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ddostoyevskyy · 9 months

Text

LOVING THE MOON

ALTERNATIVE TITLE: WHEN THE NIGHT APPEARS

Dazai Osamu

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒... f!reader, suicide ideation, PM!reader, PM!Dazai, major character death, written in 1st person's point of view (use of I and me), romanticization of suicide, sensitive topics, reader is described long haired for plot purposes.

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄... I feel worse, so I have to write it off. A short drabble. I'm sorry if this is nowhere near Dazai's character, I just need to get this out of my system before I kms. Don’t hesitate to request, my request box is always open:)

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒... 2.124k

MASTERLIST.

There is a boy I have watched from afar. A boy with brown, curly hair and dark eyes. I watched him through the shadows where I'm certain he can never see me through those bandages wrapped around his head, covering one of his vision. He's ruthless with his subordinates; despite his slender figure yet broad shoulders that was draped by his dark coat and set of bandages covering his arms where his longsleeve, white button-up shows — he can throw a hell of a punch and kicks.

Mori Ougai, as I remembered my boss' name assigned me to watch over his youngest executive in the darkness where I am always out of reach; my ability were as black as my clothes and the dark circles around my eyes because of the sleepless nights with countless nightmares and horrors of screams are always haunting me to sleep. Mori Ougai told me to be aware as the boy I've been watching from afar became more fearless and formidable.

And, I always told to myself that someone as strong as him is not fitted for the Port Mafia. He can be something more. His strength and capability of surviving in the middle of fights and gunfires are admirable, that I know I cannot do life like him nor survive in such thing called life. I watched him through the darkness where it looks like he is the light; the form of strength and beauty at the same time despite clouding with grey clouds that never rains.

I have heard of his ability and I think he can help me tame those beasts in my nightmares.

But, I think he could only murder me in my sleep if I dare to.

He looks so out of reach despite being near in sight.

Moon.

That's what he reminds me of.

My whole world stayed still, heart pacing in such waves of emotions when one day, his dark eyes averted to the darkness where I've always been for the past four years since he and I were fifteen. My breath caught on my throat, but I held back my voice. His brown eyes held little to no emotion, but I could see a hint of confusion and amusement.

He saw me.

For the first time in my life, someone saw me despite hidden in the dark —hidden in the depths of my ability.

My silent gasp surely had reach his ears by the way he’s now intently looking at me without blinking, a slight smirk mused on his lips. “What do we have here? Are you real? I’m not hallucinating that there’s a pretty woman staring back at me, am I?”

The men in black glances at him with furrowed eyebrows as they averted their gazes to where the dark haired man staring at. That’s impossible, did he really saw me? Or maybe he’s really just hallucinating the way he called me... pretty. Nevertheless, I bit back my voice and stayed silent in the darkness of my ability, but his dark eyes never left me the whole time process of their assigned mission.

“Dazai?” A man’s voice appeared, Oda Sakunosuke, a Port Mafia member who never shot any bullet from his gun, a man with morals. His hair is dark maroon while his eyes are in a shade of sky blue with a stubble face. “Where are you looking at?”

He pointed in my direction as I stayed quiet. “Do we have a new Port Mafia member?”

Oda’s eyebrow furrowed, “None that I know. Why?”

“Is there any ability user who use shadows?”

“There’s one, I think the boss has been keeping and another high ranked like you, but I don’t really know any details. I was told this upper rank is only active at night.” Oda answered as he stared where Dazai has been looking too and I internally screamed. Did that man noticed me too? I’ve been hiding and watching him for four years, and now, he have taken notice of my presence.

“Do you see her? There,” Dazai pointed on my direction again as I shifted on my position, the darkness following me whenever I move, whenever I go and even in my sleep as they appear in my dreams. “She’s moving away, Odasaku! Let’s catch her.”

Shit! I hissed under my breath. Mori Ougai told me that if this man ever notice my presence, I should never face him.

But just like the moonlight shining through the darkness of the night, I can’t escape its light even if I hide through its own darkness; through its own shadows.

My breath were caught when a surprisingly warm hand despite his cold demeanor had caught my wrist as I abruptly stopped when a green dust of light appeared before my eyes and all those darkness I’ve been hiding from disappeared, the coldness I’ve felt for almost my whole life momentarily fading.

“See, I told you, Odasaku! I’m not hallucinating!” He said, enthusiastically and I frowned, a shaky sigh escapes my lips as I kept my head lowered while his fingers wrapped around my wrist in a firm grip. It was so warm as though soaked in a summer sun with an evident of rough fingertips that sent tingling jolts on my spine. Warm, that is only the thing on my mind.

Why don’t night can’t feel like this? Like the touch of his hand; like the sudden momentarily sparks of euphoria in my system. Night always feels cold and scary and I can’t enjoy the dose of the daylight because I’m always hiding in the dark. It burns in my skin as if my flesh is on flame as he tugged me near the sunlight as I hissed.

My eyes averted to the man with maroon hair as he stared back at me with furrowed eyebrows.

“(Name)?” My name escapes his lips and I pursed mine.

“You know her? (Name)?”

“I thought you were dead, (Name).” Dazai momentarily let go of my wrist, yet I felt him tug on the hem of my dark coat’s sleeve as Oda stepped closer to me. I have known him, Oda Sakunosuke. He’s also the reason why I am not eaten properly by my own ability and now he had found me once again.

“I thought so too... Sakunosuke.” My voice came off as whisper.

“You look worse than the last time I saw you,” He retorted and my lips formed in a small pout. He didn’t have to tell me the obvious, but I feel warmer than I expected as he put a hand on top of my head before softly patting. “But I’m glad, you’re alright.”

My lips softly parted as I breathed. He sounds like a father scolding his daughter now, and I don’t blame him for that.

I was too drawn to the moon that I never realized I finally liking the night.

Oda managed to pull me out of the darkness again with the help of him; the man who made me love the moon again. I can’t help but to appreciate such short time Dazai Osamu and I known each other — even though, I’ve known him for years, there’s nothing to compare to when he’s already been aware of my presence even in darkness. I viewed him as the moon — shining so bright in the dark, despite his dark eyes. Or maybe I’m just too lonely that I seek his warmth that he made me feel in just a touch of a hand.

I am addicted to the moon and its scent.

The sparkles of the moon in the dark sky is something I never adored. But this moment when Dazai and I coincidentally met on the rooftop of the Port Mafia’s headquarters. His scent alcohol mixed with cigarettes, both sending tingling sensation on my sense of smell.

“The boss told me I could find you here,” He leaned on the railings with both of his arms folded as I am seated at the edge of railings. “Penny for thoughts of a pretty lady?”

A random thought came across in my mind as I glance at him, his dark eyes already looking at me. Despite its hollow and emptiness, it sparkles under the bright full moon and it made my heart flutter as my gaze softened, my lips parting slowly as I licked my lips before I raise my arm, letting go one of my will to live as my other hand gripping the railings.

I finally caressed the moon.

My hand planted on his dark hair that was surprisingly soft in my fingertips. I could feel him halt on my touch as I grab a few strands of his hair covering his face.

“I want to cut my hair this short and I want to buy a pretty white dress, so I will look beautiful when I die.”

The moon is also looking back at me.

He turned completely silent as he stared at me, examining my face as his gaze hovers on my lips before his brown eyes came back to mine. He let me caress his hair as I brush it away from his handsome face.

“You’re drown to death too?” He muttered, voice basking with the wind as though caressing me in such a gentle manner — but there’s no gentle in his manners, nor mercy with his beauty caressed by the moon.

“Maybe,” I answered with honestly. “My life has been slipping away eversince Mister Mori asked me to watch over you. I have been stucked in my ability which conquers me to the darkness for all my life.”

The moon smiles at me.

Although, not a heartwarming smile, he gave me a smile that made my heart shivered.

“How do I look?” He grinned and my heart can’t do it anymore.

I called the moon pretty.

“Pretty.” I mindlessly said as his grin fade a little, his reaction really caught off guard but his smile came back again as he shook his head.

“Someone had called me bastard and stupid, but I never thought I will encounter someone who’ll call me something unexpected.” He marveled at the way my face flushed in shade of embarrassment as I pull my hand away from caressing his hair.

“(Name), if I give you a reason to live, will you take it and live with me?”

The moon gave me a reason to live.

My eyes darted on him, almost a glare with furrowed eyebrows as he anticipated my answer, but I fell silent like my sleepless night without my horrors of screams as though my nightmares are already calm, the waves of my emotions are already tamed; that I am no longer in the dark. He grabbed my wrist like he did when he had nullified my ability of darkness — tonight, he grabbed my wrist to pull me away from death.

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”

The only thing I could muster to say to the moon as it stared back at me with those dark eyes that held emotion I didn’t understand at first. But, when I realized it after he left — after a friend had died, I hid with the darkness again where I belonged before he pulled me into the light of his own darkness.

The moon brought light to me as it also push me to the pit of darkness again, darkness I called warmth as he gazed at me.

He made me love the moon; the moon that he is — illuminating and dominating against those multiple stars that I never noticed until my heart chose to. If that what makes him the moon, I can be the stars — shining in the dark sky and blinded in the moonlight. Both planets and orbits lined up in the universe and in the middle of it, there’s the moon that gave me the reason to live. I realized how much of an impact he emotionally gave me unconsciously.

The day he left, the day I appreciated the full moon; the moon that resembles Dazai Osamu — the mysterious man who made me leave the dark I am used to. And, the day he left, he brought my heart with him.

My moon.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.