#no powers just gay detectives

[mirsvintagesonytv]

Alternate universe where Chuuya joins the ADA w Dazai. The flags never found out that info on his past so chuuya still has no idea where he is from, and dazai just shows up at his door one day like "im leaving come w me" and chuuya is like "bro wtf no i need to find out abt my past" but leaves w dazai anyway. They join the ADA and Dazais tryna become a better person but chuuyas only motive is to find out about his past, which he has no idea about, bc the events of stormbringer never occured in this timeline.

Also that for 2 years Kunikida Ranpo and Yosano have no clue what in the gay shit is going on between the new recruits, since none of them know about their mafia ties, so they end up placing a bet for when theyre gonna get together, and pool together a prize pool for whoever is closest. Even Fukuzawa places a bet. But it goes unsolved for 2 years until Atsushi arrives. And atsushi just.. asks because apparently the others never thought of that, not even genius Ranpo. And dazais like "Yeah we're together" which sends the agency into a MELTDOWN BECAUSE WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN AND WHO WINS THE PRIZE POOL??? Turns out Dazai and Chuuya had been together for like the entire time and knew about the bet, but found it funny so didnt say anything to see how much they could get away with before being caught out.

Dazai: Hm im stuck on this case.

Chuuya: *solves it*

Dazai: *grabs chuuya by the cheeks in front of the whole office, kisses him on the lips for 3+ seconds* Your so smart Chuuya this is why your my.... (the agency is holding their breaths thinking this is the moment).... BEST FRIEND. what did i do to deserve a friend as good as you Chuuya?

They ended up getting away with it too, because the whole ADA cannot for the life of Odasaku distinguish between platonic and romantic affection.

*another instance*

Chuuya and Dazai are late to work, so Fukuzawa sends Kunikida to get them from their shared apartment. He walks in, using the spare key, and finds the two together under the covers of Dazai's futon just cuddling together. Like the most sappy gay shit you've ever seen.

Kunikida, getting his hopes up bc holy shit he's won the prize pool: ...What are you two doing..?

Dazai, smirking bc this is way too funny: It's cold. We have no heating. Chuuyas skill makes everything warm so im using him as a radiator

Kunikida believes this despite knowing about Chuuyas ability, overlooking the fact that Dazai literally just lied to his face because Chuuyas ability does nothing to the room temperature.

In the end the prize pool goes to Atsushi for his bravery, whilst Kunikida is just sobbing because how did he not realise. And Atsushi does not know whats going on he's just happy to be there honestly.

#soukoku in the ada together is public menace #kunikida constantly has to do damage control for their petty shit bc Chuuya is punch ask questions later #and dazai just watches bc its amusing #this is quality content i promise like im right u know im right #bsd headcanons #dazai x chuuya #skk #soukoku #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd chuuya #chuuya nakahara #dazai osamu #mafia dazai #theyre gay #gay and in love #like omg imagine dazai gets taken by the mafia like canon and chuuya is like where tf is my boyfriend where is he #ada chuuya #chuuya as a detective would hold so much power #i feel like Kenji and Chuuya would get along #like chuuya teaches kenji better ways of defenestrating criminals and kenjis like look at this plant its rlly tasty #they bond #i love them so much #silly little gay men do silly little gay things #including but not limited to homocide #fraud #tax evasion #maybe some minor battery and assault too #i feel like higuchi would recognise chuuya right away in the ada but refrain from saying anything bc it would blow her cover #dazai less so bc she wouldnt interract w him

[deputychairman]

Just finished The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida and noir detectives will never be the same again, now they’re set in the Sri Lankan civil war where a dead photographer is solving his own murder, winning at poker, saving his best friend, speaking cynically but behaving honourably, seeing the man he loves finally come to terms with himself, speaking truth to power because he must even though it won’t change anything, and it already won this year’s Booker Prize and while we love to criticise literary prizes that get it wrong (a victimless crime surely), the Booker Prize really knocks its out of the park every time! Maali Almeida (“If you had a business card this is what it would say: Photographer. Gambler. Slut.”) is the true spiritual successor of Philip Marlowe only textually gay which is surely the only meaningful way to write a noir detective in 2022, can’t recommend it highly enough

#the best noir detectives don’t even have to be detectives #they just have to be looking for answers and bear witness to atrocity and injustice #even knowing (especially knowing) that witnessing it doesn’t change anything #Shehan Karunatilaka is actually a genius #and apparently he wrote this while holding down a day job AND with small children #truly the power of making up a gay little dude and giving him problems

[ilgattopatata]

imo heizou is a fun character as long as he is not near kazuha cause he was so clearly put next to him to be the guy kazuha would be shipped with it's almost painful

#lmao it was so funny when he came out and it was like #''because there was a detective looking for kazuha THIS ENTIRE TIME! don't you want to make yaoi about them now?'' #hoyo read the post ''pretty gay to be a private detective. what are you detecting other men's privates?'' and tried to make it a character #btw you do you and if this is your jam more power to you #it was just so fucking funny that they realized kazhua didn't meet the fujo quota with only a dead friend #(though he would if they didn't forget kazuha and gorou are like. old friends. but i digress.)

[headspace-hotel]

It's easy to see how chemophobia became so widespread to the point that companies advertise their products as containing "only ingredients you can pronounce." It's wretched that this spawned the antivax movement and other similar movements, but there are incredibly good historical reasons behind WHY people are terrified of "chemicals."

Reasons like: Agent Orange, DDT, Superfund sites, any of a wide range of incidents where chemical companies—in many cases, knowingly—poisoned people and communities because Number Go Up. History has shown again and again that companies do not give a fuck about ruining people's lives exposing them to toxic substances.

Unfortunately these people live in a world where EVERYTHING around them contains ingredients they can't pronounce and there is very little knowledge of basic chemistry, and a person has no choice but to either develop life-altering paranoia about contamination, or just settle into a sense of (naive?) security about the Chemicals in the world around them.

So these powerful cultural memories (and totally rational distrust of Bayer, DuPont, and Monsanto) have been hijacked to Sell Product (No chemicals! Ingredients you can pronounce! All Natural! Organic!) and/or been channeled into some horrible and ultimately baseless movements that, these days, form a pipeline straight into fascism.

Alex Jones' anxiety about chemicals "turning the freakin' frogs gay" is part of The Anxiety about a world that is now made of ingredients we can't pronounce. Our world is now made of very different physical stuff than the world of our ancestors, and it makes total sense for panicky reactionaries to blame sexualities, genders, religions, and ways of existence they don't understand on the strange, unprecedented "chemicals" that have intruded into the material components of the world around them.

The material changes to our lives mesh quite nicely with the paranoia of fascism. People, without any scientific expertise that would inform them, decide that "natural" things are good and "artificial" things are bad, and this leads people to reject very simple, comprehensible, and well-understood processes like "heating something up, but not quite to boiling, and letting it cool down" (pasteurization) in favor of "contracting bovine tuberculosis."

But it's not that natural is good and artificial is bad, it's that natural is, at least in theory, understandable, and artificial is bound only to the laws that tell DuPont it must disclose what is in a product being sold and test the product for harms to human and animal life—and the power of those laws to actually control DuPont. Hemlock and nightshade can be recognized and avoided, but a Product emerges from an Amazon Prime box in a curiously sterile afterbirth of plastic and foam, stinking of acrid VOC's that some people enjoy in the form of the "new car smell."

And we know that nature has no shortage of things that kill us that we CAN'T readily detect with our senses, like lead and uranium, but before mining for coal and metals ripped open our Earth and pumped thousands upon thousands of tons of toxic waste up from its depths, any given creek or patch of dirt in Eastern Kentucky was at least less likely to be dangerously toxic and radioactive.

This definitely fuels the blind and often dangerous urge to go back to a time when things were "simpler." It lubricates the slide down into reactionary bigotry a little bit, this abundance of ways the world has gone Wrong and has been irreparably changed.

It gets harder and harder to say "No, natural is not always good/bad, no, unnatural is not always good/bad" and be listened to. Our world is far, far harder to understand now in some ways, but we have to try, and that's a hard sell.

#chemophobia #environment #fascism

[maxknightley]

Which Touhou Girls Can You Plausibly Read As Butch? A Comprehensive Overview

Earlier on Tumblr I saw a post complaining that someone called Hecatia Lapislazuli from Touhou Project butch. This is Hecatia Lapislazuli:

Obviously, like most Touhou characters, she is in fact quite feminine - she just shops at Hell Hot Topic. But it got me thinking: In a series like Touhou, with a cast overwhelmingly defined by feminine (if rowdy) ladies, how many characters could you say are 'butch' without sounding like a complete doofus or significantly redesigning them to fit your headcanon?

CRITERIA

I'll be using four main criteria to judge characters' butchness. In real life, of course, butchness is a multivalent and extremely personal thing, but I'm talking about funny cartoon women from a video game here, so I'm willing to be a little reductive.

These criteria, in order of descending importance, are:

FASHION. In a series where goddamn near everyone is in either a dress or a skirt, the mere act of Wearing A Dress Shirt can be enough to make a powerful statement. Hats may also play a role here, given how many Touhou characters have gay little hats.

HAIRSTYLE. Short hair is not the be-all and end-all of butchness. I, myself, am Decidedly Butch even though I've been growing out my hair since college. But the length and styling of the hair are still a valuable indicator of how someone thinks of themself and wants to be seen.

'TUDE. Could this character be accurately described as "kind of a frat boy?" How do they speak to others? Do they just kind of seem like a character who ought to be butch, regardless of their looks? Do they even lift?

COMEDY FACTOR. Self-explanatory. This will probably only come into play if I run into a weird edge case.

I'll also emphasize that we're grading on a curve here - butchness is being assessed relative to the characters who do not appear on this list. Nobody in this series has a buzzcut, you know what I mean?

THE TIER LIST

AS CLOSE TO CANON AS WE'LL GET

Fujiwara no Mokou. The girl wears a dress shirt, fucking suspenders, and trousers. Not shorts, actual full-length pants. She's also in a perpetual love-hate mutual-murder situationship with Princess Kaguya, who is femme as all fuck. Obviously you don't have to be butch to date a femme - I'm just saying it feels Fitting given their whole deal.

Yuugi Hoshiguma. Most of the time, her fashion sense is actually quite feminine - but her look in the most recent chapter of Cheating Detective Satori, with the one exposed shoulder and the sarashi and all that, significantly alters the balance. Her hair actually reads as more masc to me when she keeps it long and unruly - when she puts it up in a ponytail, she ends up looking very kempt, even elegant. The deciding factor here is 'Tude: Her sheer levels of butch swag are off the fucking charts. (Still, I wouldn't blame someone for arguing she should be knocked down a tier - especially since I'd argue the Comedy Factor works in reverse here. She's way funnier if she doesn't think of herself as butch in the slightest.)

Minamitsu Murasa. In his original appearance I'd argue that Murasa is in "Reasonable" tier - maybe even as low as "Kind of a Stretch." But her big gay Jotaro jacket in Sunken Fossil World, combined with the emphasis on the weightiness and solidity of his trademark anchor, put her over the top. One of the only Touhou girls I consider worthy of being He/Himmed.

Shinmyoumaru Sukuna. The other He/Him-worthy Touhou girl. Very short, slightly messy hair; wears a kimono, not a dress; inheritor of Issun-Boshi's legacy; wears fucking dinnerware as a hat. Why do you want to be Big so badly, huh? So you can pick up women more easily? So you can carry your awful wife through the upside-down threshold of your upside-down bedroom?

Raiko Horikawa. For the longest time I thought her skirt was a pair of shorts because I straight up could not parse it as anything else. Even now I'm like "that can't possibly be a skirt, ZUN just drew it weird. She has to be wearing a full two-piece suit." Skirt aside, her jacket/dress shirt/necktie are still undeniable, as is her short hair. Also, she is a taiko drum given life, and I feel like taiko and timpanis are naturally butch. Maybe if she was a tambourine or a set of bongos I'd rank her lower?

Momoyo Himemushi. Rough-talking miner. Wears a dress shirt, leaves the top button(?) undone. Tromps around a big weird cave with no shoes or socks on. Wears bows and bangles basically everywhere but in her messy, tangled hair. Also, maybe I'm stereotyping here, but I just can't picture a centipede as being femme.

REASONABLE

Wriggle Nightbug. The dress shirt, cape, and puffy shorts all paint a vivid picture, but I just feel like I don't have a strong enough opinion on Wriggle as a character to put her in the top tier. In other words, she's got plenty of points for Fashion and quite a few for Hairstyle, but I just don't think the 'Tude is sufficient for me.

Reisen Udongein Inaba. The skirts are a strike against her, but her whole "dress shirt + necktie + sometimes suit jacket" thing makes a big difference, especially given that we're grading on a curve. Her rumpled ears and (particularly in Inaba of the Moon, Inaba of the Earth) pathetic demeanor go a long way towards giving her a vibe somewhere between "overworked salaryman" and "Detective Columbo."

Aya Shameimaru. All you need to know about Aya is that her "human reporter" disguise looks like This:

Mononobe no Futo. Butch, but in a really weird, circuitous way, imo. Like. She's sort of wearing a dress, but it's sort of a robe - the contrast of the hemline with her big flowy sleeves makes it hard to pin down - and her outfit quite notably has tassels rather than any kind of frills. I don't know what the hell is up with her hat but it's definitely not femme by any stretch of the imagination. Then thou hast the wayes in which she speaketh all "faux-olde-timey," even though nobody else in the setting does that... she transferred her soul into a plate, but she also throws plates around as weapons... It's like she's constantly putting on a performance that only she truly understands. It's like she reverse-engineered "masculine womanhood" by hanging out with a bunch of queens and doing kind of the same thing but kind of the inverse. The more I think about Futo the more I think she's entirely on her own wavelength, but I think "Reasonable" tier is a... uh, reasonable... approximation for the sake of this post.

Sagume Kishin. She dresses like if Bill Nye were a woman, and I think that cuts to the heart of it - she reminds me of a professor who you're not ever sure is gay, but you kind of pick up on a vibe, and near the end of the semester she offhandedly refers to "her partner" and you're like HOLY SHIT I KNEW IT. I went back and forth between putting her in "Reasonable" and "Kind of a Stretch"; ultimately, the Comedy Factor decided it because I couldn't stop thinking about a scenario where she says she's a woman, accidentally upends her whole understanding of gender in the process, and ends up taking testosterone while still ID'ing as a lesbian. I don't actually know if her powers would work that way and I don't care.

KIND OF A STRETCH

Eiki Shiki. I don't have a lot to go on, here, because she hasn't had many official appearances and seems to spend most of her time lecturing people or tormenting sinners. Her uniform(?)/apothecary outfit(??) is pretty snazzy; combined with the hat, it gives her a vaguely "military officer" look to me. We'll call her "butch pending further investigation," which I think she would agree is the correct course of action.

Sekibanki. She's here partially because of the cape, and partially because being sandwiched between Wakasagihime and Kagerou makes her look way more masc by contrast. I know what I said.

Ringo. It's pretty much just the hat and the pants, though - as a butch woman who Loves Eating - I am also inclined to project my own experiences onto her.

Aunn Komano. She reads as more "tomboyish" than outright "butch" to me, what with her whole puppy-dog vibe, but at the same time... she's very much wearing shorts and the kind of goofy-looking button-up shirt that is central to my own wardrobe and the wardrobe of other butches in my life. I'm willing to count her.

Takane Yamashiro. A living testament to the power of small character design choices. I would never in a million years call Nitori butch, even with her gay little hat and all the pouches on her outfit - she just looks like a girl scout. Takane, though? Takane, with her little hair swoopy, and the fucking suitcase slung over her back, and her camo-print dress? I mean - ultimately it is still a dress, which is why I can't justify scoring her higher, but she's definitely chewing tobacco and riding around on an ATV on weekends.

Chiyari Tenkaijin. If she's butch, it's not really because she's trying to be butch, it's just because being femme seems too expensive and time-consuming. She's got better things to do (drink blood all day). Still, I think an argument could be made.

DEFINITELY A STRETCH, BUT I RESPECT IT

Renko Usami. ZUN is kind of inconsistent with how he draws her hat - sometimes it's more of a porkpie/fedora type thing, other times it's round-topped and looks a bit like Koishi's hat. To me, this is a crucial distinction. In a more general sense, I feel like Renko's outfit gets a little less plausibly-masc with each passing album, which says a lot about our society. Or her society, anyway, since she lives in the future. Still, the capelets and bowties...

Rinnosuke Morichika. I think it would be really funny if the only significant male character in Touhou wasn't actually even a dude. I'm not aware of any real textual support for this interpretation, though.

Shou Toramaru. Pretty much only on here because of the hair and because I think there's a certain je ne sais quoi to her whole deal of "she's not a real tiger, she's the idea of a tiger that pre-Meiji Japanese people came up with from secondhand accounts."

Seija Kijin. Not even remotely butch by any stretch of the imagination... But if she did consider herself butch, isn't that exactly what she'd want you to think?

POTENTIALLY NOTEWORTHY EXCLUSIONS

Cirno. "Tomboyish" is not the same thing as "butch," to me, especially if you exclusively wear dresses. Also, I'm not sure Cirno even knows what a lesbian is.

Saki Kurokoma. Not actually butch, just a horse girl. (And a horsegirl.)

Mike Goutokuji. Can't tell if she's wearing a skirt or shorts. She's got short hair, sure, but the whole "matching bell collar and wristbands that also have bells attached" thing makes her look more like a Very Online Trans Woman who just figured herself out and hasn't started hormones or bought any new clothes yet.

#touhou #touhou project #crossposted from cohost after i spent like an hour on it.

[normansnt]

Handsome (Sanjixmale!reader)

Warnings: reader gets shot, nothing to specific though, mention of broken ribs.

*nightmare devil fruit*:

You can detect your opponents worst fears by touching them and can make illusions for them to see and live through it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bright red

That was every girls cheek the moment they laid eyes on your handsome face, muscular build and nice fashion sense which fitted your body perfectly.

You are handsome

Everyone pretty much agreed

Very stereotypically handsome and women notice that, and they swoon over you

And to top it all you have a very charming personality with a kind and attractive tone

You are what people might describe as every woman's (who is attracted to men that is) dream.

Even Nami and Robin admitted to how handsome you are, of course they didn't swoon Nami is a lesbian missing Vivi, and Robin was too mature for that.

You joined the strawhats in alabasta when you tagged along with Robin to join them since you worked under crocodile as well to archive your dream of making the world a better place, you wanted to catch the right time and stop his horrible plans but the strawhats showed up and did the job for you. You didn't know what to do after so you tagged along with Robin who you befriended at that time.

Since then wherever you went you went with them.

You loved the crew and made a very powerful asset as well with your natural fighting skills with your scythe and your nightmare devil fruit*.

Since you were part of the strawhats wherever you went it was with them and the ladies swooned over you.

Sanji hated that.

He hated that ladies payed attention to you instead of him, he hated that they got all red in the face and even more beautiful that way whenever they looked at you.

But he mostly hated that even he had to admit that he agrees with those ladies.

He agrees you are handsome.

He agrees your smile is the most calming thing he ever saw.

He agrees that your charming personality and kind voice makes his legs weak and his cheeks burn so red he thinks he and his heart might blow up.

Thats why sanji prefers not to be around you, you confuse him and make him feel...things he never felt, not just towards a guy towards anyone.

This however made you believe he hates you.

And you just couldn't understand why.

When ladies swooned over you, you never did anything.

You just continued to be kind not thinking much of it since you were obviously gay.

And screwed.

Because of course you had to fall in love with the most lady obsessed man on your crew who not to mention hates you (or so you think).

He was just so kind, and considerate. Of course his perviness could be reather annoying but even so he was still looking out for women and respecting them, which most man don't.

The same thing happened in Thriller park.

When Perona saw you after you guys were awakened by Usopp she got red in the face and whispered to herself "he is so handsome I almost feel bad for making him depressed" that pissed off sanji. Of course he thought Perona was cute, but she of course noticed you and you didn't even answer her.

The next straw was when he wanted to rescue Nami-san, you tagged along and Absalom looked at you and immediately thought you are a big threat his exact words were: "you, handsome, you came for my bride there is no way Im letting her see you"

He didn't know you were Nami's crew mate since you didn't have a wanted poster either.

That extremely annoying for Sanji since he wanted to be the knight in shining armor for Nami.

"OI LION HEAD IM GONNA BEAT YOU TO PULP"

Yelled Sanji to get Absaloms attention.

However Absalom attacked you first paying him no mind. Now you wouldn't have a problem defeating him however when he got close so you could attack he disappeared and that caught you off guard.

You lifted you weapon just in time to block his punch and gave huge thanks to your reflexes. While this was happening Sanji had a perfect opportunity to get to Nami and he knew your strength, he knew you could handle yourself. But he wanted to beat Absalom. He wanted to beat the pervert peeking at Nami-san when she was bathing.

So he yelled

"Y/N" in a very pissed off tone.

You snapped your head in his direction thinking he got hurt or anything of that sort with the way he yelled, you were worried.

This however got your attention away from Absalom giving him an opening which he took immediately and shot right towards your heart.

The bullet hit you and you fell backwards with shock painted on your face.

Sanji stopped.

His breathing stoppen.

Everything was playing in slow motion as you fell towards the ground with a bullet in your chest.

This was his fault.

If he had not gotten your attention away from your opponent you would not have gotten hit.

Sanji was feeling empty.

Even he didn't know what happened with his feelings.

The only thing he knew was you were hurt and he did not. like. that.

The moment your body hit the ground Sanji attacked Absalom kicking him so hard he passed out.

And then kneeled down to your body.

"Y/N?Y/N! Can you hear me?" He started to panic he did not want to lose you. He looked at your chest and he saw that the bulled hit just under you heart very likely not damaging your heart just breaking a few ribs.

"Sanji" you coughed out "Nami, Nami is getting take--" you coughed up blood not being able to finish your sentence. Sanji looked behind him and you were right. While he was busy worrying about you Absalom took Nami and disappeared, literally.

That is the moment Sanji realized.

He let Nami out in the open alone because he wanted to get to you.

You, the guy who had such an amazingly kind personality every girl who he claimed to want swooned over.

You who always smiled at him even if he didn't smile back or act just a little bit rude.

You, who offered to help clean up after every meal the crew had and even though he told you no every time (rather harshly) you still at least collected the plates and put them on the counter next to where he was washing the dishes.

You

He loved you

That is what he realized in that moment.

That was the most confusing thing to him.

How did he love a man?

"Sanji-" your raspy voice broke him out of his trance and he got to his senses you guys had to move or else there would be trouble.

-------------------------------------------------

After defeating Moria the straw hats celebrated. Not just the new victory but the new crew mate as well.

Sanji was in the kitchen preparing more food for luffy everyone. And you just can't shake the thought of what happened.

Sanji ran to your aid instead of staying by Nami's side and protecting her. In a way he choose you over Nami.

No, there is no way that's too far fetched. You just couldn't figure it out.

So there was only one thing to do.

Ask him.

Now this was trickier then it sounded.

With you thinking he hates you, approaching him was not easy.

But you had to do it if you wanted to get an answer.

Which you really wanted to.

So you stood up from your place next to Usopp and with claiming you will go to get another drink you were off to the kitchen.

Sanji was zoning out. Thinking about you. About how nice the button up shirt you were wearing looked on you and how it defined you muscles.

"Hey Sanji" you said stepping into the kitchen. He was still focusing on cutting meat and let out a "hmm" as greeting.

That did not help your already raging anxiety.

"I... great food tonight you did really great" this was quite awkward the way you said it however you did mean it. He said "mhmm" without giving you a glance and continuing what he is doing. Sanji did not mean any harm from this he just didn't want to look at you fearing a nose bleed.

"Anyway I was just wondering..." you were getting more anxious by the moment due to his cold demeanor. "Uhhhh" 'oh come on Y/N spit it out already he is already fed up with you' you thought to yourself.

"Can I ask you a question?" Finally better than nothing you are in it now there is no way out.

Sanji stoped what he was doing just for a split second.

"Sure" and he continued what he was doing

'Finally words' you thought to yourself your anxiety lowering just a little.

"Ok so... uhhh... its about what happened" pause "in Thriller park when we fought Absalom"

Sanji was confused. He already apologized for messing with your fight and for the broken ribs you suffered for it, he couldn't really look in your eyes from shame (you thought from hate), but he still did it. Not to mention you sounded nervous, why? At this point he put his knife down and looked at you (well kinda) leaning his back on the kitchen counter trying his hardest to prevent a nose bleed from your muscular forearms which showed because of your rolled up sleeves.

This of course just made you more nervous, you always thought he was handsome but when he looked right at you with his blue eyes you could faint.

"Well I was just wondering..." 'oh my god Y/N spit it out!' You literally yelled at yourself in your mind.

"Why did you come to my aid when you could have helped Nami?"

There it was, out in the open. Now he will either gat mad at you or you will get an actual advice, he already hates you whats the worst that could happen.

"Well..." he started slowly "I don't quite understand your confusion, I mean you were seriously wounded not to mention it was my foult--"

"No" you said cutting him off "I mean yeah it was kinda but it was my decision to look away and not pay attention so it was more my fault... but thats not what I mean." You corrected yourself quickly, then sighed.

"Look we all know how much you love Nami and for you to get to me instead of a lady who is Nami is just to weird--"

"Because..." started Sanji cutting you off "I..." he was screwed, he had no idea how to tell you why he did what he did without confessing his love to you which just got stronger by every passing day.

"I...don't actually know its just what I did it was in the past, it already happened so I do not see any need to discuss this any further" he said kind of hastily to rush the conversation along.

This hurt you. You knew he hated you but... well when does it not hurt when your crush just wants you out of his sight.

You turned around and were about to leave when

"Now, can you answer a question?" Asked Sanji in a calm tone. You were surprised to say the least. This was probably the longest conversation you guys ever had.

"I... uh sure" you were kind of happy he was not that fed up with you yet.

"Why do you never do anything about women swooning over you all the time?"

"What?" This caught you off guard, very much so, what did that have to do with anything?

"Don't play dumb you see how they cheeks get pink and how they look the other way giggling, why do you never act on that, with your looks and charm you could get any women in the world and I don't know how but you don't even do anythi--" laughing.

Your laughter cut Sanji off. It was a lovely laugh, he knew that he liked your laugh a lot. But why were you laughing?

"Sanji...what?" You asked flabbergasted, still chuckling a bit. He was just staring at you silently. That told you everything.

"Sanji... Im gay" you said with still an amused expression on your face.

OH

Sanji suddenly understood everything. Your good sense of fashion, your kind nature you being very good friends with Nami and Robin.

"And as for how Im charming" you continued to answer him.

"Im not" you smiled lightly " I mean you saw how anxious I was when talking to you the guy I like I mean you do hate me but still, Im not charming, the only thing I do is treat women... well not like a pervert and not like they are only boobs, and a pretty face, but like they are actually a person, which they are however men fail to notice that" you continued smiling, blissfully unaware of what you said at the beginning of your statement.

Sanji wasn't unaware however. He stopped functioning the moment you said you liked him and then his eyes bulged out of his skulls when you said he hates you.

"Hold on..." he didn't even know where to start.

"You think I hate you?" He went with that first

"Well based on the fact that this is the longest conversation we ever had, yes." You said dumbfounded still not aware that you confessed to him.

"I..." he felt really bad. You thought he hated you when in reality he just had feelings for you that scared him. "No, I don't hate you, not at all in fact..." should he do it? Well you confessed first so that made it easier.

"I like you... a lot, actually I kinda... sorta...love...you" and he said it. He confessed, real love, to a man, you.

Thats when you realized what you said, that you said you liked him. That you just confessed to the man you have loved since you saw his adorable curly eyebrows and silky blond hair.

You turned tomato red, Sanji chuckled at this finding you adorable.

"Ehh... wait, you love me?" You were short circuiting, this was not happening, but...how?

"Well... thats what I just said" he said not so sure of himself anymore. You just said you liked him but he already confessed his love for you. Now it was his time to turn red or he was about to when you leaped into his arms, hugging him tightly.

"I love you to" you whispered in his ears.

Sanji hugged you back slowly, relishing in your sent.

When you two parted you looked in his eyes, ocean blue, you loved it.

"Uhh... before the urge to kiss you gets to strong I should probably tell you...uhh" stuttered Sanji

"This is my first...kiss...relationship?...or anything romantic with a guy--mmhhp" before he could finish you kissed him.

You kissed him.

Sanji was above every cloud there is. Your soft lips on his.

The way they moved against his, fitting together like puzzle pieces, it was addictive.

When you licked his lips to ask for entrance he gave it to you right away craving more of you. You sat him up on the kitchen counter while discovering his mouth with your tongue. There was not much of a fight for dominance since Sanji was dazed from kissing you. Since you needed air you slowly parted your lips from his and looked in his eyes.

You were both panting slightly, with red faces.

"So, how was that for first romantic experience with a man?" You smiled kindly again.

How could you kiss him like playboy and smile like a child with puppy eyes the next moment he'll never know. Thats just one more thing he loved about you.

Interesting how things turned out the handsome man he was so jealous of for all the attention he got from the ladies ended up his handsome boyfriend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT? IM NOT DEAD YET?

NO IM NOT HAHAHA

I actually didn't plan on my next fic being a Sanji fic but I got this great idea for him so I had too.

Also you guys didn't like my last Sanji fic😭

But thats ok I loved it a lot so😛

I love this man and to be hones I hate that cuz his perviness is annoying but I cant help it the heart wants what the heart wants kids remember that🫡

ANYWAY I don't know who or what my next fic is gonna be WE SHALL SEE WHEN THE CREATIVITY STRIKES ME🫠

Well I hope you enjoyed your reading ladies, gentlemen and others, good afternoon good evening and good night🧡🦖

#male reader #one piece #one piece fanfiction #one piece imagine #one piece x male reader #sanji x reader #sanji x you #sanji vinsmoke x reader #sanji x male reader #sanji x y/n

[harocat]

Why People (Especially Gay People) Should Watch Mysterious Lotus Casebook

Thirty plus year old former greatest martial artist in the world, Li Lianhua, travels around in a poor man's version of Howl's Moving Castle dispensing sometimes quack, sometimes seems to be pretty accurate medical care to people throughout the land for a quick buck. He is dying a potentially preventable death because he was poisoned ten years ago and refused to seek treatment from his martial arts sect because he felt like he let them down (a lot of them died, and they think he died too). Hopefully he doesn't die for real at the end. He's been stripped of 90% of his martial arts powers, so he basically is just some guy. He does not GAF about almost anything. He likes to cook. He's smarter than everyone. He's our hero.

He has a cute dog by the way. Its name is Fox Spirit, but it is very much a dog.

Along the way he meets Fang Duobing, an annoying, oblivious to class consciousness (but still lovable) rich kid who makes it his mission to travel together with Li Lianhua so they can solve crime. He has huge puppy energy. He wants to be an official detective, and he needs LLH to help him out. He has a serious case of heart eyes for his shifu, and he shows zero interest in any woman ever. He believes, due to a previous encounter, that he's destined to be Li Xiangyi's student in martial arts. Oh and Li Xianygi is Li Lianhua's true identity, so he's kind of like, FDB's shifu twice over. He has no idea that LLH is actually the swordsman of legend.... yet.

Along the way they solve murder mysteries and also get involved in tomb raiding adventures complete with Indiana Jones style booby traps, backstabbing, and weird, creepy kids.

By the way, LLH's archrival from a decade ago, before he left the martial arts world, was Di Feisheng. He leads up an alliance that LLH's was pitted against, and one that was viewed as a scourge in the martial arts world.

LLH's last battle before his 'death' was with DFS, so the martial world believes DFS killed him, as does DFS. Di Feisheng finds him again, and is super DTF (fuck, or fight? actually both), but when he finds out that LLH lost his martial arts powers, he makes it his mission to restore them so they can have the final showdown they deserve.

The fight scenes rule.

Were they friends in the past before they became rivals? We don't know yet. All we know is that they have extreme divorced energy, and DFS wants nothing more than to get remarried. He's gay. He's so gay. He's legitimately confused when he finds out that LLH has an ex girlfriend. He's seriously like 'I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN WOMEN.'

You bet your ass LLH is wearing a wedding dress here.

So all three of them travel together to solve murders, which they do, with aplomb. The whole time DFS pretends he doesn't care while making moon eyes at LLH and making sure no harm ever comes to him. Fang Duobing is confused and probably jealous.

Yeah he really did pledge to marry Li Lianhua in like, episode two.

He also, at that point, has NO idea the true identity of either of them.

Right now DFS is no longer traveling with them, but I believe he'll be back to them soon (he's still plenty involved in the story and present), and the three will continue their shenanigans. And anyway, he's still annoying LLH despite them not traveling together (to be fair, pretty much everyone annoys LLH). There's also sect drama! Secret alliances! Completely wack murder mysteries! And always with a side-dish of heavy homo. They're going to be the best found family.

There's eighteen episodes of forty out right now, and it's streaming on IQIYI or wherever you choose to pirate your Chinese Dramas. It's EXTREMELY entertaining every single episode; funny, addictive, and yeah, pretty gay.

#mysterious lotus casebook #di feisheng #fan duobing #li lianhua

[haphazardlyannotated]

Steven Universe told from the perspective of other characters

Garnet: A story of gay empowerment from start to finish. As a book it would be titled either Made of Love or Stronger Than You and feature Garnet's gauntlets with her wedding rings on them as cover art.

Amethyst: A seemingly wacky coming of age story that drops the most heartfelt moments when your guard is down. The cover resembles kids' detective stories, the kind where the whole gang is looking around for clues to the mystery.

Pearl: Everything up to Rose's death is an ancient literary classic titled The Ballad of Rose Quartz, illustrated with intricate inkbrush paintings. Steven Universe season one to three is the kind of introspective life after tragedy novel you pick up to look sophisticated reading. It's probably titled Without Her or something similiar. I don't have a title for season four and onwards, but the blurb is "it's not easy to manage twenty girlfriends, two life partners, a son and a dark past at the same time!" It's much more lighthearted than the previous two, but still prone to punching you in the emotions with little warning.

Connie: A magical adventure series just like the Unfamiliar Familiar! It centers Steven the magical boy with his best friend and eventual love interest Connie as the female lead. The tone gets a little darker after the first book/season, but less so than the original Steven Universe (let alone Steven Universe Future).

Greg: First a coming of age story, but unlike Amethyst this one is about breaking away from toxic people in your life. This story gets its happy ending when Greg finally finds someone he can be himself with in Rose. The time until Rose's death is a romantic comedy titled My Girlfriend, her Girlfriend and Me and conists mostly of shenanigans. After Rose's death and Steven's birth, it turns into something more bittersweet centering Greg's worries about being an adequate father to his magical son.

Peridot: It's titled How I learned to stop worrying and join the Rebellion and is easily the most lighthearted installment here. Our dorky protagonist is very obviously a somewhat unreliable narrator, but in a funny way. She encounters a few struggles, but they are quickly overcome with the power of friendship.

Lapis: This is just multiple whump fics. They're in a collection titled Bad Things Happen Roulette. Steven Universe the Movie is a pretty standard fantasy adventure with a group of powerful heroes though, and Steven Universe Future is the fluff fic with a smidge of angst you'd read as a pick me up after Bad Things Happen Roulette.

Bismuth: The war is a good vs evil sci-fi story with lots of social commentary. The Diamonds are definitely irredeemable here. I don't know what to do with the few episodes of the original Steven Universe she was in, but the movie is an empowerment narrative against systemic oppression titled Still Standing, or something in that style. Steven Universe Future however is a romantic comedy.

Rose: This is just a straight (well, bi) up tragedy. Our protagonist desperately tries to recover from her childhood trauma and be a good person, but is ultimately unable to escape the prison of her own mind. The book wins several literature prizes, but very few people actually read it because it's just too depressing.

#su #steven universe #su garnet #su amethyst #su pearl #connie maheswaran #su peridot #su lapis #su bismuth #su rose quartz #garnet #amethyst #pearl #peridot #lapis #bismuth #rose quartz

[brainrotdotorg]

God, Kim Kitsuragi. I love this man. He is so fascinating and multilayered. He is a gay mixed Asian (coded) in a world that has nothing but disdain for him. He became a detective and finally found some semblance of power, finally became something other than a faggot binoclard who lost his parents in the war. He is endlessly patient and profesional and blunt. He is stoic but not cold, he is a sore winner and surprisingly childish and really not so above it all. He has a sexy accent. He smokes one cigarette a day, which in his opinion is more troublesome than quitting, because he likes the feeling of having control over his nicotine addiction. He feels a strange sense of pride for having no connections to Seoul other than his ancestry. He will verbally lacerate those who espouse bigoted views. He will laugh at Harry during his bisexual awakening. He will give Harry a high five if he successfully shoots down a corpse from a tree. He is not religious but makes the sign of the cross in the church and prays to make the shot that will save Harry’s life. He is a man downtrodden by politics. Who defined himself as a moralist but now claims to only believe in the RCM. He had a partner called “Eyes” because his own vision was so poor. You can only know Kim Kitsuragi for a maximum of ten days.

He is an imperfect man, but he will be kind to you if you are kind to him. You can exasperate him and bewilder him and make him run back and forth across Revachol endlessly doing little side quests, but if you do your job and you treat him well, you will awaken a joy in him that seems to have been long since dormant. He will look forward to installing those headlights on the Kineema with you. He will play games of Suzeranity and subtly gloat when he wins. He will listen to speedfreaks with a smile and tailor his jacket and continue to smoke one cigarette a day.

I love Kim Kitsuragi. He really is my perfect wish fulfillment man; someone who comes when you are at your lowest and does not baby you, does not pity or tut their tongue or handhold, but picks you up when you fall and points you in the right direction. He will run right behind you wherever you go and give you the eyebrow when you ask him to tell you a secret. It is not just take with him; it is learning how to give, to return the patience and kindness you are shown and force him to share a sandwich or salami and whisper “we got them” and be rewarded with a smile only you can see. Camaraderie and support, and an idle animation where after ten minutes of standing still Harry lifts Kim onto his back and then Kim lifts Harry onto his.

#disco elysium #kim kitsuragi #harry dubois #harry du bois #rambling #yeah. yeah I’m thinking about him. I’m always thinking about him #i want to kiss him

[wth-if]

Humans have made their peace with the supernatural a long time ago.. all of them, except the demons.

Ten years ago Archangel Michael swooped down from the Heavens to give humans a new salvation, a solution to their pest problem, a little thing they called H.E.L.L. - Heaven's Eradication of Lethal Lowborns.

Ever since then the demons have been under control. Until recently -unexpected, right?- after a series of kidnappings conducted by a cult calling themselves The Morningstar's Children. Ever since, H.E.L.L. has been cracking down hard on the lowborns.

And well, Lucifer Morningstar (The President of Hell Themself and Michael's sibling) is having none of that.

In retaliation, she sends you, a demon, to infiltrate H.E.L.L., and take it down.. from the inside!

OR, a celestial sibling rivalry goes a bit too far.

FEATURES (May Change!):

Play as a lowborn/demon! Male, female or nonbinary (including cis/trans options); gay, straight or aro/ace; be the vessel for Lucifer’s revenge against her sibling by.. hunting your own kind? What?

In-depth character customization! Hair color & style, skin color, body type, markings, piercings, etc!

Choose how you got chosen for the job! Are you a demonic assassin or are you just an average joe who happened to be walking by?

Romance one out of four unique romance options! Your demonic co-worker, a demon hunter and TWO archangels (that’s right!)

Cause chaos and shenanigans! Get Michael’s coffee wrong, mess up an investigation and let demons escape H.E.L.L.’s grasp! It’s what you’re here for!

Discover the mystery behind the disappearances, and who's really behind The Morningstar's Children!

Help Lucifer Morningstar win her election against her son Satan, or sabotage it!

Levithan (He/Him): Demonic Overlord, Son of Lucifer, Sin of Envy. You'd expect a guy with that description to be pretty full of himself, but instead he seems pretty tired and over-worked. He's been tasked by Lucifer to infiltrate H.E.L.L. alongside you- why? It's anyone's guess at this point. (Possible Tropes: bickering couple, tired x energetic, tol x smol)

Yavhi Gupta (They/Them): Stubborn, rude and cold-hearted. They've been working for H.E.L.L. since they were able to join, and they're one of the toughest, roughest demon hunters around. They don't joke or play around, they go straight for the kill each time. Unlucky for you then, that you've been assigned to train underneath them for the foreseeable future. (Possible Tropes: enemies to lovers, opposites attract, black cat x golden retriever)

Raquel (She/Her): Fierce, witty and loyal to the end. When her best friend left Heaven, she followed right after. Now, she works as a detective alongside him and they've been hired by an outside source to investigate The Morningstar's Children, as H.E.L.L. can't seem to do anything right, and she'll do anything to find out the truth; even if it means teaming up with a lowborn like you. (Possible Tropes: fwbs to lovers, smart x dumbass)

Gabriel (He/Him): Quiet, yet lethal and dangerous. He left Heaven for a reason, but now works alongside his friend as a detective. He's the brawn of the operation, but just as willing to do anything to get the truth... even if you get the feeling he knows more than it seems. (Male MCs only. Possible Tropes: Mutual pining, star-crossed lovers, quiet x loud)

Lucifer Morningstar (She/They): As the Sin of Greed, she's the father (mother?) of all the other deadly sins, and the current President of Hell- though with reelections soon, and her subjects looking in their son's, Satan's, favor, that might change soon. Which is why they sent you on the quest to take down H.E.L.L., so her rep would get a serious boost. She's conniving, scheming and pantsuit wearing, and will stop at nothing to keep her spot on top. (And I love her.)

Michael (They/Them): The most powerful Archangel of them all, it was obvious that one day, they'd become the humans savior, their saving grace.. uh, not really, but they love the praise. Recently however they've been under fire from the human media after a slip-up resulted in the deaths of six people, but they managed to save grace by capturing and promptly executing a few lowborns connected to The Morningstar's Children. (Which, In Raquel's professional opinion, puts them right at the top of her list of suspects.)

Shae (She/Her): A vampire and the one who hired Raquel and Gabriel after the kidnapping of her son Damien at the hands of The Morningstar's Children.

LINKS :

DEMO POST (TBA) R/O INTROS (TBA)

Asks about the R/Os, the characters or the story in general are always welcomed!

#intro post #hosted games #choice of games #if wip #cog wip #twine wip #welcome to hell #welcome to hell if #wth if #wth #interactive fiction #interactive novel #cyoa #choose your own adventure #wip

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Princess of Starlight; Thranduil x elfling child reader

*Author's note*

Well guys this took me awhile to get around to making and a couple of weeks to write it all down but this weekend I finally had some time to fully sit and write it out and now it's ready! So @soralinklokidottirofmirkwood I appreciate your patience with me and I now present to you your request. Hope you enjoy it as well as any reader who catches this little gem.

Warnings: parental death, spiders (yeah those arachnophobes out there like me, BEWARE OF SPIDERS!!) mentions of infertility and stillborn children, some angst and fluff.

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things

@waddles03

@psychosupernatural

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels

@queen-paladin

@gay-and-ready-to-cry

____________________________________________________________

I managed to duck down into the root of a tree and quickly buried myself with some old leaves and twigs and stayed as quiet as I could until I heard the sound of their clicking and hissing.  I then watched as their shadows went past the tree I was hiding under, hoping and praying to the Valar that they wouldn’t see me.

After what felt like forever, the last of them finally walked passed my tree so I slowly peeked out clenching my father’s crystal necklace he had given me before he and mother told me to run and hide.  There was nothing but silence in the woods, no birds, no wind, not even the sound of running water.

Very carefully I decided to venture out of my tree in hopes of finding another place to hide, or maybe get out of the woods all together.  Suddenly out of nowhere I was pinned down by three long, hairy legs and heard a hiss-like roar behind my back.  I tried to fight but I felt myself being wound up in the sticky web of the spider that had me pinned.

Then as quickly as I felt it starting to wrap my up, it stopped.  I heard the whizzing sound of arrows being shot, blades being unsheathed, and the terrible sounds of the spider that had me pinned along with more spiders from above the trees.  Soon there was silence once again and I heard someone say in my language.

“How many are left?”

“I counted five more escaping during the skirmish my lord Legolas.” Said a female voice.

“Kill them all. None must be left alive. By order of the King.” The male voice said again.  The female then proclaimed an Elvish command and I heard some running away from the area.

“My lord Legolas, what about the victim?” oh no.  I tried to wriggle myself out of the web but it was so thick and sticky, I couldn’t even move my arms up that had been pinned to my side.  So like a warm, I tried to inch myself to a hiding spot (even though I could barely see through the silked webs) but I was soon stopped by another foot.

This was it, this is where I would meet my end. Not by spiders but by my own kin.  I felt as the webs were being cut away and I was now staring into the sharp, blue eyes of an elf in what almost looked like dragon-like armor.

“Stand down, she’s only an elfling.” He ordered to the few dozen guards that remained at his side.  Unlike the others who had either dark or red hair, this elf before me had blonde hair, just like my mother did.  I jumped out of my web trap and pressed myself against one of the trees and the elf told me, “It’s alright. No one will hurt you.”

Even though he looked intimidating, there was a comforting aura around him that I was sensing from him thanks to father’s necklace.

“Do you speak in the Eldar? Or do you also know common tongue?” he asked me.  But before I could answer, I noticed a large shadow slowly coming down from above.  It was one of the younger spiders whose feet are so light, they couldn’t even be detected by our Elvish ears.  One of the guards happened to look where I was looking and proclaimed.

“Hir nin Legolas!” my necklace soon glowed and I extended my hand out and a powerful wind blast sent everyone falling down including the spider.  It’s back slammed hard into the trunk of a tree before falling down on a spiked log, piercing it through it’s center and it quickly fell limp.  The elven guards plus the elf who had tried to talk to me, Legolas according to one of the guards.  They all looked at me in either shock or awe at what I had just done.

“I’m sorry.” I finally spoke to show that I knew both Elvish and common tongue.  “I didn’t want that one to hurt you. They’re more deadly than the bigger ones, nana and adar were attacked by one just like that. The venom spread so quickly mother barely had the chance to cry out.” Suddenly one of the guard withdrew his bow and arrow and aimed it at me.  I jumped back fearfully but Legolas stood in front of me, shielding me from the oncoming attack.

“Lower your bow Feren!”

“My lord, she had hurt you!” Feren snapped.

“It was an accident. She saved my life, and as such it would do you more harm than good to bring harm to my rescuer.” Feren without question removed his arrow from his bow and stood down.  Legolas turned back towards me and knelt back down in front of me.  “Little one, how do you know magic?”

“My father’s amulet. It just—glows whenever I feel high levels of fear and fires the magic. I didn’t mean to hurt you I swear it.”

“No apologizes necessary, may I be permitted to see your father’s amulet? Don’t worry I won’t take it from you.” I looked into his eyes and felt deep down he was telling the truth.  I reached underneath my shirt and pulled it out and held it out to him.  He gently took it in his hands and as he admired the crystal gem, I noticed how his eyes widened when he turned it around to look at the runes on the back.

“Am I—in trouble?” I asked nervously.  He looked at me and told me as he handed me back my father’s amulet.

“No penneth. But we would like for you to come with us, the King would like to know of your presence in our part of the forest.” The King? As in King Thranduil? I had made it to King Thranduil’s palace?! I had but lost hope that I would make it here.

Before I had lost my father, he had told me to reach the realm of Thranduil.  If I showed him my amulet, he could protect me.  Those were his last words before the younger spider got to him and dragged him off into the woods, never to be seen again.  Legolas kept his hand out for me to take it and so I did and he ordered the remaining guards to follow us.

As we walked, I soon began to feel the light of the sun upon my face as we reached a different part of the woods.  I couldn’t recall the last time I had felt the light of the sun or have been able to feel all of Yavanna’s great creations all around me.  The feel of the spray of the rushing waterfalls beneath us, the smell of the fresh air instead of the decaying one I had been under.

We soon came to a great fortress that had been built within the trees themselves.  Gates of iron stood before us as Legolas ordered the guards to close the gates behind us.  Once inside I was amazed at the interior of this grand palace.

Narrow walkways of tree bark and light that seemed to be glowing on it’s own from what appeared to be sap from the trees.  Elves all around were walking the various pathways that either were below or on top of us.  Soon enough, we came before a large, intimidating throne of wood and stone.

Large antler-like structures stood on either side of the throne that was at the foot of a narrow staircase at the foot.  And sitting upon the throne wielding a staff was none other than the King of all Mirkwood, King Thranduil.

He resembled Legolas almost to a perfect picture but his eyes held a harshness that felt like winter wind hitting you in the face.  A crown of autumn leaves stood upon his head and he wore robe of onyx and hanging off his shoulders was a blood red cloak.

“Legolas,” his voice held a deep booming sound to it that almost resembled thunder in the far off mountains.  “Who is this child you have brought before me?”

“My lord, this young elf was found within the outer boarders of your realm. The spiders had ambushed her and nearly had her killed. She in returned saved me from a spider that we had missed that would’ve killed me.” Thranduil’s eyes shifted to me.

Seeing him upon his throne lounging against it and his icy blue eyes staring down upon me gave me an intimidating feeling.

“And you had killed it? It wasn’t left alive?” he asked me.

“Yes, Great King of Wood and Stone.” I said bowed to him.

“The child has manners. And a great debt is owed to you for saving my son.” He told me.  Legolas is the son of the King?! I had saved the Prince of Mirkwood?!

“It is also best that you know this young elfling saved me not with a steel of any weapon, but of magic. A powerful magic that I had never crossed paths with before.” Legolas said again.  I watched as Thranduil slowly came down the steps of his throne and stood before us and told his son and the guards.

“Leave us.” They bowed and soon I was left alone with the great King of the Wood.  “Rise young one.” I got back to my feet and looked up at him nervously, fiddling with the ends of my tattered dress.  “How long have you been traveling in the woods on your own?”

“I—lost my parents what feels like an age. But counting from what I could tally in the ground and trees, it had been nearly a year and a half since I had been on my own.”

“And from where did you hail from in my kingdom?”

“The Southern borders of Mirkwood my lord. Near the fell fortress. My parents and I escaped the spider raid when they first came upon the lands.”

“What were your parents names?” he asked me.

“My mother’s name was Thessa, and my father’s name was…..”

“Orrian.” The King finished for me.  I looked up at the King in shock.

“You knew my father?” the king knelt down to my height and asked me.

“Answer me this, do you bear his family’s amulet? A clear diamond surrounded in silver?” I reached down into my shirt and pulled out the amulet necklace and Thranduil’s eyes widened.  “By the grace of Varda. You are her. You are Orrian’s young starlight. You are just as he described.”

“My father spoke highly of you, but I always thought it was because you were the King of our realm.”

“Not only that child but your father and I go back a long time into our elfling hoods back in our old home of Doriath. He was the youngest cousin to the Queen Melian. And my greatest friend. Oh the times we had together as elflings.” His voice held a warm, gentleness and his eyes that once struck me with a cold feeling now held a warm, tender look to them.  “I am sorry for your loss my dear child, but know that your father truly loved you. More than anyone, more than life.”

“That’s what he said before telling me to find you. Saying that you would protect me. I had but given up hope that I would even find sanctuary and that his and my mother’s deaths would’ve been in vain.” Thranduil placed a comforting hand to my shoulder and said.

“You need not think that anymore dear one, your parents can finally rest in peace knowing that you will indeed be safe here in my realm.” Then I did something I never would’ve thought I had the guts to do.

I embraced the Elven king.  He tensed up at the surprised hug but gladly embraced me back.

Later that night after being provided with proper lodgings, food and medical attention to the scraps and bruises from running through the thick shrubberies.  Thranduil sat down with me on my bed telling me all the stories of him and my father growing up.

“And had it not been for me, your father would’ve never had gotten the courage to ask a dance from your mother.” He finished the tale of how he had helped my father and mother begin their courting.

“Father always said he’d learn to thank you for giving him the proper push.” I fiddled with his amulet necklace.  My heart growing heavy with grief.  “I miss him and mother every day.”

“And they loved you dearly. They feared that they would go through life without being able to conceiving a child. Everytime your mother started to bear one, it was either a stillborn or she ended up losing it. But when you came along, there was something about you that made your father believe that you were the one. You were going to be the grace of Varda herself, and he was right.” He tucked some of my hair behind my ear and turned my chin up to look at him, “An elfling born with the power of the Stars and wind, and it is through that amulet that was brought down by his family line that helps harness your powers.”

“Yet they didn’t appear till after I had lost them. If only I was able to use that power to save them.”

“There is a saying your father used to say, ‘Yesterday is history, tomorrow’s a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present’. We cannot choose what happens in that time frame or what events will fall, only after what’s done is done, do we have the strength to follow through to the next event that may fall upon us.” I nodded and leaned my head against the king’s arm.

I felt his arm come around me, pulling me onto his lap as my head rested on his shoulder.

“I promise you (Y/n), you’ll never know fear or loneliness ever again. I swear on your father, I’ll try to give the same amount of love as he and your mother gave you.”

“Thank you my lord.”

“No more formalities. You may call me by my name when it is just us, okay?”

“Okay, Thranduil.” I felt him bring me closer to him in a loving embrace and he lay a kiss upon the top of my head.

For the rest of my life, Thranduil kept his word.  I was raised at his side like his own daughter and Legolas came to see me as his own little sister.  I was trained not only in weapons by my brother and father, I was also taught how to better control my magic.  Though for those lessons, I was sent to Rivendell where I was told by Lord Elrond that he and his wife were good friends of my mother.

Lord Elrond taught me of how to better control my magic and how to use it in combat.  Throughout the lands I became known as the Starlight Princess of the Woodland realm.  Any orc that I came in contact with was blinded by my powers of Starlight and shuddered in fear whenever the winds would blow, signaling my arrival.  And whenever I felt doubt or fear of forgetting what my parents looked like, my adoptive father was willing to show me old pictures of him and my father and tell me more stories of them and their lives together. And I never had to live with fear or doubt ever again, just as my adoptive father had promised.

#the hobbit #the hobbit fanfic #the hobbit imagine #thranduil #thranduil x reader #thranduil imagine #thranduil imagines #thranduil fanfic #thranduil fanfiction #thranduil x child reader #the hobbit fanfiction #the hobbit imagines #legolas greenleaf #legolas greenleaf imagine #legolas greenleaf x reader #legolas greenleaf imagines #tolkien fandom #legolas greenleaf fanfic #legolas greenleaf fanfiction

[notashadowbutawave]

i almost posted this on the true detective subreddit episode thread but thought better of it:

I've gotta say… I feel like a lot of complaints people are having about this season of the show don't pass muster objectively when held up against Season 1. Melodrama, "unrealistic" dialogue, complaining about being shown too much about people's personal lives and not caring about the characters…

There is so much unrealistic dialogue in season 1. The way Marty and Rust during their video interviews just come in talking about some big philosophical idea or "life wisdom" nugget in the middle of the episode (nobody talks like that IRL). The scene with Marty's daughter and the princess crown, for example. Marty cheating on his wife multiple times isn't like, objectively "more interesting" than Evangeline's sister having mental health issues or Liz being sexually promiscuous and a mess.

I've seen season 1 probably 10 times and I adore it but a lot of the angry comparisons people are making to S1 kind of just come off as straight up misogyny at a certain point. Like it rubs people the wrong way because it's women. Complaining about Liz and Evangeline going to the dredge without backup but when Rust and Captain America Marty Hart do something like that it's believable?

I don't think anyone's obligated to like the season by any means but you can just say you aren't feeling it as opposed to trying to make these apples-to-apples comparisons to season 1 that really don't hold water; I think people are just a lot more willing to accept this type of storytelling when it's about men and kind of has a fetishization/shame angle with masculinity in general. Like S1 is very masculine but it's also a love story. idk. I'm gay so I should probably stick to Tumblr for talking about this show, ya'll are wild.

----

idk watching people who are probably white dudes complain on Reddit that we are seeing too much "native culture" on the show strikes me as really icky.

i recognize that these are reddit comments and not like, actual media criticism but i think it says a lot about how people are conditioned to understand storytelling in general. like there's still so much fucking misogyny and white supremacy in our mainstream media and i realize a lot of people wouldn't say it out loud but i think they genuinely just find it exhausting that they're being asked to contemplate the interior lives of native alaskans and women by watching this show lmao

(that's not a value judgment about how well it is doing at depicting  Iñupiat culture because i'm not the person who gets to make that judgment but it REALLY rubs me the wrong way that people can't STAND even seeing it depicted)

(i think the fetishization of the American south also has a lot to do with it, like people are very willing to accept the aesthetic style of the American south as a vehicle for crime/mystery/possibly supernatural storytelling because it really doesn't challenge any conceptions they might have about the genre) (it helps that Woody Harrelson and Matthew McCounaughey are native southerners with great acting talent and natural screen chemistry who really took Season 1 to a higher level, in no small part thanks to their uncredited script doctoring. with lesser actors I think the story falls flat as hell because you need them to sell a rich relationship and complex inner lives with their performances because SO MUCH of their relationship is subtextual) (so when people see these great acting performances in the context of a police procedural set in Louisiana i think they're very pre-conditioned to elevate it to an almost mythical status in the genre because it doesn't present TOO many challenges to a conventional worldview about who has power and agency in stories)

like I said i've watched season 1 probably 10 times. it's very good. but it does MANY of the same things that people are complaining about regarding season 4/night country in terms of showing a lot of relationship/sexual drama for the leads and their Tragic Pasts. they just don't like it. which is fine. i just think it's a disingenuous angle to approach criticism of the show.

like if any actor other than McConaughey were doing Rust's monlogues in S1 it would not have been very good because it would have come off like self-serious edgelord shit, which is what it actually was (pizzolatto sucks) before it ended up in the hands of competent producers and performers. instead it really comes off like a man who has suffered and developed this worldview genuinely, within himself, not as a way to wield power over others but to protect himself from harm.

anyway....

for my part, i wanna know what the fuck is up with the spirals and the bad CGI polar bear visions and i'm going to be disappointed if it's not just some massive red herring designed to freak people out a little because that's what we deserve.

but in terms of like, the characters' lives, i generally find them very interesting. the opening scene of episode 3 with annie genuinely moved me to tears. annie seems like a fucking cool person and i would love another flashback about her.

i love that liz is a fucking asshole who is constantly being forced to confront her own behavior as racist, self-centered, impulsive, etc.

i love that evangeline is a very lonely person just barely keeping it together. kali reis is putting on an amazing performance. also, for the record, i'm VERY gay.

i wanna know more and there are only 2 episodes left and i hope it sticks the landing so i can write a big actual essay about what it did well from a storytelling perspective!

gosh i just love serialized fiction on the television

#true detective season 4 #true detective night country #night country #true detective spoilers

[trans-queen-administrator]

Worm Fanfic Recs

No rankings at play here, just my favorite fics that I think other are really good. There are fics I like that aren't listed because I have a bad memory, but everything here is something I really really enjoyed. I have biases obviously, this isn't objective.

The Fics

Our Private Crises - A nailbiting murder mystery with unique and well done POVs from a different character each chapter. The mystery and reveal at the end were stellar, and it got me attached to characters I never thought I'd care for. 29k words. Complete.

It's Cold Out There Every Day - Missy is trapped in a time loop on her birthday. Genuinely stellar characterization, it has the best Missy and Aisha I've ever read and its such a creative and well executed premise. 41k words. Complete.

Tilt - Unpowered homeless girl Taylor fakes a thinker power to get in the Wards and secure housing. She's even more self destructive and self deprecating than in canon. 10/10 characterization for a slew of POV characters including Taylor, every ward but especially Sophia, Rachel, Lisa, and a ton of other characters. Despite not going through all of what canon Taylor went through, this fic nails her character better than pretty much any others. 220k words at time of posting. Updating consistently.

Tear Apart, Stitch Together - Taylor triggers with Shatterbird's power and kills thousands. Short and sweet, everything that's there is great and it wraps up well I think. 13k words. Complete

Memories of a Simurgh Victim - The Simurgh attacks Brockton Bay. Has two storylines, one following Taylor and one following Amy and Vicky. Among the most fucked up things this fandom has to offer, a terrifying showcase of the Simurgh and her power. 62k words. Taylor's story is incomplete but the Amy and Victoria story is done.

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Pleasures - Cherish altpower Taylor tries to consensually fix Amy's incest fetish. A trainwreck I can't look away from, the worlds first psychological horror romcom. It's so fucked up and so amazingly funny, and has good well written characters. I don't like Pillbug and I'm not a big fan of altpowers, but this fic is still one of my favorites because it's so damn compelling so definitely check it out if you actually like either of those things. 211k words at time of posting. Updating consistently.

Roots - The Slaughterhouse Nine attack a small town with a roster of OC capes, but something is very off about the place. POV shifts every chapter, and the OCs are interesting and unique. The S9 are also wonderfully characterized here, I've never had a fic make me sad for Crawler of all people. 67k words at time of posting. Ongoing. Criminally underrated.

Roma Fade - Ciara and Fortuna both try to grow past who they were as capes and find themselves as people in a small town post Gold Morning, having found common ground posing as moms to a recovering Taylor. I'm sure fake dating would never end in real attraction, that would be absurd. Incredibly gay, incredible characterization for everyone, the best post-GM fic around in my opinion. 87k words at time of posting. Ongoing but currently on hiatus.

Case - Lisa and the Simurgh start a detective agency. It's just great humor and a lovely story and wonderful despite being short and deceased. 14k words. Dead.

Silence is not Consent - Taylor intervenes and saves Victoria from Amy and gives her a place to stay, Victoria massively struggles dealing with what happened. Amazing characterization, Victoria's POV is unique and incredibly well done, and her seeing Taylor from an outside perspective is interesting. Be warned that this is a very heavy fic emotionally, but it's really fucking good. 212k words at time of posting. Updating consistently.

A Word - Altpower Taylor is obsessed with writing a story. I don''t know how to describe this fic honestly it's hard to do justice, but it has perhaps the best conclusion to Gold Morning I've seen in a fanfic. 11k words. Complete.

Scarab - A fantasy AU where powers are thought to be magic, and the Faerie Queen takes an interest in Taylor. Filled to the brim with creativity and passion, this fic is teeming with fresh ideas and interesting depictions of canon characters. The worldbuilding is great as well, no other fic on this list has a map, so this is clearly a cut above the rest. 139k words at time of posting. Updating consistently.

Swallowtail - Ok I lied this one has a map too. Taylor with an incredibly interesting stranger power joins Faultline's crew. There is a truly astounding amount of AU elements and alternate powers for canon characters, it feels like a new world while still being recognizable and distinctly Worm. Has a large amount of alternate POVs and the first arc can be rough, but it's creative and amazing. 360k words. Ongoing but currently on haitus.

Soliloquy - Ex-Slaughterhouse 9 Taylor is in prison, bitter at the world and herself and especially her clone who saved the multiverse. A heavy fic about someone slowly recovering and becoming a better person when they're convinced it can't be done. Made me cry. 71k words. Complete.

TWNY - Post-GM Taylor finds herself in the world of RWBY with a pair of moth antennae. Multiple POVs, all very interesting despite me knowing nothing of RWBY. Probably the best characterization of Taylor in any post-GM crossover fic, she's heartbreaking in the recent arc, and it feels like the fic has barely scratched the surface of what it'll eventually cover. Also it's very gay. 136k words. Ongoing.

The Great Escape - Eidolon is struggling after his reputation is destroyed and Cauldron is revealed, and then the Birdcage opens. Amazing use of seldom seen characters, great POV with Eidolon, well done and interesting fights, has String Theory. 107k words. Ongoing but currently on haitus.

Happiness Is Inevitable - NSFW. The only damn erotic mind control Simurgh smut in the fandom somehow. Besides the porn (which is a lot of the fic, who woulda thunk it) the story itself is actually pretty interesting and has a lot of creative parts, and it has better characterization than most fics. 29k words. Ongoing?

Oneshots

Break me so that I can be whole - This accursed fandom is tragically bereft of QA / Taylor fics, but this one shot is great, love an eldritch take on shards. Probably fucked up but I'm not actually a good judge of that so be warned. 1.8k words.

Book Worm - Dragon helps teach Taylor how to read and speak and understand language post-GM. Bittersweet and lovely. 2.5k words.

Defiant Didn't Dox Saint For Nothing! - Taylor goes back in time and the first thing she does is kill Saint because he sucks. Cracky but I like it, fun little oneshot. 1.6k words.

Ruling Ash - Glory Girl flees Brockton Bay during the Slaughterhouse Nine and ends up living with Damsel of Distress. Cute, and Starsong before Ward is very interesting. 2.8k words.

My Sunshine - Leviathan goes worse and Brockton Bay is destroyed. Taylor and Victoria survive. Very somber, but well executed. 3.4k words.

Cherry on Top - A character study of Cherie Vasil, showing how she went from running away from Heartbreaker to joining the Nine. Extremely well written, absolutely incredible depiction of her character. It depicts abuse and actions typical of Heartbreaker and Cherie, so be careful reading. It's a lot emotionally. 12.7k words.

Devil in a New Dress - NSFW. Shatterbird / Reader, I'm not explaining myself on this one. Neat Shatterbird characterization, hot, pretty fucked up so be warned. 1.7k words.

#worm #parahumans #wormfic #idk why I spent two hours on this but I don't regret it #all my opinions are OBJECTIVE FACT #i have NO biases or preferences #I am simpley correct #made this because im so fucking sick of sifting through anime altpowers and woobified characters and the infinite period guy #so i might as well make it easier for others who may be sick of that #hope yall enjoy and maybe find a new fic from this #also full transparency #im behind on a few of the updating fics #but I loved what i read enough to rec them

[hardlyinteresting]

Just some thoughts on Hotch and Foyet because they've been rattling around in my brain for a long time now

I've seen some jokes about the “sexual tension” between Hotch and Foyet. And I have seen jokes about Hotch being Foyet’s gay awakening, or being so hot that Foyet changed his target base.

I don't think these memes or jokes were made with malicious intent, but I do think they miss the point entirely.

George Foyet hates Aaron Hotchner. He's obsessed with him because Aaron doesn't give in to him. Aaron doesn't take the deal Foyet offers. He refuses to stop hunting The Reaper and in doing so he strips power away from Foyet.

The Reaper is a sadist. He kills for power and for pleasure. He intimidates and manipulates to inflict psychological harm and prolong suffering. Like Hotch says, Detective Shaunassy is very much a victim of The Reaper even if he never laid a hand on him.

Hotch is determined to catch The Reaper and it puts a target on his own back. The only way for The Reaper to regain the power he feels is slipping is to show Aaron what he can do. It's why he goes out of his way to change his kill tactic and take out the people on that bus. Hotch blames himself for their deaths (wrongfully so) and in that moment The Reaper wins, even if just briefly.

George Foyet steals Morgan’s credentials and leaves the bullet for him to show the power he has. And it does intimidate Morgan, but it also pisses him off. And it pisses Hotch off.

When Foyet attacks Hotch in his own home he stabs him. Multiple times. And he stabs him in the same places he stabbed himself. Every act is a display of power.

Foyet himself comments on the profile of stabbing as substitute for sexual penetration. He goes out of his way to make a comment about what it must mean if he's stabbing men now.

He tortures Hotch, and mocks him with his own profile. Hotch tells Emily later on that he passed out quickly, that he doesn't remember what happened, but we know that this isn't true. Aaron was awake. He remembers. And he's ashamed that he was violated and he hates that he knows the team knows what it means. He can lie and say he doesn't remember it, so that he doesn't have to talk about it, but the facts are still there.

But Foyet doesn't stab Hotch because he's sexually attracted to him. The same way that r*pe seldom has any correlation to actual sexual desire. It's about power, and power excitation.

George Foyet hates Aaron Hotchner and he's obsessive about it. They stand toe to toe as power equals and George needs to tip the scales. It reminds me in a lot of ways of the grave scene in Saltburn actually. And the intersection of obsession and hatred. And how intimacy is the most powerful way to destroy someone. Stabbing is personal. Stabbing is intimate. It's violating. And in Foyet’s case it's still a substitute for penetration, it's sexually motivated, but it has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with power.

But Hotch isn't the first man he's stabbed. Foyet himself was. I also think that because of the power balance and subsequent imbalance between Hotch and Foyet, there's a lot to be said about Foyet envisioning Hotch as a different side to the same coin. It's very much the classic hero versus villain set up. Very Batman and the Joker. And I think there's a lot to be said for the fact that Foyet shows Hotch his own scars and intentionally recreates them.

Basically, despite there being no ill intent, and despite the fact that I do understand the intended joke/ humor in the memes and things, they leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Aaron Hotchner is Foyet's victim in so many ways, and it's far deeper than the surface physical harm and the oblivious psychological fall out like losing Haley, or fearing for Jack’s life.

#Aaron Hotchner #Hotch #criminal minds #george foyet #the reaper #the Boston reaper

[myemuisemo]

With April showers, Letters from Watson brings us the first installment of The Sign of the Four, a prospect that makes me quake. When I was a tot of eight years, reading the library's copy of The Boy's Sherlock Holmes with a creeping sense of guilt because I was not at that time (and have not been at any time before or since) a boy, I found The Sign of the Four... long. Very long. I was obviously too young for the concepts, even though I could make sense of the words. (That sums up a lot of my reading in that era.)

I'm also reeling from last week's "The Man with the Watches," an utter tragedy of "be gay, do crime."

What's striking me this time -- what with the introduction of Holmes' cocaine use and also the watch deduction that raises a wince and a shudder from anyone who remembers that BBC Sherlock happened -- is how Watson is being positioned (and I don't mean "positioned in the path of which bullet," though apparently he got hit by more than one while in India).

Cocaine

Watson is progressive! His objections to cocaine sound so mild to us in the twenty-first century, but in 1890, scientific opinion was just barely starting to turn away from seeing cocaine as a wonder drug. It was used for local anesthesia as well as for general pep. Queen Victoria drank Vin Mariani, a wine fortified with cocaine, and so did the Pope. Coca Cola contained cocaine until 1906. Sigmund Freud was a vocal proponent of cocaine for improving mood and performance, until he botched an operation in the early 1890s while high.

A couple hair-raising reads on this topic are Cocaine: The Victorian Wonder Drug and A Cure for (Anything) that Ails You: Cocaine in Victorian Medicine.

So Holmes' original audience would have seen him as an up-to-date scientist using a socially approved means of moderating his mood. His shooting up a 7% solution of cocaine is about equivalent to a 21st century person taking nutritional supplements that are meant to boost brain power.

After all the "say no to drugs" education in the American school system, that's so hard for me to get my brain around, but there we are. Holmes is doing something no more troubling than pouring a glass of whiskey and much more scientific.

Watson, therefore, can be read either as being right at the edge of shifting scientific opinion or as being a fussbudget.

Tinge it with romanticism

I'm firmly Team Watson when Holmes starts criticizing A Study in Scarlet:

He shook his head sadly. “I glanced over it,” said he. “Honestly, I cannot congratulate you upon it. Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.”

The reader is being positioned here to view with contempt the exact features of the work that we probably enjoyed. Poor Watson!

Is it possible that some reviewers commented on the melodrama of the Lucy portions? Yes, and it'd be a valid point. Nonetheless, having experienced a good many math classes, I think the fifth proposition of Euclid might be improved by a rom--

wait.

Doyle, you magnificent bastard.

Flatland: A Romance in Many Dimensions was published in 1884. It wasn't a huge success, but it seems likely Doyle could have known it, and it did, in fact, mention a love story in a discussion of angles. Back when I read it in college (because if you "liked math," someone would inevitably give you a copy of Flatland), I missed the social satire but appreciated the geometry.

Watson is canonically an effective popular writer, and I refuse to denigrate him for that.

The Watch

First, Holmes substantially invents forensic science with his monographs on tobacco and on callouses.

Then we learn that Watson is a second son, which fits with his his training for a profession and choosing the army to help make his way.

Watson was not on great terms with his brother before his brother's death. Holmes doesn't explicitly deduce this, but it's there to be deduced. Holmes knew Watson's father was long dead, which could have come up in any number of casual ways. Holmes had no idea that Watson had a brother, so Watson:

Didn't mention the brother in any context, ever.

Didn't set up any framed daguerreotypes from his childhood nor any modern photos made with the collodion process. Having a posed family photo would have been so completely normal, as would being sent new photos by family members.

Never interrupted his routine to visit his brother while living with Holmes.

Did not attend his brother's funeral (unless it took place while Holmes was away) and did not wear a black armband for mourning in Holmes' presence. Neglecting mourning for a relative would have been a sign of serious estrangement.

Holmes is possessed of some level of tact in not expanding on this topic.

Watson is also nobody's fool: he knows there are ways to fool a mark with apparently miraculous knowledge.

The question in my mind is this: did Watson deliberately distract Holmes from asking what was the subject of the telegram?

#sherlock holmes #letters from watson

[armoredsuperheavy]

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE: An Insufferably Queer Film Review

I rewatched MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1987) for the first time since it came out last night and WOW I have some thots about this thing. We enjoyed roasting the living shit out of it but there's a few gold nuggets in there despite the brutal budget cuts that impacted the plot and what not.

Contains plenty of spoilers.

God bless Wardrobe

OK so … the film doesn't bother to set up any real motivations for the characters, and He-Man (an incredible looking Dolph Lundgren rrrowrrrr) has almost no dialogue which is such a fucking waste. But this complete lack of narrative framework means we can apply OUR OWN explanations to events.

From the very beginning Skeletor has this obsession with He-Man, which will simmer and then culminate in a final showdown. But before we get to that hot mess, we have to wade through the middle of the film.

He gets as much screen time as He-Man.

Meet the utterly repulsive dwarf scientist Gwildor played by Billy Barty, a rinse-and-repeat of his performance as an utterly repulsive magic troll in Legend (1986). This dwarf is the film's Jar Jar. His face is like a deep dish pizza after an acid attack. His real mouth is visible behind the immobile thick prosthetics and it makes for some truly disturbing close-up dialogue shots. Please, pan away from Pizza the Hutt and give us another shot of Lundgren's pecs please I am begging you, DP

We find ourselves in Gwildor's hobbit hole, and he's a magical inventor. So he has this cylindrical object, it's not clear whether it's a weapon or a teleporter but I'm calling it the Butt-Reamer 9000. Inexplicably, there are two of these things and Skeletor has the other one, and wants to collect both of them. So Skeletor has an excuse to go hunting He-Man as he's hunting his missing McGuffin, er I mean sex toy.

Features rotating ticklers, a big improvement over the Butt Reamer 8000.

The thing about the Butt-Reamer 9000 is its magical power to make even this promising setup devolve into a grind as it whisks the Eternians into the magical, enchanting world of a 1987 New Jersey parking lot. WHO WROTE THIS?

The entire middle of the movie is pretty much hot garbage and involves police detectives, arson, vandalism, high school prom, and other dumb bullshit. Aside from the distractingly naked He-Man, the good guys are an utter bore and include some Eternians, some regular Earth humans and their quotidian concerns which really brings down the fun of the movie. (No, baby Courtney Cox, I don't care about your imminent breakup with your mediocre boyfriend!)

The film owes a second mortgage to Star Wars and steals a lot of ideas from it, from bad guys in shiny black stormtrooper helmets, to heroes shooting blue lasers, baddies shooting red.

Let's turn from this depressing state of affairs and focus back on our cherished villain blorbos.

(L-R: Karg, Evil-Lyn our goddess, and Blade.)

Evil-Lyn is beautiful, evil, a cold bitch queen. Gurl you can do so much better than sticking with this loser Skeletor.

Dump! Him! He's gay anyway!

Skeletor is a shit lazy boss of Greyskull and makes Evil-Lyn run the goddamn place in general. He literally shoots the messenger at one point. Great for morale, there, Skel buddy.

Look closer. Fierce!

There's a number of budget rate henchmen on the job, including Karg, who used a whole can of aqua net this morning and is running around in a white fur capelet with a massive bouffant. He is just doing his best okay, really it's hard to look fabulous around these other bitches.

Blade definitely deserved more screen time

Also, Blade, who had a slutty costume of silvery scale maille or something, and was a bit like a sci-fi bondage Riff Raff / space Judas Priest. Best side character costume.

So, there we have it, the queer coded villain roster of the film.

This homemade collage is for sure taped inside Skeletor's locker at school

Note the gigantic brown eye.

Finally, thank Satan, we return to Castle Greyskull, though it's more like beige-and-brown-skull. But aside from the questionable use of faux marble finishes, this is a quality villain lair with hard points installed directly in the floor of the living room, convenient death pits, and an excellent throne setup that I'm pretty sure they recycled for The Fifth Element.

He-Man is captured alive and brought before Skeletor. Blade does the honors with a 15 foot glowing red bullwhip to He-Man's naked and oiled back, much to the delight of dyed-in-the-wool sadist Evil-Lyn.

Movie is getting good now. Was the side quest to Jersey really necessary?

Skeletor, though, watches this action from the throne and has a lot of interesting responses. We had to conclude that Skeletor is a big old bottom but won't admit it. As a dom he is utterly ineffective. He's trying to make He-man kneel and all this shit but He-Man is not submissive at all. Skeletor is … lol. He really just wants to smell He-Man's dick.

The depths (heh) of his bottom nature will become apparent shortly. But first, a costume change.

Skeletor's glow up --- i'm every woman.

Honey we know you're just trying to impress He-man.

Werk tho.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Hole

The gigantic sky-sphincter directly behind the throne has slid open wide… "Begin! The Goatse Ritual! Join me, He-Man, as I become LORD OF THE GAPE" But He-Man's phallic symbol shines bright in defiance. In the end, Skeletor is vanquished symbolically by his own nature and instead of his hole swallowing He-Man, a gaping hole swallows Skeletor instead.

They don't really explain what happened to Evil-Lyn after He-Man's inevitable victory in final man to man combat but she was too smart to get caught sleeping in there and must have survived. What a hot evil competent BABE. After the events of the film end, I vote that Evil-Lyn seduces Teela (the good guy solder lady) and has a hot toxic lesbian affair with her.

Evil-Lyn serves cunt in hell 4 evar

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

Want some more?

Nice fanart

Another breakdown on Buzzfeed if you enjoyed mine this is even more gay headcanon

The movie is free on Tubi if you want to subject yourself to it.

ArmoredSuperHeavy, 19 Aug 2023

#motu #he man #skeletor #evil lyn #movies #movie review #80s movies #camp #queer coded villains