation in a previous relationship?” 

“Yes and he knows this. I was being cheated on before and the guy had a literal baby on the way throughout our entire relationship...It was traumatizing.” It stings his ears to hear you say that. But it’s true, he knows your past and he didn’t let it stop him. 

“What happened must have triggered you,” You nod to yourself, “but you’re here to try to work through forgiveness and build trust. If you two are comfortable with it, I’d like you do do two exercises; one here and one when you’re alone. The first one that you’ll do here, I need you to face each other, preferably close, and I have some questions for you two to ask each other.”

“Like this?” Jungkook answers instantly and turns to you, getting closer to you than he has in weeks. You face him slowly, eyes wavering a bit. His face has always been a soft-spot for you, staring at him makes you feel weak.

“Actually,” Seojoon stands up, gesturing for you to do the same, “two chairs might be more comfortable, yeah? Let’s go to my other room.”

You follow Seojoon to a small room with three chairs a small table in front of them. Jungkooks pulls seat out so they’re facing each other. When you look up to acknowledge him with deliberate eye-contact, for a moment he thinks you might be softening. 

“I want you all to start with ‘I’ statements, tell your partner how you feel or how you felt in this case. Try to maintain eye-contact and truly listen to each other.”

“I’ll go first,” You volunteer because you want to get this over with.

“I feel alone and helpless when you go back to your old habits, I feel like you’re hiding things from me...” You find a way to keep your eyes-locked to his. 

“I’m not asking you to be perfect but I just want you to make me feel special to you...Like you wouldn’t dream of being with someone else. Because I don’t think of loving anyone else, and trust me I’ve tried to imagine it but I can’t,” You bite your cheek to keep from crying, “you make it so hard to trust you. You don’t listen and you don’t change until it’s too late.” 

Being emotionally inept is something you are both too good at. It’s difficult for you to share your true feelings with a clear mind, but when you do, you can never guess what will happen next. 

“I feel trapped by you. I know I fucked everything up, okay? You don’t have to keep reminding me.” His tone is harsher than you anticipated. 

“I’m trying to put in the fucking effort to help us, and I’m giving you time. But when you tell me you still want me but you won’t even let me come around, it’s confusing. You’re confusing, that’s just how I feel.” His brows furrow and you notice Seojoon watches the exchange intently.

“But I miss you and I want you back, I don’t want to take a break,” He leans forward with his hands firmly gripping your knees over your dress, “I know you think I’m an asshole but I try to change, I’m trying, you know I wouldn't bring you to this if I could think of any other way to prove that to you.” The strain in his voice only stirs more emotions inside of you. 

“Jungkook,” Seojoon calls his name softly and Jungkook looks over as if he forgot he was there, “try not to engage in any physical, okay? It can be overwhelming.”

“Sorry,” He takes his hands from you and sits back, “that’s all I want to say.” 

“Alright, well, um,” Seojoon clears his throat, eager to break the tension up a little bit, “unfortunately our session is up but I want to give you two a list of exercises and talking points. I know this was a consultation appointment but I want to give you some things to work on at home. I’ll have Kelly type up your homework, alright?”

“Okay, thank you,” you both thank the therapist but you get up with an urgency and leave the room before Jungkook can follow you. When you make it out to the waiting room, you spot the bathroom and you bolt to it. Before you have to spend a car ride with him, you need to get your emotions together. 

“Mr. Jeon,” The receptionist calls him from the hall, “this is for you, you can bring it back to the next appointment for a discount.” Jungkook halfheartedly thanks her before going to the car. He doesn’t even know if there will be another session. He needs to smoke before you come out and you’ll freak if he smokes while you’re in the car. 

“Why did I come here...” You look at the mirror and frown, you look so rough. It was nice to get everything out in the open but you knew he’d get intense eventually. Only when the toilet flushed did you remember that there were multiple stalls in here. When you look away from the mirror to fumble through your purse, just trying to avoid talking to her. 

”Hi, how are you?”

“I’m okay, how are you?”

“Oh god, nervous, I’m nervous. Me and my husband, we’re newly weds, our appointment is in five minutes and I really don’t know what to expect. Did you have an appointment with your partner?”

“I did,” You sigh, “it was-...It was fine, don’t be nervous.” In your attempt to comfort her, you find your self in a highly hypocritical position. “Me and my boyfriend, we’re different so ours was a little- A little chaotic but I think it helped a little,” You hesitate, “I don’t know.”

“That makes me feel a little better, hopefully my husband behaves himself,” She tosses her wavy brown hair over her shoulder and smiles, “well, it was nice meeting you.”

It takes you a moment but you gather the strength to wave goodbye and go face your boyfriend.

”Excuse me, Miss, I think your husband forgot to grab this.” The receptionist waves you over and hands you a little folder.

”Oh,” You try to hide the blush forming on your cheeks.  he’s not my- We’re not married.” 

”Oh, I’m sorry! He only put his last name on the appointment so I thought it was your name as well. Sorry about that, have a great rest of your day.” She bids you farewell with a flustered smile.

When you walk outside, you see Jungkook leaning against the car. You thought he might’ve been smoking but you can’t detect any small. That’s a relief.

”You feeling okay?” He questions gently. 

You nod, hopping in the car with the desire to be home already. He gets in the car and glances at you from the corner of his eye, he worries that this might have been too much for you. 

“Where do you want to eat?” 

“There’s a ramen place down the street, that’s fine with me.” You suggest, eyes trained on your phone.

The air in the car isn’t tense or stiff, its just quiet. There’s a lot to unpack from the session and you figured Jungkook was thinking through it too. That’s why when you two arrived at the ramen shop, took your seats, and placed your orders, the silence was getting to be a bit too awkward for you.

“I like the new hair, you’ve never gone this blonde before,” You glance up at him, trying to start a conversation, “it looks good.”

“Thanks, it was an impulsive thing. I heard you decided to get back into pairs,” He brings the coke to his lips, “I was surprised to hear that.”

“Oh, yeah,” You figured he would find out soon, “I’m back with Lucas for the season.”

“Good for you,” That’s not a reaction you were expecting from anti-pairs-skating Jungkook. Then again, you know him well enough to know that he’s probably keeping his true opinion to himself.

“The receptionist gave this to me,” You pull the paper out of your purse and show it to him, “I think it has additional information.”

“Let me see,” You hand it to him, “hm, soul-gazing? What the hell is that...” He reads over the description and it makes him giggle. “Nonverbal communication between lovers, allows couples to explore intimate places in the relationship. We do this already, but it’s a little more than eye contact,” He recalls those dreamy moments that he used to share with you so often, gazing at you with a smile.

“We can try that later maybe,” You avoid his smile with a glance out the window.

“Okay. So, about the session today, I hope you understood where I was coming from...I didn’t expect to say all that, I’m sorry if it was too much.”

“Don’t apologize, I wanted to hear how you felt.”

“I’m sorry,” He extends a hand out on the table, hoping you’ll take it, “I’ve thought about what I’ve done and I’ve tried to repent for it. But at the end of the day, it’s up to you. But just tell this once, you miss us, don’t you?”

“I do, Jungkook...It’s just, I’m in a tough spot and I don’t- I don’t want to disappoint anyone or myself.”

“You’re talking about your friends or your family?” He frowns at the thought of either party trying to discourage you.

“My family doesn’t know anything about this, it’s my friends who are concerned for me. They saw me get hurt and they don’t want to see it happen again, they want me to be happy.”

“Don’t listen to them, all they do is talk shit about me and try to tell you what you need. The only people who have a say in this relationship is you and me. We choose what makes us happy, not them.”

“But I’m not happy,” And it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still being judged, “I’ve actually been depressed when I think about us, when I think about what we used to have and what we have now, how did this happen?”

“I’m sorry I did this to you,” He sighs when you finally reach out to take his hand, “I never mean to hurt you,”

“I want you back so bad sometimes,” You break, letting your true feelings out to him, “but just because I want it doesn’t mean I should, it’s always been hard for me to separate the two.”

“That never stopped you before,” He flashes that smile, the one you fell so hard for on the roof of his car. 

“Now look where I’m at,” You take your hand back, “going to therapy with you.”

*

*

Jungkook took you home and sunset had passed, it was already dark. You found yourself inviting him in, hugging him longer than you should have when he was on his way out. Why were you holding on to him so tight? His bomber jacket lands on the floor and you relish in his arms, you haven’t felt like this in a long time. Maybe it won’t hurt to let him in, indulge. It doesn’t take long before you let him kiss you for the first time in weeks. It feels new, it can happen a thousand times and it’ll always feel new. 

But then your phone begins to ring and reality washes over you like a cold shower.

“Wait,” You pull away from the kiss and slide off of the counter to his dismay, “I need to get that-”

“Ignore it,” Jungkook cups your jaw, trying to persuade you with longing eyes, “please ignore it-”

“I can’t, it’s my mom, something might be wrong,” You quickly answer the phone and walk into the living room. “Hello?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at home, is something wrong?”

“You forgot, didn’t you? Your brother Leo, you were supposed to pick him up so he could stay with you for the night. me and your dad had to take Milo to his Taekwondo tournament for the weekend.” Your mother stresses over the phone.

“I’m so sorry! Mom, seriously, I totally forgot,” This is the worst possible timing, “doesn’t Leo have his license, he can drive here, can’t he?”

“We have the car. Don’t worry about it, it’s handled now, his friend came by and he’s staying with him.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know how that crossed my mind,” You can’t help but feel as if you’ve disappointed her by forgetting such a simple thing, “I’ve been busy, I’m prepping for the next season, I’m working and in school, it’s a lot right now-”

The conversation  ends with a cold lecture from her and a solemn goodbye when she hangs up. You massage your temples, and look at Jungkook who’s coping with the best part of his day being ruined by a phone call.

“Everything okay?”

“I forgot to pick up my brother, my mom asked if he could crash here but I forgot all about it..”

“When have any of your siblings actually visited you? Except for your sister when she needs a babysitter.” Jungkook always sports a defensive tone when your family comes into the conversation.

“He’s only come over a few times. But he has friends who live over here so that’s normally why,” You take a deep breath. “She sounded frustrated so I know she’s upset.”

”Don’t stress about that,” He comes in close, wrapping his arms around your waist. “your mom shouldn’t beat you up about that, especially since she knows how much you have on your plate.” He smooths down your hair and kisses your forehead gently. That innocent forehead kiss quickly migrated down to your neck and you bite your tongue.

”Jungkook, please,” You get out of his embrace and leave him longing.

"Why do you keep pushing me away? I know you, this isn’t like you. You push me away but never for this long,” He follows you to your bedroom where you kick off your shoes and take off you cardigan. ”If you’re serious about making this work again, you’ve gotta help me out a little here.” 

You feel him looming behind you, so close that you feel the warmth of him on your lower-back, or is that his hand?

“You’re here, aren’t you? I’m being really nice right now,” You step away from him, “but you need to stop.”

“Stop what?” He feigns ignorance.

“If that’s what you were hoping for you should just go,” You pick up his jacket and hand it to him, “it’s not happening.”

“Ok, but do you mind if I stay the night?” 

You stare at him in disbelief for a moment, debating whether or not that’s a good idea.

“Why? It’s not even that late yet.”

“I don’t want to make the drive home, I’ll leave first thing in the morning.” He pleads, those big round eyes helping his case immensely.

“Fine. But you’re on the couch,” He looks a bit disappointed but he was expecting that, “I’m gonna shower, you can wait for me or use the guest bathroom if you want.”

With that, you walk off into your bedroom to get your clothes and then into the bathroom in the hall. Though you hesitated to let him stay, it’s really not a big deal now that you think of it. He’s stayed over more times than you can count so you feel no need to punish him by saying no.

Baby steps. 

Jungkook falls into the couch, relieved and anxious—but mostly relieved. He was sure you were going to throw him out. When he hears the shower turn on, he begins to wonder what you might be thinking about, do you want him the way he wants you right now? If so, you’re hiding it pretty well. Just being in your home makes him feel comfortable and happy, that and your presence. You’ll be a while in the shower so he figures a few moments of relaxation on the balcony won’t hurt. 

*

When you step out of the steamy bathroom, you hug your robe tightly to your body. Curious to see what he’s doing you peek out of the hall and see him on the balcony, shirt nowhere to be seen and smoke wafting from the little stick in his finger. Jungkook has always been a temptation, a forbidden fruit so to speak. You had one bite, and that’s all it took. 

It’s a warm night, that’s probably why he’s showing all of the neighbors his tattooed glory, you giggle to your self at the thought. You run to your room to slip a t-shirt and shorts on so you can join him, you can indulge him in conversation at least.

“Hey, I was going to get a snack,” You open the sliding door and he looks back at you as he exhales a a cloud, “are you hungry?”

“I’m okay,” He puts it out in the ashtray, “thanks,” 

“You didn’t have to put it out for me,” You step onto the patio and close the door behind you.

“I was done anyway,” He says that but he clearly wasn’t, he’s just being sweet, “how was your shower?”

“Good,” You sit beside him, “you can go ahead and shower if you want to, you know where your clothes are.”

“I will in a minute,” He looks out, enjoying the view of the city, “it’s beautiful out here...”

“Yeah,” You smile, reminiscing on the many moments you two have shared together on the balcony.

“So,” Jungkook sighs, probably reminiscing on the same thing, “do you want to do that exercise?...”

“Exercise?- Oh, the eye-contact thing, we can...” You turn to him and he does the same, “so, do we-”

“Shh,” He holds a finger to his lips, “we’re not supposed to talk,” 

You swallow, eyes locked on his and his on yours. His eyes are so dreamy and mesmerizing, they always have been. This eye-contact is giving you a great excuse to analyze his face. The little mole under his lip, his cute nose and cheeks—you’re trying not to look at his body but it’s hard to do that right now. 

He’s doing the same thing to you. Your eyes, nose, lips, he’s just taking it all in as if your a sculpture at a museum. Looking at each other like this reminds you both to see each other, to really see the human you both decided to love.

“Jungkook,” You know you’re not supposed to talk, “don’t cry...” You thumb the tears away from his cheeks, your motherly habits kicking in.

“Shit,” He wipes his cheeks, “I don’t know why I’m crying, I just-...I really love you, like, just staring at you really fucks me up.” He’s so emotional, it’s more endearing than anything.

You cup his jaw and kiss the apple of his cheek, then his lips. His hands are almost shaky when he reaches up to hold your face, you lead his hand to your face to let him know that you don’t mind.

“I love you too,” You breath, your head in the nape of his neck, “but I can’t do this, I shouldn’t...”

Once you realize you’re no longer in your own chair but in his, it’s too late to pretend you’re not equally as desperate. It escalates and the best and worst happens. 

#quarters #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #jungkook x you #jungkook x y/n #bts angst #bts smut #bts fluff #bts x you #jimin angst #jimin fluff #jungkook boxer!au #jungkook au #jungkook ice skatin #I don't know what this ending is lol

[faerielleart]

Are you ok with the fact that isayama didn't confirm who Levi loved instead of showing us hints (bc some seriously missed them). I'm just do done of all those ships wars and I would pass over Hange's death if he would have made it clear for everyone even non shippers. Have a Nice day and take care

hi anon!

ahh this might sound a but controversial i guess? but i’ll give my two cents anyway.

first of all, i want to say that i kinda disagree with this as a whole: i think that realistically the fact that they love each other couldn’t have been clearer if we take into account levi and hanji as characters. they’re awkward adults, we’re never getting a kiss on screen. they’d probably hold hands at 50. and even if we got a fucking kiss you can bet your ass there’d be people saying they kissed platonically, as they seem to say with literally every single one of their interactions. nothing new here.

secondly, and this is something i’ve wanted to say for a really long time, i feel like sometimes us levihans accidentally downplay what happens between them, i think out of fear of being harassed or because the harassment got to us subconsciously. i know because i’ve done it myself in the past.

let me put it in this perspective: why is it that we as a fandom feel the need to somehow “justify” our meta posts by adding a bit about how “their bond can be taken as platonic” every single time? you don’t see others do it with other ships. it’s only us lmao and ughhh i’m kinda over it i guess? now that the series is over i can finally let it out so pls bear with me :’) i’m not, in absolutely any way, saying you have to read levihan as romantic, but at the same time i feel like sometimes we kinda force ourselves to see it in that perspective too when talking about it publicly out of subconscious fear of getting weirdos coming at us, when other shippers simply don’t do it: they just say “yo it’s canon” and peacefully go on about their day. but with levihan it’s different hhhh there’s always this wanting to remark about how their interactions can be read both as platonic and romantic. as if it’s offensive to consider them exclusively romantic, you feel?

i’m coming clean, i never saw them platonically. never. sorry if it upsets some 🤸 i find it weird how when it comes to levihan people seem to insist that seeing them as anything more than friends is “ruining their friendship”, as if relationships aren’t supposed to be rooted in friendships lmao are y’all marrying strangers or something??? and yeah this strong insistence again is only seen with levihan and NO other ships. i wonder why.

i feel like this last chapter was the “nail in the coffin”, borrowing this expression from the dear anon from yesterday who had to say so many nice things to me.

and i mean it positively! at this point i honestly believe it’s more forced to believe levihan to be ambiguous and unresolved rather than not. we haven’t had an explicit declaration of love from anyone that’s not falco. hell, not even eren explicitly said “i love you” nor did mikasa lmao so yeah i’m kinda over people not keeping the same energy for levihan despite them having the most interaction out of all the characters, despite getting a scene where one of them literally wants to elope with the other, despite getting a confession from one of them hidden in a silly grammar particle, despite the author going out of his way to change a kanji in that same sentence to make it emotionally deeper, despite one of them doing a modified salute with dead eyes, despite the other looking as if they got the sudden realization of their lives, despite one looking completely dead inside staring at his hands until the battle, despite one being at the center of his memories standing out in the sea of light hair and smiles with dark hair and the most sorrowful expression, despite all the mf parallels with other two characters complete with the same words and the same pose distribution in the panels, despite one looking at a plane wistfully and getting paralleled with another character looking at a bird. do i have to go on? and this is only in the last arc. come on. let’s not pretend as if there are no romantic tropes, let’s not pretend as if if it were any other ship people’d be all over them. we can do it now that the manga is over, come on. come on.

to me, it’s clear as day, nothing ambiguous at all. not since chapter 126, and i’m tired of pretending it is lol and to be really really honest i feel like at this point you have to be either a speedreader or in complete denial as a rival shipper if you seriously downplay everything we got in this final arc especially.

again, just my two cents! levihan might not be endgame, but it is canon and they canonically love each other and there is nothing ambiguous about it, point blank.

thank you for the ask anon!