girl at home | mat barzal | part 1
pairing: mat barzal x fem!reader
summary: you're eighteen when you find yourself pregnant after Mat leaves for hockey. nearly eight years later, Mat finds out about your daughter and you have to deal with the consequences of not telling him about her.
warnings: mentions of pregnancy & not really edited
word count: 1.3k
authors note p1: don't mind me starting a new series when i have four other wips on the go :):) i love kid fics and this idea was stuck in my head so i wrote & decided to give it a go and post it. if this does well and you guys are interested, i'll do more.
authors note p2: so notes about the series: i gave the readers daughter a name because i hate writing y/d/n lol of course you can change it in your head to something else if you want :) also the last name johnson is just there so i could have a full name but we all know she'll be a barzal also thank u @multifandombabes for giving me the push to post this!!
happy reading & let me know what you guys think!
masterpost
In hindsight, you should have realized that it was bound to happen sooner rather than later. You did your best to avoid places you knew he would be when he was home, going to visit your grandparents or other family. Anywhere that would give you the opportunity to not be seen by him, because then you’d have to explain your brown haired, green eyed, seven year old.
You weren’t proud of your choice to keep Nora a secret from Mat but you did what you thought was right when you were eighteen, sitting on the floor of your best friend’s bathroom four weeks after you had said goodbye to Mat and staring at three positive pregnancy tests. He had just left for hockey and you didn’t want to be what held him back and as time went on, it got harder to pick up the phone so a few months after Nora was born, you erased Mathew Barzal from your life. You deleted the photos, phone numbers, social media, with the only reminder being the little girl.
And it worked fine. Until now.
Nora usually didn’t come grocery shopping with you because you always ended up taking three times as long as you normally would. Except, your sitter fell through and your mom couldn’t watch her so you had to bring her along. Which is totally fine until you run into Mat. Who has a girl with him.
So yeah, everything was fine until now.
It’s kind of comical the way his panicked eyes dart between the three of the girls standing around him. A quick glance at Nora confirms that she’s two seconds away from saying something to Mat which will not go well since the kid has zero filter.
“Hey, you’re that hockey player mama and grandpa watch on TV!” she exclaims and you want to melt straight through the floor when Mat looks at you with one eyebrow raised.
“Yeah?” he asks, kneeling down so he’s at her level.
“Yeah,” she confirms, and then loudly whispers: “I’m not supposed to watch ‘cause some games are past my bedtime but sometimes I’ll sneak out.”
He offers his hand and smiles. “Well, it’s nice to meet you…” he trails off, clearly hoping she’ll offer her name. You hope she just says her first name instead of announcing her full name which she tends to do lately.
“Nora,” she tells him, shaking his hand and then to your unsurprised horror, she proudly tells him her full name. “Nora Nadia Johnson.”
He keeps the smile on his face but stiffens and gently drops her hand.
“Cool name,” he says, still smiling but you can see the tension in his shoulders.
“Thanks! My first name means light and my middle name-”
She doesn’t get a chance to finish her sentence because you grab her hand, abandon your shopping cart and high tail it out of the store. She grumbles while trying to keep up with your pace and eventually you just pick her up and carry her to the car.
“What did we say about talking to strangers?” you ask while buckling her seatbelt, ignoring her annoyed sighs.
“He wasn’t a stranger, you watch him on the TV all the time.”
“Have you ever met him?” you ask, raising an eyebrow and she mumbles something under her breath.
“What was that?”
“No,” she mumbles, crossing her arms over her chest and giving you a look that is so Mathew that you could laugh.
“Well then, he’s a stranger.”
You leave it at that because she starts talking about the summer camp she’s starting next week. You’re only half listening, trying to get over the shock of seeing Mat and knowing he realizes that he probably has a kid you never told him about. If you were in his shoes, you would be angry so you are expecting him to show up on your doorstep later that evening but he doesn’t. Part of you wonders if the reason he doesn’t come is because of that girl he had with him but you figure if he really wanted answers, he would come regardless.
What you’re not expecting, is a text from his sister Liana. You still see his family from time to time out in public but after you essentially ghosted Mat, they didn’t really want anything to do with you. When everybody found out you were pregnant, you lied and said it wasn’t Mat’s which nobody really believed but they couldn’t prove it and you’d used your mothers maiden name as Nora’s last name so there were no ties. You were surprised that his family didn’t tell him anyways, but you thought that perhaps they didn’t for the same reason you didn’t.
To give Mat no reason to stay here and instead, pursue his dreams and go play in the NHL.
So a text from his sister is unexpected.
Liana: hey, are you free for lunch tmw?
You almost delete it at first and pretend she never messaged you, but you know that there’s no going back now that Mat saw Nora. He’s not stupid. He probably went home and asked his parents about her. So you text her back a reluctant yes and agree on a spot to meet up the next day.
Nora goes to your moms house because you’re unsure if it will just be Liana who shows up, or if anyone else does. You meet up at a Starbucks and aside from the initial tension, it melts almost immediately and the two of you go back to the big sister/little sister relationship you had when you and Mat were dating. Except now, she’s all grown up.
After some catching up, the conversation turns to the reason she asked to see you. She hesitates, picking at her nails - a nervous tick you know she does - before sighing.
“Look, everybody kind of turned their head with ‘The Nora Situation’ because it was clearly what you wanted, and it was probably what was best for Mat,” she says. “But he knows now, and he’s got questions that we can’t and won’t answer. Dad had to talk him down last night and his girlfriend went back to New York this morning.”
You wince at that, not liking that the reason his girlfriend left is because of Nora but Liana must notice because she shrugs, taking a sip of her drink.
“Honestly, she wasn’t very nice. I’m not broken up over it and Mat didn’t seem to be either.”
Okay, that is interesting.
“Anyway,” she continues, “this is Mat’s new number.” She slides a small piece of paper across the table and you gingerly take it. “I know you didn’t want to tell him, and I understand but he knows. So give him a chance, okay?”
You manage a nod and let her leave with the final word. All you want to do is take Nora and leave, to get as far away as you can but something inside you stops you from doing it because maybe Liana is right, and you should give Mat a choice. After all, you were the one who decided to take it away from him in the beginning.
So later that night, after Nora is asleep, you curl up on your couch with the piece of paper and stare at it for a good fifteen minutes. Regardless of whether or not you text him, you will have to deal with this and you’d rather it be on your terms. You reluctantly type his new number in your phone and hesitate, trying to think of what to even say. This isn’t a conversation you were expecting to have with him. You type and delete a dozen messages before deciding on something simple.
To Mathew: Hey, I guess we should talk.
You take a deep breath, and hit send.
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Hey I got question how do you feel about asexual representions in comics? Both Marvel and DC. Do you think they did it well?
Yes and no.
Connor Hawke and Gwenpool had beautiful stories that touched on experiences unique to asexual people, both taking different approaches to the unique loneliness and dehumanization that comes with being asexual in a society that prioritizes sex above all else, as well as the desire to be loved and accepted in different ways. Connor's was a bit more upbeat about it but Gwen's pain does have another side to it so the hurt came with a reward.
Both stories had all ace teams and it shows, both were beautifully done and Conner has been appearing in Green Arrow ever since.
But that leads to the other issue. Gwen has had one other pride story* and it's looking like Marvel's not doing a full Pride anthology this year so I don't think she's getting another. Nadia van Dyne came out (on twitter and the fans called her ace so hard that marvel put her) in the Pride anthology last year and hasn't appeared since. Tremor said she was asexual in 2012 and has barely appeared since. There's a couple more X-men who were in a story I didn't read not long ago but they went into the background where all X-men teens go eventually, never to be heard from again.
And then there's Yelena. Arguably the first. I argue that she is the first but it was the 90s so the rep was as bad as everything else in the 90s, it rubs some other people the wrong way and they don't think she should count because it wasn't handled well and the writer throwing us under the bus to appease MCU shippers hasn't helped. What matters in this moment though is nobody's done anything with it since. She hasn't appeared in a Pride anthology. She's been in stories and not addressed it. She's a whole blank space and likely will be until the MCU crashes.
So there's potential. There's been beauty in the last couple years, I can say they have done well before. But we need more. It sill kind of feels like we're an afterthought in the grand scheme of things.
*As a point of clarity I don't mean to snub the effort of the writers on this pride story, I haven't read it yet so I can't say much. Couldn't afford the anthology last year and keep forgetting to go back to it.
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In response
((OOC
i checked this blog today to make sure it hadnt been deleted and saw a few things in the inbox. i want to clear up a couple of things. if this is the last post to ever hit this blog, so be it, but heres the endcase:
no, i decided not to make the end comic. i wrote this story nine years ago with someone i loved very much. it sort of became a net for my feelings about my loss and addiction. it was messy and weird and put a lot of my perspectives on display. ive been clean for two years now and i think its okay not to tie up this story with a neat end. like stan and kyle, i graduated and i got older and i have a career. thats all it would have been. i would have tried to ascribe some deeper meaning to making a dumb thing in high school, and i would have tried really hard to make it feel like the way things were back then were okay. i dont really feel like revisiting it. comics are hard. it took me a very long time to write and create something that can be read in maybe an afternoon. maybe you just had to be there. by following stan and kyle for as long as it took, you followed me and my coming to grips with being a person. really, this was just longform vent art about whatever dumb bullshit occurs to a high school junior. but i know it helped some people and entertained some other people so, i will be leaving it up. i just dont think ill ever slap a neat bow on it. my story wont have a neat end and neither will stan and kyles.
no, i wont end the craig blog either. i havent logged into that one in a while and i think if tumblr wants to wash it away thats okay. it was a way for me to reclaim some control over a narrative and maybe explore some deeper feelings (surprise, my birth father Also went missing, who knew) but it ultimately didnt amount to much. whatever happened to craig is up to you. my interpretation wasnt liked much anyway, and to have an askblog, you need people to be curious about the premise. i didnt connect as much with it and the frustration associated with running a project like that outweighed whatever i got out of it. i still dont know what that was.
anyway. i moved onto writing dnd campaigns and i am still alive. i still make art sometimes. i still get anxious when i see the inbox notifs, but these days, 9 times out of 10 its spam. i hope you guys all liked the south park post-pandemic aged up specials. i didnt, but im nitpicky and kind of bitter about the idea altogether. i havent seen an active askblog since 2017 but hey. be nice to people who make things. if you feel so inclined, maybe go make something for yourself. id like to thank the people who were curious and had fun here. id like to thank sekrit, neggy, rachel, five, ozzy and nadia. id like to thank everyone who let me tell my story. its just not over yet.
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@potahun tagged me! Thank you! Sorry I took so long to answer!
3 Ships You Like: These days I'm deep into Lupin/Jigen still, I'm screaming for every Lenore/Annabel Lee interaction in the Nevermore comics, and reading the Silmarillion reminded me of how hard I used to ship Morgoth/Sauron.
First Ship Ever: Before I knew what shipping was, Han/Leia or maybe Nemo/Electra from Fushigi no Umi no Nadia. But I discovered shipping with Shinji/Kaworu from Evangelion.
Last Song You Heard: Carla Bruni's version of At last the secret is out
Favourite Childhood Book: When I was tiny, I had deep love for the Brer Rabbit series. Later I had obsessions on Les métamorphoses de Corenton, Espy and the catnappers, La troisième guerre mondiale n'aura pas lieu.
Currently Reading: I am finishing the Guardian novel by Priest, reading the complete collection of poems by Christina Rossetti, reading The Confidential agent by Graham Greene, rereading the Hobbit, and also a historical bande dessinée about Alexandre Dumas' father.
Currently watching: Season 3 of Leverage, Birdie Wing, and trying to still advance in the Lupin III franchise.
Currently consuming: This reminded me to drink water.
Currently craving: Inspiration for the fic I'm trying to write (I'm answering memes instead)
Tagging: @outofshame, @peachfolk, @trinitrine, @transsexualhamlet, @vampirenaomi
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One Giant Leap by Thao Lam. Owlkids, 2024. 9781771475990. https://www.powells.com/book/-9781771475990?partnerid=34778&p_bt
A space adventure inspired by that feeling you might remember from when you were a kid when you were so dressed up for winter you felt like an astronaut. Lam's paper illustrations always astound me, and this book reminded me of long-forgotten snowstorms.
Slug in Love by Rachel Bright, illustrated by Nadia Shireen. Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers, 2021. 9781665900461. https://www.powells.com/book/-9781665900461?partnerid=34778&p_bt
Doug is a friendly slug who needs a hug, but no one is interested. Then he meets a snail named Gail. (Spoiler: things don't work out, then they do.) I've had a bad week, and this was exactly what I needed to read this morning.
You Broke It! by Liana Finck. Rise x Penguin Workshop, 2024. 9780593660409. https://www.powells.com/book/-9780593660409?partnerid=34778&p_bt
This is a fun collection of what are essentially one-panel comics featuring problematic parents yelling at their kids. From her bio at the back of the dust jacket: "[Finck] is thrilled by the opportunity to use her adult privilege to validate children everywhere in this, her first children's book!" Buy it for the adult in your life who needs a quick laugh at themselves and for the kids who know they're right at least some of the time.
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