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star-anise · 2 years

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This is what the fight is like

Sooo, apparently the extremely tenuous and recent nature of the LGBTQ+ community's legal right to exist was not actually super widely known to a lot of people on Tumblr?

Which clarifies some stuff in retrospect. I have so often wanted to grab people by their lapels and shout, "Stop picking on someone for not meeting your entry requirements! We need everyone we can get, you asshole! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY HATE US OUT THERE?"

Aaaapparently... no, they did not know. Or they knew and were a conservative psyop preparing the ground for our loss of legal rights. Fun times!

So: Look, it is bad. Shit is scary. They really do hate us out there. You're not wrong.

But: This is what we've always fought. This boat we're in with its antique fittings and strange markings on the floor is a battleship. Work has always been going on in the basements, and when shit gets tough, we clear away clutter and roll out the cannons.

I found this chart a couple weeks ago and hung onto it because it felt like the map to my first 25 years on this earth:

[Image description: A graph titled "Same Sex Marriage: Public Polls since 1988." It is from FiveThirtyEight's NYT column. It records the percentage of US Americans polled who would say yes or no to legalizing same-sex marriage, from 1988 to 2011.

The two lines begin with roughly 10% saying yes in 1988, and 70% saying no; the two lines gradually draw closer over the years, until by 2011, the percent saying finally dips under 50%, and the group saying yes makes a tentative reach for the majority. End of image description.]

After some great social change has happened, when everyone has admitted that gay marriage is very cute and Pride is a colourful parade, hooray, people like to pretend that it was just natural and inevitable and happened on its own. People just became less prejudiced! Courts just decided on a case! Governments just passed a law!

In reality, it was a vicious fucking fight, every fucking time. Every fucking where. There are a lot of people who deeply, sincerely believe that a hundred years ago, society had good rules about sex and gender and intercourse and marriage, and that changing those rules has made the world worse. They don't always agree on the specifics, but they can work together far enough to fight anyone with new ideas.

This is why we are a community. Even when we don't have the same experiences of attraction or identity, even when we don't do the same things, even when we have wildly different ideas of a good time. Because when these groups take aim, we're all under fire, and none of us is responsible for why they hate us.

In some ways I think it's a miracle that there seems to be a generation that did not grow up, as I grew up, constantly glued to news reports about What Percentage of Society Hates Us this month. I can't imagine who I'd be if my brain and heart and soul hadn't been tied up, that whole time, in the political question of whether I'd get to dream of a decent future.

I think that it will give us strength to have people who can imagine a world where no one hates us. Who believe in it so strongly they can taste it. That's my prediction: If you didn't know this was coming, you'll be a boon to us, because we have always needed joy so fiercely, in this fight, to keep us going on. We have needed drag queens and punk bands and "her wife" and safe space stickers. Parade floats and wedding days and little dogs with rainbow collars, badges and banners and meetups, because more than anything else we need to fight our own despair, and our fear that the world will never get any better than this.

It will. We know it will. We can taste it.

Look up to the history, organizations, and people who've got us this far for information on what forms of activism will actually advance our political goals. Look to the side to make sure the comrades within reach are keeping their heads above water, and that you're keeping enough joy going to stay alive. Look back to see who's more vulnerable than you are that you might have forgotten or been tempted to leave behind. Look after each other. Look after yourself.

We can do this.

To your battle stations.

#lgbt discourse #staranise original

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whyarewecalledtheshipname · 2 years

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a messy sora ramble that isnt as focused as i wanted it to be. brought on by seeing one of my old kairi posts, (but also i read a post about this too somewhere, i hope i remember sorry):

Sora is definitely facing the same problem as kairi. His stagnancy is just written/done much better, or in a more interesting way, than kairi's.

as in— he technically doesn't 'grow'. he always loses his power and starts at base level. The best counter example or whatever we have to this trend is riku. Riku from ddd to kh3, retained his power. Remained strong. Was not explicitly stated to have lost his power or strength. And we know why. Because he's always been focused on gaining strength to protect what matters, and now he knows it's sora. And it pushes him to work through his struggles with darkness, which helps him grow.

Sora keeps avoiding dealing with his trauma and internal struggles. And so he doesn't actually grow. And bc this is a game, it's best represented by sora starting every game back at square one.

Not to mention, he is explicitly stated to be actually losing his power every time. It's not just a game-playability thing, or a power-creep thing. In game, sora starts all over every time bc of some shortcoming or other in his prior actions, behavior, or character.

Kh2, for example. Sora starts all over even after aging a whole year bc he chose to forget all the bs from castle oblivion, instead of working through them as well as his resulting trauma. "Make me like i was." It could not be more blatant.

Riku actively chose to remember all his struggles in castle oblivion, instead of forgetting them. Throughout the 358 days, he is working and fighting to wake sora up. And the results of his growth are plain to see in the kh2 ending.

Now sora is left constantly susceptible to darkness, both from external forces as well as his own, bc he constantly refuses to /deal/ with it. You get shit like ddd, where he falls to darkness from the get go, and you get riku, who again, fights to protect sora, pushes through the darkness with all his previous experiences with it. Uses that experience, and comes out stronger, and grows.

I wrote a kairi ramble a million years ago about how her story isn't interesting on paper, and that thats why she seems and basically /is/ a lackluster character.

But sora is living practically the same story, but like i also said in that kairi post:

"Trauma doesn’t always have to be packaged as some action-packed superhero story that’s fun to consume."

But for sora, it is. Just, by default bc hes the mc of a game series, ig, or a more "sophisticated" reason that my monkey brain isn't processing rn lol.

But it's like /because/ sora goes on adventures on screen, it means he's moving forward on his journey of personal growth. And like. Thats not the case at all.

And it took me five ever to begin to process this. I love sora for who he is and what he brings to the kh world. Actually. You can have heavy scenes and darker, more depressing concepts, but sora comes in and you actually feel lighter. Like you can breathe more easily. Legit, for me at least. And again! I didn't even appreciate that about him until recently, i don't remember what scene(s) caused this tho.

But esp as a basic riku bitch, i used to feel a bit indifferent towards sora's character. Like "he's another happy-go-lucky mc. lowkey boring". But! When i started seeing people explain this, that sora's character is like an embodiment of repressed trauma, i was like oh! I see! That's /amazing/, actually. (And that made soriku feel more uh "deep" lol, bc it's not surface level light/dark, but actually rooted in their character and journey)

But the reason im rambling about it now, much more messily than other people have talked about this, is bc i came across my old kairi posts and was like "oh i was wrong. It's not just her."

i think sora is luckier in that, he trusts so much in his heart, and in his connections to others. he trusts his heart to guide him through struggle, even when he doesn't understand it, or chooses not to.

(the words at the beginning of kh3, that are sora's mindset at the end of that game, reflect that same trend i feel like. Sora is due for some introspection in kh4, hopefully, but even now, dead, he's still relying solely on his heart to guide him. Which isn't inherently bad, but the trouble comes when he depends on his heart alone to do that, when it'll take more than that to light his way through his darkness)

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promiseiwillwrite · 1 month

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I Blame Keanu Reeves.

So I listened to the most recent episode of Hidden Brain the other day. I love this podcast, and it really makes me think sometimes. This episode is called "Escaping the Matrix". This episode focuses on the model of the world that we have, that we often assume is universal.

(hint: it is Not, any more than international definitions of "good food" are universal)

The episode talks about how profoundly social media has influenced people's models, and directly contributed to a mental health crisis in young people by being instrumental in vastly expanding the continuum of harm on a psychosocial level.

There are thousands of new dimensions to identity. There is no respite from the constant presence and barrage of social comparison and performance required by the internet, especially for younger people who lack the boundaries, coping skills and discernment to hold their sense of self and interact in safe and healthy ways.

I know, because I didn't have my old adult shit together well enough to safely exist on Tumblr until the last few years.

It also talks about cultural values, and how some of the reasons we think and feel what we think and feel are like the water that a fish swims in. Fish probably don't have a concept of water.

And it would never occur to most people that you can express and experience values and beliefs differently.

Something like caring for others, or fairness fall in line with most human's ideas of right livelihood. These things are very likely a part of your model and deeply ingrained, no matter what your system or preferred value set might be called.

But if you elevate one element of a value system above all others, it can cause great discomfort and role strain, because mortality is not static. It changes situationally, it changes contextually. It changes socially and chronologically. It can even change inside one person from moment to moment.

The psychologist being interviewed on this program said that something like caring for others, when elevated too much in a personal paradigm can give rise to massive depression by creating an impossible standard of behavior. It can stoke continued outrage and a perception of callousness in anyone who fails to "care enough" or that is perceived as "actively harmful".

Sometimes well past the point where the agency and autonomy of people is disregarded, and challenges that bring growth and learning through adversity are undermined or seen as abuse.

I know after listening to this, that this is part of what has been wrong with me. I have known for a long time that I was obsessed with trying not to hurt others.

I am trying to tease out where the line is for me, between caring as much as feels intuitive to me, and staying offended by people who don't think the same way I do.

I understand the social contract. But I may indeed have been harmed by the ethereal nature of the goalposts it represents. The constant sense of Failure when faced with wanting to engage and connect, and not wanting to hurt others, and not being able to figure out how to do that.

I often feel painted into a corner by my own ethics, and safe interactions seem to constantly dwindle.

So how do you escape the Matrix?

By knowing that not everybody is going to like you. By knowing that just because someone doesn't think like you do it doesn't make them automatically a monster. They do not become impure by having a different value set, or a different value hierarchy, or different interpretations of the same values.

And we would all do well to keep that top of mind, and remain curious about why people think what they think, and be willing to be in uncomfortable conversations without deciding to nope out. Willingness to uphold the social contract whether or not others do still has merit, up to the point of meanness. And then I think your own boundaries should meet it with class, sass or brass, in proportion to the situation.

#therapy things #Social contract

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cascadingthroughthedeep · 7 months

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ADHD or Autism. Maybe one falls into the other. Something is wrong, something has always been fucking wrong.

It's always getting worse. Some days I feel like it's going to get better because I learn something new after each breakdown. But when I yet again break down, I feel like I haven't learnt a thing.

It always plays on my mind how I was missed. How girls where always fucking missed. Probably more so by women teachers, ADHD mothers who never realized they had it. There was so many signs. Core memories. Trauma memories. I didn't even have to be thought of to have development issues, they could've just picked up on how scared I was of everything, how I got continuously bullied, how I never fit in and gave me guidance.

They gave me grommits when I was young, because everything was too fucking loud, and I cried if there was two loud noises at the same time. My mum hinted to me to pretend I couldn't hear the faint beeps because she knew something was definately wrong with me, so they thought something was wrong with my actual hearing.

Health Anxiety has currently got it's claws into me. The doctors can't even call me to tell me if I'm on the ADHD referral list. I thought I'd been on it for over a year already, but apparently there was some kind of error and they will call me to keep me updated. No. Nothing. Weeks ago.

I've recently received a Distinction in Animal Management technical diploma, ready to spread my wings in the animal industry. Need to drive for all of them. Let's drive. No. Can't drive because all the waiting lists are on pause because of COVID.

I am willing to put this work in and the world is telling me no.

I can't take antidepressants anymore because I get ground shattering migraines, and I'm constantly numb. It's a loose loose.

Please do not tell me to just exercise, set a routine, mediate and eat well because you know there is no dopomine in any of them at the start. I need to be correctly medicated.

The mood swings are magnificent, though. I screamed in the street the other day and it was fucking liberating. "You fucking cunt!" At a bus driver who just decided not to stop for me, a bus that's every hour. I had about 6p in my bank account and I needed to see my mum (I had a pre paid bus pass).

I smashed in my door, and threw it shut and kicked the living shit out of my stairs. I should probably say my foot. I kicked the shit out of my own foot really because I've had an egg on it for days.

Was thinking about rage rooms, but apparently it's addictive. Makes sense. You go to enough, your brain accepts it as a normal response and you smash up your own house. Fair fair. But this URGE to break things is getting greater.

I'm stuck, so fucking stuck. I can see it, you know. I really can. That line, and it's not so far away.

I've been thinking about starting a vlog thing. I'm a bit out of touch. For those who read my posts, and hear them, which I'm not sure is just a glitch because I can't see who has noted them... what do you think?

I've been on the bones of my ass this month. I feel like I have a shit load to say, and vent about. My dark humour, my honesty, realism, makeup/ eating whislt speaking (I know they're getting the views these days) Has anyone tried this before and it's made it worse on their mental health?

I have this fear that my old high school bullies would find them, and somehow bring me back down on my ass.

I need something. Growing up I had this fucking crave to be liked, I needed to be admired, watched, I loved getting changed Infront of windows at night. I loved the feeling of kissing someone new for the first time, the rush.

I'm settled now. But I need to be heard, more. I need to be listened to, more.

I'm fat and ugly now and, I dont take care of myself because I just can't. All my energy is just working and surviving until my next paycheck. I scrub up okay but fuck, I've gone from an hourglass in office heels to, a circle in Sketchers. There's no other way I can express how I look other than a circle.

The world is bananas. I used to say I want to just live in the wild but the sad thing is now I know what diseases are in the wild, probably not. No escape from this sad little life. The joy has gone, I'm trying SO fucking hard to bring it back.

Something big will happen soon. I can feel it, it has to. I'm bending so hard it's gonna slip and whip me in my saggy fucking face. Or I might just pull driving lessons out my ass and win a car from good life plus.

You know, just something big. Anything.

#ADHD #struggle #autism #adhd adult #vent

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mydissociativediaries · 2 years

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9/10/2022: Rejection

I didn't have a name for it until recently (I'd heard the term before but didn't realize how much it applied to me), but I have an extreme case of rejection sensitivity. Don't know why it took me so long to realize it because I've been that way for years.

It comes up a LOT in fandom activities. If I see meta trashing a character I like or heavily disagreeing with something I said (not that I'm against it, people can interpret fiction however I want), I feel dumb and stupid. Almost like they personally attacked me. I even get a wave of anxiety from it and physically cringe.

At first, I thought I was defensive over the character, but that's not what's happening. I'm defensive over myself. And I don't even go on the attack. I immediately feel bad about myself and think...well, they're right. Their meta is so good and mine is so childish and immature. Why do I even like this character?

Doesn't help that my favorite characters are all controversial, lmao. Can't say I have any "pure," universally loved favorites like Steve Rogers or Winnie the Pooh or whatever.

I know it's not personal (well, for the most part--I've been targeted a few times), but I'm SO sensitive about rejection even when it's indirect. Doesn't help that my brain immediately goes to "You're wrong and they're right."

And maybe they are in some cases, but...whatever. There's no wrong or right way to interpret fiction. Is there?

But I guess it's not really about the piece of fiction and more about my own insecurities. If I weren't into fandom shit, it would manifest in another way. Still, I can't shake the feeling of "Haha wow, my meta is all a bunch of bullshit." Once it starts, it doesn't go away.

I'm so desperate to be liked. I guess that's what happens when other kids bully you for years and your own parents and POS sister constantly reject you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm spending my life trying to compensate.

Thanks for reading,

📖

#rejection sensitivity #actually mentally ill #mental illness #mental instability #actually anxious #entry

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crystallos-sol · 4 years

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Hey have another meta on Gray & Natsu because I don't think I went deep enough.

Gray is traumatized and can't even voice his emotions sometimes. Natsu understands him WITHOUT any issues even during this time.

Don't believe me? Here look at this:

Natsu knows Gray just basically said:

" I care about you please take care of yourself "

I'm so emotional about these two because they are great and they understand each other on a deeper wavelength than I have ever seen within Fairy Tail.

I'll throw in multiple examples for you to compare but please come up with your own. Rewatch the show or Read the manga if you want to, there's so many examples that I cannot fit into one post so I have to suffer with a few. (Not including Happy has I think it's best to put people that aren't his kid,,,,)

First up: Lisanna.

I'm not hating on the ship at all. I'm picking people CLOSEST to Natsu & Gray. And she was essentially close to Natsu before her death. They raised Happy together and had a secret hideout for fucks sake.

Lisanna has I recall from the episodes we had of her, was close with Natsu. But something changed. Because her death hurt Natsu and changed him into a different person. That's clear to see. But her death drove a wedge between them and changed the entire relationship for good.

Lisanna was Natsu's friend, back before her death but however I believe that we do not know much of her outside of her death and how it affected Fairy Tail. We also do know about her Family and how it hurt them. But not about Lisanna, from what we can gather from the many episodes of Fairy Tail she is kind hearted and genuinely loves her family and doesn't want to lose them again. (Her reactions to her siblings being thrown into danger.)

But again her death drove fear and grief into Natsu and that's why him and Lisanna aren't exactly close anymore, because Natsu runs from his feelings. It's also hard to talk to someone you haven't seen since you where a teenager.

Up next who is/was close with Gray: Erza. We know Gray ran after her and helped to fix her tears, even making a child's promise about it. We also know, Gray was Erza's first real friend. Gray has a child was close with Erza in that regard. I do believe Erza shoved him away like she does with everything in response to what happened to her. (But that's a post for another time.)

Gray is still close with Erza, but due to Erza never feeling as if she can stop being Titania he is not as close to her as he is Natsu.

Lucy, who is one of Natsu's best friends, is actually close with Natsu. But unlike with Gray Natsu usually is (Ignoring Mashima's horrible writting between for now because that's a WHOLE OTHER issue) saving her or protecting her. At least it was like that until recently when Lucy finally got the character development and upgrade she deserves.

Lucy is close to Natsu but Natsu also doesn't want to lean on her. Yes you can qoute multiple instances and scenes where it appears he is leaning on her. But however with this you have to take into account the period of time Natsu has known her. The trust issues Natsu already has and previous trauma he has gotten and even new trauma!

Now it gets worse because this is dipping a little into Mashima's terrible characterization and understanding of how people function and feel. Especially women. Take Lisanna and Lucy, if you think about it they are essentially the same fucking character. Both are kind, stubborn, where hurt by someone they love, left their home behind for a number of years, painted has a badass while also simultaneously being soft and delicate.

Sound familar?

Because that's basically the Mashima guide to write a female character. Now what really gets me is the final thing that really cements it. They both have been/are in the supporting role for Natsu. Don't you dare go saying: But Lucy is the main character!

You, like the rest of is because Mashima wrote her like shit, didn't even know that until the interview or you saw that Fairy Tail fact post. The majority of us thought it was Natsu. Because in reality Mashima did NOT start writting her like a main character. He did not give her the good motivation every single damn Fairy Tail Character has.

Lucy & Lisanna have the same number of things that make up their characterization, and yes so do a number of Fairy Tail characters. But that's not the point. The point is that Lucy reminds Natsu of Lisanna in some ways and Natsu cannot bring himself to trust and lean on her fully like he can with Gray. It is not an attack on Nalu. Nalu is a fine ship if only written correctly (aka: Not Mashima's Version Which Is Horrible And Toxic But That's Another Meta For Another Time.).

This is a post about how Gray and Natsu are close. That's it. Natsu cannot bring himself to fully trust Lucy and lean on her comfortably without 1) forcing himself, 2) it happening outside of his control because of past trauma which by the way knowing Natsu he did not do anything about it and most likely bottled it up.

Wow that was a long session on Lucy but in summary: Natsu is traumatized and is not mentally healthy like the entirety of the Guild.

Now, the last one, which I'm sure you can GUESS. It's Juvia. Because some people think that Gray and Juvia are the " closest people! " And " he doesn't let anyone really touch him other than her! "

1) Bullshit. And 2) Bullshit. Here's why:

Juvia is a toxic character who stalks and uncomfortably idolizes Gray to the point it's fucking ridiculous. There are multiple scenes of her following (stalking) Gray around and being jealous of Lucy. Even declaring her a " Love Rival ".

This is probably because: Gray was the first person that was decent to her. (She was bullied for who knows how long and involved in a toxic guild + an abusive relationship.) Before you say shit about Gajeel: He's not nice. Gajeel before all of this, was an asshole, now he is nice which is pretty cool and a great character development. Back then? He was not nice.

Which brings me to Gray. Who even is okay with being stalked, being grabbed randomly and having someone so obsessed with you they made fucking dolls of you? No one. Before you argue: But he doesn't pull away from her!

Gray is most likely touch starved. Considering his entire background and general tendency to not receive hugs or any sort of affection usually. My evidence for this? Myself. I am touch starved and I often react bad to touches from strangers or creepy people but I also have a late reaction time. Because my body is saying: Oh touch???? And my brain is screaming: No.

He also could be trying to be decent. Which is all he did in the first place. He could be trying to not hurt her feelings and yes you could say he hurt Mira's feelings when he called her stupid for betting on Natsu but he also was apologising and panicky because he didn't want to hurt her.

Also if I even have to explain further why being stalked and basically turned into a fetish and an object is a bad thing then clearly something is fucking wrong with you.

Gray however feels safe likely with Natsu, who's been there from the beginning, took on Deliora, fought too many people just because one of his friends are in danger, has repeatedly stopped Gray from using Iced Shell and was ready to Die with him.

Natsu in return probably feels safe and like he can trust Gray to handle himself because this man has been there since day one and even can take Natsu himself on with no problem. Natsu also probably is happy Gray is nothing like Lisanna or Lucy. Because Gray is Gray and he doesn't remind Natsu of anything traumatizing he's been through.

They both trust one another and stay by one another's side because they are both understanding that they aren't gonna leave. Because think about it, Gray has lost family and his mentor to death. He has suffered through that. You wanna know who's constantly beating death on its ass???? Natsu " I refuse to die " Dragneel.

Natsu has lost family by being abandoned and by Death. He got it both ways and he's suffering because of it. But Gray who's stubborn has shit and stood death in the face at a young age and screamed fuck you at the top of his lungs, wouldn't leave. Gray who fucking went through hell and back, destoryed his own infiltration mission just because Natsu Dragneel rolled up, Keeps Trying To Protect Him, Never once wants to lose Natsu. And Natsu knows that. Because Gray is his constant. Gray is that constant presence in his life he knows for a fact he can trust.

But idfk that's just my thoughts on them.

#fairy tail #ft #natsu dragneel #ft gray fullbuster #gray fullbuster #ft natsu dragneel #ft natsu #ft gray #also i guess this could be viewed has:#Gratsu #natray #because technically it does sound gay but it focuses more on them and relationships has a whole #not tagging example relationships or characters because its not the main focus

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dyaz-stories · 4 years

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Hi, recently read inuyasha and I was wondering, why does kikyo say inuyasha's life is hers despite knowing what naraku did? He was a victim too, and it was their MUTUAL distrust that led to that. I don't even remember seeing inuyasha hurt her, and she died due to her injuries and he didn't cuz he's half-human. I mean, the guy was already sad, she just made it worse. She never really says anything like 'my distrust caused this' either. She seems like a shitty person, yet gets glorified constantly

Hey anon! Apologies for being late to get to this, I’ve been pretty busy with the Inuvember going on and, well, real life, but here I am now! Putting my answer under the cut and tagging this as anti-Kikyo because I don’t want people to read it unless they want to, but as always, I’m not trying to be an anti or bash her :)

So, I completely get where you’re coming from with that. I addressed issues around Kikyo’s characterization in my The Biggest Problem with Kikyou piece, and the thing is, this is 100% a problem with characterization in my opinion. To quote it:

[Something that is often overlooked during their first interaction is] that Kikyou hears Kagome telling her that Inuyasha isn’t guilty, that she chooses to ignore her, and that it is only after having failed that she goes to see Kaede, to ask her what Kagome was talking about, meaning that she had paid attention to what Kagome was saying and couldn’t be bothered to look into it at the moment.

This point and the one you bring up show pretty similar characterization, if you ask me. One of the things about Kikyo is that... sometimes she doesn’t give a fuck. That’s why I have a problem with people who seem to assume that ““Kikyo hate”“ is unwarranted and basically just raging Inukag fangirls who can’t accept her existence. Yeah, I dislike Kikyo. I think she’s the most poorly written character in the manga, and I think she’s a shitty person.

I’m not saying I don’t understand where Kikyo’s coming from. She’s mad at Inuyasha during that passage, and being mad at Inuyasha is the easy way out for her. They’ll just go to hell together because she thinks he’s reponsible for her death and that’ll be it. She won’t have to work to get revenge, it’ll all just be done.

That’s understandable, I’m not saying it isn’t. However. Just because something is understandable doesn’t mean it’s right. I’m guessing different people will view it differently, but if you ask me? Well if you ask me it’s bad. She’s condemning an innocent person just because she can’t be bothered to look for the real culprit. That’s shitty. But maybe for others that’s enough of a reason (I hope I don’t sound judgy, I really don’t mean to be, different things get different perceptions and that’s perfectly fine).

To get back specifically to your question, I discussed what it means for Inuyasha in The Wrong Tragedy, and again, this is a characterization problem for Kikyo. Yes Kikyo said that:

She’s using Naraku’s narrative, as he told Inuyasha that Kikyo ‘died for him’ which, as a reminder, isn’t exactly confirmed in canon. So she’s acting like Inuyasha owes her something, because she died “after him”. Only, she didn’t kill Inuyasha. She sealed him, and Kaede even says that the seal was supposed to last for eternity. If she wasn’t deadly wounded, which, it is my understanding that she was,

she could have healed from her injuries (without using the Jewel), and then unsealed him. I’m not saying it would have been easy but they could have worked things out. If she had the choice to do that and didn’t, that meant she thought they were irreconciliable and that she had zero trust in him.

Her hugging Inuyasha right before that moment is actually one of the most disgusting thing she does in my opinion. Like I’ve seen it being shared as an Inukik moment and it’s something that actively infuriates me. Inuyasha just almost died and was badly injured because she gave the Jewel to Naraku, and she has the nerve to say she didn’t want him to die? (also she would have let him die just a couple chapters earlier but you know, whatever at this point)

I’ve said before that I feel there is a shift in the manga when the story starts ‘bending’ around Kikyo to accomodate the narrative that she has done nothing wrong. Do understand, I’m not saying she did nothing wrong. The problem is how it’s handled. The manga does not recognize nor address the shit she did. She doesn’t even have a redemption arc. She’s just magically redeemed at some point. I’m not sure if the shift occurs there or if it’s during the whole ‘Inuyasha picked Kikyo’ debacle, so I can’t tell if this is characterizing her as horribly manipulative, though really, she already was, or if this is supposed to be taken seriously.

So I can’t tell you if she is supposed to come off as horrible, or if we’re supposed to think that it’s part of her tragedy to want Inuyasha, an innocent person, to die with her :) (do I sound salty? I might be a little salty)

The issue you bring up about her not taking responsibility for the whole disaster is super interesting! I’ve discussed her not taking responsibility for plenty of other stuff, but I don’t think I had particularly considered that one, when it’s actually an extremely important one?

In terms of characterization, I mentioned recently that I read her as being incredibly self-righteous, and that comes from her never taking responsibility for anything. I don’t think she believes she’s in the wrong. She probably always has an explanation that’s for ‘the greater good’, like what she fed Inuyasha after trying to kill Kagome.

And you know what the saddest part is? The saddest part is that Inuyasha ends up believing her. He’s so terrified that he’ll lose her again (post-death Inukik relationship is not about mourning, it’s literally about him doing shit because he’s scared she’ll die again until she finally dies, at which point only he starts to mourn) that he’s willing to die with her to appease her and to let go of his relationship with Kagome.

And Kikyo is fine with all of that. In comparison, you have Kagome, who says “I love you and I want to be by your side no matter what”.

I’m not saying Kikyo isn’t complex, though I do think her characterization stops making sense at some point. I’m saying that that complexity doesn’t make up for what she did. So, yeah, I think she’s a bad person. Manipulative? As I said, I’m not sure if she’s supposed to be or if we’re supposed to think she’s sincere. I tend to see it as the latter and therefore focus more on her self-righteousness, but it would be fair to see it as her just being incredibly manipulative.

So, yeah. Either Kikyo said that because she wanted to lead Inuyasha to “pick her”, or because she actively believes it. In either case... It doesn’t paint a nice picture of her if you ask me.

Thank you for the question! I hope you don’t mind the delay and that this makes sense, it’s really late and I hope my brain is still functioning :)

#inuyasha #anti kikyo #anti kikyou #inuyasha analysis #counting this as my inuvember entry for day 7 #which is about kikyo #my analysis #asks

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redheadshenanigans · 6 years

Text

(This is what happens when I don't have my laptop)

This is the original article. Please read for their explanations.

https://screenrant.com/supernatural-dean-castiel-relationship-biggest-plot-holes-make-no-sense/

20.

Isn't really a thing. His was still talking to one angel. Joshua. In dark side of the moon, he confirms it. Who says the direct order didn't come from Chuck?

19.

Dean wasn't suspicious of Cas, Dean was suspicious, period. He's a Winchester, and if you remember the first person he accused was Sam.

18.

Correction, Castiel was in his celestial form. He spoke to Dean 10 minutes out of his grave, not hiding. Just not in a human vessel and able to communicate. Also, Pamela's eyes were burned out because she was trying to see Cas' true form. He warned her, both Pamela and Cas say that he warned her. Again, no Cas wasn't in his vessel yet. He was still convincing Jimmy to say yes. Otherwise, he would have appeared.

The only people who can hear angels are prophets and people who are part celestial being aka Jack. So Dean being human and all, not really surprising that Cas nearly fried his brain. This is my personal theory. Cas made the assumption that because Dean felt special to him and because he was the vessel that he could or should be able to hear him. However, the Winchester are simply men and Cas realised his mistake and went to get himself a vessel.

17.

Woah woah woah

Hold your horses.

Cas was being hunted. He literally had every Angel and his dog looking for his ass. He was not going to bring that shit to the Winchesters door. There is nothing he loves more than those boys, nothing. Dean was aware of this once Cas made the call. No abandonment simply Cas protecting Dean and Dean protecting Sam.

16.

*coughs* I will explain human relationships to you because you're missing the point. When people totally fuck up, in a biblical sense, those things don't simply go away. Sometimes people need space and perspective. Spending all day, every day in a high-stress environment with someone who is pretty much your opposite in every way is hard on the most balanced of individuals. The Winchesters are not the most balanced of individuals and occasionally they need distance. Cas, like a good friend, fills the space until the boys are back on track.

15.

Wait. So you're acknowledging that Cas was protecting Dean by leaving. Dean who can hold his own against vampires, demons, wraiths etc but will get munched by leviathans. Additionally, Cas would probably get his own ass munched because he'd be so worried about Dean he would become a leviathan snack. So maybe the best plan is to leave Dean (who is super capable at saving his own ass) and take the larger threat away. Yes, good plan Cas. Very well done.

Sidebar-Cas isn't spiteful. Not sure specifically what refusal to return you're on about but Cas was hunting Metatron for most of season 9 so yeah he felt responsible and yeah he'd be dealing alone because the boys have other shit on.

14.

Love dude. Love.

13.

You know Dean is human right? He's not Chuck. Sam was (as you menationed) going through a rough patch. Then there's family coming back from the dead, Eve, Cas having to go into hiding, alternate realities, time traveling but yeah he's got a second to notice that Cas is heading towards a bad choice with Crowley tugging his sleeve. Dude, what is wrong with you?

12.

You acknowledge that Claire has had a shitty life and now you're denying her a family because you think it's weird. Tell me how is this whole assessment not a) homophobic and b) mean as fuck. Let the girl have a safe place for the love of Chuck. Even if it started out as guilt, they love her and she's family now. She's got a family of people who get her and have her back.

11.

Every time one if them dies is acts as a catalyst, a reminder that they can die. Coming back isn't the point although Dean is kinda hilarious in dark side of the moon 'when I get back, I'm going to be pissed.' When they die, they don't take it for granted. It always feels final and those of us who worship this show feel every death as if its the first. Except for DSOTM which was just funny.

10.

Love dude. Love.

Just to clarify, Cas chooses Dean over and over. To Dean, Cas is the only person that chooses him above everyone, that's reason one why he lets things go. Then you have Cas hitting Dean's radar as innocent. Cas has this child-like quality that means he ducks under many of dean's trust issues (don't be gross) what I mean is when Dean meets a child he regresses. He becomes the person he wanted his dad to be. He is kind and forgiving and lenient. Adults usually don't get this side of Dean but Cas does. Hence forgiveness, always. Dean forgives Cas because his intention is always pure. He is always trying to do his best.

Please see every Destiel article in existance. Thank you.

*deep breath*

Cas is different. He has always been different, it is mentioned throughout Canon that Cas has always been emotional. Maybe one day they will address why, my personal theory is that Chuck made him that way, just a little bit more feeling than the others and when Cas touched dean's soul in Hell, it lit up his feelings like a Christmas tree. Additionally, Cas sees the Winchesters fighting, they fight and the for humanity, for each other and with them as his role models his moral compass stays slightly truer north than his siblings. Other nice angels include Balthazar, Joshua, Hannah.

I hate to correct you (nah I dont, I love it) but there is no finite, no limitation on their forgivness and its predominantly because of their base personalities. Both Dean and Cas punish themselves more than anyone else ever could. So even when someone else hurts them its never as bad as what they do to themselves. In a way the physical beat downs they give eachother actually strengthen the bond. Every time they fight, one of them stops or walks away. They break the momentum because they love eachother. The love is what stops it, love is the forgivness and they will always forgive eachother because no-one can punish them more than they do. They are eachothers mirror, they see it. It's another reason why Dean forgives Cas so quickly because Dean knows how bad the angel punishes himself, Dean feels that because he does the same. So he forgives and will continue to do so.

This is simply not true. Dean Winchester doesn't expect anyone to help him ever. He assumes that he is always alone. Exceptions include when Sam is hurt, he asks Cas. Also, if something is bigger and harder than him. If some mystical shit is going down or if angels are involved. If you have a magical being to hand who has aeons of experience then why wouldn't you ask, use, involve them? That's just making your life hard for no reason.

It's called guilt. Google it.

When you love someone, you try to protect them you try to do so even when the things they need protecting from is themselves or you. Yes its annoying and the boys do learn after the fact and yes its inherently frustrating when it takes several episodes for them to realise they should have simply told in the first place. However, for the boys of his a life long habbit that is hard to break and for Cas of his something he has picked up from them.

Dean has fabulous control over his temper. See not killing his grandfather when he really really wanted to. Dean vents when the pressure boils up and over and usualky its relatively painless for those involved. He gets mad and then he gets over it. He's actually very quick to process his anger, unlike his guilt which takes much, much longer. Now Sammy, there's some pent up rage. Less so recently though.

The darkness was messing with Dean constantly throughout season 11. There are multiple scenes where Dean gets a confused expression on his face when talking to Casifer but ultimately he's not sure if he's sure. Most of Casifer's interactions with the boys are brief because Lucifer knows they will figure it out. In addition, Cas says yes in episode 10 and Lucifer reveals himself in episode 14. So... really you're punishing Dean for not noticing in several minor interactions over three episodes. Rude.

Yes they are.

@screenrant just fyi

#twitter counter #destiel #why youre wrong #destiel article #dean cas

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ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is · 6 years

Note

INFP 4w5 back :) Thanks for answering things! I'm sorry I didn't give enough information to actually have you help me - I will do so now! I am 24. I love reading stories, both for the emotional connection to characters, and then fun of imagining myself in their adventures (I mainly read fiction). I am an artist and a writer - I do so because I enjoy expressing my views, experiences, and insights in beautiful/interesting/creative ways. I also love the act of creating in general - my mind is very

INFP cont: busy, and it helps me either slow that down or connect my brain to my body (I admittedly spend way more time in my head, but working with my hands and brain at the same time helps me feel connected to the outside world).

So before I go on: this was a very long ask and I will therefore be ‘interrupting’ throughout in bold for my typing logic rather than rephrasing stuff down at the bottom.

Placing yourself in the story: that’s often the goal of stories anyway (and why self-insert is a whole thing) but it is consistent with Fi. Self-expression is something a lot of people like but it is particularly important to 4s. Brain-body connection as described here makes me think more Ne-Si axis but it’s hard for me to quite articulate why so...don’t quote me.

I like hanging out with my family and close friends - I hate being in crowds or in the spotlight. I find them overstimulating but also boring and I don't know what to do with body or what to say.

Pretty consistent for introverts who are intuitive (not just introverts who are intuitive but I’m going into this assuming it’s an INFP vs. INFJ thing unless I see blatant evidence for high Si or Se which so far I don’t.

I love being in nature - this is a new thing though, noticing nature for itself has only started happening since I was 20. I always liked the way it made me feel but didn't pay much attention to it in a sensory way until recent years. Now I love how peaceful and happy it makes me, how physically beautiful it is, but also all the ideas it generates in me - I think everything in nature is a symbol for something and it so fun trying to guess what those things are, or to make art out of things I find in the woods.

Could be either Ne-Si or Ni-Se for what it is; the age of onset is making me think tertiary sensing, plus the guessing the symbol rather than being more decisive makes me think Ne.

I also really love history and fantasy. History because I ideloize old ways of doing things (like gardening, pioneering, etc) ideal and exciting. I try to incorperate those things into my life and would like to be a homesteader or live in a bus one day, because it feels really free, and also I think connects us back to the way humans are meant to live.

Idolization of an idealized past is often weaker Si (nostalgia/sentimentality are often low Si things, contrary to popular belief that it’s higher Si. Seriously, talk to the average ESTJ, they have no nostalgia unless something changed drastically for the less efficient.)

I care a lot about people and social justice, but it tires me out, so I don't actually spend a lot of time engaging. I like listening to my friends and helping them sort out their feelings. I used to be really bad at DOING things for my friends, but I started to realize it was hurting them, so I am trying more and more to not just be a listening ear, but actively engage in their lives. I'm always torn between wanting to help people and make the world a better place, and just being free and doing what I want and find life giving.

At this point I’m already as you can tell leaning towards INFP much more. This also seems more INFP, with your Fi slowly realizing and maturing to a point where you are better able to care for others and meet them on their terms rather than your own.

I think A LOT, and I am very interested in understanding theories, concepets, anazlying people.

All intuitives like concepts, and while I dislike the assertion that introspection is the sole purview of introverts or intuitives, they definitely do it a lot.

Why I'm wondering if I might be an INFJ instead of an INfP? Mainly because two people I respect mentioned they thought I might be.

Yeah...without more than just “caring & empathetic” I wouldn’t put too much weight on it.

I had always thought I was just an INFP (MAYBE an ISFP, but I don't feel like a doer enough or in touch enough with the physical world - other then finding it super beautiful and day dreaming about it).

I’d agree, I’m really not getting much Se from your asks.

But they specifically thought my Fe seems very high - I am emotionally expressive, I care a lot for others, and I'm very sensitive to the emotional feel of people/places/situations.

So, sensitive to the emotional feel and emotional expressiveness are just feeler things. Without rephrasing the whole Fi/Fe post I always refer back to, I find that while high Fi users’ feelings tend to come from a more internalized place sometimes or are less typical in some of their reactions, they still are pretty emotionally expressive especially compared to your average thinker. There are a lot of very reserved IxFJs and very expressive IxFPs and the uneven stereotypes of constantly crying INFPs/IxFJs hiding their emotions for the sake of harmony hammer that point home.

I also tend to get hunches about situations and people, like what might happen or that I should/shouldn't do something, or about why someone is upset/happy, and am right pretty often (is that maybe dom Ni? with some Fe? or is that also Ne?)

Hunches can be anything; intuition is specifically preferring them over physical evidence (sensing is the opposite, so sensors often ignore their hunches if there’s evidence otherwise). Hard to tell because hunches are also related to thin slicing in neuroscience which is just a brain thing. Also this can be Si that you don’t realize is working - like, you’ve seen it before, but don’t consciously realize it.

I also wonder if my constant thinking and trying to figure things out (like obsessively trying to figure out my type) is Ti?

Eh, humans are curious and we all like to think. Ti is a specific approach to logic that for some reason got credit for way more (hint it was David Keirsey)

And I love talking about my feelings and am very comfy with it, which apparently lots of INFPs aren't?

Some aren’t, some are, see stuff above re: emotional expressiveness.

I also avoid conflict in public - I don't avoid it at all with my family, I avoid it moderately with good friends, and won't get into public debates. However, I will speak up in public if I think someone is doing something really wrong.

Could be enneagram 9 which is pretty common in Fi doms; it’s also just part of upbringing, that it’s not polite to start an argument in a lot of social situations, but okay with people you’re close with or if it’s something egregious.

I feel like I have a hard time expressing my opinions well verbally (Im fine writing), and it makes me afraid I won't say what I actually mean, and I also am afraid of the rage I feel in conflict and don't want to hurt others feelings by unleashing that.

W/r/t expression, that sort of conflicts with some of the emotional expressiveness you’d mentioned earlier, but either way tracks more with introversion than anything else. Fear of strong anger makes me wonder if you’ve enneatyped yourself correctly, though obviously I can’t tell if it’s your greatest fear. But I’d take a seriously look at 9 gut fixes.

I also don't like people trampling on my beliefs, so often just won't express them with those I'm not real close to. But I've read that high Fi users don't avoid conflict, and high Fe users do? And I am very willing to consider other people's points of view and MAYBE change my opinion, but thats pretty rare. I'm also a very empathetic listener - I think before speaking, ask good questions, and make noises to assure them im listening, which Ive also read is Fe. is that enough info?

Not liking people trampling on beliefs is pretty universal - even people who behave in an extreme doormat way usually don’t particularly like it deep down. For conflict avoidance see notes on enneagram 9. Openness to other points of view could come from Ne seeing different options, or Fi accepting other’s opinions as being able to coexist with your own usually; it’s also just a healthy adult thing to do regardless of type. Same goes for listening - those are all learned skills and so ask yourself if you did those when you were younger. I did mostly by the time I was 24 but I sure didn’t when I was 17, whereas people with higher feeling, and to some extent higher Fe more than Fi, tend to pick those up a bit more naturally and therefore earlier.

ah one last thing! I take a very long time to make descions - I want to make sure I'm doing/getting the best/right thing. which also seems not very INFP?

Not sure where you got that idea - indecisiveness until you know the optimum response is EXTREMELY INFP. Specifically Ne.

And I get very afraid of not having the idealized visions and dreams of the future I crave - I'm okay with the exact details being flushed out over time, but there are general dreams I will not give up. I've read thats more Ni then Ne?

It is but given the context of everything else, I think this can come from Fi if you see those dreams as identity, and ultimately everyone has goals and dreams.

Oh shit, thought of more things. I SUCK at finishing things - it takes crazy hard work for me to finish a project. I just get... bored and move on. Or procrastinate because other things are more interesting in the moment. But I'm also fairly academic and analytical - can INFP's be that? I find it very stimulating and when Im interested in a topic I want to learn EVERYTHING about it and understand it fully. And I hate when I have a mental problem that I can't solve. I will obsess.

INFPs can be analytical but it’s not your primary way of going about the world (nor is it for INFJs for that matter). Do you like it a lot in specific, lower-pressure contexts (say, academia)? That can be you exploring lower functions. It’s worth considering how you go about being analytical, and whether it seems more Te or Ti. The unsolved problem issue also depends on context, and learning everything can be Ne wanting all the information to fuel a very divergent thought process.

INFP 1,000: And I forgot the thing. I also orgionally started questioning because of my love for sensing things - I love physical beauty in home decor, nature, clothes, etc, and I love being in nature. When I was a teen and very stressed/unwell I overindulged in sensory things like sex/food/drinking/cutting, because it made me feel alive. In the same way now, engaging my senses in healthy ways makes me feel alive. But I do feel pretty crap at it. Which made me wonder if I had inferior Se.

OK so this isn’t directed at you but good lord does inferior Se get almost as much of a mythical out of proportion blow-out as dom Ni. A lot of inferior Se-credited unhealthy behaviors, while definitely present in dom Ni users, are also fairly universal. Namely, all the sensory things you mention will lead to endorphin rushes (hence the feeling alive - it’s brain chemistry) and all are pretty common coping mechanisms for depression, anxiety, or stress to the point that two of them are on the PHQ-9 depression screening. You would be hard pressed to find someone who’d never indulged in at least one under stress, and most people have indulged in several. This has been my PSA that typing based on inferior Se behaviors is a dangerous game for exactly that reason.

Anyway: overall, I see strong evidence for INFP and I’d look at enneagram 9 for some of the more conflict avoidant parts; perhaps more than 4 even though it could just be a strong 9 gut-fix as the second part of your tritype, and maybe a 5 head fix for the analytical stuff. Unless you have more details on the people who typed you INFJ I can’t really refute their arguments,but I see much more INFP for the reasons above.

#mbti #infj #infp #enneagram #long post #Anon ask #answered asks

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less-of-a-person · 7 years

Text

I just wish someone would listen.

I've wanted to die since I was fourteen. I've had depression and a multitude of other things wrong with me since I was twelve. For years I would self-harm. I'd starve myself, not look when crossing the street while begging someone to hit me in my head, I'd cut myself, I'd make myself throw up everything I'd ever eaten. Why do I want to do it? I just want my brain to slow down. My mind runs constantly, berating myself, hating myself, insulting me, telling myself how ugly and stupid I was, so that's why nobody likes me. I've searched and searched for help, but nobody will listen to me. I was and still am in constant pain.

I am now 20 years old. I still have all of these problems + some BC it's gotten worse over the years. When I was 17 years old, I became addicted to drugs. I just recently got help with a doctor to get me off of them. He put me on Suboxone BC I was addicted to pain killers. It took away the addiction and helped with the withdraws but all that has done is cause me to remember why I was addicted to drugs in the first place. I wish I still was BC at least then I was so clouded by the idea of getting high someway, somehow, that I never really focused on my problems. Yeah, when I went without they all came rushing back, but that was seldom. Now I'm miserable ALL the time.

The only thing that helped was marijuana and Adderall. I'd take Adderall in the morning and smoke a blunt at night. I finally felt okay! Even without Percocet or hydrocodone or anything like it. I didn't realize how much weed helped until I stopped smoking it. Since I got help and I live in a state where it is not legal, my doctor made me stop.

I suffer from severe ADHD, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar Syndrome, Depression, and severe Homicidal and Suicidal thoughts. When I would smoke it was like 90% of those things would just disappear. My ADHD would stay, but if I took 30mg before I went to sleep, I'd wake up and have a normal day. Fuck! I'd convince myself that I was neruotypical. Those are the only days in 8 years I've felt okay! Now I'm off of both of them and I've never been so miserable.

My family makes it worse. My sisters are both severe drug addicts who refuse to help themselves. They put themselves in situations where they have a reason to whine about everything, like marrying guys who are awful to them and refuse to leave no matter how often people tell them they need to. Its not a physically abusive relationship, maybe mental, but all of their relationships have been like that. Its like that seek it and I don't understand why. My Dad doesn't listen. At all. I'll try expressing myself to him and he won't even look at me. My Mom is so worn thin by my younger siblings who both have Tourettes and my older siblings and their drama, that she has 0 time for me. I'm put on the last tier of importance and she knows all about my problems, but she doesn't really care. Whenever I talk to her she gets angry BC there's always something better to do rather than care about whether I feel like slitting my throat. She huffs at me and gets angry, yells at me for taking up her time. Whenever I try to tell her how badly I want to die, she screams at me and says that she's tired of hearing about death BC her grandmother died and so did her 2 days old baby. Both of which happened over 15 and 23 years ago. I sympathize with her and feel bad about that aspect, but I even told her, I'm just desperate for someone to convince me that I shouldn't. When my family members are depressed or upset, I hug them and tell them that I love them, but that's too much to ask for myself. I just get told its my own fault bc I don't try hard enough not to feel that way. My little siblings treat me like shit, with no repercussions. They get in my face and scream at me about how awful I am, if I ask them to stop doing something, they do it even more, if I tell them that I have a headache or don't feel good, they go out of their way to do something to make it worse. If I do anything, even if I just scream back, my parents threaten to kick me out on the streets.

I don't have any friends, except my gf. Everyone ends up hating me in the end, no matter how close we get. The last two "best friends" I had started hating me BC I kept my Kik name a secret. I did this BC one of their mutual friends kept harassing me and telling me how awful I was. She also tried to convince my gf that I was brain washing her(and no, I'm not. I always make sure she's comfortable in our relationship and ask regularly if she's happy. I've also never EVER threatened suicide if she left me BC I know we'd still be close) while she was actually the one that would tell her that she was stupid and put her down in anyway she could, so she could control her.

Why haven't I done it yet? I ask myself that all the time. I guess I'm scared that there is an afterlife and I'll be deemed as unworthy. I don't want to leave my gf BC she has an awful homelife too and if I die, she'll have to go back to her shitty parents. I love my family with my whole heart, so I don't want to leave them either, even if I've started to think that they don't return the sentiment.

What I want successful life and to write stories, produce comics and animations, I wanna make a movie. This is what I want to do with my life and I know this is what would make me happy.

I take a step back and I look at myself and know that I'm never going to achieve that. I'll probably never achieve happiness either. So why am I letting myself suffer? Especially for the 99% of people that act like they don't care whether I live or die.

The hospital isn't a choice either, BC I'm terrified and too traumatized to go back. They kept me locked up like a prisoner, yelled at me, accused me of faking and just seeking attention. Told me that I should forget about my own feelings and just live for everyone around me, BC it doesn't matter what I want and I'm extremely selfish for thinking that it does. They gave me medicine that made me vomit and have a constant migraine. I only got to call people twice in the week that I was there. I had to pretend to be better before they would even consider letting me go home.

Maybe I am selfish for wanting someone to care about me, to give me a hug, and to promise me that they'll do SOMETHING to try to help. Or to just listen to me and stop trying to put me down even further. Idk.

My gf listens, but she can't help, so I try to keep all these this away from her,but sometimes I break. I'll bawl and cry like a baby while practically screaming at her that no one but her cares. I hate that I do that, so I don't if I control it or else I know she'll leave me. I love her with every fiber of my being and I have since literally the first day I met her, 4 years ago. She's my soulmate and I never want to lose her, but I will. I know that when she has the assets, she'll leave me too. Everyone wants to, nobody wants to be around me. And I hate myself for it everyday.

I don't understand what is wrong with me that just makes people want to hate me enough to know about my problems and use them against me to make me worse. People have literally done that. I had a friend that told me that I should kill myself or at least cut myself and cry BC that's all I'm able to do. I've had people tell me that everyone hates me. Hell, even McDonalds' employees make fun of me as soon as I walked in. One time I had walked up to order a McDouble and a small coke, and the employee looked me up and down before saying, "You really don't need that, do you?" Before putting down an expensive ass salad instead. It was even a chubby girl who did that to me! I said never mind and walked out crying quietly while the girl and some other employees laughed at me. Another set of girls in a different McDonalds made fun of my hair and clothes, loudly so I and the rest of the place could hear. A customer behind me laughed at me when they called me ugly. Every person I've seen in Walmart that walks too close to me will literally go way out of their way just so they dont touch me, as if I'm rancid(and I know I'm not, I'm too anxious to let myself have greasy hair, let alone smell bad). I have people randomly laugh at me just for existing. Guys yell out insults to me, like, "lose some weight" or "fatty!" or "no one can love someone that big." I'm not even that big!? I don't understand why people target me specifically. I was bullied all through school, even by my "friends" and sometimes little kids will look at me and go, "ew, mommy she's fat." And the mother will look at me, make a disgusted face and take her kid to a different part of the store and not even correct them!!

I can't even help that I'm fat! I use to walk 7 miles a day every day as well as barely eating(only enough to get my metabolism running) or even dieting. Even medicines can't help me lose weight. Nothing works!!! Its not my fault!!!

Its gotta be my pheromones or something.

God, I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

It'd be so much easier! No more pain, no more insults, no more sadness, and no more conflicts.

I could just lie, peacefully in the ground with nothing but darkness. That is while everyone around me pretends I didn't tell them what was going on and pretends they cared enough that they would've helped. Obviously they don't now, but they will pretend to when I'm dead.

I don't know....

I'm strongly considering it. I might. There's lost of different opportunities. I could do it with pretty much anything BC I've thought about it for so long.

I wish I had a gun.

I guess, I'll start a daily thing, like, "Suicide Blog Day 1: Still alive and still miserable." Type of thing. Unless we get to a day where I stop updating after multiple 'miserable' days, that means I succeeded.

I start college on Oct. 30th. I hope that provides some sort of distraction. Who knows.

Until next time,

dueces.

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