#my other ex who was bipolar is an ass

[crmsnmth]

Hello

I guess I wasn't clear enough on the third version, so here's Version 4 Introductions are stupid. Hi. My name is Chris. I'm 35. I live in a small-town of about 2000 people in the center of the state of Wisconsin. It is not even close to as glamorous as it sounds. I've lived in quite a few other places though, but I guess it's true that we always go home. I work as a kitchen manager/EC. I've been working in the kitchen on and off for most of my working life. My first job was a cashier at a certain fast food pizza place that makes rectangle pizzas. That aren't good, but the breadsticks always kicked ass.

I am a massive music fan (it's playing right now) and when I tell you I listen to all music, believe me when I say all music. My main daily playlist is always growing and includes everything from iwrestledabearonce to Katy Perry (listen to her unplugged album. Kissed a Girl as a jazz type thing is beautiful) to Atmosphere to Miley Cyrus to Alan Jackson to Dying Fetus. My favorite band is Descendents with Amigo The Devil and Frank Turner coming very very close to that coveted spot. I am a major horror fan, and I don't think I own a single t-shirt that isn't somehow horror related. I'm a sucker for the 80's slashers. I've seen every Friday the 13th movie enough times that if you ever watch them with me, I will annoy you by quoting the lines throughout the whole movie. I am Bipolar. Type 1. I am a raging cynic.

I am an addict in (long-term) recovery. I am sober. I write more than any sane person does, but I never once claimed to be sane. I write because if I don't, my head will explode. You can think this a metaphor all you want.

I do not write for anyone's approval, not even my own. I do this because it's a safe form of release that it's ok to be addicted to. If you have constructive criticism, I'll gladly take it because let's face it, I'm pretty bad at this whole thing. If you're just going to tell me I suck, in however many words, well, I don't need you to tell me that. Dick. I don't follow any rules or guidelines in what I write. So I call it lawless poetry even though half of it doesn't even fit poetry. Most of it is stream of conciseness built around a line or phrase I came up with during the day. I do this every single night. It's my ritual before bed. I journal (which is also posted in a blog) and then I work on my phrases and lines. I've been called garbage at this, but to those who can't give me a reason (other then you don't like it)if you can't back up your reason for being an art critic, your opinion means jack to me. Besides, anyone who claims to be an art critic is a narcissistic jackass. Art is subjective. Not just "I don't like it." Tell me why you don't like it. Tell me it's repetitive. I need to stop. Or I'll rant and moan about why I hate armchair critics for way too long.

So what will you find on my tiny drop in the ocean of the internet? You will see bad poetry, and an awful lot of it to be honest. You'll find random drops of fiction or a story I happen to be working on and want some form of opinion on it. I post at least once a day, but can post up to ten or fifteen times a day. And most of it is just your average mundane sad boy bad poetry. And if you see how much I do post, think of how much stuff I have laying around that never gets touched. I have boxes of notebooks, napkins and matchbooks with lines I thought we're clever.

So since I write so much, what the hell is it exactly that I write about. That's easy. The Girl With Ocean Blue Eyes*, Kid*,The Broken Mirror Girl*, My Junkie Angel*, California Love*, An Ex Band-Mate, love, lost lovers, hopelessness, isolation, drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, forgotten acquaintances, mental illnesses, rage, hate, rejection, joy, insignificant moments, slices of life, laughter, beauty, self and self-reflection, self-hate, art, other writers, panic, infatuations, obsession, therapy, group homes, rehab, jail, grace, nature, loss, hope, fear, grief, anguish, philosophy, anarchism, nihilism, religion, god, the devil, ugliness, politics, serial killers, cults, suicide, death, destruction, chaos, music, validation, closure, memory, enemies, friends, rock bottom, sex, violence, rock and roll, sin, self-exploration, bipolar disorder, schizoaffecive disorder, pain, self-destruction much more.

Consider this line right here your trigger warning. Please see above to see my chosen subjects, and it should be clear that I will write something that can bring up some feelings. I make music as well for another creative outlet. No, I don't churn out songs like I do the written word, but I love my music and if you would like to tell me how much I suck at it here's the links:

https://www.reverbnation.com/crmsnmth

If I come off as extremely depressed in my work, please know that I am fine. I'm good. Ok? Ok.

There, now you know the barest of my bare bones. You want to know anything else, just ask. I'm always happy for the fifteen second interaction. And I always try to interact with those who interact with me, but I am not one to talk first. If you follow me, know that I will most likely follow you back. Unless your space is empty, a bot, porn.

*Not their real names.

#writing #introduction #introductory post #blog intro #intro post #pinned post #pinned intro #introduction post #hello #hi #my writing #about myself

[psychoticallytrans]

This is gonna be a weird question, and im sorry in advance if i dont word it the best. is it possible to only have temporary psychosis, or, i guess, episodic psychosis? im bipolar (type 2, i *think*, my psychiatrist isnt one for divvying the two up tbqh and im not either) and back when i wasnt medicated, during 2021ish, i had what was most likely a psychotic depression episode (and have probably had more before, but my memory is really bad). i didnt get that diagnosed; i told my school counsellor about how i was feeling and she just kinda went "thats... a little out of my paygrade" sdfghjk. now that im medicated i dont have those kinds of episodes anymore, but, well--my symptoms have gotten worse lately, likely due to stress (i am a trans man, easily clockable as trans, living in florida, plus i've had life stuff going on) and i suppose im just wondering if you have any advice for trying to catch an episode before i'm near the end of it. sorry if this is technically easily-google-able, but i'll be honest, i dont trust random articles more than i trust people with the conditions they're talking about, given how stigmatized a lot of mental illnesses are. thank you for your time !! have a good day !!

No, it's not weird at all! It's certainly not easy to google, if you want accurate information. I'm glad you felt comfortable coming here to ask. Psychosis is a symptom. Specifically, it's a response to stress. Some disorders, like bipolar, make you more prone to it than average, lowering the amount of stress that needs to be applied for you to experience psychosis. For some people, the bar is zero stress applied for them to experience psychosis. For most people, the bar is pretty high, requiring major stress sustained over days for them to experience it- and when the stress is removed, they are no longer psychotic. In other words, the vast majority of people's psychosis is temporary!

It sounds like that for you, the amount of stress required is lower than most, and you're looking out for how to manage an episode. That's a great question to be asking, and I'm glad you're taking care of and looking out for yourself.

The first thing is to think back to your first episode, and think about what symptoms you experienced. Were there hallucinations? Delusions? What were they about, and how did they feel? Identifying what you experienced can help you figure out if you have an episode coming up. For me, the first thing is always hearing things that aren't there, like footsteps. Figuring out what your first thing is can help a lot. Next, think about what might help you figure out what is and isn't real. For visual hallucinations, a lot of people use their phones to check by looking through the camera app. For auditory ones, earplugs and recording then playing back sound are both common ones. For hallucinated smells, most people use nose plugs, but I use essential oils because they work better for me. I cannot smell anything past them, so anything that doesn't smell like the oil ain't real. For taste, I hear a lot of people use an ice cube on the tongue, but I don't have those. Anyone who does, please chime in! For tactile ones, usually touching the spot yourself will help.

Delusions are more complicated, especially when you're in the middle of them. The strategy that works best for me is basically examining my thoughts. First, I figure out if it's rational or not by applying logic. Why am I thinking this? Does it have a good reason behind it? Next, is this thought going to harm me or other people? If not, I leave it alone. You can choose to examine your benign delusions if you like, I just choose not to.

If it is (a common one that falls into this category for me is paranoia about leaving my home when I need groceries), I essentially start laying out an argument against myself, using my past experiences and research to resist the irrational thought (ex. going to the store is safe, even if it wasn't I can kick most people's asses, and if I can't do that I can scream loud enough to alert anyone within about a quarter mile, and even if something crap happens to me, I'm trained in First Aid and regularly update my training.). This can be difficult, and sometimes fails for me.

I also noted that you specifically had psychotic depression. this ca make things harder, because it's hard to do things when you're depressed. I recommend prepping for the possibility of an episode. Find ways to make your life easier. A list of self-accommodations you may find helpful:

Get some meals you can microwave. Make sure your meds are right next to something you can take them with. Try to keep enough clean laundry around that you won't have to do laundry during the episode. Disposable dishes and utensils are another great accommodation. Have a big trash bin you can pile trash into, and a misc box or hamper so that you can shove shit in it that you don't have the energy to put away, so you still have a floor to walk on safely.

The episode will be over, eventually, and you'll need to take care of whatever happened during it, but the better you take care of yourself during it, the faster it will be over.

If anyone else has advice, please feel free to add on!

[shae-la-hyene]

My heart aches for Charlie Swan. That guy did not deserve the shit he's been through.

He married his dream pixie girl but turned out she was too manic for his small calm town and left him for more sunny thrilling places, taking his daughter with her. He sees her for the summer, sometimes, when her mother doesn't run out of money for plane tickets or he manages to save enough to pay for it from his small town sheriff's salary. So not nearly often enough to efficiently bond with her and parent her but, you know, he makes it work. As a teen she can't be bothered to come anymore, and stays with her bipolar ass mother who takes her on trips all over the country. He's too boring. Until said bipolar ass mother leaves her behind for a three years long honeymoon with her way less boring new husband, and sends her to him and his rainy small town, and to try to fix what was never quite a father-daughter relationship.

So she comes in. She's in high school and teenagers are hard especially when you don't know them well and you're afraid she's gonna get abandonement issues from her crazy selfish mother, but she doesn't seem to care, and she's pretty apathetic at his attempt to talk or bond. She is so depressed and he wishes he had the chance to be there before it got this bad. He kinda hopes his boring small town is going to give her stability and grounding and she can start to heal.

At first the bored teens in her school are interested by her because she's new and she doesn't struggle to make friends with the normal, well behaved teenagers who are not going to get her into trouble and will look after her and it's great ! It's a relief !

But then she starts hanging with the strange kid that makes him so uncomfortable, and by extension his cult like family of weird ass outcasts that creep you out. You don't like it but you're trying to respect her choices. She's a straight A student and smart and she probably knows better than to get into trouble like that. You hope. But one night she's super late and you start to really worry but again you try really hard not to push her and be overbearing but you're starting to wonder if you should instate more strict rules, if it's your duty as a parent and all. And when she comes back she's yelling at her boyfriend, like he did something awful and god did he hurt her ?!? She is packing her bag and wtf is she leaving ? You try to stop her because she's 18 and he can't let her leave this is so not okay he won't let her be homeless over a break up ! But you also realize she's legally an adult and you can't really do anything so you watch her leave and you're so in over your head and you ask yourself what you did wrong and you wonder what you ever did right and you want to cry. Within three days, you get a call that she's in the hospital, she fell down stairs and she has broken bones and shattered glass wounds and of course her mother didn't even answer the phone when they called her, and you're so terrified. You go there and when you see her, the weird ass (ex-) boyfriend is sleeping on her bedside and you beg her not to do this to him again. She agrees but you're never quite sure she means it.

Things are better after that. She's still dating the creep, and she's really really intense about it, and his cult is totally grooming her so he urges her to keep seeing her other, normal friends and not get completely brainwashed by the cult but she's stubborn and there isn't much you can do. You're pretty sure they're sleeping together and you hope her mother gave her The Talk but maybe you should ?

And then, couple of days after her birthday that she was actually a little excited for, for once, Creepy Boyfriend straight up leaves her and disappear and after a whole night of calling everyone you know to search for her, you find her in the woods, laying down unresponsive, probably been there for hours. You put two and two together and Creepy Boyfriend broke up with her. And it's better than their last break up because she's not in an hospital bed in Arizona but only barely. Because she's so depressed she's catatonic and she doesn't speak, she barely eats and won't interact with anyone anymore unless prompted and you're so terrified again. And of course as usual your ex wife is spectacularly useless and absent.

You finally get her to go out and be with friends again and she starts hanging out with your best friend's son and you are so relieved. He has a crush on her and she has a crazy edge to her but at that point anything is better than apathy. A couple of times she comes back with scratches and wounds but you know it's not the kid, he wouldn't hurt her, and she looks happier so you let it slide.

And then your best friend dies and you're devastated, your whole world falls appart. But your daughter is not here. You are not sure where she is, but it's not with you at the funeral of your best friend. And then guess what. She disappears for days again, taking a plane to fucking italy out of nowhere and without saying anything to him. When you see Jacob, who just buried his father, you see him upset that she left without a care for him and like come on. She was making so much progress. Somehow you string together that she went there to be with Creepy Boyfriend and this is so wrong.

She comes back and guess what, they're back together and as intense and toxic as ever and you're at lost at what to do so you start strict rules about how much time she's allowed to spend with him but you're pretty sure he's sneaking into her room at night and you start to think it'd be easier to just kill the guy to spare your daughter's pain. You so want to help but to hell if you know how by then. You encourage her to spend time with Jacob instead of CB but even him starts to act fishy and you're so out of your depth and what did you do to deserve this ? Somehow they get engaged and this is the end of what you're allowed to say or do about her life and you lost her. When you give her away at her wedding you know you're really giving her away, because she's getting into the cult and you may never see her again, but you'll never see her the same again anyhow. You try to support her and be happy for her. Her mother shows up and she's more manic than ever and so excited for her daughter's wedding that she doesn't notice how bad the situation is, and it's not like she ever listened to you. Your daughter does go away for her long honeymoon and man she got married at 19 right after graduation and at least you got her to finish high school but you realize she'll never go to college or get a job to be independant she'll stay in the cult because they're rich and all. This is really bad but there is nothing you can do, apparently. When she comes back from the honeymoon she refuses to let her see her or contact her at all for months and this is so bad the brainwashing has definitely started taking hold and you just want to cry. You try to get Jacob to get her out of it, he's her friend she might listen to him. And then it turns out Jacob is a fucking werewolf and you're so not paid enough for this. He starts insinuating Bella is like him and what the fucking fuck he would have known if he raised a werewolf. But when you do see her after that she looks so different and hard and cold and she had a fucking creepy baby on her hip that is definitely CB's baby. How long has she been pregnant when they got married ?? And you must have failed at parenting so bad because she's 19, married into a cult and already a mother and she hangs out with werewolves on top of it all.

And just. You're a good person. You thought you were a good parent, before. You did not deserve this.

#twilight #twilight renaissance

[livingfictionsystem]

So, my adhd/autistic freind has a grandmother with NPD who was extremely abusive towards her family, but i’m worried about my friends ableism towards other people with npd. she’s not met very many but she’s under the very common impression that everyone with npd is an abuser and an asshole, and idk if should get involved because her family was so hurt by someone with npd, but at the same time i’m worried about the way she’d behave if she met another person with npd in the future. do you have any advice?

Oooof.

Sparrow here. I'm sorry about your friend's family, sounds like some real generational trauma going on there.

Anecdotal storytime, sorry if this is rambly.

I did, a couple years ago, have a pretty big grudge against Borderline folks. My most recent abuser, Rowan, had borderline. We were on a pedestal, yknow, until we weren't. Same with my cohost's ex, AJ. A shitty ex-metamor of mine has BPD. I was straight up sick of pwBPD.

I know a lot about psychology but even I had this unfair anecdotal stereotype of someone locking themselves in the bathroom and hating you/needing you until you were stressed enough to give them what they wanted.

I knew *I* had some kinda serious disorder and was looking into bipolar when the highly ironic suggestion of Borderline hit me right in the face. And I mean I was TEXTBOOK, still am. I was in denial for a WHILE. The last thing I wanted was to see any reflection of my abuser in me. And people around me didn't really disparage NPD because they already had Xanthe's glittery, spotlight-hogging, self-aggrandizing self and thought they were p cool, but even people I was close with would take jabs at Bordies and I'd laugh along with them. I kept doing intense research just to prove it wrong in me and ended up proving it more and more right.

Then finally, I saw some positive examples. One of my besties in the outerworld has Borderline. Bojack Horseman, of all things, really helped me accept it in myself. I joined some online support groups. I see how loving we are, how creative, how most of us make fun of our own mood swings and our sui-ideation. How protective we are, how our impulsivity ends up with some really cool experiences and connections.

Now I've accepted it. But it would've been a lot harder of a road if I didn't have positive examples. And yknow Borderline is p much a half sibling to Narcissism.

Xanthe and Jasper were my great examples of NPD. Their hyper-independence, how that manipulative side can be used to talk friends out of spirals or abusive relationships, how they make sure everyone who benefits them has some sort of give-and-take even if they have to pull strings to do it, the intense insecurity and self-loathing under the arrogant facade. And omg are they masters at social chess, which is awesome when my tactless ass is floundering in turmoil and people wanna cancel me by proxy.

It's really only gonna be positive rep that does it for some people. Maybe your friend has a fave character that actually fits the NPD profile. (Alastor from Hazbin gives me NPD vibes p hard tbh.) Tons of creatives have it, like literally being self-absorbed is part of being famous lol. If you've got good examples to work with, it becomes a Lot easier.

Even better if you've got someone willing to poke fun at their disorder and educate. I can also always drop more NPD stories/memes/resources for you to have in your arsenal. And even just educating about other traumagenic disorders like BPD and DID and stuff may help other disorders by proxy, the same logic does apply.

But your friend may never accept it. And that would suck. But people want to blame a set of stereotypes rather than the casual cruelty of the universe. It's up to you whether that becomes a topic that you two just can't talk about or if it ends a friendship tbh.

But yeah sorry for the ramble, I hoped the more raw experience might help the perspective. Lmk if you have any specific scenarios or anything!

-Sparrow 🧷

#narcissistic personality disorder #npd #borderline personality disorder #bpd #stigma #cluster b #ask #psychology nerd to the rescue #anon

[soifde-vivre]

It’s out

I have posted my short story the first part is finished

--------------------------------------------------

Third person pov:

There was a crowd of students surrounding the two boys fighting aggressively until one of them suddenly screamed, as the campus bad boy just broke the boy's nose. The said bad boy got up as the other boy was holding onto his nose for dear life. He scoffed as he grabbed the boy's collar. " If I see you near Jeon, again. Next time, it wouldn't just be a broken nose." The bad boy whispered into his ear as he dropped the latter. Who immediately got up and pushed through the crowd to get the hell out of there.

After the fight was over, he told everyone to fuck off, as he harshly pushed past the crowd.

Taehyung is the type of student who skips classes, yells at teachers and smokes on school campus. Also notorious for getting into fights and his playboy nature. You might imagine him as some black leather jacket wearing, tattooed tough guy but in reality he wears pastel leather jackets, tucking in his shirts in his ripped jeans with fish nets under them and wears pink Band-Aids on his face with custom drawings on it. Still, he can beat up your ass despite his cute appearance. As we have seen from the fight which occurred earlier.

He was planning on skipping class like usual, while he was walking towards the roof , he felt a strong gaze on his back. He turned around to see Jungkook, they both made eye contact for a minute until Jungkook turned around and walked away. Taehyung didn't think much of it and continued to walk the other way.

The cafeteria at lunch was buzzing with gossip. How it was strange , Tae got into a fight with one of his flings, Michael. Apparently, Michael told everyone that Taehyung told him to stay away from Jeon. The students were gossiping, making rumors and shit about the whole deal. Meanwhile, Jungkook on the other hand was just trying to eat his lunch in peace.

"Jungkook, JUNGKOOK!" Jimin shouted.

" Why are you screaming. You're sitting right next to me". Jungkook said annoyed. " I've been screaming this whole time trying to get your attention but seem to listening to anything  but what I just said". Jimin huffed. " I guess, I'm a bit distracted." Jungkook tried to reason. " I don't wanna hear your lame excuses. By the way, what the hell did Taehyung mean by stay away from Jeon.  Are you two suddenly close or-"Jimin was interrupted.

" Why would Taehyung tell Michael , his fucking ex to stay away from me. And also me and him close ,that's so funny I forgot to laugh. And even if he did, how the hell am I supposed to know why Kim said that, huh." Jungkook said ,there was clear annoyance in his voice.

Jungkook got up, done with this discussion on Taehyung .As he went towards the washroom, to cool down. But instead some random boy, bumped into him and didn't even apologize. That triggered him so much, so he grabbed the boy by the collar and dragged him back into the washroom. The boy was frantically apologizing realizing who had bumped into. Jungkook didn't care at this point was too angry to think straight. He kicked one of the bathroom stalls open, grabbed the boy's hair and dunked his face into the toilet. And held onto his head to keep it shoved in, as the boy tried desperately to free himself.

He pulled it out after a while, as the boy started to cry. And dunked it back in.

Jeon Jungkook also known as the rudest and one of the richest students on campus. He came from a rich background and was a relatively good student except for  the fact that he was a complete asshole. He would pick on anyone, and wouldn't get into as much fights as Taehyung but would occasionally be in a fight. Still people stirred clear from him though, just being around Jeon Jungkook would be trouble enough knowing his bipolar behavior towards people.

Though everyone in school wondered one thing.

What was the relationship between Taehyung and Jungkook , the students you would try to avoid at all costs.

Weirdly, they never talk or have fought the other. So of course ,it was definitely strange when Taehyung threatened his ex Michael to stay away from Jungkook. Even, if they were to be in the same room or make eye contact with the other ,there would be no words exchanged.

Michael was seriously injured and when his parents found out about this, they went ballistic like any parent would if they heard their child had his nose broken by some student for no reason. The news soon was heard by the principal as Taehyung was sent to his office.

Taehyung was actually on campus for once when he heard the announcement. He groaned as he walked towards the principal's office, he opened the door and heard.

" Taehyung, how many times have I told to knock before entering my office like that" The principal said tired as he sighed. " I know, sorry. Now can I go" Taehyung said leaning against the door." First get inside, and sit down." The principal said getting annoyed. Taehyung walked in and pulled up a chair and slouched on it. " Can you at least not dress like a fag on campus, this is a college not some gay strip club" " Well, you should be happy I don't dress like a slut." Taehyung argued.

"Well, isn't it great to hear that my son broke one of my student's nose. Taehyung, you need to prioritize why you even go here. I was this close to expelling you but we both know why I can't" The principal was interrupted by Taehyung" you can't expel your own son, cause if people hear it could be bad reputation for the school, I know dad. You told me this so many times."

" It's not just that, Michael told his parent's you were harassing him for breaking up for him, how low can you be Taehyung. You should be lucky his parents haven't sued you"

" I wasn't harassing him, that asshole was threatening to beat up Jungkook. So I beat him up"

" Like Jeon can't take care of himself"

" I wasn't thinking straight, okay"

"Clearly, I am seriously thinking of expelling you at this point, the parents want to see some kind of punishment. Don't you ever think before you do something, always getting into trouble like some gangster. Imagine what your mother would think, if she knew her son was gonna turn into some fag-"

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DRAG MOM INTO THIS, I'M SICK OF HEARING THE SAME SHIT FROM YOU. WE BOTH KNOW WHY I AM LIKE THIS BUT IT'S YOU WHO NEEDS TO GET YOUR PRITOTIES STRAIGHT" Taehyung yelled as he got up.

"Taehyung sit down, this discussion is not over." Mr. Kim said sternly.

Taehyung just stormed off and not willing to hear anything more.

Jungkook was sick of constantly hearing Taehyung this and Taehyung that. God, people still haven't moved on from the incident and it's frustrating as fuck. He just wanted to get away, and just breathe without someone mentioning Taehyung. As Jungkook was walking around, he noticed the wired gate leading to the roof was open. The roof seemed like the best place to be at the moment.

Though, as he reached the roof, he saw raven haired boy smoking while leaning against the railings. Jungkook was going to go down when he heard soft sobs, and he could see the boy's face perfectly it was Taehyung and he was crying. Jungkook would have just left, he wanted to leave but he couldn't instead he found himself walking towards Taehyung. Taehyung noticed Jungkook and just turned his face away.

" Hey, are you okay." Jungkook asked.

" Do I look okay, and what the hell are you doing here Jeon. Leave me the fuck alone." Taehyung shouted as he turned and made eye contact with Jungkook.

#bts fftaekookffboyxboy

[jehovahhthickness]

I messaged you yesterday about my ex not being consistent with texting/calling and telling me he doesn't want to deal with anyone at all.My friend told me I was wrong for texting him letting him know how I feel knowing he's bipolar etc.But how am I wrong,Hov??If that man and I have talked about the changes we needed to make in the relationship for each other/to make our relationship better but he won't stay consistent?I text him and told him I'm tired of the inconsistency,barely texting/calling,always acting so busy with work when he works at a gas station so there's not much to do anyways.Not trying to play him but let's be real.I work in healthcare and work wild hours but always went out of my way for him and to top it off he didn't get me anything for Valentine's not even a phone call, just a text the morning of.All of the bipolar and depressed stuff can't be used as an excuse ALL the time then my mom has cancer and he don't even check in but I was there when his was sick and he got the nerve to break his neck to take care of his family member animals,crying because the animals sick.Bitch please.Play with me one time and yo funky ass can go.I don't give a fuck.

So just because you’re bipolar, people who are in a relationship with you aren’t allowed to call you out on how you make them feel? Like what?

You did nothing wrong.

[laure69]

The beginning

TW: Hi I don’t recommend reading this if you are sensitive to the following topics: Dysfunctional eating, Depression/Bipolar depression, abusive, assault, and self-harm

Btw I posted this because if anyone has gone through any of these your not alone :).

July 26, 2022

       Hi, so this was a journal about my depression, anxiety, and whatever else you can imagine. I don’t intend on sharing this however, one day I just might. This is just a little thing for me to write and help get out of my system. But basically, depression for me was just this little brick that was weighing down my shoulders, making me unable to do basic things ex; showering, brushing my teeth, getting out of bed, etc. Thankfully, it didn’t get as bad as were I didn’t shower for days or didn’t brush my teeth for days. It was an occasional thing. Yes, there were worse parts to it but we will get into that later. Depression changed me as a person plus, I had anxiety on my ass making me have little thoughts in my head and they certainly weren’t positive. But again, we will get into that later.

When I got depressed I felt nothing, your heart feels empty as if it was a void you feel nothing at all. Being happy is impossible unless something really good happens. Then, I met my friends who made me feel so happy I can’t even describe it. They made me feel good. But the depression was still there. I felt nothing, my friends were just like bandages but it wasn’t the medicine that cured my depression. When I got home I had an emotionally/verbally abusive stepdad he was like a bomb you didn’t know when he was going to explode. I was on high alert the whole time, he said awful things to me sometimes, he did things that I was uncomfortable with, he would hug me without my consent, he was very touchy, he made comments about my body, and one time he touched my ass and grabbed my wrist so I couldn’t let go  (I was 12-14 at the time practically a child) it’s hard for me to write about this and I’m almost 16. I found escape through my friends and spirituality. I’m glad my mom left him because I don't know what else would've happened if she stayed with him.

Even now I have flashbacks of the things he said and did, I would say he was one of the main reasons I am mentally ill. However there are other reasons for that too, one time he and my mom were scolding me about my grades, and they told me “I’m useless, worthless, a disappointment’’, and that affected me. That's when I grabbed a razor blade and I cut my skin with it. It made the emotional pain go away, and in a way, it felt good. That’s when I first started self-harming no one and I'm not planning on telling people at all about this. I stopped for a month, then it was my arm next, I don’t even remember what happened that well and why I did that, I think my brain blocked it out of my memory. Sometimes I felt like I was crazy, that I was alone, that I didn’t deserve anyone, that I’m useless, worthless, etc. One of the main reasons I still self-harm now. I can’t stop it’s like an addiction, I barely do it. In fact, I haven’t done it in a month which is good but honestly, I don’t know how long I am going to last. 

My first panic attack was one of the scariest things I have experienced, I haven’t had one in a really long time. I’m scared that it’s going to happen again. I still remember being on my bed sitting criss-cross and hyperventilating. I thought I was going to die. I hated it.  Thankfully, I had my best friend to help me. Thanks to them, I'm alive. I wouldn’t be here without them. Back to the panic attacks, I was basically yelled at by my stepdad. I don't even remember what he said to me but it definitely wasn’t good. Later on, well still, I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I'm not going to say I have an eating disorder because I’m not diagnosed. Some days I barely eat and some other days I eat normally. It’s never healthy. I lost a shit ton of weight which made me develop a better figure, but some days I still feel useless and unworthy, and I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing but sleep. Which I have done before but, thanks to my meds I feel better and more motivated (which is the majority of the days). Thankfully I’m better now but I’m not done telling the stories.

August 2, 2022

Hi, so it’s been a few days since I wrote this but basically, we left off where I was talking about how my first panic attack went down which from what we know was one of the worst things I went through. A year or two before my first panic attack was one of the first times I self-harmed. Some people don’t understand why people self-harm, which is understandable. Why put more pain on yourself when you're already going through so much pain? The emotional pain can’t be compared to the physical pain you're going through. The reason I self-harmed/ sometimes still do (haven’t in a while) the physical pain is a distraction from the emotional pain. While yes it might sound stupid that you're putting more pain on yourself but the physical pain is a distraction or a coping mechanism from the emotional pain. 

  August 3, 2022

Back when I first self-harmed, I used the things you used to shave, which was scraping my skin off with a razor if that’s what it’s called. I don't want to place blame on anyone but, I got called worthless and a disappointment mind you, I was like 12. That seriously fucks someone up. When I was in middle school I started getting depressed I think the main reason was that I started to see how my ex-stepdad was and how much of a fucked up person he is. My grades went down, I was antisocial, I binged, started eating a lot, feeling tired, starting to self-harm, etc. My mom didn’t see anything wrong with me till I turned 14. That's when she started to see a pattern of how bad I got. 

When I gained a lot of weight (like 30 pounds) I was eating unhealthy and not working. The heaviest I got was 180 pounds which in reality isn’t that bad but, for me, that’s a lot. When I got up to 180 pounds I was very insecure. I hated showing my arms or wearing tight clothing. Now I am the complete opposite of course. I'm still very insecure but in that insecurity, I have a bunch of confidence. Most of the time, the confidence outshines insecurity. Yes, I have my days where I am most insecure but I managed to get out of that dark hole. The story of how I lost most of my weight is kind of a movie honestly. I went to this teenage party when I was like 13 and I saw a bunch of skinny girls just walking and dancing and I was that kid in the corner sitting there awkwardly I felt so out of place. I was like “No I’m going to lose weight” and I did. I lost 40 pounds in a healthy way. Then later since, I got used to not eating that much, I started obsessing about my weight and barely ate or ate one meal a day. I managed to lose 10 pounds. I don’t recommend anyone lose weight in a bad way, do it in a healthy way. Right now I am slowly improving. I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder so I am not going to say I have one. 

What caused me to lose weight the unhealthy way? My family ever since I was little liked to make comments about my body, either I was too thin, flat, thick, or flat like bro pick a side I can’t be all of those things at once. When I was like 8 or 9 my grandma monitored what I ate or if I ate food that was slightly unhealthy she would comment for example, “You're going to get too fat and ugly” like miss, I”m 8/9 like come on a kid should not be hearing this. They would comment on little things and most of the time they weren’t the best. Families are supposed to bring each other up not down. This made me really insecure and it still affects me to this day. When I was losing weight they would comment on how I was getting flat and losing all of my curves. Soo, that made me gain another insecurity and I’m still insecure to this day. 

Furthermore, I would like to talk about my anxiety (btw I am diagnosed)  and how it affected me, and how it still affects me to this day. It doesn’t affect me that bad but, it’s really stupid basically, it affects me in the smallest way. If anything happens like I get slightly bad news I automatically think of the worst thing that could happen, I often feel fatigue I don’t know if it’s because of depression or anxiety but I did my research and I think it’s anxiety it’s not medically diagnosed so I’m not going to say for sure it is. I sometimes think someone is mad at me for no reason or for the smallest things. Plus, if I do think someone is mad at me I overthink a lot. 

Lastly, I want to talk about my bipolar depression and this is diagnosed. It's very hectic and sadly it can’t be cured however there’s certain medication that helps reduce the symptoms of bipolar depression.  The funny thing is one of my friends told me you might have bipolar depression and I was like “Nah, I’m fine”, girl you are not fine. My symptoms included me being impulsive I did dumb shit I would not be saying what I did for certain reasons. I had days where I felt really happy for no reason and I was really hyper dancing, jumping around, laughing over the dumbest shit and etc. Then, I had days where I was so tired I couldn’t even get out of bed and function ex: shower, do my hair, change outfits, etc. Thankfully for me, it didn’t get as bad and I was able to sort off manage it without medication. 

#mental abuse #mentally exhausted #mentally ill #parental abuse

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Well I'm seeing him tomorrow, exchanging the rest of our stuff. I don't know how I'm going to feel when he's there. I told him I'm fine, that I've accepted the breakup. I've been distracted with someone new. I wonder what I'll feel tomorrow. When he's in my room. Just us. I know I'll want to kiss him and be with him. But I shouldn't because I've been sexually active with others. I've been safe. Unlike when I was younger. I don't have unprotected sex anymore. Thank God I finally got that fucking memo. I'm nervous to see him. Also I wanna talk about the new guy. He's got bipolar bad. Not medicated. He's got issues but so do I. I really like him so far. We just laugh our asses off all night, smoke and have amazing sex. I love being around him. I want to accept his flaws and hopefully he accepts mine. He's used to, his words (crazy latinas). I'm a whole different kind of crazy but he's used to the insane shit women do. I'm not expected to act perfect. Always the right way. Yes it was great with my ex but I really had to hold back alot of who I was to be with him. Which is sad because I thought I was myself most with him. I was for the most part but I had to push down alot of my "crazy" or else I know he wouldn't deal with me or would leave me. With my new boo I decided to be me right off the bat. It's working so far. We shall see, we shall see.

[shjayd]

1st post not via iPhone 🤨

ok... i'm typing this from my laptop. i like you enough to download you to my laptop, Tumblr! 😉 i don't think i can even edit any of my font or anything, so that part sucks (if in reality i can't), so i'd say app via iPhone > Windows when it comes to you, #TUMBLR <- idk if that will even tag in the middle of my post/only at the end.

GOTTA START SOMEWHERE.

previous text complaint: taken back

it's time to get this started ⌚ i heard about you from the Netflix true-crime documentary, Hotel Cecil or w/e, & the thought of posting my thoughts like a social journal (among some other things I've ran across or made self - i like to do calligraphy and hand lettering. i've became creative AFTER getting clean AFTER getting pregnant with my daughter. i always was, i guess the drugs took that part of my imagination away? i'm also obsessed with astrology. if you ask me, i'm a professional astrologer 🔮🌙✨..🤥🫤😤

Taurus Sun, Taurus Moon, and Rising Gemini... i know. a SCARY, yet BEAUTIFUL mEsS. ❤️‍🩹 i'm also very educated in mental health. from personally, to genetics, family and friends, to past work experience. i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (BPD) after my HORRIFYING encounter with Post-Partum Depression, PPD, (although i've most likely suffered from my BPD since a very young age. my mother and brothers who lived with me all of my life would agree). i just never took, nor wanted to take, what my mom and family dr. told me a/b therapists & referrals to psychiatrists anywhere near serious. i honestly thought everyone felt/acted the way i did with both my lowest of lows & highest of highs 🤯… to me, it was always “this is what everyone has to go through. this is life. this is life… everyday”.

i'm a twin, my mother & i are as close as they come (it’s scary b/c I know she won’t be here forever, & both my daughter i I NEED her. forever). her EVER leaving us is another thing I refuse to even think a/b. NEXT SUBJECT;

yes, DADDY ISSUES 🙄 i was the wildest teenager into my late 20s. that was all until i FINALLY realized my self-worth & left my toxic, to say the LEAST, ex-gf, FOR GOOD, & ended up with my life-long best friend's brother, who i've been close, actually very close with, ever since i met his sister when we were ~10-years-old. he saved me. then our daughter came at the most perfect time to save us, as we started to go down that path holding hands. i'm DEF. not going to go into depth, y'all would drown, if you haven’t already.

*the specifics are overrated with no existing relevant meanings here*

i've been on this Earth for ✨almost✨ thirty whole fucking years. yes, i typed out the word, b/c I now have this BURSTING animosity for the number 3, however, 4 is mine. my best best friend is a 2-year-old, teeny chonk, only 2 years old, more dramatic than me, sassy-ass, genius COVID baby. (she was conceived in 2019, so, that was... a.. normal different?) she's 28, ✨ALMOST✨ 29-months-old. her name isn't important, so I'll just refer to her as 'quack'.. 🦆

..............🥰🥰🥰

we live together with her daddy - minez first 🏃🏼‍♀️🥇😂 - my other best friend. (〃￣︶￣)人(￣︶￣〃) •i also enjoy: "adult" coloring books, THC, journaling, Amazon Prime, the little things, elephants, my vape, bullet journaling, bellly laughing, my dishwasher, baby clothes, wood-burning, doodling, Hulu, ACKNOWLEDGMENT, roses WITH sunflowers 🌹🌻, ORCHIDS, my desk, ear-buds, Aaron Hernandez, my little space on earth instead of the internet - my desk & sketchbook, & ANYTHING organizational/cleaning... •i dislike: Scorpios, fantasy movies/series like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones - sorry, not sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️ - shitty parents, mornings, Karens, uppers, Instagram, judgmental humans, my fingernails when they aren't done, & typos. I have a love/hate relationship with Pisces, both male & female 🐠 i'm as blunt & unfiltered as they come. oh, & you can't hurt my feelings (a big s/o to my past traumas). i'm.. an opened, closed book... if that makes any sense to you? now go ahead & try to break down my walls to get to know the real me! i’m the best friend you could ever have! 🤞🏼😸🥳 OKAY! that's enough for now. follow me, & let's get to learn more about e/o & our little spaces on the internet. if you've made it this far 🙂 i'm going to stfu now. (didn’t lie a/b a thing. told you i tend to start rambling. bad.)

• i want to leave you all something pretty to look @ as a preview of what this journey entails💭

#newbie #hello new people #happy new year #journal #journaling #journal ideas #journaling inspiration #journaling junkie #doodles #doodle brain #sketchbook #cannamom #cannacommunity #astrology #nice to meet you

[publicprocessingbemethang-blog]

Panther!

So shit has gone down. Drama amongst the flaka whores. Fights, pettiness, money talk…

Folks feel like they do more than others and are alone at the end of the day… and I just can’t.

Cause I’m the one who truly do the most for the least amount of love.

Anyway Panther took us to the cafe spot, bought tea and cake and held me. Also rolled a spliff and saw my childhood home. Well had to sneak and tiptoe to the bathroom. Daddy almost caught us 😂

He really buttered me up and I needed that. I just wonder why k ain’t fall head over heels for him.

Like he holds me tights when I let go too soon in a hug. He a Capricorn. He expresses his love and desire to share space.

Is it because of who he just broke up with? Is it because he brown and like Black culture and that makes me distrusting? Is it because it is easy to see that he a spiritual fuck boy?

Is it because he actually shows me love and my fucked up rather be in relation to someone who rejects me?

Idk. Idk. Idk.

ALSO King got me all the way fucked up. Had a facilitated fight with him with Unc and me Alpha facilitating and translating.

King never hits me up, expresses desire for me siblings and admitted he was indifferent to my pain and can’t hear me out.

Unc said a Leo fairy and Scorpio demon always gonna have beef.

It’s just that King and I have the same moon. Very similar goals and desires. And since he Black and Native… I want to live out the 2.5 white picket fence fantasy.

I keep finding more flaws as to why the duck boys I desire dismiss me. Fat, ugly, smoked stained teeth, disability, crazy ass bipolar personality.

Sigh… maybe I’m keeping Panther far far away from my heart and mind because… heartbreak ain’t worth it. Plus we just cute sweet tender friends.

King don’t even watch my insta stories. I cried the night we connected at his with Panther and Unc. And I was write. King and I can’t cuddle or share Soave alone cause it’s giving the same vibes I have with me sibling.

Where the pain of being compatible but no sexual desire on their ends makes me feel like shit.

And everyone knows how pathetic I am.

At least I can keep my distance from the femmes in the whore group.

Could you imagine being loved out of pity and not really desired in a pussyxpussy relationship?

I’m still not over any of my past girlfriends 😭

A man dismissing and using you… EXPECTED.

But with a femme?! I’m killing myself.

Also too insecure to be with a shorty because I would just compare our bodies and cry.

Also though… still holding a grudge over what my summer ex said about us being the same… fat and black and all smiles. Just to use prettier women to make me jealous and confess they think skinny white people are the most desirable.

Sigh… I’m no better though.

ALSO! A Nigga need to focus on school and being a healer! Cause I got myself and community fucked up at the moment…

#diary

[briamichellewrites]

67

2012.

jayjoinsta: Twelve months sober! A year ago, I was at the end of my rope after battling a three year addiction to heroin. I had lost my daughter and friends because of my addiction. I was also coming out of a physically and sexually abusive relationship, which left me pregnant. I had one last chance. I entered a court ordered rehab program after being arrested for a DUI. That saved my life. Because of the court system, I’m still alive. I am in the process of getting help for my mental health, while repairing the damage caused by my addiction. While in rehab, I gave birth to a healthy baby, who was not affected by my drug use.

Jayde posted a screenshot from a website that tracked how long she had been sober. Congratulations came in from her friends and followers. Twelve months. She was working her ass off to maintain her sobriety and mend her relationship with Ava. Adam had to admit he was proud of how she was turning her life around. He was seeing her as the woman he had hurt, instead of just brushing her aside as a drug addict.

adamlevine: Congratulations! I’m proud of you. @jayjoinsta

jayjoinsta: That’s the nicest thing you’ve said about me! Are you feeling okay? Do you need to see a doctor? @adamlevine

No, he didn’t. Adam could tell she was joking, though he recognized he also deserved it. Yes, he was a dick and he could admit it. She and Chester reminded him of that. As did a lot of other people throughout his career and life. He was currently dating a woman named, Behati Prinsloo, who was also a Victoria’s Secret model. She had heard about Jayde from Adam and wanted to meet her.

He was told by her of her recent diagnosis of bipolar and that she was receiving treatment for it. What was the treatment? She was on medication and had appointments once a month for medication management. Those appointments were usually an hour long and were just to make sure she was doing okay with the medication and talking about any symptoms or side effects. He asked her about her probation. She didn’t need to check in with a probation officer.

She just had to stay out of trouble with the law for twelve months. He had forgotten about that. She was currently not dating anyone but she and Leo had secretly hooked up. It was kind of awkward for them but they could laugh about it. Maybe they were not sexually attracted to each other as they thought they were. Oh, well.

They had talked about dating but decided against it because they couldn’t get past the fact that they were brother and sister. After sleeping with Jon, she went back out her birth control to avoid getting pregnant for another four years. He was relieved to know that he would not be getting her pregnant – again! Dorothea would kill him for that and the kids might never forgive him. He had been lucky the first time and he didn’t want to chance it again.

He had gone back to New Jersey after spending a week with Jayde and her friends. It had been very fun meeting Jason and getting to talk to him. He was told by him that he and Rob were dating. Congratulations. How long have they been together? Six months. He genuinely liked Jason and gave his approval. They thanked him. Jason was kind of quirky but he matched Rob perfectly.

He was also looking on the bright side and had a huge heart for people. Rob was quiet, while also being passionate and sensitive. During one of their dates, he opened up about why his first marriage failed. He and Brad, his ex husband cheated on each other. They both broke off their affair’s but then, he continued cheating with his friend. He was also very paranoid about Brad cheating that he pushed him away. They had been best friends when they got married and he looked up to him.

His marriage was not something he would ever regret. What he regretted was hurting him and breaking up their family. He had been immature and selfish. Jason could understand that. How long was he married? Three years. Jason had been married for a year in 2001 but it wasn’t meant to work out. He had been exploring his sexuality with other men and women. Was he married to a woman or man? A woman.

He came out to her and they decided to get divorced. She would always be a part of his life. They both had regrets about their relationships, but they were very happy with what they currently had. After dating for three months long distance, Jason asked him to be his boyfriend when he drove out to visit him at his avocado farm. He said yes immediately!

He also had the honor of meeting Holmes, who was very interested in him. Holmes quickly warmed up to him after getting a belly rub from him. He was like Jason, open and inviting. Every day he found more things to love about him. Brad approved of him, as did Elisa. He was the kind of boyfriend they wanted for him.

Jayde had found an unexpected friend in Matthew McConaughey. He became a mentor of sorts to her and they struck up a brother/sister relationship. After the party four years ago, he had been getting updates from Leo. When he was informed she had completed rehab, he reached out to her. They met for lunch at a vegan restaurant and ended up talking for two hours. She admitted that she was going through a very serious drug addiction when she met him.

Her addiction was talked about in the media and she was seen as another train wreck by Hollywood. Every time she was arrested, it was talked about. He didn’t see that. What he saw was a girl in trouble and needing help. She had everything going for her career-wise but he knew how tempting drugs were and what loneliness was like.

When he saw her for the first time in four years, he was blown away. She had gained weight and was taking care of herself. The first time he met her, there was nothing behind her eyes and she looked like she didn’t want to be at the party but was trying to fake it for Leo. Now, her eyes were shining! She looked beautiful and genuinely happy. When he told her about his recent movie, Magic Mike, she burst into laughter. Why? Because his character was a male stripper.

“Are you going to see it?”

“Hell no! Oh my god. No offense, but no.”

“Okay. I have another movie. It’s about a guy, who’s diagnosed with AIDS. He smuggles medication from Mexico to save his life.”

“That I might see. It sounds interesting. What’s it called?”

“The Dallas Buyer’s Club. You should look into Ron Woodruff.”

“Ok, dude. I’m seriously going to look into this!”

He laughed. The movie had been in the works since the nineties and was finally being made. He, Jared Leto and Jennifer Garner had all signed contracts for the movie and he was excited to do it. His character was not likable. He was homophobic and transphobic, but that changed by the end of the film. For the movie, he was going to have to lose weight because his character had AIDS. His fiancé, Camila encouraged him to do it.

Speaking of Camila, he wanted to introduce her and his kids to Jayde. She didn’t know he had a fiancé or kids. What were their names? Levi, he was four and Vida, she was two. He and Camila were also expecting their third child, another boy. Congratulations! She was excited to meet them!

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever @borhap-au @beneathashadytree @duffs-shot-glass @geo-winchester @lokolokong-manunulat

[dazlinn909]

18+ gender bent role play anyone??? Multiple characters cause I obviously can give you their back storyline you just get into it

We can turn the girls into boys to make it equal lol

Stacy Marsh vegetarian cause she loves animals that much and bipolar depression af definitely has her bad days. Drinks to get wreckity wrecked and forgetti she's depressed then cuddles on her bestie who's in love with her which she low key knows but also knows she'll get cuddles and to call her ex to cry at him. Classic scared of being gay so she denies it.

Wendel Testaburger being mad his drunk ex Stacy who keeps calling him and saying she loves then hates him lol. Very smart guy will argue with anyone who's wrong. Still goes to the gym with the guys. Maybe plays soccer or runs or one of those or multiple active things.

Kylie Brovloski who is very in love with Stacy of course she's still mad about it but that never stops her from cuddling her depressed in gay denial friend. Is just like her mother and she hates when her sibling points it out but obvious mom friend of group. Stubborn no matter what gender.

Bailey Stevens being a pussy destroyer lmao. Of course he's a pretty boy and he knows it/that guy who's always fixing his hair. I don't like working out but I look hot so I do it type. Knows all the lastest gossip somehow. Pretty much runs in opposite direction after hooking up with Red first cause afraid of losing his playboy rep.

(but I also think bebe and red is a cute ship the gay guy drama we all crave)

Red(since it's a nickname)McArthur gets the yaoi treatment in 4th grade with Andrew Knitts. Unlike regular universe they don't actually fall in love. To aggressive for Andrew. It did ruin his actual relationship with Kimi Stoley which helped fuel aggression towards Andrew. Sports/any active activities are his favorite. I rock my maw hawk what do you mean it's outta style? Tells Bailey he can either get bitches or be his bitch~. After they've both comes to terms with their sexual issues.

Cristi Tucker also will allow Cris as a nickname only cause it sounds manly and fuck gender norms. Can and will kick most men's asses especially when provoked which doesn't take much. Can't even fake any fucks to give. Likes blondes girls and guniea pigs. Is cursed with tits just because she wish she had none girl life. What's wrong with liking two girls.

Tweek Tweak/they name their child that no matter what. Likes coffee still likes her best friend who likes her back but they weren't forced to get together so they're both very shy and beat around the bush about it. Squishmellow addict, sending tik toks at ungodly hours girl.

Kenya McCormick of course flirts with everyone likes all genders but especially Cristi and happily hooks up with her when given the opportunity. Gets drunk with Stacy on fun girls nights. Is a hippie Erica tells her all time, but will fuck you up if you mess with her siblings. Smokes weed and will listen to Mr Marsh rant much to Stacy's annoyance but free joint or few best kind too always poor girl.

If you read all these and it gets enough likes I could do the other ladies in (Craig's gang) and the rest of the guys.

#south park #south park rp #south park au #rp south park #looking for rp #looking for roleplay

[frosted-plasma]

Fuck life man lmao

#basically here's the just #my ex step dad moved to Utah like the bitch ass he is and left my hakf brother here #so now I never have any alone time with my mom (i used to have every other weekend) #and my brother is obviously dealing with his emotions so he's yelling and being stubborn and not letting me and my mom talk at all etc etc #(he's 8 btw) #I found out that basically my entire grasp on my childhood was a lie (I always thought and was told that i had RLLY bad anger issues and #dealt with really really bad guilt from it because I did some shit #but my mom's been thinking about it a lot lately and apparently it was just an age thing and the way she handled it made things grow and #become MUCH worse (my little brother is doing the same stuff I did granted mine was a bit worse cause I'm bipolar but still and the way #she's handling it is so much better now and it just.. sucks y'know #also I was sent to a children's hospital for being too violent (although I by no means needed to.. my mom didn't know what else to do) #and it was so scarring for a lot of my life I thought I was there for an entire year. til I found out a few years ago that it was only 8days #8. days. #and I found out a few weeks ago that the last memory I had of seeing my mom at the hospital before she left was a lie. it wasn't even her. #it. wasn't. even. her. #she said they didn't let her walk me in #i was in a hospital room (keep in mind I was 8 years old) and a lady (who I thought was my mom) was trying to get me to put on a night gown #and I didn't want to because i hated wearing dresses (still do) and she said 'if you don't put it on then that man is going to come in here #and put it on for you' and UM??? NOT OK??? even looking back just. WTF #like ig it's a good thing it wasn't my mom but damn that fucked me up and finding out I don't even remember saying bye to her #it's been rough lately.. #oh and multiple people I'm very close to and love so so so much are suicidal so that's f u n #and on top of that school sucks ASS #I don't even want to get into it everything about it is just so fucking stressful and stupid #thx for reading if you did #needed to get some things off my chest and figured y'all could know why I'm not doing much art lately #there's some other stuff but those are the main ones #just. everything all happening at once... #oh also my step sister is getting shipped out to the marines soon and I'm gonna miss her really bad ;m; #she's the only person in this house I'm not anxious to death around

[the-molecularbio-kitten]

Things I Am Learning Through Trial And Error To Combat My ADHD and Bipolar Depression

Okay so I’m in the middle of a down swing and the depression and ADHD are KICKING MY ASS. Maybe these things that I am trying will work for someone else too, so here.

1. Tell yourself “that’s the devil speaking”

So this is a favorite of mine. Basically when I don’t feel like doing something, I tell myself “that’s the devil speaking” meaning the devil is putting that thought into my head to discourage me from doing well and succeeding. I’ll be honest when I say “devil” I really just picture this one girl from my life that I don’t like and had it out for me. So really you can replace devil with any person in your life who is trying to get you down. Could be your ma, grandad, brother, ex-friend, teacher, whatever. Just tell yourself that is what they are saying and you really do want to do well, and get to work.

2. If that doesn’t work, and admittedly if you’re real deep in executive dysfunction/depression it may not, what I do then is write out everything I need to do on a sheet of paper. I prefer to hand write, makes it more tangible for me or something. Anyway from there break the tasks into as many steps as you need to make it smaller and more manageable. The problem I have with this method is that it can get overwhelming just looking at all the steps, so this may backfire stupendously.

3. So this is something I’m trying now with some success. For chores, put on pieces of paper each task. Throw them into a hat. Pull the tasks from the hat. Make it interesting and fun to start the thing.

4. I have SO MANY READINGS to do for my classes. So I am also making a game of this. Take a piece of paper or my whiteboard or something and make squares with each chapter and section in a square. First square is chapter 1 section 1, then chapter 1 section 2, etc. make a start and finish space. Put a game piece at start, move the piece to the first square. Once you read it, move to the next and repeat until you are done! If it’s not gonna burn you out completely, make a different “game board” for each chapter. If you have multiple classes to read for, put a chapter from each class on one board, then move the pieces forward as you alternate. For me I hate seeing one piece ahead of others so it motivates me to read everything I need to. As a last note, put every so often squares of like “take a break” or “transfer book notes into notebook” or something. Keep it fresh.

5. Just make a game or something of your tasks. I cannot stress this enough, you are literally fighting with yourself to do the thing. There is nothing wrong with tricking yourself to do the thing. If outright threats to yourself don’t work at this point, tricking yourself is valid. And don’t feel silly about it either! You’re trying to Get Shit Done, not worry if your methods are too childish or some shit.

And that’s all I got so far. Will make another post if I can think of more. The downside to this post is that it is long and a lot of reading, so people who this is intended for may not actually read it lol.

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