#my emotions are fluctuating too much too fast

[cy-cyborg]

Hi! I'm trying to include autistic and/or ADHD characters in my stories but I'm afraid I'm not doing a good job. I'm neurotypical, so I fear I might find myself using stereotypes and that's not my intention. Do you have any tips? Thank you in advance, have a nice day!

Ok, so personally I have a lot of trouble coming up with advice for auDHD (autism + ADHD) because, well, the spectrum of experience is so large and there isn't a lot of consistency within the community in regards to what is considered good representation vs just stereotypes. There's a few outliers, like every one I know has agreed Sia's movie "Music" is offensively bad lol, but pretty much everything else I can think of is less clear cut. Generally though, if you want examples of media portrayals of autism done well, avoid anything from or connected to Autism Speaks. They are not a reliable source.

I only really have 3 suggestions:

decide what level of support your character needs. Support needs for autism are variable and they can fluctuate throughout a person's life, but typically, people will fit into one of 3 categories. In Australia it's Level 1, Level 2 and Level 3 with Level 1 is defined as generally being low-support needs, and level 3 being generally very high support needs. Of course, it's a spectrum, so there's massive amounts of variably person-to-person, but as an author, it can be a good idea to pick one of the levels, because you'll typically find more specific information about how autism will present.

Find content creators (as in multiple) with both Autism and ADHD. It's a good idea to listen to the community directly, but when you're writing an AuDHD character in particular, you do need to be aware that those autism and ADHD can play into one another or in some cases, can cancel some traits of each other out (kind of). But it'll be different from person to person. They are very distinct disabilities, but they have some unusual interactions it's vital to be aware of. Ideally, you'll also want to try find auDHD people in the same age range and who are the same gender as your character. Different generations and age groups will treat AuDHD differently, and while It's not a hard and fast thing, both autism and ADHD manifest differently in men and women because of how we are socialized and raised (this applies to trans and nonbinary people too, they'll typically take on traits associated with the gender they were usually raised as, but not always. Personally, I showed a mix of both, but my traits do align more with the typical presentation of AuDHD in girls). Just a little side note, not every person creating content about Autism/ADHD is open to working with authors. Find content creators, listen to them, but don't ask them about your character specifically unless they have stated somewhere that they're open to helping with that kind of thing.

Find sensitivity readers and sensitivity consultants for autism and ADHD. A sensitivity reader goes over your manuscript once the draft is done, but consultants help you from even earlier on in the process. If you're worried about not doing the community justice, this is the best way to go. People online like myself can offer generalized advice, but SR's and SC's will be able to go much more in-depth with you and help you fix moment-to-moment issues in your story.

Some additional things to be mindful of as well when looking up further resources:

Both Autism and ADHD can make it difficult to regulate tone and emotion. This means you are likely going to get information from the community at some point that might not be easy to hear and you're not going to like how its presented to you lol. They're going to be blunt and maybe even "rude". It's not personal (usually lol) but don't expect everyone to be polite, and don't only take criticism from those who are. Tone and emotional regulation is literally a part of both disabilities for a lot of us, and this is a topic a lot of us have strong feelings about to begin with.

I mentioned it already, but avoid taking advice from anything connected to or directly from Autism Speaks.

Social media tends to favor low-support-needs folks, so you'll find info about them, from them, much easier. Even if you're writing a LSN character, be mindful of that bias

Be wary of anyone claiming autism/ADHD is a superpower unironically. This is one of those things that's said by a lot of lower support needs folks and is often a warning sign that they might hold harmful beliefs about other parts of the community and could give you bad info. Just again, something to be aware of when researching.

#disability #disabled #writing #writeblr #writing disability #neurodivergent #adhd #autistic #autism #audhd

[kazcreates]

Once again asking for your head canons of BPD Kaz and Bipolar Jesper

i honestly love your headcanons for these characters /gen

BPD Kaz who has extreme mood swings. He can go from content and friendly, to cold and angry in a matter of seconds, over the slightest triggers. Gets better at regulating those extreme emotions over time. He has a very strong fear of abandonment, what with losing his mother at a young age, then his father when he was eight, then Jordie. Didn’t really have a chance to develop a good attachment style. He has a tendency to push people away, despite wanting them to stay. Inej leaving to fulfill her purpose was probably one of the hardest things ever and it’s difficult for him to remember/trust that she’s going to come back every time she leaves. His self-esteem fluctuates a lot but it’s usually on the lower end, and he has a tendency of splitting on himself. Thankfully, Jesper is usually there to comfort him through just his general presence and through their Soulbond.

Bipolar Jesper who has more highs than lows. Impulse spending and the gambling gets even harder to resist when he’s manic. When he is manic, Kaz takes control of all of their money and financial decisions. During those highs, he doesn’t sleep much, as he doesn’t feel the need to and his mind is going far too fast, so he’ll stay up with Kaz, who is an insomniac. If Kaz is overstimulated by Jesper’s hyperactivity, Jes will usually go hang out with Wylan or Nina, or even go work out with Matthias to do something with all of that energy. During his lows, he can get hopeless fast, so he and Kaz have a system set up so that he’s never alone during those episodes. Those days are usually spent with lots of physical contact and simple activities, like watching movies, baking treats, etc. Something that will get him out of bed and distract his mind. If he and Kaz are both struggling, they call over their friends for a little assistance.

(These headcanons are based on my experiences with both disorders)

#kaz brekker #six of crows #grishaverse #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #nina zenik #inej ghafa #matthias helvar #six of crows fanfic #soulbounduniverse #six of crows headcanons #soc headcanons #bipolar Jesper Fahey #Borderline Kaz Brekker #actually bpd

[krashoutluv]

How different are Comic! Jason and AK! Jason when it comes to their personality?

Comic!Jason is … Comic!Jason. A lot of his internal conflicts won’t pour out into the real world as much as Ak!Jasons does. He has his depressive/derealization episodes but he also is able to get out of them when it gets too bad. He’s better at figuring out maintaining his emotions but still needs emotion guidance. He’s a lot more direct with his emotions with someone he trust. Comic!Jasons biggest issue is his self-destructive tendency. He has little care for any pain inflicted on himself, and barely cares for his own needs. He can also be super hard-headed, its hard to break him out of habits. He needs someone to ground him and set his head straight. Comic!Jason has a hard time trusting but is still a softie. He’s a lot more bold in a relationship and when he opens up hes like a funny little social butterfly, hes very attentive and a natural care-taker. A nerd who likes to get drunk and read you old romantic poetry. A nerd who rides you on the outskirts of gotham and yap about literally anything. A nerd who hasn’t touched a video game since he was 15 so absolutely sucks ass at mario kart. CERTIFIED LOVER BOY ALERT 🚨 ‼️

Ak!Jason is.. ak!jason. A buttload of his issues come from his traumas. He doesn’t know how to express himself without getting extremely frustrated either at himself or whatever his mental gymnastics have him believe. He’s very bad at maintaining his own emotions and needs a fuckton of emotional guidance. MASSIVE TRUST ISSUES. He’s very indirect and often isolates himself if under too much emotional pressure. Ak!Jason has a bunch of insecurities, not just is body but more so of his mind, he always has conditioned himself to be winning in some sort of way so he takes a lot of negative things very harshly. He also has high fluctuating emotions, lots of emotional meltdowns, and is extremely paranoid. Ak!Jason is a lot harder to be in a relationship with… my high maintenance wife… He again, doesn’t trust easily, and takes him literal years to have trust in someone. BUT he’s still but a boy at heart, he likes going to arcades, eating fast-food at 3am, he likes the mundane, starts craving it after awhile. If you know how to handle him, he’s an extensive high-rewarding lover to have. ak!jason who learns how to live a lovely little life >>

#skullkidwithsunglasses #krash responds to u #i ramble about arkham knight heheheej #i ramble about jason todd ehhdhdd #i ramble about comic jason hehehe

[itsclydebitches]

Since Ruby took like, ten second of self-doubt and some major (but overall shor) torture before just committing suicide, I can't help but think she must have had these feelings for years, buried deep down. It's eitehr that or the Ever After massively amplifies feelings. Or the writers are just hacks who cannot hack it. Thoughts?

I'm 95% "The writers don't know how to tackle a subject this sensitive and gave us such an extreme reaction for the drama" and 5% "There's a little evidence to suggest that this has been plaguing Ruby for at least a couple of days, but that still requires the audience to basically headcanon a conflict that never truly existed on screen." I say there's a little because Ruby was obviously stressed during Volume 8 too (which, again, only covered about 48 hours), however, I don't think that serves our Volume 9 arc well because:

Ruby is concerned with totally different stuff now. In Volume 8 she was upset over the confirmation that Salem knew Summer and the theory that she killed her as a result of her grimm experiments. Ruby is also frustrated that they rejected Ironwood's plan, but for two-ish days no one was able to come up with something better: "Then nothing has changed! We’re in the exact same spot we were yesterday. Arguing what to do while the Kingdom waits to die." While certainly connected to the overall repetition of Ruby throwing herself into situations that she then can't easily resolve, it's notable that she's not upset that she hasn't come up with a solution, but that the group hasn't. This is not presented as Ruby buckling under leadership because, frankly, no one is expecting her to lead. She chooses to make choices like starting the Ace Ops fight, but beyond that she's looking to others to problem solve, as Jaune, Oscar, and Ozpin do by Volume's end. So Volume 8 gives us "I'm crumbling under the knowledge that Salem killed my mom and I'm annoyed that we, as a group, haven't solved this horrific, time-sensitive problem." Then Volume 9 gives us, "I'm not thinking at all about Mom - look at me give up a keepsake of hers without a second thought! - and I'm crumbling under this sudden belief that everyone has always demanded that I solve all our problems." It's hard to say this has been building for a long time when what Ruby is stressed about keeps changing from Volume to Volume, even episode to episode. We start Volume 9 with her faltering due to Penny's death, but her breakdown comes about due to leadership. It's all too muddled to say this has been a years long problem in the making.

Much more simply, my second issue is that Ruby (like many other characters) doesn't keep consistent in her emotions either. Not just about what she's upset over, but her actually being upset. Volume 8 presented her mini-breakdown as something Ruby overcame - she gets upset on the staircase, but then they do come up with a plan and save "all" of the Kingdom, acting confident in their execution of this rescue - and though there's a major setback in regards to them falling/losing the Relics, Ruby only takes a second to cry about that then she becomes a part of Volume 9's early gags. Yes, her depression increases as the Volume goes on, getting more extreme the closer we get to her drinking that tea, but considering how much she's fluctuated and that her time in the Ever After has only been a day or so... that's too much too fast to justify her suddenly attempting suicide. All told, the content with ANY evidence from Ruby's depression covers about 4 days, maximum.

So yeah, I think RT massively dropped the ball on this one, though as always this is an easy situation for fans to project on. Anyone happy with RWBY's writing can easily headcanon that yeah, she's been feeling these emotions for an age - she must have because otherwise the suicide attempt doesn't make sense and RT wouldn't write something that doesn't make sense. See how that logic works? - and every moment that's even somewhat relavent can be re-read as a supposed buildup, regardless of what Ruby was upset about or whether she was presented as bouncing back almost immediately.

Plus, the nature of mental health means that ANY characterization technically fits. Ruby is bubbly all the time? Well, people with depression learn to hide it and overcompensate. Ruby appears to immediately bounce back? Again, she's playing a part. She was upset about thing A and then that changed to thing B and now we're on thing J? Don't you understand how all of this compounds and it's the sheer, overwhelming nature of everything she's been through that resulted in this? Because we understand that in real life depression is a complicated, often silent beast, people are tempted to map that onto the story, thereby justifying any version of the arc that we end up with. There's technically no wrong way to write it because there's no "right" way to be depressed. My problem is that this isn't real life. It's a story and we have expectations for how stories will differ from reality in order to serve their function as compelling entertainment. I don't want to go, "Oh, well Ruby was obviously grappling with depression this whole time and it was just hidden from us because that's one realistic means of depicting it. How many times has someone said, 'I had no idea' after learning about a suicide attempt?" But Ruby is our protagonist, the perspective through which we experience the entirety of the show, so keeping this hidden from the audience doesn't do anything except make it come across as a badly written, arguably insensitive arc. This is not real life. Ruby is not a real person with real feelings she may consciously or unconsciously be keeping from others. Ruby is a fiction whose purpose is to convey something to us, the audience, which means that outside of deliberate twists, a story that goes, "This was always occurring, you just never got to see it on screen" is rarely going to have that come across well.

#rwde #rwby #mymetas #suicide tw

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

2

taken from this ask game!

2.) show us a picture of your handwriting?

funky question lol.

okay so like i had to search in my journal and was trying to figure out what to show.

below is a poem i wrote a LONG while ago. im like- proud of it. its emotional and important to me because of it being apart of my healing process from someone (yeah quite literally the same person i always bring up. its like almost 4 years of lore, what do u expect???). might be a BIT fuzzy because my phone camera is ASS so ill translate it.

insomiac bones clubbing the embers alive waiting by the door if not what lingers my heart frays at the sight of your face an impossible promise to my wrist dying twice in a single breath fearful confidence, simple complexity you tease me with hatrid, mournful relief ask me what im running from like the smoke that lines your lungs you take my life in your fist curse me like the sun, just like tomorrow i scream so loud how much im right it's such a shame you wont change lay down in the grave beside me if never to rest in peace, my love drowns me blood magic down my shirt sleeves the things i fear only happen in the end what i run from chooses me the darkness silences the light within the faith undying i kill you again and hope you leave all you ever do is haunt me let my soul rest, it was never yours something so empty and meaningless mangaged to exist past ashes take your time changing, i dont want to talk you arent a medicine, more over a chemical imbalance and i justify you like an addiction even with how much you killed me

my handwriting fluctuates a bit too. sometimes when i write fast, it's really messy (or with certain pens)- like it looks different from this. or when im consciously trying to be neater, it's like the above example or slightly even more legible. more so smaller if anything.

not that it never looks like MY writing but theres significance between the two because it can be HARDER to read (not impossible if you understand how i write things-) but its different.

anyway most of that journal is fic spoilers or half-baked ideas so i had to flip a bit :).

#thanks for the ask!!! #anon ask #ask games #billys replying to asks

[maslows-pyramid-scheme]

i was on continuous birth control for like 4 years and when i got off it recently, i was almost in denial about the fact that my hormones had an impact on my mood bc of how much i’d seen tims end up basically insulting and infantilizing and sexualizing whatever emotions they THINK they have as a “period.” like i still feel weird acknowledging it even though it’s totally true and totally normal for ur mood to fluctuate with ur cycle. just bc ive seen it so often used to be misogynistic by men when i was younger (women are too emotional to be president! what if she’s on her period and blows up a country!!?) and now it’s circled around to “progressives” saying a period is literally just crying and being horny and random stomach cramps. like am i going insane.

If you don't mind me asking, what was your experience with your emotions on and off continuous BC? I found that, after that initial 3-month-depression, it completely subdued my mood (which was a good thing, I'm prone to mood swings and intense feelings of anger etc).

It's so frustrating/offensive when TIMs do it, heart-breaking when TIFs and female gendies do it, and it makes it so much harder for us to discuss what 'normal' and 'abnormal' emotions are - it actually reminds me of the 'women are just as strong, fast, and enduring as men' narrative in the 90s/early 2000s, which, although well-intentioned, has made it difficult to discuss female sports now.

#i remember 'clinton will get pms - despite being out of that age range - and nuke another country' jokes #and the 'i'll never trust someTHING that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die' #anon

[softprince--moved]

Alternatives to "Nonverbal"

For Kiddos/Carers or anyone else who has nonspeaking episodes!

It's very common in Regression and Dreaming circles to hear the phrase "I go nonverbal" or "I have nonverbal/semi-verbal episodes." I myself have used these!

However, it's come to my attention that this is misuse of the terms Nonverbal and Semi-verbal; These terms were intended to refer not to periodic situations, but to a permanent state of being for some Autistic individuals. Though some Autistic individuals don't mind, or even use non/semi-verbal this way as well, I still think it best to respect the words' original purpose and find a different way to refer to non-speaking episodes.

Originally, I shared these in a reblog, but it's best for it to be its own post, so here they are!

The Verbality Spectrum

Low Verbality — alternative to "non-verbal" Meaning: unable to verbally communicate; may be able to make audible sounds, or could be completely mute

Partial Verbality — alternative to "semi-verbal" Meaning: can verbally communicate, but with a great deal of effort; or, are able to verbally communicate, but with (for lack of a better word) quirks (eg, using gestures or noises for some words; speaking in quotes or lyrics; one-word sentences; etc)

Level Verbality — alternative to "fully verbal" Meaning: basically the "normal" or "baseline" setting; able to verbalize and communicate without difficulty

High/Extreme Verbality — alternative to "hyperverbal" Meaning: almost non-stop verbality, when words come out too fast to be coherent, there's no filter to what is being said, and/or similar "too much words" kind of circumstances.

Fluctuating Verbality — alternative to "Verbalflux" Meaning: having verbal capability that fluctuates (eg, times where one's able to verbalize with no effort, other times unable to verbalize at all, and other times experiencing an abundance of verbality, etc; it's different for everyone) [Note!! : this is already used synonymously with Verbalflux which, to my understanding, mainly applies to system/plural alters? I'm not entirely certain; see verbalflux on pluralpedia]

Disclaimer I don't claim these terms as my original idea! I'm fairly certain some, if not all, have been thought of and/or used before!

References - this post by notabled-noodle, which is what brought the issue with saying "go nonverbal" to my attention - my reblog of that post, which is where I first shared these alternatives

Resource - Custom discord emotes of these terms, by blackholeemojis

#verbality #age regression #pet regression #age dreaming #pet dreaming #noncom cglre #noncom petre #noncom agere #nonverbal #helpful stuffs

[gamerbearmira]

More Mario au please?

No.

HA. JUST KIDDING. Pepa and Felix because. I love them so much. By the way this us my third time trying to post this. TUMBLR LET ME POST MY PEPA AND FELIX CONTENT

les get it

_____

Pepa was helping some of the Koopas around her mamas castle for the big party the next day. It was Camilo's 11th birthday, as well as the party revealing his adult form. While the party for his birthday had already been planned, his reveal party was a little unexpected. Right after dinner as he was going to bed, he had literally gotten his final form.

But Pepa didn't mind. In fact she was ecstatic! She had been waiting for Camilo, worried it wouldn't happened, but then remembered what her mama said about them not developing as fast as a Koopa or Boo might.

And besides, she knew her father would be jumping off the walls. He had to leave early on some kingdom business, so he wasn't there to see it happen, but Pepa knew he would be happy regardless. Bruno had gone to tell him the news and she knew he would coming rushing back once he heard.

Camilo was a ghost type variant, a goop of some sort. He was not only able to freely disappear and reappear and occasionally fly, but he could shift to look like different people as well.

Pepa was carrying a box of party supllies when she passed by her oldest sons room. She backtracked, peeking in. There on the bed was Felix---he had little Antonio in his arms, with Dolores and Camilo curled up next to him. She smiled at the scene.

"Papa?" Camilo asked, looking up at Felix and Pepa pulled back, not wanting to be seen.

"Si hijo?" Felix said, looking down at the boy.

"Do you think mami is pretty?" The boy asked and Pepa's eyes widened.

"Well of course. I think she's very pretty," he chuckled. "Beautiful even." Pepa blushed and floated for a moment but quickly fixed her gravity, knowing that she might accidentally cause a mass floating incident...again.

"Is that why you're always together?" Camilo questioned again and Felix laughed.

"Yup, that's part of it. But I also love your mami very much. She makes me happy. She's very caring but also very strong too," Felix explained, gently petting Dolores' curls. "And I hope that I make her just as happy as she makes me."

Felix continued to talk to Camilo, going on about how amazing Pepa was and how much he loved her. How he thought her gravity powers were rather fun and didn't mind it when her emotions accidentally triggered the gravity to fluctuate.

Pepa leaned up against the wall, just beyond the door and out of sight. She was blushing and tearing up, listening to her husband speak about her. She was just barely holding herself to the ground, smiling widely.

Readjusting her grip on the party supply box, rushing off to help decroate the party room for the next day. What she didn't see was Felix smiling as he clung onto his three kids, floating above the bed.

-----

I HOPE YOU LIKED THIS THEY'RE SO SILLY <333

Pepa and Felix are. So neat. Like. All the couples. Cool, Warm and Gold. I love them all so much. And can you tell Felix knew Pepa was there. He was totally indirectly telling her that stuff <333

Me when they:

#my asks are open #my asks #encanto #encanto au #au #encanto antonio #encanto camilo #encanto dolores #encanto pepa #encanto felix #encanto super mario au

[fakesurprise]

A Choice Of Names

There are six of them, the kind of people who have guns and think that is their badge, chasing a kid who isn’t a kid. I think one of them is aware the kid is moving too skittish, too fast. In ways people don’t. I don’t think any of them would care.

They don’t notice as I clear the fence, not until I’m between them and the kid.

The kid looks to be young, panting behind me, the temperature fluctuating in the alley as something not human tries to retain a human form. Even vampires are dangerous when cornered; I don’t know what this kid is, but that’s not my concern.

“Stop.”

The six slow. Four men, two women. Staring at me in confusion.

One of them men steps forward. His eyes are focused on the kid, aware the world isn’t quite how other people tell themselves it is. “Who are you?”

I know how young I am, but I’ve learned to not hide how little it matters. Power recognizes power.

“I am the wandering magician. Which means you back off.”

The kid behind me stops gasping and I think relaxes slightly.

I snap my fingers, and the ears of the six humans in front of me pop painfully. A trick, but enough to shake them.

Two of them behind the leader raise their guns, and I reach into the streets below me, the power around me.

“Stop,” I order them, and feel them stagger under the word as it slows their will.

It doesn’t stop the two guns from going off.

But something else moves, impossibly quick, and bullets are gone.

The kid is still behind me, the temperature freezing with his fear and –

A voice behind me. Calm, casual. Human.

“You just tried to kill someone. Fear does that. It can also make you better people: make a choice.”

They run, scattering from the alleyway toward vehicles, their power broken by the reality it would engender.

I turn, and the kid is now smaller, covered in something like fur that shifts and moves. There is another boy beside him. This boy is eleven, and gives the kid a hug they vanish into. There is no other word for it.

A man is standing behind them both, somehow having blended into the background of the world despite the force of his words moments ago. He is barely taller than I am, and looks ordinary enough except he has eyes that miss nothing, and they’re drilling into mine.

I reach for the magic, and nothing happens.

The boy was eleven. I just knew that. “Oh, shit.”

“Not many magicians claim to be me,” the wandering magician says mildly.

I step back. I don’t run. This is my town. I am the town, it is me. And he just claimed the magic and I didn’t even notice.

“That is not wise. I have a reputation. I also have enemies that have caused that,” he says. “The only reputation you can trust is your own, made from your choices: the magic won’t trust you if you aren’t you. The town will only give so much.”

And he holds out a hand, and there is a flicker like dead starlight than is then everything rainbows are, not just what they seem.

A sound comes out of me.

Electricity runs through my body. Emotions. Knowledge. The entire town is in my head, for a moment, before I close my senses I am spread further than I thought I could ever be, pulled in directions and towards incidents I never knew of.

“The wisdom comes with time, to the extent that it comes at all.” The wandering magician smiles. “Using my name like that against something from Outside might work, once. Or give you pause enough to run away. Using it on people who barely know the subtle world exists is at best unwise.”

“Some stories claim you’re a woman,” I mumble.

He chuckles, eyes dancing. “I do need to let Charlie know that. But I am not. Is there a reason you don’t want to be you?”

“My name is Karen.”

The magician blinks. “....and?”

“If I use the power of a magician’s voice, with my name, it doesn’t work.”

“Why not?”

I blink. Blink again. “Karen is used as slang for rude women mouthing off to managers. It’s complicated.”

He cocks his head to the side. “Ah. I’d never heard of that. There is far more to being a magician than that trick; it’s a good one to use, but no trick is wise to use too often.”

“I’m a small city, and that’s a trick?” I demand.

“One of the best ones, but yes. Jay?”

The boy appears again. Somehow still human to all my senses even though he can’t be. So very eleven, and his grin is everything magic wants to be, and something no magic can protect against. Innocence and wonder and joy wrapped up and unwrapped all at once. “I helped the elemental, Honcho. It is back at home and –.” and a location is in my head, that wasn’t there a moment ago. “– and and Karen can help it. It graduated the Deep School two weeks ago and got a bit lost and isn’t sure about the universe yet. But I said you could help.”

“I – thank you?” I manage.

Somehow, the boy’s grin is wider. “That’s a really good binding then,” he says proudly. “Also, Charlie is waiting back at the hotel so I’ll tell her that you’re okay?”

“I am,” the magician says, and Jay vanishes again.

“The elemental likely needs help.” The magician pauses. “And Jay is not always the best source of that.”

“He is – a lot,” I say weakly.

“He is. I try not to be, but sometimes I am as well. And I can do things other magicians can’t, and have done things which no one should. Don’t use my name again, please.”

I nod. “I won’t.”

His smile is entirely ordinary as he steps back. Then pauses. “Karen. How odd. I should be glad the name for people like that isn’t Charlie....” and he stares off into space for a long moment. “Ah.”

“It was Charlie once?” I ask, confused.

“Jay changed it. I doubt he even noticed.” He sighs. “Fixing that might be beyond even the fae by now, but do what you can on your own. Stories have the power we give them, and we have the power to change them.”

I nod. The wandering magician steps back, into shadows that aren’t shadows, vanishing to a hotel I don’t recognize.

I draw a deep breath in. I let it out. I feel the city do the same.

And I head back to my bike, to take a trip to visit an elemental. It could use a friend.

I’m hoping to gain one.

#writing #prose #magician series

[whentherewerebicycles]

weight talk below the cut!!

[insert standard caveat that no one has to lose weight or feel pressure to lose weight, everyone gets to make decisions about their own bodies, and choices I make about my body are not an implicit judgment of anyone else’s choices!]

I’ve been working for three years—literally almost to the day—to slowly lose weight and keep it off through sustainable long-term lifestyle changes. three years ago this week I was at my highest weight I’ve ever been and was having all kinds of health irritations that I thought were just the result of turning 30/getting older (I now think they were the result of an extremely sedentary lifestyle combined with fairly heavy drinking combined with a really bad processed food diet). anyway I won’t rehash everything as I’ve def written at length about it before but I started eating a whole food plant-based diet and trying to consistently get an hour or more of physical activity every day. it’s sometimes felt like sloooow going, esp compared to the short-term results I used to get with crash dieting (where you’d lose a bunch of what was almost certainly just water weight by starving yourself, only to rocket right back up to your starting weight or higher within a couple weeks or months). but I’ve made changes to my diet and lifestyle that now three years later just feel like a rock solid part of how I eat and plan my day, and I feel the benefits of them so strongly (and the negative effects when I’m traveling or out of my routines and can’t do them) that I think they’re just like… permanent now. best of all I feel like I’ve spent the three years negotiating ways to be flexible around food so I don’t feel all those strong bad feelings of guilt/shame or deprivation that used to characterize my entire relationship with eating. I can make a cake and eat it without feeling like I have to atone for it afterwards. I can be adaptable when I’m traveling while feeling confident that I’ll be able to reestablish healthy routines once the temporary disruption is over. I can calmly regulate my own emotions around food and make good decisions that will make my body feel good too. and even though losing weight happens really slowly, I track it pretty carefully and that helps me see that 1) it’s a steady downward trend and 2) my weight fluctuates significantly less than it used to, which I think means that I’m basically very slowly lowering my ‘resting weight’ (ie the equilibrium weight my body hovers around even as I fluctuate a couple pounds in either direction throughout my cycle). and that is very cool to see!

May 2020: 199 lbs

May 2021: 183 lbs

May 2022: 175 lbs

May(ish) 2023: 169 lbs

I could probably ‘lose faster’ if I restricted calories more, but I don’t want to! a lot of the research says people can lose up to 1-2 lbs a week for sustainable weight loss but that just hasn’t been my personal experience—if I lose too fast by restricting too much, it comes back and the temporary loss doesn’t seem to shift that resting weight baseline for me at all. whereas losing at this rate (less than a pound per month, but with a slooooow steady downward trend) seems to give my body time to readjust and accept the slightly lower weight as its new normal. this is totally unscientific and purely just personal opinion lol but I feel like, we know that the body doesn’t like change and is always trying to reestablish and maintain homeostasis… so in my mind it’s like well if I bring the weight down so, so gradually maybe my body doesn’t really register it as a change it needs to adjust for. anyway I don’t really care about why it works but it’s working for me.

I don’t really set goals around weight loss anymore (or I’m trying not to) because I don’t want to view it as like, a competition with myself that has a clear end goal, but I think bringing my resting weight to somewhere in the 150-160 range would be ideal for me… I have that sturdy Italian + Irish peasant stock build lol I’m not meant to be waif thin nor do I aspire to be. but 150-155ish is a weight I’ve felt very good/healthy at before and in the longer term (like 1-3 years) it’s the place I’d like to get to. I feel like sustainably losing 50 lbs and making lifestyle changes to keep it off is actually a huge fucking deal and if it takes me six years or so to do it that feels kinda right to me… like of course doing a complete and enduring overhaul of your attitudes and habits/routines around food and physical activity is going to take a long time to really firmly and permanently establish. like it took what, 26+ years to establish pretty fucked up and unhealthy routines/mindsets around food and exercise? so in the grand scheme of things six-ish years is actually really fast. also I am just kind of into the slowness of it all as a concept—like, proving to myself I can conceive of and implement a very long-term transformation of this huge area of my life/identity. I like the idea that you can change any aspect of your habits or attitudes once they are no longer serving you well. it’ll take time and patience to do it but you CAN do it.

[marshmallowprotection]

I'm not sure if this has been done already, but how would Saeran cope/react with me, who has depression which really affects my mood? I get really low and even though I don't mean to, snap at people sometimes. I get annoyed so easily, and when I'm quiet people tell me I look cold-faced and (even though it's a joke) bring everybody down with me.

Sometimes I feel like I just don't know how to function with these feelings, and I have to run away and be by myself in my room.

And then hours later, I go and apologise to everybody I lashed out at. With so much shame.

...ugh. T_T

GE Saeran understands what it feels like to have mood fluctuations.

How many times has he struggled to talk about what's going on inside his head? It's a lot more often than people think. Even though he has figured out that it's going to take some time before he can look at himself in the mirror and be happy with the person he sees, that doesn't mean it's a cakewalk.

Even if you know everything you need to do to make things better, it doesn't mean that your mood is going to match that.

You can have everything you need to be able to learn from your struggles but that doesn't mean that your emotions and body can keep up with that. Self-awareness can make it rather hard to get to where you need to be. You beat yourself up because you know what you need to do, but your body and mind may not be fast enough.

Sometimes it's easier when you're not aware what's going on with you because then you don't have to deal with the acknowledgment that there's just too much to think about. But, a part of getting to where you need to be is becoming aware of what you have to work on. Holding yourself accountable for your actions when you have a bad day is also important.

What matters in this situation is that you are aware that you are struggling and that it may not be easy for people to be around you. But, just because you know that you have struggles doesn't mean that you need to throw yourself away from the rest of the world so that you never hurt somebody again.

We are only human. That means that we are bound to make mistakes and hurt other people whether we meant to do it intentionally or not. What counts is that you have people who understand you and want to be there for you even when it gets tough. Where would he be if you weren't willing to fight for him in the first place?

You gave him a chance so why wouldn't he want to work with you in the same way?

He isn't the kind of person who would judge somebody for struggling with their mental health.

He is the very essence of somebody who has struggled time and time again but has found out that he's worth fighting for. You are just as much worth fighting for as he is. It may not be something that you want to believe but it's true. You are worth the fight and the time and energy that goes into it.

Just because you make a couple of mistakes along the way doesn't mean that you don't deserve a chance to be happy even on the worst days.

He is the most patient person you've probably ever met. He doesn't rush you nor does he ask you to do things that you're not ready to do. He sits down and waits for you to do what you need to do. If you need time by yourself, he will walk away. If you need him to be there, he's not going anywhere.

Anything you need to accommodate the situation he will take care of. He knows that you would do the same thing for him so why shouldn't he put in the same effort for you? That's just the thing. When you're in a relationship where both people struggle with their mental health, you have to go both ways to work together.

Sometimes that means you're taking care of each other when you're both having a bad day or just one person to another.

#ask #anon #mod kait #mystic messenger #mm #mysme #mysticmessenger #saeran #saeran choi #choi saeran #ge saeran #saeray #saeran mysme #saeran mystic messenger #saeran mm #mm saeran #mysme saeran #mystic messenger saeran

[coffee-at-annies]

F, N, T?

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

Well this is the hockey sideblog and I’ve been active over here since around 2017. I transitioned from omgcp and yuri on ice to primarily hockey around 2018-2020 and I’ve been here since. There’s fluctuations in interest and my levels of fandom participation but y’know it’s weird being able to say I’ve actively been here for around 5 years.

For passive fandom I’ve been a fan of dc/teen titans since the OG cartoon and when they rebooted teen titans after Donna’s death. So like I’ve been a passive Tim Drake+ fan for some 15-20 years, I’m just not active in dc comics fandom outside of like reading fanfic. Idk if I could call that my longest fandom since I’m not creating any content. If reading a thing counts I’ve also been actively reading Girl Genius for over 10 years.

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

*stares deep into the middle distance and contemplates how much I want to whack the hornets nest* Hope you’re prepared for more hockey.

More love/interest for non-superstar players. Everyone has their guy, their blorbo, their favorite, but that’s very frequently the big guys on the team y’know. The emotional support depth forward or third D deserves love too

This feels very silly since I’m talking about professional sports but a thing I see people struggling with when posting about sports online is emotional regulation in regards to losses. Watching your special guys lose sucks. The serotonin broadcast didn’t make the happy win chemical. It can be worse if you spent money to see it live. That’s hard to deal with. I repeat, it’s really hard to deal with if you’re new to it and deep in the hyperfixation. I’ve struggled with it myself. The place I see issues is that some people make that others’ problem either by doomspiraling or baiting. It’s not the job of a stranger on the internet to tell you how to manage your emotions and expectations. Losing happens. Losing streaks happen. How you deal with it is a reflection on you. I understand that sometimes we get folks who are experiencing baby’s first fandom and haven’t figured out how not to make their emotions everyone else’s problem, but it’s an absolutely essential skill in any fandom or interpersonal context.

This is aimed at the more fannish side of things but I wish there was more variation. I see a lot of team mom and nesting omega jokes and I’m like why is it always the same person getting written as feminized/sub/bottom/omega. Why are we recreating cishet gender nonsense for mlm ships? Where’s the alpha/alpha? The switching? Why does everything have to be rigid? Where’s the fluidity in who does what? In interpretations? Where is the fluidity of human sexuality? I feel like people are sometimes holding so tightly to a headcanon that they forget to be playful with it. Or maybe the tightness is the playfulness and that’s how you see the guy. It doesn’t match up with how I see them but that’s fine. I just feel like there’s so much emphasis on getting it right that we aren’t exploring what else right could look like.

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

Oh tons. I’ve partaken in “he would not fucking say that” a bunch. There’s lots of stuff for any number of fandoms that are tightly held and I’ll die on this hill. I’m also very flexible most of the time. I’m both very specific about my headcanons and also willing to change based on what’s going on. I contain multitudes and so does fandom.

Heck occasionally I have two ride or die headcanons that are contradictory because thats just how it is sometimes. I’m trying to think of an example but I’m not coming up with anything specific. The joy of fandom is defending my headcanons to the death and then getting up and finding another hill to die on. Fandom should be about joy and play. If it doesn’t spark joy I should figure out why and what I can do about it and move on. No use dwelling on a thing that isn’t making me happy unless it’s like an angst headcanon in which case I’m getting joy from the saddness.

Letter Asks

#asks answered #sexysmeagolshitposting #idk if you were expecting the hockey but oh well #rpf mention

[pjsk-warriorsau]

Character Profile: Bluepaw (Toya)

it's him! the silly little guy! he's here! [the live studio audience cheers at an unreasonable volume]

if you can believe it i discovered that color combo on Complete Accident. half of him was gonna be purple before i fucked around with the filters. you are spared from the sparklecats for now /j

i wanted him to be a chimera-patterned tortie since. y'know. His Hair. and i fully forgot that almost all tortoiseshells are female. so naturally i trans'd his gender lol

summary:

Clan: Thunderclan

Family: Pricklesky (mother/dam), Graycall (sort-of-estranged father, sire), 2 unnamed fading kittens

story notes + trivia under the cut!

apparently canon toya has brothers. i didn't realize this until i was halfway through designing the Thunderclan family tree. oops! they're dead now lol

fading kittens are an actual phenomenon in the real world; sometimes kittens just. die with no apparent cause. sorta like SIDS.

in clan culture, fading kits are seen as Starclan messengers; they bring the litter down and then head back up once they're delivered. Bluepaw's parents, being sticklers for tradition, saw this as a sign.

after all, a kit with two Starclan guides must be destined for greatness, no?

of course, Graycall took this inch and ran a mile. even before Bluekit was an apprentice, he'd often take him out of the nursery for training sessions. unfortunately, no one told Graycall that babies Cannot Handle daily training sessions that lasted upwards of an entire afternoon.

as great of a deputy as Pricklesky is...she's a bit lacking in the empathy department. at some point, she convinced herself that Graycall was doing this for the good of their child.

so whenever the young kit wept over bleeding paw pads, tiny chest heaving with exhaustion, Pricklesky would hold him close, whispering and cooing into his ears.

"It's okay, Bluebell. This is for the best, you'll see."

that's what they both convinced themselves, no matter how much their hearts ached.

fast forward a few moons, and Bluepaw's apprenticed to his father, upon Graycall's request. This Does Not End Well!

eventually, Bluepaw runs into someone on the Skyclan border. an orange tabby, just across the river, half-tail swishing on occasion.

he introduces himself as Sunpaw.

and everything spirals from there.

at the time the story starts, Bluepaw's somewhere between "if i don't follow Every Single Rule set by my clan and father i Will Die" and "oh this isn't normal actually. huh". it fluctuates from book to book.

surprisingly, he has a decent relationship with his mom! they're both just Really Bad At Emotions! (graycall's tomfuckery isn't helping matters either lmao)

he is in fact autistic! he can't be around loud things for too long lest he Explode and Die (start scratching the ground and covering his ears) (or scratching his ears) (or scratching anything in the vicinity)

because of this, he struggles to express his feelings explicitly, especially with putting a name to them. like Wow, my chest feels really tight for some reason, I Wonder Why (he is about to have a meltdown)

but like, if you know him well enough...he's surprisingly easy to read.

his ears are arguably the most expressive part of him. they'll droop slightly if you say something that bothers him, they'll twitch if he hears something strange, they'll perk up if he sees someone he likes, etc etc

speaking of. akitoya canon. bluesun, if you wanna get technical about it

him and Finchpaw (emu) are also pretty close, surprisingly. traumatic circumstances bringing people together n all that.

his warrior name will be either Blueflame or Bluewillow. i haven't he hasn't decided yet.

as for his relationship with his father. well. uh. oh goodness would you look at the time i have to Go Now (it's a surprise tool that will help us later!)

#the missing melody #pjsk au #warriors au #bluepaw #toya aoyagi #TMM profile #that last part is both mine and bluey's reaction /hj #also i swear to christ if i see a SMIDGE of flag discourse im deleting my blog /hj #(/j about the deleting part but also Please Don't) #pricklesky #graycall #(might as well lmao) #tw kitten death #<< just in case

[pettydreamz]

The way my emotions fluctuate so fast is scary. I be depressy almost all day and then a package arrived for me which was my new crocs. A white platform one and a pink platform one which I was soo happy n excited about and then I read a msg which is v sweet but I got reminded of my previous thoughts n emotions and I be lk depressy lol but trying not to dwell or get sad on it too much and shoving my face with cake and I don’t really like cake lol

Oop my sale is gonna start soon.. should I buy my nail supplies..? And be impulsive or wait for another time..? ^^;;;

Oh yeah! My fam from Sydney is visiting again tomorrow and I’m gonna get my hair retouched too! I’ll try remain excited but idk how long that’ll last

#I’m so chatter brain today xppppp

[hypotheticallyimmortal]

I'm sorry that sometimes all I can do is leave you with a torrent of half-felt, half-loved, "I love you"s

sometimes I don't really feel sometimes I don't feel real at all my emotions disconnected motions and emotions spliced by the motions of an antique film reel

I preach my love for you insistently yet I feel it, inconsistently I watch from a mountain out of reach from the love I preach

but sometimes my love is like a fountain out of breath, like we're on a mountain I want to kiss you until we're both gasping for air I want to run my hands through your hair just tasting the proof that you're there

and then I'm gone, haunted by emotions lost in a body gasping I feel like I'm grasping, at the story of the moment rasping it out, hoping you don't see, that you can't tell don't worry, it's not you, it's me I'm not the same, a switch has flipped I wanted to kiss you, why don't I want to kiss you

it's gone too far too fast too much the moment's passed I wanted to kiss you, why don't I want to kiss you I'm trapped in the box you call the moment you're suffocating me let go get off why do I miss you why can't I just fucking kiss you

I'm fluctuating an echo

I kissed you I missed you I loved you I'm gone

I wish for another moment where I can say I love you and mean it in the moment the same way you mean it because I love you

but it's a torment to love you I don't, I can't, it's not the same you're not to blame it's just because I- I'm lost in the moment

#poem #poetry #love #love poetry #original #writing #relationship #thoughts #dissociation #love poem #grey aroace #grey aro #grey ace #vent poem #vent poetry #idk I don't really write poetry I just felt like writing this I hope you like it lmao #idk what to tag this with honestly lmk if I need to add or remove any tags

[heartofhubris]

It really ends up being moments like this I question if I have osdd-1a or equivalent. Dealing with Triggers is always... an event. This time was even more odd as I felt myself fall into depersonalization, and loose the distinct lines of my personality as I felt More Stuff in my head. In the past, I loose who I am, I keep going, but I don’t remember time, or... Anything, really.

I suppose a large part of it is lacking any form of normalcy and being entirely unsure where the line of ‘normal’ hits the block of ‘mentally ill’. How many emotional fluctuation are too much, too fast? How many headaches are normal for a person? What responses find the line of ‘just right’ and not ‘too much’?

Part of that might just be autism, I’ll point aggressively to that reasoning. But there must be something more.

I don’t think I’m imagining the whispers in my head when I feel this sort of depersonaliztion. I don’t know exactly who ‘Vodka’ may be, but I do know in those moments who ‘Hubris’ is. I can feel even now a new presence that’s tappin on the edges of this room I reside in.

I remember when I was super fixated on James Bond, I could conjure Gareth Mallory with no issues, and whatever emotional strife I was feeling, he’d be able to help me through it. Fictives are well known in the DID spectrum, and he wasn’t the first one that would’ve been - Gareth was simply the Most Vivid.

I don’t think I have DID- I have too much of my daily memories for it to be DID. I don’t hear people, I don’t loose complete control of my limbs, nothing like that.

But this isn’t just voices in my head, either. I talk differently, I act differently, and these differences cannot be tied back only to one event, or cause or anything. It just feels like a mess half of the time when I look at it.

But the other half, I have a painful clarity. I can see two overlays on my eyes; the past and the current events that I am experiencing. Typing, breathing, drinking, that’s real. But it’s almost second to the memories that flood on the other overlay, the flashes and pinches of painful memories that I can feel under my fingertips.

I don’t think this is the normal experience with flashbacks. I don’t think this is schizophrenia, either, not with the way the voices work. 

I don’t even know how to figure out if this is OSDD-1a, and even if I did, I wouldn’t get it diagnosed.

In late 2020/early 2021, I realized that, due to having so many System friends, I was defaulting to using ‘we’ even for myself in normal, generic situations. I felt comfortable with it, until I realized what I was doing. I’ve been almost unable to use ‘we’ since, and I am wondering quite severely if my sides (as I call them) decided that I was getting too close, and went into self preservation mode.

I”m not asking for help, I’m just... trying to figure out what the fuck I am. I hate this feeling. I hate seeing overlays, I hate becoming disconnected to anything and everything that I am. The confusion is bad, the anger is worse, and the emotions flip on the tip of a pin, when all I want is to be held by The Right Person.

#mental health #i guess? #negative #sorta #idk i dont have did i've talked w my therapist enough ik i dont but #i didn't clear my mind of osdd #original