#my mental state has been rly shit recently and i just want to disappear | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mercuriial · 4 years

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oh my god this is so EXCITING ok here we go !! hello ,, i’m jin — eighteen, she/her pronouns, from vancouver, luvs cats, a cancer ( .. virgo moon cap rising <3 ). i am SO ecstatic to be here ?? like this group literally sprouted from me n kelly joking abt making an rp goin’ “jk... unless 😳” to THIS !! anywaaaaays ,, this is my luv rosie ! of course i would love to plot so just like this & i will message u or feel free to hit me up first here or on discord !! pls be my friend !!

TW: MENTAL ILLNESS & SUICIDE !

✎⌠diana silvers. cisfemale. she/her⌡❝ — well, look who’s just arrived ! if it isn’t the one and only rosemary adler. though, around here they’re known as the quiescent. don’t tell ‘em i said this but the twenty-three year old librarian / musician kinda has a reputation of being reticent and scatter-brained. but y’know, they can be perceptive and sanguine too. typical cancer. anyways, welcome home and stay safe rosie ! ❞

BACKGROUND

ok ok ok SO rosie ( yes as u might guess . most call her rosie ) grew up here as the youngest with three older brothers !!

her parents separated when she was like seven n so a lot of her childhood was spent goin’ back and forth between her parents houses, but eventually her dad moved away because he remarried n started a whole new family. she has a couple half-sisters but tells people she only has brothers !

her mum, who she’s primarily grown up with & loves dearly, was a musician , albeit a struggling one but rosie always looked up to her. naturally she also started playing instruments when she was super young n has not looked back ever since !! can play the piano, guitar, but also like … the accordion, flute n banjo hah

yea so !! due to her mum’s profession & her dad kinda peacing out eventually, they were always a lil strapped for cash but still, they were happy. as individuals maybe not but still, a good n tight-knit family dynamic. however rosie, on her own, has struggled a lot w/ her mental health !! like at a young age, she was diagnosed w/ anxiety n then eventually depression as well & she basically can’t remember a point where her life wasn’t affected by these things

she had her first suicide attempt at fifteen which as you can imagine really fucked her up long-term. like. she stopped going to school for a while, social circle dwindled in size, just stayed home really

altho rosie was pretty behind in school by the time she returned, she managed to catch up and went to university outside of misty hollow ! she majored in creative writing but after her first year, she dropped out bc it just … wasn’t for her

after that she moved back home n was kind of back at square one, spending the next year just working part-time n making music, doing the occasional gig at a local bar. as much as university wasn’t for her, this state of her life was still really tough on her as she felt like there wasn’t much to do or work for. this time in her life was when her second suicide attempt happened

afterwards, rosie decided she couldn’t stay at home anymore n moved to new york at the age of twenty to try to pursue a career as a musician ! obviously moving wasn’t a quick fix to her struggles with depression but a change of scenery definitely made her feel more hopeful n purposeful

she joined a band as a lead guitarist n was so so desperate to “make it” somehow . this band treated her like shit n the band members were super toxic to each other & her ! just overall a really bad environment to be in but rosie put up with it because she was so attached to the idea of being a successful musician. she lived w/ these people n worked with them too so … it was rly not pleasant … but eventually she left after two hellish years because there was a big scandal abt one of their band members n it all fell apart

and uh ... she was kind of broke at this point and moved back a year later !! since then, she’s been back at misty hollow working as a librarian at the town’s public library & doin’ her music thing on the side. it’s kind of like before, doing small gigs n whatnot. the town’s pretty small so her band is known around town but outside of it, not really !!

note: i understand that mental illness is a heavy topic n can be hard to read / write about for some people ! i will definitely be respectful n obviously not take anything too far but if anything u see from me ever makes u uncomfy, please let me know !

PERSONALITY

BASICALLY u can picture her bein like… not outgoing but also not shy ? like she rarely shares personal things abt herself (unless it’s thru her ~music~) & is a rly private person - she’ll often just disappear for like a week or somethin’ and then come back into everybody’s life like nothing happened

she’s independent but also so painfully sensitive !! she is a closeted softie !! if you are her friend or she ( very very secretly ) wants to be your friend , she will think about u literally 24/7 !! puts a lot a lot of effort into her relationships but also . doesn’t expect / want anybody to do that for her ??

RLY scatter-brained n messy hah. her room is just stacks of books, cups everywhere, sticky notes on the walls, unmade bed, can literally never find where anything is. she is late to everything !! leaves dishes out for daaaays !! you get the picture. she is both physically n mentally messy

she has a love-hate relationship with misty hollow ?? like some days she wants to rip her hair out and can’t stand the thought of spending another day here because it’s just so awful but other days ,, she appreciates the small town aspect n luvs everyone here.

u can check out the playlist & pinterest board i have for her if ur curious !

WANTED CONNECTIONS

lich rally anything luv ... <3

but some ideas !! a ride or die, best friend, sister she never had, life-partner, etc etc... just give this gal a best friend she would absolutely die 4. i want them 2 platonically cuddle and kiss each other on the cheeks and cry on the phone together .

a former flame !! could be recent, old, angsty, funny, i want it ALL !!

a regular at the library who has gotten to know rosie thru subtle compliments they give each other on their book choices ... they give each other book recs ( obviously ), gossip abt seniors who frequent the library ,,

an ex-friend maybe ?? rosie is . uh very non-confrontational ,, maybe they were super good childhood friends n then lost touch somehow & now it’s just not the same ... so many things left unspoken

friends who smoke n complain abt how dumb misty hollow is together at two in the morning .. this could be literally anybody because who doesn’t hate misty hollow ?

ANYTHING . give me ur ideas <3

#misty.intro

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avpdpunpun · 5 years

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i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm.

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores.

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

#text #update #mostly tagging this for myself to read later if i ever start blogging frequently again

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