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coridallasmultipass · 4 years

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Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

#personal /#vent #long post #endometriosis #mental illness #menstruation #tmi #i need to stop crying but i cant lmaO #fuck endometriosis #literally a life ruiner #like i was already having a hard time before it but now i have zero hope for the future

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fishtalking · 7 years

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as always I’m thinking too much and need to get it out of my brain already before I explode

I really need to call the therapist tomorrow bc I just need to get perspective on this? and I don’t want to tell my friends about this anymore. I feel insufferable bringing it up w my church friends and I don’t think I can ever tell riel about this unless.. idk. even if kiba was ok w it would I tell them? it doesn’t seem like kiba told riel anything so idk

I feel bad for not really being able to be honest with riel or kiba anymore. especially riel. I feel like there was something like very open honesty when I first became friends w riel bc I was also going thru kiba problems and being able to commiserate w them about it helped. we meshed so well and then as kiba and I got closer ig I didn’t feel right about that anymore? I wanted to keep us drama free as possible but mmgh.. as always I just forgot how they have feelings too. I should know how worrisome things are if you lack information and yet I just did the same thing

and the thing is that I really want to talk about it! not the Incident but like. in general. I hope to god that riel doesn’t feel like I’m just talking to them now bc I don’t have kiba to talk to. I don’t ever want them to feel like I’m taking advantage of them. I don’t want to take advantage of anybody!! I want to be able to be honest with my friends and like. idk. share more of myself I guess. Friendship is give and take and I can’t offer to listen to anybody’s problems if I don’t make myself vulnerable either. I honestly know exactly what I need to dicuss with both of my friends. I need to talk to riel about kiba and about Us and I need to talk to kiba about just. the turmoil I’ve been going through I guess. something like that?

The things I need to talk to riel about: do they feel taken advantage of? Do they think I like kiba better than them? did they think we would get together? are they afraid they’ll get left behind? am I being a bad friend.

I always want to get closer to riel but I really do wonder if I like kiba better sometimes. liking kiba better is.. not the right way to say it tho. they just require different energies. kiba can be easier to talk to just bc he’s fun and simple while riel can get real negative sometimes. but at the same time riel’s never made me feel real uncomfortable the way kiba can sometimes. we’re on the same page more often than not about how we feel about sex and relationships and friendships and stuff and it’s fun to know how similar we are and learn how different we are as our friendship develops. I can’t rly empathize w the parts of them that are suffering but I still want to be someone they can lean on for support. I want to be friends w them still and idk how it’s going to go if I eventually stop being friends w kiba bc of what happened. I don’t know how nervous they might feel about the fact that we’re taking a break or if they’re wondering about it at all. Somehow I don’t really know how riel feels about things and I’m ?? about how I should move forward. I don’t know if the wisest thing is to tell them I might not remain friends w kiba bc like. obviously.

I’m just apprehensive because I’ve already caused some rift between riel and kiba and I don’t want to be the cause of any more. when I first became friends w them I felt so safe because I figured I wouldn’t be that important to either of them? they would be best friends w each other and I’d be someone fun they’d talk to every once in a while. I wouldn’t have to compete for anything bc there would be no competition. now I’m.. something else. maybe I’m arrogant for thinking that but still. I’m in unfamiliar territory again and I can’t say it doesn’t scare me.

I don’t want the only reason I consider riel to be out of guilt bc I think about kiba more. I want to be a better friend for them

it’s funny I should feel that same pit of the stomach feeling when they talka bout friends they’re closer to than we are but I should just see it as the friendship stability thing again right? but I’m not sure if it’s rly the same.. maybe it is

it’s funny how riel still manages to be more honest about their feelings than kiba, who’s still much more honest than I am

Things I need to talk to kiba about: god so many things. too many things. guilt. our friendship. pulling the stops if it comes down to it. my own feelings about it? whether it’s fair to either of us to continue this

I miss him but honestly like.. how much do I really? it’s no lie that a lot of stuff about him made me feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable just purely in terms of sex alone. he’s.. idk if he’s stagnant rn but he’s definitely not in a place in life where he inspires me to work harder and grow the way riel does. I don’t feel like I’m talking to someone older than I am when I talk to him sometimes. he’s just.. really childish in a lot of ways and I need him to not be that way if we’re going to continue our friendship. I need him to.. not be him?? which lmfao is something I absolutely could not ask of anybody ever. even if he got a job and a car and whatever so what. I don’t want to stay with somebody whose maturity doesn’t grow. I’m plenty impulsive myself and I don’t need someone who exacerbates that me

honestly when I think about just not being friends w him anymore I feel such a sensation of relief that it makes me really wonder if it’s worth it to go on!! like ya I’d lose a lot but really I just want to stay friends w riel. but if I ended up losing riel.. ?? but like. idk. if I started to affiliate w so and so would it just get complicated. I don’t know!!!! it just seems like a fucking shame but I also can’t hold onto anybody just because I get annoyed at the apparent one-year expiration date on my friendships

I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. with luke I felt regret but not guilt. with kiba and riel I always feel guilt. guilt, guilt, overwhelming guilt, all the fucking time and I’m sick of it! I should be friends with my friends because I like having fun with them, not because I feel some weird obligation to be a good friend for some reason or another. when the hell did I become so guilt-ridden? it’s like I’m getting eaten up from the inside by piranhas or something. I’m going to get an ulcer from all of this

so if I continue being friends w kiba I don’t want to feel guilt anymore. I don’t want to feel guilt from myself and I don’t want to feel guilt from him either. I can’t stay in a friendship that’s steeped with guilt and shame all the time anymore. it’ll just tie us together in tangled knots in the worst ways possible and I won’t have any of that in my life anymore

I don’t like the path that we’re headed down if things continue the way they do. The weird kind of emotional codependency is definitely rearing its head and we need to pull a full stop if it does. I want to be honest!! I want to tell kiba exactly how I feel and break down why there is so much of this guilt with him. I want the words to come out of my fucking mouth instead of getting stuck in there like some fish bone in my throat. I’ll let him make his own decisions about how I’ve been feeling so far and I’ll let him as his own questions

I’m still not sure if full disclosure is the best way to go about it. despite everything I just don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t want to tell him about these toxic thoughts I’ve had and have him hate me. I don’t want to tell him how school shit is still hanging over my head because I thought I would succeed but he ruined part of it for me. the college tuition. my efforts. I didn’t fucking study for it anyway and I gave up but I whether it was of my own volition is just up in the fucking air (but not really but maybe partly) and can I forgive him?? can I remain friends w him without forgiving him?? would it be fair to either of us (read: no, esp if I TELL him I haven’t forgiven him) but what is the right answer!! I have so much bottled inside of me and I wish to god there was just a right way to do things or at the very least that I was a little more upfront and decisive instead of waffling around should I’s and should I not’s over and over again until my eyeballs bleed

I just don’t!! want to feel guilt anymore!! no more guilt no more guilt!!! there’s no way me and kiba could possibly be and item now and I just have to accept it. no more romance. no more love swirling around. this is my firm decision. I’ll tell kiba that we just cannot and that he has to move on from me. even if I think to myself “there’s no telling what the future will bring” right now, at this moment, I have to completely shut the lid on this possibility. too fucking bad, me. maybe it would have been fun to try but right now? you have to cut it out like a festering limb. I have a bad feeling about it and no matter how much it smarts it’s just what has to happen for now. I have no idea still how kiba fell in love w me in less than a year and I have no idea if he hasn’t put me on a pedestal or something. either way I don’t have a good feeling about it, I never felt 100% good about it, and the best thing to do with how we are now is to snip it off at the bud. I don’t want to think about the imbalance that we have in terms of how we feel our feelings, the imbaalnce we have in terms of sexual needs, the imbalance we have in terms of our own stability as people. it’s bad real estate and I have to make the decision to end it.

maybe I’ll feel better about just being friends if I no longer have to think about romance anymore. honestly the fucking love triangle or whatever this thing could possibility be called has been the biggest source of stress for me and I’m done with the guilt it produces like a fucked up natural resource. I’m not mining for any of this guilt anymore. it’s not fun, it’s never been fun, and I don’t know why I’ve let myself suffocate in this cave anymore. the canary died years ago and also I am that canary because I let myself keep going even tho the end evidently lead to my becoming a very dead corpse!

and I can’t really be that mad at myself. it was a learning experience to the very end and I know I’ll always be grateful to the both of them the same way I am grateful to luke. I’ve never experienced people’s feelings like this before and it’s been invaluable to learn so much no matter how it might end. maybe love isn’t an impossibility for me but this flavor is something I don’t want to pursue anymore. it’s chaining us down and I would like nothing more than to free us, myself included. and at least if I take this step I’ll be guilt free!! like there will be no reason for me to stress out about it anymore bc at that point it won’t be my responsibility anymore. all I can do is keep myself unchained and I can’t do anything about what they ultimately decide to do themselves.

I’ve been so uncertain about what to do that making the decision to end this is. I’m not sure if I can call it a relief yet. there’s still an inkling of something but like I can’t bear to think about the alternative anymore. I can’t bear thinking that I’m taking advantage of kiba or riel, I can’t bear the burden of this guilt anymore, and none of this is fun! none of this is fun at all!!!

so this is it. I’m still young. whatever happens, happens. but right now all I want to do is keep my friends and have fun with them. five months is more than long enough. no matter how much I might think “who knows that the future will bring” right now, I have to end it. I already said that but I need to emphasize that to myself again. and maybe say it to kiba too. it’s an acknowledgment of the uncertain future but a firm declaration of my resolution now.

if kiba finds someone else.. I know I’ll be jealous. I always am of my friend’s other relationships. I end up wanting to be the most important, more special. it’s the ugliest part of me, the part of me that wants the deepest affection no matter how evident it is that it’s really not the best course of action at all. so I’ll just get over it like an adult. kiba’s already had his hookup with someone else and no matter how I felt about it then, I have to get over it now. A long time ago I might have wanted to have fun w him but now that’s not an option anymore. that’s okay. and honestly, I know feeling jealous is just normal. of course I’d feel jealous, especially with the way friendships like this have come to mean to me. but living means accepting it and moving on. I really can’t have everything. nobody can.

If we all move on I’ll feel happy for kiba and I’ll feel happy for myself. I’ll find that gratitude of mine for all the people I love in this world. no matter what happens I know I’ll love them the same way I love all the people who’ve touched my life so far. no matter how my feelings shift and change about kiba being my brother or not or whatever, I’ll still have that love of mine

and that’s how I want to feel!! I want to think of nothing but the warmest love when I think of my friends. I want to love riel and I want to love kiba and I want to tell them that freely. I want to hold that love in my heart always instead of this guilt that festers like an infection inside of my ribs. These friendships can’t continue if guilt is the main thing I feel from them.

I hope to god that I don’t lose whatever feelings I’m having rn when I wake up tomorrow because despite feelings like an idiot for so long I feel slightly less without direction than I did just a few moments ago. I’ve picked a direction and now I need to walk it no matter what happens. there’s no way to pick a “right” direction anyway, so I need to pick the one that makes me feel better in the end.

I’m still not sure how my friendship w kiba will pan out. maybe this is something I have to consider again now that I’ve chosen a Path. I should talk to him about this guilt I’m feeling and the reason why I’m putting an end to the romantic stuff between us. the guilt is because I felt like I was taking advantage of him, because sometimes I felt like taking advantage of him, and feelings like that scared me. knowing how differently we feel things scared me. none of this felt fair to him but also me from the very beginning. should I talk to him about riel? it still doesn’t feel right to just talk about it so I’ll ask riel if it’s okay first. open communication is important! so maybe I’ll talk to riel first and then I’ll talk to kiba this weekend? as soon as possible either way, so I don’t lose my grip on my decision to End things

I still need to decide how much I’m going to tell. I can’t let “how much is appropriate to tell” to be the main thought in my head anymore because I’ll never come to a decision if I do. I have to decide what info I’m going to say and stick by it.

everything up until now has happened bc I was too fucking pussy to talk to it w kiba or riel and honestly? no matter how much the incident fucked me up thank fucking god that one thing good (or at least PRACTICAL) is coming out of it. fucking silver lining!! there’s the silver string I’m so good at finding

god I can’t wait to get this chapter of our lives done and over with already. there will always be new problems as I learn more about people and break out of this naive shell I live in but I’m ready to stop shriveling in one continuous problem like some fucked up pickle. what a relief? is it a relief yet. only time will tell. but Knowing that I’ve picked a direction for myself feels so much more practical than torturing myself with uncertainty

I still have that glaring hole of non-resolution. am I going to keep being friends w kiba when I haven’t forgiven him yet. money is still a big deal. it’s kind of a big deal that I want to just not want to be friends w him anymore. honestly it’s the same deal where I just need to make a fucking decision.

if I decide not to be friends with him anymore it’s definitely something I will have to talk to riel about. I’d tell riel that if kiba want to tell them what happened then they can ask him. I’m not sure if we could rly remain friends like the way they can perhaps remain friends w kiba but that’s rly not up to me to presume. whether I’m right or wrong isn’t my responsibility. I would just ask them to decide if they want to continue being friends with me. it doesn’t feel fair to put this burden on them but I don’t see what else I could do without falling into the pit of feelings responsible for other people again.

and that’s the thing. I feel responsible for kiba’s family etc again and that’s the biggest thing that’s tripping me up. which is ridiculous? I don’t have any obligation towards anyone and he doesn’t have any obligation towards me. no matter how much fun we might have had, if it’s not fun anymore then it’s just not fun anymore. I could just keep the break longer but that’d just be the last five months all over again.

I don’t. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be friends anymore. I want to stay friends but I want to not be friends more than I want to be friends. this sucks!!! I wanted things to work out but if my college tuition wasn’t such a fucking issue I wouldn’t be going thru the turmoil that I am right now.

maybe what I need to do first is sit my mom down first and tell her the truth of what happened. it’s been a long time coming anyway. I need to tell her what happened to her money, if we’ll be okay, everything. there’s really no other way for it. even if it ends up being okay will I be able to forgive him?

I think I’m approaching this the wrong way tho. I keep asking myself if I can forgive him like I’m trying to force it so I can just make it okay for us to be friends again. I need to stop asking myself that. first I need to resolve this with my mom and see if she forgives me. this whole money issue is something I have to work out in myself.

this is something I’ve been wondering so long if it’s the best idea to bring up with kiba. it’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t want anybody to have that hanging over their head. I said no guilt!! but isn’t it like lying if I keep this from him. this is ultimately.. something I very much want to talk to a therapist about so I’ll save it in the questions vault.

so, new resolution: talk to mom first, then maybe riel if the time allows for it. call the therapist. schedule an appointment, talk about it maybe once or twice. and get straight to the point too, so I don’t waste any time. no matter what happens, overall I’ve decided to cut out all romantics out of this group dynamic. I’ve decided on it and I’m going to stick by it. I’ll be less flirtatious or however I come off as if required but when it comes down to it I am cutting it out of my life.

things will alsways change. things will pass and things will come into being and no matter what I’ll always learn from it. I’ve been cut off before, this time I might have to learn to do the same. who knows. at least there will be some sort of closure. none of us have any obligation to each other and I want them to be selfish too. I want kiba and riel for the both of them to take care of themselves. I want to take care of myself. I want to lear. I want to grow. I want to be ok

and I will be. I’ll be fine. everything’s going to be okay in the end. I’ve still got my love for the world and I’m not going to lose it.

I hope everything’s going to be ok? everything’s gonna be ok!! it’ll be fine. snzzzz.

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