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#my little self is not stupid tho i simply put that there cuz the ‘stupid little’ word thing. i have a self-esteem.
hiscrimsonangel · 1 year
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(Small update for ‘24…)
Some basics for you about Scarlet ( to hopefully save some time though a lot is above)
My name is Scarlet or Scar to some for short. I am over 21- a Leo- pronouns are she/her (and sometimes the Royal “We” if I feel a little bratty). Simply put, I am just a pansexual metalhead woman with a few kinks, a few tats here and there, and a piercing or 3, that will sometimes carry a D20 for luck and always embraces my beautifully weird self and doesn’t mind flying her nerdy freak flag proudly. It’s what makes me me after all. Oh and I also communicate at times with music- it speaks sometimes when mere words fail. …and yes ADHD is also a factor so sometimes I babble a bit, working on correcting that, personally I think it helps me with my artistic endeavors, the ADHD not the talking a lot.
IMPORTANT! Absolutely NO MINORS ALLOWED! 18+ ONLY - I will block little shits or send them to Mordor depending on the mood I am in. I am not a babysitter- my last name is NOT Harrington.
If you send an ANON ask with no age attached to it I probably won’t answer you just so you know.
Oh and if you follow me and have zero posts and info? Yah- consider yourself blocked. Save us both time, k? Thanks. (Stupid fucking bots)
This is predominantly a ST/EM RP blog so while I may reblog posts and follow some people cuz I like their writing and yah there are quite a few and they are fucking awesome, I will post various things in that sort of RP vein…. My main verse and heart’s song is @emthebanished ( there is magic all around you, Eddie my love …💋 )
In reality, quite honestly, I don’t debate about all the “ship” BS- I absolutely adore Eddie Munson in ALL his glory. There is a reason he struck a chord with so many, and why his fan base is a devoted one. I am here to have fun, relax and celebrate the fanfics, imagines and art that has been done for my favorite show since 2016 and my very favorite character from said show that seemingly was always in the background, but we never got to meet til May 2022. Just watch ST seasons 1-3 and you will see his younger self floating by in the background. I swear it’s him… the curls, dark eyes and denim give him away…
I or my admin will add more or revamp this as I go probably but this is a good start. The Admin who lends a hand is in her late 20’s and if she ever posts anything it will be in // at the front and simply will be referred to as “CrimsonAdmin”. I don’t have time to continuously block bots, she lends a hand… she may answer questions too, but questions to her please use the // -ok?
And feel free to ask questions- but make sure you aren’t afraid of the answers! Ha ha! And again, if you ask ANON with no age, I probably won’t answer as this really is an adults only space, k?
Lastly, Please Remember….
This is Munson’s world- seriously, it is- we simply live in it…. (He’ll get humble about it, on his behalf I won’t tho… “it’s just the facts “ as Erica would say..)
Now then, Thanks for reading all this drivel babble stuff that is kinda important… now please- Carry on…
See y’all! 🤘🏼
Scarlet (Emerson) Munson- Hawkins, Indiana
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Hi
So this is a first post after introduction. I thought about what to write but thinking won't help with typing and it's easier for me to just... Do it. So I'm gonna do it.
I'd love to start with something light, but I'm not sure what is considered "light". See, i was always interested in psychology and human behavior, analising everyone and every character I came across so I'm not sure what's considered as heavy except the very extreme stuff, like death and suicide. I'm afraid I'm lacking a little bit in the terms of common sense in this regard. Sorry.
Worth noting for the future when I will figure out how to start opening this issue up.
Let's start with something easy for me then. I consider myself smart. I didn't always do that. It took work and a lot of words of encouragement from myself to be able to say that I'm smart. So did several other things but this is about being smart.
I was never really into learning at school or putting effort where others kids did. I'm not sure if it was lack of energy or if I was simply not there mentally, not aware enough to feel any kind of push towards academics, but even without doing homework, or studying outside of school I did well grade wise.
Teachers didn't worry about me or said anything, except calling me lazy a couple of times, saying how I could do so much better with a little bit more studying, even tho I didn't study at all in the first place. I don't remember my reaction to that. It cuts off.
I caught on pretty fast, figured stuff maybe not the fastest but in my own way. It seemed that other kids had easier time with the cues the teacher gave us, easier came up with a solution the teacher expected. I had a problem with that, even when I was 9. I thought it had to be a different way of thinking. "Thinking outside the box" as adults called it. So I tried thinking inside the box.
That didn't work out and I was left confused, to figure the workings of things on my own.
I managed after following my own thought pattern instead of trying to go along with the teacher.
My work sheets and thought patterns left my teachers confused but that was fine. I learned the material so they couldn't really do anything.
So I just drifted in school, listening during lessons and understanding the concepts. Never really remembering my grades or caring as long as it wasn't a bad grade.
Didn't consider myself smart or stupid or anything.
I was just... There.
Till I got older and older and the lack of recognition turned into doubt and doubt turned into low self esteem.
So I drifted cuz that's what worked, that's what helped me cope.
And thr next thing I know I'm in second year of high school, gasping for air after a panic attack over a physics exam.
For the first time i was aware of the moment and overwhelmed beyond reason.
I didn't like thy very much, I'm still wondering how I was not crying about the situation at all.
Well that's it for now.
Sorry for typpos of there are any, it's late. I'm not very good at keeping interested for proof reading sometimes.
Best regards,
Isa
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papers4me · 3 years
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Hi, I have always read your furuba reviews and I'm very curious about which are your favorite characters and why?
HI!
Thank you for reading my posts<3. I know I've been slow lately, but I'm not in a right emotional place right now, but I'll be back to posting soon. Actually talking abt furuba & story-telling here in tumblr is such a peaceful outlet that I'm thankful for.
While I love 97% of furuba characters, my faves kept changing while I watched the anime. I decided to have 5 top characters as faves & number one kept changing as the anime progressed.
Since I'm all abt story-telling, I think I need to separate the anime from the manga cuz no way in the anime that tohru would be on my top 5, heck not even top 10! I really don't like how her character was reduced to yuki's mommy-tohru, then angel-tohru, then villain-fixer tohru. The real individual tohru with her own personal story is just two eps long, so meh~. Also, while yuki is in my top 5 in the anime, I don't like how he's too perfect & prince in the anime while his own theme is the imperfect non-prince. Kyo's, too in my top 5 but I dont like how his own story is intentionally messed up by the anime with the stupid "I forgot" that contradicts the anime's own canon plot...
So, I'll tell you my top 5 fave character in the manga so fat with no particular order.
Tohru, while I'm yet to uncover her own plot in the manga, so far she has way more character exploration & depth!! She really feels like a different character from the anime! I'm shocked! The facial expressions, the occasional doubtful self-talk, even the "fake-smile"mask she puts is so expressive. She is treated as a character with a personal plot , regardless of being the protagonist. Her own plot is not reliant on being yuki's mommy, or the sohma's shrink, or a fixer. Her own plot line is abt grief & being lonely. It's the most common struggle that we all share regardless of our gender, race, financial status. Death is the ultimate fact & we'll face loosing a loved one & feeling lonely is not related to social skills nor being loved. I'll forever hate the anime for passing on such unique universal theme in favor of emphasizing the most popular shonen-themed coming of age story ( a boy becoming a man) "yuki" or the over-exaggerated drama in "kyo's". Like I dont want them to pass any of the 3 characters plotlines, but the anime made a choice & forever cemented anime tohru as the most "fixer"character in anime history like 98765678 of other female protagonists.
Yuki has way more character & realness in the manga. He doesnt come off as narrator-y as he does in the anime simply cuz the anime only chose the parts where yuki narrates as a voice-over & told us how to feel & dropped all the parts where he's interacting & actually talking to other characters not just the audience. His own personal story is abt "observing, learning & having the guts to make a move & embracing his own imperfection". I love this! Anime yuki is not imperfect. no. he's the icon of perfect prince, he even initiates a set of fanclub girls into the world that they float! He's so perfect, he "heals" a girl simply by talking to her once. That's all it takes him to fall in love & find his soulmate. While in the manga, I'm starting to see yuki display signs of "kind jerk" in the making, that's refreshing!
I admit that I didn't include kyo into my top 5 until se02. Don't get me wrong, he's so endearing since ep1, but didnt seem to be complex nor refreshing as the others. but se02, ep 9 was the first glimpse into his own character depth & I got hooked! I'm so in love with the theme of "repeated mistakes & guilt". it's such a mature theme & speaks to a much wider audience. The more we repeat the same mistakes, the more we self-sabotage our lives. Also, I love the love isn't a magic healing element in his story. He's the most loved character by tohru, yet her love only hurt him more due to his guilt. Moreover, the romantic element itself wasnt a cliche "love at 1st sight, nor lovers since childhood, nor girl fixes a guy, nor guy protects the girl from danger". Not at all. It was "love blooming subtly, little by little by mundane daily life". I cant express how much I applaud Takaya-san for such complex writing. In the anime, kyo only comes when it's his ep, other than that, he's absent or characterless. I hated that. So far in the manga, kyo has an existence even in other plotlines & has different aspects of his character. Also, I'm shocked at how much inner dialogue he has! like no too much that it involves other character nor too little that you dont understand him. It's just the right amount.
Momiji. He's the most balanced character. He isnt fixed by tohru, but isnt perfectly fine either. He's the definition of the right amount of kindness. He doesn sell himself to make other happy like tohru or kureno, nor puts himself in danger to save others like haru. He does help others but also helps himself. He helped his mom forget him cuz honestly that wasnt even his choice. it's the dad's. He participated willingly tho in avoiding her, but he didnt dwell in self pity & locked himself emotionally. He let go of loving tohru & encouraged kyo, but while he genuinely loved kyo, he didnt just back off cuz he's kind & a sacrificial angel. He stood like a man & challenged kyo for tohru's heart, but let go when he realized the choice is tohru's. not them. They can love her aromatically, but she's the one who decides who to be with. I love the theme of "not competing for love". it's not a competition really. never was. Still, as love sick & heart-broken as he was, momiji didnt dwell in self-pity & after allowing himself to heal, he bounced back & smiled. Momiji is no foolish traveler.
The spot is reserved to a certain character that I want the manga to prove their worth. I dont want them to be as shallow as the anime made them to be. I want to see depth. I dont know if the manga writes them better, but once I finish the manga, I'll know.
I wanted to add shigure but no. Despite all the complexity & the unique roles he has & despite how much I love characters with big giant flaws & ugly characteristics, shigre fell from my top 5 long ago. Look, this seems petty but I can't get over the fact that he slept with akito's mom. ewwwww. It makes me wanna puke! so disgusting. yuck yuck yuck! I dont mind that he "cheated"or wanted to "hurt akito by sleeping with ANOTHER woman". As a matter of fact, such acts create drama, ugly feelings & emotional struggle. I love such things in fiction. but he did it with the mother. He actually laid with both mom & daughter in his life. ewwwwww! This level of eww is so revolting to me! Some ppl are disgusted by bugs & worms that they want to puke, me.. when ppl sleep with both parent/off spring, or both siblings. Yuck! & it's even more yuck that it didnt stop their "love" from being real/ happy/ perfect/ passionate! & that it worked in making akito "want him more & be a "woman" for him"... ew!
lol, so yeah~here's my super long answer to ur super short qs. but I dont be "papers"if I didnt write till my fingers hurt, now would I? XD. I enjoyed ur question so much! thanks<3.
Anon, Don't get offended ny my shigure-rant! XD. its petty, I know. if u read this, tell me who's ur fave?
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kaebedom-me · 3 years
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Poly ch💙ya + a little bit of Ch💙ya? Idk
I'm,, big sads today so,, we're gonna do some self indulgent headcanons umu Oh, It's gonna be like real scattered cuz brain not fine
Also this is kinda like a dark AU or smth idk I'm in my feels. Update: this was kinda dark and nasty. PLEASE READ WITH DISCRETION
Cw: mentions of alcohol, drugs, and blood, dd/lg, gun kink(?), pee??, mentions of cheating/NTR
Disclaimer: this headcanon is no way in any shape or form promoting alcohol, drugs, and/or violence. Stay the fuck away from drugs and violence, drink alcohol in moderation when you're of legal age.
I'm like in my feels rn and-
Kaeya getting drunk and high is kinda lowkey hot
Like sloppy make out sessions where you're numb to the world but yet strangely hyper aware of the slide of his tongue against yours oof
Childe when he wants to be numb to the world beats people up or gets his ass beaten
Something about feeling of warm blood against his aching knuckles just really takes his brain away from thinking thoughts
Alternatively them looking at you worriedly with a little bit of like disappoint when you turn to alcohol or drugs to get your mind off things
Your high/drunk ass crawling over to them, numb but not completely gone and-
Drugged sex? High sex?
It's like slow and heaty. A lot of unspoken emotional tension oof
Like idk dudes but i think that shit sounds hoT
I want them to look at me disappointingly and seduce them into bedding me
Because them fucking away your feelings, emotions, your thoughts just turning your brain into mush, or like completely numbing you mwah [chef's kiss]
And they won't deny you for too long because they know you're trying to cope so for now they'll just go along with you
Will absolutely keep everything in check doesn't want anything to happen to you
After that, when you're ready, they're there to talk to you and help you with whatever you're trying to go through
And also find a better coping mechanism cuz this shit ain't healthy
I also,,,
I just,,, really want to call them daddy ya know AAHAHA
Kaeya would be into it, not by the idea of being a daddy? More of a power play thing
Like he gets off to you submitting to him that's why he gets off of daddy
Biggest fucking tease about it if you initiate it?
"oh? What was that, baby? You repeat that a little louder? You're so dirty"
But if you don't initiate it he'll try to get you to do it? It's just something he wants to try lol
Asks you to call him daddy and you're like bashful "ew what no" and he'll go on fucking you when you're at your peak he stops
"say the magic word and I'll reward you, baby"
You can deny him but you'll deny yourself orgasms
If you get off from begging him like calling him daddy then he'd really get off too
"you like that, baby? Calling out daddy so lewdly, are you feeling good, huh? Does daddy make you feel good"
Childe isn't as into it methinks uwu
Like I'm not,,, I'm not a father yet?
BUT HE COULD BE
I think he's real into daddy because of the aspect of being a daddy? I think. That's the vibes he gives off
Like you gotta kinda put it in his brain the whole daddy thing and he'd get real into it
It's ok tho Kaeya can help uwu
"do you want my babies that badly, darling? What exactly are you getting off of, hm?"
I think once he gets into the right head space there's no turning back like he really gets into it
Loves hearing muffled reiteration of it? Whether he's stuffing your mouth full of cock, his fingers, gags anything. You calling, or trying, to call him daddy makes his cock throb
Because to him it's like you being needy and he thinks it's adorable when you're so needy and basically mush for him
A little bit of Chaeya because they bring me great comfort and i had this idea for awhile now
Like them using each other for sex and realising tension
But realising after awhile that they've fallen for each other? [chef's kiss] maybe after dating someone else they have a little light bulb moment when they see each other at a club w someone else-
Dumps their partner or not (depends if I'm feeling the NTR)
And goes to fuck the sense out of each other and they start like dating hot shit
I fucking hate people who smokes but the thought of Kaeya smoking
Him blowing smoke into your face when you're negotiating something? Or like idk????
Like the sexual tension????
Him having one of those fancy kiseru pipes, lounging on a chaise, with like a velvet robe that's exposing his chest
I'd simply get on my knees and let him face fuck me
Speaking of NTR Chaeya not dating but being FWBs even though they're dating other people because they just vibe with each other's sexual chemistry,,, i love it
Someone on twitter once drew a mermaid Chaeya AU and I have not be able to get that out of my brain since
Like marine biologist or sailor or obsessed w the ocean Childe and mermaid Kaeya-
Mermaid Kaeya............
And childe does eyE-
Anyway mermaid Kaeya being cute because wtf is human thing bring it to me
I want Childe to fuck me with a gun. I just thought about it, and i have brainworms now
Knowing him he will refuse to put bullets in there but will not tell you
You're almost at your orgasm as he's fucking you with what you think is a loaded gun, you're begging him to touch you anything and he fucking shoots
You're squirting all over the gun and his arm, he's laughing at what a slut you are for danger. Gods, i think that'll be the hottest and best fucking orgasm you'll ever have
If you're so scared, you kinda pee yourself a little. Childe will humiliate you, it'll be the Worst for you but it's so fucking hot to him
Kk but like
I really like the idea or Chaeya being fucking morons together doing stupid shit like yeeting each other across an empty parking lot on like a shopping cart
Them laughing and singing dumb pop songs like maniacs without a care in the world
AAH my heARt
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dahniwitchoflight · 4 years
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Homesquared Chapter 2
Ohh the part where we get to see the Kids rendered! Id seen panels here and there of these three but now I get to see them see them :D
Vrissy lol cute
LOVING that symbolism of shedding the brackets like a snake sheds its skin, renewal of the ouroborous what is canon becomes non canon what is non canon becomes canon again
Also implying that over time like a snakeskin, Canon will just always degrade to being Non Canon, until its unceremoniously shaken off all at once and becomes Canon but Different each time
Man baby Tavros is just like, exactly like a baby Jake, is he gonna get nicknamed too? or not a problem since Troll Tavros isnt around anyway?
Actually, related: Names being associated with Heart should have been obvious all this time as Unique Identifiers seperating seperate people and identities like the walls between Souls, but it’s nice to have that sorta made explicitly clear, can probably add Names next to Heart’s symbols like Hats
and from that, People sharing the same unique identifier, like all Dirk’s simply being called Dirk, is probably referencing that they are all each part of the Hive-MIND of the being called Dirk
I do remember that once in Homestuck Brain Ghost Dirk was labeled as the full title, even when him and real Dirk never interacted, but now here he is just simply Dirk.
Aww, Tavros speaks in Gamzee purple ): That hurts my soul, that Gamzee would have affected his own self so deeply
Good on ya though Tavros for beating the shit out of his dead body, I’d have done the same
On the next note eyy here’s that bucktoothed child that somehow also encapuslates the rule of every strider being attractive-looking, Harry!
His design is genuinely cute! And maybe a bucktoothed nod to how Roxy may have ended up looking in a timeline where they decided Male was a gender they wanted
Now that I’ve been introduced to all three of the Kids I’m definitely gonna keep my eyes on any classpect stuff for them, which may or may not be relevant ever at some point in this comic maybe? Cuz like, Dirk and Terezi and Rosebot are all up to starting another session and Homesquared so far feels very like the “Journey of the Second Generation” and we just know theres bound to be sburb stuff happening sometime
With the main juicy tidbit being, are their classpects just gonna be mixes of their parents? Unique to them but also with the influence of the parentage, or are they gonna be entirely different?
Like, Harry just from first impression I can definitely see as being a Rogue of Breath, it’s fitting so far
Tavros then could either be a Maid of Hope or a Page of Life, tho I’m HEAVY leaning towards Maid of Hope seeing as that progression would be “relying on others at first for their hope, then learning to create hope for themselves” versus Page of Life being someone incompetently acting out confidence and authority until they gain a truer understanding of it and become rulers in their own right
First impressions fit that very nicely
Vrissy I think genetically is actually meant to be like, Vriska’s true descendant? I think? Like how Aranea was to Vriska, they have that looking up to the other and modeling after their behaviors as a role model dynamic going on, so in all likelihood Vrissy is at least a Light player, but I guess in the troll’s case the class is more up to the individual in question, but Vrissy will no doubt be trying to act out her own Class through seeing the comparisons in Vriska’s Behaviour, same as Vriska Molded her image of Her Ancestor as Thief-like growing up despite Aranea actually being a Sylph, so we may get more clues to Vrissy’s class by seeing how Vrissy idolizes and embellishes what traits she sees in Vriska, so far, she seems to be focusing on how Vriska kills bad people and is straight to the point about it, so nothing really yet. Vrissy seems to be really acting confident around Vriska, but not sure if that’s because she doesn’t really think Vriska is all that cool, or she does and is trying to impress her (The latter being very Vriska behaviour lol)
“ VRISKA: If you want to keep Hanging Out, I mean. Which I assume you Do. “ comes to mind, so definitely think this is Vrissy’s behavioural attempt at wanting in with the Cool People. Try to clarify that she is wanted from the people she values without coming off as wanting to want it haha
Overall she is definitely quite confident and is very open with what she knows and what she doesn’t, suggesting perhaps a Page-y behaviour? we’ll see
it would be like, a perfect little mirror for Vriska to see a younger healthier more stable version of herself literally acting and being like the thing she used to hate and torment herself and others about
so yeah, intital classpect thoughts, really liking these so far:
Tavros: Maid of Hope
Harry: Rogue of Breath
Vrissy: Page of Light
Damn Vriska is gonna get so much emotional trauma whiplash from all the normalcy on Earth C “What do you mean they dont have incinerators at school? where do they put all the viciously murdered bodies??”
“There is something incredibly reassuring, Tavros thinks, about someone who has absolute outward confidence in themselves. The soothing lull of following a simple direction is so overpowering it blots out the logical part of him that knows this is, perhaps, the most outlandishly stupid succession of decisions he has ever made. “
Yeah it is pretty comfortable behavior for a Maid class that isn’t confident to be more confident being led by someone, then again that is also pretty normal behavior for someone who has been abused like Tavros has been.
Hmmm, We get into the nitty gritty of what trauma might do to a person’s classpect as well, assuming the system is more nurture based than predestined nature based. I still lean towards it being predestined nature based, you were always going to be who you ended up being etc Homestuck is just like that after all where Nurture is valued and is absolutely an influence, but with Nature being tied up in timelines and predestination, its just sort of already taking Nurture into account when it’s basing on Nature, Nurture is just inherently a part of Nature already and etc
Imode, Silas and Avril are all 5 letter names, wonder if theres any significance to that? I’m reminded of 5 being a number that pops up in Hiveswap a lot, wonder if it just means “Normal Human bullcrap” in symbolism terms
“JANE: Oh, Tavros, no!
JANE: He wouldn’t--
JANE: Tavros loves his Gamzee! Those rebels must have captured my sweet baby and corrupted his mind.
JANE: My family! My entire family!
JANE: This cannot go unavenged.“
good old Jane, man she is just gone full tilt into only valuing her own perspective of things, her own wants and needs and expectations and the fact that she doesn’t even have a hint of what Tavros’s real situation is like, and she’s already set up to disbelieve any attempt at reconciliation with him
“I’m not bad/evil, it’s everyone else that’s out to get me and my family, even my own family is out to get me.”
hah lol ending on Harry’s “o shit” is great
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seblore · 3 years
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everyday i wake up and you still havent posted your evermore rant </3
there u go boo 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩
GDBDNSKDJHHDDNDS GIRL................ ok so i very cleverly avoided ranking folklore because every song REALLY HIT and the whole album was just SO.. SO.. yeah. i can however rank miss evermore. i dont want to compare the two album i do not get the point in that. both give off really different vibes. now what i will say is with folklore, AS AN ALBUM, it is just a master masterpiece. The songs flowed amazingly with each other and really held you close the entire first listen. at least thats what I felt like <3 with evermore however, the individual songs are OMG!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NO SONG I DONT LIKE FROM ANY OF THE TWO ALBUMS. but as an album on the first listen i did feel a bit disconnected from evermore which didnt happen to me with folklore. why i think that might’ve happened is BECAUSE taylor is just so brilliant m8.... the MASSIVE contrasting emotions between the songs was too much for my little brain to handle.
Ok so now that’s out of the way dhsjsk time for rankings :) i have no idea where im going to put each song im just going to make it up as we go <3 ill ALSO give you my fave lyrics from each if I remember it <333 (oh and also you’ll notice marjorie isnt here. im sorry but i never listened to it after the first listen because it hits a little too close to home and i dont want to unpack all of that now im sorry! it is a beautiful song)
14. Closure: she popped off <3 she really said dont treat me like a situation that needs to be handled 💃🤙💯 a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics HOWEVER its the first song i couldnt connect with thus it’s down here BUT I STILL WOULD LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT THO... the last in my ranking but still fucks 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ thats taylor swift 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩
13. long story short: i have never been in a relationship ever BUT GODDAMN ‘pushed from the precipice, clung to the nearest lips’ hdjsksksjjddjnBbdns jddd ubebs!:!?:?:$3&39383$hzjs WOAH.... and this bitch really summarized the full 2016 drama with long story short it was a bad time. HILARITY. yeah not much to say here tho this is just the ‘at least one mandatory song to shake your tits to on each ts album’ song of evermore <3 and always remember that if the shoe fits walk in it TILL YOUR HIGH HEELS BREAK WOOH ANDIFELLDOWNTHEPEDESTALRIGHTDOWNTHERA—
12: dorothea: making a lark of misery :D RENt free. i had to listen to ‘if youre tired of being known for who you know you know youll always know me’ 113 times to finally understand it tho 😐 some of us are stupid and illiterate have you ever thought about that miss swift???? anyways TINGTINGTINGINGINGING THE STARS IN YOUR EYES SHINED BRIGHTER IN TUPELO <33333 such an innocent feel good song I LOVE!!!!!
11. ivy: the goddamn here and the hush of mirrorball ARE THE REASON IM STILL ALIVE 😽 another lyrical masterclass <3 ‘id live and die for moments that we stole on begged and borrowed time’ IS2G!!!!!!!!!!! anyways what if you cheated on your husband with me and i cheated on my husband with you and my pain fit in the palm of your freezing hands 😳 JK JK 😅 unless...... 🤪😏 hdjsks yeah this song is magnificently cursed and i am in love with it 🧎‍♀️
10. tis the damn season: this song is august but the other side of the coin. august but four months later. AUGUST SLIPPED AWAY LIKE A BOTTLE OF WINE- THE HOLIDAYS LINGER LIKE A BAD PERFUMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... she sounds so pretty goshhh! ‘time flies messy as the mud on your truck tires NOW IM MISSING YOUR SMILE hear me out we could just ride around and the road not taken looks real good now’ is on repeat in my mind. and as always the bridge ::::::::::::::.............:::::::::::::: how does she do this everytime. ‘and wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles im faking’ 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ after every ts song i listen my expectations about true love grows exponentially and my chances of finding true love falls exponentially simultaneously ADIEU.
9. willow: she really took the invisible string quartet and put it in huh..................... FUCKED IN THE HEADDDDDDDDDDDDDD. what can i say <3 its just such a pretty song <3 hashtag gorgeous hashtag i cant say anything to its face. WRECK MY PLANS!!!!!! WRECK IT BITCH!!! ‘wait for the signal and ill meet you after dark’ LOVE STORY WHIPLASH. also mate i cant even focus on the song she looks SO GOOD in the music video i—
8. happiness: !!!! what can i say.... one of the best songs of the album hands down. lyrical masterpiece AND musically rich. she really logged into tumblr dot com and typed out ‘THERE’LL BE HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’ AND ‘THERE WAS HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF YOU’ ARE IDEAS THAT CAN COEXIST and logged off...... h8 her and her insanity. the one word i have to describe this song is: picturesque. tis a picturesque song <3 oh and dfbhhffcbhDDVHHTRSDVJK when i heard ‘i hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you’ i audibly GASPED and then she says ‘no i didnt mean that sorry i cant see facts through all of my fury’................. i fell out of my chair. IT FELT LIKE AS IF SHE HEARD MY GASP AND TOLD ME SPECIFICALLY THAT NO SHE DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT... anyways yeah. ill write an article one day named THE SWIFT DECEPTION OF TAYLOR about how she keeps writing songs with deceptive titles and this will be the opening case 😈🤙 also the fact that this is one of my faves and i put it in number 8 says a lot......
7. evermore: i havent recovered from ‘motion capture. put me in a bad light’. i mean come on the whole goddamn song is a lyrical masterpiece. ‘writing letters addressed to the fire’. IS SHE OK!????????????? i think tf not. beautiful song beautiful arrangement. iver sounded really good too. and lol lol rofl WOOFWOOFbarkbark ‘HEY DECEMBER GUESS IM FEELING UNMOORED’ unmoored definition from google dot com: no longer attached. she doesn’t go back to december anymore. about2 faint oml. long story short: i did not survive. THIS PAIN WOULD BE FOR EVERMORE........ what i felt with this song is that she took the quarantine sadness we all felt at least once this year and made it into a masterpiece of a song. couldve been easily the top song on any album except this. no i will not elaborate <3
6. no body no crime: i cannot believe. she teased us with a musical number. this woman teased us with. a musical number. I THINK SHE IS WRITING A MUSICAL BUT I JUST CANT PROVE IT! when she wins that tony 16 years later call me prophetic xoxo. anyways yeah she literally wrote this to flex her storytelling abilities. send tweet 🐥
5. cowboy like me: YEEEHAWWW I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FULL SONG SOUNDS LIKE I JUST HAVE THE BRIDGE ON REPEAT!!!! OMFG!!! the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up. AAAA!! ??? STFU. IM NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS MATE THE WAY ITS SUNG!!!!!!! GUT WRENCHING! the best bridge she has ever written musically. i cant stop listening to it. REALLYYY DID BELIEEEVE I WAS THE ONEEE. STORIESSS ABOUT WHEEEN YOU PASSSEDDD THROUGHH TOWN. y e l l. and then she hits me with ‘now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon.’ L ???? M !!!!! A $$$$$ O “”””” i had to pause it and sit there for 10 minutes to take in what i had just heard. case closed critical hit sustained yeedhawd.
4. tolerate it: i cried. the only reason it’s not 1 is because it hurt me too much. WHAT THE FUCK YOU MF YOU ASSUME IM FINE BUT WYD IF I BREAK FREE AND LEAVE US IN THE RUINS???? TOOK THIS DAGGER IN ME AND REMOV— m8 this physically hurts me everytime. if its all in my head TELL ME RN. aghhh aRghhhhhhh. pain. and lol she broke down sleep to its bare essentials ‘breathing with your eyes closed’.
3. ??? coney island: i know it’s a bit of a controversial top three but WHO CARES 🕴this is solely here for ‘AND IM SITTING ON A BENCH IN CONEY ISLAND wondering where did my BABYy GO’ im shaking. my bed is shaking. my body is shaking. my pupils are shaking. THE WAY SHE SINGS IT OH MY GOODNESS ME i have to lie down gimme a sec. ‘and if this is the long haul howd we get here so soon 😟’ SCREAM. and when i was hearing it for the first time and she said ‘sorry for not making you my centerfold’ i was like yeah and?? so what?? and then she hits me with ‘over and over’...... so she didnt make him/her/them her centerfold over and over !!!!!!! she is sorry she didnt do it over and over!!!!!! mannn.... the chorus.. i shall not speak. i am held at gunpoint i CANNOT SPEAK. the bridge tho dhdnsksksjsb I CAN SPEAK AND I SHALL SPEAK. BITCH WENT OFFFFFFFF. <3 this is the apology she deserved from her exes which she never got so she wrote it herself. podium. grey skies. birthday cake. ACCIDENT. im laughingggggggggggg <///3 and yeah so overall it is a really yummy song with yummy vocals and yummy arrangement 9/10 would recommend. also!! life lessons kids life lessons. disappointments? SIMPLY CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PRETEND YOU DO NOT SEE IT YAAAAAAAAAS
2. gold rush: ETHEREAL!!!!!! The last time i felt like this™️ whilst listening to a song was with mirrorball <3 the production of this song omg omg omg LOVE 💃 but what propelled it to number two status was the ‘i dont like slow motion double vision in ROSE BLUSH/ i dont like that falling feels like flying till the BONE CRUSH’ imagine how fucked in the head a person needs to be to rhyme rose blush with bone crush. yeah i have nothing more to say really this song is extremely gorgeous and ‘eyes like sinking ships on water so inviting i almost jumped in’ / ‘walk past quick brush’ ?:!:!&:8483 F A V E <33333 and the transition transmission transfusion from ‘... gray old tea cuz itll never be ᵍˡᵉᵃᵃᵃᵃᵐⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʷⁱⁿᵏˡⁱⁿᵍᵍᵍᵍ’ MADAME
1. champagne problems: are we surprised? ARE WE REALLY SURPRISED? when listening to new albums i normally listen to it at one go in order. i stick to that rule. HOWEVER after many years of my solid album listening self made rule tm i finally broke and immediately replayed this mf song after listening to it once. ‘you had a speech, youre speechless/ love slipped beyond your reaches’???? stfu???? VILE. PUNISHABLE. DEROGATORY. and welp the entire bridge ...... .... ........... what can i say. And the parallels to miss all too well??? WHAT WAS THE REASON???? your SISTER splashed out on the bottle- left my scarf there at your SISTER’s house 😐 she’ll patch up your tapestry that i SHRED- maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you TORE it all up 😐 your MOM’s ring in your pocket- your MOTHER’s telling stories bout you on the tee ball team 😐 November flush and your FLANNEL cure- PLAID shirt days and nights when you made me your own 😐 wHAT A SHAME SHE IS FUCKED IN THE HEAD IS2G........... and also why would she not rhyme POCKET with LOCKET?????? why with wallet???????????? slant rhyme why????????????? AND THE NOTE THIS MF SONG ENDS ON..... FUCKED IN THE HEAD
THATS IT. i really sat here and did this for the past 2 hours huh...... hhdjsms anyways LONG STORY SHORT: I HATE ONE INSANE WOMAN AND HER NAME IS TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT. GODSPEEED 🏃‍♀️
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greatshell-rider · 4 years
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1, 7, 15, 27, and 40 for as many as you can answer them for
slappin this under a read more cuz i love rambling about my favs!
1. what’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?
tawa will find something to do. he is literally incapable of simply “doing nothing”. after even just a few seconds he’ll start picking at grass or poking his ear or idly think about a bird he saw this morning or whatever. perfectly sitting still and paying attention? that’s not in his vocabulary
washta can wait it out longer? if there is something/one to wait for. if there’s nothing nothing she is not gonna waste her time doing nothing and will get up to go do something productive. so, also can’t sit still with nothing to do for very long.
who else did i say. jerry! jerry’s fairly chill. in his character arc/story?? he’d rather have nothing to do lol
lani can sit still. she’ll be plotting tho
shadi is physically incapable of sitting still and doing nothing. no
cindy’s chill. ze’ll just sit and twiddle zir thumbs or whatever. that’s the farm life
sitting still? doing nothing? kilia would laugh at the very idea. unlike lani, she’s not plotting, she’s out there mcstabbin
7. what triggers nostalgia for them, most often? do they enjoy that feeling?
for tawa, anything from sunrises/sets to a flower to a mention of his best friend to a weird dream. anything even somewhat related to his past life/self is gonna send him back. that makes him moody/bit angry at where he’s at now so no he doesn’t particularly enjoy it
for washta, horse races/competitions, or hearing her tribe’s language, or going on a buffalo hunt. any activity that isn’t like,,,,,,,,,,,,,tied up with gods/spirits and crap, just normal everyday stuff she used to do as a kid/teen. she’s fond of those memories as long as she doesn’t think about her parents
jerry: chocolate, baseball caps, anything earth-related … . (he and lani travel through space and stuff but are from earth so) maybe like baking smells? bread, cookies?
lani doesn’t reflect on the past much, rarely if ever feels nostalgia for anything
shadi likes living in the present and also doesn’t reflect terribly much, but probs ponies and fishing will remind her of early childhood days with her father and mother
plants make cindy nostalgic, of zir days working the farm with zir parents, and ze’s fine/happy to think about that
flowers make kilia soft, ngl … she’ll enjoy it for as long as it lasts, then probably regret it rip
15. how do they speak? is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?
tawa has never given a thought to what he’s gonna say a day in his life. if he thinks it, he says it, unless he’s scared/intimidated. he often speaks too loud, and he’ll stutter/trip over his words if he’s anxious/alarmed, and he can often sound whiny or rude.
washta’s not the biggest fan of talking, especially to people and especially especially people she doesn’t know or like, and if someone asks her something she’ll probably sigh before responding. she’s tired and done but also tries to be at least a little nice/polite to everyone. she often comes off as aloof, blunt, and just has a vibe of “lets get this over with–hello, yes, no, goodbye”. rarely rehearses things in her head
jerry has a half-filter. he can keep most thoughts/reactions in his head (cuz fears of being made of/bullied/being seen as stupid has made him shut up over the years) but they’ll be on the tip of his tongue and if he’s feeling emotions that day they’ll tumble out. even if he doesn’t say something, it’s probably written all over his face so what’s the point of being quiet, really
lani likes pretending to seductive but also is a gremlin and so is just annoying as heck. she doesn’t need to rehearse cuz her brain works fast enough to come up with the perfectly irritating snide remark for the perfect moment. she knows exactly how to prickle feathers and that’s her favorite hobby!
shadi has very very little filter, and she only puts it on for use when talking to Important Officials or whatever. otherwise, why not let the world/everyone know exactly what you’re thinking!
cindy rehearses everything everything everything. ze have never said anything without considering it from every angle actually
kilia doesn’t need to put much thought into her words cuz she’s just angry all the time? angry and ready to fight so that’s her response to everything … she’s curt, derisive, always down to sneer. and glare! why bother with words when you can just embed your hatred into your opponent’s skull with your eyes
27. what causes them to feel dread?
if tawa has to do anything he doesn’t want to he immediately wants to die, and will let you know that
just mention politics or washta’s family or even a high spirit to washta and she’ll start dissociating rip her. she’ll also repress thoughts of the future cuz eww who wants to think about that
don’t talk to jerry about his sister. whatever she’s done, he doesn’t want to know!!
lani doesn’t feel dread, only opportunity and exploitation
shadi hates drills, any activity that is just the same action over and over again without variety or interaction with others. if she knows she’s going somewhere/doing something that requires being quiet she’ll want to slam her head against a rock repeatedly and might just do that
cindy would rather die than have to play a part or dress a certain way or plaster on a smile any more than ze usually have to. hates feeling fake, ya feel? if ze don’t feel that they can be zirself in a situation, ze’s gonna hate it
kilia is not a morning person
40. how sensitive are they to their own flaws?
if you critique tawa in any way he’ll either, one, throw a fit, two, go into denial, or three, cry
washta’s aware of her shortcomings and harbors a lot of self-loathing already, don’t worry, no need to reminder her. she might throw you a glare if you bring up a flaw/mistake, but then probably sigh and agree with you, apologize if it’s caused mishap
jerry beats himself up daily over his flaws and hates it when people notice how he falls short. sometimes he’ll freeze up, afraid he’ll fail and everyone will know. no he doesn’t want to talk about it
lani is not sensitive at all and will either laugh or fix her mistake flawlessly this time. she’s very aware of how people dislike her and uses it to her advantage
shadi’s sensitive. does not like having flaws so she works hard to be the best she can be, and hates it when she still fails, but tries to keep a forgiving mindset for herself, cuz that’s what she does for others. so she might be sad/displeased if you mention one of her flaws, and then work harder to fix that aspect, but if you bring up someone else’s flaws?? she’ll fight you. how dare you be mean
cindy is aware that ze don’t fit in exactly and that can make ze uncomfortable around “normal” people but ze is also pretty fine with zirself and zir flaws, accepts the parts of zirself ze don’t like, and moves on.
killia does not care. she doesn’t care about others’ opinions about her and barely spares a thought toward perceiving herself
thanks for the ask!! this was a party
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eliasdarkwood · 3 years
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I have a story for y’all. A story that ain’t finished yet. But I gotta write it down cuz it’s driving me nuts.
Last year, late summer or early autumn I believe, before I dropped fifty pounds and developed an eating disorder - a whole other story - I walked into one of the bigger supermarkets of my town looking like some creature that’s actually supposed to live far away from humanity in the woods and under no circumstances interact with other people. Unkempt and feral describes it best I think.
Reason was I’d been on a walk with my dog which explains my dirty baggy ass clothes. To make matters worse my hair was in that awful in between stage of growing out when you can’t really put it up in a bun but you can’t really wear it open either so it just … exists. Plus it was really greasy at the time.
And for some God forsaken reason, my cashier had to be one of the most attractive human beings I’ve ever seen, to this day. He was drop dead gorgeous. And he had a mask on, like everyone, so I couldn’t even see his whole face but still. Seeing him shocked me, genuinely shocked me. And for a moment I froze. Cuz usually the cashiers there are a bunch of weird old ladies with a few random equally weird and old men thrown in here and there. He didn’t fit.
And to make matters worse he saw the exact moment I just stopped working for a second. He saw it and then he looked at me.
Have you ever had someone look at you like that? Like they … like you’re something special, like you surprised them with nothing but yourself? You didn’t do anything special, you just are. It’s a wonderfully scary feeling because that’s someone looking at you and really seeing you.
And maybe I imagined it, maybe I didn’t, but this man, this fucking beautiful man, looked at me like that. Me, who looked like an idiot.
Now, in retrospect, I think it may have been my good mood that made me noticeable. A rare burst of self confidence if you will.
I’ve heard confidence is the key to everything, so maybe that’s true.
When he rang up my stuff I wanted to die, God was I nervous, and to top it all off when he was done he had the gall to wink at me, that motherfucker.
For a long long while after that I tried to guess when his work times were so I could do my shopping then, you know, like a stalker. It worked out sometimes but mostly didn’t. As it turns out, but I only know this now, he works there only two times a week for a few hours.
All this time I wanted to tell him I thought he was cute. I never really managed to gather enough courage.
And then life happened and he dropped off the radar.
I didn’t see him anymore. I lost weight and my self image changed. Suddenly people were interested in me or perhaps I started noticing only then. I had my first time and God was it disappointing. I obsessed over a different guy, an asshole who, for a moment, looked at me exactly like the cashier just with more want. It was greedy, the way he looked at me. Then mood swings happened like they always do when I get too close to people. Found out the guy who was my first sexual partner had developed a crush on me - a foreign concept to me cuz usually I’m the one with the crush. Didn’t work out cuz he makes me uncomfortable, we didn’t even try, thankfully. I started therapy. Turbulent times in other words.
And then suddenly he’s there again. And he’s there a lot.
And I’ve had enough. Maybe all the changes made me bold. I didn’t say anything tho. I posted something.
Where I live, there’s an app that you can use for a whole bunch of things - among those things: ‘spotting’.
It works like this. You see someone who catches your attention for some reason or other so you spot them. You say how they looked so people can recognize themselves and then you tell them what you want to tell them, whatever that may be. And it’s totally anonymous.
I spotted him. Told him I’ve seen him many, many times but was never brave enough to say anything.
And somehow, someone from that stupid supermarket saw my post and told him. What the person who told him then said to me is important. They said he’s in a relationship but he’s happy I think he’s cute.
I repeat: He has a girlfriend. But. He’s happy I think he’s cute.
I would’ve ended the whole thing there and been happy with it. I mean - I made his day a little better and that’s more than I ever thought would happen.
Forward five days and he replies to my original post saying he’s at work right now and I should come over. (At that time I doubted it was him, I did for a while but I know now that it was indeed him.)
And I’m like. The fuck.
I’d been shopping already so there was no point in going again but I would’ve if I could’ve convinced my mom to drive me. I couldn’t.
So he texts me in private, still anonymous. And he’s the kind of sweet you usually only find in AO3 fluff stories, you know - tooth rotting. We don’t text much but he says how adorable my post was and that I should just say something the next time I see him.
So, a few days later, when I’m drunk, I ask when he works there next. And he tells me. So when that time comes I go there to meet him, with my cousin for moral support and simply for the reason she’s visiting at the time.
I think I might’ve had a small panic attack. Couldn’t really breathe, legs wobbly af. The whole deal. But I managed to tell him that he’s cute right before I fled.
And then he texts me. Tells me he’s surprised cuz he hoped I was cute too but he hadn’t thought I’d be THAT cute.
I was living in a y/n story you see. And it continues like that. He told me he actually wrote a little something for me but he forgot to give it to me.
So I go there again a few days later and voila I have his number and a coffee date. The first real date of my life btw.
But.
Remember?
He’s supposed to have a girlfriend.
I don’t know how to broach the subject. I think I should.
I definitely should.
But how?
If mystery girlfriend is who I think she is she has the exact same name as me. Which makes the whole thing even weirder than it already is.
Is he considering cheating on her? Or is he simply fucking with me to have a good laugh about it afterwards? Is he even still together with her? If he isn’t, shouldn’t my name be … I dunno, a hindrance I guess. At least a little bit? Was he ever together with her?
I’m confused and don’t really know what to do. For now we’re not even friends, barely acquaintances. And until I know what the fuck is going on it’ll stay that way I think.
I hope it does.
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jaxxonpollux · 5 years
Text
notes for vivien during her whatever of whatever v3
hey pee brain
writing here makes me feel less bitter, and it helps me maintain some level aloofness i think. moreso than calling you twice a day and pining away like a ghost wife that passed away out on the cliffs, the moors or whatever, waiting for her sailor soldier husband to return. i know you're a sweetheart but sometimes you're a real pain in the butt too. a real heck and a half. and i'm not like, dumb. i know what busy is and i know phone calls can still be squeezed in even then, but business and time are never really the problem when this stuff happens. i know i don't make myself very easy to talk to, being a sassy emotional sack of old balls and all that, so i wouldn't expect you to either. just enjoy being where you are and living a big life again and i'll watch your cute butt as you leave the room.
that's like a real mad men thing to think and say huh? "boy oh boy i sure do love to see her leave a room!" even when you dress it up and disguise it, it still sounds piggish. something joan would narrow her eyes at, or at the very least give like that phony 1960s "i'll take that as a compliment, you dumb pig man" smile.
i don't know why i feel bitter. god why do i have my ceiling fan on? i'm freezing, it's been in the 50s here. anyway, i don't know why i feel bitter. it's a gross feeling, it really does make me feel like a ghost wife, like just haunting you from the past and trying to drag you back into the deep black water. very selkie actually. it's loneliness doing its evil things and whispering in ears and gnawing on hearts and making me reach out my ugly haunted hand and trying to either have you pull me out of the afterlife or pull you back in. i just spelt gnawing as "knawing," and it doesn't say that it's a typo, is this some secret alt word i've discovered? some special 4am word?
knaw
Verb
(third-person singular simple present knaws, present participle knawing, simple past and past participle knawed)
Archaic spelling of gnaw.
Verb
(third-person singular simple present knaws, present participle knawing, simple past knawed, past participle knawn)
Eye dialect spelling of know.
what the hell is eye dialect? it sounds like when people talk with their eyes "her mouth says no, but her eyes say YES"
"her mouth says no, but her eyes say KNAW"
or basil's wife perhaps, "oh i knaaawr." you gotta slap an r at the end there because they're british. anyway
writing gets real out of hand real fast at 4am y'know. and i'm writing this on my phone too, what kind of sick fuck writes his autobiography on his phone? that sounds like the kind of thing b would do, but i don't have any business knowing the kinds of things b would do
is there anything i actually wanted to say? i've been buying and drinking wines like a madman. i drank half a bottle in an afternoon when i was trying a new wine and my mom goes "that's a LOT of trying!" like not really tho. wine is a trap cuz you gotta drink it freshly corked or else you're fucked. you gotta share wine, i'm always trying to coax my mom into a glass or two so i don't feel stupid drinking it all by myself. i feel like how my mom used to describe my grandma (on my dad's side), taking her wine medicine every day because "it's healthy" or whatever. i really don't drink like that. i actually forget that there's alcohol in there because it never occurs to me. i've still never been drunk. i was possibly tipsy when we had two bottles in miami and we were sitting out on the smoking bench together, but even then i was just slightly louder and happy.
i've tried merlot, pinot noir, pinot grig, rose, sauvignon blanc, "laurel blanc," chardonnay and i've got a riesling on the way, stashed someplace. i feel such like a stereotypical college early 20s girl when i drink wine, like hmmm like the thing where they order fancy tasty alcoholic drinks at bars and stuff? where they can't taste the alcohol at all and get wasted really easily? not that i'm over here getting wasted, but i mean that i'm picky about flavors, like sometimes wine to me is just bad-tasting grape juice that burns a little and makes you want to burp. i popped open a chardonnay yesterday and the intense oaky "full-bodied" flavor kind of offends me. at the end of the day, i'm still just a real soda jerk at heart, like i wanna drink things that taste good. sugary snacks and orange juice and stuff. sarsparilla. wine tastes bad in comparison to most other beverages (like, let's just be real here for a second, all alcohol tastes worse than a sprite), but makes me feel more sophisticated is all, and i already drink bitter black teas to fill that niche in my life.
i'm more just drinking all these different wines to take a peek into a life i don't live, i think. try to understand people i know that drink wine a little better. i wrote about this before, getting to know you through the back door? watching abfab and fawlty towers and reading swamplandia, following in your footsteps, inching my way through the path you hacked through the jungle. like that scarjo alien movie (another example), living in your skin. why is it so impossible for me to talk about getting to know you without diving into some creepy stalker persona? i don't get it. i must be naive to my own creepiness. i have been called "a creeper," but only once in middle school, and i don't think i was doing anything creepy at the time. just standing somewhere looking sad and emo probably. people just called each other creepers back then left and right. it really is a hurtful term, considering i still vaguely remember it
anyway, i have no idea what you're doing in new york, why you're doing foot stuff with strangers, who you're hanging out with, how long you'll be there, why you can't ever think about me or call me or have any space in your life or in your thoughts for me and i have no idea why everything is so difficult and i have no idea about divorce or wine or new york in general really. and i'm just always over here baking 50 loaves of bread and 600 chocolate bavarians and dumping rainbow sprinkles and maraschino cherries into bowls and putting 350, 850, 1100 pieces of flourless chocolate cake on plates over and over again and checking instagram every time i walk through the halls because it's the only way i know you're not dead. and i know you're awake at 4am when i'm walking into work and i miss you and think of you then, when we're the only souls up at that hour, but then you get like 7 likes on your 4am instagram post and i realize that's actually bullshit and yeah. i'm a dumb jealous bitch, but only like, a little bit, and every person that comments on your instastuff i just imagine that it's somebody that lives in new york and is in your entourage and is more important to you and more interesting than i ever was and i should really just keep dumb mouth shut about everything.
i warned you i was a boring boy, and i warned myself too. you're out there living big again, cool people dragging you into cool big city cocaine club experiences, swapping stick and pokes and fur jackets and call girl stories, writing novels and shooting music videos and hosting parties where you get to avoid your guests and be in the vip back room... (my imagination is endless you see!)
and i'm like a dumb ducking small town country hick boy pining and sending senpai-notice-me pictures of rice krispy treats as if it's anything to sneeze at (it isn't), pretending like my baking or my pictures of clouds or cats is worth anything in your life, because i'm just fumbling and grasping at straws and presenting them to you, like hey look at these straws eh? pretty neat eh? wanna go out with me? i feel like that picture of that kid holding a bunch of roses out to rihanna. a reference which is apparently too dated to show up on google images, grumble
speaking of baking, i went to this japanese bakery the other day to inquire about a job opening and the girl there, well first of all it's really cute because all the girls there wear brown berets and brown overalls, but anyway the girl there said they have TWENTY bakers working there. TWENTY. i keep telling people this hoping for a reaction because apparently only a baker understands how bonkers this is. a small mom and pop bakery with TWENTY bakers. i mean, their stuff is pretty nice, and they do a wide variety of things, but i work at a place with three bakers and we make food for hundreds of people every day.
what else do i have to say, hmmm... i feel like i dropped the ball on the whole self-loathing thing really early, like those couple of paragraphs up there are really more of a finisher but whatever. i'm just rambling, just ranting, just stream of conscious jack kerouac jacking myself off and it's honestly just fine, i don't gotta organize this any particular way do i? nah
but like, don't take any of this stuff too seriously (but do if it makes you like feel really bad for me and miss me or whatever heh), everything is a fleeting thought or feeling nowadays, some times are better than others. some days i text you simply because i wanna share something with you and i'm thinking of you, real simple, and i don't even think about how dumb and bitter i can get, but other days i just want to give up on you and crawl back into my haunted lake and stop trying and kill myself or hurt myself or at the very least make desperate phone calls to people i used to talk to and make myself feel relevant again. but eh. what a soap opera. i like how you think YOU'RE crazy when i'm like just a pile of flesh filled with howling, howling winds, like i'm a real fucking whirlwind in here, a real wuthering heights crazy animal sex energy in here. haunting away from my creaky old miasma mansion. i'm just full of sludge, i'm the swamp and trump never drained me, turns out.
anyway, like i said don't take it too seriously, i'm ok. i'm only flexing muscles, really, but i do miss you, and probably will forever, because i don't think we'll ever be Together Like That. which is fine but it also sucks. "don't you forget about me"
hey also if you happen to read this prior to halloween, or at all, send me some songs for a playlist i'm putting together for no particular reason. i listen to it at work. i've been in a real halloweeny mood even though i never have time or any reason to dress up. but i do all the other stuff, i carve pumpkins and wear candy corn socks and do generally love the season. nobody ever sees it, but i do love the season, i just never share my love with anybody the way i wish i could. just don't send like, the marilyn manson version of i put a spell on you or whatever, unless it's really good, i didn't actually look into it.
sincerely,
from out here on the moors,
the other brian
p.s. just in case new york actually really sucks for you right now and is really not fun or exciting and you are actually feeling very rotten and lonely, i do aplogize profusely! my imagination runs too fast for me to catch up sometimes. just always missing you and always beating myself up. i hope i don't ever rub you the wrong way. https://youtu.be/UDhmnoBVYlQ
p.p.s. 11am now, just wanna say i stand by this big black chunk of coal letter, except i didn't want it to be quite so angry and bitter. your business is your business and i'm silly for assuming i need to be included, as per, i'm really not as desperately invested as i come off. i feel stripped of a friend maybe, but not helpless hopeless careening into a black hole or anything. stay warm stay safe, i'm here when you need my brand of friend again, but i'm gonna make a concerted effort to stop prying. xo
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