#napoleon: GOODBYE everyone my boyfriend HATES ME

[spartanswiftie]

✨Meet Me In The Afterglow✨

Taylor,

Your music has always been important to me for a number of reasons, but the biggest thing it has helped me through is the death of an ex boyfriend. Although we were not together at the time of his passing, my relationship with him was a defining event in my life and his passing changed my life forever. Chris passed away suddenly in a car accident on Christmas Eve, 2006. Our relationship had been on and off for about 3 years and was dysfunctional for lack of better terms. When it was good, it was great. When it was bad it was awful. To this day I believe he may have been bipolar. He would be the sweetest guy, calling me at 5:30am on his way to work to leave me a message saying good morning and he hoped I had a good day. He’d make romantic dinners, he was a great cook..buy me sweet gifts, and we would have the BEST times together. He was my FIRST Valentine. At 25 years old he was the first legitimate Valentine I’d ever had. After reading your journals I know you know the feeling of being single on Valentines Day. It meant so much to me.

But, he had a dark side. Without warning he would completely ghost me overnight. When he disappeared he disappeared from EVERYONE. His friends would come to me asking where he was. He would isolate himself from everyone for weeks, sometimes months at a time before re-appearing out of nowhere. When he did re-surface he would be profusely apologetic and I did love him so eventually I’d cave and go back to him. Over time I accepted his pattern of behavior and became more expectant of it but it didn’t hurt less when it happened.

My friends and family grew to HATE him because of this. I couldn’t talk to anyone about him, and eventually I’d have to lie to everyone when I would hang out with him. I knew the writing was on the wall but I didn’t want to give up on him. I thought I could change him, but you know how that story goes.

Sometime in 2005 we broke up and cut ties for awhile. Like clockwork we ran into each other around Thanksgiving that year and stayed in touch. His dad had just had a double lung transplant and I knew how much that meant to his family at the time. We kept in touch. On Valentines Day 2006 we were both single so we decided to hang out together. Of course I lied to everyone I knew about where I was going that night. He made me dinner, we drank wine and talked about our past relationship and what had gone wrong, why it didn’t work. We laughed a lot, played with his dog, cuddled on the couch and watched Napoleon Dynamite together. When I left he kissed me goodbye and that was our last kiss. That night was our closure. I thank God every day that I made the decision to spend that night with him.

Just before he passed I went through a crappy breakup and I debated calling him. I even told my mom about our Valentines date and that I was thinking about reaching out. We both agreed that it probably wasn’t best and I decided not to.

When he passed my entire world shattered. As I said my friends and family HATED him. Nobody understood my grief because they all thought he treated me terribly. I used the word hate because I had a few of my BEST FRIENDS at the time call me (this is not an exaggeration) LAUGHING saying “Did you hear what happened to Chris? Karma’s a bitch.” Needless to say that was the LAST time I spoke with them. I mourned his death and the loss of 90% of my friendships. I started over. I made new friends, surrounded myself with new people and in the WORST time of my life it was the best thing that ever happened at the same time. I know you can relate to this.

Your career was just starting when he passed. He has a younger sister who I’ve kept in touch with (as well as his parents) and she is also a Swiftie. In that sense you’ve given me common ground to stay connected with his family and I could never thank you enough for that. That aside, SO MANY of your songs have helped me process his loss and the emotions around it in hindsight. The first time I heard Last Kiss I sobbed. That song is #1 when I am feeling sad and need to re-connect with him in my memory. There are so many others; basically the entire Red album - particularly All Too Well, Treacherous, I Almost Do, Sad Beautiful Tragic and Red. Enchanted always makes me think of him and when you played it acoustic at MetLife and I was there I about died!

It’s crazy to think that someone you don’t even know can write a song that can take you to such a deep personal space and help you process things that nobody else can, and that’s why I love music so much. You did it again on this album, and in such a beautiful, fitting way.

When I first heard Afterglow I loved it. I thought first of a relationship I had in high school (my first love) where I ended up trying to preserve a friendship but in the end broke his heart. Then the song did a handstand. I bought a new car recently, and ever since the night of Chris’s viewing I’ve kept the prayer card tucked in the mirror of my visor in my car. Every time I get a new car I transfer it. I’d done the same on July 31, the day I bought my car. The other day I took it out for a moment and I sobbed. The title on the card is AFTERGLOW. I immediately turned the song on and got goosebumps. It’s as if he is speaking to me from heaven through the song. The lyrics are spot on and perfectly describe what our relationship dynamic was from his point of view. I’ve never been more convicted about the power of music as I am in this moment.

Roughly 13 YEARS, I repeat 13 YEARS later you release a song on an album named LOVER with the title AFTERGLOW that PERFECTLY emulates our relationship and the apology he more or less gave me 13 years ago with the chorus line “Meet me in the Afterglow”. Goosebumps for days.

THANK YOU TAYLOR for being the most incredible singer/songwriter on the planet and for creating these masterpiece songs that have helped me through the darkest days of my life. The best part is that the album ends with Daylight, the only song of yours that perfectly describes my relationship with my husband. I’ve said a million times, if it weren’t for my relationship with Chris and his passing I would not have been “ready” to meet my husband. Going through all of that changed me and taught me so much and ultimately led me to him. And if there was any question in my mind, God wiped them away (and I say this because I believe he had a hand in all of this). On my wedding day, Chris’s dad reached out to me on Facebook and congratulated me and wished me all the best in my marriage. I can’t help but feel like Afterglow is in a way a little check-in, sign of approval, call it what you want...a letting go of sorts. Either way, this has all allowed me to step into the Daylight...and let it go. I’m at peace, mostly because of your music. I could never thank you enough💗

@taylorswift @taylornation

#taylor swift #taylurking #taylornation #swiftieparentsquad #lover #afterglow