#no one asks me things anymore it makes me sad

[freezingmcxn]

The way you describe Toby is so slap-able. He’s reminds me of that one kid in school who would just do anything to annoy you no matter how hard you try to ignore them, like closing your laptop while you’re working or turning it off, throwing small things at you that might not necessarily hurt but are disruptive enough to get a reaction, insulting you in such a specific and out of pocket way, and repeating the action that finally made you crack over and over because they thrive on watching you hold back on the desire to strangle them. Is it for attention? Does he just like pushing limits? Does he actually want you to hurt him or is he just that annoying? Is this another case of ‘boys being boys’? Is being annoying a crime worthy of the electric chair? We’ll probably never know, but the fact remains that he will 100% make it your problem if you are even remotely in his vicinity. I can’t help but be genuinely curious what fuels this menacingly mischievous behaviour, and why he’s decided this is the best way to achieve whatever he’s trying to get out of being that way. Maybe it’s just entertaining and he just genuinely doesn’t give af, but as a people pleaser I can’t wrap my head around it.

(I’m just a girl in the world! Why can’t I just be a girl in peace?!?!?!)

How I treated my version of Toby Rogers (his emotions and actions towards others)

Notice I said my version, this isn’t really canonically accurate so don’t say “he wouldn’t do that” it’s how I wrote/interpret him

I wasn’t gonna answer this because I’m not writing for creepypasta anymore but…here I am, you intrigued me and made me wanna talk about him and the subject of that behaviour in general.

On the topic of creepypasta, people have wanted to ask me about things to do with my headcanons, and my own opinions, how I made them etc, you can ask me that I will answer on here, and on here only.

I used to be like you and I’d always wonder why people did such stupid shit in school, acted out etc.

I found it frustrating and irritating like how you described. But I’ll tell you one thing, I 100% don’t get irritated by that anymore.

There’s always reasoning for peoples actions, no matter how much you down play it to them just being annoying assholes, you always lead it back to something.

It can be as small as wanting to impress someone, or even just to seem cool.

People seek validation in numerous ways and for numerous reasons.

Although “attention seekers” can be annoying and confusing you should always take into account that something might be going on at home, in their head, in school etc that you don’t see or know about.

Toby was abused. Toby had mental issues.

Try deal with that for a day, a week, a month, a year, your whole life.

He always attracted attention whether he wanted to or not, the only reasoning behind my headcanon of Toby wanting to push limits is because of projection I suppose.

People pushed his limits, you can only push someone so far, before they completely break. You can only make someone so hurt until they act upon violent thoughts and hurtful words.

When there’s so much build up of material it’s eventually going to cause an avalanche, apply that to a build up of repressed emotions such as anger and sadness.

Those feelings are very explosive and can be physically and emotionally violent.

How my version of Toby acts (his menacing mischievous behaviour) is merely a mirror of his deeper feelings, whether he means to be a dick or not, he gets the gratification of being able to inflict that pain and hurt onto someone else, someone different, someone that’s not him, it’s temporary release.

You could say it’s sadistic, or you can sympathise, I leave that up for interpretation because it’s interesting to see peoples views change once they see a “bad” character was a previous victim to something heinous.

To make it easier to understand think of a leech.

Leeches suck blood from other organisms as they feed off it.

He’s like a leech, he sucks the happiness and joy out of other people’s lives and in return he gets the happiness he thinks he lost by seeing them suffer.

Now, I say “happiness he thinks he lost” because it’s artificial in my eyes, someone else’s pain being a source of your happiness is not true natural joy, it’s only a temporary happiness and you have to be more and more violent and resourceful as the source (person) distances themselves and eventually leaves.

Another thing to add is he cant deal with his own emotions so he deals with other peoples, he can control how other people feel,

Toby wants the power and control his father made him lose.

So yeah, that’s my thought process behind why Toby pushes people/ is a dickhead. I hope I explained it in an easy enough way, I like looking into things on a deep level.

#slenderverse #hcs #moon responds #creepypasta #creepypasta fandom #realistic #headcanons requests #ticci toby headcanons #character analysis #ticci toby creepypasta #ticci toby #toby rogers

[vierlieben]

Heavenly.

choi san x f!reader

genre: fluff

desc.: your boyfriend came home, feeling like the entire world is on his back. as a loving and caring girlfriend, you did something for him to make him feel not just "better", but "heavenly".

wc: 1,059

the hands of the clock told you that it's now 6:45 pm. then you continued washing the dishes. the sink's loaded after baking cookies for an order. you have been standing for like ten minutes now in here.

you know that any moment, your boyfriend would find you doing the dishes and would give you a warm back hug. as you were just thinking about that, you felt something pressed onto your body; arms wrapped around your waist, head resting on your shoulder.

you didn't even hear San enter the apartment, all you can hear is the flowing water—the faucet's loud as hell.

"well, good evening to you, mister." you greeted with a sweet tone.

you were thinking that he was just sleepy or lazy to talk, as how he always is when he gets home—but no, his head resting on your shoulder right now is heavier than ever. it is like the entire world is on your back. San is putting all of his head's weight on your shoulder but you didn't mind at all.

"hey," you turned your head to him, quickly finishing the dishes. "love, are you alright?"

you felt him shake his head lazily. few seconds passed and you are finally done with these damn dishes. you quickly dried your hands and turned around to see him; his eyes are half opened, shoulders almost dropping on the floor, and you can also feel the weight that he's carrying right now although you don't know what's going on yet.

"come here, what's wrong?" you wrapped your arms around his upper body, he rested his head on your shoulder again. "rough day at work? exhausted? tell me, baby..."

the caressing on his back made him feel calmer. San sighed so deeply. "i am not going to have rough days at work for a while because the investors in our company are now gone..."

you felt like tearing up when you heard that tone. it was low, and sad... this is your first time hearing your boyfriend talk like this and it's breaking your heart.

"oh, baby..," you gave him a couple of pats on his back. "you're going to be alright. i mean, it's fine to feel that way for now. but we're going through this, okay?"

"i know.." his tone sounded a lot better now. "it's just... i don't know, it kind of hurt me. I've been working for that company for almost two years now and it's going to close out of nowhere. i am just going to miss them. plus, i don't think i could ever stand being just here all day, doing and earning nothing."

"no, love, shush," you broke the hug and looked straight to his eyes. "come on, it's going to be fine. i will help you find a new job. but for now, the world won't end if you would just stay at home for a while with me, right? i will take care of you."

he painted an upside down smile and pulled you again for a hug. "alright then.. i just couldn't help but to feel bad. but I'm fine now that i head those from you."

"yeah..." you caressed his back once again. "would you do me a favor?"

you know so well that San is kind of workaholic... well, it's because he wants to earn and earn for his and your future together. he likes to invest in big things. he's been very helpful when it comes to financial problems, especially to his friends. that's one of the millions of things that you love about him—he is truly reliable, dependable all the time.

he can't stand it whenever he's not doing something productive. well, if it's not a job to work on, he'll be all over you; spoiling you, taking care of you as if you're a queen, taking you everywhere you'd like, just EVERYTHING. sometimes you'd feel bad because he's just doing things for you and often forgets to do something for himself, but then he would reassure you that he's fine and would finally do something about it just so you won't feel bad anymore.

"what favor?" he asked back.

"will you please stop thinking about getting a job for a while? maybe a month or two? just... i want you to get some rest, you need that. we have more than enough here, my love. what's very important right now is that you get some relaxation and time for yourself. everything's taken care of, keep that in mind. will you?" you asked him with the calmest, sweetest tone ever—the one that he won't even dare to disagree with.

he nodded, his head still on your shoulder but now lighter. "i will, baby. thank you, i love you. maybe i have been overworking a bit... i will rest for now."

"perfect," your eyes shined. you broke the hug and kissed his forehead. "now, come with me. i'll do something to make you feel better."

"but i already feel better—"

"just shut it and come with me," you glared at him, and he looked at you with his eyes smiling.

"how's that feel?"

San feels like dreaming — like he's on the clouds and there are angels singing for him.

he didn't answer your question yet. the whole bathroom is filled with nothing but silence.

he's like a child sitting on the toilet while you are shampooing and massaging his head. this is the kind of therapy that he's been craving for—too bad, why did you just think of it now? you could have made him feel good in this way before.

"hey? are you sleeping?" you whispered.

"i don't know what to say..." he whispered back, you almost didn't hear it. "heavenly..."

you smiled at the thought that maybe he's feeling so good. he really does. you're glad that you're finally making him feel this way...

"you should do this to me everytime that I'm taking a bath..." he murmured, eyes still closed. "will you?"

"you don't even have to ask." you replied. "i have been also wanting to do this but you take quick baths, how's that possible?"

he chuckled. "afraid to be late at work."

you two laughed silently.

"i'd do this to you as well, baby." he added. "maybe reward me with a kiss?"

"how many kisses are we talking about?"

#ateez #ateez fic #ateez fanfic #ateez imagines #choi san #fluff #flash fiction

[strawbubbysugar]

So uuuuuhh I was daydreaming in class today and I was imagining a scenario with Arche, so I'm curious about how this hypothetical in a different timeline/universe would play out! This is in the context of Elio still being on the front lines and the arrangement going as it's supposed to. Also this scenario would probs be years before the wedding, if that makes a difference. Here's the scene:

~~~

Arche's betrothed (not necessarily Dahmia, unless her personality is different in this world, up to you!) goes to Arche's tower and knocks on the door.

"Enter." Arche's voice is as grumpy as it usually is.

They enter the tower, closing the door behind them and standing in the middle of the room, holding themself for comfort.

"What is it?" Arche asks in a somewhat blunt manner, raising an eyebrow.

"I...I wanted to ask you something." They say quietly, not looking at him.

"Go on, then. Out with it," Arche says impatiently.

"Is...is it possible for me to somehow transfer my soul into a body built similar to yours? Perhaps...after the wedding?"

Arche's eyes widen, brows furrowed. "What-"

"We're stuck in this arrangement," They interrupt him. "Whether we like it or not. And..." Their eyes fall to the floor as they try not to get emotional.

"I don't want you to feel disgusted whenever you're around me."

Arche's face falls slightly as they continue, but he keeps his expression as neutral as he can.

"You're right," His betrothed chuckles emptily, almost embarrassed. "Humans are gross. We get sick, we have bodily fluids, weird smells, whatever. You were right as a child, and you're right now. I remember all of those times you made comments about my 'gross human stuff'."

They finally lift their eyes to meet Arche's gaze, their eyes slightly watering. "I don't want you to have to deal with that for the rest of your days. Hell, I don't want to deal with it either."

They take a step towards Arche, their face contorting to one of slight worry and sadness. "When we wake up in bed together, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable being close to me. When we have to kiss in front of everyone, I don't want you to have the feeling of wanting to jump out of the window in disgust. When we work together as rulers, I don't want you to keep your distance from me because you don't want to be around a 'filthy human'."

Arche thinks back to all of the times he made comments about humans being gross or disgusting when they both were young kids. He realizes now it's all manifesting into this very moment, and he's not sure what to say.

"Arche," They step a little closer, but give him fair space. "I know you hate this arrangement. I know you don't like me very much. I can handle that, honestly. Despite caring deeply for you, I can handle you not reciprocating that. But the thought of you being disgusted every moment you're close with me..." They shake their head, as if doing so would somehow rid them of the anxiety. "I can't stand it."

"I thought maybe...maybe I could make it more bearable for you if I wasn't human anymore. I want to make this arrangement the most pleasant it can possibly be for you. I know the whole point of us marrying is to unite the kingdoms, so it wouldn't make much sense if I wasn't human anymore. But...I don't know." They scoff in cold amusement, holding their head as they laugh at themselves. How silly. Why did they think it would be a good idea? Stupid. "I thought maybe...nevermind. I...I'm sorry."

They turn around and walk as fast as they can towards the tower's exit. "I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry for bothering you."

~~~

Sooooo yeah. I was imagining what I would do if I were in the arrangement with Arche, and I would feel soooo self-conscious after the whole "humans are smelly" thing during the dance, and just general comments/teasing every time I would sneeze or cough or something like that lol. Kinda like this moment in chapter 22 (Cubbies):

"At the mention of eating and feeling full, her stomach growled, as if to interject in the conversation. Her face flushed and she cleared her throat, hoping that he didn’t hear it. While around Beck she wouldn’t have been phased by such a small, human thing, being around an Atomaton it almost felt like admitting a weakness."

I was like "whoooa that's relatable af, i'd totally feel the same way" and then ended up daydreaming that scenario in class a couple hours later lol.

What do you think Arche would do in this hypothetical situation?

Sorry if this is kinda weird to ask about T_T

Awh this is so sweet!!! Def would be a y/n/other hypothetical princess rather than Dahmia, Dahmia (while occasionally embarrassed about human details) knows the significance of her being human and wouldn’t trade her body. She is very curious about it after seeing Cas, but if someone offered, she would decline.

I think in this hypothetical Arche would start to feel guilty about all the teasing he did as a child, and try to subtly make up for it without going out of his way to apologize. Complimenting how you smell, making a comment about how ‘interesting’ and ‘unique’ human biology is. He’d try to be slick about it so you don’t think he’s lying for your sake while trying to change your mind at the same time.

#ask #bethroned project #this was such a sweet lil ficlet omg

[redrobin-detective]

I keep thinking about how sad and unfair Ice King/Simon's relationship with Fionna and Cake was in the main Adventure Time series. We all made fun of him for writing gender bent fanfiction of Finn and Jake. Characters cringed at how obsessive Ice King got about his fantasies, the lengths he went to so they could be real. He believed so fiercely in those ideas that he acted out in ways that were extreme even for him.

Typical Adventure Time to take a gag and make it into something serious.

Because Fionna and Cake WERE real. Prismo created them and their world and then dropped it into Ice King's head. Yes, he had permission but did IK know the reason? The risks? What even was happening? Or did Prismo take advantage of the fact that Simon was a prisoner in his own mind with little agency to force more confusion into his scattered and incoherent brain. How much of his actions was the result of a godlike being knowing that Ice King's resultant behavior would be written off and dismissed.

In addition to the loss of sanity and identity Simon had to deal with over his years as Ice King, he also had the burden on an entire universe of living people living in his head adding to his delusions. How devastating that must have been for someone who could barely tell what was real on a good day.

#adventure time #fionna and cake #i cant keep this in anymore ive been thinking about it since i finished my F&C rewatch #like NO WONDER simon was so bitchy to prismo in the time room #dude admits to committing full on elder abuse #Im a nurse and watching IK is like watching one of my dementia patients #he needs structure and support and instead is burdoned with something he didnt ask for nor understand #and the resulting delerium is just brushed aside as usual ice king craziness #but it actively caused him harm as he became lost in the VERY REAL world in his head #I feel like this should've been adressed a bit more #of Prismo acknowledging the hurt he caused #and Simon should be more vocal to Oooians that fionna and cake are real and he was merely a conduit of their world #idk man no matter how you look at Ice King his whole thing is so sad #it makes me sad drives me insane

[petz5]

hello petz5 nation i am once again on the verge of tears bc of akane tendo

#everyone has all these expectations for ranma and an image in their mind of who they want him to be #like genma wants him to be the best martial artist ever and soun wants him to inherit the dojo and shampoo wants her trophy husband #ukyo wants someone to watch the kids while she runs her shop. nodoka wants him to be the Manliest Man To Ever Man #akanes the only one who actually asks what he wants and sees him for who he is #i mean ranma himself cant even do that bc he thought his life was Over in the moxibustion arc #and was so shocked when akane said he didnt need to be any of those things and she likes him bc he’s ranma #also i dont think ranmas ever been asked what he wants before. its always been what his dad wants. it must have been wild to suddenly be #w someone who values hearing ur thoughts and opinions #its sad when nodoka makes him move out of the tendos house not just bc he cant live w his fiancee anymore but bc the stability and comfort #of having a real family was gone #ANYWAY. akane tendo is the best character in the series she is so sweet #i hope this doesnt sound like shes the Mom Friend comforting Poor Baby Ranma bc i prommy ranma cares abt what she wants and actively seeks #her input even if they totally disagree on something #theyre a TEAM they support and look out for each other even if they bicker constantly #something something akanes line ‘you save me i save you. thats how itll always be’

[dtaegis]

there's something i've been thinking about since i came home. i'm feeling empty about that guy

#like today i was at a party and someone asked me if i had any love interests #and i sighed and explained the situation to him #and i realized i always do this. i sigh and explain about this One Guy that Doesn't Date Me bc he is Fucking Nervous #and it's like. i'm not mad at him. i'm not sad. ok a little bit sad #that we have good chemistry and could work as a couple #but it's just... idk if i can call him my boyfriend. idk if i want to date him anymore #which is kinda weird bc we've been building this little thing for quite some time like telling about each other's day wishing a good night #it feels like breaking up with someone yet we don't even date #idk one time i was talking about this with a friend and they said “are you sure you don't like how he makes you feel instead of liking him?” #and yeah. yeah. ig that's what it is #bc i never had someone show romantic interest so explicitly on me #idk. thinking and thinking #i wish he was the one that didn't want to stay with me no more instead of the other way out it'd make things easier for me jfjdjfjf

[dexaroth]

godddd i WANT to like minecraft so much but theres fucking nothing going onnnnn the biomes are boring the geography is def better than was before but still theres so little variation and even then the core gameplay is just. nothing. the inventory management sucks so much ass ive straight up stopped playing vanilla without bundles and the way you progress in many areas is so dumbb like teehee go find a jungle biome that could be 200 blocks or 20000 blocks away from spawn just so you dont implode of anger trying to build something decent without wasting time on countless dirt pillars. oh and also the only things that look good are structures from the outside because furnishing stuff is practically impossible since theres no furniture. lolz

there are of course many mods that adress this sort of thing but each take it in a new direction and sometimes you just want a branch of the river yknow?

ive been trying to find datapacks for this sort of thing but it doesnt seem like they can accomplish much so it leaves everything to need to be mods.. sigh

#ive said it before and ill say it again. with the amount of creativity minecraft allows it should not be the type of game you need > #>to pump full of mods to flesh out #literally the most basic thing. a pixel. now make it 3d. it doesnt get easier than that to add things to! for fucks sake!! #i keep considering learning how to make datapacks or resource packs to add my own stuff to it #but then i remember. whats the point in building a house if danger can be avoided entirely by spamming torches everyone #literally the only two things you ever need to worry about is a basic ass food meter -> just kill animals #and health -> make everythign sun bright and have an automatic beef cooker for if you do lose health #AND THEN WHAT MY GUY. THEN WHAT!!!!!!!!!! #god everytime i think about mc i feel like making a mod myself but then it loses any personal value bc you know how everything works #and you'd have to test the shit out of it too so at one point it solidifies in your memory and poof. it aint new anymore #i hate this game with the fiery passion of someone who knows how great it could be. it hurts so much. *whimper* #i was gonna say it almost surpasses the pain i have for what watchdogs could have been but wd is a much smaller scale #and its like. sad. but i genuinely feel angry at how basic minecraft is. i look at it and go are you fucking kidding me. what the fuck man #is it too much to ask for a survival game where building a house has a fucking purpose and isnt a painful process to achieve. fkin hell #dextxt

[maddy-ferguson]

the way i was devastated after vol2 aired lol, and i couldn't sleep for hours bc the vol was so shitty. but now, if s5 turns out to be shit af, i would just laugh. gotta respect the character development here bc i dont give a fuck anymore.

i walked around with a stomachache for a good 48 hours like it was really bad for me...if s5 turns out to be shit af i will walk around with a stomachache for 96 hours🙏

#ask #this said less than 96 for 21 seconds i was like that doesn't seem right #no but like #i get why some twt bylers who are wil stans first act like will getting a happy ending at all/will getting a boyfriend/will's romance arc #being good is all that matters and like that #can be done without byler being endgame because that shit fucking hurt like 48 hours isn't that long but it was SO BAD #obviously i'm team might as well have fun for two (lol) years instead of being like omg what if it doesn't happen. but it's also because i #literally haven't doubted byler since like...july 10th maybe #and when you're a twt byler whose faith in byler depends on like whether or not they like will enough to not do this to him and to give him #a nice boyfriend or whatever and you barely consider mike's side of things i see why you'd try to convince yourself that another outcome #CAN be great. when like..it cant be great they already had will fix mlvn's relationship were past will getting a random bf and mlvn endgame #and yk it's one thing to move on with your life and not be a hardcore byler anymore or to be like i don't like it that much anymore but #some of them really started being like you're sooo dumb for thinking that byler ever stood a chance😂😂😂😂 (ithoughtthattoofiveweeksago) #they're gonna give will a nice boyfriend and it's gonna be great😂😂😂👍 yeah keep telling yourself that... #but yeah i kind of get it because i wouldn't want to have to go through volume 2 all over again either lmao #but also i don't because well #they're wrong #and i'm a byler who's a will stan who also happens to use twitter frequently #as for the rest of the show well if it's bad i'll be disappointed #but my stomach probably won't hurt because of how sad it's making me #or maybe it will it's not unheard of

[munamania]

something that makes me feel guilty is the fact that seeing that persons face rn literally makes me angry. they walked into class and i nearly winced. and in all fairness they were quite kind to me. outside of the several kind of odd red flags. girl whatever. to be quite frank i am a horny bastard and vocal proud etc but few people interest me enough to actually want to hang out with and get to know And i have deep seated intimacy issues so it's like. we really dont have a shot unless the circumstances r exactly right on a full moon perfect thursday of a month etc like. well and tbh i probably would have fucked around with this person but i dont... care... about some big relationship w them.. and i know i could be a relationship girl like eventually i have it in me to have a muse that's what im built for i think idc but not rn... rn i need to hang out with my friends and do my film stuff and have people that maybe wanna make out sometimes is that so much to ask for. for a lesbian at a bar to want to make out perhaps. ** for there to be lesbians at the bars to potentially make out with.

#and i am quite lonely yes thank u for asking. yeah someday id love to get to know someone again in the context of falling in love #what about it. so what now. i dont think im meant for our understanding of romantic love but boy do i crave it #why am i having this moment rn. well ok consider im on my period all i could think about this morning was [redacted] and both parties #of my dyke drama were back in class today. and the one gay person that i think has a crush on me but we dont see each other super often #so im just. guessing based on the way awkward lesbians communicate. idk #and i feel really just mean but i quite literally dont have it in me to pretend to be nice to this person anymore #i wasnt like. some villain for realizing we were acting really coupley and being like oh shit because i didnt want to hurt them #. and trying to communicate and put some distance between us when i thought they were probably in too deep. it's unfortch it took me a sec #but jesus christ yk i cant walk around and feel awkward about it forever. and im frustrated by the fact that we're just acting so odd #but again frankly i think it's largely bc they have an unhealthy relationship with dating. THROWING HORIZONTAL PUNCHES HERE. #OK. STONES FROM A GLASS HOUSE. IM AWARE. REAL RECOGNIZES REAL. #and YET. despite my past insanity. ive been kind. i can understand disappointment and a little awkwardness #but jesus would you rather i pretend to be in love with you for months and then really break your heart. #this is where i get mean and make a joke like well hey if we couldve had weird really mediocre sad angry dyke sex abt it #that would have been cool with me. but alas. we're here instead and it's fucking with my friendships too #and like we were kind of ok friends too. what now. its just u me and this brick wall u built between us bitch #now was EYE not answering texts for a minute. we dont need to get into it. #because the thing IS if i dont play things exactly right. and im not good at that without prior planning. i will accidentally say or do #something that i know. again. from being insane myself. would be just enough for them to hold onto hope #and im not trying to do that to them you know. i was trying to help with the detachment. shitty as it may be. i dont fucking know dude #this post is going to make me look kind of. well. whatever u guys have seen me at my worst. mostly. and post #ok one last thing sorry if this makes me sound like i have a giant ego. like wow heres this person who really liked me and im just shitting #all over them. not what im meaning to do but whatever

[makkie-is-screaming]

actually went really well with my friend :))

#We Fr just painted each others nails n talked #also shared music n she’s so real #she’s like yeah I know it’s kinda cringe but I like emo n mcr is my fav band #n I was like actually I love them n u have amazing music taste #also she posted pics of us on her insta when we saw the fnaf movie last week n there were multiple ppl I used to be friends w asking abt me #Like one guy who was one of my best friends #n my bestie commented on it I forgot what but it was nice #Almost makes me sad I can’t have an insta #like ppl remember me n miss me ??? #bffr I feel like everyone hated me in middle school #But ppl actually remember me positively n want to talk to me ??🥹 #n then I remember I’m a crazy mentally I’ll bitch that can’t regulate emotions n I know most ppl wouldn’t be able to deal with me anymore #but like I have so many things wrong with me I can’t function consistently #Like I’m constantly anxious n have depression #I have an ed n a self harm addiction #for fucks sake I’ve tried to kill myself #wow now I’m spiraling #Lmao that was just a lot for me #screaming

[tortademaracuya]

love being reminded by the "bestie" that keeps being close friends with all the girls that treated me like shit about the other friend not from that group that also treated me like shit and tried to convince others to leave me

#and she talked like it was such a pity i didnt want to try anymore to 'fix' things. i never had a problem with her #she just woke up one day and decided i was shit and deserved no friends while acting like nothing was wrong when i asked #and i didnt even learn she was talking shit until years later!!! #if she doesnt think that was messed uo what does she even think of how their grouo of friends treated me...? #i knew it was being too good a day :/ always end up finding some stupid comment that makes me feel like shit #woooo im unloveable and everyone will end up hating me sooner or later wooooooooo #maybe shes right and both that and the other Incident werent anything and im being an idiot about it #why does it even matter. they were right and its my problem for getting sad that they were saying what a horrible person i am #maybe its true and my presence does ruin everything for everyone. i should just stay home and never go out again #sigh #haunted.txt #maybe its all my fault for not trying hard enough ti earn forgiveness #even though i embarrassed myself so many times to do so and it was her shit friends that kept treating me like garbage #even after saying they forgave me and refusing to give me any apologies

[wickershells]

txt

#i just dont really know what to do. my friends never express concern for me and they never tell me they love me without overt irony or some #watering down of the sentence. they never reach out when i need them and everything they say is so detached and distant and cold #and maybe im just in my head again maybe its getting to the time of year when my life routinely falls apart moreso than all the other month #but i feel so abandoned all the time. and stupid. and unloveable. my friend once told me that her love for me would erode #whenever i vanished for mental health reasons so i stopped vanishing and started instead pushing through the illness and opening up more to #her but it was too much for her to handle and all my baggage almost ended our friendship so here i am vanishing again except this time with #the debilitating knowledge that every day she loves me less and less and less. if i am not there she stops loving me and if i am she stops #loving me. what do i do. my illness takes everything from me every damn thing. she wont call me but she bought a ticket to see me in januar #and i cant reconcile it. shes visiting her girlfriend and its the same price to come over here too so i guess why not. its not really #for me. we dont have plans to do anything for my birthday and i doubt she will offer and i dont want to be the one to do so like last year #i want someone to love me without me asking them to. i want to be able to trust people without having it broken. i want to feel like an #equal and not so inferior all the time. i'm not her best friend anymore. she doesnt tell me personal things she doesnt share everything #she used to with me. i try and try to start doing the things we used to but she doesnt do them. i shared my location again but she didnt #share hers. so i stopped again and she didnt even ask me why. she has not asked if im okay in weeks. if i vanished forever i dont think #she would even notice. i cant see her mourning the loss of me. i dont think i matter that much to her. and it is so painful #with both of my best friends i watch them gladly do things with other people and never do things with me unless i beg. i am constantly #excluded from their lives i am the outsider friend. and it is so damn lonely. and every time i'm presented w the opportunity to make new #friends i'm paralysed w fear because how many times have i lost people. i'm either too little or too much or both at once. constantly absen #or constantly sad and it's poisonous i feel poisonous. i'm not fit for community despite how desperate i am for it i just feel perpetually #undeserving. and so stupid and unsuccessful in comparison to them. i'm too much effort to be around and i get why i really do #even this it's just so much heaviness all the time i am such a burden. they just don't love me as much anymore. love lost #added to my family baggage and my dead childhood dog and the nothingness of my future i just can't see myself continuing i don't know what #to do. my parents don't support me my friends are never there the nhs is a joke i am actually genuinely alone lol #what if i can't recover. some people are destined not to. what if that's me. what if i am never happy. i'm never going to accomplish #anything i'm stuck here. stagnant and unmoving. the most disposable and useless person alive #sorry. will delete later as usual. but for reasons stated above i have nowhere else to put these thoughts #and i am drowning in them #vent

[pepprs]

idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#delete later #im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty #and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related #replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has #opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg #i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy #purrs #also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old #characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped #landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only #ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing #all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so #sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j #just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was #important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i #feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those #friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters #when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me #in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol #* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad) #like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th #the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain #anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but #i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol #also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned #that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all #anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all

[aamezish]

its so ironic that i remember everyones birthday like of people who matter and who absolutely dont yet somehow people whos wish matters always forget mine

#and its not about birthday its just about remembering something about someone #and tbh i personally am not really fan of my own birthday so it didnt matter all this time but this year it was really sad #im always the one who take initiatives for celebrations at hostel and these girl literally came to tell me sorry we forgot to bring a cake #like what am i supposed to do with that piece of information? #understandable it was exams but you didnt forget about this girls who had her 2 days ago #and still i convince myself birthdays dont matter anymore everyone is busy with their lives #wouldnt hurt you to take 2 seconds to send a text like #and im so confused because ive never enjoyed the typical cutting the cake wishing and giggling traditions why im even upset #that its eventually finally fading away shouldnt i be the happiest #just because i dont keep mentioning every five minutes its my birthday on this upcoming fucking day doesnt mean you need to forget #im mad over such a silly thing but it seems like im a bit forgetful #maybe its not about birthdays and its projecting on this certain topic #this has defemitely happened before like oh shit sorry we completely forgot to invite you #or maybe all my school life i was the center of attention and didnt ahve to try so hard to make myself count #its like im always asking please mujhe bhi bula lena please bata dena jab plan karo