#more than i could ever be

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[secondbeatsongs]

for anyone too young to know this: watching The Truman Show is a vastly different experience now, compared to how it was before youtube and social media influencers became normal

before it was like, "what a horrifying thing to do to a human being! to take away their autonomy and privacy, all for the sake of profits! to create fake scenarios for them to react to, just to retain viewership! to ruin their happiness just so some corporate entity could harvest money from their very humanity! how could anyone do something so evil?"

and now it's like, "ah, yeah. this is still deeply fucked up, but it's pretty much what every influencer has been doing to their kids for a decade now. probably bad that we've normalized this experience"

#the truman show #sbs rambles #I keep thinking about how children on popular youtube channels should probably have laws to protect them #social workers assigned to them maybe #I dunno #they did not sign up to have their lives sold for profit #but here we are #tho #I guess none of us signed up for it #and our data is harvested more than ever #god #high-tech capitalism sucks turns out #OH WAIT because tumblr is bad at getting context sometimes #let me specify: #I am not saying that the movie The Truman Show is bad or that it normalizes this #like all good sci-fi (because it is kind of sci-fi) it's there to warn us of what the future could hold #and it did that in a very good way - it's a beautiful movie #I could see someone with a bad faith take assuming I meant that it was part of the problem #it absolutely wasn't. it didn't normalize this; we did #youtube did and social media #it's us that's the problem #or more specifically: big corporations and a lack of regulation #that's the origin of most modern problems

[malinaa]

if i think about the hunger games in peeta's perspective i WILL start sobbing

#imagine you're a boy who's going to die. you're in love with the girl you've been watching from afar. you know your fate. #you just want to help her‚ but then there's the announcement and she's here in front of you‚ kissing you‚ risking her life for you and you #think‚ i could live and i could love. you think she loves you when she hands you the berries‚ when she puts them in her mouth. #then you both survive and you go back home and nothing is real anymore. you have nothing. no family. no friends. no love. just an empty #house. a drunk for a neighbor. the love of your life walking into somebody else's arms. you think‚ i survived the games. i could survive #this. and you also think‚ i should've bit down on those berries‚ should've felt the juice burst before i died. #and then the third quarter quell announcement rings in your ears and you think‚ she will live and i will die as i should have in the first #place. the girl you love kisses you on the beach and somewhere you heart stirs and your mind revolts and you savor every touch she has ever #given to you‚ in front of the cameras and off. because you are a tribute and you are always being watched and snow's presence looms and #you think‚ i know she cares. but you get taken. you get drugged. you get tortured‚ your mind altered. the girl is a mutt‚ a murderer. she's #everything you despise‚ your mind stirs. your heart revolts. you gain more awareness but cannot distinguish reality from fiction and you #have never known katniss' love. the war ends. you heal. you come home. you plant primrose for her. years down the line‚ you grow in love #more than you thought possible. but some days‚ you cannot tell fiction from reality so you ask the love of your life‚ you love me. #real or not real? and she says‚ real‚ and kisses you. #and you sigh and kiss her back and revel in this. a home. a life. a love. #lit #the hunger games #everlark #otp: real or not real? #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #text #tais toi lys #thgpost

[bixels]

Hot to the Touch

(Sunset x Thea)

#mlp #sunset shimmer #twilight sparkle #twiset #my art #fanart #the grand galloping 20s #illustration #rarijack is my funny goofy ship your american drama “the fashionista falls for the farmgirl!” #but twiset is my pull at your heartstrings drama romance shit #at least for this au #what if thea was the only one who could calm sunset's rage #what if sunset knows she should hate thea for “replacing” her for being the witch she was supposed to be but she can't bring herself to #what if thea was the guiding star who saves sunset's soul and brought laughter and peace and love back into her jaded tired life #what if they loved each other more than they ever thought they could but it wasn't meant to last. sunset must leave and thea must stay. #what if i ran off a bridge

[cemeterything]

i'm no medical expert but my one and only health tip i can offer with any confidence is to allow yourself to listen to bohemian rhapsody every once in a while in a setting where you can put your your whole entire life up to this moment into singing along with the part where freddie mercury says "i don't wanna die, but sometimes i wish i'd never been born at all" and feel a layer of dead scar tissue peel away from your existence before it can calcify

#🐉 #just did my bohemian rhapsody karaoke and i feel lighter and more alive than any detox or meditation session could ever make me

[snarkspawn]

some floating heads of my boy Asher, his guardian and his favourite people to go adventuring with ♥

#baldur's gate 3 #bg 3 #bg 3 oc #tiefling #shadowheart #astarion #gale of waterdeep #karlach #dnd #elf #half elf #stuff and things #userpharawee #I doodled asher as a quick silly cooldown drawing and then just ... kind of felt like adding the rest #as for his party ... shadowheart and astarion are p much fixed lmao #and then I used to take gale but ever since I picked up karlach she kind of took over his spot #she's just so cool. I mean HOT obviously #but in a super cool way #I really wish you could take more than 3 companions because MAN I want to take them ALL. all the time

[banjo-bugs]

I truly genuinely believe they would get along so well

#columbo #benoit blanc #knives out glass onion #just watched it tonight …. so good dude I loved it #unpopular opinion maybe but way better than the firsr #first movie !! idk I like that benoit got to show his personality a little more : ) #columbo vc your partners a chef? well that’s just wonderful.. I could probably burn water if my wife ever let me in the kitchen #digital art #twizz scribs

[egophiliac]

redesigning my headcanon for Sebek's parents, based on important new information (SCALES)

(you can't see it but they're both wearing crocs)

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #they are truly the most inspiring love story of our generation #though i guess he's not dr. zigvolt since zigvolt is the clan name... #unless he took her name which i absolutely could see. why would you ever not want to be called zigvolt. #this does tie nicely in with my headcanon that sebek's siblings got more of the fae features than he did #and he has a Complex about it #i get the impression that sebek's siblings are much closer in age to each other and also have more of their dad's chill #so sebek is sort of the baby of the family and he's got a Complex about that too #i think a lot about the zigvolt family for characters who have never actually appeared #on the subject of actual canon though #i do actually really appreciate that both sebek and silver each had a little moment of reassuring each other #that this is 400 years ago and also incredibly unfortunate circumstances #and present-day reality lilia and baul love them very much #(i do think sebek is secretly baul's favorite grandkid) #it was just nice to see! especially from sebek! he is sometimes a very thoughtful boy and it's always nice to see that side of him #sebek trying SO hard to get baul to like him though 😭 #and lilia being like 'aw i think you're getting kind of fond of him :)' #i love. Characters.

[varilien]

you know me, in the way that matters most.

#trigun #trigun anime #trigun fanart #vash #vash the stampede #wolfwood #nicholas d. wolfwood #vashwood #I JUST!!! i love the way 98 goes about invoking its overarching Themes And Questions #how the story began with ''who is vash the stampede?'' when it was a very literal #there are 60.000.000.000 outlaws w big guns on this planet and any one of them could be him #which slowly became ''but who IS he. behind the legend. behind the personas. Who Is He really?'' #and then wolfwood asks. and ''i've only known you as the stampede'' #but that's not true. it's not the only way he's known him. it was always more than that. #anyways do u guys ever make something that's So Important to u u are RELUCTANT TO SHARE IT LMAO #i've been holding this one very very tightly for MONTHS dhfkjghdfk

[linusbenjamin]

Prometheus stole fire from the gods and gave it to man. For this he was chained to a rock and tortured for eternity. Oppenheimer (2023) dir. Christopher Nolan

#oppenheimer #filmedit #cillian murphy #oppenheimeredit #henricavyll #usersilk #useranimusvox #jokerous #dailyflicks #barbenheimer #nikolatexla #this masterpiece was way beyond me. way beyond anyone else #think of a movie that everything about it is perfect #the soundtrack. the actors. the script. the atmosphere. #i don't remember if i ever watched a scene before where my heartbeat was that fast #there were more than 100 people inside and no one made the slightest sound and it was like i could hear every heartbeat #this was my first nolan movie. i couldn't go tenet (which was amazing too) but i'm glad i didn't bc this was the best one #mind you the only thing i understood at first sight was a scene about black holes in which i was genuinely interested before #you know the movie becomes way more fun when you actually understand it - not as a whole but also the details

[inkskinned]

the problem is that being single is seen as the consolidation prize, and not the natural neutral state of being-a-person. at the end of the movie or the book or the poetry, there is a person waiting for you at the altar, and they love you. if the play is a comedy, everyone gets married. the metaphor is about how you are not-whole. the metaphor is about how everyone is going to be happily-ever-after. the metaphor is that romantic love is the most important resource on the planet, not just all-love. all-love is not a thing, that is a disappointment. the treasure is not the friends we made along the way. the treasure is the girl you landed.

the metaphor is that you cannot be alone, that means you are broken. are you getting over someone? that is acceptable, you can be getting over someone, but not for long. you must be single because you would rather not be single. you must be single and looking to not-be-single. you must want to date, eventually.

friendship and community are never seen as being equal-to or even-better than romantic connection. that person is your one! you need to find them. you need to hunt through the sand particles until you can shift out some kind of gem. this is regardless to your own experience of the beach and the sun. you need to be somewhere with someone.

if you are taking this time alone to heal, that is so sad. everyone gives you this little pitying look. the understanding is that you are not actually happier than you were before you were single. it is seen as a sort of pity - oh, you are choosing yourself, making yourself the priority? - that isn't quite right. you must mean that you are making yourself ready for the right person. you are just laying the bed better this time. open up your heart. you'll find them, we promise!

what do you mean you're really-truly genuinely-very happy? you are probably misremembering what it was like to be in a relationship. and besides, once you meet your person, that time will look grey and bland and wasted. your person is the only way for you to see in color. so what if you have taken this time - for the first time in your entire life - to actually-for-real do the fucking work. you can be proud of yourself, sure. but the way we need to know that you got better is that you get a partner. you're healed enough for the next bad part!

people don't choose to be single, they just say they're choosing to be single - they actually mean "nobody wants to date me." it doesn't matter how many people you have gently rejected or how many times you've talked it over carefully in therapy. what matters is that you are single, and by all accounts - that means you are something worth our pity. your successes and life all seem pale in the sunlight. sure, you have done amazing things and finally found your way in life. what matters is that there wasn't a person in the room with you while you did it.

you want to tell them - that's the whole thing. i didn't know how to be alone in the room. i didn't know how to handle the silence. every moment was so sharp, and i kept choosing the wrong way to close the door. i have spent my entire life in the empty well, living in the ricochet of someone else's cruelty. for once i have built myself a ladder. for once everything i taste is all mine, every bite of sunshine and laughter. i have learned how to sleep out in the open with my memories. recently, they have started to purr.

your father rolls his eyes. listen. this isn't about you. i just want a grandchild in my future.

#writeblr #i actually didn't want a girlfriend before nat #and my dad recently said to me - raquel. i don't approve of the promiscuity #1. i am 30. #2. i had casually dated about 4 people over 18 months. #3. i do believe he was just mad that i get more girls than he ever did #i had to look this 60 yr old deacon in the eye and say. okay so i have a girlfriend first of all im just not tellin yall about her #and secondly. #OKAY???? OLD MAN I DONT EVEN LIVE HERE WHAT ARE U GONNA DO ABOUT IT #briefly considered asking nat if i could pretend we were a one night stand kind of a thing

[eternallovers65]

Just saw someone on Twitter complain about the lack of Japanese people in Oppenheimer, and what did you expect??? Did you want the final act to be the bomb dropping and see people burning alive???

The reason why we don't see a Japanese perspective is because one, including a Japanese perspective, just to see how bad the suffering was would be exploitation. Two, to see an accurate and sensitive take on how the japanese felt about Oppenheimer, Christopher Nolan (as incredible as he is) isn't the right person to do this. And three, it's based on Oppenheimer's biography

Oppenheimer, the movie, literally shows you people (mostly the superiors, because by the middle/end of it you see Oppenheimer regretting his creation) doing something dubious and inhumane because they removed themselves away, both emotionally and physically, from the people they are hurting.

Nagasaki and Hiroshima only exist in those men's distant thoughts and imaginations. One guy literally asks to take a city off the bombing because that's where he had his honeymoon. It's disturbing and unsettling, as if those people were not real human beings. The lack of Japanese people drives the entire point home.

Also, Japanese cinema is right there. Barefoot Gen, Grave of the Fireflies, or Hiroshima (responsible for showing to many Americans the effects of the bombs for the first time) are just a few of the many, many decades of post-war Japanese movies we have

#important to say this just my opinion and im more than glad to talk and discuss about it #also i dont think a single person left this movie thinking Oppenheimer was the greatest person ever or left as a pro atomic bomb #you could literally feel the entire room's tension after the trinity test scene and what that meant when they succeeded #as the movie ended almost everyone was in silence i left that room in complete silent #its also important to say that although i do say the scientists didn't thought about the suffering japanese people would go through #this is more a dig forwards the superiors not the scientists because a lot of the scientists (Oppenheimer included) were jewish #so they were creating that people with the sole purpose of stoping the nazis and not hurt civilians #also to the people that keep saying 'oh what was japan doing/dont act like japaneses were innocent' dude i get what youre saying #but do you honestly believe all those civilians deserved that??? they were civilians not all of them agreed to what was happening #oppenheimer #oppenheimer 2023 #barbenheimer #christopher nolan #cilian murphy

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

A new challenger approaches (slowly)

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #wen chao #jin zixuan #jiang cheng #lan wangji #tulu xuanwu #Wen Chao's turtlephobia starts now. I wonder if that's ever going to come back into play? #Slight re-ordering of events for the funny punchlines but we're close to getting back on track. #The mianmian stuff happening right after we also have a Torment Tortoise looking for blood makes this scene so chaotic. #A good kind of chaos as it is supposed to be overwhelming and anxiety inducing! #I have been sitting on the idea of the Beast being just a normal turtle with a knife for ages. Years in fact. #It's stupid as hell but that's sometimes what art is. Indulging the past you who would have loved to see the dumb thing be drawn. #Making it canon now that A-Qing's turtle (the one pd-Lan Sizhui found) is a descendant of this turtle. #Maybe she was so defensive because she has eggs she was watching over! How insensitive of these cultivators! #You can insert your own choice of boss music here - I did not grow up playing video games so I have nothing off the top of my head. #I am making a BOTW reference here so you could substitute one of those themes but I find them more melancholic than menacing.

[muzzleroars]

danse macabre

#ultrakill #gabriel #v1 #gabv1el #doodle tag #rise and fall au #fallen gabriel #love thinking about gabriel losing his mind for a minute after becoming a full fallen angel #where he just really indulges in his anger and pent up violence all for himself #he rebels against everything he ever was and how stifled he has been his entire achingly long existence #no more rules. no more grace. he's goring demons and tearing machines apart limb from limb #needless to say. v1 is NO moderating force lol #it loves running around like this with him far more reckless than it could afford to be before #and finding a love that engages in its cruelty with it to its full extent makes it just as bad #he does eventually come back to himself as this just isn't him #but i love them having a full villain era where they become actively avoided #(but hell won't let their prey get away...sad!)

[athenagranted]

the way i would pay for oliver to write meta about buck's character

#like. he Gets it. i've been thinking about buck in this ep for five days straight and he said it better in one sentence than any paragraph #i could ever come up with #people are arguing over whether buck #acted the way he did bc he wanted tommy's attention or eddie's attention or bc he was feeling left out or whatever but i don't think it's #any one thing i think it was just a general feeling of Wrongness when tommy showed up borne from thirty years of repressing his sexuality #and he tried to rationalize it as jealousy or whatever and worked through the fact that his behavior was completely unreasonable but #it wasn't until tommy kissed him that all of the rage that was trapped inside him was allowed to escape bc he finally had a name for it #he's been turning over parts of himself for years trying to find that final piece and getting more and more upset when it eludes him #n this kiss was the kind of cathartic relief that he so desperately needed bc it allowed him to understand what's been missing #anyway. oliver stark i love you so much i'm so grateful you play buck #buck #rae.txt #911

[herewegobebe]

Key talking about the iconic and beloved 'Lucifer' dance practice video 😅💞 [x]

#SHINee #key #taemin #kim kibum #lucifer #analook #god bless the person who leaked it #or sm would never have uploaded it #i've watched it more times than i could count over the years #it was worth all the migraines from taemin's shirt 🥴 #and all in glorious 360p lmao #ot5 #probably the most beloved practice video ever 💞 #my. gifs