#ngl i think its one of the most slept on songs

[ellabsbitch]

training wheels

pairing: ellie williams x reader

warnings: 18+ minors dni, lil possessiveness, ellie kinda stern with r ngl, she is sweet too tho trust, face slapping, fingering, dirty talk ig, idk what else

a/n: i’ve been trying to finish this for literally so long but today i had a sudden urge to finish it so here we are! i hope you enjoy n lmk what you think. also at first i was using the song “training wheels” by melanie martinez but it doesn’t match a lot but i kept the title. also kinda proofread kinda not so sorry if there’s typos.

wc: 4.1k :0

ever since you walked into Jackson, ellie has felt an overwhelming urge to protect you. she saw how nervous you were when you were meeting everyone and it made her want to take you in her arms and never let go.

eventually, you and ellie became very close friends. the two of you hardly spent time away from each other, unless she went on patrol. nonetheless, the first thing she would do when she got back from patrol was come see you. she loved the look on your face when she surprised you when coming home early. you would practically leap into her arms and tell her how much you missed her.

ellie just loved that about you, how sweet you are. you hardly ever became angry, if anything, you were like a ray of sunshine that ellie desperately needed in her life. the way you always were tending to others and never put yourself first made that funny feeling continue to grow in ellie’s chest, the urge to take care of you.

not only were you so kind, you also were so innocent. when you went to the tipsy bison with ellie and her friends, the group cracked vulgar jokes all night that had everyone crying laughing. meanwhile, when ellie looked to you, she saw the quirk of your brow as you sat in confusion. without explaining, she rubbed the small of your back with a soft smile. she liked that you didn’t understand the crude jokes they made.

one time at one of many sleepovers, ellie was sitting on your living room couch waiting for you to finish getting ready for bed when you came downstairs in the most skimpy pair of pink shorts she had ever seen. not only that, you also adorned a nearly see-through white tank top. with a quick glance at your chest, she immediately took notice that you weren’t wearing a bra either.

ellie’s skin grew hot as she watched you walk towards her, looking like you came straight out of that playboy magazine she found awhile back when she was patrolling with dina. you stood in front of her, fingers tangled together in shyness.

“does this look okay ellie?” you said, finally uncrossing your arms, giving ellie a perfect view of the hardness peaking through the fabric of the tight tank top. ellie didn’t even get a second to retrieve the air back into her lungs before she watches as you turn around, showing off the way the shorts fall so short on your ass that it was leaving nothing to the imagination. the air must’ve made its way back to ellie because she’s sighing out as she stares as your beautiful body, at a loss for words.

“you look beautiful, sweetheart,” she gritted out, all while staring at you with so much adoration. she watches as you giggle and turn back around to jump onto the couch and cuddle up next to her.

“thank you els,” you say, looking up at her with wide eyes, having no clue what you are doing to her.

however, as much as she felt the need to protect you, she also wanted to be the one to ruin you. at sleepovers, when y’all slept settled up right against each other, she dreamt about taking you right there. she often fantasized while on patrol about how you would feel if she ever got the chance to have you, leaving her to excuse herself from her designated patrol partner to deal with her problem else where.

slowly, ellie started to cross the line of friendliness and flirting. whenever out with friends, she would find herself resting her hand on the inside of your thigh if you sat next to her (which was majority of the time). whenever she saw someone staring at you if you guys were out, ellie would pull you tightly into her side and run off the person just from her piercing glare. at your usual movie sleepovers, she led you to her lap during the movie rather than your usual spot next to her. all through the movie, ellie’s hands rubbed from the outside to the inside of your thighs, leaving you with tingles in your lower body.

more recently, ellie found herself reprimanding you when you decided you were going to act out. whenever you began to whine after ellie ended up winning in a game of “go fish”, ellie was quick to correct you with a stern pat to the side of your thigh and a simple, “no whining” that immediately shut you up.

one night when you and her went out with dina and jesse, she watched you and dina dash to the dance floor, leaving her and jesse to talk at the bar. as jesse began rambling on about the patrolling routes, her eyes flitted from him to you every few seconds, making sure you were okay. after double-checking on you, she turns back to jesse and finds herself laughing at the impressions he makes of the people at the bar.

she’d gotten so caught up with jesse that for a moment she forgot where you went, glancing to the barstool next to her. the anxiety in her chest fades away when realization hits her as she remembers you were just dancing with dina. however, the anxiety quickly turns into anger due to the fact she wasn’t expecting to look back at you to find you dancing with one of the guys that work at the bar with Seth. though you seemed to just be having fun, the guy clearly had different intentions than you. for a moment, she watched as he pressed himself into you from behind and she swore she saw red. ellie hastily excused herself from the conversation with jesse and made a beeline to you.

you don’t notice her presence at first, that was until you felt a familiar grip around your wrist, yanking you in the same direction. whipping your head towards her, you don’t even get the chance to see her face at the rate she’s already dragging you away from the scene and out of the bar. your feet tangled together as you struggled to match her pace and after a few minutes of trying and failing to keep up with ellie, your wrist starts to feel numb and you whimper when the grip on your wrists does not let up.

hearing your whimper, her grip loosens and she stops walking all together, now turning to fully face you. finally getting a look at her face, you see a range of emotions dancing in her eyes, most notably, anger. you cower under her angry stare, diverting your eyes to your pink converse that contrast greatly next to her black pair.

the ground becomes very interesting to look at while you avoid your favorite pair of green eyes. before you get the chance to count the 5th rock you’ve started concentrating on, you feel her grip your chin, placing her thumb under your bottom lip and her index under your chin. she lifts your head back up to meet her gaze and she looks as mad as ever.

“i don’t ever wanna see you dancing with anyone like that, okay baby? promise me you won’t do that again.” she says, surprisingly soft for the way her eyes beat down onto you. without a second thought, you nod your head, heart beating out of your chest. she shakes her head, reaching her other hand up to run her fingers through your messy hair, “i need words pretty.”

you shake under her stare, attempting to swallow before responding, “no more els, i’m sorry.” her palms find your cheeks, as she cups your face between them and smiles, “good girl.” the ache between your legs, like the one you get when she touches you, returns at her words and you sigh out, leaning into her palm.

never did you question ellie’s actions, or thought of them as weird considering you two were just friends. you believed she knew what was best for you. in fact, you loved when ellie was more possessive over you. though you didn’t understand what exactly was going on between you two, you knew that ellie was the reason for the pounding between your thighs whenever she was near.

~~~~~~~~

tonight was your weekly movie night. you and ellie were currently sat on your soft couch, cuddled up next to each other watching a movie she found while on patrol the day before. with one glance at ellie, you thought you were going to die at the familiar ache that began to grow between your legs.

ellie was leaned back against the couch, legs spread out in relaxation with her arms resting on the back of the couch. her left arm was right against your back and every so often you would feel her hand dip down and rub at your shoulder. your stare doesn’t falter when she glances down at you and smiles, her eyes meet your own before she turns back toward the flashing colors exuding from the tv. the throbbing grows stronger causing your eyes to glaze over in want. you didn’t know what would stop the ache, but you knew you needed her to touch you.

trying not to make your feelings so obvious, you slowly scoot closer into her side and leaning your head on her upper body. your eyes never leave hers through your movements, though she never even looks at you. you almost whine at the lack of attention she’s giving you but you remember her expressing to you how she doesn’t like whining, she would rather talk to her than whine.

you twitch again, moving even further into her, leaving no room left between you two. at your continued movement, her head turns down towards where you’re staring up at her with a look in your eye that ellie can’t put her finger on. her arm drops from the back of the couch to wrap around your waist, holding you tightly to her.

“what is it, pretty?” she whispers, the loud movie playing in the background. ellie watches as you whimper at the compliment and her eyes drop down to see you try to subtlety squeeze your thighs together.

when she looks back up at your face, she notices you biting your lip as you stare back at her. ellie nearly groans out at the way you are looking at her, eyes glazed over in need.

as for you, her intense gaze makes you nervous, leading you to look down at your lap. ellie is quick to pull your chin back up to face her and you whine out at the physical contact. she tuts at the noise, gripping your chin a little harder.

“hey, none of that. use your words baby,” she says with a stern tone and a shake of her head. the grip she has on your chin only intensifies the want you are craving from her.

you feel your cheeks heat up at the nickname and you suddenly feel very shy. truth be told, you don’t know what is wrong so how can you tell her?. all you know is that you need ellie to make it better.

“it hurts els…” you trail off, starting to slowly move your hips. thought ellie knows exactly what ‘hurts’, she tries her best to put on her best worried expression for you.

“tell me what hurts so i can make you feel better baby,” ellie says, hand moving from your chin to the side of your face, holding your face in her palm.

you lean into the warmth of her palm and nuzzle your cheek into it. ellie smiles down at you, watching as you slowly lose your mind as the intensity of your wanting grew stronger.

you sob out to her, control being tossed out the window, “b-between my legs… it only feels better when you touch me.” with your words, you try to drag the hand that is at your waist down where you need it most.

you don’t get far as ellie is quick to snatch your hand in her iron tight grip. the pleasant look on her face disappears in seconds, now replaced with an icy glare conveniently directed straight at you.

“uh-uh, you ask me nicely to touch you,” ellie grits out at you. unfortunately for you, a whine escapes your lips causing ellie’s grip on your hand and face to tighten even more. “i’m trying to be sweet with you baby but you’re acting like a selfish brat. maybe you don’t deserve my kindness.”

crying out, you begin to beg for forgiveness. “n-no i’m sorry els i’ll be a good girl for you, please i’m sorry,” you find yourself crawling into her lap as you speak without any resistance from her side. ellie looks at you with a skeptical eye and she tilts her head slightly to the side.

“be a good girl and ask nicely for me to touch you,” she finally answers, her touch disappearing from your skin. at the loss of her warm hands on your body, you pout, neediness growing stronger.

“please els, ‘m sorry, j-just need you touch me!” you whine out to her, eyes wide as you take on the lustful gaze in her own. she stares back at you, considering your words.

absentmindedly during her consideration, you grind your core into her jean-covered lap, the thick material sending shots of pleasure to your warmth.

hit with the realization of your movements, ellie’s hands pop up and the iron grip on your hips returns shortly after she lands a heavy slap onto the side of your thigh. she holds your hips down onto her lap, the pressure stimulating your bundle of nerves. eyes now tightly shut, you cry out at the closeness, leaving her to scoff up at you. suddenly, there’s a quick slap the side of your face, whipping your face to the side.

your eyes fall shut as heat spreads across your cheek. tears leak down your reddened face, you peek back open to see those familiar green eyes pouring into youl. her fiery stare matches the harsh grip she keeps on your body, not letting up in the slightest.

“are you too fucking dumb to follow my simple directions? my little slut is so needy she can’t listen to a word i say?” her voice fills the previously silent room, apart from the panting that could be heard from the both of you. you shudder, however you fail to respond to her assertions, leaving her to mockingly coo at you, “that’s okay baby, i’ll just have to make you listen.”

an unfamiliar feeling coursed up and throughout your body at the thought of what’s to come. whether it was fear or excitement, it made you grow even more wet than you already were. in a flash, your pink pajama shorts are being ripped down your shaky body.

gasping at the sudden coolness from the air hitting the insides of your thighs, you try to close your legs to stop from shivering. before you could get your legs shut, ellie’s hands glide down to your knees where she yanks them back open to spread you out for her.

“no more hiding from me baby,” lips slowly turning up into a grin as she glances from your face down to what lies between your thighs. slowly, one of the hands that gripped the back of your knee smooths over your legs up to the waistband of your underwear, in which she runs the tips of her fingers across. her teasing causes your core to ache even more leaving you a whining mess above her. she breaks her trance when her eyes meet yours, lips breaking out into a smirk before her head dips down to leave gentle kisses on your lower abdomen.

she leaves a trail of kisses down to the top of your underwear, each one producing a new wave of chills that roll down your body. ellie pulls away for a moment admiring the whimpering mess that you’ve become before she is yanking your soaked underwear down your legs to fall on top of your forgotten pajama shorts.

still spread out on top of her, you let out a loud moan when the chill air hits your naked center. almost as if she knew, ellie’s grip on your legs tightens the second she feels your legs move to close again. another one of her smirks appears on your face and she pulls her head back up to leave a kiss on your lips, yours wet with tears due to the teasing she’s done thus far. your lips mold along with hers while her hands slip up to rub at the sides of your hips. just as the kiss gets intense, her growing more aggressive as you get more worked up, she pulls away and reaches up to cup your warm face with her rough hands.

“you still with me baby?” she quietly ask, her gaze dancing between your eyes. you immediately nod your head and close your eyes to lean back into the kiss, though you’re pulled back before you can even get close. she’s shaking her head at you when you open your eyes, the grip she has on your face tightening. “i need words sweet girl.”

“y-yes els, i’m with you,” you murmur, so entranced by her beauty that you can hardly think straight. she’s staring back at you with that same lustful look, making you squirm on her lap.

she smirks, “there’s my good girl. now why don’t you lay on the coach for me, okay baby?” once again you nod your head before remembering her previous words, then you respond with an, “okay els.”

you slide off of her lap with ease, eyes glancing toward the movie that had been long forgotten by now. a familiar rough hand reaches down to guide your face back towards the reason for your need and you find those green eyes that you adore so much staring right back at you. ellie smiles down at you, hand drifting up to brush your hair back into place from the messy movements, leaving you sighing at her soft touch. her body cages you from above and you shudder when you glance at her lean arms that stand next to your head. the hand in your hair trails back down to stroke your jaw as she gets situated on top of you.

“you just needed my help, huh pretty girl? your little cunt was aching so bad, you just needed me to make you feel better?” she pouts down at you, still stroking the side of your face. you whine at the truth behind her words, knowing she is exactly what you needed.

“yes els, need you to make it stop!” you whine out, back unknowingly arching up towards her touch. ellie can’t help but grin at the desperation of your words, the hand not occupied with your face smoothing down toward the place you need her most.

“i’ll make it better for you sweet girl, you don’t have to whine,” she says slightly giggling at your neediness. you pout at her laughs and as soon as she notices, she’s apologizing. “sorry baby, you just look so cute when you’re needy…” she states with a smile. heat rises up your neck but you can’t be bothered to cower away in embarrassment, too needy for her touch.

without further teasing, she eases her hand down to your spread legs and slowly begins to swipe up and down your slit. you cry out at the feeling, keeping your eyes trained on her concentrated expression. she glances up at your face for a moment before she starts thumbing at your clit.

“you’re so wet baby, and i’ve barely touched you. it must’ve been hurting so bad, huh?” she coos down at your pouting face. you nod quickly at her assumption, rocking your hips to meet each movement she makes on your cunt. “my sweet girl, i’ll make you feel better.”

with her words, she eases her way to your little hole, rubbing at the wetness that’s collecting there. slowly, she sinks her middle finger into her wanting hole and you can’t help but arch your back at the intrusion. you moan out at the new sensation, shuddering from the warmth that she provides you.

“e-els…” voice cracking at the slow pace she drags on, letting you get used to the new feeling. her hand at your cheek strokes your face as she peers back up at you.

“sh, sh, shhh, i got you baby, just take it for me,” she nearly moans herself, your beautiful body captivating her thoughts. her slow pace has you wanting more now that the initial pain subsides and you whine out a, “m-more please ellie!” she grins but nonetheless, slips out of you before gathering up more of your wetness to ease in her ring finger along with her middle finger.

the fullness you feel sends shots of pleasure up your body, leaving you a panting mess below her. she takes your moans of pleasure as a sign to quicken her movements, as she speeds up the attack on your aching center. ellie’s fingers pound into your cunt at an alarming pace that brings tears down your face and whimpers from your lips.

“yeah, this is just what you needed, huh baby? needed me to fuck the neediness outta ya’?” ellie groans out at the sight of the mess you’re making around her fingers. the sight only makes her fingers quicken and she find the spot that will send you over the edge if she keeps up the pace.

“y-yes needed it so bad! needed y-your fingers els,” whining out to her, feeling an overwhelming sensation take over your body. you feel something new building up lower and you welcome it with a loud cry.

“yeah just like that, sweet girl. just let go for me,” ellie replies, eyes never leaving your blown out orbs, glazed over in desire. her pace never falters, even as you’re screaming out as you near your release. you feel the new sensation start to come undone and you call out her name as you release all over her fingers. she guides you through your orgasm, free hand cradling your cheek as she whispers praises from above, and she slowly begins to ease the pace she has on your cunt. the tears don’t stop while you come down from your high, eyes staring up at ellie’s, taking in her words that leave your body shaking underneath her.

“that’s my good girl, you did so good for me. i’m so proud of you baby,” she whispers, leaning down to kiss the tears that still trickle for the corner of your eyes. once you’ve finally reached the end of your release, ellie gently slips her fingers from you and wipes her hand before reaching her hand up to join the other as she cradles your face between them. her kisses are littered across your entire face, sending you in a fit of giggle at the tickling sensation they leave behind. ellie pulls away to smile down at you, leaving one final kiss on your swollen lips. she disconnects the tender kiss to look at you once more, admiring your reddened cheeks and watery eyes.

“my beautiful girl,” she states with a soft smile that has you blushing even more. you watch as she gets up from the couch with a quick “be right back” and she disappears into the darkness. when she returns, she has a washcloth and a new pair of underwear along with some new sleep shorts for you to wear. softly, she cleans you up, quick apologies leaving her lips if she grazes a sensitive area. once she has you cleaned up, she helps you get into your new clothes before laying you back down onto the couch. ellie grabs the nearest blanket, yearning to get back to you as soon as possible, and bundles you both up underneath it. she slides in behind you and holds you in between her arms, leaving a kiss to your head when she notices your eyes drifting closed. you hear her mumble out a gentle, “rest my sweet girl,” before you fall into the most restful slumber you’ve had in weeks, between her warm embrace.

#ellie x reader #ellie smut #ellie williams #ellie williams smut #ellie x fem reader #smut #ellie the last of us #ellie tlou #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x female reader #ellie williams x you #tlou #ellie williams tlou #ellie williams fanfic

[dearlyjun]

Omg I almost hit unfollow instead of talk I WAS LIKE NOOOO!!

Ooooo thats so nice!! Being a Multistan is great until you become broke! My first kpop group was Exo I remember Watching Monster and looking at Baekyun and being like who is this man and why is he so pretty!! Ngl I hid the fact that I was into kpop when I was in High school because it is so much more accepted now than back in like 2016! I remember one time in my AP Econ class I was sitting down and my school played a minute of a song before the bell rang and they played TT by twice and this guy behind me says "just like tt" AND I TURNED SO FAST!! I was like this isnt happening! we were both so shocked to find out the other was into kpop.

I am ENFJ from my last test result I took one last year!

I SAW A TT today and it was people making fun of californians because were all freezing our asses off rn! I really need to buy warmer clothing. I say this but I slept in shorts and a t shirt with the fan on last night....I KNOWW. I dont think I would enjoy driving in the snow that much. I feel like I would be stressed 24/7.

Japan is soooo nicee ive always wanted to visit!!

I saw your post about online schooling and let me tell you Ive always hated it. It feels so weird and you cant meet anyone and its lonely!!

Oh my god IM SORRY I TALK A LOT

ang please I love talking whether that’s to other people or just to myself so please I don’t mind!! 😭 (also hope if it’s okay if I call you a million variations of your name / nicknames because I do that lol)

ah I have actually known about seventeen since their debut in 2015 but I didn’t become a carat until 2022. weird shit. and I liked bts a teensy bit in 2019 when mots: persona came out but again….stopped listening. then the kpop stan came full force in april 2022. maybe it’s a good thing I wasn’t a kpop stan back in the day bc the pain of not seeing concerts sucks real bad. I actually don’t have any kpop stan besties irl, I’ve just converted my sister 🤠 she likes most of the same groups as me, just not the girl groups. (well she’s a casual newjeans listener)

I don’t even know what the weather is like in cali lol but I guess your cold is different from my cold. it’s like 35° here and I just went to the gym in a hoodie and a winter vest. we’re actually about to get some snow I think….grrrr😠 and yeh driving in it sucks. I’ve driven in snow storms so bad that you have to like sit up and drive in silence the whole way because you have to lock in.

since im going into the automotive industry, my mom has big hopes for me to work in Japan someday. even if its just temporary like a year or so. Im hoping after I graduate college i can travel there for fun and “plant the seeds.” BUT!! I have to learn some of the language first. im too sporadic with it and really need to buckle down.

yeah…..im a lonely girly lately. it’s really getting to me. I’m in my second to last semester of school and doing everything all online is just so very sad. I yearn for friendships.

#ash replies #angie ☆

[yyunari]

omg HAHAH yess epic winter is banger!! im thinking 🤓🤓 that ngl i dont really like that faybelle didn't really "learn"(?) much out of it? like the whole signing a deal without reading. like we can tell she's implied to BE better cus she's in the bff pics in crystal's room at the end but it feels so rushed? in a sense 🤠🤠🤠 like i get she's gonna be a villain eventually but like man come on do my girl some justice 😔😔👎 like when i saw the outfits when i was a wee lil kid i was like THIS IS THE MOST GORGEOUS THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! esp faybelle's and her crystal wings i need to kiss whoever thought of that that was GENIUS 🤯🤯🤩🤩

ok yes but it feel like jackie frost and northwind's takeover of the snow kingdom was ALSO rushed like the ppl were fs like "OH HECK WE HAVE NO MORE TIME EVERYONE GOGOGO LET GOOD WIN ASAP" like they were annoying but like not omg i NEED to punch them annoying ykwim AKKDLWG maybe it's just me LOL but yes way too wonderland is super banger too!!

esp that scene where raven returned the pages to each chara HELLOOOO that was so tear jerking i may or may not have shed a tear esp after apple's character development!! in the whole do you wonder song where they all got pretty wonderlanderful outfits idk maybe it's bc im just pessimistic but if i was darling and i didnt have a whole transformation with them and ended up in a tree and woke up only when they left idk how 15yo me would have took it LMAOO 😭😭😭 defo not well tbh i would have CRIED but darling is so cool i love her aaaaa (can she save me too i mean WHAT)

oh lord i lost the plot BUT yeah i fr thought eah was super super popular too but i guess not?? maybe bc we were young so we didn't know. also i can get why people find apple annoying but most of them don't talk about/see her development like ok it's not the best and she can grow more but her change and how much she grew is amazing esp for a 15-17y.o. like i just KNOW the same people who hate her are the same people who complain about characters who have no flaws like ???? how do u hate development but also hate no development can u pick a struggle 😭😭🤠🤠

but yes i did wanted to ask on ur opinion on the characters (like apple) too. maybe i should make a 20(?) questions thing for eah bc my brain is WORKING 😃👍 i agree that eah had so much potential esp for all the characters' development!! and also!! omg which dolls do u have :O

also girl (is this gendered term ok with u btw, bc i can stick with slayer if not!) did u leave ur computer on bc i slept at 5:30am (for me) and it's almost 3pm now and u are still online HELP 😭⁉️ and yes i DID sleep ok (lol <3 hrs gang wya) THIS GOT SO LONG LMFAO I THINK ITS GONNA BE SPLIT NAURRR (update it's not somehow :O) istg i NEED eah to come back apparently the last activity/media/wtv of it was back in 2018 can mattel use all the barbie profits to fund a reboot PLSSS 😔😔

but i would like to say thank u for returning the energy and answering everything om 😭😭🩵🩵 ive always struggled w that growing up woop so it feels weird but amazing owo (i didnt answer about niki Lol looking forward to the fic and the references!!also common niki L (affectionate) hehe 🥰🥰

yesss i completely get what ur saying i feel like towards the end of the series they definitely rushed some things but it still slapped🙏🙏🙏 THE OUTFITS WERE ALWAYS AMAZINGGG like for literally everything they somehow managed to make every character wear a drop dead gorgeous outfit like even to this day i want to steal all of their wardrobes🤓 faybelle was too queen for everyone to handle but no one’s ready for that 🫡

omfg and rosabella and daring😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 that shit was crazy to me when i was younger LMFAOOO esp since i was so apple and daring

SPEAKINF OF APPLE im so glad u brought her up because I COMPLETELY AGREE😭😭😭 i literally love apple so much and it pisses me off that people only pay attention to the side of her that’s pushy and stuff and don’t ever talk about her development like?? the thing about apple that most people don’t realize is that she never tried to hurt her friends and that she always only cared about raven, like she pushed raven to follow her destiny because she was worried that raven was going to poof and she didn’t want to see her friend disappear ☝️ and during true hearts day when ashlynn and hunter revealed they were dating apple was confused about it at first but she was willing to push aside all her previous biases against royals and rebels dating to try to understand ashlynn because she CARES about her 😔😔😔 it’s so sad to me that people only pay attention to the annoying side of apple and not the side of her that cares about her friends and is genuinely looking out for them ughhhh i love her sm her character development is so good

that 20 questions thing sounds so fun LOL u should definitely do it🙏 in terms of characters, my top three is ashlynn, cupid, and apple i love them sm☝️☝️☝️ my main character opinion is that apple isn’t the villain that most people make her out to be but this is random but i wish the creators made hunter huntsman hotter LMAOOOO cus i’ve never really found him attarcttive, i like his character and he’s good for ashlynn butttt at the same time ashlynn is really pretty and he’s kind of mid in terms of looks… but he’s nice😋

the dolls i had were all they in their regular outfits, i think it was apple, raven, maddie, and possibly blondie? i cant really remember if i had any more or not but those were the dolls i can think of, i also had other eah branded things because i was literally sooo obsessed like i had a diary that was rebel on one side and royal on the other, and it played the theme song but i lost it😭😭😭😭

yess girl ok with me since i do identify myself as female🙏🙏 i think tumblr just always says i’m active since it’s on my phone LOL idk discord does the same thing for some reason😵‍💫 and i’m glad u slept well!! istg eah needs to come back or i’ll cry😢 if they come back they should do a live action and i will literally audition to be ashlynn🙏🙏 idc that she’s supposed to be white i’ll be the first asian ashlynn 😜😜

and omg im glad i always try to answer everything when i’m having a conversation with people because i know what it feels like for things to be ignored and i hated that feeling so🙏 but yes look forward to the fic bc i literally finished it today WOO WOO it’s all coming together😍😍😍☝️

#in conclusion apple will always and forever be that girl #❁ཻུ۪۪ ☽༓･ ──── ( messages ! ) #❀࿔₊° ──── ( anons ! )

[ihophashbrowns]

2022 is ending and the public needs to know what your most & least favorite kpop releases were this year! there was good stuff, bad stuff, underwhelming stuff, growers, etc. lets hear yours! :D

the way it would be easier to count the stuff i liked vs the stuff i disliked 😭😭 anyways here's my favorite releases this year...

20. generation - tripleS

fun, upbeat, the mv has a nice laid back "aesthetic" feel to it. the only ppl who didnt like it were miserable newjeans stans! 😭

19. hair cut - xdinary heroes

i actually liked the chorus... doesnt have much replay value but i do listen it whenever it comes on

18. antifragile - le sserafim

i DID love this one, it had to grow on me but its catchy af! 😭

17. forever 1 - snsd

this one had to grow on me too! but its super cute and sweet!,

16. mascara - xg

people who said they didnt like this are liars!! have you considered not messing with your mascara..?

15. nabillera - hyuna

there were a LOT of growers this year! even when i first listened to it i thought she was going for babe pt.2 and when i started liking it i knew that was in fact the case!

14. stupid cool - dawn

i got it on the first listen. i love the beat and i thought the lyrics were absolutely adorable :(

13. talk that talk - twice

pop perfection! the chorus is everything

12. aria - yerin

u either get it you dont! the two gfriend soloists deserve so much better it surprised me how much buddys slept on this release. but i was SEATED!

11. dice - onew

father was fathering through the whole album IDGAF!!! like every song is so good and well made, well sang. this is the superior kpop song named dice that was released this year. lol.

10. maison - dreamcatcher

its catchy af and the message is so REAL! ngl at first i thought they made that word up for the song but i looked it up and its french for "home" so 😭😭 extra points for making me think they came up with that word themselves

9. illusion - aespa

its cunty! catchy! i definitely got it on the first listen! (points off for the yummy yummy yummy in your tummy tummy tummy line tho)

8. bop bop! - viviz

if u hate this song you hate fun tbh! the thing i loved about this song is that it felt less like a debut song and more like a comeback song. we love you viviz.

7. good boy gone bad - txt

i had to pretend like i didnt get it on the 1st-and-a-half listen bcuz i was still very much in my txt anti era. but now im normal so i can appreciate what this song means to me ❤

6. jikjin - treasure

why were so many people pretending like they didnt fuck heavy with this song. perhaps broaden your mindset like. [korean korean] jikjiiiiiiinnnn woooooooooooooo. anw it feels like pop rocks to my brain and in the best way possible so its here.

TOP 5. These were the objectively best releases of 2022!

5. last sequence - wjsn

thats gay clubbing music baby! something about this song feels so... not 2022. more like i opened a time portal and went back to mid-2017. idk why. but i love that vibe.

4. shut down - blackpink

the lyrics, production, that violin, everything about this song was an instant hit. no im not just saying that because blackpink was my first group. their comeback this year ate and served cunt severely. we love you blackpink.

3. 2 baddies - nct 127

i like thot music! the way ppl complained about it was so 😭😭 its an nct song what were you expecting. shut up. you either rock with it or you dont. like the song was made BY baddies FOR baddies. so if it isnt hitting...

2. pop! - nayeon

ms. im nayeon put the POP in kPOP with tjis song! and it was her SOLO DEBUT? PLEASEEEEEEE........ i love the girly cutesy bubblegum-y fun of this one. so. so. so. much. like everything about it SO iconic. she not only solidified herself as a capable soloist but as a pop princess too!

1. brand new - xiumin

are you surprised? im an exol after all! but fr this song had me GAGGED since the mv TEASER dropped! everything about it is so good, the beat, the lyrics, the vocals... everything! when it comes down to the mv minseok had $10 and a dream but he still made it work. that song was MADE to be a hit!! when i heard it i knew NOTHING ELSE released this year was gonna top it!

very honorable mentions that didnt make the list for lack of space :( (imagine they are in 2nd place with pop by nayeon)

i don't even mind - chen, invu - taeyeon, hurdle - suho, feel my rhythm - rv, candy - nct dream, gasoline - key, gingamingayo - billlie, loveade - viviz, dreamers - jungkook 🤪,after like - ive

#this was a long but FUN list euheuheheueuhe #songs i disliked - whatever nmixx gidle bts nature & sk.z released #✉️ #anon

[aaesthethiccc]

closing this account forever & deleting my tumblr app.

this was once my safe space & you are the only i let in here. it is because i trusted you. i know sometimes i used it to gaslight you to show you i have other people who care for me. well it is only because i wanted it to be you, not them. but this was my space to record and cherish my memories later in life too, which i will still create somewhere else.

i talked to vicious day before, and i felt good in knowing someone is there for u. last step for me to heal from this is also leaving this platform and removing everything forever.

it was a rocky start for you and me tirth. ngl in the starting when u told me u liked me i was weirded out cause we hardly knew each other ahah. but whenever i heard you laughin or even just talkin with you, i knew i felt different about you. and that only grew with time. i remember 6 months in, i never even learnt editing for my own stream highlights but i did so to make a video for u and that song i chose truly meant the words i felt. you might have liked me first, but i know in my heart i loved you more than you would ever realize. we spent so many days, so many nights together. i didnt want it all to be for nothing. i wanted at least meet you once & i had the money saved to meet u which i didnt wanna tell u till i booked my tickets.

i remember the first time i split with u, it was cause i caught your lie and u called me names. that time i knew i had to leave to protect my self respect. and the lying was something i hated. i could tell by the tone of ur voice or by the way u sounded. i remember this because on our last call i knew you sounded the same. your priorities have always been clear and i do not possess any patience for you to come around anymore. the most important week of the year for me, you chose to disappear. then even after i ignored it, you chose to still not be there for me. it wss your choice tirth. ik i would have been there for u if it was me on the other side.

i wasnt always the best to be around, i did my share of mistakes. i didnt know what it was like to love so deeply, and i didnt even realize you were never on the same page because with your words, you would always win me over. but yes those patterns repeated & i learnt a lot through them.

i still wish sometimes that our relationship was not this immature. i wish that we had a healthy relationship like i planned in the start. i wish we never lied to each other. i lied to you as well. i wasnt all innocent. when i needed your time, sometimes i made excuses. but i never lied to stay away from you, it was lil things like i really wanna tell u something after a boring day when there was nothing to share. ye i was a hopeless romantic, more hopeful and even more of a romantic ahahah. idk i never thought i could hold so much love for someone i never even met. it saddens me that i will never actually kiss you or be with you but this is the way its meant to be. i wish we took pauses in our fights, i wish i came to canada and we slept together ever night. i wish i got to feel the love i was feeling with you by my side.

throughout our journey i am sure i have hurt you, well i have felt the same hurt if not more. the hurt of being alone on my birthday. with everyone wishing me or sending me stuff but the man i love was ignoring me and playing cs. i wanted to believe your words when you came back. you told me you loved me but well it was confusing then and it is confusing now. how can someone love someone but not care for them? i think my love was very real towards you but yours was more of filling a void. i wish you fell in love with me like i fell in love with you.

i want you to know how deeply i have felt for you over these three years. and it hurts me the most to leave you & let you go even though this is not the ending i wanted. but sometimes the right decisions hurt. but they are the right ones.

i really enjoyed my time with you. most of it was me trying out new things for you. i wish you had gotten to see my excitement in things i enjoyed as well but sadly we could never find the perfect rhythm for the both of us which is okay. i hate that we fought so much, i wish we understood each other but i dont think so we are very different to do that. and yes when there is no effort put into communication and understanding then our boat will sink.

in our relationship, i learnt how much i could love a person. and trust me i have never felt this deeply about anyone. you were my heartworm. this is the reason tirth, i trusted your words completely, each time you told me you are ready to take responsibilities and grow and be with me, i trusted you completely. but those times when i didnt feel so secure, everything from our past always haunted me. all the unresolved issues, all the times you said we will talk and work through them but didnt. and the last day, it haunted me all at once again when you could so easily choose your friend when you could have waited just for two hours to go play with them. no matter if i was sleepy or no matter what i said, i just needed my person to be there for me on my big day.

i dont know if i will ever trust anyone again when they say they love me, i dont know how long it will take me to heal from this. but i know i cant start the next chapter of my life, re-reading this one. and i know in my heart that you arent ever going to love me or care for me or even be ready to move forward with yours. but i hope you do. i hope you find the strength to change. i hope you get off your ass and visit your family. we were going to meet this july you promised but we didnt. but i will pray that you meet your family this year instead. time goes by fast tirth. please dont let time pass you by. live. go live your life. find your passion again tirth. i know you can do it.

if you are hurting, i know you are alone there but dont go through it alone. call your family. time heals all wounds. i hope you surround yourself with good and positive energy. i send you my positive energy always even tho it wasnt always positive when i was with you always cribbing and crying over our past, but you can accept only good prayers from me for u.

i aint a victim of this relationship and you arent as well. so please dont focus on what has happened. cherish the good days and nights we spent together.

you remember the letter we were going to send in case something happens to one of us in the starting. well this is my letter to you. i know i am not with you now, and please dont try to be friends cause i am not like your exes, i cant be just friends with you or see u around without hurting. i tried but i guess i loved or just even love you so much. i dont know why despite you hurting me this much, i can never really hate you. but there is only so much hurt one can take. and sometimes it gets too much. it's unhealthy for both of us. i remember i use to get sick whenever i use to fight u, i never use to eat or sleep. i didnt play. my life would pause. i got control over myself but i still ended up with anxiety or panic attacks. there were many time i was so scared about my future, when i wasnt landing a job. when we decided to move back to india. things arent still great but they are better. i wish i could have been better in our relationship but please realise like you, i had my own problems. i have learnt to handle them better now. i also took my family to thailand recently. it was a trip i gifted them. and i am very proud of that.

i know this time when i called you, you got a panic attack, and seeing you like that, i felt the worst. i was talking all softly like it didnt affect me. i was numb for the longest time ngl. but it did affect me, especially cause i knew how it felt. this thing between us is very toxic.

i didn't want this to end. but it has to. i still dont know why you would go days without reaching out to me. each trip you go on, something happened to your phone, how am i to trust you. how am i to trust anything. i remember u dont even remember the important interviews, my flights or anything. you didn't remember or put any efforts to know what is going in my life. i dont think i have it in me to ever forget that. you werent the best boyfriend, i dont think so u even wanted to put that effort. why did you always get me back then? was this all a game to you? was i just something to use and throw. sometimes i wasnt even sure ur love was real, other times i thought you are living there alone, u are depressed and you dont know it, you need help and i wanted to do that. but how can i do that when i was hurting myself trying to be there for u. when things would be okay, suddenly u would stop even responding. i dont even know anymore and i dont want to. all was such a mental torture. i didnt have to always ask you to communicate. i always wanted more cause i didnt get even bare minimum for even 2 week continuously. i always had to tell you. i wanted someone who i didnt have to translate my entire soul to. someone who could just see through but for u i spoke it out loud and still was unheard. true love wants the best for the other person you know, i never felt that from your side. i didnt feel safe tirth. i wanted to feel safe with you but i didnt. i had so many doubts. i was so scared. i am feeling a lot of hurt writing this and have a really bad headache now so i will go sleep and rest. its like my head will burst out at any moment. the pain in my heart is too much to write any further but yes i will learn to forgive like always and i hope you get the strength to do the same. tbh it wont be tough for me to move on, i have done it before in jan and its not that without you i cant live. i am so content that i couldnt have done anything more, and i know for a fact that.. nevermind.. i just know, also i am happy on my own. i know i am the kind of person to even come and meet you after all this. i would have done it if i felt you meant your words. but i am not going to meet you. i am not going to salvage this relationship or even meet you as friends. i dont think you deserve it after everything you have put me through for your own selfishness and nothing else. enough is enough. i have had enough of this bs from you. i might sometimes feel pain but i am happy knowing i did everything i could have. i dont get my way of how i wanted this to end, you don't deserve a girl who would travel across the world to see your stupid face & stay with you against all odds. you, tirth, have lost me forever. thanks for the movies, shows & games. ig it would have never evolved to something greater than that.

anyway please go outside. please meet your family and your little niece. i wish they bring lots of joy into your world and it isnt dull anymore. i know as a kid, this isnt the future you probably planned for yourself, i hope you forgive urself. i hope u forget about the time wasted and focus on living every moment.

after this, if you feel like contacting me, dont. know that like before i will learn to be okay. i am at peace cause i know i did everything i could to be with you. i will never accept you in my life again because i will never ever trust your words tirth. i dont think you have got it in you to be with me or to love me wholeheartedly. u will always leave me or not communicate or do something that will hurt me cause u dont care enough to actually care for me. i know what i felt wasnt mutual. i am not a fool. i know i was just wasting time with you here tirth cause u will never man up with me. the way you acted, its cause you meant it. no external factors matter. and i know i wasnt ever asking for too much, i was asking the wrong person. cause i know i get happy with the smallest of things. i wont ever look back now, never see what you are doing and i mean it. i hope you can move past this and actually turn your life around. life is short tirth, live it. and go show some time to your family. it will really help you, i truly truly believe. each one of us in the world is experiencing life for the first time tirth. i hope you choose the right path and be the person you want to be.

i will always be somewhere heartbroken that this happened. like i said i always wanted to be with only one person, and i never doubted that for a sec before about it being you. but ik i cant be with someone ever who hurts me this much. sorry but i am out of chances & tries. i am tried of trying to communicate or translate my soul to you. all the goodluck to you. if you ever feel low, just look at the moon. you will feel the peace and calm i prayed for you. i cant imagine what kind of guy you have become honestly. you didnt even do efforts to meet your niece. i will pray that you are a better person one day.

remember: bad things happen not just to go through but to grow through.

take care & goodbye.

[spanishinfluenza]

not sure who needs to hear this but you need to think about Carlisle waking up alone and cold in the cellar, his body thrumming with the residual ache of three-day agony. You need to think about him taking in his first conscious and lucid breath and it bringing him no relief. You need to think about this man, alone and scared and embarking on eternity without relief at just twenty-three years old. Stealing himself away in cellars and woods, casting himself to night and dark because his God no longer looks upon him. His flesh gored and sealed, permenant reminder of what he is and the danger he poses. Watching the life he used to have from the shadows, his father growing older and more weary still and aching to bridge the gap between that life and the unlife he now lives just so he might sew the two fabrics together and mend a relationship he never had. His mother appears instead at his father's aged side, his silent ghostly accompany, a figment of his imagination. He wanders alone with her, leaving those fabrics distant and wasting because to thread himself back into his own life would condemn his people to his murder. He runs away from his town, his throat burning with the urge, the overwhelming compulsion to bite into his own father's neck and drain him of the feeble blood within, to tear the limbs off of his own childhood nurse and gorge himself on the blood of her children. Terrified of himself and the visions of massacre behind his eyelids, he isolates himself, shuts himself away from civilisation and his mother, a figment of his dwindling sanity, looks on at him without a word, St. Peter's silent judgement in her eyes, offering him no comfort. He is The Beast, the Destroyer and the Devil himself squirms in the pit of his gut, tempting him with the thick wet pulsing of innocent heartbeats. He tears at his inpenetrable skin, wishing to expose breakable bone, fallible organs, something he might truly destroy, to wreak a biblical, atoning havoc to part heaven's gates. His skin mocks him in its resitance, his mother's eyes pity his screamed rage as he fails to rip himself open and committ his final deed. He sets his untouchable skin on fire only to find his hair singe off in purple smoke, his forearm unmarred. He finds himself wandering the trees alone, starved, feral, wishing for some kind of death, begging his mother to take him now, even if not to heaven, anywhere is better than inside this body. Finally he sees himself in the woods: the lame deer at his feet, begging for death too. And Carlisle jealously grants it, feeding himself finally. and as his senses return to him after months, he sees the evidence of his danger. His mother is no longer with him. He is alone again. He stops tearing at his skin, and with no one left to beg for mercy, he wanders forward into the woods once more.

not sure who needs to hear this but you should listen to In the Woods Somewhere by Hozier, boo

#carlisle cullen #hozier #listen i can and will assign every hozier song to a character from twilight #i will do it #i just have Feelings #newborn!carlisle feelings #yus yus #anyone else? #omg should i write his turning? #eh but Esme wont be there #and what am i writing for if not just to see more of her #basically my thoughts are that Carlisle finds his will to live in the woods somewhere #ngl i think its one of the most slept on songs #THE POETRY #hozier is the one man i find attractive that isnt a fictional dad #hozier sweetie you are holding my bisexuality together by a thread #mine #twilight

[pinkchanelbag-moved]

pride

mob!bucky barnes x reader

you were the ultimate prize, the one no one could get. except bucky. but now that he finally has you, it feels like you’re sleeping next to a stranger each night. 

words: ~3.9k 

warnings: very very quick mention of smut, just sad vibes in general

a/n: i really like dis one ngl lol but i still need to edit :* . been jamming to this song for day but i had to slow it and stuff for copyright, but its still a viiibeee so enjoyyy 

---

the whole way home, he’s calling you, and the entire time, you’re not picking up. after the fourth or fifth time, when he begins to get fed up, the calls start going straight to voicemail. you’ve shut your phone off.

he sighs and rolls his head back on the velvet covered car seat, rubbing at his neck. he’s tired. his father’s banquet was boring, per usual, and not even on par with the standards of ones he’s seen before. and he fought with you just minutes before the two of you were supposed to leave, forcing him to show up alone. that caught some attention, and if there is anything bucky doesn’t like, it’s attention...

he sat with his friends and his cousins and his friend’s cousins, checking out the new meat arriving into the extravagant garden party in his great aunt’s backyard. there were upwards of fifteen cars parked starting from the driveway until down the street as people poured in, one after the other, some familiar, some old, some young, some with long debt sheets and others large body counts, and bucky and his pals cracked up at scrutinizing the guests. a plump waitress came by and refilled his cup of wine, and he turned to thank her. his best friend and the son of his father’s business partner nudged him on the arm.

“that’s the broad i was talkin’ about from before,” steve said, nodding his head at the backdoor of the house where a new group of girls trickled in. girls in pastel heels and sundresses with sensible handbags. but bucky’s eyes only fell on one girl.

“damn,” he said, leaning back in his chair and noticing that his breath pulled at his lungs a tad harder. “yeah, she really is--”

“you’re lookin’ at the wrong girl, moron,” sam said from bucky’s left. steve pointed not-so-discreetly to the girl right next to the girl bucky had been looking at.

“the brunette,” steve said. “name’s margaret. i know she’s been looking at me, i can tell.”

“who’s that next to her?” bucky asked, his eyes still tracing every part of you. eyes, mouth, hands, hair, legs. his gaze touched each part of you, mesmerized.

“oh...that’s y/n.” steve turned to look at his friend and smiled, sharing a look with sam and shaking his head, the two men laughing. bucky turned to look between them both.

“what?” he asked.

“man, are you that oblivious or just that dumb?” sam shoved his shoulder. “remember that girl reid’s been tryna get with for, what is it--” he looked at steve to confirm, “four months? that’s her. girl’s closed up like an oyster.”

“she’s stuck up?” bucky asked.

“nah, nothing like that,” steve said. “just not interested.”

“maybe she just doesn’t like mafia boys?” sam suggested in her defence.

bucky looked at you as you greeted the hosts, your mouth dancing into a dazzling smile.

“i want her,” he said. steve chuckled.

“figured,” he said.

before he left for the banquet, the two of you were laid up in his king size together as you traced his scratchy jawline.

“i wanna stay here forever,” you said. bucky didn’t reply, just closed his eyes and ran a hand up and down your back slowly. you laid half on top of him, chest to chest, looking up at him with wonder in your eyes. it was something he’d never voice out loud, but every time you stared at him with that kind of love in your eyes, a smug part of him remembered when you’d roll those eyes and walk away as he tried to ask you to a date or the way you’d deadpan when he expressed how much he liked you. it was a long chase. one he’d never put himself through before, and now, he had you. “hey buck...” you began. he opened his eyes and glanced them down at you in acknowledgment.

“do you ever get tired of having to come all the way across town to pick me up?”

“not really,” bucky adjusted his position to put his arm behind his head. “it’s not like i have to drive myself.”

“but, well...i mean, it gets a little irritating to have to pack just a couple of things to come stay at your place for a few days. like, i don’t have all my makeup and clothes and things.”

bucky checked the time on his watch to see how soon the banquet was.

“you still always look good,” he offered.

“you’re missing the point by miles, buck,” you breathed a laugh that he felt from your chest to his. “do you ever think about...about if i lived here? permanently?”  bucky’s eyes trailed up to the ceiling.

“what’s wrong with your apartment?” he asked.

“nothing, buck,” you tilted your head to look up at him, trying to gauge his reaction. “just that we’ve been together for seven months. i thought it would be a good step forward. but if you don’t want to, then it’s fine.” you used the hand you hand on his chest to gently push yourself off of him. the hand he had on your waist fell to the bed as you walked off toward your mini suitcase, shuffling through a makeup bag. bucky knew you well enough to know you were just staying distracted, indifferent rather than actually looking for makeup.

“well, i mean, sure, we can step forward and all that, but i don’t see how moving in does that. you’re here most of the time anyway.”

“if i’m here most of the time, it makes sense for me to live here. and i don’t like spending most of my time in a place that doesn’t really feel like my own,” you were mumbling now, looking through the pack of clothes you had brought.

“but it’s not like i feel like your apartment is mine. i’m not taking anything from you, and isn’t it good for us both to have places that can be just for us? why share a place?”

“because that’s what couples do, bucky. just forget i said anything.”

bucky sat up in the bed.

“what, you’re mad now?” he asked, hands resting on the headboard.

“i’m not mad,” you said, not even looking up at him.

“obviously, you are. you’re not looking at me.”

“i’m not mad, buck, because i’m not surprised. i don’t know when it became a part of my routine to have you act like i’m your on-call girlfriend that you don’t actually want to be serious about, but i’m used to it, so how can i be mad?”

“that’s a-level bullshit and you know it,” he replied, the anger already rising in his voice. “you think because i like having my own space that i don’t take you seriously?”

“no, that’s not it. if it was just that, you know i’d never ask you for anything. but bucky...we have not had a change in months. i feel like we’re in the same place we were in a month in dating.”

“isn’t that supposed to be a good thing? the beginning is always the best part before the passion dies and stuff.”

finally, you turned to look at him, something confused and yes, a little hurt, in your eyes.

“i don’t think that. relationships are’t supposed to stay the same, buck, they’re not static. and they’re definitely not supposed to get worse. do you think we’ve lost...what, passion?” you asked.

“no, i don’t,” bucky shrugged, being truthful, but still trying to be nonchalant. “but i don’t think moving in is gonna help us feel a spark or some shit. it’s gonna be, like, a new responsibility that might cause issues.”

“so you’re saying you don’t want to move forward because you don’t wanna deal with the responsibilities?” you asked with raised eyebrows.

“yes,” bucky gestured a hand out. “it complicates things. i’m not trying to be all domestic right now, not at all, actually. we should keep it simple.” he rested his back on the headboard again, thinking you had finally gotten it. instead the last of expression drained from your face and your eyes looked at the carpet. bucky checked his watch again before pushing himself off the bed and stepping in the direction of the walk in closet to find something appropriate to wear.

“you got clothes for tonight, or do you want jordan to drive you home to get ready?” he asked, stretching his back.

“i’m not going,” you murmured, eyes staring dully at your suitcase.

now, as he pulls up to the apartment complex, fixing his cufflinks and running a hand through his hair, he prepares to finish the fight that he suspects he shouldn’t have left prematurely. but there’s no time to ponder over it anymore. he wonders what he has in store, and he wishes desperately you hadn’t brought up moving in. things with you are always good. bucky does love you, and he’s sure you know. it’s just that you’re so restless, always wanting more, and he can’t understand what you think is so wrong about how things are now.

“thanks, jordan,” he tells the driver before leaving the car.

“have a good night mr. barnes,” he replies. bucky makes his way into the lobby and then into the elevator with his hands in pockets. he uses his key card and passcode, then punches in the floor number to his penthouse. the elevator whirs for a a minute until it arrives to his home, opening up to his living room, and there you are. sitting on an arm chair, hands clasped together, lips touching knuckles, your elbows propped on your knees as you stare at the floor, your suitcase beside you.

“y/n...?”

your breathy moans made something devious swell in his chest as he pushed himself further into you. “bucky,” you breathed, gripping the bedsheets. his long, slow, and impossibly deep strokes pushed you nearly to tears, and he knew this. moments like these, or similarly as he sat back on the headboard and watched you bob up and down slowly, head thrown back to watch the ceiling and small hands holding onto his shoulders, his own hand coming to wrap around your prettily exposed throat, that he felt, i have her. the ego boost of a lifetime, if he was being honest. that he had you like this when no one else could, that he was the one that got to watch your breaths streaming in and out as you slept next to him with your hair in your face and your cool and reserved exterior melted away, or that he was the one that watched your figure clad in nothing but a thin sheet as you picked up the room service and sat out on the balcony, legs draped into a comfortable cross as you fed yourself fruit. he stood behind you with an arm wrapped around your waist at the gatherings and dinners, he was with you when no one else believed he could get you. not even you.

“they missed you at the banquet,” bucky begins. you don’t move a muscle. usually, you’re the more vocal one. “i missed you.” 

“stop,” you finally say in a quiet voice. bucky pulls his hands out of his pockets, but now not knowing what to do with them, runs them through his hair.

“stop what?” he asks.

“stop trying to be nice.” he furrows his eyebrows.

“you don’t want me to be nice to you?”

“i don’t want you to be be nice to me when you feel like have to because i’m upset about something. i shouldn’t have to be mad or sad for you to act nice,” you say. your voice is somehow both determined and dejected, something bucky’s not used to.

“come on, doll. you’re making it out like i abuse you or something,” he says. “that’s just how i am. everyone knows that. i mean, if i don’t act nice, it’s not because i’m trying not to be. especially with you. you oughta know that.” he takes a few small steps towards you.

“i don’t.” for the first time, you look up at him. your eyes are bloodshot and your face has taken on a reddish hue, surely from crying. bucky is taken aback. recalling what happened before he left, he didn’t think it would get you this worked up.

“you aren’t going?” he asked at the time. “why?” he folded his arms and stared at you through the wall mirror, but you continued to look at your suitcase.

“i’m not up for it.”

“y/n, i promise we’ll talk more about this when we get back, whenever you want, but let’s just put it away for now and go to this thing.”

“and the next time we talk about this...” you asked him, “will you have anything new to say?” your heart pounded in anticipation of his answer, and you knew his obliviousness would lead him to the wrong one.

you snuck a look at him through the mirror as he shrugged and looked to the side, his face blank, per usual.

“well, you know how i feel.”

you nodded slowly, letting out the breath you’d been holding. that does it, then.

“just go without me, bucky.”

and he did.

“what?” bucky laughed. “four kids? why four?”

you giggled and sipped at your smoothie for a long moment before coming up with an answer.

“i just like kids,” you smiled brightly, and it made bucky smile too, because he so often saw you happy in a way that wasn’t controlled, like you were with your families’ associates and the like. it was nice to see you happy with your guard really down. he realized you were vulnerable around him enough for that. the thought made his smile spread. “and i wanna be the kind of mother that...always has stuff going on at the house, you know? i figure that’s easier with more kids. it’ll be stress, but nothing i can’t handle,” you shrugged.

bucky nodded.

“i get that. my dad was like a superhero to me, but i still just never saw him or got to know him as much as i wanted, considering i adored him,” he looked down at his finished burger plate as he said this, ears turning a little pink. he glanced behind him dumbly, since the shop was already empty. it was closing time, but bucky knew the busboy, and the two of you were permitted to stay late.

you bent your head close to the table to try and meet bucky’s eyes. there was an adorable pout on your lips.

“so you wanna be a good dad? take ‘em to sports games, that kinda thing?” you asked in a baby voice, but bucky didn’t feel a hint of mockery in your voice, so he laughed and shrugged.

“yeah, i guess. it’s a nice idea, at least. i don’t know if i could ever really get there.”

you watched him for a moment as he finished off his milkshake before reaching over and placing your hand on top of his.

“i think you can get there,” you said. bucky looked at your hands, then up into your eyes, smiling and biting his lip. it was a nice thought. he wasn’t sure he was the right guy for it, but it was a nice thought in general.

“y/n, do you actually think that i only think of you as...what, a booty call? is that what you think?” bucky asks, and of course there’s that hint of incredulousness in his voice. “we’ve been together for months. we take trips. we meet people together. we...we’re us. what’s wrong with us that you hate so much?”

“that it’s not us, bucky! how can you say that? we can’t be some united front if we’re not even a team at home. i feel like i don’t know you.” you’re standing now, one hand on the handle of your suitcase. “i feel like i don’t know the truth, between the things, the lies that you told me to get me to want you and the person i see now. that’s just the issue. we’ve been together eight months and i feel like i’m sleeping next to a stranger.”

“what’s the issue, doll?” bucky asked, licking his lips in the pleasure of the banter.

“i’m not pursuing anyone at the moment,” you said as politely as possible with a testy eyebrow raised.

“well, that just makes my job easier, don’t it?” he grinned at you. you chuckled and turned back around to serve yourself some of the delicacies. bucky shot a glance to steve and sam, who were snickered a laughed. sam shot him a sarcastic thumbs up. bucky sucked his teeth and turned back around, gently grabbing your elbow.

“okay, okay, for real. can we just--” bucky pointed at the gap in the backyard fence that led to an alleyway between the big houses. you looked between him and the alley, pursed your lips, and put your plate down to follow him.

he tried a new approach. rather than flat-out asking you on a date, he did a thing girls went crazy over: just asked you a little about yourself, feigned interest (it’s not that he was faking exactly; he listened intently, but he really just wanted a date), and he told you a little about himself, his family. being this close to you for so long with no others around, he could admire how pretty you were. he didn’t care about reid or what other goon had tried for you. he knew he could do it.

when you reached the end of the alley, and you expected to go back, bucky leaned against a chainlink fence and continued the conversation, so you leaned on it next to him, not minding the company. the sun was setting behind a tall house so that the blinding orange rays didn’t light up the spot where the two of you stood, but the soft flare of tangerine enveloped you still. bucky watched your lips as you talked about your father’s work. you looked heavenly. he asked again to take you out before he had really comprehended his sentence. he caught himself and tried to play it off, because hardly anyone could make him slip up and talk before thinking.

“it’s just a burger. what, you don’t like burgers?” he smiled, all teeth, and was sure he was melting some of your tough exterior.

“you had to beg me,” you whisper, but somehow, it’s haunting enough to sound like a shout. “you had to have me, even when i didn’t want you. and when you finally managed to get me to come around...when you made me fall for you, you let yourself lose me.”

“no,” he began, shaking his head, trying to resolve it, resolve this.

“yes,” you continued as he attempted an interjection. “yes, buck, because that’s what’s happening. you’re losing me, bucky, do you understand that?”

“why is your bag packed?” he asks with exhaustion and something else, something cold and detached, etched into his face.

“i’m staying with my brother on the east side.”

“the east side?” bucky repeats incredulously. “no.”

“what are you gonna do, buck? are you gonna call up gino and frankie and make them hold me in the apartment? are you gonna stop me?” your eyes are wide and so, so angry that it manages to put a dent in bucky’s withdrawn attitude. the way they bore into him makes him unable to look directly at you for a moment. “just tell me now, if you plan on forcing me to stay, so i can see what kind of man you are. so i can really see the end of it. is there more, buck?”

“i won’t make you stay if you don’t want to, but...” he begins.

“then move,” you say with such enunciation in each word that it sends shivers down bucky’s spine. “let me by.”

“it’s not gonna happen, james barnes,” you told him. you turned to walk back down the alley and back to the party. the sun had set and the sky was a gentle pink and blue that somehow accented your shrinking figure.

“it’s bucky!” he yelled back at you. he heard your chuckle despite the distance, and he knew he had to have you.

“yn, come on. i...” he pauses to consider that the next words to come off his tongue feel a little foreign, “i’m sorry.”

you turn back to look at him again. “you’re always sorry. even when you don’t know you are because your goddamn ego is in the way. i know you, bucky. you’re always sorry. you just only feel it enough when you’ve pushed me to my breaking point, and i can’t sit around and wait for you to wither me away into nothing before you can learn to treat me how i deserve. because you know i deserve better, but you wanted me to be with you anyway. you had to have me.”

you turned back at the opening in the fence to analyze him one more time.

“when am i gonna see you again?” he called out. from the distance, he saw you tip your head up to the dark pastel sky to contemplate.

“mmm...” you looked back at him, a soft expression on your face, “your dreams, maybe?”

“i’m not gonna let you mess my head up anymore. i need to look after myself,” you say in a quiet voice. “i’m tired of your pride coming between me and you. it’s too hard.” you side-stepp bucky, and he lets you. each word hits him in the lungs until he doesn’t have quite enough breath to reply. to rebuttal. to tell you you’re wrong, things aren’t this way. but he can’t do that because he’d be lying. he can’t even dare to think about objecting to what you’re saying, or he worries he might him an all-time low.

you step to elevator, your suitcase in hand, and call for the elevator.

“do you have a ride?” bucky asks, looking at the marble floor. he then decides against it, decides to watch you since he doesn’t know when he’ll see you again. and the next time he sees you, you’ll no longer be his.

“uber,” you say, staring at the wall of the head like you’re trying to burn a hole in it. you turn the same gaze to him, and sticks his nails into his palm. “i wanted this to work because i love you. but i can’t change you, bucky, as much as i want to.”

bucky brought a fist to his chest.

“you’re killing me, doll,” he called to you. he heard your enchanted giggle.

“goodbye...bucky,” you said. his name sounds like a church choir on your lips. he wanted to hear it a million more times.

the elevator arrives, and you turn away again. take a deep breath, because you can’t believe you’re doing this, but also not believing it took you so long. “goodbye, bucky,” you say with resignation. you stepp in, and only half turn around, briefly making eye contact with the man you love.

you looked at him one more time before stepping through the gap in the fence.

the elevator comes to a silent close, breaking the link of eye contact between you and bucky, whose eyes are glossed over.

and just like that,

you were gone.

#nad.txt #bucky #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #mob!bucky #mob!bucky barnes #mob!bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes headcanon #bucky barnes hc #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes x you #the winter soldier #winter soldier x reader #winter soldier fanfiction #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #captain america #steve rogers #chris evans #the falcon #sam wilson #anthony mackie #marvel #mcu #marvel fanfiction #mob!au

[woozi]

i agree how you described twt, sometimes everyone's just ready to fight it seems, i've genuinely had fun on both platforms at different times but now it's just too much on stan twt (no space for difference of opinion djsjdjj) it's good to know you're having fun as well :3 & omg i've seen few of my moots starting to give svt their attention after fallin flower dropped, everything abt it is <3333 the song, mv, choreo i love it.

hdjdjddkdjdj " virgos 😐 " also me in next breath "happy birthday mark :D i love you so much 🥺💕💗" any virgos reading this i really hope you enjoy your month to the fullest djjdjd <3. righttt?? you're correct abt mark's temper being very virgo djdjdkd.

your line screams hard-working people <3 jihoon, jaebeom, jeonghan the 3Js <3. isn't jaebeom also an infj? (i don't take mbtis seriously but at the same time it also makes me happy if it ends up matching someone i like djdjjd) chan & yugs 🥺 these two imo have the sweetest personality, like the one which makes you feel welcomed & they also have the cutest laugh 🥺.

i love jus2 <3 focus on me is one of my favorite kpop mvs of all time & also drunk on you??? i love this song so much, very sexy of them. the vibes, style and everything w/ their album, i want more songs like that. and for when i am feeling melancholy i need more songs like jjp's verse 2 😭💔 but i am also okay if they don't want to go back to these units bcoz everything so far they've been giving is just as great <33 ( maybe in future we'll get blessed w/ features 🥺)

honestly g7 as grp and individually have won me over with their music style, even if i don't like full album ik there will be 3-4 songs which will be exactly what i like to listen to, all of the music they've released individually i've liked it so much. there is this song of youngjae's, titled "i'm all ears" i had no idea of its existence until it popped up in my spotify i'm so glad it did, it's been in my playlist ever since. there was also a time when i was obsessed with jackson's 'on the rocks' djdjdk.

aww <3 the live performance video of 1° has mark as thumbnail so for long time i used to associate this song with him jdjddk. i think the only j*pe thing i'd miss is got7 studio live sessions 🥺. RIGHTJDKSKS aju nice's mv is very cute djjddk I love it, in reality its reverse tho, i see them and boom! 💖💛💗🤍💕💙

it was the year they won first bb*as award so that gave them the exposure, and no i don't follow them anymore. mixed feelings abt them, very negative feelings abt f*ndom fjdjdjd. i do miss what it used to feel like liking them sometimes. at that time i never thought i'll willingly drop them from my interest (i've stanned zayn since 2012 first him as grp member then solo. sometimes thinking abt it gives me a whiplash hddjks it's been 9 years, really thought it would be same with them too but it didn't happen)

i've had falling in love by yugs and in to you by jaebs on loop for days djdkdk i really love these two songs and also air by bammie <3 (i'm slow jams kinda person djdjdk :3)

(bam released the most fun album & title this year idc abt others, ribbon is one of the soty) also special mention of look so fine & running through the rain. yes! you do make sense they feel organic & very them.

exactly 😭 it's more believable when they drop stuff out of nowhere like encore 😭😭. the way youngjae posted his letter on twt too ddjjdkssk the announcement & release of encore is such a 'you just had to be there' situation the excitement, nervousness, confusion and everything 😭 sometimes i can't with them. also is the bibi with mark on ost, the same one you mentioned in last ask? the ost is really good <3, it must've been fun to see it happen (if its same bibi).

making a whole ass playlist just for me???? 😭😭😭🥺💗 yza you're so sweet nooooo 💖

and don't worry abt replying late jdjdkdjd i mean it, sometimes my friends text me after weeks and i'm am the same. it's really okay <3. i hope this week is treating you kindly, take care yza - 🪂

p.s ( just saw last post djjej) - it was me who manifested more bunny dino <3 manifesting even more <33

i was on stan twt during my younger years too and it was v fun and memorable to me ngl <3 idk what happened though.. it's evolved to be.. Something Else.. i still see a lot of good people there though 😭 and now that i'm in my Hag Era... idk it's just too fast for me now 😭 it's still my go-to place for updates though nothing can top twitter on that dept

and ms fallin flower.... i feel like everyone was blown away by it (based off of what i see carats when talk about it) and rightly so!! she SERVED. the looks too oh my god. it's another factor i look forward to and enjoy so much when i watch their performances!!

u know what? virgos 😐 indeed KJJKDFJKFDJKFDKJ i want to slander virgos today because it's their season and no one slanders them that often so <3 ABOUT MARK'S VIRGO TEMPER THOUGH... i know i've said i enjoy seeing it sm but whenever i think abt it i cant help but say that.. I Love His Temper <3 he doesn't get pissed off in a scary and douchebag-y way it seems so... contained?? IDK HOW TO DESCRIBE IT he punched an a/c though so that might not be the perfect word to describe him lmaoo <3

THE J TRINITY HFDJFJDJHDF BESTIE UR MIND IS SO!!!!!!!!!!! honestly... maybe it's the acts of service for me <3 JKDFKJFDKJFJKD i think this is just my eldest sister and savior syndrome speaking though kfjkdkjf ALSO OH MY GOD THE WAY U NOTICE THESE THINGS <3 THAT'S SO SEXIE OF U!!! and yes he used to be an infj!! there was an interview that's more recent wherein he mentioned that he's now an enfj though but i cant rmb which interview it's from :/ ALSO MOOD FKJJKGJGKF i dont believe in mbtis too but im just... a little obsessed w it for the fun of it all <3 and the way u described them </3 what if i tear up a little </3 I LOVE CHAN'S LAUGH SO MUCH BUT IM SO SOS O GLAD U BROUGHT UP YUGYEOM'S LAUGH??????????? IT'S NOT TALKED ABT ENOUGH LIKE...... HELLO!!!!!!!!!!! one of my bird moots said he sounded like a schoolboy in choir 😭😭😭😭😭😭

GOD UR TASTE!!!!!!! what if i start falling in l*ve a little :/ what then :/ focus on me was ahead of it's time and people fucking slept on THEM i cannot fucking believe this. this has to be some kind of sick joke 😭 ALSO HAVE U SEEN THE CHOREO FOR SENSES!!!!!!1 INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!! holy fuck!!!!!! sorry for the expletives but like.... holy SHIT they did THAT!!!!!!!! ALSO UR SO RIGHT </3 jjp verse 3 when... ALSO did u know i let go of the jjprojects url... thats the worst mistake of my life KDKJDSKJDSJK also agree wholeheartedly <3 i think they're all trying to find their footing this time around as soloists and im so proud of them for that!! i'll stand by my jus2 agenda though bc they're almost in the same company so maybe.. i might have hope left 😭

SO TRUE BESTIE!!! the same principle goes w svt for me as well <3 got7's such a flavorful group musically like... all of them have the capacity to go solo and they're still considered flops.. waht the fuck <3 ALSO OMG FJDKJFKFJD YOU'VE HEARD The Song!!!!!!!! maybe he'll be releasing something along those lines <3 esp now that he's supposedly coming w an album KJSJKDJSK on a similar note.. do u also listen to jamie (the other artist on the song) <3 NOO SHUT UP THIS CANNOT BE FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i was obsessed w on the rocks too 😭😭😭😭😭😭 IT WAS MY FAVORITE ON THE MIRRORS ALBUM HELLO??????????????????????????? im proposing to u rn

ok now i have to watch all the live vids again JKDSJKSJDKDSKJ ik keep saying 'ur so right', 'i agree', and 'so true bestie' but im gonna have to say this again bc i LOVE LOVE LOVE live sessions sm no matter the artist. i also just am a little partial to live bands in performances like that in general so JDJKKDSJDS

the way you're saying these cute things abt the svteenies.. </3 giving me heartache!!! i'd bully them though i can't coddle them anymore <3

not the fandom JKFDKJFDKJFDKJFKJF ok but i think it's mostly their younger fans tbh. it wasn't this bad before.. i also really liked bts during their debut days. their songs were really good!! i kind of lost interest though and couldn't really get into them although their songs slapped lol. my irls are still into them though so i still hear about them. 9 YEARS............................... wait oh my god it HAS BEEN a little over a decade since 1d was The Thing huh 😭 now i feel kinda old lmao. and i totally get that feeling </3 it really do be like that sometimes JKFDJKJKFD

you really ARE keeping up w the sevens oh my god how are you doing it!!!!!!!!!!! it's like getting svt content now at this point but more complicated bc u need to get the updates from different sources JDKJSDKJJSKD love ur song choices too <3

ALSO FULLY RELATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i saw bam's teasers... the aes was my cup of tea and THE HIGHLIGHT MEDLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't fucking get it out of my mind it's objectively one of the best things i've seen from kpop in 2021. i'm super impressed <3 love how abyss really supported bambam on this. they really went all in for him!!

I KNOW GKJDFJDK I GOT SUPER ???????/// DURING THE TIME EVERYONE THOUGHT THEY WERE DISBANDING LMAOOOO they pulled a move that's so unheard of though no one really expected That. i respect jaebeom so much for handling all the paperwork and shit behind the scenes it must've been HELL!! ALSO IT MEANT I CRIED FOR NOTHING THEN 😭😭😭 AND YES OH MY GOD IT'S THE SAME BIBI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SHOCK I HAD WHEN I SAW THE LIST????????????????????????? thought i was gonna black out like,,, mark,,, AND BIBI??????????????? she's fucking phenomenal how is she just a YEAR older than me.. INSANE!!! ... and i also thought jackson was gonna have an ost for this movie.. idk why it wasn't released though i didnt look into it :/

i had a rough few days so i'm not yet finished with the playlist (my laptop's Dead i am still trying to revive her and uni's starting soon 😭) but for the mean time, here's another one that some people from caratblr previously asked for JDSJKSDJ these are mostly english songs though its not my k-playlist KJDSKJSDJK

i do hope this week gets better!!! and i hope that you'll have a fun one too <3 thank u for being so patient w me 🥺 i just get so many messages and find the need to recharge FDKJDFJK

ALSO I FELT LIKE IT WAS U!!!!!! OH MY GOD, i even searched my blog for the word manifest but for some reason your ask didn't come up in the search so i didnt mention u in the tags so i wont misattribute if it ends up not being u 😭 thank u for manifesting this chan for me he's my little... hop hop now ig... 😭

#lov u u genuinely make my days better!! < #*<3 #also the way u called me by name... passing out rn </3 #🪂 anon #anon #y.ask #long post

[mooifyourecows]

hey moo how's your day going?

I’m two days late to answer this but heeeyyy i’m doing alright. over the past few days i’ve been watching all those Harlan Coben murder mystery series on Netflix. They’re not great. but they’re entertaining enough to have on in the background while I play Stardew Valley soooo

it’s kinda interesting because like... Harlan Coben is an american crime and mystery novelist but every one of the series are British. And they throw in these little quips about America/Americans that feel so... cringy? Lmao seriously like one time one character was like “Want a hug?” And the other was like “We’re not American” and I was like ???????????? Do British people think we’re very physically affectionate? Is that an American stereotype to them? but also, the guy was asking if she wanted a hug because her best friend was murdered and she found her body???? does their Britishness really prevent them from hugging people when someone is DEAD????? brooooo

And then another time one was like “I’m a Private doctor. My socialism is gone. Blame the Americans” like ??????????? okay????? And that same character’s husband is American and he’s like this total Capitalist douchebag who is fast and loud and only cares about money and she is just this sweet, soft spoken British beauty who was like “he always gets what he wants, and i guess he wanted me” like SHE’S SOME PRINCESS IN A TOWER LIKE BABE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MARRIED AND HAD A CHILD WITH HIM LMAO DON’T BLAME AMERICA FOR THAT

it’s like, not subtle at all what they think about us asdfghjk

i dunno man i think they’re trying to be funny but like? the show is super serious and people are being murdered and the music soundtrack is full of these intense “ooohhh look, something crraaaaaazy is happening!” songs that play at the most boring times ever and they throw in these little lines that are like ALMOST jokes but they do a very bad job at it. i mean, the shows are enjoyable because they throw in all these twists and cliffhangers and i’m interested in that but the characters are bland and i was genuinely rooting for the death of a few, ngl lmaooo (and i was right about one of them so ayyooo score one for Moo)

ALSO, THEY’RE NOT SUBTLE AT ALL. One of them, the first one I watched, was SO HAMFISTED with its theme. it was all about keeping secrets and what people will do to keep the ones they love and JESUS they hammered that message in at EVERY freakin opportunity. CMON GUYS! they slept through the “show don’t tell” part of school, i tell you what. and there’s TOO MUCH music. way too much. they don’t realize the power of silence, clearly. nor do they understand how to make an action scene exciting because every time an action scene happens i’m like UUUGGHHHH go back to the mystery stuff already!

buuuut aaaaaaaaanyway

i enjoy them. i don’t care if a show is bad so long as it entertains me and they definitely entertain me. i just like to be critical 🤭

i know you didn’t ask, Anon but there ya go, some ramblings about my past few days. Love you, hope you’re doing well 🖤🖤🖤🖤

[banghyung]

and they were roommates (s)

word count - 3k

warnings - parties, drinking, minimal drunken smut scenes, alcohol, fingering

member - Hongjoong of ATEEZ

request - “Can I request a tsundere Hongjoong (ATEEZ) angst/fluff.” and “Hey can you write smut with Hongjoong from ATEEZ?”

a/n - ok so i know that being turned on doesn’t sober you up, but let’s just pretend that in the world where you’re best friends with san and share an apartment with hongjoong that being turned on does in fact sober you up ok thanks :) ngl the angst is a little,,,, weird?? just because i knew i wanted the scene of them yelling at each other but when i went to go write it i realized that they didn’t really have much of a reason to yell at each other so i just kinda pulled something out of my ass. also,,, i know this was supposed to be posted monday but i went a little overboard with it since i was combining the two requests :))) p.s i have an interview in approx 10 hours,,, its about 5 am,,,,, and i havent slept yet soo wish me luck

You weren’t sure what you were signing up for when you agreed to share an apartment with a friend of a friend that you had never met until a few days before he moved in. What you were sure of, however, was that you were in desperate need of someone to split the rent with, and how bad could they be if you had mutual friends? You convinced yourself that, at worst, they would be messy, loud, and way too outgoing for your tastes - at best, clean, friendly, and just the right amount of social anxiety to spruce everything up. What you got? Kim Hongjoong.

“Come on,” your mutual friend, San, urged, “he can’t be that bad to live with.”

“It’s not that he’s bad to live with,” you explained, “I just don’t know how to take him.” San raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Oh come on, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“Well, what do you mean? Do you not get along?”

“That’s the thing - I don’t know.”

“How do you… not know… if someone doesn’t like you,” San asked incredulously. 

“He just,” you flailed your hands around, not quite sure how to word what you were trying to say. 

“Oh yeah, no, I completely understand. He just,” San mocked, moving his hands in a similar fashion.

You glared at your friend, who laughed and continued to sip on the milkshake sitting in front of him. “He just, locks himself in his room constantly, which is fine I mean to each their own - but whenever I try and talk to him he either acts like I just bored him so much that he lost 5 years off of his lifespan or he just blinks at me like I’m speaking another language. I don’t think he dislikes me, and I don’t dislike him, but…”

“But you just don’t know how to take him.”

“Exactly!”

“I mean have you considered that what you’re saying is either so boring that you really are depleting his life force and/or saying something so stupid that he really does think you’re talking in another language?”

“Please, for the love of everything good in the universe, please remind me why I’m friends with you?”

“Because your life would be boring without me.” San winked. “But, I do have a class starting in, about 2 minutes ago so I better get going,” he said, getting up from his seat as if he has all the time in the world, “I’ll talk to you later, sweet cheeks.” 

“Hope you don’t trip on your way!”

“I’ll do it just for you, honey bunches.” You smiled and rolled your eyes. Pulling your phone out of your pocket, you checked the time and noticed that you were almost late for your daily nap, an appointment you couldn’t afford to miss at this point in the semester. You quickly picked up your bag and began the trek home.

Walking into your apartment, you hung your keys on the rack and immediately ran to your room - not in fear of seeing your roommate, but in excitement of seeing your bed. 

“Hello gorgeous,” you spoke as you flopped down onto your mattress, “I’ve missed you.”

“Do you normally talk to your bed like its your lover,” you heard a voice ask. 

You whipped around, sitting up quickly as you realized who was standing in the doorway. Your mouth hung in an ‘o’ shape, starstruck by the fact that he was even talking to you, nonetheless how casual his statement was. 

“I see I walked in on a very important milestone in your relationship, I’ll leave you to it, then,” Hongjoong said as he began to walk away.

You sat there for a few minutes after he walked away, your mind reeling. Months into your cohabitation and the first words he speaks to you are after hearing you gush over your bed. As expected, you though, I am an Idiot. 

The commotion, or lack thereof, left you thoroughly confused. So confused that your nap time had come and passed, and you were still laying on your back, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what you possibly could have done to make this man act so coldly towards you. Was it something you said when he first moved in? Were you too strict about cleanliness before even allowing him a chance to get settled? Did you unknowingly interrupt something that he was doing in his bedroom and he just held a secret grudge against you for it? Maybe he has a girlfriend and the fact that he’s rooming with you is causing problems with their relationship. Maybe San had hyped you up too much and Hongjoong found himself very disappointed in the person that he now has to live with until the end of the leasing contract. Maybe - you didn’t know. You were sure that you had given Hongjoong no reason to dislike you. Most of the cleaning that he did - he just did, without you having to ask him. The only words you’ve spoken to him are greetings when you see him around the flat or inquiring as to whether or not he would be going to some event held by your mutual friends, as far as you knew you were never harsh or short with him, but yet he looks at you like you’re some kind of alien species. 

“Whatever,” you mumble to yourself. “Let him be this way, I could be a much worse roommate.” You finally rolled out of bed, the grumbling of your stomach the only thing keeping you from just calling it a night, and head into the kitchen. Of course, who else would you see but Mr. Judgemental, as you had decided to call him, sitting at the table with his nose buried in a book while he shovels cereal into his mouth.

Hongjoong looks up for just a second, long enough to make eye contact before looking back at his book. You steeled yourself, ready to be the cold, hard bitch you had just convinced yourself that you were. You opened your mouth, ready to start a fight, when instead you asked, “Are you going to that party San and Yunho are planning?” Hongjoong shrugged, not taking his eyes off of his book. “If you decide to go maybe we could carpool, or something. Ya know, saving the environment and all.”

“I’ll let you know,” he replied abruptly, quickly putting an end to the conversation. 

“Alright,” you said awkwardly as you grab a box of cereal out of the cupboard. “Well, have a good night.” And with that you all but sprinted back into the safety of your room, only a box of cereal in hand. 

Three days later and you were still rolling in self hatred over your multiple awkward encounters with Hongjoong. However, as the party that San and Yunho promised would be an “absolute rager” started in a little less than four hours, you were bound and determined to turn your luck around.

“What I need,” you said to yourself as you walked to your closet, “is a good fuck.” 

You nodded to yourself, a small smile growing on your lips in anticipation of the possibilities that the night might hold. You moved over to your phone, pressing play on your favorite playlist and dancing across your room. The words of your favorite song fall out of your lips as you glide across the floor while, unbeknownst to you, your smile is mirrored on the face of your roommate as he stops shortly in front of your door and gazes upon your lightheartedness. 

“You’re here,” San yells excitedly as you walk through the door, throwing his arms around you in a common drunk-San manner. Hongjoong had turned down your second offer of giving him a ride to the party, explaining that he wasn’t feeling up to the party scene, except in fewer words. You wrapped your arms around your best friend, telling him of your plan for the night. 

San’s eyes lit up. “Alright then, we have work to do. Let’s go!” He grabbed your hand, pulling you to the dance floor, or the area where people seemed to be dancing. You looked warily at the people that were packed into the room, pressed against one another and spilling alcohol everywhere. “Oh stop worrying. Here, drink this.” San handed you his cup and you took a swig, your eyes watering as you struggled to swallow the disgusting liquid.

“Are you drinking straight vodka,” you asked, your throat on fire.

“No,” San yelled back, “it’s gay vodka! Have some more!”

You rolled your eyes despite the smile growing on your face, taking one more swig before handing the cup back to San. He downed the rest of the drink before grabbing your hand once more, pulling you into the throng of partygoers. 

The amazing thing about parties is that reality is never quite what it seems - what feels like hours could be only minutes, and what feels like minutes have been hours. That’s how you feel when you unlock your phone for the first time since arriving and read the time: 2:38 AM. You groan inwardly, the night was escaping you and you had yet to find someone to give you what you needed. Thinking you weren’t drunk enough, you move towards the kitchen, getting into the hidden cabinet where San hides his favorite alcohol. Forgoing a cup, you pour the equivalent of at least 5 shots of vodka right down your throat and turn back to the crowd. 

You weren’t sure when it started, but all you were aware of was someone’s lips drunkenly crashing into your own. You opened your eyes slightly, wondering if you had somehow made a grave mistake and wound up kissing San. The good news: you weren’t kissing San. The bad news: you definitely recognized the man who was feverishly kissing you, but you couldn’t place from where. Knowing you were too drunk to think properly, you threw yourself back into the kiss - wrapping your arms around the stranger’s neck and pulling him closer to you. 

He pressed his body up against yours, pinning you to the wall as his hands moved to grab hold of your hips and pull them to his own. Your breath hitched as you felt his length against you, the anticipation of what was to come slowly pulling you out of your drunken stupor. His hands were desperate as they ran up your sides, and yours found themselves entangled in his hair. 

As the kiss grew in intensity, you found yourself searching for some type of friction, and rolled your hips against his in your search. A strangled groan escaped him as he pushed you back against the wall, his lips moving to your neck and leaving wet kisses down your skin. You reached down, placing your hand against his growing bulge and stroking his length through his jeans.

Another broken groan escaped his mouth as he whispered in your ear, “Two can play at that game.” You felt his hands slide down the sides of your thighs before moving towards your heat. The man, whose identity you still were not sure of, pushed your skirt up onto your stomach, revealing the lacy underwear that you had worn for this exact occasion. He moved his head from the crook of your neck, where it had fallen as you continued to try and rub him through his jeans, as he looked down at you. “Delicious.”

Your eyes shot open at his words, and you quickly looked down at his jeans. Your hands flew to the button, desperate to rid him of the material when you felt his fingers gently ghost over you. You bit your lip in frustration as your eyes fluttered shut once more, and you heard the man laugh breathily. “I wish I could see you like this all the time,” he whispered in your ear as he lightly traced his fingers along your thighs, inching closer to where you were desperate to have him touch, but not getting close enough. “You look so adorable all desperate and worked up, I wouldn’t mind seeing this every day.” 

Having enough of his teasing, your hand flew back to his hardened bulge, his pants unbuttoned but unmoved. You pushed his pants down his hips just enough to slip your hand into his boxers. He gasped loudly as you made contact with his throbbing member, and his fingers immediately pushed aside the barely-fabric of your panties and his thumb began rubbing circles onto your clit. Your eyes rolled back as he pushed a finger into you, his thumb never stopping. Your hand, which had started to haphazardly jerk him off, stuttered as your knees grew weak. 

“If I knew it was this easy to get you wet I would have done this ages ago baby girl,” the man groaned, his voice hitching every few words due to your actions on his length. He pushed another finger into you, and a deep moan left your mouth. Your free hand wrapped around the man’s shoulders, pulling him closer to you. 

“Do you like that?” You nodded quickly, biting your lip to keep endless moans from spilling out. “No, no, no. Let me hear you.” He moved his free hand up to your mouth and pulled your lip from between your teeth, before pressing his lips against yours. He began moving his hand faster to match your rhythm and he drank up every single noise you made. 

“Fuck baby, you’re so tight. Let’s just go home, hmm?” 

It was then that you realized, you recognized that voice. Your eyes flew open as you went to confirm your suspicions and suddenly wished it was San that you were kissing. There, with his fingers still working magic inside of you, and your hand still jerking him off, was Kim Hongjoong.

To say that the next week was tense would be an understatement. I mean, you regained your bearings in your best friends bathroom with your hands down your roommate’s pants and his down yours. And you didn’t even get to orgasm! You both tried to avoid each other as much as possible - which wasn’t an unusual thing for the household, but now under much different circumstances.

It was going into the second week of avoidance when you finally lost your patience. You walked into the kitchen, wanting an actual meal after days of eating nothing but snacks in an effort to stay locked in your room as much as possible, and saw Hongjoong standing at the counter, preparing his own food. You quickly turned around, ready to head back to your room, when you changed your mind. 

“No,” you said.

“No?” Hongjoong’s voice sounded utterly uninterested, but still teasing.

“No. This is my apartment, too. I’m not going to hide in my room until the lease is up just because you decided to shove your hands down my pants.” You turned and opened a cabinet, studying its contents.

“I did what?” Hongjoong turned towards you, looking at you like you were insane. “As far as I remember, I was just kissing you until you decided to start… to start rubbing on me!”

“Fuck you, I was drunk! I didn’t know what I was doing!”

“You think I wasn’t?”

“How the fuck should I know? I’m not your fucking nanny. And from the way you were moving I’m pretty sure you did know what the fuck you were doing.” After realizing what you just said, and pretty much admitting that Hongjoong was the source of the best fingering you had ever received, you felt your face heat up.

“I-” Hongjoong started, his mouth opening, and closing, as he struggled to find what to say in response. “I genuinely don’t even know how to respond to that.”

“Good, then just shut the fuck up!”

“I don’t know what kind of fucked up victim complex you have going on here, but like you said, I live here, too. I’m not going to put up with you yelling at me like I’m a child just because you’re frustrated that I could’ve given you the best orgasm of your life and you decided to freak out instead. Maybe you should go buy a vibrator or something, I hear their good for people who enjoy the sticks up their asses.”

“Speaking of asses,” you said, turning to face him. “You can kiss mine.”

“Fuck you. I will.”

“Fine.” You didn’t realize how close you had gotten, until you could feel his breath fan over your face. He looked down at you, not a sign of any emotion on his face, before grabbing your cheeks in his hands and pressing his lips against yours. You froze, unsure of how to react to the situation. After a few milliseconds of internal debate, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and kissed back. Hongjoong pushed you against the counter, his arms wrapping around you and trying to bring you as close to his body as he possibly could. It was minutes before you finally broke apart, the need for air outweighing the feeling of the kiss. 

“You know,” he whispered against your lips, “that was the stupidest fight I’ve ever had with anybody.”

You laughed airily before nodding your head in agreement. “You know, in the past 30 minutes you’ve spoken more to me than you have since you moved in. I really thought you hated me.”

He pulled his head away from you to look down at you incredulously. “I never hated you. Honestly, I’ve always thought you were so beautiful, from the day that San introduced us a couple days before I moved in. But you had a guy over the day after I moved in, so I took that as your way of saying that you wouldn’t want anything to do with me, and that I was just here to split the bills.”

It was your turn to look up at Hongjoong with disbelief written in your eyes. “So you’re telling me this entire time I could’ve been having amazing orgasms and not feeling awkward in my own home if I would’ve just clarified that I wasn’t implying anything with that one night stand?”

“Well, the blame is partially mine, too. I was definitely being oversensitive, there was no reason for me to act the way I have these past couple of months. But-”

“But?”

“But, I’m not a ‘no strings attached’ kind of person.”

“What do you mean?”

“Either you get the annoying, clingy side of me along with the amazing orgasms, or none of it.”

“Well,” you said, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I suppose I wouldn’t mind that 2-for-1 deal.”

Hongjoong smiled down at you before picking you up and carrying you to your room. “Now,” he began, “how about I give you that fuck you’ve been needing?”

Your face immediately warmed. “You heard me?”

“Absolutely, it was adorable. Now, should we begin?”

#mine #request #banghyung.txt #ateez imagines #ateez smut #ateez angst #ateez fluff #hongjoong smut #hongjoong angst #hongjoong fluff #kpop smut #kpop angst #kpop imagine #hongjoong imagine #kim hongjoong #ateez #atz

[asianjeremyheere]

part two to this post! aka i overanalyse act 2 from both recordings in the most concise way as i can manage, which is Not Very.

HALLOWEEN

Oh I like the very beginning better in the obcr… the way it fades in with the staticky noise? Love that. The ocr version is nice but the obcr version took it to another level man this song was already a banger and now its even more so. Orchestration? Fuck yeah! New verse? Yes!! The transition to the 'break a vase' bit was kind of jarring at first but I've gotten used to it? And I love the new verse and Rich being the most audible on "gasoline" and the harmonies on the "Halloween! Wooah! Yeaah!"

DO YOU WANNA HANG

Oh okay this goes to obcr too just because it's less uncomfy. Like obvs I can understand why people still don't like it and that's totally valid but I'm not going to get into anything potentially discourse-y wrt Chloe. I do prefer the Broadway version tho because it's (kind of) more focused on Chloe's insecurities and she sounds waaaay more wasted which. Props to Katlyn. AND MIKE ROSENGARTEN! HES STRINGS, RIGHT? GO. OFF. I LOVE THE STRINGS IN THIS. HES BASS I THINK? HIM? YEAH!!!!!!!

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM

They are. The same. They sound basically the same to me. Obcr is slower though I think? I do like how it picks up speed at the end, because that feels more representative of how my panic attacks generally feel? Like the whole ramping up speed thing? Other than that I genuinely can't really tell the difference.

A GUY THAT I'D KINDA BE INTO REPRISE

This isn't technically in the ocr but it IS still in the 2015 show so I'm gonna go find an audio of Two River and listen to it after the obcr version which, by the way, I'm in love with. I hear the opening notes and burst into tears immediately! The harmony on "agree"?? Is that a third? I think it might be? Are they singing in thirds? Their voices just compliment each other's so well and it's so cute and I know Christine rejects him at the end (which…. ouch) but like its such a cute, fun song and I love Will R's "Christiiiiiine"s in this. Okay, the Two River version is SO much faster and the slower tempo WORKS because it's like. A respite from the crazy fast-paced-ness of the rest of the part? And they don't have the harmony/Will C's "Christiiiine"s are all the same and kinda boring now that we've got Will R's :(

THE SMARTPHONE HOUR

TIFFANY!!!! KILLING IT!! I get why they changed it to "Jake's house" and like. It isn't actually that bad but it still takes me by surprise ngl. But Tiffany Mann….. damn…… love her. Lauren's "ignore" sounds so much more pissed off in the obcr skdjsks. Also, I am not a fan of whatever they did to Chloe's "Everybody was screaming" but the new melody during her "Rich set a fire and he…. etc" is good! I like it! It's just weird and came out of left field lmao. But god Tiffany's riffs and the new harmonies are GOLD and I am in LOVE. AND LAUREN'S SCREAM! But I do miss the ad-libbed part right before her scream where you can pretty clearly hear Jake Boyd yell "I hope Jake's okay!!!!" :(

THE PANTS SONG

Yes I'm doing this in Broadway order and yes I prefer the obcr because Jason Sweettooth Williams has such a distinct ~well-meaning white dad doing his best~ energy that it like. Reminds me of my own dad lmao. Plus the "NOOOOOOO sergeant? i don't know-" is so fucking funny to me skdjsjs. Also that last "put your pants on"?? Jason Sweettooth does that little run (does that count as a run? Is that a run?) and I love it. I do like it faster (ocr tempo > obcr tempo) though.

THE PITIFUL CHILDREN

I'll say this as many times as I need to but obcr Pitiful Children serves the plot SO much better by keeping the Squip as the villain and allowing us to see that no, it wasn't all Jeremy's fault and no, you cannot demonize him for what he did because he's being manipulated SO much more obviously in the obcr version! Also Jason Tam's riffs are god tier I'd give my life for this man and his voice! And Tiffany??? God they really just said Tiffany Mann rights, huh? They were like "oh we're a show with a pretty pop-rock focused score but ur an opera singer? cool, we can use that!" and damn did it pay off!!!! Also, the lyrics may have changed a bunch but it's still got the same energy and the same driving beat and stuff (I think? Imo, at least.) I miss EWM rolling his r's after the instrumental break though. And like, I don't know what's up with the 'ahhhh' at the end of the bway version? Is it supposed to parallel the end of BMC pt 2? I'm kind of neutral on that.

THE PLAY

I'm gonna be honest, this song is too long for me to actively pay attention to the whole thing. BUT I think obcr has more content in it? The MDR fight and stuff with Will R's glitchy vocals which are. God tier. I miss Jake's longer solo :( I prefer the obcr for most of it though? Brooke and Chloe's lines have improved and I like that they aren't as focused on who slept with who (although Michael's "ugh" was legendary…..) and instead setting themselves up for a possible reconciliation arc. And CHRISTINE!!!! Love her. The 'Jeremyyyy's sounding almost more dissonant with the Squip speaking in between each one??? God!!! I'm in love!!!!! The Squip is generally just more malicious in this. I think the ocr starts the track at a better time though? Like. The start of The Play in the obcr is kind of weird if you don’t have the context of Jeremy offering Christine a Squip and getting rejected. 

VOICES IN MY HEAD

Oh I love both versions of this song but Michael’s line being taken higher and Rich’s lisp being included in the recording and that harmony at the “listen and ohhhh” is SO pretty so THANK YOU obcr for my LIFE. Also, I don’t really know why they changed the popular kids’ lines to Jeremy but I’m digging the new ones (but also I am Very Glad that they didn’t change Jake’s) and the squad line is so good….. and him and Christine’s conversation!!! Bowling alley performance art instead of just lunch to show that Jeremy listened to her and is willing to step out of his comfort zone but in a positive way to help her fulfill her wish! With the LGW tune playing in the bg!!! Will R and Stephanie are so so cute and they have SUCH good onstage chemistry and I just. Adore them so much. Jeremy’s little “woohoo!!” when she agrees to go out with him?? God!!!! They’re both good but ocr has a calmer energy? Which is good but I personally just prefer the more upbeat, over-the-top-ness of the obcr in general!Anyway tl;dr I love both albums but ultimately prefer the obcr even though they’re like. Pretty close. Very close. Love them both. 

#bmc #be more chill #if ur reading all of this.... thank u and good on u because it is So Long im so sorry #i have SO MUCH to say and i got carried away so easily but no turning back now!!! all of it is Necessary. #tada!!! #was gonna stagger posting these but. decided against it.

[topbap]

okay I'll entertain u or rather my music taste will: let me be the one by SS501 / anger by Spica / sweet dream by Heechul & Min Kyung Hoon / trust me by Kard (jiwoo&jseph version) / I'm your girl by Khan / crazy, gone crazy by Berrygood HEARTHEART. pls tell me what u think of them!

It’s 03:03 (in the morn) so I’m glad you sent this lmfao - was a good one!

Okay:

SS501 - I love that song, one of my favourite by them tbh, I haven’t listened to them in awhile so this made me happy sjdbsjd (think it was one of the first songs I heard by them?) It’s the first time in along time that I’ve seen anyone mention them too so that’s made me hella happy

Spica - Okay, like I’m not a massive girl group fan but HOLY F U C K!! Like the first few seconds in and WOW - their vocals are out of this world omfg? I’m kind of mad I haven’t heard them before! Definitely might be one of the few gg’s I’ll listen too, I’m quite shook! I actually can’t get over this song, like dibdsjjdsk, I don’t even have words to describe like just o m g

Heechul & Kyunghoon - I LOVE THIS SONG OMFG!!! I LOVE KYUNGHOON / BUZZ SFM AND HEECHUL SO ITS LIKE AN ULT SONG FOR ME SHDHSJFND Y E S A N O N ! ! Can we talk about how good they sound when they song together though? Like their vocals are so good together, it makes me die, like they could actually kill me ngl. When they harmonise I just……bshdjdbddjdjdj! Kyunghoons voice absolutely kills me the most though, like how it’s deep but not like too deep, idk, it’s just soothing as all hell (plus it’s like a hella beautiful song anyway).

Kard - Okay, literally my first time listen to Kard and wow, can we talk about Jiwoo? Her voice is goddamn heaven in this song, like holy mother of Christ. At first I didn’t really like J.Sephs rap but the more I listened the more it fit with the tune, and I actually really like it. They sound good together, plus the lyrics are really something. Jiwoo still got me shOOk though (I might listen to the other version too). Gotta day thanks for giving me such a good introduction to Kard anon xoxo

Khan - okay, like I’m about half way through when I write this bit but it’s already hella catchy, I actually really like it, and the video is like really good too. I like the dances too but damn, who the blonde girl?, asking for a friend…They a damn powerful duo Fr though and I don’t know how I haven’t heard of them before this? Also why are people sleeping on them??? They gonna get far, I swear. Like that song is actually lit, I’m not even mad, I want more songs by them, like gimme an album rn

Berrygood HEARTHEART - This is pretty catchy too, like goddamn, and when they dancing with the red background d a m n. I like their dancing too, it’s not too cute for me to be like urgh, the vocals are really nice too, I’m kind of shocked. They hella slept on (I’m assuming from this one song) like only 448K views? They deserve way more !! Their visuals are pretty damn wowing too like holy-!

********

YOUR MUSIC TASTE IS HELLA BOMB LIKE GODDAMN! So a massive thank you for this anon, like djdbjsjdfj. I’ve added the songs I hadn’t listened too before to my playlist now, and I got some damn bops to listen too, I love you sfm anon!! 💞 (Its 03:30 now lmfao!) also if there is any typos and things that don’t make sense, I’m sorry, I cba to like proofread it lol

#anon #ask #answered #THIS WAS LIKE THE BEST ANON IVE HAD #I loved this #some lit asf songs #anon got amazing taste #ooooof #I’m shOOk

[shytiff]

Small Nov Wins

1 - cant bring myself to study, got out of bed 10:30-ish am. While lazing around i read royal servant and do random internet stuff and watched romee's vlogs. Ate breakfast and i somehow has no appetite?? This is rare. e, cicil kompre began at 15:30 pm (i know, i waste my time a lot). Pengumuman wahana mpi wow yay kalideres makara and budi asih

2 - the weather was pleasantly cloudy. poli anestesi anak, simul. went to what used to be calais, its called flavola now. at this point i quite need some calories because i only ate bubur ayam and its like 2-3 pm ish. Eventually the hunger is gone, arrived home at about 4-ish, drank protein to curb my hunger (nanggung dinner). dad said sumn that annoyed me so after maghrib i just lazed in bed, not feeling like doing anything (even though there’s lots of exams and hw lmao), fell asleep

3 - woke up at 2 am, prated, randomly searched for angel - chancellor and taeyeon’s lyrics and i basically wept at 4 am. i assumed the song was just like,,, a guy talking to a girl, his angel, you know. EXCEPT,,,,,,,,. the 2 MVs was also rly222 beautiful 🥺. Poli geriatri today, didnt even see patient because there was no more at that time (status salin nadia). ate ichiban salad (surprisingly quite good) at dm bcs i rly do be functioning better outdoors, made matcha latte with full cream milk ((powder)), cicil PT

4 - can finally wake up late. finished 1 sitasi pt, made ikk ppt, bujing lina called about diarrhea and nausea meds, laddered the leader for tomorrow’s exam and it,, was,,, me,, group call with shiko. frantically studied for EA

5 - PT (finished in 45 mins), simul as a leader, with STEMI, VF and hypoglycemia case. somehow made it through. i suck at dosages omggg. PP by car with mom (not rly that tired) but i SLEPT after i got home and had no mood to study helpppp

6 - did my first swab test today. i pushed the doctors hand when she’s doing oropharyngeal swab im sorryyyy 😂. slept. matcha. cicil kompre

7 - still havent finished ikk (deadline: today), and still havent studied for geri and ikk AND i still managed to take a nap. why. Read a bit of kompre. Not sleepy after matcha, but insted i reread bj alex and tsubaki chou lonely planet until 2 am the next day #rippriorities

8 - im having matcha latte seven days in a row as of today :))))) woke up at 10:30 am, went to flavola with atikah and got strawberry yakult (tasted like es mony), arrived home at abt 7-ish am and there no dinner, so i drank protein and ate japota honey butter. My breakfast was chicken porridge, so my diet is sooo liquid today. Rip proper nutrition (ate buryam, lumpia, japota for the whole day and drank 3 beverage). Cicil kompre and studied geri

9 - suma geri, slept, cicil kompre, ny head kind of hurts

10 - my head still hurts, suma ikk with dr herqu and dr retno, didnt take swab result by car because the TRAFFIC in soetta so my brother took it. Thankfully negative.

11 - lulus kompre alhamdulillah, the examiner were Prof Saptawati and dr. Dani from THT. Dr dani still remembered me :"") they were very kind. Went to tamel for first wahana: klinik makara UI. Picked up masker first at mahmudas place, and then went to depok. On the way i was interviewed by maba 2020 wtf im so old. Cleaned up my room with the fam, printed sumn in barel (its quite empty there)

12 - first day at klinik makara ui. i WALKED. such wow. fixed my shoes in kutek. had breakfast in barel and bahari for lunch-dinner. somehow i felt very drained. bought Dapur Alya (nutella and regal) and 2 salads from Salad Point since there was 11.11 promo. Put all of them in the fridge. Read Fools and its sooo good omg

13 - had salad and left over bahari rice for brekkie. went to clinic by grabbike :)))), had my first teleconsultation experience today, a chemical trauma case. suma ea with the help of shiko

14 - woke up at 5:20 ish and i jogged a bit at ui lmaoo. fisip - ft - fisip. By 6:30 im already back at my room. 1 hour can be spent a lot of different ways, it turns out. Washed my clothes. Ate monstercheese pizza. Slept a bit. Went to blok m with ara (she was late as always, surprised her with koi milk tea), ate futago ya (greasy cheesy milky goodness, enak tapi eneg afterwards), bought red bean bread at la mouette, bought discounted onigiri bento box at papaya. We went to m bloc space, looked around, ate gelato at kebunide (blueberry: yum, fresh, kiiinda feels artificial, salted caramel: delicious but makes me thirsty) and did photobox at connectoon. Walked to mrt asean but turns out!! for weekends mrt is closed at 8pm. Took grabbike to sudirman, seeing the pretty city and people just hanging out, playing skateboards on the wide sidewalks.

15 - planned to go jogging with salemba frens but i woke up late (06:45), so i just lazed around. Ate onigiri bento (super worth it for 25k for the proteins), fell asleep again 10ish to 14:30 lmaoo. The doms from yesterday was present even on the right side of my lower back 🙂 the red bean bread made me feel full, and the red bean was not too sweet, which i love. Reviewed some meshwork materials i missed. Fianti called and we talked abt her and hari

16 - had mujigae for sahur and fish bite for iftar. The fish was not as soft as fish streat, but the flour was definitely better and crunchy. But it doesnt have the seasoning micin like fish streat do. The pasta was quite a lot im in food coma afterwards. Fell asleep, and my stomach was so gassy that i woke up in the middle with a headache that does not play around. Fortunately it dissapeared in the morning

17 - breakfast is rice kimchi and abon lmaoo just pretend it makes sense. The scrubs i ordered finally arrived. I fell asleep AGAIN, WHYYYY. Lost my streak in DL, i guess i can stop using it for now.

18 - finished reading blood link, girlll i thought the human died at the end. Did not buy food today wow. Took a nap and cicil kompre.

19 - brekkie at barel. Helped measuring antropometry today at clinic, and also measured my own. The fucked up thing was that i THOUGHT my body fat is still at 28% compared to the past (dr rina's research). So i looked at the old paper AND. I USED TO HAVE. 35% FAT 🙂 even my memories are in denial and are fooling me. All this time i thought i was at 28 🙂 did swab at rsui. The one swabbing was from fkui 2012 and we had small talk. It hurted more than lmk :( now this does feel like drowning in water (cause before i said "nah its not like water in nose"). Took angkot back to tamel, bought piscok lumer pocin and its soooo gooood ugh

20 - i feel like if i have breakfast with leftover rice and abon and sozzis i get hungry faster lmaoo. Ordered ken karaage from kukusan, yaa okela for 25k with ongkir. Did online posbindu education through wa. BTS BE COMEBACK 🥺 i maximized my wifi time (no wifi at tamel) so i listened to the whole album. My mobile data is at 200MB lol. Read a good longreads from the atlantic, about down synd and genetic screening. The writing is so so good im just blown away. And teary eyed.

21 - ran a bit, solid class (gastro, rheum, infection), embryo, webinar about sleep by dr Gita Anindyajati, SpKJ, bought ayam geprek gold chick (lotsss of oil since i ordered tempe, jamur, egg, bought pop cookies. matcha cheese was actually better than i expected (the combination somehow fits), dark chocolate and marshmallow is very chocolatey like mom’s brownies, and vegan strawberry cookie with a hint of mint. i wonder how they replace the egg. I wonder why after i run i dont feel hungry for a moment. bloating just gooes away

22 - joined kris' healthy weekly event (lmao) in tamsur. They went to epiwalk first. Its difficult for me to run w mask, ngl. Went back to tamel, embryo, ate leftover meal from gold and chick, felt somehow drained to the bone so i just laid in bed and lazed and lazed. Theres no soreness, but the weakness was generalized lmao. Ordered bbq chicken almond salad from salad point, it was actually quite fulfilling and delishhh (added chili sauce to the dressing). Literally laid in bed from 7 until i fell asleep and woke up at 6 the next day. Finished readin shame application lmao

23 - i still feel tired ckckck. No doms, but i feel like i just want to lay down. got DV patient today at clinic, its most likely derm numularis??? Ate salad and dark choco marshmallow cookies in the evening and that cookie. Is so damn sweet im just thinking about the increase in my blood sugar. And i like sweets so!!! Never thought id find sumn too sweet. Washed my clothes and cicil ukmppd (i put things about studying ukmppd in habitica now)

24 - ate tanoshi sushi and ufo ramen for bfast, ate the sushi again for lunch and after waking up from my sleep i tried kokku ramen (so so, but the egg yolk's good)

25 - bfast: superbubur, protein shake and cookies. (did not make me feel full long enough). Ordered burger from EATG (so so, burger bener is better) for lunch. Last day at makara ui. Ara arrived coz shes staying here in tamel. Waiting for mom to arrive from cibubur, she arrived at about 20:30. I passed out at home

26 - first day in pkm kalideres, i volunteered to be pj to avoid RSUD. my room is a mess, i feel tired after i go back. maybe its the physical withdrawal (?) because i dont walk like when im on klinik makara. came to pkm thinking i wont do anything (orientation only) but the 6 of us ended up going. i was at igd. i saw nail extraction and injected ats for another patient 

27 - talked for almost an hour with the doctor at poli lansia. went home, felt sooo tired, i slept and actually showered after maghrib. originally planned to go to sbux but i was just tired af. my mood was horrible at home. 

28 - turns out i started my period today. i havent studied at all during pkm kalideres era. embryo. slept again. read some manga by nishin something with the psychological and BL genre. 

29 - embryo. cut my hair, showered, and felt better. fell asleep on dr gita's lecture. Drank cimory banana milk with a bit of matcha powder. I dont know if its the sleep, or a bit of caffeine, but my mood feels better and im more awake. Cicil ukmppd with a slow pace. Read itasaku ff. Slept at about 2 am

30 - surprisingly, i dont feel sleepy when i wake up. poli anak today, surprisingly i got perinatology case (jaundice). presented it on pleno. for bfast i ate 3 slice of bread (2 with meat and cheese, 1 choco and cheese) and protein shake, lunch: a slice of choco cheese bread and a banana, fell asleep, dinner: 1 bakwan, a banana and nextar. i can feel that the calories i got today is even less than what i usually got (and usually i already try to limit calories that i am counting the intake amout and made sure im not too far from my bmr lmaoo (~1100)

[wanderingmendes]

Tag!

I was tagged by @shawnsmercy thank you!

rules- answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people

-What was your last...

1) drink- green tea

2) phone call- my dad

3) text message- to my dad saying im not coming home to watch my siblings

4) song you listened to- it girl by jason derulo

5) time you cried- this morning (its a hard week kids)

-have you ever...

6) dated someone twice?- nope

7) kissed someone and regretted it?- nope

8) been cheated on?- nope

9) lost someone special?- yes

10) been depressed?- no, i am sad a lot but theres a distinct line between sad and depressed

11) gotten drunk and thrown up?- yes drunk but I did not throw up

-fave colours

12) purple

13) baby pink

14) blue

-in the last year have you...

15) made new friends?- yes! A lot

16) fallen out of love?- yes

17) laughed until you cried?- at least once a week

18) found out someone was talking about you?- um fuck yea and i put that bitch in her place. Dont mess with me

19) met someone who changed you?- yes! A friend of a friend shes one of my favorite people rn

20) found out who your friends are?- nope sadly

21) kissed someone on your facebook friends list?- nope

-general

22) how many of your facebook friends do you know irl?- everyone, its all family

23) do you have any pets?- yes! A dog named Izzy

24) do you want to change your name?- not technically i just wanna use my nickname as my legal name

25) what did you do for your last birthday?- slept all day and got a drum set

26) what time did you wake up today?- 6 am school sucks ass

27) what were you doing at midnight last night?- scrolling through some tumblr reading a lil something something😉

28) what is something you cant wait for?- my birthday!!

29) what is your favourite animal?- polar bear theyre so cute i want 50

30) what are you listening to rn?- nothing but my breathing

31) have you ever talked to someone named tom?- yea theres a tom in some of my classes hes sorta a snack

32) something thats getting on your nerves?- fake people and by that I mean someone who says something/someone they dont like to you just go agree with you and then they turn and talk to that person or do that thing, just because we are friends doesnt make us the same person

33) most visited website?- definitely tumblr

34) hair colour?- brown with blonde balayage

35) long or short hair?- medium length it reaches my bra strap

36) do you have a crush on someone?- eh not really rn but in a week or so I will. I crush hop

37) what do you like about yourself?- my eyes and my artistic ability

38) want any piercings?- yes! I want my smiley i think its so cute, also my nipples, a dermal on my collarbones and between my breasts and a belly button piercing

39) bloodtype?- I. have. no. clue.

40) nicknames?- bella, and vic(short for victoria my legal name idk where bella came from)

41) relationship status?- single

42) sign?- gemini

43) pronouns?- what?

44) fave tv shows?- criminal minds, law and order, teen wolf, and say yes to the dress

45) tattoos?- no but i want them

46) left or right handed?- right

47) ever had surgery?- yes, got my tonsils out

48) piercings?- yup, 6 on my right ear, 5 on the left and 2 nose rings

49) sport?- volleyball and tennis

50) vacation?- Florida or Punta Cana

51) trainers?- my Adidas, i have pink and white ones and theyre the loves of my life

-more general

52) eating- candy

53) drinking- green tea

54) im about to watch- netflix, probably criminal minds

55) waiting for- june 14th (when I leave for punta cana)

56) want- shawns dick ngl

57) get married- yes!

58) career- neurosurgeon

-which is better

59) hugs or kisses?- oof issa tie. I like big bear hugs and deep kisses I cant pick

60) lips or eyes?- eyes (theyre the window to the soul and more than less likely a guy ruins his shot with you the minute he opens his mouth soooo)

61) taller or shorter?- taller *cough cough* shawn

62) older or younger?- older

63) nice arms or stomach?- arms

64) hookups or relationship?- relationship

65) troublemaker or hesitant?- troublemaker

-have you ever

66) kissed a stranger- no

67) drank hard liquor- yes

68) turned someone down- yes

69) sex on the first date- no

70) broke someones heart- I believe so

71) had your heart broken- not directly

72) been arrested- almost

73) cried when someone died- yes

74) fallen for a friend- almost, swooped the fuck outta there real quick

-do you believe in

75) yourself- eh

76) miracles- no

77) love at first sight- no

78) santa claus- no

79) angels- no

-misc

80) eye colour- green/yellow

81) best friends name- olivia

82) favourite movie- it

83) favourite actor- dylan o’brien

84) favourite cartoon- teen titans

85) favourite teachers name- all my teachers fucking sucked

Im tagging @shit-to-kinda-okay @shawnmendesouttakes @shawnm521 @shawnsmoans unless you already did it or dont want to!💓

#ask #ask me anything #send me asks #questions

[paradox-oflife]

massive q and a post part 4 ignore this pls

1. Is the grass greener on the other side? It depends on perspective I guess. To me, not really. All of us are going through some stuff in the inside.

2. If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it does it make a noise? uuuuuh yeah, i’d say so!

3. Why does it always rain on me? (idk how to respond to this)

4. Have you ever sailed a boat? One time. It was kinda scary ngl but my brother basically did most things for me.

5. Do you love or loathe Harry Potter? Love. Bro, 2nd grade me reading books under the covers. Catch me with some Percy Jackson or HP.

6. Do you do your utmost for the environment? Of course mate. Though one person won’t have much effect on global warming, you gotta respect your surroundings.

7. Do you love or loather Eurovison? I only watched it once. Reminds me a lot of the Voice. I don’t really watch that type of stuff though.

8. Have you ever wielded a sword? YEAH. I got a plastic one for a skit in school and god it was so much fun doing choreographed fights. I felt cool.

9. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building names after you? Maybe something small. Nothing too big. Depends what I did to become famous too.

10. Whats your favourite type of fish? Why the Blobfish of course.

11. Which do you prefer pony tails or pig tails? Ponytails. I wear low ponytails like everyday because my hair makes my face irritated sometimes.

12. Whats the ultimate cake topping? Fruit. Enough said.

13. Do you like marzipan? It’s no bad.

14. Whats better? Center Parks or Butlins?  (I’m assuming this is another British thing for hotels)

15. If you were in a band, what instrument/role would you play? I actually was in a band during high school with my friends, except we barely performed. We just hung out in the garage playing songs we liked. I was the bassist, or sometimes when the keyboardist couldn’t make it I’d play piano. I wanted to try drums but i can’t move my limbs independently enough. I tried picking up the guitar but there’s too many strings lmao i can’t memorize enough chords

16. Can you erect a tent? Nope

17. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck it until I get bored, then i CRONCH it

18. Have you ever used a telephone book? (yeah im old enough to remember these things) I used it as fuel for a fireplace lol

19. If you have an mp3 player what size is it? I used to have one. It was smaller than my hand.

20. Do you still have any music on vinyl or casettes? No :( I don’t have a vinyl player but I have old casettes of Chinese Children songs lmao

21. Do you still have a camera that uses conventional film? My dad has one, but it’s out of batteries.

22. Approximately how many DVD's do you have? A lot. I have one of those books with DVD holders and they’re just movies like Shrek.

23. Approximately how many Albums do you have? Downloaded on my phone - a lot.

24. Do you talk to yourself? When I’m alone. I’ve done it before at school and I got crazy looks

25. Do you sing to yourself? ONLY when Im by myself. God forbid anyone hears me singing.

26. Do you know any identical twins? I know two pairs that’s my age, and a pair that’s 27 I believe.

27. Have you ever given blood? No, I really should as someone with blood type O+ but im a big WUSS when it comes to needles.

28. Could you ever be a medical guineapig? Nah. I need something that’s been tested. Because if they screw up, chances are they won’t know how to fix it.

29. Whats your favourite radio station? Classical music station for short drives because I don’t know like any of the “mainstream” stuff. But I just connect my phone to the car and listen to my own playlists.

30. Whats your favourite letter of the Alphabet?  X feels so exotic

31. Which is better? rollerblade or rollerskates? Rollerskates.

32. Have you ever written a love letter? No

33. How many valentines cards did you recieve this/last year? 5. They were all from my friends :)

34. What are cooler? Dinosaurs or Dragons? Dragons for SURE

35. Have you ever made your own ice lollipops? No

36. Have you ever made your own Ice cream? No

37. Which foreign language did you have to learn at school? and do you still remember enough to hold a conversation in that language? I did two years of Spanish in middle school, but for high school I went the easy path and took Chinese. Then again, most people who take Chinese already speak Chinese. I did it to jump to AP faster.

38. Do you know CPR? Only from the Office, but I’ve never had to do it before. I heard you have to keep pushing until the ribs break?? 

39. Do you have any swimming badges? Nah, I can swim but I sure am slow

40. Do you prefer digital or rotary/analogue clocks? I’m alright with either

41. How tall is the tallest person you know? 6′7″. Mate, I’m 5′1″, I literally have to tilt my head so high just to talk with him.

42. Have you ever got lost in a maze? omg yeah in New Zealand there’s this thing called a sensory maze. And at one point you go into this room where the seizure inducing lights are flashing on and off super quickly and it’s filled with mirrors. Me and my cousin were basically crawling on the floor because we kept crashing into mirrors.

43. Have you ever been attacked by a wild animal? No and I hope I never do

44. Have you ever ridden a camel? No. Don’t see a lot of camels in California

45. Whats your opinion on rats? They’re alright. As long as they’re not in my house

46. Have you ever been to a gym? Yeah.

47. Have you ever been in a helicopter? No, but it seems kind of fun

48. Have you ever cheated at a test? Okay, maybe a couple times but after 9th grade i STOPPED

49. Have you ever ridden a tractor? Yeah, I even wore a bandana.

50. Are you a gossip? No. I only spill tea around people I know who can keep secrets.

51. Have you ever cried at a film? Yeah. The last time was during Avengers Endgame when Black Widow sacrifices herself.

52. When you're ill do you struggle on regardless or just curl up in bed as much as possible? Well, coming from an Asian family, I developed that type of mentality where if it’s just a cold, then I keep going. If I have a fever, then I stay home.

53. Do you need to write down things to remember them? Most of the times

54. Do you keep a diary/journal? I’ve kept one since 6th grade. It’s so interesting to see how my mentality and thinking has changed over the years. From my lowest points to my highest, it’s so cool.

55. Are you scared of thunderstorms? Nah, unless there’s lightning close by. One time I was at Taiwan and there was lightning like right outside my house. Bro it’s the scariest thing ever. You see a flash of lightning next to the window and the house rattles with a BOOOOOM. Legit, it’s so loud

56. Do you have any unusual fears or phobias? I mean, needles are a pretty common fear so I guess not.

57. Whats your favourite disney movie? Lion King. The remake wasn’t that bad imo.

58. Have you ever slept in a caravan? Nope

59. Have you ever painted a house? I’ve painted inside one

60. Have you got green fingers? I mean, I’m alright with plants. 

61. Whats the tallest tree you've ever climbed? Not that tall because I slipped and fell one time and had the air knocked out of me. Thought I would die there lol

62. Have you ever dialed the talking clock? (another uk thing)

63. Do you always wear identical socks? I try to but hey, if I don’t care, then it’s a free for all

64. Do you live by any motto or philosophy? A couple actually. A lot of comes from the Bible, specifically the whole  Matthew 5-7 sermon on the mountain

65. Do you lick the yoghurt or desert lid? Yes, there’s so much on there.

66. Do you lick the spoon clean after making something sweet? Usually, unless it’s like raw or something

67. Do you like the sound of music? (the musical/film) I remember watching that on those old TVs during elementary school. I think it’s a pretty nice film!

68. Have you ever made your own orangejuice? Yeah

69. Have you ever sucked on a lemon? yes and i think i had a sweet lemon because it was honestly not sour

70. Have you ever licked a battery? no WTF

71. Are you a good aim with a rubber band? Ah, not really.

72. Have you ever played golf? Yee

73 .Whats the most unusual name you've ever come across? I met a Jezebel before. The name meaning itself isn’t bad, but that character in the Bible is associated with pretty bad things

74. Do you prefer to wash in the mornings or evenings? Evening showers>>>> you literally CANNOt change my mind

75. Have you ever danced in the rain? No. because I hate getting my shoes wet.

76. Do you like long or short hair? Long hair

77. Have you ever sworn at an authority figure? Nope. I’m a good kid

78. Have you ever walked into a wall? Yes. So embarrassing.

79. Whats your favourite precious metal? N/A

80. Whats your favourite precious stone? N/A

81. Could you ever hunt your own meal? No way. 

82. Have you ever read any comics? None of your standard American DC Comics, but yeah.

83. Where do you like to go to on a first date? Somewhere personal. Doesn’t matter where really. I mean personal like, a picnic on a grassy plain, or under a starry sky. Studio Ghibli vibes.

84. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? Horizontal I guess

85. Have you ever baked your own bread? Yeah and it came out like pita chips lol

86. Can you believe I can't believe its not butter is in fact not actually butter? I don’t eat that much butter, but I guess it’s what it says in the title?

87. Can you name all 50 American states? Yes. Capitals though? Maybe 70%

88. Have you ever owned a goldfish? Ive had a beta fish and two guppies in second grade. 

89. What was your favourite school subject? Orchestra and Literature. A lot of people are surprised at my choice of lit. But I actually love reading and analyzing, though writing papers kind of suck. The problem for me when it comes to writing papers isn’t coming up with a topic, it’s wording it in MLA format. Like I could discuss with people all the time but its hard to organize my thoughts.

90. What was your least favourite school subject? Math. Which is a bit odd because I’m actually not too bad at it. But I’ve had the most mental breakdowns when it comes to math. Geez, AP Calc was a ride. I also cried in Chemistry once. 

91. Have you ever passed wind in an embarassing situation? Not that I can’t think of. And Im sure if I have, it would be engraved in my memories.

92. Have you ever played the bongos? Yeah. Pretty fun.

93. Have you ever handled a snake? Yeah it was a smol milk snake. He was a shy boy.

94. Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself? OMG YEAH from Ikea it was such an experience. The satisfaction of sitting in a chair you built all by yourself is so satisfying.

95. When did you last go to the beach? Like... a while ago. A year ago maybe.

96.  When if ever did you last go to london? Haven’t been there, but totally would!

97. What do you do to cool down when its hot? Sit inside with a fan, or A/C

98. Whats the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? Okay now don’t judge me on this one but i LOVE century eggs. It’s not too uncommon to find them in Taiwan.

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #14: "i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted)” - Bryce

I can't believe that I am here. I made it to the Final 4. It is very crazy. I thought that I was toast in the Final 6. So to be here now is very exciting and shocking. The final 3 is going to depend on who wins immunity. I am really hoping that I could win this immunity to secure my spot in the final 3. If not then I hope that Matt doesn't win it. He needs to be an option just in case. I'm very nervous. I just finished my rites of passage. and its crazy that its almost final tribal.

so im getting 4th. FJKASDHFKJh this comp is so hard and like im literally not gonna be able to do endurance so i need to do well on the other stuff but i just dont see that happening... like this puzzle first try was 70 minutes FJKASDHFKAJS. AND I KNOW COUNTING WILL MESS ME UP BC IM NERVOUS WRECK i didnt even mean to caps that but its tea. like flash game i think when i played this once before i wasnt bad but maybe i was who knows. im so emo like no one is talking to me anymore FKJASHDFKJ like i guess bc its just 1 vote left they dont wanna pretend they wont cut me FJAKSDFH like my game not even that good im gonna get dragged by sharky/nathan/keaton/nicole/ everyone but brian... maybe even brian who knows NNNN. my nnn. is so iconic.. maynor who?. idk like ok so if i win immunity (which i wont) idek what to do like i feel like voting matt is the best option maybe. bc i WONT be voting maynor bc i love him (not that i dont love anna and matt) but i just feel like we've had the best relationship of the f4 and im confident that the jury will like my game more than his (maybe they wont tho... i say confident but i mean 2% (not skim) sure they will) but ok so annabelle prob is hated by jury at least from brian and maybe even sharky? but like she didnt play bad she literally made most iconic move at f6 and i respect that but idk if jurors do like ppl keep saying shes a goat  so maybe she has no chance. and then theres matt where like ppl cant be mad he voted them when everyone and their mom in this game has voted him ASDKJFHASDKJ. like so hes prob liked by jury but i just dont know if hes done anything to deserve to win. he found 2 idols successfully played 1 but that was more on anna/nicks weird sense of leaking when it didnt really benefit them.  but like ok he was least threatening member of trio who got to the end so underdog edit is there even tho he literally wasnt underdog tbh u know who was an underdog... ME. i had NO ONE but nathan for a lil.. then dennis... then he got ROBBED. so then i had brian... but he got ROBBED. and now i have maynor like ive literally flipped and flopped to better my game and idk like i am physically able to meaningfully say ive done anything good ever in life or orgs but like i didnt do too bad i think! KJFAHSDKJF... idk maybe im getting 0 votes 3rd place no matter what and if thats the case im still so happy bc ive had a lot of fun in this game and met some true friends (and keaton) but like im getting 4th anyway so doesnt matter! ugh that sounds like a final goodbye confession but i know me and im gonna confess like 10 more times before this round is over so if i do get 4th/3rd just know that this was my true end...

So like.... I do not think i'm winning immunity. like at all. which makes me pretty nervous ngl. I really want to be there at the finale cause i think I have a good shot. If Bryce loses, i'm fairly sure i'm good to get to FTC but otherwise im scared. Making FTC would be really good for me cause I think i can out argue Maynor and Annabelle fairly well, but otherwise with bryce there idk. So like, BRYCE CAN'T WIN IMMUNITY. Also this FIC is disgusting like no thanks. I've already fucked up the 2 live ones so uh ya am annoyed :(. woo final juror here i come!

Bryce won immunity. Im glad. I wouldnt want to be in the position to vote Bryce. I had to abstained from the counting part cuz it triggered my anxiety. I tried tho but i couldnt. This vote is going to be said. Matt is going to go 4th. And i feel really bad. We got to know each other more during every tribal. This really sucks. I just dont want to give him false hope where there isnt any. Im going to help tomorrow.

I am so getting final juror. fuck. i knew it would happen if bryce won immunity and it fucking is. I am so sad about this. I have worked so hard all game to get here and its just being tossed away like that. I am SO sad. I have fucked up my sleep schedule for this game and now its getting me final juror. ugh. i just wanted to get to the end and like argue my case. but now? not happening :( i hate this

I WON I REALLY WON IMMUNITY ASKDJFHASKDJF I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LOSE WHEN I GOT 12 POSTS ASJFKHKASJFDHASDKJF THATS SO NNNNN IM SO HAPPY BUT SO SAD BC NOW I TRIED TO TELL MATT IM VOTING HIM BC I WANT TO BE HONEST BUT HE SAYS HES TALKING TO A BRICK WALL LIKE???? SORRY FOR NOT WANTING TO GIVE U FALSE HOPE AJDSFHDKAJ its honestly so rude like ive been in that position before so i know what its like when ur pleading ur case and the person doesnt seem to care and im NOT doing that. but obvioulsy i didnt just make up a plan on what to do at f4 so obviously i have thoughts and plans and im not just gonna switch it up bc u plea to me now. idk KJASHDFKJ also im so scared im gonna lose now NNN hes saying anna played so well and tbh she kind of did maybe i lose no matter what...

So like i am leaving but its ok! why? cause i will preserve my legacy by dropping a whole ass fajita recipe here so that I can feel like i have made an IMPACT on the season. Even though like im still sad its me, im going out with a bang baby! I don't use this recipe personally ( I am a broke student) but its v.good!

Ingredients: 2 large chicken breasts, finely sliced 1 red onion, finely sliced (ready to make you cry) 1 red pepper, sliced 1 red chilli, finely sliced (optional) For the marinade 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika 1 tbsp ground coriander pinch of ground cumin 2 medium garlic cloves, crushed 4 tbsp olive oil 1 lime juiced 4-5 drops Tabasco

Method: Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and wrap 6 medium tortillas in foil.

Mix 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika, 1 tbsp ground coriander, a pinch of ground cumin, 2 crushed garlic cloves, 4 tbsp olive oil, the juice of 1 lime and 4-5 drops Tabasco together in a bowl with a big pinch each of salt and pepper.

Stir 2 finely sliced chicken breasts, 1 finely sliced red onion, 1 sliced red pepper and 1 finely sliced red chilli, if using, into the marinade.


Heat a griddle pan until smoking hot and add the chicken and marinade to the pan.

Keep everything moving over a high heat for about 5 mins using tongs until you get a nice charred effect. If your griddle pan is small you may need to do this in two batches.

To check the chicken is cooked, find the thickest part and tear in half – if any part is still raw cook until done.

Put the tortillas in the oven to heat up and serve with the cooked chicken, a bag of mixed salad and one 230g tub of fresh salsa.

hope the random person reading this uses it otherwise gj future me reading this you've officially gone insane! yeet ig?

This is going to be a sad day. I really like Matt and dont want to vote him out but its the best option from the people available. It really sucks. I feel his pain and ahh.

I’m literally going to cry. I want to help Matt. I wish we could all be final 3 but we can’t. I’m dying emotionally. Final 4 always has so much pressure cuz theres only 4 people left. I hope Matt doesn’t hate me. I hope he understands thisnis a game move because he techinically was the underdog in the beginning then was on top then back to underdog. I just hope he doesnt take it personal that I don’t think tie-ing it for him would be good for my game.

OMG IDK WHATS GONNA HAPPEN MATT GO HOME PLS BUT I FEEL LIKE ANNA IS VOTING MAYNOR IM GONNA BE SO SAD AHHHH DJSKFHSDKJF

Matt is voted out 3-1. He becomes the final juror.

ok so i had the worst day of my life today and didnt plan my speech at all so thats where im at NNN time to fake smile and hope the jurors like my ad libbed speech ASFKUHDFKJ ftc starts in 4 minutes.

well.. that was interesting adsjflhasdkfj. Like i always have 0 confidence in myself so i think im gonna lose and i really do respect the game that anna and maynor played. im just sad that i dont think i articulated myself well bc like im so bad with words anajsfhakj and ppl were saying conflicting things and its just not in me to like chime in with my pov to possible sway it in my favor bc i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted) but yaaa like i truly think that maybe i kind of did play super well and deserve to win but either way ill be happy bc i made *some* genuine friendships and also like had so much fun voting ppl out KFADHSKJASHK. i wish i like wrote what all my confessionals were so i could reference sth i said on day 1 but it was prob like i hate my tribe they ignore me so maybe ill just say that again FKJADSHFKJ. we love coming full circle... im so hungry i didnt eat so i will now stop typing to get dinner maybe i will write another confessional. omg wait gotta have some line thats iconic in case theres an episode title... think... love talking to myself FAKSDHFKj im so funny when i was like "i realized hey i respond to myself ill take me to the end" its such a mood KFJASDHFKJ ok but hm... ok. maybe im a snake who doesnt actually care about people and use them to my advantage to get my way but at least im not jayden. OMG jk thats so mean even tho he deserves it ALSO i was gonna like comment on keaton being like "saying the n word doesnt make u racist" but then he was kind of nice to me so i didnt.. love being as fake woke as me... not being confrontational to get a jury vote... so gross NNNN wooh idk how to end this but watch waves music video normani literally snapped so hard is being as slept on as me. omg wait... maybe im a pillow bc i sure am being slept on. iconic line.... i love the hosts so much ignore literally every cringe thing i wrote in this confessional pls FKJADSHKFJ

IM VERY DRUNK AND I DNT KNOW IF I HAD TO. BUT EITHER BRYCE OR ANNA WILL WIN CUZ IM A MES AND DONT DESERVE TO CUZ THEY WERE BOTH AMAZING FOR LETTING ME GET TO FTC. I WANNA THANK ANNA THE HOST FOR BEING AMAZING AND GREAT. I LIKED THE ALICE THEM CUZ HEART CUZ ICANT  EMOHJI, ,LOVED THIS SEASON AND UR ALL AMAZING HOSTS.

Im happy I made it to the final 3. And even though FTC was bad; I enjoyed it. I know I’m probably getting 3rd which is fine. I have so much respect to Annabelle and Bryce and everyone in the jury. I’m more excited to be able to talk to all of them again. Let’s see who is our winner will it be Bryce or Annabelle!? The hosts you guys were amazing and i had a great time this season. Im glad Jones pushed and convinced me to apply. Thank you for giving me a spot in this season. And Jones you da best. 💖💛💙

confession time. everytime i write one of these i put the day as who are u and my name as what day is it.. my mind always having to go change it. but um didnt think i would be writing another one of these FJKSADF but i have no self control and winner reveal is in 4 and a half hours and im literally sick FAKJDSk i feel so anxious and nervous like even if i lose im gonna be happy but i just really want to win also im still trying to process ppl not liking me or my gameplay and saying i played with their emotions FJKASDHFJ i had a blast. anyways this is the anthem of the day apparently https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhzN7SfnNeY

WHATS GOING ON?? IM TIRED IS WHATS GOING ON IM SO ANXIOUS! im sooo anxious i want to win. pls...

Bryce wins Celestial Marmoreal in a 4-3-0 vote!

#episode #allmadhere