#next time i’ll get a book by ellen bass

[maeumsim]

i'm feeling defeated about a lot of things in my life lately (but mainly my career), can you recommend any poems/quotes/anything with words of encouragement? i don't want to give up, but i deeply feel "why bother?"

hi anon 🦋 I deeply relate to ur words even though our circumstances r probably very different. I’ve been in an awful place lately and it’s only two days ago that I decided that I would get my life together even if I didn’t want to live it. Looking for quotes to bring u some comfort ended up comforting me in return by reminding me of things I believe in. So I want to thank you and I truly hope reading all those poems and quotes make you feel somewhat better. You ask “why bother?” and there are thousands of things I could say to contradict you but I simply want to as you in return: “why not?”

Your Shadow Invents You Every Time Light Fails to Pass Through You by Michael Wasson (Listen, my love. This year is just a visitor & next year’s / ghost. Take care of it because yes—yes, you do deserve flowers for once / in your life.)

Snowdrops by Louise Glück (afraid, yes, but among you again / crying yes risk joy / in the raw wind of the new world.)

Instructions on Not Giving Up by Ada Limón (Fine then, / I’ll take it, the tree seems to say, a new slick leaf / unfurling like a fist to an open palm, I’ll take it all.)

The Thing Is by Ellen Bass (to love life, to love it even / when you have no stomach for it)

The Letter by Linda Gregg (I’m not feeling strong yet, but I am taking / good care of myself)

Letters To a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke (“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” and “I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”)

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by  Cheryl Strayed

Ask Polly: ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’

Ask Polly: Help, I'm The Loneliest Person In The World! (”You are young and you are learning how to live”)

Ask Polly: Why Should I Keep Going? (” You are not lost. You are here. Stop abandoning yourself.”)

“Ask Polly: Is Life All Downhill From Here?” (“Stop cringing — at your future, at your failure, at yourself in the mirror — and stand up and look directly at who you are. Not who you should’ve been, but who you are now. Let that person in. Let her be as mediocre and wrong and shameful and sad and miserable and brilliant and hilarious as she wants to be, because she knows exactly what you need to feel good. She has plans for you. She wants to show you what comes next. She wants to take you into the future you’re dreading and say, “See? You never would’ve imagined this.”)

#i truly wish u the courage to live thru ur hard times <33 #mail💌 #healing.

[claraoswaldfics]

Halloween Night

The throbbing in her neck was the first thing Clara noticed as she woke up. The second was that she was naked. What had happened last night?

As she pushed her fringe out of her face, she noticed a trail of clothes winding their way from the door to her bed. Heels, jumper, skirt. She lifted the covers, where she discovered her bra and underwear, neither of which were still on her body. But strangest of all were the orange knee-socks on the unoccupied pillow beside her. Were they hers?

On her bedside table, her phone announced it had finished charging. That should have taken it about one and a half hours, so either there had been a power cut last night, or someone else had recently plugged it in for her. Clara looked at the screen and saw on it a message from her flatmate, Priya.

“Noticed a redhead sneaking out of your room this morning. Congrats on losing your gay virginity!” Dozens of emojis followed; huge blocks of pride flags and fireworks lit up her screen, then the message continued, “Not going to tell the group chat until you’re ready of course, but girl, I am going to need all the deets!”

There may have been more to the text, but it was then that Clara noticed the date. November first. Suddenly it all came rushing back.

 It was Halloween at Glitz.

The club itself had been dwindling for a while now and most of the cool young people had probably moved away to venues that were more ‘hip’ or ‘fresh’. The fact that Clara assumed that was still the lingo was part of why she still came to Glitz. Not often, granted. It was strictly on an annual basis now. An ersatz tradition dating back to their university days (back when they’d all briefly experimented with paganism) to dance at this increasingly outdated, overpriced discotheque every 31st of October.

Even in the rain

Clara was as usual the first to arrive. It wasn’t so much that she was always early as everyone else was always late. The whatsapp group had assured her a few hours ago that they’d be there though, so there was still a chance (however small) that they were already inside.

She flashed her ID to the bouncer, who made a point of studying it. She was 26 now, old enough to appreciate being mistaken for someone younger, but still young enough to be impatient about the delay. Or maybe it was the costume that was holding him up. Thinking about it, it must be hard to tell if someone is who they say they are when they’re dressed as Velma Dinkley.

Ever since she’d gone for a more bob-like haircut, she’d been getting a lot of comparisons to the Scooby Doo character, so it was an easy decision to lean into it for Halloween. This didn’t mean it was an easy or cheap costume – Clara Oswald never did things by half, after all. She’d been nosing around high streets and second-hand shops the last two weekends putting it together. The orange jumper was baggy but sewn so as to give a good impression of her figure. The glasses made her eyes seem even wider, and combined with the freckles she’d drawn on took five years off her face. Surprisingly it was the little red skirt that had taken her the longest to find, only appearing in a last-minute lunch-break scrabble in Oxfam, and between it and the knee-socks, she was showing a lot more thigh than she was used to.

I mean it looks damn good, she thought to herself, but it isn’t half cold…

The bouncer finally nodded her through, and soon she was enveloped by the warm haze and pounding bass of Glitz. Maybe two dozen people were on the dancefloor, jumping and swaying to a song Clara was fairly sure had come out this year, but not one she knew the name of. I’ll dance at the next one, she thought, or maybe wait until the others get here.

It seemed that almost the moment she found a seat at the bar, her phone pinged. Naomi and Ellen weren’t coming. Apparently some couple had been trying to book their wedding venue out from under them so they were resigned to staying in and shouting down a phone all evening.

That wasn’t good. Those two were the lynchpin of all group planning. It was always worth going out with Naomi and Ellen because there would always be a story the next day. This was because the drunker they got, the more they’d dare the other, and those dares usually involved even more drinking. Clara had even had to bail them out once after they got arrested for shagging on a pool table.

But without them, the group dynamic fell apart. Priya loved nothing more than when a plan got cancelled. For her it was an excuse to shrug her bra off and fall asleep in front of the tv. Clara herself only owned two bras, one good but itchy and the other comfy but old, but Priya could have five littered around the living room at any one time. She’d hidden them on one occasion to encourage future tidiness.

And Emerald, the last of the group, Clara didn’t know particularly well. She knew they kept up with Yugioh (somehow) and read PG Wodehouse, but they’d joined the group in Clara’s last term at uni and she’d had her nose too deep in books to get to know her in any great depth. No doubt they’d have put a lot of effort into some anime costume, but if it was just her and Emerald left, they wouldn’t come.

Okay Clara, it’s not too bad. Shake it off, get a cocktail in you. This night could still go well.

The two pings of doom arrived before she was even halfway through her pina colada. Two more cancellations. Urgh. This calls for a consolation drink. And make it a pint this time.

It wasn’t even nine yet and it felt like the night was over. Clara sighed audibly. Such a shame, she thought. It’s my first Halloween as an out bi woman. This should have been like gay Christmas! I had all this Sapphic energy built up inside me tonight and I’m going to waste it fingering myself in the bath reading Jane Austen again. I’m even wearing the bi flag underpants Ellen got me for my birthday!

She’d been considering the idea of a second pint for around five minutes when she got a tap at her shoulder.

“Velma!”

A jolt of electricity raced up Clara’s spine. She knew that voice, didn’t she?

She turned around in her stool just as the lights above the dancefloor shifted. The woman behind her was briefly illuminated from behind, her face a shadow, but her hair a fiery red halo. Putting a hand in front of her face for a second, Clara took in the rest of her body; a purple dress and go-go boots. Her brain rushed to piece it all together, arriving at the costume before the face.

“Daphne?” She replied, weakly.

As the lights shifted again, Clara was blessed with another view of this woman, who was somehow more dazzling out of the spotlight. She stood imposingly tall, her soft moon-like face looking kindly down on Clara. Taken altogether with her vibrant red hair, Clara felt like she was looking directly at a solar eclipse, and one she couldn’t look away from.

“Hi, I hope you don’t mind. My Shaggy’s gone off with my Scooby.” The woman smiled apologetically. “Thought I might go and make some new friends and well… the costume…”

Clara blinked. In fact she blinked rather a few times. She was still trying to process the fact that an angel had descended from heaven right in front of her.

“I beg your pardon?”

The redhead explained herself again. Clara made a note to focus on what she was saying, which, she justified, involved looking at this woman’s lips a lot.

“I did a group costume with these two guys. One was Shaggy, one was Scooby; we thought we’d come here for the night, have a few drinks, have a few laughs, but instead,” the next part of the sentence involved turning her head to shout pointedly “they’re GETTING OFF IN THE TOILETS!”

Clara let out a nervous giggle. It was a good cover for the big red wave of excitation that was coursing through her body. There was something about the way her Scottishness had just announced itself in her voice that made Clara’s thighs shudder. That woman could shout!

“Shaggy and Scooby-Doo?” Clara repeated. “The dog and the dog owner?”

“Exactly!” she bellowed. “Isn’t that mad?”

“That is so mad.” Clara nodded. Agree with everything this woman says, she thought. If she asks you to rob a bank, do it.

“And after only one drink as well!” She continued, exasperated, “They. Are. Terrible!”

“I guess that’s why they call him Shaggy?” It was a weak joke, Clara knew. And I fumbled the delivery. But frankly the fact that I managed a straight sentence around this woman is a miracle. Managing a straight anything was a challenge, to be honest.

And she laughed! She laughed at my dumb joke! I made that sound come out of her! That brogue-y Scottish cackle! Oh this is the best feeling in the world!

“I know! And that dog will do anything for a Scooby Snack!”

God, me too, thought Clara, as she unleashed a laugh a lot less cool than she hoped she would.

Ahem.

“Can I get you a drink?” Clara asked, thankful she still had any rational thoughts left.

“Ooh, yes. Rum and Coke, please.” She smiled. Such a lovely smile. “Do you have a name, or should I just call you Velma all evening?”

“Only if I can call you Daphne” Clara replied with a grin, signalling to the barman. This was a bit of damage control. It was suave and flirty, but she’d missed the window to introduce herself properly, or find out this charming redhead’s name.

“Oh, you want to play that game, do you?” Clara braced herself for the next word, as the redhead’s lips formed around it. “Velma.”

Beads of sweat started to form under her jumper. It was then that Clara realised where she’d heard that sexy Scottish brogue before…

The kissogram from Naomi and Ellen’s engagement!

Six months on and I’m just as flustered.

The drinks came and Clara positively snatched hers off the table. As long as her mouth was occupied with alcohol, she had more time to think. And as always, Clara, try and play it off as glamorous and mysterious.

The more strategic side of Clara’s brain spoke up; so you know who she is, but she doesn’t know who you are. What does that mean? You know what she does for a living – is that an okay thing to bring up? Does the fact that she hasn’t recognised me yet mean my costume is too good…

…or was that kiss unmemorable?

She chanced a look. The woman in the Daphne costume was nursing her rum and coke, but her eyes were still fixed on her over the rim of her glass.

Right. So what if she didn’t remember that kiss. It was half a year ago and in her line of work she couldn’t be expected to remember everyone she’d ever kissed. Clara could hardly do that herself. What it meant was that Clara could make another first impression. A confident, in-control one.

“Miss Blake.” She congratulated herself on remembering that scrap of Scooby Doo trivia.

“Is that Daphne’s last name?” The redhead half-giggled. “I’m sorry, I haven’t watched Scooby Doo since I was a wee bairn.”

Aha! The strategic part of her brain roared into force again. I know more about Scooby Doo than her! I can leverage this to my advantage… somehow! Strategy brain realised it should probably shut up for a bit, and that the reason it had been allowed to think so long without interruption was because the rest of her brain was once again cooing at the Scottish turn of phrase.

“So why Daphne, then?”

“It was a group costume with a bunch of friends, but there were a few no-shows, you know?”

Clara made a gesture to the four people who were definitely not standing next to her “I do know.”

“Between you and me, I’d have quite liked to come as Velma.”

The seriously unstrategic part of Clara’s brain practically roared: Come into the bathroom with me! We can swap clothes right now!

She continued. “besides, what other characters are there to dress up as, as a tall ginger woman?”

Jessica Rabbit, said Clara’s brain.

“Jessica Rabbit” said Clara.

Oh shit, said Clara’s brain.

“Naughty” she chided. “But I don’t think so. Not two years in a row, anyway.”

Oh shit, said Clara’s brain again, but with purpose (and without vocalisation). This is definitely flirting! This could go well! I haven’t made an embarrassing mess of myself!

Tonight, I’m going to rock her world.

“Would you like to take a seat?”

High on her own hubris, Clara hadn’t noticed the seats either side of her were taken. Um…

“I’d love to.”

Sirens blared in Clara’s head as ‘Daphne’ draped one arm over Clara’s back and slid both her indigo tight-clad legs over Clara’s until she was Sitting! In! Her! Lap!

“Oh, you don’t mind, do you?”

In a moment, all of Clara’s newfound confidence melted and words stuck in her throat. Clara worried for a moment maybe her nose was bleeding, or her entire lower body had turned to steam, or worse, that her damn traitor face might be giving Amy some reason to stop sitting on her.

“Oh, not at all.”

THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY!

“So…”

SOMETHING WITTY, FLIRTY AND MAYBE TO DO WITH HER COSTUME!

“Daphne…”

HERE WE GO! SHOOT YOUR SHOT!

“Would you like to get in the van with me?”

THE VAN???

“The van?”

“The um… the mystery machine.”

“Oh, the van from the show”

“Yes”

“So you want me to get in the Scooby Doo van with you?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a van?”

“No.”

“But you just invited me to your van.”

“Yes.”

Clara blinked a few times while her brain rebooted.

“It’s a metaphorical van.”

“And what exactly is it a metaphor for?”

“I don’t know.”

“Truly, this is one mysterious machine.”

“…Yes.”

A few mortifying seconds later, her strategic brain came back online. As did her non-strategic brain. They both made this noise: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

The Daphne impersonator slid her legs off Clara and stood crouched at eye-level.

“Look, can I propose something?” asked the redhead “Instead of you trying to entice me out of the club, into a dirty alley, and into the back of your metaphorical van, why don’t we just get a taxi back to my place?”

Clara fell off her seat.

“Oh my God, your little flustered face!” She belly laughed. “Oh we are going to have such a lot of fun tonight! Come on, Clara.”

Their hands touched as the redhead reached down to help her up. In all future memories of this moment, it seemed to Clara like she was in Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam. Any hints of the reality, that a wide-eyed, shakey-legged sex-addled Scooby Doo cosplayer was being picked off the floor of a bar, were quickly purged from her mind by a greater realisation.

“You know my name.”

“Of course I do. I don’t get to snog many girls in my line of work.” She winked “And I make a note of the cute ones. I’m Amy.”

Clara nearly fell to the floor again.

But Amy kept her on her feet, one arm pulling her whole body to her.

“How about we get you into that taxi, I let you calm down for a little bit, and then you and I can get to know each other, okay?”

A sigh of relief from Clara; this was going well at last!

“Okay.”

“And then after that we can make out a little and I’ll put my hands up your jumper, sound good?”

“Oh God yes.”

 END OF PART 1

#clara oswald #amy pond #clamy #amyxclara #claraxamy #femslash

[its-all-ineffable]

TUA 1x01 Review: ‘We Only See Each Other At Weddings & Funerals’

The opening scene got me hooked immediately! Kudos to the young girl at the pool, she’s absolutely brilliant at conveying a sweet, innocent romance and then the fear of suddenly and unexpectedly giving birth! The girl and guy are a very cute couple, and I kinda wanna know more about them. And the concern that the guy shows when the girl doesn’t surface immediately after she’s jumped in the pool is so sweet. Also, those women in the pool are hilarious! They all scream in horror when they see the girl start to give birth in the pool and the next scene they're crowded around her, patting her hair and holding her hand! I do feel sorry for the girl though - I personally headcannon that she’s Vanya’s mother. They’re in Russia, as we can tell because they’re all speaking Russian, and Vanya is a diminutive form of the Russian (among others) name Ivan. It’s just an idea, but I like it!

Pogo’s VO (though of course, we don’t know it’s Pogo at this time) is nice - he’s got the kind of soothing and authoritative voice that makes you feel like everything’s gonna be okay. Nice bit of exposition too! ‘HE GOT SEVEN OF THEM’ hahahahaha!! Love the overdramatic text on-screen! Also, ‘Picture Book’ by The Kinks fits so nicely in this scene, the lyrics are a beautiful juxtaposition for the ‘family’ that they become and all the actors manage to walk perfectly on the beat. The swinging arms from Reginald though - every inch the pompous idiot we love to hate already! Though the nannies have some pomp and swagger too. Imagine how weird it’d be to see the Monoply man walking down the street followed by 7 women in the same outfit with prams though? The small, ridiculous moments make the series!

The intro to the siblings is one of my favourite moments in the entire series! It’s beautifully acted and edited and the music is perfect. When we see Vanya for the first time, the blue lighting she’s framed adds a sense of melancholy too the scene, and perfectly sets her up as a lonely woman and an outsider. Ahh, Tom Hopper! And his butt scratching! Love Luther’s intro, Vanya still playing the slow, melancholy music, emphasising that he’s lonely too. Bless him. As we move to Diego, bass, guitar and drums join the violin, which I love, as it gives the music a more dangerous and frantic edge to showcase what sort of person Diego is. Also, what a badass rip-off Batman with a Robin mask! Go Diego! Then we have Allison, appearing in that frankly stunning dress! The violin gets a solo her, possibly to emphasise her fame? Love how gorgeous and stylish she is. Those paps get on my nerves though, the fucking assholes. The music switches again, to a more sombre violin melody for Klaus, indicating his BAG of trauma. The music changes are very cleverly done. Also, the “I believe in you! You, not so much.” - instantly my fave!! And his outfit is on point! And, I just noticed that when the clinic worker says “Stay sober.”, Klaus just shakes his head! 

Then we go back to a nice, slow violin solo, indicating loneliness. Poor Luther, stranded on the moon all alone. Though, he’s the only one that finds out about Reginald’s death directly?! The others all find out from the TV, or in Allison’s case, the paps! Who’s the favourite son?! Also, those paps? Twats! Insensitive twats! Ugh! Moving on - love the rock version of ‘The Music of the Night’ that starts playing when Klaus gets resuscitated! It works so well with the scene and his manic attitude. The way he high fives the paramedic makes me laugh every time though! I love Klaus, can you tell? A very solid introduction to Klaus’ character, to all of them in fact. The finish with Vanya’s sad sounding solo is a beautiful end to the scene. Also, when the lights go off and we have the establishing shot of the theatre, Vanya looks so small and alone. I just want to wrap her in a hug and tell her that everything will be okay. The way she says “Dad” as well, so soft and sad, gets me. Bless her tiny heart, she’s so cute! Ellen Page is such a brilliant actress, portraying sadness, loneliness and shyness at the same time. 

The way they show the passage of time through the photographs is really clever - a brilliant idea! The way we see 2 pictures, then suddenly one kid is missing and we get shown the solitary painting of Five, then we see 2 more pictures, after being shown Ben’s statute? Cleverly done, and deepens the mystery of the missing numbers! Moving on again - the house is a brilliant set and so well-designed. Mom’s intro, with her staring into nothing is weird, but we know right from the get go that this is weird. Another mystery! And the actress who plays Mom is so pretty! Just had to say that! Love her outfits too! 

The reunion - when everything starts to go to shit, though of course, we don’t know that yet. The way Allison is cloaked in shadow on the stairs as she comes towards Vanya - like she’s a threat? Very clever. Also, the tone that she says “You’re actually here” in, bitchy much? But, siblings I guess! I don’t know, I don’t have any. The hug is nice though, and Allison makes more of an effort to interact with Vanya than the rest of them. FUCK OFF DIEGO, with you’re “You don’t belong here!” Stop being an asshole to tiny, adorable Ellen Page! The beginning of my dislike for Number 2, I’m afraid. Sorry, Diego fans! Not happy with him atm! Allison sasses him though, go Allison! And the way she re-assures Vanya. Bless! 

Luther, WTF are you doing sneaking around? Hmm. Ah, and here comes the tense brotherly banter between #1 and #2. It’s pretty funny, but you can smell the rivalry a mile away! And Luther, just forget the monocle. Forget it! Jeez! Loving Diego’s sass though, very good at low blows isn’t he? And finally, the famous book - I’d read it! Looks interesting. I kinda want to know what she says in it, don’t you? And there’s Pogo! Is it bad that when I first watched this, I wasn’t even surprised to see a walking, talking monkey reach out to hug Vanya? Welp, I feel like that says something about me. I liked him straight away, he’s so kind to Vanya and his voice is very soothing. I don’t know okay, it just is?! 

The backstory isn’t exactly subtle, the whole “How long has it been since Five disappeared?”, but it works. The whole interaction between Vanya and Pogo, when they talk about Five, makes me so sad for Vanya. The way she said “I used to leave the lights on for him” tells me that they had a pretty close bond before Five up and left, even when I first watched the show. It just made me feel for Vanya’s character more, she’s so sweet and she clearly misses Five a whole lot. 

They all seem to wander round the house a lot, don’t they? Memories I suppose. The flashback scene here cemented my hatred for Reginald, it takes 2 seconds to say goodnight to your kids!! Fucking dick! Also, looking at the kids breaks my heart even more - Ben and Five are looking at Reginald all hopeful, Klaus clearly knows Reginald doesn’t give a shit, leaning against the doorframe with a ‘I don’t care’ expression on his face, Vanya hiding in the background, slightly separate from the rest of them. They break my heart. Great acting from the kids btw! And the way Ben looks back at Reginald, still hoping, and Luther guides him away - aww!

And back to the present - “Where’s the cash Dad?” Klaus!! XD The gigantic, adorable smile Klaus has when he sees Allison, and he immediately goes for a hug is so sweet! I get the feeling that Klaus genuinely cares about his siblings, but he masks a lot of his true feelings. That could be interesting to explore in a fic. The hug is very tense though - Allison recoils from him and awkwardly pats his back - as if she’s too good for him? Clearly not sure how to feel about him. Klaus in this scene is great, and was already my favourite at this point when I first watched. Though Allison does snort at his jokes, so perhaps they were close once? I want more Allison and Klaus interaction is Season 2! They could be an amazing duo! 

And then Luther ruins the moment, with his “Get out of his chair.” Jeez, Luther, lighten up? Also, this is the first time you’ve seen them in years and that’s your opening line? Way to go big boy. I do love Robbie in that cropped shirt though, and the coat is awesome! Allison, I see you laughing at Klaus! I see you! Also - how the hell did that box fit in his trousers?! XD I’ll leave you be Luther, ‘cause you’re taking the piss out of Diego and it’s funny. Though I’m slightly uncomfortable. Allison & Luther stare at each other with so much longing, and I just...ugh! Also, I know this whole Patrick & Claire situation is supposed to make us feel sympathy for Allison, but immediately saying “shit” when you hear that he got custody, like - don’t judge? It could be a good thing? Don’t assume that Allison didn’t do anything wrong. Sorry, just, the bias. And so begins my dislike of Luther!

The tense silence in the sitting room. Family’s, am I right? Also, Klaus steals every scene he’s in, especially in that skirt! “And here we go,” Preach Diego! Here comes the family dysfunction. Also, how does no one laugh at Klaus? Can you imagine how many bloopers there must be? C’mon Netflix, give me! The family dysfunction is strong, though. “Sober up.” - it’s not that fucking simple Luther! There’s a long hard road to sobriety, even after withdrawals, so just shut up and leave Klaus the fuck alone, yeah? You are part of the problem, the reason why Klaus is the way he is. Just...can you tell I dislike Luther a bit? 

And here’s Diego, who I also dislike, but at least he actually addresses Klaus like he’s a PERSON! So, I like him slightly more. And Luther totally suspects Diego of killing their father. None of the other siblings, just Diego. You can see it in his face. “I’m just gonna go an murder mom” I love Klaus so much! XD And the way they all file out while Luther stands there like an idiot...

The whole flashback scene, to the bank, is AMAZING, all the kids are great and its a great way of showcasing all their powers (bar Klaus’) and what they had to experience. Also, we get some Five and Ben content! Yay! Five’s sass immediately endeared me too him. Poor Ben “C’mon Ben”, Jeez Luther, do you ever stop being an ass?! And there’s Kenny’s mom, running out the bank! Poor Ben again, he clearly hates his power and using it. And being covered in all that blood. Also, can we talk about Klaus leaning on Five when they get outside?! And Five lets him?! I want more Klaus and Five in Season 2 as well, pretty please? And then here comes Reginald, telling Vanya she’s not special. Great parenting strategy asshat! Also, “six children”, GET FUCKED REGGIE! That reporter made me laugh though, the “Are you concerned about the welfare of the children?” one. Nope, no he is not. Take them away from him please! 

Those posters, in the hallway outside the bedrooms, fuck, they’re disturbing! G is for gouge? Fuck me. And here we are, the ‘A+L’ locket. Slightly weirded out by it. Also, love the symbolism of the siblings being scattered throughout the house all in different rooms. Shows how fractured they are at the moment. 

AND NEED I SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE MASTERPIECE THAT IS THE DANCE SCENE?!

“Daddy?” Klaus, I can’t even...XD What was with the fire extinguisher as well? Darling, I love you, but really? “Yeah, get behind us!” cough*toxic masculinity*cough! Now is not the time to try and be the alpha male Diego. Also, Klaus seems to have the most common sense - “I vote for running!” - yep, great idea! Common sense, folks, from the super high medium! Five’s entrance is pretty great though, but I’ll just say this - if it was my sibling that I hadn’t seen for 17 years? I’d be hugging him so tight, regardless whether he likes touch or not. Just saying. I like how we have Five falling right back into the family as if he were never gone, as if him being 13 isn’t a big deal, the banter is great. I also like how he doesn’t look at his siblings at all, and then he looks up for the first time since being inside, and it’s to compliment Klaus. Such a small yet sweet moment in the series. Underappreciated, I feel. Five doesn't seem like the type to give compliments often. The “Well you would if you were smarter”!XD 2nd favourite sibling, here we come! This whole kitchen scene was a great setup for the sibling dynamics. 

The elusive Ben is finally mentioned again. Creepy statue though. I love the fact that they all have big black umbrellas, and then there’s Klaus, with his little plastic one with pink trim! Diego again with the impeccable comedic timing “He was a monster”. And Mom is adorable, I love her so much. Here we go with Luther & Diego again, I guess. “Who’s the alpha male? I’m the alpha male!” Jeez. AGAIN? You 2 ever even tried being nice to each other? The fight scene is pretty cool though, the choreography is really well done. I love how we see them act more like a family here too, Vanya pulling Mom back and Klaus shoving Five out the way. Adorable! Allison’s got some deadpan! Like it. Diego, why are you such a dick? Especially to Vanya? She was trying, is trying, and you just...I’m so done with you and Luther. And y’all just gonna leave Klaus out there alone? Nice. Predication...

This training scene, reinforcing how AMAZING Reginald Hargreeves is as a parent! The tattoo scene too. Poor tiny little Klaus and Allison huddled together, and Ben, Luther and Five looking so scared/nervous. The way Vanya is left out - again - and draws her own tat. These poor abused kids guys! I just wanna hug ‘em all! Also, watching your kids sleep? Not creepy at all! And back from the flashback, Vanya leaving because she keeps being treated like crap. You know in nature programmes, when the baby animals bully the runt of the litter out? Yep. Loving the way Pogo is looking out for her though, clearly he cares about her a lot. Better Dad than Reggie! And no one notices she’s gone, that’s nice.

Love the entire kitchen interaction between Five, Klaus, Diego and Allison. Family banter again! Oh wait, they did notice Vanya left, they just didn’t care? Brilliant. Great family. Also, does Diego always need to be such a prick to his sisters? Asshole. Though I like the way he treats Klaus - he lets him hitch a ride despite knowing that he could leave without him, and listens to him more than the others do. Though you can see David trying not to laugh at Rob’s ‘hippo’ line in the scene. God, he seems like so much fun! 

The scene at Griddy’s is just, simply awesome. Love Agnes, she’s so sweet. Five’s fake smile has me in hysterics every time though! The tow truck driver is very nice, buying for a ‘weird kid’ he doesn’t know. The fight scene, again, is perfect, and the juxtaposition of the upbeat tune “Istanbul Not Constantinople” in the background, just...chef’s kiss! Poor Five didn’t get his coffee though. The quest for Five to have a decent cup of coffee begins! Aidan is a phenomenal actor too, absolutely brilliant! Love the tightening of his tie as he walks away, the cocky little shit!XD Poor Agnes.

The intro to Ben is funny, and cleverly placed so that it doesn’t feel forced, it just fits with the story of the episode. Also, Diego’s a dramatic bitch. But he cares about Klaus. So, we’ll see, I guess. A nice little interaction between 2 brother (3, sorry Ben!) that love each other. Nice to have a moment of the siblings being, ‘normal’, for want of a better word. Vanya and Five interaction, yay! “Rapists can cimb” - Five, no!XD Funny, but...Anyway, I like the relationship between these two. The way he comes to her and trusts her the most and lets her touch him and clean his wound. I love it. The flashback to Five hurts, because he really was just a kid then and I feel so maternal about that...I’m not the only one, right? Aidan’s phenomenal acting again. I love the cliff hanger of the world ending in 8 days. Got me hooked. Also, Van’s response is perfect - “I’ll put on a pot of coffee.” I love you Vanya! XD

Alright, I know it was long, but it’s over now. Thanks for reading all of it, if you did. I don’t know when I’ll get around to the 2nd episode, but hopefully it’ll be soon. Hope you all enjoyed my ramblings! x

#tua #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy review #tua episode 1 #review/rant thing #hope you enjoy!

[raygothops]

Summer

I feel like I have nowhere to go but here right now. God, consider this a prayer in writing. Or a conversation. I ask for too much, I should just talk to you more often. I don't really know what to say or do. I don't know what my next step should be. Who should I reach out to for this hug that I've really been needing for about a month now? Who can I tell about my self convictions, my concerns, my consent worries, my pressures? What should I do this coming year? Who should I be? How can I make an impact? How can I best prepare for the rest of my life? Did I really make a mistake in my relationship? Do I really suck at listening to you? I don't know if I played myself going into this year. Did I need to be an RA? Can I please get a second chance at Kulaqua? I just want to be my best self and better the lives of those around me. Is this book really something special or just a footnote in my life? What is my life God? Am I this high potential person that will be actualized or am I a bust waiting to happen? Am I following what you want for me? Will things ever truly stabilize for Mom and I?

Instead of asking things, I'm asking questions lol. I guess it makes sense, I am interested in the 5 Ws of life as well as how. I should maybe just speak my mind now. Joanna has made me feel like I simultaneously want and don't want her and I have no idea how to reconcile that. Maybe she really should just be off my romantic radar for now because I don't see us reconciling in any mature way for a significant amount of time. Is that it? Lani is now my little sister and so is Ale, both beautiful girls that I have a different sort of inclination towards. Maybe there's just the year to wait for, Gabi is cute, but so are many other girls. I guess we'll be good friends, I like her vibe. I just need to approach more people, say more, think less, and just be. I guess my social network was already massive and growing, I might as well take better ownership of what happens to it. I don't know what is with Sara, and girls that look like her. I just love intense looks out mysterious looks. I hope we can be good friends and I really hope I get to find out what her background and stuff is. I hope to find someone like Zeke described, it just sounds right. I hope it is right, and I hope I can get off of this promise to try it out. I know I have power, I'm trying to use it, but while knowing I have a bunch of power, I concurrently feel that I didn't have as much as I'd like to have. I'm sure I have what I need, but I want more. I am human, and I did fault myself even, but I believe I could handle more power. I want it for others, God you know this. I do have my self-concerned moments but when it comes to people that don't have it good, I wanna fix things for them.

Faith. Mine is not good. I'm not able to move a speck of dirt, let alone a mountain. I believe, but I need to act more. I even do what I should do more than average (comparison shouldn't even matter) but I need to push myself more. I am pushing more. You have given me this motivation that must've been in my younger self where I don't want to stop until I'm done. You have also supremely improved my initiative. I want to be a monster, to life and to the devil. I want to be special and I'm tired of running from it or trying to downplay it. I love being different and I want to say myself apart more and more. Let me different. Please keep me healthy too as I try to grow myself. Let this fire never die. I want to reach the heights I was aiming for as a kid.

Friends. Let me love better. I really need to love strangers better. Let me regain my love for eye contact. I want to see people again and in the Divine light. I think the relationship might've dampened that. Cleanse my heart of any perversions and damages and misguidance and please bring me back to where I should be. I want to go to Nikki's tomorrow with someone. I hope that can happen. Help me to be better with those who aren't my special people, though I'm not sure how good things can be if they're not in that special group. Let me be the extrovert I know that I am, I am unleashing but I need my voice (and the r's would be nice - to be fair, I didn't promise I wouldn't ask for anything). My grasp of our situation back home is that this summer won't be smooth. Just work things out in a way I can follow. You're already on that though so that's not too necessary to say I guess.

Abigail is beautiful, Jedel is a sweetheart and Bianca has a draw that I can't really deny. Jedel has blue eyes. I really need to get an answer to that, and where she's from too cause I really don't know how to trace any of her names. Bianca makes me a little nervous in a sense, where I'm sure she's just nice, but I kinda want to just say her hair looks nice or something. She's almost that business type that normally deters me but she's not, she's different, or she at least seems so. I believe so, she just seems different, which I kinda like. She's good. Sara was surprised by my hypothetical trip to Texas. I'm breaking every personal rule in writing this and somehow it seems right. Why can't I look away from her? I can't help but just look into her. There's something there that I don't need a relationship for, but I think would be really great to have. Jeongyeong is a sweetheart and I really love the Korean squad after this class. Ellen, I think she either likes me or thinks I don't like her. She's interesting and her last name sounds like Corvette.

Paragraph 5. You know this is typed for me to have gone this long. School will be school. I'll leave the girls alone. Except for Laura, why can't I just have her everywhere? Language but my gosh that girl is adorable. I'm still not sure what my obsession is with little sisters. I just know a daughter of mine would be well taken care of. Sports. I just wanna dunk. Maybe 5 minute mile as an ultimate goal. I wonder what my peak athletic potential is. We'll keep working towards that after tonight. I am a mix of my experience, which is so cool. I just wish there weren't so many people to move on from in my life. God, will I ever get Sutton back? Those are 5 seconds of my life I want to build on. It was too good to be true. Will I need a Sofia connection to find the one? I guess it's hard for a 21 year old college senior to avoid girls lol. But those last two are both purely friendship material. Beautiful yes but pure hearts are why I love them.

So we have been talking for about 45 minutes now. This must've been the right idea cause now my mind is a lot less cluttered. Let Kendall not die please. God, please let Cali figure out something to not be a perceived burden to others. And help her and everyone honestly. I'm broke, I could cry, I want a hug. Maybe this fiber one bar was a bad idea, but I knew what I was doing. I pretty much always do, I just rationalize too much. Sometimes, I just take Ls. Am I really supposed to be a neurosurgeon, cause social justice seems like it will be me real soon. No idea how to call this whole LGBT topic. I think I see the light but I lost my glasses so there's that 😒 thank you for dream music. I hope to get decent at the bass. It just strikes a chord in me. I'm not really trying right now, I just got two back to back setups too good to pass on like the Seahawks. With that, I don't know. Bianca? Sweetheart, significant obviously. Ah they're both Bianca, on top of reef Bianca. Didn't I like a girl in New York named Bianca? Might be the name. Life is weird. But no one is normal, only aspects of us are typical, but even the most typical person would be weird in being so typical. That might make a nice tweet. My mind is still clearing up. What else?

I want to finish this sequel and these watchlists area so hard to get through. I think I can though. Just gotta use the time right. Maybe I'll ask Bianca for the hug. I think she's no strings attached so it should be cool. Even so, she seems understanding where she would understand. Or maybe Alma if we can hang out. I can't hug Cali and it's awkward, as much of a tomboy as she is. Something is off between us in a way. I guess it might be my senses. I need to go to sleep soon. I guess I can't let anyone know about this though only God and I know everyone mentioned. Here's to a better me and better tomorrow. I'm done with making this thing difficult. I want to be home and see what is to be seen. I want to finish this thing so I can read old posts. I guess I am a writer. Makes sense giving what my book ended up being. I need to get rid of um and like. I need more God. I need the simple life. I need close friends. I need to go to sleep. Thank you Tumblr, I appreciate you.