Recently I've been reevaluating my queerness and what it means for me, and it's a really weird and kind of uncomfortable experience.
Everyone always says labels don't define you, they describe you--when your experience changes, the way you "identify" also can change to reflect that. But it's scary to think, "hey, the way I've understood myself and my experience is fundamentally shifting," and losing the sense of stability that comes with having a familiar word to reference.
Over the summer, I dated (!) a guy (!!!!!), which I never had seriously believed would happen--and I actually had romantic feelings for him. I'm pretty sure I felt that way before we were officially together, so I've also now had a crush. Can I describe the difference between that and what I've felt before? Not really, which is also confusing.
But a huge part of the way I've seen myself over the years has been as aromantic as well as asexual. I have an aro ring that I wear every day, along with my ace ring. Knowing what I could and couldn't experience helped me set realistic expectations for what I would be like in a relationship, and was an important part of how I saw my relationship with my QPP.
And now I'm like, well, can I develop romantic feelings for other people? Was this a one-time thing? Was my ability to do that contingent on the fact that it turned out he wasn't actually attracted to women (oh the irony) and therefore I felt utterly unthreatened by him? If I want to date other people, because I would like to be married someday, what am I supposed to tell them about how I function and what they can expect? What can I even expect?
It's overwhelming and so I haven't thought about it much. If I try to frame it positively, I can take some benefit from thinking romantic connection might be easier for me than I'd thought (as in, it turns out to be possible); but without that intentional shift in my thinking, I'm just left with a giant question mark as to what my future relationships will look like--which is bad, because if I don't know what I'm comfortable with in a relationship, I can't establish healthy boundaries. Maybe part of a relationship is experiencing those new things together and working it out as you go...but I also have trust issues and can't imagine conventionally dating someone (e.g. not establishing a strong friendship first) and being able to trust that they won't take advantage of me in some way.
And now even my familiar words don't feel quite right. I still think of myself as associated with aromanticism, but I no longer describe myself that way to other people--I'll generally say I'm queer and then explain a little more without using specific terms. And I know I'm ace, but it's less important to me than it used to be.
I thought feeling more "normal" would be a good thing; it actually just makes me feel weirder.
I'm just hoping that as I continue learning more about myself, I can accept whatever I find out. I want to embrace the uncertainty along the way. It's just hard. Ya know?
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The bisexual to aroace pipeline is pretty much having the right idea and coming to the wrong conclusion. Yeah buddy you're not straight and you're also not gay. No not like that though, the other way around
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Also this one is more of a PSA for anyone on my blog but I do think it's super important that Obi-Wan is specifically bi aroace! I know I've focused much more on the aroace part of his identity but I totally want to acknowledge the bi aspect as well. I tend to highlight the aroace side because that's the part of my identity that gets much less representation, and also because although I would identify as bi aroace myself if I had to assign a label I don't typically feel it's necessary for me to do so (so that carries over into how I interact with a character that shares my identity). But basically yeah a huge win on all fronts, I might be louder about one part of it but it is all an an Unprecedented ™ victory for the queers!!!
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I dunno, sometimes it feels much better to have a neutral word to describe a neutral reality rather than being defaulted to "gay" at best and "frigid bitch" at worst
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