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am-i-the-asshole-official · 4 months

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AITA for not holding my gf's hand in public? Tw for homophobia and violence

My gf and I are both cis women, and we live in the southern us. The city where we live is kind of progressive, but generally this whole state is like fascist and scary for a couple of lesbians on their own. Before anyone says anything about it, moving is not an option. If I had the money to move I'd have the money to ask a therapist this question. I ain't got it fam lol

So anyway we're safe in our neighborhood and among our friends and immediate families (parents/siblings). I'm a very affectionate person. I love my gf and I show that love by touch. All the time. Just not in public.

I will not give her any PDA in public. It is my one line in the sand.

When I was younger and dating my first ever gf two girls about our age in a town not far from me were shot by a homophobe while they were on a date. One girl died. I've never forgotten it. It's been a decade and I still think about it. I think about how young they were and I think about the girl who lived, having to go on knowing that she'd lost someone she cared about so senselessly. I've never been publicly affectionate in any of my relationships because of this.

I explained this to my gf pretty early on. I think being visibly queer in public is brave and admirable and I wish I had that courage, but I don't. I love my gf. Her life is more important to me than making a statement and I told her so.

I struggle with anxiety and my gf knows this, and she knows that I often try to fight my anxiety by doing things that scare me. I get anxious in crowds so if I have to go to the store I'll go first thing in the morning as soon as it opens, but every now and then I'll make myself go in the afternoon just to prove I can, that kinda thing. My gf supports me and tries to help me when I decide to do this.

So when we go out, she does occasionally try to be affectionate with me. To kiss me in the car in the parking lot or hold my hand when she thinks no one is looking. I said the thing about how I try to manage my anxiety to emphasize that I don't think she's ignoring my boundary; I think she's trying to help me be brave, which is something I've expressed to her that I want to do. I don't feel like she's pressuring me when she does this. It's just that because I'm so anxious I'm more vigilant than she is, and often when she thinks no one can see us they can, and I tell her so.

When I tell her no it hurts her feelings. She's never said that explicitly but I know her well and I know when she's hurt or disappointed. She doesn't want to blame me for it but when I turn her down it looks like I'm ashamed of her, even though she knows the reason why. And I feel like an asshole for telling her no, because I do love her and I do want to kiss her and I do wish I was brave enough to do that without worrying. It hurts me to tell her no but I can't ignore the reason why I do. It causes me stress when this happens but I also don't want to tell her to stop because part of me likes that she wants to try. It makes me feel wanted. I don't want that to go away but I hate telling her no and I feel stuck.

So AITA for not touching her in public?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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acefaun · 8 months

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Why were you upset? If you don't mind me asking

(｡ŏ﹏ŏ) that'd mostly be because of a guy friend that I dated for about 8ish years... See? I'm still angsty about it. 😞 I can't even say boyfriend. (And the stress made my chronic illness flare up so I'm suffering for having feelings)

So, I'll just extend this since this is basically just a long vent because bottling it up is probably what's destroying my soul right now. 😵‍💫

I haven't spoken to guy friend in about a week because he said "Well talk about it later." And my anxiety said "Then we won't talk about it at all." So my anxiety suddenly decided everyone is getting the silent treatment, and I'll ignore the world and play Genshin until I'm okay with being social again.

And I mean, guy friend is nice, but the whole issue is that he wants to start a family and I don't(for a small list of reasons.) But everytime a child triggers my anxiety(because suddenly all my friends are pregnant/have kids), I make a light comment "wow, I could never manage one of those." And then a conversation opens about how "not all children are the same" or "you don't have to give birth, there are other options" or "don't worry, we'd be great parents" and etcetera etcetera...

And my concerns feel neglected?? I can't even take care of myself, and guy wants me to take care of mini-human????? I'm not getting coerced into having a family until I'm genuinely ready to have a family. Which I'm not. And I might not ever be, which shouldn't be a problem because that'd be my personal choice.

And everytime I'm getting overwhelmed with it he goes "Don't worry, we'll talk about it later." It could just be my anxiety making it look worse than it actually is... 🥺 But it's like... why we can't address my feelings while feelings are happening?? And I feel like it happens every time the topic is brought up. I'm making valid points as to how I don't want/can't be a parent, and suddenly it's "we'll talk about it later." And. When's later? 🧐 My anxiety isn't later, my anxiety is now. And I'll continue to overthink every little thing until my feelings are validated and acknowledged.

If you're not made to be a parent, you're not made to be a parent; I'm oddly an adult and I know what I can and can't handle at this point! If he wants a family so bad, he can go make one with someone who's ready and able.

So for the past week I feel like I've been mentally preparing myself for an inevitable breakup. Like. A real one. A "you're not my soulmate because our paths are diverging" kind of breakup. And so I'm screaming in distress on the inside.

Aaaaanyway, that's why I made the Lesbian comment the other day. I'm too asexual for these stereotypical white men. This is what my harem is comprised solely of men for. They don't get the same privileges as a queen, a beautiful goddess. 💖 This is off topic from why I'm upset, but the thought makes me feel better. That's why I love my Tumblr wifeys. 🥰

🫠This is my internal stress that I can’t share with my family because my dad already slanders the lgbtq community and I can’t handle a disappointed face at this time.

Sorry for my sad word vomit; My feelings are sensitive and I cried when it started raining this morning Becuase it reminded me of my dragon husband "Hydro dragon, hydro dragon, don't cry!" Because it rains when the hydro dragon cries! 🥺 That means Neuvillette is SAD right now! I'll never see rain the same again!

#my asks

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